F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 65 - Second Annual Sexmas Spectacular (2019)

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

It's the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaar!  It's time for our second annual Sexmas Spectacular.  This week, YOU gifted US with a ton of your festive questions and we happily answer them with seasonally appropriate cheer.  Topics include sneaky squeakless sex, gifting your fuck buddy, nosy family questions and seeking closure.

It was two days before Christmas and all through this episode such good advice was given it'll make you blow your load hello friends my name is nate miller and i I'm Al Spain And we're your fuck buddies Your seasonal fuck buddies Your Christmas fuck buddies Our non-denominational holiday Dasher and Comet and Sexer Yeah, Comer Comer and Comer again Bustin

That's Splitson's name Comer and Bustin And Sexin For vixen uh come it come it i like it um pood off if you're into that um asher like dasher but asher as asher smasher smasher yeah okay that works better i can't remember any donner i mean that's come donder a calm donder uh yeah welcome to christmas and holidays and happiness yeah this is uh the 2009 teen version sorry man i'm living the decade challenge jesus um we are it's we didn't even cheers oh god uh we're a dating sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn challenge. Oh, Jesus. We are. We didn't even cheers. Oh, God.

We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. And get stupider every week. Every week we get worse at this. Just the intro. I think we've gotten better overall. Don't you dare. Whatever. Yes, this is our Christmas spectacular.

Our sexmas spectacular for 2019. It's our second annual. Yeah. That's true. It is. Yeah, true. It is true. Facts.

Yeah. You like them? That's your present from us. Guess what else we got? Unwrap it. It's a vice. There it is. Are you ready for it?

But it's hidden behind those questions. What's the first one there? First question is... Wait, wait, wait. Take the bowl off slowly. Don't tell me what to do. Okay. Oh, you just tore it right off.

Don't eat. Don't eat it. Man, we're going to reuse that. No. We can save those red ones for Valentine's Day. And those green ones for St. Patrick's Day presents. Those classic St. Paddy's Day presents. This is a user-submitted question from Agent A Sugar Plum.

Ooh. I gave them all Christmas-themed names. Whether they like it or not, because this is our show, goddammit. Hi, friends. Hello. Every year for Christmas, my partner and I swap whose family we spend Christmas with. His family's in Nova Scotia, and mine is in Vancouver. When we go to his parents' place, we stay in a little small guest cottage they have on their property.

Ooh, how quaint. It's a separate building from the main house, so if we want to do any dirty deeds... Some naughty stuff. Oh, how quaint. Some naughty stuff. Is there a way to have sexy, sneaky, squeakless sex? How can we have sexy times without the entire house knowing what we're up to? I hear this. You got to find out what doesn't squeak. She says specifically.

Everything. Everything. Yeah, but I'm going to guess that's a little hyperbolic. The walls probably don't squeak. The floorboards do. Yeah, but the floorboards next to the wall are usually at their most rigid. So if you can pin someone up against the wall and just slowly fuck them so that there's no slapping sounds, that can be a lot of fun. Because it's an unusual position because not everybody has sex all the time pinned up against a wall.

On top of that, there's always the heightened risk of being haired. And you can just take it excruciatingly slowly. It can be a lot of fun. Also, basement. Everything. Ain't nothing squeaking down in the basement, presumably. I don't know. Unless it's a finished basement, and then maybe it is.

But, like, if it's, you know, concrete. You just want to go to a shitty concrete basement? Hey, look, I'm saying, if they're that desperate that they need to get their fucking sex on, maybe be like, oh, hey, we'll help you, you know you get the turkey out of the freezer or whatever. And you just go down to the basement and just give it a good old college try. Now the turkey's squeaking. Yeah, goddamn right it is. I say, well, I say maybe like, okay, let's get like 2020 is all going to be about just perfecting everything, I think, you know, because hindsight is 2020.

We've all learned from our shit. So bring a screwdriver and some fucking oil. Oil the hinges so when you fuck against the door, it doesn't squeak. Screw the bed a little bit tighter together so it doesn't squeak. Well, it's more the springs that are squeaking. Oil the springs. Cut open that bed. Get in there.

Spray oil just everywhere everything i think you can just punch your a few holes in the mattress and just put oil in there um then you save money on lube too true if everything's covered in oil yeah everything is lubricated now you've got the opposite problem nothing squeaks but everything's lubed yeah don't make grandma go near the stairs also Also, alternatively, depending on how long you're there, if sex is a little too active for the environment, some little oral. You don't need to do a whole lot of moving for oral.

Or at least not enough that you should be getting past squeak threshold. My favorite movie. Yeah, you might be really enthusiastic at blowjobs and get a whole body sort of like movement going. But it's like you might have to change things up a little bit in this circumstance. Maybe calm it down a bit. Maybe take it real slow. Calm it down a bit?

Ooh. Just bring it down. Yeah, make sure she's on her knees. Bring everything it down. Yeah, make sure she's donned her knees. Bring everything, like, down. This holiday is going to be, like, tame. Slow sex. Yeah. Hey, tame?

I mean, slow doesn't mean tame. No, that's true. I'm sorry. Not tame. What's the word I'm looking for? Controlled. Mm-hmm. Everything is...

