F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 69+1 - Drive By Seduction

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

Hey, y'all wanna make a stape?  Come on, we could both have a stape to remember our time together.  Also, don't freak out by the episode numbering, it's a dumb joke that we'll only do once.  Topics include catching stape fever, not his cup of pee, allergic reaction to attraction, making sex a chore, drunk driving pick up techniques, first date ice breakers.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niles Spang. You're your fuck buddies. That's not even a thing.

That's not even... No. That's like the anti-cheers. Just clink. There you go. Hey, we're your fuck buddies. Welcome back. Let's just pull sound effects from...

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to interrupt you already. We're running out of time. It's 1.25 months. We still haven't solved 69. Do you have anything? I'm not... I'm not solving it. He's doing doing all the work i don't care about 69 okay well if he wants to solve 69 he comes to us all the wind out of my sail sorry welcome back hello how many of you

have bought a vagina candle in the last week everyone hopefully i hope not and now all of your noses are poisoned. Yeah. Your nose vaginas are full of eggs. And now you're going to hatch a bunch of Gwyneth Paltrow's. They're all going to pour out your nose and then lay goop eggs inside your mouth and slowly work your way down to your holes.

Also, that's our new screenplay, so you can't take that idea. Yeah, where Gwyneth Paltrow just slowly reproduces within all of your bodies. It's Iron Man 4. Let's fucking crack into it, I guess. You have a question? You want to go first?

Oh, okay. Let's start off with a weird one. Okay. In sexting, can I use stape as referring word to sex tape? No. No, you can't. Yeah. That sounds like an STD.

Right? Isn't that really? It's a very weird term. Oh, sorry. Sorry, baby. I got the sta't. Yeah. That sounds like an STD. Right? Isn't that really? It's a very weird term. Oh, sorry. Sorry, baby. I got the stape. Yeah. Hey, you want to make stape together?

Pardon? You want to make stape? Did you say steak? You want to cook steak? No. Me and you will take a little stape home tonight each. Are you saying that like, are you shortening some sort of pasta? Yeah. Like stape home tonight each are you are you saying that like are you shortening some sort of pasta like yeah stepanelli oh i love stepanelli yeah it's tape no don't say

stape ever is a terrible word it sounds like a medical procedure or a disease or both probably the like you need to get stapes to take out what you have inside your penis yeah maybe i don't like any of it no right i i feel like this person like they the body of the thing got deleted and it's it's not much but i don't need to know anything well no you do because the way the way they were implying it was like they were going to be sexting people that they kind of like had just met and it's like if you're asking people to make a sex tape with you but you don't really like i feel that they kind of like had just met and it's like if you're asking people to make a sex tape with you but you don't really like i feel like that you kind of got to be at a certain point with people before you make a stape yes it seemed to be his like opening salvo which

i feel is a little weird one because stape is just a painful word but two swing for the fences i get no actually no that is not going to be my advice yeah i think you just open open big go big old bigger go home go stape or go home i've changed my mind stape is my new word yeah i know i that was a quick one but i feel like we got there don't don't make up your own fucking slang it was it like an attempt to be like yeah i guess and then be like oh it actually stands for sex tape gotcha like it was that their their plan to just like get people to agree to something they don't know what it is like well one i don't think that's legally binding but two i don't i think anyone would be like scape that sounds it sounds healthy yeah sure

sure let's do it let's make it let's make it happen. Yeah, I don't know. This comes from Reddit user SoEasy5411775. Humiliated. Accidentally urinated during sex. Oh, poop. Yep, the title says it all. I recently met this guy that I actually really liked, which is rare, and I thought he was super into me as well. That night, we had sex, and I was unaware that I had a very bad UTI.

I was really in the moment, and I realized that I was really wet. But I'm a squirter, so I didn't think much of it. Afterwards, it was clear that I had a very bad UTI. I was really in the moment, and I realized that I was really wet. But I'm a squirter, so I didn't think much of it. Afterwards, it was clear that I got too wet. We both noticed that the covers were pretty wet. At this point, I'm slightly panicking. I was so into the actual sex, and I didn't know if I urinated a bit during it or not. But he didn't say anything about it, and he just removed the covers to wash them later. He then suggested that I join him in the shower.

Looking back, this was very pointed. For the rest of the night, we were laughing and everything seemed okay. I stayed over at his place. The next morning, I immediately went to the doctor and found out I indeed had a UTI and started taking antibiotics for a right after. A few days later, I hit him up thanking for the great time and he told me that he had a good time, but he was really turned off by the whole urination thing and said, not sure if it's a normal thing for you but it's not my cup of tea sorry of course it's not a normal thing for me and I explained how I was extremely embarrassed by the whole thing and I actually had a you bad UTI that caused it he then told me I'm sorry about that that really sucks

you're really fun girl but I think it's best we stopped talking after crying for a good five hours I'm now on this site asking y'all for your opinion on this because it currently feeling like the grossest person on the planet. Can I have a look at that for a sec? Mm-hmm. I feel like I missed a key point. Nope, didn't miss anything. It just doesn't make sense.

Okay. What doesn't make sense? Well, I was just like, because if you have a bad UTI, you would have noticed probably, and you also would probably not have enjoyed sex whatsoever. You would have been probably in quite a bit of pain. Like, UTIs, they are not fun down there like i don't know anyone who's happy to have sex while they're having uti especially not a bad one so like the fact that you were really enjoying it and then there was liquid everywhere you probably just squirted a bit that's the thing like if you don't

know whether you came or pissed, you probably came. Like, if you were enjoying yourself and then there was, like, wetness everywhere, like, did neither of you know that it's probably just you squirting or cumming? I don't know. It's pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. They have pretty distinct... Yeah, well, maybe it smelled weird. Maybe it was, like, a yeast infection or something.

