F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 326 - Dain Needs Help on Uncomfortable Chair

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

Niall has debuts a new segment that will have you wondering what people are actually interested in jerking off to.  Topics include are you being a pussy, doggystyle not looking the way you want it to, being a gentle womanizer and never finding THE ONE.

I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niles Payne, and we're your Fuck Buddies We are a Dating and Sex Advice Podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or sent in by our wonderful listeners, of which you are one, and we answer them right here, right now, every Monday through the medium of podcasting. We do it with a fucking smile on our face. I just realized it is really cold in my bedroom. I have radiators and we usually leave them off in the bedroom is it's really cold in my bedroom. I have a I have radiators And we usually leave them off in the bedroom because it's nice and cool and you get in the when you sleep. It's nice But we're in a cold snap in Toronto right now. So it is actually quite quite chilly in our room

And when I woke up, I was like, I'll turn the radiator on Near where I'm in because the closet was very cold and now I'm like double-sweatered and now I need to take it off. So, okay, we got a little strip tea. I just needed to like give context so that you didn't just hear wiggling in my chair, squeaking and zipping and wiggling in a lot of, uh, well, while we're doing this, I, I got to tell you, I got a new, uh, I knew part of the show. Okay. There's a word for that new segment. There it is.

And I'm wondering, did you like that segment instead of a bad sex writing interspace throughout the show or all at once? I think we're going to do it all at once. Okay. All at once. God, that was tough. After the second question. Sure.

Cool. Well, there we go. I covered your ass. I got my question out of the way. It is bad. I don't have bad sex writing, but that's okay. Whatever. I'll just do it while you're talking. Cause I don't listen anyway. Yeah. Um, Oh fuck. I do have a really good, uh, a really good bad sex writing,

but it's not, it's not here. It's somewhere else. Uh, but this week, what are we going to talk about? Um, I'm going to hit you with what we're going to talk about. I usually go first. Am I a pussy? No. Husband avoiding insecure sex positions. How to become a gentle womanizer. And never finding the one. All right, we'll start here.

This is by similarblackberry7. Am I being a pussy? My girlfriend, 19-year-old female, wants me, 20-year-old male, to hold my glock to her head while we're having sex. But I've been taught gun safety since I was about six years old and I'm not sure how to go about this I don't want to do it But every time she sees it she says you should hold this to my head while you rail me. What do I do?

I love the fact that you Recognize that this is a bad idea One what are you doing with a gun that is constantly out and about? This is the thing, you're like, oh, gun safety is really important to me, but every time she actually walks past my Glock that's just out and about, or is it in a glass case? I take my cup of tea off it, you know? Yeah, like, where is it and what are you doing with it that is so frequently visible?

Yeah. The only way this makes sense is if it is some kind of like glass bulletproof, like armored display case or something on the, uh, on the wall. And even then it's like, yeah, again, it's a Glock. Like if, and again, the other thing is like, it wouldn't be on display unless it's like a fucking like diamond encrusted, fucking ivory handled. Unless it's like a fucking like diamond-encrusted, fucking ivory-handled. But like, yeah, if you're so horny for gun safety, then it should be like locked up in a safe, or in one of those protective, you know, solid cases that like, you can't see through. So, I mean, that aside, whatever you're doing with this Glock, maybe just keep it out of eyesight.

Alternatively, you can get fake guns. If that's something that she's interested in, you can get like the rubber training guns. And maybe that ruins the... Well, that's just him being a pussy. Yeah, he's just copping out. No, like we've shot guns before. And what was the very first thing they say? Yeah, it's not a toy. Don't fall and respect the very first. That's the thing. That's why it's not hot. It's not toy rubber one is a toy.

So you're right, Dan. He should just get that gun. No, they never pointed at anyone ever. It should never cross the line of somebody ever. Like it doesn't matter if it's unloaded. Doesn't matter if you know it's unloaded. No gun is ever unloaded and you should always treat them that way. Yes. And that is, you know, to get serious and talk about gun safety instead of sex and dating

advice here, never point your gun at anybody. Hey, safe sex is important regardless of what category you're talking about. What tool. So put a condom over the tip of the gun. It'll catch the bullet. Then it's safe. Because the thing is, what is sperm but man bullets? Yeah, it's true. It'll then it's safe. It'll catch the bullet. Cause the thing is, what is sperm, but man bullets.

Yeah, it's true. Right? And it catches them. 99% of the time there's also 1% chance that bullet's gonna tear right through that latex condom. That 1% chance of failure is just when you use it on a gun. On a gun. Yeah. 1% of the time it fails every time.

Exactly. Like condoms, 99% effective. Using a gun with a condom, 100% ineffective. You knew the math. Every hundred times someone uses a condom, it's with a gun. It's true. I think this is an important teaching moment because if your wife has, or girlfriend, whoever it was, has this obsession with the gun, there's a chance that at some point in time, they're gonna make a bad decision and just bring it into the bedroom. That's a good point.

It's like, if she knows where it is and can access it... And is also clearly, woefully unaware of the safety measures necessary with a gun. Then like, for all you know, there's going to be a point in time where like, you guys are... And she just reaches under the pillow and she's like, use it on me. And it's like, you know there's going to be a point in time where like you guys are and she just reaches under

The pill and she's like use it on me And it's like you know how she use it on you or she like holds it to her own head while you're you know Yeah, and it's like sure she might fucking take it You know, hopefully you're storing correctly with like no ammunition in it or around it or whatever But like again again is ever unloaded fucking What's his name? The guy from the Crow, pop, pop, pop. Bruce Lee's son.