Totally different. Deliberate. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I like it. That's the thing. You can have a lot of fun with this. Because maybe you don't want to do something like that

every day, but the fact that you kind of have to do it, it's fun to break out of routine and everything's going to be a little bit more dangerous. I like it. Again, and we've talked about this before, you've got to account for Sneaky Dad, though. Oh, hell yes.

Like, you got to make sure that, because if- Honestly, this is probably the easiest time. You just get dad a fucking cool gadget or turkey and he's asleep in front of the fire. True, yeah. And you got to account for sneaky mom. She's had a few bottles of wine. Nothing's putting her down. She's furiously cleaning up.

Yeah, but maybe she's going to come clean your room. No. And that's the thing. You just have to plant so many dirty dishes. You have to bring a pan from home that's just coated in tar, and she will just be scrubbing that motherfucker. Yeah. And you have to plant it just before you go upstairs.

Yeah. Or down to the fucking creepy ass basement Dane's sending you. Yeah. I'm sorry sorry i've heard it's really spooky oh god well dane has a boner yeah all right hit me yeah shake it up guys get controlled yeah get in control okay this is from a good day for throwaway is it too extra to get your fuck buddy a christmas present i've been having sex three or four times a month with a guy i met through red Reddit for about six months.

One could say that Christmas and New Year's is kind of our anniversary, though our relationship is limited to casual sex. That doesn't add up. The math does not add up there. Are you taking month breaks between the months you have three or four sexes? What?

They said that they've been having sex for six months. Yeah. Then they said that Christmas and New Year sex for six months yeah then they said that christmas new year's is their anniversary huh doesn't make sense are they skipping months we aren't looking for anything further relationship sexism is the highlight of my week at times so i want to feel appreciated i like shopping for christmas presents and was making my early list for people he popped into my mind and i hesitated to actually write his name is it too over the top to give a fuck buddy a christmas card slash present if you do not

actually want anything more with them or to send the wrong kind of message i was just thinking about putting some of his favorite candy in a gift bag and writing my little card with a sweet but writing a little card with a lighthearted message about how seeing him sweetens up my week too much i mean if i give my neighbor or my bus driver a christmas card why not yeah hell yeah yeah do it i think this is a great idea it's people get in this like the amount of times i've seen questions where it's like a girl that i like is performing in a play can i bring her flowers it's like why not like as long as you're not creepy about it it's like it's a nice thing to do also it's like like there are traditional things that you do like traditionally

if someone's in a play like it's it's it's very common to bring them flowers afterwards or in a performance it's that's like almost a thing that happens with theater and stuff like that the same thing with like christmas and birthdays and shit you get gifts on those days and you give gifts on those days so if you're if you guys are cool which i hope you are if you've been at this point like you should be really close like and you don't have to see each other every day or talk every day or whatever but when you're around each other you should be chill like your guard should be down you should be like happy to be in each other's presence and if that's not the case but if it is they're not gonna be like whoa whoa and that's the thing like maybe don't get them a fucking ipad yeah don't give them something that's

that has more weight to it but some fucking candy or like you know what i mean maybe a fucking licenza gift card or a victoria's secret gift card and be like hey one day before we fuck you're gonna take me out you're gonna pick out something that you like for me to wear and then i'll come home and wear it that's a pretty relevant gift for your relationship yeah yeah um or but yeah candy hell yeah yeah if he looks at that and he's like, oh shit, she wants to marry me. If that freaks him out, like, I know there are probably a lot of people when you said you should be close. I know there are so many people who are like, but they're fuck buddies.

It's like that close doesn't mean anything in regards to exclusivity. No, not at all. Like I was, I was very close with the women i was sleeping with yeah i like if i wasn't then i wasn't having good sex with them yeah or like yeah i wouldn't want to see someone repeatedly that i didn't feel like i could get close to um and that doesn't necessarily mean you've bared your soul or whatever but like if you're having regular sex and you're on like a fuck buddy casual sex relationship with someone guess what the key word there is you're still in a relationship yeah it's not an exclusive one it's not a monogamous one but it's still a relationship also even if you saw a friend once a week for six months yeah

you guys be pretty fucking close yeah i think if you got them a small gift for christmas they'd be like yeah cool and again like it's it's all about like the gift itself and the delivery and all this stuff like if you make a big deal out of it, it's going to feel like a big deal. If you get them something ridiculous, like, as I said, an iPad. Yeah. Yeah. But like candy, like a beer, some, like something that's not going to, because the thing is it's not like it's highly possible they won't have gotten you something.

So if you get them something that is expensive enough that they feel bad that they didn't get you something, that's going to be awkward in general. If you get them like a token gift, then they'll feel nice about it hopefully. And if you're worried about how it's going to come off, add a condom into the mix. Yeah, make it sex. And then you're just like, oh, okay, cool.

Like you still, this is still a sex thing. Yeah, yeah. And also the thing is like as dan said if they do freak out guess what they were gonna freak out anyway if someone is that worried that you want a relationship it wasn't the gift that did it again unless you bought them a fucking ipad uh it's a we now know where nile's line in the sand is oh yeah as soon as an ipad is exchanged oh man i know i just get the hint they want something more if it's an ipad you know it's like a google chrome book whoa yeah no fuck

that that's nothing that's fine that's fine tamagotchi it's fine oh shit no hell no someone gives me a tamagotchi i know they're looking that's a test that's like a house plant yeah that's like a hey how well can you take care of this? I know I'm safe. I know I'm safe because it's dying real quick. It's poo is going to just fill up the whole screen. Oh, yeah, 100%. And they're going to be like horrendously just upset. Did you ever play that Digimon game?

