F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 68 - A Full Grown Vin Diesel

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

This week we talk about our resolutions and also do some real deep diving on the hottest Vin Diesel education history.  Topics include expressing your love, how to welcome home a returning lover, after sex cravings, a surfing scandal, anime moans, and becoming your brother's father.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Al Spain And we are your fuck buddies Did it.

Oh no. Oh god. Like, even listening to the last episode, I found it hard to tell that what we did was a cheers. So that sad sound you're hearing is the sound of sober January. Yep, there it is. Welcome back. We didn't talk about it. Do you have any resolutions for this year?

2020? Well, work a little harder on the podcast. Get it out. Welcome back. We didn't talk about it. Do you have any resolutions for this year, 2020? Well, work a little harder on the podcast. Get it out there. Yep. Hopefully get back to using this fucking finger and being able to climb again because that sucks so much. Work more on my writing. Just try to be a little healthier, I think, you know? Yeah.

But, like, nothing dramatic. Just kind of, like, over the last few years, I've kind of had the same rolling goals that I'm just... Which I actually have been getting better at, which is really nice. So, yeah. That's kind of it, you know? Maybe have, like, you know, I just not drink too much. Yeah. And I don't mean in general. I also mean in general.

But especially, like, you know, don't have those nights where you just like get a little too drunk and like blackout yeah for like no real reason other than just like if you ever get like if i'm ever blackout then i've done it wrong you know and i don't get blackout but like some nights where i like wake up next day and i'm like yeah i'm completely gone but like you know i it's been like years since i have been but like even then like on my birthday i got a little too drunk and like, you know, there were parts of the night I don't necessarily remember towards the end. It's like,

it's just a pity. Cause I could have like enjoyed that night a lot more. So it's like things like that. I just want to like tighten them up a little bit and keep it tight. Yeah. That's pretty much it. You know, so writing podcast climbing,

that's about it. How about you? I want to order takeout less less that's a big thing for me it looks like my credit card the other day i was like oh wow oh wow um and then i think my big like i always make like big fitness goals with being like i'm gonna work out like five times and it's like i know that's not gonna be i know it's not sustainable every now and then you get sick or you get injured or whatever i want to my goal this year is to not get discouraged when that happens. Cause that always like, I'm always in like such a good fucking rhythm of like doing a

good workout and then I'll either get hurt or I'll get really sick and then I'll miss like a week. And then you've already broken your pledge. And then, yeah. I'll get back to it. I'll get back to it. And then it's like, I just don't like, that's what happened to me at the end of the year i was doing real well until like october or so and i i fucked up my head got a big cut on my hand i had to stop working out

um and then it's just like i just never went back to it yeah i think my goal is to like not let that happen it's like i know it's going to happen but then to like get back on the horse after see that's kind of like the the problem it's like you want to have like very set goals like not just like work out more but like go once a week or go twice a week or whatever yeah but then it means if you ever miss it you feel like you've broken the whole street yeah yeah so like well there's no point there's no point in trying to do it again if i've already failed yeah yeah so it's like it's shitty because you're fucked if you make such a specific plan but you're fucked if you don such a specific plan, but you're fucked if you don't. Yeah. It's hard, but I don't know.

I believe in you. You do good. I believe in you. You do good shit. Shall we start this boy off? Let's do it. Okay. But first.

Uh-oh. I just have something to think about during the whole episode. Okay. Imagine fucking a magician. Mm-hmm. And he nut in you. Mm-hmm. You freak out.

Mm-hmm. Then he says, psych, check freak out. But then he says, psych, check your ear. I thought you were going to say check your mouth. No. Okay. I don't know. It just popped up on my Instagram right before I... Here we go.

Just think about that. I will. I'll let that really ruminate with me. Just imagine the sound your ear would make when you check it. That's the thing. It's like part of magic is like not knowing it's there. I feel like if just an earload of jizz just appeared, you would immediately become aware of that. But part of magic is also like, you know, they didn't really make it happen magically.

Whereas like if I felt someone's jizz just appear in my ear, I'd be like, oh, that's Harry Potter level shit. Wait, you're trying to tell me you don't believe in magic? I don't believe in magician magic. Wizards, warlocks, mages, sure. Magicians? Sorry. All right. It's all sleight of hand.

Okay. Please, give us a question. This comes from Reddit user IgnorantSlut123. Oh, I didn't know I was submitting this week. For those of you who are less mushy about your feelings, how do you show your significant other you love them? My boyfriend is someone who typically isn't very emotionally expressive. He's also the type to roll his eyes at overt mushiness and whatnot.

When we're not together IRL, he's pretty bad with texting and calling. I, on the other hand, love that kind of stuff. The few moments where my boyfriend says I miss you or I love you make me feel over the moon sometimes I even slightly question if it's genuine slash if he loves me or if actually loves me just based off not hearing it as much as I wish he did we're both in our late 20s and have been dating for nearly a year by the way so for you guys who aren't emotionally expressive or mushy, how do you show your S.O. your love? So this guy has clearly perfected the keep-em-guessing routine. Yeah, he's the mystery.

He didn't jettison himself into the sun, but he is keeping her guessing. And clearly it's working real well because she's so upset about it, she went to Reddit. I guess our information isn't great. To be fair, we did say not to do this, and it's clearly not working because she's so upset about it she went to reddit i guess our information isn't great to be fair we did say not to do this and that's clearly not working because she's sad about it well i don't necessarily think he's doing it intentionally i think it's just i know that was me joking okay because like this is i have a big problem with this where i don't

realize that i need to like expressly say things you're you're more of a doer than a teller, I guess. But even then you're, you speak through your love languages. You don't speak your love necessarily. And like, I, I know this as your friend as well.

