F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 44 - Your Special Bee Treasure

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Niall has a sore butt and brings a forbidden book into the closet.  Dain finds an incredible resource and new personal hero.  Topics include a polite rejection response, the tragic bee coma, a platonic wedding date (or murder), being pretty enough to be a stripper, the latest in the BetterBetch saga, an ass like a chow's tongue,  how to make want me tonight and looks DO matter.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm now Spain. And we already fucked, we did it wrong. We did it backwards. We say it after the fuck buddies thing.

We're your fuck buddies. Oh. Well... We're a dating and sexified podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. And we're back. We're back. We're here. Guess what? It's Monday. It is. When this comes out. When it comes out. Which is when we... We actually record live every Monday morning. If what? It's Monday. It is. When this comes out.

When it comes out. Which is when we... We actually record live every Monday morning. If you listen to Monday morning. Yeah, we get together usually around midnight or one. Yeah. Just drink whiskey and talk shit in the closet. Yep. It's not true.

All right. Get into it. Fuck yeah. How are you doing? Hell yeah. I'm good. No, get into it. How's your butt?

My butt's kind of sore actually. I figured it would be. I pulled my butt, and that's not a sexual euphemism. Yeah, no. It's a climbing injury. Standing up is hard. Oh, mock me. Adjusting my chair is going to be agony.

I was also just bragging. Hey, I have a question. No, you don't. Okay. This comes from Reddit user Derby Smith. How to end conversation with a girl who isn't interested in me? A few years ago, I met a girl in a cafe. I asked a few questions she answered, but she rarely looked at me and was busy looking at others.

I know it's a sign she's not interested in me. I remember that I ended the conversation by saying, I'll finish my meal. See you again. But I feel the way I ended the conversation by saying, I'll finish my meal. See you again. But I feel the way I ended the conversation sounds a little silly. What is a play way to end a conversation with a girl who isn't interested in me? You're dead in the eyes. It's also the best way to end a relationship. You say, keep on trucking.

And then you're gone. Yeah, I mean, that's not a bad. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, I mean i i was really worried about this question when i first saw it and i was like oh no but this is it's it's not a bad question because like i think a lot of people uh when they're faced with rejection tend to get really defensive yeah or really aggressive weird yeah um and i think i think if we just sort of embrace that like hey not everybody is gonna be into you and sometimes people you know for any number of reasons there's infinite

reasons um that they might not be picking up what you're putting down if you treat that cordially and with respect i think that you'll i think as a whole people will be more inclined to be approached yeah one yeah like if people weren't just fucking assholes then people would be less likely to be like oh don't look at me don't come up to me people would also probably be more inclined to have conversation not have their guard up but unfortunately we live in the world where people fucking suck so yeah that's not gonna happen and i don't i don't necessarily i'm also not talking specifically about like uh romantic interactions i mean just like i'm just chatting while you're waiting at starbucks or whatever you know what i mean like there's there's this sort of sort of air of like if a

guy's talking to a woman he's hitting on her yeah and like sometimes it's like no i'm just yeah i'm i've been waiting for fucking you know two minutes i just need human contact yeah and like you're right there and it's weird if i just ignore you yeah yeah um so i i think like i didn't even just like i don't think i mean maybe being like i'm gonna finish my meal now bye well even just like see you again that's ominous that is actually very ominous um well two things one is that if you are in a situation where you're rejected in any way shape or form and you respond shittily that is it you are never going to be positive in their eyes ever again yeah and on top of that anybody who witnesses that interaction you're never going to be positive to them at all and if anybody meets you and then they're like oh you know my friend and that friend's like yeah this is what he said you and then they're like, oh, you know my friend. And that friend's like, yeah, this is what he said.

You've just like burned many bridges. Whereas if you're just like, okay, cool. Like, have a good night. Yeah. Like, oh, enjoy your night. That's really all you have to say. Then maybe they'll be like, oh. Enjoy your day.

Yeah, maybe you'll bump into them later on. Like, I think a lot of it is context dependent as well. Yeah. Like, let's say she always goes to that cafe and you're just like, okay, yeah, whatever. Have a good day. You know, and then you see the next time maybe they'll be like, oh, you're that guy. Whereas if you're just like, oh whatever uh have a good day you know and then you see the next time maybe they'll be like oh you're that guy whereas if you're just like oh yeah fuck you yeah whatever you're not that hot anyway yeah then they're never gonna ever talk to you and anybody who sees that or is in any way related to that person or like scene is just you're gonna be

a fucking dick because you are yeah because again like there's any number of reasons why someone might not want to engage in a conversation with you and that's finals what you know i mean like maybe she's studying maybe she's working maybe she's got a boyfriend maybe any number of fucking reasons why she's fucking tired yeah maybe she's listening to a sick podcast yeah maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you and then she's listening to us and do you really want to fucking ruin our ratings yeah seriously dude maybe she was like just at the bit we were about to tell her to comment and rate us on itunes and maybe we were going to get a good rating off her and finally fucking pop up there yeah and you fucked it up um but yeah if like like now said it's if you

if you you know go and approach her and she doesn't receive and you're just like all right cool uh have a great day and then you fuck off and do your thing the next time like you've you've made a contact now whether it was you know super receptive or not like you can give her a little smile and a little nod the next time you see her you know like there's there's no harm in that and as long as you're not like creepy waving at her whatever you can you've made contact and like if you if this is someone you see regularly why not you know like if it's someone you see at the cafe or a bar that you go to all the time there's no harm in saying like hey how's your night going yeah and then just like also like just keep going at that point worst case you guys just have a friendly distant relationship which is gonna be a lot better than

an awkward distant relationship and it's it's one of those things where like if you um i've seen it it's actually happened at my bar where um this regular who again he's he's married and i don't know what her status was but like he she was sitting by herself one day and like you know he just said hello and she said hello and then kind of like you know went back to her phone or whatever and that was that um but like they were almost always there at the same time they were always like there on like the sunday night yeah around like four or five and like it just became like a you know he would give her a nod she'd give him a nod and they never really interacted but there was a day where there

was these group of guys who were really being sort of shitty with her um and she scooted a few seats over and started talking to him and like it was he he became this like safe space for her yeah where she knew shit yeah she knew that like he wasn't an aggressive dude or and he was like at least could take social cues yeah so like and i was like oh that's really it's shitty that you had to do that but it's it's nice that like this guy knows how to behave around people yeah and has then fostered a community even if it's like an unspoken thing like literally they would say maybe one or two things a week to each other what's sad is that we're applauding somebody just for like it should be baseline you know what i

mean like we shouldn't even be having this talk right now you shouldn't have to be like hey maybe if someone's not interested you just don't freak out at them or don't be a fucking piece of shit yeah like that should be like just one of the things like you like fucking animals are born i know to migrate south for fucking winter or whatever we're born and can't take no for a fucking answer even if it's polite and like yeah there's reasons like no fucking get your shit together humans yeah start fostering positive rejections yes Yes, please. It's fine. It's win-win for everybody. Yeah.