No. I think it was for the original PlayStation. It's always that, though. It sounds wild. Where it's like your Pokemon. Doesn't the poo come alive? Yeah, so you had a Digimon and it would like, you know, it would evolve or whatever the fuck it was called in Digimon. What was it?

Digivolve? Digivolve. Is that it? That's so lame. And it would, like, you would get a little notification that it had to poop. So if you couldn't get it to the bathroom in time, it would, like, it would just shit wherever you were. And if that happened, I'm pretty sure if it happened once the next time your your little buddy would digivolve he would literally turn into like a shit eating monster and you would have to

like go and find all of your wayward shits and have this thing eat it um in order to get an actual real digimon back i love that someone was like fuck man pokemon's one of the biggest games in the world and our thing is kind of it exactly how do we compete and someone's. Pokemon's one of the biggest games in the world. And our thing is kind of it exactly. How do we compete? And someone was like, there's one thing it's missing. Shit mechanics. Shitzer. Yeah, and it's like, I don't know if I ever progressed through this game.

Because it was always like one of those things where it's like, I never, you know, if you're out exploring and you don't know where the bathroom is, then you're fucked. And then it's like, cool, well, my badass angel Pokemon is now going to turn into a shit monster. Great. Yeah, that was not the way to make that game better. No. Also, like, it's not like it's a bearing on the show as far as I remember. Yeah, I don't remember there being many plots being like, oh, no. Funny thing.

Our little yellow dinosaur. Probably would have been a more popular TV show if there was more shit in it. Yeah, maybe they fucked up. They put shit in the wrong one. Uh, where were we on this question?

Get them a fucking present. Yeah. Just don't be worried about it. Give them a copy of Digimon on the original PlayStation. Just like if, if you like, just be close with the people you're close with. You know what I mean?

Like I, the one thing, one of the things I hate most in the world is when people are terrified to be nice or happy or like close with their fuck buddies. Because that's wild. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very strange thing. Like I said, when you said close, I think everyone thinks they have to keep their casual sex partners at, like, arm's reach.

Yeah. And it's like, I understand that if you get to you know it could send the wrong message so like but if you guys are on the same page if you've followed proper fuck buddy protocol and you've both established i'm not looking for anything more and if that progresses or if that changes i will let you know immediately yeah if you're following that and you agree to it and you trust them then yeah at that point you can be as cuddly as you want. You can hold hands.

You can do all that. And none of that's going to freak anyone out until you have the conversation of being like, hey, actually, you know what? Yeah. I'm starting to get feelings. Communicate. If you've done those things, which we've told you to do from day one, you're fine. So like give the guy a present.

Also, if you want to do it, do it. Yeah. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. And I think it's really cool that you, you know, you want to let this person know they mean something to you. Yes. That's fucking sick. Also, like, give it to them after you fuck.

The next time you fuck, be like, hey, sorry I didn't get you a Christmas gift. Or, like, here's a belated Christmas gift. And just, you know, put this sack of candy on his dick and be like, there you go. Or, like, fuck him, and then when you're leaving, be like, hey, left you something under the pillow. And they'll be like, there you go. Or like, fuck him, and then when you're leaving, be like, hey, left something under the pillow. And they'll be like, oh, candy.

Be real nice. Yeah, or like as you're leaving, half turn around and be like, here's something for later. And you just like, kind of toss it under your shoulder. Just, and he catches it. Or you hit him in the dick. Take it easy. Sleazy. And leave. Keep on trucking. Or you hit him in the dick and he dies.

Yep. Cause all his blood's there now it's true you've well okay maybe don't kill your fuck buddy all right ready yeah this comes from another user oh yeah yeah agent silver bells asks i have a very large very italian family it's not where i thought that was going i am the youngest of six siblings and one of over 20 cousins. I'm also the only kid in the family that is still single. Everyone else is either married, engaged, or in a long-term relationship. Despite my family being very progressive, my brother is gay, I'm married to a black dude, and my two cousins are also gay, or two of my cousins are also gay, the older folks and even some of my siblings and cousins seem to obsess over the fact that I'm still single.

My Nona will even warn me throughout the holidays that I'm on the path to die alone. Nice. The thing is, I don't want to date anyone right now. I'm very career-focused, but I still have plenty of great sex with a few consistent fuck buddies. Wink, wink. I think that's a name reference

and not implying that we are their fuck buddy. Well, I would never unveil my secret love. I mean, what? Silver bells. I am very happy with my sex life and dating life. How do I get my family to understand this? Oh, man, you answered your own question. Every time they say that, you're like, I'm happy with my sex life.

It's just awkward them out of the conversation. Yeah. You're knowing the system, like, I'm happy with who I fuck. I was was like i have a lot of fuck buddies yeah oh don't worry i'm still getting fucked i'm rolling in the mint no no please i'm i'm still getting fucking real this dick ain't dry oh it's like it's a woman the question no someone's in her right now oh shit this dick ain't dry nana uh she's italian it's nona please Nona, then. Nona, this dick ain't dry. My favorite Christmas album of the year. I feel like you can have fun with this.

