F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 328 - Hey Man, Nice Weiner!

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

I'm looking back over the show notes and I've just got to say I'm really pissed that I didn't say Upsetti Forgetti for the first question which confuses even me because it doesn't mean anything.  Topics include an upsetting way to be remembered, pre-move in question checklist, desire cannot be described, first date impatience.

I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is day Miller and I'm now Spain and we're your fuck buddies We are sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put we answer I was just dancing You can't see I was trying to inject more movement because when I put up videos right it's not very fun Okay, so you're talking to this little I'll be like a way. Yeah, you got to keep doing that simply put We're sex and dating advice podcast where we take your questions and we answer them and we find them either online

They're from the listeners to send them in and we love you. There we go. That's perfect. Yeah Although I don't think this is the part of the show that we put on. No, it's not but I was practicing. Oh Well, we did well this week. We're gonna be talking about is it better to upset women than to be forgettable Moving questions how to get them to come in girlfriend says female desire gets frustrated when made explicit I'm excited for that one and getting impatient during the talking stage. Hmm Should we jump right in? Let's fucking do it. Don't give us any time to complain. Yeah, that's true Well, what can we possibly complain about in this nightmare world that gets worse? Yes. Okay This is by day game code

Better to upset women than be forgettable if you put a filter on you'll end up being forgettable It's better to offend them and be remembered than to play it safe and be forgotten This is not an excuse to be deliberately rude, insulting. That's missing the point. You still need to show people a bit of respect. But playing it too nice or filtering yourself to avoid risk of... Just a small amount of respect. Just a little. Just a small, just a little bit. Playing it too nice or filtering yourself to avoid any risk of offending someone dilutes your personality and makes you blend in with the countless

others who are too afraid to stand out, making you forgettable. Simply can't attract girls this way even if you say nothing that could potentially upset them. You know what the worst type of conversation is talking to a woman and yet the most commonly used? Nice weather huh? Do you come here often? What do you do for work?

Any plans this weekend? Can I get your number? This type of generic small talk goes nowhere yet it's the most commonly used approach. Conversations about the weather, work, weekend, et cetera, might feel safe, but they fail to create any emotional spark or deeper connection. Why? They're forgettable.

A woman doesn't walk away thinking, wow, he's different. What works better is focusing on emotions, curiosity, playful flirting. This goes on for ages, but if you, it ends with, if you have to choose between leaving a girl indifferent and getting her upset, it's better to leave her upset and then a bunch of other shit. I mean, that's the point I wanted to nail down. Yeah, because like I was going to say, it's like the idea of being like, if your conversation

is just how's the weather? Yeah, it sucks. You're doing a bad job. But the the opposite, like the the sort of like solution to that isn't upsetting and being an asshole. That's like, that's it. I love that it is arguably okay advice almost. Yeah. It's like they they're like, hey, this is bad. And then the good advice is here. And they're like, so this is that we'll go all the way here.

And you're like, no, that's not it. That's not it at all. So when you're having a conversation, it's not boring or offensive. Those aren't your two speeds. Yeah, that's it. It's not a binary of like absolutely ho hum, not saying anything of importance and being obnoxious. Like those are the thing. It's like if your personality is like either I squash it down and I get real boring

or it's slur city, maybe then there's a problem. There's a real big problem here. And I would also say in that case, it is far better to be boring than it is for a woman to be like, Hey, have you met racist Steve? He keeps coming up to the bus stop and yelling slurs at passing cars. And then he's like, nice. And walks away.

Like, yeah, that guy's weird right yeah he came over and asked me how the weather was and then proceeded to pretend a motorboat me for 30 seconds so I don't really know what's going on with him yeah the good thing about the person that talked to her right beforehand who was forgettable is she's not shit talking him to her friends who also now are gonna run when you come That's the thing. I mean I I grew up with Almost exclusively girlfriends like I didn't have a whole lot of like male friends Until sort of like my mid-20s around the time I met you

So yeah, hell yes flex on we did it Did I infiltrate them boys And I will tell you that- Bringing them back to the manosphere. That like- Made them do a podcast. Yeah, you really got me, man. That women, when they're talking about dudes, it's usually shit talking the dumb ones, right? Yeah.

There's not a whole lot of opportunity or like a lot of times where I can recall conversations in which my female friends were like, oh yeah, he was really nice. What a nice conversation I had with him. It was always like this asshole did this stupid fucking thing. And then us making fun of that person for. And how often was it then? Oh, and then I dated him for two years or then I slept with him. I would imagine rare. there was one that was always one. Yeah, sure. I mean, I mean, my friend.

OK, still rarely. It is. Yeah, no, it's like an offensive friend. But I'm going to imagine you probably don't want to get with this person if that's their M.O. Right. Like, I'm sure there was a level of instability and chaos there. Well, it was also like, like, yes. Did we remember that person who came up and was it was a dick? Absolutely.

