F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 333 - The First Male True Crime Podcast

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

In this episode we laugh so hard we have to stop the show.  Topics include the perfect murder, not holding up your end of the love triangle, preventing poop dick, and an unforgettable blowjob. Join the Patreon!

I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations, turn them into sexy, sexy, sticky situations. We are sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions either online or sent in from our wonderful listeners, which does remind me we have a listener question.

Thank you, Brain. And we love what we do. We love you. We're going to do them right here today, right now. I'm the best at what I do. And what I do is the best. I feel like you were quoting something, but I just. Wolverine. That's fair.

Did you see he says that as much in the Marvel's rivals game? I figured like that would be the thing he says all the time. I'm so glad we're talking about Marvel's. Did you see the Canadian hockey commentator who started putting as many rivals quotes into his commentary as he could? No, that's incredible. It's so good. He's like, oh, a big hit from center state from center field center ring. I don't know, whatever the fuck it is. Hulk smash. And he's like, oh, it's a fuck.

I wish I could remember them. He's like, oh, it's a real pulse charge fire over here from the it's great. It it's very funny very good I'm always tickled by people that do that or like it's always weatherman I feel yes weatherman guy who does it weather people always will put in like crazy shit and I appreciate that um I'm gonna start us off with something like a little spicy but I guess we should say what we're talking about this week, which is, yeah, probably think my wife thinks I murdered her ex. How to prevent poop, Dick.

How bad is it to wear Rolex on a date? An unforgettable blow job. Also, can I just tell you, I also have that Rolex question. You little motherfucker that it's weird that this rarely happens. It is weird that it yeah, like it's been what three years and change and that it, yeah. Like it's been what, three years and change and we've, oh no, it's been six years and change. Three years? What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm so used to thinking about our other podcast and I was thinking three, Seven years. 300, you know? And an audience question, which I'm gonna fit in maybe after this one. So we probably won't do one of those questions. I'm going fast and loose today, man.

I don't know. I'm in a good mood. Else to PC 89. I think my 25 year old male wife, 23 year old female thinks I murdered her ex. A month ago out shopping with my wife and I ran into our high school boyfriend and his mom on the street. It was awkward. His mom made a comment about how good they looked standing next to each other.

Like it was meant to be. We said we were in a bit of a hurry as we're walking away. He said something along the lines of, Hey, we should grab coffee sometime. I didn't think too much of it at the moment. Sure. His mom was awkward, but they've been broken up for about seven years. And I do think he meant to just be friendly. We still had a quick check-in after where we both agreed it was awkward and that I

wasn't too upset and I wouldn't even necessarily mind the meeting for coffee provided it became clear, provided if it became clear he had feelings or was making advances, she'd cut him out. She wasn't even sure she'd want to take him up on it, so it was purely hypothetical. That evening I met up with some friends for drinks, it was home at 1 a.m. and the next morning my wife got a message from her friend that her ex died that night. We have a few more details. I shouldn't laugh at that. My wife got a message from her friend that her ex died that night with a few more details

A few more details over the next couple of days But it seemed he suffered from epilepsy and in a freak accident had a seizure fell and fatally hit his head as far as I know There's no foul play suspected or criminal investigation or anything like that. Why are you looking into it? Yeah, well you looking into a bud awfully convenient, isn't it? Mmm a freak accident sure in the week since she started acting really strange She hasn't been abnormally sad that he died but more like cautious and fearful around me She hasn't made any direct kind of or any kind of direct accusation But has been asking me a lot of questions about where I went drinking with my friends who I was with What time each person arrived and left etc?

She lately mentioned she wants to spend some time with a friend to catch up for about a week. I don't know how to address this. It feels crazy to have to ask her whether she thinks I murdered him or have to tell her that I didn't. I'm afraid to even bring it up and whether that would just feed into whatever she seems to be going through. Any thoughts on how to deal with this? Edit for the record, I didn't murder him. Exactly what a murderer would say. I thought this could be a nice change for us to solve a murder. Yeah. I mean, our good buddy, Trevor Campbell from You Made Me Queer has recently released, I believe today is the first episode as over this recording is the first episode of his

new show Queerial, which is an incredible name, which is a deep dive investigative podcast. So I think it's only fair that we beat him to the punch. Well, I guess, segue is being, he beat us to the punch, but we got to, I haven't listened to episode one yet. So maybe it's an intro and he doesn't start investigating until next episode, in which case we are beating him to the punch. We are beating. Ah, fuck you. No, I love you so much. Yeah, I think this is now what every person wanted from us two men with a podcast. It's a true crime podcast now. Like that's what we're doing. I don't think many men have true crime podcasts. No, because it sounds scary when we do it. When we go, hey, if I was to

