F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 39 - A Japanese Salty Dish

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

This week we got one of our most bewildering Facebook questions (and that's saying a lot!), but like true professionals (disclaimer: we are NOT professionals) we're still brave enough to tackle it.  Also, we feature our very first non-fiction sex writing.  Topics include a threatening break-up, a salty snack and a mean prank, being old enough to figure it out, dating competition, pre-penetration porn problems, buckwild orgasms and exes that cling on.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niles Spang And we're your fuck buddies Welcome back I think I prefer drinking bourbon Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spang. And we're your fuck buddies.

Welcome back. I think I prefer drinking bourbon. I'm always down. Once it's whiskey of some description. Yeah. How's it going? How are you? Good. How are you? I'm good, yeah.

It's been a week. I know. I'm getting increasingly worried about the heat. Because we never recorded during the summer we started in october yeah and it was already warm enough in here yeah i'm worried that we'll just start doing shorter and shorter episodes yeah or we just die in here one or the other yep yep yeah at any point one of our podcasts just stop uploading and the last episode that you've heard just sort of trails off well who would upload it? That's an excellent question.

That would be your unfinished business. You just, like, type a little bit. You're like, oh, there you go. Oh, I pass on. Just a ghosty upload. If we stop uploading, we've probably just died of heat exhaustion. So it's been nice. Good thing we have this whiskey to hydrate us.

It's true. It's true. So I guess we're going to start off with, we got possibly our most interesting Facebook message. It was an enigma. It was a little rollercoaster. It really was. Maybe not as much as the one guy who wanted us to hack people's messages or the other guy who just kept sending us porn. I feel like we're still on that ride.

What? The message hacker. Oh, yeah. He just waits seven to eight months. Yeah, he just throws in something. So I think we're at the peak right before the drop. It's funny because we have never, or like when we came up with the name, we went through a few. I guess like we were initially, like every time we talked about this name, like Fuck Buddies, we were like, oh, should we not? Like, will it not get us on certain

lists because it has the f word in it will it blah blah blah will we move we never considered the fact that we'd just be constantly harassed by men for online sex uh that was uh that was a fucking faux pas on our behalf yeah we didn't we didn't think this through didn't consider that part at all um but but we you know so i guess do you want to do a dramatic reading again? If you want, yeah. We should give this gentleman an agent name. I'm going to say his agent name is Agent Too Real For You. Okay. With a two, a four, and the letter U.

Yep. And real spelled E-E-L. Okay. So I'll be Agent Too Real For You. Okay. Hey, I'm horny. Spelled wrong. And look in the fuck. No, anyone in Albuquerque, New Mexico?

Sorry, my dude. We're a dating and sex advice podcast. We host a show that answers questions about dating and sex. If you've got a question for us, we can help. Well, if you're looking for hookups, you're probably better off on Tinder. Good luck. This one thing's a little weird, strange. I don't know.

This one's a little bit of a weird thing. This one's a little bit of a diver don't know this one that diverged from the usual yeah kk question this is agent too real for you's brother question is i'm engaged to the love of my life but every time i go through her facebook and contacts she asking other people for sex what am i supposed to do want to leave her then she says she's going to overdose on her drugs i don't use and i'm trying to get her to stop any advice what yeah so it went from a guy ironically looking for sex on the internet to a guy with a question about someone looking for sex on the internet that's actually a really heavy question it is it is a heavy question

i don't think we've ever discussed like people threatening to like hurt themselves in a breakup before i don't i don't know i don't think we have so i know i know we started light i just did think it was funny how it started like it's just a really weird switch around right there it was it was wildly unexpected especially because like i was i was watching it happen live and like i saw the like okay or i saw like the kk and i was like all right yeah like i figured that was gonna be it and there's like question i was like oh no god he's gonna ask how do i fuck without condom yeah i was like i don't i'm bewildered as what this question is gonna be and then and then it got hit yeah so it was too real for me and there's their brother which again i'm not gonna get into all

that this is just bizarre but hey i don't fuck yeah like i. I appreciate it. You know what? I know we approached this lightly so far, but I do appreciate the fact that this is the only person who's messaged us and actually been like, oh, cool, and then gotten on board. So fuck yeah. Agent 2 Real for you. You rock. But also, I'm sorry. That's a really shitty situation.

Yeah. And a tough one. I think it's one of those things it's uh do they know i'd like i would love to know if uh because he says i want to leave her but is he is he explaining why well i think the reasons why are because they're looking for sex well that's what i mean i was like but is he is he saying that like is he saying hey like i'm'm seeing you. Like, I've seen you solicit other people for sex. And, like, if that's how it's going to be, I got to go. Or is he just trying to, like, break up?

Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know. Because I feel like if you sort of explain your reasoning and be like, yo, if we want to be together. Yeah, you can't just. You've got to make a choice and not try to sleep with other people. Yeah. Because that's not what i'm looking for but at the same time like if they want to leave this relationship and also it doesn't sound healthy like i feel like if they're engaged then the whole don't go sleep with other people is probably at the very least implied i do feel like

and also if you already want out i don't really think it's time to further get back in there, tiger. Yeah. And the whole threatening thing, like that, that's awful. And I get how terrifying it is, but like, it sounds like this person might need some help. So I think maybe that should be step one is be like, look, I care about you and we're engaged but like you can't like you're threatening self-harm and you're using drugs presumably in a way that's not recreational yeah yeah um and like be honest and talk to her up front and you know try and get her to go and see someone with you and maybe that will solve the problems that uh you've been having or at the

very least it'll mean that like if you do leave and when you do leave she's not just completely by herself she'll at least be talking to somebody who can presumably guide her through that because you also can't be held hostage yeah and like that's the thing is you know because you're like if this is how you start your relationship or at least like your marriage like this isn't going to get better oh yeah because you're eventually going to get to the point where like you need to leave and and at that point it's gonna be whether or not it's a false threat it's gonna be more of a real one then because things are gonna be more serious for everybody involved right the longer it goes on the worse it's gonna get like the longer you go on the the greater the chance that

there might be children involved or even just marriage like that's going to be tough because then you have to split assets you have to do x and y and z like whereas like if you get out now so yeah i would definitely look into try and get her help try and get her to come an intervention of some sort like somebody if you've got a good family system like if you're close with their family or if they have like a strong family reach out to them and be like yo i'm gonna need some help because she's on a very bad path. That's going to end very poorly. And she's threatening self-harm, which is or she's literally threatening suicide.

So like that's not that's not good. It's not fair on you. It's not. I'm just like this is something that I've always struggled with. I've never been in this situation, thankfully. But as tough as it is on your conscience, you're not responsible for other people's actions. No. So like if someone ever threatens to kill themselves because you leave them and you need to leave, like it sucks.