Did we remember them as like ass breath or do we remember them as you know what I mean? Like that's if that's how you want to be remembered. If you think that's a win, if you think that is you're in, then you're going to have a bad time, right? Like you're just not going to enjoy the dating world. If you think that the best thing to do is like, oh, she wasn't interested in me. So she's not going to think about me is the worst possible option. And the better option of that is, oh, her and all of her friends call me something derogatory.

And I am a judge and will for years. Like I'm always going to be the butt of the joke as like oh that grimy boy That's that's you now Yeah, like that is the worst case in my opinion His opinion if they think about it yes, I would rather be forgotten by people who aren't interested in me then made fun of Ever and be the butt of a joke. Also, I know for a fact, most women would much rather have a boring and like non eventful conversation with a strange man than be put in a position where they're either offended, scared or upset.

Like if a guy just talked to them and they felt unthreatened and it was forgettable, that's actually quite a nice moment for them because they don't have that many of those. Yeah, but I mean, as opposed to, again, you're just another stick on the ship pile. I don't know why there's sticks in the ship pile. Whatever. Don't come at me. You can extrapolate that to anyone. No one wants to have an upsetting experience, you know what I mean? Like, if I was on a bus and a guy came over to me and just was like, Bet you got a real nice wiener.

I wouldn't be like, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Well, maybe. Maybe. That'd be kinda nice to hear. Thanks, man. I guess it depends on how he says it. And what he's doing while he says it. Like, he's sharpening a knife.

Hey. Hey, dude. I bet you got a real nice wiener. Hey, man. I just wanted to come over here and tell you. I don't do this often. But I really just had to come over here and say- No, that ruined dude, I bet you got a real nice wiener. Hey, man, I just wanted to come over here and tell you, I don't do this often, but I really just had to come over here and say- No, that ruined it, actually. I think he does do it often if he says that. Yeah, he definitely does it. I don't feel special.

Yeah, I just gotta say, man, nice wiener. Hey, man, you got a real nice wiener. You got nice wiener energy. N-W-E. Yeah, it's not it, guys. No, I think let's let's take the grains of truth. The gold from the ship pile. You reach your hand past the sticks. Yeah.

Grab the gold, pull it out and you look at it and you go. Yes. If you're too worried at I don't even know if offending them is the word to use because, like, again, you should be worried about offending people. Yes. But if you're worried about turning them on you or being a loser or not being cool or whatever, i.e. if you're too scared to say that you have two podcasts or you write fantasy stories or you play D&D every Monday or you don't know what they're talking about or the thing she's into you haven't heard of. Like if that's what you're worried about, like not being seen as cool or whatever and you're going to lie or you're going

to omit parts of your personality to try to fit this fictionalized version of what they want to hear. Yeah, that's bad. Whereas if you rock up to someone, you're like, Hey, you're chatting and you mention something and they don't think it's cool. And they're like, Ooh, this guy's a loser. That's good because one you've stayed true to you and two, you weeded them out because they suck. Yeah.

And they, on the good side, they suck for you. If it's something weird and you guys just don't vibe. If it's not, they just suck. And either way, you don't want to be with this person. And a part of me wonders, like, are we talking, is his like definition of upsetting? Because like, I think we both knee jerked to like racist or, you know, misogynistic or whatever. But like, and I guess this is also misogynistic. But like, is your idea of like upsetting? Are you talking about negging? Are you talking about being like, upset or by saying her, you know, shoes are dumb or like that you don't like her hair? Like, is that your play? Because like that also sucks and also is. And I hate to say it, but I had like

nagging does work like I've seen it worked. You know, I mean, like I I watch it happen at my bar occasionally. But most of the time, nine times out of 10, I think most people like see that shit a mile away and are like, what are you doing? Like, fuck off. And I think I think what people like think negging is or what negging evolved from is like banter. Yes, very often.

There's like a playful put down and putting down teasing, blah, blah, blah. And that's fine. And I feel like the pickup artist community have taken that and like, miss the point. Yeah. And then they're like, offend community have taken that and like miss the point. Yeah. And then they're like, offend them, piss them off, be a dick. And it's like, and even with this, it's like, I know you're, I know we did jump to worst case scenario hyperbolically, but one, it's an entertainment podcast. And two, he did specifically say offend multiple times. And like offending is is is that like it is being like offensive.

It is being bad. It's not just being boring or being a loser or being uncool. Like those aren't things where you offend somebody. Defending them is like being a dick. So I really like someone by saying they like their hair sucks or like they have a bad haircut. I think that. But that's being a dick. Oh, yeah. 100 percent. Yeah. No, I'm not defending that.

I'm just saying like like I'm worried that people will take us way too literally. By us only talking about the worst possible thing, we're not also addressing like, it's just as offensive to be like, hey, you know, walk up to someone and just be like, you could, you would look hot if you lost a little weight or something, you know what I mean?

