F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 59 - One Hundred John Cusacks

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

The spookiness of October is far behind us now and the cold winter chill has begun to creep into the closet.  Dain brings a much needed update on an on-going saga and Niall reveals our first listener gift.  Topics include dealing with betrayal and a tattoo Hail Mary, ignoring women for three years to attract... women, learning to not be creepy, sneaking a boy into your house undetected, being the only girl in the world to your special someone, a BetterBetch update.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are... Fuck Buddies.

I know it hasn't felt like it for you guys, but it's been a while since we've been in the closet. Don't tell them our secret lie. They don't need to know anything about our times. Time is, you know, it's not a flowing river. It's happening all at once or whatever it is. I can't remember the metaphor. Welcome back. Thanks for joining us.

It's a chilly one out today. I mean, I don't know when you're listening to this, and I don't know where you live, so it might not be chilly. It's chilly snows. Did it snow? It snowed. Oh, shit. Yeah.

There was snow when I was on my way over here. Lame. Yeah. So... I think it's official. Spook stains. All gone. I think the snow has. Spookstains, all gone. I think the snow has washed away the spookstains,

and now we're in. We're in, I don't know, the festive stains? What's the festive pre-cum, maybe? Yeah. Fest play. We're in fest play right now. Anything going on? How are you?

I'm all right, I'm all right. I'm pretty good. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm tired. I'm alright I'm pretty good How are you doing? I'm good I'm tired I'm not That's good Yeah

So I'll rub it in I will Good And then I'll rub it out If you know what I mean I don't know I feel like I've probably Mentioned this before

But there's a church In my hometown That used to put signs Like Not really funny signs But sort of like You know Little zingers.

Just so Jesus doesn't rub it in, he rubs it out. Yeah, it's like, to this day, it's my favorite fucking thing ever that, like, either one, the dude really didn't know what he was writing, or he, like, literally thought a masturbation joke about jesus was the way to get more people into his church i'm gonna assume he didn't know what it meant and he thought it was just like like an eraser i mean yeah exactly like he forgives right he rubs it out he doesn't rub it in he's not like hey remember that time you fucking killed your wife damn sorry i'm sorry you know i can't remember the name of the church, but like you're the mental image I

have of you right now is just Jesus just jerking it hard in your church. Jesus isn't mean. Jesus wanks. Yeah. All right. Let's take a question. Okay. Do you want to go first?

Am I going first? I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to go first. Okay. This is by user. Life questions me. Discovered my 24 year old male girlfriend girlfriend 24 year old female was cheating on me i broke up with her and she responded by getting my initials tattooed on her neck whoa my girlfriend and i have been on and off for the past seven years she's my high school sweetheart

and then carried out through college past year and a half and really great and our relationship felt stronger than ever so strong we began looking apartments together as much as looking forward to this next step a part of me felt like something was going on. I'm not proud of what I did, but I ended up going through her phone and found messages between her and her friends talking about the guy who was a regular at her work, along with some other messages directly to the guy, but most were deleted. Some of her messages were as follows. Her saying to her best friends, I didn't text her back so she was going to go to his house instead. Her telling this guy to come up to her work to visit and saying how they've been vibing lately and it's not good because she had a boyfriend. Him texting her saying she looked cute

at work that day. Other red flags. Majority of the texts between him and her were deleted. There's a phone call to her from just five days ago before I looked through the phone. She claims nothing physical happened between them but they were flirting with each other for a while. Claims they hung out twice with mutual friend groups. He tried to make a move on her and she shut it down because she couldn't go through with it. I asked her why the fuck she was doing this behind my back and her excuse was she felt like she didn't know if our relationship was 100% and she shut it down because she couldn't go through with it i asked her why the fuck she was doing this behind my back and her excuse was she felt like she didn't know if her relationship was 100 and she didn't know if it was going to last so she was seeking attention from elsewhere i basically told her she was dead to me i want nothing to do with her she's been

blowing up my phone constantly since i broke things off well today i get a text from her saying she's getting a tattoo from me because she never wants to forget me and she loves me so much i didn't respond a few hours later she sends me a picture of the tattoo that's my initials tattooed on the side of her neck under her ear at this point i have no idea what i think what to think or feel i have no proof they did anything physical and she swears it was nothing more than flirting and hanging out with mutual friends but i really don't care still cheating my eyes i know she loves me and her getting that tattoo reinforced the idea even more but i don't know if i can forgive her for this oh man there's so much to to just unbox there you have given me an early pre-cum festival whatever we said earlier fest play yeah it's see

it was juicy it was worth the wait um if you bit into that it would probably scald it was it's like it's like a soup dumpling yeah you bit into it and now it's scalding the back of your neck. Unfortunately, I put it all in my mouth at once. Yeah, I'm sorry. Just a rollercoaster of emotions there. I'm going to try to remember everything. Like, first, it sucks to go through your partner's phone. But having done it and having ended a relationship that way

and finding out things that I probably wouldn't have found out otherwise, I understand why, why sometimes it happens and why sometimes you do it. Yeah. It doesn't mean it's cool. It doesn't mean that it's not an invasion of privacy, but sometimes. No, it's super shitty. But if you do it and find something, then you're vilified.

Yeah. I don't know. It's, it's a weird one, but, you know. Two, it's... Everyone's got their right to have their definition of cheating or their definition in order to be betrayed, but if we're taking everything she says at face value, I don't think she necessarily cheated on you. What she has done is, I think that that is the level of

betrayal that you can that it's it's easy to say like yeah no i i feel 100 betrayed by this yeah um it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you feel hurt and betrayed by it then because your relationship so yeah so it's uh i mean that really sucks and And it's a clear indication that while nothing had happened yet... Or it had, because it seems a little shady. Yeah, there's definitely... The seeds have been planted for a night where maybe one too many drinks have been had. Or you guys have had a fight and you're... That's kind of what happened as well.

He didn't text me back so I'm going to this person's house as like this punishment he doesn't know about. Well, I think she was saying that to her friend. I know.

Yeah. That like, well, you're getting punishment now. Like, what if you do something worse? What's your punishment that you don't know about then?

Also, this is all ignoring the wildest. I was waiting for you to get to the wild part before I jumped in. Well, I was building up to it. Okay, keep going. I was ramping up to get to the wild part before I jumped in. Well, I was building up to it. Okay, keep going.

I was ramping up to it. I'm trying to remember everything. I know. I just like, I wasn't going to engage, and now I have, and now it feels like we're ignoring parts. But keep going. Yeah, I mean, the craziest thing is the fact that she keeps texting you. Yeah, thank you.

