F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 42 - Eat An Ass, Save A Life

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Do we ever get into it today, friends.  If there was a checklist of things you'd want us to talk about on our podcast, I'm going to assume we've checked all of those boxes.  Flaccid dicks, butthole eating, how much Joseph Heller's books suck, we got it all.  And to top it all off, we've got a brand new porn review that might be just a little bit racist.  Topics include the Tale of Rimjob Rob, how to pronounce your name right, increasing sexual stamina with unsexy thoughts, reverse pick-up lines, competing with other men in REAL TIME, demanding nudes, and post-sex penis stroking.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love Hello friends Jesus Welcome Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller.

You better not cut that out. I won't. Maybe I will. And we're back in cahoots. Back in the closet. And back invested in your love lives. You didn't even introduce the show. They know.

So you... You know. If you don't know, why are you starting on this episode you fool I mean that's a good point Yeah you're not going to get any of our dumb ass jokes We're a dating and sex advice podcast Where we take your sticky sexy situations And turn them into sexy sticky situations

And we are your fuck buddies There it is Damn it there's something I wanted to talk about And now I don't remember what it is I feel like this happens to me every week Along with dropping your phone Although I don't remember what it is i feel like this happens to me every week yeah yeah um along with dropping your phone yeah although i don't think i've done that well that's a couple episodes you just edit out you asshole i don't know all i know is i'm hella sore because i think

i've mentioned it before but i've jacked up my uh my right hand and uh i've switched over to southpaw and yesterday was my first day training as a southpaw and like it's just a whole new like hurt yeah because it's like everything's now reversed also i have like the balance of a toddler in high heels so we're all good terrible no toddlers are like dogs like puppies right you drop puppy in the ocean and just start swimming it's like instinctual same with uh toddlers you put them on high heels high heels instantly walk it's when you get a little older um that you you've lost that kind of instinctual you know for some reason when you said put a puppy in an ocean i just pictured it like constantly barrel rolling in the water oh no and i don't know why i thought that was a thing but i'm just just picturing a golden retriever just like... I probably love that. Just infinitely like spinning.

And it's just really cute. You're really cute. Thanks. Hey, let's do this shit. All right, let's get right into it. Hell yeah. You want to go first? Huh?

You want to go first? Are you saying, do you want to go first? Do I want to go first? Do you want to go first? I'll go first. How safe are rim jobs? Just getting into anal play and my girlfriend enjoys having her ass licked. People always say ass to mouth should be avoided.

How is a rim job any different? I'm worried now about licking her ass and swallowing the spit in my mouth and getting sick. Is this actually something to be worried about? Do people always say ass to mouth should be avoided? When do people say that? I think, I don't know if it's a health thing. I think people are just like, hey, if something's been in a butt, don't put it in your mouth. That's fair.

Yeah, rim jobs are the number one killer, actually, in Chicago. You laugh, but it's terrible. Actually, was this New York or Chicago? I don't remember. I think it was New York where we learned the story of Rim Job Rob. Oh, Rim Job Rob. I saw this, and I was like we learned the story of Rim Job Rob. Oh, Rim Job Rob. I saw this and I was like, we have to tell Rim Job Rob. So first things first, I'm going to get this out of the way.

Rim jobs can be dangerous. With new partners, it's a really good way to get hepatitis and other stomach bacterial diseases like E. coli. Someone's been doing this Rim Job research. I did some Rim Job research. It's a new segment. Here job research but segment here's the thing here's the thing and i learned a new turn that i'm kind of in love with if you were in a committed monogamous relationship chances are you and your partner are going to have very similar anal flora oh um so it's it's progressively uh safer to do the longer you're with a single partner.

So, like, you run the risk. It's a higher risk. But wait, how is your partner single if they're your partner? No, a single partner. Yeah, how are they single if you're – it's a catch-22. You can never have safe rim jobs. I'm pretty sure that's what that book is all about. It is.

It's a guy just trying to rim someone. Trying to lick someone's ass. Just trying to sink up that anal flora so you can just get that dirty tongue licking um i actually hate that guy all that goes books can't stand them you go fuck your own self he's so good joseph feller he's so good catch 22 is like the funniest thing in the world i couldn't get into it there's another book called something happened i think yeah that that book's fucking wild i fucking hated it i couldn't finish it. I will say, it took me...

It's the only book I had to put down and pick up later on because the main character is, like, so awful. But he's so awful in, like, the deepest, darkest thoughts you've had, you can still kind of see where he's coming from. He's like a dark universe Michael Scott.

Kind of? Like, he's so awkward and, like, socially unaware of everything but like michael scott before he was a boss yeah um but it's so good like the the first two parts of the book because it's like the first bit's like his childhood second bit's work and that's like my kids and my wife and something else um the work one and the like childhood ones are fucking golden his work on especially where he just just does a deep dive on every person and every other person's relationship to that person in the office. It's just so funny.

And it's so fucking true. It's crazy. Yeah, I couldn't stand it. Oh, man. When did you read them? A while ago. I was an adult. I think if you reread that part, maybe you'd enjoy it.

I don't know. Either way, I love this shit. But like something happened gets real grim and real. Just like you feel dirty reading it. Yeah. I don't mean like the kind of like James Joyce letter dirty. I mean, just like the, I hit someone with my car and decided to drive away dirty. So the good kind of dirty.

So back to Dirty Butthorse. Do we stay in the Rim Drop Rob story story we can't like uh we can't just name drop it and not oh yeah we're 100 gonna say have you ever seen that my favorite murder podcast they do that all the time oh they're like oh my god like that's the murder with like the owl was the main suspect and then they just talk about how they can't fit fix like their garden fence and they just move on and then the podcast over and you're like you can't fix their garden fence, and they just move on, and then the podcast's over. And you're like, you can't drop a murder where an owl was the prime suspect and just fucking not explain it. Also, that is a thing.

It's a famous murder in America where one of the theories, one of the main theories is that she wasn't, in fact, murdered, but she was attacked by an owl and killed. So the next question comes from Right User. See what I did there? Yeah, so Rim Job Rob. So here's how Rim Jobs can actually save a life. You know what we should do? You know that show where it's like, have you ever cycled down the highway at night and then they move into, like, a cautionary tale? I don't know specifically what show you're talking about, but I understand the trope, yes.

We should do it. Intro of the story that way. I'm going to hand it over to you. Okay. Have you ever... I'll be right back. Go for it, Dave. Have you ever eaten ass? In a summer camp? By the wild light

of the moon? Tell the story. Go um so what happened was uh we were we were going to an adult summer camp and uh i guess you know these two people they were drunk they hooked up um the the lady ate uh this gentleman named rob's butthole uh and agent rob agent rob um and then when she got back home um from the trip she started feeling like real shitty uh no no pun intended no pun ingested and uh and like her stomach was causing her all kinds of trouble and she was like god damn it i've caught some horrible disease from that strange man's butthole um so she went to go get you know checked out of the doctor and it turned out uh she had like stomach cancer she had a tumor in there and uh because she went to get it checked

out uh it it was able to be caught early enough that it didn't become anything too serious it was removed no problem and she was fine like it was one of those cases where like she didn't feel great but obviously didn't feel horrendous but because of what she'd done yeah she went and like got herself checked out where usually she would just like suffered through those things and yeah they caught it in time and you finish those camps like now and i've done them twice now you feel like shit yeah you you leave those camps for like if it's us eight nine days yeah so you're you're like just hammered and just physically exhausted and mentally wrecked they're also the best thing the reason you're so exhausted is because all the fun has left your body because you've used it all up yeah um but yeah it takes

some recovery time so like i would if i got back from camp and felt like shit, I would just be like, yeah, makes sense. I just shrugged my diary away for like a week. So maybe every now and then, eat an ass, see what happens. Yeah, maybe it'll save your life. Best advice I think we've ever given. Yeah. We're moving on? Yep.

