F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 321 - Teach Her the Gropes

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Sometimes you just need a mentor to guide you through the more complicated matters in life.  Topics include keeping your car freshly stocked with crusty rags, terrible sexting strategies, how to work on that arch, wet dream loophole. Support the show: www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niles Payne And we are your fuckbusters We're a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy

situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put we find questions wandering the wilds of the internet and we bring them to heel right here right now for you and sometimes you get questions from our audience too and if you have them you should send them in. Now I'm gonna preface this with maybe this podcast doesn't sound as great as it normally does because or maybe it sounds better it sounds better it does sound different because we're trying something new we're trying we're trying a new thing we both for the first time in the closet at least have our own microphones yes so is it good I hope so if not Danes gonna be really sad you're probably

really sad yeah and I will eventually be sad when I find out about it I will put in if it doesn't turn out great, I'm going to put in really sad piano music throughout the whole episode. The entire episode. And that will be hopefully enough to to bring it back from the brink. I'm going to hold you to that. Yeah. But this week we're going to talk about me and my boyfriend keep arguing about cum stained clothing. A sexting problem. Got a list of rules after we had sex for the first first time I'm not sure if it's normal. How do wet dreams work? anything to talk about before we dive in I Don't think so. Oh, have you been have you been watching the old Christmas movies? Oh, you know it Yeah, I we are we're deep on the Christmas Creek right now in terms of like Netflix Hallmark. Okay Let's let's let's blast them all the ours thinking. Well, we'll talk about that later. How frosty we've seen how frosty fucked up.

It's I don't know what they did to that man. Oh, but he looks jacked the fuck up and not jacked. Well, also, Jack, I mean, I think they like dehydrated. They put him in a fucking thing that you make brisket out of and left him in there for a while. Yeah, he looks so unwell. And again, I'm not here to body shame. I'm not here, but like, no, we can health shame.

He definitely does not look healthy. Like, I feel like everyone in that movie got a hold of like Ozempic and just fucking mainline that shit. Like even Chris Parnell. No, that's that's another one. That's the Lindsay Lohan one, I think. Yeah. But I just it's worrying that like he has the mind of a child and he was just born. And she's like, well, he's that's another one. That's the Lindsay Lohan one. I think. Yeah But like I just it's worrying that like he has the mind of a child and he was just born and she's like well He's got muscles though. You're like no like yeah

It's irresponsible and kind of fucked up that you want to bang this person that was born yesterday the worst thing and this is something that bothers me a lot and there's something that me and my partner talk about a lot is like when you have the like the fish out of water story like when like a night transports back in or like travels to modern times and like he's like but what's a microwave but then like can figure out other like turns of phrases and stuff that would never have existed prior to I felt like the rules of what Frosty understood and didn't understand were all over the place like like there were times where he'd be like like he wouldn't know anything he didn't understand were all over the place. Yeah. Like there were times where he'd be like, like he wouldn't know anything.

He didn't understand the concept of love or like hugs or distance or vampires, but he did get to remake an entire home. Like while he watched TV to do that. I said this to your partner. If that was realistic, he would become a white supremacist, right? Like, like an AI, you leave an AI to just passively learn. And they really flips over to Fox and he goes back. Yeah, he would be the worst. It would be. Yeah. Heil Frosty. No, that's what the movie is called.

It would it would go so south so quickly. Now, I do also really like that. Look, I'm sorry, this is a spoiler. So if you haven't closed your ears for like seven seconds, if you haven't seen hot frosty yet and you're worried about the integrity of the narrative, just plug ears for like 30 seconds. I do love that he dies in police custody. At least it checks out. It checks out.

Yeah. They were like, look, we've been so unrealistic for so long. We got to do something. I want to know, like the person that made the snowman never comes into it. They did a great job and they were stoned like they would have won. And somebody fucking robbed that for them. That's fucked up, too. She's gifted a beautiful scarf and she just walks outside and like essentially throws on the ground. Yeah.

It's that's a great point, because at no point in time did the person who carved that like even if it was like at the very end, it was like Santa, like an old man who winks at the camera. And so it should have been someone like the fuck., who's smashed my fucking snowman? Yeah, no one investigated her If there's all these cameras everywhere exactly no like last person seen fucking around with that snowman was her Yeah, they should have been prime suspect. Maybe they're a fucking witch or something We can all agree Wanda that Craig Robinson and I can never remember his fucking name Danny Wanda that Craig Robinson and I can never remember his fucking name Danny

Something the guy who plays boil in Brooklyn 99 boil was great. They they carried the they carried the movie I didn't like cop as much really I love Craig Robinson Some of the things like you could tell I my guess is 90% of his dialogue was improvised I think I think the scene of him eating the ice cubes. I think that was all him. That was that was good I don't like he I don't think that was in the script There's that one scene eating the ice cubes. I think that was all him. That was that was good. I don't think he I don't think that was in the script. There's that one scene. I don't remember what he's doing, but it's the scene where I think he sees the ATM where he's just walking down the street mumbling to himself. I bet that is all ad-libbed and it got me.