It's like, sometimes you're not vocally like, you know what I mean? Like sometimes emotional stuff isn't exactly like what you overtly like kind of burst into you know what i mean like you can be a little bit more like stoic if that makes any sense yeah i think it like for me personally it's just like i i ended up dealing with a lot of most of my shit by myself so like i tend to internalize a lot of stuff yeah and process it very slowly and that kind of like filters out very slowly um but i'm also like one of those

people who i don't need a whole lot of maintenance like relationship maintenance like we could not talk for a year and then when we would meet up like not you specifically i thought you were talking about you and your girlfriend that would be terrible no i mean like just you know friends or whatever like i i will re-jump into wherever we left off i won't have like distance doesn't really happen with me a whole lot um so that means like i just i don't know i don't feel like i know there are people who are like if if you don't contact them within a week they spiral you know what i mean and it's like that's i don't think like that so it's it's tough for me so i need to like know ahead of time that you're that type of person. And then I will put the effort in to do that. Um, so I guess that's my roundabout way

of saying, have you told them that you need to hear this more? Yeah, that's, that's definitely communication. That's a good one. Like let him know what you're feeling. Cause like if someone's speed is saying, I love you and I miss you, like rarely they're doing that because they think that's the appropriate amount. Like they're not, I assume doing it to upset you. Like rarely they're doing that because they think that's the appropriate amount. Yeah. Like they're not, I assume doing it to upset you. Yeah. I don't think they're dripping.

Yeah. It's just that that's what they think. Like, and that's fine. Like, and I, I kind of get what you're saying as well. Like, it almost seems like a good thing because like when they do say it that rare time, it means a lot. Yeah. So that's kind of like the silver lining.

Um, but like, yeah, one one i would talk to them and like let them know if it actually like properly upsets you but secondly it's like people have their love languages and they have their way of like showing that they care about people so like on the flip side of this does this person like always make time for you do they like make you food do they like give you presents they look like like all these things because there's got to be a way that they're expressing this to you in other ways and like if these things because there's got to be a way that they're expressing this to you in other ways and like if there isn't then maybe yeah you know then there's another conversation that needs to be like people have their ways of showing that they care as well

as saying that they care yeah and saying that you care is some people's preferred way that's fine but like it's words of affirmation i believe is the love language which sounds like this is what she requires she needs she needs sort of like what she puts forward as well i guess right um and it's there's really no harm in in in saying to your partner being like hey i i like it when you say that and i would love to hear it more and hopefully they respect that and be like okay cool i will attempt to yeah say it more at the very least explain why they don't you know i mean because because if you're on the same page maybe you won't need to hear it as much yeah i think part of it is like the questioning uh and i would just say do not bring up the fact that you're doubting that they love you in this conversation like you did in this post because that's a surefire way to

slip it from conversation to fight yeah um or even just like hurtful yeah exactly that that really sucks to hear so like just but i think most people when they're hurt will then lash out as well so it's just like try keep it like positive you know what i mean like just be like hey i am not at all upset at you uh i just like it's one of those things that i really like and as you know i i do it and it's funny just because like i don't get back and like i'm just, you know, have you ever thought about it? Like, are you aware of this? Are you not?

Like, I just, I love it. And, like, if he has a reason or, like, if you guys can come to an understanding about it, great. And if not, maybe he'll be like, oh, I'll try more. And at the very least, they'll know so that if one day you're feeling sad because you haven't heard it in a week or two, you're not, like, low-key upset at them without admitting that you're upset. Yeah. And you have a bad day for no reason.

Exactly. I think being open is important, but also just like he, I'm sure has a way he expresses his affection and like, don't be unaware of that. Yeah. And like when you, especially they're a fairly new relationship. Also, it's only been a year. Yeah. Like that's, you know, like some people haven't even said, I love you after a year. So it's you know like some people haven't even said i love

you after a year so it's like i i don't know i wouldn't try put the cart before the horse necessarily right like maybe for him like his kind of like mileage varies with relationships and like it he doesn't dive in as much like the overt kind of like words of affection yeah um and like with with amanda and i we've been together for so long that like i don't want to say that i love you has become reactionary but it's like it's so ingrained in our day-to-day life and like it's it's so prevalent in just our conversations and stuff it's like anytime she goes i tell her she loves you before bed we have that forehead tattoo i do have the i do have the amanda i love you forehead tattoo um but like i so maybe get him one of those yeah maybe do that or get it put on you and be like like a script be like his name and then a colon and then so he remembers like that's

and then you put you embed a mirror onto his head so every time you look at him you see those words reflected back at you yeah um fuck what was i saying sorry um you're saying it was you're so part of your yeah so i've i've tried to like find moments where i can i can say other affirming things like she just put on she just produced her first burlesque show uh for new year's eve and it was amazing and it went really fucking well so like I made it a point to tell her how proud I was she like organized produced and performed

yeah it was fucking yeah and it went really smoothly everyone had the blast yeah so like I'm making I'm trying to find times

where I can like be like hey I'm really proud of you or like hey you're doing a really cool thing or you're doing a really great job and I think that super talented

I think that at like a certain point in your relationship you sort of start taking the, I love you for granted and not in a bad way. I don't mean it like less, but it's like, it's like, it's like, obviously shut the fuck up, Dan. I get that you love me.

Exactly. Um, but it's always nice to hear that someone like respects, uh, the work you're doing or is proud of the work you're doing. You also don't have to wait till long into a relationship to do that. No, absolutely not. Um, but it's, it's, it's an doing. You also don't have to wait to log into a relationship to do that. No, absolutely not. But it's an option. You know what I mean? It's like you don't necessarily have to like,

like I love you doesn't have to be the way that you say I love you. Yes, exactly. It can be through, you know what I mean? Or if they like a clean house and you're alone, tidy up the place. Yeah. Like there are things you can do

that show that you're- Just like giving time, giving attention, like, you know, small things. It's there are things you can do there are a lot that show that you're just like giving time giving it attention like you know small things it's like i love you is just like saying it is just literally one in a spectrum of ways yeah and everyone has their preferred ways of receiving and giving it and you know if yours aren't being met like of course talk about but like i don't ever know if you have the right to demand. Like, you know what I mean? Like, let's say I love getting gifts. Like, am I able to just be like, yo, partner, get me gifts? Or do I just kind of put it out there and see? I don't think you're ever able to really demand your love.

No, but it's really good to know. I feel like anyone who loves you will, you know. Yeah. Participate unless it's, you know, ridiculous or or over the top. I can't be like, I express I like getting love in the form of iPads. Or my iPads. You're obsessed with iPads. I don't like them.

