F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 55 - Slippery Steve's Soul Patch

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

This week Niall makes a really good joke.  I mean, like, he makes a really, really good joke.  And if that doesn't make you horny, Dain brings back a baffling previous question-asker for a much needed update.  Topics include birthday texts, falling in love in three days, another prophetic dream, drive-by flirting, the great sugar daddy gift card scam, forbidden erections and the past kiss haunting.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller Yeah, I know, I've met you before And I'm not Spain. And we are your buddies.

Oh, fuck. We're your fuck buddies. We're dating and sex advice podcast. Turn your sticky sex situation to sexy sticky situations. I wanted to like, in my head, like a really 80s version of our song like came on there. Almost like an 80s infomercial. What? Because it was just so bad oh that intro was

so terrible that i can imagine it only exists in the realm of 80s infomercials which are also infamously bad that was really mean yeah okay well welcome to this abuse episode yeah thanks number 55 nice last week stain bullied his parents this week oh yeah when I was listening back to that and editing it I was like goddamn I can't remember the other things but like almost every question I was just like I'm kind of an asshole kind of kind of kind of a little bit just a little smattering I said Joker last night and now I'm an incel i ate a lot of cheetos on the way here and i got some really disgusted looks so uh thanks 2019 i guess you're also an incel probably

yeah i kept telling amanda being like sorry baby i'm an incel now she's like you can't just be an incel i was like what does it mean she's like involuntary celibate. I was like, yeah, I don't want to be an incel, but the movie made me. Yeah. I was just like, so baffled by the amount of like, almost like, sad headlines.

It was like, hasn't even been a single mass shooting. None of the Joker premieres. It's like, did you guys want that? Yeah, were you banking on it? Can you,

can you fuck off? Like no news was like, Oh, thank God. All this worry was over nothing. Everyone's like, Oh fuck. Really?

Can you give us one? I promise you that like pretty much every major news sort of outlet already had like a package of like graphics to, you know what I mean? It's like Joker watch 2019. So sad. And I bet they were just like, had it queued up and some like mean, it's like, Joker Watch 2019. So sad. And I bet they just had it queued up, and some motion graphics guy is just like, man, I spent like 45 minutes with the...

Come on. Probably. Well, I'm glad it didn't happen. Let's keep doing that, world. Yeah. Getting there. Let's keep disrupting the... What?

Do you need a pillow or something? You keep hitting that... It keeps hitting me, you fucking turd bitch. Alright, let's go. Hit me with a fucking question. You ready for one? Yeah, where is it? User...

This comes from a Reddit user, SmoothDicon. I went on a date with someone, and he hasn't called me back. It's his birthday tomorrow, should I contact him? Title says it all. Date went really well. We had a good night kiss. He's an MD student, but I don't think he's that busy not to text back, since texting only takes a couple seconds to send. Tomorrow is his birthday. Is it considered rude not to send him a celebratory text?

My birthday was a couple days ago, and he sent me a text. Yeah, send him a text. Also, if he hasn't texted you back, but a couple days ago he sent you a birthday text, to me, it seems like he's texted you back. Yeah, he seemed fine. Wait, when was the date? It doesn't say. It just says, I went on a date with someone. And then it says, really well, we had a good night kiss.

It says, I don't think he's busy not to text back. But it's like... Yeah, no, if he sent you something for your birthday and it was like a few days ago, you're totally okay to just say happy birthday. Also, maybe. Also, he's a fucking MD student. He's allowed to be busy. Like, yes, texts take a few seconds. But also, like, other things take a lot of time.

Typically, if you respond to a text, there's going to be another text. So, like, if you're doing something, the last thing I want to do is like if i'm studying or you know doing whatever the last thing i want to do is be like well now every like five seconds i'm gonna have to interrupt whatever i'm doing to look down at my phone it's like yes it takes a couple seconds but it also like those all add up and eventually you've thrown a whole wrench in sort of the mojo the groove of whatever this guy is doing. 100%. And also, maybe he just sewed it up into a cadaver by accident. It's true. Like, I don't know, fucking people sew their shit into other people all the time in medical school.

That's pretty much what they do. I'm pretty sure that's what medical school is, is you sewing shit up and then trying to figure out how to get it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually your final test. It's like the opposite of operation. It's called insertion. Yeah, your diploma is inside of a person.

Yeah, yeah. But you have to put it in them and then take it out. Yeah. So that's probably what he's doing. And the thing is, oh, that's the thing. Only send them one message because if you keep sending him messages, that poor person is going to be in a lot of trauma

because there's a lot of vibrating all up in them. It's in their gushy parts. Oh, the gushiest. Well, for real. Calm down a little bit, dude. Calm down just a little bit. If he's within a couple days, like, some people just aren't big texters as well. Especially, like, the start you had one date, right?

Yeah. It's like. He might be playing it cool. He might not be trying to, like like inundate you with messages. And it's also like, again, you guys, assuming I'm going to go into the assumption that, uh, you probably don't know him that well. You probably guys, you guys probably weren't friends to begin with maybe. Yeah.

So like if it is just a straight, you know, Tinder hookup or, you know, whatever, like you've, you've matched through a means of, of of not knowing him prior to it's very normal to not throw yourself into these like texting holes with people you just met yeah because sometimes you don't even know what you're gonna say it's like uh like it's effort and yeah to be like oh how's your day like to send that every fucking day when you don't really care yet maybe you listen to a previous episode where we were like you know cool it so you don't want to overdo it in between the next day maybe he just is trying to like you know bank that currency that's another thing have you have you guys established another date yeah i don't know it just it seems like if he doesn't write back ever whatever you have a cool opportunity because like it's not going to seem weird if you message

him on your birthday so even if you've already messaged him and he hasn't replied you can send him that birthday message and it's not going to be a weird like i'm messaging you again because it's a fucking birthday message and he's already made it perfect because he already missed you for years so you can send him this birthday message without any fear of reprisal whatsoever you're not being desperate you're not being weird it'll re reestablish contact if he doesn't after that sure whatever exactly oh so this is a great time if you want to see him again to ask him like be like hey can I take you over drinks boom birthday drink yeah you know what I mean and this is a great and then if he's like I know sorry then you can be like okay cool well you know I know

you're busy let me know when you're free and we'll go grab a drink perfect and then the only way you're gonna ruin it is by being like whoa you know i know you're busy let me know when you're free and we'll go grab a drink perfect and then the only way you're gonna ruin it is by being like whoa you're gonna take something back yeah like if you start freaking out it's gonna fucking cripple the whole thing also as a general rule not that being crippled is a bad thing sorry 2019 um like if you want to if you want to do it do it like if you want to send him if you want to send him a happy birthday text. Yeah, just do it. If you want to fucking send him a happy birthday text. And if he looks at it and he's like, wow, this bitch is crazy.