Those are the only things I enjoyed in the movie. No, the best is the doctor. She goes to the doctor and she's like, oh, he's really cold and says, the snowman, she like touches him. She's like, he is cold. He's probably snow. He's got to be snow. And she's like, the fuck? She's like, it says the snowman. She like touches him. She's like, he is cold. He's probably snow. Got to be snow. And she's like, the fuck? She's like, it's Christmas, idiot.

Also, she's like wearing essentially like a clown costume. Like she's she's not she does not present herself as a doctor. No, it's wonderful. Mary Gentleman. I've seen Mary Gentleman as well. Yeah. Well, I like is that it's kind of a spiritual successor to one tree hill because his name is Luke Lucas.

He grew up in his uncle's garage with a toolkit, which happens also in one tree hill. I don't know if you know that. There's a lot of stuff. He did leave the show with his partner to move to another place, which is kind of insinuated. Maybe it's them. They have a different name, which just

disappointed me. But I like to think it is Chad CMM from the old, you know, Lucas Scott. Yeah, I've never seen one tree hill, but my partner has. And she she made those connections as amazing amazing You know what? I think we should do a patreon episode where we deep dive into Christmas, okay, and we should stop talking about yeah And if you hated this part, sorry

But if you love this part patreon soon cuz let me tell you I got thoughts on on the merry gentleman Oh my god, she pimped them out. She was a pimp. It's it's not even pimp Oh my god, she pimped them out. She was a pimp. It's it's not even pimp This by Maleficent ad boyfriend male 25 and I female 23 constantly arguing about finding cum stained clothing in our car How do I stop this in the last three years? We've been together. I've clothes filled with cum on them in our car It doesn't happen every month, but it happens too often for me to just let it go. I asked him about the other times He says oh, they're sitting in the car and just handled it before coming inside. I said, okay, it's weird But I guess we live in the studio apartment

So I chalked it up to maybe he feels he doesn't have enough privacy But at the same time now why not go into the bathroom or shower we talked about before I told him I'll give him space and he's in the bathroom. I leave him uninterrupted But today I found one of my shirts in the car would come all over it It was different. I knew he was lying I left the shirt in the car during the weekend because I bought a new one to change into his excuse to the same thing He always says then he said he grabbed it from the house a couple days ago because he planned to use it But it was already in the car because I left it there. Then he said it was snot from blowing his nose

He's been out a lot more lately and we don't have sex often anymore So it's sending me to a spiral just thinking about it. I don't know what to do in this situation. How do I get to the truth? There's... it's like the start... even if this is true, even if what he's saying is 100% true, there's an issue here. And again, I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums. I think people, partners should be able to masturbate in a relationship.

Yes, we've spoken about this. But presumably he's like he's parking in your driveway, a very public place. I imagine whether it's an apartment building or a house or the street, and he's jerking off, which I'm 90% sure is a crime. It is a crime. And like the only way this is okay. And it's like, whatever. I think it's it's sometimes you can do some risque shit, but like just jerking it in the car There's something like is it nighttime because that's also creepy, but if it's daytime there are children around I mean, I mean it's get gets darker like four o'clock. That's true It's like you can be walking home from fucking you know like indoor basketball practice or something Yeah school like there's the only way this okay is if you have like a private garage and even then

it's like what are you doing yeah I mean like and also sorry not to cut you off and move on to the next topic but it's like if your kink is coming on your partner's clothing you also need them to yeah you consent you can't just be like yeah just fucking ruined all your clothes ha ha. Yeah, I'm like there's so much I'm not gonna keep jumping forward, but I do love I am jumping for it. I do love the excuse of like wait It's not come. It's a I blew my nose and instead that's not better. Yeah, it's like I just took your clothes and use it as trash Babe, I don't understand why you're mad. I just use your clothes as trash. Oh, you're mad. Okay I used it as trash in a different way arguably worse

it's so wild to one like like Look at this and not see the problem and not be like hey Can you not jerk off in public like if you need to jerk off that is fine? Yes I am cool with you jerking off from here on out Like like she said like maybe make it clear and be like, I, if you're in the bathroom, I will consider that private bathroom time, which I think everyone should do anyway.

Are you just busting him while he's shitting? Yeah. Like, um, I'd be like, I'm not gonna, you know, I'll put my headphones on or something. Like, I don't care. Jerk it if you want. Um, and then like really have that distinct conversation just so he can feel safe in his home and isn't jerking off in public. If you don't, as now said, have a private garage, maybe be like, Hey, you cannot be like, I'm not going to date a sex criminal. And all it takes is for one old lady to be walking by with her dog or kids going out

to see Christmas lights or something. This literally happened in Ireland. So a couple of years ago when I was home, there was this really funny, because there's this thing called Joe Duffy, where it's like a talk show where like people call in and chat about whatever. So a priest was caught masturbating in his car during the day on a busy street.

