F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 330 - Pavlov's Wife

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

The hottest craze is using archaic psychological manipulation trends on your wife.  Topics include OnlyFans safety, finding the right bell for your wife, recording your conversations, disrespecting your dead husband. Come see us perform live!  Feb. 20th, Black Sheep, Toronto.  Tickets available here! 

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Bane and we're your fuck buddies and we are here I just talked as you were drinking. Yeah, I know I was like, why did I take a drink? I don't know how fast this Worst time to do it We're sex dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners the at centi and we answer them right them right here, right now, every Monday in your ears. Where else and when else, Ding?

We are doing a live show. Another, our return to the stage. Our first show of- Our 2025 debut. Yes. Back at Black Sheep in Liberty Village, Toronto, February 20th at 7 PM, we are doing a cozy, comfy PJ. We know you don't want to leave the house, but come out and do something fun and not that expensive. That's the thing. It's like winter sucks, but staying in gets old. So it's like we want to give you the best of both worlds. You come out, but you're going to feel like you stayed in because one it's going to be cheap. Ten dollar tickets. Find me a better deal in the city.

You're not going to be cheap. Ten dollar tickets. Find me a better deal in the city. You're not going to be able to. VIP, it's a 15 dollar ticket, which means it gets you a free drink. And that's like a fiver for a drink. Find me a better deal in the city. You won't be able to. We're going to be there. That's five dollars per boy and a five dollar. A better deal.

Kill burn that establishment to the ground. We're going to end them. We will raise this city until we are the only thing standing a monolith of cheap entertainment, which is the name of our company. And like you show up, you're going to be comfy. You're going to be cozy. So it's going to kind of feel like you're at home. But instead of being in your living room by yourself, barren and sad with your skin too dry and the TV gray scale, you're going to be sitting in a room full of warmth, full of friends, drinks,

food, other people in their comfies watching us do funny things on stage. And we've got a games. We've got visual elements. Now we've got prizes that will help you transition from comfy outside time to making your comfy inside time more enjoyable as well. Yeah, we're going to give you gifts that will mean you won't have to leave your home until the next time we have a live show. Yeah, because you know when like you're sitting at home and you're really comfy and you're really cozy and outside is like it's fucking snowing you can see like this the ground is white because it's so fucking cold and you're like you know what would be really good

right now some like gummy candies a chocolate and like a coca cola. But you're like, you know, it would be really good right now. Some like gummy candies, a chocolate and like a Coca Cola. But you don't want to leave the house or fucking go. You have to get it. I wish I had those things. Like what happens to me is I want them the second the shops close. Mm hmm. You know, we're not. No one like a cozy emergency kit. Yeah. So that when you're in that moment, you're like, wait, we have that thing from now on, Dane. Exactly. Let's go. So that when you're in that moment, you're like, wait, we have that thing from Nile and Dane.

Exactly. Let's go. So be there. You'll find the links anywhere. It's February 20th, seven o'clock, Black Sheep Cocktail Lounge, Liberty Village. It's gonna be a lot of fun. But don't worry, we're gonna get right into the questions right now because this week we're talking about how to practice safe sex with OnlyFans, girl. Ways to pavlov your wife. I record every conversation to get better at social skills and now I look like a creep. Your army of plushies. I feel like we've done that one, but again. I think I'm almost positive we did, but I've been watching Severance.

I'd seen it prior and then I rewatched it to catch my partner up. And then all of a sudden it makes sense while you go into your podcast fugue state. I literally feel like walking into this closet, I get severed because last night my partner, I don't remember, oh, she was like, I can't believe you didn't bring up

Shania Twain in that question. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Those are words, I guess. I was like, and she does it a lot. Anytime she's like listening, she usually does it when she's like, you know, cleaning or working out or whatever. And she'll like pull out her headphones and be like, blah, blah, blah. She'll say something. I'm like, darling, I love you.

But what I say on the podcast and in the closet is not me. I that is my any. And you're talking to the Audi right now. So please, please don't hold me accountable. All right. Um, this is by ready to work 22, how to practice safe sex with only fans girl. I'm planning to go on a date with a girl I met on hinge who turned out to be an only fans girl. I subscribed to her profile and got her number.

Tomorrow we are going out on a date. Assuming we come back to mine and have sex, I'm planning on only doing the following. 1. Massage. 2. Making out. 3. Fingering. 4. Boob sucking. 5. She can give me a hand job. Do you guys think this is safe? Since she's an OnlyFans girl, I don't know how many dudes she slept with, nor do I have any idea of if she gets regularly tested for STDs. So I'm very confused. Like, is she a like a porn actress? Like, is she doing like sex? Is she having sex with people on her only fans or like, because I know

almost everyone I know that does only fans is solo. Like they just. I'm assuming it's so. Yes. But I'm also like, I don't know, because a lot of people think that like, oh, just because you are cool. Yes. But I'm also like, I don't know, because a lot of people think that like, oh, just because you are taking, Yes.

