F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 49 - Yommy Mommy

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

This week Dain wrangles a drunken Niall through the episode, but not without dropping some serious revelations.  Niall comes up with the best and worst relationship analogies.  Topics include a baby named Misogyny, wholesome porn, when to say the L-word, learning nothing on a first date, seducing MILFS and jail bait.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Mel Spain, and uh... We are your fuck buddies. That was so demure. Man man i actually really enjoy this stuff it's actually on a whim it is very good we're drinking

the the cavi k-a-v-i yeah coffee cavi yeah um i assume it's coffee like coffee i think coffee uh it's a coffee whiskey blend it's it's it's still like what 40 plus percent yeah it's it's a coffee whiskey blend. It's, it's, it's still like what? 40 plus percent. Yeah. It's, it's not like a liqueur. Cause that's when I first, like Amanda got, I picked it up and Amanda was like, it's pretty much a liqueur. And I was like, ah, fuck, really? Is it, is it gonna be like 15% or some bullshit?

I was like, I don't know. It's still, it's going to kick you right in the dick. It's still a whiskey. Uh, I actually met the girl who brews it and, or sorry, distills it, I guess technically. And, uh, she's really nice too. So thanks for doing this with your hands. I'm going to just recommend it because, I don't know, we're not sponsored by anybody yet. But hey, fuck it.

We can still say some good shit is good. Yeah, we can still say things are good. On that note, I just came from tasting 30 breweries fucking beers. So I can keep going if you want. No, we're good i'm just gonna occasionally yell the name of a good brewery okay blood brothers um do we do it do we just get into it i'm gonna go for it i feel lost without just a myriad of like questions already given yeah i actually had to work this week and yeah i'm gonna like once again point out that

agent luxury is amazing yeah um but also like it's so much better when we have is it deleted it's fucking deleted and you know what's funny is i've actually started to uh screenshot or copy and paste stuff that i think might get deleted it's crazy that, literally none of, I think there's been one of my questions that have been deleted. Well, you know what, I'm just going to go for it. Because honestly, this is the kind of one that I don't even have to try and make up the additional details because it doesn't matter shit. I think the only real things you need to know is that one of the couple, English is not their first language, and the other one is a little strange. My brother, 26-year-old male, and his girlfriend, 20-year-old female, are calling their baby misogyny. Now, is it spelled exactly like...

Oh, yeah. Is it a male? Or is it spelt exactly like oh yeah is it a male or is it female I take it back I wish to god I knew the extended details I can't I don't know

I mean it doesn't matter it really it really doesn't matter because this is like naming a baby racism like it's no it's a terrible idea. Um...

I don't have anything else other than to say don't do this to your poor child. Well... Oh, wait, niece. Oh, wait, no, shit. Oh, goddammit. I gotta... I gotta find out whether it's a boy or a girl now.

Because it's, like... The only way I can see this panning out for them is that they'll then go by the name Missy. You know what I mean? Like what else are you going to do with misogyny? Yeah. Oh I think it's

a boy. Does that mean he's going to be more or less misogynistic? I don't know. Yeah I mean like it's it's one of those things where either they're going to be so hyper aware of every misogyny, like every act of misogyny. Or they're just going to go like, oh, it's my name.

I'm going to embody this. Exactly. Or they're going to lean into it. Again, this is like naming a child, like, homophobia. Oh, no. Oh, this is my daughter, homophobia. And this is my son, racism. Like, what are you doing?

This is my cousin, Islamophobia. Yeah. He's a dick. I hope... Like, I just want this kid to be taken... Like, just a second. The second they're like, yeah, we want to name our kid misogyny, and then social services just drop from the ceiling.

I point out that is the crux of the question which is the only thing i remember about this question because i figured it would not get deleted but i don't know why uh was that they were wondering if they could and or should call child protective services on their brother or yeah brother and girlfriend, before the child is born, three months before, to get the name changed. Can you do that? Can you call child services on a shit name? I'm going to say probably not,

but I want to say that this should be a service. This is the world I want to live in, where people can, like, call the cops. And it's not even, like, child services. Like, the actual police. Perhaps even a SWAT team.

Probably a SWAT team. And just shut the shit down. Yeah, I'm sorry. What's your emergency? They're trying to call my niece. Misogyny. Move, move, move! Scramble the jets!

Like, just fucking snipers honestly if you kill the kid it's probably better too no no I'm not gonna say that but you did you edited that out though right did I

yeah I don't think you can call the cops on that shit but maybe you should. They are doing a crime. No, you need to just tell them. Okay, first, I think the fact that, like, one person in the relationship wasn't very good at English, maybe just make sure everyone knows the full extent of the meaning of the word. Yeah.

And if it's still a thing, then just talk about like being bullied and or just being like i'm not sure if you bully someone i could just be confused by this yeah i mean like there's i mean misogyny sounds like massage a me you know like massage me there you go like there's there's tons of things ironically misogyny i can't say it now ironically misogyny is now going to be subject to a lot of hey you're gonna massage me yeah and that's not cool and it's also ironic miss andrew is that the female version of it oh this is his brother this is her brother um yeah no this is this is a terrible idea't do it. I just want people to think, be like, what would my life be if this was my name? Yeah.

And you would, should hopefully realize that it's garbage. Yep. It's a garbage life. Yeah. Um, and you. Or at least at the start, but that's kind of one of the most important parts. Cause that shapes you. Oh yeah.

That's the easiest way to fuck up a person. like imagine me like I'm dr. Misogyny Also great porn name. Yeah, or like like oh my god villain. Oh my god You're a farcical villain or a weird porn. That's it. Yeah And honestly in like by the time this guy's old enough to do porn i i think as a society porn is going to evolve so far that like he's not they don't massage you need to be part of it no he's not even be able to like funnily get the job like as a joke you know what this is a perfect segue i was gonna save this for later can i just re-point out again maybe this won't be as effective but we don't actually show each other our questions

does this actually fit uh what does it actually fit yeah yeah cool um because we don't show each other our questions so go for it we're talking about porn and we're talking about funny porn um i actually don't have a point of view but while i was looking for porn review no we're ending the question and the game and everything our Our whole lives. I found a member on Pornhub. And he's a verified user. He's a verified submitter. His name is Ryan Creamer. Now, I know...

