F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 63 - Dog Boyfriend

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Last week we indulged ourselves in a little game, but this week we get right into the meaty, juicy good stuff that you all come here for: advice.  And let me tell you, we have got some doozies this week.  Topics include unintentional third wheel voyeurism, hotel sex long con, wishing he'd have a condom, threesome anxiety and picking a name for the new dog.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Miles Payne. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a Dating and Sex Life podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Nailed it.

Yeah, we did an intro properly. And you did it within the first three minutes. Amazing. Ready for some questions? Yeah, let's get right into it. All right. uh ready for for some questions yeah let's get right into it all right so if you don't know the drill guys we either find questions online and answer them or we get sent them in by users of this fine podcasting site site we're not a site we're a podcast technically we are a site

we are a site yeah go check us out i'm gonna start off okay so this is a why do you look so pensive? It's just my face. All right. This is a question from Reddit, in relationship advice, and it is by NoHitter946. Mm-hmm. They say, My friends are in the next room fucking, and I'm watching Disney+. Yes, that title is not clickbait.

I'm sitting here watching The 13th Year, great movie, by the way, and my friends are in the next room getting it on. I have this whole night planned, and I knew I was in the third wheel, but not this bad. I'm debating just leaving, or seeing through this bullshit so I can watch The Joker later tonight. No spoilers, please. I'm really happy for my best friend, but this isn't how I plan my Saturday.

What the fuck should I do? Well, was the plan with the friends to go see The Joker? Because The Joker's not on Disney+. What are you doing? I assume they're going to see The Joker later? That was their plan, yeah. Or go see the joker because the joker's not on disney plus what are you doing i assume they're gonna see the joker later that was their plan yeah or pirate it you motherfuckers um i'm gonna give you two options one yeah leave get out of there what are you doing yeah two find the youngest program that you can on disney plus turn that shit up you know what i mean like mickey mouse club like there's a you know, there's like a Disney like for babies.

And just fucking and play along. Like when they're like, can you find our hat? Door of the Explorer, that shit. Yeah, it's right there.

Mickey, Mickey, it's right there. You're wearing it, Mickey. And just do that. Or just find like Barney and turn it up really loud

so that one, you can't hear. Not everything is on Disney Plus, okay? I don't. Hey, they literally do own everything. I mean, they're getting there, but I don't think they own Barney. They bought it this morning. Maybe.

They also bought this podcast. They might have Dora. I think Dora's Fox. I don't know shit about Dora. Every question today will have Disney Plus as part of it because of our new deal. But yeah, no, they own everything. Like we would get a deal. questions that they will have disney plus as part of it because of our new deal but uh yeah no they own everything hashtag we would get a deal uh we are child friendly firstly yes uh we have a dark pass secondly just like disney yeah no i think like if you've ever been fucking when youtube

changes to a random song that includes a child chorus you'll know the feeling of unease yeah because it's the worst thing in the world you'll know the unease of hearing children chant or be exuberant well you're trying to just get down and track let someone into the mattress so get something that is just irreparably childlike and turn up the volume step like bonus one you don't have to hear their shit step two bonus two god damn the second bonus they have to listen to kids and that's gonna ruin the mood um yeah alternatively just start watching porn really loud too you know what i mean like if if they're cool with you hearing them fuck what's wrong with you just rubbing one out real quick like if if everyone's

getting off they cannot be upset that you're doing the same thing although and if they're like dude what are you doing be like oh i'm sorry is it rude to ejaculate while your friends are in the next room is that a rude thing to do but don't don't mix up our plans because you might be on the list yeah don't jerk off the kids things don't do that um unless it's like a kid's like ariel like if you're into fucking mermaids yay man go for it she's hey barney's got that thick tail he's dummy thick uh no i would say leave because one this doesn't sound fun for you and two like you can also then be doing your friend a favor being like oh i left because you guys were i didn't want to be in the way so like you're being a good friend but you're also getting the fuck out of this shitty situation like go home

and watch disney plus by yourself or go home and whack off like do something because this isn't fun for you i will also say like if you're wingmanning them is that if that's the reason why you came guess what they're good yeah they are they are good like but here's the thing i would assume that like the plan probably wasn't like hey man do you want to come on this date with me to wingman? Like, I assume they're probably together. Hmm. You know what I mean? Because, like, if you were trying to hook up with someone, you would not invite me out.

Some people are really fucking dumb. I know. But, like, obviously this guy doesn't have any problem. Like, if they're fucking before the night even starts. Well, maybe he didn't know. I mean, again, but, like, give your buddy a heads up. Like, right now, I'm saying the friend, but did he say friend or friends? Well, if this happened, right?

They, he arrives to hang out with the girl, and the friend is there, and he's like, why the fuck is she here? She's like, oh, can we talk in the next room? So, they go in, and she was like, look, she was meant to be here to wingman me. And then he was like, you don't need to wingman me. Wait, what? You had me at hello. And then they were like- I'm so confused. to be here to wingman me. And then he was like, you don't need to wingman me. Wait, what? You had me at hello. And then they were like.

I'm so confused. Okay. Who's wingmanning what? The two girls, I'm assuming. I don't know if that's correct. Oh, I thought it was two guys. It does not say. Yeah, sorry.

I thought it was like a guy and a guy and the buddies hanging out with a girl. I guess it doesn't really say, so it doesn't matter. Yeah. There's no way of knowing. I assumed it was like a girl and a guy. Like a girl liked a guy and wanted her friend to come along and like, you know, back her up. Just say my friends. Either way, I had a whole thing where like they went into the next room to discuss why the friend was there.

Admitted their feelings and just couldn't help but fuck. So maybe that's what happened. Either way, that might be how it happened. I maybe again still they're shitty friends yeah no they're shitty friends get the fuck out of there because then like they will be like where'd you go and you can then bring it up be like oh hey you started fucking while i was in the next room also like i'm sorry it doesn't matter how sneaky you think you are i would say nine times out of ten people know when people are fucking in like a proximity we all have sort of like that well also it's like oh we're just gonna leave for 25 minutes come back

red-faced yeah it's like cool did you guys go next door and exfoliate really hard because i heard rubbing sounds so here's the thing if if you're this friend if you're in this situation just get out like yeah get out because some self-respect and realize that like you sitting there is degrading to you and weird for them like it's just a really like you're above that you're not meant like you aren't just sort of like the person who gets put on hold and be like if they get mad at you afterwards be like why'd you leave like we were supposed to hang out it's like well you you weren't hanging out you made it very clear that you guys are prioritizing your whatever you guys are over the friendship with me like if you wanted to hang out you wouldn't have disappeared and fucked yeah

while i was there exactly like if that's what you wanted to do that's fine but don't invite me and if you can't if you absolutely cannot control yourselves don't invite me out anymore yeah you know what i mean like i'm happy to hang out with you. I want to hang out with you. But if you guys literally don't have the courtesy to wait until I'm gone or, you know, fuck before I get there. Yeah. Or after I leave. It's very clear that you don't value my friendship. Yeah.