You either, like, yeah, they're progressive. Why are they not progressive with? Yeah, you find the line. Find the line and tell everyone that's why they're not there. And don't even go for the conventional things. Be like, he's a mime, you know? He's a juggler. Like, find what they don't like, like the weirdest thing they don't like and be like,

It's great because he never makes a sound so he doesn't have to fucking wake up my roommate. Yeah. So when I'm over, silence. Except for me. I'm loud as hell. Yeah. Because I'm just getting railed, Nana. Those questions are so invasive to your

privacy that if they want to open that door if they're eager to like you know kick the fucking door open and be like what's going on in your life your sex and dating life why aren't you seeing someone then they've opened it if they want to take a look in the room let them see what's in the room yeah um and i promise you that they will probably not want to hear about their youngest daughter having sex with men. Yeah. Or two things. One, deflect. She goes, oh, you're going to be, you go, oh, when did you meet?

No, no. What's the male? I'm going to say it's no, no. Really? Okay. Look at me. Yeah. When did you meet granddad

oh then she'll go off on a tangent she starts giving you shit gonna be like oh what was your guys first date she goes off and the second she starts saying just start asking her

about her relationship yeah like just deflect or and I think this might be my favorite one pull out tinder

and just hand it to her and be like oh see any good men in there yeah get her to fucking swipe for you all right nona there you go yeah get nona to swipe find my find my husband for me because can you imagine what like because i'm gonna go on a limb here and say nona's probably never seen tinder right she may have heard tell of it i doubt she's ever fucking looked at tinder and done a swipe and seen some topless man holding you know a drugged up tiger in thailand and you know looked at some guy tell you his exact height

and also exactly what he can bench i doubt that or not bench squat or whatever the kids are into these days deadlifting that's the one uh i'm real with it uh so like do that be like hey what do you think of this and just like if she's like oh this is awful you'd be like yeah that's why i'm fucking single yeah and if she's like oh this is cool then you guys have some fun and maybe you get her to message them that'll be amazing but you also have to if she messages any of them tell us what your nona says in a cold open for Tinder. Because that's, I think, information we all need. Oh, 100%. Yeah.

And then, like, I'm sure your parents probably won't be stoked about your Nona on Tinder. So just be like, well, look, you guys keep bothering me. This is the only way I'm going to date anyone. Is if Nona finds me the perfect man. And if she can't, if Nona can't find me the perfect man, how am I supposed to do it? Yeah. She has years of wisdom. She has years of experience. She has years of experience.

She's been wetting dicks since she was... No. No, I'm not going to go there. Not on Christmas. Yeah, I think deflect the Tinder option or fuck buddy talk. So we got a whole bunch of users submitted questions today. So a new friend of the show here. And it's going to be sleigh bells yeah yeah because

we're just gonna go christmasy on this one sexmasy even uh they say hey guys just started listening to your podcast i love it it's really getting me through some hard times or sorry rough times i don't know if this question within your realm of expertise but how do you deal with a breakup that ended without any closure things between me and my ex of 2.5 years ended rather abruptly she wanted to move away i wanted to try long distance and she didn't so that was just the end of our relationship i know you were dating sex vice podcast maybe you guys have already covered this but i figure breakups might be considered part of dating i mean yes absolutely i would say it is a very big part of it yeah i would fortunately nine times out of ten,

the problems that are happening in a current relationship are usually because of the breakup of a past relationship. Look at Dan. That's his entire life. So, I mean, I pretty much went through this with my most recent ex, and I say most recent, like this was 2013 or whatever um where uh we kind of broke up all of a sudden it was it was very sort of like sudden i did not know we literally went for like a couple's massage in the morning and then broke up by the end of the night um and

the reason was she was like i feel like i just don't know you well enough uh only to find out that like two weeks later she was dating like a random dude from her gym like it was like her parkour instructor or some shit um and i was like well it's odd that like you decided to break up with me because you didn't know me to date someone you didn't really know instead of just being like hey maybe we should get to know you a little bit more yeah so like that fucked me up pretty good um but then i was like when i found out she was dating him um she had been training with him for like a couple months while we were together so like obviously in my head i was like i want to know if something was going on while we were together and i don't i don't think she like at no point in time was i trying to insinuate that she'd cheat on me but i want to know if something was going on while we were together and i don't i don't think

she like at no point in time was i trying to insinuate that she'd cheat on me but i wanted to know if like if that was the real reason because if that was the real reason it changes things it's it's a much better i mean it's still a tough pill to swallow but it's better than being like hey you're not worth knowing i'm gonna go try it out with this guy yeah um so i was like hey i like just for closure's sake for my sake so i can move on and put it behind me um was there anything going on between you guys well and she was like i never cheated on you i need some space and that was like the last thing we've ever said to each other we have not talked since i think i think we ran into her once at a mutual friend of ours like show yeah um where we were cordial um but that was sort of like the last thing we said and let me tell you it uh

that fucked me up real good yeah it's weird because like closure is such a like you and one person's closure isn't another person's closure you know what i mean and closure itself it's like even when you want it you might not really know how to get it um like i've i've had a similar situation to well like a few so firstly like the long distance thing is really difficult because long distance is hard so like it is like i do understand having qualms about it, but it does suck because like you really need to like really be willing to give it a shot or else it is pretty much a no. My last girlfriend and me, we broke up because I went back to Ireland to graduate university because I'd done a year abroad over here and then went back to my last one. And it was the exact same situation where i didn't want to do long distance but i didn't want to break up um you know so i was like fuck it give it a shot like it's not ideal

