F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 48 - Sand Castle Bully

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

We stop messing around this week and finally talk about what everyone's been begging us for: BEACH GAME.  That's right, we got covered better than Niall's super expensive boy body oil.  Topics include making him cum multiple times in one night, attempted murder break-up, the secret shame of all men, $500 reparations, bad blowjobs and more dancing, sand castle competitions, sex tape preparation.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niles Bain And we are your fuck buddies Dating is hard, but so are we Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I am Niles Bain. And we are your fuck buddies.

Dating is hard, but so are we. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Am I assuming you don't like my new catchphrase? I pretty much just ignore what you say for the first like five seconds of every podcast. Yeah, it's fair. I'm sure most of our listeners do too um i was going to introduce us as the podcast and the furious which is which is the podcast i'm going to start oh man having now seen four the past and the furious movie soon to be five soon to be five

we're watching tonight um can we start the past the furious podcast i honestly don't know what i would say other than just like wow what wow what wow yeah the first episode is all about the floorboard falling out of the car for no reason like physics professors on and being like that would be amazing someone break down we'll get the people who market the nos energy drink hell yeah yeah it's the only consumable item named after a car part apparently according to their Wikipedia I'm sure there's like a hubcap sandwich somewhere no apparently not Wikipedia lie Dane it's true yeah we're just gonna jump right into it hell yeah we are we are. Do you want to go first? I'll go first. No, you go first. Ooh, Daddy Daycare.

It's the worst. Have you done that on the podcast yet? I don't think so. I think I just started it the other day just to piss you guys off. You know what? I'm not even going to read the extra details on this because there's a million of them. I just want to clarify that

Niall has started saying Daddy Daycare as some sort of catchphrase. Just to piss Dan off. And it's the fucking dumbest shit. As someone who likes to started saying Daddy Daycare as some sort of catchphrase. Just to piss Dan off. And it's the fucking dumbest shit. As someone who likes to scream about Daddy Daycare. Or is it the best? It's probably the best. So this is probably going to be a quick one. This is by user Brightfoot.

My 29 year old male girlfriend 26 year old female had a meltdown pointed a loaded gun at herself then me. Whoa. now she wants to stay together there's a lot of details i don't even think i need to go into them i think the most important part is that one point after pointing the gun at him uh she accidentally discharged it into the ground whoa yeah she lowered it and accidentally fired it into the ground as if that

makes it any worse because it's already pretty bad uh advice that's attempted murder my dude yeah it's literally a federal offense to point a loaded gun at somebody yeah i mean like i don't know if it's that it is no i mean like i don't know if it's literally attempted murder but i feel like pointing it no but it is a federal offense point loaded gun oh 100 uh and and like that that's just not okay regardless of whether she had any intention to pull the trigger or not it's like we had a question a couple weeks ago where someone had a loaded gun accidentally fired it it's not hard to do no and like especially when like attentions are running high and if you're mentally unstable yeah which i assume she is or drunk or yeah any number adrenaline makes you a little shaky or you're crying or you sneeze i don't know

or there's pepper in the air or you realize what you're doing and you throw it to the ground and that sets off the fucking gun like or she was gonna kill you yeah or just straight up yeah um get out of here fo get the fuck out of there yeah 100 this is that's one of those things where there isn't even that's why i'm not reading the details because they don't matter because there is no gray line here unless the like unless you also had a gun that's my friend who had a gun on her and it was like a cute like standoff yeah mexican standoff um is that racist i don't know i saw you falter as you said it i was wondering why you weren't saying it i was like hmm i don't think it is because it's a it's

like a i mean i was gonna say it's a western trope but like yeah which makes it worse pretty sure there's plenty of racist tropes and yeah either way unless it was a cute standoff for a movie scene no yeah or like you pulled a gun on her first and it was self-defense at which point still gtfo because y'all need to not point guns at each other and maybe give up your guns too maybe break up with those yeah um i'd start start off that quick one because he doesn't seem to be 100 sure if he should leave leave but also don't tell her when there's a gun near to hand or any weapons or anything yeah this is going to be a much more difficult situation if you guys live together yeah but if you guys don't live together i would say this is that's i cut all ties and one

of those things this is one of those times we advocate ghosting before you yourself become a ghost not a bad idea uh yeah because like yeah either way this is gonna end in in or it should end in ghosting yeah as in you have unfinished business and you need to torment this woman because she's murdered you yeah um on on a more like serious side obviously i think we we had this with somebody who had threatened suicide before there's nothing more serious than unfinished business and hunting someone. That's true. That's true.

On a slightly less serious note, but more serious than us joking about Mexican standoffs. Obviously, if you can get help for someone, because this is not a healthy thing to do. Yeah. By any stretch of the imagination. So, you know know but like ensure your safety first and foremost yep and then you know try and get them help if you can but don't put yourself in danger to do it it might be one of those things where like again if if you really care about this person and you know this was just sort of like a one-time lapse in judgment

and i say you know like there's no harm in saying like look you need to go get help and i'm not pursuing this relationship until you've sought therapy and like and i know that you're in a better place because right now this is not going to work for me no because i want to live yeah you almost killed me yeah and threatened to kill yourself with a gun either way just like always your own safety comes first but if somebody does something like that you cannot put yourself back in that situation. No, of course not. You're like literally 12 million percent sure it's not going to happen again, which is not going to happen unless they seriously seek and get and accept help. Yeah.

And even then, I don't know, but get out. This is where professional medical help really comes into play. Yeah, but you got to get out. Yes, but get out. This is where professional medical help really comes into play. Yeah, but you've got to get out. Yes, but yeah. As the titular movie says, get out. Get out. It's also a great movie. It is a great movie.

Did you ever see that sequel? Or not the sequel, but the next. Us? Yeah. This is Us. Or Us. Us. This is Us.

