F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 348 - COVID Dog Tail Dick

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Remember when we were all stuck at home and were so horny that all of our dicks got injured?  Topics include permanent jewelry is ultimate betrayal, the unending erection, not trying to get laid on a first date, and hole preference. Join the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller, and I'm Niles Payne. And we are of course your fuck buddies. We're a sex and dating advice pod guys, where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we are the boys of summer.

Yeah. Yeah, that's all you need to know. We are here, we answer questions we find either online or from our wonderful boys and girls and everything in between of summer, quite listeners, and we answer them right here, right now in your ears Sometimes on stage when's the show Danes coming up this week this Thursday this Thursday the 19th black sheep cocktail lounge Toronto 8pm $10 tickets $15 VIP tickets which will snag you a drink as well Which is the best price for anything in the city? I got a beer the other day and it was $11.

Yeah. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm fucking saying. So you get some fucking nice ass rose and sit down and watch us do this live with two incredibly special guests for $15. It may not be rose. I was gonna say, let's not commit to what it actually is, but you will get an alcoholic beverage.

It's specifically a great drink. Or a mocktail if you don't drink we're inclusive we're inclusive and we got you and you should get us by coming to see us and our friends Trevor Campbell and Tim Lagman because it's gonna be a fucking blast it's I'm preparing things and I find them funny I don't know if the game will be funny itself but I've been having an absolute blast putting it together and if you've been having an absolute blast putting it together And if you've been to our bad endorsement actually day that makes the show sound not good

Hey, you do a better job go. I'm going to have the best time of my life, and I don't care if you do god damn It ain't Did you know The band in love actually do you know why they were a real band? Do you know why band in Love Actually? Do you know why? They were a real band. Do you know why they didn't- Like the kids? The kids band? Oh no, like the Old Man Band? Yeah, yeah. Sure.

So apparently, because Love Actually I guess came out around like 9-11, and during a press thing they were being interviewed about 9-11, and one of the band members kept being like, this whole New York thing is getting blown out of proportion. They're killing elephants and whales. Why don't we care about the whales that are being killed? And the other band member was like, hey, Ted, shut the fuck up. He just kept being like, no, the elephants are more important than this terrorist attack that happened in New York. And he just kept being like no the elephants are more important than this terrorist attack that happened in New York And he just kept doing and it's like just tank their career because this man To hear more about fucking whales said that 9-eleven. You know what they should have given us that spot instead

We should have been in love actually we wouldn't have squandered it. It would have been we'd be wealthy by now We didn't even know each other back then we We were, I was still, we were in high school. It's true. You might've still been in like middle school. I was still unborn at that point. It's not true. It's not true at all. The look on Dan's face as he tried to take a drink, when that happened was worth it guys. Come to the show. It's going to be four Canadian podcast award winners on stage for the price of two. Yeah, that's true.

We should double the price because we have doubled the amount of Canadian podcast award winners. Okay guys, it's gonna be fun. Come to it. Dane, do you have anything to say before I launch into a beautiful list of the things we'll be discussing this week? I don't think so. Perfect. This week we're gonna talk about boyfriend hates I have a permanent bracelet with my two best friends? Dick is constantly hard. Is it really that weird for a guy to not try to get laid on the first date? And whole preferences. Interesting, now tense for the algorithm.

I put the arm in the camera. I can't, I can't go that far. It's all right, you gotta get the zoom. All right, this is by durian forsaken 8092. My 26 year old female boyfriend, 28 year old male hates that I have a permanent bracelet with my two best friends, but I don't see the issue. Does anyone have advice on the situation? I got a permanent bracelet with my two high school best friends a couple of years ago when we were all in the same city. We all live in different cities now as adults.

We have reunion trips every year or so. I've been with my boyfriend for five years now. He has made his dislike for the idea clear then, but I didn't think too much of it since I was excited and thought the idea was cute. He hadn't said much about it for a while, but I recently made a comment that had stretched out too much to the point I could slip it off, so I had to go get it resized. He said, or just take it off and never put it back on. I thought he was joking, but he proceeded to go off about how weird it was that I wear it and how I give my friends too much weight by doing that.

I never wear anything he gives me every day. I told him I do wear the things he gives me. This is the only piece I have I don't ever take off because it's permanent. So I can shower with it and sleep without ruining it or losing it. I always lose jewelry, so I tend to wear pieces I care about less frequently, so I don't get lost and cheaper pieces I don't care about in case I do lose them. He said if he got me something I could sleep and shower in I would wear it every day Oh, I said if he got something I could sleep and shower in I wear it every day

He said only makes sense of something on my body every day. That's related to my family or him He said if roles reverse, I would also hate it, but that's not true. I don't think it's a big deal It's not like a tattoo or something actually permanent I took the bracelet off for now, but I do really like having it Does anyone have advice on how to handle this situation? Is it weird to have this bracelet with my friends? I felt really sure it isn't weird and couldn't be an issue, but the more I think about it, the more I'm questioning it. Any insight is appreciated.