Oh, okay, great. That's his fucking problem. Yeah. It's like, it's such a non-issue. If you want to send someone a text and they get weirded out by you sending that text, then it's probably not going to be a good match for you in terms of, like, communication skills. So send the fucking text. Send it.

Do it. Send it. Have you sent it yet? I sent it for her. You what? You're not allowed to do that. Nah, well. You broke the third rule of dating. And podcasting. Yeah. We're in top 30 now. We can't do that shit. We all play by the rules. Hey guys, we reached top 30. We never in top 30 now. We can't do that shit. We gotta play by the rules.

Hey guys, we reached top 30. We never play by the rules. Ba-da-da-ba-da. Hand in your badge and gun. Your sex badge and your dating gun. Your dick gun. Okay, you ready? Yep.

This is by Fruising Clorox. New girl, 19-year-old female, told me, 20-year-old male, she loves me on the third date. Yikes. We met on Tinder about a week ago. Hey. And only met in person four days ago. Whoa. I won't lie.

We clicked hard. Our personalities perfectly mesh together, and we just get each other. We hang out at last hours, and there's never a dull moment. We slept together on the second date, and we both said it was the best sex either of us have had, and she has had several relationships before. I have only had one. We really opened up to one another about personal things too. On our third date aka third day we hung out again for a few hours and then she said it. I was caught off guard and told her I wanted to say it but I can't. I do have feelings for her but I just got out of a 1.5 year relationship and I want to mean it when I say it. Should I be worried? She doesn't

really seem like she's lying to me but i'm worried she might think she feels something that she doesn't i can see myself in a relationship with her but we aren't even technically dating yet i'm just worried because we have only known each other for three days so i mean like first red flag for me is you've gone on the same amount of dates as you've known this person which hasn't been much i mean i'm not saying it's like i've definitely done situations like that where it's like you meet someone just like it just happens that it clicks and you guys have three days off or whatever yeah you just don't want to stop fucking yeah i'm not i'm not against this but uh there also seems to be the miscommunication of the difference between lust and love.

Well, I just... And the fact that you guys don't really know each other. Like, love can be any number of things to any number of people, but I also feel like there should be a baseline of not time, but experience. And three days, no matter how much time there's like, unless you guys were like kidnapped by fucking like rebels in the Syrian border. And you fought your way through three days of like crawling through the mountain and like saving each other and like rolling down hills,pping each other's heads from sharp rocks and you know oh like when you like they roll and like she landed and then he landed on top of her and they like face to face for a bit like just for like a brief instant there's a little bit of sexual tension and then she being a strong independent woman is just like

she pushes her and pushes them off yeah but then the next time it happens, they done smooched. Even that, three days, you'd be like, okay, no, too soon. That's insane. I'm sorry. That is crazy because either she actually thinks she loves you after that amount of time, which I don't think is possible, but also she isn't socially savvy enough to keep that to herself. Even if she does go like, oh, shit, I love this guy. She's oblivious enough that she thinks saying it is okay. Yeah. And like, maybe, maybe you're just that good.

And maybe she really is in there. But like, to be so unaware that you're like, that's a good idea. Yeah. That itself is a problem. I mean, I think everyone ever, the first time they tell someone that they love them, that sort of like, is it too soon soon is going to come across in their head no matter how long like yeah i've had it after like six weeks six fucking months yeah i've been like well this is too soon yeah is it too soon and it could be like years it could be whatever you know i mean like there's there's

however long and again we don't like to say there are timelines but there are definitely anti-timelines yeah and three days is again it's like there's there's just like there's just not nearly enough that could have happened in the span of three days that you can know if you love someone or not i mean you could definitely respect their journey you can respect what they've been through they can respect your openness or how well you fuck you mean there's a bunch of things that you can respect what they've been through they can respect your openness or how well you fuck you mean there's a bunch of things that you can like love qualities about that person someone got good dick game clearly yeah no bad dick game here no um but yeah i think if i would be i would be very very very very very very hesitant um like if we're actually gonna

throw out advice i would be very hesitant moving forward i wouldn't immediately end things you know but i would be no i would be like fucking hyper focused on everything that person does because like it's how things go from here that are really gonna you know like maybe take a little bit of a break maybe take a few days and is she okay with that yeah you know what i mean because i'm gonna guess this is one of those people that's like where are you you have to text me back it's your birthday in a few days can i message you you know you're gonna be a real slippery steve you gotta evade all her attempts to nail you down you gotta pre-oil your steve up so you can just like she's trying to catch you and you're oh you're over there now

you're all full of grease she can't tell you down. Does she love you or is she obsessed with you? But what if he wants to be a sticky Steve? What if he wants to be nailed down? Then he wouldn't be asking this question on Reddit. Pop, pop, pop. Maybe. But he doesn't seem to know what he wants.

That's fair. And again, if you're okay with someone just clinging to you like a lost barnacle, cool. That's all good, you know? That's the thing. We never say you have to be slippery, Steve. You know? Yeah. It's just a hilarious joke.