kill them, it's canceled. If I was going to kill my wife, this is what I would... It's like, yeah, no, I think you can't. Someone's like, yeah, statistically, you're planning this currently. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, it's... Yeah, no, we're not allowed to do it. No. Which is fair. All right, well, so let's skip this question. Yeah. Look, I... You know what? I'm seeing this as like a Ben Stiller-esque comedy where a bunch of things have happened that he doesn't know about. So like he walked through like red paint or something. So his shoes have like a little splattering of red on them. He, you know, him and his buddies went out to old spaghetti factory and slurped some, slurped some skeetie and there's like, you know,

some red stains on his shirt, things like that. So her ex's name was Aaron burger. And she heard him on the phone when he came home really drunk saying, oh, I just killed a burger on the way home. I could murder a burger. Yeah. A burger. Oh my God. Blowing this thing wide open. This is another side tangent here. Have you,

have I ever shown you the pitch perfect, uh, like conspiracy video? No, but I already love it. Is it serious? No. Okay. But, but yes, it's done in the style of like those like early 2000s. Did you ever watch Zeitgeist? No. Or like any 9-11 conspiracy like YouTube video. It's done in the style of like one of those of like the like the dramatic piano, the like the slow zooms. And it's done very well because the coincidences that are in the movie for it, like someone still had to put them together. You know what I mean? Like someone still had to like see this. It's what I mean? Like someone still had to like see this.

It's it's one of my favorite things. If you're not sure what it is, it's if you just search Pitch Perfect Conspiracy Video, I think it shows up. I think there's too many, honestly, to to figure out which one it is. I think the actual video is like

Room 3, something like the so what's the conspiracy though? That Anna Kendrick was actually it's so dumb because Anna Kendrick had nothing she was just in the movie she wasn't making it but they they seem to imply that's like she wrote it um it's it's to imply that pitch perfect was a social commentary on 9 11 incredible and it's just so fucking good and And the final line is one of my favorite things. And I quote it all the time. I really love things like that, especially when it blurs the line between,

like, I can't tell if this person is making a very funny joke or has actually lost their mind. So my partner is involved in a lot of children's animation. And there's this subreddit called Daniel Tiger Conspiracy Theories, which Daniel Tiger is a kids show. And it's just become this subreddit for very in-depth, I guess, parents who've had to watch episode after episode after episode, who are now constructing their own maddened versions of what's going on behind the scenes and the interconnected realities between this character and that character.

And like, what does it mean that the curtains change color in that episode? Or like, why are there so many clocks in this house? And like, I think a lot of them are jokes. I think a lot of them are just the failing gasps of a tired, desperate mind. Yeah. Yeah.

It's incredible. I mean, this thing is like, you're sleep deprived. You're probably hungry, probably dehydrated. So yeah, well you start seeing, it's like when you start like thinking of a specific like color or number or something, then all of a sudden you see it over and over again. Or like weirder is when someone's like, Hey, have you ever seen that movie like balls bridge? And you're like, what? No. And then eight people talk about that movie in a week. And it's a movie from the seventies. And you're like, what? No. And then eight people talk about that movie in a week and it's a movie from the

seventies. And you're like, why? It's crazy that you still haven't seen Balls Bridge. There's a place in Ireland actually called Balls Bridge. That doesn't surprise me one bit. And I don't know why I thought of that, but Hey for the next week, Shout out to Balls Bridge Ireland. All right. Solve this crime, please, Dan. Yeah, I do think it would be funny if

there were like elements that you weren't aware of that have also like pointing towards you towards murder. Like when you came home, you found a hammer on the street and you were like, nice. And then you go home and you're like,

oh, my wife's going to be like, why did you bring this dirty hammer home? So you like dug a hole in the back garden and hit it. You like put it behind a shelf. Uh, even more funny is if she's cautious and fearful around you, because she's like, oh no, what if you die? And he's like, well, she thinks I killed him.

Yeah. It's a wild jump to be like, my wife is acting weird after someone she knew who we just saw died You know a thing that would affect anybody I think and just be like damn it. She thinks I'm a murderer Thanks, I did it but maybe you weren't as chill as you thought you were Hmm about this boyfriend like were you just fucking like dead-eye shark staring at this guy just being like well Were you just fucking like dead eye shark staring at this guy just being like, well, so the thing is, you know, there's like, we had a quick check in after and I'm like, okay, that's healthy or is it then we'll do an ad break here because, you know, they get a lot of money. So we were just discussing.

No, but like the check in that either is you're really healthy and you're just like good at communicating or she knows like we have to because you're upset by this. And he does say a very interesting thing here. He says, right, are you ready? Yeah, this isn't me just trying to scan it to try to find it. I'm starting to think it is just you trying to scan it to find it. I literally would never do that. We had a quick check and we both agreed it was awkward.

And I wasn't too upset. Yeah, it's a little like you were upset. And appropriately in your opinion. So it's like you're walking down the street, you meet someone she dated in like high school and you have to check in and you're like, I'm not too upset. What happens when you're too upset? Do people have freak accidents?

