F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 60 - Snapchat Sleeper Cell

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Despite many cat related technical difficulties, we managed to record this episode for your listening pleasure.  We only had to start and stop recording like three times, but we did it.  Also, if anyone wants a cat, let me know.  Topics include wedding night semen request, top secret Snapchat activation streaks, public sex rejection, the mysterious case of the text that was never sent, how Dain ruined a marriage and sexless seduction.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dean Miller And I'm Al Spain And we are the Fuck Buddies What a demure little clink we did there I know, I was just thinking, I was like, we've grown Hello friends, my name is Dean Miller. And I'm Niles Bain, and we are the Fuck Buddies.

What a demure little clink we did there. I know, I was just thinking, I was like, we've grown so much. We have. Since we started before when we were like, that was our big fucking joke, our big guffaw. Look at us, cheers our glasses. Real funny boys. And now we're like, no, this is business time. Clink, clink. Also, like, we don't need our glasses to speak for us.

We can speak for our fucking selves. Exactly. And hey here while we're talking about being professional when we introduce the podcast maybe i should actually introduce the podcast for the first time in like a month uh we're dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky sexy situations and then turn them into sexy sticky situations did i say that right i didn't even listen i was drunk i'm gonna do it again just because i did i say leave it okay wallow in your mess like when you lied to me last oh yeah like when i told you that i did in fact say 18 years old yeah when you said 48 you fucking 48 brought me on a wild ride i'm sorry i had to rewind the podcast when i listened again to listen again even i got messages off listeners about it i know they're like he did he did lie to you now i did yeah i know look guys i edited i

hear it i'm the first person to hear guys, I edited it. I hear it. I'm the first person to hear it. I was the first person to hear it. Well, I mean, I'm the first person to listen back to it. You lied to confirm. But yeah, thank you. Thank you for your support during that hard time because I was betrayed by someone I love. I didn't think I said it.

So that's actually our first question. I was betrayed by someone I love in a closet while we were recording a podcast. He made me think that a 40-year-old woman not only lived alone, lived with her parents still, but also went to fuck a 17-year-old boy. I think I was looking at the F for the female

and the F influenced the 48? I don't know. I don't know what happened. It happened and I'm sorry i apologize that's okay i love you still um do you have a question for us uh you go first okay this is by uh reddit user jack love 11 i'm getting married and she wants come uh everyone me and my fiance always pulled out she's on birth control but we were getting married in one month she told me she I love how suspicious this guy is but hey maybe you're right is she still in birth control maybe she wants that marriage baby

well i mean i i think that's 100% what she's she's hinting towards no well no not necessarily it could be that she like some people have fetishes involving cum yeah or fantasies or even just like the dirtiness of it or or, like, the intimacy of it. Could be that's what she wants. Or, conversely, it could be that she has heard that men like to finish inside people, and she wants to give him that gift. Like, maybe she's like, oh, no, I don't know if he'll bring it up. Well, I also don't think, I don't think necessarily, I don't think there's inherently inherently like a manipulation thing here. I also wouldn't not believe that this was her opening the door for trying for a baby. I mean, they're getting married.

Like, you know what I mean? This might be her being like, you know, let's give it a go. I'm not insinuating that she might be like, you uh maliciously you know off her birth control and this is sort of like her big you know gambit to be like it's a miracle we got pregnant on our wedding night and it's beautiful it's your miracle baby um but i think if if there's any hesitation in you one you're not obligated to do this at all no um you have no obligation to satisfy this even if it is a kink even if it's something that she really wants it doesn't matter if you're not comfortable with it also if you're not

comfortable with the risk of even if she's on birth control if you're not comfortable with the the possibility of having a child with her do not do this yeah although again if if the only like precaution you're taking other than birth control is pulling out it's not exactly as if that's risk-free either so yeah i think there's a there's a much greater chance when you're yeah i know i'm just pointing i'm pointing out that like it's you know if you're suddenly like freaking out like oh i might like there's really not too much because if you took the birth control of the equation we'd be telling you to do neither right you know um but i think the most important thing would be to talk to her and maybe you know like communication your your reservations for the idea

yeah and i think you might being like hey look uh i don't have a problem with it but i'm also very concerned about it leading to a pregnancy yeah Yeah. And then if she says, well, that's kind of what I want, then there's a conversation you probably should have had before you got engaged. Yeah. But also if she's just like, oh, cool, I thought it was just something you might really be into. Or, oh, cool, it's something that I'm kind of into that idea. If it's something she wants to do, then that could be great for you

because you can add this little extra spice. Again, if you're comfortable with it. What Dane says stands for the entire thing like don't do it unless you're comfortable right um if she isn't necessarily into it but she's kind of doing it because she thinks you want it but you don't really care then that could also be something cool to get out of the way because if she doesn't really want to do it then yeah then you're saving both of you the hassle right have a talk to her like you're gonna have a better idea than we do us being the general public and or two podcast boys and she's gonna have a better idea than you her being the person suggesting it so talk to her also this is a great time to sort of uh you know you're entering

into a committed life together hopefully yeah maybe talk about babies guys do you want even that maybe just figure out like if your first recourse of or like your first course of action is to turn to the internet full of strangers before addressing the woman you're going to marry and also like kind of a suspicious tone as well yeah so like i think i think you need to sort of realize that this is going to happen a lot. And not this specifically, but like... You don't know. Maybe. Situations where you might not know exactly what to do.

Or what she means 100% or why she's asking a thing. That's why you talk to her. Like the only way that your marriage is going to last and be happy and successful is if every time these things come up, you have a very earnest and honest conversation about what's bothering you. Yeah. And if you don't, then you're in big trouble. Yeah, because one, if you're waiting on the internet to get back to you, it could be a day or two at that point. She's like, why hasn't he talked to me? Like, what's going on?

Yeah. But secondly, have you read some of the fucking advice on Reddit? It's horrendous. Yep. You don't want to be taking people's word too often. Ours, of course, is amazing. Yeah. I mean, we, yes.

Even though we are not perfect, as we say a lot. So we are also incredible and perfect, but we're not. But like in comparison to the general internet public. I would hope so. We are pristine. Yeah, we are pristine. We're shiny. Yeah.

