F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 325 - A Yard in the Testical Division

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

No one will ever know how important a millimeter is!  Topics include libido mismatch, the problem with showering, the group chat conspiracy, finding your Kia Soulmate.

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Damiler. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a Sex and Dating Advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we are a Sex and Dating Advice podcast. We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, sometimes on Patreon, sometimes on stage,

and often in 2025, the new year you're currently in, welcome. I don't know if we can say often in 2025. We're going to is what I'm saying. We are. It'll be every week for 2025. Yeah. Also, I just throw it out here because I don't think it's happened. Yeah, it was this Friday. We won a Canadian podcast award. Oh, shit. Yeah, we did. Outstanding Education Series. Yeah. So somehow, y'all have been learning something on this show I don't know what or how but you have and apparently it's been good I feel like that's appropriate one of our one of my favorite messages We've ever gotten was about our like blowjob handjob like episode. So they learned something apparently

They said it saved their relationship. So one of my favorite messages was the guy looking for a blonde in Texas Yeah, yeah, really that the same guy who then when we told him we were dating advice pockets like oh Actually, this is that guy's brother and he had a really sad question about no cheating partner. No, okay. That was a different one. Yeah But thank you very much to the Canadian Podcast Awards and everyone who listens. That's very nice. Yeah, everyone who listens, obviously we love you and everybody who voted, you had to be in the industry to vote.

So thank you to all the other podcasters out there. Oh, you wanna know something fun? What? We just got placed in the top 100 best dating podcasts of all time over on FeedSpot. Hell yeah. Yeah, I just got an email right now. We're number 34. I'll take it. top 50 top 40 top 35 top 35 top 34 even

Says not a bad day to start the first not a bad way to start the first day. Yeah, we're putting this on New Year's Day And I can't decide what my energy is gonna be because last year I wanted to get a little more like aggressive and be like a little more unforgiving I think I'm gonna lean into that. I think I'm still pretty even more Yeah, I think I was a further aggressive pretty lenient on some of the stuff And I think I think this year's is the year of tough love. I think I'm gonna be a little scamp Oh cuz that's a's a new flavor for you. I was going to come on this episode with sunglasses on,

but it's too crazy to start the episode one. That's insane. But you know what? This week we're going to talk about a libido mismatch. The one thing that they can't do with their partner. Found out a secret about his friend's chat. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier Love that the killers are writing in

Gonna start with this and what better way to start off the year than with a audience question. We love you. Thank you This is by agent unknown. Oh, I 37 year old female have a very high sex drive and my boyfriend 47 year old male does not he says he has no Interest in sex anymore. I have asked about why and outside factors and he says there aren't any we've been together three years and other aspects Of life we are compatible. However, this is causing a strain in our relationship My toys just aren't doing it for me anymore and it's been three months since we've had sex any advice This is one of those times where hey you ready for some tough love? Ready for this? Does it say how long they've been together?

It was three years. Okay. Sometimes relationships hit a point where they no longer serve both people and sometimes it sucks but you have to make a call where you have a conversation and explain your needs and if this person, which it sounds like you have, this person has said, oh, well, they don't line up with my needs or my wants, which is he doesn't want to have sex. He's not interested in having sex. And it seems like you are very much so.

Then I don't understand, like, again, we've talked about this last year. It was one of the things I talked a lot about, circles. Sex and your relationship are not two separate entities They they are part of the same thing sex is part of your relationship. So you can't be like the relationship is great We're just not having the sex that I want to have because my partner doesn't want to have it anymore Yeah, if you flipped it around if you were like partner is not good. It's not there for me is not whatever sex is good Though it's like we'd be telling you to get the fuck out of that.

Yes. It's insane to me that we still think that like, sex is an addition onto a relationship. It's not like a little like DLC package that you get to like install because you're lucky enough to like download it or you can afford it or whatever. Like, that's not how relationships work and that's not how happiness works if this was like any other like Sort of concept of being like well, you know, I ordered a Big Mac and I like burgers But it is a fish fillet, you know, you know for all intents and purposes It's a sandwich and I like sandwiches. So I guess this is fun. Like what are you talking? That's a better situation I like sandwiches, so I guess this is fine. Like, what are you talking about?

Arguably, that's a better situation. I mean, I don't know. I haven't had McDonald's in a while, but I recall the fish filet not great. Well, in your hypothetical, they don't seem to mind, so. They hate fish filet. Oh, shit. Secretly?

Damn it. Yeah, it's, look, I think it is always worth a second conversation because while you seem to have brought it up, I don't know the extent to which you've brought it up. So I think just being like, Hey, I, you know, I appreciate we had this conversation the other day, but like, I really want to get into it and let you know, like sex is really important to me. I'm feeling dissatisfied. Like I really want to have more sex. So like, when you say you just don't want it and like, there's no kind of like outside things, like,

where does that leave me like you know what I mean and like try to get to the bottom just be like look this is a thing I want and I need and like see if there is a way forward whether that be like oh you know he's stressed and like just because he said there wasn't an outside thing doesn't mean there isn't you know what I mean? Yes there's a lot of he's an older fella he's's almost 50. There's a, a level of men not being allowed to talk about their feelings or for sure, right? Like there might be this situation where it's like him admitting that there's a problem might be a bigger

issue to him than leaving you unsatisfied. Yeah. Unfortunately, that's a shit. Not having sex. Yeah. Like that's a shit sort of like way to live, But that is unfortunately how a lot of men are raised and are still being raised. And we are taught to bury our insecurities and be like, nope, there's no problem.