But like you got to go. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you're, like, you can't be held hostage to somebody else because, like, what, you know what I mean? You can't just give up your life on the off chance that somebody is actually making, you know what I mean? Like, I know that sounds really fucked up, but at the same time, how much more fucked up is it to be like okay like you're literally being blackmailed into staying with somebody yeah and like that's awful i can't be like like if it was her being like i'm gonna kill this dude if you leave everyone would be like no that's fucked up but it's like i mean myself people are like oh shit yeah and i like i understand i mean it's not an easy thing to do at all because like there's that backlash of people who are gonna blame you and like you're probably

gonna blame yourself especially like if this is someone he calls him or he calls her the love of his life you know i mean like this isn't something and that's a horrible position to be in to love someone and want to get married to them but for things to have gone so bad that you still need to leave and on top of that then to be threatened like that's fucked and i'm sorry that's a that's a horrible situation so i don't know i mean like it's tough especially um presuming they're in the states um like i don't know if this costs money to get yeah you know what i mean because i'm sure there has to be some there's got to be a a like drug crisis yeah center or something in which you can just like

the suicide helpline maybe call them yourself you know um there's there's gotta be because there are there are definitely kind of wish i looked a little more into it to give specific advice maybe maybe we'll do that like off off quote unquote air yeah or even like i'm sure yeah actually we should probably do that um but you can look them up yourself as well like it's like they're posting every subway you know what i mean because people go there to jump on front of fucking train you know what i mean like there are there are a lot of resources and like even if you're not the one with suicidal thoughts i'm pretty sure they i totally accept calls from people who are worried about people yeah i don't i don't think they're gonna hang up on you if they're like oh you're not endangered no but by yeah it's like their interest is in saving lives and 100 you are also taking that similar i'm also going to point out again which

i don't know maybe we should say every episode we are not perfect we are not professionals our advice is not in any way you know it doesn't come with a guarantee uh we're as fallible as the next person i also think that's why we're telling you to go get professional well that's that's exactly what i'm saying. It's like they will have a far better idea what to do than we do. You know what I mean? When someone's life is in the line, I think we'll always defer to go get professional help. I think in general also just that stands like we're, you know, we're doing our best,

but we ain't, you know, we're not perfect. Yeah, we can tell you how to like get out of, you know, pissing your bed. Even then, we're not perfect on that either. But just like, honestly, like this is a really serious situation for you and for them. So I do think like step one is to get help. You know what I mean? Try and get them to go with you to get help. But also maybe first talk to people, see what your options are, because it's better if you come to them, talk to them.

And instead of them going, well, where are we going to fucking go we don't have money or blah blah blah blah blah and you being like oh i'll get back to you and then giving the whole thing time to get weird yeah you can go and be like no we we can go down the road it's five blocks over they can you know and actually be like it's actually free or it's only X or Y or like just because then if they're getting help, then maybe they will not do any harm to themselves. And there's also a little bit of, again, I feel bad saying this, but there's also sort of like a release of guilt of being like, you tried your best. Like if she's still if like if you need to get out and you know you need to go and you've done everything you can in your power to make sure that she stays safe and she still acts on her threats or whatever, there's very little you're being blackmailed by someone which like let's be fair if someone is forcing you to stay with them you're not gonna be happy that's gonna in that's gonna influence your relationship in a bunch of ways like maybe you'll cheat because if you stop thinking of your relationship as a relationship then what

like where's the sanctity gone you'll you might hook up with somebody else what are they gonna do when that happens you know what i mean like there's so many like roads just gonna get worse and worse and the threats are gonna get more dire and you're gonna be more miserable and like if you add a house or a fucking marriage or a kid or anything onto that like everything's gonna suck yeah so i'd say like try get them help if you can but don't give up your life when someone's trying to blackmail you. Yeah. And good luck. And I hope we didn't offend you with taking the piss earlier. It's just, it was a funny turnaround.

I think everyone can realize how bizarre this situation is. But also, props for being our only person who's actually been like, oh, this is what this is, and hey. Yeah, thank you for trusting us with your question. I think I will take a second uh and research some stuff if we if we get any uh resources we will definitely send them on yeah um but yeah good luck please stay safe yeah i hope i hope it turns

out all right for the both of you yeah all right we're gonna lighten it a little bit fucking bullshit oh wait user was banned for this post oh shit oh no do you remember what it was yeah okay uh my son 17 played a prank on me i'm fucking humiliated um basically they went to a japanese restaurant and their son told them to order bukkake um which they did and the waiter looked really uncomfortable said they didn't have it uh they looked askance to their son who then said oh it's a japanese salty dish like just ask them again ask them again at which point the waiter took them aside informed them what it was and they went back and the whole family was kind of laughing at their i think

was their dad man imagine being that server i know like there's no i've worked in restaurants for like 10 years and i don't think there's ever a time where i would pull someone aside and be like oh just so you know you're ordering just like a massive amounts of cum on your face that's what you're asking for right now a sir who's going to pay my bills yeah i just be like no we don't have that and i would look at the fucking smart ass son and i just give him the i know what you're doing yeah um yeah no that's that's awful i think they got banned because their name is also japanese salty dish and it's probably not i don't know either way uh their question was how do i recover from this because they're just mortified and secondly how do they let their son know that they are, like, that upset?

Out of the will. Well, yeah. I mean, like, the easiest thing to do is just never go back to that restaurant. Ever. Right? Because, like, what are the chances that you're going to cross paths with... Or just go right back the next day. Yeah, and be like, no, sir.

I know what I want. And I would like a bukkake. I would like the largest bukkake that you have, sir. Yeah. Yeah, just go there every day and order a bukkake until you get one. I feel like there's two ways to deal with extreme embarrassment, and that is to never go back or to always go back. There was someone who we found in the bathroom of a bar I used to work in a while ago who had just decided to go into the bathroom and just shit themselves in their tights and uh like I guess shit themselves then tried to

pull them down uh the guys didn't go in so the girls had to tell us this because they had to clean her up and put her in a taxi and they had to put newspaper down the taxi so there wasn't shit everywhere um but they basically smeared shit all over their legs and mangled it all up in their tights and it was apparently just horrendous uh she was sitting at the bar the next night hell yeah and we were no one no one said shit and everyone was just like it was it was the biggest mad dog move like no one was just like oh god i mean i think there was probably the benefit of blacking out and not remembering yeah it's very possible she did not know. Unless this guy was blackout drunk and asking for bukkake. Like, there's also the

yeah, like, recovering from embarrassment if you don't remember it is very easy. But the thing is, at the same time, you still woke up caked in shit. Yeah, you could assume that happened after the fact. Maybe. I don't know. Either way, like, just that's it. Like, no one's gonna say anything. Yeah. I think it's more like he's hurt.

Well, I don't know about this restaurant because if they're willing to pull this dude aside and explain the concept of bukkake to a paying customer. You know what? There is no guarantee that, you know, in like Japanese restaurants when you walk in and they all like yell. What if that's the thing where you walk in and everyone's like, a bukkake. I doubt that. And you're just like, I don't know.