It's just a really good joke. It's just really funny. Just a really, really, really good joke. Yeah. And maybe there was a throw forward last week because we're that in-depth of comedy that we can just alter the flow of time and appease people who listen backwards you know what i mean that's fine i mean let's not fuck with the flow of time too much after the you know what episode yeah we don't talk about that yeah um edit that out i will um yeah there's also no harm in like having the conversation to being like hey i'm super feeling your vibe and i feel like we're

really cool but like i think that perhaps yeah maybe some space and maybe some time to sort of like let this gestate and let this sort of uh ruminate with us for a bit i don't know if i used either of those words correctly but i think i did i think you can let something ruminate you can ruminate on something fair enough close enough but hey we fucked with time let's fuck with vocabulary 1.5 out of 2 um yeah and and sort of like you made a good point where it's like if see how she reacts to that if she hates the idea that maybe you want to take some time apart yeah after three days i would say run yeah that's like that's when you activate slippery steve.exe yeah yeah yeah um this is definitely a it's like a warning shot

you know what i mean and maybe the people shooting at you are like oh wait it's steve let him in or maybe they'll just unload on you when you get nearer to the gates. You know, you don't know. Maybe the Citadel's friendly. Or maybe they are false flags and it's enemies who are in the castle with their machine guns trained upon you. You know what I'm saying. I lost you on that one. It's a warning shot.

And you don't know. You've got to pay attention. I think that analogy was a slippery steep for you. Everything's slippery steep today. Either way, just like, I wouldn't immediately end it over that, but I would be fucking terrified. Yeah. And you just got to see how things go from there. And don't, like when the next thing comes up that you're weirded out about, don't take that in isolation.

Be like, okay, this probably needs to end. Yeah. All right, let's do it. You ready for a return of something? The Mac? I wish. I keep dreaming about my first love. No.

He touches me in my dream and made me a display cake of our 500 days anniversary. I was sad I can't have sex with him. He wants it because I got mycoplasma from my recent ex-boyfriend. No. The dream was so ex-boyfriend. No. The dream was so fake and so real. No. I keep dreaming of my first love these days. He's marrying someone else.

I still love him and probably always will. I hope mycoplasma goes away. All these antibiotics didn't kill it. I went sunbathing today hoping the heat will burn my vagina a bit and disinfect the bacteria. My life is so much better without the guy who gave me mycoplasma.

He wasn't a huge bad person. Just he had an infectious hard to cure disease and he gave it to me. I can't ever be with him or even talk to him. He will reinfect me again because he loves sex with anyone. Can't trust him. My first love...

In my dream... He was so loving, but he has a GF. It's not really a question. It's just more of an update. But it raises so many questions. Is this new? It's not the newest one man this mycoplasma saga oh yeah is fucking wild so when i first i was like i was looking for questions and i was like damn i wonder what they're up to yeah so i looked them up and it was like oh no results found i was like no they deleted their account

got them um but nope nope they're still active i was like no they deleted their account we got them um but nope nope they're still active i was just wasn't spelling the name right that is just like we actually need to get like i should like a bunch of sheets and like hang them on this wall and replace whatever we had here before i forget but it's still there don't worry um we need to take that down and we need to start putting it up and, like, piece together. Because it's so fucking cryptic. I want to know what story this is. You know what I mean?

There's so many different parts. It's so deep. Mm-hmm. Like, but also, a display cake for our first 500 days? Yeah. That's the weirdest fucking part. Who celebrates 500 days? Not like a year and a bit.

I'm assuming she is obsessed with 500 Days of Summer and absolutely does not understand the point of that movie. Yeah, but also, your poor vagina. Is burning it meant to be? No, no, no. She says burn her vagina a bit. She was careful. Yeah. uh she says burn her vagina a bit she was careful yeah also i assume this is probably an internal thing and has nothing to do with any amount of sun is that medically like prescribed burning because i'm pretty sure they could probably do it a certain way themselves or are you just

a fucking crazy person who does not take care of your poor precious vagina well i mean she's had mycoplasma for seemingly forever i also don't even really think that's a real disease it is i looked it up while we were talking about this well it was like a cow related disease or something right i think so um hundreds of mycoplasma species infect animals. Is she a humans? Is she not a humans? Or is her ex-boyfriend sort of a really dashing fox sort of character? Yeah. Oh, Albert Bernhard Frank found it first in plants in 1989. Yeah, Mycoplasma 100% sounds like a plant bit.

Yeah. So, species infecting humans. There we go. But either way, it's just something I really wanted to just bring back into the universe, bring back into the show, and let you know that I'm still keeping tabs on this. These are not nice. Well, yeah. One of the other questions that I really, really, really wanted to do was, I'm going to paraphrase here, but I'm going to get the important bit right.

She said, I am still itchy, or I have mycoplasma, and I suffer from itchiness, green discharge, and itchiness. Hey, if it's that bad, do you have to say it twice? Yeah. That's a green discharge itchiness sandwich. Yeah. So there are a bunch of different species of mycoplasma that... Oh no, they literally are contracted from animals. Did he fuck an animal?

I'm assuming he fucked an animal. But the names of these, there's M. spermatophyllum, there's M. sylovarium, there's M spermatophyllum there's m sylovarium there's m penetrans there's m orale and there's m incognitus oh i know so which one do we think she has 100% incognitus there's nothing incognito about green discharge and or this person but can you hide it is that how it's transmitted you don't know you have it until you got it even we know she has it i think pretty much anyone who's ever been on the dating subreddit knows that she's got it yeah um gut speed i hope your poor slightly burnt vagina recovers i wonder if the dreams are a side effect of mycoplasma because she has a lot of them she has some fucking wild ones uh yeah this whole this whole thing but maybe she is in fact like

some form of bovine and that's why her things are so weird because she's typing with hooves yeah like i also want to like i've i've looked through her post history many times and i just literally cannot get a read on how old she is because i think in one of the posts she says she's in her 30s but then she's talking about like not like her mom telling her to do things and then she's talking about people getting married and then she's talking about like guys at school and i'm like are you i think she's shucked like the constraints of time as well as the constraints of grammar. Yeah, I don't know.

I just want to send them a message. Because there's a lot of times people will say, like, what's wrong with you? Like, what's happening? And she will literally just be like, my boyfriend gave me Michael. It's like, yes, we know that. But that's not the question we're asking. Can we get her on as a guest? But, but like from afar so we don't get Michael yeah yeah as long as it's not transmitted through audio waves there's probably an

M auditorium yeah all right hit me with all right so this is by needy and anxious awkward girl completely bombs the first interaction with male specimen they're crushing on. It's my first ever poster writer because I'm honestly really desperate right now, at this moment, for an outside perspective. I'm always in the dating advice thread, but I need my own personal advice instead of looking for commonality through others. So I'm 23, and this guy at my community college is extremely cute. I've had my eye on him for maybe a week or two, but I've always seen him around.