but like what are the other options and she did not want to do long distance um so we ended things which was really weird because we still kind of like kept in touch um and we were obviously still really close but like it was really hard to like find that line and then she came over visit we ended up doing long distance which was also a terrible fucking idea because when i got back the relationship was just like a disaster like i don't know what it was but i feel like having all this time i for me long this one was actually pretty good because i was able to like i didn't have a lot of time for like you know i wasn't spending time with a partner because my partner was in a different country yeah so i had all this free

time to spend with my friends and to spend in clubs and to spend writing and to spend like doing things and i had a very like healthy few months where I like, I did really well in university. I, you know, I was fit and active. I saw my friends, I had all these things. I feel like for her, it was almost the opposite where like not having me around was just like this constant source of like worry and shit. But anyway, when I came back,

she was like big into drugs and all this stuff. It was just super weird. The whole situation was awful. And from then until the end of our relationship, it was fucking mess um not not always but in general it was like this overarching mess and towards the end of it in a similar way to to kind of what happened with you um i think i've talked about this before she became like obsessed with the like jealousy and weird weirdness where she was convinced i was cheating on her for no reason like i have no idea why um like i would hang out with mutual friends of ours and she'd be like i

know you're cheating on me and like i'm literally with one of your best friends who's a guy and we're playing xbox and like you can call us you can like you know where i am you you're invited like what's happening here um but you know i eventually we ended things and every single person who i've talked this story with has been like oh she felt that way because she was cheating on you every single person um and like it started to make sense there's like you know maybe because a lot of times when people are doing a bad thing in a relationship they like to hope that you are too so they're not the bad guy you know um anyway that's like so many people said and i never we haven't talked since you know and that thought has always stayed

with me obviously a lot more painful than than now yeah um but like there was a long time where i was like it's like highly possible but i never got you know you never got that closure never got anything we just like we literally we ended because you know, you never got that closure, never got anything. We just like, we literally, we ended because, you know, she, I had to end the relationship, but then nothing, you know what I mean? And I think more to the point and less rambly, I was in a relationship with someone for like a year and it was like a fuck buddy thing that then became like more and more. And like, we were spending a lot of time together um like almost all the time together and like getting really close and like you know it was one of those things where i thought i didn't know really where it was going

but i think i thought maybe onwards uh because it's been a year which is a long enough time i saw each other like every day uh and we're there for each other when bad things happen like it wasn't even just like a sex thing you know and then one day she literally like came over to my house and was like hey we're done i was like okay why and she was like it didn't mean enough for me to have to tell you why and like left that was that was balls um because that's just like a really mean thing it's like yeah you also just like never you don't have any reason you don't make closure because you have literally no idea like it could be a them thing it could be a you thing like they might have met someone sure that's one thing it could be a you thing they might just be like i'm so sick of your shit

you know yeah there are a million reasons and the not knowing is kind of fucked up so i guess we're just giving examples of how this happened to us but like well it's good to know that like it's not a you're like the first thing that happens when you feel like shit is that you feel like you're the only one who's gone through it yeah you know what i mean it's very easy to isolate yourself and sort of get lost in the, the, the immediate pain and not realize that this is not the first time it's ever happened. It's not going to be the last time it's ever happened. And it's probably going to happen to you again.

And I know that's not the most uplifting thing to say, but, but sometimes reality helps ground people. Um, and I remember what really helped me after this breakup, I had a few people, uh, say some very specific things to me.

I remember this was sort of like, uh, I went through sort of like a quote unquote asshole phase. And it's like, not that I was an asshole or anything, but like, I, I tried to like embody asshole qualities as a, as a self defense mechanism to sort of like keep everyone at arm's reach to keep people from wanting to, you know, further relationships with me. And I remember I was with, um, one of my friends that I had like just met after the breakup. So it's like the height of my bullshit. Um, and we were, we were very drunk, but I still remember her just like, almost like slapping my beer out of my hand or whatever I was drinking out of my hand. She was like, why are you acting like an asshole when you're not and she's like you're you're being a fucking idiot and it was

just like it was just kind of out of nowhere and I and it was one of those like clarity moments where I was just like I'm not fooling anyone you know what I mean if someone that I've met like two weeks ago can see through this facade um because it was like that was the only me that she knew was this sort of like persona that I had adopted. I was like, if she can see through it, then I'm not fooling anyone. And I'm not even fooling myself. You know what I mean? It was like, so I think one of the most important things to do is you got to remain true to you.