Kurt Russell. Is that Kurt Russell? Or also look at Rust. Look at fucking, there's an Irish drug dealer years ago who was like showing people how to use a gun. And it was like this, like it was filmed because he was like trying to like show his gang, like, hey, this is what you do. Like we got to fucking up our game. We can't be pussies. It was like this like it was filmed cuz he was like trying to like show his gang like hey

This is what you do. Like we got a fucking up our game. We can't be pussies We need to learn how to use guns and he was like this is how you do it and you unclip it and they held it to his head and like Shot and it fucking shot him in the head because he hadn't like cleared the chamber. Yeah, you know shit happened So don't don't play with guns don't play in the bedroom Never. I'm sure we could find the statistics of how many, like, accidental gun deaths happen. And I'm sure it's a lot. I'm sure it's a large chunk of of the the the percentage of gun

deaths are probably accidental of people fucking around and not handling a gun correctly. So also, like, what is the thing where it's like if you in self-defense, if you use a weapon on someone, it's more likely they'll take it and use it on you. Same with sex and the gun. You try to do that. She goes, reverse it. She's seen John Wick a few too many times. You're done. She puts two in your chest, one in your head. Game over. Then she uses you as a shield for your eight goons coming through the door. Throws one at one of them. Now she rolls along the ground, takes the next one out. She's got like a dog fight with Holly Berry.

It's insane. Yeah, it's wild. So don't just don't just don't use a like there is no safe way to do it. No. So use a replica if you want to. And if you don't want to, you're allowed set boundaries. Yeah. Should they're gun related? Yeah, I think I think if anyone gets upset that you're like, no, I don't want to use a real gun in the bedroom, sorry. Yes.

And look, if the illusion is part of it, if she's not feeling using a fake gun, then add an additional layer of, not disbelief, but use a blindfold. Yeah, use a paintball gun. Use the worst, the least sexy. It's just in the middle. It's like, if you do shoot, it's going to hurt.

It's going to hurt a lot. You're not going to die. I mean, there are, like, I have a bunch of airsoft guns. I mean, I had a bunch of airsoft guns that look real for like film purposes. Film, yeah. So like, if we all know you mean sex purposes. Yeah. Yeah.

If you're in the States, I'm sure it's not that difficult to get a. It actually is really hard. You can only get real guns. Yeah. They go and try to get a fake gun and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get home and you're like, God damn it. Another real one. Where does AR-15 come from?

Yeah. They're like, get him again. The NRA is running down the road like. Yeah. So like you could, if you want to do this safely, you could get like an airsoft gun from. Yeah, I get him again. The NRA is running down the road like, yeah. So like you could if you want to do this safely, you get like an airsoft gun that looks, feels it's heavy, like it's it's all there. We just prop weaponry somewhere, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. So it's just don't use a real gun.

Just don't use a real gun. It's stupid. You're not allowed, actually. And yeah, so just just be smart. You you know, this is a bad idea and Don't let someone like goad you into it by diminishing your masculinity or insulting you the best part of anyone being like Am I a pussy is it's like there's no there's nothing cooler and stronger than setting like setting boundaries and sticking to them The only pussy behavior if we want to use that term, is if you were like, oh fuck, she's demeaning me

and I feel bad, I guess I'll use a gun on her. That's like caving under a threat to your masculinity. That's not where it's at. Yeah. This comes from, we'll do, yeah I guess we'll do this one. I suck at names 91. Husband avoids certain positions that I like because they make him insecure We've been married for six years and are both in our mid 30s

He never used to have issues with insecurity, but likewise I did He has never tried very hard to hide his like for women with bigger butts Which is not something I traditionally had which made me kind of insecure about it I put a lot of effort into working my glutes though and then my metabolism seemed to slow down a couple years, conveniently in a way that my body seems to store fat in all the right places. So now here I am with a butt which he very much likes but he seemed to be avoiding any from behind position which I enjoy. I finally asked him and he said it's because the visual makes him feel small now. It's so frustrating after feeling like I didn't fit his ideal image for so long and now that I do

We can't have sex in the positions that I like because he doesn't feel like he's fitting his own ideal image I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to approach or deal with this Damn, it sucks when you get a booty so big it makes his dick look small. I I get where this guy is coming from but but also I don't like I kind of understand of being like he has porn brain, right? Like he's thinking that like this big ass should also have this giant fucking dick to match, I guess, right? Yes. But you hopefully he wasn't shitty about the the but thing. Like if he just makes like if it's just like a thing, like everyone knows I like a big but right. Like that's not a secret. But at no point in time would I ever like talk to my partner

and be like, your butt's too small. I wish you had a bigger. I think you'd feel very bad if you having said, oh, I like big butts got into someone's head and they were like, oh, fuck, I got to, you know, and they were insecure about it. Like, I think there's a difference between saying a preference at some point or being like, Hey, you need to go and do this or like shaming someone for not fitting your preference or whatever. So the easy fix here is insecurities are often irrational and often like layers and layers of like stupid bullshit that we've dealt with for whatever right like every dude has had penis insecurity and

worried about not being big enough or size insecurities like it just happens it doesn't matter who you are you can reinforce that by just like when he's fucking you say nice things about his dick yeah or if he says oh I feel small be like why your dick is great yeah yeah he says, Oh, I feel small. I'll be like, why? Your dick is great. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or being like, I don't know. Yeah. I'd be like, I don't worry. I can't see it. I'm facing the other way. I think again, this guy's also, I can't see, I can't see your small dick. I'm looking this way.

Yeah. I mean, like it also seems strange that like, I would understand if he now they like, he couldn't perform in those positions because his penis was too small because and the butt was too big pushing them back yeah like I would understand that of just being like oh no like now we can't do this because I I'm not big enough to accomplish these things which again there are also solutions for there are modifications you can make to sex positions to yeah with that. Allow better access, et cetera.