I don't know but the thing is like nothing in that apart from their fear made me think that like they never said it smelled weird they never said it was like yeah certain color never said anything they just said like there was more liquid and like they just thought they were wet i don't know so all of that leads me to believe that they probably just came but i mean i guess like i feel like you don't accidentally you're not just like don't know if i came or not like i feel like that's also a very but they also said they were really in the mood and we're getting like super wet i can't imagine that you would be like oh like because if you were like super wet but you weren't enjoying yourself you would probably like double like you would probably question that i can't imagine you'd be like, wow, that was amazing. I was so wet. And then afterwards you'd

be like, wait a minute. Is that pee? Well, I don't know. It might also be like, if she knows when she squirts or not, and there's a- Could be her first time. A lot of people, like when they've squirted have been super embarrassed. She says she's a squirter. Oh, so maybe I did miss something. Yeah. Okay. I got the impression that this was like a first time for her. No, no. She says she's a squirter, so. Oh. So at what point does, like, what's the difference then between this and her usual squirting?

She doesn't. Well, I think she knows that she didn't squirt. Okay. And therefore, the only way that this much liquid came out of her was urination. Weird. Because also, I'm pretty sure, like, having sex while being on a UTI has nothing to do with peeing, unless I'm wrong, because I have no idea.

I don't know a whole lot about female UTIs, or just UTIs in general. I've thankfully never had one. The fundamentals of this question is, is she the grossest person on the planet? No. Something happened that you had no control over um like that that's fine yeah like it's you it happens yeah it sucks sometimes it's like it sucks

and like to be fair at least this person was straight up with you like i know obviously it's not a fun thing to hear but like they were cool after like you guys spent a bunch of time he wasn't weird he did suggest your shower which you know again if you thought you peed i don't know why that wasn't the first thing on your mind but whatever um so like yeah it sucks but at least they seem to have done kind of like the good bad thing yeah i mean like it wasn't the best response but they went about in the right way like they were straight up and honest right but the thing is like he's also 100 within his rights to just be like i mean you peed all over my house i don't really want to see you again yeah like that's that's a very fair response it's it's fair for you to be upset it it sucks it's fair for you to be

embarrassed it's an embarrassing thing to happen but at the same time it's like this guy doesn't owe you yeah i don't think you can hold against. He could have just ghosted you or been a dick. Because that was what I wanted to bring up was in the comments of this question. It was a lot of like, he's an asshole. You're lucky you dodged a bullet. He's not worth marrying. And that was a big thing for everyone was like, oh, he's not marriage material. And I'm just like, okay, you just met him.

So he's not marriage material at all yet either. Anyway, no matter what he's doing. Also, he probably just had to clean up piss his whole day. It's one of those things that sticks with you. If this was a first date or a fairly first date, you have to weigh things as to how they impact you. So if you have a great first date, cool. You have great sex. That's going to boost your image in his mind if you pee all

over the place that's that's a pretty powerful memory to overlook because now guess what he's gonna look at you and be like oh you're the pee girl yeah like and it sucks that that happened didn't have a good i'm still confused about the whole thing maybe i didn't listen well enough while i was listening to that thing because it seems to me that, like, I don't know if they actually peed. It sounded like a mystery in this. But anyway, if the peeing happened, like, yeah, he had to clean up pee and deal with pee. And, like, I'm pretty sure if the worlds were reversed

and a guy pissed all over your bed, you would not in any way be considering them. You probably would never talk to them. You'd also probably, probably like a lot of people wouldn't be chill about it he seemed to at least give you the like the courtesy of like being straight up and like talking to you and also let's be fair when he brought it up you were like no i just have an infection in my vagina that's the only thing yeah it's like the whole situation like you've just like again utis are fine i'm not saying that but it's just like really all you've had together is like a time when you peed. And then when you brought it up, you were like, no, it's just the infection in my vagina.

Yeah, it's one of those things where it's like you've layered all these very unsexy things on top of each other. On the first date when you don't know each other. Yeah, it's like you've tipped the scales into i don't see you as a sexual creature anymore like i i even like there could have been other stuff maybe the date in general you know what i mean like there are a million reasons that you're totally allowed to not see someone i feel like he went about it a pretty respectful polite way also if you pee during sex you probably peed on him too so that's yeah... Yeah. You peed on him. That's probably something that... Yeah, just... I love the best part is, like,

he says, like, I don't know about you or whatever, but I'm not into it, which makes me feel like he thinks it was intentional as well. Yeah, that's also true. That's the best part. He doesn't think it's an accident.

He thinks you were straight up like, mm, but try this for flavor. And he's like... So that's really funny to me. Yeah. Like... So, sorry, it sucks. Move sucks move on but also you're not gross whatever it was it was a fuck up it was an accident like a p he cleaned the sheets it's gone

like it'll be a funny story for him and you eventually i mean if this if this becomes your thing that you just like go on dates to piss on people's property and them then yeah you might be you might be a deviant but like also the thing is it probably wasn't the uti if you weren't in like severe discomfort while you were having sex so maybe get that checked again not a uti expert over here but from my limited knowledge it's like it's really awful and hard to have sex with a uti and painful and just uncomfortable and like i don't know i don't know i would just maybe not just cavalierly be like yeah i was in uti made me pee yeah i don't know probably should do some uti

research for this question but yeah i literally looked it up just there just to be like sex with uti peeing and it was like sex is almost impossible when on a utTI because of like extreme discomfort and pain so I don't know yeah but hey maybe not and hey maybe just take a second to think about it and be like did you like it maybe maybe maybe it's your cup of tea maybe it is your cup of tea I mean not literally don't drink your piss you're not Gwyneth Paltrow or Bear Grylls um yeah I don't know but like fuck it things happen uh they were chill about it you just got to be like hey I don't know. But like, fuck it. Things happen. They were chill about it. You just got to be like, hey, I get. And you know what?

Like, if you're like, I get it. That was a fuck up. And like, you laugh it off. They're going to be like, that girl was pretty cool. You know, whatever. Like, it happens. I'm sure there's some nightmare part of him that's like, once had to fart during sex and was like, what if I poop?

You know? Or like, something. I think everyone's had that thing. Like, I've definitely, I've told you the story where I've sneezed into a vagina. Yeah, that's true. I just straight up just hauled off and gave her a wet one. Yeah. I once had sex with someone.

