F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 74 - Bad Lover or Great Murderer?

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Don't be scared by our rocky start, this episode is still packed to the brim with that good advice and plenty of trips to Tangent City.  Topics include a cryptic door note, how to pamper your fuck buddy, how to recover from asking someone out and not getting a response, taking steps to rougher sex, stop wasting your time and energy on douchebags.  Also, check out our new friends at Tickle.Life for all sorts of great sexuality and health content!

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm now Spain. I don't know, what's happened? We're your fuck buddies.

Oh, you alright buddy? Don't act like you don't know what you did. I don't know what I did. You caught me with the fucking door. I let them open the door for me. Yeah, well, how's everyone doing? That was a little throwback to last week. I'm good.

How are you? I'm fine. It's been a day. Whatever. It's coming in with that Nile energy. Yeah. Well. Well, I'm sorry.

Nah. It's not necessarily bad. It's just been a blah week. Yeah. The weather's been blah. I think that's what's getting me down. The weather's been fine, whatever. It's been a decent winter in terms of winters.

I just mean like gray. I haven't seen the sun. It was sunny this morning. What fucking time did you wake up at? I don't wake up in the morning. What fucking time did you wake up at? Like a little afternoon. It was beautiful at 9 a.m., I'll tell you that.

Well, good for 9 a.m. It was beautiful at 7 a.m. when I couldn't sleep either. It was shaw 9am I'll tell you that Well Good for 9am It was beautiful at 7am When I couldn't sleep either Shawling through that window When there was no sun Lit up my face Like it was a fucking grenade 4am when

I went to bed Yeah When I was going to bed at 4 Didn't either Alright you ready? Yep Are you gonna go first? Am I gonna go first?

I can go first This comes from Reddit user Sunveins Oh my god I have to interrupt I'm sorry okay i forgot there's a time limit on one of these okay again if it's a 69 guy again it's not okay i don't think so this is by miss scientist oh reddit we have five hours to decide hello lurker here i need

your help i have a crush on my neighbor. We're both extremely awkward. We run into each other and chat randomly while walking our dogs. I just left a friendly note on his door with my phone number. Is this creepy? I read a lot of Am I the Asshole posts, and now I'm afraid it's similar to some of the neighbor things there. I have five hours until he gets home. I can remove it before he sees, or as the young kids say these days,

shoot my shot. I'm so scared please advise i mean depending on what the note is i don't think you're going to be an asshole you might be a little overbearing or a little you know coming on strong but yeah like like i don't think unless your note is like you're going to murder their dog unless you go on a date with them like i don't unless it's just like hey um i've been watching you and your dog takes a shit and you don't seem to pick all of it up so make sure that next time you really get in there also here's my number yeah um could you really keep it down at night because you're

fucking keeping everyone awake also here's my number kk bye yeah there's i don't know i don't think you have to worry about being the asshole here. However, they have five hours. Should they keep it up or not? Why not? If you're never going to... If you don't have the courage to muster up the conversation or asking him out or giving your number in person, then fucking why not?

Because if you already say you're awkward when you fucking chat in the hallway, then what's another layer of awkwardness of him being not calling you? Yeah. One thing that kills me is they don't tell us what's a little bit, what's another layer of awkwardness of him being like not calling you? Yeah. One thing that kills me is like, they don't tell us what's on the note. Why would you, why would you not tell us what's on the note? Yeah.

Like if I think it's like, I hope to God it's just a number. Yeah. Cause they're not going to know who the fuck put that there. It's going to be great. Yeah. Cause like if you write on the note being like, Hey, it's blank from this apartment. Um, also hopefully, I guess you put it on the door. Cause like it's blank from this apartment um also hopefully i guess you put it on the door because like one you're also revealing personal information to literally

just anyone could walk out and yeah that's take this number it seems to be that they like because on his door yeah they sit on his yeah i assume you've probably like written your name and number and probably what apartment you live in just so he knows who the fuck you're talking about but unless they don't maybe they're that awkward yeah i mean this is the thing so yeah i we can't tell you whether or not to take this off because i don't know what's in the note i know that you could also write like if you just wrote like if the note is just a really crude pictures of like two stick people like fucking yeah and your name and the number i'd be like yeah maybe take that off like i need i need to feel your hog.

Yeah. Like, I want to ride that hog. I'm going to click you into the mattress. Yeah. Like, maybe it's a little aggressive, you know? If it's just like, hey. And that's, I don't know. I feel like putting it on the door, kind of weird.

Because not only does that person get it, hopefully, but everybody now walking up and down the hall, like now, up and down the hall like now like you think you're awkward now everyone knows about your little tryst now every single person on that whether it happens or not yeah even better if it doesn't right so now when you bump into each other and he hasn't texted you you're gonna be like hey but then dorothy from fucking 302 is gonna be like oh shit and like claire is gonna be peepingeping and Tom and Jerry both up on the balcony just going, oh, he didn't text her at all, did he? Yeah. That's a weird move.

Don't put it on the fucking door. Slide it under the door. Yeah, because, like, the only two things that get put on doors are, like, eviction notices and ransom notes. Like, those are the only two things that can put on doors maybe like threats yeah you know maybe slurs yes i'll extend my ransom note to like messages of threatening nature yeah like nothing positive you could put that into evictions yeah yeah or and there's one caveat that's not that threatening and that's when you don't get package and there's like a fedex thing on your door i don't know man mine my guy always signs it or else r.els yeah he always like it's

just it's like pickup package by 7 p.m on thursday or else yeah his name is robert else hey man i'm just saying yeah he doesn't have to sign it with the angry emoji either and a knife yeah he just leaves emoji either. And a knife? Yeah, he just leaves it. He just duct tapes a knife on the door too. That's how he leaves it. He stabs it. I like how you,

that's where I was going with, but you see, we're like, yeah, he sticks it on the door and then just duct tapes a knife. And then has his own knife. Knife, knifely beside it.

Yeah. That'd be cool. You have free knives. They're dull. That doesn't seem that threatening. Oh, that, wait, they're dull? Yeah. That's a threat. Yeah. That's just, that dull. That doesn't seem that threatening. Oh, wait, they're dull? Yeah.

That's a threat. Yeah. Oh, 100%. That's insult to injury. While we're talking about knives, can I just talk about my subway experience the other day? This is completely off topic. I went to Subway for the first time in a very long time.

Was that knife? I mean, sorry, knife. And the sandwich artist- Did they cut it? Did they have their knife the wrong way by accident? Because I've seen them do that. I mean, kind of? Not really.