Yeah, so if you're just bummed that it doesn't look the way you think it should, the kind of? Yeah, I feel like you can be like, hey, look, you said this thing the other day, and that made me really sad because one, I love your dick and your dick is awesome, you shouldn't feel that way, but two, it's like I always felt insecure about,

and not in a weaponizing way or adulting way or like try to whatever, be like, you know, it always bummed me out that I didn't have this big ass. I know you like that and now I do. And like, I want you to enjoy that. Now I feel confident and sexy about my big old ass. And on top of that, I like being fucked from behind in these positions. So like it's win, win, win to me. And I think your dick is great. So like, you know, and hopefully that will, it may not immediately solve the

problem, but hopefully at least begin the process because, you know, as Dane said, insecurities aren't rational and it's, it's not just like, you say the right thing once and it goes away. It is really a process of like often years, which the person has to really take part in. But it could be just a throwaway remark that little reassurance will help with, at least to the point of trying or being able to get past it temporarily, at which point, if you have fun, that's going to really take away from the insecurity anyway, you know? Yeah.

And like don't put on an act for him when he's fucking you from behind, but a little... It's gonna be really obvious if you don't usually do it and the first time he touches you, you're like, Whoa, that monster cock! Your dick is huge! What a huge dick you have! Yeah. Is this even legal? Yeah. It's not.

We told you not to use a weapon in bed, it's unsafe! Did you not listen to question one? They talked about safety. This is the one percent. Where does AR-15 come from? So like, don't overdo it. But I think there is something to be said about like, you know, just giving a little extra love. And you know, like the nice thing is, he's communicated it, right? Like he's talked to you about it. Which is hard to do, right?

Especially when it comes to penis size and like penis insecurity, right? Like that's not a thing. He could do what most men we get questions about do and not say this, but then just get increasingly shittier and then turn it on you and say, you know, you suck. You know what I mean? Like instead he was like, hey,

here's a really vulnerable thing about myself. So, you know, fair play. I respect that because it's not easy. Yeah, and thankfully it doesn he was like hey, here's a really vulnerable thing about myself. So, you know fair play I respect that because it's it's not easy Yeah, and thankfully doesn't sound like he's blaming you for anything either like it's not like you put on weight So now my dick but yeah, it's cuz you're huge, but your huge ass is ruining my life So it's fine you just need to listen to him and Maybe have another conversation like NASA just being like I like this. This is really good I like your cock and I cannot lie. Yeah, and if the problem is is visual just turn the lights out. He's a peasy

That's that's a good point. It's easy. I'm not looking I'm looking this way again. I don't think he cares what she's seeing She's looking in the mirror with a ruler like, yeah, it's like, I think he's literally obviously I'm doing the joke. I'm doing the comedy. Oh, the comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Well, we are best education. So I figured we're dick jokes. Yeah. We're just going to do education stuff now. Okay. Could you edit out every time we all where where does AR 15 come from? Well, you know what? This is a really good time to transition to my new segment because it is very, uh, educational. I would say educational. Yeah. Um, it's kind of delivering a level of class that, uh, look, no offense.

I think we kind of lacked up till this point, but now that we've gone legit, um, I am wearing a smoking jacket and I'm smoking a pipe while this is happening I just want everyone to know day. We are on video. I could yeah Okay, Danny's weirdly like he's still in our old kind of era Like he's wearing, you know those shades with the bars across them and he's vaping incessantly But whatever we'll get him before before we get into this and this is I'm breaking this news right now We're before we get into this and this is I'm breaking this news right now Because I haven't talked to my partner about this but I did have a dream about my partner last night where in tears

She confessed to me that she did want to vape and that she wasn't going to stop damn And you woke up crying too. I said tears of joy tears of joy So come on, let's stop talking about vaping. Let's get classy for a second. Right. I'll never stop talking about vaping, but okay. This is called chat. GSBT. Okay. Or it's called subtitles and Dom titles. Okay. I don't know. We'll see. It's a work in progress.

Now the game is this. I have trawled the internet for porn titles, like porn videos, on my Pornhub, and whatever. And I'm gonna read you three, and you're gonna tell me which one I made up. Okay. Right? Yeah. I'm gonna do what you feel free to review

how good they are as well. Are you ready? Yep. Blank comes home from work early and discovers his entire hog. Okay. Starring Blank, superb soap brothel tower, premium act five, rich cream pie sex

Blank stick pussy is thrust without rubber and a large amount of vaginal cumshot is done in her tight vagina There's gonna be three so was that not three that was the second one that whole thing was the second one Jesus Christ I thought there was and no no that was number two and the third one is Kinky Beauty has weird sex with a scarecrow and a corn cob in a corn cob and a corn cob and a corn cob, okay? Oh, can you give me? Let's just go through I was in the wrong headspace. I thought I'd already heard three Can you do the first and second again first one is blank comes home from work early and discovers his entire hog First one is blank comes home from work early and discovers his entire hog The second one is starring blank superb soap brothel tower premium act five rich cream pie sex

Blank stick pussy is thrust without rubber in a large amount of vaginal cum shot is done in her tight vagina damn, okay Yeah, I feel like you're pulling you're pulling a fast one on me Me I would never do that. I'm gonna say the first one because I've never heard hog used in a sexual context outside of like us joking about hogs. You are, you are correct. Yeah. But you know what? We got three rounds, so that's fine. Round one goes to you.

Good job. This is round two. The first two are all in caps. So this is number one. My stepmother lets me spend the night in her room and in her bed because of nature noises. Okay. Number two.