All right. I have an agent question. So this is from Agent Valkyrie. And they say, I'm a girl and I'm not white. A lot of times I've gotten the response, but how does your family pronounce it? When I tell a guy my name, it's the worst. How do I respond to this? I mean, this is a really hard question to answer when I don't know their name.

It's not wild. Okay. But like, even still, it's like, if you ask someone their name it's not wild okay but like even even still it's like if you ask someone their name and they're like oh this is my name but then you're just kind of like racially assuming that that's not their name um but i mean like there are there are some names that are very clearly like have like french names for instance like the r's are rolled you know i mean stuff like that um i'm i'm gonna just assume that if anyone ever gives you the way their name it's probably yes how they want you to

call them yeah no one's gonna be like i'm just saying like if you look at look at a sheet and it's like true but and you see like it's got like a really a very obviously like name and i'm not i'm trying i'm not excusing this behavior sounds like you're excusing this behavior i'm just saying it's it's tough to know if there's any sort of like you know foundation for confusion in this case there is not okay no like it's but it's one of those things where like surely if i talk to someone they're like oh my name is florent you know i'm not gonna be like oh florent you know it's like if they're telling me what how they want their name to be pronounced i'm assuming that's how they want their name to be pronounced yeah and if it is the case where like they're sick of trying to explain it and they're just going to give you a name for

now if you get to know them better i'm sure they will be like you know what actually i do this is how i actually go by or whatever that's kind of a damn thing and that's pretty fucking racist for you to just assume like you're a different ethnicity this isn't your real name is it like um so how do you respond just make up an almost unpronounceable name and give it to them and then let them struggle with it be like oh thank you very much for asking my name is actually and then just say something maybe if you do speak like if you do have a native language or a second language uh just come up with like a really hard to pronounce word in there and be like, there it is. I just like teach people some weird ass fucking Irish words.

Yeah. Like green graphidoric. Yeah. That means photograph. I think what you do is you go, oh my God, I'm so glad you, so glad you asked. Like not a lot of people realize that. And you say, okay, I'm going to say it like it's hard to pronounce. You're going to, you're going to like repeat after me.

And you say, I'm. And they go, I'm going to say it like it's hard to pronounce. You're going to repeat after me. And you say, I'm. And they go, I'm. Ad. Ad. Ick. Ick. And I just say it all together. I'm a dick.

And then you go, yeah, you are. And you puff into smoke and you fly away because you're the anti-racism genie. And then they learn. Yeah. Or maybe just run away and scream scream like i'll never tell you my true name or like you know i mean like names hold power oh my god yeah double down on like this fucking like summoned creature like thing where you just like what do you want to know who told you i'll never tell yeah i'm not falling for your tricks again. Throw sand in his eyes.

It's been a thousand years and no one's answered. Yeah. You think that's the best someone's hit me with to figure out my true name? You fucking scrub. Did my father send you? I was tortured by the Spanish Inquisition for decades. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. No.

And just like, yeah, just play into this fiction that they've racially created. Or just massively call them out and be like, why would you assume I have a different name? Yeah. Like literally just be like, oh, why would I have a different name? Yeah. Just be like, well, what do you mean? Yeah. My friend actually does this all the time whenever she's a redhead.

And anytime anyone says, says hey does the curtain or curtains match the drapes or like any sort of bullshit just be like what do you mean and they're like you know does this curtain what curtains and then she literally until they either have to explain that they're being like i want to know what color your pubic hair is or they just get so uncomfortable and they just like freeze up and like, just like they catch on that she's calling them out. Yeah. But it's such like, it's such like a safe way to do it too.

Like they're not really going to get mad at her. No. You know what I mean? Like it's like, you're just feigning ignorance. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's, and it's, it's fucking glorious. It's great.

People, people get away with so much shit and they deserve to be called out and like making someone explain, because I feel like a lot of people don't actually think about the things they do or say or take things for granted. Like, does the curtain match your drapes? It's like a funny thing. People have been saying since they were like fucking 11 or some bullshit when they heard some older douchebag say it.

So they've never really thought about it. And if you're like, explain to me what you want. And they have to go, oh, I want to know what color your pubes are, and you look at them, then they realize, okay, well, they should. That's a really fucking bizarre thing to be asking somebody. That's a fucking crazy thing to request. Hey, nice to meet you, man.

Like, what color are them pubes? Hey, Steven, good to meet you. I see here you're extremely qualified, but there's one thing that you didn't put down on your resume. It's just, what color are your pubes? Well, sorry, sorry. Let me be more specific. Do they match the hair on your head? Yeah, sorry.

Are the pubes the same color as the hair that I'm seeing on your face? Or are they a different color? Is there a differential between armpits? I would just like a head-to-toe gradient scale of what color your body hair is. I have a lot of... Specifically, specifically your pubes. Most importantly, yeah. I have a lot of the Dulux paint reels.

If you could just like put a pin in each one as to kind of the gradient of where that like, you know, the body hair you developed around the age of like 12? Where that went? What color? Just mark them up real quick. I've actually got Photoshop open here to the gradient tool. If you could just select the swathes.

Maybe take a picture. We'll just hit it with that magic. Do you know the hex code for your pubes? Oh my God, that's so good. I'm going to start selling

underwear with various hex codes on them and it's just gonna be your pubic color or if someone asks you i know we've switched up the question but someone asks you if they're this whatever you just give them the hex code for your pubes yeah amazing um but yeah i think that's probably the best option is like let me just be like why would it be any different why i just told you okay just play the enos game just be like what do you mean yeah why why would why would my family pronounce my name differently yeah and because like the really only answer to that is because like oh you're different ethnicity so i just figured yeah oh uh yeah fucking drop the hammer um and then and then just kind of like be like oh yeah no that's

you know what i mean just give them a gentle learning moment of say oh that's a really weird assumption yeah it's like or just that's a terrible assumption yeah um i think that's i think that's a great way to go about it yeah all right um this comes from a reddit user throwaway account. What unsexy thoughts do you use to last longer? I don't last very long during sex, and I've read that thinking about particularly unsexy things can help distract your mind and let you fuck longer. What are some of the things you think about to stop from coming?

I've always heard this thing. Wasn't it like baseball scores or some baseball stats or something? It was always like the famous movie example maybe but if you ask me a single baseball stat i couldn't tell you one yeah well we ain't baseball boys although did you watch the link i sent you yesterday no um so one that's horrendous oh the keys of the vip thing yeah was that the thing you did you say you've watched it i i didn't watch it, but that's like. But you have.