I had like really bad diarrhea. And I was in fear for the whole time. Yeah. Like, what if something happened? What if I came so hard that I lost control or something? That could have been terrible. I think, fuck, it didn't. But like, it was one of those things where I should have probably said no.

I didn't want to. Yeah. And it worked out. But hey, it didn't. But, like, it was one of those things where I should have probably said no. I didn't want to. Yeah. And it worked out. But, hey, it might not have. I might have been. And that would be way worse. Yeah. I mean, like, I've had women over.

I'm like, there's a UTI on my butt. Who have, like, you know, their period had started. Oh, yeah. The night that they stayed over and, like, you know, left a little something, something. Yeah. And they've always been like, I'm really sorry. I'll take the sheets home and clean's like i don't care like yeah also don't take my sheets yeah like those are mine uh i've had people yeah like they didn't realize

they're like the week of next morning there's like blood yeah and they freak out and they get so upset and they feel like you can sense the shame it's like it doesn't fucking matter yeah it's like i mean there's i'm sure there's plenty of guys who are like oh it's disgusting that's why we need to point out that it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. It's like, dude, come on. It's like, I promise you right now, you're putting grosser shit on your sheets on a nightly basis.

Don't worry about it. Also, it's like, just get over it. I don't know. It just breaks my heart when something happens that someone doesn't have control over and they're like mortified and you know that sticks with them and it's like it's cool yeah anyway right yep speaking of embarrassment and things uh this is by throray dreams badream uh i 18 year old female have an embarrassing condition should i tell the guy 18 year old male i i like or would it creep him out not suitable for work everyone turn off if you're in work sorry no more podcast put your headphones in because i know you're listening to

this yeah just blaring it through the office this is an awkward problem i recently met this guy through mutual friends and felt instantly attracted to him damn lately we started hanging out alone he's just amazing cute smart and pretty shy but i like it not sure if he feels the same way about me but he always wants to hang out, so I hope that's a good sign. I only have one problem. My condition? Can't think of a more fitting word.

Oh my god. What? I'm so nervous! Is that I sneeze when I'm aroused. Yes, really. Whenever I have a sexual thought or get turned on, I get these sneezing fits. I use nasal sprays to keep things under control. Anyway, whenever I hang out with this guy, I start sneezing as soon as I see him.

At the beginning, I told him it's just a cold. It wasn't. And I'm very sensitive during cold seasons. I'm not. I kept lying about it, and he probably thought I'm just a sickly person. For a while, he even encouraged me to go to the doctor, but I told him it's not a serious problem. Thing is, he's slowly putting the pieces together, but he's taking it the wrong way. He pointed out I only sneeze when I'm around him not others for example one time he saw me talk to a friend and i was fine when i came up to him we hugged i sneezed he joked i'm obviously allergic to him and i should be honest if i just can't stand him so should i tell him the truth or would it be too creepy at this point we're pretty comfortable around each other but i don't want

to make things weird would it freak him out i mean i think now is the time to just be like yeah no do it i think that's fucking if someone told me that like they're so attracted to me that they sneeze like i don't i mean it's it's a strange thing but like all right i'd be into it i think that will happen with you in that vagina uh no that is just seasonal allergies likely story that is just a pollen doing its magic on my nose maybe they had goop pollen up their vagina oh my god it was the bergamot and the damask rose yeah maybe um i am literally allergic to pretty much everything so that's fair. So you say tell him? Yeah.

I mean, like, if you're into this dude and you still haven't sort of, like, made a move, I mean, there's no better catalyst to make a move than this. That's a pretty good way to do it. Right? To be like, okay, ask him out on a date. You know what I mean? And then just be like... Full disclosure. Full disclosure.

Here's the thing. Uh, for whatever reason, I sneeze when I'm aroused or like, you know, when I'm attracted to someone, maybe don't say aroused. Cause like that definitely say,

um, just be like, Oh, when I'm around someone I'm attracted to, I sneeze and I don't know why it happens, but this is a pretty clear indicator that I am into you. Let's go grab drinks. What's a grosser word than aroused?

Um, moist. When I'm randy. I sneeze when I'm randy. Uh, yeah. Okay. So issues I see developing. One, he's just not into you.

Now it's awkward and you don't got this friend, but whatever. I feel like that has to happen at some point. Either way, he's going to be like, I'm not going to hang out with you because you just sneeze all the time when I'm around. True. You know what? Tell him you're allergic to his clothes. Boom. Boom. There he either way, he's going to be like, I'm not going to hang out with you because you just sneeze all the time when I'm around. True. You know what? Tell him you're allergic to his clothes. Boom.

Boom, there he is. Now he's naked. Now you die because your nose explodes. You just keep sneezing. Like, I want to know, does it get worse? Like, are you like sneezing a little bit

but you take shirt off and you're like really sneezing and that dick flops out of those sweatpants and you're sneezing, sneezing and then like, you know, does it get worse? Or is it just like the same sneeze?

Also, this sounds adorable. Depending on your sneeze depending on the sneeze are you like a are you one of those are you like a yeah because that's q's hell yeah i can imagine you being into that yeah oh yeah um but okay imagine this things go well you're like dating and then you walk by you sneeze oh shit yeah then you're at thanksgiving dinner and his dad walks in you know like after putting together a cabinet yeah garage all sweaty and sawdusty oh shit and yeah oh no or you're watching willy wonka's chocolate factory certain scene comes on chew yeah the one where the one who cut the the fucking chicken's head off yeah what if you like the tunnel once someone knows this saw anytime you sneeze like you can never have a normal sneeze

now yeah because they're gonna be like that turns you on oh that's true yeah a purple station wagon you're watching yeah you're watching fucking saw and just like someone's like the latest coronavirus what megan what the fuck? Yeah, like, that's, my fear is, like, then no sneeze is going to go un... Analyzed. Exactly.

And also, like, imagine you're just, like, walking by a guy, like, or, like, his best friend or anything, and, like, that's going to kill nine out of ten men.