Like the thing that people think is nagging. Well, I will say they do also say at the very end, attraction, like remember, attraction thrives on tension, not comfort. And I don't think that's it. I think if a woman feels comfortable with you, boom, you're in there. If a woman feels on edge or like uncomfortable,

that's not good. Now, of course, there's sexual tension. That's what I was gonna say the same thing where it's like, I think it's the other way around. I think attraction can make tension, but I don't think tension makes attraction, if that makes sense. And I also don't think the tension they're talking about is sexual tension. Yeah. Again, because they keep saying offended and...

Yeah, they seem to think that like, oh, I've watched every like enemy to lover. Yes, they've only ever read that. Yeah. And it's like, well, great. But like that isn't reality. And he does have another line after that where it's like, if you guys aren't both fighting for the same promotion, yeah, there's no way it's going to work out.

Yeah. Does your dad own a giant mega corporation? That's about to buy out the small bakery that she works for exactly. Yeah Yeah, 100% So I would say like I think a lot of the time if not every time I've been successful with women Has been because they're very comfortable with me. It's not because I've offended them It's not because I'm edgy and upset them. It's literally because they're like, oh cool. Like I can let my guard down. I'm safe. I'm comfortable. We can have fun.

Yeah, because I trust this guy like I'm he's chill. He's treating me like a person and like we're having fun. It's not a game. It's not a combat. It's not a whatever will we banter for sure? But like that itself also comes from comfort because I'm not going to say something to someone that might be taken the wrong way. And I'm not doing that out of fear. I'm doing that out of politeness. If I'm going to rag on someone, it's going to be from a point where they know I'm joking and they know me and they feel comfortable so then they can return fire safe in the knowledge

that they're not being attacked and they're not attacking me and it's fun. Yeah, there was a very sweet young lady that started working at my bar a while back and her name was Niall. And we like teased her a lot and there was one day where she was like really upset and was like, I don't understand like what I've done to make you guys not like me. And we were just like, oh, no, no, no. Like, we're sorry, one, that this is like maybe gone too far, but like, we're doing this because we like you.

And we were like, just notice that there are people we don't do this to. That's when you're worried. When I'm very cordial and very like, just sort of like matter of fact with you, it's probably because I either don't vibe with you or I don't like you. Like those are the two things. And I'm not saying that like that necessarily is always the case, but I'm like,

it's almost I can guarantee you, if I'm fucking around with you, I like you. I would not do that to someone I don't like and I would not do that to someone. It was a failing of like, I think we got a little too familiar with her too fast. Yeah. And also just like some people aren't used to that or don't know that. And it's

like I had to relearn how to deal with people when I came over here from Ireland because back home, everybody all the time, 110% of ragging and mocking and belittling, but it's all done with the knowledge of like, it's all in good fun. And I come over here and you say one thing to someone and they're like, and you're like, oh no, oh God. And let me tell you, it's not better to have offended someone than to not be remembered.

But going back to your comment about like comfort is, we've mentioned it before where our, like when we would go out as single dudes and like go to bars or whatever, one of the most common things that we did, did and wasn't like it was our move, but it was just like, it was just how we behaved and like having done the show, looking back and analyzing it and realizing why we were good at what we were doing was if we talked to someone, we wouldn't like go all in.

And like, it was usually just like, if I was waiting at the bar and someone was beside me, I would strike up a conversation with them. And then once I got my drink, I'd be like, all right, peace. Like, have a good night. Right. And it was like that I was just goodwill of being like, oh, you are a piece of shit. You're not being creepy. You're not being weird. You're not being pushy.

We had a very nice conversation. And then you fucked up because there's no reason for you to stay there. And before it kind of like, you know, ran its course. And I would say nine times out of ten, those conversations were incredibly boring. Yeah, 100 percent. I'm just killing time because I don't want to fucking just stare at the bartender making my fucking drink. Like, yeah, it's also hard to go from zero to 100 with a stranger without either seeming crazy or performative. Right. Yeah. Because and again, we've mentioned this before and I tell this to literally everyone who ever asked me

the question of being like, how do I talk to people? You always, like my go-to was, how's your night going? Because it's like, I don't know your name. I don't know anything about you, but I know that you are out and doing a thing. So if you were like, oh, I'm having a great night, here's this, or if you're just like, ah, it's actually kind of shit,

I've got things to talk to, or I have the red flag of being like, great, I'm just going to swerve this way and talk to the person to my left. Or they go, it's fine. I'm like, cool, you know, I'll talk to me. That's cool. And then I turn around, I get my drink and they go, oh, that was nice. It was nice to this guy. And then next time I see him, they don't have to be worried

because they know I can take a social cue. Or they say, we're having a great time. It's my friend's birthday. And then when you see them later on, you go, Oh, whose birthday is it? And they're like, Oh cool. Like it's the opposite of this advice actually because these boring conversations I think are memorable because you're being a nice normal person, which again, sadly isn't the case. Isn't what women like see all the time Yeah, it's it's so easy to like set yourself up for success by not being an asshole and to advocate for being an asshole is