You win. They win. Everybody wins. If you're a dick, then if you ever bump into that person again, it's like, oh, God. Yeah. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, God.

That's not good. It's not good. Just fucking stop. Yeah. So it doesn't, there's no specific thing to say, but do it with grace. Do it with respect. You can just respect oh hey i'm nice talking to you yeah nice to meet you have a good night have a good day exactly like wish them well tell them to have a good whatever time of day it is and and leave them alone yeah don't say have a good life

because that sounds better yeah um someone said that to me once i to this day don't know whether they meant they want me to die or we were just weird and wanted good things for me. Yeah. Because, like, I was serving their table, and one of the guys was like, hey, have a good life. And he was leaving. I was like, what? Maybe he knew he'd never see you again. He was 100% certain he'd never see you again.

And he's like, but I want this guy to have a great life. I hope so. I hope so, too. Like, I don't know. There wasn't any, like, dramatic. I don't know. To to this day i don't think i'll ever not be confused by it all right hit me okay this is by it's a little long we'll see this is from relationship advice this is by smash ultimate uh my co-workers know me as the b-movie guy what can i do to remedy this about four years ago i was playing destiny with three other friends. We were hanging around the lobby, and one of them suggested we read the

Bee Movie script. At the time, it was a growing meme, so we decided to go with it. I read the Bee Movie to them, and they listened the entire time. There were many chuckles along the way, and it was great. After a long narration of the movie, I put it upon myself to try to memorize the entire script. For the next four years of my high school career, I was known as the Bee Movie Guy. People asked me to recite to them, and I gave them the first 10-20 minutes of it. I never got to the end of the movie, but my final project was reciting the whole thing for my public speaking class. I got 105% for that. Fast forward to now. I'm 18. I've finally gotten my first job at a bank. It pays well. Literally every single person I work with is nice. The higher-ups are nice and chill.

One day, we had a meeting with HR HR and we were talking about our favorite movies. I told them mine was the B movie as I memorized the whole thing. By then I got all the way up to Barry leaving the hive. I got some laughs. But as time passed, the head teller was interested in what I meant. There was no one around,

so I started to recite the movie to him. He was amazed, like my friends in high school were. But soon he wanted me to go to the other coworkers in the lead, show them my reciting skills, and spread like wildfire. It's okay at first, but not everyone

but like two people have heard. People are still nice to me, but they quote things like we know that you as a bee have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work

for your whole life. I'm starting to see how stupid I was as a kid. This might be an inside joke, but it's gotten out of hand. I don't want to be known as the bee movie guy anymore. I'll have normal conversations

instead of more bee movie conversations and reciting. I'm not sure how to do this, and I'm still trying to be known as the B-movie guy anymore. I'll have normal conversations instead of more B-movie conversations I'm reciting. I'm not sure how to do this. I'm still trying to get used to the workforce. So, yeah. He needs advice. He sure does. You need to guard this secret like a special treasure. Yeah.

You don't just give it out to everybody. You've put in the time and the effort, then you're just like throwing your gold to people i think what you need to do is memorize a new movie a movie that no one wants to hear also who's sitting there what high school presentation is going to be like you know what kids today we're going to let you sit down for an hour and 20 minutes and listen to this guy fucking recite the b movie. But also, what possible place is there in the world ever at any time where somebody starts reciting the entire B movie perfectly and you tell them to stop? You go, no, no, no. He's about, oh, no, no, no. And then you're like, oh, my God.

I mean, I think I think I would be there and I would hate every fucking second of it. I'd be there. Look, not to be a buzzkill when you said b movie i thought you meant that like it was like you know shitty movies no no not like b movie like seinfeld b movie which let's be fair was pretty great yeah i mean i don't know if i would memorize the whole thing i don't know if i'd memorize anything but yeah like what i love is this person clearly has some pretty good skills either in terms of memorizing things or just pure commitment. Maybe put them to actual use.

Maybe go do anything. Yeah. I would stop telling people. Well, yeah. I think at this point he's done to himself. So aside from leaving. With this place, I think you have to burn the bank to the ground, get transferred to a new bank, maybe block everyone who knows your secret in the bank when it burns down.

Maybe just fill the bank with bees. Yeah. And then he's going to be their hero. You could do another thing. I have an idea. Okay, hit me. So it's impossible. Like, it's hard to get rid of a nickname.

So you need to get rid of parts of the nickname, right? You need to, like, start cutting it down slowly. So instead of being the bee movie guy, just be the bee guy. So just become a beekeeper. Get really into bees. Have so many bees to the point where they'll forget all about the movie bit entirely. Then you're just the bee guy yeah and then all you need to do is get rid of one more

word and then you're just the guy or or get rid of the guy and become a bee movie nope you've already gotten rid of the movie he's a bee guy this is step two okay step two i thought you were saying instead of getting rid of movie shed no shed. No, no, no. You shed the human persona that is whoever this guy is. Yeah. And you just become a bee. Yeah. And to be fair, you're pretty close there. You're making inroads.