That's like the Canadian pickup artist's contribution to the world. It's wild. But at one point, it's really bad because they're, they're us. At one point. Because they all start making like all these really bad basketball references to like start talking about what's happening. Some guy's like, yo, he's going for the layup when he should have been going for slam dunk and they were like yeah but he's dunking or he's trying to but ain't the big game it's his front lawn and it's his own net and they're like yeah but he should have laid up on his own neck because you put that net up it's your front lawn

and it was just i was like oh no maybe do that maybe just like go into your head and run oh my sexual experience listen to our commentator try and make sense of any of our basketball analogies and see if our crunchy half-field dunks are even viable like steve madden like commentating on your sex have Have you ever done this? Yeah, I used to use unsexy thoughts. You know what I used to do? I used to literally just think of, like, inanimate furniture and, like, focus on it. So I would just, like, be like, chair, chair, chair.

And then, like, sometimes also I would think of old lady legs. I have definitely, I always found, like, the thought thing never really helped um i would usually like try and just slow my breathing down so i feel like if you're just going ham and you're like breathing really quickly it's like i don't know i always feel like well yeah it's like it's like when you're running low on like time in a video game and the music starts like and you like panic so your breath and your rhythm is a big part of it yeah all kind of like come up to it and like your heart and your blood and your blood and your stimulation. I don't know. Like slow your breathing.

And I think even just thinking about that takes you out of it a little bit. But anytime I have done the sexy thoughts thing, think of a grievous dick injury. You just think about like getting half cut off or something. Like that's going to take you out of it real bad. Yeah. Or like pus or something. Something's that's gonna take you out of it real bad yeah or like well you're gonna tell us or something something like a wound yeah i would also think about like like what would happen if my cat died oh i know real grim stuff so that's why dane cries during sex it's not weird it's yeah if i if we've ever slept together and i cried it was because

that pussy bomb and i was that's how it died and I was just trying to slow it down by thinking about bombing my pussy no but can we throw out just some just some terms some words some unsexy thought jump-off points for them to like grandma legs is like what are my legs that's a good example how about your own grandmother that's weird yeah that's not good and if you are turned on by that then maybe seek help i don't know um or at least like therapy um like think of think of like a tactile experience that isn't fun like someone's scratching chalk or like say you're like trying to put a shelf in and you know that rough edge of wood might you get a little splinter yeah right

in your thumb like sandpaper hand job yeah yeah just think that's that's a grievous dick injury that's true to be fair yeah um because i don't think after unless it was just one stroke and even then it's still a dick depending on the grit of that sandpaper yeah but like if it's a hand job that's more than one stroke i'm assuming i mean maybe not for this guy after i don't know with sandpaper though yeah um maybe redo in your head some of our bad sex writing but some of it is more erotic than others so you gotta especially today's one you don't want to think of that one because it's gonna make you blow your top okay but we need more cues um somebody just just say freeze like phrases just throw phrases dry eyes there you go dry eyes um beef sangria that's just amazing what now that's just terrible. Too wet melon. I think that's too sexual. Over, like over, like mushy. Almost like it's gone off.

I'm going to add to that soggy bread. Is it soggy from gravy though? No, no. Someone's just like hosing down a loaf of bread with a hose. Like a high powered fire hose. Yellow toenail. Poop fingernails. Fingernail poops. Oh, Yellow toenail. Poop fingernails. Fingernail poops.

Oh, yeah, just pooping out fingernails. Oh, have you ever seen, think of those videos where a bug crawls out of someone's ear. Yeah. That's horrendous. Or like a spider coming out from the back of someone's eye. Yeah. That's horrific. Or back of someone's eye. Yeah. That's horrific. Or the fact that she's filled with spiders.

Oh, no. And every thrust is a chance they could get inside your wiener. Imagine there's a spike at the very back of her vagina. And if you go too far... Oh, it's gonna get ya. It's gonna get you it's gonna get you or if you come too soon she has teeth on vagina and will bite it off and that'll i'll keep going never think of coming yeah or overthink of coming yeah just be like i'm gonna come right now that's that's another

i legitimately does work though if you over hype you're coming before you're near to coming you're not gonna come but you also might never come that's fine ever ever again no uh stepping on lego stepping on a plug uh sharding yourself you know what take them one step further and in wherever you keep your condoms also keep just one piece of lego oh step on it while you're on your desk and then just step on your foot yeah wear sandals with lego lining and just or just one piece of lego yeah lego lining that's gonna be kind of a nice foot massage if it's all lego it's just little bumps right you know uh i think we've fucking done it yeah i think this guy's good think of like dane's wet mouth noises when he gets too

near the mic there it is um think of somebody just cutting your elbow off that's in a movie jason statham movie someone takes a machete to a guy's like elbow or just his elbow yeah i think it's jason statham it's the one a machete to a guy's elbow or a G or something. Just his elbow? Yeah. I think it's Jason Statham. It's the one where he has to like, it's pretty much like the human version of speed. Oh, yeah. He has to keep his adrenaline up. And ready for another one? Yep.

Okay, so we have like ridiculous over-the-top pickup lines, right? This is also from Agent Valkyrie such as you know is that parking ticket on your ass cuz it is fine hey girl are you from France cuz madam or are you from Ireland are you the capital of Ireland because my penis is Dublin. These are all terrible. Yes.

However, can we flip the script here and make bad rejection lines? Like someone comes up and they're all like, yo, girl, did you hurt your ass when you fell from heaven? And you're like, hey, did you fall from heaven? Because your face is messed up. Yeah. That's just kind of mean. I think they're all very specific too. I don't think you have like a catch-all i don't know you could be like depending on what they open with because i

don't know like if someone's like hey i could rearrange the alphabet i put you and i together yeah you know you can't then fire back with if i could rearrange the alphabet would start with you and end with us actually That actually sounds weird. But, I mean, I'd put you and I as far away as possible. But if somebody starts with, like, hey, girl, how much does an elephant weigh? Enough to break the ice. You can be like, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I as far away as possible. Or you could be like, if they want to break the ice, be like, cool, I hope I plunge into the water and die an icy death.

Yeah. I think just no matter what. Or I'd rather fuck the elephant. Or like, did you fall from heaven? I wish, because I'd be dead in this conversation. That's my point. I think no matter what they open with, turn it around that death is a more favorable result. Okay. Okay. Should we find a few and try factoring death into it turn it around that like death is a more favorable result okay okay should we find a few and try factoring death yes absolutely you all right i'll look up

you look up some okay um this one's easy this is this is me like pitching an underhand one are you a magician because whenever i look at you everyone else disappears i wish i could disappear from this fucking conversation. Boom. Or, if I was, I'd make you disappear. I've got all these forks and knives. All I need is a little spoon. Can I borrow a knife so I can insert it into my throat? That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

I think this is another easy one. I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together. Using what? A camera. I wish I ate a camera and choked. I think I would hit them with something like, you might not be a photographer, and you're certainly not a model. Oh. Do you have an ugly boyfriend?

No. Want one? No. That works, that works. Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend. I wish it was your previous girlfriend who probably killed herself. Jesus. Because I would kill myself instead of, I don't know. These are a little grim. Damn girl, your bone structure is giving my bone structure. I wish I was a level five cleric so I could use bone shatter. Are you sure you're not tired?