And people were like, oh yeah, it's fucked up, sex criminal, blah, blah, blah. And all these people were calling in being like, ah sure, priests work very hard though. You can't fault a man now he Needs his time and like they were calling to offend the priest I guess and we're like, okay No people defend priests. Yes sex crimes, yeah

So yeah be like yo one you can jerk it at home to sex crime three stop ruining my fucking clothes Yeah, I mean it does seem like it's not always hers, but like, why, why do you have a like, what's wrong with the tissue? Yeah. Right. So like, if he literally was like, I took your shirt a couple of days ago and I planned to use it, even though that was also a lie. Yeah. Like you, I love this man is like, has no idea what is a better situation is except because if he was like our jerking, it was sitting right there, sorry. That's better than I took it and I planned to do it. It's premeditated, baby. I just threw it in the old glove compartment,

aged it a little bit so I could really get that stank on it. Yeah, or just like, oh, it wasn't common, it's snot. Fucking hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Also, guess what would work for that? A tissue. Tissue, tissues. This man has never seen a tissue.

He doesn't. A Kleenex scares him. He thinks they're a little ghost. Yeah, because he puts a little boogie in it. Hey, that doesn't make any sense. That's not really like that. He doesn't. In fact, you know what? Maybe when he was younger, the boogie man, he didn't really get it.

Yeah, it seems like he doesn't get a lot. There's I feel like a lot of scapes this man But what I love is that like she seems to think he's cheating well, which maybe but like can we point out that? Among all the wild moves he's making it would be a crazy move to like fuck someone Cheating on your partner. I'm like, hold on wipe the evidence away with their shirt, right? But we've already established this man's an idiot. I know the evidence away with their shirt. Right, but we've already established this man's an idiot. I know. I know. I'm scared. And like the other thing is like if you get caught once come up with your crazy idea Oh, I jerked off in the car. Mm-hmm. You get caught again because you threw your used cheating cum rag

That happens to be a piece of her clothing. It's a cum shirt. Thank you very much. And not when he's done with it Uh, no, specifically what he's done with it. No, specifically when he's done with it. No, no, it's just a rag. OK, sure. And like to to keep doing it and just be like, no, this is a thing that I do. I think that is the evidence that he's not cheating, because I think if he was cheating. It is. I think he said it once and I was like, oh, I got to cover. I've got to because if he kept changing his excuse, I think that would be suspicious. But he's just like, yeah, I got a cover. I've gotten I've because if he kept changing his excuse I think that would be suspicious if he's just like yeah, I'm a car wanker. She's like, okay, he's like no cool

Oh, she bought it. Yeah, maybe cuz then why would he have to come up with another excuse? And then the one time she questioned that he did come up with another excuse. He was like blew my nose on it Yeah, I'm a car wanker and blower either way you need to decide a do you trust your partner if you think he is capable of? and blower. Either way, you need to decide, hey, do you trust your partner? If you think he is capable of cheating on you and what isn't this man capable of? It's true. This man can, he's chasing his hopes and his dreams. Uh, you need to like call it there or at least be like, Hey, I'm starting to be very suspicious about your behavior. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Like, we haven't had sex in a while. You're jerking off in the car and you like, or you're seeing someone else and leaving evidence around

for me to see because you want to get caught or whatever. Right. You're like fucking weird idiot. Also you lied to me. Like you didn't take the thing and I left it in the car. And like, why would you change your story from come to fucking snot? Like, did you forget which part,

which clothing article you use to wipe your bodily fluids off on? Yeah It's there's so much a fault here that you I don't even know where to start Yeah, and if you need to put down a look on ultimate and be like I don't want to find any more come clothes in the car Yeah, it's gross I don't care if you're jerking off but like leaving your cum stained So to just marinate in the heat objects around the fucking yeah, you know our collective space to be like How would you feel if I just live a dripping fucking dildos all over the apartment be fucking gross like it's it's disrespectful of other people's Personal space wipe your ass and leave on the counter. Yeah, there you go. It's it's disgusting

There's a reason why when you're done doing anything with your body Mm-hmm, you put it in a little thing away from everyone else. Trash. Yeah. Trash bins, trash bags. Yeah. There are people come and collect it. It's great. So I think if you need an ultimatum, I think that's it. And then like if he doesn't, if you keep finding them, then you could be like, you don't respect me. Like you have literally zero care about how I feel or what you're doing. You're doing it because you want to.

And it's my expense and also a crime. It's fucking weird. I don't like it. Yeah. You need to be like, stop doing it. You can do it at home. It's a crime. Don't do it with my clothes. Why did you lie? And what's going on with all these other things? What order you want to do that in?

I don't know. But like, you know, you just needs so many conversations. 100 percent. This is from Abject Guava. I have a sexting problem. I don't know, but like, you know, you just needs so many conversations. 100%. This is from Abject Guava. I have a sexting problem. I know sexting is normal, but I keep telling people real stuff about my life and experiences. That turns them off. I don't know why they dislike it so much, but there's nothing I know I can do.