Yeah. Do people all of a people have freak accidents? Do people all of a sudden have a seizure? Now here's the thing. What happened to this mom though? How's the mom doing? How's the mom doing? Or was the killing the son? Cause really the mom is the one that crossed the line. Yes. And if anyone deserves to die, it was her. The thing is you got to follow the money. You always got to follow. Who stood to gain the most from his death.

Was it the mom or hear me out? Maybe they never changed the will in which the girlfriend was the beneficiary of all of his money. This is a great point because he has an alibi. He was out. He was with people. He was presumably seen. There was probably a CCTV. You could check his blood alcohol levels. These are all things right. Where was she? He was with people. He was presumably seen. There was probably a CCTV. You could check his blood alcohol levels. These

are all things, right? Where was she? Where was she? Confining that she was left alone and now all of a sudden she wants to go away for a week? Yeah. Lay low. She wasn't even sure she wanted to go out for coffee with him because it would be too awkward. Awkward enough to kill. Yeah. How deadly was this awkwardness? Yeah. Did she? Yeah, did she? How much did she want to avoid this?

So much that she bludgeoned a man's head in? And make it look like an accident? And blame you? And hey, being epileptic isn't something that you can look and see. You know who would know that? Someone who knew his history deeply. Exactly. Blunders.

Hey, my dude, I think you're dating a murderer. Yep. And this is why men don't have serial killer podcasts. This is episode one of Dating a Murderer. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I love that you've gone from do I have to tell her I didn't kill her ex instead of being like, hey, are you OK? Can we check in? Are you good? Like, you know, grief makes people feel weird ways

and express themselves strangely. You're also like, she's not too sad, but she is acting entirely differently. And wants to go spend a week away to catch up with a friend. Hey, do you think that maybe running into someone she used to know, reinvigorated a need to reconnect with the people that once meant something to her because we realized that our time on this mortal coil is a fleeting experience and that any one of us could be ripped from it at any point in time. Or maybe this woman needs like someone to console her

and her boyfriend is so useless that he sees her grief and is like, I think she thinks I'm a killer. He's too busy putting together one of those cork boards to prove that he didn't kill the. Yeah, which just makes him look more suspicious. Yeah, like, dude, I feel like you need to console this woman and like also get a lawyer and don't speak with the cops or present without them. I like that you keep calling her this woman. It's got strong male podcast energy. No, that would be this female.

That's true. That's a very good point. Give me some credit. Okay. Another side. Did you see the new deputy director of the FBI as just a right wing podcaster? Yeah, it's Dan Benz. Dan Bozinga. I don't know who Dan Bozinga is, but we are closer than ever to being the heads of intelligence agencies. I think he did work with the secret service for a while. So I think there is doubted

I think he did but he's a fucking idiot. He's he's a dumbass you heard it here first Dane Trump apologist He had a show on Fox and then follow. So here's the thing Fox canceled him because he was too shitty Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, that's a and people were very upset about it. I'll bet. Okay. We can't talk about this too much. No. Can communicate with your partner.

Stop being a fucking freak. Uh, how to prevent poop dick. So personally, I think I've become pretty good at preparing for anal. I always eat a super light breakfast using enema three to four hours. It says three, it looks like 3 quarter hours, but I assume it means 3-4 hours. Before anal sex, everything usually goes real smooth. No mess or poop. Ever. But the other day my man put an 80 inch dildo up my ass, my first time doing this, while he fucked me in the vagina. It was great.

After we were done I took the dildo out of the bathroom and there was shit all over the tip of it. I was thinking, thank god he didn't take it out during sex. I made sure I was all cleaned out down there earlier, and didn't enema until the water was clean, like always. I'm so confused why there was poop at the end of the dildo. The dildo was slightly longer than his dick, so maybe it reached deeper in my ass than usual? But, oh sorry, did I not push the water deep enough for the enema? Should I just not eat it all that day? I don't want this to happen again. It was disgusting anal prose. Please give me advice

I'm not saying that I don't think we're anal prose, but maybe I don't know. I don't know if you saw you now No, it's I'm an anal amateur. I would say what's what's the mid levels when you're not an amateur or a pro? Like a journeyman a dabbler? No, that's no that's amateur That's even worse. Maybe yeah Yeah, that's not a fucking criminal that's my favorite DC villain That was what they were like really stretching for Batman villains really gaping for them. I mean stretching for them same thing for Batman villains. Really gaping for them. I mean stretching for them. Same thing. Yeah, I'm a mama. Yeah. Look, you can't go to Poop's house and be sad when he's home. I'm going to repeat this for the rest of my life to everybody. If you're going to do anal sex, you have to be-

He does. All the time. Even unprovoked. You, you always, the first thing you say, you shake people's head and be like, hey man, good. Nice to meet you. My name is the Spain. You can't be mad at poops home. You can't. You cannot be like if you're having anal sex, that is just a risk you have to be OK with. Right. And it's great that you're putting in all this effort. But like then going to like, oh, I can't eat all day like that. That sucks. That's going to affect your life.