This is the one with. That's the one that makes everyone cry. Yeah. Yeah. The guy from Heroes. It's a weird-ass movie. It's a weird-ass movie. I always want to say Wilder Valmar,

Valderhamarama or whatever, but that's the guy from... Did you just... 70's show. Vomit? Are you rolling marbles or anything? What the hell is... Milo something?

The guy from Heroes? And this is us? Hero? No, never mind. He stops time? Wilder Valmarama? Man, never mind. He stops time? Wilbur Valderrama. Man, imagine how different that show would be

if it was Wilbur Valderrama. I don't know who that is. It's Fez from the 70s show. Oh, okay. And I don't know. I don't think he's done anything other than the 70s show. He pigeonholed himself

pretty hard with his racist portrayal of wherever he's supposed to be from. If you don't do one right now I'm gonna do another one another one I've got one here um last week we answered a bunch of questions from agent luxury we still have more hell yeah I've got two more you are the best um who wants to this is the one that I uh skipped last week oh because I thought maybe a little bit more conversation. And then I didn't expect you to go on to a 35-minute TED Talk on handjobs.

Nobody's complained so far. This is question number three. I know everyone is different, but do you have any advice for making him orgasm twice in a night? He has told me that no other girl has done it for him before, and I'm somewhat determined to be the first. I want him to have a really good time, so I don't want to push it and make him feel bad for not, but I also want

to try every now and then. Need tips. Can we just point out that while you're reading this question, my advice was already answered by her, because she knows her shit. She knows her shit. Yes, if you put the pressure on, that's just kiss and goodbye. You're fucked. If you're literally like, I'm going to make'm gonna make you come to well there are ways to do it but in

general i think one of the most detrimental things would be to set out that as a goal that seed in his head because like it's it's our men's brains like i think everyone's brain we get hard on the drop of a fucking hat over the stupidest bullshit but the second we know we need to get hard our dick is just like uh you can't control your dick it's like i'm already trying to get hard it doesn't like it yeah you know what i mean like it's one of those things it just kind of happens it has to be synergistic if you try and assert dominance it's gonna just like middle finger you off to the end of time. So I think step one, don't be like, tonight's the night we're going to do that. Because yes, that can be sexy. But it also, I think, adds too much thought and too much like prep.

Yeah. It's like being like, we're going to fuck. That's 7.15. It's not so fun. No. I think surefire way. Fuck early. All right right let's say you guys are hanging out for a night you meet up at six o'clock you're hanging there till 12 you fuck him the second you get there and then give him some recovery time and then like have some food have some liquids yeah

that's the thing like i don't know if you mean twice in one session. That's going to heavily depend on him. But either way, it's all about rest and it's all about naturally easing into the situation. You know what I mean? If you're expecting a back-to-back come

fiesta. Come, come fiesta. I think my new album. I was trying to think of something other than the old porn what there was like a porn thing called come fiesta you've been looking up too many porn dvds you have no idea how much time anything that was released around 2000 2003 man i am well versed in it if you are well versed probably would remember the name but just say i know the name comfiest okay and i was trying to think of a name that wasn't comfiest camaraderie yeah come as you are bonanza i'm sure that's also a fucking porn thing yeah um

so yeah i think uh like rest and like easing into it is like like your dick recovery time everybody's refractory period is different yeah um but like literally liquid uh gatorade maybe some snacks maybe like a little break and then just like put put the moves on them and then you know see how they respond like i find it working better for me if if after like you know a certain amount of time if we've like just been cuddling or or hanging out or even if we've like you know we fucked and now we're watching a tv show before we go to bed or whatever like netflix or something like just a casual like um maybe like a you know you back that ass like into a spoon you know what i mean and like a little grind i think like taking it slowly is definitely the name of the game and like round two nothing too overtly like don't go

straight to like stroking his cock or anything but like just like a hand on the inner thigh you know like get that stimulate the mind yeah his mind first the mind is 100 and that's the thing like there are times where like it needs to be his idea i i i'm pretty like lucky i don't really have much of a refractory period it's kind of great um so like it really doesn't take too much to get me back in the game like i can do back to back often you come every time oh yeah yeah not every time i can usually get hard pretty good but let's just like well i'm just gonna go until you're tired so let me know that's the thing there definitely have been times and even myself sometimes don't know when it's like too early you know i mean especially like when i was younger i'd like jump back in my cock be ready to go and then it's like

12 minutes in i'm like god damn it like yeah you've have you come do i pretend i came like and like you just know that like whatever it's gonna take to make yourself calm is just like it's gonna be superhuman or impossible yeah it's definitely happened a lot of times but uh like more often than not it's not an issue but uh i do think it's almost like you know the way like men are told like what women like you know you know take it slow like really like heat up the forge you know blah blah blah blah now you gotta do that to him where it's usually you probably don't need to it's probably detrimental to having sex for any length of time yeah but now you gotta take it slow you gotta like you know work those neck kisses just like make out and grind like don't just instantly go straight for it and like you want to really like build that pressure and like you can you know hand jobs blow

jobs just like really like get that blood in there see i think i think the hand job and blow job thing is like after no after a while like i mean start slow and then yeah like i said like it's got to be it's got to be his idea you know what i mean it's got to be like you know every now and then adjust to like his hand kind of grazes your boobs or you know you you wiggle in a little bit closer or you know the hand sort of goes on the inner thigh below like just almost uncomfortably close um and that like you're gonna be like oh yeah i like this and that's gonna like because once he's sort of like okay now i really want to fuck you um then he will probably be like yo let, now I really want to fuck you.