You've been running through my mind all day. I'm trying to run away from your mind. Let me out. Yep. If you don't mind me, I'm just going to keep on running. Here's more of a situational one. Okay. You ready?

Mm-hmm. So you go to the grocery store and you buy a bunch of limes. Like just so many. You don't get a bag. You hold them in your hands. Yeah. You walk around. You find somebody you find attractive.

And you just drop them all right in front of them. They'll probably help you pick them up. If they don't, that sucks. But while they're helping you pick them up, everyone you try, you just fumble. And you just keep fumbling it like to the point where they're looking at you being like oh what the sweet hell is going on and you say i'm so sorry i'm just really bad at pickup lines then you marry that person yeah that's the best pickup line that's they've also put a lot of effort and they probably don't have scurvy if

they're that good with uh citrus fruit uh this comes from reddit user amber is trying tinder date offered me a use of a vibe uh i went to his place was having trouble getting there and he offered me use of a vibrator on one hand it was sweet but on the other appendage i was weirded out what i assume they're trying to say on the other hand but be funny but it's not about their vagina anyway I've used toys with partners before but they were always my own toys the idea of sharing a toy with his past hookups squicked me out

is this a weird hang up on my end or a weird habit of his does it just boil down to different strokes for different folks I get it you know what I mean like communal vibrator like especially because like it depends if it was like a vibring that's his it's or like the the dick thing yeah it's slightly less but it's still like there's a reason most people buy like toys together in

the relationship and use those toys together it's like you don't really want to be like oh this is my ex-girlfriend's dildo like how about i fuck you with it because it's like yeah i'm sure or i assume and i would hope they have cleaned it thoroughly but like there's always margin for human error you don't want to that's the thing yeah i totally get it it's like i mean there's there's two things that would run through my head if this was given to me it's like one that's not your vibrate yeah Yeah. You know what I mean? You're not using that. You're literally using that vibrator on other people. Or two, it was

someone's who forgot it or you stole it. You know what I mean? So like the fact that you as a single gentleman have a vibrator is a bit like okay. Like it's not wrong it's not bad but it's like it's enough to like make you second guess yeah it's existence it has like a communal aspect yeah it's like

i don't know the last time you clean this no and like i assume if you have a vibrator ready for sharing you're cleaning it but i would i would also assume that like if a stranger wanted to have sex with someone they would want to wear a condom but that's also not always the norm you know what i mean so it's like even even if you knew that person well enough that you know they're very like fastidious with hygiene like maybe then you'd be like you know what fuck you have that thing it's been long enough that i know one you didn't use it last week and two i know you're a clean person and you have probably cleaned this and then maybe

but like at this point if it's like a hug up you probably don't know who the fuck this person is yeah i wouldn't bust it out on like a first date but i know of like you know i mean like i think this is more of a because like even if it's 100 clean it's still a little weird i get that but you also have no idea if this person washes his hands yeah this thing is like you mentioned the like the vibrating cock ring it's like i would imagine that like there's probably more of an effort to clean that because that goes on him even though it's mostly like other people's juices on that you might not even think about that yeah i know because it doesn't go into someone so it's probably fine yeah it's uh it's one of those things where like no if if i feel like it's fair if i was in a situation where someone offered me a

communal sex toy i would probably be like no i'm good yeah thank you but no i i completely agree i feel like most people would be like they would get that yeah a lot of the comments were just like you've shared them with his past hookups so what's the difference i was like because i'm assuming he showered like i'm assuming at some point in time he has washed his penis yeah also he's not like a porous material or like uh you know no one he hasn't been left in a damp drawer for like you know x amount of time like he hasn't like you're living human you have ways even your body will do certain things like your skin you'll sweat and it'll whatever your skin there's many things uh and also you'd probably be able to tell if he wasn't cleaned but unless you're getting that thing given the good good yeah oh it tastes a little never mind this tastes a little funky i'm not gonna have it on me but by

then it's too late because you don't licked it yeah maybe don't don't lick things if you're unsure of its cleanliness how else are you gonna find out how long ago this person died died yeah if you're in a crime scene oh so no super detective show well like it's me in general you can't just say umbrella term don't lick things like a lot of people will fail their crime tests. Yep. All right, time for a new question. Okay. Oh, this one's good.

This is from the Seduction Reddit. Any strategies to compete with other guys for the same girl in real time? Yeah, he's playing hard mode because, like, he's gotten rid of the pause function. Exactly. You know what I mean? Competing against guys in real time is a lot more different than if you were doing sort of a single player situation. Or even just like a turn-based, right? Compete against other guys in real time. I think...

I'm not even sure if I need... Will I read the... Yes, please. The context? I've had a situation come up twice recently that I've been really struggling to get the upper hand in a friend of mine will often invite their friends out to a bar there'll be some couples as well as some single girls and guys i'll start talking to one of the girls i'll maybe take my attention off her talk to another friend goes to the bathroom for maybe five minutes i'll come back to one of the other single guys moving in and we'll end up just

volleying her back and forth all night like a good old old game of tennis. That was me, not him. These past few times, it felt I've struck out just as a matter of timing or consequence. One weekend, we went to a bar for last call, and this guy managed to grab the seat next to her as we were walking in. Basically lost her after that. Another time, most of the friend group was going home for the night, and this guy and a girl I was talking to earlier continued their conversation. I wasn't going to stand around like an idiot third wheel or force my way into their conversation, so ultimately, I left with the group. When we go out it'll usually be for a full night like four plus hours per game to last call so I can't always get the girl to leave with me ASAP especially in a large friend group and can't nor do I think I should helicopter over her the entire time when I'm with a big group of friends. Don't be weird or confrontational

just frustrating getting off on the right foot only to have someone else come in and sweep the girl away right at the opportune time. At no point is this person considering the women in this. There's no point where they're not literally anything but a tennis ball or an object in this. Yeah. It's like, oh, man, we're getting on so well. And she, I'm sure, liked me because we were doing so good. But then a guy just sat next to her.

And that's all her agency. These gosh dang who've got like the attention span of a puppy and as long as there's something in front of them they're gonna fuck them proximity wise i just didn't have it so fucking idiot who can't think for herself just went home with this guy and another time like it went well but i can't get them to leave as soon as possible and it just gets away from me bud or like he's i love how he blames things like he talked to a friend for one second that's all it took i went to the bathroom i took one steamy poop and i lost her that's the thing don't don't go to the bathroom that's our number one advice never go to the bathroom when i doubt install a catheter get your butthole stitched

clothes adult diapers exist yes brides wear them all the time apparently we found out fucking fool talking to your friends what are you doing yeah do you do you want to have friends or do you want to get your dick wet but you're on a night out right fuck your friends who cares about them having fun with them not the point yeah you want to just, and that's the thing, like, cling to them. As you said, it's all proximity based. Just be there every time they look around. Every time they move, you're fucking just there. But you have to like, you have to be good because you don't always be like, want to be on her left side.