Right? Who texts these days? It's Snapchat or nothing. Yeah. Get on TikTok. What are you doing? If you don't have some kind of weirdly suggestive butt to Coke bottle message. I still have no idea what the fuck TikTok is.

It's basically Vine. It's literally Vine, but new? New Vine? New Vine? The tattoo. Okay, we'll talk about the tattoo. That's fucking crazy. I don't even...

Like, I adore Amanda, and everyone knows this. I don't... I would not get a tattoo of her name on me. Wow. It's all coming out. Yeah. And it's not a thing of being like... Dude, I wouldn't get your initials tattooed on me.

What happens? I wouldn't get my own initials tattooed on me. It's fucking weird. Like, I don't know, what's, what's the point? Like,

especially after a relationship has ended, if that's your like, Hail Mary, being like, look, I put your fucking initials. Also,

what's his initials? I hope it's really weird. It could be something, yeah. Maybe it's like, Peyton Sawyer. So it's P.S. and then she can pass off something else yeah exactly or maybe it's just F.U.

maybe it's Frederick Ulysses I hope fucking so it's yeah I mean like it's one of those things where it's just like that shows me that there's a poor decision making skill on her part which only make me think that you'd probably

also make bad decisions with the random bar regular. Yeah but like in general it's like there are very few times I think it's appropriate to tattoo your partner on yourself and after a breakup is very much not one of those times. Yeah like this person is

fucking wild and the fact that you don't realize that this is wild is wild it's weird that that's just like oh my god damn it's been a while it's been a while you need to get out of this relationship and it's weird that that's his like he's like oh but i know it's like that's i'm sorry that's what's tethering you to this situation yeah that's the biggest sign to run. Like, if anything, it would have been her being like, look, I made bad decisions, and like,

yeah, I was getting a little flurry with him because, you know, my own insecurities, or, you know, maybe I put up walls, or I, you know, self-sabotage. Like, any of those things would have been enough to sort of maybe like sow some seeds of doubt. Well, if she was willing to admit what was wrong and work on it, sure.

You know what wouldn't hook me back in? Her being like like i've put a permanent tattoo of you on my body yeah no that's that's not my advice is run yeah i think one you've it's hard to win trust back so now literally anytime you see her texting or anytime she goes to work or anytime she's not texting you back after, like, at the late, you know, she's out with friends and she's not responding to your texts. Anytime, you know, she's out with friends, the only thing in the back of your head is, is she fucking that dude? Also, like, even if she's honest and straight up and won't do these things and, like, you know, is like, hey, I won't see him or whatever. He's going to see her at work every day because he's a regular and he comes in and messes her, you know it's like hey i won't see him or whatever he's gonna see her at work every day because he's a regular and he comes in and messes her at the you know so even if she's trying it's gonna be really hard for you i imagine to be cool and it's not like she was like there's

a part where he literally knows that you have a boyfriend so obviously that's not a deterrent for him yeah so like it would be you couldn't then be like, oh, hey, I'm really sorry that like it's it's gotten weird between my boyfriend and I don't think it's like he doesn't care. Yeah. He's he's he's made that clear that he doesn't care. And it's sure it's a little it's framed in a different way and it's not quite as fun and flirty. But if he if he cared that you had a boyfriend, he wouldn't actively be trying to hook up with you yeah so yeah I think also the like vice here the behavior is wild the tattoo is just no just like every part of no yeah just go and then also makes the tattoo really funny when you leave so even better yeah I mean like it, you gotta do it for us. Do it for the TikTok. I hope his name is, like, Owen Oliphant Peter Smith.

So it just says, oops. Oops? Because. Oh, no. Yeah. Owen Henry Neil Oliphant. I don't know. I can't think of any other names you can go with O.

Because, like, at least. Literally Irish. Half your fucking country is oh something yep i went there it's fair uh yeah you just get the fuck out run yeah a tattoo is not it's never is never a reason to go back this is like if anyone got a hail mary tattoo to save your relationship it's you know i mean it's like having a hail mayo hairy male uh baby hairy mayo baby hail mary baby you know what hairy male baby would probably make would make me more likely to go back to relationship than a hail mary and it's not something that you have you just find

yeah it's just a real hairy baby yeah covered in mayo like that makes more fucking sense than this tattoo yeah um yeah this is just go yeah you get you made your choice going back now will only result in a tragedy for you probably literally or or wait wait i'm sorry get back with her break up with her again in two months see how many tattoos she can get see if you can sort of like light her up like a fucking NASCAR. Just constantly get like different and be like, well, you know, I'll come back. But I think my dog needs a tattoo. You haven't really given pooches enough of your bodily real estate.

Here's my high school yearbook. I need everyone's name in there. Yeah. Like, well, I never wanted to tell you my nickname because it was so important to me. uh here's my high school yearbook i need everyone's name in there yeah like well i never wanted to tell you my nickname because it was so important to me but it's the only thing that's gonna bring me back this time and it's toots my horn i don't know it's something just like see how many like how long how many tattoos will this person get to keep you around because eventually you'll you'll decide that like okay yeah maybe she does want to be with me yeah well that's the thing and one tattoo wouldn't get

me but like 17 tattoos i'm like wow this person loves me i was like well okay maybe i'll hang around um right next question started selling ad space um this comes from reddit user old simpsons is better did anyone try the ignore women, live your life, and women will enter your life approach? It didn't work for me. I see this dating advice given out a lot of times. They say to ignore women, live your life, and you will find that women enter your life and become attracted

to you. I've also seen many times guys saying that once they start ignoring women, women have become more attracted to them. Did it work for you? I tried this approach for about three years, and nothing happened. I wasn't any closer to getting a girlfriend, Oh man. I feel like this guy missed the whole point of all those things. I'll bet you. I'll bet you like when he did the ignore women,

he probably did it really well. I'll bet he took it to extremes. like when he did the ignore woman, he probably did it really well. I bet he took it to extremes. Like he saw one coming and was like, oh shit. Yeah. Out of the blinders on. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, anytime his female coworker entered the room, just fucking smashed it. I imagine like the advice is more like a, don't try too hard. Kind of like live naturally. Don't come down like a bag of fucking bricks like most seduction people do. Surprisingly, not from the seduction subreddit.

Oh, God. Right? Oh, no. Is it from double seduction? It's from bad seduction. No, it was from the dating subreddit. Fair enough. But probably also a hefty seduction contributor.