Girl, I want to slide those panties off and I'm so depressed and I don't think I'll ever own a home. Well, this is the next sentence. I've had many experiences as a kid and talking about it lets me take control and connect with other people. How do I do this? Well, it seems like it doesn't let you connect with other people if it makes them sad and leave.

Yeah. And also, I feel like sex is not the time to be like, just talk about me as a kid. Right. I think there's a lot of things here that I think you're missing what sexting is. Also, like, yeah, who is he sexting and why? Because it seems like it's an anonymous sexting thing. And he's like, oh, but then I put in real details, shit.

Or is it just someone and then he's like, oh, let's take a break from sex to have trauma. Or do you think that sexting is like any text about sex? Because those are, that's not the case. Like talking about sex is not sexting. No. Sexting is a, like a text based flirt. You are role playing.

Usually you are, you are describing sexual acts to the other person. It is sexy in nature. Yes. Like you, you are essentially having like phone sex via text. You're like role playing in a way. Yeah Having a conversation about sex is a completely different thing having a conversation about sexual trauma, which I think you're talking about Yeah, I don't know if they were like, oh I was a very promiscuous like 17 year old or something. Yeah Either way, it's kind of weird and obviously you're not doing it

Right if you're upsetting people and it's well I don't know if there is a way like if I was talking to someone as an adult even if I was 20 Mm-hmm and someone started talking about them having sex as a teenager. I would immediately like my brain Here's teenager. Mm-hmm, and I don't want to think about you. Oh, I'm not saying there's a right way to do it necessarily I'm saying you're doing the whole thing wrong. Yes, it's not working out. Yeah It's like I don't I don't want to have teenager sex thoughts. No. Regardless of whether you are now currently an adult, I don't want to picture you as a child having sex.

Yeah. Right? And it's no shame to you. I don't care what you did as a teenager. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. It's cool that it happened once people were like consenting, healthy, happy, but it's not hot. No. And the point of, but it's not hot. No. And the point of sexting is to be hot.

Yes. It's meant to arouse. It's meant to like titillate. It's meant to like sort of like, you know, it's almost like another level of foreplay. It's foreplay foreplay. Yeah. Right? Like you're preheating the oven before you get a chance to actually like physically interact.

And the last thing I need or want in a sexual relationship think about a child at that point is any sort of kid thoughts yeah I I'm just there's not enough information because it does almost sound like trauma yeah cuz this lets me take control yeah which makes it feel to me like they have these this bad thing or whatever that's happens them and then by like inserting it into this conversation they can like yeah they're. But like, that's not the way to do it. Also, like people are just your people aren't your therapy punching bags or your trauma punching bags, whatever. And like dumping it on them in general, probably not great. Dumping it on them when they're trying to be sexy

is bad. Yes, it's, it's a complete opposite of what should be happening. It's like emotional and sexual whiplash of being like, all right, like maybe I'm stroking my dick while I'm sexting you. And then all of a sudden you're like, and this terrible thing happened to me as a child. It's like, okay. So I think instead of sexting these thoughts, I think you get a therapist and you have an actual conversation with an adult who is both willing- I've been sexting my therapist and it's really helping me.

Yeah. Who's both willing and capable of dealing with these because you don't know if the people you're talking to have gone through similar experiences. If we are discussing or talking about trauma, and sexual violence, and sexual assault. Yeah, you could just trigger that. You have no idea what that person has gone through. And while you may find it cathartic to-

It might just be very upsetting to them. Yes, and honestly, I think a lot of people being faced with the concept of sexual assault, especially to a child, is troubling. For sure. And it's not something- And like ever, it would always be troubling and awful and harrowing and upsetting.

But so much more so if we're in the middle of doing something sexual. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, let's say you're getting into it and then all of a sudden they're like, boom. And you're like, oh, cool. My dick's in my hand. And now and there's like almost a weird sort of like transfer of energy of being like, do you see me as like, yes, do you feel like this situation is the same? Because I don't want to be a part of that. So there's no way you wouldn't relate that yet. So if you if you're finding people are pulling away from it, that's why, dude.

Yeah. Like you need to chill. Yeah. I actually don't know if this what gender identity this person is. That's fair. Yeah, we both assume man feels like it feels like a guy thing to do. Maybe not. Either way, you're doing it wrong. Yeah. So so get a therapist. Talk about this in a environment that guy thing to do. Maybe not. Either way, you're doing it wrong. Yeah. So so get a therapist. Talk about this in a environment that is productive to yourself. And I think it's great that talking about it allows you to reclaim strength. I think that's a huge sign of healing.

Just you to heal in the right place. Yeah, you with a willing partner. Yeah, you have to focus where that's taking place. And it isn't your Tinder match. Yeah, I got a list of rules from my 19 year old female friend, 23 year old male. So she's 19, he's 23. After we had sex for the first time,

and I'm not sure if it's normal, happened a few days ago and I can't decide what to think. I've known him for about two years and we've started getting more closer recently. We were together last night in the Bit Tipsy and we had sex. I was a virgin till this point I want to get over with honestly. So it was an interesting experience.