But no, get that conversation going. Yeah. And hey, if you want to do it, do it. It're shiny. But no, get that conversation going. Yeah. And hey, if you want to do it, do it. It's fun. I've never done it. It's just like, I just feel like that's tempting fate too much. I feel like that's just throwing it in fate's face. I feel like fate's face is inside the vagina.

Yeah, but fate's into it. That's the thing. You've been pissing fate off. I don't think so. And you're going to have one of those like sneeze in a hot tub makes you come and then you no one's even in the hot tub so you don't even think you need to clean it but then someone else gets in the hot tub and it's been that perfect temperature the semen's still alive the perfect semen yeah now you got some boy's butt pregnant and now it's just then you got fucking junior two exactly arnold schwarzenegger's having a dane come

out his butt he's gonna die from rug burn because you know that baby's coming out fully bearded. Oh, man. I need fan art of this, guys. I need fan art immediately. We do not need this. I need a picture of me being birthed out of Arnold Schwarzenegger's ass. All right, hit me with a question. This is U5.

Our name checks, 02. My girlfriend, 19, cares a lot about her Snapstreaks on Snapchat. Daisy would consecutively send a Snap to someone. Would it be petty of me to book a weekend away deliberately where there's no Wi-Fi slash reception? So my girlfriend is very attached to her phone, which for the most part I'm fine with. I get ignored a lot of the time and she'll have to repeat things two or three times because she's and will have to repeat things two or three times because she's so engaged with her phone there are nights where you're laying in bed together cuddling and she will get up go over to her phone and send a blank screen to the people she has an ongoing streak with just for the keep of seeking up just jesus i'm doing a dane i know just for

the sake of keeping that streak going some of these streaks are 700 plus days much longer than she has ever known me for. There has only been one time when we have been somewhere together, there's no reception, it was so nice to have her undivided attention for once. I'll come back to that. That is the reason why I would go for a getaway, which has no signal, so it can be just me and her, no distractions, but with that will come the inevitability of her losing all her streaks on Snapchat, and I think it would really bother her. I don't know what to do. If I tell her in advance, there will be no signal.

I feel she may turn it down and not want to go. Man, I feel this. Red Dead Redemption Online has like streaks going and it takes a while to build up. It's true. And let me tell you, it's one of those things where you're just like, fuck, there goes my, you know, five time multiplier, my gold bars. That's the thing. I kind of get it. multiplier on my gold bars. That's the thing. I kind of get it. It's like, you know.

But here's the thing. You don't get shit for snap streaks. It's not like you get bonus snap points. You get warm, fuzzy feelings. And you get to rub it in people's faces. Not a gold bar, though. Just saying. Thing is, though.

Can't use it to upgrade my horse, can I? He said they went away somewhere that had no data. But the snap streaks have been going on longer than she's known him. Yeah? That doesn't check out. Why? They were away. There was no data.

Yeah, maybe she did in the morning and did it later on the next day. But maybe not. Maybe she has secret data. Maybe she's an alien. Maybe it's fake. Has she been that fucking snap faker this whole time? It's like doping in the Olympics. It's fucked.

Wait a minute. Yeah. That's the thing. She never missed a day. How'd she not miss a day if they were somewhere with no data once? And it was nice. Right. If the streak was longer than he knew her, then at some point in time, yeah.

Right? She must have snuck out in the middle of the night, found somewhere with Wi-Fi, and then, see, now that's a problem. Now it's an addiction. But to answer this question, if you're specifically doing a trip just to ruin your girlfriend's snap streak, that's fucking wild, my dude. And that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. What are you doing? If it's a problem, talk to to her about it there's no need to be this weirdly petty yeah if anything what you should do is hide her phone so much cheaper it's so much cheaper i think it's wild to me like that's such a petty weird thing to do when guess what you could communicate something to her like if she only has to send one blank text a day, that's not going to fuck your day up.

So the snap streaks aren't a problem. Well, I think the problem inherently is the fact that she ignores him. Like, the snap streak seems to take precedent over, like, physical intimacy. Well, the thing is, he was saying, like, saying like one time gets up does the thing comes back to bed like sure that might be weird but i wouldn't count that as like an annoyance or like an ignoring thing but it also seems to be a separate issue that she's on her phone too often yes unless she has like 90 snap streaks that she has to like because 90 times of doing that sure in one day that's a lot it's just like once a day she goes boop boop boop sends off her streaks that's not

the problem. So you breaking these isn't going to be an issue. You talking to her about her fucking phone usage. Sure. That's the problem. I get it. It sucks when you're like with someone and they're just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm miming what I do when Dane's talking when I'm trying to find a good question next.

But that's just because I love you guys. It's, yeah, I think the issue, like, again, I again i don't you're right the snapstreaks don't mean anything it's not a thing at all i think it is i think this guy's you know hoping that if he breaks a streak it'll sort of be like that's that's what's got their like enchanted claws wrapped around her where it's like if he can break the streak he can break the spell and all of a sudden she's not going to be furiously on instagram or twitter or you know tiktok also it does kind of work for apex though when i went on a trip i came back and like i hadn't got my dailies for like seven days i'm like oh i don't care yeah but then once you start again you're like shit gotta get them dailies yeah he's trying to cure a symptom not the cause not the disease not the disease the disease is

phones the disease is the 21st century yeah goddamn millennials that's what the disease is um yeah no it's just talk to her just fucking like that's not gonna fix things but it is a hilarious idea and i think that i want you to do this and not listen to our advice i just want to follow your life of ever escalating petty things because that is a wild amount of effort to put into something so petty i want to be there when you tell her that there is no wi-fi so that she can freak out about the snap streaks or not because it's it's not going to be in the middle she's not going to be like oh the snap streaks it's either gonna be be in the middle. She's not going to be like, oh, the snap streaks. It's either going to be like, what the fuck? Or I literally don't care. Yeah.

And either one I want to be there to see. I wish he broke down how it was the first time. Maybe he was like, oh, she had a meltdown the whole time. Well, maybe that's why it was only one night. But here's the thing. He didn't say that. He said it was nice to have her undivided attention. Yeah, she didn't seem to care.

