F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 34 - Bum Jelly

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Hey, friends.  Have you got $100?  Can we have it?  We love you.  Topics include baby-making possibilities on Tinder, dancing away from your problems, thicc or thick, nightly blowjobs, best friend Tinder photoshoot, gettin' those hands on those titties, and more.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're here to guide your slide. No.

Okay, fine, we'll do your one. What? We'll do your one, the one you told me to do. Go on, start again. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am now Spain. We're here to pulp ya. I don't like it. Stop trying new catch pulp you. I don't like it.

Stop trying new catchphrases. I don't like it. We're going to do it right. Why can't we just stick with the original one? All right, fine. We'll sue the original. Hello, friends. My name is Damian.

And I'm now Spain with bags of dicks. Just for you. With bags of dicks? We got that. You wrote it. How are you forgetting it? Hello, friends. My name is Dane Miller.

And I'm Niall Spain. Just searching your cavities. And we're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Searching your cavities. Why'd you tell me to do all that? Shut your goddamn mouth. Never.

How's it going? Oh, you want to hear a funny story? Oh. No, that was so demure. No, we're good. Yeah, so do you want to hear a funny story? I guess. So I'm walking down the street on the way here, and this dude just sitting on the side of the road

looking like he's begging. Just goes, Can I have $100? I was like, no, man no man he goes i love you i was like i love you too and he like bowed deeply and that was it nice it was it was real weird but like did you give him a hundred dollars do you think i have a hundred dollars i don't know we do a free podcast. I'd make nothing. That's nice, though. At least he said he loves you. Yeah, no, it was really bizarre, but wholesome.

Then, like, a really deep bow. Nice. Get ready? Yep. This is from Dating Advice. A 32-year-old female, single and fertile, looking for someone to accept me? By you, BlessedCreation8. I have fertility issues. I'm thinking of trying online dating

and mentioning the subject in my profile. I just want to be upfront and honest. Anyone know any websites for infertile people and dating? Any advice on how to talk about my fertility issue? I mean, I'm going to try to be sensitive here, because it's a sensitive subject. But like, this is a much later

subject. Yep. This is, I'm all for like upfront, especially when you're like online dating and shit like that. Like it's kind of important to get some things out of the way early.

Like if you're in a polyamorous relationship, that's something that you kind of like disclose early. Your feelings on children or your capabilities of having children is something you deal with

when you find someone that's worth having that conversation yeah exactly because like it's when you start to get serious about someone that that shit matters and like yeah i guess this person doesn't want to like put in effort and find out like oh no i really want a kid and you can have one like whatever but like flip it imagine if no, I really want a kid and you can have one, like whatever. But like flip it. Imagine if I was like, really want babies. Yeah. On my dating profile, everyone would be like, okay, bye. No.

Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Yeah. Like on a first date, if you talk about how much or like how virile you are, if you're just like, oh, I'm just fertile as fuck, man. Oh man, you want to know how potent my sperm is? Touch my finger. See what happens.

80% chance. Yeah. Like it's, I mean, it goes back to that fucking guy who was diseased. Horribly ill. Yeah. It's like,

I mean, there are things you, you, you put out immediately and then there are things that kind of like come up naturally. Like, and the thing is like, this is anything but like marriage and shit.

You know what I mean? Like, like I personally have no interest in ever getting married. It's just not something that means anything to me. But I'm not going to, like that's not going to be my opening online dating line is, hey ladies, I don't believe in marriage. Yeah. You know what I mean?

To be fair, that might work. Maybe. I don't know. But it's also like, that's. At least a conversation starter on like I'm infertile yeah I've got a barren womb yeah like it's it definitely isn't one of those things I get people come from a place where they want to don't want to like waste their time or yours but like a date one date isn't gonna fucking ruin your life if you like waste one date or if you have like two weeks

and the thing is like if you have two two weeks. And the thing is like, if you have two weeks and you really get on well with someone and then it drops, they're like, Oh, I've been fertile. And you're like, shit, I really need kids. It's two weeks and you have fun. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Like you don't have to worry about someone else's time that much that you just ruin your chances off the bat by just oversharing. Yeah, no, it's just chill. Just take a step back and realize that like, there are things that can come up organically at a later time and there are some things that can't. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if you are like HIV positive or like that kind of stuff. Absolutely. Because there's a direct effect on your partner.

Yeah. If there might be sort of like an unpleasant conversation a couple months or like a year down the road where it's like, oh, you know what? I've actually changed my stance. Like, I would actually really like kids. It's unfortunate. But, you know what I mean? Like, it's something that isn't necessarily, like, it doesn't need to be addressed right away. Because the first thing that you do when you get into a relationship or start, like, you know, generating a relationship is discuss kids.

Like, that's so far down or at least it should be so far down the line yeah it's it's not something like i i love the way you put it earlier on is like when you're ready you have that conversation and that's the thing it's like you don't know this potential person you might not be having kids with them or not not having kids with them anyway so like if they're not worth it if you're not ready why are you having that conversation yeah so now just chill just for no one needs to know yeah oh yeah is it it could be it could be our little secret it's our secret shh don't tell them i mean i don't think it's quite as fun as you're making it see no hush hush i'm not playing this game with you

it's our little secret yes it's our secret i won't tell anyone except for everyone that listens to this podcast um oh man i've got a bunch of really funny questions this week i swear to god if you have the one i have, I've been saving up. This is coming from Reddit user SlicedBread35. I like it. Did I do the right thing? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

I mean, I feel like you might change your mind on this one. Go for it. I was on a second date with a girl, and she said, I'm a fundamental feminist. I demand the same from my partner. I don't just expect it, I demand it. I don't know why, but I danced away from the table. To brackets.

We were in a bar. I did the move in which you bend your knees and fist bump at your chest, and then did an Irish dig to the door. Oh, never mind. Fuck him. I just thought, oh dear, and went home. I work with a girl's friend,

so it was pretty awkward for a few days. He, he, uh, da-da-da-da-da, updates with, the girl I dated sent a few angry texts,

but didn't show up at my work to cause a scene or anything like that. I don't know why I danced away. I never dance, and I wasn't trying to be funny or show off. So this guy literally

just fucking jigged his ass out of the bar. See, when I first read the question I was like, he just kind of like went away from the table. But like,

literally just danced his way out of the bar and went home. I, I'm okay with all of this. I love it. You were in the right. Well, like,

apart from the fact that I know what his views on feminism are and if he just doesn't like it and that's why he did it then fuck him but but i'm turned off by the irish jig find that fucking offensive because i'll bet it was a bullshit haphazard horrid caricature of irish he also says i did the move in which you bend at the knees and fist bump at your chest which i have no idea what that is like the fucking wolf at wall street thing like is he i don't i don't know what that is i don't know dance move this all i can assume is he's anime punching himself back through the door

like he bends down like and just like flies backwards yeah maybe um they're my only questions but like honestly i I want to... Can we start a reality TV show where we just put this man in awkward situations? Yeah, just watch how he dances. Watch him spastically. Just, like, walk a door and see if he, like, maybe, like, dances towards a window. Yeah, like, what happens if he can't leave? He just dances, like, until he dies.

He's like... But the best thing is, like, he says that he never dances. Which is, like, it the best thing is like, he says that he never dances, which is like, it's such an amazing reaction. Have you ever danced away from a problem? Oh, I 100% have.

I feel like every Monday we went to the underground. Yeah, we danced. We sometimes danced away other people's problems. Yeah. I danced a man over a step. I twerked him until he fell over. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I definitely have. My, my thing, I wanted to address this because like again unless he's an asshole and it's like feminism is stupid

I think it's more the I demand it yeah yeah it seems especially the way like it's a crazy thing to say like you can demand anything off anyone yeah and like on a second date I mean I would get it if the dude's like I don't think you can demand anything off anyone. Yeah, and like... On a second date.