like sexy photos or you're a sex worker in terms of, you know, what you do for money, you are, you've got to be riddled with disease. Which is, I think this guy's one of his many problems based on this question. So there's a lot of things that come to mind. Like if someone is doing sex work and they're doing it

responsibly and professionally, they're probably getting tested more than you ever have in your life. Like in the course of a month, they are probably getting tested more than you have ever done. If they're not, then perhaps they have a recurring partner that they only make contact with one person and they know that like, you know, they might get tested on a regular basis, but like they know we're the only people that work together. We're the only people that we're having sex with and you know, the safety is there. It's like being in a monogamous relationship. This is also something you can talk to with your sexual partners. Yeah, it's almost like there's no real change in the fact that she's an only fans model. It doesn't mean like, look, I know you guys talk about communication and I should, you

know, talk about these things with my upcoming partners. But she is an only fans girl, so she can't hear words or sign language or text or I just cannot find it. Like, just talk to them like you would with anybody else. The only thing this is showcasing is your ignorance and like weird hangups. And like, there's also the other thing of being like, is this a date or are you paying for the time? Right? It seems like it's a date. Yeah. Okay. Then that's, if you're on a date, then you can absolutely have a conversation with someone before you sleep with them. And if it's, Hey, if you're paying for it, you could definitely do that.

Like, that's what I mean. It's like, if you're, if it's a transaction, then like, you don't even have to worry about like being socially awkward about it. It's your money. Like you should absolutely have a conversation with any sex worker that you might be procuring the services for to be like, Hey, what are the, what are the rules? What are your safety procedures?

Like, in fact, if you're not having this, they'll probably be asking you if you've been tested. services for to be like, hey, what are the rules? What are your safety procedures? Like, you can ask for documentation. They'll probably be asking you if you've been tested. Yeah. Yeah, I think this all stems from you have a weird, like, very shitty view of women and sex workers and OnlyFans models, and you need to fix that. One.

Two, have you ever gone on a date with someone and been like, hold on, let me write down the five things that I'm okay with when I get home, which are massage making out and like, I'll let her give me a hand job. What are you doing? Oh, sucking boobs. I'm going to be sucking boobs.

Number four. Yeah. I could suck your titties, but like I, there's a, there seems to be like a, like, why wouldn't you get a blow job if you're okay with making out your lips have touched, right? So if you're concerned about presumably like a, like, why wouldn't you get a blow job? If you're okay with making out, your lips have touched, right? So if you're concerned about presumably like a herpes transference of it, you've already made out with her.

You're like, like if you're going to catch something from her lips, you're going to get something from her lips just because it's not your dick. The rest of your body. It's much better if it's not your dick. For sure. That's 100%. Let's be fair.

But yes, you're, you're right. It's like, you're not even being rational about your own bullshit. You're just being a dick. And like, you're also ignoring the concept of like, condoms as well. Like, if you're concerned, and you should be concerned about your sexual health for you and your partner, if this is a concern, I mean, I'm gonna walk it even further back. If, because this was a big thing in college of people being like, Oh, I got a double bag it because she's like, she dirty or what?

You know what I mean? Like that kind of like sentiment of being like, I'm super nervous that I'm hooking up with this person because I think she's riddled with disease. It's like, if you have that, if you think someone is that, uh, lacks with their sexual health, why do you want, like, I don't understand. if you think someone is that lacks with their sexual health Why do you want like I don't understand like the idea of being looking at or assuming someone is so gross quote unquote Because it is it's not like like you're not gross if you get one

But in these scenarios you're like gross because you're getting so many and you won't do almost like collecting in this like fiction. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like if you truly believe that about someone, you wouldn't want to hook up with them. Yeah. It's the same way as like if, if like, if someone's like, oh, that person's really stinky. And so like the only way you have to hook up with them is if you like plug your no, like what, what are you talking about? Yeah. It's, this guy needs to get his shit together. One, your views on women suck.

Yeah, they really do. Two, your views on sex workers suck. Three, you're kind of an idiot because again, nothing changes in this scenario. At no point do you say, hey, should I talk to her? Should I communicate? Should I make sure I bring a condom? Should I, you know, get myself tested? Should we trade tests?

Like, et cetera, et cetera. You're just saying, damn, I think she's a wanton slatter and wench. Yeah. Because of her job, I can only assume that she has no ability to take care of herself, despite the fact that like, if, if she were like, if she is shooting with people, like she's probably getting more like the poor community is very intensive, but like you need to get sort of tested

in order to continue to shoot, especially if you're doing it with like a professional company. Yeah, she's also has, if that's the case, she has more impetus to be tested than any other person you're gonna find. Because it's not only a safety measure, it's now like a professional measure,

like a reputation measure, like kindness for the other people, like her coworkers, et cetera, et cetera. So it's like, this woman is in that case more likely to have been tested. Yeah. You're welcome. It's very, very like your position on this is dumb pretty much like across the board. Like there's no, there's nowhere I can connect with this. I always try to like, when we get a question, like I try to empathize, right? Like I try to like get in the other person's head and be like, okay, I get

where you're coming from because of X, Y, and Z, but here it's just like, you're a shitty dude who has horrible views. And that's why you are. So it's like, I can't even be like, I understand your nervous. I understand blah, blah, blah. It's like you're, you're skipping the biggest step of being a responsible sexual partner of just being like, Hey, I'm concerned about sexual health. Uh, should, should we get, you know, when was the last time you get tested?

Like what's your testing schedule, regimen, whatever. Um, which also you're not, you should be able to do without being judgmental and shitty. Yeah. Yeah. I've had, there's plenty of times where I've met, especially like online dating, where women have specifically requested me Like I don't really like because I'm usually upfront and be like I'm sleeping with other people like I'm seeing other people

And people are like cool. I'm alright with that. However, I would like to see you know a test before we have sex and usually if if I'm Interested enough in this person, I will go and get it. If it's like, if we're just kind of like casually talking and haven't met up yet, I'll probably wait until we go on a date.

