F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 64 - Exit Pursued By Bear (Named Gary)

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

This week we drink wine and argue about what kind of clothing Shrek wears.  Topics include bossy reds, meme deal breakers, freeloading sex critique, trash dick, saying the wrong name, and Dain's favourite bad sex writing yet.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is D- oh my god How did that happen? What the fuck was that? Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller.

And I'm Lyle Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. Ooh. We are fancy wine boys today. And this is a dating and sex advice podcast. Where we take your sticky sexy situations. And turn them into sexy sticky situations. Sultry sticky situations

i mean i got this for free at a portuguese wine and something event i don't know spicy yeah it's like literally spice box um you can really taste dad's wallet when i was uh when i was training to be uh to open a like really fancy like fine dining fusion restaurant. We had to do an 80-bottle wine tasting thing. And one of the notes on one of the wines, which is actually probably one of my favorite wines that we had, was Dad's wallet. That's wild. Yeah.

And I think it was just meant to be old leather. Yeah, yeah. But it just sounds like your dad bought it for you? Yeah. I was actually talking yesterday about your like my favorite uh like wine description convention that you do where you describe wines as things like ludicrous that are like bossy yeah bossy red confident uh it's the best and everyone at the table was also bartenders and also appreciated it and now also does it yeah man like if you ever

this is my little i know we're dating sex advice podcast but here's a little bartender advice if someone asks you wine like my wine knowledge is is garbage like i could talk to you all day about beer and shit but like wine i don't know anything about it i know like the minimum amount about it uh and anytime anyone's like oh what's what's the malbec like uh it's a bossy red and it's so vague but also fairly specific enough that like people will assume that they don't know what that means as opposed to that i don't know what that means where like you can then like if you then get that wine you're gonna be like bossy what does that mean oh maybe it's the full body oh maybe it's like the, like it's kind of assertive. Maybe it's the color. Maybe it's this. You then get to apply bossy to however you see it.

Yeah. And it's gotten me through like four years of bartending. Yeah. Well, it's funny because if someone has good wine knowledge, they're not asking you. And if they don't, they don't want to admit it. So realistically, unless you say something that's just blatantly wrong, they're never going to challenge you on it. That's the thing.

It's like I don't like yes or no questions. Like if someone's like, oh, is that Chardonnay Oaked? You can't be like, it's oakish because it either is or it isn't. But if someone just asks you, you know, what is that like, bossy? Just a bossy red. What's up? Let's go. All right. Well, we should probably get into let's do it other things do you want to start off um yeah you know what i'm going to start off with

the question that i've been copying and pasting into my fucking little uh my document and i've been waiting for the right time and i think you know what concerning the other questions i have on this list i'm going to start with it this This comes from Reddit user Bright Medium. Is not liking the same memes as you a deal breaker? Maybe I've just been on Reddit too long, and my sense of humor has gradually degraded over the years. Dot, dot, dot. That's it? That's it.

That's all we got. Well, the thing is, we've seen this before, right? Like the husband that wanted to clap alien cheeks. Wifey didn't like those memes. No, she did not. And guess what? Now they're both dead yeah he drove them right into area 51 51 jesus yeah i was gonna say 64 i think 69 yeah maybe i yeah

jesus my bro i'm also brain dead today like i've had a shitty day so uh we're also prepared for me to we mentioned we're drinking wine right right? Yes, we talked about Boston. Never mind. Man, I'm also... Whoa, this is going to be a real fine episode. Boys and girls and everything in between and outside of, buckle up. Motherfuckers. Stupid bitches.

We're bringing you down. We're going down. You're coming with us. Yep. Yeah. Wait, what was the exact phrase they used? Is it like a deal breaker? Is not liking the same memes as you a deal breaker?

No. No. I think it's really good if you guys do like the same memes. However, what if they just have a meme dealer who's quicker than you are? So, like, you send them this you know what your finest meme but they've already gotten that two days ago from claire that's literally my relationship with amanda amanda will send me memes i'm like i'm on reddit like i've seen this i've seen this years ago this is not a new thing for me yeah me me and adam have a very strong meme

relationship so if i haven't seen a meme, it's because he fucked up. Yeah, it's like... And if anyone else sends me a meme, I've already seen it. Unless it's like a very specific, like, fandom-oriented meme. Like, I probably haven't seen, like, I haven't seen a single meme regarding My Hero Academia. Like, because I don't fucking care. Okay. Yeah, so just make sure.

Is it that someone else is getting there first and they do like your memes? You got to make sure that's not the case. Or there's two ways this goes. One, if you guys like, on a very serious note, sense of humor is really important. If you guys don't have the same sense of humor, your relationship is probably not going to be great. Unless you then get to introduce each other to two differing sets yes of senses of humor which is the best if you're like maybe you can be her meme dealer you can turn her into a sick meme queen or him i don't know who this person is or them or whatever this thing like amanda really

likes like you know animal memes that are about like chunks and stuff oh yeah you know what i mean it's like i appreciate them but like they don't that's not really my my meme of choice but when i see it i get really excited because i'm like i can get i get to send this to amanda you know what i mean and it's like you don't necessarily have to appreciate the same memes but if you can look at one and be like my partner will will love the hell out of this meme you then get to be sort of like this this weird sort of like meme connoisseur and you learn what memes are going to to to you know make your your someone laugh if they know the same thing y'all can just laugh together and you can introduce each other to different types humor so like if it's if you're dating someone who's like open and like maybe