Probably there's it's not going to be great. You have to tread the fine line where it's like, it seems like you're doing as much as you can, but it's like, look, shit happens literally in this case and you need to be okay with that. And the thing is, are they? Cause this is you, right? I think anyone who is going to be doing anything

with butts, if you're grossed out by poop, then what are you doing? You are diving head first like Scrooge McDuck into the poop faults. That's where the poop is. It's where it is. It's where it lives. It's where it's created. It's the factory. Am I wrong? I mean, anatomically, yes, you are incorrect, but- Okay, but you know what I mean. Metaphorically, I'm completely correct.

Yes, metaphorically, you are correct. That is- Yeah, we speak a lot of metaphors here. Rather, less atomic. Yeah, you get it. Just, look, yes, you could just, you could not eat. You could douche more, I guess, or longer, or deeper, or whatever. But you're probably doing everything you can do short of not eating. And it's like at a certain point, you got to figure out like, what is it worth to you?

You know? Yeah. And like, I understand that like you may be grossed out by it because you had a certain set of expectations of like, I did all the things that I do and it's always worked in the past. I'm upset now that it didn't. But as Nell said, it's like, you have to understand that like, again, if any sort of like sexual experience, if you're using a certain body part, there is, you

know, it'd be like, you're grossed out that cum came out during sex and being like, you can have a semen aversion for sure. That is a thing that happens. But don't jerk off a dick. Yeah, you can't you can't engage in sexual activity and then be like, it was disgusting. His penis ejaculated. It's like, well, yeah, you were doing the thing

that makes it happen. Yes. So, you know, you have to grow up a little bit, I think here. Yeah, it's like people getting upset if you fart during sex or at all or like, you know, you just need to realize that this is again, as Dane said, you're going to where that thing is. As Dane specifically said, the factory, you know, if I bust into a cereal factory and

there's fucking Rice Krispies there, do I get upset? Probably. I do. The heights Rice Krispies. I fucking hate that's why you busted into the the cereal factory. The shut it down. The shut it down. What are we doing?

I don't know what we're doing, man. So I don't think there's again, it's all your mileage. If you want to put in this extra work to really make sure this never happens, you can. Do I recommend it? No, you couldn't pay me enough to not eat. Yeah. And the thing is, is like, okay, you may have learned that perhaps eight inches too large for your poop aversion. If you don't want poop, use a smaller dildo, right? Like, I don't know if that's how it works, but maybe it is. I don't know either. I'm not sure, you know, how deep the factory goes. If you know what I mean yeah if you know

you've cleared out the floor but they're in the head office yeah they're in the there's always shit in the head office of my right a rich I don't know what we're doing anymore I think you just got to deal with it deal or okay you know you have two options deal with it which I think is very reasonable given the fact that you're in Poop's home. Or, you put in the work which you've kind of suggested, which I don't recommend because it sounds like it's gonna suck.

And I know people, I know a very prolific power bottom who doesn't eat for an entire day, does douche, does all this stuff, and it's like, then if whatever happens by the end of the day, this sexual encounter doesn't happen, they're fucking miserable because they're like, cool, I suffered all day and that didn't even happen. I'm like, it's like then if whatever happens by the end of the day this sexual encounter doesn't happen They're fucking miserable because they're like cool. I suffered all day, and they didn't even happen. I'm like it's not worth it No, it's not worth it and the third option is you stop having anal sex if you like you right like yeah Don't want to see poop stuff stop stop playing in the poop. I've solved it

Okay, get a brown dildo, and you'll never. You'll never know. You'll never know. All right. This is an audience question. Okay. This is by Messi Macaroon. Sorry, Agent Messi Macaroon. I'm pregnant. My two exes are dating and I'm struggling to be the supportive friend they want. I, 37 year old female, am having a hard time balancing my emotions while supporting two

close friends who started dating, both of which are my exes. Sarah, 36 year old female, and I have been friends for 20 years. We dated briefly when we were in high school. She was my bio awakening and my first heartbreak. Ethan, 34 year old male, and I have been friends for 15 years and dated for two years in our mid twenties while living in Korea. It was my first serious healthy relationship, but it ended because we moved back to different countries and he wasn't willing to do long distance or relocate.