Yeah. Because you already know what bees say. Yes. Many bees. Do you think he does voices when he does or does he do you think he just like blasts through it as fast as he can or do you think he acts it oh man i i can i don't i i hope it's deadpan expressionless yeah just him reciting do you think he also says stage direction i was just thinking that like did he read the script or did he just listen to the whole movie because i think without the stage direction

it would be just a little bit trippier and he's just like blah blah blah blah and then just like next scene you're like wait what happened in between yeah like you need the connective tissue bud and like are you also doing like your oh no's like a lot of cartoons are bud and like are you also doing like your own nose like a lot of cartoons are screaming and like and bumping and oomphing and you know what i mean so it's like are you doing those as well like isn't there a scene where he just keeps bumping into a window i'm sure there are just sort of like expletives that aren't words is he just like is there a part during your reciting that's like this i hope we need to get this guy on the podcast we know oh my god can we can we message him yeah yeah let's fucking do it just

be like uh you need more information yeah 100 yeah like get another movie and then you'll maybe you'll just be known as the movie guy which is kind of cooler yeah all right i mean also you could just be like yo guys this is something stupid that I did in high school, and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not your monkey. So the next time someone's like, hey, recite that part where... Benny? Benny B.

Benny B, that's his name, right? I would hope so. I'm pretty sure it's Benny. Yeah, be like, oh, hey, do that part where Benny tries to go through a closed window, and you'd just be like, no. I'm a grown man. No, pretend you never told them anything. Yeah, or just be like.

And that never happened. Sometimes they'll recite the B-movie. You're like, uh, what? Stage a tragic accident. Where you lose your memory. Where you go into a coma for a couple days. Yeah, then you get some days off work. You get a sweet four-day weekend.

Oh, hell yeah. And you come back and people are like hey hey man do do the part with the b movie and be like what are you talking about get your friend to come in the white coat and be like i'm sorry he's lost all memory all memory oh sorry let me finish all memory of the b movie yeah it it specifically targeted the most important part of his brain the biggest part where he stored the most crucial information so unfortunately he doesn't remember any of your names and he can't remember a single thing about the b movie also he's gotten really creepy but only in b related ways he just sidles up to all the cashiers like hey honey yeah he's constantly just eating flowers and look before

you tweet at me i know bees don't eat flowers all right i know he did he edited out the bit where i had to tell him where i wikipedia no bees eat flowers to try to get a video it was actually just a still from the b movie but they don't even do it in that you fucking idiot all right i don't know i think i think we've helped. Get into bees. Stage a tragic accident. You're done. We solved it. This comes from Reddit user Molobilo. Molobilo. Molobilo.

Girl is paying for my flight. A girl I've been texting who lives across the country wants me to be her plus one at a wedding she's a bridesmaid at. She's even offered to pay for my flight and let me stay in her hotel room for the weekend as well what does this mean does this seem platonic from an outside perspective uh i like what how why are you texting her that's the thing is like

is this just someone tinder or some shit do you know who this is i'm gonna guess it's not platonic if it's a good bud of yours, then yeah, probably platonic. Like, there's context clues you're not furnishing us with. Yeah, is it just someone like, yeah, did you meet them on fucking Tinder or some sort of dating app or, you know, online or something? Do you know this is a real person? Yeah. Because I'm going to say it's not platonic. It's murder.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was just thinking, thinking like they were either gonna bone or be buds but you're right they could just take your bones and be buds with them yeah without you and your life force and your skin put you downstairs in their skeleton tableau of a tea party in their basement yeah um but okay let's let's not get morbid here, and let's assume that they know each other. They already killed you. They were high school friends.

Yeah. She's moved across the country, and they've been texting. Okay, I assume, like, there's, imagine a scale, and the closer you, like, one end is you know them quite well, and the other end is you don't know them quite well. If you know them quite well, one, you probably don't need to fucking ask the question but two i'm guessing it's platonic if you don't know them i'm guessing it's not because that's a lot of effort and time and closeness for someone you're not really that close with however there's also little offshoots such as they're super desperate and have no other options and they're just bringing you because they want to or they really want to be buds so they're going that little extra mile see i don't i think if you're bringing if you're bringing a

date also it's a date to a wedding it's probably not platonic that's the thing is if you're bringing a date to a wedding unless it's specifically like they've been like look man i i can't go alone yeah my friends will eat me alive my parents will be so disappointed i just need somebody yeah then it's like okay that doesn't sound like a romantic time for you. You see, I'm imagining if you know somebody that well, that's more likely that, like, you know, you're like, oh, you're my good friend. Like, you're going to be the one to do this, whatever. But you also probably have an idea, I would hope, at that point. But I think if you're, like, you know, texting someone and they're like, come be my plus one.

I'll even fly you across the country. And you can stay in my hotel room. Yeah, I'm going to guess. All of those sort of situations lend themselves to a very sexy weekend. However, that doesn't mean they have signed up for anything. Yeah. Like just because it is giving off the impression of not being, that you might get there, fuck it up by calling all their friends assbags, and then all of a sudden they're like, eh, I don't really like this guy.

Yeah, maybe you're going to get hammered at the wedding and try to kiss the bride. Exactly. If you do something, there's no, like, well, you flew me here, and these guys on the podcast said that it probably wasn't platonic. I mean, even if you don't do anything. Even if you don't do anything. Like, I'm not saying that you have to. I'm just saying they can reserve the right to make it completely platonic or whatever they want. But I would say that there's enough groundwork here to assume that you might be able to at least take a swing.

You know what I mean? Don't take a swing. A nice slow dance at that point. Feel out the moment. I would say I'm leaning towards this is uh not a platonic adventure yeah it doesn't sound like it but what does it mean what does it mean it means you're probably gonna get a sweet hopefully open bar hopefully and maybe some great hotel sex open bar and and some open arms. Yeah.

And buff flaps. Buff flaps? Butt flaps. Butt flaps? Otherwise known as cheeks. So you can eat ass and save your life in case you have stomach issues. I gotcha. No, I would imagine not platonic.

Not platonic. Man, are we going real quick? We are. Is this an insult? I've been talking to a boy. I've been sending him pictures. These pictures feature me naked. Recently, he started saying things like,

you could be a stripper and make good money. You should be a stripper. You could make his... I don't have the actual things. Basically, they've just been saying, you're hot. You're so hot, you could be a stripper. You could make his, I don't have the actual things. Basically, they've just been saying, you look, you're hot. You're so hot. You could be a stripper and make money. Is this an insult?

