F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 53 - Clap Alien Cheeks

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

We've done it!  We made it a whole year, didn't miss a single episode and somehow climbed to the top 50 sex podcasts in Canada.  We celebrate with a special long episode of this here podcast.  A special appearance from our favourite guest host, Kyle and the soft rumbling purrs of Oliver grace this very exciting anniversary episode.  Topics include big booty blunders, a dick pic tells a thousand words, probably a pretty problematic game of Fuck/Marry/Kill, alien jealousy, a Dan retrospective and a brand new segment.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Day Miller And my name is Niall Spang, and When the waters of dating are getting muddy, listen to an episode of your fuck buddies. No.

Yep. It's our musical anniversary episode. It's our new. Yeah. We're singing this whole episode. That was a roller coaster. Yeah, it hurt. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations

and turn them into... Sexy, sticky situations. Yeah. And we've been doing this for a goddamn year. I think. Pretty sure. Roughly. Roughly a year. I mean, this is episode 53, so we've been doing this for a goddamn year. I think. I'm pretty sure. Roughly.

Roughly a year. I mean, this is episode 53, so we've released 52 episodes. We released two in one day. One go. So this is the 52th one. Yeah. Either way, it's rough. We'll be there.

Doing it a long time. Thank you, guys. And to celebrate, I'm hungover. To celebrate, I'm very well rested. Do we switch bodies? Is this a Freaky Friday situation here? Yeah. To be fair, I'm really hungover. I'm just usually drunk. That's fair.

I don't want to start this off because I think I'm going to do it. Having terrible nom flashbacks of whiskey? It's not. Yeah. I decided to surprise Dan by bringing one of our triggers. One of our favorite memory whiskeys. As in the time we got waterboarded by a chicken with four roses and past.

Have we ever told that story? I don't think so, nor do I think we should. I don't think so either. Every listener will have that experience around for them. Oh, it's true. But if you're ever going to Chicago, message us for things you should do there. Yeah, if you're going to be there on a Monday night, we have a little insider information. I can start off with something.

Okay. Because it's only possible because of this episode. And this is from Today I Fucked Up. For background. At some point in my childhood, I developed pinworms. In the interest of science, I must admit I don't know for certain I had pinworms, just that my mother had seen me scratching my bottom, for good or bad reasons, concluded I had pinworms, and instructed me to shove a clove of garlic into my anus in order to stop the little beasties. Afraid I don't know if the garlic helped or if there was any

other remedy, I'll remember as a young child I walked around for the better part of a day with a piece of garlic shoved up my bum. I don't remember most of my childhood with an itchy... I don't remember spending most of my childhood with an itchy asshole. Fast forward a decade and a half. I'm living on my own. Single. Re-acclimating to the dating scene after an awkward breakup with an ex that everyone I

am still close to refers to as she who must not be named. Don't realize the exact moment of realization, but there was a gradual dawning. I had worms. My butt was beyond normally itchy. Sometimes it didn't phase me, but there was a reoccurring itch that couldn't be sent away once it arrived. Confirmation came when I showered and cleaned my bottom, only to discover on my finger a half dozen tiny, white, croissant-shaped

worms who were apparently residing on the outside of my butt. I hoped they would go away. I showered multiple times a day, scouring my ass with cleanser as best as possible, even venturing the occasional soap-covered finger up my bum to clean out the system. But every morning, I would wake up, take a shower, and discover more tiny beasties. I was

horrified. I made an appointment at my local clinic. I told the nurse over the phone I thought I had butt worms. She was extremely skeptical. She said it was unlikely, but they would do tests. I went in, embarrassed as a naked nun in Sunday school, and the doctor, a friendly Southeast Asian man, reiterated the nurse's skepticism, could not find anything amiss when he peered at my bum, but asked me to send a sample of the worms when they appeared and they would test. I was already frustrated, but I waited until the next morning, gathered up a collection of my white aliens by pressing a row of scotch tape against my asshole, confirmed they were present, and paused them in a plastic container. Later, I drove the sample to the office, told it would be one to

three weeks before I'd get results. In the meantime, I bought the old remedy, shoved the garlic clove up my bum. I'd like to say it as... I just want to double check. Clove is just like the one sliver, right? Yeah, honestly, the first time I thought it was the whole thing and I was like, woo! Yeah, that's

a bulb of garlic clove. Yes um which he found uncomfortable now to add i really started seeing a wonderful woman we completely hit it off she was vibrant redhead curly curvy brilliant and fun well nothing to do but to put my best foot forward but a week after pausing the sound of the click and no response she and i found ourselves showering my hand drifted to my butt crack and i realized i needed to share my story with her, despite fears that I would mark myself as 10 and never be talked to again, so I spurted it out. Um, so I think I have butt worms. She was very practical about it. She asked to see. I pulled apart my cheeks, swiped my finger between them, and pulled up a few of them for her to investigate. See, I said, embarrassed

worms. That's toilet paper, she replied. What? Yeah, it's toilet paper. Everything fell into place. A month ago, when finances were tight, I swapped my normal toilet paper for dollar store discount brand, which was apparently breaking apart when I wiped, creating the rolls on the bottom of my butt that caused the itching. My relief was intense. My relief was intense, mixed with colossal embarrassment. My shower companion was nothing but amused and gracious. Postscript. Shower companion and i just celebrated our eighth year wedding anniversary i was trying to look up anniversary stories and that popped up hell yeah so yeah i was like what is the question here yeah it's not really a

question i was gonna let you ponder the whole story but there wasn't a question so pondered hard i guess the takeaway from this is there's probably not a lot of things you can do to really... You can get away with a lot of things in a relationship if they like you. Because that's a big one. Guess what? I have eight more stories like that. Oh, good. I don't know. Will I jump into it? I probably won't.

I mean, we'll see how this goes. We can do whatever we want. Yeah, we can. This is our anniversary. Yeah, I'll do what I want. Do you want a real question, though? Wow. Buttworms aren't real.

Oh, they weren't. Yeah, do it. All right. We start with our user submitted? No. No? Okay. No, that's something we should do towards the end.

Okay. Because I can go strike out. Let's go with this one. This comes from Reddit user Peace Falcon, which sounds like an agent name, like already made. They say, my Tinder date found it hilarious that I couldn't handle the size of her butt. Is it true that extra booty requires extra inches? Or should I just try another position for deep penetration? It wasn't embarrassing at all because I'm not tiny.

He says five inches. But she's a big girl with a big booty. And I guess it just wasn't getting deep enough during doggy style her favorite position because she was giggling about it just not doing it for her um but yeah as for uh they have two questions is it true that extra booty requires extra inches or should i just try another position other than doggy style for deep penetration um they do go on to confirm that the date wasn't mean or rude or bad.

It was actually like they both found it kind of funny. Firstly, it sounds like a good experience. I appreciate the fact that they can both be honest and actually down to earth about this kind of shit. It's nice that she made it known

that she wasn't enjoying it. She was honest about how she was feeling but she didn't then make them feel like shit about it because this could have been a question from her like three months from now being like my boyfriend loves doggy style but I don't feel anything yeah how do I tell him you know I mean it's like at that point more him too late like I had a date and like she was really mean and like mocked the fact that you you know, so go you guys. You're doing it right as human people, as we all should.

Yeah. But yeah, obviously like that butt's in the way. It's a thing. I'm going to guess. Like there's no way you can't work around it. Yes. Sorry, I thought you were saying like. No, there's no way.

There's no way. You can't do it. Give up. Dump her. Yeah. I mean, like I'm sure like definitely you, a bigger dick would assist in this situation, but I don't think it's necessary. You know what I mean? Like, it's...

There are a million different ways you can adjust. Like, doggy can be done a million different ways as well. Like... Yeah. Legs forward, legs back. Like, legs spread. Legs together. Like, one leg up on something while the other one's standing.

Like, frog pose. Yeah, you can you can position yourself also if it's a big booty pull those it's gonna move you can move it it's a it's not a static thing unless it's just a rock hard big booty which is a possibility but i've seen it um but yeah you can what i would suggest for you if you're looking for something similar but you need a little help is have her almost on her stomach like half on her stomach half on her side um and have her put the one leg up in the air not not up in the air um but like have one the the leg that's on the bed straight

down and then have the other leg that's like like yeah have it bent at like almost like she's sitting um this will give you sort of the exact same sensation of doggy style but because of the angle you can then sort of like move yourself around to find the the proper leverage and a little bit more space you can also to slip past the butt resistance yeah and you'll be able to sort of like move you know push the butt up to uh to make a little more clearance for you yeah just like play around with a few like this person sounds fun i did very much doubt they will worry about you being like hey let's fucking throw a few positions in the mix make a fucking game out of it write them down on cards or get a dice and

roll them and be like we're doing this now yeah and just like see what works for you i'm sure she's not gonna be upset trying to figure out what feels better for her you know what i mean she's not gonna be like oh you want to make it more enjoyable for me oh you care about my pleasure oh fuck yeah like what have what have men come to it sounds like she's very open sexually and very you know like has a good just not anally. What? Because it's closing off the access. Oh. But it's... But it's more bodily. True.