Obviously, if the streaks were that important to her, he wouldn't have her undivided attention because she'd be you know she knew she could go drive to dunkin donuts 17 miles away get that sweet sweet wi-fi and fucking throw a snap an empty screen to your girl yeah maybe maybe maybe the who the snap streaks are with is the problem you know maybe there's like a hunky dude who's like if it's been 700 days and you're still together i think you're good bud and you're not gonna you're not gonna get any further by what if he's seen the snaps that he's sending her but it's all shirtless pictures

picture this they go on this trip he doesn't tell her she loses the snap streak to get back and like that was their way of sating their sexual tension it's like oh yeah we got that streak oh my god that streak's getting higher you're getting those little like those little flame things no but without that they're not gonna have it right because you have to go a few days before it even pops up on your snapchat i think i haven't used it in a long time but i'm like shit now we've we've not fucking, and the only way to do that is snap streaking. Now we're going to have to actually fuck to get rid of this sexual tension. Then you shouldn't be with these people in the first place.

This isn't... But no, they're coping. That's like saying you're in Alcoholics Anonymous and you're not drinking, but then you lock someone in a bar, and they're like, well, this is a law of temptation. You're getting rid of their snap streak. That's their coping mechanism. So, no, that's not how this works at all. You don't know. That's like me saying, like, oh, I got a real hard-on for one of the girls at work,

and the only way for me to not fuck her is just, like... Snapstreak. Yeah. That's what they're for. What if... We don't know what the snaps are. They're blank screens. No, that was a one-time thing.

Wait, what if the blank screens are, like codes and they're like a splinter cell? Oh my God. What if they're like a fucking sleeper cell? And if she doesn't snap streak them, it's like speed. If she doesn't, if she drops below a certain streak, boom, they activate, they assassinate the fucking state senator. She's pretty much, it's like the fucking button from Lost. Yeah, exactly. There's a polar bear

and some smoke. If she stops pressing that button, the world ends. She flies away again. You need to watch Lost. Yeah, dude. What if this kills everyone? Maybe she's the only one stopping Trump from hitting the nuclear button. She's saving us all.

My god, man. Don't take her away from this. Don't do it. But like, just really don't. That's a very petty, weird thing to do. Communicate. This is a post by Reddit user CuriousButNeedsHelp. Boyfriend's new kink makes me feel unloved. Okay, so my boyfriend, 24-year-old male, and I, 22-year-old female, have been together for five years.

And lately, we've been trying to explore sexually, and I recently noticed that he was talking about doing things in public places. Although I said I was okay with it being kind of risky, but I'd never want to do it in a place I knew we had a chance of being caught. He keeps saying, what if someone saw? Or, that'd be so risky. No way no one would see. And get more turned on. no way no one would see and get more turned on no way no one would see so someone would see yes so someone would see yes he'd be like oh that's so risky there's no way someone wouldn't see and he would get more turned on i had to explicitly tell him i didn't want anyone to see me naked and i don't like it when there's actually a chance of being seen and he said oh yeah i was just trying to find out your limits uh i don't like it when there's actually a chance of being seen. And he said, oh yeah, I was just trying to find out your limits. Uh, I don't want that either.

You're all mine. I don't believe him because he seemed like he would be very into it. If someone saw me, I feel like he doesn't mind other people seeing me naked and it upsets me. I don't know if it's making any sense, but I feel like he doesn't love me. That's a wild twist. Yeah. yeah um that's kind of why i brought it yeah like i i don't think someone being like i don't mind someone seeing you naked means that they don't love you but also i don't think he's saying he doesn't mind if someone sees you naked

for him clearly the thrill is like the risk yeah and like also voyeurism is yeah it's a pretty common kink so like even if he was sort of like you know dipping his toes testing the water and being like trying to see if you're into it yeah and then you were like you know absolutely not i'm not into like if someone can see me naked i don't want to do it and he's like oh okay well like you know just want to see and he like clearly said that he's just trying to test your limits and it's like that's fine that's kind of how like kinks work and also how like conversations go like he kind of proffered an idea you said no and he said okay cool yeah okay i was just trying to see how far we can go yeah like maybe he's down which again doesn't mean he doesn't love you at all the fact that he was hey communication

we've talked about it once or twice on this podcast he did it and then seems like he responded well to what you said yeah it would be different if the you know what you were saying was i said no and now every time we're out he follows me into the bathroom and tries to fuck me in like the bathroom of the bars we go to or like you know he'll pull me down alleys and try to finger me while we're out in public even though i don't want to like or if that was the situation yes i would understand your leap to i don't think he loves me or i don't think he respects me yeah you know what i mean like i he's treating me more like an object of you know his way of satisfying a kink yeah or even like the

opposite if he was like no one can see you naked you're mine i own you like that would be a problem too because that kind of seems to be what you want which i would like if the question was the other way around i'd be like no this is wrong like someone's seeing you naked depending on how it goes down obviously yeah doesn't mean that you know like if someone saw you naked and he was freaking out because you were his that would be an issue yeah like just because he doesn't mind if someone sees you naked doesn't mean like you know what i'm saying yeah no it's like that that kind of thing especially the statement of like being like i don't think he loves me because of what i think he thinks yeah i mean

but it's also that's that's not sort of like the metric in which you you should be judging how someone makes you feel it should be by by their actions. Yes. And he's... The actions here are him communicating and him accepting your wishes. Yeah. And then, you know, and it's like, again,

yes, he might have... Maybe he was really hoping he'd be like, fuck yes, you know, next time we're in the movie theater, I'm going to give you a little handjob. Next time we're somewhere,

you can finger me in the bathroom or whatever, you know what I mean? And like risky public sex, that's fine. That's super cool. But if you're not into it and he's willing to respect that hell yeah yeah if it's all good that is indication that he does love you yes because he's respecting your wishes he it doesn't sound like he's pushing it no he might just be you know

constantly being like i mean there might be a fine line it depends again if he's every time you're out he's like hey you know maybe we should go to the bathroom. Like it couldn't be. And that's more of like a pestering. Like if you've answered him and he still keeps pestering you. Yeah. Obviously that becomes its own issue. But that might just that like that's a thing that you're not talking about. Yeah.