No, I mean, I don't think this person means it as an insult. I think this is a genuine compliment from this person who just doesn't really grasp. And again, like I want to make it very clear. I have nothing against sex workers or strippers there's there's nothing inherently wrong with that i think that people who assume that just because you are attractive you then have to you know slot yourself into a part of society in which

your physical appearance is the only sort of like thing that gives you worth, either monetary or otherwise. That is sort of the fucked up thing here. But yeah, it's not a, I don't think it's here as being. The thing is like, yes, it might be not the best compliment. It might be a weird way of going about it. But like in his mind, strippers are attractive and have good bodies. Yeah. So by him saying you could be one is him saying you are so attractive, have such a good body, you could probably monetize that shit.

Yeah. Because you're that good. It's a clumsy, weird one, but you know. Yeah, it's not. It's, I assume it's well-meant. Why would that be an insult? What's wrong with strippers? I mean, that's the thing.

What's wrong with them? I think the only way this could be an insult is if the question asker has a low opinion of strippers and people who work in that sort of field okay and it's not okay maybe you need to fucking challenge your own fucking prejudices i think that's a hundred like despite how yeah what you say clumsy this guy is i think it's i think it's your personal prejudice against yeah against the people who work in the sex. It's also not a wild leap to be like, oh, like this, oh, a lot of the feature of that is like having a good body and being sexy. So therefore he's saying I have those things.

So for you to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this an insult? Well, it's 100% a prejudice thing on her point. You know what I mean? Because she thinks that I assume she's equating like strippers with like trashy or, you know what I mean? Like people who are desperate or people who aren't educated. Or something. Yeah. All these things that like sort of goes along with like the.

The bad side of stereotyping the really sort of like rudimentary like in 1980s depiction of sex work um where it's these people who like it's the only thing they can do um i think it's i think that's the only way this could be construed as an insult look at your own fucking prejudices poster yeah even though your post got deleted maybe that's why it got deleted. Maybe. Yeah, maybe they got woke. Maybe they're like, you know what?

We hope. Yeah. I hope you done got woke. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with being called a stripper, I don't think. If someone was like, yo, your body's great, you could be a stripper, I'd be so fucking confident. I'd be like, that would be actually a really nice compliment for myself. I think it's probably even more of a compliment to men. Because, like, I've seen some, how do I put it?

Haggard. Experienced women. Oh, not that. Okay. Let's edit that one out. But my thing is, like, I've heard or you know of like a dumpy dude getting on stage it's like from what i hear and have seen they are almost exclusively very very very attractive or at least physically physically yeah physically fit more so than maybe yeah i don't

know i'd take it in a good way why don't you ever call me a stripper, Dane? Because we're more than the sums of our parts. This comes from a 28-year-old female. I let my boyfriend put it in the tip, but it didn't go in and just touched. The boyfriend is a 30 male. Does this mean we had sex? I'm planning to get checked tomorrow after work. After he put in the tip.

I'm really not ready for sex, but I am craving for it. Does the tip count as sex? He said I'm bringing him to the Eiffel Tower for dinner on his birthday, B-Day, just for myself, not him, so I can take pictures. I feel sort of underappreciated. Because I'm paying all that money to take him for dinner, but he thinks it's for me. He doesn't see the nice and good things that I do.

Only sees the bad. He got insecure again just because I asked his friend what's a good BDA present. He hates me talking to his friend. Says he doesn't know what we're talking about, so I'm breaking his trust. His mother knocked on the door for us to come down for dinner. He yelled NO! Fuck, I hate when he yelled no fuck i hate when

i when he fuck i hate it when she does that um it was so rude like in my mind your mother is calling us for food and you're yelling at her in the end we went down for dinner i felt he's old and ungrateful i actually think there's nothing good about him except his physique I see he's a stripper he could be a stripper also please tell me this is our good friend oh this is our this is the next stage in the better batch saga you know what it almost started as a real question almost um although they put it in the tip or they put the tip in it sounds like at the very start you said I put it in the tip or they put the tip in it sounds like at the very start you said i put it in the tip uh yes so she put something in his tip no i would not count those sex um i believe it's her just having what i can only assume is a side effect of mycoplasma which is just lunacy um because she also says um when when he yells at his mother for dinner

he said fuck i hate when she does that but i think he means when he does that because she seems to be or maybe he yelled fuck i hate when she does that oh true maybe that's the whole yeah you never know because i hate when she does that oh i hate when she fucking makes me dinner mom i swear to god if you make me dinner one more time can we okay like real talk can we stop with that can we stop making fucking food for our kids like it's awful it's terrible like they're just trying to at least stop calling us for dinner look look we know you've made dinner stop fucking bragging about it humble brag um um i love that and i think does this person practice capoeira i don't i don't think so they seem to you like at the start it's like a twist they say

put the tip in only the tip i'm gonna get checked out tomorrow after the tip has gone in so it seems like you think it happened, but then she says it's going to happen tomorrow. So she's a time traveler who knows. No, I think, again, it's just the way that she writes. Which is more realistic. But she let the boyfriend put in the tip, but it didn't go in and just touched. It didn't go in. She let him put in the tip, but it didn't go in and just touched it didn't go in she let him put in

the tip but it didn't go in oh then that's not sex and it just touched does this mean we had sex if you you yourself know it didn't go in and it just touched just meaning didn't meaning it was only what happened but she let him put it in but it didn't go in but it didn't go in it just touched yeah you know i think he's old and ungracious yeah i mean which is i think the worst thing to call anybody um i mean thankfully he's got that banging physique oh thank god yeah for an old ungracious dude he's still looking all right yeah can you imagine someone being like look man I think you're old and ungracious. Can you imagine this person who I'm assuming isn't from France is going to the Eiffel Tower for his birthday? I forgot about the whole France saga. Like.

Imagine. Okay. So imagine your girlfriend, your lovely girlfriend is like, no, for your birthday, I'm taking you to the Eiffel Tower. Just so you can take pictures, bitch. Oh, wow. Here's another Instagram story for you. Do you think they ever went to France? Maybe that's where she got...

Mycoplasma? Mycoplasma. In the shadow of the Eiffel Tower? Oh, that's pretty much the most romantic way to get Mycoplasma. I mean, if I'm going to get microplasma... We still don't even know what it is. I have no idea. I'm 99% sure it doesn't exist.