I mean, I would get it. If the dude's like, I don't believe in feminism. Yeah, well, that was my only red flag, but I'm pretty sure he would have said it if that was his point. Yeah. So I'm going to give him benefit of the doubt, I hope. And assume it was the... Just the way it came up and the demand and the... Because if you'd be like dating a vegan

and them being like I demand you like I don't expect you to be vegan I demand it I'd be like I mean I date a vegan I would just be like

nope like even if I wanted to become a vegan even if I wanted to do anything the second anyone tells me I have to do something I'm not gonna do it

yeah that's the thing yeah totally I think that's actually good advice if somebody demands something of you unless it's like i demand that you lick this pussy and it's like in fun sex times and you're like about to do it anyway and it's like yeah girl that's cool but like nah if anyone demands shit off you yeah no i mean like again it's totally fine to have expectations of your partner like again i don't

think it's unreasonable to expect the man that you're dating align with feminist ideology no he doesn't believe in equality for women then yeah no fuck him but um don't fuck him but you know what i mean i need to get a t-shirt with that made for you. Yeah, it's just one of those things where, like, just fucking, again, relax. Don't make demands of people. Yeah. And if someone makes a demand of you that you're not comfortable with. Dance away.

Dance the hell out of there. Oh, man. All the way home. I really want that to be a thing. Yeah. Again, no Irish jigs. Like, can we put that out there? Because I'll bet he doesn't know what he means when he said that. I don't know what he means. I was going to say, can you Irish jig? God, no Irish jigs. Like, can we put that out there? Because I'll bet he doesn't know what he means when he said that. I don't know what he means.

I was going to say, can you Irish jig? God, no. Nobody can. Is it Irish dancing? Because that's quite hard. And I bet he can't do it. Because you have to train for years. And he says he doesn't dance.

So he hasn't trained for years. I would pay good money to see you do that. Next time we're out, I'll bust some river dance. Perfect. I understand that. I'm pretty sure that was an American guy who some river dance perfect I understand that I'm pretty sure that was an American guy who created river dance

no Michael Flatley really or is it Lord of the Dance I think Lord of the Dance was an American guy probably yeah you know

culturally appropriated probably one of those things is anyway I can do my my good one before you fucking swoop in and read it out

yeah do it do you want to drop your phone not yet so this is by Anyway, I can do my good one before you fucking swoop in and read it out. Yeah, do it. Do you want to drop your phone? Not yet. So this is by user MakutaTerradex. He says, do girls like being called thick? How does he spell that? Weight.

I'm a 16-year-old male. And at my school, a lot of girls have recently been putting on weight, especially the popular group of girls. Almost all of them a year or two ago were super skinny, now nearly all of them have put on weight, brackets, in a good way. It almost seems like in order to be cool, you have to have a above average bottom. I'm trying to date one of them, and would I be a good idea to call them thick? And I'm sad that you asked the most important question before I even read the question, because the most important question is, how does he spell thick? Yeah. How do you think he spells thick?

See, I want him to spell it T-H-I-C-C, but I know he spelled it T-H-I-C-K. Yeah. So don't call him Thick if it's C-K. Call him Thick. Yeah. I'm going to say that was a joke. Never call anybody Thick. Yeah.

I don't think bringing up weight is ever a good idea, really, even if you're into it. Mm. Really? Even if you're into it? And if you're, like, that's the thing. By all means, you can be into it, but you can go about it in a different way. Like, hey, you're looking well. Yeah. That's beautiful. It's great.

A compliment is, as long as it's solicited, don't just sit in the hallway and yell compliments at people. Kneel behind them and, like, worship it and just say, tap booty. Praise the buns. Do the fucking salar tap boot yeah praise the bun yeah no like just just like tap booty no don't don't tap booty so let me tell you i I, no, but this is a joke. There was a hallway in my school that had a group of dudes who would literally sit on like the garbage can and just like yell shit at the girls that would walk past. Oh,

that's a fucking scene. A node mistake. Well, garbage can boys yelling. Like they're, they're a walking like caricature of themselves. No, it's,

it's like that fucking, uh, what's the movie that Jane Simon, Paul and clerks where there's like standing outside and just like yelling shit at women as they walk by. No, it's like that fucking, what's the movie that Jay and Silent Bob are in? Clerks, where they're like standing outside and just like yelling shit at women as they walk by. They're sitting on garbage cans.

One of them would only yell one thing to any girl that had like a decent little butt on her. And that was bum jelly. He would just go, a bum jelly! Man, like, it's so hard to be mad at him.

Because that's hilarious. I know. You feel like maybe he's ill. Maybe he's a genius because bum jelly is classic. I know. No, that's terrible. Why? Why?

I don't know. But that was like literally like at any time. And like the girls in the school would complain to the principal. And would, of course, do nothing. Would do nothing. And our principal was a woman. Yeah. And I'm sure she didn't help but hear him yell this word.

It was literally outside the office. Like, the office was at, like, one corner. And their, like, garbage can hideout was on the other side. Was she an accomplished puppeteer? What puppeteer? No. Was this a fake boy? Was it her yelling bum jelly?

Oh, that's why they're on the garbage can. Because she's in the garbage can. She's in the garbage can. I was wondering why he was made of felt. Yeah, and that's the thing. He had those dead eyes. Why else would she fucking cover this up? But yes, bum jelly was like...

That's so bizarre. And it ended up becoming a fairly school-wide joke. would she fucking cover this up? But yes, that was, bum jelly was like, and it like, it ended up becoming a fairly like school-wide joke. So I think we kind of like turned it against them. Yeah. But, but yeah,

no, that was, that was like, and I remember like, I remember actually losing my shit because he yelled at it like, when I was in grade 12. I also don't think these kids

like had a grade. I think they just kind of like lived in the garbage cans but he yelled it at like a grade 9 and like very clearly a very timid also very young yeah

girl and I like I lost my shit one day I was just like stop saying bum jelly to Winner like what the fuck's wrong with you it didn't change anything he just folded bonelessly back into the bin made a puppet-like sound and then your principal popped out of the bin covered in banana peel and was like then i got a detention yeah um we solved it um but no the actual question i don't i don't think no i think err on the side of caution. One person's thick is another person's thick. Yeah.

You know? I used to tell my girlfriend she had a fat ass all the time. And she didn't like it. No. And I meant it with the highest esteem. Like pH. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Also, don't say chub pus. They don't like that. Yeah. Yeah, don't say chub pus. They don't like that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't. That's some real advice. Yeah, no.

You can always have a workaround. I don't think you gotta say thick, because... I do want to have a quick aside here as well. That's the thing. I think it's pretty cool that like, like twig thin isn't required, uh, to be attractive. And that's not to say that like thin people can't be attractive. If you're not, I just like, it's, it's nice to know that. So you're not, so you're all about that base. No trouble.

Uh, I'm, I'm done with some trouble. It's gotta be equalized. As long as it's's as long as it sounds good you know what i mean i thought you were gonna say it's really cool that a 16 year old is going online to get advice on what to call a girl so as not to offend her and i love that also also really cool that's kind of fucking great right yeah respect to this guy um instead of just sitting on a garbage can yelling but jelly yeah jesus i mean that's that's the thing like before reddit was around this this kid could have been another bum jelly do you know what that

guy what bum jelly's doing now like is he our mayor no i i didn't even know his real name like when i went to school he was a puppet i guess maybe he's on avenue q maybe oh maybe he's the porn monster uh Yeah, no, I, like, these guys, I don't think ever went to class. They literally,

like, every time I'd ever gone through the halls at any point in time, and I've told you how fucked up my high school career was. They would just yell bum jelly at you. Oh, I mean,

why wouldn't they? But yeah, like, no matter what time of the day I was going through the halls at, they were there. Yeah. So I don't even know if they were students.