But like, if we've gone on a date and it's like, yes, I would like to sleep with you, I'm gonna go get tested. Yeah, for sure. One, it's great peace of mind. Yeah, it's nice to know, right? Yeah, it's always nice when you like go to the dentist wherever and they're like, you got no cavities.

Fuck yeah, great. Okay, cool. Because also you go and they're like, oh, a ton of sugar. I'm pretty confident. Then you can get it dealt with. Or at least take steps to not continue to spread it. Yeah, there's literally no harm to getting tested. Exactly.

So that's it. Also, it's a good litmus test because if they're weird about you asking, you probably don't want to sleep with them anyway. Yes. Exactly. So that's it. Also, it's a good litmus test because if they're weird about you asking, you probably don't want to sleep with them anyway. Yes. Yeah. Although in this case, I feel like you're going to be the one who's weird and they're not going to want to sleep with you.

So. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's the case. I think this poor lady should run for the fucking Hills. Yes. It's, it's pretty wild that where did he meet her? Just like he saw her on social media, found her only fans and got her number. No, I think he was saying he met her on online dating or something.

I just closed the tab. I think they met. Then he found out she was only fans. Right. OK, definitely not. It sounded like he subscribed to her only fans and then he did say he did that. Like after. Yeah. Because like, girl, what are you doing? Yeah. This recipe for disaster

yeah but you know you know taste your blessing guess um this comes from kenny the princess ways to pavlov wife okay this i'm excited to give you the twist here so i have seen multiple posts about how wives either intentionally or unintentionally pad blob their husbands. My wife has actually done a similar thing with coconut oil, where she would use it always for hand job blowjobs and it resulted in the smell of coconut. Driving me crazy. Off the top of my head, some of the things I remember reading were red lipstick for blowjobs,

putting on a certain perfume before sex, using certain scented slash flavored lube, wearing certain lingerie slash clothing before sex using certain scented slash flavored lube, wearing certain lingerie slash clothing, clothing before sex. I had this discussion with my wife, and we both thought it would be hot if we could find something similar if for her. It got me thinking to it got me thinking that I've only ever read about it from a woman's point of view. And I was struggling to come up with ways I could do the same with my wife. Any ideas?

Clip your nails before you go to finger town. Um, I, I, the funny thing is, it's like, you could do all the things that's listed. I mean, I guess other than sort of like, like lingerie, unless you're into that, like you could have like a pair of like silk, you know, boxers or something boxers. Yeah. Right. Or like a, a very specific belt that melt, like that jingle jangles in a certain way when you take it off, you know? Yeah. I have a very loud belt. Like one of my belts is it's, it's very like clinky, like undo it.

So I was like, if you want to be literally Pavlov and have like an audio element to it. Get a belt with a bell on it. Put the bell in. Exactly. Um, like, is this even a good thing? It feels weird to me that you would have such specific situations that you'd be able to be Pavlov'd. It makes me feel like you're not doing the things enough.

What do you mean? Like if it's like, oh, I smoke coconut, like I'm getting horny, it's like that to me feels like you you have like a hand job, like so rarely that like coconut is like, oh, oh, shit, is it happening? As opposed to like if you got a hand job every day, I don't think you'd be like, like, you know what I mean? I feel like there has to be a certain Pavlov. But he didn't ring the bell once a day or once a year.

No, I know. But that no, it's just that you associate it with something. Yeah, that's the thing. There's repetition. Yeah. But it doesn't mean it has to be regular. In this case, like I think there needs to be a lack of for it to be that exciting for someone, because to me, it seems like there's a desperation to like the oh, oh, I don't know. It just seems weird to me.

Also, like imagine if you got like if you had blowjobs regularly every day, it's like, hold on, fuck, like red lipstick. Like, I don't know. It just, to me, it seems like a, it just seems bad. The, I mean, like I can't speak for the psychological, cause it's like people who like ruin their fucking lives with ASMR, right? Like I think there probably could be a long-term detrimental effect. I don't know the history of like how Pavlov played out in terms of the end result of being like, oh, this dog literally couldn't get hungry unless he heard the bell and starved to death, you know, after years of it. But I think there is something fun to like, if you want to have sort of like a fun, teasy signal when you're

about to go, you know, when you go for dinner, you put on your, your, your clinky belt or she puts on her red lipstick. I hate the clinky belt. Stop talking about the clinky belt. It couldn't be less sexy. No, like, like think about taking off your belt. I know. I know exactly. But it's still, I'm thinking of like, is this just weirdly big belt now? It's stupid. It's comical. It's oversized. That's how big it is. I have to like it looks like yeah it looks like a wrestling belt a Lego character or something yeah it's yeah it's like a it's like a WGV we hate your clinky belt ship belt well hey late I'm gonna start tolls by Metallica in which case

one good song two it's a literal bell at the start I'm gonna start your welcome he belt around you and I'm gonna Pav Pavlov every time I'm going to jingle it and give you like a little like sour gummy. The amount of time it'll take for you to Pavlov me into liking your belt. Well, I should be really quickly if you give me sour gummies. So yeah,

exactly. Um, here's, here's my thought. Wouldn't it be fun if you did it by hiding? So every time she couldn't find you? She just gets so hot so turned on because every time you went to work. She'd be like oh fuck He's not in the house. Mm-hmm, and then by the time you get home. She's a crazy she's Another thing it's like what if you like run at a distance, screaming full force? So she's getting ready upstairs in the bathroom. You're in the basement,

just preparing her primal scream. And as she's brushing her teeth, all she just hears is like, and then by the time she gets you, she's sopping wet. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. Those are honestly, how could we do better than those two? I don't think so. Or comply with them. I think anyone who intentionally Pavlov's their partner is either super desperate or very manipulative.