Like, cream? Like, C-R-E-A-M-E-R? All right. Now, I know what you think this is going to be, but I promise you, you don't. He makes wholesome porn videos. And by that, I mean he doesn't make porn at all. For example, one of his videos is called... Like he makes hardcore porn, softcore porn?

No, no, no. I'll just read off a couple of the titles. Oh, yeah. I use a plain bathroom for its intended purpose. He just poos? I think he just pees Ginger Banks and I just try on our outfits In separate dressing rooms Girls stuck in sync

Get safely extracted I play with toys to completion And it's him just playing with some toys Wait wait wait I'm sorry what toys? I play with toys to completion, and it's him just playing with some toys. Wait, wait, wait. What toys? Wait, I'm sorry. What toys? Like sexual toys or regular toys?

Oh, no, regular toys. Okay, but that's weird, though, because if it's to completion, does he just cum? Because that's now kinky. Well, actually, it might be Legos, so maybe he just finishes putting together the Legos. Secretary and boss enjoy healthy working relationship. That's not porn though. None of this is porn. No, but he was saying healthy porn.

Some of them is like if you're in different changing rooms, you're probably going to see some ball sack. That's porn. You know? I drive my Tinder date home safely in a Tesla autopilot. Are these on Pornhub? Yes. Hell autopilot. Are these on Pornhub? Yes. Hell yeah.

These are actually on Pornhub. I bake cookies for the hot singles in my area. Okay, but I would love to know how much this guy fucks. All the time. I bet constantly. Because he has videos with professional porn stars. Like this one is, I cloud gaze with Mia Malkova. Malkova.

Malkova. Malkova. Malkova. Malkova. Yeah, I just wanted to share. No, it's amazing. So if you ever just need some wholesome... Everyone knows how to drill a hole, but not into someone. Yeah. Or I think it's a good palate cleanser.

If you watch really weird porn, or stuff that makes you feel a little like ashamed afterwards just to run a ryan creamer video and just be like that's such a good name uh real name or fucking god damn it real question did you watch them i haven't i know i watched uh i watched one called uh um i hold my i hold hands with ebonyfriend as she talks about her day. Do you want a real question? I don't know. Do you want a fake one?

Yes. All right. Are you ready? Uh-huh. Oh, guess where this is from. A seduction. No. What?

I went on seduction today trying to find a question. I was just like, I hate all this. Oh, they're the worst. This is user Mike. Oh, oh no why am i getting viruses what did i click i don't know i guess this is okay this is trap this is by my sad act psa guys are scared of being hurt i can take some time to open up too and then there's just way too much shit that I'm not getting into it because like I feel like that's appropriate

a lot of people don't seem to realize that like it seems to be like in in shows and stuff have you ever seen a male character who's like yeah I've been in a shit relationship but I need time no it's usually like women who are like yeah I feel like we can both deal with that yeah yeah

i was trying to think of a show if there was ever like a good character like male character who expresses vulnerability i'm sure there is i'm sure there probably is like but it's not typical no absolutely not and it's also like it's rarely expected yeah it's it's not typical it's not expected and i feel like a lot of people who do say it are seen as being like oh they're a player or like oh they're a relationship or like but like i think we've both very much been there yeah that's why i thought was a good question that's why i'm not reading the additional details because i don't think it's from his point of view i actually never read them so um yeah no it's it's one of those things

especially that like something I dealt with when I was single where I was just like yeah I'm not really looking for a relationship right now or at least like I'm not looking to jump into one

let's see where this goes yeah and we've definitely talked about where people have been like like there was a girl I was actually really into and she was like

we've been on X amount of dates and it's been two months and I don't want to waste my time and it's like well cool but like i've seen you yeah it's like yeah we've gone on x amount of dates but it's like i've also seen you that amount of time like we have hung out yeah i think it was like five i was like we've hung out five times i have no idea if i want to be in a committed relationship with you. I'm sorry, but no. I don't think, I will say like on a flat out fucking rule basis,

I don't think anybody should be in a relationship with anyone after five dates. Absolutely not. Unless each of those dates lasted two months. I don't know. Yeah. Or even one month. Yeah, no, it was one of those situations where I'm just like, I would much rather prefer

just kind of like seeing where this goes yeah organically when you know when it gets the good shit but yeah a hundred percent i do feel like just people don't ever expect a guy to say that yeah and when you do it seems like a game or like yeah just like an immediate red flag or like yeah and you're like no i'm being honest with you right now remember that thing that like everyone told me that i should be yeah like there's always this complaint that like you know oh relationships would be better if everyone was honest and then the second you're honest there's sort of like this but what does it really mean yeah you're like no fuck off but i feel like it's one of those things you're taught as

a guy to not say and to not feel to not project you know yeah i mean which i think is also bullshit because like being hurt by previous relationships or situations isn't a gender yeah it's not a unique experience it's just like wow we're humans and sucked. So I kind of need to take it some time to like recover. Yeah. Like it's, I don't know. Yeah. And like, again, just because someone doesn't want to date you immediately doesn't mean they won't want to date you eventually. At all.

There were so many people I didn't want to date immediately. Or even after a good amount of time who I've dated for three years plus. Yeah. or even after a good amount of time who i've dated for three years plus yeah because i really like them and i got the time to like discover them and really like them and you know really appreciate them and love them and there are other people who are like now yeah and that kind of cut it off of the knees before they ever even got to have absolutely i mean like there are some people i do think they never would have worked from, but others that it probably would have. Yeah. Like for quite a long time if they, you know.