I just don't want it. Also, men of, again, making kind of generalizations here, but of a certain generation or a certain toxic viewpoint don't really see women as wanting and or needing sex. So like him just being like, oh, we're not, I don't want it. He might not even be considering that you may need this. You know what I mean? Cause like, again, the toxic view is like men want and need sex and women, they'll put up with it, I guess. You know what I mean? Like shit like that. So I would have the chat, see if there is a way that you guys can move forward with this and like, you know, that way could include a chat about opening up the relationship.

Like if he, if you guys want to date each other and his jealousy won't get in the way and you don't mind and sex important for you, but it's just off the table for him. the table for him, maybe you can open your relationship and get that enjoyment elsewhere. Or if it's that important to you and he isn't willing or able to give it to you, maybe it's time for a new relationship. Yeah, I think a really important question to ask him is, at what point does my, you know, satisfaction in this relationship matter? Because if I'm telling you I'm dissatisfied, I'm unsatisfied, I require X, Y, and Z, more sex, whatever. And he's just saying, well, I don't want it. It's like, okay, well, then he's satisfied because he's everything he needs he's getting. You aren't. So at what point in time does that matter to him? And if he's capable of being like, well, it doesn't matter to me because I'm getting everything I need. And if you're dissatisfied, well, it sucks for you, but like, not my problem. Then you know that you're like, this relationship doesn't serve you on any level. And now all of a sudden that like,

that, you know, oh, he's great everywhere else. We love each other very much, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All that doesn't mean anything because he, cause it's not true, right? If a partner can look you in the eye and be like, your satisfaction doesn't mean anything to me because I'm satisfied. So big shrug. And like, that's not to say he should have sex with you if he doesn't want to. Right. If he's if he's not feeling it, like that's totally fine. You know what I mean? If it's just where he's at and it's just where he's like, you know, if he just doesn't have a libido anymore or whatever, 100 percent,

there's no part of him that should be required to do this. But you then need to make that choice of like, is it worth sticking in a relationship? Like, are you that dissatisfied that's going to be an issue? Because if it is, something needs to be fixed. And if he's not willing or able to be that fix, then you need to either, again, open the relationship or leave and find a new one. Right. Because if you're that dissatisfied, what staying in this relationship going to do? Make you more miserable, make him more miserable, breed resentment. You know, we've talked about before in our breakup, like Patreon deep dive.

It's like breaking up before things get bad is great. It's a gift for both of you. You could draw this out and endure like weeks, days, months of misery, become more and more angry and bitter with each other. Or if you just don't fit, you could call it off and be happy and maybe friends. You know? Yeah. And there's also like the idea of like the sun cause fallacy being like, well, I've been together with this guy for three years. And it's like, okay, cool.

So then you're going to continue to wait. Like every day, like you've decided that you're unhappy in this relationship. So every day that you stay in the relationship is a day that is wasted as opposed to the time that you stay in the relationship is a day that is wasted as opposed to the time that you spent with him and were happy and were satisfied and enjoyed. That's not wasted. You don't waste any time there because you were being served by the relationship. But the second you realize and clock in your own brain and be like, this doesn't work for me, but I'm going to stay with it because I did. I have three years of investment in it. So I guess, I guess that's all of it.

Like turn it into three good years on one wasted year, wait, two wasted years. Now it's equal wasted. And you know, that's the thing about the sun cost fallacy is like, yes, it is worrying or scary to think like, Oh no, I'm throwing away whatever. But as Dane said, it wasn't thrown away and instead you're doing the opposite. You're actively throwing time away if you decide to stay in a situation where you're not happy. Yeah.

I mean, like I go through this like same sort of situation where anytime I have free time, especially like when I'm really busy and instead of like spending two hours playing a video game, I spend two hours stressing out about not playing a video game. And then I've done nothing. All I've done is like scroll on my phone. Yeah. And I've done nothing, which I could have spent two hours like unwinding and enjoying myself. But instead, I've spent two hours like being anxious and feeling guilty about spending these two hours. And like that's how a lot of people approach their relationships. A lot of people approach relationships with that same sort of idea of being like,

well, I'm in this relationship, so I have a relationship, so that's fine. And any sort of idea of being like, well, I should maybe just do the right thing for me, but no, no, no. Like this, this is fine. It's you need to cut ties when they need to be severed. And you know, everyone knows, I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've been like, I don't know if I'm happy in this really, like, it's usually pretty clear and we just do the mental gymnastics of rationalizing

and trying to change your own mind. And also like if you're not sure if you're happy, you're, you're not. Yeah. Right. Like, if you can't answer that question, it's not a good sign. Yeah, 100 percent. So as I said, we talk to your partner, emphasize how much this is important to you and how how dissatisfied you are. And if there's no way to meet in the middle, then it's time to move on

or accept that you're going to be dissatisfied for the rest of this relationship Which I don't think is it becomes a question of which is more important to you, right? Is this dissatisfaction something you can get over doesn't seem like it. So don't put yourself in a position where you're gonna be miserable Yep, I hate me. This is from dark dark field s J The one thing I can't do with my partner. My fiance and I have a phenomenal sex life. I couldn't be happier, but I have a really weird hangup that I'd like advice in getting past because he really wants to do this one thing with me.