Probably. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just throwing false stones. It definitely sounds like seduction advice. Yeah. Yeah. Like speaking to your point, it's if you're if you're ignoring women and focusing on your life. And if the reason you're doing that is to entice women.

Yeah. Then you've done it wrong yeah because the whole like you could you could choose any like advice and if the the end goal is so that you're more attracted to women or so that women will be attracted to you uh the focus is the same you can be like i'm i'm gonna walk dogs yeah for you know for women i mean that's that's all i'm gonna do it and it's like if you're still actively trying to do something for women, then it doesn't matter what the verb or the action is. It's the same thing.

And it still has that same power over you. And it's still got the same weight of insecurity. And it's still the thing that's poking you in the back. Because you're not trying to live a better life. You're trying to live a better life so that women will be attracted to you. Yeah. And that's, which is not living a better life. That's, but like the irony is the initial advice is like this throttle back on this

obsessive, like woman, like hurtling towards, but like to do that, to obsessively hurdle towards women, it's just wild irony. Yeah. And also if you... You stopped hurdling towards women so that you can hurdle towards progressing your life towards women. Yeah. Like you've just shifted the direction, but it's still the same, you know, end of the

road. Yeah. And I think it's very indicative. Like three fucking years and you like didn't have contact with women, that's an indication of your life. Because I can't do a single thing without coming in contact with women that that that's an indication of your life because i can't do a single thing without coming in contact to women all the time well i don't think he's actively like specifically avoiding women i think it's just like women aren't i think his plan was that like

i'm gonna do x y and z and these are my you know three-year life goals and this will get women to approach me 100 but the thing is like the way he wrote it it sounds like i will bet you money that this is a person who doesn't have like a female friend i will bet right yeah because it sounds like in this thing he was like there's just no women in my life i figured like whereas like i i there's no part of what i do that there isn't like a woman in it you know what i mean like because women are people and he does not seem to realize this yes and it's just the whole mindset i think is the fucking problem 100 it's not but that's that's just the impression i get like it sounds like he has a life that does not regularly feature women unless he's trying to hound them down yes yeah it seems very

much like women in his life play the role of, uh, the either sexual object or object of affection. Yeah. Like those, those are sort of like, that's what women are there for. Um, and I'm sure like, I'm sure he has female coworkers and I'm sure he has, you know, women that are in his life, but they're probably not the ones he's attracted to. So therefore have diminished like importance in his eyes. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's one of those things like importance in his eyes you know i mean like it's it's one of those things where it's like you know they the secretary or you know the fucking but maybe not maybe maybe it's an all-male office yeah maybe um so what i want to do is like fine-tune this advice because it's not bad advice no but. But people who seem to follow it

almost every time I've seen it referenced always seem to get it wrong. The idea to stop pursuing women or to quote unquote ignore women in order to become more desirable isn't, that's not the end game. It's a cause and effect thing where if you focus on things that

matter to you you will ultimately become more attractive if you're trying to focus on things that matter to you to become more attractive then you're doing nothing yeah you're wasting your time because there's no difference than just trying to be more attractive yeah um but also i think a lot of it stems from if like a lot of the time when you are pursuing women with this like single minded, like fury. I need a girlfriend or I need to have sex or. Yeah, it's they can smell the mile off. It's desperation and it's non like it's not natural. And they know exactly. Whereas like if you ignore that and start doing your own thing, then when you come in contact with someone, they meet you and they meet your passion and they meet your kind of like joie de vivre. They don't see you just being like, hey, lately, you know what I mean?

So you come across more natural and then that's why people are more attracted to you. And that's why that like that goes better because you're not having this fake encounter where you're just trying to get them into bed and they can sense that. And then the natural you is a lot more approachable. But the irony of then doing all this so specifically to hound women means you never got to that stage because you're still like, look at me. Yeah. I'm like, I've done all these things. I've followed X, Y, and Z and still no women. It would be like, I don't know why this is always my example, but like joining like a

dodgeball team. If you join a dodgeball team because you've always wanted to and you thought it'd be funny, join the team and there's a really cool girl there and she's attractive and you're attracted to her. If you're just like, hey, I'm not going to make this a thing and I'm just going to play volleyball. And have fun. Or dodgeball, whatever fucking ball you're playing.

Wait, wait. So he joined dodgeball and he's going to play fucking volleyball? Hey, man, it's a tactic. Whatever fucking ball you're playing. Wait, wait. So he joined dodgeball. And he's going to play fucking volleyball? Hey, man. It's a tactic. No one's expecting a spike. Oh, man. This is... You don't change...

He zigged when we thought he was going to zag. Right? And you know me. And like, if you let those relationships progress naturally, where it's like, maybe you guys all go out for drinks as a team afterwards. Again, if you don't... If you're not focusing on her, if you're focusing on the team and the friendships and the camaraderie of being on a team, that is going to make you more

attractive. That is the thing that is making you more attractive. Ignoring her is not the thing that's making you more attractive. What's making you more attractive is that your scope and your worldview is a lot broader than putting your dick into something. And more natural. And also, like, you're not, like, suffocating someone. You're not, like, just fake and, you know.

Yeah, you actually have a personality. You don't. A lot of people's personalities, especially nowadays, tends to revolve around, like, a specific thing. Like, you know what I mean? They've figured out that they're very good at Instagram. And sort of the only thing they can talk about figured out that they're very good at instagram and sort of the only thing they can talk about is how well they're doing on instagram and their followers and or whatever or you know like anything it could be video games anime it could be fucking literally

anything but a lot of people tend to listen to our podcast yeah a lot of people tend to like fixate on one thing and they realize that that's like that's their hit and that becomes their personality and they tend to they'll they'll have the same circle of friends or the same quality people or the same type of people around them because that's all they're sort of you know orbiting yeah um whereas if you just focus on sort of like enjoying life and enjoying and collecting experiences and uh being open and honest and being friendly and being genuine, you're going to find yourself surrounded by a wider birth of people. And you're going to find people are much more receptive to being around you. Yeah.

