F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 73 - The Altruism of Steven Tinder

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

We may have missed Valentine's Day, but that doesn't mean you don't need dating advice anymore.  In fact, with our inadvertent ignoring of the big V-D, you may need our advice more than ever!  Topics include the normal amount of likes to get on Tinder, hiding your success from new dates, when to offer a ride on a date, admitting your toxic behaviour, discounting non-hetro sexual experiences.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Niall Spang And welcome to your fuck buddies. Welcome back to this fine Monday.

Happy belated Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, we forgot to do a Valentine's Day episode. Could this be it? It could be. Valentine's Day hangover? I mean, all of our advice would be pretty much a year too late, but... Just spend the whole thing just being like, you're so late. You're late.

But I hope you had a good Valentine's Day. And if you don't do anything for Valentine's Day, I hope you had a good Friday. Yeah. Because it doesn't matter one way or the other. Well, I hope that if you're not in a relationship, that you're not one of those people that's all weird and bitter about it. Yeah. Or sad about it. There's nothing that pisses me off more than people being like, oh, great.

I've probably seen seven times in the last week, like, can till the 14th like oh like this is gonna be great it's like why does it matter to you if someone else in a fucking relationship like get over it yeah it's such a shitty fucking it's like something kicks in your door and it's just like yeah now watch us be in love yeah like just get over it nothing we're already in our mode yeah i'm in a mood today boys oh man some people are pissing us right off Yeah. Like, just get over it. Nothing kills me more. We're already in our mode. Yeah. I'm in a mood today, boys. Oh, man.

Some people are pissing us right off. Should we just get right into it? Not let this energy fade on us? This comes from Reddit user JumpmasterJ. How often do normal men get likes on dating apps? In my experience, I get one to three likes when I make a new profile, but then one like per week after that on Tinder and Bumble. If I boost on Tinder, I might get a like, but no no guarantee even from that i'm using the best pics i can of interesting activities and i've posted my profile for feedback which is always which was always

positive i've been doing this for years and if anything it's only gotten harder to get likes what are other guys experience if you're experiencing anything different what do you look like now i know this ignore the last bit no because it's not really i'm talking about what i look like right now indicative of of us we're in sweat currently we're both wearing sweatpants um what i want to talk about is how often do normal men get likes on dating apps like that's impossible to answer yes correct like uh there is no like it's one of those things where like people assume that like you're putting people in boxes that don't really make sense every single person is so wildly different like one normal guy with a beard or without a beard are gonna titillate

certain people because they may or may not like a beard or not a beard and there's so many variables yeah that's the thing i'm just talking about that then there's the rest of it there's like did you misspell your fucking bio did you not put a bio do you mess just like it's just it's just a matter of like yeah ever do I open your app at the right hour when the people who would find you attractive are also on the app it's like there's all those algorithms right of like when people are active and like how close you are so it's like if the only time you use it is on your commute or whatever and you commute like an hour into yeah the city or whatever it's like well then you're trying to

match with people that you're not active during the times that they're active and it's just like one of those things where it's like there are so many variables that there is no normal no and the second we've talked about it before it's like the second you start determining your worth based on how popular or what kind of dates or what kind of attention you're getting or matches. Or someone else, even worse. Yeah, it's such a negative, like Tinder, great. It's a cool platform to meet people that you otherwise wouldn't have.

But when people hinge themselves on. I see what you did there whether they're successful i keep forgetting hinges it was way after my time so um but you're just gonna bumble into all sorts of problems you're gonna it you're gonna like your self-esteem is gonna get grindered right down into the ground yeah i mean like you're just one fish in a sea of plenty of fishes yeah and like if you look around like make sure you've got like plenty of beef like have you been going to the gym you've been beefing up yeah that's yeah um yeah like it it doesn't make sense

and like i think what you just need to do is like make sure that your profile is what you want to put out there you know what i mean like make sure you look good in your photos make sure your photos one can be readily determined to be you because i think that's a big major problem is like if you've got eight dudes in every picture it's like fuck like what do i do or a landscape hey yeah if your picture is a landscape or a fucking flower you know what i'm assuming i'm assuming you're not a real person yeah or you're like 56 yeah because that's the only people who use landscapes as their fucking profile picture. Yeah. Like I was retirees.

I would make sure you don't do the usual like problems of like, you know, picture with your ex, picture with a kid. If you don't have a kid. Yeah. And I mean, you with a bride. Yeah. There's a problem. Like I've seen so many things like this.

Is it something that you like look at why you put the pictures out there did you look at a tinder picture guide one day and we're like shit i gotta get a picture of me fishing or like i gotta get a picture of me with a handful of money because those are things people do and they're both book wild uh so like once you have those things down and like you're not doing any of the really big sins and you have like something interesting that like again some kind of make it genuine don't make it look like you went on to like a tinder generator and just were like look at me yeah i have wit here's me smiling yeah here's me with my friend here's me doing an outdoor activity here's me holding a drugged tiger in

thailand um so like once you have those things down like also look at who you're swiping you just swiping hot bots yeah oh hot bots yeah like but are you are you listening to like everybody or you swiping everybody I don't know and also fuck it like all you can do is what you can do man yeah I mean comparing yourself somebody else is never gonna make you happier because like that was that was the point I wanted to bring up which is which is like it's so counterproductive to sort of be like if Niall is getting seven likes a week and I'm only getting two likes a week, there must be something wrong with me. It's like, no. There's so much bullshit. Also, Tinder is so fucked when it comes to algorithms. The fact that you're boosting and you're paying to boost your profile,

I wouldn't be surprised if they had a thing that inhibited likes when you're not doing it. If they know that you're going to spend money to boost, I'm not entirely convinced they don't have an algorithm to be like, hey, let's hide their profile while they're not boosting to make it seem like they need to boost. 100%. If I had someone doing the boosts, I would make the first one just so successful, and then I Would totally enter them every time they didn't boost that yeah, then they get your money That's what they want, and I don't to be a conspiracy theorist, but it's like these are businesses They don't care about you. They are actively just no one's in it. They're not just trying to get your dick wet

They're not like I got into this business. I don't fuck the money don't pay me Just make sure Dave even tinder didn't isn the most, you know, altruistic man. Steven Tinder actually has a dark past. Real dark. Yeah. Yeah, just like take a breath. Yeah. And just relax.

And if it's bothering you, get off Tinder. Take a month off. Or just don't. I love these things where it's like, get off tinder for just like take a month off or just don't like just i love these things where it's like a friend of mine recently if you're listening i'm sorry was like oh i'm done with tinder like i'm deleting it today blah blah it's like why is this like it shouldn't affect you you know what i mean like i never understood the like wanting to delete it like just i get it man really yeah it's it's like a it almost becomes like like a like a nervous twitch almost you know what I mean it's like you

you just open it up and like you start swiping and then you're like then you're thinking about it I get it remove temptation I just never thought about it it's like fucking do your swipes while you're taking the shit and then I mean yeah towards the end of it that's pretty much what I like if I was bored and I needed to kill some time or I couldn't sleep, that's when I would get on Tinder and just be like, I would just hammer out my likes. That's the thing. It's like, if it happens, it happens.

If it doesn't, it doesn't. I feel like when you let it become this giant big deal, that's probably hurting your chances anyway. But like on top of that, it's just like it, I don't know, it shouldn't be this like problem and it shouldn't be the be allall and end-all of your dating. It should just be, like, an extra option. Yep. Just cool it on Tinder.

If you're getting this upset about it, just fucking chill with it. And then come back to it later. Mm-hmm. So I just typed in Valentine's Day and read it. Mm-hmm. This is by xDaka. Okay. For Valentine's Day, would you rather receive flowers or a blowjob?

To completion, of course. Well, yeah Day, would you rather receive flowers or a blowjob? To completion, of course. Well, yeah. Why would you give someone flowers halfway? You see what I did there? Just stems. The old switcheroo. Just seeds.

These aren't completed flowers at all. I, obviously a blowjob. I don't want flowers. I don't like flowers. They're pointless to me. Even a plant

would be more important than flowers because at least plants you can like, well, it's impossible to keep them alive but technically you should be able to.

Flowers, they're just they're all they're like just dying. Yeah. It's like handing someone a puppy that has like a slow oozing wound from them. It's like, cool,

this is nice for now. Yeah, this is really cool until it bleeds out. Can't wait to throw it out in four days um yeah blowjob i mean yeah it's i'm sorry no question it's just like i there's very few things i would rather receive than a blowjob wait maybe if it's a healthy relationship oral should be given on both sides anyway so you should get a present and a blowjob it shouldn shouldn't be your gift. Maybe that's the point we should be making here. Yeah.

I don't know. If someone was like, give me flowers. Here's a Valentine's Day blowjob. Yeah, I know. Blowjobs are great. Yeah, cool. Great.

Thank you very much. It's just the very first question that popped up and I just really like the way it's worded. So I'm going to go to a different question. I'm sorry.

This is a twofer from your boy, Niall. This is by ReasonableEmu9. Hell yeah. I, 26 year old male, don't want my fortunate financial situation to be how I'm defined. What's the best way to state that topic when newly dating someone? Promising looking for genuine advice, I need help addressing my few work hours and my house size. I've already been defined by my finances with friends, which is why I'm asking about this.

Just because I have a six year relationship. I was working fast food when we met, so it hasn't been a concern with dating, but all of our friends treat me differently, so I'm worried this will translate to dishonest exchanges while dating. When me and my significant other were serious and considering children, I bought a house with lots of growing room. I'll be open and honest here, it's a 6,000 square foot house. I don't want to sell the house, just pretend I'm in the same spot as many other people my age. I also don't want to make excuses for never inviting a date over. Plus I like it here and so do my pets. I have a lot of hobbies I've filled the space with. It's possible I could get to know someone and go on enough dates outside the house for it not to matter but a bigger concern is talking about work. That's like

first date stuff. I own a manufacturing company and I've hired somebody else to run the show a couple years ago. I also only work a couple of hours a week just checking on things or making executive decisions. I'm home all day with a lot of free time. My friends always give me shit, playfully, for not having to work when they're busting their asses. How do I lightly bring these things up in conversation without lying, by downplaying it too much, or seeming like I'm bragging? I know not to tell anyone in real life anything like the square footage or how much I earn or what some things cost. I have a lot of tact and I'm very humble, but it doesn't seem to matter when people see my situation. I just don't want to hide or sell the things I'm happy with

just to find a genuine connection and not be labeled as that guy. This is specifically for dating women. I know some men get angry, upset, and competitive, but women compliment or tease a lot. How would you want this brought to your attention? How do I remain humble in talking about my work and life? Thank you very much. Sorry if this went on long. How old did he say he was?

26. Okay. That's a lot of house. Yeah yeah but i wish i knew where he lived because like that's true it's a very different we were having this conversation yeah if you have a six thousand dollar or six thousand square foot house in the back the middle of fucking nowhere then cool yeah it's like you're still doing well different situation downtown you've got a fucking mansion. If you're in New York City and you've got a fucking $6,000 or a 6,000 square foot fucking brownstone, it's, yeah, okay, I get it. I assume it's somewhere decent enough, or else it wouldn't have this much of a concern,

right? This is tough, because I get it, and it sounds like he's not being a dick about it. You know what I mean? Like, I understand that there is. Well aware how off he is. There's people that would, A, potentially try to take advantage of it. One, I don't think selling or moving or, like, getting rid of any of your shit should be. Like, presumably, unless you sort of like inherited the business you know what i mean

like if you if you never had to work to make this business yeah all right but like if you just started this company and it became successful then it's like fuck yeah yeah and i'm sure your friends are proud of you and i'm sure the teasing is you know playful and friendly you know what i mean like hopefully they're not actually pissed that you're successful because that's a good friend but also good friends like they probably you know there's a certain like element of like anyone can see the the difference so it's like bridging that gap with humor hopefully so like showing that they don't mind and like ragging you a little bit hopefully that's where it comes from exactly um so i think if anyone asks you like i don't think right off the bat you should be like i own a super successful

you know manufacturing company that i barely run anymore you can just say i'm in manufacturing you know what i mean and it's like you haven't lied it's like oh i'm actually self-employed yeah oh i'm an entrepreneur with a manufacturing company yeah cool like that's all you really need to say and if someone like if people then start being like well how much you how much do you make yeah then you can sort of indication that yeah you know exactly what that kind of person is before you've even told them yeah and like you can it's fair to say like i don't really want to talk like yeah you can say you're not comfortable talking about that kind of stuff and you can just be like play it off as a joke or you know i mean be like uh you know i get by i did pretty well like haha like what about

you what do you do and like move on because honestly talking about what you do for work is probably the least fun thing to do in a date anyway unless unless they have a crazy cool job yeah unless like you love what you do and you work like your dream job you know i mean most people are just kind of working to get by you know not people are like, oh, shit, tomorrow I get to go in again. Someone's like, oh, I travel to exotic places and build houses. It's like, I'm probably going to follow up with a couple questions on that. I'm a member of a dedicated SWAT team for a nuclear facility. It's the best one I ever fucking heard.

The two most ripped men I've ever seen in my life got into the pool in Thailand and told us that. And I was like, I believe it. I believe by the depth of your pecs, I believe this. life got into the pool in thailand that told us that and i was like i believe it yeah i believe by the depth of your pecs i believe this and this thing it's like yeah there's some questions or like some some answers to what do you do yeah that will make me be like oh but like and also most of the time it's gonna be like bartender yeah move on great like i know how that works yeah and also if someone is super pumped, they will talk about themselves. You won't have to drag it out of them.

So like, again, shouldn't be a problem. But yeah, if your whole first day is talking about work, like it's a bad first date. Yeah. And if it becomes like, if that's the only thing they want to talk about. Then yeah, you probably know what person it is. So I would, yeah, just like, don't be weird about it. But like, you you know you can give simple answers like we discussed like oh self-employed work in this industry like oh it's

pretty you know i do all right um and then just kind of like move on from there and like unless you like you know odds are you're going to be going out anyway like you know somewhere that's not home the first few dates like you kind of usually have to work to bring someone home you know you don't just kind of end up there you can always be the gentleman be like oh where's your area like we can hang out somewhere nearer to you so if it is ever like them home yeah if it's ever a we want to go home somewhere if you're nearer to their place and it's balls in their court which i'm sure they'll prefer so it's all good i think you do have to be concerned like concerned a little bit that like some people might feel and it's balls in their court which i'm sure they'll prefer so it's all good i i think you

do have to be concerned like concerned a little bit that like some people might feel really insecure when they see how well you're doing and they live in like an apartment so to maybe make sure that they know you don't care yeah all right like i i don't know i dated someone a while ago who like had a they they only had an apartment but like there was uh it was just them living there like i had a roommate they had a pretty good career uh i didn't uh their place was just like you know really nicely fucking furnished like everything was like clearly chosen and put there and like you know it's stolen from a starbucks patio exactly and like the whole place was just like super fucking nice and cool and like trendy like you could fucking take a picture of it and put it it could be the set of like uh you know gossip girl

or something it was great i don't know it was a cool place then you go to my place it's like yeah i stole those chairs from a starbucks uh you know it was not exactly the and i was a little self-conscious about my place so yeah i mean this thing is like as long as you don't then go to like their apartment you're like you know what i mean you tiptoe around because like their bathroom is the size of you know what i mean or like their apartment is the size of your bathroom you're like uh sorry where's the luxury soap yeah um could you show me to the solarium please uh yeah i i don't like i i understand the concern but I think that I think it should be easy enough to get to get at least a few dates in before this happens

it's so I think it's also very easy to find out if people gonna be cool about it like if you bring someone home and they get real shitty or get real weird about like then it's like if someone brought me back and they were like oh i actually own this like whole place i'd be like that's fucking cool yeah especially if they had like you know what i mean like they had a reason like if they were like oh i actually started this company i'd be like fucking cool if they were just like yeah my dad gave me all this money because he was rich i'd be like okay less cool but whatever yeah it wouldn't really play into it that's the thing like i i once uh you know i was sleeping with a woman who that her parents lived in uh china and she was like an exchange student and they literally just bought her a

condo because they were fucking loaded and they were just like i'm gonna buy you like a super sweet like right downtown condo for you to go to school in um and she told me and i was just like that's fucking wild for you and cool but like yeah that was the last like i didn't that no longer like that didn't color my opinion of her yeah because like what's the opposite like are you going to be like uh no mom and dad i'm sorry please yeah could you make me work you know 38 hours a week while also attending school while barely affording the rent in this buckwild city. No, no. I would like to be like everyone else who probably will never afford a home.

Thank you. I'd like to live my life with that constant dread that I will never own a home. If she, you know, was shitty about the situation, you know what I mean? Yeah. If you're not shitty. If you end up being braggy about it or like. If you're like, oh, really? Why haven't you bought a place?

It's easy. It's like, fuck you, bud. Yeah. Yeah. Once you're not shit and like, I you bought a place it's easy it's like fuck you but yeah yeah once you're not shit and like i guess other than that just pay attention if they're like oh there's this five-star like michelin place restaurant you know if they kind of always are angling for you to spend your money on them like yeah maybe that's the reason why they're in the relationship so i think that's kind of the only thing you gotta be concerned about yeah i feel like the red flags will be pretty big.

Yeah, especially when it comes to money. No one's playing the long con to get you married without, like, dropping a few red flags along the way. Yeah, it's one thing to, like, you know, if any other situation, you know what I mean? But, like, when it comes to money, if that's what they're after, then, like, it's hard to do that tactfully.

You know what I mean? You're going to be suggesting high-end places. You're going to be suggesting fancy gifts and shit like that. It's going to be very clear that they are taking advantage of your money. Whereas if it was, I can't think of another example, but it's easier to manipulate people on smaller scale things than when it's something as overt as cash. You know what I mean? Yeah. Here's a question that's going to be real easy.

This comes from Reddit user Brocks1991. Blowjobs are flowers. Should I offer to drive or is it too early for that? We met on a dating site. Second date is tomorrow. Should I offer to pick her up or is it too early in the relationship? I don't want to come off as a creep for asking I guess it depends

what you're doing is it too early in the relationship to offer to drive no but also it depends what you're doing where you're going

yeah you know like if it's the kind of place where like they would have to I don't know because honestly like I don't think in a city

it's that wouldn't happen. Like here, unless you were going somewhere really weird. And if you're going somewhere so dramatic that you need to, like, make a journey out there, they probably trust you enough to drive with you. Yeah. I'm assuming it's like, you know, bigger cities are a little easier to get around. But like, you know, suburbs, you know, the transit's not exactly the most. So, like, if this guy's

living out in like a suburb it's but like the thing is like it's such a weird thing that you think that there is a time period in which like asking for or asking to or offering a ride is not acceptable and that's the craziest thing to me because i'm like yeah if that if something is mundane and courteous as that it would be no different being like hey can i open the door for her on the first date or is it too early in the relationship okay what i what i can see is like opening a door there's no kind of inherent threat depending on the door hey man i could slam a door real hard get her halfway through good night but like you're you're in a car like cars are like look at tv look

at movies look at the news yeah you can kidnap someone you can drive off of them they're trapped in your vehicle like there's all those things so i get why he's not saying i'm going to pick her up he's asking it's like i guess he just doesn't want to seem like he's trying to get her in the you know what i mean i do get it i do i do think like between what he's saying between what you're saying is is where it lies because i do understand that i hold the door open you're gonna i never you'll know it i'd never let you hold the door on me i know i see those risks those door slamming risks um so i get it like there is that kind of like implied like you know like with taxis and with ubers it's like oh i almost said ubers ubers

ubers uh it's like check the license plate check the driver like all these things there is kind of this inherent threat in cars i get it uh i don't think that's just stop you from asking especially like if the like if this is a reasonable possibility it's probably a really nice thing to ask you know what i mean because like otherwise one they have to drive or two they have to go to fucking transit and that sucks yeah so and you can also just be like i'm gonna be driving do you want me to pick you up or do you want to meet me there yeah and also it's not even the first day it's the second one they have a fair idea of you and like whatever and if they're not comfortable they can just say no they'll be like no i'll just ask it's it's such a non-issue yeah

um and i'm just like i'm so worried that it's then gonna like what other things like what other milestones you have in your head that you think that like you need to wait before you you know what i mean it's like are you like oh there's you know can't possibly try to kiss someone before the fourth date can't possibly do you know what i mean it's like i i kind of get it i do i think they're overdoing a little bit but I think where they're coming from is a good place. Yes. I'm not saying that he's being malicious by any means. No, I know.

But it's like, everyone needs to just fucking chill. Just breathe and just be like, you offering a courtesy to someone? It'd be different if you're like, I'm going to pick you up at nine. Yeah, and then didn't. That's something. You know what I mean? But to offer someone to be like hey i'm driving do you want to ride or meet me there like that is such a simple thing that if

someone then gets upset about that or if someone's creeped out by that then like yeah i i think that you're you can wash your hands guilt free of that that's fair i do like as much as there is that kind of like implied threat or whatever if someone says no that's fine but if someone gets upset that you even offered that is probably enough of a red flag that you know to just forget about that yeah yeah so yeah again but also if you're in any way not taking the no then you are in fact quite creepy yes you know i think it's like i think offering to give someone a lift is almost like saying oh you want to come back to mine so it's like if you're having a good date and whatever and you're like oh the bar's closed like oh do you want to come back to

mine and they say yeah cool if they say no cool there's no in between you can't be like oh no come on yeah then all of a sudden yes just what is an offer that like i think is fairly fucking reasonable then becomes you being a fucking creep yeah absolutely it's it's the only time things become creepy is i guess the initial phrasing yeah and then your reaction to the you know i mean like phrasing is everything but also just yeah how you take what they say because there is no real gray area yeah i guess it also depends what they say. She's like, Oh,

I wouldn't want to bother you. And you're like, Oh, there's no bother. That's not. Yeah. But if you press it, you know?

Yeah. If she's like, Oh no, I think I can, I can get there. You can be like, you can even say, are you sure?

It's not a big deal to me. And then I think, okay, cool. If you change your mind, let me know. Exactly. Cause I'm driving anyway.

Yep. Uh, so I think that's the only thing you have to be concerned with is like, not pressing your case and like if they seem like they're giving you like a polite like oh no don't worry about it don't press too hard either because like you might yeah yeah like they might just be trying to let you down easy so they're not saying sorry i'm worried you might be a serial killer but you might think they're just being polite so like you gotta just trust when when they're saying what they're saying yeah you might think they're just being polite. So like you got to just trust when,

when they're saying what they're saying, no matter how they're saying it. And even if they do think you might be a killer, but that's okay. You can change their mind. You know what I mean? Like if, if they're just throwing them in the car and lock the doors and after an hour

drive, don't kill anyone. Don't kill them. Yeah. You drive them to some more real sketch. No, don't do that. Bring them out to your,

you know, wooden made, like handmade shack out in the woods. You want to see what's underground. Bring him out to your wooden handmade shack out in the woods. Your bomb shelter that you made with a few friends. You want to see what's underground? Open the trap door. And then when she's halfway through, you slam that bitch. The door, not her.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm calling a woman a bitch. It's funny because I feel like every time we go off on these imaginary tangents that, to my mind are very clear jokes and as a result like the like it's not promoting that material is mocking it because it is so not what you should do i still feel like i should be like we are not being serious i don't know and i feel like it kills the moment yeah so how about do it for real no here's here's what i will say don't let me open the door for you i never have if you if you ever see me out in the wild and i say please after you don't fall for it you ever seen like you know like that odd episode of breaking bad where everything is so fucking tense you're like on the edge of your seat and like your heart

is hammering and you're just like fucking losing it that's how it is every time i try and get out this fucking closet because dan's like oh let me get the door and i'm like no no no and he's like no no seriously i insist i'm like and it's likeane's like, oh, let me get the door. And I'm like, no, no, no. And he's like, no, no, seriously, I insist. And I'm like, and it's like- There's a reason now it sits closest to the door. Oh yeah, man, I fucking bolt the second this is done. There's nothing but a sweaty patch left on this chair. Okay, this is, I just realized I'm a toxic girlfriend,

need all the advice I can get. Yikes. By jelly loaves. My boyfriend, 26, and I, 22, have been together approximately two years. This is my first serious long-term relationship and the first person I've ever loved. I love him with all my heart. We've had a good relationship, but also extremely rocky.

I've known we had problems in the past because of me, but after seeing a post on Reddit about toxic people, I came to the realization that I've been toxic this entire time. It's shameful, embarrassing, and hurtful to admit, but here are some toxic things I've done. I would constantly break up with him and get back together. He would beg to have the relationship continue, even though he never did anything wrong, and I would always reluctantly take him back. When we'd argue, I would rarely admit I was wrong. He was always the one apologizing, even when he was right. Our most recent breakup occurred because I offered him

an ultimatum and he couldn't do it. I ended up coming back to him a few weeks later, reversing the ultimatum and asking for a second chance. I wouldn't want him contacting his exes. I would get annoyed if he wanted to spend solo time when I wanted to hang out. All these things I chalk up to me being new relationships and immature and selfish, which I understand I am. But now I've realized I have some serious toxic behavior beyond that and it kills me knowing I've done this to the person I love the most. Caused emotional pain, turmoil, heartbreak, and stress and he deserves none of it. I want to be a healthy person for him the most. Caused emotional pain, turmoil, heartbreak, and stress, and he deserves none of it. I want to be a healthy person for him and for our relationship.

I want to completely quash these toxic tendencies and never have them resurface. It's shameful how long it took me to realize what I'm doing. I greatly appreciate some advice, and I can be a better person and a better girlfriend to him. I mean, that's pretty cool. Yes and no. My concern is,

you said that you would break up with him repeatedly and reluctantly take him back that's not exactly something like if you love him you wouldn't reluctantly i would get it like you were it was sorry it was like reluctant like she would act like she was doing him the got you so it was air quotes yes sorry Okay. Then that changes that point of view. It's so I will say it is good that they know or have admitted that they're doing wrong things. It is fucking shit that it's been happening because all those things are awful. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I've definitely dated someone who's done those and it is the worst. Yeah. I mean, I think the first thing that you need to do is apologize to your boyfriend. I think you need to sit down and be like, hey, so the past little bit, for however long

they've been dating, however long you've been doing this, you have to admit to it. You have to say it out loud because you just saying it online being like, I'm going to be a better person doesn't mean shit unless you've actually acknowledged it to the people that you've hurt and then he kind of gets the chance to be like hey that's fucked up yeah i'm done with you and you don't get to fight that no and it sucks yeah but like

it's it's kind of what you've you know what i mean it's the bed you've made now you 100 i think an apology is the first and most important step and like an honest open fucking apology because like you've been gaslighting this person because even when they're wrong you've or even when they're right you've made them admit that they're wrong or say that they're wrong and you've been like breaking up with them just to like get your way and like doing these like awful things and like you like working on something like this isn't a quick fix no and even if it was there's still wounds from the past that haven't been dealt with so you can't avoid the apology part and also admitting that you realize your fucking mistakes will kind of like

help you i think going on because at least that person will know if you're doing it again he can be like hey remember what you said and you'd be like oh hopefully oh if you're doing it again, he can be like, hey, remember what you said? And you'll be like, oh, hopefully. Oh, shit, I'm doing it again or whatever. So, like, at least it's someone who, if they decide to stay with you, is kind of, like, keeping you beholden to your new promise, right? Yep. 100%. I think that is the most important thing.

I think, secondly, it's, like, try and figure out why you're doing these things. Yeah. Because I assume it comes from some kind of insecurity or like fear or just like the wrong idea of how things get done. You know what I mean? Like maybe you're so scared that they're going to leave you that like you're like putting them in this shitty position where like you're kind of holding all the power and they're the one like scrambling for your approval and all this shit like figure out why you're doing these things and fix it in a good way yeah i mean like accountability here is going to be the most important thing so i think even i would say after you talk to him and have the discussion and you know really really lay everything out and i don't mean

like this this shouldn't be easy for you if you walk away from that conversation being like that went well you've done it wrong you've probably done it wrong you know what i mean um if if there's no real conflict in that um in that conversation i'm also concerned about him in the sense that like well that's the thing at this point have you might have done so much fucking irreversible damage at this point where he might then apologize to you for because he thinks that he's his behavior has made you think that you're toxic when in reality you are very toxic but he might think that's a byproduct of what he's done yeah well considering in the past it's been i'll reluctantly take him back when i dump him yeah and i will make him admit he's wrong when he's right so so i maybe don't don't accept the

easy apology yes like if he's like no no it's my fault like you need to like be firm with him and it might get to the point where harsh on yourself and here's the thing i'm sorry you do deserve it you might have to break up with him for real in the hope that you sort his shit out because i you know what i mean like i think if if he's like no everything's okay i'm not mad at you yeah i i you know what i mean i'm sorry i've done this you might have to be like i've done so much damage to you that even when I'm telling you that I've fucked up and I've hurt you you don't care about like you are still so preoccupied with my feelings that you aren't dealing with the hurt that I've caused you and I think it might be really shitty for both of you but I think you might have to be like this is bad for you i am bad for you

you know what i mean and it's like i might be better for you at some point in time but right now you need me out of your system and you need to purge me um and it's going to be tough because you've done this before yeah that's the thing it's like it's you've you've you've fucked this whole situation up so badly um that there isn't there isn't an easy fix for this if there's a fix at all yeah you know what i mean like it might be the point where like this guy might need professional help yeah well it does a number of people like i had an ex do this for for so long that like it almost became like a running joke with friends like oh you guys broken up again for like you know the night and then tomorrow it's the same bullshit right so yeah like you there there is no easy fix for this this isn't a i just i just don't do that tomorrow

yeah you know because one i doubt it's that easy for you and two there is an underlying issue that makes you do this i assume you're not doing it for shits and giggles. And if you were that itself would be its own fucking underlying issue. Thirdly, it's like that person needs time to recover and like to, to know what a real relationship is, which this isn't. Yeah.

Or shouldn't be, you know? Um, I would also say if, if you haven't driven them all the way, um, contact his friends after you've had this conversation. If it's as extreme as we've made it out

and you do feel like the best thing for him is to end the relationship, you might need to reach out to his friends and be like, hey, and do the whole thing again. You know what I mean? And sort of be like, I understand that I've been really shitty to him

and he needs to get over me and he needs to get me out of his system and I need you to help me with that. And at least let them know that that's the reason why you broke up. Exactly. And not that it's just the same fucking story, right? Because I'm sure they're going to- Because one, he's going to need his friends. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm sure it's going to be another eye roll from them. Yeah. Because- Because as a friend, nothing gets more fucking exhausting than when you see someone be constantly hurt and hurt and hurt. Because I'm sure his friends have told him, like, leave her. Like, do not go back to her. Or they haven't because it's a hard conversation to fucking have. Right.

You know, maybe he's made clear. And I guess you do when you keep getting back together. Right. you do when you keep getting back together right because so like the point of that would be it might be beneficial for more than just you to tell him what's been going on you know what i mean like if if i was dating someone and they were like hey i fucked you up real good um you might be in denial but then if you then have a like a group of friends be like hey man like yeah it's been fucked and it's like we're and like that almost gives them the the green light to actually say something because sometimes

it's hard or at least even if you do you temper it a little bit because you don't really want to hurt someone you want to support them to to a degree yeah yeah um but it's like it might be good to be like hey man like we we had your back because it was you know you cared about her but like she's actually right you know i mean she's she's honestly man those friends probably hate you and this is probably going to be the only thing that will get you any respect from yeah i mean they they are probably very excited to get their friend away from you yeah or just to even hear that you are taking fucking positive steps because like yeah you know everyone wants to think someone can change and get better i'm not sure a lot of people ever do you know but uh when

they do i don't think anyone's mad about it right you know if it's genuine right it's done well and it might uh i i mean like it's so hard because it's like it might even be worth like if he does have like one like best friend like a dude that he shares everything with maybe have him there for the conversation to just have some backup to be like she's not fucking with you like i'm here yeah i i don't know i think that could be really hard for the person like the boyfriend yeah i know like no one wants to be dumped or have this awkward conversation anyway and to be like you're almost being told that like no one likes to know they've been taken advantage of or bullied or anything so to like lay a bear is gonna hurt but to lay a bear in front of someone it's kind of embarrassing you know what i mean like no one

wants to see seem weak right or or stupid and i think there's no way you don't feel weak or stupid after although i'm gonna tell you right now his friends probably think he's weak and stupid already no I don't think so if they're your friends right you can understand where someone's coming from and like still think it's bad and still think they're making bad decisions but still not think they're stupid or weak right I mean like not in the harshest

terms but I'm sure they're like why is he doing this you fucking idiot so I just think there is no easy way out of this and if there is you're doing it wrong yeah that's what i'm saying if you're if you're walking out of there with a fucking head held high thinking you've done a good job then you haven't done it yeah you need to go back in there and not leave until you are like physically dragging your mangled emotional corpse out of there like you deserve it you know yeah and like by all means it's fucking great that you've admitted it and

that you've recognized these like this is not us refuting that at all it's just that there is no easy fix yeah and if and if sorry and if things do like if he is willing to to stay and work on it like there will inevitably come a time where you do something and he says, and he will bring this up and he will be like, oh, you're being toxic again. Or, you know,

he will call you on something and your first response is probably going to be like, oh, fuck you. You're going to bring that up or like, and you can't do that. You know, again,

depending on the fucking situation system of being like, you're going to need to really make sure. Cause like the whole point of this conversation is so he can recognize and call and and and have this dialogue with you and if you shut that down by turning it into you're the victim again that's yeah the complete fucking opposite um i want to also add it's's like as, as poorly as you've treated this man, I would also say like, don't carry it. Like you don't need to, I know we've said that like you should feel terrible. Um, but it's like, you don't need to carry an emotional penance in the sense that like nothing good will come from you punishing yourself arbitrarily. You know what I mean?

Like forcing yourself to go through hard changes is one thing, but you know, deciding that you don't deserve to be happy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because it's like, it's not a death sentence. It's not like,

well, this is it for you. It's what we're trying to say is that like the process and that conversation, it's like, don't just be like, Oh, I mentioned that I'm good,

but don't sugarcoat it. You know? Yeah. But it also doesn't mean you're just fucked for life, right? Like you, you can move on and, and hopefully like if it's like don't just be like oh i mentioned that i'm good bye don't sugarcoat it you know yeah but it also doesn't mean you're just fucked for life right like you you can move on and and hopefully like if it's done right this can work but it has to be done right yeah because i know people who have like cheated on their partner and have felt really guilty about it you know what i mean like whether they were drunk and they did it or you know i mean whatever the situation was and then immediately regretted it and felt guilty about it who would then punish themselves

for years you know what i mean thinking that they weren't allowed to be happy and wouldn't let them give selves into other relationships and wouldn't let them you know do x y and z because they they had made a mistake in the past and it's like if you know it's a mistake and you and if you are actively trying to change it and if you are making the strides to be better people then you don't need to like that's punishment enough oh yeah you know that's the thing the process is facing your mistakes is a hard enough journey yeah you don't need to add in sort of these perceived punishments that you're adding on top of it because it's not it's not going to make anything better it's not going to make you a better person it's not going to help in the healing process moving forward and admitting your fault and like

working on it is hard enough. And that's all the punishment you need. That's your punishment. Yeah. That is your punishment. Don't make up anything else. No. So I think it's super positive that someone can actually look at those things and recognize

them. And like, that's the fucking first step, you know? So hopefully it works out. And if anyone's listening is like, I do that. Fix it. Yeah. This comes from Reddit user Free Smiling. My friends still consider me a virgin because I've never had a penis inside of me.

Hey, so this is more like a rant than anything. So my friends and I were out for drinks the other night, and one of them was talking about this guy she hooked up that had a really big penis. We were all laughing, and then she said, not like you, you little virgin, as a joke. I'm a lesbian, and I've only had sex with two women. Have been out for a little over a year. I've told them about the two girls I've hooked up with,

but they have always told me that it doesn't count because fingers are not equal to a penis. And I'm probably still, and then I'm probably still tight. I mean, yes, I'm a little bit tight because I've never actually had the man's penis or a dildo inside me. Fingers are my limit because a clitoral stimulation is more of my thing. But I hate being made a fun of for being a virgin. just because they don't think the sex i've had is quote real well this is a woman of course uh it's i guess kind of upsetting her lack of knowledge about vaginas but okay what do you mean uh the whole like oh yes i'm tight because i haven't had a dick in me or yes i'm tight because i haven't had a dildo on me it's like have you seen childbirth yeah like the it's like

shit we can't have sex anymore unless i ride up a fucking dump truck and just like drive in and reverse out because kids are huge yes um yeah no that's not how it works um i was being sarcastic for the listeners at all obviously i'm gonna adore them good uh yeah so like uh yeah and you know it's funny it is interesting because like initially when it was like i'm a virgin but i have another whatever very heteronormativity heteronormatively of me i was like well and then even before you said i, I was like, oh, but what if like they were in like a lesbian relationship or like whatever? Yeah. So it's like your friends are kind of being dicks.

I hope they're, they mean it in a joke, but I guess they probably don't. I mean, even if it is a joke, it's like. It's a hurtful joke. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's funny once you can be like, ah, but then like if every time you guys talk about sex, they then are like oh you actually you're sorry you can't have this conversation real sex yeah which is and that's the best part is you need to actually shut them down and like if they're joking you need to joke with them be

like like the thing is this isn't gonna happen for you if you're not into men so what the fuck is the answer to this you need to be like oh i oh, I'm sorry. So are you going to tell me I'm never going to like lesbian sex and real sex and just watch them? Sorry, is my sexuality not valid? Yeah. I now have to in order for you to respect me as a woman, I have to go outside of what I prefer and what I am, you know, attracted to to be fucked by a man so that you will then respect me and my sexuality as a woman because i finally had a penis inside me yeah i

think you need to shut them down hard like and then you can also pretend you're joking afterwards or like say in the same joking tone be like if they get upset be like oh i thought it was a joke yeah oh sorry like you don't like being called out on bullshit exactly and just be like or even just if if you don't want that aggressive of a response just maybe actually talk to me like hey you always say this shit and like you know i'm a lesbian you know i want that aggressive of a response, just maybe actually talk to me. Like, hey, you always say this shit. And, like, you know I'm a lesbian. You know I'm not going to have a dick in me. So, like, can you just shut the fuck up?

Like, do you realize this is a really shitty thing? It's like you're putting yourself above me because of my sexual preferences. Like, do you realize how fucked that is? To tell me that the sexual interactions I had aren't valid yeah is that's the craziest fucking thing to say um because like it would it's pretty much like the only because like gay sex presumably is real sex because penis is going inside of something whereas like i'm sorry just because you're not you don't have a penis insertion does a penis have to be involved for sex to happen because like i didn't realize we'd also claim that for ourselves like yeah penis

people we got everything now yeah it's like yeah um also like so virginity's all right that's that's it's a fucking made-up social construct so like it doesn't it's not actual thing yeah like virginity is it's like well yes there is you, physical things that happen, specifically for women. Yeah, but also those can happen if you ride a horse the wrong way. Yeah, no, for sure. Or the right way. I'm not sure how the horse riding part happens. It's like virginity was like a construct made to increase the worth.

Yeah. Like literally the monetary worth of a woman before, like ages ago. Like it's such an archaic concept that like also what age are these people um i don't think it says because like if they're 15 and 16 like it's still balls but like i kind of get it i mean that's the only age range where you're like yeah it's so important look how cool i am but like if you're any older i mean they said they're out for drinks yeah so i'm getting the worst part is probably for america so i'm gonna guess 21 at least yeah i think it's one of those things where they might not even know what they're doing necessarily like i would hope

there's no malice in it but at the same time like it probably comes from an insecurity where they want to put themselves above someone and they probably don't think you mind and i don't know maybe it's i'm hoping there's some positive thing behind it but that doesn't fucking matter but the thing is they might just not know how this thing is like being there there are things that we are like that are ingrained in to us that we don't understand are harmful until someone explains it to me you know what i mean it's like if i if i reversed myself back 20 or like 10 years i'm sure the things that i had in my fucking mind would be would be like would turn my stomach oh yeah um even fuck it even probably like two or three years ago like i really didn't really start

listening properly uh until like a couple years before we started that you know i mean it's like and then i know that's hard to say and, and, but like, it's true. You know what I mean? It's, it's the whole reason we started this thing was like when, when you finally start listening to people and you finally start accepting

people, you end up learning so much. And some of it might challenge what you like your preconceived notions or, or challenge what you've learned your entire fucking life. Yeah. Um, and then like the mark of a good person is rolling with that instead of doubling down. Yeah.

You know? But like, so people just don't know. And like, if they think it's an ongoing funny joke, or they think that you appreciate it, or they just think that they're being har- Like, just talk to them. Like, have you talked to them? Yeah.

There's no harm in being like, hey, this- Yeah. It really sucks when you do this. Do you mind not joking about it yeah and if you have to lay it out and explain this to them then fucking do you know what i mean but like if they're your friends they should get it pretty quickly and if they don't then i think you've got a pretty good indication that you're not friends with these people um and for whatever reason they might not be able to get over this one issue which i think

is a really shitty thing but like nobody likes to be called out like that. Yeah. You know? And like, it would just like, it's, it's such a fucking wild thing. It'd be like,

if just arbitrarily choosing being like, Oh, you haven't actually had sex until you've had doggies though. Yeah. Like, Oh, Oh, you've only had missionary.

You're still, you're still a virgin. Oh, you haven't, it's not real sex. You haven't had sex on the roof of a car. Okay. Well,

yeah, it's not virgin. Yeah. It's like, it's such an haven't. It's not real sex. You haven't had sex on the roof of a car? Okay, well. Yeah, it's not real sex. Yeah, it's such an arbitrary thing. It's like, no, sex is many things. But also, on another unrelated note, they yelled this when they were out somewhere, right? Out having drinks, right? In another sense, it's like, that's going to bring up questions about you and all these things. It's going to paint you in a certain way out like to people who don't necessarily know you and that might result in you being outed

like if someone asks for clarification or makes a joke or whatever and like outing people also isn't cool because yeah they know you're out but other people might not and you not might not be comfortable like there's a bigger issue here and there's so much fucking shit to do with this that to them just cavalierly like shame your sex life is really shitty yeah uh and you just you need to talk to them and you can fucking please make them listen to this i don't know if this person listens because it's a Reddit question but if you do this to your friends you suck yeah so stop um thank you very much for listening friends um it's been a pleasure thank you it's always fun

to get in this closet have a glass of whiskey and talk some sexy stuff with you yeah thank you oh you're talking to me I thought you were

talking to them I mean everyone everyone involved we are talking to you yeah if you guys have any questions send them on please

we love I do actually prefer getting listener questions than online ones usually usually online ones are more batshit but the online ones are more bat shit, but,

uh, the user ones are always really genuine and cool. So I appreciate that. Um, you got plenty of beef.ca. You can always go do our website. Go to plenty of beef.ca. I just love saying that.

It's so good. Yeah. Just, just hit us up. We, we love it, you know? Um,

and thanks. Yeah. Thank you so much guys. It's, it's crazy that we've been doing this for as long as we have we're almost at 100 episodes like we're yeah it's crawling into that pretty quickly and you know what before we leave it too late to start asking if anyone has an idea what we should do for episode 100 fucking send them in yeah because we're always like we should do

something for like episode yeah whatever and then we like put it up the week before it's that episode and fucking forget so again if you have it, send it in. If you don't, it's cool. Yeah. We'll see you there. We'll see you at the finish line. Yeah, we'll be there. It's not the finish line.

It's not the finish line. Maybe finish line of season three. If you have any questions, you can send them our way through a variety of means. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com and you can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com

or plentyofbeef.ca Hell yeah. Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. Now Fuck, I meant to bring a book. Uh oh. I read some stuff that wasn't sex writing but was just horrendous gendered writing. I wanted to do an extra long Dan segment.

Is it new Dan? It is not, but I do have an article by Dan. Sexual conversation examples to use. So what is it about me that turns you on so much? Oh, hell yeah. When you just meet someone. Yep. Yeah, you like that one?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Hey, do you like oysters? I hear they're supposed to be great aphrodisiacs. When are you taking me out to eat oysters? See, this goes back to the dude who's got the money. If anyone opens with that, they're after your cash. Well, do Buckashuck.

That's the thing. You need to, anytime someone tries to get your cash. He doesn't say Buckashuck. He's asking for the good stuff. Do you like soft, sensual kisses? Or intense, passionate kisses? Hell yeah. Is this literally meant to be the first thing you say to people?

It's like when you start to talk to someone, the first time you meet them, a few senses in. Cool. Which is a wild thing. I don't think I've ever asked anybody that. Hey. Because I think... Hey, do you like... Hey, do you like to be choked?

That would actually... Well, I think that would be less weird than this yeah i think it would be too uh kissing in public yes or no oh that's perfect because if they say oh yeah i don't mind it well how about damn guess what girl hold on we're in public yeah and soft or passionate yeah which body part do you like being kissed on the most apart from your you know what? God damn it, Tam. That's so golden. Say it with a straight face. Hey,

what body part do you prefer to be kissed on aside from your you know what? Oh, just... How can... And then the best one. Actually, that might be the best one and this is in brackets if she is applying her lipstick what flavor is your lipstick can i taste it and then just fucking

bite the lipstick like like fucking unroll it as high as it can fucking go and just chomp down on that motherfucking guy yeah and then she said she says yes and she like moves in for the kiss just grab the thing and just bite it off like mmm yum yeah also lipstick doesn't have flavor that's lip balm and lip gloss

god fucking jeeboos no I'm sure there's flavored lipstick uh I am not the man to answer that question I don't know either but Dan apparently is

are you ready for Dan or no Dan yeah alright should I send my ex a birthday card um that's not Dan or no Dan? Yeah. Alright. Should I send my ex a birthday card? Um. That's not Dan. That's Dan. Damn it. Should you ask your girlfriend if she finds you attractive?

That's Dan. That's Dan. How do I catch my ex if she keeps on running? That's... They can't... I don't... They can't be Dan. No, it's not Dan. It's not Dan. Hell yeah. Okay.

Okay. To be fair, while looking through, I made that one up before I looked. And when I was looking, there's one that's practically that. So. This has been our episode, and we like to end it with a... I don't know how to describe it sounded really somber i think we're about to drop some bad news no no no i i'm just trying to think of like what like pornhub musings because it's usually not a comment based on things it's usually just people

yeah screaming into the void that is the pornhub comment section. And this one comes from Reddit user LegoHub. Please consider including a visit to the store. Lego store. I hope that's just a really enterprising Lego employee who's like, I know where I'll get them. Yeah. Get them on Pornhub. My name is Dave Miller.

And I'm Niles Bain. And we have been your fuck buddies. Happy After Vomit Day. and we have been your fuck buddies happy aftervonbanger