Bodily. Bodily. Uh, yeah. Just play around with it. She sounds fun. So this is, like, the perfect situation to play around with it in. Yeah. You, uh...

I would highly suggest, um, doing things, uh... A lot of stuff with her on her side with legs. Never do things. Sorry. Don't do things. Don't suggest that. The other one is, we briefly touched it, is if you're standing, have them bent over something and get one leg up on it. And that will also, like you can then, don't stand directly behind them, almost stand a little bit off to the side.

Yeah. And that will give you a little bit more clearance as well. Also, depending on the height differential, you might even be able to, like, come from, like, underneath. Yes. A little bit, you know. Yeah. And you get stuff to work with, so go forth and play. Yeah.

And keep laughing during sex. You're doing it right. Yeah, 100%. All right. You want to user submit a one? Yep. All right. This is by%. All right. You want to user submit a one? Yep. All right. This is by Agent Pleasant.

Ooh. Long story short, girls seem to think I'm gay because of the way I dress and the way I treat women. I've been hit on by many gay men who wanted to check if I was or not because they were getting vibes. It's cropped up quite a bit over the last few years, but this summer I decided to ask a good female friend about it as I was having trouble getting dates. I coach gymnastics and mostly women's gymnastics, and people think stereotypically this means that being male and involved in this industry means you're gay. Having grown up with an older sister and from dealing with mostly girls on a daily basis, I have no issues making friends with females and talking to them and finding them easy to hang out with. When I was talking to my good friend, she told me there were three reasons she saw why people could think I was gay.

One, I'm confident in my body and sometimes wear tank tops, and apparently most straight men don't do that. Two, I'm great with kids and dealing with girls of all ages from my years of coaching, and apparently most straight men are not. And three, I'm nice to women and treat them like actual human beings, and apparently most straight men are not and do not. I was shocked to hear all these and thought the reasons were stupid. I wouldn't have thought they would cause people to think I was gay

and immediately take me out of their minds as a potential date etc my question is is this an issue i need to address of how i make myself look or presenting myself and try to make it seem less gay or is an issue with the general culture nowadays where if a guy is a good guy they must be gay etc what are your immediate feelings on this yeah i mean it's tough we we have a close friend of ours that a lot of people like i i introduced him to one of my female friends and uh not with like sort of the intention of like them hooking up or anything but i was just like you know i thought it could be a good match um and she was convinced he was gay because he dresses well and is super pleasant and like very respectful

and i was just like i'm sorry and she's like she's like i just can't i just can't get into it and i was like i'm sorry your complaints are yeah he's he's well dressed he's well groomed and he's he treated you well i was like those are those are your big roadblocks right now yeah you're right get run away well same with this it's like this person has a good body is nice and treats people well it's like yeah um i i've had this happen a million times i've had a lot of people think i was gay and i'm sure if you listen to the podcast that's not shocking you know and it also reminds me of that time we were in uh at the brewery i remember we were like you were there right when we were

talking to that girl from yeah yeah from america and uh there was just this person who was there by themselves we ended up kind of like talk they they said something to us we were friendly and replied and after a while like she was clearly being like pretty flirty even though like we all had girlfriends at the time um i think even one of the girlfriends had already arrived and another one was on the way and but whatever and like at one point i don't know whether it was just she'd been waiting for long enough or she'd gotten drunk enough but she was like and like another one of our friends arrived and we like gave them a hug and she was like are you guys all like fucking gay or what like no one will hit on me and like

you're all just so complimentary and like nice it's like what yeah so it's definitely an issue i think like some people have but i also think it's fucking bullshit yeah i mean when we like first started hanging out the amount of people who are like so are you guys and it's like no it's it's very possible to have a close male friend that like you have not even like physical intimacy but it's like we would hug yeah like that's like the extent of it you know i mean it's like it's not like we walked around with like holding hands and which would also be fine which is all fine yeah fine but it's like if you're if you're upset that some straight dudes are hugging yeah or you know i'm not afraid of like complimenting each other yeah you know

what i mean like then you need to sort your shit out yeah and, and I think he was right at the end when he was saying that it's not anything you need to change. Well, yeah, that would be the first thing I would say. Because what are you supposed to do? Wear worse clothes? Be less fit? Or be less nice? Yeah, just start changing your career. It's definitely, I will say, there have been many times where someone has been like,

wait a minute, aren't you gay? Like a girl I liked. And I've been like, I would be happy to prove I'm not a wink. And it's a great, it's a great chat line. So you can turn it to your advantage. Be like, you know, you can laugh it off. I wouldn't, I wouldn't take offense. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Um, cause one, why would you? But two, it's's like if they mean it in an offensive way then you probably know enough that they just suck and if they don't then like whatever you know it's if someone has mistook you for something doesn't really matter you can just twist around be like oh no not at all i actually really like you you know you can like use that as a jump pad off to just yeah be like not at all and i like you or not at all and i would be happy to show you in no uncertain terms yeah um and like fuck it you know what i mean if uh if people are

coming up and hitting on you then it's a it's a compliment i love it also it's one of those things where it's like if you're like i don't really know the situations in which people aren't like you asking them out and they're just like, I think you're gay and then just not going out with you. Or is it that, you know, people tend to just not really pursue you? It's one of those things. You know, it's like if you're going up to someone being like, hey, let's grab drinks sometime. It would be wild to me for them to be like gaydar gaydar. You know what I mean? Like if you're asking them out on a date and it's clear that it's a date, it should be wild to me for them to be like gaydar, gaydar, you know what I mean? Like if you're asking them out on a date and it's clear that it's a date, it should be pretty apparent.

And like, whatever, there might have been that preconceived notion that you were gay. But after that, it's like if you've asked them out or made some sort of romantic intention. You're also now telling them they're not. If they are hung up on the fact that you are a nice fit and a good person, then that's all you need to know to get the fuck away from them yeah and yeah i'm i'm imagining it happens more on like the passive side of things where like maybe before you've talked to someone you hear that they think you're x and maybe then you don't follow through or maybe like after a while someone's like oh i'm so used to not thinking of you in this way or something you know yeah i mean i can't imagine it would hold true you know i would use it as almost a confidence boost

to be like oh i'm sorry you think i am attractive and well-dressed and well-groomed because like that seems to be sort of the stereotypical like quote-unquote like gay test that women and men tend to have um and these are all really good things it's yeah it's it's like one of the highest compliments in my opinion and it's like i know there are still some fucking idiots who think you know being uh accused quote-unquote of being gay or get all offended about it but those are people who are just like just straight up on the wrong side of history offended yeah yeah no um but like if any point in time like if someone is like oh that shirt's you know super gay or whatever and just like like oh thanks what do you mean by that do you just mean like in style like it's stylish it

fits me well like i look hot in it yeah is it like what's what's gay about this yeah and it's nine times out of ten it's just like it's a it's a well fitted top that like suits your body type and you know mean is maybe a little a little flash you're a little like high fashion unless there's like art of two dicks just like slamming off each other and even then they could just be playing together they could just be fencing yeah I mean like the only way that you don't know if they said no homo gay would just be yeah just straight up like two men having sex on your shirt it's like it's like

well yes you're correct my shirt is a little gay yeah no so i yeah i just think like use it like use it to your advantage be like you know take that as an opportunity to bounce off and be like, well, no, because I like you. Or no, because I want to kiss you right now. Or be like, wink, want me to prove it. Yeah, or even just be like, why would you think that? And if they're like, oh, well, you're super fit. It's like, oh, you think I'm attractive? You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. You can turn around on that. You've immediately got, like, confirmation that they think you're attractive. Yeah. turn around on that you've immediately got like confirmation that they think you're attractive yeah um and like you can yeah you can definitely turn that around in your favor to be like oh so you find me attractive uh cool do you want let's grab drinks and i'll you know i mean like you said i'll be happy to prove that i'm not gay yeah um yeah you you got this you it's all good stuff yeah i would the only thing i would say is is don't let it discourage you. You know what I mean?

