F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 349 - Rest in Hell, Peter Steele

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

Catch this episode before it disappears like the Declaration of Independence or whatever they're to steal in Now You See Me 3D.  Topics include tearing and texting, bringing up the snip, altar to an asshole, treat your dick pics like food bloggers.

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niles Payne, and we are your fuck buddies Welcome back. We're, we're as dating and sex advice podcasts where we take your sticky, sexy situations and take them and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Nailed it. Yeah.

Simply put, we're sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions online or from our wonderful twisted listeners and we answer them right here, right now on the topics of sex and dating. That's too late. You missed the live show twists The nurse twisted twist centers to centers and maybe you didn't miss the live show. Maybe you were there Maybe you were there. Maybe you weren't we don't know because it hasn't happened yet But deep down, you know, and I know and now knows in our soul Because the soul it's not a flat line. No not like this pan that Danes waving at the camera

This is my soul as a magic my magic segment in which I do close-up and go where to go Now you see me now you fuck buddies But Danes magic is all based around a child's understanding of object permanence So he just raises above the camera who's just moving it off camera Have you seen that they're making another now you see me? Yeah. And it looks like Fast and Furious. Well, I know, like international. I've never kind of. So the best thing about the movies is there is the implication that like

they are just stage magicians, but then they do things that like are possibly be true. Legit magic. Yeah. And it's like, so there's this idea that like perhaps they are magical people But like but none of them is there the idea that they're international superheroes like it seems like they are in movie three Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's always kind of like the I don't know how much I can't remember too much about them But like they do they are like globe or at least America trotting Like magic heroes.

The only thing I know about it is I saw the one scene where they're like throwing the secret card while they're all being searched. And like the best part is it's fucking insanely ridiculous but they do pass it after they've been searched to the current person being searched. Just like you've been searched, you could just keep it. Well, why would they do that?

I guess that's not magic. I mean, if I remember correctly, at one point in time, the guy is standing in the middle of like a courtyard and stops the rain, like the rain stopped and starts going back up into the sky. And I'm like, that is magic. That's magic. Yeah. Like you can't do like, you can't have just rain in a localized place. Like unless you have like a thing making the like-

Anti-rain machine, obviously, Dan, you fucking idiot. Should we make this our next Patreon watch? Even though it has nothing to do with sex and dating. It is, I, you know that there was just some guy like, who's been like edging himself for years. However long the first one came out because it's called like now you don't or whatever. Now you see me now you don't. And it's like you know you know that guy was just like oh we're gonna get there one day

and it's gonna be so fucking good. He's like finally when they're like all right Steve can you pitch your new movie and it's just like he's just in pure orgasmic bliss being like now you see me now you know you don't know you didn't interrupt me yelling at the people who may or may not have been to our live show but I guess it's done so it doesn't matter it did happen in the past if you're hearing this it has happened in the future if you're recording this so us yes and also Steve yeah and maybe my partner if she's lurking around the outside of the closet door You know what it's time to not talk about now

You see me and it's time to talk about what queries we'll be seeing such as ah fuck that one just got deleted Now you don't oh Our whole show where these all deleted because now you don't, Niall. You saw them previously, which was then. I'm wondering, is there a problem here? Yeah. Usually. You're obviously a bad guy.

And Jesse Eisenberg and Isla Fisher and Woody Harrelson and Dave Franco. Look, if Isla Fisher wanted to bust into my house and rob me, I'd be OK with it. Nine times out of 10, it is Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Har Harrelson two of the men I would least like to rob me actually Yeah, do you ever notice that like 90% of babies kind of look like Woody Harrelson? Like it's really hard for me to say what people like look I just had a kid I'm like That's Woody Harrelson you have a Woody Harrelson baby, and I'm sorry that it is a girl, but that's just like I get it.

I'm just I'm just stalling for you to find your questions. I found one of them. One of them has revitalized itself. So I do think there was a weird issue. But now I got to figure out which ones you're undoing the magic. Oh, yeah, that's the thing. I'm actually the greatest villain in the Now You See Me franchise, because I'm magic.

The greatest villain is Daniel Radcliffe We Daniel Radcliffe's in them. Yeah, man. It is great because he was Harry Potter who is magic. Okay? Well now you're gonna watch them. Yeah, he puts the rad in rad and he puts the cliff and cliffhanger. Okay, you ready? Yeah, talk about I have a minor tear from sex last night. Do I tell him over text? How would you bring up that you have a vasectomy? I'm a jerk I don't like other pictures of other guys in my wife and I's room. How can I take a more photogenic dick pic? I write this is by okay most 4400 I

22 year old female slept with this guy I've been seeing 25 year old male and noticed this morning I have a minor tear from last night Do I let him know right now over text or wait until Sunday when I see him again? I have been seeing 25 year old male and noticed this morning I have a minor tear from last night. Do I let him know right now over text or wait until Sunday when I see him again? I, 22 year old female, slept with this guy, 25 year old male, have been seeing for about a month now and we have started having sex only a handful of times. Edit, we were good friends before and have started seeing each other exclusively. Last night we slept together and I noticed I was bleeding a little bit afterwards but

nothing major so didn't think much of it. Went to check today because after I used the restroom I noticed I was still bleeding. Turns afterwards, but nothing major, so I didn't think much of it. Went to check today because after I used the restroom, I noticed I was still bleeding. Turns out I have a small vaginal tear. Like first degree, nothing worthy of stitches. I want to tell him about this right now, but he's on his way to stay with a friend for the weekend. Do I wait till he gets home from his trip,

or is this something I can just send in a short text? I don't want it to seem accusatory or blaming, but it's really weighing on my brain, so I want to talk to him about it as soon as possible. What is your goal of the conversation? Because it seems almost like accused like, like I don't know what the, what the goal is. Is it just to be like, Hey, the next time you like, we are hanging out on Sunday, just so you know,

I might not be in fucking form because of this injury or, or is it like, Hey, you need to know right now that your dick did sunder me? That's it. It's like, if this question was like, oh, he was really rough with me, or like he did something and I didn't want, you know what I mean?