I could be wrong, but it just seems to me that- Well, this is consensual. They've talked about it in- I know, which is kind of ruining my point, but I do want to make it evil. So maybe be like, oh, you you did that one chore I hate. So you have love them to be like, what's the thing you fucking hate? Like, do you not like doing the like hoovering the stairs?

Yeah. OK. Now she's going to get road rotten the second she does that. So there you go. Yeah. Now you've done what everyone else does. You made it evil. So she's not missing out. Yeah. The second she pulls out that vacuum, you start jingling your belt.

Blowjob blowjob belt Blowjob blowjob Blowjob blowjob. Well, I guess it's your favorite anime. So yeah, there's blowjob explode job I guess it would be suck job blowjob. So job suck job because the Hoover The Hoover sucks. It doesn't blow. Yeah, maybe if you hate the leaf blowing its blowjob blowjob Yes, or you have a really bad vacuum that just maybe It doesn't blow. Yeah, maybe if you hate the leaf blowing, it's blow job blow job. Yes Or you have a really bad vacuum that just maybe you start everywhere because the thing is like we play You know D&D and stuff like that It's not actually D&D, you know what I mean? And it's like you always want to be unique and do a twist on it, right?

You don't want to be the same rogue that's the other rogue, right? So I want to be really unique with your Pavlov. How about you just pick a day a year? April 8th and you know that you're just gonna get fucking ravaged on April 8th And then next year like nothing happens or like, you know, just think that's back flopping. It's normal stuff But then April 8th, it's maybe gonna take a few years for her to realize but eventually she's gonna put the dots together She's like, oh my god, April 8th is the magic day and then she's gonna be the dots together. She's gonna be like, oh my God, April 8th is the magic day. And then she's gonna be coming up to it, you know? But I think the problem with that is, I think Pavlov needs to be a more immediate response.

Whereas I think if you're waiting for- What could be more immediate than it being April 8th? The other 364 days of waiting in dread of being like, oh no. That's like saying every breath you take that isn't coconut butter is you know that's just the other days baby the other days I would before you start trying to Pavlov your partner I would maybe look into the detriment of Pavlov because again I feel like we're both taking

Pavlov way too seriously and there's I think- I feel like we're both taking Pavlov-ing way too seriously and there's nothing past it just being like an association, but maybe the dark world of Pavlov-ing. That's what I'm saying. I'm gonna type that into Google right now. The dark world of Pavlov-ing? Dark world of Pavlov-ing. You're gonna find a Reddit search for sure

of some seduction person being like, I've been Pavlov-ing this girl in my class. Oh, the very first thing. Pavlov's dog experiment was more disturbing than you think. See? That's what I'm saying. I'm worried that there's like the dog, like, again, like doesn't eat until it hears the bell. And then, you know, the guy was just like, yeah, I'm done with this experiment, dog. I don't care if you're hungry.

Okay. Well, I'm not going to stop reading this. It's real bad. It's nothing about, are we haven't gotten to the actual psychological effects as more of just the things Pavlov did to these creatures and it's not good. So don't have love your wife because apparently Pavlov involves putting a lot holes in them in places there shouldn shouldn't be holes. So yeah I mean, maybe that's that's it right? It's like oh, there's a new hole to be fucked Guess I'm getting horny. Yeah, every time you put a new hole in them. No, we can't

You ready? Yeah, this is by They don't have a name. I Just record Oh I 20 year old male, record my conversations to improve my social skills. And I just made myself look like a total creep to my only friend, 19 year old female. I have no idea how to talk to people. Like genuinely, I'm so bad at socializing,

I've started using an app called ReClip to save my conversation so I can go back later and analyze what I did wrong. I know it sounds weird, but it's the only way I can figure out how to improve. I don't do it secretly or anything, I just keep my phone on me, hit record while I'm talking to people,

and listen back later like some kind of socially inept detective trying to solve the mystery of why am I like this? Now Dane, does that sound to you like not a secret? Not a secret? Yeah, he's like, I don't do it secretly, I just turn it on and put it on the table. Yeah.

I feel like to not have it not be a secret. You would have to be like, Hey, I'm recording this conversation. Yeah, 100% Yeah. Which we'll get to later. Anyway, have the mind backfired. And now I think my only friend Sarah thinks I'm a total creep were hanging out at her place watching a random show and things were going fine for once. I actually felt like I was being normal. But then at one point, she got up to grab something from the kitchen. And as she walked past me,

muttered something under her breath. I didn't catch it. She kind of laughed right after. So I assumed it was a joke. And this is where I ruined everything. Instead of asking her to repeat it like a regular person, my brain short-circuited and I just said, no, I'll just check the recording later. She stopped mid-step, turned around and said, well, recording.

Oh no. At this point I realized I had zero good ways to explain it without sounding like a psycho. So I tried to backtrack. But instead of saying something normal, I doubled down in the worst possible way. I just record our conversations for self-improvement reasons. Her eyes went wide. You record me?