That's fair. Just grown-ass men just chilling in a garbage can in high school. Okay, my turn. Or is it? Yep. This is going to be a quick one. This is from user Sunny Nightmares. And she asks,

Do guys get tired of blowjobs? Ever since starting to live together, I've always wanted to suck my husband every night once our daughter sleeps. Most of the time, it would lead to sex. Sometimes he would return the favor, too. But I'm just wondering, what if he gets tired of me giving it to him every day? He says it gets him excited every time, and he won't ever complain. I'm just wondering if I should just lessen it for him to want me more.

Any thoughts? Do people get bored of fucking sex? No. Do guys get tired of blowjobs? No, but I'm saying, do people get bored of sex? It's a question that will illustrate my point. Yes. No.

No. So, people get bored of blowjobs as much as they get bored of sex. Yeah. I mean, like, people can not be in the mood for it. Yeah. Which is totally fine or the only issue that i think ever arises when you're getting a blow job is that you're like shit i also want to fuck you yeah so it's like do i call it quits right now and then we we commence the fucking or do i keep going for a little bit longer but then or do you pull the move from the

sex writing from last week two weeks ago where you wait until you're just about there and then you get her to fill her cheeks full of lava yeah and then just uh just give her that one old just the one good old-fashioned college pump and just be like did it no that's like and to be fair doing one when she's as hot as the sun probably probably quick you know get in get out don't burn too much, right? Yeah. You don't really want to scald your dick flesh. Man, if you didn't listen to whatever episode we're referencing, you have no idea what the hell we're talking about. I just realized you pretty much have to listen to every episode to make any consecutive episode any way make sense. Because we don't even just do pure episode callbacks.

We do like entire fucking back catalog fucking throwbacks. Infinite sex arms. There you go. Do you get that? that if you do that's episode two pat yourself on the back multiple times because you got damn arms um yeah no i don't i don't want to sound cliche here but i don't think anyone would ever be like another blow job again do you get tired of someone going down on you? Do you get tired of lickouts? I doubt it. The only, like, again, the only thing I can think of is, like, there are times where if I'm just so fucking tired or, like, sometimes you just want to go to bed. But I can almost guarantee, like, nine times out of ten, a blowjob would change my mind about that.

Yeah. And the one other time, if I didn't immediately say no, by the time it started, it also would have change my mind about that. Yeah. And the one other time, if I didn't immediately say no, by the time it started, it also would have changed my mind. That's 10 out of 10. Yeah. Um,

also it's like, I think the only issue might be the, like the schedule in that, like, have you ever been like, we're going to have sex at three o'clock? It's like, okay, cool. Sex is sex and whatever. But like, it kind of takes like, we're going to have sex at three o'clock? Yeah. It's like, okay, cool.

Sex is sex and whatever. But like, it kind of takes a little bit of the fun. So when it becomes like this rote kind of regular routine, I don't think it's ever bad, but it does kind of take a little bit of the magic out of it. And that might be the thing. Well, I've brushed my teeth and I'm in bed. You haven't brushed your teeth yet. So now it's blowjob time.

And then we'll see what happens from there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I haven't brushed your teeth yet. So now it's blowjob time. And then we'll see what happens from there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that sort of takes away. It's like, oh, it's blowjob o'clock. This guy puts his daughter to sleep at like 5 p.m. Just like, go to sleep.

Get the fuck in. Daddy needs a blowjob. Yeah. Also, that's the thing. You're getting aavlovian response to your husband putting his daughter to bed on blowjobs do you want to link those things yeah i don't know yeah i mean like again i'm not trying to convince this that sounded weirder than it meant to like i yeah i'm just realizing you could take that a different way i know what

you meant yeah i did not mean anything but i'm going to cut out just that part and put it on youtube change my tone and just make it sound real weird yeah um yeah like by no means am i going to try to convince like if you're if you actively want to pleasure your partner sexually and they are willing to accept that pleasure by all means fucking go for it if it if it's not broke don't try to fix it um but at the same time uh there is there is something to say about sort of like getting to a schedule of things and like knowing that sex can only happen between like these hours or under these circumstances or and that's the thing is like as much as i just said like a schedule can be bad i think maybe when you've got a kid it's very important to to savor those times and like actually like make like it's probably the opposite

to what i said where it's actually probably really healthy to have uh like a system in place you can actually continue your sex life because yeah you don't have the spontaneity really yeah chances are you're not having morning sex like that's probably sort of out of because that's probably a danger zone yeah if you get up early which i doubt you are because you're probably not getting that much sleep then you never know when they're gonna burst in exactly you don't have to disengage under the sheets yep and avoid some therapy yeah talk about pavlovian yeah jesus um so maybe this is actually the best yeah i mean i don't i don't think there's any downside to this again i don't think he's ever going to be like getting into ben being like oh fuck here comes another blowjob he's gonna say that about as

much as you're gonna say about lick outs yeah you know um assuming they're both good you know unless you're just biting on it yeah i mean i i think i think if you guys have found a system that works for you and both of you are enjoying it do not try to change it yeah don't try to play any sort of like games like i'll leave i'm gonna take him like i'm just not gonna do it for a week so that he wants it well that's the thing we haven't even addressed the should i not do it so he me more. That's a bag of shit right there. That's not fair to your husband. I don't think because you're playing games with him for like,

how are you? Yeah. He literally says in the question, um, uh, I've always wanted to suck my husband every night. Yeah. I mean,

so like, if it's something you want to do, do it. Again, I don't, the, the frequency of it is, isn want to do, do it. Again, I don't... The frequency of it isn't going to change... No. ...how much he enjoys it.

No. And, like, if a dude is like, no, no, no, I'm totally down for getting a blowjob every night, believe him. Yeah, he's... I really don't think he's pulling any sort of manipulative tricks on you on this one. It's hard to trick your dick. He could say a lot of things

yeah but like unless there are other issues at play if he doesn't want to get sucked it's it's gonna go to sleep you know what i mean like again not saying every time that happens it's you know but like in general if he has a he doesn't have any other issues or whatever like and he's saying yeah like i'm down with it and his dick is standing to full attention, you're probably good to go. Yeah. I don't know what I'm saying. They've checked all the box. T.T.D.

She's asked them about it? Trust that dick. You know what I mean? They've communicated. He's like, no, no, this is fine. I'm down with this. Trust your hubby, girl. Yeah, you guys are good.

Man, can you imagine if we just ruined this guy's life, and we're like, yeah, no, he doesn't want it. Stop the blowjob. Well, that's like- I read through some of the comments, and's life and we're like, yeah, no, he doesn't want it. He stopped the blowjob. Well, that's like, I read through some of the comments and some of the people were like, yeah, definitely like scale it back so that he, so it's more of a reward. I'm like. A reward? Oh God.

And that's, I'm like, sex shouldn't be a like. A reward? Like relationship currency? Or like a cause and effect thing where it's like, if you clean the house, gonna like suck your dick because that's that's so fun sex shouldn't be a transaction currency it's not like buns dollars sorry i don't want to seem like i'm downplaying sex work because that is specifically a sexual transaction it's a different thing um you're talking about like in a relationship within a relationship there shouldn't be sort of a contractual obligation for, like, these actions reward with these sexual... In either way.

Because, like, imagine if you're, like, oh, I'm tired. It's like, I cleaned the house. Oh, I got a guest. Like, no, that's fucked for you as well. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex. Exactly. But if you do, do. But don't make it this, like, barter system.

Like, that's fucked. Yeah. like barter system like that's fucked yeah so so if if you get into bed and you're just like i want to blow my dude i was gonna say boy and i was like i know you were no wait boi or boi boi okay yeah i was about to arrest you um then then fucking do it yeah and, no. And let me tell you, on the crazy sort of rare occasion where he doesn't want it, he's probably going to be like, you know what, babe? Thanks, but, like, not tonight. You know what I mean?