Don't let it persuade you to. Those are all good things, right? Yeah, they're all positive things. It's the fucking, the more I think about it, and I'm like, I'm always worried I'm going to say something that might seem derogatory. When we talk about people who aren't straight or, you know, me. Yeah. talk about people who aren't you know straight or you know me yeah um but like it's the fucking wildest thing that there are still people who use gay as like a derogatory term for things that are like dumb or stupid or ugly or whatever when the like also the prevalent like stereotype of

being gay quote unquote is like being attractive being well grown being well dressed yeah and it's like it's really funny that like you have like and it's usually the same people who like have that standard but also use gay as like a descriptor for things that you know they don't like yeah it's a weird dichotomy where some people are like what are you like are you gay bro and it's like are you are you? Like, are you gay, bro? And it's like, are you going with the prevailing kind of sense where I'm stylish and together and fit? Like, what? Yeah, thank you.

I don't know. The world's fucked, but stereotypes are never good. Yeah, especially when they're very positive that people have turned very negative. I don't know. It's one of those things that baffles me every time it's it's thrown around yeah but work with it work it yeah you are okay work yeah work it you got it thank you for the question thank you all right your turn yeah look i have something i want to talk to you about just fucking go for it but i

think it's it's something we'll do it's something we'll do at the end then stop fucking trying to tease me with it but I liked you this comes from user think think I keep wanting to say think today but it's just

think-o-day think-o-day or thin Cody I don't know ooh I like thin Cody I think I like thin Cody as well

girlfriend shared my dick pics with her BFFs. So yeah, me and my GF are both 17. We have sent each other news before, but I don't show anyone. When I got my phone repaired, for instance, I moved them to a hidden app and deleted them from the camera roll. But I just heard that last night she got tipsy and showed her female friends my nudes,

including some close-up dick pics. And I know this because one of them told her boyfriend, who is a co-worker of mine. Apparently they laughed at how small my dick was when soft but then amazed how hard it got or how big it was when it got hard i'm not sure if i should feel good or bad about that dot dot dot anyways i called her out on it and at first she denied it and then she fessed up she apologized or apologized then tried to say that oh lots of women share sex stories and photos i said okay well stories are one thing, photos are another. And then she said, photos tell a story or some BS. Should I even be mad at this? She's trying to turn it so that she

was showing me off and that I should be flattered. Okay, well, firstly, let's nail down some fucking specifics because a picture is a thousand words. A thousand words is a short story or some flash fiction. It's not a fucking story, okay? I don't know. A story is a thousand words thousand words is a short story or some flash fiction it's not fucking story okay so i don't know story is a story is a story short story is still a story it was short flash fiction uh what was the question um this guy's girlfriend showed off his you can't you can't show like if roles were reversed everyone would be up in arms about this i'm sure there wouldn't be a question of being like well you, you just show the pictures. It's fine. It's not cool. It's also, I believe, a crime? I'm not sure. Sharing naked pictures

without someone's consent? 100% a crime. My thing is I want to address something at the end first and foremost when he said, should I even be mad at this? I want to say, if you're upset by something, you are 100% if you're upset by something you are 100 allowed to be upset by it it's it's fine to sort of you know like try to get context but like the amount of

people that i've seen post that at the end being like should i be am i allowed to be upset about this can i be upset about that it's like if you feel betrayed if someone said something shitty to you yes you're allowed to be upset by it you can figure out a middle ground with the person who's upset you and sort of you know bring yourself back into a balance but you're allowed to feel upset yeah about this stuff i think it's uh i don't know it seems to be a lot of the time people are asking for almost permission to be upset it's like if you're upset you're upset but then again i'm sure there are some posts i would see and be like you can't be upset at that true it's true you know but i think yes it's very much like 100 you're allowed to be upset that is

a literal crime it's a betrayal of trust you were then treated really poorly when you brought it up with them which you know well done you did yeah communication it's great it's betrayal your trust it's like it's an unspoken thing when you send stuff that that's that like personal and private that you don't just fucking spread it around or sure yeah it would be one thing if it was like if you were sending unsolicited dick pics to people yeah it's like yeah be prepared you have a pair that like you have women are showing privacy when you're effectively flashing somebody, which is also a crime. So, you know. And like, that's whatever.

You know what I mean? But if you're in a relationship, it's like, I would never show anyone a picture of a man in naked. And it's not even like a, like, she's mine kind of thing. It's just like, she's mine kind of thing it's just like she's trusted me she's she's in like you know giving me something that she if she wanted people to see it she would put it on fucking twitter or instagram or you know herself like yeah like i assume that if something is sent to me it's meant for me um and there are plenty of other ways to put things out into a mass audience nowadays that if they wanted to, they could.

The same amount of presses of a button on a phone. Yeah. Or just him being like, yeah, go for it. Yeah. It's not, it's not okay. Um, yeah, it's, it's super shitty when, especially when he's like, hey, this is kind of fucked up. So wait, isn't he 17?

17. Yeah. That's even worse than because like there are like minor laws and shit yeah so i mean technically like i don't really know how it works in terms of possession and shit like that but it's like uh i think as like a 16 year old you can still send like things to the the owner of someone that's also 16 it's not considered child pornography yeah but the second also you don't know who like what age her friends from work are yeah

if they're a few years older then realistically you could have an adult looking at a minor's oh 100 yeah it's it's still the whole thing's fucked and like the fact that she's like it pictures that's semantics in the worst that's not even semantics yeah no that's that's her covering your tracks it's just shittery. So don't put up with that. No. It's one of those things where you have to, like, I don't think it's a break-up-able offense. Unless you're really upset by it.

I think it's one of those things where you then be like, yo, if I send you a picture of my dick, that is for you. You know what? I think if we were having this conversation and it was a girl, I think you'd probably be more on the breakable offense thing. I don't think I would. Not like throwing accusations or anything. I just know for myself, I have to keep reality checking myself about it because I think if it was the other way around, I'd be a lot harsher.

It's harder because I'm a little more empathetic. Or like, because as a guy... You like having your dick seen i mean yeah yeah because he's a dude like i can i can put myself in the shoes a little easier you know i mean those shoes fit a little better um but no i think i think it's one of those things where it's like if they're young she might you know what i mean she might have actually been like look how big my boyfriend's dick is. And it's like, we all make stupid mistakes when we're kids. But I think what you need to do is be like,

if I'm going to keep sending you these pictures, they're for you. They're not for anyone else. You don't show anyone else. You can talk about the size of my dick. I don't care. You know what I mean? Like, you can share stories about our sex.

You can share stories about my dick. But I don't want strangers seeing my dick. Yeah. And if she if she thinks that's an unreasonable request uh then i think you can break up you know i mean like that's that's just a complete disrespect of your trust and your honesty and your wishes yeah well two things like when she's this flippant about it like what's to stop her from sending them or whatever you know what i mean but also in another sense like whether or not it's a breakable offense totally down to him right like some people be like i'm not comfortable with that but like not really bothered and maybe flattered you know yeah some people would be like oh i'm upset but not at all i'm happy and some people i'm sure would be mortified

and very upset oh yeah so it's not in an of its own thing like some people like it some people don't some people don't really care and so obviously it's down to your own personal thing but if you do want to break up for this you're not in the wrong oh yeah no 100 if this is something that's upset you this much yeah and you don't trust them anymore then yeah get out of there but if if it like kind of upsets you and you're not really sure like i think a lot of the confusion can stem from like when you're being told like a picture's a story like get over it kind of like yeah it really reduces what you feel in it so if the confusion stems from that and like you're just wondering if you're allowed sure but like you also shouldn't be pressured to break up with someone over something that bothers you but not that much you know so you can you can make the own like you can

be the only person to actually really make the call. But you 100 percent have whatever right to however annoyed you are. Oh, absolutely. That is just emphatically not a cool thing. Yeah. You know, it's a it's a betrayal of trust. You know, 100 percent just like at its basis level. Yeah.

And it's also kind of awkward, like, because I don't know how that boyfriend's going to feel, who I believe, is he your friend or the co-worker? But either way, like, I doubt he's really happy to have his girlfriend come home and be like, I saw that guy's huge dick. Yeah. Now you're also probably having, like, social problems with him. I don't know how. Maybe he's cool. Yeah. Maybe you guys are now sword fought.

Maybe. He's like, finally a worthy opponent. Yeah. I mean, like, even just, like, hanging out with them now. Yeah. It's so uncomfortable. If I knew that, like, all of my girlfriend, like, all of Amanda's friends had seen my dick. Yeah. It's like, I would be so uncomfortable just hanging out with them.