isn't like oh yeah this is exactly the kind of meme I would, you know, fuck with all day, every day. But they still are open to like enjoying it or like getting your enjoyment out of it. Then this is great. But if you're with someone who's kind of like a little bit closed off and it's just like that's childish or that's stupid, that's then you got a problem. And if they just don't want memes at all then kill them that's the end they don't yeah they're done yeah it's like i'm sorry this isn't 2010 anymore yeah yeah this isn't chain letters and hotmail anymore all right this is meme city yeah 2020 you're the meme yeah things are so random we get it not anymore they're fucking memes memes are not random they're

specific they have in fair meaning yeah it's not you know alternating caps in your msn fucking handle yeah unless it's a meme about that yeah unless it's about msn memes yeah man i've ever talked about the like waves of nostalgia that i get every now and then i'll find i'll come across like a youtube video of just msn noises that's super weird oh man do you guys have msn yeah fuck you of course i don't know i don't know if like ireland had you know was the preferred thing was like you know aim or fucking icq yeah you're right you're right uh yeah we had msn msn was the big thing yeah every like msn was everybody's goddamn life you know yeah because all my all my american friends

used aim yeah like hey well as a messenger um you had a question yeah so yeah it could be cool i don't know all right uh if they don't like memes they're garbage and if they don't like your memes maybe it's a chance to expand their horizons or maybe it's their turn to introduce you to a new form of humor if you guys can like expand each other's lives by accepting each other's differing kind of like things you find humorous. Great. If you're closed off and unwilling to, you know, if it's just like that's dumb, that's not funny. Then, yeah, maybe that's a good indication.

You'll never go to the movies together. You'll never go see theater together. Exactly. Like if you, if you can't. Also, just if someone's that closed off, probably shouldn't date them anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Are you ready? Mm-hmm. I'm going to inject a little bit of juice. Oh, shit. This is by Bam and Dunn. Oh, no. My husband and I's short-term roommate, respective ages of 32, 26, and 26. So, husband, 32.

Yeah. 26-year-old wife. And 26-year-old short- So husband, 32. Yeah. 26-year-old wife. And 26-year-old short-term roommate. Yes. Yeah. You got that? Yep. Okay.

Our short-term roommate heard us having sex and started commenting on how quick it was. Approximately two months ago, we allowed someone to move into our home while they searched for a new home. Everything has been fine and dandy since they moved in. There haven't been any issues. My husband and I haven't had sex often because I'm extremely self-conscious about sexual things. I do not like any kind of PDA past holding hands and a quick kiss. I feared the roommate would hear us and it made for an uncomfortable thought for me.

Recently, my husband is going through a hard situation, so I've tried to ease some stress by being more active. We also have three kids who can get out of bed multiple times a night at the risk of them walking in or knocking on the doors high. Normally, our sessions are quick and to the point unless we we are by ourselves the other night was a short session we were both tired and the kids had already been back up twice once done our roommate started texting my husband things like one pump chump and commenting on how quick we were done made me incredibly uncomfortable and actually hurt my feelings for my husband because it would not be like that if we weren't if it weren't for other circumstances but regardless i shouldn't have to justify quick sex right we haven't had sex since husband doesn't know how uncomfortable it made me i'm not sure how to tell him honestly at this point i want the

roommate out of my house it feels like all intimacy and privacy is gone i'm not sure how to handle the situation oh 100 i mean you extend a courtesy when you invite people into your home. And if that courtesy is not repaid, I would say like there's a multiplier. You know what I mean? You have to be extra courteous when someone is doing something, especially that's like the alternative is you being homeless. Yeah. You don't get to say shit. You should be washing their dishes.

You know what I mean? You should be taking the garbage out. You should be doing everything that you can. You should literally be running interference of the kids. you know what i mean you should be taking the garbage out you should be doing everything that you can you should literally be running interference so these like of the kids you know what i mean you should take them out every now and then so they have a mcdonald's so this couple can get their fucking bone down yeah to ah like even if it's such a shitty thing to do yeah like i just don't understand what would like i think it's generally like like i would love to know if this is his friend. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Because like, if it's his friend who was, you know what I mean? And they have a history of, you know, making fun of each other. And yeah. And he knew. And then it just so happened that like she saw the text and that sort of, you know what I mean? Like triggered her insecurities. That's a different story.

Like if that if those comments were never meant to make its way to his wife's ears yeah okay i i can kind of understand that but yeah but considering the ages are 26 and 26 i'm going to assume it's the wife's friend maybe i doesn't add the details yeah i don't know but like even still yeah like i feel like unless uh unless you have a very specific like it's kind of just weird in general like imagine if you're i was just like hey how'd you fucking it's like you just kind of like let it go yeah it's not one of those things you talk about like your roommate doesn't come out of your room you go oh hey how was the sex yeah even even in a good way you're not like it's one of those things you just don't

comment on it's like if you're taking a shit and someone can hear it you don't go like oh sounds like you got some diarrhea like you just don't right i mean yeah it's like i lived with my roommate for four years and i promise you he heard me have sex and not once did he ever comment on my performance yeah i don't because he is a normal human being who understands how like society works baseline kindness yeah or basically like politeness i mean we've we we had a giggle every now and then if someone was particularly loud but that's different it's very different at no point in time was he like hmm it sounded like she went quiet around the four minute mark. You must have been doing something she didn't really like. Yeah.

Or even just like, oh, why did you last so much less long today? Like, I've been tracking. Yeah. I have it written on my wall. If you look at my Xprel sheet. Yeah. Xprel? Xprel.

My, yeah, I don't know. The sex tracking app that we made? Yes. It's like Excel, but for sex. You would think I would call it Sexcel. Yeah, no. Ex-pro. Ex-pro is...