Edit for context. The friends are girls. He doesn't mind one of them, but he actively dislikes the other one because of her lifestyle choices. Nothing detrimental. He just doesn't agree or support That's a whole different combo and it again the lifestyle choices She likes to drink and go to bars nothing about racism or sexuality at it again It's a thin gold chain that sits on my wrist. No charms or embellishments Okay, I'm good. I was like what the fuck is a permanent bracelet. Yeah, have you not seen them? They're like, you know, you know, like a bracelet usually has a clasp or whatever Yeah, it's like a metal thing that they like literally like fuse onto you

They're like an arcane room that is locked on you have to kill the the five bosses that were present at the time of forging In order to yeah break your bond. Actually, they change that you just have to ring two bells now Oh, yeah, but ones in the north passed a bunch of bosses So it's like right they were like, hey, we don't condone killing but like you kind of have to kill them anyway Yeah, yeah, like I guess you could try like a non-lethal but like stealth is really hard to spec these days and also Like they're kind of dick. So I talked to them. They just try to fight you anyway, the music starts and you're like, oh, well There's the choir like I guess I guess yeah It's kind of weird when you're like trying to talk through them and the choirs

They're just like real fucking like just ready to go just fucking you could just see the Latin bubbling up into there Yeah, yeah for sure I don't remember the question. I just want to talk about this fake dark Have offended you you must ring the two bells. Or, tattered one, your boyfriend sucks shit and... Well, this is kind of what I was going to say. This bracelet may be permanent, but this fucking douchebag and your relationship with him is not. It's actually quite malleable, in fact, in the sense that you should take the clasp of this man and

undo him from your life. Ring his two bells. Yeah. One the north, one the south. Yeah that does sound kind of vaguely. Advocating for violence. And also like it does kind of sound sexual as well a little bit. Yeah. But also if someone wants to lightly ring my lower bells I can enjoy it upon occasion. Yeah. This is so I mean, like it's it's gaslighting one on one of like people being like, you shouldn't put any weight on your friends. I'm sorry. But when you date someone, they are and I'm not trying to sound like a dick here and I don't want people to take this the wrong way. But like, depending on how new the relationship is, you are lower on the totem.

You are lower on the like hierarchy of importance, right? Like friends and family or, or your constants, romantic interests kind of like come and go and they ebb and flow and they change and you break up and whatever. But it's like, if you have a solid group of friends that you are considering getting a permanent anything with, whether it is a tattoo or whatever. If you have friends that you're that close with, the likelihood that you guys are going to break up over the likelihood of you breaking up with a romantic partner are astronomically different.

So even later on, when you have a long-term life partner, that doesn't mean you just are like, friends don't matter. You know what I mean? That's not healthy. it's not good, and you shouldn't want that, let alone your partner shouldn't want that. You know what I mean? We're not here to be in terms of importance.

It's family, then partner, then blood, because I don't think that's helpful, and I also think it's bullshit. Some people's family sucks, right? Some people's friends are incredible. Some people put too much weight on their partner. You know what I mean? You should just- There's a horizontal plane, as opposed to a vertical one, right? Where it's like exactly

there are different levels of importance. Whereas like you said, like a family could be shit, but there's still an importance to that element, whether it's of non-importance, if that makes sense. But like, yeah, you're right. Like it shouldn't be like a ranking system because my friends are very important to me in a much different way that my partner's important to me. Yes, and that's the thing. It's like you're no less important than my partner. You know what I mean?

And I don't think that will ever change. I'm not gonna get to the point where it's like, oh, it's been, it's actually been eight years. So you're kind of less important to me now. We're gonna slot you down into rank seven here and did you ever have myspace when they made you rank your friends like the top five or whatever yeah that's well I will say I never had a myspace account damn I think I got one very late into the game when it was like in its dying throws for a man to that I was kind of yeah or

starting it's just a wild move and I really think Gen Z could benefit from when it was like in its dying throws for a band that I was kind of in or starting. It's just a wild move. And I really think Jan Z could benefit from having to go through the turmoil of ranking your friends. And like when people would like change it, that's the worst. You're like, Oh, something happened. Yeah. Because now things have changed and I am, I'm number three now or, you know, I

know I've been placed in one because they're pissed at number two, who's really still one, but they want them to feel it. I wish I could remember the name of the social media website that I used, like kind of in lieu of. Bebo. No, it was. Bebo was the big Irish one.

I don't remember what it was, but it was like, it was very similar to MySpace in which you could like customize your page, like you could like different fonts and layouts fonts and throwing your janky HTML. Did it also play songs? The second, that was a nightmare. Unfortunately, there was no, and we all did it. It's great because you'd go onto a page immediately be assailed by whatever they put on there. And then the like terrible text color and background pattern.

