F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 77 - Flatulent Cat

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

The world is a bit wild right now, y'all.  Whether you're self-isolating, social distancing or just need something to take your mind off of the craziness, we hope this week's episode provides a little bit of relief and normalcy in otherwise chaotic times.  Topics include blasting your baby with sweet vagina tunes, boner shyness, period sex etiquette and concerns, orgasm sensitivity, made up boyfriends, and a noisy vagina.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we've been locked in this closet for ten days. It's a quarantine, baby.

Help. And we're your fuck buddies. And no, we are not currently quarantined. Technically, currently, we are quarantined. Well, we are locked in this germ-proof closet. Yeah. Because I'm sure no mad beer-named diseases will multiply in this small sweaty space. You know, I never... why is it called Corona virus?

Was it just someone who was just like, Hey, let's fuck up this one brand specifically. Like imagine if it was just like Nike virus. Yeah. Well, the thing is like, at least Nike virus, like might make sense. Cause Nike's like Greek for victory. So maybe it's like victory virus. Like it, it won over the other viruses or it like wins over your immune system or something. I don't know Corona like Corona is like the

sunburst effect right? So maybe that's what the actual like like molecule thing looks like I'm assuming it's something like that. Maybe that's a good point or just like this one dude hates the Fast and the Furious movies. Oh my god it's Need for Speed. They're the ones who found it or he's like I need to invest in a beer and I need to tank some stock prices yeah and he's just like corona

sorry man you're just the one that's gotta go sorry you've become this could have been fucking the coors light virus oh man if he had just chosen something different that should have been well should have been that's the height of my comedy today well you know what it's uh it's actually kind of fucked so today well, well, firstly, news today. It's officially a pandemic. Oh, cool. Yeah. Isn't that scary?

Italy is completely closed off. 200 people died in the last 24 hours there. Making the, yeah, it's fucked. Maybe don't put that part in. That's just fear mongering. Let's not do that. Weinstein got charged with 20, or got sentenced to 23 years in prison. That's pretty good. Bye. I would have liked him to get the full 25 i don't know why they didn't just

can't count um i assume he's old enough that he ain't getting out i mean yeah his lawyer was like this is a joke it's been like this is this is a sentence for like um like demonstration good and everyone's just like yeah yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Why not? Shit head deserves it. Sorry. That's the thing.

It's like, Hey, maybe don't do those things. Yes. Also, I don't know. Like you look at the, like the way that the criminal structure,

it works. It like, we'll stay right off the bat that the criminal justice system, both in America and Mo probably most places is fucking terrible. But like, if when making laws, you were like, Oh, Hey, you could get five to 25 years for committing this when making laws you were like oh hey you could get

five to 25 years for committing this crime if you are then sentenced for a number in between those times it's like that's that's how sentencing works yeah the judge decides how bad if you have anus the crimes are i won't say lifetime example of like a lifetime pattern but majority of your lifetime pattern of just being a complete predatory shithead then like yeah you deserve at least that yeah they should probably have doubled it just because that seems to be your entire thing well i mean then you get into being prosecuted for crimes you haven't been like tried for i'm just saying he's a shithead and he deserves it oh yes I'm yes I agree

stop defending him Dan why are you on his side well so when he got convicted everyone was like this is garbage he's not gonna get anything

he's gonna slap on the wrist and all those people have been crickets today and I'm just like why are you so against like celebrating this

yeah you know what I mean like why like just the fact that he was convicted. I can't remember if we had this conversation. Yeah, I think we did. We mentioned that.

Actually, no, we tweeted about it, I think. Yeah. Where we said that like, you know, cause he got away with a bunch of shit and like the charges were kind of like

brought down. And I think that the moral that we kind of came with was like any conviction as a victory and like, well, it definitely could have been worse. It's still really good. And it's, it's a a it's the start of better five years ago he wouldn't have made it like it wouldn't even gone to trial it would have been either five years ago right so exactly so it's like the fact that he was convicted someone you know a white dude who

very wealthy very wealthy very powerful very famous like had all sort of the clout behind him, usually would allow someone to walk right through this kind of stuff. Yeah. You know, not only got arrested, not only got tried, but also got convicted. And sentenced. That's a huge fucking win. I mean, it's like, yes, do we have a lot to go?

Absolutely. But are there problems with the conviction? Of course. Yeah, but you start somewhere, right? He should have been charged for everything. Um, but yeah, exactly. It's like, and with his age, presumably 23 years is the same as 40 years. So, well, yeah, I mean like everyone's kind of said like, this is more or less a life sentence. Yeah.

Considering his, his like degrading health and how old he is, he's, he's probably going to die in prison. Yeah. I'm also not entirely sure. And you're like, cool. That's, that's kind of how, if this is what your life has been, that's kind of how it should end. Yeah. Okay.

Are you ready for a question? Yeah. Can babies perceive sounds like we do? I don't even want to know the rest of the details. Because I also have the answer. This is solely possible via the vagina. The vagina is a closed space, so sound is not dispersed into the environment.

Is this a question? What's happening? You'll see. In addition, there are less soft tissue layers separating the baby from the sound target, only by vaginal and uterine walls. So is he asking me if he likes fetuses? This is not your typical question. This is on an FAQ on the website. So I'm asking you the question, now I'm answering it.

You just gotta wait. What website? By placing a speaker inside the vagina, we overcome the barrier formed by the abdominal wall, and the baby can hear sounds with almost as much intensity and clarity as when emitted. I'm introducing you to the BabyPod.

It is an intervaginal speaker that you can play music to your baby. You shove it right up there. Is this from Goop? No, maybe. It just says, BabyPod, music is life. I mean...

I don't think it is Goop. But I mean, like, haven't people been playing music to their babies on the outside? Didn't you listen? The abdominal wall disperses the sound into the environment, and they don't hear it like we do. We have to hear it through a vagina like they do. So all those times people have been whispering to their baby through the tummy, they should have been whispering into the vagina. Well, that's what I'm getting from this is that we could just not buy the speaker, and I could just spread her wide and sing a sonata.