Today is the day I decide to hit on him with my brutal honesty and tell him I think he's cute. I walk up to him and say, hey, this is probably so weird, but I've seen you around campus, and I wanted to come up and tell you that I think you're really cute. So that's exactly what I said. That sounds pretty good. Nope, it wasn't. I'm awkward by nature, and that's just my vibe all around.

And I had class as soon as I told him, and I had a quiz today, so I was in a rush, but mostly I was nervous to talk to him. He chuckled a lot with me, and after I told him, he said nothing. But he did give me sweet, soft eyes, an acute smirk, and rubbed his patch of chin hair. That's it. I kind of stood there and awkwardly waited to see if he would say anything.

Can I just interject real quick here? Your man has a soul patch, so I don't know how... Or she doesn't understand the name for, like, what to call a goatee. Maybe. I wake up and stand there and I'm like, I don't know if he would say anything. And then I said, I have to head to class, so I'll see you around. He chuckled and said, okay.

It took me an anxious hour into class to see that. Did a couple, like, sick hacky sack tricks and then skateboarded away. I didn't tell him my damn name or ask for his, so my advice questions are, how bad did I royally screw this up? Do I approach him again, or do what my mom was telling me to do and let him come to me? Because if he's interested, he'll approach me though? Did he even give off any type of interest?

Am I grasping at straws? If anything happens, I'll let you know. If nothing happens, I'll let you know. I mean, there's good news here. You're hitting on a guy who has a soul patch. That's probably the only attention he's received in years, probably ever. So there's nothing you can do that is worse than deciding to have a soul patch. So already you're leaps and bounds above him Unless you also have a soul patch

We've just lost all of our soul patch listeners I will say I'm only hating on people with soul patches if they're white I don't know if that's racist It's a weird flex It only I don't know For some reason

Soul patches just do not work on white people Okay well we're gonna send Dane into the living room To think about what he's done I'm gonna take over from here It's gonna be a lot less racially charged You're gonna upset all the white folk into the living room to think about what he's done. I'm going to take over from here. That's going to be a lot less racially charged. You're going to upset all the white folk. I imagine, considering your name is needy and anxious,

you mentioned being anxious a lot, and you effectively said you had to run off, that I'm going to imagine you didn't give this person much time to reply. It sounds like you kind of liked it. Should we role play how we probably think this went? Sure. Do you want to be the guy or the girl? I feel like you were making the point that I think I would make.

So, like, I'll be the guy. Okay. You can't hear it, but I'm, like, doing hacky sack tricks right now. Hey, this is probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen on campus. I wanted to come home and tell you I think you're really cute. What? And I'm gone. Like, I'm already gone.

Wait. That's him rubbing the soul patch. We it we did it boys yeah no like I'll bet you fucking liked it and you're in class and you're like oh my god cuz the thing is when you're probably like as you're walking back you probably didn't stop just like hey I think it really good but also like he gave me sweet soft eyes that's the weirdest fucking shit I've ever heard but also also, seriously. He's probably high as fuck. Yeah, well, if he's just tacky sack, he wasn't sober. I, like, you're fine.

The guy was probably blindsided. Do you know how many people go up to random guys and tell them they're cute? Not very many people. All the time. Sorry, different life experiences. Wow, dang. Told you, today's the abuse episode. Yeah, like, he's probably completely blindsided.

He's the one who doesn't know what to do. You're the one who had the confidence to go fucking talk to him. So just go, like, literally maintain that confidence, and next time you see him, go up and be like, hey, sorry, I had to run for class today. I realized I never even told you my name. Like, I'm Shelly. And be like, I'm Slippery Steve.

Or beat him at his own game. Oh, get rid of the hacky sack. Show up with devil sticks. Yeah, that's fair. You know what I mean? Like, I see your hacky sack. That's for babies. Yeah.

Check out these sweet fucking sticks that I flip around and twirl. Yeah. What the fuck was the point of devil sticks? They were amazing. So he's going to be there with his fucking 85% hemp pants, his cargo shorts, and you're going to show up with 100% hemp girl. Yeah.

Also, he probably has dreads. He sounds like he has dreads. Oh, 100%. He's wearing those, you know those like, the Caravejo, like those big like hoodies that are like in the knit, but they're not knit. You know what I'm talking about? He's 100% wearing those. No matter how cold it gets, he's always wearing shorts.

I respect that, to be honest. Yeah. And he doesn't shiver. Like he's fine. He's probably got one of those knit hats as well, like the big floppy knit hats. But for reals, he has no idea what to do with that sudden assault of niceness. All he wants to do is fucking hacky his sack.

So go back up to him, tell him your name, be confident, and I'm sure this time he'll reply. There's the off chance that he's not going to be attracted to you but the fun thing is he's probably also not going to be angry at you hopefully you know what i mean you think i'm cute fuck you also i imagine i don't think anyone with a soul patch can get angry i think you have to reach a certain level of like enlightenment and zen before you can even grow it um yeah give it give it another go again there's literally no harm chances are you probably fucked it up the first time no i

wouldn't well you didn't stick the landing you didn't like nail it yeah but you didn't fuck it up you know like i don't think he's like wow that went really well until she left and now i think i hate her yeah he's probably bewildered. You honestly, you've done a proper seduction move. You took him on an emotional roller coaster. Yeah. You basically did what every seduction subreddit tells you to do. You came out of nowhere.