Because, like, if you're not in the mood, there's nothing worse than someone, like, trying to get you in the mood. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And, like, no one's going to be like, I guess I'm just going to sit here and let her give it a go. Yeah, like no one's gonna be like i guess i'm just gonna sit here and let her give it a go yeah like it's it's not gonna be and you'll probably you won't be asking this

question because you'll be the one awkwardly going through the motions while they're awkwardly trying to enjoy you'll feel it hopefully by the question it seems like they've they talk about all this yeah so like i'm assuming that if he doesn't want it... It sounds like one person doesn't necessarily listen. Yeah. That's the fear. That's the danger. Like, you've had this talk. Except the talk. Yeah.

I mean, I understand it. There's always that sort of, like, insecurity of, like, am I doing the right thing? But it sounds like in this situation, you are. Yeah, just keep doing your thing. It's rare that we get to say you're doing a good job, but I feel like we've done it a lot today. Huh. Yar. Yeah, just keep doing your thing. It's rare that we get to say you're doing a good job, but I feel like

we've done it a lot today. Huh. Huh. Specifically, the guy who danced way out of the Oh, man, so good.

Again, problematic Irish jig, but I can ignore that, I guess. Just imagine that classic dance move where you bend in the knees and

pound at your chest. Can we do this later on? This is from user VeryGoodEgg. Nobody takes pictures of me. So I know how you're supposed to have

pictures of yourself out with friends slash enjoying your hobby. The thing for me is that in my social circle, pictures being taken are rare. I suspect this is the case for a lot of mostly male social circles. So this begs the question for a lot of mostly male social circles. So this begs the question, where the hell am I supposed to get decent pictures

of myself that aren't selfies? I mean, that's a pretty good question. Yeah? Like, I get it. I don't have a whole lot of, like,

the only pictures I had of me were from when we went to camp, which were, like, a professional photographer and selfies. Really? Like, I didn't have a whole lot of candid

me out and about i will say anyone who has just like a picture of that one person doing one thing it seems kind of forced and contrived and a little weird you know what do you mean like if i just had a picture of you like in boxing gloves or like you in boxing gloves. Yeah. Or you like with a dumbbell. Or like you, you know, like mixing our fucking podcast. Like it would be a little weird. Especially that last one. You know? But like, well, he said hobbies and shit.

I'm trying to list some stuff. Like it was just you rolling some dice. Like it'd be a little weird. Yeah. And I think if I saw it on a dating profile you it gives across a certain impression of the person and that impression is that they're very much like putting forward a specific they're very like try hard well he does say like with friends as well right yeah he he says uh no he says yeah with friends slash enjoying your hobby uh firstly

embrace the selfie. Get selfies of you and all your friends. Yeah. I do that. Depending on what you're doing. Too much regularity. Just ask a, I mean, I guess it is kind of weird. Like, if you and I went and did a boxing class, it would be weird for me to be like, could you take a picture of us?

Yeah, but I think, like, in general, it's like, if you're taking, if someone's taking a picture of you at the gym working out or something, I think that's kind still weird yeah it's weird it's for a guy i think it's like with a girl you probably get away with it but for a guy it's still a little like it puts forward an image of yourself and that image is very vain i think yeah right um yeah i mean like i think if your buddy if you're close with your buddies i don't think there's any harm in just being like, I need a picture for my Tinder. Yeah. You know what I mean? As long as you're friends with these people, they're not going to be like, no, fuck you.

Oh, you're trying to get laid? Uh-uh. Yeah. Trying to meet a partner? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Also. Not on my watch.

Unless they're all taken, it's probably likely they'll be like, oh, cool, me too. Yeah. And it's like, you go over there with Greg, and then Greg will do it with me and you, and I'll do one with Greg. Yeah. I don't, like, you don't have to schedule a photo shoot or anything, but if you're doing something fucking cool, if you're in, like, an escape room or, like... Yeah, or just, like, there are, like, example, we finish our escape room, they take a picture of us.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You go out on a boys' night out paintballing, they take a picture, us. Yeah. You know what I mean? You go out on a boys night out paintballing, they take a picture. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like they're your buds. And if you're looking for a Tinder profile picture,

there's no harm. If you're at a bar, and it's you and two of your buddies, and there's a cute girl next to you, just ask them to take a picture for you. Be like, hey, do you want to take a picture of me and my friends? Like, they don't need to know contacts.

They don't need to know it's for your Tinder profile. They're just like, for all they know, your friends are from out of town or you're just having a great fucking night. Or you're about to bang both of them. And now you have like an in.

You can be like, oh, thanks so much. You know what I mean? And now you can talk to that girl if you want to, if she wants to. You know what I mean? And then you say,

but Jelly. Yeah, you ask her to stand up. No, you go, hey, can you take a picture of my phone? And you hand her the phone. And the phone is just a text message. And the message just says, but Jelly. Yeah.

And she goes, how do I get out of that? And you go, you're already in it, girl. And then your friends high five you and just scatter. Yeah. Dance out. Then you Irish jig out of that bar. Oh, yeah. And then she has your phone.

And then she's honor bound to return it to you. And that's your first date. Mm-hmm. Or you give her a burner phone and that's your first date. Mm-hmm. Or you give her a burner phone. You have your real phone. Then you call that burner phone. And the only number that is programmed into that phone is your real number. Oh, my gosh.

So she can then text you and be like, hey, do you want this picture I took of you on this, like, Nokia cell? Hey, your friend left his burner phone with me. There's nothing but your number and a text message saying butt jelly on it. And he was like, oh, shit. Can you meet me at this fine dining restaurant and get it back? Oh, yeah. Wear something nice. Dress good.

What? Who is this? Not the cell phone's owner. And then you just type. You just text. Dances away. Butt jelly. Butt jelly.

Bum jelly? Bum jelly, yeah. That's even worse. Butt jelly. Butt jelly. Bum jelly? Bum jelly, yeah. That's even worse. Yeah, bum jelly is... Maybe he just had an issue and he was describing what was happening to him at any given moment, which is why he was sitting on the bin, so he had somewhere to go. Yeah, he was just like, bum jelly! Oh, bum jelly!

Oh, no, it's happening again! Bum jelly! That's why you can go to class. Yeah, because if I was just leaking bum jelly constantly, I'd be sitting on a bin, too. And probably yelling about it quite loudly. He's like, why are you all getting so mad at me? I just need help.

I need a doctor. Please. His friends be saying, diabetes! Yeah. Hey, girl, come over and talk to us for a second. Our friend's real sick. Please. Hey, girl, what's your number? Hey, girl, let me see your phone. yeah hey girl come over and talk to us for a second our friend's real sick please oh get one hey girl what's your number

I need hey girl let me see your phone I need to call 911 girl what's your number no just cause I know you're studying nursing yeah um

yeah no I I feel like it's pretty cut and dry I get it's like do an activity where taking a picture isn't weird learn to

augment your selfies so that it's not just you staring awkwardly in the screen. And just take pictures of your buds because if they're your buds, they won't give a shit. Yeah. Yeah. Just get your mom to take them. Yes. Yes. Have, like, prom photos with your friends.

Yes. Like, standing behind them with your arms around them. That would be amazing. Yeah, that would be the best. Yeah. No, but honestly, get your mom to do it, but then tell your mom

in excruciating detail what you hope to achieve with those photos. It's the only way to do it. It's the only way the magic will come through. She needs to angle them in such a way

that you don't get your dick wet. So you need to tell her you don't want to get your dick wet. Do you want a serious one? Never. This comes from user Throwaway NSSMJCJDMen. Huh?