Me? Not just you. I record everyone I talk to, as if that made it better. Silence was deafening. I could hear my own heartbeat trying to eject itself from my chest out of sheer embarrassment. Then she shook her head, let out a nervous laugh and said, that's really weird, dude.

And kind of like that, the vibe was obliterated. She barely talked for the rest of the night. When I left, she gave me the kind of awkward wave you'd give to someone you don't plan on seeing again anytime soon. Now I have no idea what to do. Do I text her and explain? Apologize?

Act like nothing happened? I swear I wasn't being creepy. I'm just so bad at talking to people I've resorted to reviewing my interactions like game footage now. I'm worried. She thinks I'm some kind of obsessive weirdo How do I fix this? I might permanently the recording guy in her mind now. Yeah You obviously fumbled all you had to do is be like, oh, I'm actually a robot Yeah, and my brain stores so it's like when I get home and decompress and, and defrag the old hard drive, I'll just replay it back. Like that's, that's it. Like I,

I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was a robot, but you know, the government wants me. And the thing is I didn't use to be a robot either. The COVID vaccine turned me into one. If only Robert F Kennedy Jr. could have saved me. Yeah. Damn you, Fauci. But Fauci got us again. Or just be like, oh, it's a kink thing. I masturbate to the recordings and then she can't kink shame you.

Oh, that's true. You don't want to be a bad friend and kink. Exactly. She's about to be like, that's actually worse. And you're like, wait, wait's true. You don't want to be a bad friend and King. Exactly. She's about to be like, that's actually worse. And you're like, wait, wait, wait. You pull out the legal breakdown of Nebraska. And it says it right there. Op seven a cannot King shame. It's the one executive order that Trump signed

that we didn't pay attention to was weirdly sex positive. He was like, no more to shake, shave. You know, if he did that, it wouldn't even be for good reasons. No, a hundred percent. No, it's just be like, oh yeah, you could definitely choke out anyone you want. Yeah, it's got too real, too fast. I know I shouldn't have brought up Fauci.

This is, yeah, you open the door with your anti-vax joke. You can salvage this, I think, by reaching out and being like, I am sorry, I acknowledge that it is weird that I do this. And do it through text so that you have full control over your ability to do it. And you don't need to record text because they're already on your thing. So you're good. Yeah, exactly. And just be honest and be like, I have a really hard time with social interactions and I kind of spiraled and this was the one thing that

seemed to make sense and that did help. And I'm sorry, I didn't tell you. I understand that it was a breach of trust. I understand that it was an invasion of privacy. And I'm really, really sorry. Like, you don't mean, I think taking ownership and admitting and understanding why someone would be upset about this is the only action you can take. And it doesn't mean she has to forgive you.

No. And I do think you need to fully be like, I fucked up. And like, I should have told you, like, not even like I could have, like I should have, like, I realized that that's really fucked up. Uh, I'm, you know, that's on me. And you're right. It was fucking weird and it sucks to have to find out that way, but I recognize that now and I'm sorry, and then go join the fucking improv class.

Yeah, I mean, that's always gonna be our answer for that kind of stuff. But yeah, in order to attempt to salvage this, there needs to be a genuine apology and no excuses and a real reason. Yeah. Explain yourself and like be genuine and honest. And also like, yeah, the the truth's a little embarrassing. That's what's going to make it palatable.

Yeah. Like if you're just like, oh, I just do it like whatever. No, like fuck you. If you're like, hey, I really awkward. And this was like my weird attempt to try to like that's at least I don't want to say charming because it's not like you're not using it to like charm, but I mean the truth, like the embarrassment of it and like the honesty that you're giving will go a long way towards making what you do like acceptable. Yeah. And being like, I feel comfortable with you and I want to like the way that we hang

out would be nice to me if I could find, if I could replicate that with other people and like, you know, be honest about your, why, why you're doing it. And don't, don't try to make them feel bad. Like it's not a pity party, right? You did something weird. Yeah. And you did something that hurt someone.

It's not your turn now to try to like weaponize the way that they're upset in order to get them to forgive you. For sure. And I also have to you have to accept if they don't want to because what you did was a breach of trust. Yeah. And people don't need to accept your apology or move forward with your relationship like that's also a fact of life. Could be a crime depending on where you're at. Not everywhere has one party consent. Yeah. So I think one, you got to stop as well, because I don't think you can go into every conversation you have being like, Hey, I'm going to record this if that's okay. But that's the only way you can do this, like morally, normally, but like, you're not, you're not going to do that because that's weird. Right. So you

can't do it now because it's not, you could get a job as an investigative reporter. Have one of your private investigators license. Little clicky tape thing and be like, do you mind if this is on the record? Because when you say, is it on the record? That sounds professional. That's cool as shit. All of a sudden that's sick. And then you can, there's a reason why in your room, you have a giant cork board with pictures of people and little notes on them and the string, you know what I mean? Newspaper groups that have nothing to do with anything else. Your same friend, when she looks out her window at night

and you're on the street with a telephoto lens taking pictures of her, she's gonna be like, hey, instead of being like, whoa, what the fuck? Well, what are you doing? It's just gonna make sense. She's gonna be like, oh, you're on a stakeout. I get it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're staking me out like a private investigator does. Oh, you're staking me out, that private investigator. Oh, you're taking me out.