Then he will probably be like, yo, let's fuck. Yeah. But also you don't need to be as coy and sly as Dane is saying. I think that's a really good way to start. But you can just like sit in his lap and fucking make out. Yeah. You know, you can like just do a whole bunch of stuff. You don't have to like, it doesn't have to be his idea to initiate physical contact,

but he does have to want to fuck. Yes. Yeah. i think that's you know so just like and don't be too hard on yourself because again like i know some people and it's like they're one and they're done for like a long time this is the thing is like you might be able to get him hard again and like he might be very very willing yeah but sometimes our bodies are just like the mind is willing we're fucking tapped out like i got no more juice to give quite literally like there's no worse feeling oh pardon man juice is what i meant man juice baby batter boy

liquids well that's our that's our show guys. Um, yeah, no, it's, uh, yeah. Don't, don't be upset if he tries and cannot. I'm sorry. I'll stop. If, if he, if he can, cannot, um, man milk, man milk. Man milk might be better than man mucus or male mucus. I'm sorry. What were you saying? Pean pop. Pean pop.

Oh, like, like soda. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Pean pop. Fizzy. Uh, no, no, not, no, not going to do that one. I was going to say penis pus. So here's the thing. You do it one time, and then the second time, you think of it like a pimple, and you want to pop the pus.

Yeah. Just squeeze it. Get your two fingers. Okay, no, don't. Don't deliver bodily harm on this person. This is the answer to the reverse question, where it's like... Testicular tea. It's it's hot oh i like that ball beverage shaft shampoo are they getting worse cock conditioner yes that was a slapping her cock yeah is together

um where the fuck was i what was i saying i don't know um like yeah if if you go and and they can't i think the best thing to do is to be like you got to be chill you can't be like oh like you didn't or whatever like just be honest be like oh if you want to be chill. You can't be like, oh, like you didn't or whatever. Like, just be honest. Be like, oh, if you want to keep going, like if you want me to suck you, if you want me to rub you, if you want weight, like I can do it. But if you're good, I'm good. Yeah. If you seem upset or like kind of pressure them into keeping on going or whatever, like

they're going to feel like shit and that's going to stick in their mind for the next time. That will linger forever. Exactly. They will never forget that ever. Even if like 20 years and they've kind of worked through it. Yeah. It'll be back there. Yeah. their mind for the next time will linger forever exactly we'll never forget that ever that will even if like 20 years and they've kind of worked through it yeah it'll be back there yeah but if you're if you're really chill about it then the next time if you go a second time they're gonna

be like oh it doesn't even matter if i don't come and then they're gonna come well maybe not but it's gonna be more likely because then there's no pressure they're chill you're chill they're just enjoying it and then something's gonna take it by surprise right there's if there's no fear of judgment or reprisal or anything they're gonna be like well worst case scenario i have sex and don't come best case scenario i have sex and i come again so yeah like that's the thing like if there's no like downside then they're not gonna care also there are plenty of times where like I've had great sex and haven't come and it's just like I'm happy to just be

fucking oh yeah if I've made you come I'm good and there's a thing it's like as long as one of us can get there exactly I'm pretty good or even like even if afterwards like if neither of us have come cuz that's happened mm-hmm and we've just been like that was fun yeah great that's the thing like once you're having fun that's all that matters sex is if sex is fun it's fun and it's like it's also done right yeah if it's fun you've done it right if it's not fun and it's like y'all need to listen to our podcast more orgasms are great but like you know if you guys have already come once or twice in the night and you're... You know, maybe you're too drunk. Maybe you're too tired.

Maybe you've just gone too many times. Like, I once had a... Oh, I have to exit this out. Yeah. I think you just minimize it. Or exit? Exit, yeah. Boop! Yeah, like, I did this silly thing where me and somebody are sleeping, but we tried to,

like, see how many times we could fuck in a day. And on the 10th time it like we came but god damn i don't even know oh yeah i don't think i'd be able to do that oh yeah no we did 10 um but i will tell you we came but it wasn't fun yeah and it's like that fucking new girl episode hurt the next day yeah like it was it was sore i've had marathon where it's just like it feels like they're still sort of like a just someone you just just holding your cock yeah it's just like a nice hold not like a comforting like a little a little squeeze yeah someone's just kind of like

because i think it's someone who's scared on a roller coaster grabbing your dick um and it's like no matter what you like do if you like fetish if you just kind of like you know turn and your your dick rose on your underwear yeah oh and god forbid That's my fetish. If you just kind of, like, you know, turn and your dick rubs on your underwear, you're just like, ow. And God forbid you get a boner and then you just have that, like, bruised throat. Yeah, no, it was, to be fair, this was, like, a literal whole day. Like, we went and had steak and oysters in between. Like, we did a whole fucking thing. Oh, okay.

And it was, like, it wasn't, like, you know, two hours. It was, was like 12. Um, but yeah, it was, we did it at the end. It was more for the, like not, not bragging rights, but more to like tick the box. You know what I mean?

Like we did it. Yeah. And, uh, I'm sore. Yeah. God knows how she felt, but I don't know.

Uh, so yeah, I don't know. Did we answer it? I think we did. We got something chill, like hydrate, get some Gatorades, um, fucking, like, slow it down.

Like, tease the fucking tits off his dick. Because there's still tits on his dick when you're done. You did it wrong. Unless it's yours. Why do so many men have shame about admitting to themselves that they want to fuck hot women? How do we get rid of this shame? Let me guess where this is from who feels shame about that i don't know is this is new to me i don't think at any point in time i've ever been

like oh god i you know niall i i know we're friends and and we can talk about anything but like i'd really like to have sex with someone who's attractive wait what i know i know it's disgusting no no sorry what did you say i i think i would like to have sex with someone who is attractive a hot woman no no yeah yeah i i got it thank you um that's not my like what what's wrong with you i'm so ashamed good Good. You should be. And scene. Yeah, I don't, like... No, no, no, I'm not... And another thing.

Yes, and... I'm yelling. Yeah, I... Yeah, I just thought that was really funny. So I'm going to move on because I don't feel like we need to answer that. That's not even a thing. That's not even a thing.