Or it's ghost related. No, it's going to exist because she's a time traveler. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure she creates it. I'm pretty sure whatever's happened in this relationship, plus the old boss, creates some sort of super disease called mycoplasma i think she's the new nostradamus and we're gonna have a future no that's not frat too never mind

she's also a vampire she seems like a mental vampire maybe because she sucks what what rational thought i still have in my brain out like i it's like a trip like reading that or hearing it is just like wild like my brain feels like dizzy after that yeah um but what's gonna happen is there's gonna be a future where the world is taken over by thick blondes our water supply is gonna be dirty and everyone's gonna mycoplasma because they're all bosses dick can we get her on the podcast let her tell her tale yeah i mean like man she's either had the best or worst life i don't know it's a sprawling epic for the ages yeah it's like shakespearean shit did you go to paris i feel like the things that we would hear the stories that would be told would we would go through such a roller coaster of, because like even just when she asks a question,

you get like nine stories. Oh yeah, none of them have any bearing or, or like, like, but also, why does she kind of end everything off being like, I don't like this person.

It's like, but what? Why do you, okay. Literally every post is how much she hates this person. It slowly boils down to just being like, oh, but also he's the fucking pits.

Yeah. Oh, man. But yes, if you let someone put it in, but they don't put it in, you haven't had sex. Yeah, yeah. But. How many times have you read the Kama Sutra?

It's true. Okay. Are you ready for something from Anon Confession 2018? Mm-hmm. Even though I'm pretty sure they posted a few days ago. How can I make want me tonight? Hit me one more time. How can I make want me tonight?

Mm-hmm. Is this someone who messaged us? No. Okay. Although, did you see our newest one today? No. I got to check if they replied. This guy straight up told me on Tuesday that he wants to be fuck buddies,

and he doesn't want any strings attached. We've hooked up once before, so I told him I'd be down. Well, he kept messaging early this week and wanted to get together. Kept telling me we wanted me in his bed and wanted to fuck me. Well, Thursday night I messaged him and he said he was at party, but that he would let me know after. He didn't, but I didn't care. Friday night I text him.

WYD. After about 20 minutes, he opened it and read it, but never responded. Even up until now, he hasn't responded or messaged me. Want to see if I can meet up with him tonight, because I could use some sexy good tonight LMFAO. I know he wants me, but what foolproof way can I booty call him later tonight? Something sexy he can't resist to say yes to. He's into head, and he says the sex is really good maybe throw in there we can smoke lol so i'm sure if he wanted to he would just say yes and not keep blowing me off

should i just call it quits i'm not what i can say to him tonight i'm kind of into rough play like hairballing and grading me by the neck and fucking me what can i say to make him horny i want to fuck me tonight i mean i think you I think she had it right when she said she was looking for some good sexy LMFAO mm-hmm just send him the link to party rock or shots shots shots shots shots shots everybody is that all I'm a fail yes oh I thought that was like little Wayne pretty I'm pretty sure it's little Wayne. LMFAO feet little John. Oh. He was wrong.

I was right. I have it on the podcast. Everyone knows. I knew there was a little someone in there. Am I proud that I know LMFAO? Yeah, I don't know who's. I don't know. I think a picture is a good way to go.

And considering you're really in to being graded by the neck, maybe send them a picture of your neck and just say, out of 10, question mark? Or like an A+, maybe you've already graded it. Oh, yeah, you could grade your own neck. A-plus neck. Mm-hmm. So I want to make fun of this person, but I don't.

Because here's the thing. I had a very strict rule where, and again, I'm not a big rules person. I'm not a big. Eddie always introduces rules. I'm a good go with the flow kind of guy. He's making a snake motion with his hand. And my body, my whole body. I'm serpentine.

Serpentine. Serpentine. Isn't the whole thing. I can't do that because my butt's bald um i i would usually call it quits after like two or three um like no responses or like bails or you know what i mean like if someone's like if someone's like oh yeah like let's let's hook up tonight and i'm like cool and then i text around you know what i mean like if i haven't heard from him and be like yeah we still have it tonight and then i don't hear anything i you know what i mean i'll, if I haven't heard from her, I'd be like, yo, we still on for tonight? And then I don't hear anything.

You know what I mean? I'll be like, okay, anything can happen. Maybe you got fucking hammered. I don't want you coming over anyway. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cool. Touch base again.

And if it happens again, I'm like, mm. Yeah. But I feel like a lot of that stems from the fact that, one, like, why put in the fucking effort? But two, as a guy, you don't want to be that, like, creepy, overbearing person that never gets the fucking message right yeah um less danger when it's a girl true but again that does not mean you should not take no for an answer please get the picture eventually however i feel like this has been two yeah and like you know they don't seem very dramatic you still got one shot, at least. Yeah.

Do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once. Three times in a week time. Yeah, I think you can pull out one more final stop, and then I would say call it quits. Or at least ball in their court, right? Yeah, and then just be like, cool. Let's be fair.

She's messaging a dude. You don't really need to be sly. You can just be like, hey, you want to come over and fuck? That's the thing. But it sounds like that's all she's doing. Well, no. She messages him W-Y-D. I'm sorry.

If a girl texted me, I'm assuming probably late in the night because she said he was at a party. Yeah. What are you doing? Yeah. I mean. But like, okay. That's pretty clear thursday night was

a party he said he would let her know after didn't probably went home with somebody else probably was too drunk whatever maybe got too late friday night i text him and he didn't respond maybe you're out like you know what i mean those are like very last minute booty call like and the danger of those is you don't know where they are they could be asleep right maybe he was fucking asleep. Maybe he woke up, saw it, and fell back asleep and didn't want to be like, yo, I was lame. And Thursday, maybe he was looking up at somebody else. You don't know.