The thing is, you've also probably hung out with them between being, them being shown and you finding out. And like, it's never fun to be the only person in the room nodding on the joke. Right. So I'm sure now looking back, there's things that made sense or like people making comments or doing whatever. That's just not fair either. Cause then you feel like a fucking idiot. Right.

Yeah. No, I always had that rule when, especially when like a man and I were, we're still open, um, where it was like, hey, I don't necessarily need to know who you're sleeping with, but if we're going to be entering into a situation where we're going to be interacting, I don't want to be the guy who's oblivious. Because that's a shitty thing,

even though it's like, I'll never know. But it's a really bad situation to be the guy in the room who doesn't know yeah especially because like his friends probably know your friends probably know exactly so if you're just like if i'm just sitting there with a big fucking stupid grin on my face thinking everything's yeah it's it's not fair to be thrown into situations where you're kind of like at a disadvantage just purely from a knowledge standpoint you know what i mean um and i totally get that so yeah be as annoying as you want but also don't do this to your partners guys that's not cool guys stop showing each other's nudes yeah it's fucking weird like unless they're like hey go show my nudes i'm that's my turn on or like you guys want

to make a porn tumblr or porn reddit yeah oh yeah for sure you guys want to do that that's cool but you also like consent guys seriously don't just share people's nudes it's not cool yeah i mean there's really no difference than like if you guys were out and your boyfriend was like hey i'm gonna go to the bathroom and then you kicked in the door with all your friends and was like there it is or just like jocked him and you're like yeah oh yeah or just pulled down his pants or something and was just like, hey, we found his dick.

Or like, there's literally no difference and if you wouldn't do that to your partner, then don't show their fucking nudes. Like imagine your girlfriend walked into your roommate's room

and he was just lying on top of the bed sheets with his dick out to punish her. That's a two episode cut? Oh man, I don't even know. Two or three?

Go listen to the other ones. Listen to them all. Five star us. All right, hit me. All right, this is topical because I think, well, I don't even know. Two or three? Go listen to the other ones. Listen to them all. Five star us. All right, hit me. All right. This is topical because I think, well, this is, I don't know. I don't know if we've ever done a question like this where it's actually, like, really, like, I don't know, like, buried in the zeitgeist of the moment. You know what I mean?

Like, people look back at this and be like, shit. Like, this podcast episode happened when this happened. Like, this was history. Who's Barry Zeitgeist? My good bud. He broke my finger. Um, yeah. So buried in the Zeitgeist, like just we're, we're flowing in the streams of history right

here. And this podcast is not afraid to deal with that. Yeah. We'll tackle topical issues. The thing is like, I don't want to get too political. Um, but this question was important. that yeah we'll tackle topical issues the thing is like i don't want to get too political um but this question was important um yeah i'm gonna go for it okay um i don't know if this is gonna be a bullshit question or if it's gonna be a real question yeah i actually like i i was worried

maybe about because i'm sure we'll alienate some people but at the same time i don't think me and you ever really want to like stray away from i don't know like i'm so nervous right like we you can always cut this out you know um but we've like we've never all right so uh wife is upset because i expressed casual interest in purchasing one of the clap alien cheeks raid area 51 meme t-shirts trying to have a conversation about it i'm also trying to figure out this unreasonable on her end there's something about that gives me pause i can't decide if she's just knowing that she's irritated about it and sort of doesn't really like my personality or if that's because there's something about it that might actually be not cool or respectful if you're

unaware of the meme or language involved it's basically a joke about those who want to raid area 51 to have sex with aliens to be clear i think it's just a joke about those who want to raid Area 51 to have sex with aliens. To be clear, I think it's just a joke and have no desire to, I can't believe I have to say this, have sex with aliens. And my feeling is that there's an awful lot of insecurity here over a t-shirt that's basically making a joke about having sex with fictional creatures. But maybe I'm wrong. I guess I want to know where to approach this conversation from in terms of if this is something that stir up feelings of insecurity or resentment, and maybe to what degree I should really be sympathetic maybe i'm missing something here and uh this is the t-shirt in question i mean there's there's a bunch of issues here one uh aliens are fictional creatures yeah so just go fuck yourself right there. Yeah. Um, two, you want to fuck aliens.

He's 37 and she's 44. Um, I mean, I can, I can see both. I can see both sides of things here where we don't know this guy. You don't know that? Maybe.

We don't, we don't, we don't know this guy. You don't know that? Maybe. We don't. Maybe the wife isn't mad about the shirt. She's mad that these are the shirts that you wear to Thanksgiving dinner. You have no sense of when to wear funny meme shirts and when to put on maybe a nice polo shirt and she doesn't want to try to explain to her fucking mom what clapping alien cheeks means over thanksgiving dinner it's like that might be why she's upset i don't necessarily know if it's gonna be like oh she's super super paranoid that i'm gonna go.T. I love how that's what he thinks the problem is, though. Like, I think it's just some inbuilt insecurities, man.

Like, she's always been jealous of aliens, right? They get those super thin bodies, the weird oval head, big eyes. She's always wanted her eyes to be bigger. Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know. But then again, it could be one of those things where she's so hyper jealous that the idea of him, like, expressing interest in fucking anything other than her. Hey, it's like a trigger for her. I've dated people like that.

Oh, 100 percent. It's possible. Yeah. I will say I just wanted to I just want to shine light. Just be like, I've got a I've got a flashlight on both these these sides here. I'm imagining it's more of a like she's imagining a life in which he wears that anywhere and like yeah the only things that are going to happen is there's three i guess there's confused looks from people probably their age uh there's disgusted looks from people who get it or there's like the 21

year olds who like nod and offer him a doobie as he walks down the road yeah or the people who literally think he wants to fuck an alien. Like her. I'm sure there are people in this world who are buying that shirt with like sincere intentions of being like, I would like nothing more than to get into those doors. Spread them spindly legs. And just go to town on a fucking, you know, whatever the hell's in there.

You don't know what they have. Can you handle a pluribus when it comes your way? Right? Yeah. It's like, you don't know what kind of fucking crazy claw situation they have. Dry mans all over your bod. Oh my god. Just scraping down your ribs. Yeah, um, it's so funny because the comments

on this thing, one, no one takes it any way lightheartedly, and two, no one is on his side that's he gets lacerated i honestly it's one of the few i took a picture of um and didn't like rely on it still being up because you always give out to me for that um but now i don't think i actually have the original um so yeah we can't go through those comments but they were fucking golden so there you go um so advice you just gave your fucking opinion do you forget what this is about yeah man i'm rebranding this is a dating and sex opinion show yeah honestly we've we've

actually done really well this year we We almost got in the top 100. We're really close. And as a result, we're going to just stop doing everything that has led us to the success and just totally change our entire podcast. It's like when you're

having really good sex and someone's like, oh, keep doing that. And you're like, switch it up. Nah, new position, new rhythm. I don't even think

I'm going to use my dick anymore. I'm just... Hey, let's fucking try a knee. Yeah. I'm so good at this. Knee, knee. Yeah. I can't come around. Maybe I'll gently blow blow jobs a thing right i just want to repay the favor don't you do it you motherfucker um my advice would be buy it for her oh buy his and her collection. I think, in all seriousness, I think you need to assure her that you're, one, not going to wear this anywhere that you, like, pretty much outside of the house.

This is a bedtime t-shirt. This is a, I've got the flu and I'm going to spend the next couple days on the couch watching Netflix shirt. This is a... Maybe when the boys come over for the game. Yeah, this is a shirt that doesn't really cross the threshold of outside. Much like this episode, it is a part of history though.

So there is inherent value in it. You know? Maybe buy a shadow box and put it up on your wall. Be like, baby, I promise you, I will never wear this. And then she comes home and it's above the mantle your wedding photos are gone oh and it's and it's this t-shirt okay place of honor above

the fireplace she doesn't want you to wear it in the present or the future however you have photos and you have photoshop replace all the wedding photos of you wearing that t-shirt oh my god yeah you could do that too yeah or just like wear it like buy it in secret and wear it one day just before you leave for like a wedding or oh yeah underneath no just take no like in the open as if nothing's wrong and like wait the door like are we heading out and just oh i thought you meant like be wearing like a normal like a sweater like a nice button-down cardigan and then be like oh it's really hot once you get in the car and then just take it off and be like so good but just just for the fear maybe not for the actual ensuing divorce um or buy it in secret and then like the day she divorces you just wear

it and be like in court yeah what just be what? And the judge would be like, hey, shit, nice tee, bro. Were you there? It could go either way. It could go either be like, they would be like, yes, 100%, you should divorce this man. He's wearing this shirt into court. Or people are being like, I'm sorry, you're divorcing him over that? I'm probably going with option one. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't buy the t-shirt. You're 40 something. You're 30 something. No. If he thinks it's funny, I think you need to assure your wife and be like, look, I think it's funny.