I don't know. There's a shit ton of letters. I thought it spelled something, but I don't think it does. Maybe it says Jack Does Men. And she asks, How do I say hold my titties, like sexy i 14 or female 18 sorry again to male 40 what no he male 21 likes to fondle my boobs and i want my boobs to be fondled but making it happen is sometimes awkward because i am i I haven't gotten the hang of acting sexy.

I'm just my straightforward, brutally honest self. Something about, please hold my titties, just seems stupid and ruins the mood. IDK. Any help with successful communications is much obliged. Okay, can I just point out something like, please hold my titties. That's not going to ruin the mood at all. I'm going to be so pumped that you're chill and funny. I'm just going to grab them titties because tits are the best.

Yeah. Like, there's no... I don't think there's any way you could phrase that request. Never. That any guy would be like, ah, forget it. Yeah. Ah, fuck. You just ruined it.

It's not worth it anymore. Yeah. Also... Get off me. You want a perfect way to have a guy grab your titties you show them your titties have you ever seen boobs and not grab them yeah like i mean well you know what i mean but like you know what i mean right it's it's like it's almost like a a thing you're doing before even thinking about it. It's impossible.

If a girl takes her shirt off and she's on top of you. Dude, before her jumper is over her head, I'm on them. Yeah. I'm on them. Like, I just, like, you know, they're the best. Also, if you're worried about communication, if you feel, you know what I mean? Like, if that's a mood breaker for you, maybe, stop pretending to go to town on my titties. My imaginary titties.

Just take his hands. Yeah. And put them on there. Okay, let's list the various ways you can do this. Way one, just have titties and show them. Yeah. Shake them, maybe. I don't know.

He's going for them, I'm pretty sure. Unless you're distracting him with that fine butt jelly. Bum jelly. Bum jelly, yeah. He's going for them, I'm pretty sure. Unless you're distracting him with that fine butt jelly. Bum jelly. Bum jelly, yeah. He's going for them titties. Second way. That's the thing. It's like, I am a butt man myself.

And can you still resist the call of grabbing some boobs? I mean, no. Okay. Exactly. But if the butt is, like, if she's on top, I've probably got my hands on that booty. Yeah. I like to shake it up. Literally.

Literally. I mean. No, but like. I like to shake it up. Literally. I mean. No, but like. And don't get me wrong. Like every now and then, those hands will 100% get on those titties. Yeah. I'm pretty much the opposite. We're like, I'm going for them titties.

But I'll definitely be going for that butt. Yeah. But, you know. So, yeah. One, just have them. Just have them out. It's happening. Two, say, hey. a light upon these breastises.

Yeah, I mean, even maybe like truncate it and just say, grab my tits. Yeah. I feel like titties is kind of. Titties is kind of. Titties makes me think of Craig Robinson. I don't know who that is, but he. He's the, do you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Yeah.

He's the Pontiac Bandit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The second anyone says titties, I just Titties.

just see him. Yeah, that's fair. Which is Which is not bad either, really. I mean, to be fair, it might ruin the mood. It might, would it? Or does it make it a little sexier?

But here's the thing. If you think of Craig Robinson singing to you while you're grabbing titties while you're fucking just going to town, I would... I'd be okay with that. I'd be okay with that. Yeah. No, you can literally say anything.

And the thing is, you can be like, grab these fucking tits. He's grabbing them. He's like, grab these tits, sir. He's grabbing them. Like, please take hold of my boobies. Yes. My lord, please doth clasp my bosoms. Yeah, like, there's literally nothing you can say.

Because you can... Anything you say that's fucking weird and awkward, he'll probably take as a joke. Anything, like... And he'll still do it. And also, you're asking him to grab your boobs. Yeah, that's like being like, oh, I've got this dinner and he's hungry. And I don't know how to say, do you want like eat this dinner? Because eat this dinner just sounds really straightforward.

It's like if every night you put your daughter to bed, your wife is like, hey, can I blow you? That's weird. Oh, she's like, I guess. Fuck. Okay. How can you do it wrong? Just grab his hands and just like like slap them into them

oh get his go grab these titties and then when he goes to your hands you slap them away and you take his shoe off instead and bring his toes up yeah and probably wait for his hands to get almost to your titties and then squirt super glue on them and be like now they're on there forever you've grabbed them infinitely i'm still okay with that i don't know but also like 50 guys probably in for the toe thing anyway so it's fine i don't know there's no wrong way to do it just do it get them titties grabbed ask for what you want and get it yeah get it get it girl i i would say get it truncate, like, try to reduce the... Fucking shit balls. Oh, there it is. So, wait, you want to truncate it?

So, grab these booze. Grab these booze. My thing is... Grab these booze. ...is try to pick a word that is the least likely to be said by a 12-year-old. Get this tip. Get these tits. Get these boobs. You know, like if you were a guy.

Yeah, no, it's like. Don't be like, hey, grab my wang. Get my winky. You know what I mean? Like no one wants to hear that. Tickle my winky. So I do think that there is language. Even titties is like whatever.

Like tits. Yeah, no. Nipples. I wouldn't be upset with anyone saying titties to me no um boobies a little weird boobies yeah it's weirder boobies is strange um yeah but again like me personally if someone's like grab my titties what's happening i'm grabbing them titties yeah it's just like but that's if a girl says anything if a woman is like you know grab my throat or grab my hair grab my whatever yeah you know i mean even like even if

she's just like grab my sides yeah i'm doing it like if that's what you want and i'm comfortable doing it i'm gonna do it for you yeah like i'm not i'm not gonna actively also it's really cool when a partner asks for what they want i love it it's it takes literally all of the guesswork out of trying to please the partner especially so many people sexual experience so many people are so hung up and like i get it we've all been there on like shit what do i do next do i do this do it is do they like it how much they like it are they just pretending they like it like and you're going if someone's like do this you're like empty mind boobies yeah happy boy happy girl everybody's happy everyone's having a

good time just fucking remember it's like i'm fairly dominant in bed and i sort of like you know pinning hands down choking i like i'm into that kind of stuff but i also understand that there's like there are sort of layers of trauma yeah like someone might not be comfortable with x or y especially if it's a new partner you know i mean like the last thing they want to do is is to feel restrained or pinned down or like in it's like hi strange man who's bigger than me on top of me pinning me down yeah yeah um so there's there's something nice about a woman who's willing to let you know exactly sort of like guide your hand again. It doesn't have to,

you don't have to say anything, but like I've, I've definitely been with women who have like taken my hand and put it around their throat. You know what I mean? And that's the thing. And it's also, there's something a little sexy about that silence as well.

So it might be a way to circumvent your awkwardness. And also it's fucking awesome as the person being led. Cause you're like, cool. Yeah. And like, again, it gave me as someone who person being led, because you're like, cool. Yeah. And, like, again, it gave me, as someone who's in that sort of position of power, to, if I wasn't comfortable with it, I could very easily slide that hand behind her neck or, you know, back down to wherever it was.

And, like, hopefully that would be enough to communicate to her that that's not my thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? But, like, with that sort of, like, two-second non-verbal interaction, I've learned that she's into this, she's learned I'm not into that, and hopefully either we talk about it later

and come up with, like, you know, a meet-in-the-middle situation, or we just know that that aspect will not be satisfied in this relationship. And if that's deal breaker, then you know it. Or even just like you talk later and be like, I wasn't sure what you wanted. I wasn't comfortable with it. But and they're like, oh, I just want you to hold your hand there.

I want you to do X or Y. And then you're like, oh, I can do that or not. You know, you can figure that later. But like there are a lot of ways to do it. Yeah. So there's there's no harm. Ladies, just ask. ask her what you want or show us what you want and and nine times out of ten i feel like men will probably be willing to

comply yeah like i really don't i don't know anyone who's like oh this person i'm with is like really communicative and lets me know what she wants and on the flip side let us know what you don't want yeah of course if you're not into you don't want. Yeah, of course. If you're not into being spanked. If you don't want them to grab those titties. Yeah. Some people don't. Yeah. And like, only in certain specific circumstances.