Or at least respect me enough to like, think about my time. Yeah. Well, the thing is, though, if you stay, one, it's going to be kind of harder to bring it up unless the second they walk in,'re like what the fuck which you know it's kind of hard and then there's two people teaming up on you right if you stay you're almost saying that's okay because you know what i mean and then you being like i'll just wait here it's cool yeah and that means like the next time they're not going to think about it as much and blah blah but if you leave you've made an impression right they're gonna message you and be like why did you leave

and you can say, are you joking? You guys were fucking in the next room. Like, what else am I supposed to do? And then they have gotten the message. Yeah. You know, and then you can move forward from this. Whereas if you just sit around and stay, next time it's going to happen again.

Yeah. You know, and then next time if you leave, it won't be as dramatic or it won't be as whatever. I would hope if it happens again, after you have this conversation of being like yeah i fucked off because you guys were you just left me and ignored me to go fuck i would hope that they don't do it again and if they do do it again i think it's clear like where they stay like it's clear where their priorities are and it's not your friendship that's the thing

it's like if you're at a party and they go off to fuck sure whatever if it's just the three of you yeah like even if it's like four of you, it's still weird. Like, there are social, we all know the parameters that are okay here. Yeah. So, yeah, just fucking leave. Go enjoy your night. Go see Joker yourself. It'd be like, no, it would be, it's the exact same thing as like, if every time you hung

out with these people, they were like an hour late or whatever. You know what I mean? It's like, if you, would you be okay with that? Would you be cool to just like hang around for an hour while you wait for your friend or friends if you are then like please don't but you're obviously not because you're posting online yeah like it's time is a very valuable thing especially nowadays especially like as you get older the the time you get to spend with your friends like you could be doing something more productive than watching a bullshit movie while you wait for your friends to finish fucking yeah well

which like you could even be at home watching that same movie and you'd be having more fun because you wouldn't also having it like wetly interrupted with like splashes um so one leave two don't do this to your friends be fucking courteous like if you're so desperate for sex that like you are willing to throw your friends you know friendship away just to just to get you it's just rude like it's just it's super rude it's it's very much like they don't give a fuck about you um and like look if if y'all are fucking 17 and this is the first time that you've had a free house and whatever you know i i'm sure there are you know there are ways this is more acceptable but either way it doesn't seem like you guys have talked about it or done anything yeah and just be like hey i'm so sorry i think

we're about to fuck do you like i'll buy you a drink next time we're out yeah like or even just like but again if that was the case, I don't think this question would be happening. So get your shit together. Yeah. And leave. To both of you. This comes from Reddit user

Throwaway1047394. My 19 male girlfriend, 19 female, spent two weeks building up that we were going to do, what we were going to do in our hotel room with zero intention

of following through with it. This is a bit long, but I'll try to blast through it. That's fine. she's been really grateful for me coming with her. I said how she was going to reward me after she got back from the gig. However, when she got back, she didn't want to do anything. She was tired and didn't even mention anything related to it. Fair enough. She was tired. Not in the mood. The problem is, though, that she spent two weeks making jokes and comments, building it up, and I asked her to bring

a certain piece of lingerie and some other things. She didn't pack any of it. Didn't even bring condoms, which she said she would, which means she had zero intention of following through. made up her mind before she even went and she's the sort of person who packs a day or two before we go i haven't said anything because i don't want to start a fight but i'm pretty annoyed with her sex has always been an issue in a relationship and some of it uh for good reason but i'm just upset that she spent two weeks building up with no intention of following through with it that's a weird one yeah i i don't i don't really know how i feel about it and i wanted to like just

kind of talk it out with you yeah well i think like firstly i'm glad that this question is like i'm not like he he's not upset that didn't happen but he is kind of you know what i mean like it's not like a i'm dessert i owe like yes i'm glad that he at least from what he wrote seems like he's not being a shitbag about this yeah because if it was he's treating it as if it's a transaction like yeah like i've done something and now i'm like i'm owed sex or even just like you said you would so now you have to you know because i do kind of get it that's like why would you say and do and make these concrete plans if you literally had no intention of falling through with them you know especially because he's already said he's gonna go do it so it's almost it almost seems like i don't know you're trying to make sure they definitely come but in like an underhand like

i i would feel almost like it's an underhanded way of making sure i still go you know what i mean when i was already gonna go which i think would offend me it seems like really manipulative yeah like if like that's your and like unnecessarily so like it doesn't seem like this guy was like I'll think about going yeah and then over the course of the week she was like I'll do this I'll do that I'll do this and then he was like all right if that's what's gonna go down I'll go it was like it seemed like pretty much right off the bat he was like I'm cool just sitting in a hotel room reading a book if if you want to go to this gig it's like that's i don't know it seems strange to then feel the need to uh you know throw all these these like you know rewards quote unquote yeah out in the open if if you don't want to do it they're dating right uh their girlfriend

boyfriend yeah and like even the fact that like she comes home she's tired and it didn't happen that's totally fine he also seems fine with that but the fact that this premeditated tiredness or this like the whole thing was never gonna happen that's that's kind of the cinch right um that's weird i get it um i don't know maybe talk to her and just be like hey like i know you sell these things and like it's fine that didn't happen but it also seemed like you had already not wanted it to happen like days before. So it's like, if your real reason was being tired, like that's totally fine, but it seems like you'd already made your mind up. And I just want to know like, why, you know, cause I didn't need it, but I also, if there's an issue here, I'd like to know about it. Yeah. I think it's totally fair to, to, you know,

posit the question and also, also say like hey i'm i'm not upset that we didn't have sex i'm more concerned that you felt like you needed to bribe me or manipulate me into thinking i was going to have sex when you had no intention of following through yeah um you don't even need to go that far even just asking be like why did you think that you needed to to say all those things yeah um because like i i had already agreed yeah like i was gonna do it anyway and also like i because you probably don't want her to feel like she has to do this if she also doesn't want to do it right like you guys definitely need to have a talk and like he does mention that sex been the issue i wish we knew

more about that because then we could answer this question. I assume it's probably a sex drive. Yeah. Like if I'm going to miss match, yeah, I would probably guess that like, he probably wants to have more sex than, than she does. Yeah.

Um, but that's like also a very unfair way of handling it. Like can't be like, Oh, we're going to have sex, but not like, well, you know?