Just pump the brakes a bit. You know, this actually, again, kind of leads into my next question. No, you're going to make it look like we tell each other the questions. I mean, it doesn't really, but just talking about like red flags and stuff. This comes from Reddit user FreckledFox816. He didn't ask anything about me. Is this a red flag? I think the following situation might be a red flag with this guy,

but I want an outside opinion as well. She's 28 and the guy she's seeing is 35. Met a very fun guy at a low-key bar this past weekend. Not a party bar, but mostly locals watching preseason football. He was funny, kept me laughing, and we ended up exchanging numbers. He asked me out for a drink this Tuesday after work. Here's the red flag part, in my opinion. He never asked me anything about me. He asked like two questions about my job, I'm a teacher, but nothing really more personal. Meanwhile, I learned about his friends, his family, his job, and a couple of

his hobbies. I'm usually more of a listener, so it didn't bug me to listen and keep the conversation going. What bugs me about this is that he messaged me saying that he really likes me and would like to meet up again. My feelings are that maybe he likes the look of me, because he obviously doesn't know a lick about who I am and what my life is about. Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do I see if date two he asks more questions? Or is this just one of those, hey thanks, but no thanks?

Well, I'm going to uh see what they think on the date like day two yeah yeah or day one really well they've already been on day one that was when he asked no questions uh i thought it was like okay well uh in my opinion it's kind of like I'm a little torn because in one sense she says that she is more of a listener which

therefore means she's not putting out shit or like reacting stuff and like when you're on a date and there's silence you gotta fill that silence yeah

and if you're trying to talk to somebody and they're kind of being like oh yeah tell me more you're gonna kind of be like okay I guess you'll do it like there's not a lot of shit you can really, like, you can't just, like, force somebody to talk.

So if you know that about yourself, I do think you need to really give people some leeway. However, having not been on a date, like, there is also a point where, like, if you just talk about yourself the entire time, that's not good either. Yeah, I would love to know context. Because he learn nothing from you or did he just not ask questions? Yeah. Because it's very different. I can learn a lot about a person without ever asking a question about them. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And also, this guy, he's 35. There might be just the sense that he he understands that dates aren't uh job interviews yeah you know what i mean like the the worst first dates are like what do you do yeah what what do you do all right do you have brothers or sisters yeah what's your favorite color what's your shoes like and this is the thing like all that shit doesn't matter also like in that first initial sort of like am i attracted to you or not your favorite color doesn't mean shit to me you know what i mean like all these little details about your personal life don't matter what i want to see is a big picture and

be like is it fun to hang out with you do we get along also very importantly is like if i'm putting forward shit and you're responding really enthusiastically that's a conversation and you're excited and like we're having a good time even if you're not putting shit forward if you're responding and we're like what like we get off on a tangent where i'm like oh i do this and you're like oh my god what's that like and we keep going like yeah i haven't gone wait wait wait sorry we're talking too much about me what are you doing but if it's natural yeah if we're having a good conversation good flow i cut it off and i'm like sorry sorry sorry i know we're talking about the himalayas but how's being a school teacher yeah you know or just anything just being like if if you sit down and you're like the only real

like at the beginning is like how'd you how was your day you know what i mean yeah and then like it's it's polite it's common courtesy to be like and like how was your day but after that like no matter depending on where the direction goes of the thing because like if if he asked you first and he's like hey like how was your day and you're just like good how was yours and he had a story to tell you yeah or said something and you were like oh cool i'm then yeah um it would be weird to like constantly parrot back the question because that's not really a conversation yeah so again it could be a shitty one where he was just like talking and you never got your you know answer in but it sounds more like if you're saying yourself to your listener that maybe you never

gave yourself the chance to shine and like in a and maybe you're really good at replying and he just kept going but also like you always gotta fill that silence on a date yeah i would definitely give it a second chance if you want to be more heard then be more vocal yeah and like there's absolutely nothing right now that would make me say don't go on the second date no or the third date or whatever like if it was one of those things where you're just like i wasn't really feeling the spark but he is cute i'd be like yeah no don't worry about like even then maybe um but it's like if if the only thing that's keeping you is that like he hasn't unveiled miscellaneous personal trivia about you

because like i said like yeah how many brothers and sisters you have have no bearing on whether or not you'll be a compatible partner regardless of like what it is putting yourself out there is like a personal choice as well like some people will try and it's it's up to you to respond if he literally never asked you anything i'm sure that will be a bigger thing i can't imagine he never at all referred to you yeah i mean that's like i would love to know if he was just like did you was there no point in time where he was like if it wasn't how are you or what do you do or anything if he was just like, was there no point in time where he was like, if it wasn't. How are you? Or what do you do?

Or anything. If he just was like, hi, I'm this and just went. Yeah. Because I think at that point you probably wouldn't be asking the question. So, you know, try, try, put yourself forward a little bit. Yeah. And like, if someone says something, if he's like, oh, like, I just got back from a trip from Asia and it was great and I had a great time, blah, blah, blah, story about Asia.

You can respond. Don't just say like, oh, that's really cool. Yeah. You can be like, hey, I... And then wait for him to ask you about if you travel or anything like that, because that's a weird thing to do. Yeah. If someone tells a story...

Also, if you haven't traveled, it might be bad for him to do. So he's probably like hed, hedging his bets. Yeah. Because, like, yeah. Like, if you were like, hey, I was once in Berlin and I had a great time and blah, blah, blah. I could be like, hey. But then you were. I also.

You were there with me. I know I was there with you. God damn it. You ruined it. We had really good. We're severing the tie here. You could be like, oh, cool. I was also.

