F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 36 - Virginity Tight Five

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Oh boy.  This week Dain is deep in that cold medication high and Niall is still recovering from being blasted, Baja-style.  We kind of blew up over night on Facebook and got flooded with messages by a certain kind of people looking for a certain kind of sexual service that we, in fact, do not provide.  Topics include Facebook Message dramatic readings, how to undate someone, small-scale PDA consent, the threesome test, "She's All That"ing yourself, high sex drive insecurities and your virginity comedy set.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I am now Spain And what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?

What is going on? We've become very popular. Overnight sensation, I think. Yeah, we've gotten about five messages yesterday. All from people who I very much assume aren't listeners. However, if you are one of those boys who has now become a listener, good. Thank you. And we hope you've stopped because we've been getting some real strange messages, people.

Yep. No porn, thankfully. Thankfully. But, like, I don't really believe that's going to hold out much longer. So we're going to do something to start us off. We're going to do a dramatic reading of maybe one or two of these. And you'll know what kind of shit we're dealing with. Is there any female fuck buddies here?

For free? This is a page for a podcast, buddy. But don't fret. The episodes are free. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Link to our podcast. Good man.

No thanks. Can you point me in the direction of a female fuck buddy? Liz. Good try, but no. Still just a podcast. I will say, I do commend his... Tenacity? Well...

Persistence? His politeness. Desperation? His desperation is commendable, but the politeness, for sure. Let's go for another one. This time, I'll be your boy. Hi! And I'm assuming that's how it is, because it's a high sticker above a jumping chick.

And I mean, like, the yellow bird. Hello. Hi! I need a buddy to... Hi? I'm sorry, maybe booty? Because it's buddy spelt wrong. I need a booty to...

Hi? Hey man, what's up? We're a sex and dating advice podcast. Got a question? I want sex. Listen to our podcast and you'll get there. I'm gonna link to our podcast. Scene at 3am and no reply.

So I think that was a disappointment. I'm not even gonna read our answer to this one but Eddie fuck buddy for me! We also informed him that we are a podcast and then you know our good bud a while ago who asked if we can hack into other people's messages it took him

what like six seven months to reply and he just sent us a thumbs up and said what's this fuck buddies podcast so i don't know maybe we're converting him yeah or we've just like given him a link to he's figured out how to hack messages yeah that's all he needed and now we're fucked yeah it took him seven months of training um but yeah so apparently we i don't know what happened i don't know how these people are finding us also did you get this thing it's king bounce yeah it's a sticker and it won't show up yeah i don't know i'm probably glad that so he probably deleted it yeah wow um but yeah

like i don't know where it came from but i also don't understand why people have such a hard time that like we are in fact a podcast yeah i'm like we're getting a shit ton of likes from people all over the world so like i don't know how they're coming across. Are they literally just typing in fuck buddies into Facebook and being like, this will do? Hold on. I know that was important. But I think the real, real important thing was, please tell me how much you enjoyed the Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Oh, yeah.

So, it's been a long day. And I had the option of going home, at which point I think I would sit down and not be able to get back up. Or I'd come to Dane's, sit down in his closet, and sorry, bud, but I'm not going anywhere. That's okay.

You might need to feed me. That's fine. But yeah, I went and I got some KFC and you know what? One, that was a great call because it tasted like, tasted like it was magical. The chicken seemed like it had both, one, already been eaten, but two, been left out to get stale and hard.

Like it was a weird combination. You think if something had already been eaten, it'd be gooey or mushy. But no, it was rock hard. Nice combination of the both. But while I'm in there, it's one of these secret like taco bell kfcs right the thing is i'm in the kfc side all right and there's all these posters and the posters are like hey it's finally fucking here mountain dew baja blast yes these are everywhere they're on like the mats in front of the fucking cash register employees had to get them tattooed on their face basically like

they're one step away and it's like like, finally here, finally available in Canada. Like, oh my God, Mountain Dew, Baja Blast, blah, blah, blah, only available at Taco Bell. And you know what? Your boy's sneaky. So despite, you know, patronizing the KFC side, he still got himself some Baja Blast. And you know what? My taste buds are so keen that I think I can actually replicate Baja Blast at home. And I can tell our audience how to do it. Please do. Firstly, I'll describe it. It is a poisonous blue color.

Like just... Like antifreeze blue? Oh, yeah. 100%. It might actually just have been that. But get regular Mountain Dew because you don't want to step away from the original formula. It's such a classic hit. You got to do that.

So pour half out. All right. You have 50% left. Pour in, to replace 40% of that, just water. All right. Water that down nice and good. And the remaining 10%, nothing but salt. And mix it all in.

Make it just danger blue. And the remaining 10%, nothing but salt. And mix it all in. Make it just Danger Blue. And you got it. You got Baja Blast. It was awful. So bad. It just tastes like salt water with like a hint of Mountain Dew.

So salty. It was awful. I don't want... Damn it, I was going to say something. I don't remember what it was now. Did you get Baja Blasted? I think so. I don't want... Damn it, I was going to say something. I don't remember what it was now. Did you get Baja blasted? I think so. I'm fucked on cold medication right now, so...

Yeah, Dane has done so many things since I've gotten here ten minutes ago that literally makes me worried about... Like, you know the way you're not meant to operate heavy machinery? I don't trust him with this microphone. I'm also pretty sure I'm not supposed to be drinking right now either. Well, if he does, it's going to be me. To be fair, if I could surprise Chicago where I had like an entire pack of cold medication and then an entire city worth of booze. But you also had the jazz and blues to buoy you through.

We don't have any music. I'm really upset. I feel like that joke is really good. We could listen to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities maybe. Might do it. Yeah. They have a song called Paper Stars.

It's real good. It is really good. No, I put my trust in him and he puts his trust in our love. Should we do the damn thing? The Dan thing already?

Yeah, I guess we should end this. All we've talked about is Mountain Dew and internet pervs. Yep. Yeah, I'm going to start first. Okay.

If that's cool. Yep. We have a user submitted question that'm going to start first. Okay. If that's cool. Yep. We have a user submitted question that I forgot to read last week. Oh, that's true. I got to do it before I forget again. So this is Agent Ocelot. How do you undate someone? So I'm going to start off with a user submitted question because I forgot to do it last week.