Both breakups weren't easy, but we moved past them and stayed close friends. Sarah and I live in Montreal while Ethan is in London. They hooked up when Sarah visited London for work. England, not Canada. When I found out, I felt super triggered. Old feelings of abandonment and not being enough came back hard. I'd be going to therapy and talking to both of them to work through it and I am doing better but healing takes time. They've been together for 9 months now and Ethan moved here to be with Sarah a month

ago. Recently he told me I should be over it and more supportive. He compared it to when I started dating my now husband saying he moved past that and even visited us years later. But it feels different. He had no relation with my husband and I have loaded history with both of them. I didn't think I was being a bad friend. I invite them to events, talk to them and try to show I care. But it is true I haven't been

super excited or involved in their relationship and they see that as me being distant or unhappy for them. I'm also 25 weeks pregnant and honestly most of my energy is in my own emotions, my baby and my husband. I told them this but they still feel I'm not giving enough. I'm happy that they found love with each other and don't want them to feel unsupported But I also can't force myself to be a hundred percent. Okay How can I support them while still honoring my own healing and current capacity any advice is really appreciated you are Based on this question too nice of a person What the fuck are these two doing and I say that I don't think there's any harm like if

People can fall in love with whoever they fall in love with, people could date whoever they want. I'm not here to be like bro code. I'm not here to be like, don't date your exes. I'm not here to be like, you can't do that. Whatever. You're all adults. You're all capable of making your own decisions.

There's a couple of things I think that should be mentioned. One, if I started dating one of your exes, I think that that I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't okay with that. Right? Like it's a very common thing that if you date someone's exes, it's, it could be weird. No one's going to be surprised by that. Look at TV or any story or anything. It's like, it's a commonly known like, Ooh, for sure. Right? So if you were, if we then extrapolate it to the point of being like, oh, I dated you and he dated you.

And now we're both going to date each other now to wrongs. Right. You must have math. Now you must understand that, like, again, that's a that's a very murky field of emotions that could be upsetting for any person in that triangle. Yeah. So to sort of like be unaware of that seems shitty. Yes. And that's the thing because your friends are.

You're either unaware, in which case you're kind of an idiot, or you're pretending you're unaware because you know you did something bad, and either one is bad. Or you're being like, I understand that this is bad, but it shouldn't be that bad for you because you're my friend, which I think is the shittier option, right? To discount someone's feelings, despite the fact that you almost guaranteed, regardless of how cool you I love that they're dating. I it's I'm over it. It doesn't matter. There's still a part of you that's going to feel a little, a little wobbly about it.

Even if you're just getting used to the new dynamic, you know what I mean? Like that itself, it's, you know, yes. So simply put, you are in the, like you are right to feel the way you feel. Sure. And I think they are wrong for discounting that. Yes, absolutely. But then you add into it, like there's so many like layers of things

that just sort of like need to be addressed. And I think hopefully you will find validating. Two, you invite them to shit, right? You are still an active participant in this friendship. You hang out with them, you spend time with them, you invite them to things that you're doing. You don't have to do that. And if you were, if you were super uncomfortable and super sort of like

against what's happening, I assume you wouldn't do that. So unless you're inviting them to these spaces and being really shitty to them or being really weird with them, then I don't see how they can, they don't have any ground to be like, you're not giving enough, you're not doing enough. Also like where's their side of things, right? You know what I mean? Like, are they also returning the favor? Are they also, because it sounds like you're the one putting in the effort. Yeah.

And then finally, you have a child, right? So or you're going to have a child, you're having a child, you're in the process of having a child. That child's in the factory. Childs in the, in the baby factory. So like one hormones are going fucking crazy, right? Like everyone knows that that it's not an easy thing to do to bring a life into this world and hormones make it crazy, make you more emotional,

more whatever. So it's like you're, you're dealing with a already pretty like high intensity emotional situation. Now you're playing with like a cocktail of hormones that, that could amplify that and, and twisted and whatever. But for them to be like, you're not giving enough to us, I completely third party relationship while you're pregnant is a crazy thing to say to someone. Yeah, we're, we're in the honeymoon phase and we're having a blast because it's an early while you're pregnant is a crazy thing to say to someone.

Yeah, we're in the honeymoon phase and we're having a blast because it's an early relationship and you're not giving us enough right now, which like, what do you want? That's my question. What do you want? It's like this, like I haven't been super excited or involved in the relationship. Cool. That's what I want. Like if I have a relationship, like do I want you getting involved in like when I started dating?

My current partner was like Dan you're not involved The chair is sitting empty and no one's you know, I guess I'll be the boy our chair really But I don't think like I can't think of any time. I've been very excited and involved in another person's relationship Yeah, obviously when you and your partner started dating, I was hype because I really liked them and it was, it was a crushing defeat for me. Um, you know, she made you happy and I saw that and it was, it was all the good things and I was, I was, you know, excited, but like the, the time you told me was a pretty much like the extent of my excitement, like, yeah,

it's like, oh, I'm happy for you later later. Just being like I can't get over how fucking hyped I am that you're dating this and especially like this is nine months now, so it's like nine months in where you oh fuck Yeah, still not over it. Love it. It's almost been a fucking year Yeah, you wanted to be about it and also she doesn't have to be excited because you're her exes Yeah, and okay cool at all about yes is a blessing Yeah. And you want her to be about it. And also she doesn't have to be excited because you're her exes. Yeah. Okay. She's even cool at all about this.

