F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 352 - Never Let an Erection Get in the Way of a Magic Trick

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

Well, wrap me up in a carpet and throw away my hundreds of snakes because I refuse to believe any woman doesn't want a vagina full of magic ribbon.  Topics include how to make your relationship disappear, the wandering eye that is actually pretty stationary, skipping lay day on first dates, and a Tinder profile 2000 swipes in the making.

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Niles Payne, and we are your fuck buddies We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations We find questions either online Prowling the internet or we get them from our wonderful twisted listeners and we answer them right here right now on this very podcast

Welcome back. Hello. Hey, how's it going? It me. Hi. You're the problem. It's you. Yeah, it is. I am the problem. Have you heard the Carpet Man? The Carpet Man, the Carpet Man man. Oh, at least two. Yes. The New York Carpet Man. Cool. Oh, yes. Yes, I do. Oh, you have. I am.

I am privy to this. Illustrate to me what the Carpet Man situation is. So the Carpet Men are from what I've gathered from the videos that I've seen, are men who roll themselves up like a mob victim, like someone who's been shot by the mob and is getting disposed of. They're rolled up in a carpet and they sit by well trafficked area on New York City streets, usually outside of a subway is where I've seen them the most.

I've seen them a lot in like narrow passages where they cannot be avoided. Oh, you don't have a choice. Exactly. Exactly. So I've seen it, I've seen them like just around the corner of where you come up out of the New York subway. And I guess to like catch people unawares as they like turn the no one's no one's looking at the ground thinking hey maybe there's a man wrapped up in a carpet lying on the ground and these these dirty dogs

these these dirty carpet dogs want to be stepped on yeah yeah which is interesting now I will say there are apparently two distinct carpet man right okay one of whom apparently asks for consent. OK, the other one obfuscates the fact that he is a man in a carpet so that you step on him unwillingly. Right. A lot of people have described their they're upset to have felt a human under there. And then I guess a secondary upset to know that he's also doing it on purpose,

because like, you don't know what he's doing under that car. That's the thing, right? Like it's one thing to participate unwillingly in someone's kink. It's another thing to participate in someone's kink who is currently like enjoying it to also satisfaction. Right. Like they're both bad. But I think when he is worse, if you step on a man and he wants you to step on him, that's kind of grimy.

But you step on a man and he's also jerking it. He claims he doesn't. But hey, you know what? What good for what else would a what else would a carpet jerking man say? Yeah. Although I mean, like, I mean, I guess you could do very subtle, subtle manipulations. They're pretty really good. Yeah. So, yeah, you could do a lot under there.

I do appreciate that from what it looks like is It women have a problem with this Understandably, but it does seem like dudes are like hell Yeah, step on this idiot and and then like sort of like it's not until much later that they realize that they have participated in sexual act But it does seem like a lot of dudes are like, fuck it. Just kind of like stomping on a dude. Yeah, I would feel very bad if I stepped on someone and because I would just assume

that maybe they were unhoused and just down and out, or maybe they survived a mob hit. And now their day's gotten worse because I also stepped on them. Yeah, just the idea of stepping on another human being is enough to sort of be like, oh no, this. I remember there was one time where I had snuck off the beaten path down into sort of like a ravine under a bridge in Toronto to pee. And I did not realize that the mound of of refuse that was nearby was a man like under a bunch of stuff like it was like a bunch of cardboard and I don't

need on I didn't pee on him but I was essentially peeing in his house you know I mean like I was in his place of don't do that I rest I felt fucking terrible if I saw a man rolled up in the carpet you know I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't piss on him. Well, he's not. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see if nicely. No, because I'm too busy stepping on him and I can't pee and step at the same time.

Anyway, so one of the carpet men, apparently chill, apparently asks for permission, and I did see that he has earned up to $300 a day doing it. I don't know where he gets that money from. Maybe people tip him. I don't know. It's very bizarre. The other one apparently is a sneaky boy. He doesn't like people to realize that he's doing it and he gets really angry when people call him on it or try to film him. But he also apparently is incredibly wealthy. I was going to say that I was talking to my partner.

My partner was the one who showed me illuminated the corners of Carpet Men lifestyle. And I was like, there's, I bet you that one of these dudes is a fucking like billionaire CEO who owns like, and this is the only way you should ever feel joy anymore. He's basically Batman, but his parents survived and then he just became a little carpet freak. His parents are still alive and giving him too much money. Yeah, yeah. That's like, do you remember that,

that the rat guy in Toronto, the guy who had all the rats? No. There's two people who I'm convinced in Toronto lore are- Is this where Ratman comes from? Is, no, this is just a dude who just had a shit ton of rats that were like really well trained I I I feel like he's a very wealthy man. And then do you also remember how much it cost to feed a bunch? Yeah, I know Santa right. I also think that that dude was also well for you to explain Santa to our Santa was a a what I can only describe as if a a old jacked influencer got ripped on ketamine right around the Santa suit all year round yeah pretty

accurate that's that was Santa that was Toronto Santa I do think he ended up becoming a massive piece of shit. Like, I think he was- Unsurprising. Very ripped, topless, angry man doing pushups in public became asshole. Yeah, I think he, I think he did get called out for like, sexually assaulting a lot of people. No, no. But again, I, I, again, I don't want to slander Xanta, because I know he doesn't listen. You kind of just did though.

You kind of fully did. But I remember, I remember things being like, Santa's not just a funny blah, blah, blah. This is years ago, though. And and I'm I was pretty sure that he was a like a Fortune 500 company owner. For sure. He's definitely a trust fund baby, at least. How can you make all those toys?