I'm not going to wear it out. This isn't going to be an embarrassment. I just think it's a funny fucking shirt that I'm going to buy and wear in bed. You're going to be unconscious for like the majority of the time that I'm going to be wearing this. Don't worry about it. That's the creepiest thing you've ever said. Why?

I don't know. It's just out of context. It sounds terrifying. This is really exciting because it is our very first question sent to us through our brand new website. I need a tissue are you crying or ejaculating one of both cry jack you lateing this actually comes from you leading our good our good friend he doesn't need an agent name mr.

Kyle Crawford he knows an agent oh he wants it he wants an agent he told me can I say that it's from him? No. Okay. Sorry, he told me not to. Then he fucked up because he literally said his name in the agent name field. What? He legitimately told me he didn't want to. Twice. I'm going to call him.

It's our first phone interview. Hello? Ah, Kyle. Hi. We have you live on the podcast. Oh my God, get out of town. Yeah, mainly because I thought you wanted your name a secret on the question, but Dane thinks you don't, so I'm not sure.

No, I don't. You don't? No, I don't want it a secret. Oh, okay, cool. I'm here. I'm here for the podcast. Happy one year anniversary. Oh, I'm loud?

Yeah, sorry. Happy, thank you. Do you want to say anything while we have you on the air? You're our first phone interview as well. It's been so great being a part of everything Fuck Buddies related. I love you guys. I'm so proud of you guys. I now listen to Fuck Buddies

every single morning when I'm playing Zelda Link to the Past. It's the two hours every day that I'm super excited about and I'm not making that up. Past and it's the two hours every day that I'm super excited about and I'm not making that up. It's the best part of my day. I love you so much. We love you, Kyle. We gotta have you on in like a week or two. Are you guys gonna play Fuck, Marry, Kill?

We're doing that right now. You kind of spoiled it, but yes. Oh, damn. Shit. Okay. Have fun. Okay, I love you. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. So, yeah. Kyle kind of spoiled it, but he sent us in a little game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. I was so tense.

I was like, oh, what can it be? This is fun though. I don't support killing women. That's the thing. I'm a marrying man. Do we want to switch kill out with... No, just if anyone's offended, we're going to point out now that we're playing the game.

We're not going to do any of these three things, I assume. You don't know. Well. Also, fuck, can we change that to making love? And Mari, can we change to making an eternal partnership? And Kill, can we change to berating loudly on a Sunday morning? Yeah. Okay.

So, yeah, we have a new website. I don't know. We mentioned we might have one on the last episode, and then we proceeded to spend hours making it afterwards, which was stupid. We should have just, you know, made it and then did the other. Either way, we have a website. It's fbuddiespodcast.com.

And it's pretty nifty. It's pretty good, yeah. It works on mobile it's not bad um you can go there if you don't have if you don't know

how podcasts work you can just listen to everything on the site yeah there's like there's a link to our iTunes

there's a link to our Spotify there's a link to every episode individually anyway yeah there's our little bio and there's

most importantly I think a very easy way to just send us questions yeah so there's there's a little contact form that you can you can I think a very easy way to just send us questions. So there's, there's a little contact form that you can, you can put in your agent name that you want to be addressed as, or just say, you give me one. Yeah.

You can also just, you know, let us know that you want us to assign, but it's, it's the easiest way. You don't have to worry about remembering our email. You can just go to our website, shoot us a question and we'll have it in the, in the next episode or as soon as we can um so uh it's fun because this is our first official question from the website um and kyle kyle wants to play fuck marry kill okay um so the first one every time you say it i think you say fuck mary i was like who's mary don't worry about it um I'm a taken man. The first one is some women from comics. Okay.

Fuck, Marry, Kill, Catwoman, Storm, Wonder Woman. So none because I don't want paper cuts on my penis because they're all from comics. Well, imagine they're real women. I mean, they've all been played on the big screen. Oh, shit. Are we using those then? No. No.

I think... If you need to... Just go again. What? Who was it? Catwoman? Mm-hmm. Storm?

Mm-hmm. Wonder Woman? Oh, man. Do you want me to... I'll let you think. I'll go. No, because that'll influence my answers. Okay.

It's still... It's going to take some thinking. You know what? I think I'm killing Storm. Mm-hmm. I think I'm fucking Wonder Woman. Uh-huh. I think I'm marrying Catwoman. She seems fun.

Interesting. So I would... I would... I would fuck Catwoman. Mm-hmm. I would marry Wonder Woman. Mm-hmm. And I would kill Storm.

Okay. Poor Storm. I'm not an X-Men fan. Yeah, me too. You know what I mean? It's like, also, if you want to rationalize it, Holly Berry played Storm and Catwoman. Yeah.

So technically, you can get both. Although, I think I would... I'm torn as to what Cat... I think I would... I think I would do Michelle P torn as to what cat, I think I would, I think I would do Michelle Pfeiffer, Catwoman. See. Anne Hathaway is another, she's close, but.

See, cause I could probably go climbing with Catwoman. That'd be really fun. Uh huh. She's also, she's a little naughty, right? She's not, you know, she'll fucking steal your shit. I like, you know. She won't? She will.

Oh. No, she 100%. I was like, you don't know. She's not as straight laced as the other two. Maybe. I think. Whereas like Wonder Woman, like she got,

she's, she's got muscles. I go climbing with her too. It'd be great. Um, she seems fun storm. I honestly, a lot of us,

I don't know much about it. That's the thing. It's like, Oh, the X-Men really don't do it for me. I think like the only way I would ever choose an X-Men would be like, if it was like Wolverine. No,

uh, fucking, uh, Oh, I can't remember her name. Emma Frost or whatever. Choose a babe. Okay.

Excellent. Um, please don't read into these too much people. Uh, no, I want you to. So this one confuses me a little bit. So it's Kate Middleton. Uh, and then I want you to, so this one confuses me a little bit. So it's Kate Middleton.

Uh, and then he wrote Megan Merkel, which I think he meant Megan Markle. Okay. And not Andrea Merkel. Because that's who. Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel. Hell yeah. Which is who I initially thought.

Straight to the bank. Um, and then Elsa, which I'm assuming is the princess from Frozen. Or the porn star. Well, it's just Elsa. So I think he's doing princesses. Is she the English princess? She's the one that married the older prince. Is Elsa the ice one?

Yes. Fuck her. No. I mean, like, not fuck her. Kill her. She's annoying. I guess marry Meghan Merkle and fuck Kate Middleton. No. I mean, like, not fuck her. Kill her. She's annoying. I guess marry Meghan Markle and fuck Kate Middleton. Yeah.

I would agree with you on that. Yeah. I think I would marry Meghan Markle. Meghan Markle seems cool. Meghan Markle. Meghan Markle. Sorry, Markle. She seems cool.

She's, like, also, like, I don't know what Kate Middleton did before she became whatever, but, like... I think she's just straight up, like, just a duchess. Like, I think she was just aristocrats. I don't think she really did anything. Yeah. Meghan Markle, but, like... I think she's just straight up, like, just a duchess. Like, I think she was just aristocrats. I don't think she really did anything. Yeah, or was, like, Meghan Markle? Like, she did a bunch of shit. She's a good actress.

She seems really down-to-earth. Also, apparently, she's just, like, scandalizing the royal family on a daily basis, and I fucking appreciate the shit out of that, so... Yeah, and, like, Elsa. Also, she's a babe. But, yeah, Elsa, I don't know. She seemed... Like, all her issues in the movie she solved with like ice

magic and that's just not the way to do things like when have we ever answered the question here saying use fucking ice yeah i'll just freeze them just oh you got a problem freeze them run away pretend you're evil use ice magic no like that didn't help anybody you put yourself you put your sister in danger if we're gonna go to your sister and dina manziel that would change things for me she's so good at singing also wicked and she's a babe but also wicked yeah i know yeah no oh shit so i don't know so if it's dina manziel i would marry her yeah probably am i even saying her name right no can we say we'd kill katedleton on air? Are we gonna get raided right now? I don't think we can

say that. Can you bleep that out? Yeah, I don't know. Can we say we'd fuck her? Can we even mention her? I know, we are in Canada and I don't know how much the royal family still has any sway over here. Okay, so the next one is Women of History.