You kind of probably yelled angrily at him. I can't imagine you doing this with any. He was probably by himself too. You probably isolated him. You isolated him. You were aggressive, emotional roller coaster. And then you just like were gone. You kind of nagged him by running away yeah because it's like wait but if i am cute why aren't you sticking around to talk to me for more than seven seconds so you've you've

got them right where you want them nice you'd send them a dick pic there's uh there's literally yeah no harm in going on being like hey uh sorry i ran off the other day um i had a quiz yeah uh my name is anxious and nervous and i'm really into you or or i think what's i think you're very cute and i would love to grab a coffee with you sometime because there's 2019 you can ask a dude out on a date yeah this isn't fucking you know you have to the 50s where you have to wait for sadie hawkins day to ask a guy out. You can literally just be like, Hey, what are you doing right now? Cause chances are it's nothing.

He's doing nothing right now. Don't ever call hacky sack nothing. All right. Never, never again, Dan. All right. Just, just go talk to him. You're good. Yeah good yeah uh this comes from reddit user misa cat need help with sugar daddy is he scamming me i'm kind of in a sticky situation

oh hey speaking of which god um i'm kind of in a sticky situation is this our first sticky situation i think it might be shit at least a self-proclaimed sticky situation um i thought i had a sugar daddy who was helping me pay my credit cards but he's asking me to use my paid off credit cards to buy gift cards can i just block him and stop talking to him can he try to sue me or anything i mean i have documentation of him giving me his bank information i never stole it i'm definitely asking for clarification there because he can't. If he can't legally do anything because he gave me permission, I'll definitely block him and be out. I just feel uncomfortable buying these gift cards.

What if he ghosts me and I can't put the money back in my credit card after maxing them out? And he has all this money. So why is he making me get the gift cards? Thanks in advance for any advice. Oh, man, you're getting scammed so hard right now what what gift cards why is he why you buy gift cards what like here's at any point did you question this did you ask him why he wants the gift cards did he ever tell you why he wants the gift cards you want to hear my theory that he has a wife and he can't be like buying lingerie and shit for his sugar babies.

So he's getting her to buy them like him gift cards for like shit. So that when he goes in and pick shit up, he's not putting it on his credit card. He's using these gift cards, but that's still her money. I assume his big plan. It's like, just keep paying off the credit card or he's going to fuck you over one or the other.

I think it's one of those things where I think the arrangement was probably like, hey, if you buy these gift cards, I will pay off all of your credit card. You know what I mean? I don't think it's like, I'm going to pay off your credit card, but now I need to use it. I think it's more of like, hey, you do me a favor. That's what it sounds like, because he's already done it. Because she's like, it's more of like hey it sounds like you do me a favor done it because she's like it's already happened i can fucking just ghost him right now

and it also seems like it was probably like a sign of good faith it was probably him being like that's all clear i'll clear your credit card and now if you can do me a favor if you buy i'll like no matter what you add on to your credit card this month i'll clear it so you do me a favor and i'll clear it yeah kind of situation no because if you have the ability to put to pay off her credit card you have the ability to buy your own gift cards wait like it's not less suspicious if a hundred dollars disappear from your fucking bank account for a gift card yeah but it is more suspicious if 1200 disappears into someone else's fucking account that's very true you know i don't think about that like i guess my i guess the only thing i can think of

is like he can transfer money out into a separate account and be like oh it's business expenses i assume he has a business i guess you know what i mean as opposed to being like hey why are you going to the drugstore and buying like 87 000 yeah two thousand dollars worth of fucking gift cards or why are you going to licenza but like or you know i mean like literally victoria's secret and buying 200 worth of lingerie every other week but you could like buy a gift card and if they're like oh just like i was for a client like or it was for a present or like it was a war a birthday in the office open another bank account get another credit card yeah there are so many other ways to do if you have a shit ton of money i don't think the bank's gonna be like

nope sorry ma'am can't give you another credit card they love giving people credit cards yeah so they make money they're fucking wet for cards so what you need to do he's being a real slippery steve because he's trying to slither his way into your financials with like a little like oh don't worry i got this but just put me on those credit cards and the thing is he probably paid off x but x is probably three times lower than the gift card so he's making this initial investment risk hoping that you'll be so confident because if he's he's done that then when you buy all these gift cards he runs away and. And he's like, I made so much more money off you than you made off me.

What gift cards do you think he's getting? I would assume chapters. You know, like Indigo. He's looking for those fall reads. You know what my bet is? League of Legends. He's buying those League of Legends cards. You just gotta get them all. He's trying to unlock everyone. Get those skins.

Maybe some Fortnite cards. Open the loot boxes. Or maybe Apex. Like, have you seen the fucking price tag on those? Yeah. He wants that heirloom. Yeah. He is in financial ruins, and his wife is like, if you spend one more goddamn penny on Apex packs.

Yeah, that's fair. But paying off random girls' credit cards, that's fine. Yeah, that's credit cards that's fine yeah that's okay that's philanthropy being scammed it doesn't make sense no if he has the like if he has the ability to manipulate finances to give you to pay you off he has the ability to hide his money to buy things for people he doesn't need sketchy ass gift cards also like money kind of exists you know in the cloud right like you don't have but like gift cards are tangible can you imagine having to carry around that many fucking gift cards that's so much more suspicious i mean like you've got 72 keg cards what are you doing is that shoppers drug is that 87 shoppers drug mark cards what the

fuck is happening derek why are you walking around with a fucking briefcase that's nothing but gift cards honey i'm going out into the uh the backyard for my evening dig yeah maybe he knows something we don't know maybe the banking system is about to collapse and the only currency in the future gift future will be gift cards. Will be gift cards, yeah. Will be like the fall of bottle caps, but instead it's just like, I'll give you one. If you give me that fucking red lobster gift card,

I'll give you this can of gas. Yeah, so he's trying to be a slippery Steve until he can be a solvent Steve. It's funny. I know a considerable amount of people who either have or have had sugar daddies. And from all the stories I've heard, they've all been real cool. In the sense of like, they've never, you know, demanded sex.

It's always been more about companionship. And like, I worked with a girl who literally did not pay rent. And all she had to do was go to dinner with him once a week. No sex, no touching, no kissing, nothing. Literally just go to a nice dinner.

And it was like, nice dinner. So it was still do this, right? I was like, man, I'm probably a better conversationalist than her. I have a podcast.