It's so counterintuitive and again. I see it work. I see assholes be successful Like just cuz something works one doesn't mean it's good. Two, doesn't mean you can or should do it. And three, I think it works less and less, which is why this male loneliness epidemic and this weird male like, what the fuck? Prevalence of singledom and less sex than ever is happening is because people, we've shifted societally away from that where it's less and less acceptable as it should be. Yeah. I just want to like, I want to include the, the, the, you know, possibility of it working

for certain people, right? Because like some people can be an asshole and still be charming about it. Like it's very possible for people to do that. But that doesn't mean. Terrible advice. Yeah. But it doesn't mean that that is the way to find success, because the reason why we never say like, do this, do that, because like things work for different people. And some people just have the ability to be a piece of shit and still,

for whatever reason, be charismatic enough that people will tolerate it. And even then, it's probably only in certain circumstances with certain people, you know what I mean? And for a certain duration, right? Like I see a snippet of whatever, right? So it's like for all I know, she thinks you're hot, she just wants to fuck, and she's never gonna talk to you again.

So it doesn't really matter that. Or she's buttoning up with you for the moment, or she's very drunk or whatever. And the thing is, look at it this way, if you try what we're saying and fail, zero consequences, everything's fine, you're good, you could probably talk to that person tomorrow and they'll be like, oh, that guy.

If you try to be an asshole and fail, they think you're an asshole. Yeah. So look at it that way. All right, hit me. Asking a partner to move in, questions. So I've been seeing my current girlfriend for close to a year now, and we've begun dancing around her moving in.

I think I'm ready for that step, but I wanted to get a better perspective on things first. Finances. Neither of us have talked about merging finances, nor do I think either of us want to do that before marriage. That kind of makes this a renting situation. I have no intention of adding her to the title slash mortgage until after marriage. Perhaps I feel like I would want to ask her for a

flat amount each month to contribute with some of the bills and mortgage. She would contribute roughly a quarter of our combined income even though we would not be combined yet. So, it's asking for 20 to 25% of the mortgage monthly reasonable. We've discussed choice a bit, but it's worth revisiting. I do have a cleaning service and I maintain the hardware slash property as well. Do my own laundry, cooking, dishes, etc. How do I or how do people usually break down chores? What else am I missing that we should be talking about? I'm on a high or I'm not a high maintenance guy and I'm worried

that my standards may differ. She would need an office for home privacy. Thankfully, I have a spare bed for my convert. Is there have a spare bed where I can convert. Is there more I should consider here? How much space will she need to feel at home? And not just at my home? What else should I consider with regards to potentially moving in? This would be the final step or test

before engagement, I think. Okay. A year isn't that long, but that's okay. Who would move in with their partner after a year? What a crazy thing to do. There's no hard rules on it, but I will just caution that. I would say a good thing to think of right now is if your partner has four months left on their lease, I wouldn't pop the question before then, you know what I mean?

Or at least start talking about it, but maybe aim for that. Sometimes there are moments where it just makes more sense. So yeah, speaking personally, that is why my partner moved in with me was it was like they it didn't make any sense to we were vibing another year. Yeah. Because like the alternative was they had to leave their apartment. So like if or no, sorry, they wanted to leave their apartment. They were not happy with their apartment and their living situation.

So it was like, OK, well, you could move and then sign a year lease. And then we're just kind of like waiting for that. Like if the span is like, maybe we'll feel comfortable in like two months. It doesn't really make that big of a deal. And we also had the safety blanket of being like, you want to find a new place. So if you move in and in six months, we, we made the deal of being like, we will do a check in. And if it's not working, you're going to find a new place anyway. All your stuff is in storage. You're not losing anything.

You're back to square one. It's not a loss, right? It's not like you've lost a bunch of money getting out of a lease or, you know, whatever. So I think like think about that, because that will give you either like a timeline if it's coming up this month, you probably have to make that decision pretty quickly. If it's coming up in four or five months, you can maybe take a little time and like work this out because unfortunately life isn't perfect and we have external things that we

need to think about. So that's that's one thing to consider to the money thing. I would say you don't have to combine your money in any way, shape or form. I don't think there's any reason why you would or wouldn't if you want to. Sure, if they want to. But if you don't like me and my partner have been living together for ages and we haven't combined money until we had to for certain things. So it's like that only happened very recently. So like, fuck it. You don't need to.