Okay. We have Joan of Arc one is women of history. Okay. We have Joan of Arc. Hell yeah. Anna Oakley, or Annie Oakley, and Amelia Earhart. Oh, man. Because Joan of Arc and Amelia Earhart just seem so fucking cool. Yeah, so here's my thing. I'm going to go based on personality and not fate.

Hey, you don't like charred corpses? So here's my thing is I think like I'm going to go based on personality and not fate. Because like. Hey, you don't like charred corpses? I think I would. I would marry Joan of Arc. Actually, no, you know what? I don't think I would. I think I'd kill Joan of Arc. You're not the first.

And I think I would fuck Anna Oakley and marry Amelia Earhart. They're all pretty cool. Can we just have a banging foursome? I mean, they're badass. Is this disrespectful? Damn it. I don't know. I think fucking Jonah Ark's fucking zealot.

Yeah. I think it would get really fucking old if you had to deal with that. Just this righteous, high and mighty. I don't know. I feel like. Constantly being like, well, God told me. Well, yeah, the religion thing might. That would drive me fucking crazy.

Like, imagine every fight you'd get, it'd be like, actually, I was told by God that... But every Annie Oakley fight you'd get, then you'd be dead of a headshot. That's why I fuck her. Yeah. I think I'd probably agree.

I think, like... I mean, to me, I think Annie Oakley would fuck me. Oh, yeah, no, that's the thing. Probably with a rifle. Yeah, no, I think I'd probably agree I think like I mean to me I think Annie Oakley would fuck me oh yeah no that's the thing probably with a rifle yeah no I think I agree

I don't know and I think I think Amelia Earhart it's like she's got that wonder she's got that adventurous spirit you could travel the world with her

I think I might not am well but I think this is an offensive game because I would like to get to know these women first, not just base their worth off their preconceived...

Who's next? We got Emma Stone, Emma Watson, Emma Bunton. Oh, fucking 100% kill Emma Stone. Okay. I cannot stand her. Oh, my God. But Emma Watson, marry the hell out of her. And I don't even know.

We're going completely different directions. Emma Bunton, the Spice Girl? Yeah, she's Baby Spice. I'd fuck her. So I would fuck Emma Bunton. I would kill Emma Watson. What? And I would marry Emma Stone.

Emma Watson's great. I know. She's super nice. She's super smart. I've met her in real life. She's a good actress. She has a big head. Her head's huge. Yeah know. She's super nice. She's better in real life. She's a good actress. She's a big head. Her head's huge.

Yeah, but have you seen, I don't know if we should get into like debating women's physical appearances on this podcast, but Emma Stone has like the eyes of six people. She's like a bug. Have you seen my girlfriend?

I'm all about giant eyes. Yeah, but like. Amanda has like 80% eyes. You could fit seven of Amanda in one of her eyes. I'm all about the big eyes yeah well what the podcast is done now everyone hates us we're judging women on their physical appearances well i mean this is a this is a base you know fucking game and last one this will make you

feel a little better batman spider-man wolverine I'd definitely marry Spider-Man because he's just the fucking best. Yeah, 100%. You know what? I think I'd kill Batman and fuck Wolverine. I'm 100% exact same. Like, Wolverine would be fun. Batman seems like it'd just be too much effort. Yeah, I mean, Wolverine would, I assume, probably go forever.

Literally. Yeah. He'd probably cut you a little bit and then it a good way yeah yeah like i think i think wolverine would just be like i don't know if i'd really be proud of it at the end of it but it's like it's something that i think like it'd be an experience you know what i mean it's like it's one of those people that you're just like i just need to know how it works you know wolverine fucks oh 100 like he at least has the the weight of knowledge to bring to the table. Batman, like, I don't know.

He spends all his nights just dressing up and running around. And also, just like, he'd be pulling weird shit out of his belt all the time. I don't want your... Putting a bat up my butt. Hey, fucking suck this dick.

Put this bat up there. It's not a good shape for my butt, Bruce. Don't call me that. I have a bad condom. I'm an orphan. Come on, like, stop telling me. Look at my dead parents. Call me Daddy. My parents died.

I want to call you Daddy. Every time I call you Daddy, I remember how my parents died. This sex is reminding me that I'm an orphan. I should go fight crime. We should have a kid. I won't kill you. What? I won't kill you.

I don't kill people. Is that... No guns. Is that necessary to tell me? I swear I won't kill you. Batman, I'm literally beginning to think you're going to kill me. No, I don't kill anyone when I fuck them. That sounds like you kill everyone when you fuck them.

Wolverine never said, You fucked him? He kills people. Yeah, but not when you're fucking. I don't kill people. Sounds exactly like you kill everyone when you fuck them. Wolverine never said, You fucked him? He kills people. Yeah, but not when you're fucking. I don't kill people. Sounds exactly like you do, man. I'm sorry. I gotta leave.

Wait, wait. Why is there a little boy over there in tights? Why? Don't worry about him. I just found him. His parents died too. Why? Where'd you find him?

At the circus. You can't just take young boys from the circus. Did you take a kid from the circus? Batman. He's like evidence. Dang, when'd you find him? At the circus. You can't just take young boys from the circus. Did you just take a kid from the circus? Batman. He's like evidence. Dang, when'd you get here? Is he fucking you too? No, I'm here to kill Batman.

I don't kill you. I feel like he would want to like have a kid with you and then just never die. What? Because then he would orphan his kid. And he's like, I want to do it. I want to do it with a way that my parents couldn't I'll raise you forever I'll be around forever

I won't die you'll die before me oh yeah he's like oh my god your cancer's terminal just let me go kill my kid then we're all good yeah now Batman would be the worst yeah I know no Batman

okay we should message Kyle for his answers I'm gonna read them out before the end of the show without him getting to hear ours yeah alright do that ready for some real shit

yep this is from female dating strategy my new least favorite oh no this is from package of paper who says

men only stay interested in emotionally unavailable women. I'm pretty conventionally good-looking. Have a considerable amount of men be interested in me. Attracting men has never been a problem, but keeping the ones I want interested has been. In my experience, men only continue to want you when you're not fully invested in them

and keep them at an arm's length. As a very cautious and reserved person by nature, I don't just fall head over heels for men right off the bat. I've spent a lot of quality time with a guy before developing feelings, and even when I do catch feelings, it still takes me even longer to emotionally invest. And after that, I still have walls I keep up, never letting a man get too close, never letting myself get comfortable, never trusting him too much. Basically, I'm emotionally unavailable. This behavior drives men nuts, and they'll go through extreme lengths to prove themselves as worthy to me. The more they try the more difficult and

distant I become. It drives them absolutely crazy for me. It's annoying because I honestly just want time and space in relationships. I was with a guy for six years always kept him at arm's length never completely trusting him when he said he loved me. Over the years he treated me like a treasure. He always came true for me and when he went out of his way to be there for me and support me and even though I felt loved and supported, I felt so horrible. I had emotional barriers when not allowed myself to fall completely in love with him. So I went to therapy. The first thing that makes sense in this. When I finally led him completely into my heart, trusting him, allowing myself to faith in him, letting myself believe true love might actually

be real. He began to rapidly lose interest. He decided he couldn't see a future with me anymore, that he needed to see what else was out there, and he left me. It's like all those years of him treating me with so much love and care weren't because he loved me for himself, because he was chasing validation for himself. Me finally letting him in after six years was the validation he needed, and once he got that, I was useless to him. It hurt a lot. I only ever had one crush, I was stricken by Cupid's bow, and though he admitted he was attracted to me and found me kind, warm, and laid back, he still didn't pursue me at all. We had a few hookups after years of tension and flirting, then went our separate ways, although I was the one who decided to pull the plug. He probably didn't pursue me because he sensed I liked him too much and wasn't a challenge.