But, like, guess what the 73 people commenting on it believe. That, yes, it is a thing that's not even the thing but like guess what the 73 people commenting on it believe that yes it is a thing um oh this one's good i mean i will say to that on that subject it's probably the problem that people probably have with this sort of mindset is that you're not you don't want to sleep with attractive women that's not the problem it's the fact that you glorify and objectify women who are attractive as nothing more than sexual objects i think that's probably the root of the shame and the root of the like you know the societal ire of your treating women like objects because

you're a piece of shit yeah i like that i think that that's the where the shame comes in yeah not the fact that you want to sleep with people that you're attracted to yeah no one gives a shit about that that is literally how we are designed yo bro i slept with some girl last night oh shit were you attracted to her no good yeah not even close you hell yeah dude wait wait wait you thought she was hot get the fuck bro. We're not about that here. You disgust me. How dare you make yourself happy? Don't come back here until you fuck someone you think is ugly. Okay.

So, this is a screenshot of a text chain. Alright? Okay. And I'm going to start with his. And it says, I'll do anything to make you feel special. Time is going by and I'm not getting any younger. Let me make up to you in some way.

And then it skips forward to today, 1040. I don't know when it was taken. And he just says, please. And she replies, unless you're trying to Venmo me $500, tongue emoji, nothing will work. And he says, and this is the question, am I a dumbass if I give in? Yeah. will work and he says and this is the question am i a dumb ass if i give in yeah yeah 100 don't give this girl 500 what are you doing yeah i mean like if you want to give her 500 go for it but like yes don't don't also i don't know don't think that it means anything. Here's a better idea.

Give me $500. Give our podcast $500. We're giving you advice. She's giving you nothing. Yeah. If you look at what we're giving you at this time. At least 10 seconds of advice. 48 episodes.

That's almost two full days. Over two full days. Over two full days. Your math is on point. What I love is, for once, for once, the comments on Seduction Reddit are on point. This is the dumbest thing I've seen on Reddit today. What the fuck

are you doing? Delete her number and forget about it. You look pathetic. Do better. Please. Listen to me. I don't care how sexy it is. Don't give her are you doing delete her number and forget about it you look pathetic do better please listen to me i don't care how sexy it is don't give her 500 dollars etc i suck with women even i'm not this stupid and he replies i've been trying for a year to hook up with this girl my advice that's a year too long move on it's you know it's yeah it's probably 50 weeks too long yeah no man if if she's literally being like unless you pay me like a decent chunk of fucking money nothing will work also it it's not even like she's saying give me 500 and we'll fuck she's saying that the only way

to please her is to give her 500 there's like you're not getting anything in return for this it's not even like oh if you want to go on a date with me pay me 500 which also is a whole different thing yeah that's a that's another you know can of worms to unpack but like you're not at that point you're literally just throwing like you're not hooking up with her yeah so it's going to be another fucking year and you're gonna be 500 poor i'm also assuming that she's 70 not serious about this i assume she's mostly telling you to fuck off yes i think this is a very like i think it's it's a fuck off with with a little hint of a little poor yeah it's one of those things where it's just like, you know, she's throwing up the wall. She was at six. It's like, oh, fuck off, but also pints?

If she said any amount higher, I think it would have been very clear that she's like, unless you give me a million dollars. But she put it in like a realm of... Yeah. It's a lot, but like... It's doable. It's still... And also, you're considering it yeah you know what

i'm assuming after a whole year you've probably harassed this poor person enough give her the money man yeah you know what get the fuck it's it's probably reparations like you you probably owe her yeah for you've probably sent her all sorts of crude shit yeah man and you know what it means she maybe she can throw this 500 to a couple therapy sessions to get you out of her fucking mind yeah or just like i don't know a new phone number maybe she could go first and last month she can move out of the city and get the fuck away from you yeah although i want to know what city where 250 is rent well i meant like add it to you know like help towards but also i don't know could live in the boonies that's true i'm sure there's some um yeah no like don't do it but also maybe do if you're

that worse that bad that worse jesus um okay you ready oh i've done it i've done done it you've done done it again i've done done it again spent a lot of time yes yes y'all and i was thinking you know i spent a lot of time going through kid cockies and i was like i think we need some fresh blood i'm sorry is there a new challenger approaching um no i don't think so i mean i might bring them back i i didn't read a whole lot because this one just it was the first one i clicked on and it it was just I was like, this needs to be shared. So wait, it is someone we've already done? No, no, this is a new guy.

Okay, that's why I asked and you said no. Sorry, I thought you meant like, is it someone who rivals my affection for Kit Kaki? No, I was just making a Smash Bros joke. Then yes, a new challenger approaches. I'd love to see his outline. This is Duffy Boy. approaches um i'd love to see his outline this is uh duffy boy and the movie is carnival man whores yes um so um i'm just gonna it's very apparent how he feels about this movie so i'm just gonna run down the scores that he's given it uh overall rating d minus female looks not applicable wait i'm sorry

female looks not applicable are there just dudes uh yes this is a i'm pretty sure he exclusively reviews i think he's the the gay porn correspondent oh yeah um i also wanted to get something new um male looks c minus wait, one thing. Is this his own grading score, or is it the website's? I've seen people use this on other things, but it's not consistent across. There's really no consistency from reviewer to reviewer. I would just love to know why. Even from review to review by the same person.

Because Carnival Manhorse does entirely sound like a gay film. So why the fuck do you need to be like, female looks, huh? Not here. I've seen this used as a template. Sex, D minus. Oh, God. Plot acting, D minus. Extras, D minus.