We parted ways and went back to our dorms after it ended. I woke up the next morning to a paragraph telling me everything I did wrong and things I could improve on. All the points were numbers and more numbered and there were 10 of them. He said how I should make more noise work on my arch work on my eye contact should at least have tried to loosen up before we did it I think because I was tight because it was my first time I should be more kinky and not so vanilla He tried a number of times to choke me or pull my hair, but I stopped him every time a couple more points

He also said I should buy a cuter lingerie law and how I should be less jumpy and more open to things He wants to do since guys like that more told my best friend about it, and she thinks I shouldn't she doesn't think I should keep seeing him But I really like him. I don't want to stop being friends with him I do want there to be another time But I'm so lost on whether the message is normal if I'm overreacting or feel free to ask for any information But he told me he likes the idea of taking my virginity because it adds to my innocence Yes, guys sucks this guy is garbage And that's not to say if you had the agreement of being like I'm'm nervous about sex and I would love for you to like critique, you know,

like if your whole thing was like, I want to get over, you know, I want to get my virginity out of the way. And I would love some like, you know, cursory tips. Sure. Even then the tips ain't great, but no, I mean, like the first little bit of like, you know, make more noise. Sure. Those are all work on your arch. Everyone needs to know he bad. He bad for that. But then the idea of being like less than the worth of your consent, uh, you know, like do don't, don't care about your own sexual

pleasure. It's all about guys. It'll be like all those things are so bad and such a terrible way to start a sexual career. And I also feel like he thinks and or knows he can get away with this because you are inexperienced. And that sucks because I think another woman who, you know, it isn't her first time would tell him to go fuck himself. So some hopefully, but you look, but it's more likely, you know what I mean? You look at the amount of questions we have where people are like, is this a red flag?

It's like throw a knife at me. Yeah, like, of course it's a red flag and don't see this guy again, or if you do want to see him be like, hey Here's my counter list. Yeah, it's like I didn't ask for any of this Yeah, so you can keep your opinions to yourself if you didn't have a good time. That's fine I can find sex elsewhere to I am going to continue to tell you what I do and don't like yeah And then they have to deal with that or else it's a crime And the things that I don't like when I say I don't like it, you don't do it again. Yeah. If you keep trying to pull my hair, I don't want it. Don't do it again.

Ever. Don't choke me. I don't want it. And if I change my mind, if I want to try things, then then I'll bring it up. Yeah. But when I say no to something, it's a fucking no. And you need to lay down that log because one more dudes need to hear it. Yes.

Right. And hopefully they hear it from us mm-hmm and also every single person you sleep with needs to know that because otherwise you are in danger yeah and I honestly I don't think you should see this guy no I don't he's a scumbag like literally none of his points are viable apart from maybe like be less jumpy but if he doesn't have the wherewithal to understand why you might have been jumpy during your first time, he's a fucking idiot. But also like jumpy is a weird word. I that's yeah, it feels very uncomfortable. Jumpy is like it seems to be like if I'm doing something to make someone jumpy,

it's the onus is on me to chill the fuck out or change behavior. There's two roots here. It's either you were doing something to make her jumpy or she was a little nervous because it was her first time and if you don't Understand that and you're like your fault. Don't fuck yourself. You weren't planning on having sex You're like you need cute or lingerie go fuck yourself Yeah, like this guy sucks so much shit. Your friend has your back. Do not see him again. Let me tell you Maybe don't even be as friendly sounds Sounds like you know, this guy sucks. I have like the idea that you should be wearing lingerie,

like apparently 24 seven is insane. Well, the amount of what if what if she sleeps with a guy and has normal underwear she should be wearing. And like that's crazy to me because like, well, it is crazy. I've seen a considerable amount of women in their underwear. And I would say that like the only time I've been treated to lingerie is like when that was their plan. Or like I, you know, I was going over for a booty call specifically and someone threw on. But it's like if I meet someone or go on a date with someone, I'm not expecting them.

If we're going back to my place to be wearing their like finest Victoria secrets and also like And love is not meant to go under clothes Yeah, both in terms of comfort and like everything else and shape and yeah And you know, it's like like it's very obvious sometimes who like someone's wearing like a nice lacy bra because it's like Well, all you see yeah, you know all my right I you need to I think you need to send a message You'd be like hey you suck Yeah And if you think it's safe, but I think you really do need to be like,

I don't feel safe having sex with someone who continuously tells me to not. Reinforce my consent. Yeah. And that is a huge red flag for me. So I may be inexperienced, but I'm not stupid. Go fuck yourself. And when a woman says no, it means no.