Yes, is a blessing. So recently he told me I should be over it. That sucks. That's not nice. This is the thing. I'm little, I'm in the murky area of like, if he's telling you to be over it, maybe you're doing something that is strange, right?

Like maybe when you do invite them to these parties, you get weird with them, at which point it's like, maybe he's being like, well, if you're going to invite me to this stuff, like you need to, you need to be over it, which I do agree with, right? Like you, if you're going to engage with them, if you're going to keep them in your life and involve them in your life, then you do have to get over it. Yeah, I guess it needs to be genuine. So I think my question, or like my advice here would be like, with regards to the get over it thing, and the haven't been super excited

or involved in the relationship, I would need like receipts. I would need like, what is it that I need to get over? And what is it that I'm not doing that you feel like I should be doing and then try to be honest with yourself because if they're just saying vague things and you don't understand why they're saying them, how are you going to move on? But if they're saying like, oh, you need to do X, Y, or Z and it's fucking unreasonable, then they're the issue. But if

they're saying you invite us and then you don't talk to us or you invite us and then you spit in our drinks, you understand maybe hopefully yourself that you're doing something weird there. Yeah. You know, unless they want you to spit in their drinks. Yeah. Unless it's some sort of a drink spitting party. Like a spit factory thing. That's what we call them. Yeah, exactly. So I think that's like you need specifics here. If you're confused,

if you think they're being unfair, try to get them to be like, okay, you're saying this, can you please illustrate to me how it's X, Y, and Z? And then take a minute to try to be very true and honest with yourself and being like, is what they're saying fair? Is it not fair? And then respond in kind, being like, hey, I don't agree with that. Or you're right, yes, I could do X, Y, or Z, you know? Yeah.

Because like, I don't think there's any harm in also saying like, you said, you're, she said, she's talking to like a therapist and stuff and working through. Right. Yeah. So I don't think there's any harm in being like, Hey, I love both of you. I'm happy you found each other. It's going to take me some time to process this during this time. I think we need to take a little break.

I think we need to pause it. So it's like, if I don't invite you to social outings, please don't take it as a negative thing. It's just that I just need to protect my personal peace. I need to protect my mental health. I'm in the process of having a baby. So I need to do what's good for me. And when I'm ready, I'm open to pursuing a friendship

with the two of you. But right now, I don't think I'm in a space that is going to be productive for either one of us. I don't want to be shitty to you. And I don't want to feel bad. And I think that's a very fair thing to say. It does sound like these people, if what you're giving us is a pretty accurate snapshot, aren't going to take that well. And I think at that point in time, that's another step you need to explore with your therapist to being like, how do I let these people go because they don't serve me? Yeah. And like, yeah, it sucks because we would tell you probably like to do what you're doing,

right? If you weren't, if you didn't say that we were like, hey, maybe therapy would be an option, maybe whatever. But like, you seem to be doing all the right things and you seem to be quite like from what you've written, aware of your side and their side. So it sounds like you're doing well in this situation. I will say there is no harm to let them know, Hey, I'm dealing with a lot right now. I don't know if they figured that out themselves or if you've brought it up, but being like, I'm sorry, I'm literally giving birth and it's a big fucking deal and I'm

very busy. She said that though, didn't she? I'm pretty sure she said she was like Hey, I'm having a baby and I'm focusing on my husband and my baby and me right now Oh, they were like told them this but they still feel I'm not giving enough. Yeah, that's fair. That's wild Yeah So anyone I would never like because I couldn't begin to imagine what that takes aside from it being a lot, right? So to be like you're still not giving enough insane. And also you don't get to tell someone when they should have gotten over

something by. Yeah. That's a point I just want to make very quickly. That's not up to you. And the fact that you've decided arbitrarily, no, you should be over it by now. You know? Yeah. So, and I understand like the, the, the, we're getting to the age where people are starting to have families and settle down. And like, there is that sort of like friend death that happens when people have children, you got to tell your friends, a lot of friendships go, go by the wayside because like there's a finite amount of time and having

a baby is a lot of work. And, and, and those things where it's like, and a lot of people feel that, right? Like there's a lot of the second a friend gets pregnant, I'm just like, well, that's, that's probably it. Like, you know, like, and it's not to be mean and it's not to be judgmental or anything, but like it's nine times out of 10 accurate. Well, like your lifestyle changes so much, right? So all of a sudden you're going to be very busy raising a child and you know, things may not mesh as well, right? If you have to take a year where you're not really coming out, the next time you come out, like how much time do you have? What do you want to do? You know, if your lifestyles just don't add up anymore, which to be fair, there's friend deaths all the time once you hit like 20, right? Because the second you leave

college, yeah, essentially, or university, it university, it's a tough thing. And it's something that we, as a friend group, tried very hard to for a very long time. And even now, with our schedules, we're now getting to a point where we're once again finding it difficult to get the group together. And it's just a thing that happens when you get older. And you can't, at no point in time am I going to message one of my friends who I know is being overworked and struggling with that, be like, I don't think you're giving me enough.