So I wouldn't worry about that. As per putting them on the lease, I can understand this might be a bone of contention depending, but I think it is fine to start off that way for sure because if it's a house, if it's a place you own, you've paid X amount in already, you've put a down payment in, you've done all this stuff that they haven't. I think it would be fair to just have them contribute. I will say if they're going to stay with you for a while, maybe have a conversation where it's like, oh, if at a certain point you've been here a couple

of years or whatever, then we can talk about it because I think they're going to feel a certain amount of ownership if they're contributing to your mortgage and helping to pay that down. But at the same time, I don't think it's fair to just be like, oh, you're moving in, here you go, half my house, because what if you break up in two months? So I think that's a conversation you can have later, but I don't think it's unreasonable that you don't want to add them to the thing. I think that's totally fair. I would say if you're currently covering it, it is fair to give them a lower load than

half because then it also like, they don't have a safety net if they're not on the lease, if they're not part of the mortgage. Giving them a lower financial burden lets them save up in case something does happen and then they're not completely screwed because they've been paying your mortgage down. Yeah. I think like when it comes to money and stuff, like again, going back to my personal experience is like we just split the rent because it's, it makes sense to do that, right? Like for sure.

It's when you're renting, but you're right. All those things are very valid points. And I think it's one of those things where I don't think anyone but you can come up with the answer for this. I think you're on the right track. I think, and as Nal said, I think Nal raises a bunch of great points. I think this is a conversation

that you have with your partner. You explain logically like where you're coming from of being like, you know, this is is my house and as much as I want it to become a home for you, there is still legal and financial and there's murky stuff that isn't romantic, that isn't fun, that isn't whatever, it's just pragmatic. But it does need to be said.

And that's why I think it's really important and really impressive that you have the foresight to ask these questions. Yes, and it's really important and really impressive that you have the foresight to ask these questions. Yes. And it's a very good sign. Yeah. Because again, when my partner moved in, we moved in quickly, within a year of us. And we weren't even exclusively dating.

We were very casual up until a month prior to my partner moving in. But we sat down and she drafted a huge list of questions just to be like, how do you feel about this? Like, what is your stance on that? How do you feel about this? And we also both reached out to our friends being like, talk us out of it. Like, is this a bad idea? Like, are we idiots? So I think having a list of questions, and I think you should also propose it to her be like, okay, great. I think I'm ready for you to move think you should also propose it to her be like, okay great I think I'm ready for you to move in Let's come up with you know over dinner or a bottle of wine or something like maybe say I would like you to move in

Yeah I mean I bungled my my ask so that's fine. You bungled this one too, and that's not okay so just like Sit down and like have a have a discussion have you know make a nice meal or whatever and just like go through and it's like it's fine to have a notebook or your phone out and like because it's important not to miss these questions right like these are the things have the things that matter to you and go through one at a time and have a real honest and frank discussion don't say what you think she wants to hear.

Yes. Give her your honest opinions. Give her honest feelings. And hopefully she will do the same. And then, like, by the end of it, you will hopefully be like, yes, I think this will work. Or maybe we need to date a little longer. And that's the thing.

If you bring these up and she's like, what do you mean? Like, you're not going to put me on the lease? Like, really, you're going to have me pay your rent? Like, it's a pretty good sign that this isn't going to work out. You know what I mean? Like, if she's being unfair, unreasonable, if she doesn't like what you're saying. Again, obviously, we always speak about having self-awareness and thinking about the things you say and how and why you're saying them.

If you're not communicating well, if you're not on the same page, if it gets heated, if it gets weird, that's a pretty good sign you shouldn't move in. I think to start, it's not unreasonable for you not to want them on the lease and it is Fair for them to pay less because of this lack of security, right? So I think that set that side chores that is definitely I think you guys need to talk about and I don't necessarily Think it's a thing you can determine before they move in It's definitely thing you can think about talk about but like it's gonna be fluid You know, I mean you might when you move in. It's definitely a thing you can think about, talk about, but it's gonna be fluid, you know what I mean? You might, when you move in, be like,

oh, this isn't working, or I do too much work, or blah, blah, blah, but it's also gonna be the week that you do overtime, they're gonna pick up the slack a bit. Oh, that month you got laid off, you're gonna pick up the slack a bit. I think having a very rigid list is a little

counterintuitive sometimes. But you know, if you love X and Y, you can always say like, hey, I'm happy to do the laundry and the garbage. I don't love doing X and Y if you like that and blah, blah, blah, sort of help. But I don't think nailing that down too concretely before they move in makes too much sense. Yeah, sure should be a give and take a It's like that those are the things in a relationship that I think are like truly collaborative where it's like there are times where it's just like,

I don't wanna do that. And it's not that like I hate doing that. It's just like, I don't feel like doing the laundry right now. And I'm pretty sure my partner is currently doing the laundry because I feel that way. And sometimes you slack off on your chores and sometimes you don't and sometimes, you know, whatever.

Like all those things are a give and take, and all of them are a moment to moment situation. Day by day, week by week. Yeah, I really, really like cooking. And when I was living alone, I did not cook a lot. I made like goblin meals for myself because I don't like putting in a bunch of effort to eat by myself.