And if that means you have to feel like shit for a bit, feel like shit. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed bit feel like shit you're allowed to you're allowed to be sad you're allowed to feel bad you're allowed to be depressed you're allowed to to to wallow a little bit but then you need to you also need to wallow healthily yes you also need to find something yeah there's no escaping what you're feeling right like you're you're it sucks like it you can't ignore it you know what i mean and like alcohol isn't gonna numb it really because like and i've been there you know uh and it can help occasionally like in in a healthy sense you know i mean but only in as much as like seeing your friends can help and like doing active good things that you enjoy can but it's all too easy to follow to fall into like

you know patterns of like self-neglect or like just self-misery and like just taking it out on yourself or like doing avoidance and all these things that just prolongs it really. Yeah. So I think like step one is like, yeah, like remain true to who you are because you're great. Right. Like you're you. Um, and on top of that, like do, do things you love and do things that are healthy. Right. Like it's like, like it's for me i threw myself into work and socializing and drinking and like to the point where like i probably went through you know a month where i like i never i wasn't even home you know what i mean like i was out and i was working and i like ran myself to the bone and i like you know i was burning the candle at both ends and i was out and like they were all positive generally you know what i mean but like i wasn't living much of a healthy life and it was all kind

of like you know i was still suffering from it i just wasn't admitting to myself that i was kind of you know this thing is i find that most people when they're dealing with a breakup try to throw on the i'm doing great you know what i mean it's like nine times out of ten it's like as soon as you go through a breakup it's the instagram posts of like people being happy and out with your friends and like sexy shirtless mirror selfies and shit like that and there's this like that you try to exude usually to the person you broke up with specifically like it's all targeted at them more or less and that that means you're not dealing with what's happening so all that's doing is like you you put you've put a layer of bullshit on top

of pain and that pain is just gonna like fester and grow and rot so that when you finally do have to deal with it it's a much bigger beast at that point in time um and i do think like there's always gonna be a little bit of that and that's fine of course yes. Yes. And, you know, by all means remain positive. I feel like you never want the other person to think you're being pathetic or like whatever. And also just like having that new selfie is, you know, it's, it's gonna help get you back in like that dating game. Like you can always tell based on people's uploads, like, Oh, they just got single. Um, but like the whole point is like not too much of it, not any of this.

Like you're always going to have a little bit of all these things, I think. Um, so just like try, try and like find a positive way through it because it's going to hurt no matter what. But one way you bounce back and another way you dig a little hole. Yeah. Um, some other things, social media is a fucking nightmare block for breakups. I would say, um, you don't necessarily have to delete them or anything but like you can silence pages uh especially instagram and facebook just put

them on mute for a bit yeah that way that's the thing you won't feel um uh you know compelled to put out performative tweets or or posts or you know what i mean because if you know that they can't see your shit you're gonna do things a lot differently because you also won't get that little knife in the heart every time you see their post you know exactly um that is that's the worst and like i'm pretty sure i still have all of my exes on facebook um and it like it gets better it obviously does and it stops hurting after a while. And that's not to say there isn't always a little sting here and there. I think to get closure is a 100% you thing.

If you have to rely on someone else to get closure, you're never going to get it. Most likely, at least. You know what I mean? Because even if my ex was like no nothing was ever happening would i believe it i don't know well she said that right there's still um there's still that part of me that's like yeah but you're i'm done to you so like you could lie to me all you want yeah you know what i mean like there's always the the self-doubt part of yourself that is going to to spin whatever they say yeah and like even if i had gotten an answer whether it be yes or no like either like you know what i mean one way would be pain a lot more pain if they were like oh hey i found someone else then you'd be like cool

why aren't i as good as them why aren't i good enough or if it was like oh we're talking about the other thing but yeah even that it's like i because i remember really wanting closure at one point yeah um and thinking to myself like what did i want to hear you're always gonna know what i wanted to hear yeah i just knew i wanted something i think that something was just like my hurt wanting to be solved and i don't know if any of those answers would have helped with it you know i mean i think it was hurt and i was putting the blame on i didn't know why but like knowing why would he i think it would just make another sucky problem because the thing is like the second i don't like your answer you know yeah and then it's like well why not what did i do wrong

and so now you need to have like five more questions that you need answered for closure. Yeah. So it's you have to rely on yourself for closure. So you have to need to take like a quick we've talked about before, like the mental inventory, the emotional check. And you need to stop and think and be like, cool. What about this is making me hurt? Yeah. Is it the fact that you don't feel, you know know do you not feel good enough that every time in all of my breakups i've always my self-worth rock bottoms out of course and i feel like i am not good enough for like anyone yeah um and what you need to do then is talk to your friends tell your friends this and i promise you they will fix it um and you're probably not going to believe them right away. You're probably going to feel like they're just being nice, but they will also know that you're going through this and they will take steps to make you believe it because that's what my friends did. Um, and it's, it's an invaluable resource. And that I mean is the, the relationships that you've already fostered and cultivated and

things like your friends um or your family reach out to someone that cares about you you know and tell them be like hey i this breakup has fucked me up and i feel like i'm worthless and like and they will they will deal with that hopefully yeah like in whatever way that they're capable of doing that and even on top of that like you you you can even just be like hey like i feel like shit after my breakup like let's let's go do something you know like you can let just let them know you're hurt and if you can let them know why you're hurt and like more specifics i know that's really hard i think i would find that very hard to vocalize yeah but um you know like and that's another reason why i like taking care of yourself

is a really good thing to do because like there's nothing worse than you know when you just drink too much one night and you wake up the next day and you have that like anxiety and that panic and you feel like you've done something wrong and you feel worthless and that's just the alcohol that on top of a time when you also are kind of questioning your worth it just compounds the whole thing right uh like when you're not if you haven't slept well if you haven't eaten well if you are drinking too much like you're always gonna feel like shit and that just adds to the feeling like shit yeah you know if you're at your tip top you're still gonna feel sore you're still gonna hurt but like also i'll tell you your motivation to get fucking jacked is at its peak after you get a breakup i'll say like

the the months after every one of my breakups have been like the best year of my life because like you want to get fucking you know what i mean like there's that part of you wants to be like i want to make them jealous i also you know i'm single again gotta look good um and you have more free time yeah so fucking ride that wave as well you know i mean like that's the thing it's like these all like yeah it sucks like we're not I mean? That's the thing. It's like, yeah, it sucks. We're not denying any of that. But the thing is, you've got to try to find the silver lining. And the silver lining is, what have you gotten?