They're stupid. No one even has one anymore. I guess. They were like a flash in the pan. A dumb flash. I think a lot of people still have iPads. Probably. I'm sorry guys. But yes, talk to your partner. Discuss. At a year, I think there's no reason why have iPads. Probably. I'm sorry, guys. But yes, talk to your partner, discuss. At a year, I think there's no reason why you can't have a conversation about how to express each other's love. And then go from there, figure it out, and then try to commit to each other to meet in the middle.

And if he's showing his love through acts of whatever, then I understand, like, oh, that's his way. Cool. Thanks. And I think, like, sometimes when you're used to doing it a certain way, you expect it back that way, and then when it's not that way, you don't understand it's coming at you from a different direction. Right? But, like, there are probably things he's doing that you're not clocking as I love you's because they're not I love you's, like, overtly.

But at the same time, it could be the same for him. Maybe one thing he's doing to you, you aren't doing back, right? Yeah. Like maybe, again, there's a whole bunch of them, but like, yeah, just have a chat. You're not touching him enough. Exactly. Have a chat, but do it positively. Yes.

Don't, don't, don't do it aggressively. Yeah, this isn't a need for a fight. This is a chance to like level up. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You always level up by fighting, getting experience. Sometimes you can do it by... Avoiding conflict, it's true. Yeah.

Disarming a trap. It's by Mad Maz. Wife will be gone for a week. What are some things I can do that can surprise her when she gets back? Like something for the home or something I can do? You read that so menacingly. Honestly, I saw this and I was like, oh God. But no, it's nice.

What are some things I can do that can surprise her when she gets back? Clean the damn house. Hell yeah. You read that so menacingly. Honestly, I saw this and I was like, oh God. But no, it's nice. What are some things I can do? It's a surprise when she gets back. Clean the damn house. Hell yeah. It's like anytime Amanda is away and I'm here by myself for a bit, I want trashed up place for no fucking reason. Of course. I'm just like, this place is mine.

I'm getting changed in places I would never get changed and I don't even know why I did it because now there's nowhere to put my clothes. Oh, the floor will do. Yep do yeah yeah um i always make sure like i try to clean as much as i can tidy everything up i put like you know you know just everything everything even surfaces that aren't hers like my desk is tidied i've tidied my dresser yeah there's nothing worse than coming back home and being like oh i got home yay and then you're like oh it's a mess yeah you know i mean like well i know specifically like before we go on a trip she cleans the place so that she can come back to a clean exactly because it's nice it's nice just come back and like not have any worries

you can just relax without like the guilt of like oh i gotta go do those dishes or even like the 17 pairs of dane socks are on the couch like fuck yeah that's always gonna be a thing yeah i leave my socks everywhere oh shit i'm actually just sitting on the throne of dane socks pretty much why are they so stiff don't worry about it uh yeah my girlfriend actually was away for a week and just got back yesterday and i cleaned the hell out of the place yeah and i cooked her a nice meal because when she was away apparently the food all sucked and i bought her a whole bunch of teas that are like remedies for like david's tea like cold tea gift pack thing there's all these like specific teas for like your throat and for your like sinuses and to like give you a vitamin c boost and all that shit because she also got a cold in cuba somehow good job it's very warm over there yeah um so yeah like things

like that like clean a little gift will go a nice way or even like have a meal ready because depending on your day or your length of travel or whatever, like airplane food, not great. Yeah. You also don't want to have to come home and then be like, shit, I got to go make dinner. So like if you're working when they get home, put something in the fridge, you know what I mean? Leave a nice little note, fresh sheets maybe.

Yeah. You know? Or even like if you, if she, if she is traveling, like if she's on like a 12 hour flight, get some nice bath stuff. Yeah. You know? Um, or even like if you, if she, if she is traveling, like if she's on like a 12 hour flight, get some nice bath stuff. Yeah. Have a bath ready. Cause like bath bomb.

I brought so many bath bombs to Dan's house today. You did. Um, there's like getting that travel stink off you is like the first thing I want to do. If I've been traveling, like the first thing I want to do is have a shower. Yeah. Um,

and it's, it's just so nice. And like being able to be like, Oh, okay. You I want to do is have a shower. Yeah. And it's just so nice. And, like, being able to be like, oh, okay, you're going to be home in 10 minutes? Cool. Just start running that bath and just be like, don't worry, I'll unpack for you. Get in the bath. Yeah. And then bath bomb the shit out of her. Yeah, just fucking blow that bitch.

No. 100%. Bath bomb the hell out of her. Also, like, maybe they want to go to bed. That's fine. But, like, maybe rent a movie. Nobody rents movies. That's the thing.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful. I don't even think you can rent movies anymore. No, I, but, like, you know, put the research in. Find, like, a movie you guys will like on Netflix, perhaps. Or somewhere else. I don't know. Yeah.

I'm sure you can rent them somewhere. Even if it's just, like, something as simple as, like getting a bottle of wine yeah having some candles lit because like doubtful that you have to go out just have like a chill plans like just engulf them into your comfy i miss you arms yeah it'll be great give them a little foot rub give them a back rub while they you know eat some fucking pizza and have a glass of wine and watch some... And then bone down because it's been a week. Yeah. And that's the best. Yeah. Yeah. Or, I mean,

like, if that's your relationship... Have a cup of tea ready. Just fucking bang them at the door. Yeah. I mean, you know. Not while you're holding the tea because that's dangerous.

Or while you're holding the tea. Show them how well... Practice. For a week, you're going to practice your steady hands. Seriously, while you hold a boiling mug of tea steady.