What you're talking about is feeling not loved because he insinuated that he wouldn't be upset if somebody saw you naked, which is fucking wild. Also, I don't I feel like you're young, right? They were young. I'm young enough yeah what's up uh yeah she's 22 when you're having sex in public it's rare that you're naked yeah like you're not stripping all the way down when you're having public let's go back to sneaky dad advice same same holds here you want to be able to stuff the way at a moment's notice. Yeah. It's a kind of a dress slash skirt with no underwear or underwear that can be easily pulled to a side kind of deal.

Yeah. It's not like a get naked, lie down and missionary in full view of like 18 apartment complexes. Unless you're at like a sex club where, you know, that's at which point then it would be almost weirder if people couldn't see. Yeah. Um,

that could be a fun game, like anti like public, where you go somewhere where you're meant to have sex, and you try to be real sneaky so no one sees you. But here's the thing. Most sex clubs have private rooms. Well, that room's my fun. If you want to reach a compromise, there's no harm in that there's no harm in going to like going to a sex club and maybe like you'll be able to say his desires of voyeurism because he'll be able to watch other people or at least like see it happening in the peripheral um and then you guys can go to a private room and and you're still doing it in a place where like yes you're supposed to but like you're not supposed

you know i mean like you're still out and about and like edgy you know in a business and uh you know i mean it's like yeah it's it's a change of pace that i think uh would be very easy for you to uh you know get on board with yeah and it's and it might be enough to sort of you know scratch that little voyeurism itch see the thing is i think she's feeling something bad about like this suggestion is bringing up bad thoughts in her head so whether it's self-consciousness or like embarrassment or shame or something she's feeling those at the thought of doing this and then she's kind of redirecting those bad feelings towards him instead of yeah dealing with what she thinks and why she thinks that you know because like i i don't get it like some people aren't comfortable with that stuff but like you're allowed be not comfortable with that but it doesn't mean someone doesn't love you yeah like comfortable with that stuff, but like you're allowed to be not comfortable with that,

but it doesn't mean someone doesn't love you. Yeah. Like I feel that's a classic, like you're feeling something bad. And instead of like thinking about and rationalizing it and doing all this stuff, you're like, this guy doesn't love me.

Yeah. It's, it's, it's like, again, does it say how long they've been dating for? Uh, five years.

Yeah. Definitely doesn't love you. Yeah. Like I, I think like if this was a deal breaker and and you're saying that you wanted to explore things like the whole this seems like the whole situation came about as like they say uh they're recently trying to explore uh you know sexually so it's like it didn't even come out of nowhere yeah you open the door even if i had that

would have been fine because it's been done respectfully. Yeah, and like after five years, I get it. You want to find maybe a new angle, something new to freshen things up, great. There's no harm

in sort of like, especially, again, what he's done here seems like the right way to do it. We've talked about addressing kinks a ton of time and this is pretty much

how it's done. Like you kind of lay your hand on the table and be like, this is what I'm into. Would you be this would you be into that how about this and then you take their answer yeah and you test the waters and like if they're like yeah maybe it's like okay well what about this because like again the way he could have brought this up could have been following you into the bathroom the last time you were at the bar you know and

like just not taking no for an answer or he could have like well you guys are out at dinner with your family he's like fingering you exactly like there's there's a number of things that he could have done instead of raising it up appropriately and the thing is i thought maybe an issue in this might be like if it was a new or relationship she might be like this is what he's into and blah blah but like it's been five years i think you have a fairly good idea of how things are yeah like okay this is this question is wild i'm sorry you are just so wrong yeah i i don't take people's actions as a way to to judge like a metric on how to judge how they feel about you and if and if what they're doing is done with respect and kindness and honesty it's not that's that's the best sign you could ever get from someone that they care about you.

Yeah. That's insane. In a good way. That's not a good way. I just don't want to say insane because we're not allowed to do that. Cut all that. You ready for this? Yep.

This is by Don't Touch My Plum Bob. Yeah, don't do it. I'm doing it, Dane. What is wrong with me? I don't know it. I'm doing it. Dane, what is wrong with me? I don't know. 92, no, 29-year-old female received a text from my boyfriend, 29-year-old male. He claims he didn't send. The past two, three months, my boyfriend of three years, we'll call him R, has been noticeably passive-aggressive, often in a crappy mood and very quiet, yet claims nothing is wrong when I ask.

I'm sure you've all been there when you ask someone multiple times if something is wrong and they say no even though body language and tone clearly indicate otherwise. We rarely ever fight. We've had one major fight in our relationship otherwise everything has been good. In the past few months we did get a new puppy. He is very unhappy at work and his father is diagnosed with cancer. So I've tried to be very forgiving and understanding that he might just be going through a lot right now. He is not one to openly speak a lot about his emotions so I've also tried not to pry too much and let him just know I'm here for him. Two nights ago, at a breaking point, because he yelled at our puppy for something stupid, I decided enough is enough and I told him we need to talk.

I asked him straight up what his problem is. I told him lately, I feel like me and our dog are just an annoyance and he's always moody and snappy. Told me he's frustrated with our dog and our dog is more work than expected and it's honestly not poorly behaved, doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body, and we take him to obedience classes. So he's just a normal puppy, and he should have known that it would be work when we got him. But I get it, he can be a handful at times. While I feel his feelings are valid, something in my gut tells him there's more to this. Anyway, now the text.

He fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV. So this morning, around 4.30am, I received a text from him saying, And that drink looks so good. Obviously not meant for me. I confronted him this morning and asked him who he was texting and having a conversation with at 4.30am, I received a text from him saying, and that drink looks so good. Obviously not meant for me. I confronted him this morning and asked him who he was texting and having a conversation with at 4.30. I mean, it's an innocent enough text, but I found it very bizarre and obviously someone sent you a photo. He claimed he didn't send it. He opened his phone, showed our text conversation, and it wasn't there. I mean, I want to believe him, but I'm a logical person.