This place seems fucking buck wild i feel like the level of like it's a level of kindness and politeness like it's not like a level of like fuckery it's like literally just being so diligent and nice that you're sacrificing maybe your tip to to make sure this person doesn't further embarrass themselves that's like some solid shit what i say they do they go back and they say i really want a pump and dump you know and it's like what i want a pump and dump and then can i see your dessert menu actually you know what i'll take the cream pie yeah just like keep ordering things get more outlandish like things and get them to explain every aspect of sex to you you know yeah just come in with more and more or just just make it a thing where like maybe it

doesn't work for um uh you know like a a japanese restaurant or whatever like go to maybe like a like an americana themed like saloon and be like hey can i have a cleveland steamer please and just constantly go to a specific themed restaurant i feel like that one place this one guy he will even if he doesn't know what it is he will go he will get on urban dictionary he will come out and be like so i'm so sorry i'm so sorry sir that is actually when you shit on somebody's like i feel like that's how good this dude is like he's just off the charts nice guy but then this becomes then we're gonna get a question from this guy who's just like someone keeps coming into my restaurant every week there's a sex pest who

gets his kicks from watching me explain the most outlandish sex things yeah i just i feel like and you guys could become like bros and one day like when you're getting married or when he's getting married and one of you is the best man you'll be like so here's how we met as to like you're a grown-ass man yeah like you can if your son yeah you can take his phone away could change the wi-fi password yeah be like hey you know it's a funny joke i've changed your password yeah try looking up your fucking internet smut now yeah wanker look up your fucking bukkake porn now now. Come on his phone. Oh. You know what? Get James McAvoy's cum box.

On his birthday, be like, I got you a present. Come down to the garage and make it seem like maybe you've got him a car. And then be like, all right, close your eyes. And then just have a group of strange men ejaculate all over him. Don't do any of this because it's sexual assault. But, yeah, no. It's not when you're dead when it comes to uh no when it comes to time for birthday just be like oh shit i think uh i think i left in that restaurant and then just stare at him yeah or you know what like buy him like a membership to a real horrific porn site, like a Bukkake-themed porn site, and just, like...

Nah, this little sick fuck would like that. But here's the thing, when his parents, like, his friends are over, be like, hey, do you want me to renew your subscription to Bukkake Sluts? Judging by this weirdo, maybe that would be, like, he'd get, like, big props from his bros. I mean, maybe. I don't know, just be like, just talk to him, be to him be like really like you realize what's wrong with that and if he doesn't just fucking punish him

like yeah there's a million ways to do that just like don't feed him yeah just be like

go buy your own food get a job throw him down the basement just lock the door yeah stop giving him allowance and be like there you go you're a basement boy now

yeah no just punish him like a normal human adult like don't let him see your weakness either don't like just be like oh yeah or just every time he comes into like if you have a study just every time he comes in just be watching fucking bukkake i'd just be like yeah look where you started hey thanks hey thanks for letting me in on this secret this is fucking awesome just keep being like i'm really anytime he brings his friends over

just have bukkake playing on the TV Just be like Oh hey guys How you doing I'm just catching up On my shows Or every single time You go out to eat Just be like

I think he wants Bukkake Yeah And then just like Watch him like And be like No you always talk about it Right And just like

Put him on the spot He's a little fucking kid He can't deal with people Yeah Hell yeah I know There's tons of ways You can't deal with people. Yeah. Hell yeah. I know. There's tons of ways you can fucking deal with this.

Poor Matt. Just please leave this poor server alone. He doesn't need to. Go back and just ask him the weirdest shit. Here's the thing. This comes from Reddit user JudgesLife. Girlfriend admitted she hates the way I play with her clit. Not sure what to do. I'm 35 years old and been with my fair share of women. Started dating a new girl and she told me that the way I play with her clit. Not sure what to do. I'm 35 years old and been with my fair share of women.

Started dating a new girl, and she told me that the way I play with her clit hurts her because her clit is very sensitive. I've tried decreasing the pressure I use, but to no avail. This is happening with both fingers and oral. I haven't encountered this problem before, as women I've been with have enjoyed direct clitoral stimulation. Was hoping for some guidance, as I feel like a failure now. Now, I bring this up because it's...

The solution is very simple. You say, hey. Ask her, how do you like... Right, that's what I would have said. In the comments he said, that was like the common thing, just be like, well, just ask her what she did. You know what her response was?

I've tried. This is him saying, I've tried asking her and she turned it around on me saying that I'm old enough to figure it out oh she ain't good what the fuck you know what I love is or actually I hate or either I don't really know it's like there's probably a million million people on this subreddit who wish their partner would go hey how do you like yeah how can i make this better and they would probably solve a lot of issues most people have this guy's doing it and she's just like making belittling him you're old enough to figure it out fuck you i mean you could turn around be like yeah i'm old enough to have been with enough women to know this is

what most of them That I've been with have liked You're the broken It could get so toxic Of just turning it around on each other Being like no your body's broken Fuck you I'm old enough to have a communication relationship

That's the thing Yes you're correct he is old enough And he is figuring out by fucking asking you Yeah like maybe he'll get there But at the same time you can save all that discomfort by just showing him or or whatever like and you know that's a self-conscious response like there's no way like that that comes from a you know they're embarrassed i would assume they're either they don't really know what they want and they don't want to admit that. That's the only thing I can assume. Or they just. Is this probably like never gotten off?

Yeah. And like him being like, yo, how does it work? Like, tell me what you like. And they don't know. Yeah. And therefore. They don't want to admit it, right? Don't want to be like, well, I'm a 35 or, you know, in my late thirties or mid thirties.

And I have no idea how to like sexually pleasure myself. Yeah. Like, like that's the only way i can think this is shaken out i know a lot of people who the more like standoffish and like almost like aggressively confident people sexually are usually people have no idea what they're doing yeah because they're like trying to make up for it which like whatever doesn't matter what your level of like experience is or whatever once you're like the once you're the opposite of this if you're open and like willing to like communicate you're gonna do fine if you're gonna pull this

shit you're not gonna do great yeah because like especially if you're saying something hurts if you're going to sit there and deal with pain and discomfort and the opposite of pleasure while this guy fumbles around and tries to figure out like this whole new way of pleasuring women well you're specifically not helping while you just like sit there with your arms crossed being like no no you're not old enough you know what i mean like what what benefit does this have for you that's the shit for everybody involved and also like i can't imagine that would be very fun in bed because like you're gonna be up up in your head, you're being judged. And also just like even even if you refuse to answer or like to help, that'll be one thing.

But like to make it so like condescending and like that's fucked. Yeah. Don't do that. No, I know. I like it's one of the most like what you said. Because it was the first thing I was going to say. But 90 percent or like I would say a good portion of like the questions that i come across which is why like we've answered them once or twice um or like my boyfriend or girlfriend does x i don't really enjoy it or like i wish my boyfriend or girlfriend would do x or like and like yeah that's the solution is just like if you're not being pleasured and someone says hey how can i do? And then you don't tell them and then complain that you're not being pleasured is...

Then you're an asshole. And you know what's funny is like, think about it this way. If maybe she has no idea what you're doing and she was like, honestly, I don't really know. Let's work it out together. Wink, wink. Let's go get naked. That would be really cool.