You've got, like, a pot of water on your head and you've got two things of, you know, just scalding hot water in your hands and you're steady honestly while you hold a boiling mug of tea you've got like a pot of water on your head and you've got two things of you know just scalding hot water in your hands and you're just what did your husband do while you were away oh he got himself put in hospital a full body cast and lost all his skin yeah skin grafts that's what he's done he's he's gotten skin grafts i came home and needed to give him eight percent of my flesh uh yeah he's just kind of like a smoldering mess yeah this is my flesh husband this is my my muscle husband he's nothing but he has no flesh anymore it's true yeah uh he's medium well this isn't uh i don't know what this is but we'll see where it goes

um user reddit user ortho jess asks after sex all i want is orange juice as long as i a 33 year old female can remember after my husband and i have sex all i crave is a huge glass of orange juice we keep it stocked just for that i can't sleep otherwise he knows too i have to go downstairs to bring it to me while i lay in ecstasy i do not drink it any other time any thoughts does anyone else have weird cravings right after sex firstly that sounds fucking awesome secondly i used to be like that with coca-cola i used to like fuck and then just like crave a can of coke and i would just like pop it and just i'd be in fucking heaven also having a nice cold beer after sex is incredible but i don't have any like massive cravings or anything like that anymore for me it's like i

just need a liter of water oh that's so boring oh man like i will down there's no amount of water you could put in front of me after sex that i wouldn't finish yeah no no coke or a beer nile no amount of water i i'm going to deliver a gallon keg i drink it you won't i literally will i will die yeah okay that's sorry guys this is the last episode of the podcast um i used to be i used to have when i was a younger man ice cream hell yeah and i would literally like when i was when i was single and and doing my dating around i I would often just, like, go and grab the, like, thing of ice cream, two spoons, and just be like, this is happening. You can take part if you want, but I'm going to eat this ice cream. No, afterwards.

Like, after we fucked, I would, like, you know, they would go to the bathroom. I would go grab two glasses of water and a thing of ice cream and just two spoons and just be like, let's get into this. Man, I'm heartbroken for you because you can't do that anymore. I guess you get vegan ice cream. Vegan ice cream has actually come a long way. It used to be real garbage. Wink. Come.

Oh. Wink. I thought you were trying to make a way joke, and I was like, that's still dairy. Yeah, that's what I used to do. Yeah, I feel like as a younger person, I just needed more electrolytes and sugar and the cool, refreshing taste of Coke. We're sponsored this week by Coke. Yeah. Pop open a new life, 2020, Coke.

That was pretty good bubble noises. Yep. Yeah, no, that's a strange one but like i get it and also i can just imagine just a smooth glass of orange juice coming down my throat after sex and it's the best i want this right now i fucking love orange juice man it's the goddamn best i get it i just like i want if anyone's listening and has their own thing they do to let let us know. I was literally about to say that. It's like, yeah, I definitely want, I want to know what your after sex cravings are. Yeah.

Because I don't know. I need to know. I don't know what to answer in this other than like, I get it, but I don't necessarily have one anymore. If I was smart, I would have put this on Instagram and asked and I could have read some of them out. But I'll do it next week. Next week.

But yeah, like I don't, I don't have one anymore. And even when I did, it was never like, I need it. I can't sleep. It was just like, I would love one. And my ex at the time used to always have Coke in the fridge and it was great. But yeah. I mean, that's the other thing is like having a partner that knows. Like if you're just there, just like in your after sex quakes.

Just dying and they bring you over a fucking glass of orange. They just sort of like enter into the room like some sort of white knight. I want orange juice so badly right now. I know. I didn't think about this. I only have soda water. Soda water is actually pretty good though. It's growing on me.

Yeah. Man, we're so lame. I know. Next question? Yep. This one goes on for a little long, but, you know, we'll see. So my 22-year-old female boyfriend, 25-year-old male, made a new friend, who's a girl, a month ago and is now doing favors for her I feel are reserved for us slash good friends slash family. By Pinky Sunday.

Jesus, that was the title? Yes. Holy fuck. It goes on for a while, so, like, I'll try, skip over what I can. Okay. We've been dating for three years. A month ago, he tells me he met this girl while surfing, kicked her head underwater by accident while trying to dive under a wave.

When he told me, I was like, oh, shit, that's fucked up. You owe her a drink. She happened to pop up on a friend's Instagram story, and he replied to it saying, hey, can you tell your friend I'm sorry? I think I kicked her earlier today while surfing. Yes, the friend put them in contact, and they DM each other. I'm not sure what they messaged about, but I guess they got around to talking about what she does who she is how old she is 21 says she moved to our state recently has no other friends apart from the one

that posts on instagram so my boyfriend said she asked you can join him whenever he surfs because she has no one to surf with so on the same conversation he told me surfed to her a couple of times and that was that after the conversation i did not express frustration anger jealousy i told him i was happy he made a friend and in my head i thought to myself i'd probably do the same she was never brought up until yesterday when i told him how his mom offered to drop us off the airport airport in two months uh i said all he needs is a ride back which can probably be her sister since she's dropping her off and picking her up at the airport next week then he brings up well i'm already going there monday i ask him why he says to pick up a friend i ask which friend he says that girl uh she's coming back to town tomorrow

and there's no one else to pick her up so i responded all that for a girl you just met and laughed it off but in my head come on what the fuck a girl you just met you are not going to drive an hour to the airport an hour back for a girl you just met you would do that for family close friends and your girlfriend i wouldn't do that if the tables were turned went to his instagram found her right away i know this because she had her age and the two states on her bio she's cute she's totally cute she's his type we're similar in style i could see why he's doing these favors i roll anyway i'm planning to confront him and ask him about details i don't know if i'm just gonna set him in his place or break up with him how does this sound to you guys? Whoa. Yep. Yikes. Sorry, I know that went on a while, but...

Oh, boy. So, yeah, I get it. Like, I can't sit here and say that I probably wouldn't be a little jealous. I don't, you know what I mean? If I was in that position. But that is to say, if you make friends with someone and they're literally the only person you know, I don't think it's unreasonable to be like, yeah, I got you.