Yeah. So this is an actual thing. this is a item you can buy it is like a dildo mixed with a headphone i would love to know shove it right up there what the sales stats are for this because here's the thing when did we get so and i'm not going to try to kink shame anyone but like when did we just start letting the internet tell us what's cool to put in our bodies? Yeah. Because, I mean, like, I feel like that was most of my adolescence when the Internet was sort of, like, really coming into, you know what I mean? Like, my youth and adolescence, they were like, hey, don't listen to the Internet.

And now we've just sort of decided that that's not important information anymore. And now that there's an FAQ on some site, start putting this up your body. Right. Put this, yeah, electrically charged. Also, like, it is electrical. I just imagine people that feel, like, there's holes in it, too, because it's a speaker. Porous, yeah. One porous.

How the fuck are you going to clean that? Like, ever. Hose it off, baby. But it's a speaker. Porous, yeah. One porous. How the fuck are you going to clean that? Like, ever. Hose it off, baby. But it's also electric. It's probably going to shock you. Yeah, you can waterproof speakers. I doubt it. I mean, I have a shower speaker.

But, like, really, though. And if there's no better equivalent than a shower and a vagina, I don't know what it is. No, but, like, still, it's one of those things where I just feel like, I don't know, it's wild. Do you want to read the review? Sure. Not only is it wonderful to see your baby in each ultrasound scan, but seeing something

so tiny reacting to musical stimuli is amazing. When it was proposed, we didn't think twice. Really? Just put it in. Okay. We want to enjoy this innovative- That's exactly my point. Magical experience.

Remember when I was like, oh, hey, no one cares. The baby reacted perfectly, shaking his head and sticking out his tongue again and again. He made gestures with his mouth that left us speechless, but certainly the best thing was a wonderful smile. I cannot describe what we felt. Wait, how do they see this? Thanks for helping us feel and get to know our baby better, even when still unborn. Because let me tell you, I've seen ultrasounds. Yeah, that's the thing.

Ultrasounds, you can barely- People are like, oh, that's the thing. Ultrasounds, you can barely... People are like, oh, that's their face. It's like, no, it's not. The doctor has to be like, look, that's it, it's whatever. Yeah. They don't go, oh, look, it's sticking up devil horns. If fucking love, slipknot. Oh my, wait, it's mouthing something.

You can, it says, turn it, turn it up. Turn it up. It says, buy the limited edition gold color. Weird. I guess it can see color through the vagina, too. Yeah. Anyway, I thought I'd enlighten your life with that. Hit me with a question.

I've never been more upset that I don't have a vagina or a baby inside of me. A whole universe of sounds for your baby. Can babies hear before birth? After 16 weeks? What do babies hear from inside the belly? Not much. Yeah, you idiot. You fucking... do babies hear from inside the belly not much yeah you idiot you fucking do babies here pretty much child abuse if you're not blasting sound through your vagina it literally says what do babies hear not much how do babies hear outside sounds extremely muffled sounds why

because the belly's in the way multiple layers like italicized, of soft tissue. Soft tissue. Ooh, soft tissue. Soft tissue. They attenuate the intensity of sound, distort it in its journey to the uterus. Similar to what happens when you hear a

conversation in a next-door room. I'm not catching everything that's said. So, okay. The baby will hear. Cut out the middleman, and by the middleman, I

literally mean the woman carrying the baby. Just slice that right open. Put a speaker in the belly. Well, yeah. It's wild. I don't know where to go from there.

This comes from Reddit user. My name is not Tokyo. What are some reasons? That's exactly what someone called Tokyo would say. What are some reasons why a guy would get uneasy when I touch him? I notice whenever I touch him, like over clothes, he gets really nervous, like leg tapping. Almost like he's thinking of something else. We were also in public when this happened.

I asked him if I should stop, but he said no. It was fine. Which was kind of weird, and he didn't really touch me back. However, when we cuddle, I can feel his heartbeat faster. But he stays pretty far away from me, and he doesn't scooch closer. He also asked if i wanted to be the big spoon i don't know is he repulsed by me or something don't know how to make sense of it this is so ominous and i love it so tense uh how do you feel his heartbeat if he's not close to you

that's crazy i mean maybe it's just fucking i think you're a superhero and he's worried that you'll touch him too hard and crush him like he's seen your superpower like he's seen you lift up a van and throw it off the side of a bridge because there's a bomb in that case why would he want her to be big spoon that's just that's gonna be crushed yeah here's my theory he's not a man he's some sort of alien in a man's body and so the more you touch him the more likely it is you're gonna feel one of his like his squirms yeah his rigid sort of like under under skin bones squirm under skin bones that's weird dan i mean no one has them but you know what i mean like one of his bones under skin his ridges like trying to hear outside of stomach but not through

the vagina your damn mouth um you know what i mean like his his like inner chitin would be like you know bubbling around in there maybe he's got like some sort of why would chitin bubble it's very solid i don't know man this is these are all the things he's worried about you're bad at aliens i bet it's your subway sandwich sandwich artist. Ah, maybe. Yeah. That was a woman, though. Doesn't mean it's not in a new skin, though. Yeah, exactly.

They had to bail after you found them in Subway and we broadcast it, and now they're gone undercover as, I guess, this person's semi-boyfriend? Also, like, why would they cuddle you if they're repulsed by you? That doesn't make any sense. Well...

Like, what situation do you get into where they're like oh i fucking hate this person and they disgust me but hey i guess one i'll get in bed and cuddle up to them and two i'll be like hey how about you hold me close from behind yeah so okay guess have you heard of this thing called nerves no oh okay yes well he's probably nervous the the public thing maybe he's fighting hard to not get a bony. Yeah. Maybe he's trying not to get that swollen hog because I don't know what age.

What age are these people? I don't think it says. Great. I'm sure you're young. It doesn't say. I'm sure you're young. And nerves are a thing. We all feel them.

We've all been there. And yeah, I get it. It's fine. He could be nervous. you're in public he probably doesn't want to touch you back because maybe that's like maybe pda isn't exactly their thing so like they're willing to kind of like let you do it but they're not comfortable with but they're definitely not just going to start like getting your bazonga hongas or whatever bongola bongola hunger bongola hungers um that's just gonna like go ham on your titties you know so i would imagine that and like

i need to know how close you guys are like maybe he thinks it could be a boner thing i think you're absolutely right because if you can feel the heartbeat yeah then i'm assuming then the chest is making contact he's backed off and that's he doesn't want to shove that you know press that hard dick up against your butt because there's no hiding that so they don't know where they lie on the scale of friend to sex object uh and i get it because there are times when like people are like oh that's all cuddled up and like you're either a kid or you're not in a relationship or anything and it's just like a friend or someone you know i'm they're all pressed up against you and you get a boner they're in a romantic situation yeah well maybe he's just new to it or young you know. And they're all pressed up against you and you get a boner. They're in a romantic situation.

Yeah, well, maybe he's just new to it or young. Well, here's the thing. I'm thinking maybe he's just got a giant dick. You know what I mean? And like maybe if he gets an erection, it's very noticeable. You know what I mean? Because it's like if he's out in public and, again, if you're young or even, you know, some like...

Maybe he just only wears sweatpants. If I'm like feeling the vibe, it does not take me much to get an erection. You know what I mean? Like a stiff breeze will get me going. So it's like the last thing you want to do is to get a fucking. Especially if it's like a new relationship or like something, you know, like it's always. You've got like a fucking half thigh fucking dick. You know what I mean?

Let's be fair. One, boners are pretty hard to conceal anyway. It takes a lot of time and skill. I'm just trying to give this guy something to work with. But yes, even a modest boner would be enough to make you sort of like... And like you said, again, I'm gonna wager these are teenagers. You know what i mean and he's probably just like there's there's this weird gap where like erections are gross yeah you know what i mean

seen by women where it's like no one wants to admit that you get them and like getting them is mortifying they don't exist yeah it's like the worst thing would be for someone to like sit in your lap and like you to get an erection or like cuddle up or like for you to stop kissing someone and turn around and be like oh he's got a boner it's like it's it's kind of like nightmare fuel for like a young boy yeah i get it and like so i'm sure he's just like really worried that if he shows that he has an erection it might he might think that like oh maybe you want to be pressured into sex yeah i mean like there's any number of reasons why someone literally gotten a question in being like my boyfriend gets boners when we kiss does he only want to fuck you know what i

mean like this isn't wild uh i'm assuming it is a boner related nervousness it is also nervousness yeah which goes to answer the question he is not repulsed by you if he was repulsed by you why would you cuddle oh yeah i mean mean, I think it's Boner. I think he's hiding the Boner. It's got to be the Boner. He's trying to negate Boner to skin contact. I'm going to pop right into our user submitted question. Let's do it.

Because, oh, I'll forget about it. Okay. So this is a new user, or like a new question. A first time question. This is going to be agent streep streep like meryl streep yes okay thank you for explaining uh and they say i'm gonna make sure i understood had an experience recently with a dude friend of a friend we all went out drinking all wasted by the end of the night and we went home together as we started things off it only

then occurred to me i was on my period i was like like, OMG, I'm so sorry, have my period. Do you still want to do it or would you rather not? I don't mind. He said it was okay and we put a towel down. Pro move. So we tried to get things started, but he couldn't get it up. So I guess my question is, do you think he had whiskey dick or do you think he was super grossed out by period sex?

What does the average dude think about it? We fell asleep for a bit and he woke me up later and said he was ready to try again and he got it up and we did it. But the second we finished, he bolted from the room and jumped in the shower. It was unceremonious and strange. I remember laying there feeling like he must be disgusted. I want to add, when I'm in a long-term relationship, I usually choose to wait. Because I do think period sex is less appealing slash enjoyable.

But that doesn't mean I think it's gross. There's a difference. Yeah. Um. I would love to know whether protection was used or not because i get it like having my dick covered i do more or less a stranger's blood i want to get rid of that more or less asap well well okay there's i guess there's a few different things you want to start with the shower i so, like, I don't mind period sex. Yeah, I'm not, it's not my favorite, but I'll do it.

I will say, like, I have, like, either absolutely no negative feelings about it, or even, like, almost a tiny positive one, because, like, the people I've had period sex with usually are, like, extra sensitive, and therefore just, just like they have the best fucking time that like I'm of course gonna get secondhand enjoyment out of that so it's like having someone just come so hard or be just so like fucking into it I like it you know what I mean but I don't you know it's not like I'm like hell yeah blood you know um yeah but even then if we're talking shower the second I'm done i do pretty much run to the shower

you know what i mean like i get rid of that condom i go and i wash my hands and all that shit and it's not necessarily disgust or anything although again it's not like oh yay blood everywhere yeah uh it's kind of like twofold one is that yeah you put the towel down but like ideally you don't get blood on the towel. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like that should be like a last resort. And like if it gets there, that's fine, but you still don't want it everywhere. But secondly, it's like if you're using your hands, then your hands have blood on them.

If you're using your dick, which you are in this scenario, you know, you can move over and then you're getting it like kind of like everywhere. It's one of those things where it's like if you cuddle, like you don't know if they want blood on them you know what i mean that's the thing it's just it's a mess yeah well so that's the thing it's like you get it everywhere so despite the fact that i'm not in any way disgusted the second i'm done just so i can like because also once you like lie there and you cuddle up it's like i don't want to get up immediately depending uh so i just want to go get rid of it make sure i don't get blood everywhere right yeah uh but the second part of this is that i've been with people who like and again i don't really care it's not a big deal to me like blood i'm not completely disgusted by it uh i've been with girls who while

being okay with having period sex get super awkward about like seeing kind of like the results of it after yeah so like it's and i i think part of it is that they feel like i'm going to be grossed out i don't know if they're necessarily grossed out because they deal with it all the time but it's like a self-conscious thing where like i don't want to see somebody get in their own head about it afterwards so it's like if i'm up and i'm out and it's gone it's like they don't have to worry about it i don't have to worry about it we're not making a bigger mess and we can just get back to like cuddling or being close or whatever.

So I don't really think him, him running away and getting rid of it was a bad thing at all. Yeah. I mean, like I, I, I like cleaning up even after normal sex. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I like going in the bathroom and just getting a little splash going. Cause it's like fluids are fluids are fluids, whether it's, you know, my fluids are her fluids. You're cum all over your bed anyway.