Well, I mean, that's the thing. Which I think is really funny, but... It's... Yeah, you can't really help who you're attracted to it's like i just because i love amanda dearly and i'm fully committed to her sometimes you look at me when i'm wearing my sweats to pathfinder and you yeah you get thoughts that's the thing is like i still i'm still capable of finding people attractive uh and to have an instant tell like that yes the thing, I feel like it'll either ruin or make your relationship so strong because you're going to be hit pretty quickly over the head with the fact that your partner finds other people attractive,

which some people like to pretend isn't the case because those people are silly. So I feel like either you'll be like, that's funny, and you can probably tease people because you know, even though they're not telling you, so it's like, oh, so Jim, eh? And they'll be like, fuck off. You know, it'll be really funny. Or you will just melt down and die. And then they gotta go find someone else to sneeze over.

Yeah. Or if one day they stop sneezing over you. Oh, man. Man. It's heartbreaking. That's really sad. You gotta, like, bring a little pouch of pepper. Oh, no, I still love you.

Achoo. Yeah. That's a weird one. I mean, there's... Someone definitely pissed off a warlock when they were a kid. Yeah, this is some sort of curse that your parents have done something and they were like, I'm going to fuck your kid's life up. Yeah.

Kind of. Just give them horny sneezes. Yeah, I'm going to give you moderate inconvenience. Yeah. But I say, yeah, just go for it. I feel like this is good because it's a perfect way for you to bridge the gap between friends and especially now because he's on that he's teetering right he's like maybe i'll just leave you alone it's like well no like how about

you leave me on alone yeah how about you leave me naked on loan on loan i don't know how about you loan me out i don't know um this This comes from Reddit users, Soxers. My girlfriend is making sex a chore. So I, a male 21-year-old, have been dating a girl, female 20, for two years now. She was a virgin before we met. I was not. 70% of the time she initiates because it works for both of us, or better for both of us. The problem is every time she wants it, I know we'll have to do the same dance afterwards.

She isn't very good at blowjobs, grinding handjobs, or anything really. Full disclosure, this isn't a problem for me. I'd rather see her in pleasure in that moment than getting myself off. The issue is she gets upset

because she can't make me come. And after we're done, I have to spend ages convincing her I had a good time. I don't know if, uh, I don't know how to get her to come to terms with my reality. She just thinks it isn't fair that she gets off when I don't.

Well, okay. I thought this question was going to go somewhere else. But also, when you said making sex a chore, all I can imagine is waking up on Sunday morning, you got your list, and it's like hoovering, you know, got the dishes, sex. Oh, God. Do I have to? You've got to do this. Have you done your sex yet? Okay oh god do i have to you gotta do that have you done

your sex yet okay firstly get her to listen to this podcast we literally had a review come in that we fucking fixed their hand job and blow job we literally did like a fucking ted talk on both those things so and what's even better about that is you don't necessarily have to be like hey you're not good at these things because people get upset by that you know but you can be like oh i started listening to these two really funny boys uh they're really great and just how about you listen to some more about this episode and it can be the one before so it doesn't seem obvious and then she listens to the next one obviously because we're captivating and then she's like oh these are some crunchy tips and then she's like, oh, these are some crunchy tips. And then she just goes to town on your hog and you're happy. She's happy.

There's semen everywhere. You peed a little. There are things where you say like, oh, she initiates because it works better for both of us. I don't know what that means. No, that doesn't make any sense. What does that mean? See, I thought that was going to be explained later. I thought the whole like make sex a chore was going to be like she doesn't want to or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But it seems like the only issue here is that she's not very good at hand jobs and blow jobs as you say or anything really okay have you tried to it doesn't say anywhere that you've said you've tried to like suggest anything yeah it seems like you just sort of like lean back let her fumble around and try to figure if she was a virgin with before you. Yeah. She her whole sexual experience and her like benchmark of what is good is based on you. Yeah.

So if you're constantly saying this is good, then of course she's going to keep doing the same thing. She has no one else to like base anything off of. So all she knows is that, oh, you like this. It's just not good enough. Also, like there's really only two options here and those options are that it's your fault she's bad at this or she doesn't listen to a word you say and judging by this con by this question it sounds like it's your fault she's bad at this because if you've never been like hey maybe do this or like oh that's not working for me or like had a conversation and she's just been muddling through and you've never given any input that's your fucking fault

bud i'm sorry yeah if you're just leaning back and being like this is terrible it's like you can you can say oh a little softer a little lighter a little faster a little you know what i mean like slow down like you can say those things and and hopefully most people won't get upset about it but if it and if it's done in a good way if you're doing it instructionally then it sucks nothing fucking pisses me off when someone's just like like two centimeters that you know i mean like if someone's that specific you're like all right like fucking calm down well there are ways to do it like yeah but if you're like hey you suck or like this isn't good but if you're just like oh that feels good go faster yeah i mean like it's it's the sandwich compliment or the sandwich criticism right you say something nice and then you give the criticism

and be like oh fuck yeah there it is and like just be tactful that's how you get it you know what i mean it's like that's that feels good but if you move faster it'll feel better and then when they move faster you say fuck yes um and then like we're like oh too much teeth or like oh not enough suction or like could you focus on this area or Or like, oh, that's really good. Keep doing that. Or like anything. Because again, maybe you've said it and she hasn't listened. But by this question, it doesn't sound like it. Because I guess that would also be an issue. I guess that would be the issue.

Yeah. Right? It would be like, oh, I've told her. Also, it says nothing about sex. Like. Yeah. Like, if you're not coming during sex, there might be something else. Yeah.

Something else in there. That's also another thing. She's just not good at blowjobs and handjobs. That's fine. Like, okay, I understand that you're not able to come if you're not getting a good blowjob. Cool. But if you're then having sex and also not being able to come. It might just be a you problem.