Yeah. And just leave it at that. Or just send them a link to this episode. Yeah. Hey dude, what the fuck? I promise you you you will find someone who knows what the fuck they're doing Who will be happy to teach you the gropes and guide you and you say gropes To the gropes. I know also you will I guess are also important You know, I was very lucky when I started sleeping with women I had women who were very like patient with me and me and, like, taught me a bunch of shit

and sort of, like, really walk me through the the ins and outs of work on your arch. I was in my arches in heckle now. It's like a Hot Wheels. We drive a car right under it. It's crazy. So it's like you'll find someone like that. You'll find someone who's willing to be patient with you. And and when you say no, they will not do the thing the thing or hey maybe they'll even ask before they do maybe they'll communicate. Yeah. Yeah. Like this is such a good way to start your uh like your fucking life

if you like put down your boundaries right now and don't back down and give your friend a good hug. Yeah your friend has your back. Your friend is Listen to them. It's rare. I find these days Usually people are just like yeah go get it go get in lane anytime I go talk to him He's like you do it like you dick wet, bro. They've got so many weapons aimed at me currently I think they're robbing me. He's no go on bro. Get it in there. Yeah one inner. Yeah, I think calls me a pussy Yeah, and then calls me a pussy. Yeah All the time. It's the only time I get an hour of her spite from being called a pussy and it's only more fun Do it podcast. I do have a little sign that I just hold. Yeah He's doing and I make a word name tag that says hi. My name is pussy

Yeah, I get to take it off after we stop recording though, but then it's calm. Plus. Yeah This is from Super Toad Gaming. Toad as in like the frog during November and they were like trying to get a loophole? Maybe. I brought this because I opened it up because I was like, what does this mean? What are you talking about? And someone said, one could reasonably assume that if you're so addicted to masturbation that you need to look for loopholes, the second you turn a passive into an intentional, it would also be considered a form of masturbation.

He responded, hmm, okay. So if there was a way to force a wet dream, it would be considered masturbating. I love the idea of this guy, he's got like his big, like the clear, like whiteboards that like people bring out and he's just crossed off wet dreams. He's like, all right.

What's next? Yeah, how can I, how can I jork it with it? Without jorking it. Without's next? Yeah. How could I? How can I jork it without without jorking it? And he's like, what if I have a wet dream in my car while I have my partner's shirt stuffed down my pants? Is that a crime? Is that a yes or no? That's what the guy's doing in the car. He's fucking like turning the car engine on and passing out.

Try to force a. He's just toeing the line of fucking carbon monoxide Carbon macaques I'd poisoning Carbone Oxide poisoning They they work because you get a rouse during a dream and it provokes your dick Yeah, it's like I'm not fucking wet dream scientist. I mean, it's exactly what you think it is.

You have a dream that's particularly sexy, typically about your mother the first time. What? Yeah, I think like statistically, one of the first wet dreams most dudes have is about their mother. Damn. Yeah. Mine was about a girl I went to school with.

Hell yeah. She was my mother. So every other one was your mother. Well, she was my mother. Yeah, yeah. I have it the worst way where... Yeah, it's usually, you know, at the start of puberty, but it continues pretty much your whole life. But usually once you hit puberty, you...

You have a sex dream, your brain's a powerful thing, your brain stimulates your penis to the point, maybe you're gyrating a little on your bed who knows and then you come yeah boom sometimes a lot sometimes a little sometimes a lot sometimes a little ain't that ain't that life ain't that the way it is ain't that the way the cookie crumbles just the way you do dreaming of your mother now I just go you a next question because I don't know what I have to add to this, man. Also, are you good? It seems like you're not good.

It doesn't seem like you're good. I think if you're chasing wet dreams for satisfaction, like wet dreams are inherently not a controllable. Yes. So I'm also like, you don't need them to be because you can either jerk it or not. And if you can't jerk it, but you need to jerk it, go talk to a professional. Yeah. It sounds like you may have some can't jerk it, but you need to jerk it, go talk to a professional. Yeah, it sounds like you may have some some sexual related issues that you need to work through.

Or you're just trying to work on weird semantics. Or you have this like no fap ideology in which like you think that masturbating is a weakness and you're now trying to find. Yeah, you're either going to be like, wait, fuck, I know what dream. Does that mean I'm weak or wait a minute? If I can wank every night in my sleep, I never have wanked her. Yeah. And again, go talk to somebody because masturbation is a healthy thing. If you're, if you're worried about the fact, like if you think you may be an addict of porn or something, find a healthcare professional, a mental health professional and have a conversation about and see if you can get

to the root of the cause. But if you're just like, I don't want to jerk off because it makes me weak and Andrew Tate says not to, then that's your fiber. Yeah. All right. This is by Throray Palmtree, 489. Am I, 20 year old male, being unreasonable for finding it disrespectful when my girlfriend, 20 year old female, goes on her phone during sex. I don't know if it just started happening or if I'm just noticing it. But whenever I take a break during sex, whether it's use the bathroom or get water, girlfriend goes on her phone. These breaks are never longer than 30 to 60 seconds. I wouldn't have as much of an issue with this if they were longer breaks.