And I want to make him happy, but it feels really weird to write about this because it's so minor of a thing. But he wants to take a shower with me. And I'm intrigued by the idea, but I can't bring myself to do it because of some borderline abuse that I had when I was a teenager. I got body shamed a lot back then because of religious issues. I landed above average in the chest area, and a lot of dads in my church were noticing, and their wives were blaming me for it.

It didn't matter how modestly I dressed. The rumor was that I was stuffing my bra in order to tease the men, not even close close What I've got is legitimate, but the rumors got so bad that my foster mom even walked in on me in my shower to confirm I was humiliated I'm away from that foster family now and I'm looking to wait or ways to move past this one incident So I can make my fiancee happy ideas. Are they fucking the I assume the fiance and them are having sex They have they say they have a phenomenal sex life. Oh, okay. Sorry, I forgot that part. So, hmm.

Well, therapy, right? If it's a trauma, right? Because the thing is, I can try to logic my way through this, but that's not how trauma works. Yeah. I got caught up in, because it's a pretty horrific tale, and it made me very sad. Sucks.

So I kind of forgot that you said the sex life. Cause for me, it's like, he knows what you look like naked presumably. Ergo. I think it's more like shower related. I think it's like the, the location, not the, the nakedness. But you hit the, you hit the, it's,

you, you've gotten into a situation where like, this has nothing to do with your relationship is 100% to do with your mental health. And also like what like I doubt it means that much to this guy. You know what I mean? Like I think you're what you're putting a lot of import on it because it's a thing you can't do. And it's a thing you have like these big heavy feelings about. I very much doubt this person is like fuck. Like she just won't have to shut you know I mean and if he is that's kind of strange but like there are so many things here one go get therapy

obviously this is a horrific series of incidents I'm sorry that happened to you these fucking people are shitty two you're obviously not over it but like just go you need to talk to someone about this I will say he probably doesn't really care And if he does have you explained to him why you haven't because I think that will also Take a weight off your chest. Whereas like if he's just like hey, let's shower and you're like, uh, no it's probably weird like that might be where his like Like the the kind of like underlining of this situation is coming if he's confused Whereas like if you're just like hey, I have this like you don't even have to go into much detail if you don't want to. Um, just be like, I had this really shitty incident when I was like, yeah, or like I got bullied and it like revolved around

like showers. I just don't feel comfortable with somebody else being in there. Hopefully your partner, if you're going to get married to them is cool enough to be like, Oh, I'm sorry. I won't ask again, or we can work through it or whatever and I think you having that out there Even if you don't do the thing will make you feel better because they'll get it Hopefully and you'll like at least have opened that door Yeah If you just say like hey the shower is a very anxious location for me because of past Abuse and again now say like if you're not ready to talk about it

Don't talk about it until you get you know The the professional help that gives you the tools and the ready to talk about it, don't talk about it until you get, you know, the professional help that gives you the tools and the vocabulary to talk about it. But if you like, if my partner told me, if I was like, Hey, I really want to have public sex and my partner was like, that gives me severe anxiety. That would be the last I would bring it up. Yeah. Right. She knows I've told her that I want to have public sex.

It's not like all of a sudden that's going to just like evaporate from my brain. She knows. So if it ever gets to the point where she does want to try it. Yeah, she's aware of them to bring it up Yeah, otherwise if someone says hey that like it really scares me. I get really bad anxiety from it There's trauma based reactions to it great. I had a really bad experience once and I just don't want to do it again That's cool. Like that's it like and, and if for some reason I was only like only public sex all the time, that would be on me to be like, okay, this isn't the relationship for me, which again would be a little dramatic. So if showering together is the be all and end all of this guy and he can't wait and he won't whatever, then good because you guys are in a match. Right?

Yeah. And if he's chill, which he probably will be then good because you kind of will have that weight off your mind and hopefully that'll afford you more space to confront this. You know what I mean? Cause it's going to be harder for you to get over this while you have in the back of your mind, like, fuck every day, I'm not over this. Like he's stressed and like it's awkward and you know, like giving yourself that room to breathe. Yeah.