I gather if you sent a text to your girlfriend by accident, you meant to send it somewhere else, and you had something to hide, you would obviously delete it. He acted confused, started googling the possibility of receiving texts without sending them, etc. He told me I need to trust him. I'll explain why I have issues about this. A year and a half ago, I discovered he'd been using Omegle on his laptop rather than regular porn, spelt wrong. For people who don't know, it's a video chat where you connect them around the person often used for You can imagine the time i found out i was furious blah blah i want to believe this text was meant for me and somehow just showed up now or maybe his phone spoofed

am i in denial am i overreacting so it's funny you mentioned this because uh, a week ago, there was this huge flood of a bunch of random people getting random texts from people, like, from years ago. Or, like, you know, I don't remember the time frame. But this is literally exactly what happened. I was hoping you didn't know that. Because we would, in any other situation, I would look at this question and be like, yeah, that's fucking insane. Like, he obviously was just, like, texting someone like texting someone and like you know being a little creepy and everybody in the comments was for a little bit but then someone was like wait this happened to me and someone else like this happened to me and it went from there and then like i looked it up and there was like a

whole cell phone thing yeah there's this thing all over north america america and canada oh see i thought it was only canadian no it was both um and apparently a lot of the texts were from February 14th that got resent so a lot of them had like romantic overtones or whatever and people were freaking out and then their partners were saying so I thought we'd go through this like it was a normal question and then I could drop the reveal that but you're already you're too well informed. I'm on it. I'm on that game. So I'm just going to say, if you have a dodgy boyfriend, you've got to trust him. Just in general now.

Even your telecom companies are trying to get your boyfriend to give him excuses. Now you never know. The thing that sucks is you know I don't have law of averages. You know someone fucked up that night and is actually a piece of shit and was like, baby, baby, baby, look, please, baby, look.

They were like, thank God. Yeah. Also, you know there was a totally innocent marriage ended that night. Oh, 100%. Because she got a message of four in the morning being like, I fucking love you so much, baby. I can't wait to take you upstairs or something. And she was like, who the fuck? Yeah. did i ever tell you about how i ruined my friend's uh parents marriage i don't know i mean like 100 i didn't do anything i mean like it like i was

just sort of a you know i was the the breeze that knocked the jenga tower over. Um, so we were, we were filming a thing, um, up by their house and I had left my coat there. Uh, cause it was like, it was chilly in the morning. And then as it got throughout the day, it got really warm. So I put my coat in the house, uh, and then we, we headed back to Toronto and I forgot the coat there. Oh, and he thought it was some other guy. Um, no, it was, so it was like, um, it was a it was some other guy. No, it was. So it was like. It was a lady's coat. It was a it was like a military surplus.

Yeah. Like a green like military jacket. And she was like that was kind of her aesthetic. She was much younger than him as well. So she had like a very, very similar like military surplus coat. But my coat had multiple condoms in it um and he had had a vasectomy oh no so why would she need condoms so it ended up being this huge fight and like she was obviously saying it's not my coat those aren't my condoms and it just sort

of like spiraled into whatever the hell else was happening in that relationship and they uh as a result ended up getting a divorce see that's really shitty because it's one of those things where like it seems like she's just saying that because you've been caught and there's nothing else to say and you're like this is all. Like, I didn't send that text. Do you think you'd be able to just, like, pull out both coats? Probably, yeah. Or just be like. But, I mean, I guess it's like if you can't find.

Like, with my luck, if that was my situation, I would have, like, accidentally left my condoms in her coat. No, you know what I mean? It's like I would have lost the coat a week earlier. I would, like, if it was me in an argument and someone was saying i'd be like cool like has anyone been over in the house and then my son would be like yeah my friend is this his coat yep he'd be like okay cool love you well i mean well that's kind of what happened when we got back uh because it was like it was pretty much the beginning of summer yeah so like i didn't need a coat anymore and then one day i was uh i was looking for it for another film shoot and i was like fuck i was like i think i left my coat at your parents place and he was like cool thanks

for like ensuring my entire family and they were like oh did they get back together nope well you know what i'm i'm hoping there were other issues because i would say that yeah there were other issues like if that's i don't know like fights can spiral like if you are that's what i mean if you're a hundred percent innocent and someone's accusing you of something that's the worst feeling yeah and you're gonna get pretty fucking angry but if you see what looks like a cut and dry case you're gonna also feel pretty fucking angry so i'm sure things were done and said that even if the relationship was good at that point like things can escalate escalate because both people a hundred percent believe they're

in the right because I guess kind of, they are to a degree. I don't understand why no one was like, is this not someone's thing? Also, was there just condoms in there? I mean, like a lot of condoms in there. Like, no, no, I, there was probably like maybe two or like anything that might be like oh it's a dane like i don't know you're weird as headshots or like i just imagine you carried them around in all your pockets no no they're the best big enough we need to put them up but yeah that's that's how i ruined a marriage uh this comes reddit user good christian boy 69

seducing my girlfriend without fucking her hey Hey Reddit, tonight I want to seduce my girlfriend without my penis being inside of her. I hope some of you might have any tips because I'm inexperienced. I licked her a few times and finger her often. But tonight I really want to indulge her. Maybe you have some ideas what I can do or some techniques. Everything is appreciated. I'm willing to try everything so she has a great time. Thank you for helping. Everything is appreciated. I'm willing to try everything, so she has a great time. Thank you for helping.

I love this. Although, when he says, I licked her a few times, I just imagine he literally just went to her cheek and was like... It started as me being like, this is going to be funny. And then I was like, oh, okay, no.

So, like, I'm... I don't have an age for anyone here. But I'm going to assume that it's younger and they probably don't want to have sex yet or it's just like a fun like maybe he just wants to because i'm hopefully we've all done this i don't know listeners have you there's like he just wants to like a night about them or like he just wants to really like make it their thing like maybe my my my context clues are good christian boy i'm thinking i'm thinking that okay yeah i'm thinking it might be a he doesn't want to have sex yeah but he still wants to just like rock

and rock that world well that's the thing so i think that's a great yeah that's a great idea you need to play a game and that game is anytime she tries to touch your dick you say no and then you take it slow like unbearably slow like you start with kissing for a for a long time maybe you strip her off entirely naked but you still got your clothes on maybe you kiss from her neck down and you like focus on her neck focus on her tits focus on you don't get to the clit or the vagina at all for a long time go near play with those legs play anywhere else and then like just take everything slow so that they are like achingly horny by the time you get anywhere.