AV quality. Extras? AV quality? Not applicable. Oh, the shade um and i mean that in two ways one because there's probably a lot of shade because the lighting sucks but yeah so he uh he breaks down sort of like the cast and the director and everything um it's a carnival man whore production company legend director no director listed listed they realized that if their name was attached to this movie

their career as a porn director would be over cast no actors credited read below and you'll find out why what are you ready wow this is the worst piece of shit i've seen in a long time i think it wins my title for worst porn i've ever seen i'm actually angry that i wasted one hour and 51 minutes of my saturday saturday morning having to watch it saturday morning this is can i also just like ask like or point out that despite that it didn't fail it probably got the d it still passed i guess yeah i mean he probably still jerked off to it Didn't we all? I just love the idea of this guy, like, you know, Duffy boy waking up at like 9 a.m. and like pouring himself a tea and like, you know, he's giving himself a good, you know, breakfast. And then one hour and 51 minutes later, he's like, damn it.

Yeah. God, fuck. At 11 o'clock, 10 to 11, he's like, ah. He goes to meet his friends for brunch. They're like, hey, how are you doing? He's like, not good. I fucking hate Saturdays. If by some unfortunate accident you rent this movie and decide to watch it,

fast forward through the first 21 minutes. By some accident? I think he means that you go through and you're like carnival man that sounds great it was funny um you were in the joke it is nothing but footage of the cast oh sorry uh if by some unfortunate accident you rent this movie and decide to watch it fast forward through the first 21 minutes it is nothing but footage of the cast dancing around throwing confetti in the air, occasionally pulling out their dicks,

trying to reenact a carnival scene. And trust me, these guys are worse dancers than they are cocksuckers. The first sex scene, if you want to call this sex, is between a really cute, hunky, tattooed go-go dancer and some skinny boy. Okay, sounds about right. You know I like my boys a little muscly and tatted,

so I thought watching the first 21 minutes of this shit was going to be worth it. But unfortunately, as soon as these two start going at it, I knew it was doomed. Oh, God. The go-go dancer poorly licks the skinny boy's nipples for a while before offering his limp noodle for a blowjob. Okay, I'm sorry. How can you poorly lick a nipple?

I'm, well, this guy managed. Was he missing? Maybe he's just like straight up like ice cream cone licking it. Like just full like just like. Even then? I don't know. Was he missing? Was he just like poking at it? I don't know.

It's no wonder it takes a bit of time for him to get hard. The skinny boy sucks dick worse than a teenager with braces. This poor excuse for a blowjob ends and the penetration begins. Go-Go Boy pumps rhythmically and slaps ass now and then while Skinny Boy is leaned over the table with no hard-on looking as thrilled as someone does

receiving an rectal exam. Skinny Boy flips onto his back. Go-Go pumps with the same rhythmic monotony. Skinny Boy still has no hard-on. Me still pissed off. Cut over to the party. Showboy is dancing horrifically. Cut back to the party showboys dancing horrifically. Cut back to the regularly scheduled sex scene already in doggy style progress.

Still with no boner. Changing positions, changing positions. Bad cum shot, bad cum shot. Scene is finished. Bad cum shot? What's bad about it? I don't know. Maybe again.

Maybe they're missing. Is there not enough? Is this guy's aim? Maybe he's just like one of those things where like, is he cross-eyed? I don't know. Maybe he can't see behind the mask. I don't know. Shit.

I don't know. His aim is wild. He's really bad at apex. I'd say thank fucking God. But unfortunately, since the sex is over, it goes back to the dancing. And I found myself asking, what is worse? Watching these people have sex or watching them dance? After several more minutes

of my life are wasted the next real sex abruptly starts as the camera circles around the dance floor it focuses on some guy wearing a mask boner free of course sitting on a friend's dick one of the dancers come over starts to suck his dick for about 20 seconds and then dances off taking the camera with him to show us everyone dancing yet again when the camera finally goes back to the sex it is over and we see the three people who were briefly involved in it jerking off on the Dancing. on the side of the dance floor. It cuts to some dancing, cuts back to them sucking dick, cuts back to some dancing, and then cuts back to one getting fucked as people dance around him and occasionally stick their dicks in his mouth. They fucking suck for a bit before the bottom

and one of his friends excuses themselves to a couch away from the festivities. They exchange horrible blowjobs and then take turns fucking each other. How bad are these blowjobs? I'm not sure, since neither of them seem to be able to keep a heart on. But they do, and they come,

bringing this insult to the porn industry to a close. As for extras, they suck too. Of course, it had your typical internet information and a still photo section, but who the fuck wants to waste more time looking at pictures of these awful porn stars? Now, if I come off sounding upset

in this review, it's because I am. Yeah, we got that. Like I said in the beginning This movie was a waste of my Saturday morning Why do you need to state that twice? Whoever made this crap Would this have been better if it was another time? Yeah like maybe like a Saturday afternoon That's fine

Maybe a Thursday evening Oh definitely okay Whoever made this crap obviously needs a good fuck in the a-hole So we can see how hot man sex truly should be If you rent this movie after my review go fuck your a-hole and if someone rents this for you after reading my review fuck them in the a-hole and tell them they have no taste in good old fashion smut he's so angry he's so angry i want to see the dancing i I know. I attempted to look it up. If this podcast was a visual medium, I could only assume that going forward we would have that dancing as every cut between scenes.

Just like our transition? Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Why do we? Although I imagine a lot of their dicks are out, so we probably couldn't. You could rotoscope some vaginas in. Just our logo over all of the dicks. Dating is probably couldn't you could rotoscope some vaginas in just our logo over all of dating is hard and so are we uh you're ready for some more bullshit from the seduction but

i'm gonna paraphrase this because you know whatever i'm gonna act i'm gonna be it's gonna be another scene all right i'm gonna be trisectrix and you'm gonna be this is gonna be another scene alright I'm gonna be Trisectrix and you're gonna be you okay yo hey hey

hey you got any tips on beach day game cause I'm not gonna lie bro it's summertime people are hitting the beach what openers do you use who do you approach

and how um this is beach day game I think my beach day game is 100%. I think it's just talking to everyone. Or making a fucking rad sandcastle. Or going around and fucking up everyone's sandcastle. Maybe I'm just a bully.