I'm asking the question to know if it's unreasonable to find it disrespectful and believe it shows she isn't as mentally engaged as just sex to her. When I brought it up to her, she seemed annoyed and didn't get why it was an issue. Edit. Breaks are only when necessary. She takes them too. We use the bathroom or fill a water bottle and drink some. Breaks are without exaggeration, never longer than 30 to 60 seconds.

Sex usually lasts one and a half to two and a half hours. So having to use the bathroom isn't unreasonable, especially in a bottle or two of wine. Do you take breaks during sex? No, that's that's the thing. So I'm like, oh, she's using the phone during sex. Disrespectful. That's like when we take breaks.

I'm like, OK. I mean, so I think it is like if you're just like, I'm really sorry. I need some water. And you run to the kitchen, you drink and they come back on their phone.

I think that's I think that's a little disrespectful. No, you're gone. They're sitting there. They pull up their phone for a sec. Whatever. Yeah, I don't know, because I'm just like, no. I think that's I think that's a little disrespectful. No, you're gone. They're sitting there. They pull up their phone for a sec. Whatever. Yeah, I don't know, because I'm just like, no, I think I think I would be a little miffed at that. I think we're not having sex. It's a break. You can do it for 30 seconds. You can't not be on your phone.

That's a different problem. That's a problem with society these days. Dude, how do you think I got my fucking tweets in for the podcast, bro? You think I'm not tweeting? What partner needs her desperate need to guzzle some water? I mean, I think I think it's stranger that you're like just you've got like scheduled breaks Yeah, I've never been having sex and like it's gone on so long that I do need to go use the bathroom Thank you very much. Yeah

I don't think I've ever like the whole body is like meant to like not want to pee Well, you're having think I've ever like the whole body is like meant to like not want to pee while you're having sex. If I need to pee, I'll just go before sex. Apart from that one time I wasn't allowed. And then you filled that woman with piss. No, I peed in the shower. Well, I was a whole thing. But like that probably sounded weird. Me not. It was fine. It was like I had a boner. It was hard to pee.

So it was awkward because they want to keep them waiting. It's a whole story. Maybe I'll tell it one day. Maybe I've already told it. Someone put it in the novel, actually. Very funny. So what we're talking about? I don't care. It's like you take a break.

If you're going to piss in your shower, if I leave the room and I come back and you're on your phone, if I'm like, let's get into it, and you're like, hold on. Or you're like on TikTok. You're like, well, after this video, like, sure. It's going to be more of a problem of like the brakes are now interrupting sex to an actual degree as opposed to like a

Snippet to go get water piss which again It's hard to get behind the reasoning of this question when it's it's so alien to me But also are you having a bottle of wine or two every time you fuck because that seems wrong and I like drinking Yeah, like what do you do? Wait fucking for two and a half hours. Yeah, I don't I don't know. What's happening here? What are you doing? But again, if this is something that bothers you and we don't get the right to tell you what does or doesn't.

Yeah, you bring it up with your partner. Just say like, hey, you know, when I when I go and grab some water, I come back you on your phone. It seems like you're a little disconnected. If it makes me feel like you you're just kind of going through the motions. Those are valid things to say and they'll probably be like, oh, no, just you were gone. I had nothing to do. So I just checked my phone because we're all obsessed with our fucking gadgets. Yeah. Again, I'm not saying it's a good thing, but I'm saying it makes sense.

I wouldn't be upset about it. Yeah, it's this is the lovely thing about being in a relationship, whether this is a sexual one or boyfriend, girlfriend, I don't remember it. You have words and you can use them to communicate thoughts and ideas to the other person who then translates it into other sounds realistic they can just communicate things by making sounds yeah maybe what she's doing is writing up a list of 10 things that you can approve on 10 things I hate about fucking yeah it's not hard to like tell your partner that something bothers you. Yeah. And I understand that if you're adverse to conflict or, you know,

if you're conflict averse, you just kind of got to get over that, though, don't you? Yeah. But you're with someone who's the safest person to bring things up. It's not like you're going to your boss. It's not like you're going to a stranger. It's not like you're going to like your high school bully. This is someone who's supposed to love and respect and care about everything that you feel. This is the safest person. And if you can't, if you don't feel like you can talk to them about something as

simple or as important as like, Hey, I feel a little disrespectful when you get on your phone in between, you know, when I go and get water, I feel like you're a little disconnected and it makes me feel like maybe this doesn't mean as much to you or that you're thinking about other things. Like all those things are valid. So say them. Yeah. And then hopefully they will be like, oh, shit, I as now said, like, I know disrespect meant I was bored and I'm addicted to my phone like we all are.