Oh, yeah. Because then she'll just turn right. That's the thing. The thing is, you got to switch it up. Maybe sometimes you're under her. Yeah. Sometimes you're above her get your like get your core just blasted and not only do women like nothing but money and abs but you'll be on the roof above her just like fucking you know

yeah and if you see a guy if a guy's walking in you just drop down drop down what's he gonna do he's gonna be terrified of nothing blasted abs and your aerial shenanigans yeah and then she's well she doesn't even think. Just once you're near. Don't worry about her. You'll be fine. Yeah. Don't talk to your friends.

Don't pee. Don't leave. Oh my God. What are you doing? I think what might be kind of helpful is, you know, those shock collars that you can get dogs and you set up like the boundaries. Give yourself one. No, no, no.

Give her one. No, give yourself no give yourself make you the boundary so anytime she leaves a certain proximity away from you yeah she's like oh god but and she realizes that you're the safe zone you're home free so if she stays close to you all night what are you gonna do even then if you have to go to the bathroom guess who's coming with you the thing is they they only respond to one stimulus and that's proximity yeah and the the negative is if you're not near him you're getting electric no but they don't even register like they don't have enough thought capacity to register pain so they'll just walk right through the shocks that's the thing right's true. This guy is already clearly established. Proximity is the only issue. It's hard.

It is hard. So what you have to do is get reverse collars, put them on every guy. Yes. And anytime they get within a certain proximity of her, then you're safe. And she'll also maybe,

maybe be able to realize what's happening and think you're really cool for hurting people just from going near her, even though you guys haven't hooked up yet, which you obviously will if you're going to be the nearest person. Yeah, as long as you can get her away immediately after immediately. Or even like

your pregame, like get her out right there. She probably doesn't want to spend time with her friends either. Nobody does. I mean, this is the thing. Has she said hello to you? She's DTF. Has she not? She probably likes you so much she doesn't want to. This guy's a dumbass. I'm sorry sorry i can't keep this fiction going any longer it's hurting um if somebody liked you and you were actually getting on with them and like a guy sat down next to her she'd probably just be like oh hey and come over and talk to you and if she doesn't then move the fuck on yeah and like man i i get it there are times where like you could be

hanging out with someone or like chatting with someone all night and dancing with them and then for whatever reason you leave and come back and they're gone there's someone new in the picture it's like you don't have a claim on her you have not you have not climbed her mountain and put your flag in her head and been like mine for the night because i invested x amount of time your money or energy or whatever none of that means anything and also the whole like how do i compete like that is going to fuck you up real hard because you're gonna be trying to like react to other people and guys and like women aren't idiots nobody is they're gonna notice you getting all shitty and weird when guys come

over and like anybody even if it's like people who are like weird around their friends and try to like put them down so they big themselves up people notice that and you look like a fucking douchebag so honestly don't try and compete with people be you and if they don't like you for you then it wasn't gonna work anyway that's the thing. It's like people enjoy when you invest in them, whether it's time or energy or whatever. And if you're like absolutely terrified that someone else is going to – like that energy is – you think you're directing it to her. But anyone who's smart enough to ever have been in a conversation understands that your attention is not at her. It is at preventing anyone else from getting to her. And that's probably what you're spending.

The weirdest fucking thing. Yeah. You're probably spending all your focus and energy on like desperately getting that seat or like, oh, there's a guy coming. Gotta block him off. Yeah. Like there's all this bullshit. It's like, just chat to them. Like it's, it's, it like it's it's it's not

rocket science there's no competing and if it's one of those things where you're like you know you you gotta go do your own thing like just ask for her number yeah you know what i mean like but also like if you're off having for like if you're having fun with your friend sorry you continue your point and i'll do my thing is just like look you might not go home with her that night you know what i mean maybe she goes home with someone else whatever or no one if you're yeah or she just you know does her own thing um but if you're into her and she seems into you like you know maybe sort of towards the end of the night or in the midway point where like things are starting to seem to like splinter off and everyone's kind of doing their own thing and maybe before everyone gets absolutely fucking hammered be like hey i've really enjoyed talking to you tonight um do you

mind if i grab your number and then like maybe we can grab a drink sometime you know what i mean and then yes you run the risk of it being awkward if she says no but there's a good then like if you're mature enough to be like oh no worries then it's not awkward because fuck it, they don't owe you their number. If someone just says no, cool. Now you know not to, like, worry about it for the rest of the day. Exactly. You know what I mean? You've already- you've put yourself out there.

You've done the adult mature thing. You've expressed interest. You've expressed sort of the desire to see her again. And if she's not into it, she's not into it. Yeah. Spending another, like, two hours fucking hovering around her. Because the only thing that's gonna change in this point they're gonna start to dislike you as opposed to just not liking you

she's also gonna get drunker at which point like that becomes a creepy yeah problem where like now you might just be sort of badgering her until she's drunk enough yeah which is you know what i mean and like that's a terrible fucking look yeah also the fact that you seem to like point out hanging out with your friends is an issue here like turn around for one minute to say hi to a friend and i turn back as quickly as possible but it's too late like if you're not having fun out on this night out people are gonna be like this guy's weird and he won't leave me alone like have fun with your friends also friends are gonna stop inviting you out if like yeah you're all you're doing is creeping on their friends this happened the other day to me they're just like you're just like on their like female

friends and also getting really aggressive with like your other friends yeah and other people like also it seems like a lot of the friends you're upset by are people who are also friends who were invited yeah yeah just like there is no competition no like you're not gonna like there's oh it you're just gonna shoot yourself in the foot uh go have a good night out it sounds like you're not enjoying any of this there's more to life than just hooking up and the more you enjoy life the more likely you are to hook up yeah i was bartending the other night and it was like there was these it was like a group i don't know if they knew each other or if like some of them knew each other whatever there's a group of girls and a group of guys and like i don't want to throw shade but they were all basic

they were just sort of like typical white basic people um to the point where like they all had starbucks tattoos yeah i mean like infinity, pretty much. Pretty fucking much. And at one point, one of the guys was talking to the one of the girls. And, like, as, you know, quote-unquote basic as they were, it was going well. He was a decent dude. She seemed to be into it. They were both very respectful of each other. I believe the term is vibing.

And then the boy showed up to either help him or hurt. I don't know what the plan was, but the other guy started talking to the rest of the girls, and they clearly had just learned about what negging was. And we're literally just like, the guy was just like, you got red wine all over you. He pretended to spill his drink. He's like, you got red wine all over you.

And she's like, what? He's like, yeah, I spilled wine all over you. And she's like, you got red wine all over. He pretended to spill his drink. He's like, you got red wine all over you. And she's like, what? He's like, yeah, I spilled wine all over you. And she's like, are you kidding? He's like, nope. It's all over your white shirt. Guess it's ruined. Guess you got to take it off. And she's like, did you actually spill fucking wine on my shirt?

And he was just like, no. Why are you being such a bitch about it? And it just sort of spiraled that way. And this poor guy was just like, what is happening? To the point where these guys are just absolute fucking fucking tools to the point where the girls were just like okay we're gonna leave this entire building and then like afterwards they had like their post game sort of like debrief where everyone was just like man those they were fucking bitches they were stuck up bitches and i was just like oh man yeah that's That's why we do this podcast. Yeah.

It was times like that where I wish I had cards where I could just be like, here. Here, boys. Listen. Learn. Learn. Yeah. Let me embrace you in our wisdom. At which point they'd listen and be like, look at these pussies.