Yeah. It's weird to like rev someone up regardless of whether it's sex or whatever you know it would be the same thing like imagine if you're like uh if she did something around the house if she's you know you've been working late she's been doing all the dishes or cooking meals or whatever and you were like baby i'm gonna take you on the best date ever like it's gonna be a great date i'm gonna take you out for dinner i'm gonna take you out to dinner i'm gonna do this and we do that and then you just don't yeah and even just like and like and you had no intention of doing but on the day of you're like look i'm sorry i feel really ill and she's like

okay but then it turns out all the place you need to go to you have to buck a day or two in advance and you didn't yeah so it's like even or just saying like i have reservations to this place exactly yeah and then coming to it and be like oh sorry we don't have a table yeah but you said you had a reservation i didn't really do it yeah i. That's the thing. It's like, I'm sure the person in that issue wouldn't be like, I did the cleaning, though. You owe me dinner. Yeah. But they also would be like, why did you fucking lie about it? Yeah, what's the point?

Like, if you were never planning on it, like, I don't need to be like, I'm not child. I don't need these, like, weird, like, ephemeral, like, oh, here's a carrot. Like, here you go. Like, this bribery and this, like, manipulation. Like, you can just talk to me. Yeah. I once, I once was, uh, sleeping with,

or I was in the process of like trying to woo a woman, uh, into a sexual relationship. And, uh, we, like our schedules just weren't matching up. Um,

and then, but she kept sending me like, you know, things. And like one day she was like talking about her, how she has no gag reflex. And, and she would,

uh, she was always talking about like, you know, swallowing my dick and like all this stuff. And then when we finally, our schedules finally matched up, she was literally like, oh, I don't do oral. I was like, what? I'm like, that's fine. It's okay. But then why would your only sexting moves be oral related like literally that's all you talked about was sucking my dick and like your proficiency in sucking dick but you don't do

oral also why would you tell me that after i've gone down on you for like 10 minutes that's exactly why she didn't tell you um yeah i it's just a wild thing it's like don't if you're not into something don't don't say you're gonna do it they were saying the same kind of shit they were talking this really big game and then eventually they were like i'm a virgin i was like again totally fine again totally cool but like this whole time you've been like you know throwing down this like big mad sex life you've had and then it turns out it was all just like a front yeah it was like what like i wouldn't have cared in fact it made things more awkward rather than less yeah because it was like if you if you are worried or nervous about like the i'm gonna flip it on onto her side from her point of view it's like i get it like if you do if there is a libido issue

or you know insecurities about sex whatever i, like, going to a time where you're expected to have sex can be nerve-wracking. Well, this is like hotels, right? Yeah. That's what they're for. It's more or less sort of like hand-in-hand. If you stay in a hotel, there's going to be some hotel sex. So I totally get it. But to nervously build it up more, it just makes it worse.

Yeah, like, if you just don't talk about it, or like, if you don't, if you don't make it like, if you don't make it a thing, it's not a thing.

Yeah. Also like, a night in a hotel with your partner, is just a night with your partner. So like, if you, you should be comfortable enough to express yourself with them. So it's like,

if you don't want to have sex, random Tuesday, that's the same as you not wanting to have sex in a hotel yeah like don't let it be built up in your mind right and if they don't see it that way then they are not a good partner and you you just need to realize that like things don't change just because they're your partner in in a different setting yeah you know like they don't get this free pass because it's a hotel and you don't have to feel that way. Right. So it's like if you didn't want to have sex, then it's the same as any other day.

You don't need to build it up. You don't need to try and like appease them before. Because I bet that was probably what it was. It was like you're trying to squeeze some element of sexiness out of this when you didn't want to like commit to sex. But like it kind of ends up having the opposite effect. 100%. Yeah. You know. So, yeah. want to like commit to sex but like it kind of ends up having the opposite effect yeah you know um so yeah and then you just kind of feel like i don't know if offended is the right word or betrayed or like lost because you don't really know what's going on because then you've been

told this one thing i mean like then you're told another thing but then you find out after that the condoms and the lingerie and all these things weren't even brought so it's like it's you knew it was never gonna happen a lot. It was never going to happen. Like, like if you boil it down to its, you know, it's, it's core,

like she lied to him. Yeah. Um, and you need to, you need to address that. It doesn't matter what the situation was again. Like if you told her that you had reservations at a place that you did not have reservations.

Yeah. For whatever reason, whatever your gambit was there, uh, you, you still lied like you told a lie i don't know why and but like i would want to know why like if if for whatever reason amanda did that you know me it was like it was like we're gonna you know i'm gonna take you to the movies and then we didn't go it'd be like like, why, like, what's, why, why say it? Exactly.

Um, like why, what did you feel that, why, what was the need for you here? Because I would like to address that and maybe hopefully alleviate the pressure that you felt like you needed to do this. Yeah. Um, so good luck. Uh, hopefully you can, you can get that sorted out. Cause that would be, it's, it's, uh, it's sort of setting the groundwork for more lies, unfortunately. It just shows a breakdown in communication and you guys need to fix it.

This is another one from Reddit by Frazetta9. She is upset because I had condoms. So we've had three dates and all of them ended with her giving me a blowjob on my car. Last night we were at it and she whispered to me, you should have brought condoms. And I told her, well, yeah, I actually did. And she got upset. She said she didn't think I was the type of guy who would have casual sex

or some shit like that, that she doesn't feel special anymore. I told her this is how I avoided having unwanted kids at age 16, and she told me to forget about the relationship that we don't think alike. What the fuck? Does it say how old they are now? No. 16 and she told me to forget about the relationship that we don't think alike what the fuck just say how old they are now no are we to assume that they're 16 no i said i assume it was like him being like i've carried condoms since i was 16 that's why i'm not a father i see you know or is he using the same condoms he had okay so in the comments apparently they're like 28 this is

the weirdest thing yeah that's just like wild amounts of hypocrisy like you okay firstly let's point out like because i know some some girls get this a lot where if they ever have a condom on them guys are like oh what are you a fucking slut are you you easy? Like, and it's more so, as far as I've, like, experienced, girls getting shamed for being ready for sex than guys getting shamed for being ready for sex. It's like, everybody, if you're a fucking optimist, get ready for sex.

Also, if you're going on a date. Oh, yeah, that's, I'm talking about in general. If you're going on a date, sure. Yeah, be fucking ready for sex. Also, if you've had three dates and every time you've performed oral on each other yeah bring a fucking condom like what like it's it is wild to me that anybody would get upset by that yeah at all like ever even on first date if you have a condom like it doesn't have to be for now it doesn't have to be for you it just has

to be there because guess what? Like, how do you know? Like, do you have precognition? Yeah. You don't. If you go on a date, it's like, I don't know. Again, I'm going to go back to my default of like my idea of like dating and sex. It's like if you go on a date with someone, you you're already decided that you you would sleep with them in the sense that like no one is going to go on a date with someone they're not sexually attracted to.