Or like, I've always wanted to go to Berlin. But you weren't there. i was there um guys don't listen he's lying to you right now he was there just throw your hat into the conversation yeah exactly like if they're if they're somewhere like yeah i was somewhere it doesn't even have to be similar like oh my god what's thailand yeah i was in south africa or i was here oh i haven't actually traveled like yeah just talk about it get that conversation going and if he just steadfastly refuses to enter into any conversation that you commit to yeah that's an issue yeah then he might be a narcissist and it's and if that bothers you then yeah you can cut ties but also

if you don't proffer anything then oh might be your fault and this is good sort of like just first date 101 i also think it's kind of on the level to not really ask too many personal questions yeah you have no idea like if you're like asking questions about their family and they have a horrible fucking family life that's gonna like pull up all this trauma that you don't want on a fucking first date so like if you're in a flow of something like if you're chatting oh my god that's a flow that's a po8 or the spy me yeah i mean and not if you're taking her on an emotional roller coaster if you're on the emotional roller coaster like why would they stop that ride because you already

paid that one token and they gotta guess that money actually shit they would stop that ride so you pay more tokens i'm wrong yeah you are no but i i do mean like if you're having a good conversation why would you stop that conversation just to be like yeah i know this is going well but where have you worked yeah can you just hit me with some miscellaneous trivia from your resume yeah just just so i know i know we're talking about novels that I've read that, or you've read, that we both enjoy, or whatever, but also, like,

fuck that, that's going well. Like, what's this list? Shoe size. Give me. Yeah. No, give me.

I actually don't know my shoe size. What? I don't know. I'd have to look at my shoes. I'm sorry about that. Do you not remember when we were rock climbing, I had to try on like seven pairs of shoes before I could find the right one?

But the thing is, it doesn't actually correspond with your shoe size when you're doing rock climbing shoes because you've got to get them smaller. Yeah, but I didn't know where to start. What? Whatever. Get off my nuts.

No. Oh, this is the podcast now. Yes. Yes, Dane. I'm going to get your shoes after this. I'm going to guess. I think they're eight. No.

That's not true. I think so. No, I don't think so. I don't have a big feet. Give me your shoes. Oh, my God. I did it, not true. I think so. No, I don't think so. I don't have a big feet. Give me your shoes. Give me your... Oh my god. I did it, Dane. Oh no. You're like nine at least. No.

I'm eleven. I don't have big feet. This is dumb. You better not edit some of this out, you fucking weirdo. Oh, god damn it. My question? I don't even know. Dane, I meant to be the problem one today why are you being a problem i'm not being a problem you're being a problem

when was the quickest you said i love you oh and also do you want the extra details sure and what was the reaction hmm it's been with someone for nearly a month now i feel like i'm way too early to say it but Sure. And what was the reaction? Hmm. It's been with someone for nearly a month now. I feel like I'm way too early to say it, but I know I do love her. I'm taking the stance of no harm in waiting to say it at this point, because I know once it's been said, it can't be unsaid. I really hate for it to be too far in front of this.

We both expressed that we like each other a lot, and we are exclusive. We've talked basically nonstop since we've met, and we've been out six times three were just breakfast our first date was nearly seven hours long this hasn't been an ordinary month for a new relationship oh yeah i have ocd so over analyzing doubting i'm worrying this is kind of my jam wish i was more of a screw just say what you feel type person thoughts um terms of the first question the fastest would be i guess like six or seven months i think i'm really bad with time but i i think i think around that it was less than a year i'm pretty sure yeah i'm probably about like the five six month yeah myself um and what was the reaction i remember i remember it very clearly it was with amanda and we that's the quickest yeah um well i had just gotten back or she had just gotten back from

her trip to new york um to summer camp and we went out dancing and i remember lying in bed and just being like okay you gotta tell me how drunk you are and be honest. And she was like, oh, I'm not that drunk. I was like, okay, cool, because I'm going to tell you that I love you and I want you to remember it. And that was the first time I told a man that I loved him. Can we just point out Q's podcast moment so far? Apart from maybe when we told each other we loved each other.

Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, I think my coitus was was probably like five six months as well and and this is a very different kind of story um because it was with a girl i used to date and uh like half a year since we'd started dating um or i guess four months we started dating like two months before that when we met or three either way um i took her for a really nice picnic in a really nice area with like a lot of food like a blanket and like some good shit some good drink all that stuff total laughter and she did laugh oh no she laughed quite a lot oh no yeah um to be fair like i realized later on

she is very much the kind of person that like laughs in in in the face of things that like she wasn't expecting like it was kind of like her nervous tick but ironically enough it was early enough they didn't really know that it's also kind of like a serious thing to drop yeah it wasn't a fun day i was a little bit upset and then she tried to like make up for it and then like neither of those things went well and it was a whole thing it really wasn't that bad by the end of the night but you know not the most fun yeah i would i would suggest for this he says a month yeah not two or too soon too soon too soon and i say that because like you can you can feel intense things really

quickly and i get that and you can like it can pile on really really fast but there's also um sometimes something is a flash in the pan and it it can burn very, very hot, and the flames can be very high, but that lasts for a very, very brief moment. I would wait to see if that is a consistent burn, if that heat stays on. And that's not to say that all romances stay at this high passion all the time. Honestly, I would say the most sustainable ones are the ones that you can keep at a very medium heat consistently. Yeah yeah or just any heat consistency yeah um if if you love someone or if you want to marry someone i'm gonna just expand this question it's not the

kind of thing you need to do quickly it's the kind of thing that it's gonna fucking last so if you love someone and you're worried give it a month because guess what you're gonna love them in a month and if you don't you didn't love them yeah then you've dodged a bullet exactly if you're gonna marry someone and in a year like fuck i'm worried that in a year we're not gonna then guess what don't marry them yeah like i i do feel like it's one of those things where it's like they're pretty big deals and also like they're i don't want to be like yo go by a timeline go by rules but at the same time there are definitely times where it's too early to move in too early to say i love you and too early to get married and it's like i'm sure there are people who who have done things against our you know i mean like i'm sure there are people who who have done things against our you know i mean like

i'm sure there are times that have been successful but i'm not saying that yeah but it's it's a pretty good rule of thumb to love is something like again it's it's very easy to to be infatuated and and to be sort of like pulled into someone's allure and it's and there's no there's nothing wrong with that um and love is love is a long lasting like long term big fucking like cannon blast into the future love doesn't have to be this big like nicholas sparks romance you know grand gesture it can start that way but it has to be is cannon blast into the future that is is going forever yeah it's or at least at least going for a distance it's not a 90 minute movie it's no it's not you know it's a 10 season fucking doctor who yeah it's a 15 season supernatural yeah it's a it's it's still going

man if it was supernatural does that mean like it got really good for the first quarter or third and then you're like really bad but then go okay but then maybe we'll redeem itself like i don't know that's beautiful actually i think that's pretty common in most luxury relationships be amazing and then kind of all right but then hook you back in and then there's hope what you need is to to have a show that show that no matter how bad it gets, that people are still dedicated to it. I think Supernatural is a great reference or analogy for relationships. Honestly, even when it pissed me off so much that I stopped watching,