Yeah. That was a big peep-pop. A big plosive. Yeah. Just know. Please stop. Wow-chicka. So. Wow-chick stop. Wow. So.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, you ready for it? I don't have another one from Diesel. Well, then I'm done. Bye. But I do have a review of Caucasian 2.

Cock Asian? Caucasian 2. Caucasian. Cock Asian. Cock Asian 2. Oh, no. Like with a C-K? C-O-C-K-A-S-I-A-N.

Oh, no. I thought I was making a really bad joke. By Pablo. Oh, I love Pablo's. Robody really raised the bar for me on Asian porn with the excellent Caucasian. Starting with Nautica, the movie begins strong. We catch her as the babysitter, sneaking to the dad's porn collection while he's out of the house.

His porn, of course, being Caucasian 1. I like how they get meta. Yeah, well, it's nice because it's like it ties the whole porn universe together. Okay, cool. So it is like they do have like a good cinematic universe. Yes. Okay, well,

first point, I'm down. I'm glad. He returns to find her watching his porn. More porn ensues. Wait, what? This is a strong scene. Nautica is always fantastic. She's never failed to live her,

and she doesn't here. Where the movie begins to go wrong for me is the second performer, Ryan, with two A's. Oh, no. I'm not sure what it is about her. Oh, it's her. She doesn't do it for me.

In fact, I don't even think of her as Asian. I'd always thought she was more black or maybe black slash Hispanic. Oh no. It never occurred to me that she might be Asian. Oh no. So not only is it one strike against the scene, because I'm wondering why I got an Asian release

and suddenly find a non-Asian in it. But I really don't care much for Ryan as a performer. This is my third time viewing one of her scenes, and she just doesn't do it anymore for me. She has a nice body, I'll give her that, but her performance always leaves me wanting more, as does

this one. The movie gets back on track for the next scene, starring one of my current favorite girls, Evelyn Lin. Unfortunately this is only a BJ scene, still it's redeemed by some nice verbal play as the recipient of the job is her new step brother that she teases into letting hair suck his stick. It adds a nice element of naughty to the scene, still it would have been great to see Evelyn get pounded, she always has great energy.

Katsuni, my first time seeing her with the factory installed upgrades, is up next. I've got to admit, I wasn't too happy when I heard she was getting implants, as I greatly prefer natural smaller breasts than fake larger ones. Man, Pavel is up to date on these girls' lives. That said, the new implants don't look too bad. I mean, yes, they're obviously fake, but still, it's one of the better fakes I've seen. Katsuni's a great performer, and she doesn't fail here. She gets the movie back on track.

Before it's promptly derailed again by Nakara. Again, another girl I thought was black. Why is Pablo so racist? Yet, is it an Asian release? Really, Robbie? What gives? With girls like Charmaine Starr, Michelle Malin, Mika Tan, Naomi Marcella, and Jade Su, just off the top of my head out there, to choose from, you give us Nick Carey and Ryan? Did I piss you off or something? If I did, consider the score even.

Again, this scene doesn't do much for me either. It's a marginal improvement over Ryan, but that's not saying a whole lot finishing this movie in style is tia in a wedding dress okay i almost give this disc five stars for this scene alone this is one incredibly hot scene everything from tia's bj to well everything rocks in this scene it's an out of the park or yeah out of the park home run even uh if you even remotely like tia this scene is worth checking out special features on this disc really aren't so special trailers for other dp releases slideshow and photos and cumshot recaps no pts or bonus scenes caps pts bts behind the scenes the movie starts

strong with nautica and finishes strong with tia and it's got a great katsuni scene in the middle evelyn's scene is very good too though i can't help but wish it was more than just a BJ. Still, what it is is damn good, I'll admit. Hell, it's Evelyn. There's no bad here. But Nikara and Ryan scenes drag it down substantially. I was hoping for wall-to-wall, non-stop Asian fun. But the movie failed to deliver that on me. Let me guess, four stars?

I actually didn't copy the the star rating so i don't know that that is wild also i think the real question here is what did he do to pick piss off caucasian did he give a bad review for the first one that's why it doesn't sound like it here's the thing robbie d just came at my boy pablo he was like hey i understand pablo you're in to the finer things of life and that is asian porn apparently but i'm gonna fuck this shit up i'm gonna literally derail my some ethnic beautiful sort of uh ambiguity yeah and i don't know maybe she's asian maybe she's not deal with it pablo that's wild yo yo yo cock asian consider the score settled yeah i mean robbie d don't try this shit again like yeah you've whatever pablo has done you've you've settled the score with ryan nakara no if

he does it again now he'll have pissed off oh yeah no and you you do not you know he's got a lot of guns Pablo he's got like four rifles oh man that is fucking book wild uh Pablo sounds like a gem yeah it's the real the thing is I would love to find to see if Pablo reviewed another sort of like ethnicity specific thing. And like, is he cool? Is he just racist in general? Or is he just sad that his expectations were subverted? Is he just pissed that he was like, he was like, look, I just, I just had a hankering

for some Asian porn and I don't want to see someone other than Asian people. He's like on white Christmas. He's like, I don't know if she has a tan or not, but like I was expecting eight white girls. Yeah, he's like, on White Christmas, he's like, I don't know if she has a tan or not, but, like, I was expecting eight white girls. Yeah, exactly. My thing is, it's weird to call this thing cock-Asian, because it's all one word, and cock-Asian is white people. I know. I assume it's

white people fucking them? I don't know. Maybe that's part of the fetish? Maybe. Or maybe they all have cocks. See, if it was, like, a trans porn, I would totally get it. But by the sound of this, it is not. You don't know.

I think Pavel would have let us know. He just assumed we knew. Maybe it was baseline. All right, hit me with another question. Why did she block me? And of course, it's deleted. But I will let you know what's going on. Guy and girl match on Tinder.

Been talking for a little bit. It's going all right. Then one day, he opens the day, the morning, with, want to trade pics? She says, no, not really. He gets upset. She blocks him. What a bitch.

Why did she block me? I don't know whether to go. I feel like we already did the absurd apologist joke already yeah because i have my theory is it because you just immediately asked for nudes i mean i guess not immediately but but also i yeah it sounds like he wants nudes right i mean yeah no one like no one's like hey do you want to switch swap pictures it's like the implication is that they are sexy pictures yes thank you it's it's like if you met online they have a profile yeah i'm assuming there's at least like two or three pictures you can look at and clearly they

were good enough because y'all done matched yeah uh there's no way you say want to trade picks or like send me a pic and there's not some kind of implied like wink yeah you know like you want to trade picks like wink and i think that's universally understood like if you're trading picks that it's like the first one might be a little cheeky you know what i mean maybe like a you know cleavage something and then like oh next one's like he's he doesn't have a shirt on oh next one he's jumping in the shower literally i mean um yeah it's a gif of him just and he died it was dragging him jumping in the shower um yeah and it's and it's like the i think the the goal of that tactic is that like progressively the pictures will get sexier yeah and the clothes will get progressively less and then you got a nude gallery of this sexy person. Yeah.