Like I'd like to know that, like, are you constantly being like, oh, for sure. But unfortunately I have to go take the garbage out right now. I would love to, but like, are you saying that you want to do it and then just always have a reason why you can't? I'll be right in. Oh, I got in the phone call. Yeah. Like I think that also bleeds into how this person is going to take it and how,

how he feels about it as well. Right? That's the thing. I would be confused and upset if my partner was being really weird about something that didn't make sense to me. If they were like, oh yeah, I'll be right in. And every time something came up, I would be like, what's going on? And again, depending on them, they might think it's something about them.

Right? You know what I mean? You don't know. Whereas if they were just like, oh, I don't want to do that. It makes me feel really uncomfortable or like, oh, I had a really bad experience. So like I'm I'm just a little weird about showering together and like I prefer to do it alone. I'd be like, oh, OK, sure.

Because the same is like anyone who's been like if I was like, oh, hey, you know, I would like to get more blowjobs, you know, or I would like to really focus like when we have sex, I'd love to like start it off with a blow job or get a blow job as for play. But if my partner doesn't want to do it because of trauma-based reasons or whatever, but they keep saying that they're going to do it and then they don't, I'm going to feel like it's like, okay, you know that I want this and you're, you're actively choosing not to do it.

And if you don't give me a reason as to why you're not doing it, then it just seems that you don't care about what I'm asking for, right? You're just playing some kind of weird game or something, whereas literally just being like, oh, yeah, I'm not into it. OK, cool. Yeah, because we get so many of those questions of being like, I've asked my husband to go down on me and he goes down on me once and then never does it again until I ask him to do it again. And then, you know what I mean?

It's like if there is like a thing there, if there's a reason why you I ask him to do it again. And then, you know what I mean? It's like, if there is like a thing there, if there's a reason why you don't want to do it, if there's a reason why you can't do it or whatever, you can't, don't say like, yeah, for sure. Absolutely, I'm interested in that. Or like lie and just be like, oh, sorry, I sat down and accidentally turned on Marvel Rivals and I have to grind for that Jeff skin.

To be fair, I do understand that. I would get that. Yeah, no, I understand it, but like, yeah, it has to be genuine. 100% Yeah. If you're not, if I like Marvel rivals and I see you haven't even made progress in Jeff's big winter bash. Yeah, absolutely not. If you ain't got those gold snowflakes, I'm thinking wow, what's happening here?

I is it bad that I'm currently got a little change of anxiety because I'm like, did I finish that? I think I did, but I'm worried that I'm going to miss the skin because I don't know when the event ends. Yeah, okay We're gonna call it here. Yeah, that's gonna be Marvel rivals really quickly just ride out some golden snowflakes Yeah, we just got to get that Jeff skin that sounds like some sort of like weird boomer like toss Or like golden snowflake sounds like it yeah it sounds like it's like a homophobic slur or something yeah I don't know like it

would snowflakes they're golden snowflakes like you're just peak snowflake yeah yeah we would like we're two guys who have a sex and dating advice podcast and you know combat toxic masculinity. We're definitely golden snowflakes in their eyes. Oh for sure. Yeah. So try to be open, be as open as you can. I think that'll take the pressure off you and try to get therapy and like it probably doesn't matter as much to him as you think. Yeah especially if you if you say you want to do it that's probably why he keeps asking. Yes. Right like that's the thing if you're just I'm sure if you were just like, I'm not really into that. I don't like showering with people. Like I don't like showering with people.

I don't know. Cause like I don't have a big shower. We're unless you have a, a like 360, like, like rainfall shower thing. Um, and this is why my partner and I are very compatible because my partner can't use showers because it makes her dizzy. So like, fuck yeah, I never have to worry about it. There's no way, like, you just,

one of you stands there wet and bored and then you swap places awkwardly. And then you're cold. Like the other person just like sit in there, not in the hot water. I do want to make it clear that I'm not hyped that my girlfriend gets dizzy in the shower. I'm just saying that it-

I'm just confused about why that happens. But that's fine. We don't need to get into it. This isn't the spot for that. That's in our secret other podcast. Yeah. The... And like, yes, just... Okay, last note.

If you have said something like what we've said, like either about the trauma or about you not liking to, and they keep insisting, that's a problem. Just want to get that clear. Like, if if you keep asking but you've made it clear Maybe this isn't the person for you and maybe you need to have a talk about consent and boundaries. You ready Dane? I'm ready. You know buckle up for this one. It's kind of long. Okay, this is by mindless tennis 4 5 0 4 4 0 4 5 am I over reacting after I found out my boyfriend's online friend group actually You know what? I'm not gonna read you the title the title. I guess I should have been less oblivious,

but since a little before we started dating in 2022, I was added to my boyfriend's, just friend at the time. Oh, my boyfriend, they were just friends at the time. Three person Instagram group chat with what he explained were some of his closest online friends. Two other accounts seemed like real people because they had real followers and comments on their posts and drastically different aesthetics slash looks to them. Maybe I gave it away. We eventually made a Discord server for all of us and that alone was convincing because multiple times we'd all be active at the same time. We never voice chatted, but I don't often voice chat on these things, so I didn't think twice. The group got closer though as more and more time passed since ours first had the group chat and last month we got together and planned a research trip to Hawaii for August.