Every other guy I've dated before, after, and between, has been crazy about me because I'm so emotionally unavailable. But I'm 100% certain if I opened up, they would not remain interested. My advice is to treat men well, be kind and supportive, but never emotionally invest. Never let them get too sure of you. Keep them at arm's length and your heart protected. Remember, any man, no matter how dedicated, can and will leave you. Men crave the chase. Feel if they've caught their prey, they'll drop you like a hot tamale, no how wholesome it might seem know your worth no man possessed to possess no man deserves to possess the treasure that is your heart so it's not a question you just wanted to outline how crazy these people are um i believe that it is a they're putting forward some advice uh i do believe we can question it i love that the idea that after six years of treating this guy terribly it's that like oh she finally let him in is it's

like no he was probably just like so sick of your shit yeah so sick of your goddamn bullshit or maybe he found out that you've been consciously closing yourself off to him and he was like wow fuck me i guess yeah or maybe i don't know if you believe this is what a healthy relationship is then i don't want to know what you opening yourself up to someone is yeah this you sent me this this subreddit it's horrendous and it's it's it's a wild it's it's what i would say is the equivalent of toxic masculinity for women yeah um and that is to say that it's like it's this weird sort of vacuum of ideas like their their literal rules are like uh no men allowed at all to comment on anything they don't care about your opinions like in that in the subreddit oh really yeah if you if there's any indication that you are a man or uh you'll be

banned and deleted um if you sympathize with men uh or empathize with men you'll be banned and banned and deleted jesus um i did not read the rule if you uh what's the other and it's just it's literally like if you disagree with us we'll ban and delete you yeah so it's like it's literally just a vacuum of women who have got these for whatever reason these these ideas and opinions and like are only validating each other without hearing any other side of things i feel like if you ever have a thing where you don't want to hear the other side of the argument it's never healthy like by all means you can be like yeah your side is bullshit but like if you're just like no on here it's not healthy like can you be confident like that shows a lack of confidence in your standpoint

because if you knew you were right then why would you care about people trying to disagree yeah if you only need to hear how correct you are and the, the validation of people who also believe what you believe, it's like, those aren't, that's not a position to strength at all. That's a position of insecurity and weakness, unfortunately. But also like just flat out,

like that's terrible advice. Yeah, no, I mean like, again, I read a bunch of stuff and it was all like the whole basis of their sort of ideology or you know i mean their their their world view is manipulation is key it's like it is like it's their it's their basis of relationships is to manipulate like the

thing you sent me where it was like they were um frequently pushing their male partners into positions in which they then had to compete. So they would bring them to sporting events and then flirt with other guys in order to make their male competition instincts kick in. like never go on a date where there aren't a lot of viable options as men to force your partner to act aggressively and peacock to try and own you and never have sex unless you're getting something in return that is like monetary or like physically you know what i mean like yeah if they're not buying you gifts or or like food and drinks don't have sex with them yeah um but also just this like also guess the age of this poster i'm gonna say like 21 to 25 yeah um like i think we can just categorically state that consciously remaining emotionally closed off to your partner like because anyone can even listen to that and be like yeah that's a good it's not emotionally closing off it's it's sociopathy at that point you know what i mean like if you have emotional blocks if you have emotional trauma that well

it's not that are there yeah that are there you know because of things that you experienced or because of of things you're afraid of those are are absolutely 100% valid. Like those, we have no problem with those. Of course. The problem is like purposely manufacturing those reasons is one, disrespectful to people who have traumas that like can't let people in and have trust issues. Like it's so disrespectful to people that actually struggle from this. Like people who want to make authentic connections with people,

but can't because of real life, horrible things because of, because of any number of traumas that they could have experienced, but to like manufacture those in order to like feign attraction from people. I highly doubt any of that has a bearing on yes. Playing hard to get. I'm sure there are people who, who are attracted to that but you're

also going to attract the wrong people yeah if you're if you're if you're concerned that your men are only in it for the hunt and your main tactic is to provide the hunt what like who do you think you're attracting here yeah that's it's It's the shitty people who are only in it for, quote-unquote, the hunt. You know what I mean? If you found people who are genuinely looking for an authentic connection between people, you'd find them. Well, what I really find kind of, like, telling in this is they point out that they actually genuinely did like this one person, and then nothing came of it. But then they were like, well,

I ended things and they're like, but he didn't pursue me. And it's like, what? Like you were giving him the quote unquote hunt, but she's like, well, I wasn't really. Cause he knew I liked him.

No, he was just being a good dude. You ended things. He was like, okay. Yeah. And also it's like, if you don't seem interested,

yeah, then he's probably like, cool. I'll just back up. Like this guy's probably the only sane person because that guy was with you for six years.

Probably he's also a little fucked up. Consciously being terrible to them. Yeah. The thing is, like, you're actively dissuading people who respect you. Yeah.

While punishing yourself because I can't imagine what kind of life this would be like. Can you imagine having to consciously, emotionally cut yourself off? Imagine just like, any might just have to consciously emotionally close yourself off. Imagine like anytime faking being a shithead.

Imagine every time your girlfriend said something nice to you or, you know, did something that like really, really warmed your heart. And you were like, you were about to react authentically. And then you were just like, I can't do it.

And you were just like, cool. Oh, you, you know what I mean like you've you shared something that I worked on really hard

oh you've helped you've helped our podcast like you you turned like four people onto our podcast today cool whatever guess

it's too bad it wasn't five yeah like despite the fact that you're like oh that's fucking awesome you're the best I love you

that's such a nice thing to do and you're nope instead of that you're like, oh, that's fucking awesome. You're the best. I love you. That's such a nice thing to do. And you know, instead of that, you're going to be like, all right, cool. Well, what I love is like, you know, I don't know if anyone's ever said this whole like, you know, if you're sad and they're like, God, honestly, like pretend to smile or like fake a smile. And then like, eventually you'll kind of like feel happier or like your smile will come real. And it's kind of true because like, maybe it's just because you feel dumb when you're like faking a smile but like it's one of those

things where like if you pretend to be sad enough you might just become sad because it's like you know so you pretended to be a piece of shit guess what you're probably going to be a piece of shit oh yeah i mean like one of the first things we do when we feel upset is like put on some sad songs and wallow you know what i mean it's like the the first instinct we have isn't to cheer ourselves up it's to spiral into that yeah you know pit of despair and so yeah it's like if you're actively manufacturing reasons to be distrusting and unapathetic and miserable you're gonna you're gonna end up in that world for real. Yeah, it's fucking wild, man.

But anyway, anybody who's ever been told bad advice or thinks that sounds sane, don't listen to it. Don't do it. It's not okay. If you are meeting people who are scared off or not interested because you've opened up to them emotionally, that's not on you no that's on them and you need to ignore that move on to the next person who hopefully will be better and if they're not that's still not on you and there are there are societal norms that like come into play and

like the other side of things of like opening up like on a first date maybe don't tell everyone your entire list of traumas you know i mean it's like like things are gradual built but like that's so outside the realm of what we're talking about here it's we're talking about like if you're if you're developing a healthy relationship let it progress naturally don't put up your own roadblocks because you think that it'll make someone like you more yeah if they don't like you for you then you shouldn't be in that relationship also if if the relationship is progressing in a natural way and you're feeling good about it and then all of a sudden someone's like oh you love me or you're showing me respect and admiration meh it's like all right cool you've saved yourself the time

that's like otherwise you're fostering a relationship with someone you shouldn't be with it's like imagine someone came over for dinner and you made them food and they were like wait does food taste good what the like okay i'm out it's like oh i'm sorry did you want shit food did you want me to make shit food for your meal is that what you want to eat shit food that makes your mouth sad because that's what this advice is yeah don't make your mouth sad be genuine be honest be open and and deal with things together as a as a team and as responsible adults don't be a fucking weird sociopath okay are we ready for kyle's answers yes i'm gonna make you guess catwoman storm wonder woman i think he's going to make you guess. Catwoman, Storm, Wonder Woman. I think he's going to fuck Catwoman,

marry Storm, kill Wonder Woman. 100% spot on. Yeah. Okay. The Princesses. Middleton, Merkle, Elsa. I think he's going to

kill Middleton, marry Merkle, fuck Elsa. Why are you getting these all so right? Oh, what up? Okay, Joan of Arc, Oakley, Earhart. Oh, man, this is the tough one. I think he's going to...

Oh, man, I think he's going to... I think he's going to marry Joan of Arc. I think he's going to kill Oakley and fuck Earhart totally wrong yeah that was the one I knew I wasn't gonna get this right fuck Joan of Arc marry Annie Oakley kill Amelia fuck Emma Stone Emma Watson Emma Bunton I think he's marrying Emma Watson I think he's killing Emma Stone I think

he's fucking Emma Bunton yeah because that's the only sane choice. And then Batman, Spider-Man, Wolverine. I think he's... I don't know. I feel like Kyle... Oh, Kyle, you dirty dog. I think he's marrying Wolverine. I think he's fucking Spider-Man.