Yeah. Like, I can't imagine a world in which I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't be able to do that, even if they weren't, you know what I mean? But like, we have a friend right now who's super, super busy and overworked and like the thought of reaching out to him and being like, I need more is horrendous because instead I'm reaching out being

like, hey, I know you're dealing with a lot. What can I do? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm just checking in. I just want to make sure you're all right. Yeah. Yeah. And like that's I think that's the sort of like give and take of what a friendship is.

Much. Where it shouldn't be this sort of, we're doing this and your feelings shouldn't matter anymore because we want this. And also we want more of you, despite how you feel. Like it's, it's just really bad and really shitty. So I think you are again, to give you a little bit of validation, I think you're doing the right things. I think you just need to maybe take it a step further

and pull the rip cord if you need to. I also feel like working in specifics can help. You know what I mean? It's very easy to be like, you're not doing enough. That's vague. What does that fucking mean? If they have specific problems with you, getting them on you know,

on paper as it were, is good for you to, to address them either in a, actually you're right. Maybe I have been falling down in this way or, uh, you're being ridiculous. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think you can't like, surmount challenges if they're not like concrete. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So good luck. That sounds tough. Yeah. And again, we're tough loving this year in the sense of if these people no longer bring you happiness and no longer serve you and are just there as a source of pain for you, cut them loose. Yeah, it's true. It doesn't matter if you're like trying to take this high road and you realize that like cutting them loose is gonna look like you're being shitty about the situation or whatever.

It doesn't matter if they're hurting you and like bringing you stress and doing whatever you know what I mean? Like fuck it. Who's gonna care? Just them. But they're gonna care anyway because you're cutting them loose. Exactly. This is from the doo doo warrior. I promise you this is another poop thing. Come on dude. We're going back to the factory man? No we're not. How do I give an unforgettable blowjob? Hi new at this. I haven't done it before besides one time and I couldn't do it well. Everyone says to use your lips but I just couldn't get that to work well. I'm gonna use a heating slash cooling gel to make it better. How do you actually do it well? Don't do the gel. Yeah. Hey. Don't do the gel. No. Well, now hold on. She does ask, how do I give an unforgettable blow job? You're not

going to forget it when one your dick starts feeling weird and two, you start gagging and choking because you've ingested this gel. I'm going to go ahead and guess is not meant to be ingested. I'm assuming there's probably like a cool lube, like a coolie heating lube. That's safer ingested. I'm assuming there's probably like a cool lube, like a cooling heating lube. That's probably safe for consumption. I don't know if it's safe for consumption. Not like, I don't know. Either way, I don't know who enjoys this

because the healing and cooling aspect of these stuff. I remember there was, what the fuck was it called? Winter's Coming condoms. But they spoke coming see you and had a winky face. There was like a little like it was like a little red like lip balm thing.

But you were meant to like you essentially like kissed it and it made your like lips tingle and it was meant for like nipples and you know oral sex and stuff. But it sucked so bad. I remember my, my partner, I believe in college, uh, we used it and we wrote like, she was like, my lips hurt.

I was like, my nipples and my dick. Yeah. Everything is so hurting right now. Well, there was, so acts released a, like, uh, a body wash that was like tingly like menthol or whatever and All the comments or all the reviews when it came out was like don't jerk with this Don't do it for people. I guess who just tried to jerk it in the shower and used body wash as lube I Think it's one it's a it's a specific thing

But two I do not think you should ingest it purely like even if it's safe. I don't think your mouth is going to feel great if it's burning and then cold. That's a very good point of being like, what does that feel on the inside? Exactly, exactly. Like, yeah, that's a good point. I don't think it's the way I wish we should earmarked that one fucking episode where we did the blowjob hand job like deep dive Because I want to just send people to that I think fuck the gel be I don't think we need to I here's the thing

I don't think we need to talk about how to give a good blowjob. Well, we've done it before. Okay Yeah, I think what we need. I think what we need to do is how to how to give an Unforgettable blow job, right? That's the that's the trick. We need to make this a blow job. This man will never forget. Okay. You put a, okay. Here, here it is. All right. You ready? Lie him down.

You say, Hey, I can get a little sexy with you, right? Tie him up, right? Tie his hands to the bedpost, put a, a blindfold on them so he can't see. And then while he's there, you turn a light into his face and you say, did you kill my ex? Did you do it?