Dane gets a veto every year, and I guess he'd been holding on to his. I said sex-el, he said, nope, ex-pro. Ex-pro. That's what will get people going. Yeah, it's a terrible, shitty, weird thing. But also, how can you ever now have sex without feeling like you're on stage judging? If you make a noise, you're going to be like, a terrible shitty weird thing it's like but also like how can you ever now have sex without feel

like you're on stage judging like if you make a noise yeah you're gonna be like oh was that too loud was it performative was it not loud enough like oh did i not sound like i was enjoying it on that moan maybe i should be yeah no i think if i knew someone was listening to me again taking a shit or whatever every like fart every tinkle would be like, oh, no. I'd be like, ah, did I wash my hands long enough? Did they hear me press the soap? Maybe I'll press the soap extra loud. Oh, no, I sprayed it on my pants.

Now it looks like I came myself. Yeah. Do they think I cum when I poo? But you don't. Not all the time. Yeah, I don't think you're in the wrong at all for wanting this person out of your house. I think at least two months, right, that they've been there? I think so.

They've overstepped. Yeah, they've overstayed and they've overstepped. I think at that point it's like, hey, we have three kids. Yeah. We're a married adult couple and we have three kids. I'm sorry, you're going to have to move on. Yeah. Two months is a long fucking time.

That's a long time to look after someone. Yeah. And unless they're family, even still, even family, that's a long time. Just having someone up in your space. I imagine you don't have a whole lot of, like three kids, unless you have a giant fucking house. Yeah. Like three kids is enough to take up a lot of space so unless you've you're you know rocking like a you know mansion yeah an uncle phil mansion style yeah i i think it's i don't think you're time you have it doesn't have to you don't necessarily

have to be like hey your sex critique has kicked you out i think i think you can literally you know at some point like breakfast or something be, hey, it's getting cramped here. It's a bit disruptive for the kids and our day-to-day life. Obviously, we're not going to throw you out right away. But, like, in a week, we're going to need you to find a new place. Yeah. Or, like, by the end of the month. Yeah.

Because that's usually how, like, rentals go or whatever. But, like, still, you just can't, you know, can't have someone live there indefinitely, especially when they're doing things that are like that, you know, that's just ingracious and weird. Oh, 100%. Because even if it is a joke, you're still saying, I'm listening to you having sex. I'm listening to you have sex. Yeah.

And like, that's not even like a passing like remark. Even if he was just like, well, you had sex, that would still be weird. But he's timed you. Yeah. It's like, you're never going to be able to have sex without that in the back of your head. It's hard enough to not feel like you're imposing on someone's space when

you're just there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like he's actively trying to impose on your private time. Yeah. And now he is actively intentionally imposing. Yeah. That's the thing is like,

if I was staying in a place i would be trying so hard to be a ghost yeah like just to be completely out of the way anything like even even normal rational things like i'd feel bad going to the fridge and getting a glass of orange juice if you know what i mean like i would just be and i've done that like i've i've stayed with friends before and you feel like a piece of shit because you know it sucks no matter how much you love someone you're not having any like again unless they're like or are the in-house nanny and babysitter like they haven't said anything in terms of like or what arrangement they have no so i'm gonna under go under the assumption that like they're just doing it at his favor they're there

and not getting anything in return and if that's the case, you worship the fucking ground that these people walk on. And, like, it might just be my, you know, social anxieties and stuff. But, like, I do that when I, if I go over to someone's house, I make sure that, like, I'm doing everything properly and that I'm not overstepping bounds and that I'm not. Yeah, just general politeness, right? Like, the things... I remember when, like, every now and then, people I would invite over to my house, like, would just go into my fridge and, like, you know, get a Twinkie. I'm like, that was mortifying to me.

I didn't give a shit. Didn't matter, because that's what they were there for. Yeah. But, like, I would never do that. Oh, God, no. I would never go into someone's fridge without... If I'm at, like, even when I'm at yours for Christmas and your mom's like, hey, do you want to hear a coffee?

I'm like, no. I'm dying for a coffee. But, like, I feel like a dick for... I'm not even asking. I'm just answering. And I'm like, no Christmas. And your mom's like, Hey, do you want to hear a coffee? I'm like, no, I'm dying for a coffee. But like, I feel like a dick for, I'm not even asking. I'm just answering. And I'm like, yeah,

no, she's a wise woman though. She's like, you do that. She'll make you one anyway. Yeah. My mom does not care about consent when it comes to food and beverage. Yeah.

It's just, don't be a dick. You're being a dick. Not you, not your mom, not the tea, Not the tea. Not the coffee. This person who's timing his friend's sex

and fucking with them. You're like, no. It's terrible. Yeah. Yeah, get them out of here. And if you're in someone else's space, don't time their sex.

Don't talk about their sex. Don't talk about their sex. Don't even, like, you... Like, even if they're having stupid loud awful painful sex you can hear it's their home yeah they're allowed to do whatever they want i was gonna say like if you want to talk to them about keeping it down blah blah wait it's their home they can do whatever the fuck they want yeah you don't bring it up they can be as a favor yeah no they they could literally fuck against your room they can fuck in your room while you were there and you'd say thank you yes i mean maybe you offer to clean it up yeah yeah you get them a hot fucking towel

yeah so they can clean up afterwards you get them some like lavender soap some lavender towel you know those hot face masks yeah i don't know you run them a hot bath yeah so they can have some romantic time after the fact yeah they need some fluffing? You grateful bitch. Yeah, no, that's terrible. This comes from Reddit user ProgressPolitum. GF says, oh, that actually feels good in certain position. I might be reading too much into this. GF and I just had what I think was fantastic sex. Earlier in it, she says, you know you're like a god in bed, right?