You've gotten more free time. You know what I mean? Somebody takes up a lot of, a big footprint of your life. You know what I mean? So now that's gone. And yeah, that sucks. But guess what? If you've ever wanted to go take up a hobby hobby or you've ever wanted to work on a project or you've

wanted to go to the gym or anything like you you have that time and the thing is that time is it's hard to have so like take advantage of that it'll keep you busy it'll be positive it'll help you moving forward and you never know who you want who you might meet through these new things and best of all you'll get to spend time with you and make yourself better right also remember that like if you wanted to do this long distance and they didn't they're not your person as as hard as it might be to to take that over um no relationship is infinite some people might be with each other until they die but if they stayed together if if they did not, eventually there's a good chance they would reach a point where they no longer were compatible with each other. You know what I mean?

And that's time. That's the human body. That's the human heart. That's the human brain. That's just us. We both want things that are different than everyone else. So there's no, and this is for every breakup, not just you specifically. It's like knowing you're going to die.

You know what I mean? We don't wake up every day and get all fucked up and be like, well, there's no point going to work today because in 80 years, in 20 years or whatever, I'm going to die. That's not the point of it. The point is to, it's the journey. You know what I mean? You've spent time with this person hopefully it was great while you're with each other focus on that understand well yeah always bring those positives to mind i feel like a lot of people never do that it's like they're out of a relationship

it was all bad that person sucks and it's like cool maybe they sucked at the end maybe they didn't and you're being better or whatever no one knows but you wouldn't have stayed in that relationship until that point so don't lie to me and tell me that you didn't enjoy it and don't lie to yourself like and if it was bad you learned a lesson exactly either way if it was an abusive relationship or something then you then hopefully you can take that and learn something yeah i protect yourself i didn't want to sound like if you ever stayed in a relationship you can't then say it was bad like yeah i know that sounded a little bit like that you You know what I mean? I just mean a lot of people will refuse to say anything good about their relationship.

Yeah. And there's, so take a moment to reflect back and be like, here are the things I learned. Here's how I grew with that person. And maybe they outgrew or you outgrew them or, and it sounds harsh to say it like that, but it's not. It is human condition.

The thing is, long distance has so many things to it. You know what I mean? They might like you, obviously, but it's such a hard thing. Some people can't do it. Some people know that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Some people don't want to be investing all this energy and time into a thing that they

can't really really like touch right like that's now become this ephemeral like hard to manage with schedules expensive to see each other like yeah some like there's a lot of reasons that aren't you that factor into this and like i think you really need to like think about that because it can be easy to make it think that like you're not good enough or like you're whatever but there's so many different factors yeah to to moving away like i don't know obviously whether they're coming back whether it's going to be a year whether it's going to be whatever like whether this is like you know what i mean like i could go on i could list a million different ways but like i've been

there i've almost been in two long distance relationships i was in one and the other one you know there were a lot of reasons why we were hesitant on both sides of the table to be in them uh money time freedom jealousy like a lot of the time i thought if we had done it it would have made the relationship worse and it did you know so there was a lot of stuff to go to that so think about that too yeah you know i i know that might not again make it any easier because now you have more things to question but at the same time it doesn't mean it's just you right there are a lot of like and a lot of people like movies are made about this subject because it's hard. Long distance shit is really, really hard. So, you know.

So it's, I'm sorry you're going through this, but remember, this isn't the first breakup in the world. It's not going to be the last breakup. Probably won't be your last breakup. Yeah. Take a second to zero in. Remember the good things of the relationship. Try to figure out one thing that you grew.

Maybe you are a little more adventurous with food now. Or maybe she introduced you to a new style of music. There's got to be something in there that you're going to take with you for the rest of your life. And that's something that won't be taken away. That's something that she can't take away from you. And that's part that, that won't be taken away. That's something that she can't take away from you. Um, and, and that's, that's part of you now, you, you, you have adopted something from this relationship and that's, and that's you. And now you're going to bring it to another relationship at some point when you're ready. Um, and that is how we grow as humans. And that's how we, uh, that's how we love and that's how we experience life. Um, so just,

just know that no relationship is, like I said, infinite. Um, there is sometimes an expiry date on them and it sucks, but sometimes, um, people have to move on from each other and that's how we grow.