Like, I don't, I don't know. If the only thing they're doing is surfing and like, they're not like, you know, staying out until like three in the morning and drinking together like every night. Like, there doesn't really seem to be enough for me to be like, oh, driving to the airport. That must mean you're cheating on me um all right but it doesn't even seem like she's insinuating that he's cheating it just seems that he's like doing one thing he's interested in her like is like there's the chance that he might find her attractive or like might be attracted to her it's like he so a few things firstly like as someone who has been to many goddamn fucking airports and like traveled to and from countries a lot and also moved to a place and not known anybody

this is the best yeah like making your way from the airport by yourself just sucks because as previously stated you're exhausted you're tired you got that travel stank you just everything's horrendous especially if you're trying to get downtown yeah you gotta walk fast faces passing your homebound and i drive you so now i'm single my girlfriend's great. Yeah. I would say that too. So honestly, for me, like if someone had offered, I would probably have been like, oh my God, like that would be the best. And maybe they would have offered like just politely expecting me to say no, but I wouldn't say no because that would be the best.

And then they're trapped and then they have to do it. So that's one option. Two, who's to say they're not good friends? You know what I mean? Maybe they're like do it. So that's one option. Two, who's to say they're not good friends? You know what I mean? Maybe they're like hitting it off. And like, if I start rock climbing with someone, we'd probably get pretty tight pretty quickly because like when you're doing your passion with someone,

it kind of like accelerates things. You know what I mean? Because like they then become linked to like that thing. And like, also if this person has nothing, he's being a really nice person by going out of his way. And it also means more when that person doesn't have other things so it's like if you know you're the only friend for this person all of a sudden you have like a little bit more responsibility exactly than your average friend

yeah if if someone like if i knew that someone had just moved into to toronto and like they were only staying like they managed to get all their shit into a place for like a week and then they were moving into their actual apartment, I would help them move. Because who the fuck else is going to help you move? Also, as someone who has moved so many fucking times, I know that moving is the worst. So I'm not going to be like, oh, hey dude,

I can't be like, ah, you've got other friends. Yes, if I just met someone, and I was like, oh, you have probably best friends or a boyfriend or whatever, who's going to help you move? Cool. but if i know you don't have those things i being hopefully a decent human being i'm gonna offer to help yeah because i know you don't have anyone else to help and like people have done that to for me like hundreds of times since i moved here you know what i mean like people have gone out of their way and done more than what you would reasonably expect because they recognized when i got here that like i didn't have a support system like i didn't have family i didn't have like i

couldn't call my dad to get the car it was just me so like people went above and beyond like i had a fucking random couple uh who knew i was having a tent like i went to a place to try and rent it and that turned out it all been already been like rented and all this shit. They gave me the keys to their place for two weeks as they were going on a trip for no charge. They didn't know who the fuck I was. And they were like, Hey, we just, we, we know you're going through a difficult time and you can stay here free of charge because we're cool people.

That's not the kind of thing you do to just anybody, but I literally was just anybody. I didn't end up staying because I got a place in the meantime and I like gave it back but they're still some of my favorite people i don't even know who the fuck they are but they are angels yeah um so these things all make me think that this boyfriend's really cool and this person maybe needs to chill out also on his side he's been pretty open about this whole thing that's the thing if he wasn't like sneaking around it's not like oh who's this girl you're hanging out with all the time and then oh wait where were you yesterday he could have literally just been like going surfing with friends because clearly he serves and that so it's not out of the like out of the ordinary you know what i mean so you probably already have like a group of people he could have not mentioned her at all yeah and

just kept being like oh i'm going surfing and she'd be like oh okay cool have fun yeah because like you're probably going surfing with your surfing friends yeah but to be like oh hey i i kicked this girl in the head and it's a funny yeah and then for you also to be like you owe her a drink and then him to be like oh well i just saw her on instagram yeah maybe i'll say sorry and like it kind of develops from there i don't know i know and also you're never going to do yourself any favors by being super jealous no um i don't think there's enough i definitely think the breaking up with him is off the tip like hey you might be doing him a favor yeah yeah i think that's a massive over step i think it's fine again it's okay to be jealous that is a normal human emotion and in this situation like i get it she's cute she's doing

a thing that like he does yeah that you're not a part of i guess yeah i totally get it it makes sense and it's there's no harm also in being like hey i you know she's making me a little insecure yeah um and then he can do with that information whatever he wants i don't think it's fair in a chill way i don't think it's fair to give him an ultimatum no i don't think it's like i want you to stop seeing her because she makes me yeah i think that's the worst i think that's because that's a you problem not a him problem and then you're making it a his him problem yeah because at one point does it stop like is does he now get a veto if you have any male friends that are like who are attractive you know chris hemsworth types do you does he just get to be like uh he's you know he's

way too handsome i don't want you hanging out with him or being like you work with him you gotta need a new job yeah like that's like it's a slippery slope the wildest yeah and the thing is as we've said before like you do or you don't trust your partner yeah so there isn't a gray area it's not like you don't trust him around this one person solve the problem by driving a wedge between them exactly that's wild so maybe like again if you do say it to him don't go into it aggressively don't go into it accusatorily if that's the word you know accusationally is that a word don't be accusatory accusatory yeah let's just go with that oh my god we are good at podcasting um you're the writer fuck you i don't know every

word i can do good stories i do the the goodest stories um so yeah like like you can bring it up but be chill and like just like don't make it a big violent like aggressive thing and maybe like offer a solution such as being like how about she comes over and we all get some beers or something like how about we hang out that's the thing it's like maybe invite or like see if you can set her like double date yeah you know i mean and be like cool well you have you know steven who's a single dude like bring him up let's all go to karaoke one night just like oh it sucks that like it must be hard for not having any friends like we're all going out as friends to like this board game cafe invite her yeah then you get to see her you get to see how they act she gets to have other friends and

like it's you're gonna be like maybe you'll be really and that's the thing is you're looking at this as a as a competitor and that i think is i think it's pretty common amongst women or i guess probably even anyone, really. As soon as they're the same gender that your partner is attracted to, you're missing the opportunity to make a friend. She could be a really, really good friend. If she's his type and you're his type, it would go to stand that, like, you probably have something in common, which means that you could probably be friends, as opposed, and, like, if you guys,

if you're worried, if there's something in you that's like, ooh, I hope not, there's less of a chance of anything happening if you guys are all friends. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. It's like, even if she's nefarious and wants to steal your boyfriend,

like, it takes a very, very specific type of person to come hang out with you and then the second you're out of the room be like steve it's still on you know what i mean like that's yeah like you're gonna mitigate the chances your partner's gonna like you more because you're not all up in their face and like ruining their life by forbidding who they can and can't hang out with with kind of no reason other than them doing a nice thing which is also shit to get punished for doing a nice thing right and also if he's like no i don't want her coming over or like no i don't want you guys to meet like maybe then you start to get a little more like if for some reason you guys can never meet also seeing like when when you know if he's like oh i'm going surfing with you know sarah in head, you don't know how they're interacting.