However, not everybody wants to just, I'm sure so many women are sick as shit of guys being like, yo, send nudes. Yeah. So that's why you got blocked. Also, it sounds like they haven't been up. No, and that's the thing. It's like, in the comments, they insist, if I wanted nudes, I would have said nudes.

So they're either ignorant or just really trying to undig that hole yeah i mean it's it's one of those things where like you have to understand that everything you say no matter how genuine it is no matter how like like don't be so societally unaware like don't be so oblivious to what is happening in the fucking world you can't claim it's like the the question a while ago where someone was like hey you want to come back to mine at like last call in bars yeah and then people want to hook up and they were like huh yeah why why do people always assume i want to have sex when i invite them back to my place at 2 a.m yeah that's like being like hey do you want one of my like do you want my sausage in your mouth and being like i actually wanted to make them sausages it's like these things like you can't be oblivious to like subtext and yeah and maybe you did mean

trade pics but like if you really wanted like for another picture of the person and like whatever i get it maybe you really want to make sure that they look like what they look like or you're just like oh they're cute i want to see more whatever there are better ways to do it you could probably be like oh like what are you up to like oh i'm out of that like i don't know like the fucking i feel like there's no amusement park it's like oh cool like send me a picture like or or just be like oh you want to add me on snapchat or like oh what's your instagram or because that's the thing you get their facebook their instagram or whatever you're gonna see a bunch of pics yeah i i honestly do not i cannot in my head picture like a way of

asking someone you do not know and you've never met yeah for a picture that doesn't sound creepy as fuck weird yeah you know what i mean it's like i don't really i don't know i wouldn't even really ask amanda for a picture you know what i mean i don't know it's not that like it would be weird or that she wouldn't or she wouldn't want to but I'm just like I don't know it was just in general like show me your face it seems yeah it seems kind of possessive yeah and it seems kind of sort of also like they're at your

beck and call to provide you with whatever sort of stimulus that you want at the moment that like to just be like send me a picture of yourself send me a sexy picture yeah it's like look it was one thing if like when we were in europe sometimes i would like to see a sexy picture of a man to be fair i never had to ask she sent them to me it's it's different to make sense and it's like a long-term thing yeah there's context there but like if if i had matched with someone on tinder yeah while we were traveling if I was single and I was just like, send me a pic.

Yeah. That's fucking weird. Women are not at your sort of immediate disposal to do whatever you want. So if someone's like, even if she was down to eventually send you a picture or maybe she just woke up or was at work. Like there's any number of reasons why she would be like, no, I'm not doing that right now. Yeah. I'm busy. Or i don't want to even if they didn't think you wanted nudes which i'm guessing is not the case because i'm imagining they were just like yeah he wants nudes i'm also imagining

you probably want a nude so like you want a nude calm calm your shit um like even even whatever there's still that implication that you're double-checking that they're as hot as they said they are, right? Like, you're kind of verifying, like, are you hot, though? Which comes across quite shallow, and also like, maybe like, if you mess with someone and they're just, like, flat-out hot, you probably

don't need to confirm that they're hot. So maybe they're being like, okay, they just think I'm kind of hot, I'm one of, you know, second guess themselves. Yeah, there's no context of this request that is okay, really? Again, if you've established a fun, playful texting relationship with someone, and that's like a thing that you guys do, it's fine, whatever. Like, I'm not saying asking for pictures or sending sexy pictures is inherently bad but if you don't have the precedent for it then you have to understand

that there is there are connotations that let's be honest most women will assume you're asking for naked pictures or sexy pictures and like they're not obligated to send you anything yeah so if someone says if you ask if you if you're ballsy enough to ask and they say no the answer is okay no worries yeah but also the damage has probably already been done i mean yeah point like read context if you're like sexting if you're all like hey girl like what you up to oh i'm just lying in my bed in my panties and you want to be like oh i, I sure would love a pic. Like, that's one thing. Yeah, absolutely.

But to just be out of nowhere being like. But if you wake up, if you roll out of bed at, you know, whatever time. Happy Monday, give pics. And you're just like, send pics. Oh. Like, no. Fuck it. Get out of here.

Comes from your Reddit user, Laura Fulman. Why do guys stroke their softening dick after sex? Just curious. Don't have a dick. Don't know what they're doing it for. I don't think I do. Yeah. I mean, there's that sort of like post-sex sort of like squeeze and wipe. But, I mean, once

I'm done, I ain't, like I'm not still just going at it. Yeah. Maybe they're cleaning it off? I mean, that's my thing. Maybe it still feels good? That's the thing. Maybe, maybe they're cleaning it off. I mean, that's, that's my thing. Or like, maybe it still feels good. That's the thing.

It's like, maybe they're one of those guys who kind of gets the aftershocks. You know what I mean? Where like, he can still sort of tease out a little bit of pleasure. So like,

maybe it's just like a self-conscious thing and they got their dick out and they're like, they don't want to just like, let it hang loose and like chill back. They're like, you know,

there's a vulnerability to a, a flaccid penis. No, definitely. Man, man when i was younger i used to never want to see never i want anyone to see me soft i never wanted to see a flaccid dick i'd like fuck and like jump off the bed backflip onto my underwear pull them up and get back into bed and be like can't see it now it's hidden i'm always big i uh always big yeah that that took a while to get over so dumb when you think back but I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who are like nope I get it

I don't think anyone's ever looked down at their flaccid dick and just like nice it's funny because to me it used to be like that someone would forget how it was when it was big and hard and would just always think of it like that or something which again makes no fucking sense they know you can get an erection and what that looks like so why would that matter yeah but as a

kid i'm like oh god that's the thing there's like this there's weird expectation for us as dudes to just like our dicks just to be perfect all the time exactly and to be and if they're not no one talking about that limp dick yeah you don't always have to be a thick boy. Yeah. I mean, like it's, so, I mean, the only thing I can think of here is, is like one, he's, he's just trying to get that last little, little whatever out. Or he's, maybe he's like a slow comer and like, it's just making sure it's all out. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, cause like there's nothing worse than putting on your underwear. Maybe he's trying to seduce you. Or maybe he's just trying to get hard again. Yeah, could be. You know what I mean like there's nothing worse than putting on your underwear maybe he's trying to seduce you or maybe he's just trying to get hard again yeah could be you know what I mean maybe he wants to go for round two and he's just trying to like if he lets it you know sleep for too long he knows it's going to be he's out of the game but like maybe he just needs a little bit constant simulation you know

a five second breather and ready to go back at it I want to know how many people she's seen do this it i want to know how many people she's seen do this yeah i want to know if this is sort of like a one like he she's sleeping with someone and it's sort of like she's kind of new to the the situation and like she's like why is he doing that or or if it's just like a really common thing and we're the anomalies i don't know maybe she has maybe she's the same condom girl that just rips them off with her vice grip. And maybe they're just like massaging, maybe it's got pins and needles.

They're massaging the blood back into it. Yeah. Like. I mean, there's any number of reasons. Like everyone's body is different and everyone reacts differently to sex. Yeah. So. I do feel like it's also hard to just not do something with your dick when it's just out.