He'd be like, cool. You get into bed. You try some things. You probably have a laugh about it. You get there and then you'd be open and honest and they would be two and then you'd come and everyone be happy well there's a thing it's like the the benefits of working with him are are like but also even even apart from that just the general like atmosphere would be great because you're on a team instead of yeah like adversaries yeah no it's not

how sex is so my advice this guy is just like get the fuck out yeah i don't know just be like you know what else i'm old enough to know is like my self-worth and yeah also i respect my time so like if you're not going to work with me in this relationship i'm going to assume you're also not going to work with me on like other important things so yeah that's indicative of a lot of bullshit and it's like yeah i would just be like i'm old enough to know i'm not wasting my time on this live her live her orgasmless life orgasmless you go and just have fun elsewhere and like nothing wrong with being too sensitive nothing wrong with liking things a different way nothing wrong with any of that nothing wrong with not being able to have sex nothing wrong with

anything but there is a lot wrong with condescending your partner when they're trying to help you and refusing to communicate yeah uh that's fucked um yeah there's there's no answer to like help this guy out sexually because he's done well i will say just general advice for people who are very sensitive clits and this can happen if they're sensitive in general or if you've just had sex and it's sensitive as a result of that, or like you're on a periods, you're extra sensitive or something like utilize the hood. Like you can rub over the hood and therefore you're not just getting direct

clitoral stimulation. Also lube, a lot of lube, like the less lubed up it is, the more sensation they're going to get. So like if it's very sensitive sensitive you want a lot of lube also you've you've got another you've got a whole vagina to explain yeah you've got everything else as well it's like if if they're not a fan of external stimulation head on inside there's

lots of things you can do in there um but especially leave yeah but get out like if someone's not gonna work with you on this shit and is also gonna condescend you like fuck don't fuck them get the fuck out yeah that sucks so much jesus i hope you're listening and i hope you get your act together you butt so i found the new reddit uh-oh this is ask man and there's some good stuff on there and there's some terrible stuff on there i get there's some terrible stuff on there. Oh, I get stuff from Ask Man all the time. Really? Yeah.

Oh. All right, this is Ask Man by Nini551. What type of man, what profession, is the worst romantic competition for you? Okay. I'm just interested, because these can be random. I had a super successful friend with a PhD in physics and national medals in triathlon who was most jealous of ski instructors. Okay. community college. He once said, she's dating a physicist. I would feel much less bad if he were like a yoga teacher, but I'm sure yoga teachers are the worst for someone. So what's yours?

Oh man. Uh, clearly not doctors, not doctors. No, that's for sure. Sorry. Doctors. I think doctors are us. Yeah. We are doctors worst. Um, for. For, to clarify, we were on a night out and we're talking to some girls and these guys came up and like kept like aggressively trying to like interrupt. Well, because they were quote unquote talking to them first. Oh yeah. They got upset because they had talked to them before we had arrived. And then when we were like, so like they can choose like what the fuck? They were, they just kept kind of like incredulously repeating.

But we're doctors. We're like, OK, we're doctors. We're like, OK, good. Good for you, bud. Like, what do you do? We're doctors. Like, does it matter? He's like, yeah, we're doctors.

It's like, OK, well, it's not working out for you, though. So, yeah. Sorry, doctors. I don't know. I mean, like, thinking, like, I don't know, realistically, like, in my own personal life, I would say musicians? No, it's a bullshit question. I mean, yeah.

Don't give it. But, like, but no, you've got to answer it. No, you don't. You do have to answer it. The fact is. What profession are you scared of? So you're deflecting. I'm terrified of mimes.

That's fair. Are you afraid the mimes are going to steal your girl? You said afraid of. You didn't say most dramatic romantic competition. Who's your, well, they could fucking just throw a lasso around your lady. Kara. They could do cowboys. Again, you're mixing up cowboys and mimes. No. Mimes can throw a lasso around your lady. Kara. They could do cowboys. Again, you're mixing up cowboys and mimes.

No. Mimes can throw a lasso. Mimes can literally do whatever the fuck they want. That's why they're terrifying. Exactly. Yeah. And they're always like climbing that invisible rope. You get a will save to disbelieve though.

It's true. D&D joke. I would say dolphin trainer because you can't you can't compete against that yeah imagine being like hey do you want to double on my bike and just fucking

like this guy just shows up hey you want to ride on my dolphin yeah it's like you want a drink girl yeah okay it's on its way who's bringing it no

no that's not it I mean now you're confusing horses yeah oh if depending on what age I was has changed my biggest romantic competition honors younger was a horse because have you ever met a girl with a horse it's weird I mean that's fair horses are a profession no but like I just love how bizarre this question is but you know there is someone oh I'm sorry

heart surgeon personal trainers oh man a lot of people are upset about personal trainers I get it I'm sure a lot of untoward business happens with personal trainers you're all sweaty they're fit

they're bending you over and shit. Guitar player. A lot of people also agreeing with guitar players, but a lot of people saying bassists don't count. Investors. Helicopter pilots. Two of my last three girlfriends cheated on me with helicopter pilots. How do you know

that many helicopter pilots? See, this is what I'm saying. I don't think it's a crazy question. No, but it is a crazy question it's not that people don't agree with it right okay so people agree with it is batshit yeah uh personal trainers slash rugby players ice hockey player firefighters specifically because of the fire trucks all right unironically fighter pilots doctor versus lawyer brain surgeon versus rocket scientist i don't know what that means i don't of the fire trucks. All right. On ironically, fighter pilots. Doctor versus lawyer? Brain surgeon versus rocket scientist?

I don't know what that means. I don't understand. Construction workers. They will catcall you. Any other profession. I'm an engineer. The sex appeal of the engineering career

is non-existent. I don't think that's true. Not a profession, but Australians. They are hot. People do get really weird about Irish people, actually. Artists. Apparently. Handy man. um not a profession but australians they are hot people do get really weird about irish people actually artists apparently that's handy so like i find it really funny that a lot of people have

their own i think everyone's got one i think if you like sit down and talk anyone like you'll find but like i don't think do you actually like, not as a joke, think of one? Like, are you being serious when you say like musicians? I mean, I'm only saying that because of like, if I think back at like, the people who have tried shit with people that I'm dating and have been like kind of shitty towards them, they're almost always musicians. But that's not necessarily your big, like, are you saying they're lying in bed afraid the musician's going to come? Yeah, no. That's what these people are though. Like, they are the kind, like, are you sitting there lying in bed afraid the musician's going to come?

Yeah, no. That's what these people are, though. Like, they are the kind, like, literally from the thing, it's like, if I ever meet X, I'm immediately hostile, I don't like it, and I want to get out of there. And that's so bizarre. And it comes from the same, like, people who think that way are also people who think,'m a doctor i deserve girls because i'm impressive look at me and it's just so funny to me it's a lot of people think that way but it's so fucked it's like just because you're a lawyer i don't know it's just really funny i thought there are also people who like specifically target out like but at the same time as a bartender i hear the

amount of people i was uh i mean not recently because I've been off for a while. But like one of my last bar shifts, there was a group of girls who was talking about how shitty this one dude. And they were like, don't break up with him. He's a lawyer. And I was like, I'm sorry. Your girlfriend just told you that like

this guy is like treating her like shit. And you're actively suggesting she stays in a toxic relationship because of his profession. I think anybody in this profession equals worth, whatever way it goes, I think you all need a slap in the face and reality check. But I finally got low enough that, or I think the eighth one is Irish people. Samurais, man. I'm sorry, to be fair, if a samurai rolledais, man. I'm sorry. To be fair, if a samurai rolled into a bar that I was with, I'd be like, we're leaving. If a samurai came in, I'd fuck him.