And that's going to lead to attraction. Yeah. It, it, it shouldn't have to be said that like a natural, fun person is a good thing. But yet it does have to be said. It all stems from like we're a generation of instant gratification, right? We're the generation where if we don't know how to do something,

we look up a YouTube video and we learn how to do it. And unfortunately, human connection doesn't work like that there's not a there's not an abc guide to it and it's it's very you know it's specifically tailored to certain people like what works for me isn't going to work for you and what works for you isn't going to work but there are there are certainly concepts there yeah there are general things but like that's i think the inherent like problem with like pickup artistry is like it gives you this checklist that that's not how people work yeah you know you can't and like putting someone down to just these fucking this simplistic list is very dehumanizing when you

don't treat someone like a fucking human guess what that's not attractive yeah unless that's your kink but you know what i mean yeah yeah all right well do you want a question that's kind of on the same sure hit me this is by lion venom 10 oh shit how do i stop being creepy okay university student second year still a kissless virgin cliche am i right it's true i'm shy but i'm often able to overcome it what i cannot overcome is awkwardness i always feel like i come up as a creep that's why i can't approach girls after the first week of every semester where we meet new people due to class changes. When I'm at the club, I can approach whoever I want. I always get turned down without worrying because I know they won't ever see me again.

However, with people in my university, it's difficult because they might be friends with someone else. I'm always too scared to leave a first impression. Also, being an average or maybe ugly single dude, I don't feel safe to just introduce myself to a girl having a smoke outside or at the bus stop. Am I doomed? Question mark. I mean, like time and place. I don't think bus stop is the best place to introduce yourself. That's sort of everyone's alone time.

And let me tell you, the worst kind of people talk to you at the bus stop. Yeah. Like I've never had someone come up to me at the bus stop and I've been like, oh, good. This will be fun yeah like if a girl's having a fucking smoke at a bus stop she doesn't want like have you ever been getting a bus and your friend you bump into your friend you're like like this is great obviously I love my friend but like now I have to chat for 10 stops I kind of just want to listen to my podcast or whatever actively pretend I don't see people sometimes yeah like even if I like them

you know it's like oh yeah I want to catch with Fuck Buddy's newest just delectable fucking show. I want to get hammered in my ears by the sweet, dulcet tones of Dan Miller as he sips whiskey and just spits fire on the mic while enriching my life with laughter and sound complex advice that's thought-provoking and positive and really suited to the modern era you know what i mean that's that's what i want to do when i'm at a bus stop and like i don't want you shuffling up and trying to touch my clit yeah also it's like i would i would wager that like there's probably a good like 50 chance that uh if a woman is approached by a dude at a bus stop she's probably gonna see his dick like he's probably wearing a trench coat and. Oh yeah. Exposed.

Literally half of all. Yeah. Um, so like firstly, time and place. Secondly, I think the like, okay,

it's good that you don't want to be creepy. Yeah. I think it's really cool that you're thinking about that and you're, you know, but then you also have this mindset where you're like, I can go talk to people because i'll never see them again it doesn't matter but i'm worried about talking to someone i might see ever again what the fuck are you saying yes if that's and if that's a concern

for you you're either way too anxious about it or you're saying or doing shit that is not good which i'm gonna err on the side of that with a little spice of the first. You shouldn't say anything that would, you know, if you're just talking to someone, nothing bad is going to happen. If you walk up to someone and say, hey, you're in my sociology class. My name is Steven. It's nice to meet you.

No one's going to be like, I can't believe this has happened. They might, you know, they might be fucking shitty because some people are some people are shitty some people are awkward but no one's gonna start a rumor around and be like that guy introduced himself to me if you go up to her or her or they or whatever if if you if you approach them and your opening line is hi i saw you in my class and i just can't help but tell you you're very attractive yeah you smell i sit I sit behind you and whatever perfume or shampoo you wear or use, it just smells so good.

I lean down to tie my shoe and I just got a fucking nose full of your hair. And that's all I come about these days. Sometimes I drop my pencil in order to just get a real good whiff of this neck area. Sometimes I look at you and I just wonder what your toes smell like. Yeah. If that's what you're moving on, if that's what you're approaching with, well, there's your problem. Yeah, but, like, nobody is ever going to be upset by you being, like, normal. Yeah.

You know, like, hey, how are you? And the thing is, if you, like, don't go into these situations being like, I want to fuck. If you go into this situation and you want to talk to someone with the mindset of like, hey, fucking sure. That's great. Maybe it'll happen. Maybe it won't. But first and foremost, I'm going to meet a new person and we're going to get along. And who knows? Maybe you guys are going to be great friends.

Maybe you guys will never hit it off. Maybe you'll realize, oh, I actually want to sleep with this person. But hey, now I have another friend in school. Then that's how you do it. Like this isn't sex. This is a person. Also, if you're if you're you might just have like that fear of of pretty people or like people that you do it. Like, this isn't sex. This is a person. Also, if you're, if you're, you might just have like that fear of, of pretty people or like people that you're attracted to.

That's fine. Pretty people are terrifying. Don't talk to them. Or, you know what I mean? Like talk to the guy that you've never met in your class and be like, hey dude, what's up? Yeah. There's, because the stakes for it has been dropped rock bottom.

You're not trying to sleep with him. You're not trying to get him to. Unless you are. Unless you are. Oh, yeah. Still don't be creepy. Find someone you don't want to sleep with and hone your conversation skills with them. You know what I mean?

Learn how to introduce yourself to someone where you're not panicking about. Also, you're in a great, great situation of being in school because you can join a club yeah that is relevant to your interests and suddenly you're in a room ditch the clubs for the clubs yeah you're in a room full of people who you know there is at least one thing that you have in common with them and also share one mutual interest and that's what you guys can talk about because guess what that's why they're in the fucking club in order to talk about whatever the goddamn hell it is the club is about and also the difference between a bus stop and school is school's like a safe space you can talk to people and maybe they're not trying to fuck you or be weird and maybe they just want to be friends bus stop they probably want to fuck you or be weird

yeah maybe not in that order it's like yeah it's there there's there's places to do it and school is a great place to do it because that is a place of community that's a place of of meeting and integration um yeah like nine times out of ten bus stop no one wants to talk to anyone i would argue like 99 times out of 100 but like dan's advice is good however i also caution against having this people i want to fuck and people i don't want to fuck mentality where like people i don't want to fuck are people or they're or they mean nothing yes and people i do want to fuck aren't people but mean everything like that's not how you should ever think if if women are just sex to you then you're already fucked up yeah you've literally fucked up so hard already and it's not going to get better until you fix that get rid of that and people will like respond people are like oh this person treated

me like a person wow it's amazing as opposed to like oh this guy thought i was just a walking vagina like yeah i will put in my advice with once you realize that you can talk to someone you don't want to sleep with realize that that it's the exact same situation with the people that you might be attracted to. Because there's no difference other than you might be sexually attracted to that person. And that's fine. No one is saying that you can't be sexually attracted to people. No, by all means. By all means.