What the fuck ever. But she comes and gets into position you know you're like a god in bed, right? What the fuck ever. But she comes and gets into position she knows that I like so that I can come. While we're doing it, she says the titular thing. Oh, that actually feels really good. That hurts. Like she doesn't expect it to feel good or that it usually doesn't. Am I reading too much into it? Because my go-to thought is that my dick is trash and she's surprised it could actually feel good in that position. She's on her side for reference. Tell me I'm onto something or being dumb.

Thanks. Oh, man, I want I want to hear how she said it, because that is that is where the key to this all lies, because it's like, oh, that that actually feels good. That actually feels good. Oh, like there's like, oh, that oh, that actually feels good actually feels good like there's like oh that oh that actually feels good oh like you could just be like this feels good and like maybe you're awkward about it or like it's weird phrasing or whatever but like if something feels good in sex i would i would argue that you are probably at your least articulate exactly the stupid shit that i've said during sex or like whatever like i can i can pretty much manage like i'm gonna come like that those that's as eloquent as i get when things are feeling real good i'm not fucking spitting out shakespearean prose but you're not it's weird i mean if it doesn't feel good yeah if i'm fucking reciting hamlet

yeah you know you're not doing a good job. Yeah. That's like when I start, yeah. It's like my reverse safe word. Merchant of Venice, when I start getting into that, you know that maybe your hands are a little scratchy. Maybe you're just like a little too much, a little too little. Yeah. King Lear, too much teeth.

True. True. Romeo and Juliet, it's just like it's a body odor thing, you know? You just need a quick spritz of perfume, maybe a shower. I don't know. If I start talking about exiting Pursued by a Bear. There's a gay man in my house and he's chasing me. Yeah, that's, you know.

But I'm not sure if I like it or not yet. That's the thing. That one's, it's not necessarily negative. It's just a heads up. It's just a heads up. It's a polite heads up. Yeah. Oh, hey, just so you know,

there's a large, hairy gay man in my closet named Gary and if he comes out, I'm going to run because we have a deal. He can live in there. Every now and then,

he chases me. Yeah. He can't catch me. Yeah. He is also timing our sex. He will come for me at some point. Might not be today.

Might not be today. Might not be today. Might not be tomorrow. But one day, Gary will emerge. Meanwhile, he's timing all my sex and putting it in order. Into X-Pro. So, yeah. He's actually our troubleshooter for X-Pro. Oh, I'm going to imagine that this is a case of being very self-conscious.

If your first fucking thought is your dick is trash. My dick is trash. Whoa, bud. That was a big leap to go from. In my experience with sex, I don't think anyone has ever called me a god in bed, you know, just to inflate an ego. Like that's, that's a very specific, like if you feel like you've just had great sex and someone is like, you are a fucking God. That's, that's not really something you say.

Like, yeah. Sometimes people will maybe pretend they like something more than they did. Yeah. Or maybe sometimes, you know, whatever. That's where they did yeah, or maybe sometimes you know whatever There's no like excess moans or like yeah I mean like oh, baby that feels so good like that kind of stuff like no one is leaving good like back Like no one's leaving shitty sex turning to you mean like oh your god Yeah, but like a weird thing to say also made it if they were committing that hard to the lie that your garbage

Dick can satisfy them, guess what? They wouldn't be like, huh, that actually, oh my god, let me call Frank, because for once, this feels good. Yeah. I'm like, whoa, hold on. Also, like, unless you were doing something wildly different, what's, like, did you do something brand new? Yeah. No, it was your dick. It was going into them, I assume.

Were you stirring them like hot soup? Like, you know yourself. Like, unless you've done something just so fucking different to what you usually do, then guess what? It was probably just awkward phrasing that you completely, like, lost the plot over. Also, it's like, it could just, yeah, it could have just been like you know me and her saying that like oh that there it is yeah you've done it right there don't stop doing that yeah and it just she just used the wrong word that you he did though oh 100 100 he stopped 100 he did something different yeah um

so i would just chill and like, maybe try to communicate. You just like, instead of being like, Hey, my dick's trash and you're lying to me. Maybe say, Hey, while we were having sex today, it seemed like you really enjoyed me doing something. What was it? So we can like do it again. That's the positive way to move forward in this like mental shit storm. This just screams that you have all kinds of

insecurities regarding sex. Which is fine. And maybe your penis size or whatever. We've all been there. Yeah. I'm pretty sure there's not a single guy or person in the world who isn't massively insecure about sex. Yeah. At least at some point. Yeah. I mean like many points. You know again

I've had a bunch of sex and I'm very confident in my sexual prowess but i still have insecurities 100 you know what i mean like it was years of me being very insecure yeah there were times when i put my boxers on immediately after sex because i felt weird having a soft dick around someone yeah like these things happen it's totally cool yeah you're allowed to be insecure but what you're not allowed to do is sort of not get clarification on something and then throw your insecurities in a negative fashion onto someone else. You can't manifest that as anger or disappointment or anything else onto someone

until you've talked about it. Also, this sounds like he's so bitter. Like, what fucking ever? You know what I mean? Yeah. Dude, she said a nice thing to you twice. and also this sounds like he's so bitter like what fucking ever you know what i mean yeah dude she said a nice thing to you twice well okay i'm glad you brought that because i forgot to talk about it it's like so she gives you a compliment and your reaction is yeah whatever what the fuck ever yeah she says something that could be mis you know uh could be taken as a you know slight

towards you and you immediately believe that You don't believe the good things, but you immediately believe the bad things, which is a sign of... Also, it's not even really a bad thing. No. It's a good thing that might possibly imply a conspiracy that every other time is wrong. Yeah.