Or these two dudes were just unfortunately mentally very unwell and took it out on the world in gimmicky ways like really shitty Batman villains well this week we're gonna talk about I want to break up with my magician boyfriend dude is inappropriate trick I think there's a high chance my boyfriend wants to sleep with other women at some point in her his life told my gym crush I don't go all the way on first dates now. It's awkward. I mess up And then I think I've teased it last week, but we're gonna do it. It's gonna be yeah My fiance wants me to play dead

That's not even the 24 year old female want to break up my magician boyfriend 27 year old male due to his inappropriate magic trick my boyfriend I have been together for one year and three months. Our relationship has been very loving, but start to get bumpy since we moved in together for our one year anniversary. You moved in after a year. A little backstory. I'm in college right now.

We can't trash people on that because I have specifically moved in with my partner after a year. Doesn't mean it was good. It's crazy. Um, I thought they said three months because it was one year and three months and they said a year and I was like wait a minute but I did it backwards. I'm in college right now pursuing my master degree in archaeology while also work as a library clerk to earn money whereas my boyfriend works a magician for

parties and events despite our different career paths I've never had a problem with his career because it makes him happy. I am going to skip a bit because it is a lot of dunking on magicians. Before living together, we would see each other a few times a week to the busy schedule. But now that we live each other, we see each other all the time. And as a result, he does magic all the time. He'll make my keys disappear as I'm trying to go to work. Tries to practice his card tricks on me while I'm doing homework. He makes the cleaning rag vanish when I ask him to clean.

I was recently done something that makes you want to end the relationship. Last month, we were getting steamy. He went down on me, I'm doing homework. He makes the cleaning rag vanish when I ask him to clean. I was recently done something that makes you want to end the relationship. Last month we were getting steamy, he went down on me, which isn't unusual. When he was going down on me, he was saying some dirty talk here and there. I was lost in the moment for obvious reasons, but I snapped out when he said,

oh, how'd that get in there? I watched him pull a coin out from my crotch. He found the coin moment hilarious, but just took me out of the moment that instantly made me annoyed. So he stopped. Later I told him doing magic in the bedroom made me dry up. So I asked him to keep that kind of magic out of the bedroom.

Can we just appreciate that she says that kind of magic? Yeah, that's that kind of magic. I don't want close up fucking sleight of hand magic. I do want sexy time magic. I cast fireball. I appreciate it. However, for oh, sorry, skipping ahead. I talked to some of my friends, they thought it was funny, so I figured I was overreacting

and need to lighten up a bit, and he didn't do magic tricks in the bedroom for the next few weeks. However, four days ago we were having sex, he started to yell, ow! So I got off him quickly and asked what was wrong. He said, I think there's something in you. Let me check. I laid on the bed like I was at the gyno because I trusted there was something wrong he would find it.

After two minutes he says, here it is. I watched he pulled a long ribbon thing that just kept going and going. Took him over me to realize it was one of his magic tools he purposely put in me while he was checking to see what he felt. He found it hilarious and couldn't stop laughing while he was pulling the string more and more.

I ripped the thing out while doing it and yelled him for doing another magic trick even though I told him not to. He said he was just adding more fun to our sex life. He wants to see what magic trick would look like if it was coming out of a crotch. The original magic trick involves your mouth. I was pissed off. I made him stay at his parents house for the past few days. This morning I talked to him, but he still thinks it's not a big deal. I get he's a magician. He loves magic. I'm still upset for him breaking the boundary that I set. I'm fine with his magic tricks 85% of the time,

but sex is where I draw the line. I'm demisexual, so I need a strong, trusting, close relationship with someone before I can think about having sex with him. So him breaking my boundary really hurt me. I've lost trust in him. However, everyone I've talked to says what he did was hilarious, and I've been told by multiple people I'm overreacting. We have a strong relationship.

I really saw myself marrying him one day, fully trusted him, but now I don't know if I can again. Should we break up or can we fix this? Thanks for the advice. Look, I'm going to say it right here. This is a fake question. This is this is the gotcha question. I'm not going to believe that it's real.

I'm not going to believe it. I'm not where I'm going to answer it as if it is real. One, we've gotten worse. That has been real, too. Yeah, it's fun. Look, the the coin thing, a wild move, but presumably he didn't actually put a dirty ass coin inside your vagina and was instead slight a hand, you know, traditional, because believe it or not, there is not a coin behind the ear. It's all it's all in the hand.

Sorry. I look, I know, man, there's gonna be a lot that I say. What do you mean? Now, there's gonna be a lot that I say this question. Then what? Now there's a lot that I say this question thing. What do you that's really gonna set you and I just need you to The The ribbon however, I'm glad they specified where the ribbon usually goes. Yeah, I know thank God, which is the mouth whose mouth Presumably his yeah, I'm really hard to get it into someone else's mouth without them noticing. Yeah, but I don't know if he has like a fucking partner. You know, I mean, I don't know if he has like a either way they would be in on it. Yes. Yeah. You know, I mean, what I'm saying is like you couldn't sneak it like you

can pull a coin out from some of your non-consensual audience member and be like, haha, I've somehow managed to stuff a fucking four meter rope in your mouth. But the thing is, is you can't clean a ribbon, right? Like not one that big. You can, I guess you could wash it, but how much do we know that this magician is washing his ribbons? He's not. So already it's pretty dirty. And to stuff something like that inside someone is gross. To put any foreign object without consent is gross. And borderline crime. If not full crime. Also just bad for your health in general. Like if it's a literal ribbon, those kind of sharp edges and that sounds terrible. Or loose threads that are in there. Like God only knows what the fuck. Cause they said ribbon and string and like, I

don't know. I don't know which one it is and both I think so I think string is the worst because it's porous and like, you know, believe ribbon is like slick But it's also sharp. Yeah Either way, this is terrible and I hate it so much but it is Fucking funny though. The ribbon isn't. No, the coin. The coin is funny. The coin fucking hilarious.