Yeah. The flaming text just rotating around that you made on flamingtext.com. Yeah, there's like moving bananas in the background and your like font is all bright pink and you're just like, cool, this hurts every sense. Yeah. The only thing it didn't do was like stab you. I think there was a lost art to the absolute unhinged creativity of like early day websites, like GeoCities websites. I think there is something that like, I would love to know how many GeoCities websites existed at a

time in which there was a animated GIF of like under construction or coming soon. Like how many people were like, I'm going to make the next big website. Cause I knew like, I thought that when I made my website, I was like, this is it. is it this is gonna be it boys I'm not gonna have a domain name it will be whatever my fucking username is dot geo cities dot com and it will be huge and it will just be stolen content from the other websites that are huge we could have had it all and we went and ruined it okay back to the question This level of insecurity is shitty. Also the fact that your boyfriend's like, she drinks, she goes to bars.

Not for me. Like, come on. Yeah. This guy sounds like he's zero amounts of fun. He sounds like a stereotypical, like if me and Dame were thrown in a room right now and we were like, Hey, write a romantic comedy and your partner has to have like the lamest or like the female lead has to be the lamest boyfriend imaginable. We'd start off with this seat. It'd be like, you have a permanent bracelet with your two best friends from college. That should be with me. My body, your body is my real estate.

Oh, you're hanging out with Cheryl. You know, I don't like it when you hang out with her. She's crazy. alcohol oh you guys are going to a club yeah it's like he sucks how can you how could you type this post and not be like my lame baby boyfriend is a big shit bag it's a big baby boy big baby boy shit bag. Yeah, I mean, that's it. Right. Like I think just generally if someone is upset about like you should be able to as an adult be able to look at a situation and be like, this means nothing. This objectively, whether it's like it doesn't have to be something as big as like a tattoo or bracelet.

It could be you guys sharing a sweater that you guys pass around from month to month or whatever, right? Like a sisterhood of the traveling sweater. That means a lot. How dare you say that means nothing. It's also maybe the harbinger of like another great disaster and we need to know. So yeah, that's a deep cut from a different podcast from a piece we didn't even air. Yeah. Wonderful wonderful But I will say the clues are there the clues are there look into sisterhood of the traveling pants And if you solve our crazy Theory hit us up. This is our our fucking like years from now When people are searching for our hidden treasure ala the DaVinci code This is this is the first clue to clue to like put it all together.

Um, it, I mean, like it just, if you, you should be able to recognize when something is a sweet gesture amongst your friends that is completely harmless, completely nothing in terms of like severity and impact to another relationship. You should be able to recognize that. And then if someone comes in and makes a big deal about that, you should be able to recognize that. And then if someone comes in and makes a big deal about that, you should be able to be like, this isn't a big deal. And if it is a big deal for you, then I don't think we're the right person

because I do plan on continuing to do significant gestures and symbolic gestures with the people that matter in my life. And I'm not gonna look for permission to be like, hey. Nor do I have to. Yeah, me and my friends are gonna go on a camping trip. It's like, is he gonna freak out about that? Like, it's just. Well, let me tell you, this isn't the only thing he's annoyed about.

He's not like, oh, I love when you take trips with these guys. I love when you talk to them. I love when you spend time with them. This is just step one. Or at least the one he feels most comfortable about, probably because he's like, oh, permanent. So I'm allowed to get annoyed about that.

He's pissed when you hang out with them. He's pissed when you spend time with them. He's pissed that you guys are close. I know this. And look, this is, as we've talked about before, gaslighting 101, manipulating 101, is to drive a wedge between the people that are important to you, to isolate you,

to make sure that like you don't have any other support system other than him and to see someone have such a significant relationship with someone to as to get a permanent bracelet is incredibly threatening to a man who only knows how to control people or to validate their love and affection through control and that's are you are you ready for the update I found? Oh, I love it they had a talk and She says he said it isn't classy. It's the equivalent to having a tattoo in his point of view He says it cheapens an engagement ring since I'm wearing something that connects me to somebody else It's childish and immature and if we were married he would not want me wearing that and my ring

It would only have to be my ring. He said he would understand if I bought it for myself, but he doesn't get it. It's something two other people also have. He also said he didn't choose to date them. So why would I want to be like them? He says the body is very sacred and considers everything he puts on it and wouldn't want me to see it the same way. I honestly think he's reaching. Not sure where to go from here, but the implications about why he doesn't like it feel bigger than what I was really thinking. No shit. Yeah. The body is sacred. I bet he puts gnarly stuff on his body. I promise you this man is probably dressing in Walmart. Again, no shame to anyone who dresses in Walmart clothing, but you can't be like,

who dresses in Walmart clothing, but you can't be like, I, my body is a temple and sacred, and only the finest materials can be put upon them. Like, no, dude, I promise you you're buying the cheapest shit. And if you're not, you're a douchebag because you're thinking that only the most expensive shit is worth going on your body, which is also a stupid take. Like, there's no way you can have this. Also, things tattoos aren't classy It's like god dude like yeah, I'm on like no this guy judge city over here and not in a fun way Yeah, he's not one of those cool judges. Yeah