She's, she can't stop squirting on his big old weenie. Also all caps. Okay. And the third one, brother needs help on uncomfortable chair. Man, I'm in an uncomfortable chair right now and I could use some help. I'm going to go with the weenie one. The weenie one. Yeah, failed.

She can't she she she cannot, in fact, stop squirting on his big old weenie. Mine was uncomfortable chair. The uncomfortable chair, okay. And final round, round three. Plumber fixes her pipe and then her wiggly tits. Super cute teenager gets all horny holding tight big cock. Milf undressed and showed her juicy anus to a young lover while her husband is not at home. Ooh. Hmm.

This is tough. I think this is the hardest one so far. Wiggly tits seems suspicious to me. Wiggly tits gives me bad vibes. But, however... Better vibes than tight cock? Yeah. That's the other one that's doing

I Guess it's the adjectives that are really throwing me. Yeah, that's why this is the edge. It's basically the adjective round Yeah, this is the adjective round Can you read the plumber one again for me? Sure. Hold on Plumber fixes her pipe and then her wiggly tits. I'm gonna go with that one. Damn it. Yeah. I knew wiggly was too much.

Yeah. Now the second round is you go through all of them and say which one you would jerk to the most. Uncomfortable chair, for sure. And that was Chet Chispeatee. Cause like they have to be written by AI or something, right? Like some of them are so insane. You know what?

I almost guarantee you they're not. And it's a combination of bad translation and desperate attempts to like- Be different to the last one? Yeah. I think it's like, like so that like search, I think it's like a weird porn SEO thing. But like, I understand the one with like a weird porn SEO thing like I understand the one with like a million words then but I don't understand like she's she's she's yeah I don't know man I got no answers for you hey if I knew how SEO

worked we would have a more popular podcast well apparently SEO doesn't work anymore yeah it's dead now but it it's been alive for a long time. But it doesn't matter if something's been alive for a long time, if it's dead. No, but what I'm saying is, we had a long time with which to use... What I'm saying, I don't look back. I only look forward. Damn. He lives his life a quarter podcast at a time. A quarter SEO at a time. Just...

A quarter keyword at a time. This is by sweatyslide2610. How to become a gentle womanizer. Here's the situation. I'm 18 year old male and do not want to get into love until I'm 26, 30 years old. In the meantime, I want to be close to women as a friend. Of course, I want to be able to sleep with these women whenever possible. It doesn't matter to me if they have boyfriends or husbands or not. I don't plan on breaking their hearts necessarily, but if it happens, it happens.

For the most part, I am alone. But when I am with somebody, I'd rather it be women than other guys at my age. Guys betray quickly, and women do too. But the difference is that women have something I want, and guys do not. Having two to five guy friends I consider brothers is fine, but other than that I just want it to be women that I'm really close with. So then what can I do to become a gentle womanizer? I it's it's been a while since I feel like we've had a question that sucks so hard

that I do want to fight the person who wrote it. Because a lot of the time, there's a lot of times there's a lot of questions that we bring to the show where I'm like, this is fake. This is someone fucking around on the Internet to our benefit, because it's a wild question. This I know for a fact is a dude who has spent, my guess, a considerable amount of money watching videos on how to be an alpha male. But I like this man has no no no no. Dane, Dane, Sigma Sigma.

Sorry, they're a fucking sigma Right like this guy exudes the aura of being like I've spent if not hundreds then thousands of dollars on shitty seminars by shitty men It's just fun to me It's like showing up at a soccer game with like a bunch of tennis rackets and being like we beat the ball with this Right. You just do not understand life. This is not how life works in any way, shape, or form. And it's incredibly heartbreakingly sad, right? Of the way that you view human connection of...

As, again, some kind of fucked up game almost like the idea of being like oh men Don't have anything that I want yeah, right and say I'm okay with two to five people that I consider brothers It's like what why are you casually saying that because I'm lucky enough to say that right like I have a small group of Male friends who I do consider family right found family and a small group of male friends who I do consider family, right? Found family. And they are, yes, you're good. I'm pointing that myself. It's me. Hell yeah. I am. I'm all two to five. I had a lot of man in me.

And that's very, very important to me. And to like, just to have that as like a throw away. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Whatever. Whatever. There's, there's a lack of understanding of life. One, everyone, like you need something from someone and the only thing that is, is I guess sex. Yeah. Because men don't have anything.

Men have nothing. And women, well, they got something. I bet it's not companionship. You know what I mean? But it's also strange because like, yes, he's thinking that. Yes, he's saying that out loud. But then he does say that like, I would be okay with two to five men who would be as close to me as brothers And like what are you you're getting something from that dude?

So you must acknowledge that there is something that man has he's like I'd be okay with it It's like I love it was like I guess I'd accept the thing that like is probably one of the most valuable things in the world Which is having close friends and you know, and a lot of people struggle with that, you know Yeah, and especially more than one, you know I would say one of the most important things for men to have is a strong male friendship like platonic friendship that is a source of affection and validation and love and support like where you don't need to then like do the exact thing that he's saying of being like I require a validation from these women and all I want from these women. It's like you don't need to do that. If you have like sure go fuck whoever you want and go out and be promiscuous like I don't care about that. Like the best chase your bliss. Do it healthy. Yeah. I tell you nothing about this is healthy. Even just like literally every

part of this is written by a fucking alien. I don't want to fall in love till 26. Oh yeah. I love doing that. I love turning off the love button for a decade. Yeah. It's not literally not how it works. You don't just go, Oh, I'm really excited for next year. Oh yeah. What's happening? That's my love year. Oh yeah. Love. I'm flipping the old love switch on that one. Just turning that generator on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But don't worry. It's like, fuck, I've been breaking all these hearts and having no mates for a decade. And also upsetting boyfriends and husbands. Yeah.