And like hypothetically, the idea of the ribbon is funny. The practicality of it isn't. The idea of just pulling out magic in the bedroom is funny in a way that we would say it as really fake joke advice that you should never take us up on. But it's a stupid goof for us to be like, Oh, imagine you were a magician and you did trickster. He said, Oh, like, look, we're so funny. Yeah, it's not like.

You did the coin. I appreciate the first try, right? Like you first try of being like, I got to fucking do this one. This is why I enjoy a little impish behavior. But you can get away with it because it didn't go inside someone. So at best you were just being kind of dumb and or like spoiling. You ruin the mood. But the second one, one, you're putting something in someone no consent.

That's terrible. Two, you're breaking an express boundary. That's terrible. So that's it, right? Like the first one, there was no no magic rule in the bedroom. So you tried something. It didn't work. It fell flat. She asked you never to, it didn't work. It fell flat.

She asked you never to do it again. She didn't want it. And then you thought, Hmm, what if I take it even worse one even further and do something really gross that actually puts my partner at risk? You can't trust this person because if you ask them, like you've asked them, imagine like you get married and you say, Hey baby, I know you're a magician. And we have scheduled a really solid, like 25 minute break for you to do magic at the wedding.

But during the ceremony, I don't want you to do any magic. I want this to just you can't trust that because this man is going to like reach out to give you a ring and like, whoa, it's a dove now. This man has you've asked him not to do magic. his his next step was put something inside of you into your vagina. Yeah, like that that leap from from one harmless, stupid magic to I'm going to put something inside of her. I'm going to insert something without her permission inside of her. The thing is, if he had done that first instead of the coin, still bad, right? Like even just having bad, but like also breaking the boundary double bad. Like it's it's it's just all bad.

But the thing is, like he already like, do you really want to be with a partner? Because even if going forward, he trusts you or he holds to his word. Do you want to be with someone who, when you say, don't do a thing, is going to do it at least one more time and then maybe we'll believe even more extreme. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right. But even also, like once once the fucking trust is broken in something like this, I feel like you're always going to be living like you'll probably never be able to really enjoy sex for the rest of the relationship because you're always going

to be like sex when you're like, wait, what was that? Was that string? Yeah. it's like always fingering me But I can't enjoy it because I don't know if he's stuffing a fucking handkerchief tied together in multiple different colors inside of me Yeah, so it's it here's you do your really cool vanishing act and just fucking I'm gone The problem is you live together so it is it is a little more difficult to. So you got to cut him in half on the saw first. Yeah. Tell him you've picked up a

few magical tricks and try to cut him in half or just lock him in a closet and be like wow where did my boyfriend go. Where could he be. I made him disappear and then do eventually he'll stop playing on the door. Tommy so hard he died., we should stop advocating violence.

I think it is a very fair thing for you to be upset by. Your boundaries were crossed and broken and your consent was ignored. And he put you at risk. And like, I understand why people are saying it's funny because they're not actually thinking about it properly, but it's kind of short sighted and shitty of your friends to say that. And also it, I'm sorry. You, if you came up to me and was like, Hey man,

I did the funniest break the other day. I put a string inside my girlfriend's vagina. I would be so horrified. Like that wouldn't be funny. Yes. All to me. But you're also on this podcast for a reason that reason being you're a good person. Yeah, I just, I can't imagine any friend. I'm like, I'm assuming, and this might be, you know,

shitty of me, but I'm assuming she's talking about her girlfriends. Yeah. She's complaining, right? I can't imagine another woman being like, you're not, what do you mean you don't think it's funny that he shoved a foreign object? Like that's crazy to me.

Maybe she didn't go into that much detail. Maybe she was just like, he started doing the string thing and they're like, Oh, like, you know what I mean? Like I think there's a level of detail you get into on Reddit when it's anonymous. Yeah. I don't know why I'm making excuses for shitty friends. Like I've no, I have no horse in this race. Um, maybe they just. Hey, imagine you asked your boyfriend not to put his dick in your ass and then he put his dick in your ass. Like that's the same thing. She

asked for something and then he took it one step further. You know what I mean? Like it's it's bad or being like instead of I asked, I asked my boyfriend not to put his finger in my ass. And so the next time he's taking my ass. Yeah. It's like, it's dumb. It's bad. And it doesn't matter if people are saying it's funny or you're overreacting because you are upset and you are upset with reason. You didn't have reason and you were upset, you're allowed to act on that. But you do have reason. It's very fair.

So yeah, dump them. Can't trust them. And if you're looking for ways to get rid of his body, we know a carpet man. Perhaps maybe move to New York City, wrap him up. And now we got three carpet men. Yeah. If you're like going through the streets and a policeman's like, wait, what's that? He just wants to get stepped on, bro. They're like, keep going. All right, you scamp. Do you think this is going to catch on? The carpet men?

Do you think there's going to be more carpet men? Because there's definitely more men than two people in New York City who like to be stepped on. Let's be real. I think there may because it recently like a pinnacle of fame And I think that's gonna like there were like burgeoning carpet people who are now like well I could just go do that or cool or people are just gonna like Notice that they're getting like fame out of this to some degree right who don't even want to get stepped on and that's the thing They're gonna get hurt those people They don't have the fortitude. They don't have the sexual strength to to kind of like in

investing in the right carpets that have the That like stuff underneath, you know, I mean like that weird like white grid that makes carpet strong You know, you know, you know what the carpet strong what could the make carpet strong? Of course, everyone know what grid that make carpet strong. Yeah, they're gonna go out with some weak ass carpet from dollar store and die. Yeah, it doesn't even have white grid. Yeah, a stampede of people leaving a subway in an eave. They're gonna be pulped. Yeah.

Hit me with that question. Within a well of secrets asks, I think there's a high chance my boyfriend would want to sleep with other people later in life. He's great, attentive, hardworking, honest to a fault at times. He's also girl crazy. He loves beautiful women. I said he's honest to a fault and he tells me statements like, I'm a man. Yes, there are girl I think. There are girl I think.

Yeah, man. Sometimes I look outside and I'm like, I think there are girl. The quotation marks in this part of it, because it does say, he'll tell me statements like, I am a man. Well, that doesn't really take anyone to be honest to a fault. You're just expressing your gender identity. Well, that is honest. It is, yeah.

And he says, yes, there are a girl that I think I would hit that, but I don't pursue it. I love you. I pursued you, et cetera. I've never been with someone who is honest about thinking other women are hot, etc. I come from a rigid Christian failed marriage where even looking at someone with lust wasn't allowed. So now I'm with a man who wouldn't be surprised if he eventually got over sleeping with just one woman and I'm trying to navigate this. He hasn't told me he wants to, but he's talked about when I'm a cougar someday, I would want to sleep with

a younger guy. I would want to sleep with a younger guy I would like to talk with people who have navigated their partner wanting to be with someone else and how to navigate a man that is Hyper attracted to women. Thanks. He doesn't want to be with someone else. He just finds someone hot There's so much of this where I'm just like where cuz like am I girl crazy? Like I see women sometimes and I'm like they are attractive That is a that is an attractive person and I wouldn't consider I girl crazy like I see women sometimes and I'm like they are attractive That is a that is an attractive person and I wouldn't consider myself girl crazy I would consider myself pretty girl crazy, but like I look am I girl crazy? Yes, but not when I'm in a monogamous relationship

you know what I mean, like my my girl crazy radar is or my dial is toned down because like I'm not I don't like Continue to think about them. I don't continue to think about them. I don't continue to, you know what I mean? I don't necessarily. No, I don't think about them, but it's like you see someone that's like, they're hot. But I think that's normal human behavior. Yes, yes.

Normal in the sense of people who are not aromantic or people who are romantic and sexual. I don't want you to. Yeah, that's a great point. I don't think that's the girl crazy part. I don't know, I don't know. I don't want you- Yeah, that's a great point. I don't think that's the girl crazy part. I don't know, I don't know. I don't understand what they're upset about. To me, girl crazy means like,

if he was like, oh, I saw her and I had to go and chat with her and I got her number, I'm never gonna use it. That to me is girl crazy. See, that's just scumbag and or cheater. Yeah, that comes to me as girl crazy. Or again, when we were young single men We would go out I would consider our behavior girl crazy in the sense of like we were happy to chat with multiple women

Make out with multiple women. Yeah, like that kind of behavior Yeah, I guess like that's like you could still find people attractive to the same degree It's what like but acting on that doesn't make you girl crazy or not. I don't know I don't think there's any valid point in trying to even decide what girl crazy is because the point here is like one is your partner saying they want to be with somebody else, which they aren't. Two, is your partner untrustworthy, which I don't know, but that should be the issue, not that he finds people attractive.

And three, that like everybody finds other people attractive. Yeah, just because every other partner you've had has repressed it. Lied about it, yeah. And like, I'm sorry, but there's no one out there who's like once they're with the partner that they're with, all of a sudden can't possibly see another attractive person. Your brain just like shuts down.

They see Scarlett Johansson, the average dude is probably like, yeah, I would. Yeah, that's fine. Because it's like girl crazy. That's just them being a person who is attracted to those types of people. Yeah. You're also looking at,

I don't know, that Thor guy and being like, yeah, Chris Hemsworth, that's his name. I mean, like, yeah, he's hot. And guess what? He is. Or you're like Toby McGuire. Maybe I don't think anyone's looking at Toby McGuire. Man, the three things I thought of were Toby McGuire, Vin Diesel

and that Thor guy and that Thor guy. It's look is Timberlake or Lando Bloom in that new movie. He's looking real hot. And you should watch that new movie. Everyone should go watch Deep Cover. It's a great fucking movie. If the problem is, he's saying this every time he sees an attractive woman, I would understand that that could get old.

I don't think I would appreciate it if every time I was out with my partner, she nudged me and was like, I'd fuck him. I'd fuck him. I'd fuck her. I'd fuck her. You know what I mean? I think that would get really old and not just like I think it would kind of make me a little insecure. But also, I think it would like it would just be like, I think that would get really old and not just like I think it would kind of make me a little insecure But also I think like it would just be like I these are inside thoughts my love Here I'd kind of be like why why are we talking about this so often? You know, I mean, yes, that's and like I just I think a

Healthy relationship is one in which you are able to express these things because again we all feel them, right? It's like pooping. You're going to go poop at some point. There's people who are like, I saw some fucking reality TV show and they were like, oh my God, I can't believe I have to live with this partner. Usually for the first six months I never poop around someone. I'm like, why? What are you doing?

You know what I mean? We know you're taking a shit at some point. Much like I know you're attracted to someone at some point is pretending you don't or pretending that your partner doesn't any better. No, it's not. You're lying to yourself. You're lying to other people. If you're overdoing it and that's all

you fucking talk about. Sure. But like if you've had a talk and it's like, yes, Scarlett Johansson's hot. Shocker. We all we all get that. Everybody knows that. Yeah. And I don't think there's a problem with bringing up to your partner and being like,

hey, you know, I'm still sort of like working through some insecurities and I come from a place where like, having these thoughts being said out loud is a bit jarring for me and I don't wanna take that away from you, but do know that like, when you bring it up, if again, if it's happening frequently,

it does make it seem like I'm not enough, or I have, whatever, be honest about your feelings, right? I don't want to project. I feel a little insecure. I'm worried that you want someone else instead of me, or that you're gonna leave me, or you're gonna whatever. And let them reassure you, the only caveat being if they were doing what Dane said,

where they're always talking about it, be like, hey, why? It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. What's the point? I think there's an honesty and just an openness about being able to admit other people are attractive that done right is healthy. If they've done it weirdly, if you think it's like weaponized or it's making you feel bad. But again, even if they're doing it right and it is healthy, but it doesn't feel healthy for you, have that conversation, admit how you're feeling and hopefully they'll reassure you and there'll be a step in the right direction.

Yeah. My partner will often like turn her phone around and be like, huh? To like attractive women. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Hey, if a guy walks by me and he's fucking hot as hell or he's shredded or he's dressed like alter and be like, that guy's hot as hell. Me and my partner do not, I don't think, agree on on male attractiveness. The way every time. Apparently, I'm into very sad looking men. Not that they look sad, isn't like a little sad, like they just look like me. Like, what's his name? Winter Soldier guy.

OK, yeah. Bucky Barnes. You like I think. Yeah, I guess brooding is a kinder way. Partner. Apparently, that's what I'm into. Yeah, I'm trying to think. I think I'm into like I'm into like the soft boy, like every man. That's kind of like what I'm into. Like I'm into like the stop. You know who she did turn me on was is Sam Rockwell.

I never, I never really thought of it. But like, but she she was like, yeah, Sam Rockwell. I never ever was. I really thought of it. But like but she she was like, yes, Sam Rockwell is like the sexiest man alive. And then like, you know, you see him a little bit more. I'm like, OK, yeah, I get it. See, I don't know. He always plays such gremlin characters that like I don't see it in terms of like a hotness. I fucking love him. But yeah, I think it's I think maybe

he's just not sad enough for me. I don't think he's. Yeah, that's the thing. I think he's I think maybe it's not that enough for me. I don't think he's yeah That's the thing. I think he's got too much impish impish joy in his characters to to really rope the the Nile in Yeah, I don't know but like you've seen like seven psychopaths and stuff right? He's just so like out there that I'm like. I don't know if I can yeah find that attractive now I'm gonna bloom in this new movie though. He's popping off. Are you paid by this movie? I wish it was a great movie You know, I think he's in his his post Katy Perry era now that he's dumped her and it's like yeah

Get off that sinking ship. Yeah I'm sorry. She's not going underwater. She's head going to space. Yeah, although hey, maybe we can all hope for another submarine happening Yeah, maybe she can all hope for another submarine happening Yeah, maybe she should be in a sinking ship oof Katie's gonna press to the Elon. Yeah, cuz they're buds now, of course they are Where were we? I think we said I think we're done with that question. Next one. Yeah told my Jim crush She's in her 40s. I'm in my late 20s. I don't go all the way on first dates.

Now it's awkward, did I mess up? This is from SDGolfer. Guy in my late 20s, for the past few years, I've naturally gravitated towards older women, usually in their 40s and 50s. That's just where I find the best connection, both emotionally and physically, the maturity, the communication and vibe just clicked with me.

Recently, I met a woman at my gym. She's in her late 40s, absolutely stunning. And more importantly, we vibe on a personality level like crazy. We ended up going for a casual drink at a nearby brewery after a workout. Flirty, fun, relaxed, honestly, a fantastic time. I live right next to the place and suggested swinging by to check out my apartment afterwards. Went back, threw on a movie and ended up making out on the couch.

Here's the thing. I have a firm personal boundary. I don't go beyond kissing on a first date. For me, emotional connection needs to be deeper before things get more intimate. I gently communicated this to her, thinking honestly it would be appreciated, but the mood totally shifted. She seemed embarrassed, a little disappointed, and ended up leaving not long after. We haven't spoken since. So I'm wondering, one, did I do the wrong thing here? Should I have approached that conversation differently? Two, should I reach out and ask her on a second date, or give her space and wait to see if she reaches out first. I really like her. I generally want to make things right, but I don't want to pressure overstep trying to navigate this respectfully, but appreciate advice or insight.

I don't think you did it poorly. I mean, I guess I like I guess it's hard to tell when we don't have a transcript of what happened. Like, were you guys getting hot and heavy? And was it just like being really flirty and fun? and you just kind of like Pushed her way and be like hey, I'm not gonna fuck you cuz yeah, that's weird Or was it sort of like was she going to escalate like was she taking your pants off and you were just like oh hey So I don't really like to sleep with people on a first date because I don't think that's like you set a boundary That's fine. You're allowed to have them we can get into you know, the arbitrariness of Making rules like that.

But if it is something like you don't like having sex until you have a firm emotional connection with someone, that's fine. That's a completely normal boundary that people have. So I think it really comes down to when and why you told her this. I think the only thing I could see that's being done wrong here is almost like the reading between the lines of the situation She's 20 to 30 years older than you you working out and you went for a drink and you said let's go back to my apartment She's probably not expecting we're gonna date right like she's twice your age and then some you're probably not gonna have a relationship But then instead of the hookup that she was expecting, you say, one, I don't whatever on the first date, which makes it seem like you think this is dating,

which could make her uncomfortable. And then, too, you kind of pull the rug out from the like, let's go check out my apartment with a I don't go all the way on the first date. Not to say you're not allowed to do that, but there is kind of an expectation, I think, given the age and the circumstance and the phrasing. Yeah, I think that's fair. I do think that this is a great opportunity to have an introspective look at women's behavior

when they're denied sex. Because for all intents and purposes, it sounds like you guys had a great date, but the second she was rejected, she shut down and left. And that's we'd be very differently if it was the opposite way around. Right. Yeah. It was a woman and a guy. We wouldn't be like, well, maybe we'd be like, fuck this dude.

Yeah. So it's like, I think there's, I think there is something, I think there may be truth to what you're saying, but I don't think that like at any point in time, age, experience, vibe, whatever. I think like, if you think you're going over to hook up with someone and then they have the right to not do that at any point in time, as we've talked about from the flip side of thing of like, you know, women going to dude's houses or like dudes paying for dinner and expecting whatever.

Yep. Again, I'm not saying she's in the right to be feeling that way. 100%. But you're saying I could buy a suit. That's where it's coming from. Right. And I do think like whether or not you're in the right, I think it is something to consider like for her.

She should consider her behavior because I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate a man doing that to her. So but for him, I do think being aware of kind of like the unspoken things that you're getting yourself into will help you navigate around them a little bit more. You know what I mean? And I think going forward, you should figure out what you want. Like, are you dating? Do you want to have a relationship with this person?

Or or you do you want to just like an ongoing thing and you just kind of like want to make you to warm up to sex? Yeah. Yeah. Because I think the phrasing, right? Like if someone's like, oh, I don't like hook up on the first date or don't go all the way on the first date, but like I never had any intention of like dating them. I think that phrasing might throw me for a loop a little bit. So if you want to hook up, but you don't want to do it that

night, maybe reach out and just be like, hey, I had a really good time the other night. Like, you know, I appreciate your respect to my boundary, blah, blah, blah. I just want to get to know you better to hook up. But if you're still down, like, let's meet up. Yeah. Or if you hook up on the second date, we. Yeah. Yeah. Like or if you do want a relationship, state that so that you're on the same page.

Because, again, maybe I'm just assuming things, but I can't imagine that's on the cards with such a wild age gap. You know, so you're not in the wrong, unless you delivered it like a madman. They are kind of in the wrong for, I would say they are in the wrong for shutting down like this, because again, at no point are you owed sex. So even if they thought all signs were pointing towards sex,

you could have changed your mind, you could have whatever. So that's not a cool move on their behalf. If you're not turned off by that, I would say just follow up with, you know, had a fun night and kind of like laying out the situation, whether or not you do want to hook up or if you're in a relationship or whatever, just you're on the same page and they get to, you know, meet you on that same page of communication.

And if they're shitty, fuck them. And by that, I mean, don't. Yeah, for sure. What time? Man. OK. All right. We're doing it. I got gotta get it off. I gotta get it off my list I will say I have a tinder review that I would love to do okay I don't know if it's too early for that yeah, cuz I feel like this is I mean this question itself was long Let's okay once again. We're gonna delay. We're gonna delay the question. I'm gonna move to a

A quicker question. I think we can solve quickly and then we'll do the 10. I'm never going to do this bummer question. Radiant Set asks, should I beat off before my date? I'm going on a date with this girl later and I've been not masturbating in preparation, but now I'm getting bad blue balls. There's like a 70% chance something is going to happen as she plans to come over after. Should I just relieve the pain or should I hold out?

I really wanted to hold out because sometimes my little guy can have trouble showing up, but now I'm worried I'm just going to be in pain the whole time and it's going to suck. Help! Why are you in pain? I don't know if I've ever experienced blue balls. The way that it seems to be described as existing in like society. Like, I don't know if I've ever been.

I don't think my balls have ever hurt because I haven't come. I have deaf. I've experienced blue balls. If you're like really turned on for like a prolonged period of time and then like nothing happens, there's like a discomfort or like an ache. It's not necessarily like whatever. But again, it's it's being turned on for a prolonged period of time. It's not a, I just haven't come in a week.

You know what I mean? So what are you doing? Are you edging? Like, are you looking at porn or getting so excited about this person that you have a consistent erection for a long time and not doing anything about it? Because that's worrying to me.

You know what I mean? Because you're either doing it to yourself or you're so like hair trigger about this that maybe you should just jerk off because it just doesn't compute to me. Because there's the, I think the crux of the question is that you're holding out because, well, there's that, but it's like you're holding out because you seem to have performance problems. But like, hey, let me tell you, the best way to get performance problems is to start coming up with reasons as to why they're not going to happen this time.

And you're going to get so in your head because now you're going to be like, I'm in pain because I haven't jerked off. And that's why my dick isn't working now. And instead of, and then if you jerk off and you have a, an issue, then it's going to be like, well, it's because I jerked off. And then you're going to start spiraling forever. Like, and then you're going to try to find like a weird, like perfect state of having come.

I don't jerk off, but if I come seven days. Yeah. Like, so I'm like, my main issue here is I don't understand how you're in pain unless you are, as I said, in this constant state of arousal. Because blue balls doesn't work like, oh, I just haven't come in the week. My balls hurt. See, this is why I've never understood like blue balls. Cause it, for me, every time I ever was ever talked about it or, or people have

like, you know, brought it up, it's about like just having not come. Like it's, it's like a, there's, there's a sort of like metaphorical, like buildup of come in your balls that are going now gonna make and I'm just like that one That's not how it works. Like just anatomy wise. Yeah, I just I don't understand is stored That's where the piss comes from the balls make the piss. Yeah. No, it's it's literally and again I'm sure we could look it up and get like a scientific thing because I believe it's it's real like I don't think it's a Let's do it let's look at that I just typed as blue balls exist informally referred to it's a let's do it let's look at that I just typed just blue balls exist informally refer to its epideminal hypertension for males or blue vulva for

females is harmless but uncomfortable sensation in the genital region during a prolonged state of sexual arousal yeah yeah so I felt really old it within hours unless relieved through an orgasm yeah so it's like if you just have a boner for like a long time and then don't do anything with it again, it's not not coming. Although, yes, it is. But it's like the more so it is being aroused for so long without that release. And it just creates kind of like an achy, almost sometimes

like a nauseous feeling like deep in the pit of your your tummy or like your balls, which whatever, like get over it. You know what I mean? People who use that as an excuse, they suck. And two again, what are you doing? Are you in a constant state of arousal? Because that's the problem here. If not, you're just, you have another issue. I mean, it does seem like there is, there is performance issue. There seems to be like an ED issue. That's pain. That's, that's, how much of his real, is he just making up the pain like I don't yeah

because the thing is if you just don't jerk off and you do get to a point of rather you'll probably just have a wet dream or Something and it'll just like this the steam valve will be released. You know, I mean one way or another I is God will just jerk you off. This dude is That's yeah, that's what happens. I assume this dude is edging. That is that is going to be my assumption is that this dude is like prepping himself so that his dick is ready to go. I don't think too much bud. You you have you've fallen so far out of the grace of God. He won't jerk you off. Yeah even he's not to jerk you off now.

Uh, you, you need to chill. And I think you really need to get a healthier outlook on masturbation because I think you're relying on it too much in probably two ways. One, you're probably jerking off like during your quote unquote dry spells, when you're not going on dates or whatever, you're probably jerking off way too much.

For sure. And then when you finally do get a date, you're not going on dates or whatever, you're probably jerking off way too much. For sure. And then when you finally do get a date, you're using masturbation as a means to offset sort of probably a lack of sensation that you're getting or just nerves. Yeah. Because that's the thing. We've talked about it a ton of times where it's like the second you get it in your head, that oh, there's a problem. It's going to be a problem because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy because your brain is constantly working against you

And it's gonna be really hard to break that cycle, etc, etc. So look The best thing to do is if your little guy doesn't show up. That's fine That just means oh it's time for me to take this person to pleasure town Because that is gonna take your mind off it in a lot of ways because one one, you're not going to feel so bad about it if she came her fucking brains out to you're not going to be thinking about it. If all you're thinking of is like how you're using your tongue and your hands and everything to make this person your coins, your brains, your exactly.

If you're working all your brain on trying to slip that ribbon in there without her noticing, then you're going to have it out of there. You're fucking gold. Exactly. That's the thing. You're gonna be- You pull a rabbit out of there, you're fucking golden. Exactly, that's the thing. You're trying so hard with the rabbit. Fuck, I've got a bowler, but it's getting in the way of the trick. Now it's back to square one. That's why your balls hurt. Because you get in the way of a magic trick.

You stored all your rabbits in there. The rabbits are stored in the balls along with the piss. Rabbit and piss are the two things stored in the balls. There's way of two of them. One each, exactly. Thank you. Somebody finally had the balls to say it Uh, uh, you gotta calm down. I will say if you are literally in pain Maybe jerk off and also maybe go to a fucking doctor firstly two

If you think not jerking off is going to be all you can think of or it's going to affect your behavior Jerk off, right? Because again, I do I do have an excellent update about 10 minutes after posting this his comment was the only one on the post that said fuck it I'm gonna jerk off so yeah it was it was it was you know it happened he did it's fair. Yeah, it's probably for the best Were you a jerk-off predate kind of guy? No, were you a specifically not jerking off before first date kind of guy? I don't think I ever really thought about it. I'm sure but I mean like in my mind

I was like I didn't want to I don't want to like ruin the show right like if if sex is gonna happen Potentially I'd like to be fresh for the fight. That's fair. Yeah. I don't think I'd never like really had a, because I know a lot of people are like, if you're going out, you've got to jerk off or if you're going out, you've got to not jerk off because either it like, there's all these different like. Yeah. The testosterone is higher. Yeah. Yeah. I never had a rhythm you know, or like a go-to

Yeah, and during my during my my big single days I had Like stamina was never really a thing for me. It was very very rare if I came quickly So I know that is another thing of reason people do it is so that like they don't they don't come as fast Yeah, when I was like younger, like stamina sometimes like not really, but like it happened once or twice in a way that I wasn't thrilled with. So occasionally, because like on the flip side, getting it up was never an issue, no matter how drunk or tired or you know, even if I'd come already, you know, it was so it was always a safe bet. If I did jerk off, I'd be fine. So, you know, occasionally.

Yeah, I never really never really thought about it. And all those times where like it was one of those times where like I would hook up with someone, I would come really fast. I'd be like, it was it was kind of exciting. You got like, oh, shit. OK. And I was young enough that like multiple rounds were like, yeah, give me give me give me a cold glass of water in 10 minutes and I'm back in the fight. Also, again, take them to come town. Yeah. All right ready?

Yep, so this was a like a story that's kind of being being picked up by like the not necessarily like the Manosphere, but like a lot of people are Really getting into it because it apparently is like, you know, oh, woe is me. Like, you know, so there's a guy who essentially swiped right on Tinder 2 million times, right? He tracked all the swipes. He tracked his, uh, like matches, his chats and his dates. So he went from 2 million swipes, uh, 38,000 left swipes. The rest were right swipes, 38,000 left swipes. The rest were right swipes. To 2,053 matches, to 100, sorry, 1,269 chats, only one date.

So his whole thing is like, it's unfair for men out here, like blah, blah, blah, right? Which again, it's not like dating apps work for men, as in they're not there. They're working for themselves. You know what I mean? I'm not to say it cannot work in your favor or you cannot get something out of it,

but they are designed to fuck you over to make money. Yeah, the average male experience for dating apps is to goad them into paying for it. That is the purpose for apps now. This is a 26 year old man though, because I'm gonna just delve into his profile and see if there aren't other factors of play here. Sure. Right? 26 year old man, though, because I'm going to just delve into his profile and see if there aren't other factors of play here. Sure.

Right. 26 year old man. First picture is him in a ball cap, you know, with a lake in the background. If I'm not home, you can find me at the lake is his prompt. Okay. If you're not trying to go fishing, I don't want to. My idea of a vacation is going to the desert. I'm looking for snakes for a week.

I may or may not currently on 33 snakes. That's a picture of him, the big old fish. I was going to say, is he covered in snakes? And then another picture of him with a big old fish. So it's like, are you, are you putting yourself, are you setting yourself up for success here, sir? Because you've abused everyone of the notion of dating you if they don't want to just fish. And also all you want to do is look for snakes.

And go to the desert and look for snakes. Like not typically normal things. So it's like you can't turn around and be like, can you believe these fucking women? Also, I'm sorry, but look, I love stats. I love numbers. I love a good spreadsheet as much as anyone else does. Look at my fucking Pathfinder characters, and you know, that's true.

But anyone willing to put in the effort to track the data of two million swipes is coming with a certain amount of stink and a certain amount of bitterness. They're looking to prove a point, right? This guy didn't start this endeavor thinking he was going to be a success story. Yeah. He didn't just randomly remember how many swipes he did and then be like, oh, well, I'm up at 700,000 and yet no dates. Let's keep counting. And if you're doing this, you're doing it to prove a point. And I presume it's not, I am God's gift to women and I can make Tinder work in my favor and I'm going to be drowning in dates. I think it's going to be, look how miserable it is.

Women are doing this to us. It's hard to be a man. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. Also literally half his pictures were fucking fish pictures, which is, I mean, look, like just without talking about the profile, but yes, you're right. You have taken the most meat, the most common thing that people complain about. And surely in 2 million fucking swipes, you must've realized like just alone.

I could probably go on a dating app right now. And within the, the, you know, eight seconds we have left in this or eight minutes left in this episode, I could find multiple profiles asking you, begging you not to have a fish in your fucking picture. So the fact that you went through 2 million and you thought, no, no, I will ignore the pleas of the, these women that I'm trying to court and double down on the fact that the only information you know about me is that I love these scaly guys Yeah, I have an inappropriate amount of snakes and I know woman wants to go to a strange dude's house

That's filled with snakes Maybe it's literally a horror movie. There's there's always there's a freak out there. I'm sure we've got a sexy little snake girl out there. Scaly Sinead is out there and she's ready. Wants to wriggle around in the sand with you looking for snakes in the desert. I'm sure there is. But this ain't the way to find it. No. You can do better. I would love to know, is this the same profile he's kept?

Or has it gone through stages? And is this what you ended up with? Because if so, you've done a terrible job. Is this the Omega version? Is this what you ended up with? Because if so you've done a terrible job. Is this the Omega version? Is this what we ended on after years of distillating? Yeah, we've two million swipes. I have distilled what women want and it's Lakeman and Desert Foundation.

Lakeman and Snakeman. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you, man. You would you read this profile? I would give it one out of two million. That's very good. Actually, I want to know where the first date was to the only date that he got a snake bit. Ie his gaff.

Yeah. All right. Thank you for coming along friends family foes even if you're here. We appreciate the support If you want to support us go on patreon there's gonna be a lot of fun stuff there a lot of hidden episodes a lot of exclusive Things including deep dives into various aspects of dating including movie reviews including a lot of just pillow talk episodes Which are I'm pretty sure an online dating deep dive so if you yes if you are in sweeps swipes in sweeps sweeps if you are snake man Lake man come by please I'll give you that episode for free we should we should we should send them it actually yeah where'd you find that is

that a red thing all the other thing it was on Instagram hmm all these like meme accounts are like look women They're terrible and it's like Yes, the villain in this story is women you yeah, yeah figured it out go to my snake infested humble I'm snakeman Lakeman We love you. So go support us on patreon, please go listen to us every week Send us to your friends send it to your one on hinge buddy. It was way too many snakes.

And we love you. You're ready for some bad sex writing? I guess. Thanks, Josh. Eagle and the Havocis for songs, paper stars, in case I didn't say that already. This is from I became the Duke servant in disguise by maybe her chest wasn't particularly large, but it wasn't small either. And it seemed to perk up as if in protest. She had grown up well fed and if she had grown up well fed and comfortable, her chest might have been even larger than is

now in the way it was fortunate. Even now it felt suffocating. If it were any bigger than the size, just the thought of it made her shutter. So oh, this is a woman thinking about her own. Of course. Yeah, obviously. I mean, I had, hey, look, I had that Mel Gibson power for a while in the sense of I should probably clarify that quickly.

Jesus. Well, that's where I can be the show guy where I could hear what women were thinking. And it was just always them staring at their own boobs being like, it's not big, it's not small. But if it was any bigger, who terrified. Yeah, my partner every day staring in the mirror.

Yeah, just what they do. That is what dump snake man, I guess. My name is Dave Miller and I'm now Spain. We've been your fuckbugs. you