Well, I don't necessarily know if it's i think you've now created this narrative that that sex isn't good and that sex is a chore and that that's like building up this mental block of you not you cannot enjoy sex anymore like you've you've taught yourself to not enjoy sex surely that would start once they stopped coming or weren't able to like i don't imagine that they would like the narrative would happen before that like a lot of people can't come or finish and for a variety of reasons whether it's like you know maybe your condom's too small maybe it's nerves or fear or you know maybe you're drinking every time or something like i know a lot of people who you know when they started having sex either instead of being like way too quick just never

kind of reach that finish line yeah um and that's not their partner's fault so what i'm saying is like if that led to this narrative i don't think the narrative led to this but i do think it'll definitely make it worse yeah it's like if if you cannot come at all uh don't blame your partner maybe like definitely have a look at like yourself as well you know and again like if i don't know i feel like sometimes people have that issue where they cannot come and like to turn around and pin it on your partner is very unfair and yeah i mean like you've you've now said that sex is a chore so now like the second sex initiates which she's always doing you're better for both of them your initial reaction is yeah like that that's what you're

starting with so of course you're not gonna fucking come it doesn't like i feel like no matter what starting off with a minus yeah because you're like oh well now i'm not gonna come and then i'm gonna have to like it's like you've you've put that into the world like that is your mindset going into sex it's such a bad place to start off with so what you need to do here's my my full day miller advice is you initiate and you take control of the situation and you tell her what to do you adopt a dominant persona even if you're not sort of a dominant person you are now going to be like you're going to start having sex and you're going to go down on her you're a finger you're going to do whatever you want to do and then

you're going to be like you're going to get on your knees now and you're going to instruct her on how she's going to give you a blowjob and it's not your and this is a dominant move this is you telling her what to do as the sexual dominant creature in this current situation yes then not uh you're bad yeah exactly so now you're you're giving her instructions you're telling her what you like and you're doing it in a fun sexy dominant way and now she's learning things and you can be like you can do a little punishment you know i mean if if it's if she does get a little too many teeth on give her a little fun little spank and be like don't do it again you know what i mean and then you're now playing this game which is fun and it's sexy and you're also actively teaching them what you like that's the thing you're not none of

this is framed in a you are bad yeah it's framed in a like we're playing this fun game where i'm in charge and you're doing what i'm gonna say and like if along the way you say to do something and she sees reaction she's not gonna forget that she's like oh shit okay add that to the repertoire and you play a reward you play a punishment and reward game you know what i mean so it's like if when she does something good you tell her like okay you've earned whatever you know what i mean it's like maybe maybe now she gets fingered maybe now she gets eaten and then you you build up that way and then again if it's if it's a whole sex thing if you're not coming at during any sort of sex then now you're you're in charge and you can

like quote unquote use her so that you like she learns what you like you learn in charge and you can like, quote unquote, use her so that you, like, she learns what you like. You learn what you like. You figure out what works for both of you. Yeah. And then you've now made sex a fun, enjoyable experience because she knows what you like. You know what she likes. You now have sort of a-

I'm shaking things up a bit at the very least, you know? And that's the thing. It's like, I think if she's... Think about the initial thought that both of you now go through right now with sex is, she's like, I want to have sex, but I'm not going to make him cum. So she's got that on her mind. And then you're like, oh, she wants to have sex and I'm not going to cum. Yeah, and she's going to sense that as well. And you're both feeding into each other's negativity it's just a ball of anxiety of

sexual anxiety and that's and the more it goes on like it's just gonna get worse yeah so like i i say look at yourself like if you can come during sex or whatever and it is really just that the hand jobs and blow jobs aren't quite there you really need to talk and develop things and yes you can totally do it dane's way but you can also add to that like at other times just like have conversations like as we said before like oh that feels really good a little harder a little softer like frame it in a good positive way which you're not doing whatsoever right now um and like just try and like open up to each other make her listen to the podcast i'm only half joking um so like really just open

up that dialogue have a look at yourself and see that one your mindset is not helping two is it a different problem you know just really focus stop kind of playing this blame game because like she can't read minds if you're literally telling her things and she's ignoring them then you need to talk about that if she's not then you need to tell her things yeah because like the whole the last thing he says something along the lines of like how does how do i get her like to accept my reality it's like you can change that that doesn't have to be a reality your rally isn't just like your dick is like immune to hand jobs and blow jobs that's ridiculous it's it's something that is very easily changed with communication and experimentation and and you know mutual trust and respect for each

other you've you've missed all the marks yeah um so get your shit together yeah and do these and be kind as well yeah like don't frame it as like a her fault thing no good luck have fun you ready this is from designs mk what would be your tips for approaching from car to girl? Oh, super easy, but go on. Hi, guys. A little background story here for this situation. I recently started hanging out with friends in front of their house, have a few beers, listen to music, et cetera. On my drive home late afternoon,

I usually see a few pretty girls walking to wherever they're going. Just want to get their numbers and hang out at some point, I guess. Not bang bust these girls, kinda. Just looking for some advice on pickup in this situation my inner game is somewhat questionable because of this post outer game is good indirect approaches never really worked for me but had a decent amount of luck on direct approach also guys I don't get slurred drunk before I drive home I'm usually just relaxed driving really slow on the way back for my friends drive home with some friends as well about 10k with music pumping through the suburbs no one's in danger unless she thick as fuck thanks guys this is the

easiest thing it's it's worked for men for decades probably since the invention of cars that's why they were invented actually when you see a woman that you find attractive on the street, you honk at them and say, Hey, cutie! And then speed away. As you drive past at a speed that there's no possible way they could catch you. Because that's the thing. You want to keep them guessing. There's nothing more mysterious. They don't know who you are. They don't know which cutie you're yelling at.

Yeah, they don't even know if what they heard. They're just like, What? Chances are they have headphones who probably don't even hear you. But that's all part of the game. That's what they want. Let, they're just like, what? Chances are they have headphones who probably don't even hear you. Yeah. But that's all part of the game. That's what they want. That's the,

that's also the, you know, it's a game of chess. Yeah. And them not playing, they're not even at the board. Exactly. Right?

There's nothing more mysterious than organizing a chess game and not even showing up. Yeah. Like, they don't know, they want to find you because they've put their time

into the chess association, they've paid their dues, you didn't show up, but they don't know who to find fine you because they've put their time into the chess association. They paid their dues. You didn't show up. But they don't know who to fine because you didn't even show up. Yeah. Could be great. I mean, technically, in this analogy, the woman didn't show up because the man has set up the chess board. But then he drove away.