You're imagining them frolicking on the beach, all sweaty and half naked. You got some sand on your butt, pat, pat. Oh, can you rub some lotion on me? It could be so painfully platonic. I missed a spot. What spot? My genitals. That seeing them interact together, you'd be like, oh, yeah, there is no chemistry here.

In your mind, she forgot her bathing suits. They have to share his shorts. And he's got to, like, cover her boobs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Guys, forgive me. He has to cover her bahungalahongas with his hands. Oh, shit.

I totally forgot. Do they say bahungalahongas at all yet? I don't think so. Damn it. I don't think we've said it. Can you tattoo that on your forehead next to you loving your girlfriend? I'll leave you a mirror

implanted in your forehead. No, I will. Also, while we're apologizing, I want to apologize to Sharon Stone. It was not fatal attraction. It was basic instinct in the movie. Yeah, we are really good at podcasting and movie trivia.

Yeah. There was another thing I wanted to apologize about and I don't remember what it was. Was it serious? No. Good. Not on behalf of all of you, it's serious.

Also, check out plentyofbeef.ca, because we weren't lying. Yes, I did. I did snack plenty of beef for a dollar. Hell yeah. All right, but yeah, just take a step down from Angertown into just trusting your partner town yeah rational thought town yeah i'm like yeah just so one thing that i found interesting was in the comments people were saying offer to go on the ride with him yeah uh which i think is a decent bad idea however i do think it is kind of like it it's maybe clear if someone does that, that you

might be like, okay, I think they're doing this just because they're jealous or they don't trust me. And I think the girl would also probably know that. Yeah. So I think there is a risk somewhat slight that even if intentions are pure, he might be like, oh, that's okay. Just because like, you know, he's doing this favor. They've been traveling, whatever.

He doesn't want them to get out of, you know, plain town into Judgment Car and drive an hour. And I don't think that should also be a deal breaker. If he says, like, no, it's okay. Or, like, oh, it's fine. Like, I think maybe if that keeps happening, yes, you can be worried. I don't think in that one instance if he did say no. But I also think it's not a bad option to offer. Yeah, it's not bad

even if you're just like you you're hanging out like even better get this fucking episode on and listen to it on the way back because then you're gonna literally be hitting them over the head with it but you can just pretend you have no idea what's happening oh no a lot of people surf really that's kick women in the ocean that must happen a lot i'm like jesus how many people are out there kicking women this comes comes from Reddit user Blueberry Cupcake. So I moan like an anime girl and no one's told me.

Pardon? I moan like an anime girl and no one's told me. I finally had some alone time and I put in my headphones and went to town. But then my video started buffering and that's when I heard it.

In that split second, I thought to myself, who the hell is home? I'm watching hentai. Then I realized it's me. I was moaning like an anime girl. I've had sex with two people and had a lot of phone sex with another person and not once has anyone told me. I feel like this is cursed information that no one should ever have to discover for themselves. I don't even have a high-pitched voice. I used to be an alto, and while I know nothing about singing, I sure as hell know it's no soprano. But there I was, sounding like a loli in an amazingly dubbed hentai.

Will people be repulsed by this leading me to only sleep with weebs while wearing cosplay? Or will people be okay with it? Will people even notice? This is a real weird question, man. How do you not know what you sound like when you moan until your video buffers once and then you're so shocked by it that you think another person is in the house

listening to cartoon porn that's a wild that's a wild ride to be on because that doesn't make any sense it's like what are you doing during sex you're not hearing anything yeah like it just fucked by holding the sides of your head and accidentally covering your ears? Even then, that makes things louder. True. Yeah, like, this doesn't make any... It's not a real question. It's a shitpost. It's gotta be. It might be, yeah.

It's gotta be. But also, let's pretend it isn't. That's the nature of the game here. Yeah, okay. You fuck two people, they haven't said something about it. So either one, they're too nervous to let you know that it is not cool or two they're into it right i think if your pleasure is genuine yes 90 that 90 i think if your pleasure is genuine you're fine 10 sometimes people make really annoying noises and there's no getting around that i'm sorry but it should be genuinely annoying i'm not too well i should have listened to some hentai no that never mind this like i

only know no no you've opened this door i need you to walk through it so i watch anime and i every now and then like for example full metal alchemist they will yell like a certain word so even though you're watching those subtitles you start to learn some japanese like yato means like i did it uh i was about to yell the word for brother oh yeah it's one of the only ones i know because there's two brothers and they're always like no brother uh that would have gotten weird then so i stopped myself but then you made me almost say it technically so thanks dane you've sullied this episode i thought you were gonna make like hentai noises. That's the door I wanted you to walk through.

Is that it? I don't know. I assume it's just like high-pitched shit, right? I mean, yeah. It's like if it's just sex noises. I don't know. I assume it's just high-pitched shit, right? Like what? Are you speaking Japanese?

Yeah. Do you like, you know, do you switch over and start speaking like- When you cum, do you yell, Yatta! I did it. This is the... It's like, if the moments you're making

aren't performative, like, if you are unaware that you're doing it... Yeah, if you're so unaware that it's taken you this long to know what you sound like, I'm assuming you're not putting it on. Also, I'm sure no one gives a fuck.

Yeah. Unless it's really annoying. I will tell you, like, I think I've mentioned this before, one, like, one of the worst times I ever had sex or the worst person was someone who literally roared and screamed like a fucking, like, angry bear.