We live on the east coast the US like we booked everything so imagine my surprise when I'm over at his house tonight and his computer is open and I go to log on to Google Docs and I accidentally stumbled across first of all follower follower bot sites and also him logged in and chatting with me as one of the individuals I thought I'd become close with. and also him logged in and chatting with me as one of the individuals I thought I'd become close with. And I got this sinking feeling. I didn't jump to the idea they could be fake since I was like, maybe he just had their logins because they're all so close, and he's way too interested in their messages. But then I noticed the only chat were group chats on the server, and the real kicker was the email addresses they were signed up under were his backup email with his full name. I quite literally snooped until he got out of the shower and caught me,

which I'm not saying was right, but I couldn't help myself. During my snooping, I gradually became devastatingly confident he wasn't behind just one, but both accounts. I've never seen his face so red and he absolutely panicked and started shouting at me to get out of his business. I couldn't even form the right words to say to him and in the end I walked out of his place sobbing. In the very early morning, uh, it was very early in the morning I get that but the screenshot is what he has to say and I'm starting to feel crazy Am I overreacting about my discovery and this is the text chain She says I just want to know why when it came time for the Hawaii trip How are you gonna explain it? Like what were you thinking and he goes, you know something I've noticed about you

You can never just be calm. There always has to be an issue I know you were raised in a volatile environment and still have to relearn a lot about healthy relationship dynamics, but it's like you thrive on chaos only. And we were going to go see Wicked tonight. Pfft. Guess that that's not happening. You can't be serious, she says. I deserve answers. I'm creeped out. Half my life for the past two years has been complete and total lie and you're behind all of it. And he says,'t be dramatic. You know, this isn't a big deal and you're just giddy to harp on this and make a bigger issue So is the final reveal is that he was every one of these? Yeah, he was playing his two friends on these multiple chats, but

When they make a discord were they not playing games together? Was this man fucking three-arming it? Like what the hell is... I assume it was like, most of our Discords we don't play games, we just chat on. I guess, yeah. You know? Weird. Yeah! Just a little bit. It's, I love the idea of like, obviously this man is very unwell.

It's very clear that this guy is a sociopath at the very least. Hmm. I'm perhaps psychopath at the worst. One, having this idea. Just wild, right? Two, do you mind the work? Like fuck me. I'm like, dude, get a hobby. He has one Like I would love to know did it ever crosses mine like fuck I Booked to Hollywood my imaginary friends that are me like was it going to be like, oh, I just got kovat I can't make it like was it going to be surprised? They don't exist. Well, like, yeah.

Well, I think like I think this is a very clear situation of a situation that got so fucking out of hand for this guy. Like, I don't think he had a plan for this trip. Like, I really don't think I think he would have done something like the bullshit of being like, oh, they couldn't make it. Emergency. Their dad died. Whatever. Like, so horrible shit. But, like, the ability to... Like, he doesn't apologize. Quite the fucking opposite. The move of, you know this isn't a big deal.

Like, the crazy thing is, like, there's two options here. He believes that. He actually believes that this isn't a big deal Which is well, absolutely insanity everybody always fakes is their own two best friends for years Like everybody has fake friends. Everybody's phone has three other accounts on it that they pretend to be someone else Yeah, talk to each other talk to themselves and who are the photos of? Who are the photos of and like are the photos of? And you know they had conversations privately with the girlfriend as well. You know that happened.

And they were like, man, I just love Dave and his big old dick. Dave's just such a big, great dick, right? It's weird that all his friends talked about that. I guess it makes sense now. It does make sense now. But the other option is that he's gaslighting you so hard into trying to convince you that this is weird which any normal fucking person would know that this is weird but like there's no there's no good option here it's

incredibly abusive literally like you could never just be calm there's always an issue it's like yeah you're always getting annoyed that I'm faking being my two other friends and gas you. Let you for years. I lied to you constantly for multiple months. Like, get over it, Claire. And then it's like, I know you were raised in a volatile environment and still have to learn a lot about healthy relationship dynamics. Oh, shit.

Was this healthy, bud? Yeah. Was this healthy? It was creating two complete, absolute made made up people a healthy relationship dynamic? Because I got problems. Like you don't have healthy relationship dynamics because your dynamics are with yourself. Your best friends are you, dude? Like how? Like I just... Somebody said get in touch with yourself. So I made two accounts with myself and I've been in touch with myself for fucking years. And let me tell you, I kick ass.

You've never talked to yourself. I'm so fucking cool. Like they are my best friends because I'm the best. And hey, we were going to see Wicked tonight. That that move. That's fucking great. That's good. Just being like, you know, I was going to take you to Wicked and I bought two extra

tickets on either side of us And you're gonna think oh that was so that we have room and people don't sit next to us No, that's for my best friends idiot My two best friends Glinda and alpha This is Again does what's the question here is the question is this weird am I overreacting? Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about the fact that you're this is this is where tough love is coming in you're being an idiot Yes, you write up. Let's hey. You know what I'm be a little scamp

This is this is a year. I'm gonna be mean to you because I know you You're being dumb. It doesn't how in the world Don't you go talking to this person the whole this whole sort of like am I over? Reacting culture like this culture of am I over reacting? My dad hit my entire family over with a fucking semi truck, and I don't want to speak to him this Christmas Am I over reacting the fuck you talking about this guy did an insane thing Yeah, then a scary you terribly afterwards like what what reaction do you think, other than the one you're currently having, which in my opinion is underreacting.