So, like, maybe don't wait too late. Maybe don't wait until that 1, 2 a.m., like, Hail Mary booty call. Maybe just be like, hey. Let that seed. Yeah, be like, hey, what are you doing tonight? Or like, I'm a very horny. Or like, hey, you you said we're gonna be fucked by these but i haven't seen you since like you can be pretty straight up and then there's no like wyd or whatever yeah say it early in the day it's like hey you want me to fuck later if you want to get fucked message and say hey i want to get fucked yeah and like also plan something for your night like don't just sit at home you

know like maybe go with your girlfriends you'd be like hey let's go get drinks and then you know at the beginning of the night text and be like going out with the girls i would love for you to come over and fuck me tonight yeah you know what i mean and then towards the end of the night or like as you know things are going um build your way don't get drunk oh don't get firstly yeah don't get too drunk you can have a drink or two yeah Yeah. Whatever. But like, there's nothing less sexy than somebody coming and being super fucking messy. Also, there's the whole legal issues. And if you're not a douchebag, you're going to be like, hey, you have to, not even a douchebag,

a fucking sex criminal. Yeah. You have to be like, hey, leave. And then you don't want the girl throwing a fucking tantrum and throwing shit at you. Yep. Like bins. So, yeah, don't do that. But also there is a danger of those kind of like,

Oh, I'm out. So like maybe later, because then that's a very like, yeah. Question mark time. And then he's going to go do something. And then it's,

you know, just be like, Hey, like stay in, have a good night, have a you night, right? Go fucking get a movie,

get some fucking good food, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then blockbuster. Yes. And then message him and ask if he wants to fuck and if he doesn't

you're having a great night anyway if he does maybe he'll leave after and you're still gonna have a great night yeah just fucking message him and be like want to fuck yes i mean yeah i think i really don't think you don't need to be poetic here. It's the benefit of being the fairer sex is the sexual power is nine times out of ten in your court. You mighty. You could just straight up just be like, come fuck me. Yeah. No, literally no guys can be like, oh my God, he's got the most disgusting message. This girl just said, come fuck me.

And also if he's like if if he's bothered by it and like you guys have already established that you're going to be fuck buddies and that you guys are going to literally fuck each other and if he's like whoa you crossed the line and say all right cool then you've learned the lesson i'm gonna go find someone who does want to have sex because in order to be a fuck buddy oh we need to be fucking and especially like the way this started this guy straight up told me he wants to be fuck buddies cool that's like i'm pretty sure that you've set a tone for this situation where you can just be like yo i'm not gonna lie it's great getting that message you know no like tiptoeing around the bush no like blah blah blah it's like hey come

fuck me it's like fuck yeah yeah it's great there's no there's no like hey you want to come over what are you doing want to come watch a movie it's like well now like i'm that's a three-hour commitment i'm pretty sure you want to fuck but i'm also like i don't know yeah i don't know right or like oh what are you up to oh nothing me i'm not really doing anything tonight just kind of bored dot dot dot like just be like yo your dick my parts let's make them interact yeah just send them what i used to send to uh a girl that i had a ongoing sexual relationship with and anytime i was horny wanted to fuck i would literally send her the like the pointy finger and the like okay sign sign. And it looks like, you know, mature. What does it look like?

It looks like, it looks like you're fucking how like you're putting the pointy finger in the circle of the okay sign. Yeah. Yeah. But like, that's how does that, but that looks like that kind of looks like this is a great visual gag. I feel like circle circles aren't very indicative of a vagina really.

Is that what you're trying to say? That the circle symbolizes a vagina? Who said I'm talking about a vagina? That's why I was asking what you were talking about. Anything. Anything circular. Mouths. Noses.

Mouths aren't typically circular. They can be. Try. Go. That's not a circle. That's a fucking square. How'd you do that? Oh, why is it so square?

Oh, no. What? You ready for this? Yeah, let's do it. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. We finally fucking? Oh, you better believe I found the holy grail of porn reviews. Is he back?

Is Diesel back? No, no, no. Fuck Diesel. Fuck Pablo. I'm over them. They don't exist to me anymore. My new boy. For one second, I really thought the title of this thing you were reviewing was fuck diesel no no i mean no no i'm i'm on a whole new level okay my boy kid cocky

which i don't know is a play on kid cuddy but i don't think so because most of your reviews are from the early 2000s maybe kid cuddy is a play on kid kaki maybe kid kaki bukkake is he a japanese salty dish could be this is a review of pussy man's international butt babe seven who names these uh also i love that he started his review as if it's like a legitimate uh newspaper article with wow i'm, wait, I'm sorry. Are you just like delegitimizing porn reviewers right now? Yes, 100%. I'm so sorry. Hollywood, California.

The sex in Pussy Man's fuck flick, potboiler, international butt babe seven Jesus. isn't simply fucking. Oh. It's hardcore super sex. That's the name of my first album. Girls' butts are turned as blue-black and slobbery as a chow's tongue.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. A what? A what's tongue? A chow. Have you ever seen the chow chow? They're like the big fluffy dogs that have like the black tongue. Ugh.

I don't understand. I have no idea how this translates into butts. I assume they're hurt to turn them blue black and then slobbered upon to turn them slobbery. I don't know. That is the most visceral sentence I think I've ever heard. Let me tell you. We'll be here a long time if you try to unpack everything. I'm sorry.

Some of these might take some time. A triumph of sexual emotion and extreme style, the video vaulted a bestseller list since its production in 2004, all but assuring a dozen sequel adaptations. Wait, what one is this?

This is number seven. So there's another dozen? I assume so. Whoa. The movie is distributed by Legend Direct, but the rights belong to David Christopher. Ladies and gentlemen, start your coming. Divided between Marva's legs and right below a spectacular... Sorry,

I'm done coming. Uh, no, it's start. You're not done until fucking Kid Cocky says you're done. Divided between marvelous legs and right below a spectacular beaver is Monica Sweet's Monica Sweetheart's sweet brown hole.

Fans know of her gauzy past and somewhat flintier present and the movie shows her spread I don't know what either of those things are, and I really wish I knew what her past and present... And the movie shows her spread her sweet anus wide for a cockroach-ring good time. For those of you who want to know more about Miss Sweetheart,

she's a gorgeous brunette-slash-redhead straight from the Czech Republic. Monica first got into porn in the late 2000s, not long after turning 18. She featured in a bunch of XXX films. While still living in Europe, those films quickly got everyone's attention and everyone wanted more. So she moved

to Southern California to pursue a career in the porn biz, pleasing all of her fans. Her exotic look, sexy curves, luscious lips, and perky young breasts have you craving more. She is an up-and-coming porn star who is on the verge of blowing up in the industry. Demand for her

increases by the day. How do you spell coming? Up-and-coming. So this is, I will tell you, nine times out of ten, the way he almost always spells come, as in like, come here, C-U-M. This time he did spell it properly. It's an oversight.