That's great. Yeah, for sure. But don't be a dick. But that doesn't change their fundamental, you know, worth or quality of a person. So just relax. Take a deep, deep, deep breath. And realize that you're not creepy unless you are. Exactly.

And like that's, that might sound scary, but it's not. Because you, like, you know. I think, imagine it was late and a very big man came up to you and if he said what you said to those people would you feel safe yeah or just yeah exercise some empathy and real and and switch shoes and be like if i was a woman standing at a bus stop wait put your left on your right and your right and your left yeah that's how you fucking walk around in other people's shoes um if you if you were standing at a bus stop and someone approached you with the intention that you have, would you be cool with it?

And chances are, your answer would be no. Yeah. So then don't fucking do it. Yeah. It's a very simple exercise in empathy. So just take a second. Take a quick beat before you approach anyone. Be like, if roles were reversed, would would this be cool and if you're like

no and like you know there's someone listening to me like yo hot girl comes up you bust up y'all fucker right there but that's not that's not the situation you are the hot girl this time and the person approaching you is you big blocky benjamin yeah and if that's that's empathy yeah and then just like people are people and that is going to be the best fucking way to start anything but it is good that you're thinking about being creepy i just hope you're thinking about for the right reasons yes um this comes from reddit user splendid city tips on sneaking a guy into the house i'm 48 female want to have a guy over 17 male after my parents go to sleep. Any tips how to be sneaky and not get caught? Oh.

Oh. This is. I just bit in to that soup. Soupy, soupy dumpling. And the back of my advice throat is scalded. Oh. Delilah. Okay.

Your parents are old as shit i'm assuming they're gonna be out they're gonna be out they're gonna be so asleep just bring this he's 17 that's not legal yeah i don't think that's legal yeah it is i don't think so there's like a i mean i it depends on in the state and everything but like um there's like a i thought 18 was the age of consent no i'm like if you were 18 and 17 it was fine kind of deal like no age of consent is usually younger than the age of majority so like in canada i believe the age of consent is 16 but like isn't that only if you're within like a year or two like i thought if you were 18 and it was 16, it's kind of fine. But if you're 30 and 16, that's illegal. Yes.

So 48 and 17, I'm just going to go on the no side of things. She's 18. What? She's 18. They said she was 43. No. What? Female, 18.

Oh, did they? I don't remember you have 43. I was like, wait, what are you talking about? Oh. They're probably in the same fucking class. Take back all my whoops. I don't remember you having 43. I was like, wait, what are you talking about? Oh. We're probably in the same fucking class. Take back all my whoops. I don't know how I missed her. I thought you said she was like 48 or 43 or something.

I thought she was living at home. Yeah. That's why I was like, this is the juiciest question. I was wondering why you're freaking out. Oh. Yeah. I can't wait to listen back to this and see if I said a fucking wild-ass number or if you just had a stroke.

Did I just mishear? Oh, man. Okay, I take back all those whoops, but don't edit them out because I was having so much fun with that question. Okay, 18, 17. I like it. You're the older girl, but a little bit. I love it.

He's 17, right? Did I mishear that, too? No, no. She's 18. He's 17. Dial it back. It's back in legal town. It's back in progressive town.

I like it, girl. Get it. Get that dick um she doesn't sneak them in ooh uh bring them up to the attic

to watch Stardust that's what I did that movie I love that Stardust is your fucking movie oh I've watched that movie like so many times I know we've talked about it

the Dying Darko was mine I know but mine was actually a fun movie yours is a fucking um yeah what are people gonna do when they're watching a movie that's fun movie yours is a fucking um yeah what what are people gonna do when they're watching a movie that's fun they're gonna watch the movie yeah and then

afterwards they turn to you with that big smile and they're like thank you for putting that in my life you have to now put my your dick in my life you have to wait the whole movie see people get bored with the honey dark one they just make hell with them can you could you wait the whole movie with this staring at you all swaddly like this uh if... Wait, no, that's Inkheart. Damn it. I keep confusing these movies. Yeah, so... Sneaking them in? I think you got to try do non-sneak first. Like, come up with a reason.

We're studying. We're going to watch a movie. Well, she wants to do it after the parents are asleep. Okay. So the key here is oil the hinges of all those doors yeah you need to do a very careful walkthrough of your house and find exactly what floorboards squeak yeah you need to find out

what square or stair squeaks and like make a you know oceans 11 style like plan yeah on top of that you need to wear like clothes that enable like easy access you don't want to have jeans halfway down your ankle when your sleepy dad starts coming down the stairs you want to have like a dress you can lift up or a skirt right like we've all done it no you want to still have like respectable inverted commas clothes like uh you know like a what are they called teddies whatever like the like the like sleeping gown thing like you want to look like you're sleeping if you're still wearing like a really nice dress in bed at fucking well no see i'm worried so i'm assuming they sleep i think i'm just going by like you know homes back home two stories they're upstairs you're downstairs You sneak him into the kitchen.

Y'all fuck standing up in the kitchen. You bent over the counter. Dress up. If they come down and they're like, what the fuck? You're in normal clothes. Like, if you're in a nightie, that's kind of, like, sensual. Yeah, really. Just be like, oh, I had to get a glass of water.

But if he's there is what I'm saying. Like, if you get caught. Oh, you're fucked. No, it's damage reduction. It's damage reduction. Because if you're in normal clothes and he's in normal clothes, they come down. Like, what the fuck?... Oh, you're fucked. No, it's damage reduction. It's damage reduction. Because if you're in normal clothes and he's in normal clothes, they come down like,

what the fuck? You're just like, oh, he was passing by, he needed to use the... like, charge his phone because he's heading home and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No one would believe that.

But... Not a single parent in the world would believe that. They would. They would. But they would at least have something they could latch onto, whereas if they come down

and you're in a nightie and he's there, you've been getting railed. You know? This boy's 17 his dick is hard like you walk into that kitchen unless the he's got something to hide behind he wears a hoodie that he can zip up just where that bulge is there's there's damage reduction also you're trying to cram a fucking dick through jeans i've all you just pull it down a little bit it's all about getting like if you get caught that's the thing you have to like lay your basis so that if you get caught

it's the best it can be right you don't want to be no you're not going to take off all your clothes for example if you take off all your clothes someone comes down you're fucked right if she's in lingerie and you have your jeans like awkwardly half pulled up you're fucked you know you get somewhere that's far enough away that if they start to come down you have prep time you wear enough clothes or enough easily access things that if they come down you can stuff all the things back in unless you're caught with penises out or in something you're still kind of in the clear then you need a good excuse for him to be there uh-oh all your innate sneakiness is a genetic trait from your a very sneaky dad.