I'm a messy cooker as well, so there's so much dishes. And I mean, it just like, it doesn't make any sense. But since my partner's moved in, I make a lot of the meals. But sometimes I'm just like, I don't want to. Can you make dinner tonight? Or like, let's order something. And that's fine.

And you know, like you are not in designated cook because you said you like to cook. You know what I mean? And like in my relationship, I do really like to cook as well. And for, I would say the first couple of years, I cooked almost everything, if not everything. And it did get to a point where I was like,

hey, I cook every meal, which is like not only am I thinking about the meal, I'm getting the ingredients, I'm doing whatever, I'm prepping, I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're just like, can you cook? Can you make me something? And to their credit, they were not that used to cooking and weren't very familiar with it, but they started cooking and now they make phenomenal meals and we share that chore pretty evenly.

So it's like, that's what it's about. You know what I mean? It's like communicating when things aren't suiting you, whether it be on a daily basis, just this one time or on a long-term, yeah, whatever. So definitely chat about it, but I don't think you need to hammer that into stone. And I think it can be harmful if you make unrealistic promises and then move in and they're like, it's Thursday, Where's the car? You know? Yeah. And also, like once you get into it, it's like you'll start getting bitter and you'll start getting resentful. And it'll be like the quiet stuff

that like isn't worth bringing up, but enough to sort of like steam you. You know what I mean? Like it's it sucks. And there's like, again, going to like collaborative sharing of stuff. It's like if you cook, they do the dishes. That was like that's always been one of my rules of being like, I'm going to cook for you. You're clean enough. And that's fine. And I think it's also just like my partner feels like shit. And I'm not going to be like, oh, you're having a bad day or, you know, you've hurt yourself or whatever.

Like there's a mess in the kitchen going. Sometimes I just do it. And it's like, you don't have to like, don't make it don't weaponize it. Yeah. Don't don't be like, well, I guess I'll clean up to like, yeah, just do it. If you're doing it because you know that they can't or don't want to or whatever, just do it. Yeah. I think the main rule is don't be a dick. And that's on both sides.

Don't be a dick about making your partner do everything, but don't be a dick about not doing things either. You know what I mean? So it's like when they're tired or they're hungover or they had a hard day or you know, you have the energy or whatever, just fucking do the chores. It doesn't matter who did the last one or what the fucking roles are, you know?

Yeah, I don't know if I've, I don't think I've ever had like a, like a chores duty chart of like, an agreement sort of thing There have been definitely times where like my my ex was a far more fastidious cleaner than I was and there would be times where they would be like can you do this? Can you help with that? Can you make an effort to do this and like yeah for sure? It's just it wasn't something I ever like really thought about You matter to them they asked me to do it and I would do it exactly don't be a simple like it's yeah

Now I will say the last thing is what space do they need to make it feel like their home all the space Yeah, I think you have all the chilling too. Yes, you have to be willing to be like, alright, that's going away We're gonna replace this with that. Maybe we do this. Maybe we get new furniture like whatever. It needs to be like it sounds like in the questions, like I'll give her the office. But what else do I need to give her? That's not how it works. It's not like, oh, you have this corner.

Do what you want with that corner. But everything else you need to be. Everything is now your space collaboratively. Yeah. And that's that's just it. You know, I mean, you you can't, you know, maybe you have your office. Maybe they have their office and you that's your little realm. Sure. But like you really need to to be open to like everything is now yours, because otherwise you start to feel like a guest or a hostage or a prisoner. And it's not great. Yeah. And you by all means have your like sentimental stuff that that you want to keep or whatever

But you have to have a little bit of fluidity and a little bit of like Willingness to be like yes. Do you not like this art piece this incredible blue lady that stands in our living room? Yeah, that is from Ikea, but I refuse to tell you that because I know you'll be very angry at me If you find out that it's from Ikea. It's not going any is that how they find those from Ikea but I refuse to tell you that because I know you'll be very angry at me if you find out that it's from Ikea It's not going anywhere. Is that how they find out it's from Ikea right now. No, I let it slip Yeah, cuz I kept saying it's from a small Swedish painter Yeah And and then I just happened to I didn't realize that she didn't know that it was from Ikea and she hates this painting because she's an art history girl

and She was like I hate this fucking bitch I was like, but it's it's like my painting It's like the one piece of art that I bought when I was like 20 And it's been in all of my apartments and it was like it was the one thing And I was like, I like it. It's my painting. Yeah, I've had people like it was just like It's from Ikea I've had people do

unreasonable things like want other furniture than stuff I stole from Starbucks or Wild I know like maybe a couch that was new or not falling apart wanted to get rid of the traffic signs exactly so You know sometimes you got to put up with idiocy in this case we're gonna yell that today oh no next Monday next Monday so take those under advisement have a nice chat don't be a dick it's simple as that easy this is by Marthaerta El Rey. Girlfriend says female desire gets frustrated when made explicit. What's your experience with this?