No dump him. That's it. Yeah, fuck it. Don't even have a conversation with this guy dump him get a tattoo Get a tattoo that just says you dumped get a permanent bracelet with him and then dump him Yeah, just to rub it in. Get a permanent bracelet accept their handcuffs and lock them to a moving train. I know I did start this question being like I don't think we should advocate for violence However, I've changed my mind. Alright hit me. Okay, but I just said I'm not gonna ever give you my What one did I say oh this one one world ends for 20 Kyle asks Dick is constantly hard around my girlfriend my girlfriend a 19 year old female and I had 22 year old male Recently moved in together, and I've discovered a new problem every time we cuddle My dick is really hard no matter how many times we had sex that

Day the other day we had sex like three times. I'm extremely tired So I cuddle up next to her and BAM rock solid again She has a very high libido mine is slightly high so it matches But I want to have intimate cuddle time without getting her horny and get my dick hard I'm not horny every time it gets hard. It just seems to... I just can't seem to separate cuddles with sex. Help. I get it. Yeah, man. You're a 22 year old man. You're lucky that a stiff breeze isn't giving you an erection. Mm-hmm. I still find it hard to separate cuddles from boners.

It's very tough to have a person that you are sexually attracted to wiggle their little butt into you. Mm-hmm. And then you're like well okay like I yeah I have no level of horny right now I am quite tired and but I cannot count the amount of times I've been like I'm so fucking tired like it's just been a week like we have a little time let's hop in bed we'll do a little cuddle we'll just rest and then the second we cuddle, I'm like, hmm, suddenly not tired anymore in any way, shape or form. It's, it's fine. I would say the only problems are if one, your dick begins

to hurt from, you know, like that dog that wagged his tail so much during the pandemic that it sprained its tail. Yeah. If that happens to you via dick if you're working to take off a tail Dogtail dick And we got the title of the episode. Yeah, there it is. If you have covered dogtail dick, that's a problem you know the main if you are like having sex when you don't want to just because your dick is hard or if your partner feels like they have to have sex with you because Your dick is hard or if your partner's like really again and feels that you having a hard dick is like you pressuring her for sex or anything like that then it's problems but if it's just like well turned on and it's not painful or uncomfortable if you are cuddling and

you don't actually want to have sex and you just happen to get hard maybe like explain that to your partner be like hey look they're gonna be times where I am cuddling you and I will get hard That doesn't necessarily mean I want to have sex or you know start the cuddle session off with being like I'm very tired Okay, I want to just snug and it's a great way to practice communications and communications communication and Like setting expectations and just like being open and honest. I think you're fine. Yeah, you're good.

And look, you guys are young. You've recently moved in together. You're in that beautiful honeymoon phase. Where it is, it's nice to know that it's there all the time. And you guys have the opportunity to, you don't have to booty call each other anymore. There's no waiting or anything. It's just kind of just kind of at a drop of a hat.

You could be due with him. So I have a feeling that it's probably going to like kind of level out a little bit in terms of novelty. But as you said, it's like, yeah, we're like as an almost 40 year old man. This is still a thing that happens to me. So like it's fine. You're good again just once people aren't getting upset by it or giving the wrong impression but if they are perfect time to practice your communication skills and you're golden. Yeah. I don't know why it really

tickled me I thought you were gonna say you're in this big beautiful bed instead of beautiful honeymoon phase and I don't know why I was like probably a shit bad honestly. I had a terrible bad at 20. Yeah, no I've always had pretty decent beds Like small though. I mean I've always had like at least a queen damn. He a bougie boy Yeah, actually I guess I did is it weird for a guy to not even try to get laid in the first date Got home from a date last night, and I dropped her off brackets after our first date. Yeah, we know she texted me Said well clearly you weren't that into me. You didn't even try to get laid tonight. After being married to what I thought was the love of my life for six years and together for eight,

I'm new on the dating market. I've been on dates with four different women, clearly still relearning the ropes here and starting to think times may have changed rapidly in the eight years I was off the market. On each first date, I never even tried to escalate things further, even if I am attracted to them sexually. Just want to get to know them better, let them know I'm not a creep just trying to get in their pants and I'm looking for something long term. Fast forward to last night and take a girl out for our first date. Things are going well. At least I feel that they were. She was laughing a ton and seemed to be enjoying herself and I enjoyed her company and felt strongly attracted to her. After

we were done with dinner, I take her back to her apartment and said, Hey, had a great time tonight. Let's do it again soon. She now texts me later that night and repeated. She had a good time I replied said yet me too. Are you available this weekend? She said whoa wasn't expecting a follow-up date seemed like you weren't into me when I asked why she said well You weren't that into me. You didn't even try to get laid tonight She then goes on to say it's usually the girl that controls when the sex happens now I feel like a total loser should have been getting laid on the first date. I mean, I don't know if this is just a bad move on her part in terms of being like,