I then started watching again. I was like, you know what? Because I'm not used to how good it was, it's not too bad anymore. Everyone just needs a little bit of supernatural in their life yes a perspective also watch supernatural it's so good for for a bit and then it's gonna shit again that's that's all right but like who knows how it's gonna end but no like if if you love somebody so much and you're worried about doing it too soon yeah you're probably done too soon give it a little bit of time i think two to three months

if not three to four months yeah like i don't want to throw a timeline down i know you know i'm not saying you should say it in that time i'm saying if you want to you gotta wait until at least that time yeah it's i don't think there's any reason why you should tell someone you love them in the first two months at all no and i'm talking about after you're exclusive as well yeah after you fucking met them and i i know we don't talk about timelines we don't want that but i do think that's fair yeah like you have to date someone and wait for at least three months yeah again like i i really want to stress that like it's so easy to get bamboozled by love especially if you're lonely or especially if like if this is your first relationship because

they're just amazing because a lot of people like me and my roommate were having this conversation i was like oh you're on your second date how's it going he's like they all go really well yeah they do people are really good at fucking acting well the honeymoon phase exists for a reason it's it's when you're at it's when your your partner can do no wrong because you haven't given them a chance to or they're holding it all back yeah um and that's not to cast relationships in sort of like a cynical light but it's true but like there are all their best negatives there are negatives to every person there are things that like, there are things that Amanda does that I'm not a big fan of, but it's like, obviously the good far outweighs.

Yeah. But like, we've all met people and like, then you get to know them and getting to know them isn't just like, I haven't asked this question. It's they've been repressing shit because they don't know me on the first few things. And like, maybe getting to know them is like hey i'm a hardcore skateboarder and you're like shit i love half pipes and you're like cool but maybe they're like i fucking sink fat dunks and you're like you know i'm a footballer but and that sucks like you never know it could be secret secret. So your big deal breaker is if they're a basketball player and also a skateboarder.

I know you're into skateboarding, but if they also play basketball. No, I was saying I am a footballer and they're a basketballer. They sing Fat Dongs, but I use my feet. That's the difference. Now, when you say footballer are you talking European or North American? Okay. Answer your own question.

Which one uses a foot in a ball? Uh football? Oh got you there didn't I? No. Yeah. You got yourself there. No.

No. Because only one of them uses a foot in a ball. No. And both are called football. There is a person in American football called the kicker. Yeah, but is the ball.

A checkmate. But is the ball. Absolutely. It's not a ball. Why is it not a ball? It's like an oval. It's still a ball. It's still called a football.

I know what I'm talking about. This is awful. I'll bet he'll edit this out. This is excellent radio. I'll punch him right in the knees. Ah, no. I'm so sore. I'm talking out. This is awful. I'll bet he'll edit this out. This is excellent radio. I'll punch him right in the knees. Ah, no, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's the only thing keeping me up.

I'm sorry. I actually feel really bad about doing that. But I said it, so I had to do it. Your question? My question? My question. User Selfie23 says, How do you talk to older women?

Hey, I'm a 20-year-old male. 5'9". Average looks, to be honest. However, the question is, how do you talk to MILFs? For example, women in their 40s and 50s. There are some smoking hot ones at my workplace. Hee hee. H-E-H-E or H-E-E? H-E-H-E.

You mean he he. He he. He he. He he. It might be weird, or I might be weird, but would love to experience this. Not a fetish, just love to try with a yummy mummy. I do want to say that they spelt mummy as in the Egyptian dead thing. He was going for the yummy mummy bit, I think.

It's the same way. What? Mummy and yummy bit, I think. It's the same way. What? Mommy and yummy mommy. I guess. There's no other way to spell mommy. Mommy. Mommy, that's weird. You didn't say yummy mommy?

Yummy mommy. Yes! You're a yummy mommy. Any suggestions? Much appreciated. Thanks. How do we talk to older women? Say, hey, hey hey you're a yummy mommy

or you're a yummy mammy just look them and just like lick your lips real slow hey hey girl i really like uh i'm sorry she's in her 40s and 50s you cannot call her girl no i can't she'll like it okay i'm listening you fucking in. Are you a sweet potato? Because you're a yummy mammy. Oh, you got me. You got it. I would fuck you right there. All right.

Good night, guys. You know what you should do? Is coat her in orange so she more resembles a sweet potato. Or grab a roll of toilet paper and start wrapping her up. And if she's like, what the fuck are you doing? Be like, you're a yummy mummy. You spell mummy the same way anyway, Dan. My God.

But. Make a yum joke. What's yom? I don't know. I'm waiting on you. How do you talk to MILFs? Well, always bring up their age. Oh, immediately.

Immediately. Also, they're possible children. Yeah. Just assume. Just assume they have them. Yep. Well, they're not a MILF if they don't have kids. That's true.

They're just WILFs. There's ILFs. Women. Women I'd like to fuck. What's that? It's pretty self-explanatory. No, but like

for reals. I was going to say ILFs. I was gonna say ilfs. But that was just I'd love to fuck. I like fuck. I like That's pretty much also a way to describe

this podcast. I do love fuck. You know what? I think I think you might be onto something. You go up to them and

You say I love fuck. Yeah. No, you go up to them and be like Oh, sorry. First you establish that you're young. You say lol. Lol. I love fuck. Yeah. No, you go up to them and be like, Oh, sorry. First you establish that you're young. You say, lol.