Like whatever that women love is finding out that a dude has absolutely no friends and just no friends, no morals, hashtag 2025. Just like fucking, yeah, like domino row of women that he's cheated on and like broken hearts and like- Yeah. He says, I don't wanna break hearts, but if it happens, it happens. If it happens. In the same way a man in an alley says, he's not gonna stab you with a knife.

This man is desperate to break some hearts. He can't wait to be that guy. I think it's worse than that though. I don't think it's, I don't think it's a nest. Like I don't think he, I think he literally means like, oh, if it happens, it happens. I think it's so removed from empathy and humanity and, and like actual compassion that I don't think I literally do think it's, it's something as simple as like, ah, if I drop my napkin on the, on the ground, as I'm eating a hot dog outside,

like, that's fine, like, I'm not gonna go chase it and put it in the garbage. Like, it just, it'll blow away. Like, I think he's so far removed from, like, human experience and human connection that, like, it really doesn't matter to him if he hurts someone. Mm-hmm. So how does he become a gentle womanizer? He hurt someone mm-hmm. So how does he become a gentle womanizer? I? Think there is a world in which this stupid term exists in the sense of I think it is very possible to be a

promiscuous and you know a Sexual person who moves from partner to partner without being shitty I would like to think that I did that for a while in my single years. This is so far removed from the reality of this person. Yeah, so let's talk about, I think let's talk about like what that looks like in a healthy way. I think that is useful, right? Step one, you need to respect women.

You need to look at women as a complete human being. Yeah. And not like if your intention and if you look at a woman and you say the only thing she has to offer me, which is the thing that every man cannot offer me is sex, then you're wrong. You're looking at the entire world and you're saying half the world doesn't matter to me in any way shape or form and the other half matters to me because I can put my dick in them. Yeah the only reason they are essential to my like worldview is because they have a fuckable place. Yeah like what is gentle

about being you're a hole to me. Yeah. I would say nothing. Nothing. So one, that's shit. And two, that's going to work against you. And three, it ain't gentle. So you're already failing. So step one, you need to be respectful and you need to literally think of women as people, which every time I say this out loud, it hurts me that I ever have to fucking say it. You keep making me say it. Yeah. You keep making me fucking say it. So that's step one. Step two, you need to not be desperate, miserable and weird.

And I don't think you get to do those things if you don't have friends. Yes. You know what I mean? Because you're not going to be chill because you're going to need women for everything, whether you admit it or not. When someone gives you attention, you're going to be like, Oh shit, I finally have it. And you're going to equate that with women and like something they owe you as well as sex instead of being a fulfilled, well-rounded human who has people that they don't require

to just have a hole for you. It's also going to massively affect your self-esteem, right? Like it's something I dealt with when I was young. I've talked about it a bunch of being like, you end up requiring validation from people. And all of a sudden, if the only thing that you value is sex, then the only thing that's going to add value to you is sex. And then you're going to like, you're, you're going to like, again, stop seeing women. So it's like, you've done all this work.

You've, you've worked very, very hard to start viewing women as people, as, you know, living breathing person. And then all of a sudden you undo all of that work because the only thing that adds value to your life in your mind is having sex. So now all of a sudden you've smashed all that progress you made because women are now just again, validation machines in which you need to fuel your self-esteem. So you fucked yourself again. Also that need one, you're going to be incapable of being chill, right?

Because you need it. You're human. We're like social creatures. You're going to need it. And when you don't have it, you're going to feel like shit. And when you get a chance to do it, whether it be in a bad situation with somebody you're not that into, et cetera, et cetera, you're going to take that chance because you need it and it's the only way you can get it. And then you're going to be making bad

decisions, furthering that misery, being disrespectful and shitty to people. And it's a cycle and it's awful. And we see this all the fucking time. And then I think another- So get some fucking friends. Yeah. And I think another step that you need to do is like, you need to figure out what your moral code is, right? Like you need to have some sort of- Clearly zero.

That's what I mean. Because moral code is I actually don't give a shit about anybody. Like you need to recognize that like, your mission statement, if you want to be like, I want to fuck as many people as I possibly can, that I don't care about that, right?

No. That's fine. You have as much sex as you want to have. But you need to have the qualifications of being like, I won't actively attempt to ruin someone's life or marriage or relationship. If they're in a relationship, I'm not interested. That should be a fucking baseline. Second, if I should be actively doing everything I can in my power

to not break someone's heart, right? Yeah, it shouldn't be a toss away like oh if it happens it happens It happens it happens, who the fuck cares? You should be doing everything you can as a promiscuous person or as someone who is dating a lot of people or having sex with a lot of people you should be trying your like damn dis to not hurt anyone and if you're not then fuck off Yeah And you should be doing it for a number of reasons.

One, just because you should be a good person and you should care about people. And it's kind of like part and parcel of the respect and treating people like humans thing we talked about earlier. If you can't bring yourself to give a fuck about them, you failed. Right. But two, like people are going to then like people know each other. It's a small world. Somebody will be like, oh, that guy, giant piece of shit it'll get around so like you're shooting yourself in the foot even just from a like if you take you know morals

and propriety out of it and like at the end of the day also do you want to have good sex or do you just want to have sex because there's a very big difference it's not difficult to have sex it's a little bit more difficult to have good sex. One, nine times out of ten, your first time could be fun. I'm not saying it's impossible to not have a good time or not have a good sex. Fun and good sex, different things, you know? But a recurring partner, and again, I'm not advocating for monogamy here. I'm just saying that like having sex with one person one time and then never talking to them again and ghosting them

sucks not just for them because you're a piece of shit, but it sucks for you too because like you're missing out on the opportunity to actually have really great chemistry really great sex and There's a time and a place you can have very fun one night stand Sure, but like even if it's really good imagine if that could develop Yeah, you know what I mean? And again, it doesn't mean a relationship develops. You could literally, I, I, I, Nile and I have both had multiple very successful strictly sexual relationships.