I was ready to bone down, like I'm cool, like the next time we hang out, I would like to fuck you. And you're taking it too far? Or alternatively, it could be just like a really shitty passive aggressive woman who like felt slighted they were just like security is is rearing its ugly head here I'm not sure now oh okay third option a third option third option is he really dumb and missed all the hints you know I mean like hey you want to come like can you drop me home or like come back to my apartment yeah sure you want to like come up and grab a cup of tea? No. Oh, really? You don't want to say no. Like, like I think there there is a level of like if you're dropping

hints that would commonly be known as hints, like if you're being a little coy, but in a very standard sense. And then they're just like, no, that then if you no, then if you're saying in code, hey, let's go bone, and they're just saying no, you could take it that way. There are times when people are being obvious and if you're being oblivious, it comes off as a rejection. Sure, yes, but I don't know, I feel like if you repeatedly say like, hey, I had a great time, I'd like to do this

again, you could still be like, okay, this guy's a fucking puppy dog who doesn't get it. I don't think, right, like I don't think, it would be different if it was like, he fucking rolled to a rolling stop, and was just like, alright, have a good one, and just kept going. Then I would understand.

But like to, it seems like there was very obvious communication of being like, I would like to do this again. So I don't think there's much surprise. He's like, hey, I will say there is also a like a politeness thing of being like, this is great. We should do it again. The people will also say sometimes when it was not great and they shouldn't do it again. So there's there's potential that that happened. I think across the board, there's I don't think you need to freak out about this.

Right. No. I think just across the board, there's, I don't think you need to freak out about this, right? No. I think like, if it went so well that someone is upset that you didn't try to make a move, then clearly you're fine. You know what I mean? Like things have gone well, and it might just be that this person's a little weird

because it feels like they are overreacting. I think, like I really do think you need to suss out the intention behind that message if She's trying to make you feel bad or trying to guilt you or or something like trying to make you like Feel less than a man or whatever right even if she's upset or angry Yeah, you know I mean because I don't think that's fair no so like if she's being playful Wink wink nudge nudge next time great cool you get to have a fun banter being like well I won't make that mistake again, or like you know let me make it up to you great like that could be good But if she is actually kind of being shitty about this. That's right like city. That's I think that's it right like that

I think you really need to sort of like test the waters and do a little poking and do a little testing to figure out What was the intention? sort of like test the waters and do a little poking and do a little testing to figure out what was the intention and how was she feeling and like how this message is supposed to be read. And if she's being shitty about it, I think you can be like, well, I don't really love that vibe. And like I, I move at my own pace and like, I don't think that any one person should be in control of sex, right? Like it's also kind of a toxic, like women control, like, you know what I mean? Like, what's the, like, I don't know, I've seen people be like, it's cute that men think they have any

input on whether they have sex in the first three dates. And it's like, well, they do. Yeah, because otherwise it is a crime. Yeah, because it seems like the, I mean, the toxic masculinity of the nature, and this is how sort of men always want it. Yes, it's that men want to have sex. And it's only when a woman finally submits. I mean and the toxic masculinity of the nature and this is how sort of men always want it Submit yeah, and it's like I oh it's like men don't have any say whether we have sex or not It's like well That's under the assumption that men are always wanting to have sex with you and and look no 10 you're probably correct But we've all seen the cuddle boners. Yeah, we know what we do We've all seen the cuddle boners. Yeah, we know what we do.

Yeah, I think if you send a playful text back and you're met with more sort of passive aggressive, you know, yeah, some like insecure hostility, I think you could just be like, look, it's kind of weird that you're getting so hung up with the fact that we didn't hook up that I don't know if I want to pursue this because if this is how you're going to be prior to sleeping with you, I don't really want to be walking on eggshells constantly worried that I'm not doing what you think is societally normal or that you think that you have all of the say in our sexual relationship. That doesn't sound fun to me at all. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing. Although the whole like usually it's women who control blah, blah, blah.

Is she just upset that it didn't happen? Or again, is that pointing to her being like, Hey, I did this and this and this and you just didn't pick up on it. Yeah. Which is, yeah. At the end of the day, it's like, I think you fire back a friendly, flirty, funny message about, you know, maybe like, well, next time if you want, we can start at your place and see you where that goes and how that gets played. And if she's like, that sounds like a great idea. Cool.

Then I think you're, I think you're in the, you're in the fun phase. Uh, if, if it's any other thing being like, well, no, I, well, now I expect blah, you know, then it's like, okay, you sound like you suck Yeah, I will say my only Concerns about this never sleep with people on the first date like approach which you're like should I should I not? I say one do what you want So if you want to continue to do this totally fine the caveats being one if you make it a rule for no reason You know, I mean if you're just like I really to, but I made this rule so I can't do it, that's

dumb because it's not a one size fits all and you might be like not having the best date you could one day, you know what I mean? Two, if you aren't clear, you might leave people confused, you know what I mean? If you're really stepping back the physical nature and you're just like being so like unsexual that people are confused, which you don't have to sleep with someone to have it be clear that you're into them.