Yeah, no one would look at someone say, I don't want to fuck. I don't want to fuck that person at all. Let's go for drinks. Yeah, it's a you just don't do it. It doesn't make any sense. That's what we call being friends um like unless you're actively you know trying to like get in the sugar daddy baby situation or you are a piece of shit and just using people for like free drinks and money whatever like but if you're actively trying to actually date people as human beings you're not going to go on a date with someone you don't want

to fuck yeah because it's which of course doesn't mean you are going to fuck them but absolutely not but you would have sex with them. Yeah. If the stars align, if everything works out for you, you would want to have sex with that person because that's sort of like the first things that we do as human beings when we initiate attraction. You know what I mean?

It's like our bodies and our brains immediately sort of decide whether we'd fuck someone or not within the first three seconds or something of meeting someone um and yes you can be that that initial reaction can be tilted one way or the other based on uh when you actually get to know them exactly personality and conversation and and other things other factors but also so can that i won't fuck him on the first date or i won't fuck her on the first date also change and guess what if you get to that point where you're like oh my god i i really want to fuck this person they really want to fuck me oh shit i don't have a condom sometimes you're gonna say fuck it other times you won't and then that also sucks because you haven't done what you wanted to do but guess

what if you have a condom with you you're good and it's like it's not really what the question is about but you should always approach dates with like a fluid idea of whether you want to have sex with someone or not um and that's like don't go and rigidly being like i have the rule that i don't fuck on the first date because it's if you don't want to that's fine but if like you can also decide you don't want to during the date that's the thing and that's the same outcome if by the end of the date you want to fuck him, but you aren't going to because you've created an arbitrary rule for yourself that you don't fuck on the first date, then the only thing that's happened here is you haven't had sex.

Yeah, for no reason. You've upset yourself for reasons you... Yeah, you've wanted to have sex and then you didn't because no reason. There's literally no reason other than the fact that you've made up this concept that you don't fuck on the first date because the thing is if you decided hey i'm gonna fuck this person i bet you'd change your mind well i mean that's that's sort of dating in essence right like like i said within the first three seconds we decide we want it like most first dates are you talking yourself out of fucking a person or like most, most interactions.

You know what I mean? Like if, if you see someone that you're attracted to, the, the reason you're, you're approaching them or, or engaging with them is probably because you want to pursue a sexual relationship. Yeah.

Unless you're asexual or something. Yes. Yeah. And again, I'm not saying that like every conversation is the, the, of course. No,

I know what you mean. I'm just trying to clear it up for people that may not get the context. But if you're approaching someone with romantic interests, the end goal, however far away it is, is to have sex. Or engage in some sort of sexual act. I totally agree. And also, how would you get offended at anybody being prepared and being safe like i will bet you like there's probably more people who've gotten offended in

this than people have gotten offended when someone's like we don't have one let's do it anyway that's the thing is like that's the alternative really is is then the guys who use not having a condom as a as a an excuse or a means to pressure people into having sex who want to use condoms. Um, so, and it's crazy, like you said, it's, it's a, it's insane that there are, uh, men and women or, or people who judge women for carrying condoms. Um, I mean, it's almost always useless for me because I do have latex sensitivity so the amount of times where I actually haven't had a condom because I just wasn't

you know I was doing stupid things and all of a sudden I'm in a situation where sex was on the table and then people were being like oh it's cool I have a condom it's like well sorry that's not going to work well then you have to shame them and leave oh yeah yeah I'm just like how dare you how dare you that's how gonna work then you have to shame them and leave oh yeah yeah yeah i'm just like how dare

you how dare you and then take their so how i shame people how dare you how dare you it's like i'm not mad i'm just disappointed disappointed uh yeah no it's it's insane but also like i think the most book wild part of this entire thing is that she literally just said if only you had one yeah and then he was like i do and she was like for shame yeah it's like i wish i want a condom right now i have one you're an idiot you're a whore i would sell my fucking toes just to have you with protection right now oh i got it fuck you motherfucking i can't believe our desires don't line up. I don't feel special after all these blowjobs and cars. Oh, man. It's like, how is...

He respects you enough to be safe. How is that not special? And also, let's kind of get over the fact... People have sex before they meet you. We've talked about this before like him having a sexual history doesn't impact how he feels about you you're you it doesn't make you any less special that he was prepared for sex that's like it's it's like being like hey we should have sex and then they're good at sex and you're upset that they're good at sex yeah like well there's no way you like you must have experience what kind of experience do you have experience where's that experience from are you a hooker

have you been grinding what level are you on it's oh i thought you meant like like grinder like dutty grinding no i meant just like you know when you grind for experience in rpg because i'm real cool um i like that better to be honest i just like guys chill the fuck out yeah and also don't say things you don't mean like like the last question it's like just if you're like oh i really wish you had a condom they have a condom you go yes and then you guys have really good sex what you do is you put it on and then you fuck in that car yes like that's that's how this that's like events should have been like oh man i'm so fucking hungry and your friend being like oh i just got two burgers and i got a spare one and then being like oh you're gonna fucking feed me wow i wanted to be fucking hungry yeah i thought

i was special yeah and you're just carrying around i thought you were gonna feed me in three days is that burger for anyone would you just give that burger away to anyone are you just ready to feed people oh so you're just going to feed people? Wow. Just walk down the street, see someone hungry, you're just going to give them a burger? Yeah, no, that's wild, guys. I mean, that's even more realistic.

That's weird. Just because I have a condom in my pocket isn't like I can't go home without using this. Yeah. Couldn't bring this home. Burger's going to go bad eventually. The condom, that lasts for a while. Yeah.

Like, the condom isn't lasts for a while. Yeah. Like, you're not gonna, like, the condom isn't there and being like, use me. I'm slowly getting colder, Terrence. Terrence, I'm back. I can feel mold and fuzz developing. Please, insert your penis in me, and then

insert me inside a vagina. Are you talking about the burger, or? Anything. Yeah, no, it's just guys. Don't like, just know whoever at this whole situation is so bad. I'm so sorry,

friend. Yeah. So let's, let's sum this up. One, if you go on a date, have, or if you're in general,

in real life, like you never know protection. If, if you want to use protection during sex, there is no harm in having protection. And you should want use protection during sex, there is no harm in having protection. And you should want to use protection. Man, woman, anything in between and outside of that. Yeah.