And then he was just like. He invited her. Yeah, he's waiting. He's waiting for someone. Then he's like, oh, yeah, you want to play chess? Bye. Yeah. I'm out.

You know, that was the invitation. And then when she shows up to the board, he's like oh yeah you want to play chess bye yeah i'm out you know that was the invitation and then when she shows up to the board he's gone yeah but thing is like he is so far doing all the right stuff right he's got a bunch of boys yeah he is drunk yeah he's driving drunk yeah that's the most important part so fucking like honestly i'm look i'm not slurring drunk no no no just relaxed and driving way too slow way too slow which is just as dangerous as speeding by the way but he's pumping music he's pumping music for the burbs yeah for the burbs so like the thing is he is pretty much doing it all right um but how do you direct approach from car to girl and i think the 10 kilometers is really important for this you need to get a brick wedge

it down on the thing so your car keeps crawling along so you can after yelling and honking while the music still pumps drunkenly get out of the car as the car keeps going without you your boys are chatting you know singing along giving you some you know pump up fucking roars as the car trundles along you go over you just fucking maybe just smack that ass no don't just i can't even keep this going but then you can run and jump back into the car the the drake kiki dance thing right oh right beside the car that's exactly it yeah you're gonna like ghost ride that car throw a brick down so that the car keeps trundling without you and uh you get out of the car and you harass them while they have their headphones in obviously it's melding the best of dan and this drunk

fucking lunatic don't do any of this shit it's the i read this question i was like yeah because you know what we need in the world is more more drunk drivers pulling up on on women and trying to like talk to them i love them when he's like they're just going to the places wherever they're going yeah you know what they want to do get to the place that they're fucking going without you yelling at them from a goddamn car yeah uh the comments are golden because even on seduction some people are like no just don't and he's like i'm no intention of jumping out of the car. I'm just going to yell stuff at them.

Is that an actual quote? Okay. I understand completely. I had no intention of jumping out of the car and approaching these girls. I don't know how to respond to this. Are you saying catcalling is my best bet and hope she reciprocates? And they're like, no, just don't. I think it's a girl who's like, if a man approached me from his car, I would feel very threatened.

Don't do this. And he's like, I a man approached me from his car, I would feel very threatened. Don't do this. And he's like, I'm not jumping out. I'm just going to yell. It's, oh my God. Yeah. I mean, like, what's the first fucking thing you learn? Not even man, woman, nothing about that. But like, the first thing you learn as a child is don't go know strangers in cars.

Just don't do it. That's how you get kidnapped. It's just so bad. I can't even go through the rest of the comments. It's just so bad. Yeah. I mean, here's... Someone's like, never go over.

Like, just don't. It's a missed opportunity. I'm sorry. Like, you gotta live with it. And he's like, oh, so you... Like, I can't approach from the car. So you want me to drive, see them... Like, they see me drooling.

I drive past them, pull over, get out of the car, and then approach them? Because that's going to look even more threatening and they're like yeah that also will just don't it's a missed opportunity you don't have to yeah that's the thing guys self-control you see a pretty girl while you're driving home drunk also just know uh guess what that's great you gotta just keep going preferably at the speed higher than 10 kilometers here's the thing you see a pretty girl on the street yeah you, you also don't gotta do that. You don't have to do anything.

In fact, you probably shouldn't. Yeah, I would throw my hat in the ring of just leave them alone. Yeah, there's probably a very select few places you should do this. Yeah, just let them go wherever they're going. They just want to get to the fucking, you know, grocery store and pick up their shit and go home.

Wait, you say pick up? So I should do it? Yeah. I mean, yeah, they're picking up. I really hope the post is a joke, but even if it is, there's so many comments that aren't a joke. What do you think he's bumping?

Nothing but Rodrigo and Gabriela. Spanish guitar duo. Which honestly would work for me if someone pulled up and it was just some sweet spanish guitar you're giving this guy i'm being highly sarcastic closest thing he's listening to spanish guitar would be smooth by rob thomas and that would also work for me i also do think what you're pumping in the car like can totally change the interaction like if you like roll up and you're like hey girl but like v totally change the interaction like if you like roll up and you're like hey girl but like vivaldi's like playing or even just like if someone rolls up and

it's carly ray jepsen like you're not threatening it's like i i would be immediately disarmed and been like what the fuck are you however if you go too far down like imagine someone pulls up and they're playing like barney yeah oh yeah terrifying you're like you're a serial killer what's like a lazy town oh fuck if they're playing like Barney. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Terrifying. You're a serial killer. What's that? Lazy Town? Oh, fuck. If they're coming over to that Lazy Town. They're like the cake song.

It's a piece of cake. They make a pretty cake. But if they're doing the Lil Wayne remix, they've got me again. All right. Yeah. Now I'm back in. Oh, man. There's so many different changes here. I think the only thing that you can do while you're driving around blaring music is Venga Boys.

Oh, yeah, that's fair. But like really, if you slow down that song, it's terrifying. It's like the Venga bus is coming. You're like, oh, God. Well, I mean, yeah, if you slow down any song, it's probably scary. Yeah. We used to do that with a friend of ours, one of our neighbors. We would take her phone and replace her ringtone with like a really

slowed down version of like what is usually an upbeat song but would just sound like something was haunted it was so good hey i just met you and this is crazy here's my number call me maybe why don't you build me a build me, baby, just to let me down? Let me down. And mess me around. Man, I want to hear someone sing that in the style of that Evanescence song. Oh, fuck yeah. We should do that.

We've spiraled here. This comes from Reddit user concave1947. How do you break the ice on first dates from online apps when you meet up with a girl? I was reading that with the seduction energy, and I'm sorry. This is not. When you meet up with a girl, especially for, say, lunch or dinner for your first date, how do you break the ice when you first meet them? I usually go for the hug, and then I don't know where to go from there.

Should I ask how their week is? All I can imagine is him hugging and then not releasing. Hugging them, stopping. And they sit down and he just stands there like broken. Oh, I like the idea that he hugs and he's just like, he's just in an embrace and he just doesn't know. He's like, do I release? Oh, fuck. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, boy. I didn't think this through. I can just see them hugging, releasing, and standing. But up until then, like super confident, walks in, looks great. Yeah. Should I ask how their week is or how their day is?