But I think just to make sure that you aren't giving mixed messages or coming across a little too friendly, or not friendly, but you know what I mean, not interested. Platonic is the word. Having a manufactured chasteness to your dates isn't going to play well at all. Like no one's going to look at it and be like, oh, well, he was such a gentleman because he, you know, kept his hands. It's like, I think a lot of people would be like, are you into me?

Are you like, what is your vibe right now? I'm having a hard time because it's not genuine. Like if you were, if you were just acting the way that you act and that's just how you behave, great. But the second you start like projecting an attempt to appear something, then it's going to come off as weird. Like anyone who's got any level of like bullshit detector, it's going to start pinging and it might not, they might not know why. they might be like, I don't know why you're being weird But you're being weird and it's negatively affecting my you know attraction to life And also does that now mean date to your like different Greg? Are you like, hey, let's bone like

Different yeah. Yeah, how different is date one to date two? Are you like cool? I'll take that box. No more. Mr Nice, Greg like is it does it get weird and Lastly, I can't remember what the last one was either way those points stand. I don't think there's anything wrong with it I don't think anyone's like oh or apart from this one person. Oh, he didn't try to sleep with me. Like you'll be fine I just think don't make it a hard and fast rule to the detriment of how you're feeling and make it a hard and fast rule to the detriment of how you're feeling. And on top of that, don't act in a way that isn't natural

and then don't switch it up, date too, and you know what I mean? And I think the last thing was just don't be oblivious and miss people's cues, right? You're also operating under the guise that there is a universal truth in terms of how you should act on a date. Cause he's like, oh, have the rules changed?

There were never rules. Yes, they just there's just also like like we were we were dating eight years ago, like in the single open market. And it's like I was dating or I was sleeping with almost everyone on the first day. Yeah, yeah. It's like nothing has changed. And it didn't take any like bamboozling. Like it was all very enthusiastic and usually like on their side or, you know, I mean, just like a very simple,

you wanna go back to my place? And it was like, there wasn't, it wasn't like I was finding this like secret underground alternative subsection of women that wanted to have sex on the first day. It's like, did I run into some who were like, eh, I don't really wanna do it on the first day? Yes, of course.

And that was great. That was fine. I didn't care. But there was- And sometimes there were times where it didn't and then we went on to be great Sometimes there were times where did and it didn't go any further Yeah, sometimes the complete opposite were you know, like it there was never a rule and this definitely hasn't changed So stop being weird like that. If anything, I imagine that like women are now more

Comfortable having sex. Well, clearly now they're angry that we're not. Yeah, just do what you want to do. If the vibe of the date, if you guys are having incredible sexual chemistry and you're at one of your places and it seems like you both want to bone down, go bone down, don't worry about external weird rules and societal, like you think this is how it's supposed to be just do what you want as long as everyone's consenting everyone's happy

everyone's vibing no one cares. On that same note if you go on five dates in a row and all five of them are annoyed you guys didn't hook up but you didn't want to and then on date six you still don't want to don't do it just because one through five we're like why didn't you yeah do, do what you want, do what you feel comfortable. It goes both ways, right? We're not saying you should or you shouldn't, we're just saying don't make weird decisions for weird reasons.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, we talk about it a lot too, where sometimes people will hit you with the same sort of thing of like, oh, you could come up, but we're not gonna have sex and then get upset when you don't try to push and, you know, weasel your way into sex.

And then they're like, well, you're obviously not interested because like that's- Cause you didn't do crimes. We got this a lot in that sense. We never really got it. I didn't really get it from a whole lot of like, well, you didn't try to sleep with me. So it's usually like they would,

we would be in the position to have sex. They say they don't want to, so I wouldn't. And then I'm getting shit for it. As Niall said, don't take that behavior as, oh, this is how it's supposed to be. Consent is always king. If someone says they don't want to have sex. And even though you got in trouble with the last four or five women for not trying to, to brute force your way into having sex, despite the fact that they said they didn't want to. And then, you know, reprimanded you for not doing it. This doesn't mean this isn't like, oh, this is how the game is played. So the next time someone says they don't want to have sex,

I'm just going to ignore that and try to convince them. Otherwise, no, if someone says they don't want to have sex, they don't want to have sex. And if they're playing a stupid game, that's their fucking fault. Yeah, and they're going to win stupid prizes, i.e. Nacho Dick. Yeah. I will say-

The stupidest prize of all. The stupidest prize. I think on two occasions I've had people be like, wow, you obviously weren't into me, you didn't make a move. And in both those cases, they were giving off terrified vibes. You know what I mean? Towards the end of the night, they're like rigid and backing away.

And I'm like, OK, like I'm not like, why would I do that? And like one of them, I literally had to be like, yo, I was super into you. I thought we were having a really good time. But it was like any time I got near you, you were like, oh, and I'm like, I got the picture. You were just giving the wrong picture. Yeah. And I would rather go and be like, oh, it picture, you were just giving the wrong picture. Yeah. And I would rather go and be like, oh, it's a bummer that never happened than make you

massively uncomfortable. 100%. And in one case, we went on another date now that we could actually communicate. In the other case, she had moved away and married someone with the exact same name as me. Yeah. Get replaced. Which is weird.