Still under, yeah, underselling by a lot. Like what other option is there? Is there like, sorry Dave, you're right, like you and your multiple fake accounts are fine. Like how would you ever trust another message ever again? You're right, my volatile upbringing does make it hard for me to trust your two Imaginary completely made-up friends that you lied about for however long we've been dating. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, you're you're under reacting. I wish you were overreacting. You should be like yo, you're a fucking psycho I'm never talking to you again

You know you can talk to when I walk out this door your other fake fucking accounts go date them you fucking freak Yeah, it's it's why it's a wild scary. I don't want to call people idiots, but you're being dumb Yeah, you hey look we're that friend that when you ask us we give you the truth we say oh is should I wear this T-shirt and we go look you got mustard on it. No. Yeah, we're not ask us, we give you the truth. We say, oh, should I wear this t-shirt? And we go, look, you got mustard on it. No, right? Yeah, we're not gonna be the, we're not the like, oh, I'm brutally honest. Those people are assholes.

If you- No, like we're just honest. You're nice, we're kind, we care. We want you to be okay. We're doing it to protect you. Yeah. This isn't us being like- If you've got mustard all over your shirt,

I'm not gonna be like, yeah, it's fine. And then when you turn around, they go like, cause I am a scamp, but I'm not going to be like, yeah, it's fine. And then when you turn around and go like, cause I am a scamp, but I'm not an asshole. Exactly. Right? I've got your back. Dump this motherfucker, block every account he has, which you know, and then be really suspicious

about any messages you get from anyone for the next couple of years. Yeah, a hundred percent. You are underreacting. Burn this relationship, this contact to the ground. This guy is scary. Yeah, now maybe. You get out and go see Wicked with your friends. You are underreacting. Burn this relationship, this contact to the ground. This guy is scary. Yeah. Get out and go see Wicked with your friends.

Make two extra fake accounts and steal his fake friends from him. Damn. Be like, hey look, I don't like that guy. Maybe just hang out with me instead. And then once you've taken his two fake friends away from him, he's got nothing. How funny would it be to block him and then message other friends and be like, hey guys, I'm so sorry, I don't think we can hang out anymore. So that Dave's a freak. I Had a really big fight. Hey guys. I had a really big fight with Dave and I just really need you guys know him the best You're his best friends. I just really love to know what like has he said anything to you?

Yeah, cuz the thing is he's fucked with you for so long. I think you deserve to fuck with him back and just like, different people. Do you think he would or do you think you know, this is fake? I think he, I think he's so deep in the, like, I'm a manipulative mastermind that he probably would be like, Oh, she didn't see what she has. She Oh, I got her. Like, I think he would 100 percent think he's getting away with it. The Alphaba account is just like, Hey, man, Dave's just really struggling with his huge, perfect dick right now.

And it's it's look, sometimes he gets really weird because all the blood when he gets an erection, all it's so big. It's just so big and great. He's really busy right now winning awards for his Dick. So like he's trying and the fact that he has any time to spend with you is really an honor. The world Dick awards is coming up and it's, it's really stressful for him. And I think he's a shoe in, but you know what?

He's worried about the testicle categories, you know? He's really worried about the symmetrical aspect of it. Yeah. So left it down like a couple millimeters. Do you know what that means? That's like a yard in the testicle division. It's a yard of testicle division. Run.

Run. Run. You should be defying gravity away from this man. All right, let's do this one because this is I spent a while trying to find like questions this week. And this one, this one really got me. This is from academic bison. She left me because I got a Kia Soul. Hello everyone. I need advice and suggestions. I've always wanted a neon green Kia Soul. My girlfriend was always against me getting one. But one of my uncle got me a Kia Soul wrapped in neon green, just like how I wanted it.

Now that is my primary car. She would not get in the car with me. She insists on taking her car instead, which she lets me drive, telling me anything is better than a Kia Soul. She also tells me that she feels claustrophobic and wants to vomit looking at the neon green. Last week, we had a fight as I made,

I assume there's words here that aren't words, but I'll read it as close to what it's Last week we had a fight as I made forcefully took her to dinner in my Kia soul later Fucking kidnapped this girl. That's not cool. Dude. This does what it I think he means more like he was forceful about taking the car Yeah, we hope we never know I got my two imaginary friends on Discord to help. Later, she told me she's leaving me. I don't know what to do. Should I give up my Kia?

Or should I give up my soul and save my relationship? Or should I keep the Kia's soul? I would love to know if the dumping was more to you being like aggressive and weird about bringing her to dinner. But like, okay, have you looked at the Kia Soul? I'm doing it right now. It's a weird looking fucking car, let's be fair. Yeah, yeah, just yeah, it's like a weird like boxy beetle.