Um, also understand that you, you will probably find someone else. Yeah. Um, and that, that's a cool thing because now that's because adventure right that's yeah that's the next step in the journey where it's like you've you get to find the next person you have no idea who that person's gonna be and that's

kind of awesome like being single is kind of great because you don't really know what's gonna happen around the corner right like there's a lot more like and don't don't rush to fill in the spot because it's it's sort of like like you said it's a footprint you know i mean like if you step in a footprint in shallow water that water all rushes in yeah don't let it rush in you know what i mean let let the tide smooth it all out and get ready for a new footprint yeah um and also just like what are you going to do with this free time this you time that you have yeah right like make pick something positive to move forward do you want to learn guitar do you already know guitar do you want to start a band do you want to learn

a skill do you want to like start dnd group with your friends do you want to just hit the gym more do you want to read more do you want to play games like do you want to cook like you can do all these things so and again you don't need to do any of them either just like find a positive way for you to to move forward yeah so we hope this helps yeah um again it's it's pretty uncommon for men to be allowed to say that they're sad yeah you can tell your friends that you're sad uh Please do that. You will find an infinite amount of support. And the most invaluable resource in your life is that you have friends that care about you. And they're sort of the tide that washes over the footprint.

You know what I mean? They're the ones that cleans your slate. They're the ones that preps you for the next step. Yeah. And we got your back. And we're here for next step. Yeah. And we got your back. So, and we're here for you too. Yeah.

So thank you for, thanks for sending the question. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Thanks for trusting us. Um, you, you did the first step you've,

you've told us and we're strangers. So go tell your friends and family, um, cause they'll help you more than we ever can. Have a good cup of tea. I don't know that I like that. All right. Uh,

thank you very much for listening, friends. We hope you have a great holiday, a little season, a little break, if you're listening to us to get away from your family. Also, you're welcome. Yeah. Hopefully we can provide some comfort over what I know is a trying time for a lot of people. We're here for you. And hopefully, or I don't know if I'm hoping this does or doesn't happen,

but if anyone accidentally, like, Chromecasts us to nearby speakers and scandalizes our relatives, hey, guys. What up, Nona? Like and subscribe. If you want to get us a Christmas gift, there ain't no harm in heading over to either our Facebook page or our iTunes page, or sorry, our Apple podcast page and leaving us a rating and review.

You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. Some people actually have been leaving us reviews there, which is really cool. So thank you very much. Thank you for everyone who left me birthday reviews, by the way. Yeah. That was great. If you want to find us on Twitter, it's at fck underscore buddies. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com.

And you can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com. On the internet? On the internet. That's where we are. Whoa. We're a user- question, uh, day today. Um, so if you want to, to ask us a question and us answer it, uh, please send us an email or send us a message on Facebook. Um, that seems to be like the primary way that people get ahold of us, which is fine.

Um, but you can also find us on, if you go to our website, there's a little contact page. You can like assign yourself a agent name and we will, uh, we'll answer it as soon as we can. Yeah. Uh, thank you everyone who submitted questions. Uh, you're all friends of the show now. And thank you

Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. Alright, ready for some horrendous sex already? Yep.

I don't know if we can ever do it after last week's. Yeah. It's a tough act to follow. You know what? We're going to try. This is The Electric Hotel

by Dominic Smith. Oh, hell yeah. The actual lovemaking was a series of cryptic clues and concealed pleasures. A sensual treasure hunt. She asked for something and then changed her mind.

He made adjustments and calibrations, awaited further instruction. For most of the proceedings, he felt his own desire as if it was tethered to a wire, a bright red balloon floating in his peripheral vision, but eventually he burst through. It was toward the end, as their breathing quickened. Her stage directions had stalled out into silence. with the steady rhythm of a bellows blowing air at the base of a fire, brought back the early experiments of the Photographic Society in Paris, the wiring of a bird's feet to a camera gun, the mounting tension and uplift before a surge of exasperated flight, his own face looking back in the mirror, open-mouthed, flushed, euphoric.

It was a wild, strange thing to him, a beguiled stranger he'd never met, held in place by an infinite loop. Then his eyes locked on Sabine's in the mirror, and he could see that she was pleased with her staging, with her hair fanning across the pillow, with the way her ankles locked around his calves, so her long white feet formed a perfect V. And it was the act of looking back at the film strip

juddering above the bureau that sent her into a final boisterous delirium. She bit his shoulder, then whispered into the mirror, Nous voilà,ing her breath. There we are. That sounds like some boring ass sex, guys. Yeah, it sounds like you had more fun looking at yourself in the mirror than actually fucking.

Not even like, damn, I look good or like, this is hot. Just like, that reminds me of the time I tied a camera to a bird's foot. Hell yeah. It's all just so like boring and like calibrations. And I looked and she was pleased with her staging. I thought she was there about to come going, I'm pleased with my stage. No, like fuck you. Have you had sex?

Sorry. They have. Too much of it. To the point where it's just stage directions and calibration. That's fair. They're the robots. It is an electric hotel. Oh shit. Yeah, you didn't think about that did you i didn't you idiot well that was mean do you want some dan do we have dan i don't know do we have day i don't know i'm i'm fearing that

he's powering up for a new year assault oh yeah he's he's charging his lasers for sure. Dan says, is my ex my soulmate? I mean, obviously she is if you've been talking about her for like seven years. Well, yeah, that's the thing. And we like to end not on Dan anymore because it was just too depressing.

So I go through Pornhub every week to find us a choice comment from one of the Pornhub users. And this is, this might from one of the porn hub users. Um, and this is, this might be one of my favorite ones. Um, and it's fitting that it's on sex, but so here's my gift to you.

Uh, Tyrone biggums 99. Oh, sorry. Tyrone biggums 69. Yes. Um, says 10 likes and I'll eat my girlfriend's ass.

It's taco night. So it's pretty risky. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. Happy sex-ness. And happy holidays.