Absolutely. And when you're used to just mauling titties, it's just, you know, you gotta know. There's no harm in letting people know. Just be like, I'm not really into that. Or like, you'll find more success here. I've definitely had several women. Again, I've either done the light sort of cursory hand around throat to see if they're into it. And they've just sort of guided my hand down to their boobs.

And I'm like, cool. I've learned what you're into and what you're not into in two seconds and i will not try that again um and it's it's it's good to to know these things 100 um and it just leads to a better sexual experience for everyone you're having a better time he's having a better time because he's satisfying you and there's like there's nothing better if you're having if you're in a good sexual relationship there's nothing better than knowing you're satisfying your partner yes and also like you're also clearing his mind of all the panic and the thoughts and the, do I do this or this or this or this? You're just going this. Boom.

Excellent. Do it. Get what you want. Absolutely. All right. Ready? Yeah, we're going fast today. This is by user SadSadSafSFSD.

Oh, no. And this is I 29 year old female met a guy 29 year old male who says he's never had a girlfriend before is this a red flag i went on two dates with a guy i met on one of the dating apps he seems normal and nice and we get along just fine

but our second date conversation led to talking about previous dating experiences i asked him jokingly how i stacked up and he started getting nervous and told me he's never had a girlfriend before. I'm not sure if this is something I should be concerned about or not. He's really cute, and I kind of expect him to have plenty of girlfriends. I started reading things on the internet and found blogs and forums of people discussing a similar issue, and there was large consensus to drop him and run. How old is he?

29. No. much consensus to drop him and run how old is he 29 no yeah like if if he's not doing anything weird or like putting up a reply if it's just that you haven't had a relationship i mean there could be any number of reasons why he hasn't you know i mean like you don't know his personal life you don't know his family life you don't know like for all you know you know worst case scenario maybe he was sexually abused as a kid and like put up walls and he's now just starting to feel comfortable with himself he could have been awkward as a teen maybe he was like uncomfortable how he was physically maybe he was just studying really hard in school or some shit maybe he's had a bunch of non-serious relationships like maybe even long term you don't know like because a lot of people like they'll be with somebody for months if not longer but because they're not exclusive they don't count as like

a girlfriend and i doubt you got that deep so you never know like he could have had a lot of relationship experience there's there's a ton of like various like we could literally bullshit all day about go forever maybe his family comes from low income and he had to work, you know, nonstop in order to put himself through school and to make sure that his family could fucking eat. Yeah. Maybe it was a religious thing and only now has he either like stepped away from it or like been allowed whatever. Like.

Yeah. You could know anything and all that matters is that you like him and he's cute and you guys get on well yeah if you're attracted and he's treating you well and you know i mean like yeah a person's sexual history there's no difference of being like oh i just found out my girlfriend has slept with like 20 guys yeah 40 guys we don't mean like any number that you're uncomfortable with like it doesn't change that person that person hasn't fundamentally if anything they are the person that you like because of those experiences. Because they've had those experiences. And that led them to being there.

Yeah. Yeah. And the thing is, like, arguably, it could be great. He doesn't have past bullshit trauma to deal with. He literally has no baggage. Yeah, exactly. It's not like, oh, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me or, like, my ex-girlfriend wouldn't let me play video games. My ex-girlfriend wouldn't let me fucking hang out with work people. It's like,

nah, B, they probably still think the world is golden. Yeah. They're probably like, oh, I'm going to love this girl and treat them well. You can be the girlfriend that ruins his life.

Yeah. You can be that baggage, which by the sounds of it, you might know. I feel like that's a really harmful thing to get hung up on. Like who fucking cares? Yeah. I mean, I would love to know what, I mean, it's ironic that the people on the internet

giving dating advice is criticizing the people on the internet giving dating advice. But I would love to know what their rationale, just being like, like, is this guy just supposed to live alone forever? That's another thing. It's like, I'm sure this person at one point... What's the cutoff? You know what I mean? Before you're just like, oh.

Never. Nope, you're a crazy spinster now. And also, it's like, I'm sure this girl at some point has been like, entry-level jobs need experience. How am I supposed to get two years experience if I can't get an entry-level job? Yeah. Because we've all seen that bullshit. We're all like, fuck that.

That's what you're doing. Yeah. How's he going to get experience if you won't get an entry-level job? And it'd be one thing if you're like, oh, I've been dating this guy for a year and he just doesn't know anything about relationships and he's useless and he treats me like shit. Because then you actually have something to go on. You know what I mean? Like, you have all the reason to be like,

yeah, I'm out. I'm out of here. Yeah, or at the very least be like, hey, we have these problems. Let's work them out or not. But if he's done nothing wrong, you're attracted to him, and he's treating you well,

and you're enjoying yourself. Why would you shoot yourself in the foot? What's the issue? If later on something comes up, then you're out of deal with it like you're not marrying him yet yeah but man i know like everyone needs to i feel like there's this weird culture nowadays to make excuses for the people who are shit and not give chances to the people who aren't and i know that sort sort of roots in the nice guy mentality,

but there is a bit of truth to that. It's very rare that I've heard someone be like, this guy is great, I'm going to give him a chance. You know what I mean? Where it's always like, oh, this guy only texts me at 3am when he's horny and drunk, but I really like him. That's the thing i always hear the but positive for people who are shit yeah and the but negative for people who seem good yeah i

feel like it's just people always want to doubt things and it's like i guess it goes both ways yeah it's it's i think when when someone's bad you you kind of want to you're like they're not that bad yeah when someone's good you're like of want to be like, they're not that bad. When someone's good, you're like, where's that shoe going to drop? I mean, yeah. When I was single, if I ever got a match where I'm just like, you are impossibly hot. What's the catch? Yeah, like I'm going to wake up in a bathtub with a liver. You're a Samsung ad.

You know what I mean? Like being removed or like down a kidney. Yeah, or you're just like Sony's latest viral marketing. Yeah. They made a lady. Yeah. No, there's also like when I met my current girlfriend, there was a long time where I'm like, there's something. And usually I'm right.

Like there's always that point where you're like, that's the thing. That's why. There's still time. I'm still waiting, man. I'm fucking terrified. I live in fear every day. Yeah. No, I hear you.

And the longer it goes, the bigger the secret she has. It's not bad to be aware of everything and not become completely enamored by people. You know what I mean? It's good, but don't make up problems to stop things dead in their tracks. And that's the thing. If he has another girlfriend and he says it's because he fucking hates women,

that's a red flag. Sure. Cool. I haven't had a girlfriend. I spent most of my life in juvie, in prison, because I murdered my whole family. Yeah, sure.

Okay, cool. I don't know. Maybe the family asked for it yeah or like even just like yeah having a girlfriend like i have dated a few girls but they usually don't live through the first month yeah like that that okay cool that's actionable right everyone chooses the cement grinder like uh if there was any reason that he gave or any reason you could come up with that you know if it's just like he hasn't had one like fuck it i know people who haven't had girlfriends who have had a bunch of relationships and they're doing really well and would be a great boyfriend and

it doesn't mean shit that they haven't had a commitment like also for a lot of people commitments are a lot bigger of a deal than they are for other people like i know for a fact there's a lot of girls i've been seeing who've cut it off because i wouldn't commit within like a month or within two months i'm like maybe that's him maybe he literally just cares enough about a relationship that he's not just gonna dive into it and a lot of people are like nah there was a bunch of women like the what are we that that i had met prior to meeting Amanda. Where like, I was like, oh, I'm actually super into you. And then it was one of those things where it was like, we've been dating for exactly this amount of time. Yeah. What are we?

Yeah. I was like, well, I don't know. Yeah. And then I was like, well, that's it. Exactly. That happened to me on multiple occasions. A lot of them I actually like did like. And it's like, fuck it.