And then like first time finger her till she comes or like rub her clit. Second time, go with your tongue. And like, depending on how sensitive she is, you can go like achingly lightly with your tongue because it's going to be so sensitive by then anyway, that you can just like rock out another one with like minimal effort. And then just like, just make the whole thing about her yeah i mean like it doesn't even have to necessarily i mean depending on how the how the night is structured like you can start with like just a really good massage true you know what i mean maybe like maybe a fucking cup of tea like you

can do the you can do everything yeah like there's a seduction it doesn't have to be just sex stuff it can be like literally anything yeah it could be you know what I mean having her watch her favorite movie and you know

making her favorite dinner all those things are gonna add to each other yeah like the anticipation is a big part

of sexual chemistry and yeah and then you go is a big part of sexual chemistry. And yeah. Patience. Yeah. So like you can, you can structure a whole night figuring out all the things

that you, like all the little puzzle pieces. And then the, the sexual satisfaction is just sort of like, you know, the, the final piece in the middle that's super, super easy to figure out. You know what I is just sort of like, you know, the final piece in the

middle that's super, super easy to figure out. You know what I mean? It's like everything is going to distinguish piece. So like the whole night needs to be you finding the borders of the puzzle. You know what I mean? Finding the corner pieces. Cause you know where those go. Boom, boom, boom.

You know what her favorite meals, you know what her favorite movie is. You know what her favorite song is. Have a slow dance with her. You know what I mean? Like whatever you think is appropriate. Again, I don't know how cheesy you want this the thing is like you could watch her favorite movie and that'd be great yeah you could cook her favorite meal like again all separately and that'd be great you could go down on her and take like a long time that'd be great like all those things but if you put them all together then you're not just giving her like

this one thing or this other thing it's like this whole fucking like experience like she will look back and be like experience she'll look back and be like man that was a fucking great night and she'll just be happy she'll sleep like a fucking brick it'll be great brick sleep very well yeah and like also the pleasure doesn't have to be sexual pleasure doesn't have to be like concentrated at one point in time while you're waiting for dinner to cook throw up on the counter and go down on her you know what i mean yeah um and then just be like and then like nonchalantly just play it off just be like okay i think i gotta flip the chicken now you know what i mean and like that sort of like give and take and pull from like sexy time to sort of the mundane

i think would probably also like that would drive me crazy mean? But also like for the rest of the night, she's not going to know when you're going to strike again. Exactly. And that's going to be great. And you can even tell her, you can be like, this is going to happen again. Yeah.

But then just go right back to the chicken and baste it. Or even just be like, hey, what's your least favorite part of the movie we're about to watch? And be like, okay. Yeah. And then when that movie, that part comes on, you just sort of tip her over and go down on her again.

And then like, but here's the thing. If you know there's a really good part comes on, you just sort of tip her over and go down on her again. And then like, but here's the thing. If you know there's a really good part after it, or if the thing, as soon as it ends, stop. And just go back to watching the movie. Like, have as much fun as you want with this. And like, if she's like, what? Just be like, tell me when your next least favorite part is coming up. And just like, have a good night. You have fun with it.

She will have fun with it. Yeah. If you're doing it it like a chore no matter if you put her favorite movie on and make her best food like you know if any part of it feels like a chore to you it's gonna feel like a chore to her yeah if you're having fun with it she's gonna have a fucking blast and you are too obviously so um going going back to like what you said it also uh obviously discusses beforehand but restraining people is a great way to build sexual anticipation um because like when we feel good we almost instinctually want to touch or you know sort of envelop people who are doing the good thing yeah um and like reciprocate the favor so if you're able to do it yeah it's, there's, there's that like level, there's that heightened level of sensitivity. You're hyper aware of everything that's happening to you.

Well, you have nothing to distract you either. And that's the thing. It's nothing but your pleasure. You're pretty much the only, like your, your focus is only on your pleasure and the stimulus is that much more. Intense. Intense. Like your brain isn't going, well, I got gotta grab him here and do this at this thing and then you're like oh and he's enjoying this now this is the perfect thing but oh he's not

and they're sensitive and i like that we're both just miming just working for yeah this is uh well i guess we gotta leave the closet now um yeah the whole just like have fun with it and like even you don't even necessarily need to restrain them but if you tell them like get them in the position be like you can't move and anytime they move you stop yeah then like that you know that can almost be as good if not better depending on like the situation you know you might not have something to restrain them with properly but like if you're literally like you cannot move yeah and then the second they do you stop that's the punishment all right that's the restraint is that every time they move you stop and they're like going crazy.

Or the same thing with like, you're not allowed to make a sound. Yeah. You know what I mean? The second I hear a fucking peep out of you, I'm done. Yeah. And then like, it's funny because like, obviously when you start, you know, doing something good, she's going to be like, I'm sorry, what'd you say? Yeah.

And then like, then you're, you're playing with playing with like there's you're opening up possibilities for future sexual encounters you know what i mean you are kind of uh setting up potential dom sub stuff you're pretty you're setting up um you know the the ability to introduce new sexual concepts and ideas and and playfulness um in a fun way and in a safe way um so that when you guys do start having sex um or even you know continue to do whatever you're doing now um she would be she'll probably feel a little safer bringing up something that maybe she wants to try out because you trusted her and she trusted you um so maybe like you know maybe there is something maybe she's into like butt stuff um and and maybe she's you know't be like, I really want to lick your butt or maybe I want you to, you

know what I mean? There's things that people are scared to broach because of social norms and stuff like that. And I think the, the earlier, again, I'm assuming you're younger, but the earlier in your life that you foster a healthy sexual appetite, um, and a respectful and a consensual sexual appetite the better your life is gonna be yeah well it's like anything the or like the more you practice at it and the more work you put in and the more you like round out your experiences and stuff like you're gonna be better at it and you're gonna be more well suited to it right like if i've been playing tennis since i was 10 i'd be better at tennis yeah you know and it's just like you just become a a more well-rounded person of course because you care more about other people's shit you're more empathetic like you're

just you know it's like when people stick to one genre of music and like they refuse to acknowledge that other genres exist you know that's insane if like you don't necessarily have to be it doesn't have to be your thing you know i mean i'm not big into country yeah but i'm sure you've heard a country song that fucking rocked your world i'm I'm I can appreciate that people like country and it's you know you can equate that to a sex act you know I've heard Dane listen to Old Town Road like 17 times so uh yeah yeah so yeah exactly oh I was using hypothetically I'm I oh yeah so into Old Town Road uh country's probably my least favorite genre in and around there but uh but you also think my tractor's sexy yeah hell yeah like if someone puts on a fucking dumb country song i'll probably

still jam to it whoa did you ever hear that one song about water that's my daughter in the water no how then began my love affair with water he's just really like swimming and like driving cars through water you wrote no it's literally true it's amazing it's an actual song i will send to you later it's the best but you wrote it i i i listened to it and i was like i really like water man i really do this fucking guy yeah i know it's amazing all right one more one more Do you want, should we talk about this? So this isn't really a question. This is a statement. And this statement was posted on the seduction Reddit.