No worries. That's the only way to do it, honestly. Oh, do you mind if we on the record? Yeah. Can we do this on the record? And the thing is, if someone ever gets weirded out by that and they go like, wait, what the fuck? I think the sheer coolness of you putting in the way and being like off the record, then I'm going to feel so like, oh, shit,

we're dangerous right now instead of thinking, what hell just happened to this guy try to record me or if someone's like no I don't want to do that you say huh interesting and you take a notepad out make a note right now victim does not want to be victim why did you call me a victim yeah and I think what you should also do is get a second tape recorder. But on this one is actually like a sort of like noir jazz that you play while you're so this one is a playback. It's not that it's a tape player.

Instead of a tape recorder. It's this new groundbreaking technology Danes come up with. Yeah. And you just hit play and then all of a sudden there's like a sort of 1940s jazz. Hey, if you have trouble talking with people, perhaps you can change everything into a narration. Yeah, exactly. He sat down across from this woman. They're watching reality TV.

He looked at her and he thought, dear God, I'm going to fuck this up. Just constantly make really fucking wild metaphors. Mm-hmm her legs went from the top of her to the bottom of her like the highway 82 He felt like the bottom of a birdcage Newspaper newspaper at the bottom of a board birdcage. You got to really figure it out Well, that's more like what he do cuz he's bad at talking. So you can't record people, dude. What are you doing? This person thinks you're weird

and you gotta fucking literally be as like, hey, I'm super sorry as you can be because you did a weird fucking bad thing and you can't keep doing it. And there are better ways to fix this problem. Also, how long you've been doing it for? Because either it's not worth it. How long do you keep these recordings?

Yeah. Do you jerk it when you listen to them? Do you jerk it? Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Look. You legally have to tell us you jerk it to these recordings. It's a safe space.

You can tell us. If you jerk it to these recordings, you're done. You're done. We're firing you. You're out of this city. You're off the caves. Because you're Pavlov-ing yourself with conversations. Because you're probably rock hard when you're talking to her.

That's why you can't talk. Because that's all you're thinking about is how much you're gonna jerk to this exact conversation bricked up That's my turn right it is your turn unless you want me to just swoop by you I you know what I'm almost now that I'm in as my any I do recall Doing a very similar plushy question So I'm going to skip to a real sad one. Really bum us out. Or I could do a really fun one and we don't get sad at the end of the episode. Yeah. Okay. Fine. Why do you seem sad about being happy?

I'm sad that I can't be sad. You can, hey, ruin my day. Go for it. I want to be happy. I want to be sad. Okay. Go on. Sunshine, sunshine. There was a milk propaganda cartoon a very long time ago, and it was like these like, it was like a black and white like thing, and the workers were like, I don't want to be happy. I want to be sad. And then milk shows up. I'm pretty sure it was milk. And the milk man is like bringing color to the world. There's a whole fucking battle. It's crazy.

That's because milk is amazing. There's a, there was a milk, like a pro milk ad back in Ireland. And one of the like rugby player guys was like the face behind it. But like, I think the whole thing was like, I like, I stand behind Irish farmers, but he was like, I'm behind Irish farmers.

And he was really big. And like, you'd see someone like milking a cow and he was just kind of like looming over him. I don't think it was meant to be threatening, but it did have like, I'm behind you energy. Yeah. Big, big, I'm going to hurt you. Yeah. Like he's fucking systematically one by one hunting down milk farmers. And the only one problem I can stop it, but he's too busy jerking it off to all the conversations

This is I remember Aurora. He might say yeah, that's the twist in the third act He's behind the PI because the PI's been milking it too much. Forget it Nile. It's milking town Am I dishonoring my husband so soon after he died? I lost my husband suddenly three weeks ago today. Shattered me. The last few days my sex drive came back.

I loved my husband and I would never have cheated, but our sex life was not satisfying. He's also the only man I've ever been with. I'm now looking and talking to a few of my friends for a hookup. I want to know what I've been missing, but that may be disrespectful to my husband so soon after he's gone. But I'm upfront with these people that is only physical. Am I being disrespectful to my husband so soon after he's gone. But I'm up front with these people that is only physical. Am I being disrespectful to my husband? What is what is disrespectful to your husband? He dead.

True. Yeah, I mean, like he's dead. So the only person who gets to make that call is like you. Right. Like it's more about how you feel and like how his family feels, I guess. Like if they were to see you dating someone so soon, I think that, you know what I mean? Like if you go to a bar in a small town where his family also go and they see you with another man, that might cause different problems for you. I assume that's not an issue you're having, but it is something to keep in mind because other than that, it's just between you and your husband. And it's like, I can't be the

one to tell you if you're going gonna do this and lie awake at night feeling like trash, but I also can tell you that there is no metric to judge that by. That's the thing. I think you need to keep in mind, you just went through a really horrible thing and trauma is not something that operates rationally. So in your brain now, one of the things

that might be helping you get through the trauma is being like, well, sure. All this bad stuff has happened, but here's the silver lining is that, you know, you weren't sexually satisfied and now you can go explore that. And that might be covering up the sort of layers and layers and layers and layers of sadness that you have, which might be something worth exploring. But you need to understand that like there's also a chance that this has come crashing down on you where you have sex with someone once and you're like, Oh, that doesn't fix anything. And I'm still very, very sad. This also could be like a trauma response where you're like, like, you know what I mean? Like you're, you're doing something self-destructive. You don't like, I don't know. I would say

to be certain of like why you're doing it. Are you doing it for the right reasons? Are you moving too quickly? Et cetera. But also on top of that, it's like, I don't know if I died, I would want my partner to be happy and have fun. Does that mean having sex within a month? Yeah, go for it. Like I'm dead. I don't fucking care. You know what I mean? Like I I want you to have the best. I get to see you get railed from heaven. Yeah, I'm a ghost. Now I get to jerk off to that. This is across the veil. Yeah. You're going to hear instead of who it's going to be like, whoo, whoo. But for real, like, I would want my partner to be happy. And I think your husband also probably does.