Yes, if you're also not exclusive or even, you should just always use protection. You should use it, you know. And you know your various situations, what protection is. So, like, just use it, right? Also, just be an optimist. You never know when that whirlwind movie moment will happen, and you'll find yourself on a bodega with a fucking sexy-ass boy who's got just the right tattoos in just the right places.

Do you know what a bodega is? No, I think I used the wrong word. Yeah, you sure did. Yeah, but you know what? You're there. A bodega is like those really shitty convenience stores in New York. I know. I knew it when I said it but i was hoping we just fly

but hey i'm talking i'm talking about new york heart the newest movie where she meets that tattooed boy in the bodega and it's so warm in the bodega that he took his top off and he's just tattooed enough and he's it's like boy dega yeah boy dega right and it's just this magical boy dega that like yeah like automatically attracts all attractive men well the thing is like he take their shirt off yeah his job is to stack the eggplants and polish them and then you know like classic eggplant polish exactly right like you don't want dusty dusty bodega eggplants so you know jeremy comes in jeremy sees the boydega who's never named which is a real spicy twist.

This is the best fucking Hallmark movie, by the way. Boy Daga in Christmas. Snow Boy Daga. Christmas Boy Daga. Snow Boy Daga. The two. Double penetration. What?

I don't know. Either way, you never know when that beautiful moment will happen when you just you're gonna have sex and you didn't plan for it and it's fucking great and oh wait you have a choice between ruining it or getting an std and getting pregnant i don't know yeah just stop stop treating sex like it's you know the highest epitome of it's a thing that happens that's the thing like like, this conversation is... If you're okay with blowing a dude in a car,

you should be okay with him carrying protection. And that's the thing, there's nothing wrong with blowing a dude in a car. No, not at all. But there's also nothing wrong with having safe sex.

No. And being prepared to have safe sex. This conversation is both, or this situation, both holds sex to the highest standards of this beautiful,

glorious thing, but also, it's dirty and terrible and you shouldn't do it with other people. Because you're doing both those things at the same time in your mind you're like i need to be special it's the best thing ever fuck you how dare you pervert you've got condoms it's like how are those two things linked yeah they're not okay let's move on okay uh this comes from reddit user the i mean like there's a bunch of letters but it's just the redditor i have threesome anxiety.

So my partner is setting up a threesome with this girl. I'm male. My partner and this girl are female. I didn't think we'd ever come this far because it seemed like the girl was only showing interest in my partner. How'd they spell come? The right way. So that means C-O-M-E. She was only showing interest in my partner.

So my partner was doing all the talking. I felt like I had no say in the process, which makes me feel out of control. This has added to my anxiety, and when I found out that the girl wants a threesome, it gives me more anxiety. This anxiety arouses my insecurities. I'm not sure how to cope with it. I don't think the word arouses is what you wanted there, sir. I've been communicating with my partner but i haven't been able to communicate with the girl because my partner has been saying time's not right to include me in the discussion they're both flirting with each other and i'm kind of jealous because flirting is fun

how can i make myself less anxious about this i get it you know it's it's a pretty personal intense thing that you want to be a part of but also at the same time it's probably the best way for it to happen is like if she's cool with it if they get to know each other like i feel like a girl talking to a girl it's a lot kind of maybe safer than a guy girl talking to a guy you know what i mean like maybe that's not the right word but like they can get comfortable before you're introduced to the situation you know and you never know if it's even going to get to that point right because if you're not at the point where you can actually talk to them maybe it's not as close as this person is worried it is so i'm not sure like i one i i do understand second you're it seems to me if i'm going to go on experience and and all this, it seems to me like your girlfriend is trying to set up a threesome for you in which she is cultivating the entire experience for you.

Which sounds great. And the reason you're not being included in it is because there's going to be a surprise or there's going to be, you know, they're making sure that this is something that you want. Like, you know what I mean? And I'm not saying that it's specifically for you. I'm not saying that, like, their main goal is to please you. But I definitely, I can almost promise you that they're cooking up something to wow you. Or to show off. Or, you know what I mean?

Like, there's something about the fact that you're not allowed to be privy to these conversations that they're up to something i would be more prone to believe that if this person didn't seem so far removed from the thing because he seems so nervous and upset that i can't imagine that him and the girlfriend have ever talked about it in depth to the point where like i imagine if they had ever really talked about it to the point where she'd know what to set up and plan for unless it's her fantasy she assumes he would like well that's yeah so that's kind of what i think what's probably happening here if his like involvement was ever in this stage i don't think he would be as scared as he is right now i don't even necessarily think it's him being scared. You know what I mean.

I think what he's going through right now is, I think the spite witch put it very well, where traditionally men do not like when women have control, especially in the matters of sex. And I say that like in the most basic traditional gender roles um where people assume that the male is the dominant and the female is this so like i'm going to go on a limb here again i'm making a lot of assumptions because i don't have all the well that's the thing this is very contextless um i would i would assume that he probably makes a lot of the decisions you know what i mean and i i would assume that he's usually the one in control because he's talking about his insecurities.

And I think that probably means that he doesn't like not being in control or he doesn't like being the one who makes the decisions. And I'm not saying that he's this is in an abusive way. Of course. Or or in a manipulative way or anything like that. I think it's just sort of I think he's out of his comfort zone not being in control of the situation. See, I read it differently where it seems to me like, especially because he's feeling the jealousy, is that like obviously considering she's off flirting with girls and wants to include a woman in the relationship, she at least is, you know, bi or at least somewhat fluid sexually.

I think he's worried that the girl isn't going to be into him or that his girlfriend's going to be more into the girl. It seems to me like that's a lot of what he feels. Sorry, you are correct because they do say, I didn't think we'd ever come this far because it seemed like the girl was only showing interest in my partner. Yeah, so I think he's feeling left out more and insecure more and the like, I don't feel like i'm even there

you know he's not even talking to him he's not even flirting he so it seems more like he's worried that they're just gonna have their own thing and either the girl's gonna show up and be like or his partner is gonna be all about that person he's just gonna be a third wheel um but that's some of the insecurity i was getting yeah i i yeah i think you're, you could be right, but they do say, um, also as well, it's like when I found out that the girl wants a threesome. Okay. Yeah.