Yeah. Well, that's what I mean. Like, I would have to go. I'd be like, I'm going to cheat on you. This comes from Reddit user RTA and a bunch of numbers. Suddenly, my... Okay, so this is a 25-year-old female. Suddenly, my sex drive is through the roof after being in a relationship.

I've never had to masturbate or watch porn before during a relationship, but now I'm thinking about sex almost every day and have to masturbate slash watch porn. This started happening about three months into the relationship. Is this normal? I'm still in the relationship. We haven't had penetrative sex yet because I'm very nervous about it, so we're easing into it. But we do have oral sex when we see each other and it's from a girl's perspective it's from a lady yes okay what age 25 okay well isn't it like you're meant to start getting like

ultra horny as a lady about that time 30s like late 20s 30s is when you like start i think it's closer to like the 40s i think it's women's sexual prime either way it's meant to be like guys are super horny when they're younger and then that kind of peters off ironically as women get ultra horny um so it could be that could be early onset late life horniness also it's probably just that you're in a relationship and that's getting you all hyped up but you're still not fucking well that's the thing i think like i think it's important to wait until you're ready to have sex true i think these this is your body and your mind working together and being like i think we're ready you know what i mean like subconsciously well no it's your body telling you're ready whereas

your mind clearly isn't uh yeah but i think like i think that that mental aspect of things i think you can put like mental roadblocks in the way. You know what I mean? Like, I think it sounds like literally says she's nervous. Yeah. So, um, but what I'm saying is, is I think she's like, I think you've like mentally been like, I'm ready for sex and you're just nervous about having it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Which means you're mentally not ready. I think like you're maybe like consciously and unconsciously like consciously she's nervous and doesn't want to have it but unconsciously either way i think it's just the fact you're in a relationship and things are good so you want to fuck yeah it seems like you're it seems very self-evident why you're super horny is because yeah you want to have sex you want to fuck this dude or girl i don't know if it's best for us, which is, which is like, you're in a good position. Like there's, there's nothing wrong with it.

It's like this person is doing it for you. So you horny. Yeah. That's great. Um, that's, that's a, that's a great position to be in as someone who hasn't had sex.

Yes. Like a lot of people tend to have sex, uh, when they don't want to, or when they're not ready because they kind of want to like get it over with or they feel pressured or they think that like they have to yeah this seems to be like your partner seems to be on board with taking it slow and regardless of how much he wants to fuck you which i'm sure he's probably on the same level as you yeah um but you guys are like taking it slow

and taking it easy and like seems you're still satisfying each other orally yeah but your your body is being like, I want it. Yeah. I want that. You're just horny for your new partner. That makes a lot of sense. There's no mystery here. Yeah.

And like, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's like also watching porn and masturbating is a completely normal, fine, healthy part of being in a relationship and being a sexual creature. So there's no,

you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed of that if that's something you're also dealing with. Yeah. that's cool um you're you're doing all right you're good you're good and when you get to that point when you're ready it's gonna be great yeah because you can be so hopped up um i will say however and this is the reason i brought it up um do not equate porn sex with real sex oh Oh. If you're only sort of... Well, okay. Like, if your introduction to sex is watching a lot of porn, or, like, you might feel inclined to mimic what you see.

Yeah, it's nothing like real sex. Yeah, no. I mean, like, if you're watching some, like, amateur stuff or, like, some of the more female-produced stuff. like real sex yeah no i mean like if you're watching some like amateur stuff or like some of the more female everything is it's produced like even at the very best it's still one performative and two like for a certain medium a certain market and all that shit like manufactured and yeah um and the first time you have it like there's a reason virginity lost sex isn't all that popular i'm sure it exists. I know it exists.

But like, it's awkward and it's clumsy. And like, you guys are going to like bonk heads and like knock teeth and maybe get in the wrong hole. You know what I mean? Like, there's maybe get their butt pregnant. Yeah. Like, there's a bunch of shit that's going to happen that's not going to be reflected in the porn you're probably watching. Yeah. I would say sex does not equate porn like pretty much ever.'s a very good rule to all everyone should know that however did it not just

say we haven't had penetrative sex yet like as in in this new relationship i got the impression they'd already fucked um we haven't had penetrative sex yet because i'm very news i mean yeah maybe they maybe they're not virgins or it could be that they're virgins who knows yeah i don't know either way it's a good fucking rule of law to just get out there yeah it was something that I was like oh like I just want to make sure like if like your mental

incline towards penetrative sex is sort of like fueled by porn there might be those that inclination to try to mimic it yeah and where it's like it can be fun like once you're a little more comfortable with each other it could be fun to like you know try to sort it. Yeah. And where it's like, it can be fun, like once you're a little more comfortable with each other, it could be fun to like,

you know, try to sort of satisfy those like, you know, subconscious fantasies he might have about like having that porn-esque sex. And you can also like,

you can, you can get ideas from porn if you want to, but like just once you're not like, this is what life is, you know, it's very, very much.

As long as you know that like. It's a theatrical fabrication. Yeah. As long as you know that it's not a like a life imitates art situation like it's the same way martial arts movies are the same as real life fights they're really not yeah they're clumsy awkward and look dumb yeah it's you know and now they're real fights are not choreographed with like perfect blows it's just people fucking flailing like dumb asses yeah so yeah uh you seem to you seem to be doing fine uh just keep taking your time and when you're ready enjoy it yeah again this actually leads in or your point just there leads into this by doubled 33 i'm embarrassed by the way i orgasm 22 year old female the embarrassment is so intense

i've never been able to orgasm with a partner. I don't have typical porn star orgasms, hence the tie-in. Rather, my body thrashes, and I basically look like I'm being possessed by a demon. I know what I like, I can orgasm easily during masturbation, but throw a partner in the mix and I lock up. At this point, I've been faking orgasms for years. I don't want my significant other to think I'm not enjoying it in intimacy with him, because I am, but I worry they won't find it attractive if he sees me essentially having a mini seizure and completely losing control of the muscles of my legs i also worry if i reveal that i've been faking orgasms it will cause irreparable damage to our relationship any and all advice as to how i can overcome this problem is appreciated so i think there is a very clear kind of example of porn getting in the way

because they're like shit i don't do it like that which can i can i just say that like you see somebody lose control that's the hottest shit the porn that i like watching is like also yeah like when the porn stars like the the female are like it's visible that they are also receiving pleasure is the porn that i actually enjoy so like well i think like this person is saying like in terms of it's just a little messy and like kind of flayly as opposed to there are a bunch of porn stars that are like true but i'm like i think porn in general it's a lot of like it's a lot of noise it's very much like yeah there's there's kind of this like uh i don't know like just uh neat

yeah it's a neat little package. Yeah. Because again, it's theatrical acting. So like the very fact that she's mentioning this in like the first or the second paragraph or second sentence, uh, it's clear that that's kind of one of the things she's hung up on, but like, you know, what's hot as fuck seeing somebody not be able to control themselves. Yeah. Cause like anytime you, you you're like i did that it's the best i rendered you useless for a couple seconds that's fucking awesome yeah like if you're enjoying yourself so and also let's be fair like people everybody kind of orgasms like that their their legs are going everywhere their hips are bucking you're about to lose a tooth like it's it's wild

yep and yeah but like it can be hard it can be hard to keep that finger where it should be or that dick where it should be or like maintain that rhythm and like you learn to deal with that but if it's happening while you're orgasming it's like yeah you don't need to keep shit anywhere like you've done it well you don't want to stop come on i know you can keep pressure we're not ruining orgasms here dave but at the same time it's like if she needs to like i know exactly lose her shit letter exactly but that's the. Like you need to know that is okay. Any expression of your pleasure, your partner's going to fucking love. Unless it's wild.