They were just like, and I even brought it up with them, and I was like, look, hey, heads up. One, I'm not the only person who lives here, so can you dial it down a second bit? And I was like, two, I really feel like you're putting it on. She admitted that she was. And I was like, then why are you doing it?'re putting it on. She admitted that she was. And I was like, then why are you doing it? And then we did it again and she still did it. I was like,

no one's enjoying this. My roommates aren't enjoying this. One was 83. Yeah. It's yeah. You're not enjoying this. I'm not enjoying this. If you're, if it's just happening,

I honestly, I think if it's, sorry, I'm going to, I'm going to assume that no one gives a fuck. If it's sorry i'm gonna i'm gonna assume that no one gives a fuck if it's genuine you are how would how would you are scared that you're only gonna have to wear cosplay and fuck weebs how would anyone like look at you and be like oh yeah that's a that's a hentai girl right there it's like no one's gonna know yeah this is make no it doesn't

make no sense doesn't make no sense i know doesn't make no sense. Uh, I know like this person spelled it. Exactly. No, you're, you're good. Just make sure it's genuine and maybe have a chat with a partner. If you,

if you sleep with someone like more than once or even just once, who knows? Just be like, Hey, just a heads up. Like, was I allowed or whatever? And you can like get the reaction on it.

They'll probably be like, yeah, you were allowed or that was hot as hot as fuck yeah because most sex sounds are yeah this is the thing is like i have probably been with like the full spectrum of sex noises from like like silence to you know full-on screaming yeah um and i like i would say the only ones that i didn't enjoy were the two extremes yeah and again like i just mentioned one example but that's pretty much it and i've like again as you said there's been people who've done even weird sounds or like anything that has never bothered me like chittered um and i'm like i don't know what i'm doing that's making you do that but i've never had anyone do that so So I'm assuming that I'm just like, broken, like your mind.

I'm broken. I'm broken you. I'm assuming that your mind is now shattered at my like sexual prowess. Like, I'm not like, Oh, one feels bad that they're eliciting, like, seemingly uncontrolled. Yeah. Like, it's, it's fine. It's cool. Like I, there's nothing better than that.

Yeah. But again, you can always have an open conversation and also just make sure it's fine. It's cool. Like, there's nothing better than that. Yeah. But again, you can always have an open conversation and also just make sure it's genuine. So, Mai, there's a few people involved in this. Okay. I'm ready. Just be ready. This is by, oh, I'll tell you the name afterwards. So, Mai, he's a 23-year-old male.

Okay. Father. Yes. 67-year-old male. Okay. Wants my sperm to impregnate the woman, 39-year-old male. Okay. Father. Yes. 67-year-old male. Okay. Wants my sperm to impregnate the woman, 39-year-old female. He cheated on my mother, 62-year-old female, with 13 years ago. Okay.

I got it. By Don't Call Me Daddy, bro. Yep. Title says most of it. It should have been Don't Call Me... Oh, yes. No, that makes sense. Yep.

I'm tracking it. After not seeing the woman he left my mother for for years, they are now back together. She is living with him. Yesterday, he came into my house, swore me to secrecy, told me they're going to get married and want to have a baby. Specifically, she wants a baby and I wouldn't mind it. He then proceeds to tell me he is shooting blanks and wants my genetics.

He said I'd be absolved from being the father, but also my dad is 67, not particularly healthy. He was relatively aware about the fact that he would probably die before this kid is in high school. Also, my father is financially independent, but as you might gather by now, batshit. He's likely experiencing some level of onset dementia and also historically has rage issues and some type of undiagnosed personality disorder. Anywho, I am not considering doing this, but here is the reason I'm asking for advice. How do I tell him no? How would I approach talking about this?

He says I was his first choice, so I imagine he will still find a way to make this happen. Now that we have an appropriate time, I'm going to open that door that you cracked open. This is now a time to scream brother in Japanese. Nissan! Thank you. That's a weird situation to be in.

I think, I mean, I'm glad that he's not trying to be talked out of the situation. I'm glad that he's like, I'm not doing this. Thank God that he knows. Because the thing is, it goes a long time before he says that. Yes. So you know every single person reading is like. Yeah, it's just like. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, grip on the armchair. Because that would be just a weird situation yeah you don't want that um i think it was like he cheated on his mom 13 years ago which presumably you like that was a everyone knew that this happened and the relationship crumbled because of this i think that is enough of a reason to be like uh no you hurt mom yeah who i love and care about with this woman yeah i am not helping you in any asset like i like even if you still love your father which you know it's family i get it you can you can mend things but it's like i'm not i'm not i don't approve of like approve of this relationship and i'm not helping you yeah bring another kid into this world with this woman that

you ruined mom's life with yeah i think sorry not gonna happen i think it's threefold that definitely uh secondly i feel like me being the father of your child is super bizarre maybe dad yes yeah and thirdly maybe be like hey if he's semi-aware he's going to die before this kid is in high school, maybe just be like, is this actually what you want to do? Because saying, I wouldn't mind it, is one thing. But secondly, you're going to leave this woman alone with a child who doesn't have a dad. Well, technically. Well, I know.

Technically, he does. Yeah, but like, just maybe sit him down. Get a corona, because this is family. This is a family issue. Yeah. You got to crack a cold Corona. Yeah. Corona is four days.

Maybe do a few donuts in a parking lot. Yeah. Find your fucking like. Hit the NOS. Yeah. Oh, you definitely got it. You got to like. This is an argument.

Right when you're about to say no, you got to hit that NOS. Yeah. Because it says nose. Yes. Exactly. You just covered the S. And then when you blast across the finish line, you and your dad get out and you look at each other. You pop a Corona.

You throw it. Well, maybe throw it to him first. And then you clink and you say, you look into his eyes and you clap a hand on the shoulder and you say, you know. And then I think it'll probably work itself out. If not, I'm worried that if the woman who he's trying to get pregnant watches that, she'll just sort of... Spontaneously give birth? Yes, I think it will.

Just pretty much like Vin Diesel. Just a full-grown Vin Diesel will just rip his wary through... Plus side, hey, that kid's made it through high school without you dying. Downside, he's murdered your wife. Because he's torn his way. Did Vin Diesel make it through high school? Do we know this for a fact? Past the age of high school, yeah.