And you can't hear him. Because he's quiet. And you lay a trap. You spill popcorn on the stairs. He can't step down those stairs. He's already eating it. Shit. You oil the stairs.

So he falls down them. That's noisy. That man's oiled 24-7. He's used to it. You. How do you think he's so sneaky? Shit, yeah. I didn't account didn't i didn't

account for oil dad he never account for oil dad that's and you you put sandpaper on every surface to counteract the oiliness now he's back to moving at the speed of a normal human didn't think about that did you that's not bad you get one of those like singing trouts that when you walk by the laser, it goes like. Just be like, dad, I know it's a little early for Christmas, but I've got you this gift and I'm going to put it right outside your bedroom door. Exactly. Right.

Or even just like in the hallway by the stairs between you and the kitchen sacks or it starts singing. It's like comedy trout song and flapping and you have time. It'll be like Elfinish Elf. It'll be like trout on the grout or whatever and you like you every day you put it somewhere new yeah so that he never knows where it is so that's all i'm saying is you lay your bases so that if your sneakiness doesn't come together then you're not caught with your pants down literally but then sneaky wise you just gotta like oil those oil those hinges wear socks find out the creek the creaky step just get them in get them in and get them out

also like maybe you live in one of those houses that every fucking teen comedy and teen drama show have and have a convenient like lattice that leads right up to your bedroom window a la Dawson's Creek oh I didn't even think of the ladder to the window uh yeah you know what I mean it's like the ivy climbing up it I'm I'm so sorry I didn't worst case you hear you hear sneaky dad somehow you've managed to throw him out the window that's funny yeah he can just pop out the window or go under the bed and then he's going to be trapped under the bed when your dad sits heavily on the side of your bed has a really deep important conversation with you about things that your boyfriend didn't need to

know but then maybe he drops a company secret and then the boyfriend's like oh shit isn't that the company that my dad has been trying to buy but now i have insider information and i think i can get to the series quite quickly along by revealing that tidbit. But, oh, no. Did he do insider trading now that he knew this? And what will, you know, my girlfriend think of this? Yeah. What if that ruins their sneaky, sneaky relationship?

Or if their dad's in jail, you can sneak into a room any time. Here's the thing. Your dad already knows you're doing this. He's two steps ahead of you. And he comes over. You sneak him in because the dad allowed it. And again, you hear him coming. He's under the bed.

And your dad sits down on the bed. He says, why are you up? You're like, oh, I couldn't sleep. And the boyfriend says, cause I'm aroused. And then your dad says, cause I'm aroused. Um, and then your dad says, is it the painful diarrhea again? If I was a dad.

Whether you have it or not, whether you have it or not, the damage is done. And he just tussles your hair and he says, good night. Yeah. If I was a dad, I would do that.

I go into your room. And if there's even the hint that someone could be hiding there, the hint of 17 year old boy, must be like, Oh, how is that? Which I have have sampled i have little like batman-esque like vials of various scents uh and one of them is teenage boy arousal i'm not proud of it but yeah i need to to tune these these senses these dad senses well the thing is this is my exact point well first i want to apologize for not thinking of the latter and not accounting for oiled stealth dad. I don't know why I'm not in my game today, clearly,

but you're talking about honing dad senses, right? Mm-hmm. You've got to unhone dad senses. Oh. So you get, say, a shake weight, and you stand on your bed with your shake weight, and you work out, and dad's in bed, and he hears... And he's like, what the fuck? And he storms in, and you're in your bed with your shake weight and you work out and dad's in bed and he hears and he's like what the fuck and he storms in and you're shake waiting and you're like dad

what the fuck and he's like sorry i and he goes away and he starts to doubt and then the next time you're like banging your bed against the wall a little bit and he's like he comes in and it's like you're got a rowing machine but your rowing machine is just just tipping off the back of your bed just a little too close to the bed. Just a little too close to the bed. And he's like, shit, I'm so sorry. I have to stop buying these fucking...

Yeah. Another time, you're like, ah, ah. And he runs in, you're just playing Wii Tennis, motherfucker. Like, ah.

He's like, sorry, that's what Serena does. Yeah. It's tennis noises are the most sexual of noises. You dull... Or maybe just play, like,

just be watching, like, Serena's greatest hits on youtube let me turn that up that'll sound like someone's fucking yeah um just like dull his dad senses to the point where you could be fucking on him and he wouldn't even know i think that i can't think of a better answer no um yeah i mean like you're also fucking 18 the the No, she's fucking 17. The time you're going to be in this house, I'm assuming, is probably running low. You're probably going to be moving out for college or getting your own place soon. So, like, worst case scenario, your parents get pissed at you if they catch you.

And again, if you've done what I said and you've limited the factors, they come down, there's a boy in the kitchen, and you're both kind of chilling. Like, they might know, but they don't know. so they could be like why is he here and you're like i don't know and they might be like me you know like it's all about damage reduction but also dame raises a really fine point always account for a sneaky oily there's sneaky oily dad sneaky oily dad but there's two dads in this equation oh fuck because he gots a dad too and what i'm saying is you make a skill testing quest you figure out which dad is sneakier and then you fuck in the house of the less sneaky dad but here's the thing here's the thing the the dad of the son of the dude he's gonna come down for high fives exactly he's probably

not gonna give a shit. He's probably going to be like, hell yeah, son. I mean, unfortunately, Did you account for sneaky angry mom? Yeah. Because angry mom's maybe going to throw down. Oh, angry mom's scarier than angry dad.

Sneaky dad's just going to be disappointed, which is its own kind of agony. But sneaky mom will attack everything. Yeah. She will barbarian style rage. There's going to be curlers flying. There's going to be... Here's the thing.

It's like I've said, you know, you won't be here long. If it's Angry Mom, you won't be there long because the house will be gone. Yeah. She will literally tear the house wood and nail individually one at a time until there's nothing left. So, yeah, just try to caution. Yeah. Sneaky caution. If they go to sleep, oil the hinges, figure out the squeaky floorboards, do your thing, make it quick.