Yeah. Right. We could fucking do, we could make future jokes and then next week at dinner they'll find out what those are um but yeah it's i was like i was trying to wrap my head around being like do you just not understand the like circumstance or like the the agreement that you guys have entered into or i would just love to know what he has told her therefore yeah because that would help clear things up slightly

maybe but i cannot imagine there's anything but a scam because there is no way you have the financial freedom to pay for someone's shit without causing suspicion but are not able to buy them like lunch at fucking denny's what what's the scam here because presumably if you're getting a sugar daddy i assume you're probably in enough financial distress that like your credit card bill is probably fucked so if he pays it off why didn't he just spend that money on the gift cards so you know what i mean if he's maybe if it's one of those like things where he sends you the the transfer and then he asks you to do whatever but then you put through the transfer it looks like you have money in your account but then you don't realize yet like maybe it's one of

those like fake check things so people it's been a scam in in toronto even where like people will go up to you and be like hey i'll have a bank account but like i have a check right here and like you can keep you know fifty dollars or hundred dollars if you just like put this in and you take out the money and blah blah and you go in and you put in the check and it shows up in your account and you give them their hundred dollars and you get your fifty dollars and everything seems great but then a few days later the check bounces it's all you're on the line for it and they cross those yeah of course i know who doesn't have a fucking bank account i'm like also but people like if someone if someone's like hey can you take me to a bank machine where you deposit this and put your number into the machine i'll just stand right close to you yeah no no but sorry man also don't have a bank account yeah i i like it

baffles me why people would ever think that's not a scam, but they get so many people, man. The only thing I can think of is he had done a real good grift at the beginning and got like a lump sum of money and uses that to pay off the credit card first. You know what I mean? I assume it's like an investment where either he knows he's going to get more shit at the, like if he gives like a little bit, like's say you're like eleven hundred dollars in debt He throws you eleven hundred dollars and then he gets back two grand worth of gift cards Under the impression that they still pay the next two thousand years because otherwise it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, I Don't know if you are either a con man or a victim of a con man or just some sort of like

Yeah, if you're better math genius, can you please let us know what this grift is because i would love to know what it is what's the point what's the benefit of having gift cards over cash yeah i don't know like do they appreciate and value i don't know maybe maybe he's then going to grift someone else by selling, like, say, a $20 keg card as a $40 keg card. Yeah, or he's going to use it. He's just really into buns trades. Like, he's going to use it and then be like, it's $100. Keep the receipt. You know what I mean?

And just be like, there it is. Yeah, there we go. And then, you know, trade it and be like, fuck you. I don't know. I honestly don't know. You can't check the gift card when you meet them. Yeah, exactly. He's going to get some fucking sick couches off buns.

He's probably going to resell them. It's wild. This guy is on fucking the next chain. Yeah. He's on the next chain. He's off the chain. He's on the next train. He's just...

Well, Slippery Steve. All right. We've talked about this too long. Yeah. This is a weird episode. Oh, shit. We've got an update to the last one. The, uh... Better bitch?

Awkward girl. Okay. Why would I have a better bitch? I don't know. That's you. Update. We walked by each other all day today, and he said nothing. Didn't stop me or didn't glance my way, so I'll be taking that as my hint that he has

no interest in me. Sucks, but oh well. Gotta keep my head up and not let this one thing get me down. Thank you for all the advice and support. I wasn't going to approach him again, because to me, that's too weird. Putting myself in his shoes. He had an opportunity and didn't take it.

LMAO, but I will be seeing him every Tuesday and Thursday for the rest of the semester. Well, well. That's not us. I guess we missed the mark on that. Well, it's not great this is by you know you don't know my 20 year old male girlfriend 19 found out that i would get erection from kissing and now she's a little disappointed we are five months together when i say together i don't mean

living together because we are living in a muslim country and we can't be together until we get married fast forward till now we're playing truth or dare, and she found out that I have got an erection when we were kissing. She's a little disappointed. She says she is not sad, but her idea of me is distorted right now. She thought we were kissing just for love and affection, and she didn't think I would get an erection through it. She says maybe she's conservative. Maybe it's her fault that she doesn't know about this stuff. What should I do to show her this is completely normal for dudes? I find her very attractive. She is very sweet. I'm in love with her. We want to get married after three years. What should I do? show her this is completely normal for dudes? I find her very attractive. She's very sweet. I'm in love with her. We want to get married after three years.

What should I do? How old is he? 22. Oh, boy. I mean, it's tough because there is a cultural barrier here that I need to be aware of or we need to be aware of. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, again, I don't know what kind of like

sex education i don't know what country they're from i don't know that sex education they're they're being given so like if the only information she has is like sex is bad yeah or for babies and you know the dick is only for bad sex or babies yeah then i can totally understand that like she would be off put because like either mean that like he's being deviant or is you know trying to have a baby which probably is which is also bad out of which is yeah which is like or also probably like not the the answer that was probably more likely. You know what I mean? Like Occam's razor kind of thing. It's like it's most likely that he's a sexual deviant than it is that he's trying to get her pregnant. Yeah.

So there's that. But I'm going to treat this as no cultural. Like having said that, I'm going to treat it as if there isn't sort of a, you know, like a religious barrier or whatever here. And it's, it's one of those things where you might have to sit down and have the talk and it's kind of awkward to do with your girlfriend, but just kind of explain and be like, Hey, my body is going to react to your body and it's going to, it's going to react to the things that we do. And kids like, I love you and i'm very attracted to you and that is sort of the only two components that really you know activate direction i mean i know

you can also get direction from weird shit that you're just like hey what yeah what's going on down there she needs to know one that like it is out of your control firstly and secondly that there's nothing inherently bad and like you can be loving and affectionate and have a boner yeah you know like it doesn't one does not preclude the other those are the best times to have a boner they are um and like yeah and again it's like if someone doesn't know that that's fine like try and let them know try and educate them if you can find like an online resource so it's not just your word against you know yeah that i think will maybe help a little bit more but like the more they know about your physiology because it is like it's common people like yeah you know

fucking when i start kids and girls boners everywhere yeah man i remember the like my first like school dance i just got my hand on a pair of just great butt cheeks. Oh man. And that was. Boners everywhere. That was just game over for my pants. Yeah. I mean like that makes it sound like I ejaculated.