It's like if someone- Like on the scale of one to Cybertruck, it's about a six. Maybe a seven, you know? It probably doesn't chop your fingers off or go on fire like a Cybertruck, but you know. It's not a looker, and the neon green is a choice. Yeah. I'm assuming it's, this is what I'm looking at right here, like this guy. I don't the neon green is a choice. Yeah, I'm assuming it's this is what I'm looking at right here. Like this guy.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's if you type in neon green, there's a bunch of them come up and they're they're powerful. Very good. Man, like if you have a partner who's going to be so like shallow and materialistic as to just like your car is kind of weird.

And not just a car. It's the car that you've always wanted. Yes. Yes. Like who needs this fucking energy? What are they? 10? And if they are, you shouldn't be dating them. Now, would you drive around in a Kia Soul? I can't drive, dude. I've never driven in my life. What if your partner was like- I'm on a bicycle. Do you think girls are rocking into this relationship?

Pumped that they're dating a man who can't drive was a shitty bike? Not a motorbike, again, a bicycle. A bad, cheap bicycle. I'm sure there are people out there who, if they start dating me and, you know, like pick me up and be like, can't. They'd be like, ew.

I won't. Yeah. If you want to get in the back, it's been a, it's a little muddy. It's going to spray the back of your dress. Like I'm, I'll bet you there were people who would find that a turnoff. I don't even have a bike. Exactly. Cause you're a fucking dusty scrub.

Yeah. I remember I had hooked up with someone and she came to my apartment and I think she was just kind of like, hmm, okay. And then I went to her apartment. Her apartment was like beautiful. Like every inch was like, you know, just your face where 90% of your furniture was stolen from Starbucks. Yeah, a lot of them stolen from Starbucks. And the street signs. We hooked up a few times and when it ended, I'm pretty sure she was just like, it's been fun, but this guy is not my vibe.

I've slummed it with him. I've done my time with the peasants. I think it was fun, but it was pretty clear it wasn't going anywhere, and that's okay. You know what I mean? We were on different streets, going different ways. We had our fun and I don't blame her for it either. You know what I mean? Were I to be like, what a bitch, like she doesn't like that my walls are bare and I've got eight tables crammed into one overly large living room and half of them are stolen from

Starbucks? Yeah, but you've always had a lot of chairs, haven't you? Sure. Yeah, I have, I have. You know, I was a poor, struggling immigrant. I got what I could. And then, you know, honestly, there was like, if we want to get deep, there was a lot of like insecurity

from having lost furniture or not having had accommodation that when I got a place and I got stuff, I found it really hard to let go of any furniture I got. I also wasn't incredibly wealthy. So I was like, if I saw a thing or got a thing, I just kind of hung onto it. So it was like a little like weird, like hoardy thing. Because I had like at one point an apartment with zero furniture and I was sleeping on a wooden floor, you know?

And at another point I had no apartment at all and I was homeless. So like, anyway, that doesn't matter. She was in her right mind to be like, nah, it's fine, that's not for me. But like, even that's better than being like, fuck your car, bro. Yeah, I mean, like, if a girl judged me for not being able to drive or whatever, I'd be like, I don't wanna hang out

with someone who's that shallow. I don't need to drive. If I had a car, it would make my life in Toronto worse. Yeah. You know, it's listen, I want you to chase your bliss. Well, as much as this is about tough love in twenty twenty five, I want people to just be happy as well. So if what makes you happy is getting a neon green Kia Soul, I promise you, you're going to go out there and you're going to find your neon green Kia soul mate and it's gonna be fine

You'll be okay Yeah, like We which one brings you more happiness, right? Like if you're not that jazzed about this car, whatever But it feels like you are and it's like if your partner is gonna be that weird and that like concern to what other people think Why do you want that in your life? And also it stop here where's the book stop not with the key of soul I'll tell you that and let me tell you if you like the key of soul and neon green specifically I'm gonna guess that your choice is in a lot of other

aesthetic areas yeah just just a goofy little guy. And that's fine. And that's fine. In fact, it's great. You gotta find yourself your counterpart, your goofy, or your straight-laced person who needs a little whimsy. You know what's an easier way to chase your bliss? With a key of soul, because it drives quite fast.

If you get rid of that, you're gonna have to run after your bliss. It's gotta be like super energy efficient, right? Like that's gotta be the reason for it. Like that might be. Nothing looks that shit unless it's. There's gotta be a, energy-efficient, right? Like that's gotta be the reason for it. Nothing looks that shit unless it's... There's gotta be a... I used to joke about it, like people, for whatever reason, people in my high school were like very like big on cars. Most of like, some people actually had cars.

Well, I feel like where you came from, you needed cars pretty much to get around, right? Yeah, I mean like... In a way. It wasn't necessary, but like yes, it definitely... but like like once people were able to drive, like everyone got their driver's license as soon as possible and like drove as much as they could whenever they could. So like cars and like talking about what kind of car you were going to get was a big thing. And everyone was always like, I'm going to get a Mustang.