But you probably need to look very closely at like why you're doing this, how you're doing this. Yeah. It's like the depth of grief that me and Dane aren't qualified to bring you through in the next seven minutes before the episode ends. That's, I think that also like you bring up a good point of being like, it might be useful to speak to a therapist or a mental health professional about this and be like, here's where I'm at. This is what I'm feeling. And just sort of like talk it through because through a simple conversation of someone who knows what they're doing and is a professional in that field might be able to walk you through some like steps of being like, you're feeling this way because of this way, because of this way. Do you still feel that way now that we've gone through

this journey? Because it might come to the end of it, be like, oh yeah, no, I'm literally just trying to fill a hole by getting a hole filled. Well, it's like what? Anger, denial, bargaining, grief, or like sadness, acceptance, and horny. So like maybe you just went straight to six. I would say that horny is So like maybe you just went straight to six. I would, I would say that the horny is probably before acceptance. In this case, probably. Oh, this is just speed run. She speed ran grief. She was like, no, I'm good. In the like educational documentary wedding crashers, there is a point where they explore the concept of using sadness as an

aphrodisiac. So, you know, there is scientific precedent for it by the Dr. Chas Reinhold. Exactly. So it's a question we can't answer because there isn't like respect isn't usually like disrespecting someone isn't just like an action. It's not a very specific thing. Every situation has a different, you know, some people feel disrespected if you hug another person in their relationship. Other people are like, let's invite that person into our bed and the three of us have sex. It all depends on the person. It's going to depend on you. But I do think you really need

to explore where you're at in the grieving process. But like, I assume your partner would want you to be happy. So keep that in mind. And you're also like, it's a timeframe, right? Like, and I think a lot of people struggle with this, even after like a breakup of being like, is it too soon for me to like booty call someone, even though I broke up with my partner like a day ago, a week ago, however long, like how long should I wallow in misery before I allow myself to feel pleasure or happiness? And a lot of that is external factors more so than internal, right? It's like, oh, is it bad?

Like, will I look like an asshole if I'm, you know? And I find some people are really good at gauging when to hop back on the horse, as it were. And some people are really bad. Some people do it too quickly because they feel like they should. I'm sure a lot of people put it off because they feel pressure not to yeah So I can't tell you when that is because each person has a different time in that scenario And this is a far more intense scenario. Yes. Yeah, so

Don't look for concrete answers from someone because as now said you are the only who can, who can be the person that says it's okay. The only way I will say this from my point of view, the only way I can see you disrespecting your husband is if you go and do this and then proceed to be like, Oh, your Dick is so much better than my husband. And then like, tell your friends that he was bad in bed and you know, you're now frail. You know what I mean? Like, can you imagine being this really supportive husband ghost and you're like,

yes, get in there. She's getting laid. And then the first thing she does is start badmouthing your dick. And you're like, you're, who turns into, so that's how, like, that's how you would dishonor someone. I think is if you, if you sort of like bad mouth them. Other than that, I don't think, you know, if you feel like having happiness and pleasure would be a disservice to your husband, I think you are maybe not ready

to pursue those things, because I think you need to accept the idea that like, you're allowed to feel these things Maybe your husband doesn't want that for you in which case he's an asshole Exactly, you can't disrespect an asshole. Make fun of his shitty dick all you want. Yeah, well don't do that anyway I feel like that's gonna be bad for everyone also maybe especially like you your husband ghost But also the guy you're sleeping with is gonna feel really uncomfortable

If you keep talking about your dead husband's penis. Yeah. Especially if you say it like that. Speaking of dead husband never fucked me like this. Have you seen the movie, Find Love, I think? Or Love Again, Love Again? It's a new rom-com that's on Netflix. It is so bad. It's so bad.

But it's about like this woman who, she literally like in the first minute or two of the movie watches her husband get killed by a car, like from the coffee shop she's sitting in and then like the entire rest of the movie. Everyone's like, oh, get over it. She it's not even that he died, which would be bad enough. She watches it happen. Yeah, she sees it.

Yeah, she sees this man get crushed by a drunk driver in the middle of the day And like the whole thing is just everyone being like her with this grieving bullshit again But then she takes like that like every movie where like the partner dies There's always like an overwhelming chorus of like it happened get over like an overwhelming chorus of like, it happened, get over it. Like, no. I feel like it's because you can't make something in two hours that accurately charts a course between. So you have to like, I don't know if everyone says to get over it, maybe the audience will

just believe it. Yeah. That's our suspension of disbelief. That's our bubble. The plot revolves around her texting like his number as like a process of therapy. So like, you know, almost like a diary being like, hey, husband, wish you were here. This happened to me today or whatever.