Like I was like, hey, we need to use lube, and he was like, no, it's fucking fine. Like, in which case it would be, I guess, accusatory maybe, or you know, you have something to build off of. But if it just kind of happened and there was no wrongdoing, then I think it probably is more of a thing you guys just discussed next time or you make it your priority to have lube on hand.

If there wasn't something you can really point to, then maybe next time you just ensure that you have a little bit more lubrication. And I don't know why you would need to text him right now. You know, what's that going to do? If you do want to bring it up, that's also fine. Right? Like if you want to like if someone was just like, you know, told me about it, I don't think I would freak out.

I just I would just be like, I don't know what you would like to do. But like, yeah, I would feel bad. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I would feel quite bad about it. So if that's your goal, sure, but if they didn't do anything wrong, you know what I mean? I think that like, it just comes down to like, what you are looking for.

Like, are you looking for sympathy? Are you looking for someone to like understand? Are you looking for like, what's your end goal? What do you want out of this conversation? And if it isn't something that he can provide, like medical advice or something, then I don't know if it's necessary to have this sort of urgency to it.

But again, if you need to discuss something, as Nal said, if you do need to be like, hey, just a heads up, I did have a tear. So when we hang out on Sunday, we might not be able to sleep together. Cause you know, I like if, if that's the case, then sure that's fine. I guess it's important to sort of like communicate

that kind of stuff. That expectation. Sure. Yeah. Great. But if, if it's just sort of like to let them know, I don't really know what you're going to get out of it. And then I think you also need to temper your expectations because if you're just like, hey, I, you know, after we had sex last night, I have a vaginal tear.

I don't know what I could say to that other than like, oh, shit, I'm really sorry. Are you okay? Like, can we do something different? But if you're looking for a very specific reaction and a very specific, you know, a conversation to be had from it, I don't know if you'll get it because I don't know what you want out of this.

Yeah. I would offer sadness because I would feel very bad. I definitely don't want to hurt you, let alone with my dick and let alone in your vagina. You're just going to make them feel bad, which again, if they haven't done anything wrong, it feels like you don't need to immediately like reach out right now. You know what I mean? So I think they make a really good point is like figure out what you're looking for in this conversation and then figure out if that is like viable. You know what I mean? Like is it likely that the conversation will have that end or are you just kind of like, is it one of those things where you're a little

freaked out and you're just kind of like not lashing out but like being like, hey, this happened as if it is their fault when you know it isn't. But again, like they say they're exclusive, right? So like you are dating. This is your boyfriend, essentially, like whether you don't want know If I hurt my dick if like if I was shaving my dick or you know, shaving my pubes or whatever and nicked my dick I probably would be like texting my girlfriend and be like Like a fucking like up a day. You're like, you know, like I Think it's conversationally and more like I'm a dumbass I just did something then like then looking for a a meaningful dialogue well especially because they want to do it immediately like they say I want to text him right now but like fuck he's going to his

friends ass do I wait do I do it right now and it's like there doesn't seem to be like I'll just tell him next time or anything it seems to be a very like we need to do this right now and they're also concerned about sounding accusatory, which makes me think that there's an element of like, that in it, like I think they're aware that that's kind of like they're coming at it from a like, it's your fault. You know what I mean? Yeah, so I mean like, if you do really wanna talk about it,

that's fine, but maybe just like be like, we had sex, and I have a vaginal tear, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I'm okay though, you know what I mean? Like, if you just wanna get it out into the world by all means I don't think there's any harm in it If you're worried that they're gonna take it in an accusatory way either like one look at why that is is it because you're reaching Out with kind of a weird energy or do they kind of suck or you just overthinking it right? And if you're overthinking it, maybe just be like I don't worry

I know it's not your fault. And then just discuss like, again, is it, oh, we probably can't have sex next time, or the next time we do, let's get some lube. You know what I mean? Like if no one's done anything wrong, you can have this conversation, just make it be like, oh, heads up, this happened.

Like, I'm okay, I know it's not your fault, but like next time I think we gotta get some lube. Like it doesn't have to be a big deal. So it feels like you're overthinking it. Yeah, it seems like there's a combination of like you have an injury in a very scary place, regardless of how like minor you think it is. I know that like there have been times

where I've I've nicked myself shaving and I'm not happy about it. It's a little freaky, even though I know that it's like this is the most surface level, least threatening thing that's ever happened to my body. But like, I don't know, just just relax. And then I think there's also like the the the element of your new right? You guys are a new partner. You've just started sleeping together. So like, are you are you trying to be like, this isn't always going to happen? Like, I don't know, it's there's I do think you're panicking a little and I think you need to give yourself some time to figure it out before you, like you seem very adamant about doing it right now, right now, right now. Maybe give yourself some time to figure out

why you feel that need and then explain it at a more appropriate time for you. This comes from Rad Night. How would you bring up that you've had a vasectomy? I'm considering getting one because, hold on, I just launched my phone. I'm considering getting one. Fuck you, phone gone. I'm considering getting one because bringing a child with my issues into the world would be cruel. I doubt I have the mental capacity to take care of a child. Pills and condoms will not be necessary But I will never be able to have children. That's it. Yep one you can undo a vasectomy So you you know if that's a concern. I don't know if it's like

They say it almost like a downside like pills and condoms won't be necessary Don't won't be able to have children, but like you don't want children. That's reversible so Also, there's a lot that this man doesn't seem to understand about sex and children and anatomy I think yes and that's why I brought it right like I think there's a there's a very short question with a lot that needs to be correct it's the thing I thought there was gonna be so much more because it felt like it was gonna be a juicier morsel on the way but it's also there's juice spraying out of it at every hole. So gross.

So condoms won't be necessary. Hey, dude, have you heard of STIs? Yeah, I mean, like condoms will be necessary for you to avoid having a child. But your sexual partners may still require you to wear a condom because a vasectomies aren't 100 percent. And, you know, I mean, like, there are still instances where people get pregnant through a vasectomy. Two, as Nile just said, STIs are still very much a

thing and just because you can't have children doesn't mean you can't contract a disease. Or give one, yeah. Yeah. So yeah that's gonna be it. Another thing is like why would it be like what's the fear of telling someone about your vasectomy? Yeah that's the other thing it's like, what's the fear of telling someone about your vasectomy? Yeah, that's the other thing. It's like if you are getting into a relationship with someone and there is long-term potential, this is something that you should discuss, be like, hey, I've had a vasectomy, especially if they seem to want children and you don't want children.

That is a pretty core. This is like one of the big conversations that you have when you get into a relationship. Yes. Children is one of them. Children, marriage, where you want to live, those are the big kind of things that make people compatible. So regardless of whether you had a vasectomy or not, you don't want children. You think bringing children into the world because of whatever your issues are, I don't know what they are, but it's cruel. That's a pretty bad issue So if you regardless of whether you have a sex me or not you still have a conversation of being like I don't think I

Should have children. Yeah, that's thing. I think you got to talk about when your guys are having sex like I Don't know how necessary it is. But like I think if yours like I've affected me. Let's do it raw I think you'll maybe get like a bit of a pushback because again STIs and also it's like they don't know you so it's like you could, I think you'll maybe get like a bit of a pushback because again, STIs, and also it's like they don't know you, so it's like you could just say that, you know what I mean? Like, I was the girl who lied about birth control. So you know, if that's your thing, if you think you're going to immediately meet someone

and be like, we don't need anything, baby, let me just slide it in. It's like, I think you're going to be in for a rude awakening. Other than that, it is something you should bring up if you're considering something serious with somebody because again, you should be on the same page with regards to kids and your lifestyles going forward. I don't think it's the most necessary thing to have on like date one, but I also don't think it's a weird thing to bring up. No, not at all.

I think it's pretty mundane. It is mundane until you say, I had to get one because of all my issues, it'd be cruel to bring up a child with my, that's gonna beg the question, hey bud, what issues? Can we talk about? What about that? That I think is gonna be the harder conversation

between the two things that are brought up in this question. I think the harder conversation will be what your issues are and why that makes you unfit for being a father in your eyes. Because I think those are also things that you're going to have to tell your partner about. Yeah. And is that your fear?

Is it like that you're fun? Like, Hey, we could do it raw conversation will lead to, well, I don't have kids and here's my issues. Like, okay. But maybe they need to know. I want to know. Also, I do want to touch in very quickly where it's like you say pills and condoms. We talked about condoms, but like some women do take birth control to help manage other things.

Just because you can't get them pregnant, quote unquote, doesn't mean that they have to not use pills or get off birth control for your sake because you say they don't need it also like coming on and off birth control can be like quite devastating to your body as it like changes so it's like even if they're chill with that it's like them coming off is going to be its own whole fucking saga you know what i mean so ill-advised unless you really want to come off it you know so yeah dude you just got to you seem very very self-centered, right? Like this seems to be all about you and sex is at minimal, a two-person endeavor. And you need to understand that just because you don't require things doesn't mean other people don't require them. And just because you're comfortable with certain things

means that your sexual partners are. You don't get to tell someone that like you don't have to wear a condom because you had a vasectomy. You don't have you don't get to tell someone that they don't have to take birth control or that they shouldn't take birth control. They should get off birth control because you've had a vasectomy. That's not the way it works. Yeah, like you can put that option on the table if you want. But again, it's like in an early day situation, they're probably not going to care because again, STI is safety safety do they trust you etc etc

Why do I feel like this guy did this just to hit it raw? I don't feel like anything else in this question is true I don't think there's issues. I think he's just like we're issues. Well, he also did see he he also like hasn't gotten one Yeah, he's considering getting one. That's the thing cuz he right now He's like will people be weird if I say it and then when some people say oh blah blah blah He's like shit I won't be able to hit it raw because again if it was just about the kids surely the input of everything else wouldn't matter Yeah, I don't know, but it's bad if you were like to do cannot have kids. I have a curse It's bad

You wouldn't be like but is it gonna be weird with other people, should I just fuck my kids over by having them get cursed maybe? No, you'd still do it. Still do it. What, curse your children? Yeah, this is by Lule, 1895. Am I a jerk because I don't like pictures of other guys in my wife and I's room? We've been married for six years and within the last.

Now hold on, before you, is it her family members? Is it her dad? I'll let you guess, who do you think it is? I'm gonna guess it. You can be vague or you can name them and you will get different points depending on how specific you get. It's definitely gonna be a family member.

And I'm gonna say it is either her son or her grandpa. Those are my guesses. My wife and I have been married for six years and within the last, I'd say, year and a half she's become a huge type O negative fan. Not my favorite music, but I've never been bothered by our different music tastes. I love our differences. She has what she calls an altar in her room, which is really a little table with different odd things. That never bothered me either.

But recently within the last couple of months, she added two framed pictures of the lead singer of this band, a poster that has like 30 pictures of him shaped into a heart, and a candle and tile which she puts the candle on that day, Daddy Peter. I assume maybe on that say Daddy Peter? Because I don't know if there's a Daddy Peter Day and if there is, I should be alerted. Yesterday in the middle of a fight while just speaking our piece, I let her know how uncomfortable that stuff in our room made me feel. I don't think I'm wrong for feeling that way. She told me I shouldn't be insecure and trust her. I do trust her, but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. She said she would take them down, but in such a sad way.

Told her I'm not trying to be controlling, but I just thought common sense was most couples wouldn't have multiple different pictures and things over one person in the same room they connect in. She tells me I shouldn't be jealous considering he's dead, but I still feel weird about it. She told me if I had posters of model women in our room it wouldn't bother her, but my thing is I would never do that because I care and respect my wife enough to think she probably wouldn't be happy with that. One picture wouldn't have bothered me, but it's the fact she had multiple things of him like she's worshipping him. Also, that whole calling him daddy thing when I'm her husband is just like, what the hell? Who

wouldn't get upset over that? They have no idea how I can go fixing this messed up situation. So I looked up typo negative because I definitely thought it was gonna be like a Korean boy band. It is not. It is, oh, they look like they've killed people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought it was gonna be way more like emo-y. I thought it was like a fallout boy situation, not like this guy kinda looks like an extra from Twilight. Yeah, he's got like a weird sort of like, if someone took Henry Cavill and Robert Pattinson and made him the lead singer of a metal band. They're like, it's. But also like, not, like they mix them,

and you might think mixing two very attractive men gets you another attractive man. But no, it was more like you mix them And he's like look this is like yeah like no offense daddy Peter. I know you're dead. It doesn't matter I've never heard of this band. I thought I had but again. I thought they were an emo band, so I guess I'm incorrect Look, this is you know what in rare occurrences I take the side of the person who seems to be jealous. But I think I am taking his side on this. Usually I'm like, get over it, stop being jealous.

It's your own insecurities. I think there is an issue when you're like, oh, like, it seems like you're working. She's got an altar, my dude. That's the thing. It doesn't seem like she's worshiping him. She calls it an altar. Yeah. And she's calling him Daddy Peter, a dead man, a dead muscly metal man. Yeah. And it's the thing, it feels almost less that the pictures are the issue here and more so the whole thing. And I would- Yeah, I know the pictures are like the least most normalist thing of this like the lighting a candle for the dead singer like when did he die I don't know Peter death his name is Peter steel it's a great name though it is a very good name he's pretty buff I died April 14th 2010 in Scranton okay since forming typo negative in 1989 out of the ashes of crossover metal bands Carnivore,

Steel had attempted suicide, overdose, and even faked his own death in 2005 for the post on the band's website. Which are he faked his own death prior? He faked his own death in 2005. So that's the thing. This guy might you can't even be like like, oh he might not be dead. He might be alive. Wait, I said that wrong. You get what I mean though.

She's like, oh he's dead, you can't be jealous. Uh, is he? His death was later confirmed to have been sepsis caused by diverticulitis. Yeah, by who? It's true. Right? Like Fauci? We can trust him.

Like we're gonna listen to Fauci. We can trust him. Like we're going to listen to Fauci after what he did. Yeah. Like the shrine. I don't know. Like it feels very like 14 year old to be like, I'm obsessed with this person and I have posters of them in the heart. All of these pictures like that's I think I'd be concerned if you're over the age of like 16 and you are doing that You know, I have a mute a video of a ten unforgettable Peter Steele moments And he is on the journey bust out of his grave back in 2005 and goes lol JK. Holy shit He was six seven six seven. Okay. I'm back on on her side Daddy Peter needs to be worshed. Oh, never mind.

Cigarette bassist claimed to be a misanthropist wrote sarcastic lyrics that got him pegged by some as racist and misogynist. Oh, so he just fully sucks as well. Yeah. So that's way worse. Yeah, the fact that like that actually makes everything even more bad. I mean, that's the thing. So he once told me in an interview that he wasn't anti homosexual, just pro heterosexual. But lyrics to the song, I like goyles. That's what cool normal people say. Lyrics to the song, I like goyles, suggest otherwise. I know I'm strange, but I ain't no queer.

So take your rage and disappear. To make it clear that you can't bone me. My tattoo. My tattooed ass reads exit only. Damn, what a cool person. Yeah, I really hope. Hey, I hope he was that insecure and like homophobic and oh, sorry, pro hetero that he actually got that tattoo because that is maybe the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. This is the best news for this man, right? Now you have grounds. Now you have grounds

to be like, Hey, I actually, this dude is a piece of shit and I don't feel comfortable having a shrine to a dude who is racist, who is a misogynist, who is homophobic. Like I don't want this in my bedroom, let alone my house. Me and Dane have, we've blown this whole case wide open. We once almost got our private investigator licenses. Turns out we didn't even need them. We did this alone right here today. No help. This is all one article that I found after a quick Google search. We changed the argument. You have the high ground.

Even if you're just a jealous fucking weirdo, you get to be like, sorry, I don't want you summoning a racist, homophobic ghost, the worst type of ghost. Yeah. There's just, I keep reading. There's just more and more evidence of this guy's a piece of shit. Yeah. No, this guy sucks. There you go. Just be like, look, here's the evidence. And I know she's going to lose her fucking mind. I know she's going to defend them, but be like, maybe that's a thing you need to know. Like if she's this big of a fan, how could she not know? I'm sure she sings that song. Does she have a tattoo on her ass? It's one thing if you can like separate the art from the artist. If they just have, like if you just have like songs, if you just sing like pop songs, but

secretly in your private life, you're a piece of shit. It's like, you wouldn't really know if you didn't like follow the gossip, right? Sure. But when you have lyrics specifically about being a piece of shit, Yeah. Then you can't pretend like you don't know if it's in the art as well. Yeah.

It's a metaphor, fuck off. Yeah, so I think we've solved this. You get to moral high ground. Absolutely destroy your wife on this argument. Good job. Yeah. However, if she gives you trouble, if she's like, no, this is important to me. He's not a bad person.

I believe in blah blah blah. You can say that your marriage is exit only. Yeah, which is you leaving right now. Yeah. And like in general, I think you did fuck up a little bit by bringing up your grievance in an argument. Sure. Right. Let's if we're going gonna extrapolate to another situation where maybe it's not a homophobic ghost,

then can we call this episode of Fuck You Peter Steele? He's like really come after some dead people. If you wanted to like, you know, a non-problematic artist like John Lennon or Kanye West. Oh, yeah. It's weird that I'm having a hard time coming up with problematic artists because I'm sure there are. I think it's more like who is right.

Yeah. So Bruno Mars. He's the only he's the only good one. I don't know, man. I also can't commit to that either. I don't know about Bruno Mars. He wants you to call the police. True. But the fireman. So maybe they cancel each other out. Right. Anyway, so don't bring these grievances up in an argument because already

you're not talking about the issues you're talking. You're arguing and you've you've kind of sullied it. And it seems a little petty. It's hard to take seriously. So don't don't sit on things and save them. You can bring them up. And like if someone has an altar and they're worshiping, it's kind of weird. But also it's your shared space. So you have like, you know, you can be like, hey, keep your weird altar in your office if you like

or something. Like you should have a say at least equal in what kind of happens in your place. And like, it's weird because I don't really have like a logical standpoint, but I do think it is weird for a grown person to have an altar to a person in their room. It was a celebrity or like, yeah, it's like unless it's an actual deity that you worship as a religion. But even then, I mean, then it's it's weird, depending on the deity. Like, is it top five?

Sure. If it's one of those, it's one of the classic is a little bit of the O.G.'s. Right. One of these like fucking Baja Blast ones. Right. Like if you actually have like a spaghetti monster, fucking like, you know, thing or like, yeah, it's just come on. You know, it's weird. Yeah, it's like, look, can I can I stand to this and be like, you know, learned and blah, blah, blah? No, it's just a vibe. And the vibe is that it's fucking weird.

I'm sorry. And it's even especially when you vibe check and you're like, Oh, this guy sucks. So yeah, dude, you know what? I didn't even look him up because I was like, Oh, whatever. It's not going to be an issue. It was an issue. Yeah. Should I should I try to like screen share the the Jerry Springer video and see if we can get a clip of that? Should I try to like figure that out? There's a Jerry Springer video that he's in that he's in.

Yes. Did you know how we say that? No, I just heard you reading out lyrics. I wanted to figure that out. There's a Jerry Springer video that he's in that he's in yes Did you know him we say that no? I just heard you reading out lyrics I wanted to slap this goes no ten unforgettable Peter Steele moments on all of all ten or on Jerry's free. I don't know if all ten, but that's what the that's what the That's what the the clip is okay. Let me find the clip will upload just this part on patreon Next question this is from blizzy the pleb How can I take more photogenic dicks dick pics more photogenic dicks? Well we discussed this on one of the early episodes I'm gonna just go out in the limb and say episode 11 the dickly Hallows Straight down aerial view between your dick and your leg

You should be able to see freshly pissed in water. Maybe an old poo floating around in there. Yeah. Boom. Done. Maybe you have a half chub. Hold on. There's, there's more to this question. Ah, so I'm a pretty big dude.

I'm at six foot five and I've been dead for 15 years. Wait a minute. Oh my God. Put a lot of work in on my body. Sexing has been a pretty decent part of foreplay in my life, but whenever I find myself for someone sending pictures and stuff, I can never get good photos. My dick just seems smaller and skinnier than it actually is, and to me just seems so unflattering. If I'm sending photos to someone I've more often than not sent photos to of it next to

something to compare, like a photo of me, like a photo of it going past my belly button or something. What can I do to make these photos more flattering to both the sender and receiver because maybe I'm just not getting the memo. Well, step one, it's like she doesn't know or he or they or whoever. They don't know the distance between your dick and your belly button. So you got to get that ruler tattooed right there. Firstly, true. If you pay a good tattoo, they'll fudge the number slightly give you an extra centimeter

Yeah, they won't do much because they will get kicked out of tattooing forever. Yeah, they lie to killed Yeah, tattoo guild will come and break their fingers and then eat them the fingers not the person Yeah, so do that one two I really want to know what other objects you've like posed it next to because like yeah yeah, there's no natural way to do that. No, the only way you're doing that is like, look, it's like a Coke can look like that out. I promise. And that's very, very fucking funny to me. So fair play. Look, I'll tell you, I have had this issue. I don't love taking dick pics. I find it quite hard to to take a good one. And like I have back in the day when I was a little younger, I had like, say, like two or three dick pics I'd taken that were like fucking great.

And I was like, I can't replicate them. These are the ones I'm going to send out. Not that I sent out very many. So it wasn't a big issue. I'm going to let you in on a little Dane Miller secret. Keep it in the box. And actually, put a nobody. Nobody really wants to see a dick pic.

They want to see what you're going to do with your dick and and what they've done to you. Right. Strangle it in clothing. So I have gotten the best reaction out of sending videos, short little videos of me stroking my dick through through boxers. I just have it slanged to one side. And if you want, you can sort of embellish. You can like stroke a little further than perhaps it goes. Right. Like there's no there's no no one's going to be double checking this.

You put a bunch of carrots down there and get them to guess which one's which. Yeah. Guess which of my octopus dick is the real dick. Exactly. It's like you choose your own adventure. to guess which one's which. Yeah, guess which of my octopus dick is the real dick. It's like you choose your own adventure. I've I found that like keeping it hidden is is like people find that like I've had people lose their fucking minds, like thinking that was really, really hot. Yeah. And it makes sense because if I had to choose between a video or like a picture of someone in something very sexy,

then someone completely nude. I would take I would take the mystery, right? Like I'd rather the lingerie, I'm all for a naked picture eventually, but if we're in the we haven't slept together yet phase, the tease is far more satisfying to me at least than the reveal. Well, I think-

I want the reveal front and center. I wanna be there, I wanna be doing it. It's like a horror movie, right? When there's the monster, but you see it in like glimpses and you're like, oh shit, oh shit. Oh, cool. The silhouette. Oh, the whatever. But then like the eventual reveal is like a guy in the suit. And it's really obvious. And it's around. You see the CGI. Exactly. And you're like, oh, you could have just never shown me the monster. And I would have had a blast. This would have been scary. But now you've kind of taken it away. So if you just show your dick straight up in the picture, it's not scary anymore. Right. And that's honestly, are we not trying to terrify women with our dick pics?

That's why we send them without. What the fuck are we doing here? So like sometimes less is more. And I have found the like I've definitely taken a lot of like box three ones or even like, you know, holding like you got out of shower and maybe you're holding the towel and that's the only thing it's blocking. Like you can do sexy pictures. You don't have to tell me about the old towel pick.

You'll tell I got great mileage out of that one. You know, so there are ways to do it for sure. I know one thing that I've found interesting is if you go on like Instagram or TikTok, there are like women doing like photography, like tutorials for dick pics. Yeah, because no, like women are sick and tired. Yeah, they're like please. These shitty, like here, okay, here's my also,

I'm gonna try to explain this as best I can. Go for it. So what you wanna do, it's all about angles, right? Like it's that's that's what every photo is with your dick. You got to be hard. Do not unless you unless you're rocking an absolute massive fucking shower. And even then, I don't think anyone wants unless it gets smaller, when it gets harder somehow, there's still going to be a benefit

to you taking a hard. So first and foremost Get yourself worked up whether it's through the sexting whether you're watching porn and you're just like here. It is. This is the lighting It's golden hour. Don't have that porn in the background of the shot unless don't have a background Here's some other things not to don't have a garbage can don't have a dirty floor No issues in the background don't have dirty boxers on don't have like weird fucking crocs on like Make sure that the thing that is going to get all of the attention is your dick Don't have weird fucking crocs on yeah

I don't know like weird shoes like don't have like fucking like you know flippy floppies on that are like fucking weird I don't know you should look good Which is a dumb that we have to say this, but you should look good. And that goodness is like hygiene cleanliness. You know what I mean? Like surrounding, right? Like you're taking a picture. Cleanliness, right?

You don't want again dirty fucking like shitty napkin in the back or some crap or again to be looking past your dick and see pissy toilet water or even clean toilet water. Honestly. Yeah. If there's a little bit in your picture, get out of there. Think of it like if someone was like preparing food for you. If you were on someone's Instagram and you saw like,

oh, we've got this brand new special, it's a paella. Great. Why is there a shitty toilet in the background of this picture? This is an excellent piece of advice. You should treat your dick pics like it's an Instagram food blog. Yes. Right? It should be appetizing. There should be nothing there that's gross be appetizing. There should be nothing there that's grossing you out. There should be nothing.

The picture there might be stuff in the background, but no one looks at a picture of food. And if you're looking at anything other than the food, you fail. Yeah. Right. But if you look elsewhere from the food and you see something gross,

you've also failed. You've also ruined it. This is I like this analogy. I like this. This idea. OK. Step three three put on a plate Get a little balsamic glaze drizzle it on baby get that fucking green schmear. That's on every Instagram I don't know what it is. How do you sure you've got your tool right there now?

I'll say as well part of it is like treat it like this thing So you're gonna need 12 paragraphs of a story that has nothing to do with your day Before they get to your dick recipe. Yeah Okay, so you're you're hard. You've cleaned your area. You've got a good line of sight on it What you want to do is your camera that the lens has to be closer to the head, right? So you're kind of looking down It's gonna make the head look bigger and it's gonna make your shaft look longer because of the way that the perspective is Then you're gonna take your hand and you're putting it at going to make your shaft look longer because of the way that the perspective is. Then you're going to take your hand and you're putting it at the base of your dick.

That way hand looks like it's around your dick, but it ain't it at the bottom. But they see hand looks bigger and you squeeze it a little bit, make it a little bit more full. You give it a little, a little hold blood is going to gorge. You're going to get a little bit, and now you take your fucking pick, and it's gonna look like you got a massive donger. Now I will say, if you don't have a massive donger, maybe don't make it look like you have a massive donger.

We don't advocate for lying visually or in general about what you got, so you don't want someone to be disappointed later on. Like if you take such a good dick pic, like don't take a chat GPT enhance my dick thing because you also just shouldn't use AI. But also like, look, what I'm advocating for is the same thing of like women using angles and bends and poses. Everyone uses, you know, in it's like how you don't take a picture like this.

You take a picture like, you know, yeah, you it's about angles. You pop that leg. We're all cool with it, right? So there's a level of refinement that isn't inherently malicious, like subterfuge. Yes, yes. That's a good way of putting it. Refinement and tweaking, not misleading. Yes.

So, you know what I mean? To say, don't go find a Coke can that's all skinny and put your dick beside it and make people think that you've got, you know, like a Coke can dick when you found- You find the smallest banana in the store and they're like, whoa. It doesn't serve you, right? Like if people are expecting one thing and it's not,

especially when so much worth is put on male genitalia and like our sexual virility is often, you know, weighted based on the size of our penises. So be truthful to your bits. Because like you might have a perfectly serviceable, you know, donger on you. But if they see it and they're expecting something more that you've set up, like they're gonna feel disappointment or misled and you don't want them to feel that. Like you want them to be like, hell yeah.

Which they might be if you just been a little bit more honest, right? So yeah, we've said Donger too many times I know I don't think I've ever actually said that before so you're welcome. Yeah, we want more but more Do you have another one or should we just? I've got a quick one. Sure. Hit me This is emotional poet Question are carrying condoms normal? Nineteen year old female and still pretty new to dating and sexual stuff. So I'm just trying to understand what's considered normal or not.

This isn't meant to be judgmental at all. I'm genuinely curious and trying to learn. I remember this guy was sitting had a condom by his bed and at the time I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Part of me thought, okay, maybe sleeping with other people too, which made me feel a little uneasy. But then when I told my sister, she said that it was actually a good thing, a very normal, and that it shows she's being safe and prepared. So now I'm a little conflicted.

Is it normal for guys to have condoms ready or even stacked up at their place? Does that usually mean they're seeing multiple people? Or could it just mean they're responsible? I'd love to hear from people who've been dating longer than I have. What's your take? How should I think about this the next time I come across it? So like, let's just go through a hypothetical. You meet someone, you go home, you're having sex.

Oh no, I didn't get condoms. Either you have to run out and try to find a place that's still open or you then can't have safe sex. That sucks shit. Or one of you convinces each other that it's fine and then you don't have protected sex. Safe sex. Yeah, right?

Like those are your options. That sucks. And let me tell you, you're going to be way more likely to make a bad decision when you're fucking horny as hell and you're halfway through. And maybe you've had a drink or two. Like, let me tell you, that's when mistakes are made way more so than people just being fucking idiots. You know what I mean? Like you can very much be like, yeah, fuck it. And that's bad. Right.

So getting yourself in that position is not good. Now let's do an alternate reality where you're a person, and especially at home, like I thought this was gonna be a different conversation of like, he had them in his bag, it was his house. He had condoms by his bed. That's the most normal thing in the world. That's where you put them.

Yeah, that's literally the most normal thing in the world. And it's like- I'm gonna be a little harsh here. Yeah, that's literally the most normal thing in the world. And it's like I'm going to be a little harsh. It's OK. Are we saying it's a weird that he just has it on the side table? Maybe. Yeah, like I when you say he had a condom by his bed, do you mean it was out and ready and waiting? Because that's a little strange. That's a little strange. Whatever.

Unless that like unless you guys have been hooking up before and you came over for a booty call and he just wants to have it like you guys have been wearing condoms and instead of rummaging around in his dresser It's just right there because you knew what was happening, right? Like yeah, I've done that like I've like I've shown condom out and been like I know you're coming over to fuck and we use Condoms so I'm not gonna fucking rummage around in my drawer. Well, I could do less time I have to search for one the better But if it was your first date and you took you home and it's just like time I have to search for one the better. But if it was your first date and you took you home and it's just like there by the

side of the wedding. Yeah, it's a little weird. But again, it's like I guess a little arrogant. But like other than that, it's like he's prepped. That's good. Why do you care? Why are you being weird? This is so this is where I'm going to be mean. I'm going to be a little a little harsh. You're being immature.

Yes. You're being a baby about this. You are operating under the guise that sex is exclusively for only two people who are in love or that like, you know, everything should be planned or everything should be just right. It's like, that's not the way that the world works. That's not the way that dating works. People are going to be sleeping with other people until you have a conversation that says that you're not. Yeah.

So if you're going to get all sensitive and upset about that, then you need to reflect on why. And that's usually an insecurity thing. That's usually a jealousy thing. And that's all on you. Because if you're going to get uneasy and you're going to feel all weird because the dude has opened his drawer and he has a box of condoms, which are more than one because you can't buy one condom. So it's like, yeah, they're going to be stacked up. Yeah, because you have to buy at least like 12 at a time.

Yeah, it's not weird. Bigger packs actually are cheaper too. So you're going to be with an economical bro. Yeah, he's going to have that 36 pack. The worst thing that happened to me was when they stopped making the condoms I used to buy in the 24 and only went to the 12. Yeah, that sucked. I know.

So you're being very precious about this. And I'm glad that you have an older sister who's like, no, you want a dude who is prepared. You want a guy. Like it's nice that you have someone above you that is willing to have this heart conversation with you. And now you have two people above them. Yeah. So you need to stop being so precious about all of it and acknowledge the fact that if you want to have safe sex, which is something you should be doing if you're sleeping with

multiple people, then you want people to have condoms. I'm going to go as far as to say is you should have condoms as well. That was going to be my follow-up because imagine if they didn't, what would you have done? Again, maybe make some bad decisions, maybe have a bad night or maybe have to go fucking taxi to some fucking 24-hour pharmacy. You want to have sex, right? You went to this person's place to have sex. So why would you not provide your own safety? And also like at your place, you should have a little supply of condoms. And I'm not saying that you've got to have, and I don't think there's any harm also, we've talked

about this before of being like, if someone has a specialty condom, like if someone needs latex free, there's no harm. Like if you know your partner needs it, like if someone needs latex free, um, there's no harm with like, if you know your partner needs it, buy a pack of it because there may be a chance where he might be like, fuck, I didn't bring one. Fuck. Or like he was at work and didn't, you know, me like the amount of times where I've been like, I've been booty called, but I was at work and I don't have like a condom in my work bag for whatever reason.

I'm just like, well, I would have to go home, get a condom and then come to your place. I was like, it's fucking 3 AM. Like if I could just go to your place I would do that, but I'm not gonna show up at like 430 after fucking getting an uber and paying like $30 to like to try like you know to me and after last call like fuck that I'm not doing it Yeah, so you know if you know that you're sleeping with someone on the regular Yeah, be cool because it's for both of you right like pick up condoms have them on hand. It's so simple It's so easy and like don't judge people for doing it because that's insane. Yeah, so hopefully listen to your sister Don't be conflicted having condoms is a responsible thing to do if you are a person who is having sex

Yeah, if and also be confident enough and be you know willing to say that like you want to have use a condom If someone doesn't you know to me like that's I mean, that's a whole separate question But like don't be don't be precious about it. It's it's it's 2025 this shouldn't be this isn't a fucking Dawson's Creek episode in like 1998 where yes, someone loses their mind that if someone has a condom that means they must be just trying to sleep with me No, we're sexually active adults. They should have condoms and if you're worried about it, that's your fault I pretty much had a condom or two on me I would say 24 7 and when I needed them which was regularly I had them and it was great if I hadn't it would have

Been very bad Yeah, I I yeah. Yes. I, yeah, yes. Just, you know. Yep. Don't be weird about it. Also, if you're not exclusive, just expect that they are, they're allowed to sleep with other people. So you can't be weird that they are or might be.

Yeah. All right, that's us, we love you. That's it. Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest States for the song Paper Stars. Thank you to everyone who did come to the show. And thank you to everybody who's on our Patreon, supporting us and helping make this show a reality. Keep it going. If you're interested, if you to the show. And thank you to everybody who's on our Patreon supporting us and helping make this show a

reality. Keep it going. If you're interested, if you like the show, pop on over there. There's extra episodes up the wazoo. Some of them are deep dives where we really go into, you know, almost like when we went into dick pics there, we'll bring you to a 20, 40, 60 minute like, you know, breakup discussion or how to pick up on a nightout discussion and we'll really bring you through it. They can be really helpful. On top of that we have

extra regular episodes. We have movie episodes. We discuss movies that are you know insane Spanish rom-coms and it's a blast. So feel free to support yourself by going on there and getting more content or just supporting us so we can keep making the show without going broke. Yeah. I mean the money that we made on patreon like allowed us to upgrade our gear it allowed us to we've got like a whole audio visual element to our live shows now we have like a projector where we do games and stuff and that was all the things that we were able to purchase because of the the

support we give away prizes and stuff now that's all they all cost money and we were able to do it because of your support and we thank you for it Yeah, and we love you ready for some bad sex writing Yeah Every fall Princeton raised her skirt for the corporate recruiters who came onto campus and as you say in America showed them some skin The skin Princeton showed was good skin, of course young eloquent and clever as can be but even among all that skin I knew in my senior year that I was something special I Was a perfect breast if you will tan succulent seemingly defined of gravity

I was confident of getting any job. I wanted what the fuck does that mean is this like a weird You know we've personified Princeton the school. Yes cool. Just normal stuff I really hope that this person talks like that in the job interview. I'm a boob. Yeah man, I'm just a perfect titty. I'm a good boob. Hire me, bruh. Yeah, this is bad. It's pretty bad.

Although, maybe the world would be better if we all strive to be perfect boobs. It's true. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. We've been your fuck buddies.