Yeah. That were excellent. And the reason why they were possible and excellent are because they were good for everyone involved and not just sexually, right? Because if you're having good sex and the person makes you feel like shit or is like a slog to get through, it's not going to sustain sex unless you're, you know, you've really low self-esteem or you're just like in a bad place or you're, you know, if you're a healthy, well-adjusted person,

you're not going to put up with someone who sucks just for good sex. Well, I mean, I guess, I guess your qualifiers do make that a true statement. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And it might be a hard truth to hear. And again, we've been there. You know, we've all made sure. 100%. Also, this is the tough love here.

If you need it, that's a hard pill to swallow. We're here for you. We're ready to help you. But you don't need to put up with a bad person to have good sex. You're just telling yourself that. Right? So it's like make- And if you are, then reevaluate.

Yeah. That's the thing. Is it that you're going to put up with them because you feel like there's something lacking in you or you're too lazy or scared to move on or whatever? Or is it that they're the only people willing to put up with you? Yeah. I don't know. You need to do some self-reflection, but it's not that hard to have good sex with people that aren't shit.

Yeah, so like there is there is so much wrong with this question. There's so much wrong with this rhetoric and idea that we could spend the next year. We could do a full year deep diving into this thing. On to why this is bad, but to answer your questions, you shouldn't do anything until you've had a lot of therapy and maybe like gone into your recalibration chamber that is in your spaceship and sort of like do maybe download some more knowledge into how the human brain works because you're doing a bad job.

Oh, there is some additional information here. It says he's made by Tesla. Oh, that makes sense. It's the first grok human being. Yeah. Oh wait, no, sorry, he works at Tesla. It's just Elon Musk. What?

I mean, it does make sense, like the idea of being like, I need to have sex, I need to make as many kids as possible to hate me. I need more like me. Yeah, I don't think he cares Anyway, let's he cares so much about everything but just as so like no, I'm cool. I don't cry myself to sleep every night This is from no tennis two one five three. I'm worried. I never find the one. Basically what the title says, 27. I've had a few serious relationships the longest being five years in my early 20s. I feel like with the holidays, I've seen so many of my friends get engaged

and why I'm so happy for them. Can't feel what I'm left behind. Not sure what exactly I'm doing wrong when it comes to dating. I think I'm conventionally attractive, have a great career, et cetera. I think I'm fun to be around, have a likable personality, but maybe I'm wrong. I just feel like the ones I wish would commit to me aren't interested,

and the ones who want to commit to me seem too eager, too early, on which feels like a red flag. Anyone else here have similar feelings or been going through the same? Maybe I'm overreacting, but it feels like I'm nowhere near finding someone, and I thought I'd be further along in my romantic life by now. Curious to hear thoughts and advice. I Think my first piece of advice is to like step away from these Timelines that you've set yourself that have no bearing on real life You can't again much like saying I won't love for nine years. You can't be like, oh, I will be married by 27

Yeah, because that's not how it works. Especially like, like you could do that. I think it would be very bad. Like I think you could, you know, you could square the, or smash the square peg in the round hole. But like you- You should be married when you find the right person to marry. Yeah. And if you have a timeline, you're going to make like allowances you shouldn't to, again,

as Dane said, slam something into a space it doesn't fit. And like you also say like, oh, I find guys who are too eager to like move forward and that is a red flag. And yes, it is. Like not taking time to develop a relationship correctly is a huge red flag because it seems like as Nal just said like you're racing to a goal without sort of hitting the checkpoints along the way. It's kind of like if you're running a marathon and you know like it's down a winding hill and you're racing to a goal without sort of hitting the checkpoints along the way. It's kind of like if you're running a marathon and you know, like it's down a winding hill and you're just like, instead of going through the checkpoints, leather, as you're just fucking barreling down the hill and just like hitting rocks and weeds. That sounds fucking cool, though. It's not when you've broken every bone in your body and when you do you do finish first, you hit the finish line before everyone else.

Oh, that's that's still pretty cool dude like but you've cheated and it doesn't count oh okay and you get disqualified after three months like yeah no you made it sound too cool you got to redo we got to take that back to the analogy lab because it's not cool it's so sad you don't think so eating shit down a hill and then like be like, I want a lot of flips. But like your dad, the coolest, they've broken all their bones. And and it's like someone being someone being like, I did it. I won. I'm the best.

But like, they're not like, you know, they cheated and everyone would solve it. That's sad. Yeah. And the thing is, I think you need to and easier said than done. Step away from this timeline, step away from looking at other people's shit and comparing it to yourself, and that way hopefully you'll be able to date properly, you know what I mean?

With some, not an intention necessarily, but you can be chill. You won't have that in the back of your mind being like, shit, is this the one? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, because I feel like people can sense that, and it'll make you probably do what you're creeped out by guys doing by trying to move too fast

with people you do like, you know? Well, you really need to just let things develop the way they're gonna develop, I think. I think the crux of the question, I think the secret here is the line, I'm fun to be around and have a likable personality, but maybe I'm wrong, right? I think that there encapsulates what might be the problem in the sense of like,

you have this confidence and you have this, like you think you have it all together, but underneath there's just like roiling sea of insecurity of being like, maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe, maybe, you know, the people I want don't want me and maybe I have this personality that I think everyone likes, but like maybe I'm not. It's tough love year. Maybe they are wrong. Maybe you are wrong.