Like unless you're like, I fucking hate your family. They suck. And you're like, what? It's like, sorry, that's how I come. If you have like a pillow knife that you just break out and just get stabby with. Don't get stabby. Don't get like family detrimentally. Like just, you're good.

Yeah, as long as you're not causing like physical danger to yourself or your partner, like go fucking buck wild. Who cares? And you know who cares? Your partner. But in a good way. Yeah, they want it to happen.

There's nothing better than seeing your partner just fucking like leave. They've left this earth for a minute. Yeah. And you're like, yeah. But there's another part of the question. Oh? How does she get over the faking orgasm pit?

And I have a solution for this. Okay. Knock him out. If he's unconscious and you orgasm while he's in the room, you've almost done it in front of him. Nope. I think my idea... Oh, my God.

Instead of a knife under the pillow, get a little blackjack, just clunk, give him a little bonk. Yeah. And be like, whoa, did you just come too?

Me too. Wow, crazy. Like, wow, it's so weird that your orgasms start to make you unconscious, but mine seem to have made me flail. And say something about

aliens coming down, altering the... But here's the thing here's the thing you've touched yeah you get a hat almost on on the idea get drunk um no just it i mean she says she hasn't been able to so like try something new try a new position try a toy try something and be like whoa that's never happened you know what I mean? And sort of act as if you unlocked it. Like you don't need to tell him that you've been faking it. Like there's no good is going to come from that. And there's no harm in keeping it.

Unless you guys are like swept under the rug. If you guys are really, really close and you can actually be like properly honest with them. I don't think there'd be a harm in being like, I want to talk to you. Yeah. And just be like, look,

it's really weird, but blah, blah, blah. And like, let it out there and let them know. And if they know, like, if you're being like honest, being like, look, it's just one of those things I've been really hung up about. And like, I have kind of like, just, you don't necessarily say fake the orgasm. You just be like, I've never really let myself go. Yeah. Because like, and that's the thing.

I've always had a restraint. Yeah. You can phrase it a way that still gets the point across but like is going to be received better it's not lying either right yeah uh because you haven't let yourself go and just be like look i really want to work through this and like and if they're cool like i'm sure it'll be fine you the only issue is you don't then want to put so much pressure on your next orgasm yeah uh so maybe it is better to try work through it yourself first and that's the thing if you do just try some new things yeah and then like that's a really good point when you feel yourself going just just go and like lose and like i can

almost guarantee you like 99 he's gonna be like what the fuck did i just like what did i do you make sure the new thing is something you like because he's gonna want to do that all the time then that's the thing yeah it's uh if you try something weird that you don't like he's gonna be like no no let's go back to that and you'll be like fuck yeah now i'm stuck doing a cleveland steamer um yeah just just let yourself loose yeah like this is the thing it's gonna be better for everybody yeah and also if you come and your legs shake a bit and he's like, what the fuck? Then you've done yourself a favor. Get a new guy.

And then you can start fresh. Also, I promise you. He will not. I can almost promise you with utmost certainty that no guy is ever going to care that you have extreme orgasm. Yeah. Nobody's going to be sad that they made you come real hard. Yeah. I'm going to be like, yeah.

It's the best feeling. It's like the most, it's like every sort of validation that men need it's like a boxer fighting and when he like he beats him in the first round they're like oh man you just punched too hard and he's like oh it's like you've got the best punches in the world oh shit how about i maybe lose this fight no yeah I'll knock you the fuck out. Yeah, he's gonna just TKO your ass. Your... Or your... Yeah, maybe that.

Have an assgasm. Assgasm. Alright. Man of Reddit. How do you handle completely losing trust in someone you love? By Logan the Hermit. Hmm. I lost trust in my ex.

And that led to our breakup. I still love her and I definitely care about her. We still talk sometimes. And it's really hard on me when she says she'll call me when she gets home, but it's 2am and still no call, I worry myself sick about her. I always doubt her excuses. I worry she was making a poor decision or putting herself in danger or something else she doesn't want me to know. I'm rambling now, but I don't know what to do.

Please share your stories. Oh man, it's... She's your ex for a reason? Mm-hmm. And I think you need to cut ties it's yeah yeah look at look at your neck what's that it's a tie get your scissors cut it yeah cut all your ties yeah like you you can't like that this is classic like somebody wants to have their cake and eat it because they're free and i assume they've done something to break your trust, which is probably cheating. Yeah.

So now they're off. They can have all the relationships they want, but they're still going to talk to you and get that emotional kind of like buffer. And then when you want any reciprocation, like, oh, when you're home safe, like, let me know. They're just don't give a shit about your feelings. Somebody doesn't care enough about you. I'll see you're broken up. Like you do need space to read next it's one thing if like a couple years later you reconnect and like yeah and you guys are cool again that's fine but like she's literally getting all the benefits of dating

you without having to date you yeah and also like i assume you broke up for a reason and that reason is probably enough reason to not talk to them yeah it doesn't matter if you still love them because obviously they suck enough that they should be your ex that you need to move on and you can't move on when you're waiting at 2 a.m for them to call you yeah that's the thing it's you're you're on like this hook and you you need to cut the line and swim away yeah you're you're there are so many fish in the ocean and you need to be one of them yeah Yeah. Yeah, you literally, it's rare that people tell you to be one of the fish. Usually they say there's plenty of fish. But no, no, you need to rejoin the fish.

Yeah. Swim with the fishes. And get off this girl's line. Yeah. Because, yeah, like you said she did something to break your trust. And you guys are exes. And also. So something has happened.

Even if you weren't. Sorry, I cut you off um no i mean like yeah like something has happened here that you can still love someone that you have broken up with you know it's it's a completely possible thing to do but it's also one of those things where like you might just be in love with the thought of being together or what you guys had and like no what, even if it's a bad relationship, if it's over, you're going to feel that giant gaping void in your life because you have cut out that,

uh, a shape from your life. That's that person shaped. You know what I mean? If you met up with them four days a week, all of a sudden you've four days of like void. Right. And like,

that's understandable. Even if it's bad, it was still a thing you were used to. It's still like a giant schedule change, a giant rhythm change. Like you need to fill those and you can't hang on to the bad stuff and like, try and fill it that way. You need to move on. But the thing is, even if you weren't broken up, if you've lost trust with somebody, you can't date someone you don't trust. Yeah. Like, and I was, that was why I chose this question initially, because I saw that title and I was like this is self-evident but then

it got different because you actually have broken up which became a different question but like you can't date somebody don't trust no you trust or you don't yeah hate them and if you're not dating them there's nothing wrong provide them the emotional support yeah if you were dating them it's like emotionally cripple yourself either because you're not gonna have the time or energy for anybody else when you're still hanging on somebody else. And like this betrayal or this lack of trust and this sort of like abuse of your affection and time and everything is just going to manifest on your next relationship. You're going to come to expect it as the norm, which is a really, really toxic. Sort of. Because you're going to throw all this baggage.