Because of one word. Yeah. Because of one word, you're doubting every moment you've ever used your garbage dick. Yeah. So it's like any positive reinforcement you've ever used your garbage dick yeah so it's like any positive reinforcement you've ever received you have found a way to take it negatively yeah and that is a hundred percent on you yeah and that is something that you need to address whether

through therapy or counseling or through a conversation with your partner thinking about it right or yeah or some being conscious and realize yeah yeah like you can once you know you're doing it and you like if you take the time to try and you know yeah like you can once you know you're doing it and you like if you take the time to try and you know acknowledge that you can probably you might be able to work through yourself if not there's therapy there's counseling there's all these things but also just like you're gonna fuck things up with this relationship for you and her while you're reflecting on this take a second take another step back and see if like if this sort of uh you know marinates into other aspects of your fucking relationship does like when she you know tells you you look

good or when she like how much of her reinforcement and positive attitude are you just twisting in your little negativity blender and turning into insults or criticisms or you know what i mean like because it seems like like if you were all you've said about her is that she positively reinforces you on things that most people are insecure about yeah it seems like she's a very very very good partner especially when it comes to sex she has said maybe not the best word choices but again you're still positive like it's still it, she still said that you are doing well. Yeah. Also, you said she got in a position that you like to help make you come.

Yeah. Good partner. Yep. Like. And that's the thing. It's like, maybe, maybe that's not her favorite position. And that's fine. That could be a truth.

Like, maybe, maybe she usually loves a different position, knows you like this gets into it and for some reason it was actually really doing the fur that day yeah that's cool just because she doesn't like a position doesn't mean you have a garbage dick yeah and and just because she's saying it actually feels good doesn't mean it doesn't always feel you know i mean like it just might like like you said it might just been you might just been getting that right angle today and you know i mean like even the rhythm could have been the i'm sure there could just be more worked up than usual it could have been anything yeah i'm sure there are positions that you might not be crazy about well very clearly because you have a preferred position to to come in yeah so she knows that about you does that mean you don't like does she have a garbage vagina if you dislike other fucking uh positions it's like same point is her vagina

garbage except in this position no no i very much doubt you ever think that if you do i'm sorry you suck yeah yeah just like you take a breath and like try and move forward positively like have a talk be like hey you really enjoyed this thing instead of does that mean you hate everything else yeah don't go about it that shitty negative route like acknowledge the positives and like try have a fucking chat yep all right well we got one that's kind of similar in a sense hi this is by throw ra sad hi Hi. 25-year-old female. Ruined a romantic weekend on my boyfriend, 23-year-old male. Said he needs space. Hasn't texted me in two days.

Is my relationship done? We will use fake names. Me, Jane. Boyfriend, Mike. Ex-boyfriend, Adam. Mike and I booked a nice hotel for last weekend, December 6th to 8th, in the city, and we were planning to enjoy it together. Us having been dating for six months. We started having sex on Saturday, and it just got really intense.

He started dirty talking, and I did too. And during sex, he said, Jane, I fucking love you. I don't know why, but I said my ex's name instead of his, and said, oh, Adam, I love you too, and I love when you fuck me. I know I made a big mistake because their names are really different. I don't know what I was thinking. I probably wasn't at the time. It's worse because Mike and I actually ran into Adam a week or two ago but mike is much more good looking and better

in bed so i know it's not an insecurity of his when i said that he literally got off me started putting his clothes on told me he needed space he started packing his things even though we had two more nights booked this super expensive hotel i got a little upset and tried to hug him and bring him back but he just pushed me back on the bed and said to leave me alone since i texted him a long apology but he hasn't replied to me in two days he hasn't even read my message what should i do he's been so good to me and i can't bear to lose him now oh man this is this is not good this is sex brain again i would imagine where like her saying actually feels good it was probably just, an awkward not using your brain because you're fucking and it's not on the topic. You know what I mean?

Or. Or. She was thinking of him. Maybe. You know what I mean? It's, like, it's not uncommon for the mind to wander during sex. Or just, like, but, like, you can also just say dumb shit. Like you said,

dumb shit. We just talked about this. And it's like, it's also, six months is not long. No, it's not. The breakup is probably,

I don't know how long it was between the ex and the current boyfriend, but like you get into a rotation or like a rhythm of things. So if you're used to it, if this is sort of like your first time having sex is probably also the first time, you know what I mean? Like your brain associates muscle memories and sensational memories and stuff like that. So like if this is the first time you guys have started having sex, which sounds like they just started having sex that Saturday or something, right?

They've been dating for six months. Yeah. But go into the part where they have sex. We were having sex on Saturday. It just got really intense. Oh, I thought you said you said no i thought i said we started having sex no okay yeah you're totally right muscle memory for example i i work in a bar i drop food and drinks off of people's tables and i'm like oh enjoy enjoy enjoy yeah someone goes hey where's the bathrooms i'm like oh they're just down over there and they're like okay cool i'm like enjoy

oh god yeah that's weird and they look at me and they're like that's bathrooms? I'm like, oh, they're just down over there. They're like, okay, cool. I'm like, enjoy. Oh, God. Yeah. That's weird. And they look at me, and they're like, that's weird. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm used to saying it over and over again. Oh, yeah. It's like when people are like, oh, Theater 8 down the hall. Thank you.