Lol. I love fuck. I love fuck. Burb. You go up to them and you ask them, Hey, do you have kids? And if they say yes, be like, Awesome.

I've always wanted... Like, I knew you were a MILF. If they say no... You say, do you want some? You say, ah, damn. I have a were a MILF. If they say no... You say, do you want some? You say, ah, damn. I have a thing for MILFs. Then you walk away and never talk to her again. Either way, you've expressed the fact that you would like to fuck them.

Also, you're fired for sexual harassment. Yeah, either way, you suck. You talk to them, and if things go well, it happens. No, no, no. You never... Okay, I'm going to go back to our jokes. You never bring them third age. You never bring up the fact that they're a mother.

You never bring up all those things, because if that's the reason you want to have sex with them, then you're just being kind of a dick. If you like them for who they are, you just fucking have a good conversation with them, and it'll lead to one thing or another but now it seems like you're treating women in their 40s and 50s as if they're human people i'm sorry yeah you're right uh you go up and you go hey how about use that vagina because i bet my dick's big enough you'll still feel it

are you menopausing yet? Because I'll menoplay. You menopausing because this man will play. This man will fast forward. This man will skip. I don't know. Yeah, no, it's... Look, I think we've all gone through our older woman phase. Why not? You have. Have you? look I think we've all gone through our older woman phase have you and that's not to say that you've like you've pursued but like have you ever been like in a

phase where you're like I want to get me just a piece of that enlightened pie like in oh oh no the term oh um i love how audio wise you probably can't tell whether i enjoyed or hated that he loved it oh no he loved it well now now they know you asshole cut all out oh we got so much shit today all right this is gonna be 10 minutes long if you're doing the cutting. No, I don't really think so. I don't think I've wanted somebody just because of their age.

I've wanted somebody occasionally and maybe it's Canada and maybe people who are 30, whatever, look like they're 20, whatever.

And it's wild because you guys don't fucking age and it's weird as shit because guess what irish people are fucking 38 they look 38 they're a hard 38 yeah yeah it's hard for us to not look at least our age plus something whereas all y'all some people i thought were 18 were 35 yeah I mean there's a girl what the fuck no

that our friend knows no what the fuck this shit is not okay you see people you're like oh you're 18 no I'm 38 what

that's crazy what that's amazing good for them what it's better than the other way around I guess

but also we'd probably beat pedophiles that way. That's what I mean. No, we'd beat them. If 18-year-olds looked 38, if 10-year-olds looked fucking 28, I don't know. It's funny you say that. Oh, God. Damn it.

User Raider Goalie said, Girl on Tinder lied about her age. How do I bring it up? I'm 18. The girl is fucking 15. Never thought that she was until she followed me on Instagram says 15

class of 22 in her bio googled the school it's a high school been talking for about 3 weeks never met due to distance nothing too personal

we did not exchange nudes or anything so I'm still following the law but I'm in no way continuing contact how do I let her know that it's inappropriate

and dangerous for her to be on Tinder and lying about her age to older men you say the exact last sentence you say hey it's inappropriate of you to lie about your age and very dangerous for you to fucking like I'm not a fucking creepy piece of shit but guess what yes go on you done made me no no no not yet but guess what what there's other creepy pieces of shit everywhere it's called the internet and you don't gonna get creeped but here's the thing i i think like there's there's two situations here one she doesn't understand the idea of consent

age of consent and and the law. That, to her, this just seems like a fun way to get fucked by an older dude and doesn't understand the legal ramifications that she could have. I get it. I was 15. Would do. Yeah, for sure. Like, 100%. Man, thanks fuck. Thanks fuck.

Online dating was not around when I was 15. Yeah. Two, she's aware of this and it's literally trying to fuck shit up yeah um she doesn't care like again that's the other thing like like it doesn't matter what happens to the person at the end because really it's not her ass on the line exactly nothing will happen to her there is literally a case i think it happened in england um or somewhere in the uk um where a dude uh matched with someone on an online dating i don't know if it's tinder or not yeah but he matched with her

online um they ended up going home or like meeting up and sleeping together yeah and then it turned out that she was 15 or you know under the age of consent um and he was he was charged and tried and then convicted of you know statutory rape um so much and it was like he was charged and tried and then convicted of, you know, statutory rape. Um, so, and it was like, it was such a fucked up situation that the mother of the girl actually testified on his behalf being like, he didn't do anything wrong. Like there is no way for him to have known any of this. Um, he ended up being convicted. He ended up being banned from like using the internet uh

he was in school for like um you couldn't be banned for using yeah it was like again i don't know how it's really uh you know uh monitored or whatever but like he was in school for computer engineering so it literally fucked his entire life um all because and and i don't want to sort of like you know put the blame on you know people who are the victims of pedophilia and online grooming

and stuff like that but sometimes it is done at the expense of dudes who really aren't up to who aren't up to you know no good they're literally just

doing their thing and have been lied to I would in my personal opinion block delete i wouldn't say anything you wouldn't even just be like hey i wouldn't risk it up all it would take if i'm following it all it would take is her to send one picture and one phone call i i and i'm i'm paranoid enough to be like it's not worth it as much as I'd love to teach the lesson I wouldn't want to risk it if this was someone who wanted to be vindictive against me

yeah but like but imagine the next person doesn't know I know I would maybe say hey I'm so sorry you are 100 underage and could lead land people in legal trouble and block delete yeah like send it block delete and maybe they'll think about it because i can't imagine she's doing it vindictively yeah i imagine it's like an exciting fun adventure maybe i don't know i don't know i can't imagine someone's evil and shitty at that age or like i don't know i do not know but i i would be i would be very very

nervous about the whole situation yeah yeah i would just be like hey i'm really sorry you are far too young but you seem super lovely also heads up legal trouble bye good luck bye we should make a custom badge you can send to people in that case it's also gonna be on our online store yeah you're a cool person but i don't want to go to jail yeah hashtag not jail get smart bye is this a weird first date bye i wait to wait too so i'm texting this girl of tinder i assume off tinder who knows she looks cute on the pictures at least i recently got some new furniture i joked she could come over to help build it now she's literally coming over this weekend i didn't expect this to be honest. Could be an easy hookup since we are already at my place. But it's not a weird thing

assembling furniture on our first date. When she comes over I should suggest we cook instead or something. I think that's a pretty cool first date.