What do you typically do? Well, firstly, don't take them for dinner, you idiot. Have you not listened to this podcast at all? No, don't do it. Even lunch, man.

Questionable at best. Yep. Tell them they look great. You know, not in a weird way. Unless they don't. Yeah, then tell them they look shit.

Tell them they're probably going to be the worst girlfriend you've ever had. Tell them to sit in the streetcar, get in your car, drive around the block until you pass them. Yeah, well, that's the thing. My question is, how do you hug them from your car while you're going at 10 kilometers? Yeah. Especially when you're a little tipsy. That's dangerous. Like, that's going to maybe kill a person.

You should start clotheslining people. The slowest I think it's I think the hug is important hug's important like go up I always

I always hug my first dates yeah 100% it's weird if you don't like touch yeah cause like

the only other thing is like it feels like a job interview or you handshake like anything other than a hug I think is weird

oh you gotta do the politician handshake where you grab them with one hand then like enclose it with the other one. And then say, like, thank you for your vote.

And then they're like, what? You're like, huh? And just never. If they have a baby, kiss it. Politicians kiss babies. I know. I don't know why. I just was like, what?

Yeah, like, the best way, and this is for any occasion ever when you want to start a conversation with anyone, ask them how their day is. Yeah, just be like, yeah, how are you doing today? And if they're like, uh, you know, I'm good. Like, awesome. And that's it. You're done. Yeah, and they, yeah.

Hopefully they give you something. Just be like, oh, you know, there's, like, you can say, like, oh, yeah, I'm grinding, like, golf work. But, you know, I'm glad I had enough time to pop home and come out here before you. Like, you know, if they get there first or if you get there first, like maybe you could be like, oh, like, did you order a drink? Or like, just like start off pretty chill. Like, I think the first day with my current girlfriend, we went on, like we met up, we gave a hug, sat down. And she was like, oh, like, did you order a drink? Because I was there before her somehow because I almost showed up having forgotten my wallet.

That would have been real bad. I had to run home, grab it and then make it out. Still made it. It's all good. And she was like, oh, did you grab a drink yet? And I was like, I think I had. I can't remember. But either way, she was like, oh, sure.

I don't know what to drink. So I was like, oh, what do you usually like? And we just kind of like got into a conversation about drinks. And then it went from there because like if unless they're cripplingly nervous or you are, you should be like if you get something, just try to give something back. Right. If someone's like, how's your day? Don't just go. Oh, it's good.

Yeah. And then like dead face, just stare at them. And that's I think on both sides, just always try and give something back. Yeah. The most important thing is to make sure it doesn't turn into an interview where it's like, oh, I just got off work. Oh, cool. What do you do?

You know what I mean? Like, that's okay. That's a good start. But then once they say like, oh, like I'm a nurse, be like, oh shit, that's really tough. Like, you know, like you move into a conversation about nursing as opposed to being like did you go to school for it yeah do you have any siblings how long have you been working there it's like if it feels like you're a survey yeah it's not going to be fun um like you just ask people for further details and like if they ask you something don't just be like oh and then you know answer give them back some

shit like it's all about give and take So just like always try and like give something back, you know? And that's not even hard. You don't need to do anything special. You just need to not say, yep. Yeah, exactly. Good. Yeah. You know, you can even just be like, Oh, what about you? That's something cool. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, my day was great. How was yours? Yeah. Or like, Oh, it was great. Like work was crazy, but you know, or like work was really dead. So I got a chance to catch up with some reading crazy but you know or like work was really dead so i got a chance to catch up with some reading or you know anything yeah you just gotta like and don't be afraid to to be mundane right because like you don't have to make shit up you don't have to be jazzy and exciting you don't have to lie or yeah ignore things that you think aren't whatever they

want to meet you and they want to know what you're doing and all this shit so like if you spent the day playing playstation you can be like, if you spent the day playing PlayStation, you can be like, honestly, day off, just spend the day playing PlayStation. It was great. Yeah, and the important thing is to make it less, like, make it seem less like a first date. Because a lot of first dates end up, like I said,

becoming these interviews of, like, people just throwing out miscellaneous trivia that, one, you're probably not going to remember, and two, you probably don't care about. Like, you don't... If someone has a brother or sister no one gives a fuck and also like it's not sexy but like but if it comes up naturally if you end up start talking about your family great cool but if like if you just have a checklist of like oh where'd you grow up oh cool do you have a big family it's like none of that shit like all that is just sort of like

like nothing you know what i mean like you want to you want to just have a conversation yeah that's the important part is like a conversation just happens organically and you gotta like get out of your head you gotta stop thinking about what you're gonna say next and listen yeah if you listen to what they say there's always gonna be one word in their sentence yeah you know i mean you gotta treat like the best way to learn lines as an actor and like to act sort of like spontaneously is you find the word in the line before yours that prompts your next line you know what i mean so if you if you focus on that as opposed to listening to you know or like just trying to remember be like oh when they

say that line i say this line when they say that line i say this line it's like no when they say that that's the reason i say this um and that's how conversations work you know what i mean like if they mention work okay you now have the avenue to talk about work yeah or if they mention you know the weather you could talk about the weather or if they you know i mean you listen to whatever whatever conversation topic they've mentioned and now that's opened up as a door of conversation and you can follow it you go through it and you just keep following the thing until another door opens up and like just be interested in what they say. Yeah.

People are interested. Exactly. Or they're interested. Oh, sorry. I thought you said you can do both ways. Yeah. Like I think a really big problem is that people tend to like prefabricate like questions or lines or answers or anything and like that doesn't work because it's like oh well actually this is funny so we actually had an interview uh last week so

uh it's up online it's on the huffington post it was really awesome um with the person who reached out to us uh they had mentioned like one or two kind of like questions to think about we were a little bit nervous so we kind of had prepped answers to a degree. And then when we got to the interview, thankfully, those weren't exactly the questions we were asked. Yeah. Because honestly, I was worried that we were, and I think it would have happened. We would have probably come off sounding a little bit robotic. Yeah.