I think he's killing Batman. No. Really? No, not at all. You're so wrong. Okay. Try again. Okay, I think he's gonna marry Spider-Man,

fuck Batman, kill Wolverine. Also wrong. Fuck! So he's marrying Batman. What? Killing Spider-Man. What? And he's fucking Wolverine. Oh! I don't know if we can be friends anymore Kyle I don't know maybe he likes bats in the butt Maybe

Maybe he's excited about the toys Kyle Kyle remind me of how I'm a normal person Kyle could be his daddy Kyle tell me you love me Let me call you Daddy Kyle. He just probably wants the boy in the tights. Kyle.

All right. Where is he? Where is he? Where's Kyle? I was out drinking, which is why I'm hungover last night. I've been drinking. And a lot of the people I was out with listened to the podcast. And in our drunken ramblings, someone brought up a point to me.

And it upset me a little bit. And they said, you guys are doing really well. And you're becoming quite, you know, people are listening to you now. They were like, what happens if this Dan guy, like if you become big and then people figure out who Dan is and they begin tweeting him abuse and then he kills himself because of the abuse you've given him and that is on your conscience and i was like fuck okay like the firstly did not think of that right who does think of that but thirdly it's like i don't think any of like, if you actually listen, I don't think any of the things we've said. And again, I'm sure, I'm sure there's stuff we've said that has been really harsh.

But if you listen to the podcast, you know, we're over the top all the time. Pretty much everything we say is a joke. I think he, I think they were more concerned about the mob mentality of like people with no chill on like Twitter. Like if we became big and we, you know, there's always going to be that small subsection of people who like can't interpret. Like everyone I know that we listen to in our audience now is probably the most, you know, rational people but there's like if if we became big what if there was that one there was like that one small group of people who like was nothing but abuse okay so not even what we've said not necessarily us it was it was that we were the catalyst to send people after this well one i don't think like okay there's so many different parts of this one i don't think that should ever stop us from

calling people out for their shitty behavior absolutely not um and especially because we make it clear we disagree what he does which i think is wildly fair and secondly we're generally doing it with a kind of a comedic bent right yeah um also he is a public figure who so he's already subject like it could happen. A hundred percent. Yeah. Uh, it is happening. If you look at his fucking comments, like people have called him stuff so bad that we wouldn't even be able to post a podcast if we said that about anybody, let alone him.

Um, like you read some of the stuff the other day, they were making what would be called illegal accusations about this man. Um, on another point, he, he he also achieved no this is how i found out about him because a while ago his headphones article did the rounds like it was on everybody i know social media so i don't doubt that he got a fucking barrage of abuse and i doubt we're going to be ever that popular and if we are like you know i it was it was just an interesting thing that someone brought up to me it's one of those things but it's also like what like you can either be like yeah i can never mention anybody again especially not in a negative sense or you can be like what people do unfortunately

isn't up to us we can say right here and right now don't hurt yourself dad um also don't assault like if we ever say something bad about someone don't don't go on the don't track them down and like a witch hunt kind of situation you know like we would never condone like any sort of like violence on anybody be it online harassment or bullying or whatever you can definitely tell him he sucks maybe i don't know like or just tell your friends he sucks or just like because honestly even if you did barrage him with messages it would probably just boost him somehow you know what i mean so just like feel free to know it's out there and it sucks but you don't have to engage with it um and if dan ever does hear this like to be fair we come on our show and let's talk and talk by all means but we disagree with a lot of your stuff. And I think that's very fair. And I think that pretty much everyone like we know and have on social media do also.

And that's probably not a good position to be in. So I don't know. Like, I would hope that like, I think that's a worst case scenario. Oh, 100%. I hope it never happens. And but unfortunately, you don't really have control like we don't control what people do and we don't control what what they do does you know and but i do hope anyone listening to the show will just have chill whether it be in the future about something else everyone's about dan like what we do here is try to put forward like you know positivity and shit and

i don't think witch hunts and abuse and aggression are the way to do that yeah so it was just something that someone brought up and i was just like damn i didn't really think about that yeah but i also think like it is i don't know like i don't want to seem flippant about this but it is one of those things where it's like, we could say anything. Like, you could be like, well, what if James McAvoy hears about your thing? And then, like, you know, like, we make a lot of bullshit claims and stuff.

And like, yeah, we're criticizing this guy, but like, we're not the first. We're not the last. James McAvoy can turn into anything, and he's a pervert. That's not a wild claim. That is fact. So, you know what if

like what if James Joyce's granddaughter is like mocked mercilessly at school now because of this well don't do that because he was a great guy

and it's hilarious it's giving us fun it doesn't have nothing to do with her I feel like you'd also be like I'm also related to James Joyce bitches

now get over here with your yeah get over here with your farty butts fuck him't just the farts that he's attracted to. Yeah, get over here with your farty butts. Oh, fuck him. So if we want to do a general call, this is it. Don't be a dick and don't use us as an excuse to be a dick. So with that being said, I do have a pitch for you to add in something to the end of our podcast.

Okay. This is ruining all my Dan stuff, by the way. I had a whole special anniversary edition. Oh, no, I'm sorry. All right, do the Dan thing. No, you fucking ruined it. No. I can't make this heartfelt plea to make him save his own life

and make people refrain from assaulting him in this bastion of shitness. That's literally exactly what I want us to do. Yeah, but now I'm going to rail into him. Oh, I thought you meant that was your anniversary thing. No, I was going to tell. Yeah, but now I'm gonna rail into him? Oh, I thought you meant like that was your anniversary thing. No, I was gonna tell him to go kill... No. You fucking piece of shit. I'm sorry.

We actually... It was... We were gonna make fucking history. Again. Because guess what? Guess what, Dane? Did he post more of his male role models? No.

We have a question from Dan. What? And you fucking ruined it. Hit me. Hit me with it. I mean, technically he asks a question all the time, and it's always about his ex and how to get them back. No. It's never really a question.

But this has been submitted to us by Dan. It hasn't. Should I give up on my ex-girlfriend? Yeah, Dan, you should have done it like three years ago. And then followed by how to keep your ex in a relationship once you get her back. Which is the most ominous. Oh, Dan, come on. Come on.

Okay, let's soften our criticism. Oh, buddy. Oh, Dan. Oh, geez. You wild guy. You wily goat. We were talking about this again last night when I was

drunk. You shouldn't be allowed to get drunk. And a lot of us mentioned how Pornhub comments are pretty good. I wanted to do that a while ago. And I think maybe after... It's sort of like

the sorbet to cleanse our palate after a dan um and so this comes from a pornhub user come to jesus two or to uh no it's in the number two okay and he says c-u-M Oh yes How many Zeds are in Jesus? Uh none It is real Jesus It is authentic Jesus Uh Come to Jesus says Dude's forearms be veiny

Like dicks without foreskins Were they? I don't know I didn't watch the video What's over? Oh shit We have to end this fucking thing Yeah you fucked the whole thing up

Oh man Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars if you want also fbuddiespodcast.com

go visit us most of our information our episodes and our fucking questionnaires on there so go send us some fucking questions send us some questions

also it links to all the other shit so you don't even need I don't have to do it anymore yeah we just say visit us on the fucking old website

but please send us a tweet at fck underscore buddies. Also, I just really want to say thank you to literally everyone who's listened. It's been a year. This has been crazy. We love you guys. Thank you for everyone who has supported us. My girlfriend did the logo, and that was amazing, and I really appreciate that.

Kyle, the fucking, like, the only host we've had so far. Amazing, yeah. Incredible just in every way we love you uh dan's girlfriend for like literally giving us all the shit that started this take over uh their apartment all the time um oliver for coming in and providing trying to get them pets from the floor and being a cutie um oh no we! He knocked over your whiskey and I caught it. Literally everyone who started listening and is currently listening.

Thank you, Connor, who blew through, I think, eight episodes the other day on the long drive. Thank you, Kyle, who's obviously listening when he's playing Zelda. He just said that.

I assume if the phone call can be heard. Also, one big person who has never been thanked or not thanked adequately but needs needs to, is Dane. Because Dane does the editing every week. It is not me at all. Dane puts a lot of work in behind the scenes,

and everything sounds great and is great as a result of him. And I just want you to know it is highly appreciated. Thanks, buddy. And you do a fucking great job. And thank you for doing this with me. It's something I've wanted to do and it's a pleasure to do this with you every week.

Anytime, man. Anyway, guys, we'll see you next week. Come to Jesus, says... You've got more? Dude's forearms be veiny like dicks without foreskins. My name is Dane Miller.

And I'm Niles Bain. And we've been your fuck buddies for a year. Woo, woo, woo woo woo woo woo.