There's not that many Niles out there. I could think of at least three. Yeah. Well, she married one of them. Yeah She did I don't think I don't know I mean who's that? Wait, who's the third Nile the third? Never mind Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right next question this comes from One's now horn, right? One is now horn yes yeah okay okay this the second best Niles I'm say subtle throwaway is poster of this question my boyfriend

prefers my mouth over my pussy I don't know why I said that like John Mulaney but he told me this directly when I asked which he preferred I know this isn't particularly a bad thing but I kind of feel butthurt about this. Why? I don't know. I did ask questions so I know I can actually be mad at him. Anyways, any words of wisdom or advice to help me feel more positively slash confident about this? Why would you ask a question that you don't want to hear an honest answer to? That is a dumb thing to do.

I think this is a pandemic. This is an epidemic for everyone. Right. Like, and I think the worst one of it is how many people have you slept with? Right. Yeah. I think that is a question that everyone asks and then freaks the fuck out about the answer, because I don't think, I mean, unless you're like a piece of shit,

dude who wants to hear that this woman has never slept with any, or maybe like one person so that You're not fucking a virgin But like I don't think anyone is satisfied with the answer right like yeah And like I think if you're going to ask you a question like this you got to think like is there any way I come Out of this happy right and a lot of them It's no and if if it is do I come out as happy, is it I only come out as happy in one really specific circumstance? Yes. And then is that really...

A word for word verbatim answer that I require to hear. I really love them both equally because you're amazing. Like, no. Look, this doesn't matter. You asked a question you shouldn't have and he gave you an answer. Guess what? One of those two things you control the process of way more than the other, right? Unless you're like, yeah, no. If you're in like Kegel City and it's just been, you know, you have just been Kegeling since the day you could Kegel and you just have like ultra incredible like instinctive control down there. And even then you don't have a free range appendage down there I assume you don't know those two are you a doctor Nile yes

I am damn since we started this show we say one I am not a professional well guess what I've gone and I've become is there a tongue down there though doctor and the answer after four years of study, no. Until there is. Not mostly, not usually. Like one of them you control. You can control like suction, your lips, the speed, your tongue, like you're doing so much more. Noise. Eye contact, like you know there's a lot that you're doing. The other one is kind of just like, there you go. This is is why, I'm glad you brought this up, because this is kind of why I wanted to bring the question.

I knew we were gonna talk about sort of like the, don't ask questions you don't want the answer. Is there a tongue or not? Yeah. Is there a tongue in a vagina or not? No one knows, right? We've looked, but we're not sure if it's hiding. It could be hiding around the corner.

We don't know what's around the corner. You know how there was like the classic, it's the joke of like, oh, it's up your button around the corner we don't know what's around the corner you know there's like the classic joke of like oh it's up your button around the corner that came from the mystery of the tongue corners yeah what that mouth do we don't know but as now mentioned I I could not give you a accurate description, I think, of vaginal sex that I had with any partner. In terms of, it felt good. That's a very good point, actually. I would not be able to be like, this one person had an incredible pussy and it blew my mind and changed.

However, I can tell you about incredible blow jobs that I've gotten with a very specific level of detail. So think of it this way, look at what's the most famous song about a vagina? WAP, right? It's mainly about how wet it is. It's not about her talent therein with it necessarily. It's about, you know,

wetness, mine's just so wet, right? Not like I can work mine incredibly. However, what's the most famous song about blowjobs apart from whistle by Flowrider. It's throat goat. You can't be the vag boss. I promise you that's not the most famous song about blowjobs.

Hey, Dane, hey Dane, it should be. Yeah. It should be. You can be the throat goat. There's a lot of things that should though. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Yeah, I'm just like- Proven.

I think if push came to shove, most people would say mouth over vagina. It's also very possible that either, two things have happened here. One, it's, let's run through the list. One, it's true. Who cares? That's good, it's a compliment to you.

Two, he thinks this is more of a compliment because it involves more work and more skill, and you're involved, and he's like, oh, I should, you know, whatever. Three, it's more of a treat because you do the other stuff more because it's collaborative as opposed to oral, which is often like it's you are pleasuring me and like doesn't happen this often, right? So if it's a treat, maybe by definition, it is more exciting because it happens more rarely or he's playing a sneaky game to try to make it happen more by saying yes or for he's got whole blindness and he doesn't know which is which shit shit no idea and that it can be really dangerous because that's

actually skewed a lot of our research because then people go I found a tongue lo and behold there's no corners. It's a mouth. That's that's what I'm saying here. Yeah, a lot of people are out there. A lot of people who suffer from whole blindness. Yeah. Are like guys. You keep saying there's no tongue.