It's possible. I really like the sandcastle one, actually. I hadn't expected any kind of real shit. I think, like, make a really cool sandcastle. Yeah. And if a girl comes up, or a boy, what are you into? We don't know. Whatever.

And they're like, hey, nice sandcastle. Then one, good job. But two, they're sick. They're awesome. Unless they meant it sarcastically, in which case it might be Dane bullying you. If you see me running towards your sandcastle, do whatever you can to get me out of the way because I will fuck that sandcastle up. No, he will fuck the sandcastle.

Then I will have sex with that sandcastle. And then carnival dance away badly. Yeah. Bad cum shot. Bad cum shot. And then I'm out of there. I'll badly lick your nipples and while I'm doing it, Dane's going to fucking belly flop on your fucking sandcastle.

Deal with it. Yeah. Fuck buddies. Uh, dating is hard and so is building a sandcastle in our vicinity. Yeah, I think what you need to do here's a combination of what I've learned from the Seduction subreddit. You make a sweet ass fucking sandcastle.

Then you throw that sand in the girl's eyes. Yeah, or, you you know when they take her on a visual roller coaster when someone comes up inevitably comes up and been like hey man that's a fucking sick ass sand castle you say yeah i know where's yours loser neg immediately push pull i will say i know you're joking but if a girl comes up and says hey really nice sand castle and you challenge her to a sandcastle building competition, that's probably really cool, though. I don't know, man.

To be fair, I probably would say that. That would be amazing. Not in a bad way. Don't call her a loser. I'd call her a loser. But make it a joke. I don't know, man. Challenge her to a fucking sandcastle.

I thought we were going to just rag on this guy, but build a sandcastle, challenge her to a sandcastle building competition. This is amazing. Yeah. I mean, honestly, if you want to go to the beach and just, you know what I mean? guy but build a sandcastle challenge the sandcastle building competition this is amazing yeah i mean honestly if you want if you want to go to the beach and just you know what i mean like see what you can do see what see who you can attract go to the dollar store and buy that big like you know mesh sack of all the beach toys of like the shovels and the pails and stuff and like find a couple

cuties throw your shit down in front of them be like sandcastle battle let's go what up i'm not gonna lie if and then just start aggressively building sandcastles in front of them until either they're like they move away or they join you well don't do it to the point where they move away that's the only option either either you fight me in a sandcastle battle this is a good idea and you're ruining it by being over-the-top jokey. It's my kingdom. I've put a castle there. I will say.

If they're not going to participate in my royal festivities, they can find a new place to lie down. I will say a few things, but one of them is there's this really cool Dollarama game you can get. It's like Frisbee goals where there's two inflatable cylinders with a little frisbee hole in them. And there's all these rules. But those cylinders, one, work on the sand if you want to play frisbee golf with them. Two, work on the water because they float. Three, double as beer coolers. So get that just in general.

There's a beach tip from your boy Niall. But on top of that, what you need to bring to the beach is some oil so this isn't about sandcastles at all and you know you do you turn and you say hey i'm gonna oil you up but it's not to a girl you're saying it to saying it's your bro and then you oil your bro up and you get all your other bros and you oil yourselves up and you play volleyball sensually against each other i agree oiled there's only there's one step i'm afraid you're gonna miss i'm gonna let you finish and then you play and you play and you you just like you jump and you play and then you make sandcastles

no you've missed you missed one of the most crucial steps you play danger zone no kenny loggins no the wrong kenny log it's playing with the boys by kenny loggins why not both at the same time you have two boom boxes both sides amp for amp you're playing two kenny loggins songs every time the opposing team scores, you play Danger Zone. Because that's, like, let's be fair right now. Me and you, let's put it out there. They score, that is dangerous, right? But you're also playing with the boys the whole time. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You score playing with the boys. Because the boys, guess what? You're winning. But who decides? Shh. Shh. So we are just concurrently playing both sides. No, no, no. Amp for amp. I don't think you're winning. But who decides? Shh. Shh. So we are just concurrently playing both sides. No, no, no.

Amp for amp. I don't think you're listening. If you score playing with the boys, if they score, danger zone. Because like, let's be fair. But am I the one in charge of the music? Shh. Shh. No.

If you score playing with the boys. If they score, dangerous. score, it's dangerous. They're getting... Do you not understand? They get another point, they're closer to beating you. Right? And then... Sandcastles.

Sandcastles. Yeah. To be honest, I've wanted to do this in reality. Not the Sandcastles bit, but I've wanted to go... You want to blow me up and play volleyball? You just have to ask. Yes, 100% and have, like, an old school 80s fucking boombox just blaring Kenny Loggins playing with the boys on loop.

Let's do it. Because. Can that be our year thing? Maybe. Our only, like, thing we release is just us playing volleyball to play with the boys? We need. How many boys? We need four people.

On each team? Nope. two and two shit um and here's the thing three are shirtless one of them wearing a shirt and no t-shirt strangely he's he's like uncomfortable like he's the one that makes me uncomfortable of course it's not the sweaty shirtless boys it's the one who doesn't take a shirt the thing is what is he hiding yeah the best thing is like i look at i look at the other three i know exactly how much oil you have on you look at him i don't know maybe no the thing is like maybe not a drop of oil but that's that's the thing he could be dry which is like that's fucking man. Or like we know we got like a meter radius on around someone lighting a match, someone lighting a cigarette, you know, a lighter for him. If he over oiled, like fuck could be, could be two meters, could be three.

We could be in danger. One might even say we're in the danger zone while playing with the boys. We did it, Kenny Loggins. R.I.P. Is he? I don't know. Can I just point out that we, like, I know it probably sounds like we edited that. We did it at the exact same time, and I'm very impressed.