And the thing is, I think not a lot of people do the work to self-reflect, but like, I would look at what you're doing in terms of like, do you have many friends? Do you have many close friends? If you don't, why is that? If you do, maybe talk to them and be like, hey, I'm feeling pretty glum lately. Like I feel like X and Y and Z didn't work out

like and just talk to them. And maybe like it's really hard as a friend to be like, well, you do suck. But like you do suck a lot of shit. You know, if you come to someone and ask, maybe they'll, they'll tell you something. It might be like a, Hey, maybe you come to someone and ask maybe they'll they'll tell you something it might be like a hey Maybe you need to like dial it back a bit and like you know because I've had chats with friends being like look You are being like a lot like you really want to always skip straight to like the dating phase I'm like you're very much like oh, we're gonna start dating immediately We're gonna go on a trip and it's like maybe calming the Jets on that a little bit won't make people run away, especially when you admit in this question that you find it worrying when guys do that to you. So maybe it's something like that,

but like by all means take the time to do that deep dive and make sure that you are the best version of yourself and someone you're happy with. And if that is the case, whatever, like it's a good thing if people who don't like that or aren't aligned with that don't date you, you know what I mean? And I think we gotta reframe like failures in dating as that way more often because like if what you're doing isn't a good fit for them, it's better that they tell you

then you start dating and you do get married and then you fulfill your dream of getting married at 27 but then the hidden reality of getting divorced at 28 pops up. And there's also something to be said about like doing the same thing over and over again. If you keep meeting the same guys and those same guys don't want to commit to you because... It's going the same way. Then perhaps you need to either listen to what people are telling you. Like if a dude is being like, hey, I'm just looking for something casual.

And then, you know, two months in and you're like, why isn't he dating me? It's like, well, he told you, you know that. And just because he's attractive and you get along well, maybe the sex is good. Like you can't expect that just because you're invested in it and just because you want something that you will be able to change them. So listen to what people are telling you. And if if they're like, yeah, I'm not really looking to date right now Take that for take them at their word. Believe them. Yeah, and by all means keep dating them, you know, take it slow Whatever because that's the Nile and I both got into relationships with people being like

We're not looking to date and then you just end up like falling in love with them and taking slow and then just being like, oh, actually I've changed my mind. You kick ass and I do want to be with you. Yeah, because in the situation I was like, I'm like out of a relationship that was awful and I'm not ready right now. It wasn't a, I don't want to date you.

Yeah. It was a right now I'm not in that space. And they were like, yeah, me too. And it was cool. And we got to develop alongside each other and you know, it was wonderful. And I think a lot of people, and we've seen questions where it's like, oh, if they say they don't want to date right now, that means they don't want to date you. And it's like, sure, that could be the case. But if you're having fun with someone and you're having good sex and you're, you know, still looking, you're not losing out on anything

and you never know what things might get to. Right? And that's the important thing is the fact that if someone tells you that, then be like, great, we are not exclusive, we're not dating. I'm going to keep looking. And if you start finding someone who's giving you the same energy and investing you in the same way that you want to be invested in, then slowly break off with that person.

But don't latch on to one person. I know a lot of people have a hard time sleeping with multiple people, and that's fine. If that's something that you have a difficult time doing then. But at that point in time, that's when you have to make the decision of being like, if someone tells you, hey, I'm not looking to date, then don't be like, well, I'm going to latch on to this guy until like I run it into the ground and then I get upset and then I get insecure. And then I get blah, blah, blah. Like it makes no sense. Yeah. I do think there's something to be said about like,

I think people should consider having, again, if you meet someone and you get on with them and it's good sex, if you have that while you're looking to date and everyone's happy, it's great. Because then you, you're being fulfilled in a way that you're able to like Focus on people pickier instead of like fuck. It's been eight months. I haven't slept with anybody This guy's kind of shitty, but whatever you know I mean if you have this good person you enjoy spending time with you have good sex even if you're not gonna like date them Why would you then stoop low for fucking Benny the sweat pit at fucking

you know, Burger Joe's? You're not going to do that. I've had people break up with me. And I use that in the sense of like they they no longer want to see me and things being like, oh, the sex is too good and it's too hard to like. Like, I'll never find like a partner. Humble brag time is that I'm just like, you did. Yeah. I'm just like, this makes no sense. Like surely you would want, like, so you want your,

your goal here is to lower your standards, be unsatisfied so that when the next slub that comes in and gives you your attention, you're like, Oh, this is good enough. Forget the fact that I was, I was happy and satisfied and having a good time with this other guy who was more than happy to allow me to keep dating and find someone. It's like, no, my standards are too high right now, so I really have to stop seeing you so that- Gotta lower them.

So I gotta, yeah, I gotta knock myself down big so that I will be more willing to accept mediocrity. I'm like, what are you doing? Well, I will say the caveat with this is like, you have to be honest with yourself and if you're not the kind of person that can do this, either work on it or don't do it. But like, if you're secretly pining and hoping

that the person that you agreed to not date will date you and you're kind of like doing it dishonestly and then that's affecting your dating. Like, yes, there are situations like that where you shouldn't do this. There are a lot of situations where you shouldn't do this. There are a lot of situations where you shouldn't, but if you can do it honestly and healthily, fuck yeah. Yeah. There's another thing I want to talk about is the concept of the one. Yes, that was also something.

Does not exist. Doesn't exist. Tough love year, the one is not a thing. You may find someone that you fall in love with and are with forever. That could happen, but a much more realistic situation. Hypothetically, in that case, they are the one, but that doesn't mean, like, I think there's the many, and that's so good. There are so many people out there that you would have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with, be it sexual, brief, long-term, forever, whatever.