And if I don't do it first off, I'll forget again. So this is from Agent Freedom Eagle. Again, 90% sure sure i don't know i need to write these down but i don't want to have like a a list of people's secret questions what somebody fucking just hacks our messages yeah like our boy that's the thing we're fucking canadian fbi gets in on us yeah or what's his name who's been training for seven months in siberia oh yeah to hack our messages yeah yeah he's got the missing piece he's got our stitcher profile um anyway so she asks how do you undate someone capoeira yeah you know what that's what you should do actually yeah we don't even need

to go further use our capoeira time powers go back and get out of the situation you got in and the situation was she's been seeing a guy pretty seriously for a while and non-exclusively however one day they had gone out drinking woke up still drunk the next day and he kind of like pushed the more exclusive now thing wasn't really so much a question as uh being told and she well little tipsy kind of just went along with it and afterwards was like i don't know if i want to be in this situation yet again not like they want to break up or anything which is unfortunately an easier situation yeah um but she wants to take it back to non-exclusivity even though they're still really close she wants to continue gotcha um i think she felt a little trapped in the moment and also was tipsy and

sleepy and just kind of went with it and then afterwards like i probably shouldn't have but it's too late yeah um i think it's i think it's gonna be that really shitty conversation of just being like hey we didn't really have this discussion properly um and like i'm sorry but like i want to keep us where we are and like i want to keep uh being non-exclusive and if that's an issue maybe they have to part ways like yeah unfortunately uh because you've taken that step willingly or not yeah um i don't know if it's going to be easy to take that step back and go back to what you had because the thing is sort of that it's never easy regardless of like what preconceived sort of like structure relationship

habit it's never easy to hear that like someone prefers the company of many as opposed to your the thing is i don't even think she's actually hooking up with anybody else i think it's just like uh and i think this is one a reason why she wants to do it and two a good thing to say is just that like relationships are very important to her like that you know if she's going to be exclusive with somebody it it is serious like it's really like i'm actually i'm pretty much the same way it's like when i you know i't do it lightly. It's like if I'm going to like be exclusive and you'd be my like official girlfriend and whatever, like I mean it, I mean it a hundred percent and I'm not going to do that if there's any doubt or whatever, if it's too soon or, you know, like, cause for me it is, it is

a big commitment. Um, so I think that's a good thing to point out is like, it's not that you want to see other people. It's not that you don't like the person. It's just that you take relationships very seriously. And that as a result, like you just don't think that you're quite there yet. And like, I do think in a situation like this, you do need to be sure to stress because feelings can get real hurt you know yeah it might seem like you don't like them or you don't ever want to date them or whatever because i feel like your mind's going to automatically jump there and you got to reassure them and then like be honest and let them know where you're coming from and if you're not seeing other people you may as well mention that too although you don't want to give the impression that you're also saying you won't see other people yeah because then when you're allowed to see other people,

if you do, they're still going to take that as cheating. Yeah, and even like also maybe figure like take a second to do some self-reflection and think like, is there a reason you don't want to? Like it might not just be like you're not quite ready yet, but it's like if you have no real intention to or desire to really like get into an exclusive relationship with this guy it might be worth not pussyfooting around and being like you know maybe what you know i mean

because that's kind of manipulative like if you literally just did it for the sex and and waiting for something quote-unquote better to come along it might be worth just sort of like cutting ties for his sake yeah or if things are good and you don't want to see other people what like what is still missing you know what i mean like is it just here well if you don't want to see other people but you don't want to date this guy exclusively then that probably means you don't really want to be with him or it seems like he's just like a placeholder until you come across something like quote unquote better which is like scared yeah or like there's something you haven't really admitted yourself like maybe you do want to and there's just something holding you back or like you're saying

maybe you don't want to and you don't want to have nobody you know what i mean like they're they're your for now um so i do think like reflection on why it is you're hesitant about taking that next step is you know yeah and whatever whatever it is like don't feel don't feel that obligation which like i've talked about it before where like like my last relationship was like that where i got into it because i felt obligated to oh yeah don't don't do that and it's like it's it sounds like it's it's shittier to sort of like call it quits now than it is to have a relationship you're not invested in drag on for a couple months a couple years or whatever however long it is just to be like yeah you say it's shittier to do it now than to let the drag on because i'm pretty sure

you meant the opposite well no i mean like it's shittier to like have that conversation to being like oh i don't like maybe we don't belong together to do it now than it is to do it like two years later it was better for you because then you're you don't know no i mean like it's oh i see what you're saying yes what i meant was like it's yeah these cold these cold meds are yes what i meant to say was it might be shitty to do it now but but it's worse it's it's worse to like i think wait and and like yeah you're you're doing these review a service there yeah because like you've literally just wasted both your times like if you're not invested in the relationship you're not getting anything out of it and you've just wasted this guy's time because you felt bad for him or like like, guilty for not dating him.

And it's like, cool. Well, like, that could have been two years he could have met someone who was actually invested in him and wanted to date him exclusively. And, again, not to make you seem like a bad person or anything, but, like, it's something that everyone deals with. Yeah. And, again, that's not even necessarily the case. It's just a possible case. Yeah, exactly. the case it's just a possible case yeah exactly um so yeah i would review it how you feel about the whole situation and sort of like try to determine why you don't want to date this guy

exclusively and like you can also mention that like you were still drunk and sleepy and like you know you can be like hey i just want like i know we talked about some pretty important stuff the other morning but i want to kind of clarify them because I wasn't really sober and awake enough really to, you know. Even just reopening, being like, hey, can we have that conversation again? Yeah. Decide why I'm, like, conscious and sober? Yeah, yeah. Like, there's no harm in being like, I didn't, like, I wasn't fully, like, you know.

Yeah, we need to revisit that conversation. And I don't think that's an unfair thing to ask. And you can, again, let them know it's important, right? Be like, the reason why I want to talk about it again and make sure we both know where we're standing is because this is important to me. Yeah. You know? Can I have some of those cold meds? It's just wrecked.

That's good. Tart. This comes from Reddit user. Does it? Hi, Lou. Should I from Reddit user HiLoo. Should I have asked for consent? Yes. Next question.

See, that's what I thought too. And you always trick me with these. You always give me those. Should you ask for consent when you give a goodbye kiss on the cheek? This is seven months into our relationship, and it's also important to mention this was the first time I did something like this. We were at a subway station in Brooklyn when she pushed me back and yelled at me after I leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek. It turned into a scene and people were staring at me.

I tried to explain to her it's a sign of affection, and my family does it all the time, and it's a big part of my culture, without trying to argue with her. She didn't say anything, got onto the train, and left. For good, I hope. Why would she possibly be upset? You know what? Hmm. I want more details. I know.

So I got a few more. In the comment section he said this wasn't their first kiss. It was literally just the first time he tried to give her a kiss goodbye in public. Yeah. So I'm assuming it was a PDA thing. Yeah. Like that she thought he was being possessive or whatever. And like, I'd also like to know who was around, like whether she thought he was trying to

like mark his territory because Jeff, their friend is waiting on the other platform or, you know, maybe she's fucking Jeff. She didn't want him to know. I don't know. But I also feel like a kiss on the cheek is not the most aggressive way to do that. Yeah, I don't think that's what he was doing. Or maybe these are all just, like, the most lovely people, and that's as much as he goes. I also don't know how old they are.

I'm going to assume they're seven. If they're super, super young, I kind of get it. No, a kiss on the cheek is not like seven months. Well, that's the thing. Like, that's the big factor is like you guys have been dating for seven months and you attempting to... Like, I don't ask Amanda for consent to kiss her anymore. No. You know what I mean?

And also like... And it's not because I don't respect her personal space. No, but she's also has... She's a fully grown human. She can just avert her face or say no or anything. Like, you know. Yeah. And, like, again, I don't want to sound like being in a relationship automatically means you don't ask for consent or don't need consent or consent doesn't matter.

No, I think we can let that go without saying. Yeah, it's like... But it's also like I could kiss, like, you on the cheek and that wouldn't be weird yeah like i you know like people do it all the time um it i do like again coming back to some of our other questions previously it's like i do appreciate this guy being like yo was i in the wrong here yeah no that's because he wasn't at no point in time did he he like try to turn this on her yeah it's not like my girlfriend's crazy sounds adult um he he very much was just like hey man was did i do something wrong yeah yeah um which i think is a really good healthy place for people who are kind of learning the ropes i'm glad like to approach from yeah i

think he also said that like he wasn't trying to argue with her too because like again if she felt that he crossed a line she's welcome to be that way. And, like, he doesn't really have the authority to be like, I didn't. Yeah. Regardless of, like, how, like, I think we've had this conversation before. Regardless of how sort of, like, absurd these imagined boundaries are. See, I feel like in a situation like this there's probably context and if she's so angry at him it's probably because at some point she was like hey i'm really not comfortable with pda

or like yeah i have this thing and he probably thought that didn't count but she probably didn't know what he was doing and to her it was a perceived slight against what they'd already discussed like an infraction yeah Yeah. And I get it. Like, if you were like, hey, like, I'm really not comfortable PDA, and then somebody all of a sudden just, like, starts ignoring that, that is really, it's the, like, opposite to before when we're saying, like, it's seven months, they should be able to kiss. It's like, if you've known them for seven months, and that's always kind of been the rule.

Yeah. Then all of a sudden you breaking it, it makes it worse because you've been together seven months, you know? And it could also be like a religious or cultural difference. Like if this guy's Italian or, you know what I mean? Like that European culture where like everyone gets a kiss on the fucking cheek and they're from a more reserved culture or religion. Yeah. It might just be one of those things where like from her culture or religious standpoint is you just, we're in public.

Yeah. Now is not the time or it could be could be a thing like especially if they're younger like maybe her parents don't know she's dating maybe her parents don't want her dating maybe and she's very religious or maybe they're very shitty someone might see exactly and it gets back to them so there's again it's our fucking answer to everything come on yeah you you just gotta be like hey i'm really sorry if i crossed any boundaries i did not mean to yeah can we talk about it also if you don't want me to do that i won't do it again yeah at least now like it's one of those times where you can

clarify and hopefully know for the future but you do really need to like let them know where you're coming from and then listen to where they're coming from and in the middle and you know hash it out um yeah and like without further con like con and content context both both really are you getting the contact high off me right now i don't know i think i am what'd you put in my whiskey it's just pseudofed yeah boy i'm just cracking open i was wondering why the gel caps it took me fucking ages. Yeah, that fucking hundreds of dollars. That ice cube is just dusty

like white square. Yeah. That's really slow And the whiskey is bright orange. Yeah. Oh my god. Is this Baja Blast? It's my own personal Baja Blast.

Where does I think it was you. We're all hungry. Yeah, there's a KFC coming back up. Jesus. You're going to put the Baja Blast in my toilet after this. You're going to put the Baja Blast you. Oh, I'm real hungry. Yeah, it was the KFC coming back up. Yeah, Jesus. You're going to put the Baja Blast in my toilet after this. You're going to put the Baja Blast, you.

All right, go. Okay, this is from user Meredith45. My 25-year-old male girlfriend, 29, suggested having a female-female-male threesome. I was skeptical at first and politely turned it down, but gave in when she kept on talking about how awesome it would be. Now she's giving me a hard time because I accepted the idea and didn't deny strongly enough. Am I being manipulated? Hello all, a few days ago, my girlfriend suggested we should have a threesome with another girl.

Knowing her, I disagreed at first. She kept on insisting and I gave in to the idea. I cherished the idea and we started talking about how we were going to get this done. A few hours later she blocked me on messaging and was not responding to my calls. When I finally reached her she was crying. She seemed broken. She told me that I didn't deny her strongly enough. She told me that if I had ever insisted on having a threesome with another guy she would have denied it. She was mad and we broke up because I didn't deny it strongly enough. Basically I feel as if she set up a trap and is now giving me a hard time for it.

I feel like I'm being manipulated. Dear Reddit, please help me out. Thanks. You know what that was? That was you running away from her as fast as a bullet? That or that was this guy dodging that bullet. Oh, yeah. yeah yeah like unless okay the only thing because okay you go and i'll tell you my caveat okay um it it's one of those things where like

if no like you you have a responsibility to be honest and direct with your partner. And if you come up with an idea and you propose it simply to, like, gauge their reaction. Yeah. That is manipulative. Oh, yeah, that's so fucked. That's so fucked. To a T. To the point where, like.

But it's even worse when you do it and they give you the expected response. And then you're like, not good enough. So you press them until they change their mind. Yeah. And then you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, you were meant to deny me. And you did, but not strong enough. Yeah.

You know, I asked you 17 times. On the 17th, you gave in. That's only 16 out of 17. You fucking suck. Yeah. Like. Anyone who does that get the fuck out yeah matrix neo just go yeah just get out like you you've not lost anything here you've gained a lot including

possibly your skin because she was like eight years away from just keeping it, just taking it. However. Okay. One thing really bothers me. Uh-huh. And it's his use of the word cherished. He says, I cherished the idea. So you think it was like, no, no, i couldn't oh come on maybe we should okay yeah

that's the thing it sounds like he was like no no no she's like no it could be cool and he was like and he just pulled out his folder of all the girls he had lined up for the last eight years yeah yeah he's like he unfolded my threesome bible yeah or he just like i i it because that's a really weird word it's a weird word he also used there was another word that was kind of strange and she seemed broken yeah i think it might be a vocabulary thing maybe a second language yeah if that's that's one thing if it's a second language that's cool or she was literally broken because he cherished the idea so hard. That's the thing. Maybe he's being 100% honest.

Like, he got way too into it and broke her. But here's the thing. He also said that, like, they talked about how they were going to do it. He didn't say, I unveiled my plan on how to get it done. So it sounds like there was still... It's all about the subtext, right? So it sounds like there was still sort of a mutual... I'm just trying to find any way this isn't insane.

And it is. Like, guys, don't do this. If you trust and love your partner, like, that's cool. Also, you run the risk in these situations of, like, them being like, oh, no, i guess it's something they're really into maybe i'll make a concession and like help out because if somebody kept

badgering me after i said no i'd be like this is a them thing yeah and like also if it's nothing you're disgusted by you'd probably be like yeah whatever let's do it yeah and like i can't imagine too many guys would be like fine i, I'll have sex with two women. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, I... No! The crazy thing is... I caught it. It was beautiful. Where it was like, you know what I mean?

Fuck, what did they say? I don't remember what I was saying. This is going to be their shortest episode yet, not because we're... I'm having really good jokes that I just literally forget what the fuck I'm saying. This is going to be their shortest episode yet, not because we're... I keep having really good jokes, and then I just literally forget what the fuck I'm saying. Do you? Maybe.

We'll never know. This comes from... He's lying. User. Don't listen to a word he says. Muchimu. No, I don't trust you. I'm ugly.

He's attractive. Why does he like me? I'm so confused. I'm wondering if I'm being punked or is my body dysmorphia really this bad that i see myself so different i'm so scared because i really like this guy his personality and his everything but i feel way below his level like way below i know he can do better and i'm afraid he's only fucking with me like i'm gonna get pranked we had our first date and he was so nice kept calling me cute even called me beautiful i'm gonna get pranked we had our first date and he was so nice kept calling me

cute even called me beautiful i'm just so confused because i feel ugly and like he can do better than me but i don't know should i just let it happen and stop worrying about it was this guy you're dating in the butterfly effect ashton kut Because if not, you're probably not getting punked. Is it 2000? Is it 2002? That's what I was going to say. Is it 2002? What the hell is the name of that movie?

Now She's All That. I don't know. What? The movie where they do the bet to see if they can make the nerd girl hot. Pretty Prince Junior's in it, I think. 10 Things I Hate About You? No, that was Heath Ledger. Pretty Little Liars?

This one was, it was Richie Lee Cook, I believe. Riverdale. But also, thanks for ruining my joke. What was it? We were talking about getting punked, and I was trying to say, you're not going to, and then you just were shit. Ashton Kutcher. Yeah, you were eating real shit.

I forgot he was in Punked, or he did Punked. Ashton Kutcher. Yeah, you were eating real shit. I forgot he was in Punk'd. Wow. Or he did Punk'd. He's the Punk'd boy. He was making a real funny Punk'd joke. Because, is it 2002? Because Punk'd hasn't been around in forever. What fucking age is this person?

Also, is he Ashton Kutcher? Because, fuck. Well, I'm ready. It is She's All That. You're not getting Punk'd. Also, like, I don't know if people In real life Are actually like

So funny This person was Like honest Or seemed honest And genuine And went on a date with you And you believed him High school hot shot

Zack Siller Freddie Prinze Jr. Is the envy of his peers Yeah no I know the movie But his popularity Declines sharply When his cheerleader girlfriend

Taylor Leaves him For a sleazy reality Television star Brock Hudson Wait Which What year was this in?

This is This was a while ago 1999 What the fuck Reality TV Was around 1999 Probably Survivor And like

He's from Survivor I hope she's off Dating a Survivor What's that other one The MTV one Real World The one with the house? Was that even around then?

Let's find out. Well, back to Mountain Dubai Blast. Mouth feel wise. Salty. Salty and light. Not in a good way. Feels like you're drinking water and salt. Holy shit.

Guess when the Real World had their first episode. 2000. No. 85. What's the difference 95 uh nope 1992 so there you go that's when uh that's again that's where he's from that's great um so back to my really funny punk joke yep Yep. You're not. Also, in real life, I don't think anyone does that to anybody. And, like, even if you're in high school. But even if you are, you gotta own up to it. You gotta fucking, like, the thing is, you gotta go as far as you can. Alright?

Kiss this boy. See that dick. You gotta do at least one of those two things, right? Because, if afterwards they're like hey oh my god it was all a joke you're just like yeah karen i've kissed in all of you and maybe she has but everyone else mocking you like yeah i've kissed him have you not oh house boy in school bop bop bop and be like i've seen that dick and you've got leverage because you can say whatever you want about it yeah unless he's got a secret camera in his room a la American Pie another hit 90s teen comedy then you take him

to jail yeah I guess you could do that couldn't you either way you win girl see that dick I mean knowing how the justice system works nothing would probably happen in this guy you get a scholarship to Yale um yeah no that's fucked uh just kill him so I don't know if you guys can hear it but one of Dane's neighbors is just blaring thin Lizzie which i personally appreciate but if this sounds like there's somebody dragging balls across the mic it's not actually balls i feel like we haven't said addressed this fucking question at all but because i keep getting distracted but we've taught a lot of people about the real world and or ashton kutcher okay so to answer this question again if it sounds like shit i'm sorry but there's nothing we could do we're in a goddamn closet

yeah i will say this person definitely is being too hard on themselves yeah yeah there's no world in which this being hard on yourself is actually helpful to your cause so regardless of whether or not it's true which like fuck it like it doesn't if it is true does it matter because this person clearly finds you attractive if they are punking you or whatever like fuck it it doesn't matter like it they can be assholes all they want um you you have two options you go along with it or you don't if you don't it's fucked regardless if you do and they turn out to be assholes then one you know and yeah it's probably gonna suck but like fuck it like if someone wants to really be that shit just let them you you know like finding people attractive attractiveness is

subjective so like yeah you probably have a shit ton of body dysmorphia issues and you probably have a bunch of self uh self-confidence issues is their age listed uh there isn't no okay because if you're in high school we all thought we were fucking disgusting yeah and like i mean even if you have high confidence there are still days where you can look in the mirror and be like or like sit a certain way be like oh what's that doing or even like people like you're next to you're like shit like maybe someone's interested you're like god they're so confident they're so nice i'm neither of those things like i mean there are still times when i'm at shows with amanda and like she's surrounded by all these very attractive burlesque dudes and i'm just like what am i doing here i'm really sad because you

were about to say burlesque boys and then you said dudes um but it's yeah i was gonna say boys but it's a i should have said boylesque because it's like the official name for them really yep okay why because it's it's boys doing burlesque okay boylesque i don't know or maybe that's just the name of the toronto company or have you been hanging out with people from like boston yo you because it's it's boys doing burlesque okay boy lesque i don't know or maybe that's just the name of the toronto company or have you been hanging out with people from like boston yo you do boy lesque your boy less dancer wait john that's the best boston accent i've ever heard in my fucking life yeah um yeah not like everybody has this feeling all the time and like i think it sometimes gets exacerbated when you meet someone who's great because then you feel like you don't compare

but the thing is like being self-conscious and being all up in your head about it and like overthinking it and these are all gonna fuck you more than whatever you look like yeah um because clearly they're all right with that so the only thing you gotta do is just fucking like take it as a like a pat on the back take it as like a affirmation that you probably don't have to be worried about that and enjoy the fuck out of it yeah i mean like there have been so many times where like as every guy like you worry about like size and whatever you know i mean we're like and then girls have there have been multiple times women have described my penis as perfect.

And like, I know there are people who are bigger than me, but it doesn't matter. I've slept with several people who've called my dick perfect. So like, that that's good. Like, I don't automatically turn that into a negative because that's crazy. You know what I mean? Like, to get a

compliment on something that like like nine times out of ten you're always going to be self-conscious about. Like Dan wasn't going, wait, I'm on Ashton Kutcher's new show, Penis Pranking. Yeah, sex pranked. Yeah. Yo, you just got peened.

P-E-N apostrophe D. Yeah. We should start that. Oh my God. You go home with someone and you start complimenting their penis and then Ashton Kutcher jumps out just they seem really confident and happy. He wouldn't do that. And he just starts

mocking their dick. He would never do that. Ashton Kutcher's like a good boy now. Do you want to see what happened while I just fucking looked him up? He's like stopping Oh wait, he testified for it? Nevermind. Yeah, he's literally like attacking pedophiles and shit. Yeah, but the thing is, how do you think he found out about all this the hidden camera peening them that's the thing it

started off as so punked is now like a social justice thing yeah he's literally punking or pedophiles because you're predators and pedophiles uh yeah no just just like be confident i know it's hard um and just like allow what other people see and think of you to exist. Because it doesn't really matter what you fucking think about you. This guy is a fucking escalator of self-confidence. So just get on. Just get on there. Yeah, ride him.

You literally don't have to do any work. Literally just stand on that escalator and it's going to keep going up. Ride to level two. You're never going to help your situation by being super self-conscious about it. And you're going to scare off every good person every time someone is into you and you try to convince them that they're not. Yeah. And then what's left? People who aren't nice to you and you're like, yeah, that's all I deserve.

No. Yeah. Nah. He's a good boy. Enjoy him. You don't really know what you look like either because you look in the mirror and also you're sick, yeah, that's all I deserve. No. Yeah. Nah, he's a good boy. Enjoy him. You don't really know what you look like either because you look in the mirror and also you're sick of your face. You see it every goddamn day. It's not special to you.

And again, it's subjective. Yeah. Like everybody doesn't find everybody attractive. There are people that some people don't find attractive. There are some people, like even just on nights out with you and me. Oh, yeah. There have been times where you've been like into a girl and I've been like, really? And then like vice versa. Vice versa. Where it's just like, whatever. There have been times where you've been, like, into a girl, and I've been like, really? And then, like, vice versa, you know what I mean?

Vice versa. Where it's just like, whatever. And our tastes are very different. Yeah. So, and that's fine. That's awesome. That's why it's not just, like,

everyone likes one person in the world. Yeah. You know, it's not like there's just, oh, that's, yeah, that's Hot Dave. He's the only attractive dude.

Yeah, I mean, we can all agree that there are universal attractive qualities, and most people could probably agree that, like, certain people are attractive, but again, they're awesome. But even, agree that there are universal attractive qualities and most people could probably agree that like certain people are attractive but again but even there are also there are some people i can recognize i'm like yes they are attractive but i'm not necessarily attracted to them yeah i mean it's people like megan fox exactly i can 100 say that she is very

very attractive but i'm not attracted to her no she's very boring in terms of like physical attractiveness to me i'm just not what i am attracted No. She's very boring in terms of like physical attractiveness to me. It's just not what I am attracted to. she's not spooky but you know. Oh man, if she was spookier.

Yeah. But just like you got this girl. Yeah, you got it under control. Yeah. Give yourself a hug. Where do attractive women

hang out? By user deleted with details also deleted. This is a good question question if you go around like small bodies of water around like the early morning so like four to six you can find them grazing drinking uh that's a really good place to to see them sort of like in their natural habitat yeah uh you gotta approach real real slow because they're easy to spook and yeah yeah especially at 4 a.m definitely approach them slowly yeah um you gotta like hunker down in the grass i would say probably like don't get too close they're not gonna let them let you touch them or until if they start to wade in the water

um and we all know what that is right what is it it's an old slave hymn what wait in the water no wait okay you're water children wait why in the water women are women it's going to women are too heavy to support their own bodies, so they get in the water. For sex legs, yes. Yes, thank you. That's why they hang out. They hang out next to sex legs. So just go down. The thing is, you know you got your mating dance down, I assume.

If not, we covered this in a previous episode. Ground, wiggle towards them using just the gyrations of your body like a snake um women don't like men to have arms or legs really yeah and it is a pity we do have them mostly but uh you can simulate not having them but still you just tuck your hands into your sleeves yeah into your shirts so yeah like and the thing is you you don't want your partner to think you're lazy so you gotta you gotta do at least 50 meters um regal yeah i mean we covered this all in episode 17 yeah yeah um honestly uh yeah the regal i think we only did the one question it weren't really even yeah um otherwise otherwise you can uh you could probably find them in, like, the, like, you know, waking hours. Well, the thing is you've got to go into your kitchen and count from the wall, third cabinet.

You've got to open it real quick, though. Yeah. Real quick. Yeah, they all sort of, if you've ever seen Indian in the Cupboard or read Indian in the Cupboard, it's sort of that situation. They all kind of like hang out. Again, it's all about trust with attractive women. It takes a while. It's kind of like breaking a horse.

You really got to sort of like feel the sugar cubes. Throw hammers at its spine. Not destroying a horse. You said breaking one. It's not going to work after that. That's what breaking a horse means. Wade in the water, children. Wade.

I don't think we should ever have been given a microphone. Yeah, no, this is a stupid question. Attractive women hang out, firstly, it depends what you're into. Secondly, anywhere. Yeah. I mean, it depends on the city into. Secondly, anywhere. Yeah. I mean, it depends on the city also. Some cities are just ugly. No, but like...

Yeah, come to Toronto. There are attractive women everywhere. Yeah. But no, like, just... I think what this person really wants to know is how they meet attractive women. Oh my god. Is it one of our messengers? Maybe.

It's actually more eloquent than that yeah like i feel like you gotta like join the club or like fucking go to the bar we've done this one i'm pretty sure yeah you got this it's it's also just like one of those things where it's like i don't know what you find attractive that's the thing right do you like spooky people maybe you gotta fucking go to like the nearest goth library and just like be like dane and just go to the wicked like yeah potion seminar exactly right or do you like fucking bodybuilders because guess what they're probably building that body yeah like i don't fucking know curling truck what are you into reverse question how about that podcast asking you some shit motherfucker deleted motherfucking shit bag where are are you? Where's the answer?

I'm waiting. This comes from user... Hit me up. Hit me up, bro. Hey, HMU. HMU? Where you at? I don't hear nothing. All I hear is Sting Lizzy from the next house. This comes from user BigGirl09.

Girlfriend with a crazy high sex drive. I'm 28. My new girl is 38. We have crazy good sex. I've never been with a woman who wanted to fuck as much as she does. I'm literally in guy heaven right now, but at times it seems like I don't please her enough. A few times we have some knock down drag out sex and I will come and after a few minutes she will start playing with her vibrator. I normally will get back hard and just start fucking, but sometimes I wonder if I'm pleasing her. She says that I do and that she just wants to come a few more times after I nut. It's not every time that she, uh, or that we have sex, but it has happened twice. She also watches

a lot of porn. Maybe I should learn how to adapt to a woman with an extreme sex drive, which I've done. It was actually my idea to buy a toy. Um, Is this a concern that I'm not pleasing her? Here's the thing. I took this because of the question that we got into it over with the woman who just like blasted out her clit. Yeah. The vibrator. But this is like, it seems like they've already covered their bases. He's like, hey, you good?

And she's like, yeah, no, I'm literally just fucking rubbing one out real quick. Let's be fair. If I could get a few more in there yeah i would too man if i could if after i came i could just be like ah give me two minutes and just like come a couple more times why the fuck wouldn't you um i even read further down in the comments and he was like sometimes i help her out and he bought the toy for it it's like you're good also she's like no no i'm good like you've you've done your job well done take a rest but all i have to do is hold this in a very specific place, and I'm going to come a couple more times? Yeah, yeah.

Like, good for her. And that's the thing. Like, if you want to be involved in that next step, hell yeah, get involved. If you are tired, it doesn't seem like she cares. Like, get them orgasms into you, as many as you can. Like, that's the best. Yeah. But it does seem like a positive thing.

It's cool that he's down with that. This is good. Although, would you describe her as having a really high sex drive? Because for me, that is, like, want to fuck all the time. Right? Not, like, just wants to, like, continue after you've fucked. I think it's more that, I think she probably does, I think they probably do have a lot of sex. Yeah. And his concern is that, like, despite the fact that they're having a shit ton of sex even after

it's done she still wants more yeah i think that's his concern um but it's like hey like if you're sexually satisfying her and she's and she's told you this and she's like no don't worry about it yeah and and she's literally just doing it because she can. Like, again, you're telling me, if you couldn't. Oh, man. And also, like, he literally says, I just get heart again and keep going. It's like, you're doing the same thing. That is the same damn thing. Exactly.

It's like she's doing it by herself. Enjoy the show. Enjoy the fact that your partner is having loads of orgasms. Enjoy everything. This is great. While she's doing it, go get her a glass of water. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

Get her a nice cold, like, can of Coke or a beer or a wine. Yeah. Like is great. While she's doing it, go get her a glass of water. Oh, yeah. Get her a nice cold can of Coke or a beer or a wine. Yeah, whatever. Get a snack. Get her like... Nice ham grilled cheese and a fucking can of Coke. Like imagine, you're just like, okay, you do your thing. Come out and see me when you're done. Yeah. And you've got

pancetta grilled cheese, arugula. Yeah, and you've got like a little snack for her? Yeah. Like, I'll tell you right now, even if you didn't sexually satisfy her, she's going to come again. Because literally, if it was just one of those things where it's like, I know I'm going to get off X amount of times, and then someone's going to make me a damn sandwich? Fuck yeah. That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Or whatever the hell you're making.

Make her a cup of tea, get her a can of Coke, or just, like, get involved if you want to. Or if not, just enjoy it. Yeah. Like, fuck yeah. I think you're good, and it's good that you've talked about it. Yeah. It's funny how many people don't trust their partner. Like, there's, it's so fucked how, like, self-conscious we are about sex and sexual experiences.

To the point where someone will literally tell you, and you're like, hmm, I don't know though. And you're just like, oh, but maybe they're not. And it's like, no, like, let's all just get on

the level play field of being like, I understand that male egos are very fragile when it comes to sex, but like, To be fair, everybody's fucking egos.

Yeah, no, for sure. Just fucking be honest with your partners. If you need, like, if they didn't get you off

during sex be like can you finger me yeah can you go down on me can you do whatever i need or like can you get my toy and like use it on me you know what i mean like that that might like sting the ego a little bit i feel like sometimes if you don't make them come during sex and you do like you finish with your finger your mouth or whatever you still feel like you haven't really made you know what i mean like you didn't like they didn't come during sex they just came during other stuff it doesn't fucking matter here's the thing flip that around in your own mind if you fucked and you're having a hard time and she's like i'm gonna use my mouth and she finished you off with her mouth you're not gonna like doesn't count you

you wouldn't be like that was okay oh yeah like yeah no one's no if you thing is if you successfully finish you finish yeah like it's honestly and sometimes like that sort of like alternate finish it's kind of hot too yeah sometimes it's nice to yeah change it up right um yeah no like people and i think a lot of this does stem from people don't like people don't talk about sex very much so when they do they don't, like, people don't talk about sex very much. So when they do, they don't necessarily trust what people are saying because they feel like it's almost like a rote response. Like, this is what they should say. And everything is sort of like always been around the bush.

No one's ever been like, you didn't get me off, but here's what you need to do. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or like, no one's, it's rare that I think like people are willing to be like, oh, can you finger me now? Yeah. Because they're like, oh, well, he's done. Yeah, which, but sadly, there's a lot of people who, when they're done, they're done. So even if you ask, and that's the thing, she might be used to her exes who are like, don't give a fuck.

They pump away, they're done. They roll over and, like, it's up to her to get herself off. So, like, if you have the energy and the desire to get involved get the fuck involved i'm sure you know and even ask her maybe maybe she just knows exactly what she wants which is okay like maybe she can get those extra orgasms in but she needs to be very particular oh for sure um and maybe you're not you're not in her fucking brain so whatever if that's what she needs. Also, cool. Again, would you not want those extra orgasms?

Yeah. I do. Yeah. You know? Yeah. If I could be like, Amanda, give me like 30 seconds. I'm just going to rub another quick one out right here. I highly doubt she'd be like rude.

Yeah. You know what I mean? No. Because we, unfortunately, are not multi-orgasmic creatures. I mean, I'm sure there are some guys out there. There are ways, apparently, and some people and all this shit, but, like, in general, nah. It's like a one and

sleepy times for that meat stick. Yeah, so, I don't know. It is, again, seems good, but, uh, you know, no harm. No, you guys are following the right steps. You're talking about it. Just trust your partner. This seems to be the theme of the episode is talk to your partner and trust them like listen to the people that are that are involved in this and just trust them yeah um

and if again if you feel like they're being kind to you or you know i mean like if you think that they are uh looking after you emotionally or whatever whatever, there's no harm in being like, look, I'm actually asking. Give me the, like, I want to make sure you are satisfied. So if there's something that I can do, please tell me. And if they're like, no, no, you've done your job. Be like, okay, cool. Like, because there's nothing, even if they're lying to you for whatever reason at that point, you've done your due diligence to make sure that there's nothing else you can do and i think another point of this fucking episode is like if you're saying

something be straightforward and honest because you then cannot be upset if your partner goes based on what you said like there's no they should have known it's uh if i say no i'm good do not continue to do x y or z to me and then I'm bitching to my friends that they're not doing X, Y, or Z, I'm an asshole. Yeah. Because you can't tell someone one thing and expect another thing. Yeah, this is the thing.

It's like if your partner doesn't get you off in bed and then they've offered to do something to get you off and you've been like, no, no, I'm good. You then can't complain. That's your fucking fault. You've put that nail in that coffin.

Yeah. But if you're not sure whether your partner is on the up and like with regards to what they're saying like you ask them once you get the response and then you lock them out of the eyes just look look right into their their glassy orbs you say for realsies for realsies for realsies? For realsies? And then, judging on their response, if you really aren't sure, you just go, Hundo P? I think the only response here, we're going to role play.

You ask me for realsies. Okay, well, I'm going to say, like, hey, so, look, I noticed that you just fucking, like, you Baja Blast the shit out of your clit with with that hammer the second we're done um i just want to make sure like am i am i satisfying you in in in this here uh four poster bed with nice artisanal glow-in-the-dark stars floating on the ceiling just above it replicating the universe that we kiss under every every night and that we live our lives under these watchful constellations these glowing giants in the sky that they just they shine down their every move and i just want to know like the truth between me and between

them am i doing it for for that clit hell yeah for realsies for realsies Hell yeah. For realsies. For realsies. Hundo P? One. Hundo. P.

Come here to me. Oh, you broke my headphone. Yeah, I think that if he doesn't play exactly like that, they're lying to you. Yeah, yeah, no. And then if they do lie, take back that smooch. But you can keep it. You can keep it.

No, thanks. Sorry, we're working on headphones. Okay, this comes from YoDaddyLulu. Failed miserably when I tried to penetrate my girlfriend. Both me and my girlfriend are virgins, both 18, and we're about a month of... And after about a month

of just groping and fingering, we tried to go a bit further, but even though she was wet and I was ready, no matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't go in. We laughed it off, went to sleep without any issue. But I'm worried about it. What should I do? Is it normal? Please help. Yeah, 100%. First time I tried to fuck, it just would not. Just would not go in at all, no matter what we did, no matter what we tried, despite, like, just so much wetness.

I was like, it's never going to fit. Yeah, I mean, the first time I had sex, my girlfriend at the time was not a virgin, but I was. And, like, still just couldn't make it happen. Yeah. I think it's a combination of, like, not really knowing how it goes in. Also just nerves. Yeah. Especially on her side of things. Like she probably clenched all up.

That's the thing. It's like, just because she's lubricated doesn't mean she's relaxed. Yeah, exactly. Like, um, it's the same thing. Like think of it this way. Just cause you're hard. Doesn't mean you're not nervous. Yeah, exactly.

Right. You can be hard as a fucking rock and be just like either about to blow over nothing because you're so up in your own head or never gonna come because you're so up in your own head yeah um what are some what are some tips i've got a few you gotta ease in so foreplay is your friend yeah um like don't just be like well it's sex you know and just try squeeze it in there you gotta like literally like make out undress like touch each other uh don't be afraid to make each other come because you're young that your refractory period is not going to be very long i'm assuming yeah and on top of that hers is generally non-existent so you know that's a real good way to open and ease somebody up by just fucking making

them have multiple orgasms um and even just like the the act like you're already doing sexual things so like it becomes less about you sitting there thinking like oh my god we're about to fuck and more about like oh it'll be cool also i assume condom i i don't know maybe not but like you can always get lube you can always wear a condom that has lube on it um yeah my big thing was just like saliva just you know just cover everything in lube the first time just fucking just use a whole goddamn bottle of lube and like um so my my suggestions a little more practical like not wow not theoretical shade a little more like also like positions right there's a thing it's like um a good thing to do is put a pillow underneath her

so sort of like rotate the hips a little more direct because like you're a virgin and i think you need to hear this it's lower than you think um so having having hips sort of like elevated and twisted up makes it a little easier for insertion um and it's also going to be a little less strain and pull sort of like on the upper uh sort of walls of everything because you're probably not going to have positioning the best if you can uh this is done through research again i've never had sex with a virgin so i don't know um but if But if you have a high enough surface, if you can stand and sort of like keep your hips parallel with theirs

and keep it sort of like... The old elusive fuck desk. Yeah. I tell you, I swear to God, they make desks that are either just too high or just too low. My old bed was the perfect height for me to like... How high was your fucking bed?

It was pretty high. Jesus. I had like an elevated bed plus a box spring plus a big mattress. It was perfect. I legitimately think I grew just to be able to fuck on my desk. I swear to God. I remember like trying it like ages ago and it was just not... Like it was just about there.

I had to go on my tippy toes it was terrible now it's fine weird did i grow maybe the floor sinking it's slowly going through the floor yeah just crush my neighbors one day um yeah also just like she has had sex right no they're both virgins. Oh, did he not say, I'm a virgin, she's not? Both virgins. Okay. Yeah, you could also just, like, I think it's more so going to be in her court in a lot of ways. Like, if you, you know, like, maybe she could get on top and you could be like, look, you, like, you put it in, right? Yeah.

As opposed to you, like, because she knows how things are going down there a little bit better than you do. Yeah. Especially at this juncture um so like or even like doggy like that opens things up a lot you know yeah but again for your first time for if it's both of you i would not i would not do doggy yeah um yeah because you're going to be self-conscious bearing yourself in that sense if you're a girl i would imagine and i imagine there's probably some like desire to be intimate yeah no i thought i thought you had said that she wasn't which is why i was gonna say that but like yeah and like don't be afraid to like work with different uh angles and just like get her feedback because it is her vagina you're not getting into so either she's tensed up and nervous

or she or you're just like going about the wrong way. And either way you need her input. And there's no problem with like, also it seems, it seems you guys have a decent enough relationship where you can just sort of laugh. That's what I was about to say. Laugh about it. Like just,

it's like, just keep trying until you get it. It'll happen eventually. And the less pressure, yeah. Um, once, once it becomes like a game of being like we're gonna try today hell yeah we are yeah

like you also yeah you're you're 100 right the laughter is key if you're trying to get it in and it's not going in and you're both stoically stone-faced and like it just kind of like eventually you're like okay we should you know go and do this or like you just like i gotta go home or something fuck that if you're like nope it's not working like there's you need to lighten up because that's gonna also like help everyone relax there's a there's like this preconceived notion that sex requires you to be sexy and there's nothing sexier than being confident enough to laugh when you when you knew the best sex is the one that you fucking laugh during yeah you know what i mean like and it doesn't you don't

have to be fucking telling jokes or shit you're not jerry seinfeld please oh my god deal with vaginas oh my god please write this is yeah this is how you do it so um you need to work on your routine because that's the thing you didn't mention at all which jokes you brought to the table in this scenario so either they're not good jokes or no there's there's no way you didn't bring any hey guys how's everyone doing tonight uh thank you very much let's hear it for uh stan mcgrary who uh opened up this set for me let's hear it for opening act my fingers um so uh my mouth didn't show up today i don't know what's hear it for opening act, My Fingers. So, my mouth didn't show up today.

I don't know what's up with that, but don't worry. You got me here. It's your boy Davey. I brought my penis along and we're gonna open it up with a few quick ones. Can I get a round of applause for people that have fucked before? Okay, so a few of them. A few of you. Okay, cool. Sir, have you fucked before? Who's watching?

Oh, he's a very, like, audience participation-based comic. It's not going to work. It's only him and her. He's got, like, carbo cutouts of people. Okay. Yeah, they've all got, like... Hey, so you fucked before? Cool, cool.

Tips? Please? Please, please, tips? Oh, God, please help me. Please, somebody. Please help me. Oh, my God. Oh, God. And she's just like

This is just like my first night of yuck yucks Give me your best joke right now Best sex joke, go Not a joke about sex But a joke for your sex Okay Oh god Oh he's calm

Oh god Nailed it There's vomit on my sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. I just rap all of Lose Yourself. So what was the first job? Where was the first job that Gollum got after he graduated from clown college? Gollum?

Mm-hmm. Like the one from Lord of the Rings? Yeah. I don't know. Where was his first job when he graduated from clown college? Precious Things. Andy Serkis. And that's how you

shrivel a vagina so hard that it just It's the best joke ever. It just becomes nothing. It just becomes a Barbie doll. Because Andy Serkis is the guy who played him. Yes.

And his name sounds like a circus. And clowns are in circuses. You get it, Dave? Thanks so much for listening, guys. This has been episode 35. Yeah, I realized when we were looking at our messages earlier, and I was like, oh yeah,

it's been seven months since that guy messaged us. Yeah. We're almost on a year. We're coming up very quick to a year, yeah. It's fucking weird. It's crazy. We should probably do something with this. Somebody give us money or something.

Yeah, someone pay us. We've been doing this for a while and fuck, we're poor. I just spent all my money on cold medication. I just bought beers I shouldn't have bought because they're all like $15 a pop. Nice. Meh. Do you have some sex writing and or sex science? Nah, I just thought I'd lick the I don't know, lick the mic.

Yeah, let's sex writing it up. I don't think of any sex science. Well, let's look it up. I tried to find some sex science and couldn't really find anything. I didn't want to bring like mediocre sex science, so I'm going to wait until I find a good one. Okay, well, here you go. Formicophilia is the sexual interest of small insects or worms crawling over one's body. Oh, shit, I didn't know that had a name.

Yep. Shit, the average man has 11 erections per day and 9 erections at night. I don't believe that. Or unless I'm not average. I'm below average for once in my life. I mean, mine never goes away. Yeah. Dangerous as one.

Ever. Yeah. That's weird. Ready? Yep. Are you comfortable? Oh, yeah. This is House of Earth. by Woody Guthrie.

Hell yeah. Back and forth, side to side, they moved on their bed in the hay. Back and forth, side to side, they moved their hips, their feet, their legs, their whole bodies. Their arms tied into knots like vines climbing trees and the trees moved and swayed and there was a time and a rhythm to the blend of the movement and inside the door of her womb she felt her inner organs and tissues, all her muscles and glands, felt them roll, squeeze, squeeze and roll and felt that every inch of her whole being stretched, reached, felt out, felt in, felt all around the shape of his penis. So magnified and so keen were her feelings

that her inner nerves could even feel the bumps, the ridges, the pimples, the few stray hairs along the shaft of his male rod. Wow. Could you ever make sex sound worse her organs are rolling their arms are tied like knots i love the thing that sex writing does where they repeat words yeah where as if it's like some sort of like slam poetry that's just like kind of having like squeeze squeeze oh hell yeah oh what up uh so the inside the door of her womb is that's the weirdest thing to call a vagina i've ever heard in my fucking life but the womb is an actual thing yeah oh the door of her oh what i thought it was like inside the door of her so like in her womb no no i guess that's fucked man yeah what do you have killed my boner for next,

like, because of this? As someone who's had an erection since I was 12, this is the first time I haven't had one. I'm pretty sure that this is gonna be the sole reason that I'm only gonna have 8 erections today instead of 9. That's 9 at night, 11 during the day. 8 today, then,

instead of 11. He killed 3. You fucking piece of shit. Also, there's a picture of Brie at the top of this list and it says distasteful like a slice of Brie. Brie's fucking delicious. Don't you dare compare this to fucking Brie.

The only thing I miss being lactose intolerant is fucking melted Brie. Oh yeah. Thank you very much for listening as we mentioned this is episode 35 so if you've been with us since the start we love you fucking awesome if you've just joined us we also love you also awesome um i believe actually you enjoy our podcast um give the gift of sharing us suggest uh us to your podcast listening friends um also if you haven't already uh maybe subscribe and listen to us on itunes or uh what's the word i'm looking for rate rate and review us on uh itunes clearly dane needs more medicine i've

got another dose coming up if you have a question or if you just want to reach out should i stop giving our social media out i feel like just we've done too too well it's the opposite people aren't finding the podcast via our social media. I don't think it's... You can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. Please, message us there. Anything.

Just anything that's not about sex. Just not porn or asking for free women. Or you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com if you have a question. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard Cities. I know I mentioned you already, but thank you for Paper Stars. It's a great song. It's a good song.

Also, shout out to Kim because I believe you started listening today. Nice. So maybe you're listening to last week's episode. Maybe you're listening to episode one. Either way. Also, shout out to Alex

who just started listening and is apparently going to give us a sealed question at some point in the future oh shit so dan has is he back oh he's back oh hell yeah so dan is back and the funny thing is his latest tweet i can only imagine is a title for every other tweet i imagine this is not his latest tweet this is just the log line for his page and dan says things not to say to a girl you like which is basically everything else yeah there's just nothing on that page it's just like it's wild season baby say whatever you want uh my name is pseudocris My name is Lilwhiskin.

And we are Fuckbuddies. What did you call yourself? Lilwhiskin.