She was obviously a new sandwich artist. She was new to the art of sandwich making. Why was it obvious? Because she cut the fucking bread down the middle, like on the top. Oh, instead of like... Almost like a hot dog bun. And then the... Wait, what?

Like she... You have your sandwich roll and you're looking at it down. She cut... What monster? Right. That's not even new to sandwich making. That's new to earth. That person was an alien.

Yeah. Oh, it gets better. 100%. She then goes to get the tongs to put shit on. And she... You know the little metal bit that keeps the tongs from opening she doesn't slide that down she tries to use the tongs with the like you know the two centimeter yeah uh of like clickiness and she's like struggling and i was just like oh my god one

you have gloves just use your fucking hands no one used tongs to put lettuce on a sandwich just um and then finally when it was time to cut the sandwich in half. Did she cut it in half again the other way? She took her serrated knife and then like tried to like press down through it as if you were like, you know, not sawing motion that you use a serrated knife. And I was just like, I don't know what I've. Even like for bread, you still need to saw even though it's not a serrated knife. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You have uncovered an alien invasion and they're trying very hard to pass off as human and failing. But the thing is like, I watched, there was another woman there who I have been served by before. Cause I assume it's like a franchise. And she was just staring at horror while blinking. She didn't do anything about it. The only time she,

she like got got into the mix was when she, the first bread cut, when she was like, no, no, no. That's not how we do it here. And I guess when she was like, that's not how we do it here, she means not Subway. She means on Earth. Visibly, that is upsetting.

The way a sandwich is constructed, there's the smooth, unbroken crust on the top and the bottom. Like there's, there is that, that place where you put the knife. It's, it's visually, it explains itself. Yeah. My God. I know it had nothing to do with anything.

I don't remember why I brought that. You should leave instructions for making a sandwich on her door. Stick a note on there. A little. And then all her neighbors will know she's a shitty sandwich artist. Yeah. So I. She's just learning. That's all. her door stick a note on there and then all her neighbors will know she's a shitty sandwich artist uh yeah so I she's just learning that's all

I think one don't put it on the fucking door slide it under the door like a real adult yeah secondly make sure the note

is like one explanatory there needs to be a certain amount of information and keep it casual we

we you know we chat in the halls I would love to to have a longer conversation do you want to grab drinks one day I once did this you know about this I'm sure I was moving out of the place

a very attractive girl was moving in not to my place to a different thing end up lifting some boxes for her and a bit of chat got on a little bit but her mom was there helping with moves so I wasn't going to be like hey can I get your number wink in front of like her mom so i was like fuck it uh we kind of like lingered a little i know coward i know it's i'm terrible uh so we kind of like lingered a little bit hoping that we could like talk but then like we were on a timeline so either way wrote a little

note was like hey it's the guy who's moving out of whatever um and i helped you move in because i knew like their apartment number and i was like oh i hope this isn't creepy but i was like just a heads up like here's my number we're still like we only live like a few like stops down the road like because we did we're moving in pretty near i was like if you want to grab a drink sometime give me a text and they did and then we went on a really nice date and now we're really good friends still so it works out if you're not creepy there you go yeah uh yeah just just be chill however and this is the best part about not looking at this question until now there are updates okay because the five hours was a few days obviously passed or was it uh seven hour update note is still there but the time to take it down has passed i realize he may not see the note for a while 24 hour update note is now a permanent decoration it lives there on the door so it's

still there a day later it's amazing yeah uh don't be weird um this comes from reddit user sun veins or vienes uh and they say how to pamper men and show your appreciation with sex. My. Can you reread that name? Sunvenes? Veins? I don't know. Vienes?

Vienes? Just keep trying. Is it a word that I'm not seeing? No, it's just fun. Okay. I don't know. It's just like you went through so many different ones. I actually, I'm sad that you showed me what it was.

I was trying to just imagine. Sorry. It was just very fun. How to remember a man and show your appreciation with sex. This is a 21-year-old female asking about her 20-year-old male fuck buddy. He's been feeling down lately, and I feel bad. He's a really great guy who always takes care of my needs, although I have a higher sex drive than him.

And even outside of our sex life, we are close friends and he's always very good to me. I want to show him I appreciate him and have him just relax for a night so I can take care of him. I was wondering what I can do that makes him feel pampered and sexy and happy. I don't simply want to use words because I'm always complimenting him anyways, and I think actions have a stronger effect on him. I also don't want to be too overtly romantic slash something only couples would do because we're very close friends with benefit, but not dating. By the way, he prefers being on top,

so I was considering riding him for as long as he wants, but he doesn't like the angle. Well, like, without any personal information on the guy, it is hard to tie in because everyone has their own individual preferences, and linking it to that is usually you know the best way to go uh if we're talking in general stuff like people like massages give them a massage and transition that normal proper massage into a

full body massage yeah you know make it make it start good and soothing and whatever and then get it dirty by the end yeah you know also don't be afraid to get some of the like like actual uh massage oil that is like flavored because you can like it would suck to like get a hand job and get it all oily and then be like now i can't blow you because you're covered in like you know yeah you also would want to make sure not if your oil is like suitable to go on the dick i don't know yeah um uh presumably they i think durex makes a really really good um safe massage oil that um it can be ingested it doesn't like degrade uh condoms so like you can you can use it and then put a condom on top of it

um i'm pretty sure it's directs i'm sure i'm sure ky also has one um i'm sure there are plenty sex lube a sex body oil a something like that a really great toronto um brand called fuck water um which is which is a great name i'm pretty sure it's at least ontario but i'm pretty sure it's toronto um and they make a, they make an amazing water-based lubricant that can be used for all of your sexy needs, including massages. I find like most things that start with that four letter word are incredible.

So like, you know, fuck water, fuck buddies, podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure there's other things.

I think you're right. Yeah. Like a massage, like that was the first thing that came to my mind it was like if i if someone was like hey i'm just gonna massage the hell out of you and then we're probably gonna fuck afterwards i'd be like this is the best or even just like i guess it also depends on like why they're down you know what i mean yeah like if like there's a bunch of ways like you can you need to tie this and you need to tie their personal fucking preferences and lives and shit into this so it's like let's say they lost their job or

something or they're like super busy or like they're super stressed just be like hey i know you're fucking stressed come over i'll give you a massage like just take five minutes for yourself and like lie down and i'll fucking like you know that that'll help with the stress or be like oh i know you're super busy i'm gonna make you a fucking great meal and i'm gonna blow you yeah you know what i mean like these are all things and like if they're too busy or like poor to like have a fancy meal you can like cook them a fancy meal you know and i know there was the caveat of like i don't want it to be couple things but it's like realistically there aren't really any couple things like if you guys are close the thing is like if you guys are close. The thing is, if you guys are close friends,

have you not gone out for dinner before? Yeah. Like, have you never gone out for drinks or dinner as friends before fucking? Because like, I don't believe that. Yeah.

And that's not like, I go out to dinner, like going out to dinner with a friend. We go out to dinner. We go out for drinks. It's not a romantic thing. We get oiled up and massage each other.

If you get like a horse-drawn carriage covered in rose petals to bring you to a really fancy restaurant where someone like, you know, plays fucking, you know, not a harmonica, a violin. Imagine a fucking harmonica. That would be beautiful. Yeah, and then they bring a ring and a glass of champagne. Yeah, exactly. Then you're like, but it's a friend ring.

Yeah. That's confusing. But like, realistically, like, I get it. If you guys have only ever been like, meet up, fuck, bye. Then yeah, being like, cool, let's go out for a nice fancy meal. It's a little bit of a leap, you know? But you can even then preface it or be like, you know, there's ways to do it that aren't weird. But you guys are fucking friends. Yeah.

Like this. Just go to your favorite restaurant. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or mean I just like cooking dinner or something there shouldn't really be too many things that are off-limits with the whole like no other couple caveat like you should be pretty good yeah you know what I would do you know what like would be my perfect thing would be like one yeah absolutely massage have them wear something say like wear something sexy if you know he likes a certain type of look you know if he's into like black lace or like because i'm sure something

like that has probably come he's probably asked you to wear something even if it is just like a fucking turtleneck you know i mean like if that's what gets him going or like glasses wear wear something that he's super into put your hair up in a ponytail i don't know fucking ariana grande that shit um because you know iconic ponytail um okay does she yeah it's what she's just a regular ponytail I don't think there's anything special I think it's just she's always got it um okay either way like I'm sure he has you know he has a certain specific visual look and even if there is you can put on some nice underwear and isn't, you can put on some nice underwear. No one's saying no. Put on some nice lingerie.

And then, yeah, fucking massage them. And then, like you said, make it into a sexy. What I would, what would, like, make my day? Just a nice, like, slow, sloppy blowjob.

Just, like, just go to fucking town on that. With, like, you're not trying to make them cum. You're just making it feel fucking good um and that's like and then he will then then you make him come yeah that is a very important part unless he's really into that yeah um or make it you know and then and then sex have to have some real good sex and in between hit all of his like big favorite things and then order food yeah get

some take some dirty either get like a fucking you know get a bunch of fucking chinese food splurge or like you know get pizza get pizza something like it doesn't have to necessarily it doesn't need to be if you want to avoid the romance yeah it doesn't need to be fancy just comfort yeah get a shit ton of taifu get a shit ton of like whatever and then just sit there and like put on his favorite show put on his favorite movie or whatever there's a bunch of music and just have a fucking good drink and like just... And then like switch modes into like friend mode. Like, you know what I mean?

You've done it. He's brain dead because of the amount of fluids he's lost. And now just like let him rant. Get him Super Smash Bros. Play a game or two. If he wants to just fucking like

rant about why he feels bad, let him. Like, okay, cool. Now it's your turn to be a friend and let him unload on you the second time of the night. just fucking like rant about why he feels bad yeah like okay cool and again a lot of this is trying to be a friend and let him unload on you the second time of the night and let that dick recover and then wash your hands after takeout because it's so greasy and then get back to it especially if you got like hot wings or something oh my god i've done that before here's the thing if you've gotten hot wings don't let him you. It doesn't matter how many times he washes his hands. No, it's never. Just don't do it.

It's not going to be good. I felt so bad because I once had an incident with that. Yeah. And these wings were so hot, I couldn't finish them. And then I tried them again later on in the week and gave up and threw them out. And I like spicy foods. Yeah, this is... I will note that...

I had gone to town on these hands and fingernails and i felt so so so so bad yeah i yeah so just keep that in mind in your on your round two yeah adventure if it's spicy food yeah stay away yeah uh but yeah that's for me that that would be that would be me taken care of at least for the night you know what i mean like that would that would bring me yeah that would bring me right down to zero like the next morning no matter what they had to deal with they'd be so much better yeah you know first they're gonna sleep like an angel and one it's like it's just a really cool thing to do for a friend oh yeah it's it's it's one thing like to be able to help a friend out is great but when you have the added benefit

of actually also then, like, being able to give them sexual release as well, like, it's a little... Yeah, yeah, there's, like, a level of intimacy that kind of gets added that, you know... That it's nice to, like, you know, bring into a friendship

to be able to be like, okay, cool, like, I'm here for you, and we can talk, and we can, you know, we can do all the things that friends can do, and then we're going to fuck each other silly. And, like, that's such a great stress relief. And it's such a cool place to be in and a privilege to have in a relationship. Yeah.

And, like, so just, again, take those things, tailor them whichever way this person, you know, because you know them. You're their fucking friend. Yeah. And, you know, just be mindful of what it is that they like what is stressing them out like if depending what it is maybe one or two of those things might not you know be the best idea yeah of course because it could be anything but but you know barring something crazy like it should be fine so yeah and honestly just like them knowing that you're kind of making them priority and like going out of your way for them. That's going to kind of be all that they need.

So just, it's great. Yeah. Do it. This is my throwaway. Four, eight, nine, three, nine, three, nine, three. Oh, okay. Thought my crush liked me back. So I asked him out.

He rejected me. Dang. Technically didn't reject me. Okay. He ghosted me. Okay. He completely didn't respond to my message saying we should go out sometime. I'm a 24-year-old female, never been on a date or in a relationship.

Normally, I wouldn't have asked him out, but I was 99% sure he liked me because of all the signals he was giving. So, I took the leap. And now I just feel like an idiot. Did I misread anything? Was he leading me on? I'm crushed. Um, does it say what Does it say what platform? You think there's any details on this?

Nah, B. Well, I think at this point, there's no step you can do outside of face-to-face contact. I don't think you need to... Don't follow it up with another question. You can go one of two ways in like a response you could either be like okay i'll take that as a no then as like a haha funny but like there's no way of him knowing that you're not being petty or like yeah that does come off it's kind of it's going through the filter of text, which will automatically make it seem like you're being catty.

Okay, fuck you. But, like, and then the other alternative is, like, to be catty. You know what I mean? So, like, you're really playing one note regardless of what tactic you take, I think. So, I think the best thing to do is just be like, well, it sucks, but leave it. Yeah, but the thing that kills me about this is, like, you weren't rejected, necessarily. They didn't reply. Yeah.

Which, like, it does... And that's, I think, the worst part, maybe, or at least a bad part, is that, like, there is no specific... There's nothing to really fix on. Like, they might not have gotten the message. Yeah. Or they might have...

Might have the wrong number, if it's, like, a phone number. Might have been the wrong number. Might have, like... You know the way sometimes a message pops up when you're in the middle of something yeah i mean you're drunk or you're asleep like fucking for me sometimes i wake up see a message i click out of it and i'm fucking half asleep and i'm like my alarm doesn't go off for an hour i'm not gonna wake up look at a bright phone and read this message and then by the time i wake up i fucking forget yeah and three days later i'm like huh you

want to go climbing? What? Yeah. If I get a message between like five o'clock and 2 a.m. on, you know, from Friday to, you know what I mean? Like on the weekends when I work. Yeah. I'm probably going to forget about it. Yeah. Unless it's like absolutely dead.

I'll probably see it when I'm taking a piss. Yeah. At some point in the night and then not have time to respond to you. And then forget you ever sent it to me. Or some people have like, I work with people who have their facebook messenger notifications turned off and don't use it and every now and then i'll like send them a message and three days later i'm work i'm like did you like that meme and they're like what are you talking about i'm like the meme i sent like you didn't send me anything i'm like what and then they finally went to it i was like oh i

never checked that and i'm like but it was so funny it was such a funny meme and like there have been like 10 day stretches where i'm like are but it was so funny. It was such a funny meme. And like, there have been like 10 day stretches where I'm like, are you not going to mention the meme? Yeah, it's tough to not know.

Like, because again, it could be anything. Maybe he broke his phone and got a new number. You know what I mean? Like any number thing. And like, I think that,

that would drive me crazy and like that would, that would tempt me to be like, reach out like on another platform, maybe message on Facebook or message on Instagram, you know what I what i mean or something i think literally the only option you have here is to ask him out in person yes and i think at that point because like it's the scariest because potentially he's already rejected you by not answering yeah

you know what i mean so like that you could already have had a no and then you could go up again be like and be like it could go up again and be like, it would be really uncomfortable and be like, yeah, no, I didn't respond to you because I didn't want to. Yeah, but... And that's a harder...

And that sucks, right? But sometimes it's better to do a thing than live with the fear of it. Absolutely. And I think... It's better to know it's a no than wonder if it's a yes.

Yeah, and if you guys, if you don't bring it up, and the thing is, you're going to have to do it the first time you see them. Yeah. You can't do it the second time or you can, but it'll be worse. But like third, fourth, fifth, like you don't bring it up, and the thing is, you're going to have to do it the first time you see them. Yeah. You can't do it the second time. Or you can, but it'll be worse.

But like third, fourth, fifth, like you can't in five weeks be like, hey, remember that time I asked you about my message? I don't even, you know what? I wouldn't even message. I wouldn't even mention the message. I would just start from scratch and just be like, I would just ask him out.

No, I would entirely mention the message. I'd be like, hey, did you get my message the other day? And then if they're like, huh? Then you'd be like, would just ask him out no i would entirely mention the message i'd be like hey did you get my message the other day and then if they're like huh then you'd be like oh honestly i just want to ask you out and like then they get the chance to say yes or no and at least it'll be done with yeah um whereas i think if you just ask them out like without mentioning the message if they have seen this really weird or if they later see it they're gonna be like what no because then i'd pretend i never sent it. Oh. Shit, I like that. Take everything I said back.

And they'd be like, what are you talking about? Yeah, no, meet up with them and be like, hey, did you get my message? And then he'll be like, yeah, and be like, what message? And you'll be like, what? I'm like, I didn't send you one. And then you just smoke bomb. Yeah. That would be amazing.

Yeah, turn it on him. Fuck his mind. You've been playing the been going you've been playing the guessing game all week make him play the guessing game for life yeah make him question the very fabric of reality maybe like start texting him a code just keep sending him anonymous videos yeah of him snow um yeah i think next time you see him you just got to be like hey i just wondered you get my message the other day? And then maybe like, Oh, sorry, I was busy.

And then if he lets you down, lets you down, whatever, because you're already there. So it can't get worse. This thing is like not being rejected. Just puts you in like a little cage in which you're not going to move forward from any direction. You know what I mean? You're just going to constantly be like, well, maybe my crush still likes me. Cause if he doesn't like you, then it's time to fucking move on.

Exactly. There's no, you know what I mean? it's that or fucking you know john q sackham with a fucking boombox outside his house and hope that wins him over like those are your options at least 100 okay yes uh yeah that's the thing like knowing and being able to put the nail in that coffin great yeah there is always a chance that he did not get your message yeah you know uh or maybe he's just super awkward and panicked and didn't answer and then some podcast was like it's been two days you can't do it that's the thing it's like he might also just be like oh man it's it's waiting to do it in person maybe he's got a big romantic gesture plan for person maybe he's gonna

john cusack you is there a note on your door that you've been avoiding for days? Yeah. Have you been home recently? Because there might be a note on your door. Yeah. Is that the message you sent him? Was it a letter? Is it the same user from before? Maybe. But yeah, just you got to bring it up for your own sake. Cherry Darling

from Reddit wants to know how do I get a really respectful boy to be more rough with me? He is older and the nicest boy I've ever been with. He is so respectful of my boundaries and I won't do anything unless I ask him to. Today I asked him to choke me while he kissed me. Something I really like. He wasn't used to that and did it so softly. I told him harder and he just couldn't hurt me.

I even pushed his hands harder and he couldn't. I don't think anyone's ever asked him to do this before. I really like being choked so hard that I turn red like incredibly hard. I know my limits. During sex, I like to be slapped in the face too. It gets me off. I don't want him to force or I don't want to force him to do anything he isn't comfortable with, but he seems willing, just not used to it or understands it. It's hard to tell a 200 pound weightlifter that he's not rough enough without insulting him it totally is fine to do that if you word it correctly if you make it sound like they're not strong enough

then yes if you're saying you're not being rough enough i think that is you know or like i think again communication is the key for this one also i'm gonna i'm gonna wager that because he's a 200 pound weightlifter exactly why he's not being rough with you because i'm gonna wager to guess that he could probably crush your fucking trachea yeah with his hands and that is why he's not being rough with you. Because I'm going to wager to guess that he could probably crush your fucking trachea with his hands. And that is what he's worried about. Exactly. So communication and fail safes are what you need here. I.e. safe words and or signals.

Like if you go, oh, choke me while we're kissing. He's not just going to be like, yeah, sure. And fucking mangle your neck because that would be a shitty lover and or person and or criminal, I guess. Yeah, or a really good murderer. True. So, like, in the moment like that, without kind of any prior discussion, one, how's he supposed to know you like it until your face turns red? Because in any other circumstance, that is a sign of things going really wrong. Yeah, I mean, like, let me tell you i've i've

choked my fair share of women during sex and consensually consensually of course um i've never taken it to that point yeah and like what i'd be like oh god i've had women who who want me to and like i make it clear that it's like i i do not get off on looking like you're going to die. Yes. So it's like, that does not do it for me sexually. I enjoy, you know, if you're enjoying it, but when it gets to the point of like panic, which is like, that's what your face will do when you get to the point of almost passing out or dying, that doesn't do it for me.

The visual like signals of fear and pain not my thing fair um so like doesn't matter how much you enjoy it i'm not going to do it because it's not my thing yeah um so for him to be sprung on it in this circumstance yeah makes sense why he is not just going to town on your neck yeah what you need to, one, that you do like it in a certain way, to a certain level, and that you know your limits. Secondly, you need to then establish a signal

for if you go too far. Yeah. And you need to find out where his limits are. Exactly. And like, meet in the middle. So I think you need to do those things, firstly,

because I don't think they're, would be comfortable doing something when you can't vocalize. Yeah. Knowing your limits, because they're would be comfortable doing something when you can't vocalize yeah uh knowing your limits because they're not a fucking mind reader especially when you want it so far you very firmly need to get those things in order absolutely and talk to him about your preferences but then a hundred percent you need to talk about his preferences because maybe he is not into that so but it is all about communication. You can't spring something on someone and then expect them to do it to that level. Because that seems pretty intense.

He was on the more intense end of things. On top of that, it's like this guy's been told his entire life never to hit a woman. So to then be like, I have to hit a woman who I like. And also, again, he's bigger than you. I'm assuming if this is, like, you're painting a picture of a guy who's 200 pounds and a weightlifter, like, I'm assuming he's got some power behind him. Yeah. So, like, also, it's pretty hard to really gauge how hard you're hitting someone.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's, like, and it's also scary because, like, in the heat of the moment, those receptors in your brain that tell you like because like i've definitely spanked people harder than i've intended to yeah only because i've been worked up and exactly and they've given me the feedback of like ow and it's like oh shit i'm sorry it's not like you're not machine you don't have like the take it to one put it on two you know like there's kind of margins of error and like when you're slapping an ass it's not

that dramatic but when you're hittingpping an ass it's not that dramatic but when you're hitting someone's face yeah uh it's a lot more dramatic you know yeah um so i can definitely understand where this person's coming from in terms of their drawbacks um and it's possible they might not even have an actual personal problem with this you just need to put structures in place that make everybody comfortable and safe yeah because you mentioned that he respects your boundaries so now you just need to know that like you establish those boundaries yeah you need to yeah exactly establish the boundaries for for you and him and then see if there's like a you know make the venn diagram of of like what what you guys are both okay and what i would suggest if

if you enjoy being smacked in the face and he's unsure about it and if you like being choked and stuff a really good introduction to that and a really safe thing to do is if you if you grab like either the the jawline it will give the like a dominant impression and there's no danger of of being choked there's no danger of of hitting too hard or anything but it's it's like a very firm and very unusual sensation that rarely happens and it's and it's usually an aggressive thing so it does sort of trigger the same thing in your mind um there's also hair pulling like if if he's on top going underneath your head and like from the the base of the skull not the back of the hair but like the base of the skull and like getting a good handful of hair will also like stimulate pain receptors, which will do more or less the same thing.

Um, alternatively things like covering the mouth is also like a, another like dominant sort of, uh, act that is very safe as long as you're also not covering the nose. Yeah. Um, so like those,

those are all very, um, aggressive, but not physical you know or like no they're like no heavy contact they're definitely steps towards what you want and they will help him presumably again if he's comfortable with this shit exactly um so like try figure out your van diagram try work up to it maybe in the way that dane is describing uh if he's not comfortable with it then figure out if you want a relationship where where that depending on how close or far he's going to get to what you want is it worth it or not because you can't force somebody to do something that they're not comfortable with exactly nor should you alternatively you can go

to there are um just hire uh someone who kind of wants to kill but can't commit yeah um now there there's there's fetish shows there's sex shows there's sex clubs that do uh bdsm and like bondage and dominic uh like stuff like that and they will do shows um and maybe the two of you go and he can see that it can be done respectfully and safely. Because if you like a lot of a lot of what you're bringing up is a lot of just sort of like if a dude has been raised a certain way, it's just violence towards women. You know what I mean? Regardless of the fact that like women are allowed to want these things and it's not violence if it's consensual and it's not violence if it's in the means of, of, uh,

getting pleasure. But again, it's like for a lot of guys who are raised, hopefully correctly, you know what I mean? Quote unquote, striking a woman in the face will never come easy. It is, it is not,

it is not something that you can just sort of like flip a switch and be like, hell yeah. Like it's, it's something that we are taught from a very young age that we do we do not do like even in kindergarten if we get hit by a fucking girl and you hit them back the girl's not in trouble you know what i mean the the lecture is for us to be like you never hit a girl it doesn't matter what they do you never hit a girl in self-defense you never hit a girl yeah it's always like that's what we're told and socialized from it and it's you can argue the semantics of of

whether it's right wrong and and all that stuff but at the same time it's a hard thing to move past it's tough to get that out especially in an intimate situation like sex and there's always the fear that you you accidentally go too far right like yeah even if you're not hurting someone like if you hit someone and it is too hard like they could turn around and bring you to jail you know what i mean like there's a lot of like and whether or not that's a realistic portrayal of life it is the fear that like most guys will have because if a girl goes to the cops and it's like yeah he hit me you're fucked yeah you know what i mean like there's anybody you know the personal betrayal or like the personal trauma of being like i've hurt someone that i care about like it's it's just

for me like whenever i've been in situations like that, there is definitely a fear of taking things too far. Yeah. Um, and I think like trust and communication are just paramount, you know, you really, but you can't like spring it on someone like that and expect them to

immediately hit your very well defined limits. Yeah. Um, like even if they're really light, even if they're really heavy, like if they're very light, what's to say they won't go too if they're really heavy like if they're very light what's to say they won't go too too hard if they're very heavy like what's to say they won't go too soft or even harder you know like it's not one of those things you can spring someone on

fairly in the moment and like expect them to get right yeah especially because like communication is hard to do when you've got all your blood in your dick and your mind is on everything else you know what i mean like uh and vice versa like when you're all pumped up and like i'm sure like everyone has sex on their mind they're not thinking about like oh if i do x and y and we do this it'll be safe and this like it's a fucking clusterfuck you really need to like actually sit down and talk about these things yeah um and like make sure he knows which way you like to be choked whether it's like a blood flow thing whether it's like an airflow thing, whether it's a bit of both, like actually nail down that because like an MMA choke is not necessarily a sex show. You know, I don't know anyone wants to be guillotined or rear naked.

So just you got to talk. You got to discuss. I've known a few girls who like it rear naked. Wink. And you just got gotta work it through see where you both lie in terms of uh limits see if they interact intersect if they don't work it out this is by so sad tonight 981 my 33 year old female date 32 year old male said he didn't see a future because i wasn't putting out on the first date and his past girlfriends always did he told me men aren't into me because i make them wait for sex and i should put out asap or at least give them head to keep them interested is this true

uh backstory 33 having had sex in three years not super sexually experienced moved to new york found the dating scene very fast-paced sexually orientated which scared me i've also dated men who turned out to be married and i'm leery of having sex too soon men have insulted me kicked me out of their apartment lied to me and basically just been unpleasant as a result find it hard to open up and trust anyone intimately but i do push myself to go on dates because i do want love we met on tinder guy was attractive intelligent seemed nice liked his profile said he was seeking a teammate for life he said he liked to cuddle so do I, and we planned to do that and watch a movie at his place. Traveled to his borough, which took an hour. Chatted at the bar.

He's a software engineer, very analytical and cerebral. Told me he had trouble overthinking and needed a drink to help that. Seemed embarrassed about his overanalyzing, but I liked how communicative he was. My hand was cold. He put in his pocket on the walk, which I found sweet. Kept interrupting the movie and inputting commentary. Eventually, he asked if we could just cud put in his pocket on the walk which i found sweet kept on interrupting the movie and inputting commentary eventually he asked we could just cuddle in his room i said sure he put the movie on but seemed preoccupied with touching me talking and checking his phone he asked what i want and talked about sex finally he sensed i wasn't gonna

have sex he said what do you expect from me or this relationship i said nothing he ordered pizza called me into the kitchen impatiently when i got there i was trying to get my clothes on since he had a roommate. Came out, sat down, started eating. He seemed preoccupied again. He started doing pull-ups. So he stands up and starts lecturing me, telling me that he doesn't see this becoming a relationship because he likes women who go for what they want sexually.

He said, I seemed inexperienced, but his other girlfriends had sex with him the first night. They had sex casually, then dated, which he didn't want to do what i usually do which is date a bit then have sex um kind of repeats what they said already he told me i'd have better luck with guys if i at least gave them head or had sex right away because they really won't bond with me without it or they'll get frustrated and move on he hinted he didn't want me to stay unless we would do more and he didn't want to watch the movie he also told me he didn't want to have sex with me anymore because he felt like i was a little sister in need of advice and had no interest in seeing me again uh we hung out some more in his bed but i was shocked and i couldn't do more he tried to finger me and it wasn't pleasurable i he told me he had a headache

and i immediately left i'm wondering if his advice has any validity on what people think about this idea, because men are rejecting me because I'm not putting out the first few dates. Sorry. That was a lot. What the hell? That was so much. So I'm just going to just Cole's notes this real quick. She meets a dude.

They go for a drink at a bar. He overanalyzes everything. They go back to his place watch a movie he keeps interrupting the movie which is fuck this guy already um unless it's a really good commentary they go into his room presumably take off their clothes to keep cuddling oh they went in to cuddle and continue to watch the movie so clothes could still be on well she said she put on her clothes because he has a roommate true so clothes come off at some point. Then they order pizza.

Yeah. He's out there getting the pizza. She puts her clothes back on. While he's yelling. Then he starts fucking doing pull-ups. Yeah. While lecturing her that he's, she's his little sister. Then they go back into the room. She doesn't want to have sex with him.

He tries to finger her poorly. And then they leave. Yeah. The fuck? Yeah. None of like everything that everyone is doing on every side of this, this equation makes no fucking sense to me. Yeah.

Um, how about we start with all the red flags when you meet up with this guy and he says he thinks thing he overthinks, but drink helps. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I gotta drink to calm the voices down. Yeah, like, I think about things a lot. And I like drinking. I would never say that sentence because it sounds

like I'm the Joker. Yeah, it sounds like I just got out of Arkham Asylum and... The only way to drown out the voices is in a sea of booze if that's the first thing you say or among the first things you say on a first date like you're putting your best face forward on the first date that means that's the nicest way he could spin that and it's already weird and creepy honestly I I'm gonna wager that I know guys like this And we talked about

One of them briefly Before last episode Not on mic So like I'm not shocked that this man exists Because I I know one Where they think that

Their world view Is the Only world view? The right world view? Where they think that their worldview is the... Only worldview? Not necessarily the worldview. The right. Or that there is nothing wrong with his worldview. And that nothing that could be ever said... It will be like, oh, if you accuse him of misogyny, it will be, well, I don't think I'm misogynistic.

Therefore, I can't be. Okay, cool. Well, that doesn't matter. You know what I mean? If someone says you're a racist and you're saying how much you hate people of color, you don't get to say like, well, I'm not racist. Yeah. Just because you think you're not doesn't mean you're not. Yes. Um, so like, I, I know this man, this man in the question. I know him. I know who he is. I also kind of know the woman. But here's why I get lost.

You clearly don't want to have sex with this guy. You then say that it's very clear that he doesn't want you to stay unless you're going to have sex with him. You then stay and hopefully consensually allow him to attempt to finger you poorly. Yeah. Which doesn't make any sense. If you don't want to have sex with someone and you understand that the only reason he's keeping you around at this point is to have sex with you, leave. Yeah. Get out of there. And this isn't me attempting to shame you.

This is me trying to say. You're right. Like if you. You've made a judgment call. If someone's like, hey, if you're not going to fuck, you should probably leave. you you've made you made a judgment if someone's like hey if you're not gonna fuck uh you should probably leave and you're like no let's go back into your bed you're kind of saying yeah let's fuck yes right you're you're now you've entered into and of course like the door of danger none of this makes what they do okay and none of this is victim blaming at all but at the same time unless you are being kept from leaving like the smart move here would be to go because one it sounds like the date's already been

shit but yeah i don't know why you would want to give this guy any more of your time yeah like that's that's my question it's like after everything that's happened up to the point where it may he where he starts to make it clear that if you're not gonna fuck him he doesn't want to spend any time with you. Also, he called you his little sister and then fingered you. So like, that's also a fucking weird move. Also, like, well, the thing is the red flags, we didn't even get any further. There's, well, secondly, it's like if someone's like, hey, first date, let's go to mine and cuddle.

They want to fuck. Here's the thing. No one wants to cuddle. No one wants to cuddle. I mean, they want to fuck. Cuddling's great. Cuddling is great. Some people one wants to cuddle no one wants to cuddle I mean they want to fuck. Cuddling is great. Some people might want to cuddle but on a first date if anyone's if anyone suggests going back to their place to cuddle that that is code for I'm not even hidden code yeah that is like I want like they want to fuck

yeah even if they're like hey come over to mine and watch a movie if they want you in their place on their first date 99 of the time they want to fuck yes there's no other real reason to mean that like and i know this might sound like callous or shitty or whatever but like if someone wants you over like it's netflix and chill it's a term like everybody knows yeah pretty much what that means and again doesn't mean you shouldn't you have to but you should have a fair idea yeah you should go in and you can be like hey that's cool i don't want to fuck or not and then get there and decide you don't want to fuck that's the thing at the same time like if someone's like hey first date come to mine and cuddle i will bet you a lot of money they want to fuck yes um and like by you saying yes they are inferring that you also want to, which again doesn't

excuse anything. But at the same time, you should be aware that that is kind of how people are taking that. There's a language to dating that if you don't understand the nuance and it's often not a subtle nuance, it is often a, you know what I mean? Like it's common to blanket terms. Yeah. Like no one's like, hey, let's come over and fuck. you know what I mean like we it's common to blanket terms yeah like

no one's like hey let's come over and fuck this is the thing it's like if I've gone on a date with you and I invite you back to my place that is me asking

or at least opening the door to the possibility of sex yeah it's not saying we're gonna have sex but that's step one I'm not bringing you over

to like you know do a puzzle or watch a movie I don't give a fuck about the movie I really don't give a fuck about the movie. I really don't. And if you are watching a movie and then it's like, oh, let's go watch it in my room instead.

That's step two in the sex. And then if it's like, oh, let's take our clothes off. Like, all these things. And again, in no way am I victim blaming, I hope. Or at least I'm not over it. I don't know. But like, I don't think it's wrong to say that these are pretty standard. Like, this is the natural progression of how dates move to sex. Yeah.

Like the subtext is there. And like, if you really don't want to have sex, then don't go to the room. You know what I mean? Yeah. Be like, oh, you know, like, I'm good here. Or like, you know what I mean? Like, there are ways to do this. And like, if you go and you talk and like, they're being a dick and they're like, unless

you want to stay and have sex, then leave. Unless there's something like, unless they're like, you feel like you'd be in danger if you did. You know what I mean? Right? Yeah. Like, obviously there are a lot of caveats and shit out there. But like, in general, it's like, by doing these things, you did you know what i mean right yeah like obviously there are a lot of caveats and shit out there but like in general it's like by doing these things you're kind of

giving the wrong impression anyway back to the guy who's a piece of shit um yeah like i love key lines like firstly why is he doing pull-ups that i mean that's that's another that's the part that brings me into an asshole to a psychopath i think the fact that you've started to work out after you've ordered a pizza like are you are you justifying the carbs are you like i think it's just nothing no i think it's an idiot thing where he's like they kind of had rocky sexual relations at this point clearly he's pissy because he's in the kitchen yelling like get out here the pizza's here he's upset that she hasn't fucked him and now he's like oh she sees how sick i am of pull-ups this will be sure like uh she's definitely gonna want to fuck me so he's literally doing push pull-ups so that

she'll be like oh yeah shit never mind let's do the sex 100 i will bet you money that's why he did it he's like look i'm strong look i got arms work. I just think of fucking, what's his name, from American Psycho, and he's just like, he's just gearing up for murder. Maybe. Like, everything is wrong with this whole thing. To answer the overarching question, because I feel like we're getting lost in all the baffling details. Yeah.

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having sex, ever. Yeah. Let alone on the first date date and you should never be required to have sex with or give anybody head um also the guys like i actually like women who go for what they want sexually what she wants sexually is to not yes and she's going after her thank you very much sir yeah what you want is girls that go after what you want section exactly uh you fucking dumbass um like i really i hope that we didn't get so misled in the talking about subtext that it made it seem like she was in the wrong more than him or even like and she was slightly in the wrong like there were there were some some maybe bad

decisions were made yeah nothing disastrous no it's, you know, we all knew from the moment any of this question happened, we knew he wanted to fuck. Yeah. And if she did, that's fine. You know what I mean? But, you know. And I want to stress, because we've talked about it before, where it's like, there is no harm.

It's like, yes, if someone invites you back to your place, just assume that the intention is sex. Because it probably is. But there's no harm in going back. Like, if you want to spend more time with your date, there's no harm in going back there. And then when, you know what I mean? Because maybe you just want to make out.

Maybe you're cool with that. Maybe you want to get fingered back. Yeah, that's the thing. Maybe you do want to be fingered or receive oral sex. You just don't want to have sex. Exactly. That's fine. You're allowed to do all these things.

Maybe you just want to sit on the couch and hold hands yeah and if someone tries to kiss you you can say at that point oh sorry i i don't think i want to do that and then you can gauge your react you know what i mean you can and if they're cool fine and if they're not whatever you you learn something about that you you can then choose to be like okay well like i i'm sorry i don't want to mislead you i'm gonna head out you can also go back intending to fuck and start on the couch watching the movie and then go into their room and start taking clothes off intending to fuck and still not fuck like i can't repeat that enough at any point you can decide not to yeah and there is no like because these are like as we're saying it's like these

are all like conversations leading towards it's not like shit i've said yes to the first three exactly now i have to like there's no point ever in life that you have to um you know barring horrendous alternatives you know you know what i mean like just so just get that out of the way um this guy's a piece of shit and the worst and his advice is bullshit like there's no timeline and there's never any point where you should go against your own desires sexually. Yeah. And fuck this guy. But, I mean, don't fuck this guy. If you find a decent dude and the right person, they will be more than happy to wait for you to be comfortable in order to have sex.

Because no one wants... Decent dudes or decent people don't want to have sex with someone... Who doesn't want to have sex because no one wants decent dudes or decent people don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them yes like coercion is not consent coercion is not sexy coercion is not fun so anyone who's got a decent fucking head on them and who is a decent human being is going to be happy to wait yeah and if and here's the thing if they're not looking to wait if they just want to have sexual relationships then that doesn't necessarily make them a bad person it just means it's how they go about it yeah yeah if they if they're saying well okay sorry like i i don't really want to commit

to however long it takes you to be ready to have sex because i'm not looking for that kind of commitment that's fine that's that's a completely valid reason if you guys both have this conversation and you lay it out and it's like okay you want one thing i want another thing that's cool then fine because there tends to be like the the you know sort of the the societal narrative that like oh men only want sex and they're assholes because it's like well no if you only want sex and you communicate that clearly and respectfully. And you're not trying to wheedle, belittle, you know, bully, fucking pull up your way into it. Fine. Like once you're being cool about it,

but if in this case, like fuck, there's so many, there's just so much bullshit. I do like the idea that he was like, well, I'm not getting laid. Maybe a pizza will convince her. Like if I had a woman over to my place and I wasn't happy with the way the date is going,

the last thing I would do would be order a fucking pizza. Well, that's the thing. If anything's going to kick it into sex gear, pizza's not going to do it. Yeah. Hey, you want to eat a shit ton of dough and cheese? I'll get real greasy. Mmm.

Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Well, maybe he just needed an excuse to lure her into the kitchen where his bullet bars were. Uh, that's true. He probably, yeah, he needed a catalyst. Yeah. I mean, he could have just been like, hey, you want to go cuddle in the kitchen?

Maybe. Um. Yeah, this question got messy, but I think the original question stands, um, or the original, the answer to the original question is easy knock that one out of the park uh don't be like this guy no

and don't even consider it when people say this shit to you which that breaks my heart the most that this girl is like is he right yeah no

that's why we have this podcast it's hopefully so that it is instinctually like ingrained in people when they can realize that what people are telling them is fucking stupidity. Yeah. Um, so yeah, hopefully we didn't get too lost in the middle of that question. Um, but that will do it for the night or the day.

Whenever you're listening to this, I'm not a fucking mind reader. Thank you very much for joining us. This, uh, find time period in which you're enjoying it. Say find time? Find time. It's always a pleasure. And thank you very much. And we hit a bunch of milestones the other day.

We almost hit top 100 on the US iTunes charts, which is really, really, really cool. We've had a bunch of new listeners. I don't know where you've come from. Potentially, we did. Oh, I guess we should mention it. We did partner with a website called tickle life, uh, which is tickle dot life. Um, and it's less creepy than it sounds. Yeah. It's not as ominous as it may sound. Um, they're actually really, really cool website and community that focuses on sex, uh, health and sex well-being and uh sexuality and like all these things that sort of like embody why we started this um they have other podcasts they have other articles they um they talk about a lot of thing about like how to make consent sexy was one of the last

articles i saw them post which was a really cool conversation they actually share some really cool shit yeah their stuff isn't just i find that that with a lot of mainstream media like Huffington Post, which we were also featured in, they have sort of like a set sort of narrative that they're addressing. And it's always... I've never seen anything there that I don't agree with, especially in regards to sex. But I find Tickle Life has mentioned things that people don't really talk about.

Yeah. I almost feel like sometimes certain media sources try and keep it PG to a certain degree. Yes. Whereas Tickle Life don't give a shit. Yeah. No, they're an independent media and they're doing some really good work. So if you like what we talk about and want to find more content, feel free to check them out. It's Tickle.Life. or check us out on there yeah so

there's another podcast called sex from a to z um and they do a bunch of like they do focused episodes based on like a letter of the alphabet and they'll focus on that and they'll do like an in-depth look on that subject um so there's there's a bunch of cool content out there is what i'm trying to say that you can if you enjoy our stuff um there's more out there to be enjoyed on tickle.life oh yeah i'd like to do a little shout out to glorious floria because they gave us a little shout out on twitter during the week so yes they did thank you appreciate that and yeah i guess uh plenty of beef.ca if you want to visit the website and send us in some questions yeah um you have a we have a bunch of. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast.

You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. Give us a follow. We're actually using Twitter. Trying to. Mostly Nile is. So if you want to tweet at us about anything, a question or a comment. Or just want to retweet or like the bullshit I post. Yeah. Go for it. You can also find us,

you can hit us up on Gmail at fbuddiespodcasts.gmail.com or like Niall said, you can head on over to either fbuddiespodcasts.com or plentyofbeef.ca and there's a little contact form. You can fill it all out.

You can give yourself an agent name and we'll answer your questions as soon as we can. Yeah. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities, for the song Paper Stars. And yeah, I guess it's time again. It's sex writing time. It is.

Do I even have any? This is Tread Softly by Wendy Perryham. Uh-uh. She closed her eyes, saw his dark as treacle toffee eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly, he was clad in pinstripes at the same time as being naked. Pinstripes were erotic, the uniform of feathers. Oh, sorry. Pinstripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers.

Even Mr. Hugh's penis had a seductive pinstriped foreskin. What? Hey, fuck if i know look man if you're hooking up with someone and they're who's got striped it's sort of any pattern if you're if your dick has a pattern a distinguishable pattern get out of there whether it's polka dots absolutely front if it's striped get the hell out of there. Like any sort of leopard print, get the fuck out. What if it's a tattoo? I also would imagine, like, no offense, I'm sure there's someone out there with a tattooed dick who's cool.

Okay, no, here's the thing. I'm going to guess, if you have a tattooed dick, maybe it's wrong with me. It seems a bit weird. I don't know. No, you know what? Is that a red flag? Is that wrong with me? If you want a tattooed dick...

It just hurts so much to think about. I know. I mean, yeah. But here's the thing. If someone out there has a tattooed dick... Is your pain to endure? red flag is that wrong with me if you want to just hurt so much to think about i know i mean yeah does it but here if someone out there is your pain to enter if someone is a tattooed dick and wants to talk to me about it go for it see here's the thing i would make the caveat that like the only way i would allow a pattern dick is if it was tattooed oh 100 i was gonna say that but then i thought that it itself might be a red flag. But that's probably just me being close-minded about tattoos. I don't know.

I have nothing wrong against them. It's just my dick hurts thinking about it. I wouldn't do it. I'll tell you that. That's exactly what someone who has already done it would say. You can't hear it right now, but my penis is making pinstripe sounds. Whatever that sounds like. We all know.

Do you have a Dan? Are we leaving Dan? Are we just going to wait for him to return? He ain't coming back. We'll give Dan a rest. I didn't copy the username on this one, so I'm sorry, whoever came up with this. I'm sure they're going to be crushed. This treat.

They said, please, Susan, you have to come home. Your mother's dead is ruining us. Oh, no. My name is Dan home. Your mother's dead is ruining us. Oh, no. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we have been your fuck buddies. We have been your fuck buddies.