On your next partner. And it's probably going to end terribly. Well that. That's another good point. Is like. No matter how badly your relationship ends. Try not let that color your next one. Because that happens to so many people.

Yeah. And it really sucks. Like. And if it happens again. Like fuck it. All you can do is be. The one who's trustworthy. Yeah. And if they're not. That doesn't mean the next you can do is be the one who's trustworthy. Yeah.

And if they're not, that doesn't mean the next person isn't going to be. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like you, it's really, really easy to cut your next relationship when you don't let your past relationship end. Yeah. You also need to let that fucking go. You just sort of bled like a bad relationship and then you just stay with that ex for whatever reason.

And you just bleed it into you find a new person and like wean yourself off the old relationship into the new relationship. You haven't have time to like recenter yourself, get back to neutral, sort of purge your deal out. You need you time. Like you need to cut cut her off and again like she's already done something bad but she's now continuing to like every she's ongoing hurting you you're saying like every time like and even simple things where it's like you have a conversation she says she'll tell you when she gets home safe i'm won't like that's not nice yeah or like just she's hooking up with someone and it's forgotten exactly but either way either it's malicious or she doesn't

care about you or both. That's the thing. Like, either she's doing it so that like, you wonder like, oh, I know she's fucking someone

or I wonder if she's okay. Like, you literally just need to be like, hey, we're over. I need some time to myself. I would like to,

I would like to maybe maintain a relationship with you in the future, but right now, I need to sort of recenter myself and sort of get over you yeah you know what i mean and like i promise you what it sounds like this girl she's gonna like

try to convince you otherwise yeah and it might even be like maybe we should get back together you know what i mean don't fall for it do not fall for this trick um it's a trap um because just like stop for a second to remember everything prior to that none of this happened by accident um and be like no no, thank you. We've had our run. I need some time alone. And it might be worth, you know, maybe deleting her number.

Like if you really have that bad sort of self-control, block her on Facebook, take her off Instagram, erase her Snapchat, delete her number. Well, that's the thing. I promise you a person like this

won't let you go either. They will maybe be like, yeah, cool. And then in a week, like, oh, hey, are you around? Or like you around or like do you mind if we talk or like oh what are you up to or like how are you doing suddenly you'll get the like i miss you snapchat yeah lingerie and like you're there's always going to be something and a lot of it is going to be like turning it back on you like when you say you need space you're like what like we can't be friends like or what like blah blah blah or like oh really but like the needing space and the needing time to yourself is not rare it's basically universal it's like one of the most expected things whenever anybody breaks up so don't let somebody make you feel

weird for doing it because i've had people even be like oh what we can't like we have to like not talk now and like almost turn it like you're being an asshole. And it's like, you need space and you need time. And it's the only way you're going to move forward. And it's, it's easy to feel this way, but it's not selfish to take care of yourself. Yeah. A lot of people will try to spin that.

And a lot of people will sort of like, uh, try to insinuate that looking after yourself and your emotional health and mental health is sort of like selfish, especially when it comes to the detriment to like whatever they want. And the thing is, I think sometimes it's easy to feel selfish because like a lot of what you do, especially when you love someone is like, you kind of put yourself out for them or you're willing to like, take that bullet or put yourself, whatever, like a healthy relationship. You should be like,

like I'd do anything for Amanda. You know what I mean? Like, and that's a part of like a healthy relationship you should be with like like i'd do anything for amanda you know what i mean like and and that's a part of like a healthy relationship is knowing that like you're willing to make sacrifices for the person you love but it has to be a two-way street and that's the thing if they're not willing to take the sacrifice to let you take time to heal yeah then they're they're not on the same level you're not in the same relationship and that's the thing if they cared about you they would respect your wishes to have that space too yeah and if they don't that's just further indication that they cared about you, they would respect your wishes to have that space too. Yeah. And if they don't, that's just further indication that you need it.

Like if I, like if a man and I had plans and I was like, maybe I'm like, I'm burnt out. If I like work too much or something, I'm just like,

I just need the night to myself to just relax. I would guarantee you, unless it was like something that we've been planning forever, you know what I mean? She might be disappointed, but she would understand.

She would be like, absolutely, like take care of yourself. And I'd be the same way like if we had plans to do something and she was like i've got a really good opportunity to do something at burlesque or like i just i like i'm just exhausted and i need time to fucking relax i'd be like absolutely take care of yourself because it's it's just gonna lead to stress down the line if if you haven't let your partner or the person you love recover from whatever and it could be exhaustion it could be heartbreak you know

anything anything get your tie cut it cut them ties yeah you need you need to and take care of yourself and like just have have self-worth like realize that you're allowed to to have your own space your own time your own own healing, all these things. There's going to be nothing better than when, maybe not immediately, but soon you're going to feel like you've cut dead weight off. You've let go of that heavy backpack you've been carrying around. Yeah, you'll finally have more time for friends. You'll have more time for things that you want to do.

Invest that time because you have something rare. We've talked about this before. All of a sudden you have that time and that sucks it's that like void that they used to fill it's that pain it's that like not really knowing what to do with yourself but on the other hand you have free time which most people don't have ever you can now you can build right you can get better at your life you can spend more time with your friends you can like go see more movies or like read more or like as long as you're not actively trying to just replace that person with another person yeah and like um unless you like there's healthy ways like you know if you find someone great you know but again don't try to replace that person no build something new with the new person exactly and you also do need time like in general like some

people's timelines are different hopefully you know yourself yourself, but like, you know what I mean? Don't jump into another relationship. Don't rebound too heavily. You know what I mean? Um, especially when things get serious. Anyway, just take care of yourself, but try and invest that time in good stuff. It's the best way to do it. Yeah. Build new. Don't, don't like build on top of a shitty foundation. Sort of strike it new. Scorched scorched earth policy yeah and begin and begin from from scratch yeah all right i think that'll do it let's let's uh get some thank yous going yeah um josh eagle in the harvard cities thank you very much song paper stars you are great i'm actually i actually really like the song i think every time i hear the new album too hell yeah i think i saw that on twitter um which is pretty cool that's pretty cool um so

i know every time i hear it i really like it yeah it's it's funny because like i forget how the rest of the song goes because i've never listened to the full song um i'm so sorry it's it's wild every now and then like i'll i'll have like because i have the whole song yeah like on the on the uh the timeline and i just have the clip that we use um and i'm like oh yeah that's what it sounds like i should listen to it um yeah thanks thanks josh yeah um also thank you guys for listening yeah thank you everyone for listening thank you for our very first actual question we've gotten on facebook yeah from from like a stranger yeah um well i guess apart from uh agent cody wanks but oh he never he never propositions. Yeah.

He also didn't try to fuck us. So I guess the first person who listened to what we said, uh, and I hope that situation does work out and we respect that. Yeah. Um, and, and thank you for everyone who's, who's stuck with us and, and sent all the good shit about, uh, Kyle's pride episode last week. Thank you. Everyone who shared it.

Anyone who listened, any new listeners, welcome aboard. If you listen to another one. I know there's no Kyle, so I'm sorry. There's only room. It's a tight fit in this closet. We're going to get him back as many times as we can. He will be back. I can promise you that. Don't worry.