And if you get caught, you know, be like be like I'm not gonna live under your roof anymore and then you know storm away and then the caveat is if you get rid of roof you can still live there wink yeah all right you think he did if a guy likes a girl this might deleted user if a guy likes a girl will he treat her like she's the only girl in the world even if they aren't in a relationship yet? Or is that just something in books and movies? So far in real life, I'd meet guys who say things like they want me,

but yet they're flirting with girls on Instagram or still swiping on Tinder. Is it realistic to look for a guy who sees me as the one, not one of many? Or do I have to accept guys have a wandering eye and this is normal slash expected? I mean, we've addressed this so many times and this this sort of expectation is i think the most dangerous or not the most dangerous obviously but like the the big problem with a lot of modern dating it's yeah you're literally holding people to the standards of uh you know audience tested uh you know porn essentially where like romantic comedies are just sort of like emotional romantic porn where it's like you've created this fantasy person usually a man um who is sort of like the embodiment of the perfect you know

romantic partner who just gets everything right and does everything correct until obviously the third act when they fuck up and they get to do the whole thing in the rain um but or the airport or the airport or the rainy airport um but like you you're literally like it would be no different than a guy being like is it unreasonable to expect uh her to just always want to gag on my cock and let me come all over her face the second i mean or is that or is that just the thing that happens in porn it's it's the exact same sort of thing i mean there's a little bit more problematic stuff yeah but with the porn thing but i know you're being generalistic but it's yeah that's the one that's the one i was looking for um it's also 100 accurate yeah

like you're you're like those people that you see on tv are carefully constructed uh based off of like market research of what would be the most appealing thing to their target demographic which is usually women but also like if you actually was a teenager if you actually think about this you wouldn't want it because in this situation it's a guy who likes you and the guy that you like but imagine if everybody acted this way and you want a date with someone you didn't like yeah but now you're there one you're the only girl for them and they don't have eyes for anybody else and they will do everything just with you in mind deleted everyone off tinder they deleted everyone off their Facebook they

deleted everyone off their Instagram and like've deleted everyone off their Instagram. And like, all of a sudden you have like 17 John Cusacks out there playing fucking Peter Gabriel outside your fucking yard. And it's all different songs. It's all different Peter Gabriel songs. You know, one of them is the one he wrote about fucking Charles Manson. Some are even the same song, but started at different times. Different times, yeah. Some people are on odd volumes.

Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. But the thing is, like, no one's thinking that way when they're like, oh, why don't the guys just treat me like I'm the only one? Like, you don't want that because then everyone will be like... That's where you get 100 John Cusacks. Yeah. If that's what you want. If you want 100 John Cusacks, then...

Fine, yeah, have it. Head over to the fucking subreddits where everyone's like, no one likes me and be like i like you and then you know get all moony eyed on them and then you will have stalkers because what you want is a stalker you do yeah and the thing is like that's also not healthy they don't know you so why would they be obsessed with you and if they were that shows that they're not adequately like capable to gauge the emotional responses and shit and let's be you want an attractive stock of course yeah you don't you don't want no uggo

thinking you're the only one in the world right like just get get your shit together seeing this stuff pisses me off so much and in the questions or in the fucking i don't even know what i'm saying anymore in the comments everyone's like if only or there's all these guys like that's how i'm like it's like you're all wrong i'm sorry like there's not like yeah if you're in a relationship and he's like lol just on tinder's like looking for an upgrade sure yeah if you're in a committed relationship and you know he's just swiping away on tinder if that's what you mean then yeah get get yourself a better person i will say you can be in a committed relationship and be on tinder that's

fine if that's the parameters of your relationship. Oh, of course, of course. I mean, just, you know, the standard, like, monogamous, you know. You've got to take a lot of things we say with a grain of salt, or the spirit in which it's intended, people. I'm sorry. We can't clarify everything we say. We can't disclaim everything. My God, just assume we've claimed or disclaimed all the proper things that make us not dicks.

But yeah, just just I'm sorry. That's unrealistic and shitty. And if it were to come to pass, like if you had some romantic comedy spinoff movie where you found a fucking witch's key and made a wish and this is what happened. I don't know. What? But if you made a wish in some movie, it would be a hilarious movie because you'd be like, oh, this is great. Look, every guy treats me like I'm the one.

Oh, wait. 100 John Cusacks. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And then what will happen is you'll fall in love with the guy who treats you like a normal human being. Exactly.

And then you're like, oh, shit, it's actually Paul Rudd. Amazing. I love Paul Rudd. I know. That's what I'm saying. Oh, shit. It's Paul Rudd. Well, I'm just saying it's likeul rudd well i'm just i'm

just saying it's like you know because he was the one who was like at the beginning of the movie if i like everyone's like oh this guy's a dick because he's not deleting tinder uh and he just met her and isn't absolutely head over heels for her but he's like oh wait actually no it's it's paul red's the normal yeah and at the end then when like they finally get together it's like oh it's not because this person just sees a woman who's like yep he actually likes her he actually got to know her and like made the choice as well because he had this freedom up till this point if he wanted to you know what i mean he wasn't just locked in a room with like you and it was just you and it was you forever and he chose you which means a lot more exactly and also i just want to throw it out there i would take 100 paul rudd's oh my god

if that was if that was the switch if it was like john cusack was like the right guy and it was paul rudd was the 100 paul rudd stalkers i would yeah i would take 100 paul rudd stalkers so fuck you if it's red for the goose it's red for the gander nope i think you thought that rhymed a little bit better than it did yeah that's that's. Go for the goose, go for the gander. Rudge for the goose, run for the gander. I heard you the first time, too. Did you get it? Can I explain it?

After having mycoplasma for five months from my awful ex, Pridopristinamacin has cured me, and I finally have no symptoms. Hell yeah. I feel empty, but less miserable. I'm recovering mentally and physically. So I found, took some digging, but I found the post where she declares herself free. So this is sort of like, you know, the episode where, or like in TV, I can't remember what the actual term of it is, but it's like something buck wild happens in the cold open.

And then like after the credits or whatever, it's like 24 hours exactly this is what we're doing here okay i had a dream last night is this the same post i was seeing someone who was a player who hugged me sometimes and when i hugged back he moved away i didn't really feel close to him but he was quite good looking he was blonde oh wait was he a dirty blonde but blonde by the dirty pool I know they were the thick ones they were thick women hey he could be sick in the dream he finally told me he kissed someone else the person is more attractive and likes him and he likes her too so he's gonna go for her I felt a bit relieved I won't see his face anymore but a jerk move I feel the same

way about my ex yeah no shit a lot more distance I know won't see his face anymore, but a jerk move. I feel the same way about my ex. He had no shit. A lot more distance. I know he won't get cheated on or reinfected again because he's no longer here. It's good he's gone. And I keep choosing these people that may look good, but are scums. My previous ex looks like a shit now. A shitty personality and a shitty face.