Or just awkward. And because they weren't the questions we had been told to prep. We were actually able to be like a little bit more natural. And like I was actually really thankful as it happened. Because it ended up being a better interview than I think it would have been. Yeah. And I think that's exactly what like fucking first dates are like. Because if you aren't just interacting with someone.

If you are thinking like oh when do I say this. Or how do I get this in. Or all this. You're not actually listening to them. Yeah. And one, that means you're not engaging. But two, it means when you do kind of come out with your sentence, you've missed all this other shit.

You seem disinterested or awkward or nervous. And then you just kind of come out of left field with like this prefabricated sentence that might not even really make sense within the context of your date. And it's just kind of this fucking downward slope that they're just like well why the fuck am i here because this guy doesn't give a shit even though ironically you probably give a lot of a shit which is why you're trying so hard but you just need to step away and that's why like the good and bad thing about this question is like i'm not going to tell you ask this say this do this because there is no fucking checklist there is no prefabricated question or answer because a lot of places will have you believe that like fucking

seduction right it's like ask this say this when they do you can't plan unfortunately because it would be nice to be able to do that i feel like a lot of people feel reassured when someone tells them oh you can do x y and z and it's this very concise list it's not how life works you just gotta like pay attention and like roll with it yeah also if you feel the conversation dying and you don't know what to do and you need a breather go to the bathroom sure or as long as you're not doing it every five minutes yeah or go to the next place sometimes this is why i love pub crawls for first dates or whatever is i have found sometimes like when you're in the same place sitting in the same chair with the same server coming over and the same music and whatever it's

like you can run out of things sometimes whereas like if you're like okay well let's grab our drinks and let's get going and like it kind of like re-injects a bit of energy into the date because then you're walking down the street and you could be like okay i'm thinking we can go to this place it's got x y and z like what do you think and maybe they'll be like, okay, I'm thinking we can go to this place. It's got X, Y, and Z. Like, what do you think? And maybe they'll be like, oh, that sounds great. Or like, oh, what's this? Or actually this place. And you then are talking about the date, which is very easy because you're both there, right? You don't have to have this fucking anything else, right?

And then when you get to the next place, who knows? Maybe someone's like, oh, it's fucking trivia night. Or like, oh, we're out of this. Or like, it's fucking trivia night or like oh we're out of this or like it just changes scenery like then you have more things around you to talk about and experience and blah blah blah blah blah and then if that starts to die you're like hey let's go to another place this is why you don't do dinner because you're stuck somewhere for so long yes right and that's the thing like you have the option to shake things up and like get into a different environment and

like it in worst case you can literally be like, oh, this place is X. And then the next place you're like, oh, this place is now X or Y or Z. It just like shakes things up. So, you know, don't be afraid to, to be like,

hey, do you want to check out another place down the road? Yeah. Yeah. All right. That'll do us. Thank you for everyone who sent us in really nice messages about the article.

If you want to check it out, it's on Huffington Post. I'm not going to read out the link because... I think it's on our Facebook page. It is, yeah. There you go. That's an easy way to do it. Go on our Twitter and retweet all the bullshit that I post. That'd be great.

And yeah. Thanks for being awesome. Yeah, thanks for listening. We've done 70 episodes. This is episode 70 oh um i guess i didn't tell you uh this is 69 plus one okay and that's just going to be our new name until 69 plus 69 plus one okay um so just make sure that's on the next one. Gotcha. If you want to reach out to us and give us a touch electronically,

you can send us a message or a post or, you know, just follow us on Facebook at fckbuddies. Wait, no, on facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies um you can also find us on the world wide web at uh fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca hell yeah yeah send us in some questions um thank you josh eagle in the heart of cities for their song paper stars and yeah i guess it's endgame, closing ceremony stuff. It's bed six. So, yeah, let's see what we got. Speaks to you if you remember it.

Because they all kind of sound the same at this point. Ready? Yep. This is The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Little. I was burning to lay this body down on the bed and spread its legs, to bury my nose in that moist fulva like a sow nuzzling for a nest of black truffles then to turn the body over on its stomach spread its buttocks with both hands to contemplate the purplish rosette of the anus blinking gently like an eye put my nose to it and breathe it in no I

mean you know what it's a nice winking butthole That's fine You know that's some people's things I'm not gonna I'm not here to shame anyone Gently blinking butthole Yeah That's the weird part That's But here's the thing

Have you ever really Just gave a butthole a gander Have you ever just like really looked at one Yeah Okay That's what I'm doing right now I got mirrors set up And there's a hole cut out the bottom of your chair.

I am a butthole. No. Wink. I can't take these people seriously. I don't know if they're all, like, is it just some big, like, joke? Like, why would you want to, one, say moist vulva, and two, be like a sow nuzzling for truffles? Like, that's not an attractive image. Yeah, it is.

You're just going for it. Just rooting around in there. You have one job. And it's to find those truffles. Yeah, I guess. So guess what? Dan finally posted. No.

He's still gone. Wait, isn't he Australian? Is he? Yeah, I think he is. I wonder if he went out in the... Maybe he's just out fucking saving koalas. if he went out in the maybe maybe he's just out fucking saving koalas I hope so you know what let's just say that it's the only way that you know what Dan could redeem himself yeah he's on a self-help mission off saving koalas Dan says

dumped by my girlfriend because I took too long to finalize divorce with my wife you idiot stupid idiot it's probably because he doesn't want to leave his wife um My wife. You idiot. Stupid idiot. It's probably because he doesn't want to leave his wife. All right. To clear that foul taste out of her mouth from Dan, I've got a Pornhub user comment. And this one, oh, man, I have three that I'm really torn between. I think we can go with this one. This comes from Pornhub user BigMilkyDaddy.

Mm-hmm. Who else just casually started watching porn while eating at the dinner table? Ooh. My name is Nate Miller. And I'm Miles Ping. And I'm casually watching porn in this closet. And we are your fuck buddies. Cheers! horn in this closet and we are your fuck buddies cheers