But some fucking asshole has heard his number now and like stalks her through the text and lies about it and starts dating her. And it's like portrayed as romantic. And I'm like, this is horrifying. I was worried he was going to be texting her back. That would be a ghost. Yeah. If he was either as a ghost or like I thought it was going to like, this is horrifying. I was worried he was going to be texting her back. That would be a ghost. Yeah. If he was either as a ghost or like I thought it was going to

like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I have this number. And then they'd meet up and like some right there. No, he stalks her, finds out who she is and like just like orchestrates meetings and then getting into our our Patreon.

I know we are. I was going to say we should have done it for Patreon, but I have an even better movie So keep your eyes on the horizons because that'll be coming soon Thank you everyone for sticking around staying listening being awesome. We are fuck buddies Feel like at the end of the episode we don't see who we are enough. Yeah, we have a live show February 20th We already mentioned it. It's at seven o'clock. You should come.

It's cheap. It's great. It's fun. We always have a great crowd. Everyone's so fucking lovely. It's it's just going to be a blast. So please come. You'll find tickets, links anywhere on any of our social

medias on our website. F buddies, podcast dot com. Bring a friend. Tell a friend if you can't make it. You know the drill. It's a great date night. You might not think like, oh, going to a sex and dating place thing is a weird thing to do with a partner.

We've had people bring first dates and have a really great time. We've had people bring like their husbands and wives. Like it's a very fun thing to do with someone that you are seeing and dating because it's fun. It's, it's, it's different. It's a, it's kind of like going to see a comedy show where you're also kind of like joking around with us as well. Like it's, yeah, there's like an element of interactivity, but on top of that, it's like, why I think it's a really good date night is,

and a lot of people have done this and said that it is, so it's not just me making it up, but like one, if you have views that are sex positive and similar to ours, it's a very good like yardstick to like test to see if your partner shares. Yeah, yeah. Cause if people are making jokes and we're like supporting women and like, et cetera,

and they're like rolling their eyes, uh-oh, right? But two, you're sitting down, you're getting a little tipsy, you're having fun, and all everyone's talking about is sex. So guess what? We're Pavlov, you're getting a little tipsy, you're having fun, and all everyone's talking about is sex. So guess what? We're Pavlov-ing you already. And we do an audience question thing, right? So you could even send in a question.

You'd be like, hey, I brought my hot first date. You could wingman yourself. I brought my hot first date today. I wanna go home and rock his fucking world. What should I do? And then when I'm reading out that question, guess what? You look him dead in the eye and you wink.

And then we'll catch it and we'll look them dead in the eye and wink and then we'll wink. That's three eyes. One boy. So many winks. Yeah. So anyway, we'll see you. We love you. Thank you, Josh Eagle and Harvested for their song, paper stars. Ready for some bad sex writing day? Yeah. This is going to be a bunch of excerpts from the one

book called Of Course I Love You Till I Find Someone Better by Durjoy Datta and Manvi Ahuja. I probably said those names wrong. I'm sorry. So I'm going to read all three and then we'll talk. But one of them, we'll talk about that even more than the other two. She wasn't even sexy anymore. Those glistening marble white legs now seem to have stretch marks marring them and her petite breasts seem to have retreated into her body. I noticed all that. That's the first one. Cool. I heard it's fine too. Lots of girls. I bet you will like it. She said and nudged me. Sure. I could have leered out wiggly tits in a club, but an option like that is more luring when you're no longer trying to get inside your girl's shirt. That's number two. Yeah. What's what's with the wiggly

tits? Exactly. That's the one we're gonna talk about And then the fact that smetri looked smoking hot and her floral spaghetti and the short pleated skirt that ended inches below her But wasn't doing me any good either the very purpose of this girls of the skirts existence easy accessibility and eventual get rid ability Was being defeated that night now If only she would get tipsy, start seeing things in double, and eventually be oblivious to my rendering her clothes useless. I might be a jerk, but many guys would agree with me on this. Nudity suits girls.

Mm-hmm. I don't know. I don't think that the jerk thing might be the fact that you want her to get blackout drunk before you do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now, yeah, I assume you're gonna bring up your, the game that we wanted to get black out drunk before you do it. Mm hmm. Yeah. Now, yeah, I assume you're going to bring up your the game that we played in which you used was it was yours, the one that said wiggly tits. Mine was the one that said wiggly tits. Right. Yeah.

And I just love that because I really thought that, you know, I thought I went too far. I thought I was being dumb. And it's like, you know what? I accurately was exactly as dumb as I wanted to be. And these people put it in the real book. The thing is, like, when I hear wiggly, I think side to side, right?

When I think jiggly, I think up and down. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So like, wiggly is just also like, when you think wiggly, you think like a worm, like an angry snake. Yeah, or like a dog wagging worm, like an angry snake. Yeah. Or like a dog wagging its tail.

Escape your grasp. Yes. Yes. Wiggle. Wiggle implies a, I think a goal. Wiggle is intentional. Yeah. Right?

Like I'm choosing to wiggle. Whereas if I was jiggling is a little bit more passive. Is it wiggle wiggle wiggle that's the song though and that is sexy never mind. But that's jiggling your body. But what is the boobs but the body of the chest? Well I don't think they're talking I think they're talking about their ass. Yeah. Right? Again I don't think wiggling tits is I don't think it's anything but hey you know what I'm willing to be proven wrong.

But the worst part is, this is by a man and a woman. Well, we can tell which parts were written by who. I hope so. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. Wiggle wiggle wiggle. you