I assume it was autocorrect, because let me tell you, he milks the cum puns. I'm sorry, autocorrect from 2008? Or maybe it's spellcheck. Spellcheck's been around forever. Trouble, with a capital T, arrives in the form of Victoria Sin, whose sphincter looks like a greenhouse flower after she takes on her partner's horse cock. What? You may know Victoria from such

movies as Pull My Hair and Call Me Stupid 2. Throw Gaggers 5, Full Throttle Anal, and Load in Every Hole 5. Is there like a low throttle anal? There might be. She's done quite a few anal films, and she is no stranger to black cock.

And don't forget about her legs. Victoria certainly got them. Oh shit, I had forgotten all about her legs. And she knows how to use them. With her jet black hair and alabaster skin, she has a very appealing exotic look. Born in Germany, Victoria is a natural porn star. In this movie, she wears red fishnet stockings

and a blood red fishnet top. All in all, this is a fun film. The girls aren't abused, but they are pushed to their anal limits. The sex is fun, the lighting is good, and the cum shots are plentiful. It's definitely worth buying. Sounds like it, I guess. Now here's the thing.

Kid Kaki has done 7,000 reviews. A word wizard, I guess. Now, here's the thing. Kid Kaki... Has done 7,000 reviews. A word wizard. Mm-hmm. A word smith. But that's not what I love about him. What I love about him is he almost always signs off with a fun little quote. From the movie?

No, no, no. This is, I assume, from his own personal repertoire. He signs it Kid Cocky underneath. Try the Kid Cocky exercise program. I burn off 500 calories and 20 grams of protein a day by, oh, whacking off. Real cool thing to say, Kid Cocky. Real cool thing to say. That's a real, real...

Oh, man, I don't think I'm a real, real... Oh, man. I don't think I'm the better for that. Oh, dear. Do you feel like your mind, your mind's anus has been turned into a greenhouse flower? I do, actually, yeah. Oh, man, that was...

Is that technically poetry? I don't know if it's poetry, but it certainly is art. Mm-hmm. And let me tell you, let me tell you about this website. You can search by reviewer. I have an endless supply. Well, not endless. Endless?

Endless. It is a finite resource, but it is a plentiful one. For real, girls do care about looks that's about a guy who was out of the bar and midway through badgering women the entire night somebody came up and talked to them and he didn't even have to do stuff like neg her pull her into the corner like start off with a confusing question or like he could even agree with her because he was attractive he didn't do any of the game and that's like lucky him because he didn't have to do those things so he's proven that everyone's wrong and women do care when people are attractive

oh someone someone didn't come talk to him some oh no yeah some absolute just like fucking chris hemsworth babe well someone rolls in and just starts like scooping women up over his shoulder. He even states that the guy wasn't even like that attractive. But he was attractive enough. But I love how like he equates the whole thing with like the guy. It's just because he's hot. It's not like he's like he didn't even have to do game. Like mind blown.

He didn't nag her once. He didn't grab her He didn't actually say that he did not make her like yeah Yeah, he said no nagging. No, he's a lot of other terms I didn't know but he was like bewildered that this person didn't use game, but then he was like, oh, of course he's hot It's fine. I was like wow, it's really funny because you're looking at you're missing the woods because you're looking at one tree can't see the trees from the woods can't wood up them forests either way it's maybe little bud i'm gonna give you a secret here maybe because he wasn't a shitbag yeah that could be it maybe he didn't insult them in an attempt to also attract them he wasn't a shitbag. Yeah. That could be it. Maybe he didn't insult them in an attempt to also attract them. He didn't insult them

and maybe like kind of like give them unwanted physical aggressive contact and then disagree with them for no fucking reason and do some dumb shit. Maybe that's the fucking

I don't know. I'm going down the limb here. Maybe that's the fucking reason why it worked. I don't know. It was the funniest. I wish I had the I'll see if somebody quotes him in the fucking comments because literally someone's like whoa. I don't know. It was the funniest. I wish I had the...

I'll see if somebody quotes him in the fucking comments. Because literally someone's like, Whoa. You need to make a post for this point that's owned. It's an important point. So people can stop focusing on interactions. But I don't know. Let me tell you.

Again, I would say... I am sort of like middle of the road handsome. I don't... I wouldn't... I wouldn't put myself in sort of like any sort of like... You're pretty hot. I don't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't put myself in sort of like any sort of like, I wouldn't put myself in like a top tier. Like I really don't think I do belong up there. But I will also say that I never had any trouble

quote unquote picking up women at bars. Yeah, but the thing is, your trick is you pick the light women. So picking them up is easy. And the other ones you fill full of nitrogen so they're technically lighter than air. Do you mean helium? Sure.

Pretty sure nitrogen freezes them. You break them into little pieces. More manageable, carryable pieces. Yeah, he hides some of the pieces. It's, ah man, it's not, yes, being attractive helps. You are not going to run into any problems being, you know, attracting romantic partners if you are attractive. You're saying you're not going to run into any problems? Yeah, well, I mean, like.

That's incorrect, but. What do you mean? Like, you're not going to run into them because you're attractive. Well, you but what do you mean like you're not going to run into them because you're attracted well you might actually run into them because you're attracted i just like well that's what i mean things are gonna be easier that's yeah that's what i mean like you'll like you'll being attractive will rarely hinder you when pursuing like romantic prospects unless you're so reliant upon it that you don't do any of the other shit or unless you're so attractive that you're terrifying people out which i know is a thing especially with women like i know i know there are like a few of my good friends who are like yeah no guys

literally just are terrified of me because i am a good looking oh yeah and it's like i get it that makes sense but also it makes things easier for people who aren't shit because like no one's talking to you so you're gonna be happy when i'm buying a drink beside you and i say hello yeah i fucking wish i had the original post because like the he does say game with a capital g he mentions nagging and other things and he was like oh i forget what he said but he he literally said something along the lines of he just like talked to her like normal mundane guy talk like he just talked to her like like a real human being yeah literally like he treated her as if she had her own independent thoughts yeah and and no one in the comments is like yes everyone's like oh what or

yeah bro like looks do matter like we know someone posted a thing in seduction that i actually responded to and was like uh something along the lines of being like i'm so weirded out right now i was getting like burger king and the gay cashier guy hit on me. I feel like so uncomfortable. And I was like, I just type of be like, now you know how every woman who you ever talk to feels like.