Don't you dare touch that part, Dane. Why would I? I don't know. I added another part to make it sound like we didn't say the same thing. You fucking turd. Okay, or will i go again nope i have one more oh i'm gonna end this with some weird ass shit okay because i'm getting very warm oh my god i've been sweaty since like five minutes in um wait we have another agent luxury right yes that's what i'm doing oh perfect yeah um this is the last one and then yes you're the best we're out of agent luxury questions after that for now for this yes until you have i mean i hope she never has to ask this question again thing it's like

agent cody wanks haven't heard from them in a while did they just get sick of us or are they just doing so well did we just solve all of his problems if you're listening send us a message say yes or no i don't know which one means which but send it um he has brought up the idea of making a sex tape which what i think would be fun honestly though i don't know it would be as hot and as sexy as he imagines it mostly because i am too inexperienced to be very sexy on camera have you guys ever made one any tips here i would say yeah there's there's a lot to think about there um it's a new enough relationship right um they've dated for nine months um but they were long distance for eight and they've recently started

sleeping together within this month yeah it's one of those things where you want to be comfortable with somebody having a video of you in an intimate situation that they, you know, you need to be able to trust them that they're not going to, you know, give it out or show other people or do whatever. That's step one. Okay. Okay. No, you go. I'm going to add on to that is it doesn't matter how much you trust someone. If, if you are going to make a sex tape, I would say deleted immediately.

Like it's not something you keep around and not because you worry if you break up he's gonna do something but it's like there was that whole snapchat leak yeah that like we think snapchats are gone after the you know 24 hours or whatever after you watch it but it's all stored somewhere yeah and someone leaked a shit ton of nudes of people yeah and also also just like i'm sure you're not using your camera your video recorder on a tripod probably using your phone we found two three phones between us yeah each i don't know like you leave it in uber or anything you know i mean it's like just because that person you know that your partner would never ever do anything like that even if you guys break up even if it's messy whatever you know he has the moral integrity to not release any sexy videos you guys have taken together it doesn't mean that

someone's not going to mug him yeah and all of a sudden you lose your phone or you accidentally there's any number of things that can happen to your digital files that it's not worth it to take the risk so So make your video. Unless you're a million percent okay with that, which, you know, it is up to you. It's just you really need to be aware of those things. If you really want to, put it on a fucking USB drive and throw it in a safe. You know what I mean?

Then the safe goblin will get it, but, you know. I mean, you have to worry about fucking bank heists, which I'm pretty sure is what Fast and Furious 5 is about. Probably. At some point. Yeah, that's the thing. Somebody drives a fucking Camaro through your house while drinking Coronas with their family. Like, what are you going to do then?

Your nudes are... They fucking throw a chain around your safe. Yep. They drive down the street. Are you going to fucking drag race after them? I don't think so, because Vin Diesel got that nause. You got nause? That's the thing.

Firstly, you need to get nause. How's your drifting skills? Yeah, learn to turn, get nause. Sorry, this got really aggressive real fast. I'm sorry sorry i'm all hyped up with the sandcastle idea yeah um no 100 like just be aware like they're they're it's not like it's a risk-free thing to do yeah um also like you gotta be aware of an in another sense like people like you aren't gonna look like people on porn because one you're not shot that way two you're not lit that way three you're not made up that way like makeup wise have you seen like that thing where it's like porn stars when they arrive on set and porn stars after like before they shoot their scene and it's it's it's crazy like there's there's this great

a makeup like a porn makeup artist artist released this thing to be like, okay, we need to stop, you know, equating women in porn to reality. Because they're like, here are the women that show up on set. And it's like, they look like completely different people. And it's a really cool article. I might actually post it on the group because it's cool to look at. But, yeah, you're right. It's like they're in the makeup chair for like an hour, if not longer.

And not just the faces. Yeah. Everything. And they have like a professional makeup artist. They're literally professionals. And a professional hairstylist. You have as much chance of looking like them as you do as like going up and doing river dance the same way. You know what i mean like but on top of that like there are literally like if you know anyone who's like an influencer or a model

or whatever there are tricks to posing and to putting yourself and arranging and angles and blah blah blah blah blah and the same is true with sex where like like i i've done the the video thing and i have had people be upset being like, Oh, like my leg was up in the air and like my calf was like swinging, uh, on my fat. You know what I mean?

Like I feel really fat. Like I look at that, like my muscles are like shaking back and forth or like this, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like,

yeah. Cause you're not tensing them because you're like a human, you know what I mean? You're not like, you know, consciously going, Oh, I'm on this angle.

I'm doing this. My leg is tense. My leg is rigid. My leg is, but like, you're not like you know consciously going oh i'm on this angle i'm doing this my leg is tense my leg is rigid my leg is but like you're just like but it's also a wild thing because like i promise you if you took the time to look at like professional porn i'm sure you could find someone's calf swinging i'm sure you could but guess what no what well i'm sure there's one fucking calf pervert out there who's wildly jerking off. And that's fine. I'm not king shaming you. But like, that's not what people are watching porn for. Yeah. And that's the thing.

It's like, you just, again, by all means, if you want to do it, do it. But you need to be aware of those things and not let them really get you down. Because like, you're going to be like, wow, I look like shit. Or wow, I do this. Or wow, like whatever. But you've got to realize you're missing the light. You're missing the directors. You're missing the cuts. you're missing the light. You're missing the directors. You're missing the cuts.

You're missing the editing. You're missing the makeup. You're missing the, like the specific fucking workout platform for this porn video. That's your fucking career. You know what I mean? Like it's not going to look like that. Um, I will also say that that's cool on the, on the flip side, chances are he's going to be turned on by the act of it more than the end product.