Where were you on August 4th? Where were you? And he slapped his dick. And he's like, oh, he's still hard somehow. Oh my God. And then you start going and you're like, oh. Harder for some reason. Where were you?

I rocked a lot. That's your blow jobs. Beat that. And then if he doesn't answer your questions, now it's time for the fucking heating cooling gel. Now it's the heating cooling gel time. That's it's like when in movies where like the bad guys like torturing bond or whatever. Yeah. And then he's like, Oh, don't worry about me. You will not have to answer my questions.

You have to worry about the dentist. And then like a guy comes out and he's got like the like he opens the like thing. Yeah. You know, the thing that every torturer has. Of course. Yeah. The standard issue torture case. And then, you know, he starts pulling out like crazy shit. It's that. But instead, it's just various sensitive gels. It's the one it's just a duo heating, cooling.

This one's the tingler. This one's the burner. They feel kind of the same. Oh, oh. What the hell just happened? What did they do there? What did they do there? Go away!

What did they do there? Go away! What? Go away. What do they do? Oh, well. Does my do that? Oh, I'm sorry. OK, I understand. So now I've got a new way.

Is that I can use the for dramatic effect every time we record? Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. I understand. I'm going to use that for dramatic effect. Every time we record. Oh my God. Now I'll get a new webcam. And I guess there's a what else does it do? A gesture. It's flashing at me now. Oh, oh, it's following you. It's follow. It's not. Well, it was now the new webcam and it's got at me now. Oh, oh, it's following you. It's follow. It's not what was

Now the new webcam and it's got all these gesture features and oh Audio oh yeah, no we can't it's it's just Okay, oh my god, it it zoomed in so close. Oh man. Oh fuck. Oh, I don't even remember what we were talking about. I literally cried. Yeah, no, there's nothing we can talk about,

whatever question we were talking about, that's gonna beat that for me. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

The best is the camera's still just slightly like moving around. Is it? Oh god, that was... Oh boy. Like the new webcams is... I gotta figure out what those are. Yeah. Oh man.

So you can weaponize against them. Or weaponize against me. I would never. Why is it this? Oh that's the fucking best. I love this thing. So fucking funny. I'm real sad. Does my camera do that?

No, it'd be really funny if mine just zoomed through me and went to your apartment. Yeah, like like Thor's hammer. Oh, fuck. I guess that's it. I don't do anything. No, I think it's just left my body Thank you Josh Eagle the harvest these for the song paper stars. Thank you Niles webcam for just that was exceptional At its job. It's 10 out of 10. Oh boy. That was Good that got me It's 10 out of 10. Oh, boy, that was good.

That got me. I'm just really bummed mine doesn't do that now. I mean, just I just want to know what else it has. I feel like I'm Dr. Strange right now trying to bring up. Actually, maybe that works. I'm worried about like just like pointing doesn't do anything. No, that's not doing anything.

That doesn't though. no that's not doing anything so this was one right but it's weird cuz there was one that was started we can't do this on on air this is terrible yeah sorry I can't do it okay I we love you guys I don't even know if I can read bad sex writing right now. Yeah, Jesus Christ, my heart chest hurts now. This is a post on Twitter. I hate, oh no, Reddit? On Reddit, hate when females do this. Something I noticed females do all the time,

but men never do. When I'm walking in public, hand in hand with my boyfriend and a female walks past us, that always smile at us to let us know They're not homophobic seem so fake and forced men never do this. Just stop. There's no need to do it It's weird mind your own fucking business You know women here's the thing I I can understand the frustration of if if I'm to be empathetic here, if I was a same

sex couple, if everyone gave me like a phony smile every time I walk past, I think that would piss me off too. The old like, you know, white guy hiking past you like. Yeah, they're like, yeah, the flat, the flat smile. Somehow your mouth is completely flat like a frog, but still you're smiling. smiling it's a polite thing I don't think there's any negativity in it for sure I don't think there is either but I do understand that like it will get annoying I also think it's a reach to be like I know you're doing this to blah blah it's like you don't know that and hey also who's to say the men aren't

all being homophobic? It's true. I Yeah, I I don't know as a dude I always try to like make my space as less threatening as possible when I'm out on the street Especially if like I'm alone and it's a woman or or a same-sex couple or whatever By themselves like there have been times where I feel like accidentally been like, oh no, my headphones disconnected And now I'm blaring Carly Rae Jepsen. No, I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

So I don't know. I get it. But like I probably I probably do this and I'm sorry if that upsets you. I smile to fucking everybody unless you're being weird. Like you're being a fucking asshole. Yeah. If you have a dog, I'm ignoring you and I'm smiling at the dog. Stop trying to make your camera do things.

We love you. We love you very much. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Nal Spain. And we have been your fuck buddies. Don't do it. Fuck it didn't work.