I did not ejaculate, but like. Okay. It was, uh, it was Boner City. Yeah. In the downstairs region. Yeah. And then you have to deal with like, do you sort of like back away or do you just kind of like you're like you're gonna you're gonna feel my dick pressing into your thigh now yeah and that's

just how it's gonna go hopefully you not you're not upset by that yeah you know um but yeah like you just gotta let her know because like she doesn't have a dick i assume so like how is she really gonna know you know especially like if it is the case that like sex ed isn't as prevalent like wherever you're from like i know it could differ from state to state from school to school from country to country you know uh just learn it and like try and keep it like i don't know if scientific is the word but like you know just try to lay out the facts and just be like it is the thing that will happen like yeah blah blah blah blah and like it's not not bad thing and it definitely does not preclude you from loving someone and being you know sensual

yeah like absolutely she'll be very happy that this is the situation because the alternative of like when you guys do want to start having sex if he's not attracted to you and he isn't getting an erection or you know what i mean it's like that's going to be more problems down the line than getting an erection now before you want to start having sex yeah so this is from agent 747 um and they basically said that they they hooked a friend up with a friend but it was a friend they had kissed ages beforehand, and she is now upset and blanking them because she has found out.

This is high school dumb bullshit. Yeah. I wouldn't even say high school. This is elementary dumb bullshit. Yeah. Maybe middle school. Yeah, so, like, yeah, this is crazy shit. So, okay, you've kissed this person in the past.

Yeah. Who fucking cares? Yeah. I've kissed a lot in the past. Yeah. Who fucking cares? Yeah. I've kissed a lot of fucking people. I almost brought a question in. Also, even more importantly, you have hooked these friends up together. I dare say you are not romantically involved with this man you kissed a long time ago. If you were like, hey, you guys should just fucking bump nasties.

Yeah. That would be the wildest power play move. That would be bizarre. Yeah. I'm going to hook you up just so I can break you guys up, motherfuckers. That's how much I like him. Yeah. So you could see how good I was in comparison to this piece of shit, who is one of my best

friends that I absolutely love, but now I hate them. Yeah. Like, that doesn't make any fucking sense. No. It's, it's, so I was, I was going to bring a question this week where it was a guy who was like, oh, my girlfriend makes me feel like shit every time that, that she brings up like I lost my virginity to someone other than her. Because she lost her virginity with him. Yeah. And he was like, but it was like, you know, two years before he even met her. Yeah.

And it's one of those things where it's just like, people have lives that exist prior to you entering them. Mm-hmm. And their actions have no bearing on your current relationship. Not at all. Because if I slept with someone before I even knew Amanda existed, and for whatever reason it comes out that I had slept with this person, if Amanda then got super upset about it,

I would be like, you're way out of line here. You have no right to be upset because I didn't know you existed. So for me to have slept with this person with no prior knowledge to you... You can't tell the fucking future yeah i people who do that is wild and i again it should be limited to like people who are 13 dumb and insecure yeah we're like a kiss is especially because like they didn't even sleep together no it was a kiss which even if

they had would still not be a fucking big deal but it's a kiss so it's even less of a big deal i might kind of understand where it's like you don't want to sleep with the same people that your friends sleep with i like i kind of get it like once no one's getting hurt um but obviously this person isn't if they're hooking you up with them yeah you know um but then like also to throw away your friendship over a guy you just met that is not the actions of a sane person no like you know no it's it's there's very clearly i i would say something probably underlying maybe like there was always a bit of jealousy with how she felt towards you probably um maybe there's a bit of jealousy on how uh you uh enter or exist in sexual relationships like maybe you're a little bit more free

maybe you have a little bit more experience maybe you have now she's always yeah maybe you're a bit more uh you know i mean like maybe you just attract men easier than she does you know i mean there's there's a bunch of different things where like that could come into play and where now she feels like she's being measured up against you because of the common denominator which is this guy but again there's also like i think it's worth talking about there's also this sort of like removal of agency from this dude as well where like he he's made his choice in both situations where he's he's made out with this person and then has since decided not to do that anymore

like they both have and have now decided to pursue her and they've been doing a lot more stuff so to then sort of like just come kind of like cut him out of the process. Yeah. Yeah. Like he, he made choices as well. Like it's not going on in front of him. It's just like this hidden war behind his back. Yeah. Um, and let me tell you,

it's like, that's, that's a really good way to lose both of the things that you enjoy in life. So your friend and this guy. Oh yeah. Because I would hope that any, any guy who sort of, uh, has a friend. Yeah. of has any sort of self-respect, if he realizes that a past action, they would be gone.

This would be one of the 10 year friendship for me over something that really didn't matter, there is no guarantee that we aren't going to have a 10 year romantic relationship where we're committed and together for 10 years. And then you're going to find out some minuscule detail that has no bearing on our relationship and how we feel about each other. And you're just going to fucking walk away from that because of that. Yeah. Also, like, it's just like you're not treating your friend very well and like i don't want to be with it's like if i see someone kicking a dog or some shit it's like if you don't treat your friends well if you don't treat serving staff well if you don't treat animals well you're probably indicative of a pretty shitty person yeah it's like i know all i need to do and i am out yeah if you're gonna treat your friends of like a decade or whatever poorly what treatment do you think I'm gonna get yeah who's the new guy that really doesn't matter

in the grand scheme of things like if your if your long-term friend relationships or any like long-term relationship is that easily disposable over something so inconsequential i am feeling like i am just sort of like the idiot sitting on you know those like dunk tanks just waiting for you to hit the right spot are yeah that's the thing it's uh so like if you're the person in this situation you really need to think about why you're freaking out so much over something that arguably does not matter like you really need to think about why you're freaking out so much over something that arguably does not matter like you really need to have a long hard think about one why you feel that way yeah two why you're willing to go to such drastic lengths um and three whether it's worth losing probably both of them but at least one of them i would imagine like are you gonna look back

and be like this was a good i made the made the right choice. Yeah. Because I doubt it. No. So you really, like, this seems to be, like, it's going to be a you problem. You need to look at what it is that is upsetting you so much because that's not someone else's problem. And also, you have to do the exercise of put on those other pair of shoes. If you had a really cool friend and he's great and you one day kissed him at a bar, because, you know, for whatever reason, had kissed him. And then two years later, you realize that he might be a really good option for one of your friends. Would you divulge that information?