Right? I think if you find someone who's like down to build some fucking Ikea furniture 100% cook afterwards

or during or whatever. Or order takeout. You know what I mean? Yeah. Don't just be like, oh, we built the furniture. Bye. Bye.

You know? Be like, hey, I'll give you a pizza. Or like, let's drink a beer while we do this. Yeah. Get a bottle of wine and something. It's the best. It's the best. This is a great first date.

Yeah. In your room, you're laughing. You're like trawling over instructions together. Just don't get angry at each other. Yeah, I would say be prepared to maybe fuck up a dresser. Yeah. You know what I mean? Maybe put aside whatever you would have spent taking her out for a first date.

On maybe buying another dresser. Yeah, on buying whatever piece of furniture you're inevitably going to fuck up. What you can't fuck up is the bed. If you're building your bed... Best date ever, because then guess what? You've got to use it. You've got to try it. So you know what happens?

You put that bed together. And you put that mattress on the bed. And you know what you do? You say, hey, girl... You get the toilet paper from the bathroom, wrap her up and say, I've always wanted to fuck a yummy mummy. Yeah, 100%. And then You say, hey, girl. Get the toilet paper from the bathroom, wrap her up, and say, I've always wanted to fuck a yummy mummy. Yeah, 100%.

And then you say, hey, girl. That's what we do to yummy mummies in this bed. And then you have a good nap. Yeah. And you both wake up feeling real. You, like, make a sarcophagus out of it and make her sleep there for thousands of years. Yeah, and then guess what? You wake up tomorrow morning and you feel real good.

And guess what? You feel real good. Because you don't sleep good. Why do you what are you doing like this weird old man voice that's my thing today fair enough well also adds drama and it was like you're leading people i'm like oh is he gonna come no he's just old you've been that dilemma day yeah you are now i mean yeah I'm in my 30s now he can't tell I have to choose between being old or coming

I think that's why I chose is that my choices now that's why I chose I think it's a great one I think it's a great it's a great date I think it's a great first date

I think it's a fucking awesome first date yeah I would if you don't get shit about people not reading instructions

or fucking up what you say and if if they're so bad you know you never want to fucking hang out with say and if if they're so bad you know you never want to fucking hang out with them again but if they're decent if they're not capable of putting together some ikea furniture literally throw her out the window yeah don't don't don't do that man you know what i hate is like if we made this podcast a few years ago we probably wouldn't need to say that because nobody would probably take us seriously.

I don't know. But now it's like, no, don't. No, don't throw her out the window. Like, fake news. Hashtag. Hashtag. Here's what I would do. I would buy a bottle of wine.

Yep, two, just in case. Just in case. I would definitely, even if I had a bet, I'd throw it out and buy a new one. Or disassemble it. If it was... That's a move right there. You know what I would do? I would dump a bunch of sand in my room.

Full of fucking sandcastle. Oh, shit. With that girl. Yeah. While playing with the boys. But if they spike a fucking dunk on you, danger zone. I think that's where we'll call it tonight. You have some

bad sex running for us? So next, Chris. Do you want me to do one quick one? Yeah, we can do a quick one. I assume we're just going to lacerate this one. Man, do you punish girls if they don't text back soon enough?

Yeah. 20 lashes, usually. Yeah. If you got a cat and nine tails, you can probably do, like, what, 10? Mm-hmm. Look, I know we're going to make fun of this, but I will say, honestly, I do. I would, in the sense that, like, if they don't text me back, I don't keep texting them. Yeah, but that's not

punishment you move on have you met me yeah when dan doesn't text me it's punishment but what's funny is like i text in all the time actually when i text in it's punishment no um yeah like but that's not you're not going i'm intentionally gonna to not text her to make her feel bad. You're just moving on. Yeah. Which is different. Yeah. I don't know if we can say that guys do or do not.

But I think we should say that people shouldn't. Yeah, no. Regardless of your gender orientation, you, like, choosing to be vindictive against a person choosing to punish someone because they didn't meet your standards or whatever is just the pettiest bullshit especially like not even your standards just like your response criteria yeah if they're not into you fuck it and if they are that's cool and that's that's it yeah pretty much like it's one of those things if they haven't responded fast enough for you then you realize that like okay this isn't gonna work out yeah communication is the most important like literally we say this every fucking episode communication is the most

important part of a relationship and if they're not communicating up to your standards i'll move on or deal with your standards maybe they're unreasonable maybe they maybe take a second also reflect i'm sorry you know the song let's talk about sex uh-huh have you heard the new cover of that nope i don't know how it's by because i would love to name and shame them but like let's talk let's talk about sex baby let's talk about yeah yeah it's the lamest song i've ever heard because like imagine guys being like yo yo yo yo let's talk about... Yeah. It's the lamest song I've ever heard because, like, imagine guys being like, yo, yo, yo, yo, let's talk about sex.

You'd be like, like, I know we want to be open about sexual stuff and all that shit. That's what we say every week. But also, it's the lamest song. I think if someone's coming to go,

yo, yo, yo, hey, girl, go. Well, I think it's more like an openness. I think they're like it's a suggestion I wish Let's talk about sex baby Let's talk about all the good things Let's talk about sex All the bad things

Let's talk about all the things that could be That's everything That's too many things to talk about It's a fucking bullshit song I know we always say talk about sex dude please But that's a shit song That's our That's our guarantee You're just coming at them man That's our guarantee It's so bad It plays in work I know we always say talk about sex, dude, please, but that's a shit song. That's our guarantee. You're just coming at them, man.