You know, I don't regret it at all. A lot of them I actually did like. And it's like, fuck it. I don't regret it at all. Especially after my last relationship where I learned the valuable lesson of if that ultimatum comes up, one, it's a bad idea. And two, if you're not... If you're not there, you're not there. If you're not a yes, you're a no. There's no like, we'll see. There's no like, maybe. There's no like, well, now that you bring it up i guess like there's

no need to be like afraid of losing someone if the the threat that they're they're like the option they're presenting is lose me or date me yeah it's like well if that's like you don't want to date that person i don't want to lose you but if the only way to like stay with you commit to you for like yeah it's presumably ever is to like commit to you for like presumably ever is to sort of like go against how I'm feeling then it's probably not a good idea.

For either of us, yeah. Yeah. Alright. So give him a chance. Give him a chance. Take a chance. Take a chance. This comes from user

Lovecraftian Daydream. Oh god. My 31 male wife, 28 female, doesn't seem to have a sex drive without alcohol. Oh, no. It's a long question, so here we go. This has been bothering me for a while.

We've been dating for eight years, and other than the first few months of us dating, my wife has almost always had alcohol to help her get in the mood. The problem is her tolerance has become so great that she can polish off a bottle of vodka at night just to get there. Oh. Yeah.

Other than the obvious medical problems that can come with this, it's led to other things, such as night becoming spoiled because she drinks too much, and to try to get in the mood, and ends up sick. That has happened last night, as a matter of fact. It puts a dent in our pocketbook as well, since we end up spending about $100 a month

on alcohol, which is a lot less than I thought it was going to be. That's real cheap. That's like three nights of fucking. Just so we can keep our sex lives going. I assume they mean like a 750ml bottle of vodka. That's too much for... Yeah, I don't know. It must be like a 200ml or 350ml, which, not that much, but still, for this situation, definitely that much.

Yeah. Not to mention spontaneous sex is basically out of the question. It's been years since she's come home frisky or just woken up and gone at it. I've encouraged her many times to see a doctor, but she refuses, saying that alcohol just loosens her up. And she does have a sex drive. I feel torn about it, since a few times we do go at it without the aid of booze. She tightens up and becomes a log in the sheets. Has anyone had this problem before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yeah, 100% she needs to go get help, because that's not healthy. If you need to drink to do anything, it's not healthy. If you're drinking that much regularly, it's not healthy. This is 100% a sign of addiction. Like, she's an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, without sort of, like, the... It's a weird form of it, I guess.

Because, like, it's not like she needs to drink to, like, deal with life, but she needs to drink to deal with this, which I'm assuming implies some kind of psychological thing. There's 100% some sort of, like, mental illness, some kind of psychological thing there's there's a hundred percent some sort of like mental illness some sort of trauma trauma something she needs to deal with that she can't get past without alcohol but the thing is it's like alcohol is like a compounding problem because if you have to drink this much on the regular one your tolerance is going to increase two you're not going to feel very well and like alcohol itself like fucks with your sex drive so it's like if you're drunk and like pounding poison into your body all the time,

you're going to feel shitty. And when you feel shitty, you're not going to feel like you want to fuck. And then if you have to drink more to want to fuck, then you're going to feel more shitty. And like, it literally is like a spiral. I,

it's strange. I would love to know, like, is he also drunk? Because like being sober and sleeping with a girl who's just pounded a bottle of vodka

to fuck you is is a very strange situation like especially when I've been with been married

and also for 8 years I expected it was going to be like a year and a half right like I've been with Amanda for you know

like 3 years or whatever it is now I should probably correct me if she was here um and like I don't know right like i've been with amanda for you know like three years or whatever it is now i should probably correct me if she was here um and like i don't know i would be very uncomfortable if she came home hammered and wanted to have sex you know what i mean like and if i was sober you know i mean if we were out drinking together yeah whatever but like if i was at home and she was out doing a show and she came back hammered and and wanted to sleep with me or like if you're like messy fucked up.

I would. Like that's not even hot. I would. I would be very. And it's not that like I'm afraid that she's going to say. Yeah. I took advantage of her or anything. It's just me personally.

Well, like. It's all the things I've trained myself and have been trained by society and like, you know, people. Yeah. Being like, this is where you have to take care of someone and not fuck them. Well, also, if someone's in need of being taken care of, they're too drunk to fuck. Yeah. And like, if someone's messy, like, one, you probably shouldn't.

And also, two, like, I don't find that attractive. You know what I mean? Like, I've had people, like, swing by after a night out and they're like, you know, they call you late at night and you're like, cool. And then they come over and they're like and you're like god damn it I know this isn't sexy this isn't hot

the amount of women who have yelled at me when I was just like have you been drinking and like they would get so mad and I was like well no it's cause I don't want to sleep

with you for fucking hammer I've had girls come like I used to live in a basement apartment the amount of times I would sort of like try to gauge where they were in the drunkenness scale

and then like almost eat shit going down the stairs or like, by the time they get like their shoes off, they can barely fucking stand. I'm like, that's a no, I'm sorry. Now I'm not sleeping with you.

And now I'm, now I'm dealing with you. Yeah. I'm your fucking minder. Now I've got to put you to bed and like, just sit awkwardly in my room because you're fucking. I would expect nothing less. Like if I showed up at someone's place and I was like stumbling around and

like slur, like if I came in and I had a few drinks and i was fine sure whatever but like if i'm fucking stumbling or like drunk like and they're sober especially it's just like uh you go out you fucking neanderthal go home it's get a shower hey it's it's one of those things where like i think you really gotta there's there's some like this isn't normal like it's not it's one of those things where like, I think you really got to, there's, there's some like, this isn't normal. Like, it's not like you, if you need loosening up inverted commas, you need loosening up from something. And that from something is what you need to deal with.

Yeah. And the longer you go without dealing with it, the more you're going to need to either avoid it or deal with it. Because like, it's not like, oh shit, I've been going eight years, not dealing with this thing. I think it's time to face it. It's like, no, it's eight years now. So that's that weight on top.

Yeah. So no, and that's not healthy long term. I mean, we've said it a thousand times. We're not experts. And this is one of those situations where a medical professional needs to be involved. Yeah. You need to get. We're expert enough to tell you that you need a medical professional involved.

Like, that's, yeah, that's not healthy. You need to get someone, because, like, it's going to end with her getting alcohol poisoning. Like, this isn't going to end well. There's no situation where this doesn't end with her getting very, very ill or, like, dying. No, well, like, I think that's a little dramatic, but I do think that, like... If she's drinking a fucking bottle of vodka a night, if she thinks she has to to have sex,

you know what I mean? Well, the thing is, I feel like if she was going to get alcohol poisoning or die, it would be from what she's already doing. I assume they must mean the 200 or 350 mil. Yeah. It can't be 750 mil. It's a 750 mil, like, one, hats off.

Two... Yeah, if she's drinking a liter bring her to the doctor like immediately but also like i feel like it's maybe it'll get that dramatic i don't know but it'll probably just be one of those things that consists and chips away their health consistently and more importantly ruins their relationship because this sounds terrible yeah i mean like i'm actually shocked he hasn't mentioned that it's bled into other things because like, well, he mentioned their, their, like, uh, the money, I guess, which is a big thing. I mean more like that her, like she hasn't, she hasn't started drinking to like loosen

up after work and loosen up. You know what I mean? It's, it's, it's actually very surprising that it seems to be very specifically sex, which again is enough to be like, there is a trauma here. Yeah, there's something. At some point in time, I don't know what it is

and how severe it is. It also could just be, like, massive, like, self... Like, massive, or, like, just when you're... Like, self-consciousness. It could just, like, acute self-consciousness.