There are so many people out there and I've met numerous people I know I could have an incredible long-term relationship with or sexual. There are so many wonderful people out there. You don't have to worry about there being one person and like, oh shit, are you going to miss them? Was it them? Did they leave? You're fine.

You can take a breath and know that there's an abundance of people out there who fucking rock. There are too many people in this world. Quite literally. You're fine. You're good. And the idea of saying that there's one person, because what you've done there is you've then discounted anyone who came before or after, which I think is incredibly unfair. I think we've talked about it on the show and I really do think it's important to understand that like your exes are a part of you and there's always gonna be exes that are really shit and I have no problem cutting those people out like fucking cancer. But I think the relationships that just kind of end and the relationships that just kind of like fall apart or whatever those added value to your life and

They were a part of your life that shaped you and I don't think we shouldn't like hide from it's done now If you're not taking the positives from that and moving forward you're doing yourself and them a disservice Yeah, and even if you don't like them anymore It doesn't matter there were good times times and you're kind of poisoning the well by just being like, no, it was all shit. Those three years, awful. Yeah, but again, if you're awful, you still gotta take that forward

and make sure it doesn't happen again. And if you, at some point in time, deemed that person the one, being like, oh, this is the one, then you're done. Is that your idea that they were the one and now you guys have broken up and are you just fucked for the rest of your life? It's like, no.

And people think that all the time. You might find the other one, the next one. Neo is still out there. Neo is still out there. You just need to jack into the matrix, get reprogrammed. Jack off. You're okay. I know this is tough love year,

but I think we do need to be kind at some point. And just say- We're loving you and we're fucking tough as hell. You're fine. You're okay. I know this is tough love year, but I think we do need to be kind at some point and just loving you And we're fucking tough as hell. You're fine. You're okay. It's in the chilly closet right now. What could be more tough than that? It's getting quite warm in here now jeans in the hot-ass closet right now You know what the toughness it takes to get through that? Yeah, regardless of early today. That's tough as fuck I woke up at 11 a.m. Today The crack of dawn, you know early that is for me. I did I woke up at 11 a.m. today. The crack of dawn. Do you know early that is for me? I did go to bed at like 6 a.m. so. That's okay. Why? There's a whole thing. You good? No yeah it's just schedule changes. Like my partner's schedule has changed and

shifted later so now in my brain I've shifted later because they would usually go to bed very early and then I'd be like, Oh, I have X amount of like dainty nighttime hours. And then like, when they go to bed, I think it's a lot earlier than it is. And then that's fair. That's fair. And then then I sleep in until 2pm like I did yesterday and then I'm not tired. And then it's, you know, Dane does work in bars. So this isn't as unhealthy as it sounds. Yeah, 100%. Like, 2 a.m. is my normal nighttime. Like 2 a.m. is sort of like... There's people out there, all our questions are gonna be like, you good? You okay?

It's always funny to me in like movies and stuff where people are like, it's late. And then you like see a clock and it's like 1030. But like normal people do, like it's crazy to me talking to people. I mean like, Oh my God, I got to bed at like 11 last night. And I'm like, ha ha ha. And they're like, what? And I'm like, I've never been to bed at all. Yeah. I think like anytime I've been to bed, even the closest to that is because like, I'm so ill, like I'm dying. Like I'm actually dying.

The, the brief period of time where, uh, like the day I had to take my cat to the hospital, it was so emotionally draining. And I was up at like eight as well, which knowing my life, you know how early that is. And it was just like, I was crying like all day and it was just like, it was a lot. I think that day I was in bed by 11.30 and like 10 minutes later. And I was like, it was a lot. I think that day I was in bed by 1130 and like 10 minutes later.

And I was like, it was the earliest I've ever gone to bed in my adult life, I think. Except for days where we have like a fucking 4 a.m. flight or something. But even then I don't think I'm sleeping. I've tried to go to bed early. We should end this. Yeah, we're just talking about our sleep schedules.

Yeah, well we love you guys. We love you very much. Uh, if you, if you find weird porn titles out in the wild, you can send to me, don't send me the video. Yeah. I'm not going to open up a random porn video someone sends me, but, uh, you can copy paste the title if you want. Um, we love you. Uh, if you do want Tinder's reviewed, we'll still do them. So send them in. Um, and we just, it's been a blast. Go find us on Patreon,

give us a little support over there if you would like, and that's going to be a good year. On top of that, I will say if you are a person who has a event and you were thinking about hiring us to perform at it, we have done multiple live shows. We've worked conventions. We've done shows at conventions. We did our show at Camp Halcyon last year, and it was really good. We are willing to do other shows. If you know somebody, if you yourself are interested, feel free to reach out because

we're down the branch. 100%. We are happy to tailor things as well. We'll go by Friends with benefits for your corporate safety We're not we're not like assholes. We're willing to work. You know, I mean we'll do a we won't swear for an entire thing We'll do just a dating. We'll try But yeah, we appreciate you guys any following on any social media liking repostingosting, sending to a friend, it all helps. And it's all wonderful.

Ready for some bad sex writing again? Yeah. After I thank Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for their song Paper Stars. Okay. Thank you. This is a BBC news report. Actually, maybe it's not the BBC. It looks like the whatever.

It's a news report. Scientists thought snakes didn't have clitorises. They were wrong. Damn. scientists thought snakes didn't have clitorises they were wrong damn that sounds like the tagline to the worst horror movie ever serpent tornado five teeth four you know the movie teeths? I do yeah that's why I'm sad and it's just snake vaginas just filled with fangs

we've been your fuck buddies thank you very much I'm mousepane and I'm mousepangs. We've been your fuck buddies. Thank you And I'm not saying and we've been your fuck buddies You