I want to do like an Avengers will return, but with Kyle. Yeah. Crawford will return. I do want to say, I don't understand everything because I don't have an Apple phone, but I think iTunes has been phased out and Apple Podcasts has replaced it. Okay. And our iTunes reviews and ratings

have not carried over. Oh no. So we kind of have to start over again. So if you've rated us on iTunes, thank you very much. If you have an Apple device, and I think it's only Apple, I don't think, like, you can do it on any other platform.

So we have a bunch of listeners who can't help us here. So if you're listening on an Apple platform, please head over to the Apple Podcasts app and give us a new rating and review because we're back down to like two ratings or whatever and we had like a bunch on iTunes, which kind of sucks. So please, if you enjoy the podcast,

take two seconds when you load us up for the week to just hit that five stars and maybe leave us a review. Appreciate it. Also, like if you want to just share a little status, share an episode, send it to a friend, whatever. We're trying to like the more people listen, the easier episode, send it to a friend, whatever, you know, we're, we're trying to like the, the more people listen, the easier it's going to be for us to like,

you know, make something of this and like return to it. Like we, we haven't missed a week yet, which is, it's crazy. Yeah. We're,

we're heading into like a year of, of just never missing it, which is fucking insane. Um, but we do like a little bit of housekeeping. We are planning on, on pitching to some networks as well. And like the,

the more buzz we can get for ourselves, uh, the better that'll be. And then what that means is like, we'll be able to do better shit and like do some cooler shit. And like more shit, hopefully. And like maybe get other guests on and maybe we'll be able to sort of

expand our, uh, our show in ways that we can't right now. So, um, anything you do, whether it's leaving a review or telling a friend

or sharing it on Facebook or Twitter or anything, really helps out. And if you enjoy the show, it'll only benefit you in return. Yeah, hopefully. Unless we sell out, which we will.

Yeah, we will 100%. Second we can. The Pepsi Cola sex went minute. So we're your pickup artists dan and nyle here oh man we should street d and uh pity ann i don't know pretty ann also all the bullshit products we've pretended we're gonna sell in store i i literally if we if we start to make money off this thing i will make make these products. We'll have to go through and re-listen to everything.

Yeah. But if you have a question, you can hit us up on Facebook. You can find us at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You don't have to ask us for sex first. You can just ask us a question. Yeah. Honestly, I think we'd prefer if you just – actually, maybe not. We get to laugh at you a little bit.

Yeah, I don't know. At this point, I think I'd be weirded out if you didn't. Yeah, but please don't. Please don't. You can also find us on Twitter. For whatever reason, you don't have to ask a question. Just say hello. You can say hi.

Go like our shit. Yeah. Also, we did ask a question. So last week we had this thing about gay characters in media. So we did post up a question on Twitter asking for any additional input to our to our list because it's incomplete. Also, we forgot to mention Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yeah. And that's just fucking baller.

One of the best. Like you have a super gay captain and a bisexual detective. It's like and like they've done it so well that their sexualities has nothing to do with. That's the thing. I think it's easy to almost just like overlook it because it's not like they're not throwing your face and underlining it and being like look yeah they're just people which is how it should be yeah like everyone's just like there's like just so many references to especially like holt's relationship with his husband also holt isn't like he isn't like a stereotype he's just holt i know you know what

i mean like that's what i really like you know captain holt is probably one of the best written sitcom characters oh he's so good because he's the straight man who's also absurd yeah you know what i mean like his like he is the the character who's like who doesn't make jokes but he's one of the fucking funniest characters on the show whoever wrote him is just it's delightful wild and and andre i don't remember such a good fucking actor he nails it it's it's one of the one of the most like bizarre yeah it shouldn't work and it does but also everything he said every literally every line he does is just fucking perfect like every every line he says is a joke like yeah you know i mean like is its own punchline yeah it's insane and it's great i love he's so good. But yes, add to it.

Add to it. FCK underscore buddies, and you can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Cool. Well, we shied along for long enough. You ready for some sex writing? Oh, God, yes.

Nile's been teasing me. He's been just little flicks of pleasure all week about this sex writing writing so i'm so excited oh man i hope i hope you guys like it as much as i do because this uh this kind of blew my mind um i was not expecting this to be a thing so this isn't fiction this is non-fiction. Okay. This is a love letter written in 1909 on the 8th of December by a very famous author. Okay. To his lady. Do you want me to name the author or do you want to guess?

I'll guess afterwards. Alright. My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling.

My prick was stuck up in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat, sweaty buttocks under my in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat, sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you, your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips, and if I gave you a bigger, stronger fuck than usual, fat, dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arseful of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you. Big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks, and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her.

I think I would know Nora's farts anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a room of farting women. It was a rather girlish noise, not like the wet, windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty, like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of farts in my face, so that I may know their smell also. You say when I go back you will suck me off, and you want me to lick your cunt, you depraved little blackguard? I hope you will surprise me sometime when I am asleep, dressed. Steal over me with a whore's glow in your slumbrous eyes.

Gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers. And gently take out your lover's fat mickey. Lap it up in your moist mouth. And suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Just comes off in your mouth just comes off sometimes too i shall surprise you asleep lift up your skirts and open your harsh drawers gently then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily around your bush you'll begin to stir uneasily then i will lick the lips of my darling's cunt you've been to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Now I'll lick you up faster and faster like a ravenous dog till your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling

wildly. Good night, my farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird. There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that in yourself, sweetly, Dirtier Dirtier by James Joyce. Who has a gigantic fart fetish? Does he? I didn't notice. Isn't that fucking weird?

That's fucking wild. That's buck wild. Also, how is it farting if he's fucking around the ass? Like queefing, but I guess? I don't know. It's coming out around his... I don't know. Also how is it farting if he's fucking her in the ass? Like queefing but I guess I don't know it's coming out around his I don't know Why is he so into farts? Why is this woman farting so much?

I don't know What does she fart with pleasure even when he's just licking her out? Yeah Is that a thing? If you fart with pleasure let Dane know Why me? Because I see you're into it Jesus Yeah that's fucking wild Yeah Why me? Because I see you're into it.

Jesus. Yeah, that's fucking wild. Yeah. Well, I mean, do you have a Dan about farts? Dan is a fart. He's the man version of a fart. He's just a fart that has coalesced into sentience. Dan didn't actually do one this week.

So I'm going to have to delve into the depths if you want one. Yeah, oh, I want one. You know what? Do you want to do one? Yes. No, do you want to do one? I don't want to, but we need to. No, but do you want to do one? Oh, you want me to read one?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Dan says, Why didn't my girlfriend give me a proper reason for breaking up with me? I don't know. There's so proper reason for breaking up with me? I don't know There's so many about him breaking up with his girlfriend There's so many What I love is like

Why do women act like they don't care after you break up? What I love is he didn't say why didn't she give me a reason He said proper reason I think Dan lives a very sad life Yeah And I wonder if it's maybe his horrific treatment of women that's gotten him there It could be Who knows?

We'll never know My name is Dan Miller And and i'm now spain and we fucking love you we are your fuck buddies i'm getting