It could be acute, like, anxiety. I don't know, when you're naked or intimate with people. It could be like vagismus or something that she can't literally deal with physically and maybe can bypass when she's hammered. And that might not even be a,

like maybe she's in pain when she has sex and the alcohol gets her past that or something. Yeah, I don't. Like it's not good and it's not the kind of thing that you should be a part of and that's not healthy and that's not good. Yeah, it's tough good and it's not the kind of thing that you should be a part of. And that's not healthy and that's not good. It's,

it's tough because like, like, I can't imagine the conversation of being like, you need to go to the doctor cause you're drinking. You know what I mean? Like that conversation is never going to be easy because the people who, who tends to drink too much don't think that they do. Yeah.

And there's like, you don't drink without thinking there's a reason for it. Exactly. There's always like, well, I'm doing it for this i'm doing for this and also in the situation like this there's probably i'm doing it for you yeah so we can fuck like you don't want to have sex like you know like yeah i'm sure i'll stop drinking we'll just won't have sex anymore yeah cool and that's the thing you're always going to feel defensive when someone brings you up on your drinking that's pretty much part and parcel of drinking too much yeah or any substance yeah yeah like i i do feel like it's gonna be a shitty conversation but it's also like you can have that or you can have a slowly degenerating wife and a slowly degenerating relationship yeah

um but like something needs to get sorted in that and maybe even like abstain from sex and also drinking and give it like a few like two weeks be like hey let's not drink for two weeks and like go jogging or some shit because like maybe not like i don't know maybe she's been in this kind of yeah i mean like maybe you need to turn the reflection inwards and be like am i demanding too much in a sexual sense you know yeah does she feel obligated and that's why she's doing that you know it's like i again we don't know too much but but it's it's one of those things where like um anytime you sort of feel the need to bring someone to task for something it's it's always worthwhile to like look look at the mirror yeah and see what you might be doing to contribute to the problem because you never know right um but i and see what you might be doing to contribute to the problem

because you never know right um but i i feel like this might be beyond someone sort of like pushing them to drink you know i mean like this this seems like yeah it seems like an alien or something yeah especially because like i feel like if he was like the fact that he has an issue with it means that he's probably not down with i know yeah he doesn't seem to be sort of like reaping the benefits yeah quote unquote yeah of it um and like we can theorize about any reason why it's happening all day we could come up with a million reasons but what we do know is that that's not healthy no um and you do need to and there's a million different like like resources out there that you can look at and like get help with i'm you know yeah um so but yeah please please seek help yeah whatever you can to if you have to like reach out to friends

and family and see if you could like one voice is better than two or like two voices are better than one one voice burden two don't tell anybody yeah it's your secret secret it's our secret now um no but don't don't do that do tell people or maybe maybe not like you don't want to embarrass her either like i do think like choose your allies talk to her first absolutely and if she completely flat out refuses and it kind of escalates from there then maybe but like you also don't want to like put her on blast for alcohol and sex because those are two pretty like intimate things so i mean like if it's if you need to save her you know like it's 100 if you need to i just think like that would be a last resort or like a further resort yeah absolutely um you know you can you can start off i think you should always start off by talking

them directly and like don't don't in like don't get incendiary don't get heated don't even if they do try not to because like that's like a one-way fucking ticket to ruining your entire efforts because you know if someone's getting defensive or aggressive like just speak your part and like let them know your concerns and that you are concerned for them and that like you know you're there for them and try to keep it positive on your side at least and like maybe give them time afterwards like but if you get in an argument i think that can really fuck it yeah and but even if they're yelling at you say your piece give them time come back and see you know um i do think in the initial thing is very or in general when it's a very serious issue like this, you don't necessarily need to get retaliatory. Absolutely not.

Yeah. No, this, this is one of those things where like, you're going after a lot of really sensitive personal things where you have to sort of, no matter what they say to you, let them, if they have to attack you out of self-defense, like, like just take it as hard as it is to swallow your pride and, and be attacked like that. Just like just take it as hard as it is to swallow your pride and and be attacked like that just just take it when it's this important like it's more important than your fucking yeah because it's like you're you're clearly concerned about them so like you don't have to defend yourself yeah you know i mean just just let them let them say whatever they need to

say and then as long as you're being firm on your your concern and your point and like obviously if things get physical or like you feel like you're in danger, that's a different thing and, like, get out of the situation. You know, I just, like, you know, be careful, but be cognizant that you don't want to escalate things, make them worse. You do want to just kind of show them that you care for them, be there for them, be empathetic and honest, you know. Okay.

I think that's going to do us for this week. Yeah. Okay. You ready? Yep. You comfy? Yep. Okay.

So this is The Hormone Factory by Saskia Goldschmidt. What? She was moaning softly now, her breath coming faster. She tasted of apples. Her soft, warm flesh was driving me crazy. That dish of delight my tongue was now lapping at frenziedly. Her suppressed cries were coming faster and faster. I unbuttoned my pants, pushed them down past my hips, and my beast, finally released from its cage, sprang up wildly. I started inching my way back up, continuing to stimulate her manually,

until the beast found its way in. She opened her eyes and said softly, I'm still a virgin, please be careful. I kept myself quiet for a moment, kissed her and said, I'll be very gentle, alright? Running her tongue over her lips, she nodded. She was as hot as boiling water in a distillation flask. What the hell? And it wasn't long before I was able to really get going. We both came at the same time.

Doubtful. I stayed inside her for a few seconds, gazed at her, and smiled. Why are these women so feverish? They're so hot. Can't we have a taste of apples? Her soft, warm flesh was driving me crazy. That's serial killer talk. I want to know what the hormone factory is. I assume her soft, warm distillation flask vagina.

Oh, is she the hormone factory? Probably. Maybe. Why is she that hot? That's not, like, if you're going to be as literal as hot as boiling water, like, that's a very specific temperature

and that would burn your dick off. Yeah. That's just incorrect. That's lazy writing. She was not as hot as that. She was not. Maybe she was. She'd be dead.

He'd be dead. They'd all be dead. This would be a corpse factory. Maybe it is. Maybe they'd take dead bodies who have had really, really, really, really, really hot sex and turn them into hormones and that's how we get horny. Maybe that's our body is doing that.

Maybe all of our body heat is little human people fucking to create our hormones. What? What'd you say? What? I've solved it. If you have any questions for us...

Don't send us porn. Or ask us for naked pictures. Oh, we had another question. Yeah, we had a dude ask us. First, he said ASL, which I don't think anyone said since Yahoo chat. Maybe he's a gay time traveler. Oh, that's true. Could be.

Yeah, he just jumped forward from 20 fucking years ago, dude. Yeah, no one says ASL anymore. At least I fucking hope they don't. I hope there's nowhere on the internet people are still saying ASL. Get the hell out of here. Get gone. Get gunk. If you have a question for us and you'd like our sage advice,

you can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You could find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast, or you can email us at fckbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. At gk.com. gk.com. Thank you, Josh Eagle, on the higher overseas, for a song, Paper Stars. You're the best. As usual, we're going to end out this question session.

Question session. Otherwise known as a podcast, is what I really wanted to say. Well, I'm going. With a little, not question from Dan, but statement from Dan. I guess like the name of one of Dan's bullshit articles. Yeah. I guess maybe we haven't one of Dan's bullshit articles? Yeah. I guess maybe we haven't been specific about that for a while, because some of these aren't questions. No. Either way, I think people get it.

No one's complained. No. Apart from everyone knows what the fuck we're talking about when we talk about Dan. Yeah, fuck you. And if you don't know... Now you know, listener. Yeah, go back to episode one and listen to the whole catalog. And then download them all twice. So Dan says, New post.

Reverse psychology text message for an ex? Hey, I don't not miss you. What up? Don't date me, please. I don't think you should get back together with me. I like your new boyfriend. My name is Dave Miller. And I am Niles Bain.

And we're here to guide your slide. Stop making me say these. We're your bug buddies. you