I'm going to look it up. Not that I doubt it, just because I suddenly want to know. Did Vin Diesel graduate high school? I bet he did. Probably. I bet he was a big fucking nerd. Well, he apparently plays D&D. Yeah, quote unquote.

Please tell me what you Google search right now. Did Vin Diesel graduate high school? Perfect. And we have a whole website based on Vin Diesel's education background. Oh, hell yes. What's the URL? His name is Mark Sinclair. What's the URL?

The URL is eduinreview.com forward slash blog forward slash 2013. I was hoping it was going to be like smartvindiesel.com. Is his twin brother named Paul? Like Paul Walker. Is Paul Walker his twin brother? Oh, my God. He faked his death. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he did.

There was nothing funny about that. I just wanted to know. Yeah, I feel like you've got to have real talks with him over Coronas. I also like getting back to a little bit of serious town. Um, there's, there's no harm in just saying no. Yeah. Like, no dad, I'm not doing this. But I think.

And if he's like, well, why not? Be like, cause it's fucking lunacy. Yeah. What you're saying is lunacy. This woman hurt our family too. I'm not going to be the father of your child. Like that's wild. And three, you shouldn't do this because you know.

I don't want to be my brother's dad. Say it exactly like that. I think that sentence is enough to make anyone. Yeah, I mean, like, if you're worried that this guy is, you know, early onset dementia, has health problems, also might imply that he's going gonna beat this kid with the rage issues oh yeah I guess you know what I mean it's like

I think there's enough in that to just sort of be like get out of my house you crazy old man get the fuck out of my house you can do it

more tactfully than that I don't think you have to though depending depending cause like yeah this is this is a wild ass

situation that I think you can you can just nope the wild ass situation that I think you can you can just nope the fuck out of there yeah I think you have to

hit your life nos button just rock it on out of there yeah launch yourself off another car off one of the

cop cars that are chasing you just launch yourself off that over a river to freedom yep thank you very much

for listening uh I feel like we mentioned it 2020 is going to be a good year for all of us um so thank you very much for listening. Thank you. I feel like we mentioned it. 2020 is going to be a good year for all of us. So thank you very much for joining us. Thanks for sticking with us. Thanks for listening for the first time if you are doing that.

If people have sent you our way, give them a hug because you're part of the family now. We're giving you ear coronas. If you want to get a hold of us, if you want to send us a question so that we can answer it for you, you can hit us up on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. Niall has actually been very active

on Twitter recently, so if you want to tweet at us, if you want to have a little chitty chat with us, one of us will do it. It's probably going to be Niall. We finally learned how to use the internet. Yeah, we're getting there do it. It's probably going to be Niall. We finally learned how to use the internet. Yeah, we're getting there. Also, if you're Sharon Stone, I tweeted you and you haven't replied.

Yeah, come on, Sharon Stone, please. If you want to email us, you can email us at fbuddiespodcast.gmail.com. You can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harbor Cities for the song, Paper Stars. Oh, I've never been more excited to

stretch out for sex writing because I'm so sore. We're back with Steffi's Lusty Lovers. Also, I'm getting old. I'm getting sick of this book for many reasons. Someone send me some bad sex writing if you see any because, I don't know, I'm getting lazy. Or, we've mentioned this briefly before.

If you've written your own if you're like Kyle and have just a secret stash of your own honestly I would like him to write an entire novel and then us read it slowly

through the ages really slowly if you have teenage erotica that you've written from like Harry Potter or some shit, please send it to us. We would love it. We will hold it and cherish it. And we will also laugh at it.

You ready? Yes. Her moan sounded like tiny gurgles as she kept licking and sucking. Then, without warning, Austin's penis expanded in her mouth and began splashing warm juices against the roof of her throat. Shit, Austin cried as his nuts exploded in the older woman's warm, fantastic mouth. Stephanie sucked him as hard as she could, greedily taking every drop of the youth's passion down her throat. How she loved to swallow the calm of these delicious lovers.

His warm cream oozing down her throat made her body shake in response, lifting her to new heights of passion. Oh. Oh my heavens, yes. Fuck me, Terry. Stephanie screamed when she felt Terry's cock begin pumping its load up into her bowels. She reached back and clutched at Terry's swaying balls

and began squeezing them as one explosion after another ripped through her body. She's getting bath bombed. Yeah. Now, now. Fuck. Fuck me. Nissan!

Yeah, I just, I feel like that'll do us. Also, I find it really funny because our friend Terry, we have a friend named Terry, and he feels uncomfortable every time. Oh, I fucking hate it. I read these Terry sex scenes. Terry, let me tell you right now. Man to man. I see you. I picture you. This is the mental

image I have. If you're exploding nuts. Over and over again. This book is so grim. The worst is the fucking guy on the back. I hate him. Overly long tongue. I hate him overly long tongue i hate him now let's place bets is damn back oh i think he is you think he's he's ready with that 2020 power

yeah i think he's i think he's charged he's rejuiced he's he's ready for it i think we've said his name enough times that we've summoned him from the depths from the damn nope shit now I'm nervous now before it was joke now now I'm scared before we could hear him coming now we no idea where he is yeah could be in this very closet it's like when you lose a spider at night you know he's here somewhere but you don't know where Dan says why did me and my girlfriend break? I still love her and I want her back. And there's stock photography of him trying to hand a giant heart to someone and them saying no. Yeah, I mean, that's... That's just pretty much a paraphrase of every other one.

Yeah. I mean, it's the most genuine. I think so. And the less, the least, like, cryptic. Yeah, I know. Are you ready for your After Dan Mint? I hope you're doing okay, Dan. You know he is.

You know he's just festering somewhere with his power. Probably. On his horde of male sadness. Maybe they got back together. Maybe.

Maybe. I kind of hope not. Just judging by all the posts about like, hey, what's he doing? Yeah, exactly. Are you ready for your Dan Mint? Yeah.

So this comes from a Pornhub user. Want to see mine? Can I guess now? And here's a question. I think this is going to take us all week to sort of think about. Okay. Why girls go together in the restroom? My name is Dan Miller.

And I'm Niles Payne. And we are your fuck buddies. And why do they? You'll never know.