Yeah. But there is. I've found every time I've looked in one. Everyone I've been with has had a tongue in their vagina. And then you have to be like, it's their mouth. You're like, yeah. And it's crazy because they don't have body blindness. They know what's ahead They just forget when they look at it. Yeah, it's a whole it's a big thing What the hell are we doing here? I think I think this man is trying to compliment you and even if he isn't trying he still is you're good

Don't worry about it. Yeah, I mean that's it it, right? Like, you're thinking of one of the answers is better or worse. He's told you that he likes something that you do. And just because, like, there's no difference in, like, if you ask, like, what sex position would you rather have? Like, missionary or doggy? It's almost like doggy. It's not like he's saying he doesn't wanna look at me.

And he's like, no, that's just the one he likes. It's fine. Unless he's shitty. I don't know. Now, the thing is, would you have been OK with roles reverse or would you then be like, wow, like he doesn't like when I go down on him, that thing I do and I put practice and I have to like probably, probably. So don't ask these questions.

Yeah, just don't or don't. Are you ready? Yeah. Final question by Paradiddle, senior. What does it mean if a girl says I'm cute shit? Don't ask these questions. Yeah. Just don't. Or don't. Are you ready? Yeah. Final question by Paradiddle Sr. What does it mean if a girl says I'm cute shit? She interested in me. I've known her a long time.

I think it's a compliment. Just can't be too sure. Thanks in advice, guys, gals, and then praying hands emoji. Can never be too sure. I have no idea. Cute shit. I wish there was more context like I want

to be like country of origin could you use it in a sentence? Mm-hmm yeah. Right like is she saying you think you're cute shithead? Yeah. I'm a cute shit. I like there's there's a lot of ways that it could be used that I think like oh you think you're being cute shit like like it's still weird like I don't think Cuz like hot shit isn't typically hot yeah, right? Yeah, cuz there's level right there's hot shit. There's pretty shit There's cute shit Handsome shit yeah, I can't but he could do this question. I can't answer it It's a mystery much like the old tongue enigma. Yeah

Yeah, but hey best part is they do kind of answer it in the question. She's interested in me Well, who cares what she calls you? Well, I think you do should care a little bit of what you Yeah Just start calling her cute shit back. Yeah, and then it's your Back she's like what like you say to me. Were you trying to offend offend me this whole time Yeah, what if she's sexy shit? You know? Well, that's worried that she got downgraded That's a fun game to play in which you choose the what you think she is Do you think she's pretty do you think she's sexy do you think she's hot whatever?

Right and then hit her with that and that could be your cute little couple thing because every couple has like a weird thing that They call each other right hey vivacious shit Hey gorgeous shit guys. We have a patreon and you should join it because we're about to get into some real unhinged shit Yeah, anytime we do a record Not hot shit. I guess weird and I've been yanking. Yep. Dan's been just pounding brews. Yeah, very worrying Not but this happens every time he has to look at my face. I don't drink brews Okay, delicious refreshing seltzers But guys we have a lot of stuff over there. We had some deep dives. We got some movie reviews We got some normal episodes and by normal I mean slightly unhinged and also rare that you cannot find elsewhere. Yeah

We love you. Please go support us over there If you want the show to keep on going. Come to our show if you can. Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for your song Paper Stars and are you ready for some slightly long bad sex writing? I guess. This is a series of posts that someone sent to someone they just matched with on Tinder. There has not been a reply and there's an hour and 20 minute gap between the first batch and the second. So when I say gap, you're skipping forward in time an hour and 20 minutes. I'm not sure what you necessarily are looking for, but

I'd love to bend you over and really stretch you out. Multiple rounds of it. You're so hot. I prefer to also not pull out. If that's not what you're looking for, I am so sorry. Gap. I'd love to have my hands around your hips as we kiss, stroke one through that lovely hair of yours, while the other reaches around that peach emoji, eventually to playing with your cat emoji, getting it to be as drenched as Niagara Falls, putting you on your side, one leg up above mine, while I slide in so our eyes are in contact with one another.

I get to see the side of your boobs bouncing. After I come, having you get into doggies so I can absolutely hard as fuck. When I have you in the doggie position, I want to pull that hair just enough to see your neck. Watch it vibrate while you moan. I want both to do this while you're ass in the air and while you're flat in your stomach. When I make a creme pie, I hope you'll tell me to lay down so you can ride me with your

hips twisting, looking into my eyes, kissing me while you feel more seeds erupte inside you, saying, damn damn you actually came through And yes, I did read them as spelled Yeah, I Mean unless I should be calling it a cream brulee this whole time Yeah, crime a crime by a Oh, your seeds are erupte. Look, I don't know who needs to hear this, and I'm talking mostly to men, but I've had women say this before too, to me.

Nobody wants to hear you say the word seed in relation to ejaculate. Especially not in this case, seeds. Yeah. That's just bad. Like, unless you're doing old-timey sort of Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin role play. So, just real quick, it's fiction. It's not old-timey. What? It's fiction. Yeah, but it happened a long time ago. No I could write World War two fiction. It still happened back then Idiot I can't can argue with that you dumb bitch the dragon scars are still Seed knowledge all over your brain. Hey your brain just got creme pieed My name is Dave Miller.

And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies.