F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 351 - The Unproblematic Music of Smooth Dave Shelves

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

Buckle up for Hetero Awesomefest 2, the second lamest musical event of the summer!  Topics include an untrustworthy retelling of Chris Brown's crimes, an ass maneuver, catching the bouquet just to drop the mildest joke. Join the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday.

I feel like I'm in a cyberpunk game right now. Why is my camera? Yeah, what's that new red light you got going on? Yeah, I don't know. It's the same light I have every other recording, but right now I feel like I'm just hanging with my chooms, having some preem podcast time. That's all the-

Fighting really hard to remember. Yeah, trying to think of a single other stupid thing that they say. Fuck. Ripper Docs. Get some chrome, bro. Chrome. Chrome. Is that where you're glowing? I, it might be. I've, I've added a unhealthy red tinge to my skin. That's the only, that's the only cybernetic that's it. Yeah. It's, it's red jauntice is the, the chrome that I was able to afford. Which is also your street name.

Hell yeah. Are you ready? My mind hacker name. Are you ready to talk about the most exciting musical event slash festival of the year? Yes. We are of course talking about hetero awesome fest. If it's not headlined by like Kid Rock or what's the other really piece of shit country singer Morgan Wallen. Hey, this. Did you hear about this festival? No, because I guess we're in the States. It was. This has got to be that I'm saying it like Florida is my first choice,

but I would say like maybe Milwaukee or like Idaho. It is Idaho. Yeah. Boise, Idaho. Like in a, you know, a desperate attempt to claw, you know, celebrations away from Pride. They were like, you know what? Fuck Pride Month. What could be the opposite of Pride Month? Hetero Awesome Fest. Look, I will say, I will give them this. That's a kick ass name. But like, not seriously. Like if it was, if it was a like ironic gay event in which it's just like sort of like music you associate with hetero people like Lincoln Park or you know to me like like you know, we can park I don't know. I think of like white guy and like Lincoln Park. Yeah, I like it's more like Creed, right? You know, I mean, yeah, I feel like Lincoln Park they have their their queer kind of like pillar behind them

Yeah I mean the I don't know probably has a lot but I like when I think of like if I see a bunch of like white guys them. Yeah. I feel like any emo probably has a lot, but I like, when I think of like, if I see a bunch of like white guys hanging out in a parking lot, like that's kind of the, like the Nickelback, the, the creep theory of a dead man, you know, like the, the like shitty post-grunge bands, uh, that's, that's kind of like where I, us sit. See, this is, this is the thing that I hate about the Republicans in America,

is that they're so bad. This is the only thing. The only thing. Everything else but this one thing. No, it's kind of the most offend, no it's not. There's nothing I can say in jest, which is actually part of what I was saying, is that they're so bad at everything

that they kill all attempts at any jokes because hetero awesome fest is the best joke name for a dumb event that would be like in a comedy movie or something but they just went ahead and did it in real life and it's not like now we can't make fun of that because that's the worst name imaginable but also the best but not for what they want right it's it is like what you would imagine a South Park or a Bob's Burgers. Yes. Or you know, I mean, like a super bad ridiculous. You know, yeah, this like this sounds like it was ripped out of a South Park episode.

We're sure, you know, Cartman is upset that he so he makes us to hetero awesome fest. Yeah. And it would be the dumbest fucking character who did it now Dane I have two examples of t-shirts from this event that were being sold Okay, I know it's it's a little bold to be like, hey, can you think of it? Can you imagine the what would go on these t-shirts it I get like Adam and Eve vibes like okay Just as Adam and Eve just just like you know, it was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve like that kind of thing The other thing I can think of is like a really really shitty Version of the pride flag but like what they think the straight flag would be

Well, it's just like super straight like black and orange or something Yeah, just like to is that just the Pornhub flag that they're flying Even Pornhub wouldn't be down with that. No. And again, this is like they kill all jokes because what they do is so stupid that it's like hard to mock. So the second best one I saw was Make America Straight Again, which is just like, yeah, fuck off. But the best one, and like this is a real t-shirt people had was I love my

heterosexual husband Yeah Yeah, I want to see someone in the wild wearing that and I don't because they would mean they're a piece of shit But I mean, here's the thing. I do want to get that for my partner ironically because it's Thing because like the funniest fucking thing. I want it because it's the funniest thing. Because like the funniest fucking thing. I do hope that she loves me.

So it's not an incorrect statement, right? But then it also does seem like I am not straight, right? It does sound like she is my beard because only the most insecure man would require their to wear a t-shirt that says that it's yeah, it's gotta be one of the least straight items of clothing out there. You know what I mean? It's crazy because, and this goes back to sort of like your point of the right being so bad at like comprehension. Because like if a woman wearing a t-shirt that said, I love my husband, you would know that they are straight.

Because it could be bi. And that's the thing, say one thing for the Republicans, they're not bi erasing. They're terrified that even if you're with a woman, someone might think, so they're like, we respect, we would never erase the bias, no bi erasure over here. We gotta make sure people know I am heterosexual. This is a good point.

Yeah. Yeah. It's it's so fucking cringe-worthy. Now, the best thing is it was like a huge park that they like rented out and put fences and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 30 to 50 people showed up. Right. And what's even better is I saw so many, cause this, this all came to my attention because it was all over Tik Tok, right? So many people were there who were queer, who were like, what the fuck is going on to showed up to like document it. So a large portion of that 30 to 50 were in fact queer people just to see him.

What's up? Just mocking it really. Yeah. And do you have to, I was gonna say, do you have a sampling of the the incredible awesome bands? I could try to find out the only one. Is this a musical event or was it was a musical event? Yes. Okay. I wasn't sure if it was just sort of like a children's midway of hate and intolerance. Basically, yeah. No, there was apparently with the bands, there was a lot of chaos where there was no real

like schedule. You kind of showed up and they were like, Oh, you go on. But there was a key act by Daniel Hamrick, who is a queer artist who hoodwinked the organizers went on it and then put on an army jacket with like pride flags and like, you know, a lot of queer anthems like stuck to it and a army cap and then sang a bunch of pro like trans songs Which very much upset the 20 people that were there and nine folks that were yeah

so they cut his mic and pulled the Everything away from him and demanded that he get out which I think one that's a ballsy ass move to to go in there And do that so everyone should follow this person because they rock and also their music was good. And I think that's fucking hilarious. Now the other, and this is going to be really shocking for you. The other thing of note that happened over this festival was a right wing podcaster openly being hugely racist on his live podcast in the middle of the day overseeing this festival. He was one of the commentators or whatever, just immediately whipping it out, just pure unbridled racism.

It's interesting because nowhere did it talk about this was a hetero awesome fest. This wasn't a white hetero awesome fest. All right. So I think that when the Republicans are involved, that's always just the silence. It's very, very disrespectful to the, to the people of color who wanted to have a, a straight awesome time. Yeah. Yeah.

And, and now that's not a safe space for them. You know, the way like sometimes people like reclaim like slurs or like words or terminology, can we reclaim hetome Fest? In what way? In the like non-shit way. Like, right? Like, these awesome people who are who are hetero and I just it's such a great name in a different way that like can we not just take that and make it actually awesome? Yeah, what we need to do is like we need to take it and then make it a like, like a straight ally of being like, it's all like

straight people and hetero people sort of like, uplifting. So like we were the foundation. But like when people go, it's just like queer artists and queer musicians and whatever. It's like, it's a space in which straight people and hetero people have have made safe for queer people to like party and rock. There we go. Inherently. That's and hetero people have have made safe for exact queer people to like party and rock inherently. That's awesome. Hetero Fest. Yes, that makes the hetero is awesome.

Yeah, well, I just thought that that was very, very fucking funny. Oh, sorry. We're the only thing more powerful than the music is the strength of the traditional family was their tagline. Cool. And guess what? The traditional family was their tagline. Cool. And guess what? The traditional family wasn't very powerful.

There were like nobody there. So I can't get over the fact that someone thought, hey, you know what would be a great idea would be to podcast during a live music event. Yeah, I think technically podcasting, they were like, I guess they had like a commentators or like the MC or something, but they were like off to the side on like a commentators. They were like the MC or something, but they were like off to the side on like a,

it looked like a news setup with like four people there with mics and they were like talking to each other about it. Now again, like this person was so startlingly racist that the other three Republicans all went yikes. That's always a good sign. It's always great when you, like when you're the one who pulls the rug out from under the other shitty people Yeah, you're so shit that the other people go. Wait a minute. Oh

Hey, hold on Cool. Yeah. Well this week we're gonna talk about girlfriend wants Chris Brown to grind on her Trying a ass related maneuver boyfriend caught the bouquet at a wedding and then threw it back at the bride. Playing dead. Okay. Girlfriend wants Chris Brown to grind on her by affectionate camel 810. My girlfriend female 26 wants Chris Brown to grind on her if she's picked to go up on stage to a concert she is going to. I, male 26, have made it clear I would not want to with her if that's happened. I assume it would not want to be with her if's happened. I assume it would not want to be with her if that happens. Yeah. Am I overreacting? Look, I don't think you are, but not for the

reasons that you are saying. I think here's, I don't want to be any or with anyone who's willing to give their time and money to Chris Brown, right? Like I don't care what Chris Brown is going to do. Well, I do care what he's going to do to my partner because he has a history of doing terrible things to women, yes. Yeah, I think that's like, I think you need to have that conversation with your partner and be like,

why are you going to a Chris Brown concert? It's 2025. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like my partner liking Chris Brown is a red flag. Yeah. My partner buying things that Chris Brown does red flag. My partner going to their fucking concert red flag. My partner then wanting to be touched by this man. Yeah.

Like we all know he's the biggest piece of shit. I went to the Dahmer Festival and I really want like, what are you doing? It's I was talking about this with I don't remember. It might have actually been you where I want, like, what are you doing? It's, I was talking about this with, I don't remember. It might've actually been you where I was just like, it blows my mind that Chris Brown still has a career, a platform, fans. Like, it's insane to me that someone could do something as heinous as what he did. And for whatever reason you are unclear or don't know the Chris Brown

thing, uh, years ago, probably like 10 years ago, at this point. Probably even longer, honestly. Uh, he violently assaulted his then partner, I believe Rihanna, uh, and, and left her fucked up. Like the pictures are grotesque, uh, and really didn't suffer any consequence at all. Like he was kind of a pariah for a bit,

but even at the time people defended him and there was a large contingent of like female fans that defended him. And the fact that he was like, he kind of like went in hiding for a little bit and- Yeah, kind of, but like, as far like did you know where I don't think even like apologize or anything you know what I mean I believe she did at some point in time like I think you apologize uh it's again I don't I don't know too much and I know my my pop culture loving

girlfriend will will correct me on all of this yeah that's the thing I'm not speaking about it too much because I don't know the ins and outs but I know enough because that's all you need to know is that he beat the shit out of a woman. Right. Like, you know what I mean? We think that should never happen. And I'm also pretty sure he was like laughing and mocking her about it at the time. Also, did he not get a tattoo of it as well right after? Like didn't that happen? I don't know. See this thing, I don't want to speak to things. I'm pretty sure it did happen,

but I don't want to let's like, we don't need to say things that may or may not be true. When the truth is he beat the shit out of Rihanna and then just was like, man. Yeah, like I'm surprised, like not even in a he hasn't been canceled way in just a like, where's the self-respect to your fucking fans? That I like. That's the thing is, like, because his fan base is predominantly women. Like he is he's still sort of a sex icon in

The genre so we just are easy to me that The and like it all it's also wild to me that like people are working with him, right? Like I believe like like Busta Rhymes did a song with them You know the look at me like little Wayne, like all these people who are, I'm sure problematic in their own way. But like, if for whatever reason, like let's pose it, like if it came out that you beat your partner to the extent or at all, but like, especially to the extent- A bit would be fine. No, yeah, you're right.

But like to the extent of- I wouldn't want to work with me. Yeah. It's like, I wouldn't, not only would I not be your friend, obviously, I would probably burn everything we built together to the ground out of, you know what I mean? Like, I would... certainly fuck buddies would be gone. We have another show with another person, we would have to have a conversation about like, what to do there. Yeah, sure. Like, I wouldn't want to work with you ever again. I would wanna see you ever again.

And I would make sure that you never worked. I would like make it my personal mission to make sure that like you had no safe place to reside. And then on top of that, it's like that would all be pretty dramatic as opposed to just a random person being like, hey, maybe I shouldn't listen to this asshole. Yeah.

So anyway, it's a red flag for me. If we were to take him out of the equation and have it just be, you know, who's fucking non-toxic. Hey, yeah, we'll just make up an R&B singer that we can Dave Shels. Dave Shels. Smooth Dave Shels.

You know, if Smooth Dave Shels was like, oh yeah, you can come up on stage and like dance with me. Who cares? Yeah, it's, you know, I mean, like the, and it's like, I was going to say, but like, it depends. But like, if we're going to say like Smooth Dave shelves is completely non-problematic and you know, he asked consent. And despite the fact that he does some grinding,

there's still no touching. You know what I mean? It's like phantom grinding. Sure. Even if it's just grinding, touching. You know what I mean? It's like phantom grinding. Even if it's just grinding, grinding, you know what I mean? Like that's just dancing. People do it when they're out. You know what I mean? Like at that point, it's like, do you think that people are going to look and be like, wow, can't believe Stacey's cheating on non smooth Dave with smooth Dave shelves? No, like they're just like, oh, cool.

She got on stage with this famous person. It's also like you think they're going fuck them after. That's that's the thing It's like it's the safest person for them to do that with because they're not They're not gonna have sex with them on stage and the likelihood of of you know Dave calling up afterwards and be like hey, I'm sure it does happen You know like I'm sure that there is sort of a like a weird vetting process that happens with some of these dudes. I'm sure the only risk is that like once they've been in contact, he invites them backstage or some shit. And then your partner goes and has sex with them, which that's a different issue.

That's not about the grinding that's about do you trust your partner? Yeah. So we're back to a very real issue. I think at the end of the day, that's what this guy is afraid of, right? He's afraid of Chris Brown being like, oh shit, actually this random hottie is my type. And the fact that like, he doesn't trust his partner enough to say no to Chris Brown, which is a crazy thing to say again in 2025,

where the fact that any woman finds this man attractive is insatiable. Horrifying, yes. And that's again, look, I'm not saying that people can't change and I'm not saying that. No, but the thing is it's like there's like people do **** you know what I mean? And a lot of that **** is forgivable, right? I don't know that this is one and if it is, it's not something that just happens easily and it's not something that happens soon. I don't know that we ever saw any anything, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it would take, but I don't ever feel like he was held accountable and it's insane to me. You don't need, I don't think anyone in that position warrants the fame and attention and money that this dude has and still at this point in time. And that is where I will, that is a hill I will die on. This comes from Bugged Cheche Cheche Cheche Cheche. I wanna try this with my girlfriend. So basically she has a decent round ass. I'm sorry, I'm putting a lot of stink on this.

It's not a great start. So basically she has a decent round ass and I wanna put my dick in between her cheeks, but I'm wondering if I'm putting a lot of stink on this. It's not a great start So basically she has a decent round ass and I want to put my dick in between her cheeks But I'm wondering if there's a device that can make her cheeks vibrate So my dick gets a nice little massage and explodes due to the simulation or something Yeah, yeah Yeah. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

This guy's inspector gadgeting over here, flipping her over and the diagrams are floating. Oh man, that's great. Just put a phone on each sheet and ring them. Yeah. Just send it to like, go off on, you know, set the timer in 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah. I got a PlayStation controller. Pull up for dear life, one one and start fucking machine gunning.

You know, get the recruit on Call of Duty whose gun fires so much bullets and it'll vibrate the shit out of them cheeks. If you hold a controller on each one. I like the fact that he thinks there's an established thing for this. And I hate the fact that I don't know if there is. I'm going to guess. No, I don't think there there is. I'm gonna guess no. I don't think there's a device that specifically vibrates ass cheeks. I could be wrong, you know what I mean?

I'm sure that there is a way to to vibrate ass cheeks, but look dude, I think what you're looking for is some sort of like ass job in the same way that like a tit job or a hand job, right? You're looking for the booty cheeks to be stroking your dick. And I think there are ways to do that. Again, I think it really does depend on how decent this round ass is. Well, that's the thing. Decent doesn't imply that, you know, there's a lot to be working with. Decent sounds like you have, that the sparks of ingenuity have, you know, stoked your flames, right? Like you see just enough and be like, hell yeah.

It's possible? If I had enough vibration, I think I could get there. But I'm going to operate under the assumption that like the decent is an undersell and that- and that maybe it depends like they could be from England me like oh it's mad decent you know yeah so so there are vibrating cock rings so why don't you do that and put your dick between some cheeks or have her like again if she's okay with it and is down with it which I would assume she would be if you were going to be vibrating her body. Like you can just hold the cheeks together and she can rock back and forth or you could rock her back and forth. Like, or you could rock yourself back and forth. Yeah. Like there, there are ways of getting this done, I think. But I think the idea that you could get a vibration strong enough that it would stimulate you enough to come. Again,

I don't know really how sensitive you are. It also might be really uncomfortable for them. The amount of vibration I think that you would have to run through a thick-cheeked woman in order to translate into pleasure for you, I think would be- Both sides? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that's going to work. However, have you ever seen those speakers where you attach them to the window and it sends vibrations through the window and then the window becomes the speaker Get two of them pop pop. Yeah, and just find something with a dirty baseline. Mm-hmm but look, that's it you can do it get a Taser get some oil get some lube and

And just have her go to fucking Rock City. It's essentially like doggy style But instead of being inside her, you're using the cheeks. Lookin' along the anal canal. Or alternatively, have her almost in reverse cowgirl and slide up back and forth on you. You know what I mean? I think there are ways to achieve what you're getting. I think you are just getting a little too tech.

I don't know if vibration is the answer, and I don't know that there's some magical thing, but hey, maybe, nature finds a way Yeah but again if you're gonna vibrate your partner make sure they know that you're going to do it and also check in and make sure that It isn't hurting them because I know that likes Vibrations I it's the reason why I can't use like an electric toothbrush They rattle my brain so bad like any sort of sort of room up there. What's going on?

Hey, man, it's swimming in my brain swimming up there. But I just like, I don't know if it's it's so uncomfortable. It hurts my eyes. Any sort of like sustained vibration on me. It's why like if I have my controller on my leg and it's vibrating and you're playing recruit and call of duty that bothers me. Also, it's Rainbow Six, not Call of Duty. Fuck you're trying that.

Am I doing a try not to call you a joke? But yeah, you could you could you could you should have I don't know why I don't even play Call of Duty God oh Idiot fuck this. This is what well, I'm burning this show to the ground. That's this is a kin That was it. That was the unforgivable. Okay. Yeah, this is by dry emotion That was it. That was the unforgivable. Okay. Yeah, this is by dry emotion 2237 my 27 year old female boyfriend 34 year old male caught the bouquet of the wedding and threw it back at the bride Unsure to address this or oh, sorry I'm unsure on this one or if to address it on deeper level with him

My boyfriend went to his close friend the bride's wedding. I was not invited but fair enough weddings are expensive I do not know her very well came home yesterday and told me a funny story about how the bride wasn't going to do the throne, the bouquet tradition, but he encouraged her. But then he caught it. The bride said to him, you're next. And he said, ah, take it back. And threw it at the bride. He told me thinking I'd find it funny because everyone laughed, but it actually upset me a bit.

That's the reason why I'm sad as he publicly rejected the idea of commitment and threw the bouquet back at the bride in front of a group of people. I wasn't even there to be part of the joke or laugh it off. The punchline being, get that away from me. I don't want marriage. As much as it was just a joke and no one probably paid any attention or remembers it, feels to me he downplayed our relationship

in front of others. Particularly when I think about the fact he would have been standing in a group of women also trying to catch it. I feel embarrassed and a little disrespected, but I also can't tell if I'm just blowing it out of proportion and need to let it go, or if I deserve apology and understanding from it. After he told me, I sort of pulled a face and went quiet. He knew it had upset me, but I was hit with a, don't be like this. I was looking forward

to seeing you tonight, which made me feel like he thinks it's a me problem and doesn't understand why it would upset me. I don't think think any girlfriend want to watch or know that their boyfriend threw the bouquet after catching it at a wedding with a get it away from me. I'd love to hear the thoughts of others. Edit important details. We've been together for almost two years. We live together. We've discussed that marriage is our mutual long-term goal. I was not invited. Budgetary restrictions couldn't make the evening due to work. Anyway, it was not the only girlfriend who wasn do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. The idea of someone being like if you were in a relationship and you guys have clearly talked about getting married And that is the the intention and the goal I understand how the knee-jerk reaction to being told that like the idea of marrying you is so scary that he Doesn't want to do it. I see it. I don't get it because in what world do you jump to that instead of like not now? You know, I mean like that Like that's where I would go.

It's like, oh yeah, they just don't want it right now. As opposed to never and not with me. And like, you know what I mean? I'm not saying she's right. I'm, I know, but it's so lame. I understand her knee jerk. It is for sure. You know?

I, here's the thing. Here's the problem I have with this. Why the fuck was this dude catching the bouquet? Yeah. He's in the group of women shoving them, grabbing it like, I don't want it. Like, what are you doing, bud? Yeah. So he's the one who convinced the bride to do it too.

It's that's all that makes me more uncomfortable and nervous and confused than the, than the like throwing it back for a couple of cheap laughs. Right. Like, cause at the end of the day, I think that's what it was. Right. Like he I don't think he thought about it at all. I think he just fell into like, haha, I'm dude at wedding. I'm going to be funny and be like, play the part of dude at wedding and be like, I don't want to get married because that's the societal sort of like joke.

Even then, it was probably just like your next implies like It's soon. If you guys have only been dating two years. You shouldn't be getting married soon. Anyway, so it's like I Feel like he's reasonable in that regard You know, I mean it is as you said weird that he was like, hey, you're not doing that thing You should do it also force myself into all we're gonna be there so I can do this I mean, this is why it feels like it's like a pre-planned joke bit. Well, that's what I was gonna ask. You think it was pre-planned? 100%! He had this, he saw it happen at another wedding

and saw the fucking laughs that it got. And he was like, this is my chance to do it because my girlfriend's not here. So I won't hurt her feelings in the time. I won't embarrass her in the time. Do you think it was so pre-planned? Because this man obviously has influence. He was able to make her do the toss. Do you think he was like, you know what, maybe we shouldn't bring girlfriends.

It's gonna be really expensive. Do you think this was like a year in the planning so the girlfriend wouldn't be there? I think he was working on his jumps for like a year. He's working on his like his pushing women arms, you know? I do a real Chris Brown opportunity. I think he was like, Oh, yeah, hell yeah. Like I finally can do this cool, cool joke. My girlfriend's not gonna be at the wedding. And then he finds out he's like, what do you mean you're not gonna do it?

You got you got to do it. I that's honestly if you want to burn this dude, if you if you're upset and your feelings are hurt, just be like, the fuck were you doing? Why were you there? That's the thing, is the issue really that your boyfriend's deeply unfunny? Look, yeah, because that's a bigger problem in my opinion. Was he also there helping the groom take the fucking girdle off or whatever the hell that one is? You know what I mean?

It's like, why is he trying to catch the bouquet? Which is famously, and look, maybe it's a really progressive wedding and they they've done away with the gender norms. Uh, but it's just a weird thing. I think you need to be like, it's also like, you don't catch it by accident. This is a, he would have gone for it. You know what I mean? Yeah. And if you didn't want to catch it, you could have just side step. You could have not been there, right? Like the people who were probably jumping up, calling for it, get it, you know? I 100% do believe that this was a planned bit that he really wanted to do. He thought it was fucking hilarious.

Either he saw it at another wedding and it killed, or he just thinks he's- He's just a revolutionary in the community field. Yeah, he just fucking, you know, has a notebook of wedding gags and bits that you know we have to do this every wedding we go to an hour and a hundred percent one actually I delete this whole thing so we see more original yeah so and if I and if anyone if you're getting married and you're thinking of not doing a wedding toss like a toss you gotta fucking do I'm gonna fucking come for you I'm gonna come with you right now the fury of a thousand sons Do you know how much we can talk we podcast we practice every week?

Hours of talking practice we give advice. I will talk to you I'll talk you into throwing your newborn child into the fucking crowd and that'll be like back Often oh, thanks. No, thanks. Don't want that. Have you seen the world people be fucking busting a gut They're gonna need paramedics. Yeah I hope you have money for a fucking paramedic budget if the two of us are at your wedding That's gone. That's it everywhere people are gonna be like, oh we can't eat your delicious like three course meal because I don't fall right out Yeah, it's gonna fall got it. the hole of my front where I bust straight out of my torso. Yeah. I guess it's my turn.

So if you want real advice, yes, go. I just want to talk about the making a face and like, Oh, don't get like that. I was looking forward to seeing you. Are you always upset about something or does he always devalue your feelings? Because he's just one of them. Are you just always a bitch about things? Sometimes people are, you know what I mean?

And like there is an element of jumping straight to like he publicly disavowed our entire relationship in front of everybody. He didn't, you know he didn't. You know we made a dumb fucking joke, right? But you've taken it the most personal way imaginable despite all evidence to the contrary. All our issues are with how weird and awkward and dumb it was.

That's fine. If that's your issue, that's okay. But if your issue is that he devalued your fucking relationship in front of everybody, I think you're reaching. And I think you're very insecure. And it seems like you were maybe looking for a way to be upset and a reason to be upset, maybe because you weren't invited,

maybe because you don't like this person, et cetera. But if this is a pattern, maybe look inside and try to not be miserable and take everything the wrong way. However, if he just fucking devalues everything you say, maybe look at that a little bit more. You know what I mean? Because I think these two things are probably a bigger problem than anything else you've talked about, apart from how deeply unfunny your boyfriend is.

Yeah. I think you just need to have a conversation. Just straight up be like, hey, it kind of sucks to hear that we do both want to get married, and that's kind of the goal of the relationship. But for you to be seemingly so repulsed by the idea of marrying me that you had to make a big joke about it at a wedding that I wasn't there, seems weird to me. Right? Like, you don't have to be crazy about it,

but like you can frame it in the sense that you, you know, the context in which you are sort of like, I'm weird. Like, is marriage not a thing or was this like just a really dumb joke? And if he's like, yeah, it's a dumb joke, then you have to sort of take it at face value because it's very obviously a dumb joke. I would come at it more like, like jealousy. You know what I mean? Like you're feeling this way. And I think it's very valid to talk about that.

But I think there could maybe be a way of coming into it being like, look, maybe I'm overreacting or maybe this is a little silly, but this is how it makes me feel. And trying to have a conversation rather than being like, did this mean you don't want to marry me? You know what I mean? And just being like, look, it kind of felt like this and hopefully he will meet you halfway, but you do need to answer the previous questions of, are you always like this or is he always like this?

Because one of you has done something at some point, it seems, to have this weird, bitter response. So maybe delve into that. Does he just disregard your feelings? Because in that case, fuck marry him. You shouldn't want to do it anyway. I think like, yeah. Or was he just like so hyped up about his cool, cool joke

when you didn't also bust a gut like he had nine one one like queued up on his phone ready to go because no man. He's mixing those guts. He already called them. They were halfway there there he had to literally call them back and be like I was excited to see you tonight because he was in the paramedics van on the way there yeah needle and thread in hand this is so embarrassing guys you're gonna have to turn that ambulance around got good fucking fine man completely intact not a single seam busted fuck

How much it cost me was forty thousand dollars to hire that ambulance. Yeah, if you're in the States Okay, I I teased a question at the beginning where we talked about it it is kind of grim No, great. I'm both my questions are pretty grim. I'm gonna do this one. I got two We can just zig on them. We can zag on them. Yeah, zigzag on them. OK, this is the dude, my dude, 30 year old male, third girl female. She wants to move in with me, but says I can sleep with whoever else I'd like with conditions. What are your thoughts? We met a few years ago in nursing school, dated for a few months after graduated.

She left her rather unsatisfying boyfriend who she lived with to date me. Then she broke up with me a few months ago in nursing school, dated for a few months after I graduated. She left her rather unsatisfying boyfriend, who she lived with, to date me. Then she broke up with me a few months later because I was getting seriously depressed. I couldn't express it in detain at the time. Detail? Detail, maybe? Probably. Because we work at the same hospital, I visited her on my lunch break a few days ago. She's back with her ex once out again and misses our sex and dating life.

So after going on a date and sleeping together twice, she wants to move her stuff into my spare room and have a relationship. She says I can sleep with whoever, have relationships, be totally independent as long as I use a condom and she has someone to care for and love. Naturally, I'm suspicious. I wouldn't mind her staying with me. She's going to need a place to stay when she tells her current partner she's leaving for the second time and the exact same reason. Also, having her in my house will benefit my life a lot. She loves to cook and clean for people. She's like a stereotypical 60s housewife, but actually enjoys the role and has a full-time well-paying job.

Main issue is I have other prospects. No one I'm sleeping with, but people I wanna see where things go with. I met a wonderful woman on vacation who lives in the States who I wanna take more vacations with and get to know. I want them to have strong emotional connection and friendship with, but intimacy is impossible. Then just in general, I'm feeling well again, reaching out, making friendships, meeting new people and finding I really love it. I told her it was

inappropriate to spring it on me two dates in and while I had a few drinks with me. So I'm giving it a few days. I'm unsure what to do. This is more of a writing thought exercise, but I would love to hear opinions. Are there any informational gaps I can fill in? Please let me know. I'd love to hear opinions. Are there any informational gaps I can fill in? Please let me know. Yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? There's an informational gap. Where's the information, you crazy person?

This is a terrible idea. You're like, oh, she wants you, she's cool with you fucking other people and being independent and having your own relationship. Okay, that's fine, whatever. But then you're like oh she she just wants someone to care for except when you got severely depressed she fucking dipped on your ass and went right back to her ex and now that you seem to be doing better she's going to

dip on his ass right back to you do you not notice that this is a bad cycle? Dane there's nothing more caring than cheating on your partner, abandoning them, then going back with them, and then doing it again. That's right, like, do you think that- Horrifically cruel. Perhaps, maybe, she was also sleeping with her ex prior to leaving you, since she seems to have no problem. And again, I don't wanna paint people

in the brush of being like, if you cheat, you cheat, you're always a cheater. But she's still cheating here. She currently right now cheating. She seems to always have her next move lined up. You know that because you've been the next move twice now. Yeah. So it seems awfully suspicious as well that what, she dated you, it said for three months three months or something and like what's the gap between the recent breakup and like is she living with him? Like is she just looking for a place to live? Yeah, yeah dated for a few months Back with her ex and now also like stop sleeping with people who have partners

You know, I mean, it's like, you know this and you're like, well, I slept with her twice Like oh, she's leaving her ex again for the same reason. Like, why do you suck? Yeah. All of this seems bad and all of it. I promise you it's going to end poorly. If you let this person move into your house, there's no happy end to it. I can't imagine. It's toxic and it's weird. And like, also, if you were to do some kind of polyamory thing, the boundaries need to be a little more firm than use a condom as long as I have someone to care and love. That's like, how do you enforce that? What does that mean?

Yeah, is it just like, you just have to come home at the end of the night? Like when, are you allowed to spend the night at places? Are you like, what's the, are you allowed to have a partner? If you do get one and you want, like, what if you find someone you like and you want to move on do they get evicted from your home? Are they paying rent are they on the lease? Yeah, like you you have to think about like bigger issues and the things are like one you don't really know this person properly You know what you do know suck shit, right?

On top of that or sorry what we know suck shit You might know them a certain amount, but you haven't lived with them, right? On top of that, or sorry, what we know, suck shit. You might know them a certain amount, but you haven't lived with them, right? You've seen them for a bit. I wouldn't let someone I knew move in with me if they were half as shitty as this, let alone the fact that if I'm hooking up with them and they're living with me,

the responsibility and the potential for catastrophe is crazy. It's like, if you do wanna keep hooking up with this person and seeing them, maybe just do that without living with them. Although again, I think you should maybe divorce yourself from the situation, given you apparently have other prospects and this person seems to be a bit of a train wreck.

There's a lot happening here. Like, is she also allowed to see other people? Yeah. Like, is that allowed? Like, is she still gonna to be seeing her ex? Is her ex, like, are you allowed to have people in your apartment? Like, is she going to start bringing

strangers over to your place? Is she going to bring over her ex that hates you into your space? She knows your schedule as well. You guys work together. Like it's, there's so many issues here, but I think at the end of the day is she's not looking for someone to care for because

when you needed to be cared for, she fucking bailed on you. Yeah. And is she going to do that every time? Because that sucks. And that's the antithesis of sort of like what is being presented here. Also, like the let's look at the upsides as they are. You kind of think that she's going to cook and clean for you. One, do it yourself, bud. And two, like, what? Like, you're that lazy that you're like, well, I can enter this really shitty situation because a stranger might cook and clean for like also get the you guys are fucking nurses. You're not going to have fucking.

She's not going to want to cook and clean for you after working a fucking like 14 hour shift of getting bitten and attacked and fucking like run around. Yeah. Like that's not going to happen, my dude. Like, you know how hard this job is. Like, you're not going to fucking jump through these hoops. She won't either. Also, it's kind of toxic if you're thinking of someone who's in this bad situation

and all you can think of is like, look, it can clean for me. Like, I don't know. It's just a bad situation. Don't do it yeah if you like if there's any part of you that looks at this and it's like this could be good you're an idiot sorry like you're just dumb like it's this is tough love baby and you're and you're a dumbass if you think this is gonna go well because you know it's already gone poorly yeah and I can't tell which is gonna be a worst case of her going in and abandoning you really quickly as

the next person comes along or her moving in and never leaving. Not yeah you you're not able to get rid of her. Yeah it's one of the other. It's it's not gonna be miraculously oh third time's the charm. Yeah. No thank you. Maybe it'll be the third time she won't cheat on her other ex. Yeah. Uh this is by Bon the furry. Hey, I'm Bon and I'm new to this sub. I'm a 19 year old virgin.

Yet I'm into really kinky sexual things. Cicification, forced, futanari, etc. I'm also struggling to figure out what this means for my sexuality. And if there's underlying problems that may be causing this loneliness, inexperience, etc. If you think you have helpful advice or could help shed light on this, please comment below. Thank you. Title being, is it normal to be into really kinky things as a virgin? I imagine this is actually pretty common. Yeah, because all you have to go on is the like the the the external sexual pleasure that you get, porn, fetish stuff, you know what I mean?

Like stuff that you see, things that like ping your interest. So you don't really have any functional or practical knowledge when it comes to sex. Again, I don't know how far you've gone with things. Like I don't know if you're just a virgin because you haven't had sex, you've had oral, hand jobs, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Like I don't know if you're just a virgin because you haven't had sex and you've, you know, had oral hand jobs, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Like, I don't know, but I imagine it's, it's very common for people who haven't had sex, especially at 19 to be into like anything that kind of crosses their, their, their, their plate and be like, yeah, that sounds cool. That sounds awesome. I'm into that.

Like, yeah, you're, you have the whole buffet before you and you, you haven't even tried any of it yet. So of course it's kind of like, look more appealing than it is. You know what I mean? It's like, you might then like run over to the Calabar and be like, Oh, squid's actually kind of gross. And then now you know, you don't like that, but there's still a whole fucking, you know, there's a salad bar and a dessert bar. Like you, you don't know what you like yet. So of course a wider variety of things are going to look appealing to you.

Sure, but also it's like you don't need to have experience to be turned on by something or else no one would look a porn until after they've had sex, you know what I mean? Yes. Just because you haven't had sex doesn't mean there aren't things you're turned on by. So it doesn't mean that you also have to participate in it. Yeah, for sure.

You might like watching extreme bondage stuff, but might not like the pain of it happening in real life, right? Like you might like watching people get spanked, but don't want to be spanked. Those two things can be true at the same time. Yeah, a hundred percent. But like, yeah, you don't like, it's not like a, an RPG where you start as level one virgin and you have to do missionary. Oh, now you're on level two. So you can do doggy. Oh, now you're on level two, so you can do doggy. Oh, now you're level two, you know, like you could be into shit before you've done anything. And as Dane said, that doesn't mean it's gonna translate into the physical, but there's nothing weird about being into shit as a virgin and it's I don't know where you got that idea from.

Yeah, I think so. I think a lot of people, it's the problem with the construct of virginity, right? Thinking that virginity is pure. So because you haven't had sex, you haven't been, you know, deflowered and sullied that you couldn't possibly like some crazy shit or some wild shit or some dirty shit, right? You can't because you're a virgin. You haven't been ruined yet. And I think that's where it comes from, right? Like this idea that virginity equals innocence or virginity equals purity. And if you're not pure, it doesn't make any sense because virgin equals pure. So why am I watching this wild shit? I'm supposed to be innocent. I'm supposed to be pure. And I think that is, it's so detrimental because

you're going to start, depending on how long you don't have sex, I think that is, it's so detrimental because you're going to start, depending on how long you, you not, you don't have sex. I think it's going to manifest toxically in the sense of being like, Oh, I'm a degenerate. Oh, I'm, I'm dirty. I'm this, I'm that rightly. You're going to start making judgment calls about yourself that aren't true at all. We're all allowed to, again, as long as it's consensual and legal, and as long as all the proper criteria is met, you're allowed to enjoy anything.

And the sexual pleasure you receive from any fetish is fine, and again, if you end up getting into the real world, I would argue, maybe don't jump right into fetish. Yes. Right, like I would take it slow and build into it. Maybe also don't start being like I'm super kinky It's like please don't you can be into stuff but like don't act like you've done it because one that's gonna be unhealthy because if people think you have

Experience maybe they'll assume that you know how to do things healthily when you don't cuz you're brand new and two It's just tryhardy and awkward But three remember the porn is not real life I think that's very essential moving into an actual sexual real-life relationship If you're into specific things that are quote-unquote weird Find the community that participates in them and find out how to do them safely Yeah, or find out the red flags of things because Because I think a lot of people, especially younger people, say, oh, I'm into kink. I'm into this. I'm into that. And then they meet people who are

willing to, who want to take advantage of people like that. Right? Usually older men, but I'm sure it goes the other way around of people being like, oh, I, I'll, I'm your Dom, I'll teach you. And then we get all the questions where it's like, oh, they don't establish safe words. They respect consent because, you know, I'm the, I'm the dom, I'll teach you." And then we get all the questions where it's like, oh, they don't establish safe words. They respect consent because I'm the baby sub, so I have to do everything they say. I don't have it learned. You're inexperienced and you're nervous.

You're obviously gonna just kind of roll with what you think is meant to happen, which they're telling you, right? Yeah. So it can lead to really bad situations. Really look into the safety protocols of your kink And also on the flip side don't force your kink onto other people, right? So if you haven't like if you're into peeing on people

You don't get to decide that without having a conversation, right? You don't get to squat over someone and piss on them without having that conversation first talking about it and whatever Enthusiastic is your into something. consent. Just because you're into something. Yes. Just because you're into something doesn't translate into, well, it's my kink. It's for me. We have to do it. No.

It's the same thing as even just sex positions. If you don't like doggy style, you don't have to do it. If you don't like X, Y, and Z, there's a give and take, of course, with sex where you should work with your partner to try to make it as beneficially satisfactory As possible, but at the end of the day You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and that is also flipped right people don't have to do what you want To do just cuz you're into it. Yeah, and that's gonna do it for us. We love it

We do love ending a little time with us. Thank you Josh Eagle in the Harvard Seeds for their song paper stars a little time with us. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for their song Paper Stars. If you love us, go join us on social media anywhere you'll find us or go to our Patreon, sign up, you'll get extra episodes, some deep dives, some movie reviews, our Pillow Talk series, which is like secret episodes of what you just listened to that you love. Usually a lot more unhinged. A lot more unhinged, yeah. Because we're usually like a couple episodes deep at that point in time But we appreciate you hanging out with us. We do pretty for some bad sex writing. Although maybe it's good sex writing

I'll leave you to judge I'll need your energy America said or your wood cat a fist at its lumber and slowly dragged it along the border. No We want it. Yes America gulped. I want your wood so bad. Then drop your tariffs and take it, Canada rasped. America whimpered as the wood filled its country. Canada tugged America's hair in a fist and said, now say the magic words.

You're not for sale, America whispered, and Canada thrusts like it was giving America a treat. Good girl I mean, that's the best one you've had on the show. It's pretty damn good. It's pretty damn good I don't know. We did once have the cookie monster having sex with clay from sons of anarchy and that's true But i'm sure i'm sure that could be picked apart as problematic in some way. That was just good old-fashioned patriotism That's never wrong My name is dane mill Miller and I'm Nal Spain and we've been your Canucks we've been your Canadians