Because the irony is saying it makes it seem like way more of a deal. Yeah. To preface a meeting with like, hey, I have a really cool guy who I think you'd like. I think you'll click with really good. Just so you know, I kissed him. Yeah. This is the fucking weirdest thing to say. Because you would be like, well, do you still like him?

Like, do you still want to kiss him? Oh, no. I just want to let you know that, like, two years ago, this thing that hasn't affected our relationship whatsoever happened. Yeah. And also, like... Okay, cool, I guess. I wouldn't think to divulge it because I wouldn't think it's an issue.

No. It's not like I'm hiding it. I literally would not imagine that someone would freak out over it, so I just wouldn't come to mind to divulge. Yeah. Yeah, just... And also, if you're one of the other two people in this situation, run. Yeah.

Or, like, have a real heart-to-heart talk with this person and try to figure out if there's some way it makes some kind of sense and come to an arrangement. But probably run, because that's not normal and cool. No, it sucks that like that's that's shaken out that way yeah um because like you can't even really talk to the dude either because then if they find out that you talk to them you know like if that ever gets back then it's going to seem like that you're now yeah you're now sort of like corroborating your story together, because I also don't think you can have a conversation with this guy that isn't basically you telling them they should end things with this person because none of the things you're going to tell them are good. Or even just being like, oh, hey, if she asks again, lie. Or, like, don't tell her this, don't tell her that.

Because that puts him in a shitty position. Like, to be like, oh, now I have to remember, like, what I can and can't say. And, like, what she, like, now I have to worry about what you've told her that I now have to be in line with. And it's like, if that was, I would just be like, I'm going to just cut a hole in this ice and drown myself. Yeah, there are other people I can go make out with

and then get in trouble for doing so in a year. Yep. Yeah, just, no, not a doing so in a year. Yep. Yeah. Just, no. Not a good sitch. Not a good sitch at all. You know, you need to slippery Steve your way out of this one. What a good joke.

So, oh, it's... It has been tingling the very mic we're using right now. The thing is, it's so good that, honestly, I don't even think I'm using it enough. Yeah, no, this is something I could see us talking about for... Decades. I was going to say years, but there are years and decades, yeah. Thank you so much for listening, friends. You're welcome.

We're doing really good. I kind of regret ever looking at the charts yeah because now we can't not but we're doing real good and it's all because of you guys and it's fucking really really cool um thank you so much for listening and sharing and reviewing and rating uh a while back we had some problems with our iTunes reviews not carrying over to Apple Podcasts, and you guys have sort of just piled on them and have changed that for us. I think we now have the same amount or even more reviews on Apple Podcasts now. So it's really cool that you guys are enjoying the podcast because we love making it for you guys every week. Yeah, you guys have been the best. We are now officially in the top 30 yeah that's crazy we thought 31 was good 30 so much yeah we want we went on one slot we want to keep going like

uh and every every single person who has like just done everything you know what i mean like it's great yeah it's uh like i said it's one of my favorite things to do during the week is to get in this closet and do this and and the fact that you guys are enjoying it makes it worthwhile if you didn't enjoy it we'd still fucking do it so don't get rid of us that easy don't think you think you're gonna stop yeah come on come on nothing to me no love you. But thank you so much. If you want to send us a question, we've been relying a little bit on Reddit lately, and we could use some sweet, sweet new agents or returning agents.

I mean, it sucks because I don't want people who have sent questions in the past to come back because that means they have problems. Again, you know what I mean? But I want them to come back because I love them. It can yeah you know what i mean but i want them to come back because i love them it can be theoretical it can be about someone you know exactly like just because it's a question doesn't mean it's a problem um and it's also like we we don't always have to it doesn't always have to be a question it can be you can pose like a situation and we can talk about it it could be a discussion question as well i just want to unequivocally state we do not have themes for our episodes i keep getting asked oh what's this

what's this theme this week about i swear to god the next person i fucking ask me that unless are we unless one of those secret themed episodes that i didn't tell dan about yeah we've done themed episodes haven't about yeah we've done themed episodes haven't we yeah we've done like Christmas I've slippery steved a few of them in

yeah if you have a question there's a bunch of ways you can get in contact with us you can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash

fckbuddiespodcast you can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies you can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast

at gmail.com or if any of that is too difficult you can find us up on gmail at f buddies podcast at gmail.com or if any of that is too difficult you can find us on our website at f buddies podcast.com uh you hit the contact and there's a whole form you can fill out you can choose your own agent name or you can let us choose one for you um and we will uh we'll get it and we'll answer it uh as soon as we can oh yeah uh thank you josh eagle and harvest days for the song paper stars all right i'm getting comfy so much like a slippery steve going down a slope this one will be quite swift this is by laurent laurent binais the seventh function of language. It's fucking.

Bianca grabs Simon's dick which is hot and hard as if it's just come out of a steel forge and connects it to her mouth machine. Is that it? That's it. That's all you need. God damn the mouth machine.

Speaking of slightly burnt genitals Is she a robot? Is that disclosed? I have no idea Bleep bloop Activating Mouth machine Yeah mouth machine

What does it mean? Just mouth? I guess It's fucking dumb Maybe she sucks like it's a robot I don't know Like a vacuum cleaner But like connects it

It's like It doesn't sound like the dick's even getting sucked Yeah I don't know Alright We danning cleaner. It connects it. It doesn't sound like the dick's even getting sucked. Yeah. I don't know. Alright. We Danning it up? Yeah, let's do it. Dan says, my ex blocked my number. Is it over? We started this, I think, on our anniversary episode

where I give a little palate cleanser from the Pornhub comment section. And this week Pornhub comments section. And this week, Pornhub user Cuckalode says, Do you guys prefer soft serve or regular ice cream? Please answer. It's for a school project. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Laspin.

And we are your fuck buddies. you