Yeah. And like, hopefully she will be like, I'm really sorry. I didn't know that. I won't do it anymore. Or she'll explain to you and you won't feel as bad. Yeah. Right. Like, and maybe you make a rule of being like during sexy sexy time phones go on the dresser and we'll look at them when we're done Yeah, it's something as simple as that Like maybe they do maybe it is like just a knee-jerk reaction of like two and a half hours a lot tweets, man Do not have hours is too long. It's too long. Like I'm I like sex but like Even with foreplay. Yeah and like making out you're you're either not having as much sex as you think or you're doing

It's so wrong. I don't know. I'm confused. Yeah, I'd like if it was the occasional one That's fine, but you're telling me every time every time every like what who has time for that? Yeah, that's why she's on her phone Yeah, she's trying to get her fucking work email. It's like holy. Oh shit. Fuck. Okay. Hold on Yeah, like I don't know. Anyway, I guess gonna bring us towards the end of our episode Yeah, and we've had a fucking time. I'm last great time. Hopefully the sad music isn't still playing Oh, man, if they're sad music still playing I am heartbroken. That's why it's sad. Yeah, well, that's why the music's yeah Maybe I just won't listen to this episode so I won't get sad Yeah, but if it does sound good if it sounds good, you're welcome. Hell, yeah, we did it

I'm but I mean, thank you Dane for doing this little setup. Yeah, it sounds good, you're welcome. Hell yeah, we did it. And by that I mean, thank you, Dane, for doing this little setup. Yeah, it was frustrating, but we figured it out. Yeah, we hope. It was one of the first. Who knows? Maybe we'll get to the end of this episode. It didn't work. Yeah.

It was one of the first times where a technical problem was solved by downloading drivers. It's crazy. Who knew golf would have helped? Terrible. It's a golf joke. It's a type of... It's a hilarious golf joke. We love you guys. If you love us and you want to support

us, we have a Patreon. We're going to be doing a little bit more stuff going into the new year. I feel like we've kind of haven't been as regimented as we once were with it. So we're going to be a little bit. We love you.

This year was chaos to to put it. Yeah, it was it was a lot. It we we got in the weeds a lot in the summer. We we put off a lot. We're really proud of the things that we did. But but other things did suffer and one of them was the patron. And we apologize.

But we we're going to do a lot of stuff that we kind of like joke about here and have fun on the patron again. We're going to start doing some wacky stuff. Yeah, we're going to be doing a little weird stuff. If you have any suggestions, if there's something you want us to do more than happy to look at, we'll probably do it. We love you guys. So if you have an idea, if there's something you'd like us to do or, you

know, explore, let us know if there's something other podcasts do that you feel like we don't that you want us to do just last night, we're easy. If you don't want to support us on the page, you're totally fine. If you do want to support us still though, share us with a friend, post about us on Reddit. You know what I mean? There's always people being like, Hey, I need a sex positive sex and dating advice thing. I will say there's been a lot of people since a certain election talking about how we need more positive role models for men and more like positivity in general and more like people that don't hate people. I like to think we are that and I haven't seen our name popping

up in these questions. Some of them we can't put our name forward. So if you see a thing and you think we fit the bill, if you see someone asking for inclusive sex advice, if you see somebody asking for a fun show, if you see someone asking for like positive male representation, feel free to throw us forward. We would really appreciate it. Yep. Because reddit's pretty hardcore about self promo, as I know, by accidentally getting us kicked out of sex. Um, so if you want to put us out there when we can't, we would appreciate that.

Yeah. Tell a friend, review us. We love you. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvard cities for their song, Paper Stars. Got some bad sex writing for me? I do. This time it's a review from a restaurant. Oh no!

That's the worst place to get it. One star review. Uh oh. And went with my daughter. The waiter was a very cute boy around her age and was nice enough at first. I asked him if he would like to go on a blind date with my daughter. He said no. Needless to say I did not leave him a tip.

And I reported him to his manager. My daughter's face was red for the rest of the meal. How dare he embarrass my daughter. He said no. Needless to say, I did not leave him a tip. I reported him to his manager. My daughter's face was red for the rest of the meal. How dare he embarrassed my daughter? Hopefully justice will be served. Yeah. Let's take this man out to the streets and beat him to death. As as he should be, because how dare he embarrassed this man's daughter. I love the idea that like, yeah, this guy is so fucking clueless that he thought that him being like, no, I'm good was what embarrassed her.

Also, thank God he didn't tip this poor man who wouldn't just date this man's daughter at his whims. Yeah. People are fucked. I, man, if someone did that to me, it would be, I'd be so happy. It would make me so happy because I would be like, what are you doing? I'd have a conversation with him because I don't respect my job anymore. Yeah.

It's, it's nice to be in a position to just look around the landbass to finally be able to like give a little back. Yeah, just give a little back. You're like, hey, what are you fucking doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Let's let's let's this is a teachable moment right now. This is how you order, by the way. My new thing is yelling at people who sit at dirty tables.

There's always I don't know why, but people go, for the only dirty table. If there's eight tables and one has shit all over and is unwashed, they'll sit there. I will. And then they'll look upset. I know, yell at people about that. Good, yeah. And people need to learn.

They've had it too good for too long, and I'm coming for you. Please ask me to date your daughters. It'll be real funny for me. But not for them. No. And you're the one embarrassed. My name's Dave Miller.

And I'm Niiles Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies.