F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 72 - Pretty Little Woman

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Welcome to this week's podcast episode where we fail to correctly identify or reference anything that has to do with pop culture or classic literature!  Topics include finding a boyfriend who isn't best friends with Shaggy, requiring validation from strangers, breaking up but not letting go, post-oral kissing protocol and giving up the notion of "the one."

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Damian Lillard And I'm Niles Bain And we are... Your fuck buddies.

Can we do that one more time? You know what? It's three for good measure. A little soft one. We're back. We're alcoholics again. We did a whole month. I don't want to say sober, because we definitely did drink, but I'm reduced.

Yeah, honestly, I started the month with three set days I was going to drink on. I made about two, two and a half weeks holding to that. Yeah. And then I was like, I don't feel any different. And also, I still didn't drink that much, but I had some things I couldn't really avoid. So I drank a few times. It was fine. I had two Moscow Mules on a date night and I had some wine at a Pathfinder night.

Even worse. That was it. No, that's pretty good. That's really good. Good job. Thank you. I've never been like, I don't know, unless I'm like going out out. Yeah, that's fair.

I see. I'm obsessed with very nice craft beer. So it's very easy for me to just like have one with dinner. You know, but that's not crazy. I know. It's tough because one of my favorite breweries is right down the street from me. And they've been doing some really good shit lately. I know.

And so it's so tempting like to just swing by there and grab one before Pathfinder and do it. That's pretty okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to start doing it again. It's nice to have a little beer while you're hanging out. Exactly. Anyway, hey, we're here. Today sucks. How was your day?

It was okay. I literally fell asleep on the couch for like two hours. Just smear that on my soul face. I'm sorry. I didn't want to. No, I'm glad you just i didn't want to no i'm glad you're actually it makes me feel better that you're having a good day i was trying to play video games and then i just kept falling asleep even more uh because bioshock infinite is is the free game on playstation all three of them right yeah i'm so excited i played the other two have you not played infinite

no so i bought it for playstation 3 and then just like played a little bit and then i got playstation 4 and then just like oh man it's so good played it but so like i'm almost caught up to the point where i am cool that's amazing i wish probably not talk about things no one cares about hi people hello just forgot you were there just now that i'm catching up on our days uh yeah well let's fucking do a thing do you want a question right here right now yeah all right you got one all right you know you know i got one okay pick one two or three three oh pick one or two two all right this is from mechschick17 oh hell yeah on relationship advice subreddit and they ask how do you break up with someone

who won't admit to wrongdoing i've called him in three specific lies i'm 25 year old female he was 28 year old male he was texting someone told me he wasn't and sorry he was texting someone told me he was texting his group chat that he wasn't going to play xbox that night because he was with me i know it's a lie because he has his account signed as a laptop and the messages do not reflect that at all two he ignored me for a whole day and day, and the next day when he came to see me, his skates were in his truck. I tried telling him he was planning on taking me skating that day, but then he fell asleep all day. Three, he came to see me with two fucking hickeys on his neck. He tried to tell me he got them from paintball.

I haven't confronted him because I'm afraid he's going to say I'm just overreacting and jealous and crazy, and he's never going to admit to wrongdoing. And there's no way he's going to trash me to everyone he knows to explain why I'm the crazy one. How do I just break up with him? And then the question gets wild. Do I keep going? I don't know. Yeah, sure. Oh, also, my dumb ass might be pregnant.

I'll know today if I'm pregnant or not. We'll have an abortion either way. I hate him. I love him. He doesn't know it. I feel like I don't want a future without him. I feel like I want to be as far as possible from him. Not even my ex fucked me over this bad. Fuck. Yeah, that spiraled quickly. I know.

I was like reading it. I was like, I feel like there's three parts to this question. There's the actual question, right? How do you break up with someone who won't admit to run doing? Then there's the three lies? Yeah. Question mark? Then there's the,

that end little deluge, and it turns out she was pregnant. Cool. Congratulations, or I'm sorry. The, I mean, for this question, this specific question, I think the answer is very easy. You need to stop letting your boyfriend hang out with Shaggy.

Because it seems to be, that is, it wasn't me. Yeah. You know what I mean? You caught him with hickeys? wasn't me oh yeah you know what i mean you cut them with hickeys wasn't me thing is with spotify wasn't me spotify premium you can listen to that song wherever you are whenever you want uh even when you're say on the go or on the subway without any ads uh for as little as sponsored by potify i wish um yeah maybe they finally stop giving me ads. I don't know.

I'm not paying. You hear me, Spotify? I ain't paying. I am, Spotify. Don't worry. Getting half our money. That's true. Yikes.

I don't understand the first lie. The first lie was he was texting his group, but it wasn't his group? Or that he was playing Xbox? He said that he was texting his friends to say he wouldn't be on Xbox later because he's hanging out with her. But then he didn't say that to the group, so I think it's inferred that he was texting someone else and lying about it. Oh, gotcha. Second one is like... The skates? None of those lies are very damning, apart from the hickeys, which like...

It seemed wild that you would actually just barefaced walk into your fucking girlfriend's place with two dirty hickeys. To be fair, there are stupid people who think that they're the smoothest liars. You know what I mean? It's true. If this guy just thinks he's fucking Don Juan, master of women manipulation, he's just like, ah, no, babe, I got to paintballing. I will say, we went paintballing back in high school with this one guy and he literally got shot in the neck like in the first game and they looked exactly

like hickeys oh yeah and the joke was because this poor guy hadn't kissed a girl yet the joke was that his first hickey was from a gun and people were very mean about it to be fair that's a that's a badge of honor in america yeah um so like the fact that the other two lies like don't seem all that dramatic my other thing is like did he go paint does he paintball like if he paintballs and it's like okay it's a little more in the realm of believability but if he's never paintballed in his life and he's never mentioned paintball yeah and he just rolls in with two hickeys that's like that's classic paintball if you're going paintballing it's not the kind of thing that you just kind of do usually. You know what I mean?

It's like, unless again, you go all the time. It's usually like, oh shit, me and the boys are going, or me and the girls or me and whatever are going on X day. Like it's usually an event that you know well. So I doubt like, do you think he was such a, so in deep that he was like, we've wanted to do hickeys for so long. And now we finally can because i have paintball coming up yeah like i i don't know but anyway this is all besides the point let's take the one question by itself how do you break up with someone who won't admit to wrongdoing um well i mean like if you know this person is lying to you, it doesn't matter if they admit to it.

Exactly. I mean, it's the whole reason why Shaggy's advice doesn't fucking work. In the song, she watches you. She watches you fuck from beginning to completion. She's literally there the whole fucking time. Because you forgot you'd given her an extra key, and all the the time she never took her eyes off ye like she literally watches you from beginning to end she watches you ejaculate and then you turn around and say ah that's not me also did they just have like the most uncomfortable sex like told me fucking on the

counter i was like oh shit like let's go over to the sofa let's bang in the bathroom also how did you notice yeah that your girlfriend was standing there the whole time? She must have the stealthiest. Oh, so sneaky. Maybe she's Sneaky Dad. She's gotta be. Yeah. Sorry.

I don't, I keep getting sidetracked by Shaggy. Did they just, because either they took like a whole day, or he's just got the most eager penis in the world, or they just kept trying different positions and either they were all great. It's like, fuck, next one. Or they just weren't good. So you had to keep adjusting. Like, couch? That didn't work.

Counter? I guess. Bathroom floor? Yeah. Like, these are all very distinctly different places. But again, she was standing there the whole time. Exactly. It's like how, I mean, maybe he is really good.

If you're so, like like just entranced that neither one of them realized that there was a third person in the fucking room i don't know this doesn't add up maybe it wasn't him no this makes sense uh so yeah the best thing about breakups is you you don't need to agree to them it's a one person decision it's it's one of the things in relationships where consent doesn't like you don't need to get consent to break no that's the irony is like so yeah like you just break the fuck up with him it doesn't matter he doesn't have to admit it you don't even really have to give him a reason like if you're worried that you say something and he's gonna use that to

badmouth you whatever if he's that kind of person he's gonna badmouth you anyway yeah right he's not even if he admitted it to you he's not gonna go over to his friends be like oh yeah she woke up because i was being really shit i was a really shit person you remember those hickeys i had yeah i told her it was from paintball also like if if he has just giant hickeys on his neck i'm sure they probably know i don't know what's going on here but the main takeaway from this it doesn't fucking matter what they think or feel on the topic of breaking up because you just do it. And if you hate them and if they're cheating on you and the skates thing was funny because it's like he disproved it by falling asleep. I don't know if that holds up in court.

Yeah, I don't think if you're this paranoid about this person, either one, you don't trust them and you shouldn't date them or two, you don't trust them. And there's a reason to not trust them and you should break up with them. Yeah. And it doesn't matter what they think in the situation, just break up. And Hey, I'm not one to tell a woman what to do with their body, but like abortion sounds like a good plan here. Cause it doesn't sound like this should be, you know, having an anchor baby with this man and keeping him in your life if you're this upset about him yeah uh does

not sound like a good idea because it's well she said she's gonna do it either way even if they break up or not because yeah but it's it was also immediately followed with i can't say see a way to live without him i love yeah you know what I mean So That's the thing Don't let this be A reason to stay with him Yeah Because like This isn't going to

Fix problems No Like Babies aren't easy Babies aren't Like You know It's not like

Oh Now we've got that Unplanned baby Everything will be smooth And no It's gonna make Everything worse Babies are a challenge For the people who are planned and prepared and i'm just work well

together and love each other like they they thread some of the or thin some of the threads in relationships because it is it's a lot of fucking work yeah and like i've never had a baby and i can tell you right now it's a lot of god damn what if he says he's gonna bring the baby skating then falls asleep all day i know or brings a paintball and it gets fucking shot. Yeah. Although, to be fair, a baby's a pretty good shield. Just strap it to your arm. Pop, pop, pop, pop.

Yeah. So, yeah, it doesn't matter what they think. You can break up with someone whenever you want. Mm-hmm. Yay. This comes from Reddit user TheJokerRises. Is it okay to be depressed because girls don't like me? I've never had a serious GF, and I'm still a virgin.

Everyone else dates and is always texting like three to four people, and I struggle to get texting even one girl, and it always fizzles out and leads nowhere. I just feel like an ugly, worthless piece of garbage every day, and it's just taking over my thoughts and emotions. Is this normal? We've all been there. Yeah, I mean, I've talked about it a bunch of times where, like, at my lowest point, I literally needed validation via sex from strangers in order to not be, like, in order to not feel like worthless garbage.

Yeah. And I think that's... And like, even, you know, there are times when you go out and like, you try to talk to some girls or something and it just does not go anywhere. Or you go on a date and it does not go anywhere. Or you think something's going to go somewhere and it doesn't. Or you're on Tinder and you don't get any matches for that long. Or you talk to someone and then all of a sudden they just stop. Or you get ghosted or like, whatever.

Every single one of these is valid reasons to be sad and miserable. Like, we get it. I think it's probably one of the most common reasons why people get pretty fucking grim about shit. Cause we're in such a like immediate sort of like instant gratification of dating. You know what I mean? It's where it's like,

you can literally go on Tinder, swipe a couple of times and get six matches and be like, even if you don't do shit with those matches, you'd be like, Hey, people like me. It's a little ticks in the yes column. But if you've been doing that for a month

yeah you don't get anything exactly that's a pretty quick and like it's not a it's not a real indication of people's opinions but it's easy to latch on to exactly it's it's hard to differentiate that from reality and be like oh i'm completely undateable no one likes me yeah i am you know what i mean i'm completely just garbage because no one will say yes to me. Yeah. Well, like the irony is the like, yeah. Yes, it is a valid thing to get sad over. I do think it needs to be like brief.

I feel like going down into sadness and dwelling there is never going to help you. Yes. Because two things. One, that's just going to make it less likely that you know what i mean like you're unfortunately if you're down on yourself and you're depressed and you're worried so much about how people view you and getting with women or men or whatever and then you try to and they sense this it's going to be less likely that you do so it's like a just a vicious cycle that's going to go downwards so i think like the most important thing is to realize that yeah it sucks

but it is not the be-all and end-all of everything what matters like life is so much more than just that so you need to look at the rest of your life and be like cool i also have you know school or friends or family or this hobby or this skill or all these things and realize that yeah this might suck but i have all these other things so whatever and then you will probably have a little bit more success in that if you don't let that just drag you down entirely yeah if you seek validation from strangers who have no idea that you exist and i mean that in the nicest way possible in the sense of like if you're on tinder or anything it's like i'm telling you right now the 19 jessicas that you just right swiped like they're not going to

think about you ever again probably because it's they're so inundated with with information that like you're just a face in the crowd and i don't again i'm not saying that to it sounds harsh but it's it's a harsh reality that you kind of need to absorb and understand and then be like oh wait a minute this doesn't mean anything yeah and i mean that in the sense that if you're looking for validation from people that don't mean anything to you that you have no connection from yeah it's gonna get real bad it'd be like if you got on twitter and the only way you felt good was if you know fucking the rock retweeted you the likelihood of that because he's so inundated with with things and

he's a celebrity who's like sort of got his own reality um if your whole life depended on being acknowledged by celebrities yeah you're gonna be fucking miserable yeah because it's such an unrealistic standard so the idea that like these people that don't mean anything or have no connection to you are the source of your happiness is one unfair to you and too unfair to like these strangers because it's not their job to do it so like you said you need to find validation in yourself in things that have tangible purpose and tangible meaning in your life with like friends family all the things you said skills hobbies like and like again by all means be upset about these things but like keep it brief like if i talk to someone like let's say you go on a date

and it fizzles out and you go home cool you can be upset right you can be a little bummed out and then if the next time sure you can be upset you can be a little bummed out but like if you just sink into this like pool of like everything's fucked all dates are awful all women i'm useless like that is not gonna help you in future and also that's completely disregarding every other aspect of your life yeah and you also like it's going to start manifesting itself into hate yeah in the sense of like either self-hate or the hatred of whatever you know group of people that you're trying or both women or both so what's going to end up happening is you're going to start diving into communities things like incel which are you know what i mean like are inherently toxic yeah are you know i mean those people aren't successful

in dating for a reason you know i mean they're it's in their fucking name um and and it's 100 mentality it is it is because you're going in with hatred and and you know depression and all these negative emotions and all these things that you're you're carrying with you also just the mindset of like that you're owed sex or like you're like owed all these things that like you're not yeah you know so like there are a lot of things so like just steer away from those focus on the positives in your life and like take the hits as they come like yeah it's it's never gonna be smooth sailing you know what i mean no one like even the person you think is the most successful person in the world with women or with men or whoever they're not like you see the successes and they act like whatever

but they've been rejected and they've had tough times and they've been sad or they've been in relationships that sucked or like you know what i mean it's not all just like this cut in the middle of like this is great and this is shit and i'm on one side and everyone else on the other side yeah you know like you the i think one of the most important things about dating is to learn to take rejection and to take bad times and sadness and loneliness and not let that beat you yeah also don't make it don't make dating your sole focus like if if the only thing that sort of brings you happiness is dating then you're doing it wrong exactly you're you're not going to get anywhere with dating if you're trying to if like

everything you do is to like get a date exactly because that's the scariest fucking singular focus that you could probably have while dating yeah so just just remove dating from the equation for a while if you're having that much trouble and it's causing you this much pain it would be like if you i don't know we're doing literally anything else if you were trying to like become a chef and you just kept burning yourself, just take a step back and stop doing it for a bit and maybe like learn some theory, take some classes. You know what I mean? Like do some of that kind of stuff and then come back to it. Well, the same thing with dating.

If you're not having a success with what you're doing, take a step back, take an improv class, take a dance class, you know, do something active, do something social and start focusing on the fundamentals of what dating is about and that's like human connection and communication and self-respect and self-love and like that kind of stuff so focus on that stuff work on the work on the building blocks before you try to like build a mansion yeah well i think a lot of why like when you can when you go into such an all-consuming kind of like sadness over one thing that's because you're focusing on it with all those things you know what i mean like so it's both the problem and like it's a problem because you focus so much on it and because you focus so much on it it's like so bad when it doesn't work out yeah so like part of being like focused on the rest of your

life and look at those positives also just like focus on them more in terms of like you're going to develop yourself and become a more grounded person by not just focusing on dating as much as it seems like you are yeah and you you tend to become a more like if you focus on dating you tend to lose the picture of who you are because you end up trying to like shape yourself to be to slot you're. So like people aren't getting you. They're getting this sort of like mishmash of whoever the last person you talk to wanted. Yeah. You know what I mean? So like if the last person you talk to was into like sporty dudes and you're not a sporty dude.

And all of a sudden, you know, you watch six fucking Raptors games and now you're like. Now you're talking about crunchy dunks. Yeah. And it's like it's very apparent that that's like not something that's important to you and like that ends up carrying over so you end up like rolling this sort of like sticky ball through nonsense and you've just got

like this collection of garbage that doesn't mean anything to you whereas if you like we've been saying is if you focus on the things that matter to you and you just sort of like ground yourself as a person into the things that matter to you and you just sort of like ground yourself as a person into the things that matter and the people that matter to you you can be solid in like who you are yeah and then you'll start gravitating or people start gravitating to you based on what

you're projecting out so if you're you know whatever if you're into dancing or whatever people who are into dancing are going to find you and then you have a common ground as opposed to you just trying to like hounding people yeah you know filing your edges down to hopefully fit into people's slots yeah and that's the thing is like sex and dating is important we obviously get that we have a sex and dating podcast but the thing is you can never let it be your be all and end all because then it's just never going to work for you. Because if anything goes wrong, it's just going to take over your entire life. And if anything goes right, you're going to be too on it

that it probably won't go right for long. You know? Yeah, obsession and addiction pretty much never ends well. Like it's not a, it's not, those aren't admirable qualities. Those are mental problems

and disabilities and stuff like that. So you need to understand that anytime you focus on a singular subject to the point where it's depressing you and it's a matter of life or death to you, then you've taken something too far. Yeah. And again, as we say, you can definitely be sad when things don't go well, but they're like moments, right? Yeah. And if it's not just moments, then, then things need to change. And I think a lot of that, it comes from focusing on yourself so that one, you have so much going on that even if things go badly, it is a moment, not everything, because you have your own life and you have your own sources of happiness. But also if you don't

have those things, I don't think dating is going to go well for you anyway. Yeah. So just try and like be you more, if that makes any sense. Yeah. Find you before you try to find someone else. Yeah. Yeah. Because like we get it, but it shouldn't be that all consuming. Girlfriend dumped me, but keeps contacting me to prolong my misery. By Dave35678.

Oh, Dave. Girlfriend ended things last week. She had some sort of meltdown earlier in the week, and since then has been blaming me for everything wrong in her life. I'm the worst person alive. She packed up all my stuff yesterday and told me to come collect them. I did straight away and then was faced with abuse for why I had gone straight around,

because I couldn't wait to get my stuff so I could leave her. My head's a mess, as she has been clear I'm dumped, but keeps texting me to try and get me to apologize. When I send her a text back, it gets twisted'm again indeed the worst person alive she won't see me but then keeps saying i've left her i really don't know how to react anymore i literally cannot win whatever i say or do she wants me to wait around for her but won't say she wants me in her life is this personality disorder depression or just shitty behavior uh i mean we don't know this person so we can make that diagnosis but yeah dave come on dave um but i mean you're broken up you don't owe this person anything she ended things

if if you want to salvage it you can make you complete your case if you want to and be like hey like let's talk this out let's hash it. But it seems like she doesn't want that. Also, if she wants to. Yeah. You know what I mean? If that's something you want to do, then try to make that happen. If both parties don't want to, or one party doesn't want to,

then it sucks, but it's done. And if you don't want her continually contacting you, there's a block button. You just block her. Or, alternatively, if you... Just stop replying. Just don't answer her continually contacting you there's a block button yeah you just block her or alternatively if you stop replying just don't answer her yeah you don't if you're upset that she keeps turning things around and making you seem like a shitty person don't talk to her she can't turn things around if you don't talk to her and look what you're gonna get then is oh now you're ignoring me but that's when the block button works yeah and also someone can only message you saying oh you're

ignoring me so many times before they also give up well depending well um yeah like i i brought this question in for a few reasons one was i i think we've both been there where like someone has ended things with you but then won't stop contacting you yeah i don't understand it uh and i hate it it's it's the weird fucking like i literally age of dating where like people people don't want what they can have and then when they don't have it they want it but they also want you to play into their hand of like what they expect is supposed to happen like i've once i once saw a woman and she gave me the like oh i don't i don't sleep with anyone after three months unless we're exclusive and i was like well cool but we saw we've seen each other like six times yeah so i was like i'm

really sorry but like i'm not gonna be exclusive i'm not gonna get into that'll be the worst relationship i was like also we've like of those six times, like, four of them were, like, late-night booty calls. Yeah. So, like, I really don't know who you are. Yeah. Like, you know, we've hung out, and, like, I like you. Not enough to date someone. But I, no.

And then she was like, all right, cool. Well, then, like, for me, I've got to go my own way. And I was like, you know what? That's totally fair. Do your thing. If that works for you, that works for you. But I'm sorry. I'm not going to get it.

I've done this before. I've played this same fucking dance. And it ends poorly. Never ends well. And then proceeded to, over the next six months, booty call me. And I'm like, okay, look. This is what I suggested. I was like, you're welcome to look for other people and hook up with me.

But you didn't want that. But now you do. So i need you to be clear yeah because you don't want to show up hook up and her be like i told you only date people what the fuck is it i was is this you trying to get me is this an extension on my three months to try to date me exclusively because like that's not what i'm looking for yeah is this just you wanting to fuck? Because, again, I'm fine with that. Because that's what I proposed in the first place. But, yeah, it's one of those things where people will make up these rules in their heads or they come up with situations in their head.

And then when it doesn't go the way they want it to, or if you don't act exactly the way that you or they wanted you to, then it becomes this thing where it's like they get disappointed in you for not following the script yeah that you never got to see oh yeah which like also probably you wouldn't want to follow anyway had you seen it i feel like sometimes people want you to be more upset and like plead your case or like whatever uh which i think is a really shitty way to do things because again like breakups are one-sided mostly you know what i mean or or they only need to be one-sided right

so it's like unless you agree your contribution doesn't fucking matter yeah um so like if someone breaks up with me unless i have no idea why i might ask i'm not pleading my case i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Yeah. But I had someone tell me before, and literally, because we lived in the same building, the next day I woke up to a message being like, hey, I made you coffee.

And I left it in like, you know those fucking travel mugs that keep warm? It's like, I left it outside your door just for when you wake up. I was like, why? You broke up with me yesterday. I was like, what the fuck? And then like later on in the on in the day it was like hey you want to go get groceries together it's like no it's like not at all why would I want that and like I had been like yeah like sure we're done but like I messed around was like hey like I'm gonna need a little bit of time like if

we want to be friends in the future sure but like we just went from being like pretty intimate to being not so buffer period is going to do us both well and just would not stop every day like oh you want to come have dinner at mine like no that sounds terrible it's like you want to watch a movie of mine it's like we barely did stuff that intimate when we were like fucking i was like all of a sudden things like kicked up into like let's do all these couple things there's like what is happening it's like no and it's like we got had more contact and more invitations to things over that like month period than we'd ever had before it was like i don't understand any of this i don't remember the question anymore um it's basically just like girlfriend dumped me keeps contacting me

prolong my misery but i think we pretty much answered it where it's like just don't fucking reply yeah don't like i think at this point like i think you just have to sort of be like hey you ended this i'm going to respect that and i'm going to be cutting ties yeah let them know just be like i'm sorry you don't even need to let them you don't have to i think i would just so like you know they don't send messages in a dire situation. You know what I mean? I'm thinking worst case because that's just who I am. Where it's like if they text you and they're like, I'm going to kill myself.

You know what I mean? Something like that and you don't respond. At least they know they're not getting a response from you. You know what I mean? I know that's real grim, but that's where my mind goes. But I'm terrified. But if you block them, at least you won't get that message. Because that sucks.

Well, I mean, that's the thing. I'm joking. At least they know. You know what I mean? So I would say, hey, I need space. Yeah, sure. Please don't contact me. And if they continue to contact you, then be like, I'm sorry.

I've asked you for space. I'm going to block you. This is the thing. It's like you don't owe this person anything. It's like if you want to still be in a relationship with them one you don't really get to make that choice again you can plead your case if you want to but judging by this behavior i don't think you do want to or you shouldn't yeah i don't think you should get the fuck out of there yeah and just be good stop like again there there are some things where it's like they blame me for all these things.

And it's like, I'd love to know, did you do anything? Is this you trying to plead innocent to the internet? But at the same time, it's like, if you're done, you're done. If you're not, you're not. Like, well, but you're done. So just, I think, cut ties. Stop writing back. Block.

No, like, lingering interactions are going to be beneficial after you guys broken up especially when it's not a pleasant breakup and especially when it's not pleasant interaction at least like with you she was offering dinner and stuff it wasn't like you were getting texts every morning oh yeah yeah that's a piece of shit to be fair would have been a lot worse but i do think this way was weirder maybe i mean yeah but like although like to break up with someone and then harass that person you don't know the prolonged contact of just more abuse isn't gonna help anyway it was a great coffee so yeah you know i mean it's like i still have the mug at least like if you're getting positive stuff back it might be more confusing and it might be stranger and like this thing i yeah but like i also feel like sometimes

people want like a reason like they want to vindicate themselves as not the bad guy yeah so maybe they're trying to like set you off so you can do something so they can be like look what he said it seems like she's doing that you know exactly it seems like she's giving you questions and the second he responds she's like you said Yeah. I feel like sometimes just people can't get over the guilt of dumping someone, or they never want to be the bad guy. They always... I know people like that. And it's like, you don't owe them to be their scapegoat.

Just let them stew in their own guilt. If they feel weird about it, that's on them. They made their decision. Yeah, they're out there. You get to move on now. That's great. And they get to move on in their own way. And everyone gets to move on in their own way. And it doesn't...

And they're... Everyone gets to move on in their own way, but it doesn't come at the expense of their partner. It shouldn't. Sorry. It just doesn't. So, like, if it's causing you mental anguish, I'll block them.

Yeah. Also, like, clean breaks are fucking great. Just done. Yeah. Drop that guillotine. Yep. Not on people, but on, you you know ephemeral things like ties uh user zaz 934 asks do you kiss your girl slash boy after she he gives you oral or vice versa

yeah yeah me too i don't i don't exactly go like tongue deep after I've come in someone's mouth. Yeah. Um, because I'm just, I don't, I don't particularly want to eat my own cum. However, like, you know, like a kiss on the lips or like whatever, whatever. I don't really care. And like some people I know I've been with aren't as comfortable with me kissing them after I've gone down them. Some people don't really care. That's fine yeah i mean that's i always try to because i i like i pretty much if i'm having sex i almost always go down on someone before sex so it's like but it's like i then don't want to be like i can't kiss let me go run in do a mouthwash and also a lot of people don't really care yeah i tried to i mean i i mean we both have facial hair yeah you gotta get the

old wipe it tends to sort of get a little sloppy if you're doing your job right um what i do is like i like to to kiss my way up the body and just sort of like that's the thing it's like the longer snail trail up the way it's so true though um alternatively a nice thing to do is is when you if you're starting on top you you get a fresh genital off the side of the bed to cleanse the power yeah you get a little genital sorbet um you've got a jonathan or a clisandra you know i i clasp the bag of the head and sort of like give my face a wipe in the pillow behind i thought you were gonna say their hair i mean hey if they got long enough hair why not the thing is you you do what we call the And sort of like give my face a wipe in the pillow behind. I thought you were going to say their hair. I mean, hey, if they've got long enough hair, why not?

The thing is you do what we call the miller and you sneeze out what you ingested into their vagina. Yeah, I mean, you just give it a good like, and just get it all out. Yeah, I definitely give the old facial hair a wipe. I also think it's one of those things where it's like it's like grief time heals it so the longer you take to get to a mouth the less genitally it is right whereas like if someone if i just come in someone's mouth i'm not gonna be like smooch like you know deep tongue kissing but if it's like a minute later there it is you know let's quote Nile Spain right now. Oral sex is like grief. Yeah.

Well, no, cummy mouths are like grief. There's the five stages. There's denial. Nope. Nope. Not right now. Bargaining, it's like. Please?

Can I? Let me kiss you? Just a peck? Rub this pillow first. Then, snail troll me first. There's acceptance, which is smooch me yeah i don't know the other two are anger oh yeah come really come on um and then i don't remember the other one thankfully i've heartening never had to go through these stages um um yeah i mean like again i'm the same way if

if i've just ejaculated in your mouth i'm'm not going to, I'm not sticking my tongue in there. I'm sorry, I'm not. The same way that I'm not expecting you, after I've gone down on you, to, like, be subjected to your, you know, radial of feminine juices on your face. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Oh, no. It's the least sexiest stage. It is the least sexy stage. Um, but yeah, like I think everybody has their own, uh, like barriers, you know, like some

people don't give a shit at all. Yeah. I'm sure some people actually like it. Oh yeah. Uh, I know some people are like, Nope. Yeah. They stick straight to the denial stage uh or the anger or both den anger and nile hey that's me i mean if you combine our names we're

denial that's oh my god or nylon which sounds like a drug yeah um so i think like it's important to understand where your partner's at with it so you don't like blindside them yeah and i also think it's like because the thing is like i feel like we're both pretty much in the like the meh medium we're like you know we're not gonna grown into it before like i was so weirded out by kissing someone who would just suck my dick even if i hadn't like finished in their mouth, I was like, but like I've gotten into it.

I'm just like, if I haven't finished, I don't particularly care at all. Actually, I don't, I know I don't, I don't think I have for a long, long time.

No. I, the come thing again, it's like, I'm not going to French you immediately afterwards, but like it's, but it's one of those things where it's like, if I was more adamant about it,

I think like a lot of sexy time would be a lot less fun. Cause like, if I was more adamant about it, I think a lot of sexy time would be a lot less fun. Because you don't want to go down on someone, and even if that's all you're doing, and they come, and then you get up, and you cuddle, and you're like, yo, get your face the fuck away from me. It's kind of like a buzzkill. But if you're moving from oral to fucking sex, and you're still like, oh God, get the fuck away.

The idea of not being able to kiss someone while you're fucking like oh god get the fuck away the idea of not being able to kiss someone while you're fucking them is like a crime i once was with a girl i think pretty sure you know this and she just would it was like i don't like kissing i was like what yeah and like having sex without being able to kiss was super weird yeah i didn't like it i mean it's like it's like prostitution i know it's like little women the movie or whatever is that the one no pretty woman i don't know i'm pretty sure i'm right i regret it i haven't i haven't read little woman she's fucking a book and the other one fucked the house i don't know anything about this movie i think one's a writer she's an actress one's a writer i don't know i can't someone no but it's it Pretty Woman. Yeah, Pretty Woman.

That's the one. Edit this all out. I really hope. I'm good at movies. That at one point in time, we get a Pretty Little Women mashup movie where Julia Roberts. So Pretty Little Liars? You know what? Maybe.

I haven't seen any of this show. There's a woman named after a letter of the alphabet who died but isn't dead or is a virus i don't know she's named after the alphabet she's a her name is a i don't know if it's a code name i don't know that's weird code name she's not an agent is she i don't know um i haven't seen this and this friends has been our pop culture moment yeah where we don't know anything about classic literature but we know a lot about cumming mouths and grief yeah um we know 80 of grief we do yeah we got pretty close we didn't have the right order but yeah we got there that's because we we jettisoned grief we threw we threw depression out the window in the first question so we're good we just have double anchor um fuck what was're both white males, so.

I don't remember. It doesn't matter. Oh, it's your turn. Oh, we're done with this one. I don't know. Do you have anything more to say? I don't know. I'm still thinking about pretty women, or little women, just being about cum mouths.

Oh, man, where do I go next? Okay, you know what? I think I got, like, my questions are on a theme today but I'm gonna just I just fucking keep trucking on all right sure give us another breakup question it is my 23 year old female girlfriend just told me that while she still loves me 28 year old male she's no longer in love with me but I still love her like crazy she's the one this is by CP will see so we've been together almost five years I was her first everything and she's the one this is by cp will see so we've been together almost five years i was her first everything and she's the love of my life and i can't imagine not being with her

she seemed really distant last night so i prodded her i hope literally until she opened up i hope also lit no she burst into tears could barely look at me when she said it said she felt like this for a couple of months now and it was eating her up inside when i asked her why she felt this way she couldn't tell me she didn't know she said she's just not that excited to see me anymore but still loves me dearly as a friend came as such a shock to me as i thought we were all good admittedly over the last year or so our sex life hasn't been the best but that's my fault some performance issues which i suspect may be contributory but she wouldn't say it she said she's more than happy to work at things but we don't know what to work on if someone could please give me some advice on what to do as i can't lose

her like this i can't concentrate i keep crying it's all i can think about help please i mean there's a lot of things i want to talk about here and i think it's going to make me fairly unpopular about it but i don't believe there is a one no i don't i think that i think that concept is is sort of rooted in toxic masculinity yeah i think it's a really harmful fucking thing because also i'm so glad you agree oh my oh you know i'm like there is a one you asshole you're you're romantic um i was i was worried i was gonna face some some resistance on it. No, it's a stupid... It's a really, really, really, really harmful thing, I think, to ever have out there. Because, like, then you don't let people go.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And also, you don't know someone's the one until maybe you're dead. You know what I mean? Like, maybe you're 90 and you look back and you're like, well, shit, it was Kassandra. Yeah. It's not a name. Kassandra's a name. It's like, well, shit, it was Kassandra. Yeah. That's not a name. Kassandra's a name.

It's not at all. Yeah. It's one of the little women. Like, I'm sure, first girlfriend, did you feel like she was the one? I mean, this is the thing. It's like, when you're a teenager, literally everyone is the one. But also, if you come late to dating i think your first girl like it's first girlfriend syndrome right everyone or first boyfriend i don't know i assume uh it's like

yeah they become your fucking world you think that they're the only person but then guess what you break up and you meet someone else and you're like oh shit these are amazing and then they're kind of your one and then the next one is like oh my god this also is an amazing person like i've dated a lot of really fucking great people yeah and like some of them didn't end up well whatever but like they were still great people it's like date them exactly they were and it's like i wouldn't have been with them for a long time which a lot of my every single one of my like relationships has been like quite long um i mean you can have the one currently like you know i mean like you could have the person that excites you and and you love dearly and but like to to assume that they are the

only person you will ever love at like this way is it's almost a way of ownership yeah you know what i mean it's almost a way of saying like you're the one you belong for me and that's that's the harmful change that you're gonna break me and that's an unfair thing to do to someone to say to tell someone that like you are the be-all and end-all of my romantic and like sexual passion and if you do anything to me you will ruin me but also it's a crazy thing to say to someone you're the one for me yeah like where the fuck are they in all this? Yeah. Right?

And also, if they don't want to be with you, guess what? They're not the one. Unless you want to chain them up in your fucking attic or some shit, which guess what? Not okay. Please don't do that. Don't, like, so that's the thing. It's like, as we've talked about, it doesn't matter. They might be the perfect girl for you or the one, but if they don't want to be with you, guess what?

They're not. They're not. And there isn't, like, you need to move the one but if they don't want to be with you guess what they're not they're not and there isn't like you need to move the fuck on it doesn't matter saying she's the one doesn't make anything okay it's it doesn't invalidate it's not like she pulls out her breakup card and you're like aha you triggered my you're the one card she's like shit bitch oh i thought i was gonna get out of this relationship but now I guess I'm stuck with you forever, you asshole. Yeah, it's one of the concepts that I think media, especially like romantic comedies and that kind of stuff, has always sort of put into people's minds

that the second you find the person that you really connect with, that once the credits roll, which is when they get together, is congratulations, you've done it, they're yours forever. Life is complete. But it's like, that's not true. You know what I mean? Look at fucking divorce stats, bud. Exactly. How many relationships end in a breakup?

Yeah. A lot of them, I would say. Most of them. 100% most of them. And the other ones end in death. Yeah. There's a great Ernest Hemingway quote that is, when there's two people in love, there's no happy end to it.

Because either you break up or you die. What if they... No, no, that's bullshit. You can break up happy. You can die happy. Yeah, but it's not a happy... No. Get Ernest right now.

Get him on the line. All right, I'll call him up. I'm a ghost phone. Do you just look up Ernest Hemingway quotes before? When I was a young adolescent, I was obsessed with Ernest Hemingway quotes. I have a bunch of them. Did you see the message we got earlier? I did, yes.

So that one is for you, Freed Amigo. I'm just going to keep throwing Hemingway quotes at you. Thanks, Freedon Meagle. You've ruined my goddamn Wednesdays. I understand that Ernest Hemingway was a piece of shit. I know. Let's be fair. Most people are and were.

And it was a different time. It was a different time. But not to excuse it in the now, but I will say. You can't discount art from different periods. And if we did, it would just be like, everything would be gone. Yeah, we gone yeah we wouldn't have any so yeah we're not saying he's not a douchebag yeah he is douchebag yeah he just said some good things about things yeah uh and then some really bad things about other things so uh where the fuck was i yeah i think it's bullshit it's like she's the one no get another girlfriend and you'll realize there's only the one there's only one

the one and that's jet lee's the one uh which he kills all the other jet lees to assume their jet lee power what about neo oh fuck he's the one he is the one does jet leave to fight neo because oh man maybe that's what they're powering up for maybe all the jet lees are accumulating the jet lee power to fight are they an agent because they look like agent sm's what they're powering up for. Maybe all the Jet Lees are accumulating the Jet Lee power to fight. Are they an agent? Because they look like Agent Smith if they're a bunch of them. Well, no, he kills them. And when he kills the Jet Lee, he gets their Jet Lee power.

Doesn't Agent Smith do that to other agents? No, they literally became like just a big swarm of agents. Yeah, but didn't he, like not his own agents, but the other other agents. Weren't there other ones? No agents but the other other agents weren't there other ones no there was no other agents i don't think i'm thinking of different movies anyway back to the question we don't know anything about we are we are bad today maybe it's just the booze um so yeah you know what i find really funny is like the one is like a trope like it's a romantic trope why do we not hold other tropes to like actual real life consequences you know what i mean like everyone believes this one

at least for a certain amount of time in their life what happened to like the chosen one what happened to like you know where are the other tropes that were iron fast hold well i mean a lot of people believe trump is the chosen one that was a thing going around for a long time. So, you know what I mean? Man, I would... I don't know. I want to say I'd read a fantasy novel where he's the chosen one, but like... Not if he actually was, but just if it was just like him failing.

The reluctant hero is a very common fantasy trope. I don't know if he's reluctant. You know, the bumbling idiot becomes the chosen one. I think that is the trope that's happening in America right now. But usually the bumbling idiot isn't like an asshole, misogynistic rapist. He usually has some redeeming qualities. Yeah. We should probably shy away from this topic of conversation.

But also, if we ever go to trial, can we also vote to not have evidence and or witnesses? I wish. Why haven't we been doing this this whole time? There know there's a bunch of murderers like damn it i was like yeah was that an option well and wait a minute can i just say that we're not allowed to use dna is that a thing that we could do yeah the latest season of better call saul is him just they all go to court and he's like oh i vote to not have any evidence, witnesses, or arguments. And everyone's like, fuck. God damn it, Saul. You're so good. Damn it. He's the best lawyer in town.

Yeah, just like, okay. So, she's not the one. If she wants to break up with you, she's going to break up with you. Yep. Chill out. You will find somebody else you love. I promise you that. Yeah.

As long as you give yourself time to heal. Yeah. And let go of this that. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Give yourself time to heal. Yeah. And let go of this person. Yes. As long as you don't, you know, screw in the idea that she was the one and everyone else is a second choice. If you let go of that concept, if you, I want to put it in the box. I want to put the one in the box.

Yeah. Yeah. We a hundred percent put the one in the box. Yeah. So the thing is a few, I'm going to throw a few things here. One is that if you keep acting like she's the one you are going to burn this fucking bridge to the fucking riverbank it's gonna be gone and she's gonna think you're a fucking lunatic and guess what she won't even

be a fucking contact on your phone anymore let alone the one right just like you're gonna suffocate her hopefully not literally but maybe because that's the kind of fucking mindset that comes out of this shit so don't right um if she she has a problem this relationship if you want to salvage it you guys need to talk honestly and maybe she needs some fucking space because it sounds like she does so like space honestly and like maybe earnest effort sure but you also need to be willing to let her go yeah and otherwise there is zero hope even if you do let her go she may not come back and guess what that's probably that is for the best i'm not saying it's probably for the best it is because

relationships are a two-way street and you cannot have a relationship if one person doesn't want to come back yeah like do you want to date someone that doesn't like you because that's fucking crazy like that's that's serial killer talk yeah so you just need to move on yeah i know it's hard it's tough yeah it's tough like we're not saying it's easy at all yeah but the thing is you need to get this the one idea out of your head because she is not no one is there's there the concept of the one doesn't exist yeah the concept of the one is this like the same concept of the chosen one yeah or any sort of like you know trope that a movie produces is like you wouldn't look at that and be like that's a real thing yeah if you don't see someone wearing a shirt and be like oh i bet i have a frodo in my life you know it's just it's not a thing i'm right here you're my samwise baby i'd say you're mine nah

but like i think we're more gimli and legolas that's fair yeah that counts as only counts as one yeah uh like if you saw someone wearing a red shirt walking down the street you wouldn't just assume they're gonna to die, would you? Yeah. No. No. That's a Star Trek thing. Exactly.

Star Trek is not reality. Because we both get that reference. What up? I'm saying we end on a high note. It's the one pop culture reference we made today that we did correctly. Um, thank you very much for listening. It has been a pleasure. Um, I'm glad that we're drinking whiskey again.

Cause let me tell you, drinking fucking sparkling water in here just feels weird i kind of missed my coffee it was actually really refreshing but all the goddamn coffee shops are in your clothes yeah they're all done like six o'clock um you know i can get that coffee the caviar whatever the hell it's called again that was tasty we'll be meeting in the middle yeah i don't know why i just hid my mouth from the mic yeah is that a hashtag is that what you're doing i think it's just me and you embracing with just our lips your fingers this is another visual media yeah another visual joke that we're doing we're just killing it boys and girls again thank you very much for listening um this is episode 72 this is wild to me uh we're nearly at 100 we're we're

closing obviously not all that near but like we're closing weirdly fucking near closing in pretty quick we're closer to 100 than we were to zero that is very true that is math um if you have any questions if you'd like to send us in a question um we had a great question last week from freedom eagle um we referenced him again today. What up, Freedom Eagle? Yeah, you're the best. If you want us to answer your question like we did with his last week, please send us an email or you can message us on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us at email or you can send us an email. You can find us at email. You can find us on Twitter, fck underscore buddies. You can find us at email. Or you can send us an email. You can find us at email. You can find us at email. Now we've got to go by the domain at email. Yeah, fucking have to. Yeah.

You can send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Or you can send us. There's a little contact sheet on our website at fbuddiespodcast.com. Or plentyofbeef.ca hell yeah um and you can assign yourself an agent name if you want to choose one yourself um and we will answer the question as soon as we can and thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for the song paper stars are we running out of bad sex writing uh okay i might have to raise my voice at one point because it's in italics and i feel like they only want me to just give like weird amounts of emphasis you ready this is rescue me by christopher hart

just just so when you're ready to just lean back away from the mic that's the mic technique i'm going to teach her yeah her hand is moving away from my knee and heading north, heading unnervingly and with a steely will towards the pole, and like Serenalfiens, Pamela will not easily be discouraged. I try twitching and then shaking my leg, but to no avail. At last, disastrously, I try squeezing her hand painfully between my bony thighs but this only serves to inflame her ardor the more ever northward moves her hand while she smiles languorously at my right ear when she reaches the North Pole I think in wonder and terror she will surely want to pitch her tent why does it make

it sound like he's got a dick on like his forehead the north pole also like that's implying there's a south pole where's that on his fucking knees also like he's trying to stop her and she won't that's kind of grim but also he's like first like whenever someone tries to do something i don't want to do first course is just to twitch no it didn't work i like shake my leg and my leg. And then she, like, tries to... What? Also, how are thighs ever bony? Thighs are...

Thighs are meaty boys. That's the thing is, like, of all the places on a body... To use the word bony. That could be bony. The thigh, I would say, would be the least. I'd say, like, maybe the bum? No, I've had some bony butts. It's true.

I've never seen a bony thigh. Because, look, it's just... There's, like, what? Seven muscles? The quad? And the hamstrings? I've had some bony butts. It's true. I've never seen a bony thigh. There's like, what, seven muscles? The quad and the hamstrings. Hamstrings, two muscles. Quads, four muscles. Six muscles? This person's an idiot.

Unless she had a terrible quad accident. We're doing a new segment. It's called Bad Thigh Riding. You got some Dan? What's Dan up to? I was thinking the other day where I was just like, do we retire Dan? Well, someone messaged me the other day and they were like, still no Dan, eh? I know.

And like, I think they were actually a little concerned. I worry we've gotten thousands of people concerned about Dan. That's the thing. I was thinking about the other day. I was like, look, all Dan's shit is the same. Well, that's the thing. I was thinking about the other day. I was like, look, all Dan's shit is the same. Well, that's the thing. You could more or less

replace Dan with my ex. Yeah, yeah. You could just say anything. Be like, my ex likes chocolate cookies. How do I get her back?

No, you don't even need to put that in. It's fair. But then I thought, I was like, he's been silent for so long.

Did they get back together? I don't know. Should I message him? We should tweet him like hey dad ever tweeted him i think we did once i think we said something mean to him what maybe not maybe maybe if we wanted to why would we ever say anything mean to dan because he's a piece of shit yeah you're a piece of shit dad is this cyber bullying no like that's like saying a serial killer is wrong and people being like that's bullying it's like if we were calling racist a piece of shit it's not bullying yeah exactly it's like you can do a thing and then have consequences for that thing uh okay how about this i will make up a dan or not and you have to guess oh okay we'll do three we'll do three all right oh it's like two truths and a lie no i'm gonna do two and you tell no i'm

gonna do one and you say true or false and then we'll do another one true or false another one okay all right okay you ready yep how fast can you get an x-pack after a serious breakup that's true it's true it's true why won't my ex get back with me what's the real reason that's true that's true yeah why am i so insecure in my relationship that's also true it's true god damn it i can't make one up because like i know them all i'll make up one fake one then you guess okay uh why did my girlfriend and me break up i still love her and i want her back wait did you just tell me you're gonna make up a fake one and then wink that's a fake it's true you idiot

um so to cleanse the mind of what just happened there, I've got a Pornhub comment. Man, I'm torn because one's funny, but one has a really good username. I'm going to go with the one I like the most. You can just read the one and then tell me the other username. No, no, no. That's not how this works. This comes from Goat1879. First time in a while where I don't feel like I've committed several war crimes after I come.

After? My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And should we retire Dan? That's a discussion for another time. My name is Dane Miller. We did that. And we're your fuck buddies. Fuck buddies. you