So it seems like the, the, the third is the one who might be. Okay. Yeah. The one who posited the question. Right. But at the same time,

you'd imagine they, they don't really go into whether they're polyamorous or anything. Right. So I also don't know, like, is this just a random person you found on tinder is it a person that you know like i don't know those i don't know the parameters of the relationship with the third yeah because if they were looking for a third you assume the girl would have known the whole time and then it would

have just been like her saying yes and not them being and then her being like oh actually include your boyfriend so it's kind of hard to really make a proper yeah judgment call on that but advice my advice would be um because he does say he's in communication with his partner but hasn't been in communication with her i think there's no harm in you saying like hey i'm a little nervous about this because i haven't talked to her yeah um and sort of sort of laid on the table and be like um if you're up to something and you think i'm gonna enjoy it that's cool but let me know don't don't spoil anything don't tell me all the details but i just want you to know that currently the lack of information for me is making a bit nervous and and if we're going into this i would like to

be as confident as possible because nerves never make good sense no not at all if i'm nervous and and if we're going into this i would like to be as confident as possible because nerves never make good sense no not at all if i'm nervous and anxious there's a good chance that like i'm not going to get hard or i'm not going to perform well and if if this is your first threesome or any threesome it's a rare enough occurrence for most people that like you kind of want to really get like the most out of it you want to money's worth you want to you want to squeeze every fucking drop of juice out of this situation as you possibly can so you want to be a peak performance and if you don't feel like you're at peak performance you kind of got to figure out what that is to what you're going to do and i think the first thing is is uh dropping those barriers and letting your your partner know you're insecure it's about 100 like just talk to them and

if if they're in like if it is a surprise or whatever and she's like it is i'm sure that'll probably reassure you maybe not i don't know depends what kind of surprises your partner does i guess um but on top of that if she is like no we're just like we want to get to know each other blah blah maybe she'll have a timeline or maybe realizing that you feel a little bit left out or a little bit insecure will like hasten the kind of inclusion or like maybe you know like there are steps forward and if she doesn't know how you're feeling she's not going to take them yeah and i will say that um you can also say like you don't necessarily have to be like involved in like a facebook group chat or

whatever whatever means they're off the drinks one night exactly there's probably the easiest way to before it happens even like the night of or you know a couple nights of or are just like go and have some drinks because people you can definitely look at someone be like i would love to throw her in that bedroom and then you talk to them and you're like i cannot stand this person yeah and vice versa they might be doing the same thing right yeah i'm sure they want to get to know you it's it's frustrating. And I'll tell you, like, I've had a few threesomes and the best ones, all the ones that I've really enjoyed have been the ones where we've all met up for drinks prior and then went

and did the damn thing. It's almost like the introduction. Yeah. Followed by the fun. And it's fun to, like, it's, you know, a little social lubricant isn't, obviously you don't get fucking hammered because that's weird. No. But like.

Also going to ruin yourself because either you're not going to perform, you're going to be sloppy and smelly or you're going to fucking forget it. Yeah. You're not going to remember it. Chill. Like there's no harm in just having like a couple of drinks to relax everyone's nerves. You talk, make sure that. A little Dutch courage even.

Yeah. to relax everyone's nerves you talk make sure that little dutch courage even yeah um i would say try to get into a place where you're not uh i'm a bar sitter i like sitting at the bar this is one of those occasions where this is like a corner booth yeah or the corner of a bar if they've got it so that way you're sort of all uh you know close together because one way like you don't want to put her in the middle like that would be the ideal situation on and you know close together because one way like you don't want to put her in the middle like that would be the ideal situation on a bar well because you're both beside her but then if she's in the middle you're attacking her if she's away you're either one person is removed one person's kind of just like oh it oh hey um so even just like even a table where like you know you and your partner

sit together and they sit on the other side um it um shadowy corner booths y'all can get a little sexual without peaking that pervy bartender's every now and then you know dane holmes in on those conversations you better he's like what let me tell you pardon he's just licking his lips the second someone sits down i know i know if they're gonna fuck oh 100 i just i'd like i'd just take a deep inhale and I just be like, they're going to fuck. That guy's going to strike out. They're already fucking. I love playing like date bingo where you figure out like first date, second date, Tinder date, knew each other, like eight date anniversary.

Like what? You know, and you, you figure it out. And most of the time you're right. My bar is huge for Tinder dates. Like first Tinder date. Why? I guess because there's so many young people down. casual you know what i mean like it's uh this is probably a bunch of young people yeah so they can just pop across the road that's the thing it's

like it's uh it's it's such a and i like i love it because it gives me so much fuel for this fucking show that we do because oh wait which show uh should plug it oh yeah it's called uh sex with dane it's uh my dating and sex advice podcast where i fuck dane um yeah it's like i i love watching people go on these these thoughts the best because everyone is so bad at it yeah few people credit few people get it but i'll say nine times out of ten they don't i'll tell you my fit well one of my favorite first days to ever have seen was in a fine dining place where he was the douchiest person ever he kept repeating like stock phrases about wine that didn't make sense he also claimed he was a person with a problem with authority and then clarified that sentence by saying he's the kind of guy who'd pull up cop over for speeding uh i mean that's not

a problem with authority my man that's suicide yeah it's a napoleon complex yeah um but he kept being like the only way to go is a petty sarah the only way but then so how do you how would you pull a cop over i know i just do you have your own siren the best was just her face was just like this like you could tell it didn't move at all because she didn't know where to move it she couldn't consciously move it somewhere because how do you respond to that but if she let it do its own thing it would be like this confused sneer maybe um and then he would shite on about that and then when she was like yeah but i don't want red he was like well the only way to go is in new zealand

like and it just would go on and you could tell she was just trying to make her way out of the whole thing and at the very end of the date he was like shiting on about some fucking grape hall in 2016 and europe being the best which i very much doubt was true because he had no idea what he was talking about maybe it was i don't know um and he was like hey i so i actually the grape fried i was talking about i have a really good bottle of it at home and saving for a special occasion. She was like, good. Yeah. I hope it comes along. I laughed.

And he was just like gaping like a fish out of the water. Yeah. Also didn't tip well. Oh, hey. Hey, let me just throw this out here. If you want the best dating and sex advice, I can never tell you. Your bartender is your best wingman. I'm going to tell you right now. If you you take care of us we will take care of you and nine times out of

ten it is the best thing that can happen to your date if you're sitting at a bar i'm gonna tell you right now i'm probably gonna like if she goes to the bathroom i'm gonna be like i'm gonna i'm gonna have her pep talk you i'm either gonna give you some advice or if you go to the bathroom i'm gonna talk you up yeah or i'm gonna give you free shots or if you go to the bathroom, I'm going to talk you up. Yeah. Or I'm going to give you free shots or something. You know what I mean? I'm going to act like you are my best friend. I'm going to act like you are the coolest fucking dude because let me tell you right now. That's going to add your shit.