I like being alone right now. And when people talk to me off the bat, whoa, that's a weird place to put a period. And when people talk to me off the bat, I know they are a loser. It breaks my heart that she has been cured of her horrible disease. But she feels empty. It's like it was her only friend.

Also, can I just say that, like, apparently she's had mycoplasma for five months. But I feel like we've been doing better, bitch, for a lot longer than five months. Probably over a year. Yeah. The timeline of this fucking saga saga this just makes absolutely no

god damn sense to me oh 100 that's the only way i did also find out that in one of her other posts it wasn't good enough to read but like uh she listed sort of like physical traits for some reason i don't know why um but she is she is just fourarms self-described as super fat and balding so her current plan is she's right now what she's doing is

taking Rogaine and working it hell yeah you know what like it sounds like she's getting her shit together I'm trying to paint a picture here of I because every time I read it I'm like

I know what kind of person you are and then I'll read another post and I'm just, I know what kind of person you are. And then I'll read another post and I'm just like, I don't have a handle on this situation at all. I want to know if her ex actually looks like poop now. Maybe that's a mycoplasma-like side effect where you just turn poop colored and start to... Maybe you just become like a... The emoji? That's how I was born? Maybe. I just like every one of these posts is a wild ride. But it become like a... The emoji. That's how I was born. Maybe.

I just like every one of these posts is a wild ride. But like, it seems like things are going well. And I'm so happy about that. I don't appreciate the fact that she thinks everyone who talks to her is a loser by very dint of talking to her. Yeah. So you got...

Don't put yourself down. You beat mycoplasma. How many people can say that? You beat it. I mean, I don't think many people can say because they're usually animals you did it you did it you did do it that's i just wanted to give you close because i know you're upset that we didn't find the post where she i i will never be upset about getting more of these because it is always a wild ride i all i feel like in the

season finale all the dreams are gonna tie up and we're like she was the thick blonde all along yeah maybe she was maybe she we're the dirty pool yeah uh you have a present for us right i do okay i think it's gonna be at the end well we should probably yeah no but like the end and say the say the goodbyes goodbye okay message us send questions listen get more people listen bye well in that case uh thank you very much for listening um we we we still have some some new people that we've we've converted over so if you're if you're listening from the most recent episode uh welcome uh and if you are just listening just randomly somehow, also welcome. Yeah, hi.

And if you've been with us from the beginning. You da best. What up? How you doing? Da best. Just do a hair toss and shake your nails. Maybe how you doing? If you have a question for us and you would like us to impart our sage, brilliant wisdom upon you and solve your problem.

Because I'm telling you right now, we will solve your problem. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can also hit us up on Twitter. We're trying to be a little more active on Twitter, so hit us up. We're trying to learn how to use it, so if you're still on Twitter, maybe tweet us. We'll retweet you and follow you and do all this stuff um you can find us at fck underscore buddies

um also you can find us online at fbuddiespodcast.com there's a little contact form you can fill it all out choose your own name and uh and we'll we'll answer your question as soon as we can thank you to josh eagle and the harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. It's a good song. It is a good song. I like it. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? I do. Oh, no.

I just did it publications. Oh, yeah. How horrendous is that? So we have a gift from one of our listeners. So Agent Valkyrie sent this in. It is Steffi's Lusty Lovers by Hank Miller. Man, look at that outfit and face. That's a face that's given up.

Yeah. We'll post a picture of this on our Instagram and Twitter and all the social media. So follow us if you want to see this. If you want to see Steffi's Lusty Lovers. If you want to see Steffi. I'm assuming that's Steffi. This is apparently from a... I'm just going to get comfortable. It's from an antique shop in Montreal.

Yeah, no shit. And it's harrowing. I don't actually think I can tell you the plot of this book because I think we'd be taken off iTunes. But I'm going to tell Dane and Dane can cut as he wants. Okay.

It starts with her on the eve of her wedding. I was going to say, yeah. Yeah. She never had sex before. She waited until marriage. But her husband is very hairy, like an ape,

and very big. And she sustains permanent injuries and has a limp for life. And then very quickly, it shoots to two years later, where she is now divorced due to the constant trauma and pain and is finding herself. And she finds herself in the arms of barely legal men.

Oh, man, there's so much. I don't even know where to start. Okay. Her tits were pressed against his thigh, and it felt like her hard nipples were going to bore holes through his quaking flesh. Wow. Ooh, hey, I'm, I'm going, I'm going to, I'm going to shoes off, the trembling young man gasped. That was precisely what Stephanie wanted. The sex-starved divorcee wanted to feel his young penis expand in her mouth and spurt his passion juices down her throat. She couldn't

remember when she had been this excited. Pressing her lips firmly against the throbbing flesh of his shaft, she moved her head up and down in his lap. She brought her hand up between the young man's legs and cupped his throbbing balls in the palm of her hand to begin caressing them while she sucked his stick. She could feel the juices swirling around in his testicles like hot lava. No! No, that's not how it works!

That's not where it's stored! She kneaded and pumped. Do they think that semen is just chilling in the testicles? And it's warm like lava! That's real fucking warm, man! Boy, Randolph exclaimed with all the intense drama of youth, that was super. Golly, Miss Steph!

You really did a number on my thighs with your drill nipples. Well, this has upset me fundamentally. Do you want to further do some mental damage to me and anguish with some Dan? Sure. This is just... I literally can't... Maybe we can tell the start of the novel. We cannot say the end. The end is... You're so fucked start of the novel. We cannot say the end.

The end is just so fucked. No, we're going to say the end. Oh, I don't think we actually can. Okay. Like literally. I just love the idea of you sitting out the subway reading that book.

I almost did. Cause I needed to figure out a, a page. And I was like, I can't do it. I can't pull that out. Cause it's too hot. Whatever,

man. If people fucking read 50 shades of gray, you could read Steffi's lusty Lovers on the streetcar. To be fair, it's probably better written. She's just limping from young man to young man. Maybe that's what she's doing. Maybe she's just doing permanent, like, leg damage in spite. Like, hey, if I'm going to limp, you're all going to limp with my nipple injuries.

Wait, wait, wait. Dan says, my ex won't discuss the relationship with me. I'm sad to leave her alone. I'm sure that happens a lot. Yep. And just, this is the after podcast,

Mint. I've trolled through Pornhub finding the choicest comments for you just to give you something a little more uplifting than the garbage that is Dan. And this comes from Pornhub user Matt Falkowski.

And he says, Does anyone else think he looks like Mr. Clean? After I finished masturbating, I cleaned my kitchen. Hashtag thanks Obama. What? My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Bain. And we are your fuck buddies.