We've had a disagreement today and after a difficult conversation we came to this conclusion. She says that by definition her desire gets frustrated if she has to explicitly state it. Actually she was hinting at this. The complete idea was formulated by me and confirmed by her. She says that's the condition of female desire. She's interested in psychology and reads a lot, so the word desire could have some of that connotations. I can understand this, but it leaves me in the position of having to be constantly mindful of what this unspoken desire could be. This is both confusing and exhausting.

I know this is what you do when you love someone. Keep them in mind. Think about what they want. But sometimes our desires are contradictory. Go here, don't go here. And it ends up looking like I should anticipate what she wants and want it as well. I can do that, but I also think there's a real need for making wants and desire clear and explicit. But according to her, this would go against the very idea

of desiring something. I end up feeling like I'm pressing the wrong key and causing conflicts that could have been avoided with higher intuition. What's your experience? Have you noticed or been told something like this? What's your advice? Thank you for reading. Christ, the two of you sound like you're a blast at parties. Holy fuck. The whole time I just wanted to be like, I'm not a violent man. I also don't think I'm much of a

bully. I think you say this every episode. But I do want to bully you right now. I want to push you down and like slap the books out of your hands right now. What the fuck are you talking about? You did say earlier means you do like them. It's true. Dan loves you. This all of this is like a gross, like pseudo intellectual way of being like, I'm a bad partner.

And I like, that's all you're saying. It's just like, it's trying to mask, read my mind scrub behind flowery language so that you don't look like as much of a dick as you're being. But then like, I feel like he's also contributing to it in a way of like entertaining this of just being like, look, if you want me to do something, you can tell me how to do it. And if that bothers you, then perhaps there is a Dom King that you need to pursue. Like there's something here that you need to figure the fuck out. Either you have a hang up and can't honestly just talk about sex without getting fucking weird about it.

Or you like sort of like the embarrassment of making me feel inadequate. Or you like sort of like the embarrassment of making me feel inadequate. So they clarify in the comments, it's not like just sexually. It is like my desire to like go here to eat dinner or like, you know what I mean? Like if you say, hey, what do you want for dinner? She's upset that you don't know. And if she has to say it, that ruins it. Interesting. So it's like literally a-

So she's terrible. She sucks shit. Yeah. Exactly. She's it's like literally terrible. She's such a yeah, fucking horrible Absolutely terrible. It's she's basically saying that women don't want to communicate which is an insane thing to say because Almost every partner I've ever had has been very eager to give their opinions on what would make them happier I mean like and I know I said that in a way that sounds like I'm besmirching that or like downplaying it or I'm making them sound like, you know, quote unquote bitches.

I mean that with all the love and affection that I possibly can. Like I love the fact that the people that are willing to be intimate or spend any amount of time with me can also express how they would like to spend that time with me for sure Like even I wouldn't want this with anybody No, like even a stranger like if I'm working in my fucking restaurant and someone comes in they're like Surprise me. No, I don't want to surprise you because I'm gonna bring you something you're like Oh, I have an allergy to that because of course, you're not gonna fucking mention that you know. You know what I mean? Or like, oh, really? This like, no, that's not how it works here. You know? Yeah. Because if you have one specific thing in mind,

then there's a million other like the chance of me getting it correct, unless like the only thing you ever want to fucking eat is McDonald's. And I know that it's like a sure bet that you're probably just craving to fucking tell me. Yeah, it's like then if that's the case, the issue is going to be when they want it. Oh, you're asking me now. I was hungry two hours ago.

You know, like we talk about this just far too much communication is key. You are literally saying you're offended by keys. How you get getting the door? Yeah, it's you need. I, this person sucks so bad. You suck. And like to the question asker, I'm going to give you a little grace.

You need to have the fucking spine to stand up to this and say, no, that's not how life works. If that's how you want to live. Sucks for you and for whoever you're going to be with, but that person isn't going to be me because I cannot and will not read life works. If that's how you want to live, sucks for you and for whoever you're gonna be with, but that person isn't gonna be me, because I cannot and will not read your mind. Yeah, like you go through this sort of like weird, like hoop jumping situation where you like guess, where you're like, oh, I figured out,

I came to the conclusion because she couldn't even tell me this much. It just sounds like she's incapable of forming thoughts and expressing them. Like, if she can't even come up with the idea of like, oh, I don't like if I have to tell you this, it kind of ruins it for me. Like, she didn't even come up with that concept. He did. And she right.