When I, having a bartender on your side is the coolest thing. I would say that right now, 90% of our success, it's not a true statistic, but when we used to go out together we would go to a bar and we were such regulars there and we tipped our bartenders so well that we would literally they would hand beers over to us yeah over crowds and not charge us until the next time we came up because they knew who we were yeah and we fucking soared them out they soared us out let me tell you no one like that i don't know what it is there's there's something about it that people are like fuck all right yeah those people are cool and it's like and it's not like we did anything crazy it was just like our first round five

dollars tip you know like fuck it what's it to me also i will say on the flip side even before someone's tipped it's like i've never had someone have this really cool date go really well and like you know they're going home and it's it's going to date seven at least. Right. And then they throw down like a five or 10% tip. Never. They're always the people who are doing really well or like, Hey, here's 20, here's 25, whatever. Whereas like the person that bombs hard and they're like, well, I guess I'll settle up

5%. You're like, Hmm, I don't think this is happening because you're unhappy. I think you're unhappy and this is happening. Yeah. Um, Oh, first date. I went out with my current girlfriend. We were at a bar. We were playing a rolling game of I Never through a bunch of different bars.

And one of the bartenders was like, hey, I just want to let you guys know, you guys are so fucking fun. This is amazing. And gave us custom fucking cocktails that they made. And we were like, hell yeah. And we left feeling like we were both cool. Tipped them great. And it probably helped us get close together And we were like, hell yeah. And we left feeling like we were both cool, tip them great.

And they probably helped us get close together. Cause they were like, you two are great. Again, there's like I said, there's, there's, there's a power to the bartender.

Oh yeah. That if, if it's not just the ability to like, you know, smash windows with a thought and like, you know, make birds fly low. Don't reveal the secret bartender psychic powers edit that out get get it get it

on the table lay your cards down be like i want to be involved in this process don't suffer in silence let her know and don't be weird about it just be like hey yeah like no like it's always great when someone's like hey i'm a little insecure about this or i feel this way about this or i wish i was involved in this way because i'm sure they weren't doing it knowing you felt that way they probably didn't know. So now they need to fix it. I'm telling you right now. She is doing this because she thinks you're like, you know what I mean? You're just fucking jizzing in your pants.

She's planning to kill you. And she's going to kill you. Yeah, no, it's a murder. All right, next question. This is a Reddit question by Cowspots. My boyfriend wants to name the dog after himself. Yes, go for it. I'm just going to get right to the point. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting the dog after himself. Yes, go for it. I'm just going to get right to the point.

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting a dog for months, and ever since, we started looking, going to shelters, and looking for one, and he's been saying he wants to name it Mateo. Mateo is my boyfriend's name. I thought he was joking, as he usually is, but now he's saying that he's not joking, and he really wants to name it Mateo. I don't know what to do, because I definitely don't want my dog and boyfriend of the same name. I don't even know why he would want to name the dog after himself.

Like, what the fuck? I'm telling you right now, this is a long con. He doesn't want to do this. Oh, he does. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. He realized how upset you were the first time and he's going to do this until... And it doesn't matter what you name this dog.

He's going to call it Mateo because it pisses you off. And I say that because that's what I would do. Yes, but the thing is, she didn't get annoyed the first time. She thought it was funny. It was only when it kept going that she was like, oh God, he means it. I think she knows Mateo well enough to know when Mateo means it, he means it.

Look, let me tell you right now. Me and Mateo, we go way back. And this boy, this boy is playing the long game. I wish you knew someone as cool as someone named Mateo. I'm sorry, we got beers from a dude named Coolius last week. That's fair, that's playing the long game. You wish you knew someone as cool as someone named Mateo. I'm sorry. We got beers from a dude named Coolius last week. That's fair. That's fair. Who is semi-flowing the idea of sponsoring the podcast?

I don't know. Hell yeah. I'm not sure if he's being serious, but he did ask how many people were on it. Nice. There's two of us. I know. You can spare two beers a brew, Julius. Coolius.

Yeah. Brulius. Maybe we'll use one of our shiny stones to evolve you even further. Oh, shit. Cool-ation. Cool-nation. Cool ice. Let's just role play this a little bit.

Mateo, stop shitting on the carpet. And then me and Mateo both look around, grin on our face, saying... Are you the dog? We're both of us. No. The dog can speak yes what he's gonna do you know that fucking i don't remember what it's called but it was the movie where johnny depp died and then put himself in a computer i think mateo's gonna do this i think mateo's

gonna kill himself implant himself in the dog dog boyfriend oh you know what talk to mateo and be like yo mateo this is funny and all if you die I'm gonna cry every time I have to tell the dog anything or rename him which is gonna hurt the dog cause the dog's gonna be confused or cause you imagine like I could just get home from the funeral and you're like Mateo are you

hungry? do you wanna go out of your coffin? I mean of the house Mateo play dead I'll go out you're too good at it um you can't or here's here's what i'm gonna suggest suggest naming it yourself yes uh cow spots or whatever yeah be like no you know what um mateo's not a bad name you know what's a better name cow spots yeah oh my god you say you a hundred. But then you say, as if as a fun, totally non-serious afterthought, but if it's a girl, we'll use my name.

And then you fucking bait and switch these dogs so hard, you pretend it's a boy, and then when he's not looking, that Dalmatian has the same spots. But guess what? It does not have a penis. And it does identify as a woman. You know what? Here's the thing.

Leave it up to fate. Put a bunch of fucking names on dog bowls. All of whom are Mateo. And then fill the same dog bowls with the same food. And let the dog pick. Who are you to say? That's fun. Dogs have agency.

And one of them is Mateo. And if you choose Mateo Then that's fate That's fun I'm sorry It's the only fair way to do it Yeah and then your boyfriend Needs a new name Well that's the other thing

Which bowl does he eat from You then get a bunch of plates With names on it Put a lot of chicken wings in them Yeah put his favorite dish on there And then whatever plate he chooses And also he can't see it The food is covering the plate

The food is So he has to look at the plates And be like Which one looks the best This one And if he chooses the plate so he he has to look at the plates and be like which one looks the best this one and if he chooses the plate once he finishes eating he finds his new name yeah and if it's mateo then it's meant to be yeah exactly and then then you've got two mateos right exactly you have a serendipity situation where it was meant to be mateo and mateo living dog man, man's best friend. Dog man. Same thing, dog man.

Or you just pretend you're like, I don't know, like a 2000s rapper. And every time you say the dog's name, you're like, Mateo! Mateo! Mateo! And then he'll just, he will literally cut his own ears off within seven days. And then you don't have to call either of them anything. You just learn sign language. Or maybe call him call him remix that okay that's a thing like you know he's the mateo remix call him aomap call him whatever that thing that pitbull says dale dale have we not

talked about that this whole podcast god damn you know guys dale is is a way of life pitbull taught me how to live i learned how learned how to live through Pitbull. Yeah, today. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm going to ship you off to Tehran and get you a suit. We should probably end this, boy. Boys and girls and ladies and gents.