Exactly. It's like I, like pretty much immediately after sex is I'm getting a glass of water and I'm cleaning up. Like those are like, those are my things that I do. And it's not, it's not because I want to get away from anyone or because I feel gross. It's just, you know, we all have our rituals and we all have our, we all have our things that we need to do to sort of like reset afterwards yeah um and i think especially with someone new and i don't yeah with like the second you introduce period sex there's a whole new layer of of matter that's what i'd love to know if you were at their place or your place yeah because if it's your place he probably doesn't

want to get anything on your stuff but if it's his he also probably doesn't you know what i mean like i there's a whole like just you you want to be clean and like here's the other thing like i again i have no problem with period sex it's again i don't seek it out but if it happens it happens whatever yeah but there is a a very visceral experience to see your dick covered in blood. Or even like, even just the person you just had sex with covered in blood. Yeah. It's alarming. And like, no matter how comfortable you are or whatever, it's like, you know, someone

covered in blood is someone covered in blood. And you don't necessarily have to be disgusted by it but it's still in your mind you're never like this is okay yeah you know what i mean it's like when you're fucking you're not you're not staring exactly at it but once it's done it's done when you see serotonin and everything and like all your dopamine and everything wears off and you sort of like come back to reality and you're like oh it looks like i've done serious damage to yourself or to myself or to both of us and i would like to sort of you know yeah wipe this away and be like oh no we're okay we're not in any danger yeah like for me it's like if i if i have like normal sex and like i

will you know take the condom off and if i'm just exhausted or really feeling the cuddles or whatever sometimes i'll just put on the ground for a minute and then i'll clean it up in like 10 minutes as a person who has two very curious cats yeah yeah you can't do that i have cats are carpet so i'm good um and you know like that's the thing it's like whatever it can be a few minutes because like if i have like a bit of calm on my stomach or like on their back or whatever we hop in the shower it's gone pretty pretty quickly oh man i'm a fastidious cleaner that's that's cool if i come all over them yeah i i've got a i've got a tissue just wiped it right by all means go for it yeah well i'm just saying like cleaning will happen it's just like it doesn't have to

be as immediate whereas like blood is hard to get out of things you know and like it's also so much more visible so i'm just saying like in this case like I wouldn't feel too upset about the dash to the shower. In fact, I wouldn't feel upset at all. No. I also think if they're waking you up

to do it like shortly after it's probably just whiskey dick. Oh, yeah. Like the first time around it's probably nerves and whiskey dick

and whatever. He probably had a glass of water and like centered himself. Yeah. If he didn't like period sex he wouldn't lie about it also here's the thing exactly no one would be like no one would be like i'm disgusted by period sex to the point where my dick won't work but let's still do it you're like

yes let me grab a towel let me let's get it you know what i mean he went through all the motions to have period sex i don't see why he would no it's it's 100 you guys are drunk or he you know he had too much to drink and maybe it was in his head because it was the first time and he was nervous like yeah there's any number of reasons especially because like sometimes when you're not the next thing that happened was you then had period sex exactly yeah there's no way he was he was on into it and then was like you know what i've changed my mind i've thought about it and i've changed my mind um and also like sometimes i think when you're like a little drunk and you're like in that whiskey dick like area it's like if you're just like going with the flow and you're not stopping and thinking about it or you're not really you know you could be fine

but then if you're like hey let's have a conversation about what we're gonna do stand up get some towels like by that, maybe he's like, damn it. Yeah. No. I'm like, again, nothing to do with you. It's just like your dick can be a dick. So, yeah, I would not worry about that. As to what the average guy thinks about that, can't answer that.

Yeah. I think it's just like a person to person basis. Person to person basis. I think some people are 100 a person to person basis. I think some people are a hundred percent not okay with it. Um, and, and sometimes that comes from being with people who weren't okay with it. You know what I mean?

I would wager that I would, yeah, I would say that's probably most of it is people who have been like conditioned that like if period is sex or periods are happening, then no sex are happening. Yeah. You know what I mean? That was great.

I, I got there. No sex are happening yeah you know what i mean that was great i i got there no sex are happening um but yeah 100 i think like a lot of it is that and it's like if you don't learn to be comfortable around it from like people who are comfortable around it then you kind of like ingrain that and some people just don't like blood and that's fine yeah a lot of our it's funny that like i don't think people specifically women realize how much men's behavior and views on sex are actually influenced influenced by women yeah you know what i mean like like we learn a lot we take a lot of our cues from women so a lot of like our behaviors and a lot of our learned uh you know social grooming comes from women um and and that's the good and the bad and like so a lot of the

times i think it's it's really funny when women discount themselves from the equation of why why men do certain things and like you said it's like i think a lot of the guys who are grossed out by period sex or averse to period sex, I think are because majority of their sexual partners were people who didn't want to have periods. So they learn that. You know what I mean?

It's an equation of period equals no sex, period equals not wanting to have sex. So I don't want to have sex yeah also like i know some guys who've never had it don't know what a period looks like anything like that who've been with girls who are like oh no it's gross like it's a mess down there and like they don't know so in their minds you have no idea what's going on you know um but yeah like people each have their own individual things i honestly I haven't really talked to any guy who's been like, oh God, no.

No. But I'm sure. Oh yeah. They're out there. Yeah. But like in general, I think it's like, if you make sure, like you're upfront about what you are okay with, you know? And so people are like, oh, I'll do it.

But only when it's on like one of my lighter days or I'll do it. But only when it's on, like, one of my lighter days. Or I'll do it, but, like, only in the shower. Yeah, at the beginning, or, like, yeah, exactly. But you can't shower sex. Don't do shower sex. Come on, fuck off. You know, yeah,

beginning, end, whatever. Or even just, like, yeah, rub my clit, because it's not messy, and don't do penetrative stuff, whatever. Sure. I will say I won't go down

on someone around the period, but I also haven't had anyone ever want that, so that's good. But hey, if you want to, go for it yeah i mean like you i i would say you guys have done everything correct yeah you you know what i mean like you had the conversation you warned him beforehand you're like hey i i'm an idiot i forgot here here's the situation or it started when you're out or whatever you know um you know what I mean? It's like you disclosed the situation. Yeah.

Which is great. He was aware of it. Yeah. He agreed to it, got towels as preventative measures. You guys didn't do it and then did it. And then he ran off to shower,

which again, I think totally reasonable. Yeah. I almost expected like, you know, and it's not even a thing of being disgusted. Just minimizing the mess.

The only thing I would be weirded out is if it was her place only because i'm i'm very like i would never go just take a shower in someone else's place so someone i didn't know i wouldn't just like get up and walk to their shower that's fair you know what i mean that's the same thing it's like i wouldn't just get up and like go to their fridge yes exactly yeah but i would be like hey can i grab a pop or hey yeah can i have a shower do you mind if i grab a shower yeah um but that's a totally different question yeah um so yeah like and i get like where this can come from because like you don't really know it's not like the most like it's not what the what's the word i'm looking for it's not like how it usually goes down right like most of the time people go home and they just have sex when you're not in your period and most guys don't really talk about it they don't talk about periods at all and it is also like a very

personal thing and like women are like taught to hide it like all tampon ads are like this discreet slip that you can pretend is a lipstick container don't ever talk about periods are secret it's like we can't even show red. We have to have blue liquid. Like, all this shit. Yeah. So I get it. There's so much societal stuff that, like, there's no...

It's no surprise that you're in your head a little bit about it. Like, oh, shit, does he think it's disgusting? Was it not whiskey dick? Did he not like it? Yeah. I wouldn't worry. No. But I get it.

But yeah, you guys did it right. Dane, what the fuck? Dane just dropped his phone and caught it, which was kind of cool. Lightning fast. I'm training. I sit in this closet for hours and just toss my phone and snatch it out of the air. I was wondering why it's lumpy. Why it's shattered to shit.

This comes from Reddit user Seahawk20. You know what? The first 1 to 19 Seahawks have had shitty questions. So this one's good. He's male 23. Can't handle any stimulation once ejaculation starts. Title pretty much sums it up. It's always taken me a long time to come when

having any form of sex with a partner, but regardless of the orgasm being self-inflicted or due to a partner, once that rush starts Self-inflicted, I know. Once that rush starts, I physically can't handle any stimulation on my tool. Oral hands are vaginal. All of the above makes me want to kick my legs and pull away until that rush of pleasure is over.

Is this normal? I can't imagine it is, seeing porn videos of guys getting rubbed all the way through ejaculation. Yes and no. Because for me, if the second I started coming, things stopped, I would grab a gun and shoot myself in the fucking head because it needs... Sorry.

If you get to that point and then just stop, it's like giving someone a bite of the best food and then throwing it in the garbage right in front of them and shitting on it. Uh, so sad. I'm the exact opposite. What? I'm this,

I'm this dude. Like nothing. No, I mean like I, like I can sort of like give myself a couple of tugs. Yeah. Um, but like,

like literally like three, four kind of. Yeah. Like, like just sort of like a good grip and just like a couple slow, slow. Yeah. Okay. Um, and it's like definitely it's all shaft work i'm not touching the head because that is man that will kill me so i'm i'm the opposite for me it's like when i'm coming i want i 100 keep going oh even harder almost just

like i want like a frenzy for like 10 seconds right like i just go to fucking town but then stop stop immediately after like and that's the thing i'm like harder go go stop and then it's yeah then it's like yeah i'll throw across the room so here's the thing i brought it because i i had a feeling based on what we've talked about on this podcast and just a personal life i knew you were on that that side of things okay and i knew i wasn't i didn't know you were so what i wanted to talk about was he was like it's just normal i can't imagine after seeing porn videos blah blah blah okay firstly stop with the imagining after porn videos yeah we've talked about this before these men it's not realistic job also their penis is not it's it, their penis is not even real anymore.

It's been savaged. Yeah, I mean, these are people who train and have processes that they go through and people who are keeping them hard. So it's like, yeah, their dicks are going to act differently than the people who aren't going through those experiences. They're going to act differently than everything. But even stripping all that aside you have two dudes you have a 50 50 split down the middle in this room right now where it's like

i i'm in the camp of like the second i start ejaculating or the second i orgasm it is not i i am so overwhelmed with sensation down there that it is so like if you're fucking do you have to stop oh i i push in and it just happens wow like i i do not keep going no like if i'm having sex and like i'm i start to come and like for some reason like you know when you slip out or like you know whatever it's hell for me because i it's like my motor functions on everything are like obviously not the best because my whole body is like gone to heaven but trying to get your dick back in so you can keep getting those few pumps while you come it's if you don't get

in in time and you're like oh i've ruined it it's so bad yeah no i'm that must be great though because there's no like for me once i start coming there's like uh a few seconds that can like i won't say make or break because I'm cumming anyway. It's fine. But like the pleasure will vary massively depending on what happens in those few seconds. And by seconds, it's probably one second or two seconds. You know. Whereas for you, it's just you're there.

Yeah. For me, it's like, oh. I'm not saying every now and then something will happen where like, someone will surprise me. Yeah. Um, with, but it's very rare where it's just like, I have to be like,

no hands, no hands, no hands, no hands. You know what I mean? Like if it's a blow job or, or something, I'm like,

I usually, I'm just like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,

stop, stop. That's fair. That's fair. Just let it happen. Just let it, um, and I think it's good for women to know that as well.

Cause I'm sure there's people who've been like You've been like oh stop stop stop Who've gotten like upset Or like in their head Or like what did I do wrong Every dick is different Every girl like for fuck's sake You guys can't talk shit

Because you're all so different Yeah Yeah it's I mean I think everyone has their How they want to become So when I was a kid And like Not like a kid uh and like i'm not like a kid kid but like you know no no this is this is a real cool kid ejaculation story you're gonna tell us

i was like you know i we would like me and people i was seeing like you know we drink in parks and we'd like do stuff in parks because we were like 15 um i believe what you went to say was scumbags true um and like you know I would have like someone like You know be jerking me off And they'd be standing like right in front of me In the clothes they have to go home To their family home in And like when I'm coming I'd like move to the side

Or like cause I don't want to come all over them And I had this one girl Who at one point like we'd be hanging out And like I'd finger her And she would just like never She kind of like stopped doing anything to my dick For like a little while And I was like I was always waiting didn't want to push it whatever and one day i like i was like what the hell she was like you don't even like it i was like

what she was like you always like push me away and i was like because i want to come all over your nice sweater she was like oh god damn it the amount of hand jobs I missed out on. I just want to say, like, people... Guys mean well. Well, actually, no. They don't. Sorry. Most guys don't. A lot of guys don't.

I can't just make that blanket statement. But, I mean, don't get upset if someone's, like, pushing you away. Maybe their dick's too sensitive. Yeah, maybe they're just going to die. Maybe you are actually going to kill them. Yeah. So, this is by ZachAttack1901. Hell yes. I contacted two of my

girlfriend's exes they didn't know who she was hello okay hello so i've been talking with this girl from work for close to three years we were both in other relationships for the first two we were always talking slash texting. Had a pretty emotionally intimate relationship. Over that time, she would tell me about her boyfriends, the dates they had, the sex they had, hanging out with his family, important conversations. She showed me text messages between them.

She posted stuff on her Facebook timeline about their text or nice things he would say to her. She told me how they met, the people that set them up. This all went on with one guy for at least eight months. Got out of my relationship. We started dating a few months ago. I had trust issues for a couple of reasons. I was concerned about their dating timeline because he recently sent her a text saying to come over one night. She explained it as he still loved her and she ignored his text and they weren't talking anymore.

Luckily, I am like Rain Man and memorized his phone number when she showed me that text. Goddamn. Texted him a few weeks later and much to my surprise, he did not recognize her name and only realized who I was talking about when I showed me that text. God damn. Texted him a few weeks later, and much to my surprise, he did not recognize her name and only realized who I was talking about when I showed him a couple of photos. He said his only involvement with her was that he met her on a dating app and they texted slash sexted over the air but never met in person, much less dated. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she never dated him or knew him.

Said she made it all up to make me jealous and for me to want to be with her. She said all the text message screenshots she for me to want to be with her. She said all the text messages screenshots she sent me between them were made up too. Her posts on Facebook were apparently only to me

and none of the rest of her friends could see it. All the dates and occasions were totally pulled out of her ass. There was a second guy from about a year ago

and he also didn't have a clue who she was. Yikes. She is definitely passionate about being with me and I believe her when she said it was all to make me jealous

and ultimately to be with me but is this a big red flag and should I never talk to her again? I'm just torn because I've never felt or given so much love to someone in my life. To be fair, I've never felt that much love either. Yeah, no. Now, is this the red flag? There are times when I feel like, you know, like we do our best, right? Like we've said we're not experts, but I think we do all right.

You know, I will say I was watching Sex Education Season 2 and I could solve all these problems before they even brought up what the issues were. But sometimes like I'm just not qualified. Like, or we need more information. Right? Like, is this, like... Is this a red flag? Is making up two boyfriends,

but, like... But wait, for how long, though? Not even making them up. Not even making them up. Taking two real men... Real people, yeah. That makes it worse.

Yes. But was it for long? Only, like... One was only eight months. And the other one, I presume, a year and a bit like one was only eight months and the other one i presume a year and yeah a bit um two years she only faked messages she only important conversations events facebook posts and also a second i think the best part is the fake text asking her to come over after they started dating well no i no, I think that text was probably real. I think that was, you know, he was just booty calling her because, you know, they sexted

and whatever. Maybe. Because, like, why would she have his fake number? You know what I mean? Like, why would he use his real number? So I think he was probably just, like, throwing a fucking booty call out into call out into the wild because like they had been texting sexting no you're right um so then no not a red flag then yeah no you're fine you're good carry on oh my god this is crazy this is this is actual insanity yeah this is actual like run yeah like run run run run if someone is this

committed to getting you yeah making shows guess what someone is this committed to making you jealous, guess what she's going to do to keep you around? Have you guys seen Gone Girl? Have you? Yes. Yeah. Have you seen fucking, what's the one with Alicia Silverstone? Crush?

She's going to fill your basement with bees. She's going to make herself ill off antifreeze and then make the police believe you poisoned her with antifreeze by freezing the antifreeze in the freezer. Wait, you poisoned her with antifreeze by freezing the antifreeze in the freezer wait that doesn't make sense it wouldn't freeze gone girl sucks wait what that's a whole plot in gone girl is it yeah in the movie i didn't i don't think it happens in the movie like there's a whole thing where like she poisoned herself so that the police would think he had poisoned her and failed and that's why he like killed her in the end kind of thing.

But when she comes back to him and he kind of slowly realizes she's fucking insane he's like she's like I still have the vomit frozen in the freezer so I can like prove that you did poison me or some shit but if it's antifreeze I'm in the frozen hole. I might be misremembering the plot point. I don't remember. Either way, you should be a gone boy.

Yeah, this is the time to run. Quickly. And here's the thing. I would say maybe don't tell her. No. And don't give her any warnings. And then maybe don't ever talk to her ever again. You have to change every...

You are now a new person. Yeah, you need witness protection. Yeah, you have to do witness protection. Because now a new person. Yeah, you need witness. You have to... Yeah, you have to do a witness protection. Because this girl's probably going to kill you. She's... Like, actually, though. Or, no, here's the thing. She loves you too much to kill you.

She might wear your flesh. She... She's going to kill your pets. She's going to make you cum and then keep pumping. She's going to kill your friends, probably your family. You know what I mean? She's going to make your life a living fucking hell. You're going to be the only thing left.'re gonna realize that you have to be with her if you want to salvage anything that you love yeah

well i don't want to tell you man you're fucked seriously you got to get out that's like there is nothing normal about that there's nothing okay there's nothing excusable there here's the thing is like if it was a one-time thing where she if she was like oh i've got a really cute date okay fine whatever i mean yes it's it's okay that would be that would be a red flag yes this is a fucking red carpet like this doesn't stop this is you could walk the queen that you fucking like you see it like football and baseball games where they like fly through the whole stadium over the crowd it's like ruining 4 000 people's view at a time yeah like this there's too many red flags that like it's a red forest yeah get you gotta get out man this is bad news and if you need an excuse

i don't think having the conversation of being like hey so you you spent two years lying to me yeah and making people up and i guess committing i did i don't know if it's technically identity fraud but like yeah i'm still doing some weird shit with people's yeah i mean it's the amount of effort like she made fake posts only you could see yeah i don't know how to do that i do cool no when you post up a thing it's like i i well i really hope you're not listening, but I block my mom on most of my relatives just because I don't want to post up something being like, fuck this person or whatever and just be like, don't use bad language. Or share this podcast and then be like-

It's the whole reason why I'm not friends with your mom. That's fair. I love her, but- I also adore your mother. They don't like cursing for one, drinking for another. Sex podcasts, I'm imagining. They're the sweetest human being. They're Irish and they don't understand that sex is a real...

No, it's just a conversation that I'm sure she knows. But the fact that she hasn't brought up with me means that I ain't going to bring it up with her. I told my parents in a very, very awkward... But your parents are different. They are, but I also do not swear in front of them. Ever. I don't either. To then tell them that I'm hosting a podcast called Fuck Buddies?

Yeah. That's the thing. That alone, me saying fuck, they'd be mortified. Then me saying buddies, they'd be like, what's that? And I'd have to explain. It's a pun based on casual sex. Lol. And they'd be like mortified yeah then me saying buddies they'd be like what's that and i have to explain it's a pun based on casual sex lol and they'd be like what's that and i have to explain casual sex and be like what's a podcast i'll be like that and then they'd be like that's the real trouble explaining to your parents what a podcast is yeah this comes from reddit user gilgamesh shen gilgamesh why my pussy farts so much.

Further details. Why my pussy farts so much. Do you need that again? Yeah. Could you read the question? Sorry. I just. I wasn't sure. Sorry. So the question? Sorry. I wasn't sure I caught it.

Sorry. So the question is, why my pussy farts so much? Okay. And the details? Why my pussy farts so much? Question marks both times? No. No question marks at all.

So I guess technically that's a statement. Oh, maybe they know. Maybe it was like a dissertation and they were about to say why their pussy farts so much. I don't think there's any way you can say the sentence, why my pussy farts so much without a question mark. Yeah, you can. And I'm about to tell you why my pussy farts so much. Okay. Fair enough.

Coming this summer, you will understand the secret of why my pussy farts so much. Um, I'm going to guess. I would love to guess... Please. Because I feel like we can only guess at this point. Well, okay. You have to look at the positions you're in. If you're in certain positions, it forces air

into the vagina, and then when you move, your pussy gon' queef. Okay. Okay, so you're done there. That's pretty much it. That what i assume yeah that or or or or or you keep putting your baby pot up there and it's forcing a pocket of air and then blasting it with some soft indie rock until it's agitated and it just got to come out there's here's a challenging idea what if she doesn't realize her butt's her pussy and her pussy's her butt?

Yes, exactly. That's where I'm going. What if she thinks that they're inverted? What if they are inverted? So her pussy that farts so much is actually her butthole that's supposed to be farting. And maybe she's got like, maybe she's lactose intolerant. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Maybe she's got like maybe she's lactose intolerant yeah what i mean is your is your poo liquid and coming out of your butt god i already can't fucking wrap my brain around this yellow maybe she's very ill and it's still brown oh my god you know what what does your pussy fart so much maybe you should ask maybe you us. We often have the answers to things. Sometimes we give you the question of... Why your pussy farts so much? Why your pussy farts so much? But maybe...

We often encourage self-reflection. Yeah. Get a mirror. Check it's a pussy first. Yeah, make sure it is, in fact, a pussy. Maybe this isn't about sex at all. Maybe this is just a very flatulent cat. Oh.

Hmm? Oh, shit. Which subreddit did you find it in? Sex. And dating? Sex and relationships? No, just sex. Just sex.

Maybe she's fucking her cat. Maybe that's why it's farting so much. It's agitation fart. Oh, boy. Don't fuck cats. Don't fuck your cats. All right, hit me with another question. All right.

You know what? You want to stick on the fart train? Fucking sure. We've kind of done this. We're going to read the title. You tell me if you want to go with it. Best way to muffle a fart in the washroom. We've done the poop.

Because if not, I can skip to something a little juicier. All right, give me something juicier. Okay. Ooh, do you want trashy juicy or you know this is by haley anza who i match my doctor i have a huge crush on my doctor happy to match with him on tinge today unhinged today and i'm freaking out send him a message saying no way when we match he said oh this is interesting i thought you were my friend's ex and then they hit me a few hours later what the fuck do i say back do i try to be funny like say damn i thought you totally recognize your super cute patient that you see so seldomly that wouldn't cause a conflict of interest upside down smiley face or try to actually start a convo like lol how often do you match with

patients or do i just try get that d and maybe a discount on botox so did the doctor say that he thought that she was his friend's ex? Yeah. Because that's already weird. That's a wild thing to say. You know what? Hey, you look like one of my friend's ex-girlfriends. How about we fuck?

And therefore, I matched you. Yeah. That's a crazy, like, if you and your girlfriend broke up and me and Amanda broke up all at the same time and then your girlfriend showed up on my Tinder, I wouldn't be like, huh, yep. Yeah, no, that would be uh

crazy ever no yeah uh yeah so i guess he's already a dick but what's funny is i'm imagining he knew exactly what he was doing and then panicked and or thought about when fucking god doctor the guy who makes sure they all don't do things against their Hippocrates, he will come down and smite him. So he's leaving behind a false trail of clues for Hippocrates. Hippocrates? I don't know. You're the fucking classics major.

Yeah, my brain's coronavirus. I don't have that for my work. He's got it because he's had too many coronas. Yeah, that's what I mean. Y'all out there having a pandemic? Me and having a can-demic am i right gripping ripping uh i'm actually gonna go buy so many cans and make that joke for the rest of the week uh so i'm assuming he is doing that just so he can be like i didn't match you because you were my patient and he just kind of like fumbled it because that was the best he could come up with.

Yeah. Or he's a dick. Either way. I wonder what the, like is there anything in state in your patients? I'm pretty sure there is. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it is an entirely,

like a conflict of interest. Her line was fucking hilarious and very funny. So you know what? Apparently it varies on a state to state basis, but at best it is usually strongly discouraged. Yeah, I can understand that. I see there's two paths. One, if you're into this dude and he's into you, get him a doctor.