Oh no. And this statement is by a woman. Oh, okay. And the statement says, it's not you. Women just don't like to be approached in public. Huh. And the comments are real angry about that. i thought this was gonna be i found i recently found out there is a like red pill women subreddit and yikes it's scary how many upvotes this got is this the continuation of old school

fast seduction.com form handle will be rolling in is great i don't know what that means but people are so upset about this like wildly upset to the point where like earlier on i had a lot more content for this but they've all since been removed because i think the anger and the vitriol that was in these comments even seduction subreddit decided they needed to get rid of them yikes yeah this poor girl was like everyone was like you know to be honest sounds like you've already got a guy so don't blow it for the rest of women out there yeah i'm sure that's a woman saying that uh i call bullshit like nothing turns a woman on more than feeling desirable yeah my favorite thing about people with that mindset is that like women will say something and then they will be like uh no actually here's what

yeah here's what women want i'm sorry woman i'm actually going to inform you what you want yeah which is why they get so many girls they know better than the people that they're going up to it's fuck one day we could aspire to be like them well i remember but no like it's fucking wild they're literally like shut up you don't know And she's like, but I'm literally a girl who gets approached at the bus stop. And I hate that. And they're like, you like being desired. Just tell us. It's like, what are you fucking talking about?

There is. I can't remember the name of his fucking name. But he set up like a what's called in the fuck. What's a sergeant. And that's when you're like you literally just approach every woman that you can as many as you can and in rabid succession you just do it so he was coming to toronto to do a like seminar or whatever and he was like rally up boys we're going to the eaton center to which is like our big mall um he's like we're we're gonna go to the

eaton center and we're gonna sarge right outside i think it was like forever 21 or something stupid like that it's like cool so that's mostly teenage girls you fucking weirdos um and their whole plan was to just like sarge but here's the thing why is it called sarging i have no idea okay because like just the terms get me so hard because they all just sound so fucking dumb like what like the problem one thing is like if it's one dude and you're sergeant that like it's it's it's dumb and it's fucking gross but here's the thing you're not approaching the same woman right so no one is really the wiser from it the the one woman is just like oh that guy hit on me. Goes a better day.

Yeah. Then another one, you know what I mean? So that guy's the only one, the common denominator here. But when you have 45 dudes all doing the same thing and the same,

you take a step, someone's like, hey. But that's literally what was happening. Yeah. So a woman would come out of Forever 21

and a guy would approach her and then she would take four steps and another guy would approach her and then another guy would approach her and it was all the same. Bullshit, I'm sure. Yeah, so I'm sure they were all using the same more or less bullshit opener.

Which also doesn't let you leave either. And probably involves grabbing you at some point. So you can't leave. So what happened was that there was pretty much a bottleneck of people leaving Forever 21. And then being swarmed by. People swarmed, Jesus Christ. So what happened was a bunch of women like started tweeting about it and taking pictures of it and instagramming it and uh eventually they security

came and was like you guys need to fuck off because you're literally harassing every woman and like you're touching them and like so they all got the thing is these guys all know better than than the women right so well i mean that's so security and the security were men so they should have known guys these women don't know what they want i'm gonna direct you into the place where the smart women are where they know they like to be harassed when they're just trying to do things okay like the whole backlash of people being like women are such cowards women are where it's like i'm sorry hold on so you're saying that women are the ones who are in the wrong. When you're ambushing them en masse?

Because they're not appreciating what you think that women like. And I was like, so you're saying that every woman. Of course. That you talked to was wrong. Because, so I was like, so it's not your approach. Also, wait, I'm sorry. It's not your mentality. No, no, no, no.

It is just those very, somehow, you know, the stars aligned. And it was just those specific women. 300 women who were just wrong. Yeah. Wait, did they not take ladies course? Did they not learn how to be a lady? Well, I don't, here's my thing. I was like, is this a brilliant marketing move for him to then be like, oh, did you not have any success?

Come on over to my seminar. So I was like, is that your play play i really don't think it was i really think this guy thought it was going to be like did you listen to my idea and it didn't work come listen to more of my ideas they'll work yeah but also like the irony of like going somewhere with like 44 other people to ambush people who have no idea what's happening and calling those people cowards yeah like i could get 44 people and just like assault someone be like they're so weak yeah man we beat the shit out of them it's like yeah he didn't even fight back you had 45 boys like what are you talking about it was one of the most like absurd and that was sort of like the height of of pickup

at that like that was that was when like you know i know that probably is about as good as it gets and i'm talking like well it was before that like there was because like even excuse me in the seduction subreddit there are still those people who are like hey man you need to chill out yeah and reflect on yourself so there's like it was before that became a thing i mean i will say like we we talk a lot of shit about seduction and like obviously you see things like this and you're like yes there are like a lot of people who do post up being like no like you should not do this obviously harmful thing or no like blah blah and there are some people in the comments supporting them like i don't want anyone who's ever been involved in that reddit yeah thread to to think that we're just like painting them all with the same stick like i can see there are people in

there and i'm assuming the people who are in there know because a lot of the time they're complaining about what people are posting that what we're upset about is like the bullshit yes right like if someone's like yeah you should like it's like first wave pickup is what we're making exactly and now there's like there is this sort of like new generation of people who have been like oh some are still shit but some are good yeah no there are still people who are still hanging on to like you know the game even though the guy who wrote the game has come out and been like guys i was angry and confused and i had literally no self worth and this book is bullshit. But they know better than that guy.