I'm just like, this is, you can't be upset if people hit on you when you also aggressively hit on literally everything. How are we banned from the sex rather, but not the seduction rather? I don't know.

Someone also was just like, I miss the days where gay people had to hide who they were. And I was like, I can't wait for the days where people like you have to hide who you are. Oh, man. One day. Yeah. That probably does it for us, doesn't it? I think that's going to do it. Okay, well, you can do the information parts while I go get something.

You're going to go get something? You're going to go get something? I'm going to go get something. Okay. I'm going to go get something. Don't talk shit. I'm absolutely terrified right now. But thank you very much for listening, guys.

If you've enjoyed this week's podcast or if you enjoy any of our week's podcasts and you have a couple seconds, please head over to uh apple podcasts and hit us up with a review and a rating a five star would be nice um and say something nice about us because uh we are still trying to recoup our losses from losing all of our itunes reviews um also thank you very much uh just for being here, for listening

and sending in questions. If you do have a question you'd like to send in, you can hit us up on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter

at fck underscore buddies. You can also send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Thank you very much to Josh Eagle and the Harvest City

for their songs Paper Stars, which is a song... You told me to do all the stuff. Oh, fuck off. So Nell just came in with a book. Yeah, I know what book it is. Where's the Governor General? You keep talking.

I gotta finish. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for a song by Prestarz. You ready for some more bear? You keep going. I gotta find a... I've already done it all. Okay. I also wanna read, like, the start of, like, when she describes the bear.

It was a grown bear with scruff like a widow's hump. As it turned to drink, she had a large whiff of shit and musk it was male a time quarter matted with dirt it looked stupid and defeated it's like oh maybe looks don't matter we won't fuck this bear the day after the first one we read was the first time she fucked the bear and next day she goes Jesus, what a strange thing to do. To have done. To have done to one. She tests herself, pinching her conscience here and there to see if she felt evil.

She felt loved. This is a little spoiler warning. This is how the book ends. She was idle and grubby. Her nails were broken. She and the bear sat in pompous idleness on the lawn. In the evening, they lazed by the fire upstairs, bear and woman by the fire, both in their pelts, his thick pelt tonguing her again, her hands in his fur, the smell of him drink to

her now. Night and silence, far away the last lakers booming along the river. Once a spark from a birch log landed in his fur. It smelled of burning feathers until she licked it out. He was slower now, losing his acidity. He ate great quantities. She knew he was growing a plug of fat in his anus against hibernation. She was nearly, oh really, completely through with her work. She was cold with his fur around her. She wriggled close to him, closer, until he encompassed her. He moved a leg and nearly broke her arm. She had forgotten his great weight. It's over now, she told him. It's over. You have to go to your place, and I do mine. She sat up and put her sweater on. He sat up across from her, rubbing his nose with a paw

and looking confused. Then he looked down at himself. She looked as well. Slowly, majestically, his great cock was rising. It was not like a man's, tulip-shaped. It was red, pointed, and impressive. She looked at him. He did not move. She took her sweater off and went down on all fours in front of him, in the animal posture. He reached out one great paw and ripped the skin on her back. At first she felt no pain.

She simply leapt away from him, turned to face him. He had lost his erection and was sitting in the same posture. She could see nothing, nothing in his face to tell her what to do. Hey, maybe get away from this wild ass bear.

Yeah, even the bear is like, oh man, this boner has nothing to do with you. Like, fuck off. Yeah. Yeah, can the bear is like, oh man, this boner has nothing to do with you. Like, fuck off. Yeah. Can I just get a fucking erection without having to fuck you? Get out of here. Yeah.

Leave me alone. I've already got a fatty anus. Let me sleep. It sounds weirdly comforting. I don't know. A fatty anus? A plug of fat for your hibernation. That's why I can't sleep.

Man, is that... That's wild. I assume it's real why I can't sleep. Man, is that... That's wild. I assume it's real. I don't know. What would the point be? Keep things out or keep things in? I mean, I guess. I don't know.

Both? I don't know. Well, there we go. That's the last of the bare sex writing, I think. Thank fucking God. I wish Kid Kaki did a review of this book we can message him it's amazing i'm pretty sure all the reviewers there's there's quite a few and there's a few that i actually really enjoy that you'll hear from okay at a later date um

but i imagine that the introduction of mainstream or widely used streaming porn has really fucked over porn reviewers porn reviewers like i don't i think the most recent one there was like 2005 mainstream, or widely used streaming porn has really fucked over... Porn reviewers? Porn reviewers. Like, I think the most recent one there was, like, 2005. Yeah. I don't know. I guess.

Like, what are they doing now? Are they just leaving comments? The thing is, maybe more people are looking for porn to stream. Or download, even. So maybe they're in higher demand. Because now, it's not like, oh, I've saved my money and I can go buy my porn. It's like, maybe I'll just download 72 fucking videos today. It's like, maybe, maybe that's a boost.

I don't know. Okay. You ready for some Dan? Yep. So Dan has a post back in 2017 with advice on how to initiate a kiss when you meet up with your ex. This is the most frustrating thing i really hope that it's just one word and it's don't yeah but it's not i bet it's like pull her in the corner hide her wait for her uh my name is dame miller and my name is not spain and we are your

fuck buddies sleep tight don't let dan bite or bear or bear, yeah. Don't get mauled by a bear. Don't fuck a bear. Can we just point that out? I'm sorry. Maybe we didn't say it before. I assume it goes without saying, but also someone got paid to write this. Just being tuned out right now by... Good.

Yeah, because... Intro music. They fucking literally got... They won the Governor's General Award for this shit. They got paid by the Governor of Canada to write this shit. Where's my money? Where's our money? Don't fuck with me.