Enjoy your movie. You too. Nope. Exactly. It's one of those things. Like, I get it. You hear someone say someone else's name, and you get upset. You hear someone else, you get insecure. You think they're thinking of them.

You think you're not good enough. You think all these things. People make mistakes. Get over it. If it keeps happening, sure. Here's the thing. If she's going for secret Adam weekends and then calls you by his name. There are things you can be worried about.

A name slip is not. I think, here's my thing, I think we can sit here on our thrones with our glasses of wine and say how easy it is to forgive this. However, I think six months into a relationship, I don't think I would know enough about their past relationship to know that this isn't going to be a problem in the future. I don't know if I'm walking into a place who hasn't uh who still hasn't gotten over her ex-boyfriend yeah but like that will be an issue that will come up anyway whereas like one name slip does not warrant this but i got shit to do if i've already invested six months into a person they can't get my name right during

sex i'm not going i don't know if i would be willing to but it's one slip up but that's again if it keeps happening sure again if there are other things to worry about sure six months is long enough that you probably have an idea about it is about this thing i don't know like my girlfriend called me by her ex once right not not during sex just while we were like going into my building she called me her mom the other day she called me mom that's a weird thing man you know what i don't think was that during sex no it was uh to be fair she was like we're watching tv and she fell asleep and i was like just before that i was like hey let's not watch this because i feel like you're about to fall asleep she's like no it's cool and then she fell immediately asleep and I was like hey

are you asleep she's like no mom I'm not and I was like it's not me and it was very funny but like those things don't mean anything

no it's like you can fuck up and it's fine I know I know have never done it fucking high five

have you nope oh man we're so good I know um um I feel like now we're both going to do it

oh we're definitely because we're like it's in our our psyche now nah I I literally have to think for a second and be like

what was my accident oh yeah there we go yeah this thing I don't know no yeah I mean like the only one would be is like the one

that I run into frequently frequently with Amanda because we go to the same karaoke like that would be the only risk but like even then it's yeah I don't't know but now that i said that i know i fucked myself yeah uh so next week dan's gonna be single yeah it'll be a nice new dynamic for the podcast it'll be weird no uh i i think this person overreacted yes i i don't know if i would have just stormed

out and left right away but but I definitely would have. I definitely think with six months, I think I would, if I'm being honest, really give it a hard think. I would really give it a tough think and be like, is it worth spending more time with someone who might still have feelings or think of me as a replacement to this guy? No. One would be fine fine it would be funny i would laugh it off yeah but i don't know like again if it kept happening if

if there was more to it sure which leads me to wonder is there more to it i mean that's the thing is that this seems a little fucking dramatic that's the thing. Because this seems a little fucking dramatic. That's the thing. For me, as someone who, again, I'm operating under the mentality of when I'm single. And that is that I, or like, are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. They're boyfriend and girlfriend of six months. Of six months. So I'm assuming they've been together a little bit before.

They dated a little longer. But what I'm wondering is maybe she's not telling us about maybe how that meeting went with yeah people also i think it's very bold of her to assume that he's not at all threatened by this ex that is a wild assumption yeah just because you think he's better in bed just because he's great in bed he does not know how good adam is exactly unless you open up your expel expel sheet and show him the graph of adam's sexual prowess time you don't know how intense those times were yeah exactly you need to add on yeah yeah the dlc for exprel exactly it connects your fitbit yeah i mean that's the thing it's like it doesn't matter how attractive or

unattractive your new partner is that's also what you think you don't know what they think of themselves or adam yeah they don't know what they think of themselves or Adam. They don't know. Like, that is such a bold claim. I love how you're just like, oh, forget that. That can't be possible. Guess what?

It is probably exactly what's happening. Yes, 100%. Especially, like, even, honestly, even if I ran into, if I knew Amanda had, let's go, like, real basic here, and Amanda and I have just started dating fairly recently and we run into her most recent ex and he is literally shrek that makes it worse because he's got some secret ex back exactly i would still there would still

be the that sort of like bullshit machismo you know male you know thing that makes me want to be like i have to compare myself to you and i think it's everybody does that yeah like there's no way there's there's all this sort of immediate sort of like i'm gonna size you up and i'm gonna compare yourself like from the top of your fucking head to the bottom of your fucking feet and i'm gonna run through like a list of what you have better than me and what i have better than you and then i'm gonna try to like fill in the blanks of your downstairs region which i cannot see hopefully um you pants let's wear you shrek uh does shrek wear pants he wears pants he's got the brown ones like a skirt right oh he's got brown shorts on shorts i'm pretty sure or brown pants i'm pretty sure he has like a all right we're gonna tunic he's got like a he's got like a white tunic he's got like a beige

shirt and he's got a brown vest and brown pants or maybe they're green pretty sure he has a dress he doesn't have a white dress on he totally has a dress on look yeah but he's got pants on or he's got he's got brown skin cancer man he's a weird looking motherfucker right oh man who designed you oh no why is that there oh man this is a shrek fan cast okay i don't even know what we're doing uh yeah no like you can't make that claim yeah you can't tell someone what they're not insecure about no not at all and you're definitely wrong yeah 100 especially now that you've said his name during sex if he wasn't if he wasn't insecure he is now yeah he said you say adam that actually feels good what firstly so many problems and then you said but also that was too short and you take them off

an exprowl yeah i'm linking up all the questions today we did it yeah just i don't even know what the question is uh is your relationship done it sounds like it is yeah because he has caused why they stink over this like even just not talking for two days is pretty big. Walking out in a big expensive hotel after you've paid for it, that's pretty like, that's a big commitment. I feel like there's a lot of arguments that if I was on holidays, say, or like at someone's parents' house, say, or even like in a restaurant that like I'd ordered food,

like these are all situations that it would have to be very, very, very, very, very bad for me to have to leave these situations even if it sucked i would suffer through out of simply politeness or money or time i've invested right and then we talk about when we get home or some shit you know so the fact that he's just like a peace out or you could be really cool have the fight in an uber pool while that one guy who's just trying to get home oh man has to sit in the front seat and listen to you guys fucking whisper fight about it. You can do that, which is a really cool thing to do. Anyone whisper fighting in a communal fucking pool with you should be just slapped by Shrek. There should literally be ejector seats.