Yeah. No, I just like, I know it's annoying to be like just wide statement, just like, fuck you guys. But like, I'm sure there's someone, if you ever hear it, I'm sure you're cool. Hopefully. Hopefully. And if not, then get cool. Yeah.

Thank you very much for listening. It's been a pleasure. It's, uh, we've moved from like being really hot outside really hot outside to making the closet warm to now it's cold outside. So my apartment is very warm. So now the closet is warm again. Now I'm sweaty as hell. There's like three week period in between the season that's comfortable. Can you tell how hot we are based on how we talk and what we do?

I feel like there's... Is there a certain moistness to our like that's seen in mission impossible where like the sweat drips off and it like yeah i feel like they can probably hear that probably they can probably hear the sweat rolling down us um but you know what i'll sweat my hell like just my whole fucking he'll sweat his hell off my hell off i was just for you i don't know what i was trying to say there i'll i'll sweat you know what i will sweat dane's helmet off yeah also why are you wearing a helmet um safety first yeah it's fair uh we got to bring you this podcast what i'm trying to say is i will i will sweat in the the hellfire that is this

closet yeah every week to bring this podcast because it's it's it's fun to do but only if you guys like it and and you know what? We appreciate the nice things you guys have been saying to us. If you have a question and you want us to answer it, you can do that. You can send us questions and we'll do that. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can also shoot us an email at F Buddies Podcast

at gmail.com. You can find us online at F Buddies Podcast dot com. And there's like a little contact form that you can like fill out and choose your agent name and send us to it. And so we will also get

your questions that way. And we always give priority first to submitted questions. So we will answer them as soon as we possibly can. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. And thank you, shout out to Jacob for listening. Thanks, Jacob. Yeah.

Oh, he was like, you guys drink when you record, right? I can tell. I was like, oh, no, take that as a good way. You guys ready? Oh, God. Dang. Hold on. Let me get comfortable.

Okay, you guys ready? So uh Steffi's Lusty Lovers is back. Are you comfy? Yeah. Are you ready to be traumatized? Uh I'm not ready but I'm comfortable. When Terry was standing stark naked before her the 34 year old divorcee slowly dropped to her knees on the floor in front of him.

She studied his hard prick in her hand as she slowly brought her face to his sweet musky crotch his cock had that polished ivory quality she cherished and stephanie squeezed it affectionately as she snaked her tongue out of her mouth and flicked it against a swollen bulb at the tip of his throbbing shaft how she loved the aroma of a clean youth's excited prick it was so exciting fresh and virginal penis she was licking fondly had never been inside of a clean ute's excited prick. It was so exciting, fresh and virginal. Penis she was licking fondly had never been inside of a woman, she was certain. It was hers before anyone else's. And the flavor, freshly scrubbed, lightly scented and delicate as fine cuisine. She licked the head of his penis like a lollipop. It tasted so good. Wow, the boy moaned when he felt her warm, wet

tongue exploring his hot meat. Do you like this? She asked as she wrapped her fingers around the slender base of his prick, a man licking up and down the length of his shaft. Yes. Oh, wow, yes, yes. Terry moaned. Stephanie smiled.

The odor and taste of his precious virginal prick sent tiny shivers of desire racing up and down her spine. She could feel her clit quivering between the lips of her cunt. Man, she loved this. She pursed her lips and brought them to the swollen head of the pulsing prick. Why prick? Why do you keep saying prick? Slowly drawing his exciting, delicious penis into her warm mouth, Stephanie brought her hand up between the boy's legs and cupped his balls in her palm. The churning inside his heavy testicles felt like the waves cresting on an angry sea.

They were, she knew, ready to explode. The idea of having his load of hot sperm splash into her mouth made her quiver with anticipation. This guy literally has no idea what testicles are. His moans were punctuated with jerks of his body as the older woman licked and sucked his tingling meat. There you go. I just wanted to get to that balls bit because you liked it so much.

Why? Why just? I love that he, whoever wrote this thought that like the balls are just like a hive of activity. And I don't even think

it's the ball. I think it's like the scrotum. I think it's just like he thinks the scrotum is just filled with semen. I don't. Just like roiling around in there. I'm wondering was

it written by a woman because they have no idea what balls do but at the same time i can't imagine someone would denigrate their gender that much or do you think it was written by someone who is 17 oh shit maybe so like that's why he's like oh women love virgin dicks women can't get enough of them virgins are so fucking hot. Or you get the next, something like a beautiful sentence like this on the next thing that makes me think maybe a poet wrote this. You kiss me on my cunt, Stephanie said, noticing a tremor in her voice as she watched the youth study her snatch. Beautiful. Is that Keats?

Yeah. Well, you know what's funny? So there's a foreword to this as well. Written by the spirit of William Shakespeare. Do you want to know what the first paragraph of this foreword is? I have been resurrected from the grave to tell you about this fine literary works. Hear ye, hear ye. Almost. A satirical humorist once said, society cripples people, then arrests them for limping.

Whether it be society, circumstance, or nature that does the crippling, we have a tendency to look down upon those who limp, and we do it with little if any regard for the force to put on the disability. Shit. Oh, right, because she has like- She's crippled. Yeah, she has like a a she has a limp right because of big dick big dick injuries a big dick um because she waited till marriage and you shouldn't do that you should just fuck virginal youths yeah yep this is a twisted twisted novel um do you have

a dan for us uh yeah i i keep getting so lost in steffi's bullshit. Dan says, Stop chasing her. She will come back. I mean, that's like... It's the best. It's halfway there. Yeah. Like, you should have quit while you were ahead. Do the first three words.

Yeah. Yeah. Just do the first three words, Dan. I almost feel like we don't need an after-dinner mint, but this one's really good, so I'm going to do whatever. We always need a mint. I know, it's true.

This comes from Pornhub user, don't need an after dinner mint, but this one's really good. So I'm going to do whatever. We always need a mint. I know it's true. This comes from Pornhub user. Your boy SpongeBob. All right, I'm going to head out. And they say, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets. Secretly. My name is Dave Miller. And my name's a secret.

And we are your secret fuck buddies. Secret.