Yeah. You might touch it. You might shift it. You might hold them balls. You might do something. I feel like some of You might hold them balls. You might do something. I feel like some of those things were all very... Maybe he doesn't know

that he has a latex allergy and it's... Maybe it's itching. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe try some latex-free condoms. Yeah. Because let me tell you,

as someone who has a latex sensitivity, it's very unpleasant and you do need to sort of like... You can't really scratch your dick. Yeah, you just gotta rub it, I guess. Yeah, you gotta sort of like you can't really scratch your dick yeah you just gotta rub it I guess you get that sandpaper from question one or two or three I can't remember which one it was

yeah I don't think there's anything to worry about here I don't think he's up to anything nefarious but there seems to be a handful of reasons why he's doing this and that will do us for tonight. Before we, we do our, our finales.

Finales? Our finales. Um, we'd like to say thank you so much for listening. Appreciate it. It's, uh, it's always a pleasure to, even when we're sweating our balls off in this closet, it's, it's something I look forward to, uh, putting up every week and, and it's really nice to, to hear how you guys enjoy it i will say the episodes are getting hotter and i mean that literally because this yes because the summer is getting warm and it's and my is he does not

reach this closet oh god no um oh hello do we have anyone else to thank uh just everybody everyone just everyone i do have have one thing to mention. What are we at now? Episode 41? This is 42. 42. Holy God. So we're coming up on a year.

Yeah. Right? Which is crazy. Thank you for everyone who's stuck by us. We're thinking of doing something for that year mark. If anyone has any ideas ideas throw them our way because we aim to please we've been toying around the idea with like maybe doing like a live stream um of either us doing something special or even like a live like episode where you guys can like

get on facebook or instagram and send us messages or twitter and we'll answer them live uh on a stream hopefully not as sweatily as we are now yeah i think this is something we'd have to do probably in like an actual i guess it would be actually also december or october yeah october so like you know maybe in like uh somewhere a little more open better lighting because this would be a nightmare to film um yeah so if there's there's something you'd like or if you guys are interested in doing a live episode where you guys send us in your questions. Just let us know if any ideas pop into your pretty little heads, because this is our first time doing all this shit,

so it might take us some time to sort of figure out the logistics, and we'd like to do a couple test runs to make sure we get it right. We can't wait until the week before, and then someone hit us with a bomb idea, and let's be like, well... We would love to do a live episode for you guys. Um, I would also like to say, uh, if you are enjoying the show, please head over to, uh, Apple podcasts and leave us a review and a rating.

Uh, it would, uh, it would mean a lot to us. Like I said, uh, previously a bunch of our reviews and ratings have just been fucking like thrown away cause Apple sort of switched their podcast platform for a reason. Steve Jobs. Thanks Steve Jobs. Ghost ghosty jobs he's out for us still fucking us i don't know what we did to you but consider the score even yeah steve jobs first caucasian too now this steve jobs yeah also give us a little share i don't know post it on your facebook be like hey i'll listen yeah yeah if you know someone who who listens to podcasts and they're talking about like maybe needing something new to listen

to i like to think we're not unpleasant to listen to i don't know i've heard occasional giggles i were uh i think we're we're pretty even we don't have a lot of loud noises and a lot of like we're a great podcast to listen to at night. You know what I mean? Like just sort of slithered dulcet tones. Until you laugh and or like dry heave yourself awake. Yeah. I mean, whatever. So if you do have a question or if you have an idea for our one-year anniversary episode, you can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast.

You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. Or you can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies or you can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast at gmail dot com. As always, thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. It's a great song. Yeah. So you ready? Yep.

I'm sorry guys, there is no James Joyce today. You know what? I kind of need a break from James Joyce. I'm not sure you do. Because I'm going to dip into something that's been called the greatest Canadian novel ever written. Hands Made Deal?

Yeah. No, it's not. It's just a little snippet. I might get more from the book is it a margaret book it is not are you ready dan's just venting off steam oh he's also a robot i don't know if i told you guys now he's urinating yep um you ready yeah You ready? Yeah. There was no care in the act, only habit and convenience. It had become something she was doing to herself.

Oh, bear, she said, rubbing his neck. She got up and took her clothes off, because she was hot. She laid down on the far side of the bear, away from the fire, and a little bit away from him and began in her desolation to make love to herself. The bear roused himself from his somnolence, shifted and turned. He put out his moly tongue. It was fat and, as the encyclopedia says, vertically ridged. He began to lick her.

A fat, freckled, pink and black tongue. It licked. It rasped, to a degree. It probed. It felt very warm and good and strange. What the hell did Byron do with his bear, she wondered. He licked. He probed. She might have been a flea he was searching for. He licked her nipples stiff and scoured her navel. With little nickerings, she moved him south. She swung her hips and made it easy for him. Bear, bear, she whispered, playing with his ears. The tongue that was muscular, but also capable of lengthening itself like an eel, found all her secret places. And like no human being she had ever known, it persevered in her pleasure.

Is this an actual bear? When she came, she whimpered, and the bear licked away her tears. Yes, it's an actual bear. The fuck? It's from the book, Bear. Drop your phone? No. What'd you break?

I have no idea what the hell it was. It's Bear by Marian Engel. I refuse to believe that's considered one of the best Canadian novels. I don't know. It's what some people have said. Okay, well, some people who? Just fucking some weirdo? Some reviewers.

Was it Pablo or Diesel? Because they're the only two reviewers I care about. Yeah, isn't that fucking bizarre i refuse to believe that there's a bear that instead of eating a woman is eating out a woman maybe maybe the person who who uh like i mean i'm sure it's a metaphor it's got to be a metaphor the bear's got to be a metaphor it seems a little uh a little too deftly researched to be a metaphor. I don't know. But what I would love is, like, for the person who wrote this to not understand when someone one day was like, I heard she got eaten by a bear.

And they were like, wow. I didn't know they were sexually active with humans. You fucking with me? The bear ate her? The bear ate her. And it's like, yeah, yeah. Like, is she finished? Oh, she's finished.

Oh, yeah. He got her there. She's done. Yeah. Wow. Like, done. Like, done, done. Oh, my God.

Like, he didn't leave anything. He found all of her secret places. And they went home and they were like, I haven't read about this before. Someone needs to let the people know. I need to write this book. Write what you know. I know the bears lick out women. Yeah, I know bears are expert cunnilingus.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So back to James Joyce. Yeah, I miss James Joyce already. What's really funny is when I was trying to find this excerpt. Does it say how often she farted? Constantly. Obviously.

I assume so. It's impossible to come without farting multiple times, you idiot. How many farts would a bear have, though? Was it a farty bear? Was it one gassy bear? Have you ever met a bear that is not a flatulent farm boy well i also never met a bear that just goes down on women what bears have you met actually most bears i know don't go down on women man the revenant would have been a much

different movie maybe he was trying to do that searching for leo's clit. Yeah, Leo had already got it. I mean, maybe that's why he mauled it. He was like, I don't suck dick. Oh, man. Yeah, so that happened. Dan? Yeah. Dan says, why do women act like they don't like you? Oh, Dan, it's not an act. Hey, if you hear anyone refute all of your pickup lines with wanting them to die.

With death being a preferable alternative. Yeah, sorry about that, buddy. Yeah. Sorry, not sorry. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spann and we are of course your fuck buddies

have a good day