It's so bad. It plays in work, and I want to kill it every day. All right. Guys, this has been beautiful. We love you. Maybe too much. I think it's too soon. No, it's been almost a year.

We can tell you we love you. Yeah. All right, hit me with some sex writing, and I'm actually going to get comfortable because my legs fucking hurt. No, you gotta read some shit first. Oh, what? Just drop on all that knowledge on us first. What knowledge?

All of it. Oh, man. Thank you very much for listening. I know it's been a weird one today. Has it? I think so. Is's because i'm drunk probably i don't think so i think you said more bullshit stuff than i have um it's uh it's always a pleasure to get in this closet record an episode for you guys and uh it makes us very happy when

you guys uh listen and send us comments and send us uh instagram messages and tweets and facebook messages and emails and questions and pretty much anything. Just reaching out to us really makes us feel good. And the amount of people who mention that we've helped them or that their advice is or that our advice is good advice and that more people should be listening to it, that makes us feel like we're doing the right thing. We'd also appreciate someone

telling us we have bad advice yeah although i don't think that's happened yet it hasn't which is why i'm saying we would appreciate it because like we're not perfect yeah if you like again we say this a lot and we said it in the first episode if you disagree with anything that we say we want this to be a conversation with people we want to learn just as much as we want to inform um so if you have anything to add to the conversation please feel free to reach out and talk to us it doesn't have to be like us being bad it could just be you adding like anything we're here it's conversation like we're not gonna claim we're perfect yeah and like a caveat to something that we we seem to have said as a hard and fast rule we're we're more than willing to to bring it up and talk about it even if we don't agree with it we will we will bring it up and we will discuss it talk about it. Even if we don't agree with it, we will, we will bring it up and we will discuss it as

honestly as we can. If you don't agree with it, I would like to think we'd be fair about why we don't. Yeah. I mean, as long as you're not a pickup artist. Well, even if you are, hey, if you want to. A lot of the times we've talked about shit from seduction, we've turned it into a legitimate discussion. Yeah.

And the thing is like some of the shit it's based on is actually good like i'm not going to say every yeah well i kind of want to say every pickup artist is shit but like i just think the term itself is poison yeah i don't know whether or not the people who are in the area who are like links with that and they're like blah blah i'm not gonna be i i do think like black and white yeah i mean we've never worked in extremes exactly that's that's when you deal with fucking bullshit but like i don't think anything we've mocked is unfair you know yeah i think i think we've been although we've been liberal with our jokes oh yeah i don't think we've been unfair with our criticism with our

criticism yeah and again if you are a staunch supporter of a pick-up artist and you want to fucking tell us why they're right hit us like we we won't love to have a have a discussion with someone who actively uh utilizes quote-unquote game in their day-to-day life and i will say if if you're not a dick we're probably not going to be cruel yeah i know either way like we we're we're a big conversation here so and we're more than happy with criticism absolutely um that being said there's a bunch of ways to contact us um you can hit us up on facebook at facebook.com fck buddies podcast um you can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies.

You can also send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities, for their song, A Paper Stars. Are you ready? Hold on. Oh, that's a good one today. This is The Victoria System by Eric Reinhardt. We made love for five hours. Jesus.

Ouch. Does it say ouch? Or is that your commentary? That's me. That's my flesh penis. Okay. Anxious by nature and always fearing that I will disappoint, I became a different man in bed, afraid of all worries,

carried away by an irrational exhilaration. That's not how it works. I was so worried I'd do bad in bed that I was so good. I was excellent. For me, Victoria was like a deep nocturnal forest that I strode through without knowing where I was going, through woodland amid ferns under tall shivering trees far from any path there were noises puddles odors dampness shapes that vanished treetops overhanging our bodies I thought of nothing I let our frolics lead where they would I experienced moments of fulfillment and astonishment euphoria and intimidation. Episodes of grace. When Victoria smiled at me, I overcome with happiness. As if we were lying in a glade. What were the shapes that vanished?

I don't know, wolves? Sex wolves? Does this woman have wolves? Dude, have you not fucked? Those damn sex wolves. It's all okay, man. He just, thank God he didn't think of them. Oh, yeah, you'd be fucked.

Yeah, if he was more confident in bed and didn't think about all the terror, one, he wouldn't last as long, obviously, and two, sex wolves. Yeah, they can smell fear. Yeah, and your dick. And all the weird odors you've encountered yeah i don't know what happened there i'm not gonna lie that was terrible it wasn't the most like aggressively bad no it was generally terrible i think it was just like a fundamental it's just like no no sex is like just wandering

through a weird forest lost yeah i mean i can think of bad farce i think a ton of analogies for sex but like wandering through a dark forest is not smelling weird shit and just being generally like unsure where you are yeah that sounds like what's this shape what's that what's this i think i'm being hunted what what are the treetops yeah this is the thing not even the tree bait just the tops yeah hovering over her? Is it you? Is it your parents? Are you the trees?

Are they watching you? That's weird. Stop fucking her. Yeah, there are people in this room. And her dog's right there. Is that the wolf? You ready? I'm ready for some Dan.

As much as a sane man can be. Yeah, no one's ready for Dan, but you know what? You know what? Is that your old man coming back? As much as a sane man can be. Yeah, no one's ready for damn, but you know what? You know what? Is that your old man coming back? Five tips on how to get your wife back when she wants a divorce. Damn. Oh.

Have we checked on him to see if he's okay? He's never been okay. I just want to be like, Dan. Dan, please, Dan. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You good? You good, Dan? You okay, hon? All sweaty.

Anyway, guys, we love you. I'm Niles Spann. And I'm Jay Miller. And we are your fuck buddies. It's true..