Like, she couldn't even tell him that she couldn't communicate that she didn't want to communicate. Yes. Yeah. And so like a part of me thinks that there is there's a lot going on behind the scenes with her. Right. I don't think it certainly isn't a this is what women want. Well, and that's the thing. Even the fact that she's phrasing it as a women thing sucks. Yeah. You don't get to speak for women. You can barely speak for yourself. You know, it's it's so awful. But like you are left in this position with being either incredible, which takes work and luck or in trouble. And I think that's how she wants it because either you're grinding and you're always like,

oh my God, what does it mean? What's this clue she's dropping? What's this expression? Fuck. Yeah. Or she gets to be like, oh my god. What does it mean? Well, what's this clue? She's dropping? What's this expression fuck? Yeah, or she gets to be like you ruined it great Thanks like this is someone who wants to be annoyed at you and has set up the conditions so that they're allowed be annoyed at you and That fucking sucks. Yeah, they're not doing this to not be annoyed at you and again, it's it's your I think if I had to guess is you are so, uh, like

spoiled in the sense that people have catered to you your whole fucking life. And now that you're an adult, you now have to, there's, there's like a responsibility to look after yourself. And now that you don't have like an army of people all bending over backwards to make sure that you are happy. And this is just, I'm just guessing, right? Like, I don't know, but this is how you're coming across, right? This is, this is the vision that you have given us with this idea, because if you can't communicate what you want in any regard,

and then also expect people to just know what it is, you're, you're an idiot and you're going gonna be unhappy for a very long time. You're gonna be frustrated, you're gonna be annoyed. And if that's what you want, okay, but don't expect people to put up with it. Like also be ready. Like if that's the life you wanna live, also be ready to live it alone

because it's not a realistic expectation. Cause at best you'll get someone who has no self-respect, who's willing to stay in this relationship out of like, I guess desperation or something, or doesn't know any better. That's the best you're gonna do. Or someone who's so shit that they'll put up with that for other reasons.

You're not getting a good healthy partner, because why would you? Why would somebody put themselves through that? And it's not, even boil it all right fucking down. It doesn't even really matter if you get a good partner. You're also not going to be happy and you're a bad like ever. Yeah, you know, like unless your happiness is dependent on other people's like insecurity and misery and like and again, that's why I think like

guessing it is there is a secret Dom situation. There is a you like to embarrass people you like to humiliate people and that if you want to get consent and Live out that fantasy. That's fine, but to do it through the guise of like this pseudo intellectual bullshit Mm-hmm. And also just feeling it's just women. It's not me. It's just not me fuck off women work get the fuck out Yeah, I promise you there is a lineup of women around the fucking world who are dying to tell their sexual partners what they want mm-hmm and the romantic partners I don't know if we've time for a question I don't think we do what let me mmm no not really you know what we'll throw it on the patreon we will thank you everybody this has been a joy, as per usual.

We love you and we hope that you're doing OK out there. We do. We're here for you. It's a tough time. There's a lot of bad stuff happening. I kind of want to germinate on it. I think it's stuff that we should talk

about on the show, but I want to, like, educate myself a little bit more before we before we talk about it. But as now said, we do love you. we support you, we've got your back. Now more than ever, rely on your communities and your friends and your family where you can, whether they're found or whatever. Take care of yourself. I think that's the most important thing. It feels really weird to go from this into what I'm about to read, but thank you Josh Eagle and the Harbor Cities for your song Paper Stars and as always I like a share a retweet

Although Twitter is a fucking cesspool Anything that helps worth the show we appreciate And we love you so everyone get comfortable and maybe I'll make your day better or worse Depending on how you feel about me reading the blurb of Morning Glory milking farm. Oh good Violet is a typical down-on-her-luck millennial, mid-20s, over-educated and drowning in debt on the verge of moving into her parents basement when a lifeline appears in the form of a very unconventional job in neighboring Cambric Creek. She has no chance but to grab at it with both hands. Morning Glory farm offers full-time hours, full benefits and generous pay with no experience needed.

There's only one catch. The clientele is grade A certified prime beef with the manly, meaty endowments to match. Hands on work with minotaurs isn't something Violet ever considered as a career option, but she's determined to turn the opportunity into a reversal of fortune. When a stern, deep voiced client begins

to specifically request her for recessions at the farm Maintaining her professionalism and keeping them out of her dreams is easier said than done By the resolve to make a dent in her student loans and afford name-brand or juice And the one-sided crush on an out-of-her-league minotaur is not part of her plan Unless her feelings aren't so one-sided after all and the the cover is a woman in a dress nuzzling up to a minotaur. So. Hell yeah. I do feel like there is a very specific cult shot about the orange juice situation. I feel like that is, I feel like that is a lived experience of someone doing something they're not, maybe not super proud of in order to afford fancy OJ. I get it. I get it. The juice is

one of those things where it's like you can live without it, but you don't want to. Yeah. And hey, look, with the price of groceries these days, I'd jack off a fucking Minotaur. Yeah. My name's Dave Miller. And I'm Dospain. I'm gonna jack off your Minotaur. you