Yeah. That like a certain amount of like fight whispering just triggers. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but also I love Uber pools and they're fucking hilarious. I always make such weird friends um i never take them specifically for that reason so i think you need to go talk to them you need to very much let them know what happened like if it is literally just a brain fart just be like look i'm sorry i know this sucks i would probably be upset if you did it too but like it

meant nothing i just stupidly said a name because i wasn't thinking because your sex was so bomb i'm sorry please forgive me like this isn't a thing and if there is any hang-ups in the past like when you guys met was were you weird was he weird did something happen that like maybe has led to this has there been other issues in the past? Like, is there more context? If so, deal with that too. But like, if it's done, it's done. Like nothing you can do about that. But honestly, I think he's overreacting.

Yeah, it's tough. Just never speak during sex, guys. Yeah, just don't say words. You know, primal growls and moans only. This comes from Reddit user Dr. Pickled Egg. I, male 27, am worried about having sex with my girlfriend, female 31, on top because of my penis. Hi, bit of an odd one, but yeah. Her favorite sex position is being on top. I find other ways to make her orgasm, other sex positions, I go down on her a lot, etc, etc. But her being on top kind

of scares me because I have a really long, thick, curved penis. So if she moves too far back too soon, I am not flexible at all, and that'll hurt. And I'm also really worried about it being fractured, etc. She doesn't seem to mind me quickly stitching things up. But I need some advice on how to do this cautiously. If there are any guys in similar situations, She doesn't mind me quickly stitching things up? Switching. Oh, God. I was like, what? Baby, baby, baby, baby, you ripped my dick off.

Give me two seconds. Let me just stitch this bad boy up and we're good to go. Frank and Dick back in the building. Yeah, there's a lot of terror that happens when someone's on top because, as we've talked talked about your dick is a range of motion and that range of motion is an important parameter to stay within yeah because there's nothing more terrifying than when someone tries to take it past that especially quickly uh yeah i live in fear i love the adventurous woman who is like i'm gonna maneuver myself into a new sex

position it's like, I'm super pumped that you can do this, but you currently have something of mine inside of you that does not go that way. No, it's my valued naive, bossy... No.

It is fragile within certain limitations, and those limitations are not 90 degrees that way. Yeah. That didn't even make sense. You know what I mean. Don't snap my dick off, please. Please.

I think this is a very valid concern, but I also think you can just, like, tell them this. Uh-huh. Like, it's... Yep. It's... Stick with me. This is fucking... It's going gonna be one of our weirder solutions okay um when she wants to get on top you say okay all right you let her do it but then

you don't let her maybe lean too far back and if she starts to try just be like oh hold on or even just like tell her you can't lean back this far or you can't do this and just maybe like let her know what your range of motion is. Because I know this is also really weird. I'm going to imagine she also probably doesn't want to snap your dick. So you're saying to communicate? Yeah. You're saying like a communication.

Just like, yeah. Even just be involved somewhat. Like maybe don't just lie there. And it's crazy that we've done 64 episodes and we've never, we've never brought that up before. Well, if it made more sense, if it was more reasonable, yeah, we probably would have. But, like, I know I'm pushing the boat on this one. Like, this is probably our craziest idea. Look, I'm going to level with you.

It's wacky. Yeah. Look, this is what happens when we have some wine, all right? Yeah. We get crazy. But, like, hey, fucking try it like maybe just maybe just try it like maybe just talk to your sexual partner but not breaking your dick right like i don't know i don't know like you know you could just yeah you're right i'm sorry i can hear i can hear our

listeners getting pissed off about this one uh you're right you should just hope cross cross your fingers and just lean back and be like, here it goes. Close your eyes. Let's see what happens. Screw up your face and hope that she doesn't just decide to fucking do a whirlwind attack and unscrew. Because if she goes anti-clockwise, unscrew your dick right out. Yeah.

And you can't put it back in. No. It's a one-way screw. It's illegal um so i remember the just sheer terror the first time a woman decided she was gonna do like like the squat bounce maneuver kind of thing where like they're not on their knees but rather do that on fucking slippy silk sheets because someone tried once and i was like i'm no i'm using my one veto on this, and that's why I actually couldn't do 6L. That's why you couldn't do 6L.

But hey, I have a dick. By my time, I wait. I wait. I still have a dick. December. Yeah, I was just like, thankfully, they were very skilled, and they pulled it off. But I remember just the sheer terror, and probably the very brief erection loss that came with that terror. Of course.

It probably went very soft, very fast, and then was like, oh, like okay we're safe let's this is awesome let's get back into it nothing is worse for your boner than the terror of boner disfigurement yeah this is the last boner yeah like ironically could short your boner um the last bone bender yeah Yeah. Here's the thing. Oh? Yes. Absolutely tell her your concern about the range of motion. No, we've already decided that's wacky. Two, just because she's on top doesn't mean you don't have control. Exactly.

You can literally, like, you don't have to go limp and let her have her way with your dick. You don't have to cross your fingers, screw up your face, close your eyes, and just hope. We've already established this. Another thing that you can really do that will protect your dick, depending on the curve of it, is if you bring your knees up, almost to form a barrier for her butt, she can't go back because your knees are there. Your knees are up. This will also give you increased thrusting power. So you can literally pull her in close and wrap your arms around sort of wrap your arms around her waist or grab her ass. You can hold her closer, tiny dancer.

And just start pounding away. And you'll have more thrusting power. Count the headlights on the highway. And you will have absolute control over what direction your dick is going. And this will give you, one, you know, maybe something new. If you have sort of been letting her do her thing on top, this might be a new thing where, like, she's

on top, but still is being fucked. Yeah. Um, it will also give you peace of mind, which will make you more confident in fucking her in this position. And your boner won't die or be snapped off. Yes. I mean, guess what? Those are two great fucking, like, just absolutely

spectacular outcomes. Yeah. No dead boner, no dick removal. Just a flat rule. If you're worried about your dick bending back, put your knees up

while you're on the bottom. Yeah. Or, like, you can even just, like, hold her in place with your arms. Like, you can keep her, like, sitting up, like, perpendicular by, like, playing with her boobs.

Or, like, you can have a hand over her back or, like, on her neck or, like, her hair. Anything. You can, her, like, sitting up, like, perpendicular by, like, playing with her boobs. Or, like, you can have a hand over her back. Or, like, on her neck. Or, like, her hair. Anything. You can... You're involved in this whole thing. Yeah. And you can make sure she doesn't just fucking fling herself like your dick is a bungee cord

and the end of the bed is a cliff. Yep. All right, let's end this, boy. Thank you very much for listening and joining us on this wild wine adventure this evening or this morning, whatever you're listening to it. I don't give a fuck. It's a pleasure, and we're glad that you're still with us. We're ending the year soon.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty exciting. It's wild. We'll be entering a decade where our podcast exists. True. For its entirety. Yeah. Because we're going to be doing this.

For the next 10 years, motherfuckers. Until 2030. And you can't stop us. You probably can, but. You could try. But, yeah, you know what? The only thing that'll ever stop us is money. Yeah.

Once we start making money, we're done. Yeah. So send us money to make us stop. We have a certain amount of money that we need to make, and as soon as we make it, we're out. Like Walter White. We're going to delete every goddamn episode. Like we never existed.

I mean, that's counterintuitive, I think. Is it? I don't know. If you have a question and you want to send it in to us, you can reach us on various forms of social media and electronic devices. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can also email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can also email us

at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com and you can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com. We have a little contact information form where you can assign

your own agent name and send it in to us. And if you ever listen to the start of the episode, you'll hear Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities and their song Paper Stars. And I'd like to take this moment

to thank Josh and his eagles. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? Only if you get comfy. Are you ready? This is City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert. There was a sensation occurring here that I didn't even know could occur.

I took the sharpest inhale of my life, and I'm not sure I let my breath out for another ten minutes. I do feel that I lost the ability to see and hear for a while, and that something might have short-circuited in my brain. Something that probably has never been fully fixed since. My whole being was astonished. I could hear myself making noises like an animal. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. Not that I was trying to control them.

And my hands were gripping down so hard over my own face, I left divots in my own skull. And then it became more. And after that, it became even more still. Then I screamed as though I were being run over by a train. And that long arm of his was reaching up again to palm my mouth. And I bit into his hand the way a wounded soldier bites on a bullet. And then it was the most. And I more or less died.

Yeah, it fucking sounds like you did. Worst? I think that's probably the best one you've run oh my god what kind of scream would you make if you've been run over by a train if i was fucking someone and they made a scream that was akin to them getting run over by a train i would stop immediately this man with his fucking freakishly long arms he was just like shut your bitch shut up and then he like died i guess more or less died yeah but i guess because she divoted her own fucking skull yeah her skull not her not her skin yeah i was okay if you were gonna say i dug into my own skin that's cool no that's kind of hot

all right so but to like, fracture your skull? He also broke her brain permanently. Yeah. She's like, oh, it's never been fixed. I couldn't see her here for a bit. Yeah, this is... Oh, man. Man, this reads like...

You know when you look up WebMD and it gives you, like, all the death? Yeah, this. This is what happens. You're like, oh, I've got a headache. And it's like, well, you're going to get divots in your skull. You're going to lose the ability to see and hear. You're going to scream in agony and more or less die. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh man. Can you hit me with some tan? I need, I need to stop. I love that that one got you the most of any of them. I don't know if it's the wine or. I was like, I kept wanting to stop just so we could enjoy your laughter but I also wanted to press on

because I wanted that last last bit man he still hasn't posted since October it just means he's charging up man Dan says how to break up your ex's rebound relationship somehow incept your name into her mind

while she has sex yeah oh my god yeah we also have using loving dominance to get your ex back your name into her mind while she has sex. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, we also have using loving dominance to get your ex back. Mm-hmm. That sounds... Don't think about it. Just mm-hmm.

That sounds a lot like a crime. Yeah. Speaking of crimes, I have a Pornhub user comment that I'm going to say might be our most challenging one yet. Pornhub user Eddie Beck says, I grew up on a dairy farm. Never knew cows could be so sexy. Damn girl, you definitely made me wish I was your bull.

My name is Dave Miller. My name is Alice Ping. We've been your fuck buddies.