I'm going to get a Camaro. I'm going to get a whatever. And I was always I always told people that like and like with absolute Straight-faced was I really wanted a oh fuck. I can't remember a Pontiac Aztec If you if you're unfamiliar with that, that's the the fucking like weird SUV van thing that yeah It came with a tent in the back. Fuck. Yeah, so I assume only driven by climbers Um, I don't know I assume only driven by climbers. I don't know if it was driven by fucking anybody. But I was like all I thought weirdly looks like a shoe.

Yeah, love it. I you know what I love is like if anyone wants to hear us talk about cars more is when we did our guest spot on gate leapers. Yeah, it was a fast and the Furious episode. And we were pretty good until it came to the one round where you had to name cars. And we were like, oh, God, it was incredible. But yeah, chase your bliss. You know what I mean? Like, fuck this person.

If they're shallow, if they're weird, if they're trying to change you again for no no good reason other than like what other people think. Once you're not a scumbag or committing a crime or whatever, it's just something you like, just you're blessed. Love it. Unless you're driving around with a neon green like swastika mobile, then like I think you're okay. Yes, or you're like drinking and driving

and she's like, I don't wanna get in your Kia Soul. Is that it? Are you drunk every time you get in this car? And she's like, I won't get in there. And you're like, oh, she hates my Kia. Yeah, that's why she's like, like she was talking about the vomit and it wasn't her gonna throw up because of a neon green. It's because you're like, oh, she hates my Kia. Yeah, that's why she's like, like she was talking about the vomit and it wasn't her going to throw up because of a neon green.

It's because you're throwing up because she's so fucking drunk. Yeah. If that's the case, we got a different question. Yeah. That's going to do it for this week, friends. We love you. Thanks for joining us in the year 20, 25. Unless you're listening to this in the future, like a year from now in 2026. Thanks for joining us in that year. And hey, it's great to hear that we made it. Well, maybe they're listening being like, miss those guys.

Well, I just mean like as a collective world, we made it to 2026. It's the last survivor and they're like, what's this podcast? Number 34 in the top 100 dating. Then they're like, shit, dating's extinct because it's just me. It's just me and my Kia Soul, which happened to be nuclear repellent. Thankfully I have two friends on discord who are still kicking. A Kia Soul is like a refrigerator, like in that Indiana Jones movie where he gets in and protects him from the, as long as you're in a Kia Soul, you are 100% safe from nuclear bombs.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is cool. Like they did make us read that part, but it's also true is what they also read. Thanks again for a sponsor. Kia for a... Kia, we love you. Getting your soul today. Eat, pray, love, feed your soul. Your Kia soul, that is.

Room for room. They still make Kia souls. It doesn't matter. Thank you very much for joining us. We hope you have a excellent, uh, new year. We hope you had a safe and happy holiday. It's business time now. It's time to get your shit together

and we're gonna help you. We're gonna help you get all of your shit together. We will hopefully have some live shows coming up. We're very excited. We will let you know about them as soon as we nail down details and dates. We are really looking forward to this year. Yeah. This year is gonna be a good one. We've had our successes, now it's time to make our

revenge. Yeah. Coming for you. No, for real. Thank you to everyone who has supported us. If you would like to support us, please hop onto our Patreon. We got a lot of stuff there. We got our Pillow Talk series, which is like a slightly more unhinged version of our regular episodes. We have our How-To Series. If you want a deep dive into stuff like going out, approaching people at a bar, online dating, breakups. We mentioned breakups earlier. Those are all really good deep dives in, and the way we don't usually do in episodes, we jump around a bit, question to question. So if you need a specific topic handled, either it's there or you can ask us and we'll

handle it for you and on top of that we have a brand new thing which we did where we dive into Christmas movies so we'll be doing some more like media reviews through the lens of like sex and dating with our trademark wit and charm yeah so they're all over there we you know have to pay for hosting and everything so any little helps keep the show going and if you don't want to put Yeah, so they're all over there. We you know have to pay for hosting and everything So any little helps keep this show going and if you don't want to put your money where your ears are You can always just share us you can tell a friend you can you know, we'll take it all we love it So thank you and I want you to lie back. I want to close your eyes

I'm gonna usher you into this new year with some bad sex writing fantastic This is by a there from a book called After the Fireworks. She looked up at him, and Fanning saw in her face a new expression, an expression of mischief and laughing malice and youthful impertinence. Even her breasts, he now noticed with an amused appreciation, even her breasts were impertinent, small, but beneath the pale blue stuff of her dress, pointed, firm, almost comically insistent. No ashamed deflation here.

Does he not know what cloth is? Or boobs. What's that blue stuff? Hey, what are your funny tits doing under this blue stuff? Why won't your tits deflate in shame? Why are they so impertinent? Why are they so comically whatever he said? This man just can't figure out like object impermanence. Like, he's just like, what's going on back there?

What is this? My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Nels Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies.