F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 366 - Getting the Juices Flowing

Episode Date: October 27, 2025

Better start wearing a raincoat whenever you see me out in public because when I'm holding a hand... NOBODY IS SAFE.  Topics include how to be mysterious in the age of social media, playing dead, a damp pant situation, when to transition to casual dates. Support the show on Patreon!

I put my trust in you and when I trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. I'm now Spain and we're your fuck buddies. Sorry, hold on, I did it wrong. Hello, friends. My name is Dracula. And I'm Igor. Classic pairing of Dracula and Igor.

I help make the Frankenstein's monster, because Frankenstein's actually the doctor. And then I just turn into dust because that is Dracula's weakness. It's people actually knowing. Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. We did it. We killed the monster. You're safe.

Everyone is safe for Halloween. Can you imagine how shitty that would be a couple of days before Halloween you killed Dracula? And it's like, we wanted to have fun in a couple days. But now we're going to walk around and be like, oh, I'm not scared. Also, it's like, if you had a really cool Dracula costume, you can't go as Dracula now. No, and dead. Now you have to go covered in dust on that, the itches. Yeah, and that's tasteless.

That's really tasteless when you go as dust to represent dead Dracula. Yeah. Simply put, we're a podcast that finds sex and dating advice questions either online or sent it in by our wonderful listeners. And today we're doing things a little. Spooky. That's a ghost noise for those who haven't met a ghost. Before we get going. God.

I just, I feel like it is my responsibility as I would like to think myself as pretty socially conscious and aware. And also as a white man. Yeah. Don't do black face. Don't do yellow face. Don't do brown face.

Do we need to say this? This in the year of our Lord 2025? Yes. We do. That's fair. Because I promise you on, you know, November 1st, there's going to be an article that says, gym teacher showed up in blackface. Like, it happens every year where someone says, what do you mean?

What do you mean? This hilarious Osama bin Laden costume is, or some god-awful horrible, like, what do you mean? I can't dress up like Michael B. Jordan and sinner as a white man. Like, what do you mean? If you want to wear the same jacket he's wearing. Yeah. And that's cool. I don't know where I, like, I understand that like some people are like, you know, cultures are not

costumes. I get that. There is, I saw someone like making a big deal about like white kids shouldn't go as Moana or whatever. And I think like, I think there's a fine line where there is nuance. It's just nuance is really hard to communicate through snappy headlines and tweets and also people like to be upset about things and also people like to be dicks about things. So it's like everybody uses the fact that nuance is hard to make it bad. Like people do it on both sides. And I'm both sides. I think people will be like, oh, well, I'm doing this really fucked up costume because nuance is hard. And it's like, no.

And other people will be like, I'm going to come down on this child that's hype about Moana, even though they haven't done anything wrong because I like to be upset in the internet. Yeah. And I think there's something like exciting about the fact that people are excited about a character that doesn't necessarily look like them, right? And that's kind of the whole point of these movies and expanding our horizons. And I think as long as you, you should as like a parent should have the wherewithal to be like,

this I understand like if your kid just saw Mulan for the first time maybe don't put her in like the wedding like you know the white makeup and like the traditional like Chinese like wedding attire thing that like she wears at the beginning I think when she's being match made it's also if that's what they want then like they miss the point that's the worst part of the movie so your kid's stupid um so it's like maybe explain be like oh hey that you know that's a that's a cultural thing that we don't have any sort of like claim on so we're not going to do that but if you want to go was badass, like, training Moulon. That's fine, because that's not a, that's not a cultural thing.

That's a whatever. Um, and I think there's, there's nuance to it, but I think we should be excited about when. Yeah, I do think like, I don't know, there's a like, K-pop demon hunters came out recently. And a lot of the, like, demon iconography is taken from like classic, like, Korean myth. And a lot of people were like popping off being like, don't dress as them. Don't do this. But then a lot of people in Korea were like, hey, we're super. cool this like what do you like there was this whole pushback of people being like no we like this

movie was super great for like k-pop as a whole and like all these things and they were like don't listen to these random white people getting upset about shit you know not that obviously i can speak for all the random white people and or korea but again new ones right where it's like sometimes if you're doing something in a way that's like celebrating a thing anyway i don't know it's a mire it is yes and if someone like tells you something is offensive you don't really get, like, just sort of apologize and move on gracefully. Like, even if you don't agree with them. Yeah.

If someone takes offense to, so I think, like, your Halloween costumes going, like, I think I'm just going to revert back to my statement of don't paint your face a color to represent a person. Just don't do it. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, we know now. It's 2025.

We know. Yeah. I went as Cisco, singer of the thong song for Halloween one year. I didn't feel necessary to paint. my skin color or anything, I think my silver hair and my hand-drawn tattoos were more than enough to infer who I was. Yes, 100%. Now, Dane, do you have your questions for this week?

I do. Because this week we're going to talk about how to be mysterious in an age with social media. My fiancé asked me to play dead. We're finally doing it. Oh, sorry. I totally get you off. Should we say, should they say it was pee or come? Uh, and then, I want to do this on a date.

Is it too casual? That's my palate cleanser. Okay, amazing. How to keep yourself mysterious when your info was public? Most girls will look you up online before a date. There's a bunch of public outlets that featured some cool things I did slash achievement slash career. It's not my own social media account or me posting these things.

How do you keep yourself mysterious when all of it is the first result on the Google search of your name? Now, okay, my dude, I understand you want a little bit of mystery to your life. That's fine. But if your mystery is what you do for a living or what's city you live in or where you went to school. If that's the mystery, the unspoken lore that you're bringing, you're fucking milk. You're nothing. You have no, I'll talk about milk like that. You have no spice. If that is, if that blows up your whole spot, if your whole mystique and aura

is dissipated because someone knows very easy Google facts about you, then you got a much bigger problem. I just love this because like it appears to be that if this person wasn't featured in these other places because they're so cool that other people are posting about them, I would love to know what they would choose to share because it sounds like they would consciously be like, I don't know, what do you think this is? Yeah. Did a thing. It's, you need me to find out. Right. Yeah. And it's like I feel like if this is, if this is noteworthy or newsworthy enough to be posted by other people, it's probably something cool that you'd want to share anyway. That's the thing. Like if if it's worth being mysterious about and they've seen this like surely instead of complaining

like damn i'm not like i can't show up in my cloak anymore you know i can't linger in the corner in the shadows with my hat brim down and pop it up like i'm fucking strider and she's a hobbit and the small prancing pony in like if that's kind of like your vibe i'm not a lord the rings nerd and i knew all of those like i knew the name of the bar i knew like i almost said the small pony in like a fucking idiot but i recovered by saying the small prancing pony in because it's quite small it was built for both halflings and humans because they both live there just so you know yes but like instead of being upset about that why can't you just be like oh when she looks me up she finds cool things which is good for me because then maybe she'll want to meet me

because she can like oh cool like why do i know the bar is in brie it's in brie right it is in brie you're big fucking nerd dain it's just in my bones now it is what was the name uh froto used in brie as his identity oh i don't know that are you fucking idiot yeah Mr. Underhill. Fuck, I did know that. Dane's going to have an existential hobbit crisis for the rest of this. It's a, yeah. I pride myself of being a nerd, but like I've just never gotten into any of the big thing.

Like I'm not a big Star Wars nerd. I'm not a big Star Trek nerd. Not a big Doctor Who. Like, I don't know. Yeah, this guy, you're like, there's, there's mystery. And then there's information, right? And I think if you, if you are trying to be mysterious, I can almost guarantee you're doing it wrong.

This should be something that's like innate, right? Like there should be. When people say like, oh, I like a mysterious. I like mystery. I like that. It's when it's a level of like things to be discovered and not to be withheld. Yes. Right.

Like that that is the thing, right? Like mystery is great. It's like when you're having a conversation and then all of a sudden you find out that, oh, she fucking climbed Mount Everest or she not. Sorry. That's not cool. Have you seen Mount Everest? Everis lately?

No. Really? You haven't seen all these fucking videos that are always getting posted and it's just like there's like

lineups and traffic jams and you stand there for hours because it's just person person person person person like it's it's become so much not a thing anymore We're like just anyone can do it It's not like an impressive thing Yeah but like all the hard work is done by like The people who are getting paid fuck all to bring you up the mountain

But they've done it so well And they're still not getting rewarded appropriately for it But then all these fucking people who are like like, oh my God, I'm a mountaineer are just lined up the entire way up the mountain. And it's like, it's awful. Anyway, continue. Maybe she went to fucking Rio and helped build. So, like, that's, that's what we talk about when we talk about mystery.

Mystery is like getting, having enough breadth and experience and depth as a human being to have things discovered naturally and organically through conversation and getting to know someone. That's the mystery. That's what people are talking about. what people aren't talking about is hiding every facet of your personality and your life and your achievements behind an imaginary wall and not doing your best to make sure-truthing them. Or trying to make sure that no one ever knows about it. Day one, they can only find out one of my secrets where I work.

You're like, oh, cool. Like, so you worked there. Did you ever, like, win an award? Can't tell you till day two. Do-do-o-to-o smoke bomb out. Yeah. If your secrets, if your depth can be revealed by looking at your resume, it's not depth. Yes.

That is, those are just really mundane facts. It's like you're a secret agent and like the FBI are the only ones that have your actual like was black ops in Guatemala. Like anywhere else it's retracted. And that's pretty fucking mysterious. Naday, have you ever? Yeah. Have you ever done anything to be mysterious? Have you ever made a concerted effort to provoke mystery?

Yeah. I mean, there was. there was that sort of like beginning of school year and you really wanted to like have changed and so like you come you come into school this year and you're like mysterious hat quiet right you try not to be like the bubbly outgoing extrovert and then all of a sudden it's like you know you're just you're just kind of like hanging out listen to your music your headphones on in the corner and like not talking maybe you've changed your wardrobe a little bit i've done that when i was a kid as an adult i don't think i've ever given a shit enough to to do that yeah i think like

as an adult, the only time, like, mysteriousness has, like, kind of come into it is, like, when you are, as you were saying earlier, is, like, giving people more information, talking about stuff. And it's like, you say A and B and C. And they're like, who are you? Like, you've done this and this and this. And, like, I think that just speaks to being interesting or, like, not just one thing. And that's kind of like the mystery. And that's what they enjoy. As opposed to, again, the opposites, which would be holding stuff back and being like, I don't know. Yeah. If your move is to, like, not. tell anyone anything like I think there's a difference between you and I are like bread and butter

back in the day was like saying a cool thing that we did and then telling us you know what I mean like hooking people with the with the the log line and then telling the story and I think that's like that's a pretty good way to get people interested in a conversation and and in you um but if your whole thing is like not if someone's like oh what do you how was your summer or like what did you do last like this this winter or whatever and you're just like I don't know or so yeah I can't tell you then like you

that's not interesting no because either one you're you did nothing cool and you're trying to hide that fact two you did something lame and you're trying to hide that fact three you're run over a homeless man and you and your friends conspired to hide his body and never talk about it yeah like if you

did something cool and red you'd probably tell this person you're trying to woo right you wouldn't just be like yes Like, that's, you need to, giving people information and learning about you is the best way to create attraction. Like, no one is attracted to someone who they don't know any, well, that's not true. But no sane, well adjusted person. Yes. No, no successful relationship is going to start with someone being like, this guy won't tell me anything about him.

I'm, I'm hooked. Like, because the thing is, if you are a cool spy, you've got a cover in place. right? If you're a really bad spy, you're going to be like, I don't know. You're on Tinder telling everybody. Yeah, right? Or like, oh, what's you? Well, you for job? Can't tell you. Like, okay, where were you last summer? It's a secret. Redacted. Like, yeah, we know you're a spy. We don't know exactly what you're a spy, dude. Yeah. Like, so even the best case, you're a shit spy. And that's kind of embarrassing. So, look, there's no way you being mysterious and coy about the information is as cool as whatever you're hiding.

I just, I have a hard time, I have a hard time, believe. Well, that's what I mean. And if it's not, it's still not better. Yeah. Even if it's like, even if you did go and like surfed alongside dolphins in Australia and you guys became like, that's pretty cool. But like, yeah, what are you talking about? I was going to say, yeah, never.

But it's like, even if you did something cool, but then you make it seem like it's, it's so mysterious and so, ooh. And then like when you finally tell something, you're like, oh, okay, you went surfing. Like, cool. Yeah, you could like, set up something cool because like, why are. are you not talking about it if it's a normal thing such as going surfing? And again, a rad fucking cool thing that you've done

to try to like front load it with like ooh and then you finally tell them. They're like, all right. You diminish how cool your actual achievements are and the things that you've done are by trying to make them mysterious. It's like if I told you it was like, oh, Nile, I have something really important

to tell you. Oh my God. I, but I can stop recording so you can tell me? No, no. It'll have to be like maybe tomorrow. I have to do it in person. And then I'm just like, I found a new wing place. It's like, oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm so, let's go, bro.

It would be, if I, if I just text you, it was like, found a new wing place looks awesome, you'd be like, hell yeah. But if I was like, if I dragged it on for a week being like, I can't tell you over text, I can't, I, you know, we have to be together. Like, it's really important. And then I'm just like, found a new wing place. You'd be like, the fuck's wrong with you. Yeah, I don't think there's anything to be gained by actively trying to be mysterious.

And two, it's like, I think the mystery in dating comes from like, Like, who is this guy? Not in a, I don't know anything about him. Just like, I've learned all these really cool facts, and I'm beginning to realize there's a lot to him. And it's also like, mystery is one of those things that's just inherent. It's just what? Right? Inherent.

It just exists. It either does or does not happen. And it's the same way as like, you know, being cool. If you try to be cool, you're not going to be cool. Yeah. Like, it's going to, it's going to reek of desperation and attempt. It's, like, we all know those people who are like, effortlessly cool. And it's like, they wear a thing that if I put on, I would look like an

absolute insane person. And for them, it's like the coolest fucking thing in the world. And you're just like, damn, dude. The dude who, uh, essentially like trained me as a bartender, like the reason I'm as good of a bartender as I am. Thinking of the exact same person. Yes, 100%. It's with G. Yeah. He came into, uh, he came into, uh, my bar on Friday or Saturday or something. And I was just like, you son of a bitch, why are you still like, why are you still so cool? Yeah. Like he was just wearing a suit.

But he had like, like a little I bumped into like two weeks ago picking up his kid and he's just being the dad on the street, just fucking cool as hell. I was like, just cool as his kid this cool? Is the cool hereditary? Probably. Probably. Probably. These kids are probably cool than us for sure.

Oh, not hard. We have a podcast. Yeah, we have two podcasts. Does that make a better word? I think it's worse, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's diminishing returns immediately. You guys should check out NoQuest for the Wicked. It's a really cool fiction podcast. I pretend to be... You've told me that you have a game for me. I was going to wait till after your question. Okay. Well, I'm just worried that we're 20 minutes in. You want me to hit you? Let's go. I want to do this game. Okay. So if we don't do my question, it'll be funny because it's the question I've been teasing for like three months. Hell yeah. Okay. We're so bad to our own audience. So my favorite thing ever is, do you know Fashion Nova? Okay, so Fashion Nova is like one of those, like, it's just like a clothing thing, but it's like very much markets itself as for like super hot girls and it's a little like revealing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They always like higher influencers and shit, but they have a Halloween section and the Halloween section. So is it a, it's a store? It's like an online like clothing thing.

Okay, it's kind of like a sheen sort of thing. You buy clothes online from them. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I assume, yeah. So they have a Halloween range. And I guess for copyright reasons, they can't. can't actually say what the costumes are. Right.

Yes. I'm imitating. Yeah. Sexy hardshelled candy is the M&M. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. 100%.

So you're going to nail this game. I'm going to read you the name of the costume and you tell me what the costume is. And they're going to get progressively harder. Okay. We're going to start with some softballs, right? You ready? Yeah. Solving mysteries pub.

Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo. A hundred percent. Yeah. Okay. It's a me gamer girl. it's sexy Mario sexy Mario yeah okay

we're warming up for bonus points mama me a game of girl I guess Luigi sexy Luigi it's Luigi uh you're my bestie care creature Pikachu

no not Pikachu you're my besty care creature yeah like care bear it's a care bear sexy care bear see they're getting a little harder Lightning cutie but this is Pikachu

that's Pikachu yes yeah okay seven followers princess seven followers princess what is seven i'm thinking of social media but i know it's not social media it's going to be seven followers who has seven followers oh uh snow white yes nailed it snow white and her seven followers she has terrible social media stats see getting a little harder it is getting to play evil doll is it chucky it is chucky okay boo boo monster six boo monster six

and it's b o oh i don't know if that will help or hinder you like boo-boo. Yeah. Is it one of the Monster Inc. Guys? It is not. Okay. Monster 6.

I feel like the 6 is the... I think that is a red herring. So just think boo-boo monster. Boo-boo monster. Is it scream? Ghostface? It's not scream. Damn.

It is not from a horror franchise. I'll tell you that. Boo-boo monster. It is a relatively new thing. Latively new thing. Yeah. Like it's not, you know. Huh.

Oh. that stupid the Japanese monster thing Labubu. It's a Labuobu costume yes. I'm incredibly revealing Labuobu costume. Well, look, we got to make Labuobu hot. Not your

galaxy slave. Okay, this is Princess Leia. It is Princess Leia. It is Princess Lear, Leia. Let's play game. Is this Saw? Is this Jigsaw? So I found out about this game because my partner was looking at these costumes and laughing her ass off.

and then yelling them at me while I was playing Silk Song. And that's exactly where I went. And I think that's what they meant, but I think they mixed up clowns because it is Pennywise for some reason. And I do think they just got confused about which clowns say what. Because as far as I'm aware, Pennywise isn't like, let's play a game. Yeah, no, that is, that is Jigsaw for sure. Got the juice.

Got the juice. Got the juice. It's not Lizzo, is it? Lizzo, no. I wish I was going to say maybe we go back to the original. Is it Logan Paul? It's not Logan Paul. What's his?

Yeah, it's actually a prime juice bottle. That's kind of what I was thinking. Got the juice. Got the juice. And it's a person, not a thing. It is a purse. Well, it depends how you. It's not an object, shall I say.

Okay, yeah. Juice. Who's a juicy person? Who's juicy? Juicing. I don't know. It's, do you want me to tell you? Give me a hint. Give me another hand.

If you say their name three times. Beetlejuice. It's Beetlejuice. It's Beetlejuice. Juicy person. We got Game Guard. Game Guard. Game Guard.

I mean, that could be anybody. It could be. Game Guard. I'm trying to, sexy Kratos? No. Fuck. I assume they play a guard in a video game. It's not a video game.

Oh, like a sexy goalie? Is it an athlete, though? Okay, so it's not a video game. Not a athlete. And I'll also say it's not a movie. The other games are there? board game game guard is it board game it's not a board game what the fuck i will say they phoned this one in in terms of how the fucking costume actually looks

it's real it is it a d and d like it's not it is a very popular netflix show popular netflix show oh it's a squid game the squid game guard and a real look fashion nova it's not your best work you phoned this one in um which is weird because i feel like it would be very it's not a very complex costume it's just a pink jumpsuit with a shape mask yeah but instead you have like a weird see-through bandana instead of a mask but it's not even over your face uh vicious ex-girlfriend also my new my new desire in life is to be the person that makes these names fashion nova hire me i would kill it i would be so good vicious ex-girlfriend vicious ex-girlfriend if you get this i'm going to be incredibly impressed

Is it Jennifer's body? It's not Jennifer's body. That would have been, that would have actually made sense. Vicious ex-girlfriend. Taylor Swift? It's not Taylor Swift. Damn it. I thought for sure it'd be Taylor Swift.

That's, uh, hmm. Is it a celebrity? It's no, it is a character. It is a character from a movie or TV show? Let's say both. Hmm. Movie and TV show. I have no idea.

It's from a superhero franchise. Superhero franchise. Marvel? DC? Okay. Who? Vicious. Oh.

Harley Quinn? It's Harley Quinn. Of course. Who else would it be, Dan? Who else could it be? It's sexy Harley Queen. Quinn. Super fast critter. This has got to be Sonic. Sonic the Hedchuck. It's got to be sexy Sonic. It's a super fast critter. What can we say?

And now I think my favorite one. You excite me. You excite me. You excite me. Character? TV or movie. Movie. Is it Jathan Statham from Crank? It's not. It's not.

Jason Statham or sexy crank guy. I don't know if he has a name. I'm pretty sure Jason Statham just plays Jason Statham in all of his movies, except for Shaw from Fast and Furious, because that was a defined. Where he plays Hobbes. You excite me. You excite me. That's a crazy costume to name. Hey, let me tell you, it doesn't get better when you find out what it is.

Yeah. Okay. Can you give me one more hint? Animated. Excite me. It's an animated movie, you said? Mm-hmm, yeah. Is it the genie from Aladdin?

Dang, why, why would you go with this? Is that a thing you're admitting to us? Really like that genie? Well, I'm just, I'm trying to think of like the most like dynamic. Mm-hmm. Like, cartoon character. It is pretty modern. There have, it is, this character features from the sequel of this one.

And it is a Disney Pixar movie, I believe. Uh, is it one of the emotions from inside? Maybe. Is it joy? No. it's anxiety from inside out to the the who wouldn't see that weird gangly ginger creature and be like I want a sexy version of that for Halloween and I'm going to call it by a different emotion yeah yeah someone in fashion Nova does not know what anxiety is for bonus points sexy when I'm angry is sexy

anger from inside out okay and we got the last one yeah you think maybe it would be like the Hulk right yeah No, it's anger from inside out. Do they have the whole range of inside out emotions? They do. You can buy a multi-pack of all the emotions. Oh, there you go. Get the girls together. Last one, and this one's insane.

Call her cool. Call her cool. I'm thinking, is she a superhero? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But maybe not the way you typically think about it.

Okay, I was going to say maybe Storm from the X-Men. See, that would make some kind of sense. Yeah. Unlike this. Okay. Is it Starlight from the boys? Nope, it ain't. Is it more, is it TV show or movie?

It is a movie, and I will give you it, it's animated. Animated superhero. Is it Frozone from The Incredibles? It is the right, uh, I get, I, no, it's not, but it's the right franchise. It's from the Incredibles. Is it Elastic Girl? It does appear to be Elastic Girl. They just really think she's cool, dude.

I don't, I mean, yeah, she's cool shit. In the second one, she beats the shit of the dudes. She becomes a cool one. Sure. And there we go. Oh, that's my, those are my fashion nova Halloween guessing game because I just would love to be in the room when these happened. And by that, I mean, I want to be the guy. I want to be paid to do this because I think I'd kill it. I think it would be a lot of fun. And there's no way I'd do a

worse job. Yeah. I wonder if like, no, I was going to say, I was like, is it just like, do they just type in chat GPT and be like, be vague about Jigsaw from Saw? Oops, wrong clown. But like, they've been doing this for years. Like Spirit Halloween has been coming out with these bad boys as well for a very, very long time. So, yeah, I guess it's just a skill, just a powerful trademark avoiding skill. I don't think it really popped up in these, but a lot of them were like, uh, like in your DM's detective was like a Sherlock Holmes one. Okay.

And then a lot of the like Flintstone ones were like, you know, dinosaur wife girlie or like pebble, uh, what's the place called where they live? Pebble, oh, uh, no, uh, fuck. Oh, I can remember Bred Rock, Bedrock bestie and stuff like that. I'm like, I love that they're getting in with the slang, you know? Uh, this is from Mortish throwaway. It's finally happening. Okay. Oh, I, before we do this, I have another game. Okay. No, I don't. I know. Uh, my fiance asked me to play dead. We are both morticians. I'm going to start by saying that we've been together for five years.

He proposed this April. We met when I graduated and I did an internship at his workplace. He's a bit older than me, eight years, who we've always gotten along. We are very active and open to exploring each other's kings. We have established boundaries in the bedroom. He has never asked me to play dead up until two weeks ago, and we haven't had sex since. We usually had sex every other day.

He has a very high sex drive. This is freaking me out because we work with dead people. When I asked him why he wanted me to do that, he said, just something I have been always curious about. Look where we work. Haven't you ever thought about doing it with a body? I was shocked by what he said. I just replied with no.

That's the turning point of this, whole question. I'm like, hey, you know, then we had this. All right, great. No, morally, ethically and physically, this is just wrong. He just nervous, laughed and scratched his neck. It makes me wonder if he's ever violated a body before and what kind of person he is. That question not only made me feel sick, but it also makes me look at him much differently. I haven't told anyone, not even my therapist. I think I should leave him, but I feel as though I should pry a bit more to see if he has and report it. I love him so much, but I can't bring myself to see him the same. I don't know if I'm exaggerating or if my feelings are valid. To clarify, that question

sparked serious concerns because it made it seem like he's already abused a body. We work in separate homes, but on occasion, I've been called to his workplace to help as they are way busier. Help clean up things dripping out of the bodies. He never has seemed to disrespect them near me. I do not kink shame, but as morticians, we have a certain ethics and values, and I just can't get behind this. We work with so many people of all ages, with all kinds of diseases, people who cannot consent. The debt are owed respect and kindness. They can not consent. And then there's like a thing being like,

he has a Reddit account, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I'm just gonna make this face. That's the one I've been sitting on. That's why I kept like not doing it because I was like, that's not the vibe. But I figured Halloween, this is a stupid.

You're dead. You don't care. Oh, boy. Oh boy. Walk that back. Fleshlight don't consent. No. Stop it.

Yeah. No. It's, uh, like, it's funny because if this was just a kink that they wanted to explore. Look, do I get it?

No. But like, is it kind of harmless and like, whatever if you're consenting. But, like, it changes so much when you're like, oh, don't you want to fuck the bodies, though? And then you're like, okay, all right. Yeah. No.

Because look, it's, yeah, that's the right. It's like, no, they're a dead body. I don't think I've ever wanted. Like, I've never wanted to fuck the dead body. Two, it's, she's very right at being like, I think you might have done this before. Right. Like, like, I don't know if necessarily, like, they do equate to each other, but I understand how you can never not think that. Right.

Like, that's always going to be a possibility in my brain forever. Because I don't know. Like, maybe these aren't the right words to put it in. But it's like, there's a difference between like, oh, this is like a fantasy or a thing I'm interested in trying out versus the thing we're doing is a substitute for the real thing I want to do. Because it's like, if you're in CNC and then you're like, I want to go out and do crimes, that's pretty bad, actually. Yes. If someone was like, well, I've always wanted to sexually assault someone. Right.

That drastically changes the flavor of what the kink is. Yes. And like even someone's in knife play or choking and it was like, like, I don't think the average person chokes someone and is like, yeah, I could murder somebody. They're probably just like, oh, it's like a power thing. It's domination. It's risque. It's whatever.

But again, if someone was like choking me and they were like, I've always wanted to fucking strangle someone to death. I always wanted to crush a larynx. I'd be like, cool, you're scary and this is bad. And again, it feels like this is your weak substitute of the thing you actually want to do versus this is just a thing that excites you. Because like, again, I don't think most people when they're doing their kinks are using them as a substitute for like real life. Usually often it's like the reverse where it's like, you know, people who have all the power tend to want to be submissive. Right. Like that's why you see people who are like CEOs are usually the ones like, and walked around like a dog by dom because it's it's something they don't get to experience yeah um so yeah i i think when you start having parallels between like well like do you want to do it consensually as like loving partners because it's a kink well if you don't i do have the option to just do the real thing and i think about it all the time yeah it's it's bad news also that's just

an insane thing to say to somebody i think it is very funny it's like you know the poop knife thing back in the day that was going around reddit where like the boy boyfriend's like, oh, yeah, just poop knife. And everyone was like, what do you mean? You can't just say that casually to very casually. Everybody wants to fuck the dead bodies. And then everyone turns and looks at you and you're like, oh, I'm a freak. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think like, I don't know, it troubles me because like maybe this is something that a lot of male or like is it. Hey, women can be freaks too. Yes, but I feel like it would be a lot more difficult to, for a woman, unless you're sexually assaulting a female corpse. like there requires some blood flow. Sex isn't just penetrative. Sure. But yeah, I

But it would be very hard for the dead body to participate in anything else. Rigor mortis, those hands, just get them in the right position. Yeah, I suppose I hate it. You know rigor mortis actually fades? So it's not like a thing that just happens and you're like that way. It's like as the body like after death,

there's like a buildup to like stiffening and then it goes away again. Interesting. You know that? I mean that kind of makes sense. Yeah. It's like when you see dead bodies, like in stuff like they they're not like well Dane also has things to admit I guess no like movies and stuff you know it's like when I'm again I'm watching a lot of bones see movies tend to do rigor mortis sets in and stays forever like that's a common TV like trope not when you're watching bones well then why was that surprised you then no I mean

it just like it makes sense you know about Brib you didn't know about this huh yeah man it's you're a fake pathologist um advice for this woman Look, people talk about the ick, often incorrectly, I think. I feel like this is maybe a thing that, like, once you've crossed that line, that's really hard to go back. It's like, I've been with people who've, like, said something, nothing like this, thankfully, but like something very dismissive of like someone of a certain ethnicity or position in life or like, you know, oh, that fucking poor person or something when I'm just like, oh, deep down,

you are a terrible shit person. Like, and I'm never going to be able to get past that. Whereas like with this, it's like, are you going to be able to get that worry and fear out of your head? Probably not. Like, that door has been opened. And it's like, I want to be like, hey, talk to him and be like, I have my concerns. And you said this thing. And now it worries me that you have acted on this.

But like, are you going to be able to trust what they tell you about that? Because if you're, if they've opened this door and you're like, oh, God, I don't think they're going to continue to open it. I think they're going to be like, no, it's not even that important to me. wink yeah and also as you said it's like it's it's it's not just what they say either because if every time you're having sex with them you're wondering if they wish you were dead or you're wondering if their dick has been inside a dead person that is a a very powerful mood killer and i would understand why that would have a lasting detriment on your sex life which would translate into your emotional and day to day life of being like oh like even if like this dude

is just on the up and up and it's you know it is just a king and he would never do anything to a body and whatever him clocking being like oh cool my wife thinks i fuck dead bodies is going to impact how he feels about her and her being like my husband could be fucking dead bodies is also going to impact how you feel about them like emotionally and and how you like care about a person, because as you said, it's like, it's difficult to love someone when you don't respect their, like, ethics and morals. Like, it's, it's very difficult to want to be with someone who's like that. Yeah, 100%.

So it's, it's not going to go well for either one of you because he's going to clock. He's going to be like, oh, well, we don't have sex anymore because she thinks I'm fucking dead bodies. Yeah. Like, it's already clear. It's been two weeks. Yeah. My wife.

My wife thinks I fuck dead bodies. My wife. That's actually my next question. Well, I'm joking. it's not up um and like it's it's just gonna it's just gonna crumble it's all bad and unfortunately like this is a uh a poisoning of the well that i do not think you can come back from unless you do i think like intense couples therapy in which case you can get it like all out and figure it out and resolve the problems with like guided mental health and and relationship

professionals now on the upside if he was fucking the bodies he probably wouldn't be like maybe you pretend to be one. I mean, unless you just want, like, maybe it just ain't good. Yeah. Oh, I don't like this. Why would you bring this sadness to me, Dan? I'm sorry. It's why I kept bailing on it for so long.

Yeah, I think it's very okay to just have something be it for you, you know, if you can't get past it because, like, I don't have advice for what you could or should do to get past that because I think that's on you. And if you don't have a way, cut and run, you know? And if you do have a way, I guess you just need to be sure you can trust it. Um, this is by Regis. Should I say it was a pea stain or a cum stain? No, like story short, I've been dating this girl for months and a couple of days ago she

noticed to stay in my pants. She didn't mention anything, but I knew she was looking at it. It looked like pee, and since it suddenly appeared, I think she logically thinks it's that. But it was actually cum. I came in my pants while I was with her. We're intensely in love. And even just talking to her, holding her hand, the juices started to flowing. It's always been like this. However, this time the feelings were apparently so much it went

beyond my underwear and into my pants. We're a bit traditional, waiting for marriage to have sex and stuff like that. So that probably plays a part in why I get easily excited. Anyway, I think it's kind of embarrassing. She thinks it's P, but I think saying it's not might be worse. Or maybe she'd take it as a compliment? What should I tell her? Yikes. This is, I thought it was going to be like, oh, she saw a stain on the bed or something. Like, oh, boy. Look, I think if this is a ongoing problem like it would be one thing if like you guys were just dry humpin hot and heavy on the couch and you know you you went you got a little too hot and heavy and you came then i would be like like you can maybe just play it off and hope that like you get that that grace of we like

we like each other enough that an embarrassing happen and we're just not going to talk about it because that's i think sometimes that is an acceptable okay response to do when a little embarrassing thing happens that really has no bearing on anyone else's anything. If you can overlook it, I can pretend it didn't happen, and we're going to be fine. However, if every time you hold this woman's hand, you're busting, then I think it's going to be a recurring problem, right? If this is a thing that's going to happen until you guys can start having sex and just being around her gets the juices flow, I believe you said, I don't think this is going to be the last time. This is, it's going to make its way to the outside. So it's time to triple down on boxers.

I mean, either figure out a waterproof boxer situation or you're going to have to sort of explain because she's going to think you're pissing her pants constantly. Well, maybe he's just dressed up as Beetlejuice because he's got the juice six. Yeah, juice, juice, juice boy, juice, juice monster. Yeah, like, but I want to propose this question. Is there a world in which piss better than come? Maybe if you're caught with like a dead body. And they're like, what did you do to it?

I peed on it, slightly better than, you know, yeah. I mean, I guess, yeah, it's, it's tough. Like, I understand the dilemma of, like, peeing pants seems juvenile and childish and also incredibly embarrassing. Yeah. And, like, worrying as well. Also, like, did she not clock your boner? That's it, right?

Like, are you, are you not rock hard when you're, or is it literally just like, you're so bricked up that fucking, like, you can just ejaculate. nilly. I don't know, man. I don't see a world. Also, what were you doing? Where were you? Yeah. I think is also another important. Yeah, if you're out and about and you have this giant boner and you're just like leaking come, that's kind of not. I think that's more worrying. Like, I don't think it's worrying for her. Maybe in a when you guys finally try the bone later situation. But like in general, like whatever.

You know what I mean? She should be mature enough to understand that you guys are being intimate and close and like you're a little aroused. I don't think you saying like, hey, because it seems also that they didn't ejaculate, but that they just like, it's a lot of pre-com. I don't know. But all of it doesn't make any fucking sense to be. Like, none of it really. But you make a great point. You can't be at dinner and

just jizz in your pants. Like, you are in public. That is unacceptable. What if you're like sitting on a park bench? No. No. Yeah. If you in the, in the confines of your homes, you can fill your pants with as much cum as you'd like. But when you're in public, there

shouldn't be, there shouldn't be a drop of semen involved. There should be there should be no come in public places. Especially not visible. Yeah. Any any other kind also questionable at best, but like, that's, I don't want to be worrying who's

jizzing around me. Right? Like, I don't. Pissing also for that fact, you know? I mean, it's pissing. Like, if I'm at a bar, there's probably someone pissing nearby. That's fine. Right? Like, through the toilet. Yeah. Yes, for sure. But if if someone said like, oh, in 20, in a

you know, 20 foot radius, someone's peeing. And I'm sitting at a bar, be like, yeah, probably in the bathroom. If someone said in a 20 foot radius, someone's coming. In the apartment upstairs. Yeah, I mean, okay, sure. I guess we're going to play that game. But like, it's, they're not, he's peeing in his pants. And it's like, I'm just saying, don't do either if it's avoidable. Well, yes. Yeah, I think the answer is don't, don't release bodily fluids into your pants. Yeah. It's probably a great piece of advice. I don't see a world in which come is worse than piss, right? Because if you're peeing, I think that's embarrassing, right? Again, like, no shade to people. Like, I know people have issues with things and there are conditions. So, like, I'm not

talking to you. And I hope this doesn't come off offensive. But, like, I think the majority of people will consider peeing in their pants to be embarrassing. And I think that you're not going to get any benefits from this. I also think if I was with someone who was peeing their pants, I would be concerned about it. I would be like, hey, what's going on? Are you okay? Medically, are things happening? You know what I mean? Whereas like, if someone came, I'd be like, whoa, little quick off the draw there. But like, I would at least understand to a degree. Yeah, there would be really no mystery how we got to this point.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Again, if all you're doing is holding hands and talking to each other, that's, those juices are flowing. But, you know, whatever, we've all been young. My, does it say their age? No. Yeah. Because in my mind, they're not as young as they may be. No, I also don't think they're particularly young.

But I think this man needs to look into masturbation, because my guess is he is not. And look, the Lord gave you two hands, my man. He, you know, it's like the story of being like the guy on the roof and the flood keeps coming and a boat comes. And he's like, no, God will save me. And then the helicopter comes. And he's like, no, God will save me. And he's like, why didn't you save me guys? He's like, well, I sent a boat.

And I sent a helicopter. That's your hands. The boat and the helicopter. The devil makes come for idle pants. Exactly. your your sin is is you jizzing in public yeah don't do that god i think god wants you to not do that yeah i don't think piss gambit is the way to go if and also let's be fair she didn't say anything about these stains you just think she was looking at them so maybe you're looking down and you're

like well she she probably clocked it when you just say i spat on myself just just develop a hand trummer and just constantly be like duncan drinks onto your lap and then no because this just hides the cum. You're diluting the cum. Now the cum is spreading. Yeah, we're not meant to help you have more cum in your pants. Just masturbate a home. If you need to bring up the stain,

tell them that it was cum, not piss because that's a wild thing. And I don't know. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's our episode. We hope you were thoroughly spooked. Now, you said you were having trouble finding bad sex writing,

which is great because I have an assortment of opening hinge prompts from my friend. Incredible. And I will preface this. My friend is a lovely young woman. Well, I will preface this with, thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song paper stars.

And also, you should go follow us on Patreon and you should go post about us and support us and like us and share us and give us ratings, good ones. Yes, do that. And thank you, Brazil, who's jumped into being our either top country or second country depending on the day, but y'all are flying and we love you. Yeah. My friend's a babe, she's lovely. She's an incredible person.

I will say, not a single one of these men have any right. I mean, just off the bat, no one should be talking to anyone like this. But these men are shooting their shot, let me just say. So the first one, these are all hinge, like when you get matched with, you can send a message. This is their opening volley.

Perfect. uh this is hold on i'm gonna put on spooky lighting just to really get in the yeah really really get it the hallowing mood yeah there you go that's great uh jason says hey wow you're insanely pretty love your hair i just got into i just got into the city around four p m uh for a night of dinner and d t f i'd like to know is that ever worked for this man yeah right i judge no i would imagine not um this is from vladimir ladies and gentlemen here's the winner of hinge's coveted photo of the year award and the winner is a haughty it's like her name is right there why didn't you say her name my guess is you've copy and pasted this to hundreds of women

it's funny because it would make that significantly better just the smallest change turn it to like kind of funny and playful versus like low effort and a little creepy yeah uh this oh i don't have a name for this uh this is actually just like from a profile my biggest date fail my nuts fell out of my shorts on a lunch date. Good for you, bro. No, this is a man named Calzone. Calzone? Yeah.

Which, if I recall correctly, is that not just a pizza pocket? It is a pizza pocket, yeah. Those are calzones, right? Okay, great. Well, basically, yeah, it's like a wrap-up pizza on the inside thing, yeah. Yeah. It's a great name. Is he hot?

This one, I don't have a picture of him, but I can only assume he's not. Let's see if you could figure out what the fuck he's trying to say. Okay. Because this could have been written by just a sentient calzone because it's nonsense. I keep my money under my mattress. Only bank I believe in is a booty. Don't believe in TFSAs, GLTAs and M&As, unless you want to merge. I might sign an NDA.

Wow. This finance bro thinks that he's so fucking cool dropping his finance bro terminology. And yet, it does sound like he wants to put some dollars in your butt. It, yeah, yeah. What does that mean? The only bank I believe in is a booty. Booty bank. Do we call Booty's banks now?

Do we say, damn, she got a bank on her. Yeah. What's that mean? They're cutting the rate Bank of Canada. What? I don't know, man. Also, like, I keep my money under my mattress. Okay.

Is that a cool thing for a grown man to say? Yeah. I don't know. It's not. Also, being like, I'm going to sign an NDA. It's like, so you don't want to talk about me. You want to keep me a secret. Yeah. Also, he doesn't believe in TFSAs. Bro, you need to get your fucking, like, get your financial life in order before you come from a booty.

This one, yeah. This is from Harrison. He says, are you as fun as you seem? Smirky, smirky, smirk. Something about it. Yeah. And this is, I don't think I have a name for this guy. But he says, can I follow you? Because my mom told me to follow my dreams. I don't know, man. It's not the worst one, but there's certainly not the worst. There's something about it. Bring up your mom. Talking about following someone, it's like, I think that's it, right? It's like you've got the parts of a joke and you'll put them together, but you haven't thought about it.

You haven't thought, one, following people, yeah, you probably mean social media, but there is something creepy about a strange man on the internet asking to follow you. And then you're bringing up your mom. I feel like your creepiness has been overshadowed the joke. Yeah. I mean, it's just like there are some things. She also doesn't have the, and here's the really spooky thing. So she didn't include it because I don't think she has the actual the message. But she did say, one time a man asked me to go to his remote cabin in the woods for a first date as an opener. And I can't imagine that ever worked well. Yeah. That's, it's, hey, it's scary because people like that exist. Yeah, yeah. And that's just dating for you, y'all. That's just. just dating for you. My name is Day Miller. And I'm Nile Spain.

And it's Dracula again. Oh, D-Gy-Gar. We've been your fuck, buddies. Happy Halloween.