We needed a coupon update. Oh, we did. So, y'all fucked me. No, literally. Y'all fucked me hard. Didn't even give me coupons. I'm the only one of the three boys that did the coupon thing. No, literally. You all fucked me hard. Didn't even give me coupons. I'm the only one of the three boys that did the coupon thing. I told you.

I told you I wasn't going to do it. No. I think Kyle's going to do it for next week. I don't know. He just sent me a message saying they've been busy and they're going to get to it. So it depends whether Brandon listens, but my girlfriend listens and I got a whole slate of texts on Monday because now she realized why I kept handing her coupons every time we fucked um to be fair so far the answer is is it weird or not no it is not weird because the first time she was like oh awesome coupons and she's like oh i don't

like harvey's that was it second time she was like oh great yeah i'll put these on my desk at work which made me really sad because they were my Subway coupons. And I wanted to use them. And for this fucking podcast, I put my Subway happiness on the line. So thanks. Thanks for that, guys. So, yeah, it's officially not weird. It's not weird.

It's our first experiment. Yeah. I will post up on those texts maybe because they're pretty funny. Yeah, they're pretty funny yeah they're pretty good you're a hero by the way I love you thank you very much for listening you're welcome and it's

it's almost the end of the year it's wild it's almost the end of the fucking decade it's true we're almost in the 20s baby we're almost into the first decade i think we didn't that does start off with our podcast existing i think it uh it it's gonna like i think we're just gonna revert back to the black and white ages no we're gonna fix everything because hindsight is 2020 oh i mean yeah i mean we got a presidential election

so we'll see what happens there don't fuck it up again guys hindsight's 20-20 hindsight this couldn't be a more aptly named year you fine people we love you everyone in America we love you so much and we love your country so much

don't fuck this for us please do good if you have a question for us you can find us on many different ways. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com. You can also send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Oh, yeah.

Thank you to Max and Sage if you guys have started listening to this episode. If not, when you get to this episode, thanks. Yo, what up? Yo, what up also. Thank you to Josh Eagle and those Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. And now, I'm going to get comfortable. All right. So, guys, you remember last week I told you about the bad sex writing awards that were being announced yesterday?

Well, they were announced. And guess what? The one we read last week, it was one of two winners because, of course, it was. So are we going through the rest, Dane, and you're going to tell me which one wins or am I just going to read it to you? No, just read me the thing. The winner? Yeah. All right.

Well, I picked last week's one because I thought it was pretty much the fucking worst. So it was half right. So I guess after over a year of fucking studying this shit, I can get it. I also love some people when they win, they're really chill about it. Other people when they win are really salty. And they invite like the authors to this award ceremony and like give them a prize and that's fucking great but some people are like well i guess i can lead the horse to water but i can't make a critic think about what they're reading that was one quote um because like let me tell you one of my favorite stories uh i don't know if i've ever talked about my love of duane the rock johnson um but i adore the man he's amazing and i think that my world

will crumble if it ever comes out that he is a dick a terrible person um but he literally went to accept uh his razzie for baywatch like and and and did so humbly and i respect a man who can like i i think that's really funny. If you can do a thing and look at me like, yeah, I've done so many things that I either fucked up or did badly or tried and was just off the fucking mark. Hell, there's probably some episodes of this podcast

that if not all... No. Yeah. Maybe. I don't... Also, it hurts me a little bit as an artist that people who are writing these novels think that they're creating like pure art yeah like like there's got to be some sort of like self-awareness and being

like if i'm writing erotica i know i'm not like the pinnacle well these these are sex scenes in like literary stories like none of these are erotica these are all like chart-topping literary oh yeah remember i told you there was all the books and shit were like and the bestsellers in indigo last year they were erotica no these are literary novels man like some of these are some of the most like well thought of writers of the fucking age right now they're the ones winning fucking actual awards i'm no longer comfortable ever no steffy that's just some bullshit erotica this shit is actual like like james fray is up there being a big big shot and his sex writing sucks you can quote me on that no all right ready so this ready? Mm-hmm. So this is the other winner.

This is Pax by John Harvey. She gave a yet deeper moaning sigh. Like breathing in, he saw the word he had said shiver and expand inside her. Her arms moved now and flexed. Out of here, Venus de Milo.

He watched the death life fill her growingly. She grabbed and caressed him with more muscle, more zest than ever before. Her long lean arms were spider arms, while her kisses roved and dug. I see it, he said. You are the female praying mantis, devouring her mate. I am, you are. I shall eat every shred of you, mouthful by mouthful. Exactly. Ah, but boy, you taste good. She licked her lips and pulled him close, but now he was clasping, too. It was a kind of slow wrestling, and they were knitting each other into a loose, slipping knot. He was

upside down over her, loving her bush, and lick-kissing like eating her inner thighs. To the last, they loved fully and later lay back. She did not chazzer. Their arms stirred in luxurious, desultory twining. I really hope that I'm just gonna end with her ripping his head off. Uh,

should've. Yeah. It's the only way that would've gone down smooth for me. Loving her bush. Loving it. Hey man.

That's probably the best part of the whole thing. I mean, there's nothing wrong with just enjoying. I think I've come to the point in my life where like it's so rare that like i encounter pubic hair that like anytime i used to i'd be like yeah what's up i don't give a fuck like i hate when people are like i'm so sorry i haven't shaved i'm like if anyone gives you

shit for this yeah they suck also fucking if anyone gives a fuck fuck that don't fuck them you know what i mean it doesn't matter yeah it does not matter as i'm saying it's like most people most people i've ever slept with would shave and like every now and then i'd get that one that one rogue rogue uh rogue bush and be like yo what up what's going on nice to see you let me get in there do you have a damn for us you know what i don't think we've done that in a while we didn't do one last week yeah so i'm gonna no he hasn't he hasn't done something in since october 13th oh shit it's almost two months oh no you know what is happening do we run him out of business no he's powering up again oh no remember last time yeah he went but like he posted 12 tweets in one day about like his various like, I don't know, male heroes, but then deleted them all.

So I don't know if Dan has just like glitched. Has he been there like a program this whole time? He's one of those like sneaky AIs. Okay, here's Dan being slightly introspective for once. Why do I want my ex back? Five questions to ask yourself to find the real reason why. Goddamn.

Let's hope for him yet. Is there? Because I don't think any of those answers are probably, or even the questions are any good. And as usual, I've got a little pile of cleans, something, something to let us, uh, you know, ruminate on, um, and something to, to get Dan out of our mind. Uh, this comes from porn abuser.

Oi mate, got a pen? And they say, I can almost feel the haunting presence of my ancestors looking down on me in disturbance and disappointment. My name is Dane Miller. I love that song from Pocahontas. But my name is Niles Payne. And we are... Go fuck buddies.