I'm sure he knows someone that he can refer to you in his office. Cool. Go for it. Or understand your professional requirements and be like, I've matched with a patient that is unprofessional. I'm not going to pursue this. Well, she matched with a doctor. She's in the clear. Yes.

I'm talking about his. And, like, those are the two. Like, technically, she's not going to do anything wrong. You know what I mean? Maybe ruin a man's career. But, I mean, that's his choice. That's true. That is 100%.

If she wants to pursue a you know a relationship and you know maybe like any other profession or any other relationship like if i if i met someone who was in a relationship while i was single and they decided to yeah no i agree it's but we gotta she wants to know how like what should she do i don't care about him he knows He's a professional. I think it's classic ball, his court. Okay. But, like, I mean literally, what's her next step?

What's she texting? Honestly, I think that she should send him that fucking conflict of interest thing. Yeah. Because, look, it brings up all the pertinent information. Exactly. You know what I mean? I think it's fucking funny. It's clever.

It's funny. Yeah. It's kind of cute. you know what i mean i think it's fucking funny it's uh it's clever it's funny yeah and it also and it also sort of is like hey i'm aware that this is fucked up and if you choose to do it that's your call because i'm not losing my fucking job if yeah you know what i mean i'm not losing the thousands hundreds of thousands of dollars in med school that i paid if you choose to go through with this yeah um yeah again i like it what i don't like and i wish i could find it is she slowly i think loses her goddamn mind in the comments because she's like freaking out about it so i think someone says like oh yeah like kind of what we're saying we're like yeah your initial thing is fine like it's kind of on him um blah blah blah and then

she expands that like brief like line and a half to like kind of the same content but like six lines and then later on to like nine lines and like it slowly stops to losing meaning and it gets more frantic so definitely don't do that um but i feel like her other option was oh how often do you match with new patients that's like super boring sidesteps everything only hammers home the fact that you're a patient again which is just going to make it seem oh yeah this is a bad idea yeah it just takes all the sex and everything and momentum it's like just crippling the conversation yep so do the other one because you're bringing up the issue quickly

and you're giving him the opportunity to say you're cute patient and funny and like you can also then after you guys joke a bit be like a serious note i know this is might be a problem for you but i do think you're cute so you can advise us on our next steps moving forward yep and also maybe again revisit the fact oh yeah the x thing yeah don't thought that you were a friend's ex that seems a weird as hell yeah because like is that disappointed it's like oh i thought you were friends x yeah i realized later you're not my buddy's oh i thought you were friends x oh i realized later yeah but like why'd you swipe bud yeah i don't know how hinge works is it as easy as a swipe i have no idea because i think hinge is the one we have to pick a picture

and actually type a message about a picture to them which in which case that's a lot of effort you can't accidentally be like man i oops i've never touched hinge it was it was after my time yeah um i think that's gonna do it for today yeah i gotta go home and put a speaker on my bum so my babies can hear so your butt babies can hear yeah um it's always a pleasure thank you for joining us um we love you love you i don't know where i was going with that i never really know what to say here yeah i you know usual stuff i don't want to sound boring or repeated but like you know we you know we do this every week for you guys because you guys are the best uh if you could let someone else know you know pass the podcast on yeah that would be amazing uh send us in some questions thank you agent streep for being amazing uh hopefully we could help and we just yeah

we appreciate it guys so yeah spread the word if you can tag us in some things share us in some things like we always really appreciate it and yeah thanks um also we we've talked about it past couple times since since we've joined but we're a part of a group called Tickle Life. They're a sex and dating, sexuality, health conglomerate of various different people, various voices. Various collaborators. Collaborators. They've got a bunch of podcasts, a bunch of articles, a bunch of stuff you can go and check out. It's tickle.life.

I want to just sort of like share some of the things I think are cool on there. So there's another podcast called American Sex Podcast. And they just did an article or sorry, an episode on polyamory and sort of like the problems that most people have with it. And that's including things like jealousy, inadequacy, the fears of going from monogamous to polyamory. And it's just a really, really cool look at it and a really grounded look at it. We've talked about it briefly, but it's becoming more and more talked about, you know what I mean? In relationships where people are deciding that like, hey, I love you a lot, but our relationship needs to sort of like transcend the boundaries of monogamy. And it's just lot but our relationship needs to sort of like transcend the

boundaries of monogamy yeah um and it's it's just a really cool groundwork to sort of listen to and understand sort of the common problems and the basic structure of polyamory practice too yeah um so if you've ever been interested in that i would recommend it it's called the american sex podcast oh yeah um if you have questions for us um you can reach out to us on a bunch of different platforms you can find us on facebook at fck buddies podcast um you can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies you can email us at f buddies podcast at gmail.com you can find us online at f buddies podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca yeah and just like on the topic of sharing with friends we're

not allowed advertise uh yeah we were playing hard mode yeah we we decided to to get a name with like the word fuck in it uh so yeah we're actually like pretty crippled in that regard uh so if anyone you know we need we need y'all we need y'all uh thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their song at Paper Stars. And then we like to finish off with a little bad sex writing. Just to sexy up our night. This is Winkler by Giles Corrin. He came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand,

and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye, and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands, and he shot three times more in thick stripes on her chest,

like Zorro. Fuck yes. I think that's good sex writing. Yeah, I think that's probably the best we've ever had. The shower drop? I can see that. No, I know. That's very dangly down.

I assume he's dangly up. I think it's more just like, just a boom, boom, boom. Yeah, just all over. Is Zorro coming? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's the best sex writing.

You got this. Yeah, it's the best thing you've ever read on. Hell yeah. That's the best sex writing. You got this. Yeah, it's the best thing you've ever read on this fucking show. It's true. And as always, to finish us off, I will read a comment from the Pornhub video service of the users who like to share their, I don't know, musings. This one comes from Wolvesbane. And they say, not in the the workshop think of all the splinters my name is day miller i'm also imagining just like splinter from teenage mutant ninja turtle like multiple of him being horrified and i'm now spain and we are your fuck buddies uh wash your

hands folks folks.