Because, again, he's not producing this. He's happy to just film you because there's that sort of like. Just like that turn on being watched. Yeah, of being like, oh, like, you're my personal porn star. You know what I mean? And vice versa. Yeah, you know what I mean? And there if you're and vice versa yeah you know what i mean and there's like that there's that really cool thing so like don't worry too much again if

you're cool with it and you're you're you're willing to try it um there don't worry too much about the end product think of the think of the act of it you know what i mean the the fact that you guys have done it together you fooled around and what i would say is immediately after when you guys are like relaxing and cooling down watch it or if you want to make them come twice in a night after you've you've made your video tell them to pull it up after a couple minutes and be like let's watch it but again i'm gonna get you right first yeah yeah hydrate the poor boy first by um and then as you're watching it maybe maybe your hand finds his way down to the table maybe you tell him how hot he looks fucking you yeah you

know and be like fuck i want you to do that right now yeah let's do this again yeah it might be enough to sort of you know kick it in that's true i i just i just want people to be prepared for the self-conscious dragon that's gonna rear its way up because yeah you're gonna look pale as fuck yeah you're gonna look weird there's gonna be parts of you that are different proportions than you hoped or then you looked or whatever you know what i mean like none of us look perfect at all ever so once you're aware of that and you're cool with that by all means you know and be be aware that maybe he's gonna look at it and be a little self-conscious about things because again y'all ain't professional porn stars i assume yeah um

and like it is literally professions productions this whole thing but if you're good fuck yeah do it you know just be aware i think is and here's my tip to you pull the camera back a bit oh yeah don't go too close don't go too close nobody Don't go too close. Nobody wants the back of those balls. Yeah. Well, no, I'm sorry. Somebody does. Yeah. But someone, the same guy who's fucking calves in the back of ball sacks. Hey, that's what I'm into.

Hey, you know what? Leave Dave out of this. You know what? Sorry, Agent Dave. Yeah, I mean, like, whatever. Do your thing. Yeah. No, again, if you want to do it, do it.

And it's one of those things where you can, like, you mean like whatever, do your thing. Yeah. No, again, if you want to do it, do it. And, uh, um, and it's one of those things where you can like, you guys can teach each other. Like if you want to keep doing it, be like, okay, next time maybe we need a little more lighting this way. Or maybe we'll turn like the, the light, the flash on the camera on. Let me tell you that will make your eyes pop. Just saying. tell you that will make your eyes pop just saying um but uh but yeah no there's there's tons of things you can do to uh and that like i highly doubt the first time you do it you're gonna be

like damn we nailed it but it's it's a possibility we believe in you i do believe in you and that's our last asian luxury question we've cleared the docket. We've done it. Also, you're the best. Yeah. Let's end this, boy. This is the last... Wait, are you comfy? Yes. Audibly make yourself comfortable.

This is The Last Banquet by Jonathan Grimwood. Reaching behind me, I found the brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took a drop of milk on my finger, and Manon smiled when she realized what I was doing. You know the peasant saying, if you can't imagine how neighboring vineyards can produce such different wines, hold one finger in your woman's quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions. My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted like salt as anchovy and delicious.

At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco. No! It's so good when I don't pre-read them because i expect that's it also quim i don't know if you can use quim and arse in the same sentence well they just done did it well that that's that's that's your boys for the week. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening. It's been a pleasure. I hope you had half as much fun as we did. And I hope you're not

nearly as sweaty as we are right now. I hope you're twice as sweaty as we are. Ooh, maybe. If you have. Maybe you have to listen to that tobacco asshole. Yeah. Tobacco hole? Tobacco. Tobacco. Tobacco hole? Tobacco. Tobacco.

Tabasshole? Tabasshole. Tabaskahole? Ooh. Tabaskohole. Ooh. If you have a question, to get the treatment like we've given Agent Luxury over the past two weeks, we will answer your questions.

Yeah, we don't give a fuck. Even if we have multiple of them, we'll get through them all. Even Agent Cobra, we went through like five of her questions if you're out there going oh i shouldn't send them that much no we're like these guys are the best because they sent us yeah so it makes our jobs easy because we don't have to go into reddit to find random questions what agent luxury she's up the top now yeah not maybe the first but she's up there like we got a little fucking she's on the leaderboard yeah oh she's on the fucking leaderboard i think top tree definitely probably yeah um good job so if you have if you have a series of questions one question even if you're like it's not really that important

throw it our way we'll probably have something to say about it yeah worst case we go lol i mean mention it we talked about fucking sandcastles for like 10 minutes today you have any sandcastle questions oh man if you need advice on sandcastle building hit me up if you want to talk about fast and furious yeah or apex legends some beer we don't know what the hell we're doing we don't really care what we're talking yeah we'll we'll talk about anything um but if you do want to reach out to us either to talk about something we said if you have a differing opinion um we say all the time we want this to be a conversation yeah and we are not perfect yeah so you can you can reach us to us uh on a variety of platforms uh you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com you can find us on facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast

and you can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies thank you josh eagle and harvard cities for a song paper stars as per usual yeah it's a good song i like it it's uh every now and then it pops up on like my spotify i have a playlist and it's like the whole song is there and i'm just like i've never listened the whole way it's there probably in the middle i don't know um i think it'd be weird if i did honestly it's it's very strange to listen to it because i've never listened to my bim bam song yeah fully it's good it's it's kind of surreal to hear the whole thing and be like because like you get to the part that we we use and i'm just like hey there it is nice um do you have a dan for us? I actually don't because last week you said that we are supporting him.

So I stopped. No, we have to. All right. That's the end. Bye guys. No, we need another Dan.

Then go find one your goddamn self. Okay, here we go. How to make sure that your ex never leaves you. All right. You're not far off. You ready? Yep. New post. you uh all right you're not far off you ready yep new post how can i get my ex to stop being so indecisive and just make a decision to be with me or not oh daniel guess what they have yeah they

have they're your ex can we just like reread that like they're your ex they've made the decision hey you know when they broke up with you and became your ex yeah wait was was that was that a decision can they just stop being so indecisive god they're always like hey i don't want to be with you but like can you just make a decision make up your mind. My name is Dane Miller. Does your ex secretly want you to fight for the relationship? And I'm not Spain. That was also one. And we're playing with the boys.