F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 78 - Scrotal Distancing

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Much like the state of the world, it's a bit of a strange one this week, folks.  We're practicing social distancing and therefore are recording remotely, so we apologize for the audio quality.  We're taking steps to improve the clarity in the coming weeks for as long as we have to continue to self-isolate.  We hope you're all keeping safe and staying healthy, we love you.  Topics include COVID-19, self-isolation long distance relationships, a tempting booty call, stop eating ass, a best friend boner, and a quarantine decision.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Spang And we are your fuck buddies Did you hear that? I did hear it

Yeah, it's keeping the illusion alive There's a bit of a difference in how we sound It's because we are doing our social responsibility And we're socially isolating It is Fuck buddies, boys unleashed Out of the closet, part two Well, I'm still in the closet We're socially isolating. It is. Fuck Buddies. Boys Unleashed. Out of the closet. Part two.

Well, I'm still in the closet. Well, you're a fool. I'm in my kitchen. Oh, good. The most reverb-y place to be. Cheers. Cheers. In case you don't know, we're a dating and sex advice podcast, where we take your sticky,

sexy situations, turn them into sexy, sticky situations. I'd be a tequila boy, because I'm not with you. I also have my tequila too yeah my whole unless that tells how far we've fallen yeah i'm drinking tequila baby oh my god self-isolation has ruined you um do i i don't know i i want to kind of talk about it and just be like we're doing we're doing okay but i don't know i feel like everyone's fucking sick of talk about it and just be like, we're doing okay, but I don't know. I feel like everyone's fucking sick of hearing about it. How are you doing with it so far? I'm okay. I'm in this weird place where, like, everything

I feel, like, I go through waves of being like, this doesn't mean anything to me because I'm just hanging out at home. But then there are times where, like, new pieces of information will come out, and then I feel like I'm overreacting to stuff. So I'm in information will come out and then i feel like i'm overreacting to stuff so i'm in this like weird i feel like i'm either overreacting or underreacting to everything yeah no i hear you it's i think it's impossible to get a read on it because one there's conflicting information and two it's like it's hard to reconcile like if you just get up and

you like like play xbox or playstation for like an hour it nothing feels terrifying you know what i mean it's like the world's going through a pandemic but you just play dreams for two hours it's like it's hard to kind of like put something so kind of like large scale something so mundane right also i haven't gotten to the point in my week where i work so like fuck you so you know what i mean like i i only work weekends so i'm i'm still in the like these are the days i have off anyways so in terms of like my internal clock nothing's changed yeah well i've missed three shifts by now at least and i've also had to like i don't know go into my closed down work and apply for like unemployment and all this shit so it's been weird yeah it's uh it's one of

those things where i i think come come friday and saturday i think i might start getting a little jittery see i think it's funny because i feel like you're one of those people that legitimately could just stay in all the time and be happy like like you're well suited to this yeah i i'm i'm in no way worried about getting squirrely because like i have no problem sitting down and playing video games for fucking eight hours. You know what I mean? I really don't. See, the only time I can do that is late at night, which is a terrible combination,

because it means during the day I need to be productive, but then at night when it's like I could sleep, I'm like, no, let's just play video games. Now's the time to break that habit. Now's the time to start doing what you're made to do play video games during the day yes alright let's get into this this is not exciting but I hope everyone else out there

is doing okay I hope you're all doing alright I hope you're healthy and if you're not I hope you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing to get healthy and to protect other people and I hope you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing to get healthy and to protect other people. Yeah. And I hope you're dealing with the mental aspect already, you know? I hope your job's

okay. I hope, if not, that your money's okay or that your government is stepping in and doing something. You know? But if not, we're always here. You send us a message. And that's the thing. It's like we've done 77 I mean, this is 78 now, episodes and we weren't going to let a little pandemic

Stop us No we just got unleashed Little did coronavirus know We're not trapped in here with it It's trapped out here with us So hopefully this provides you With a little Entertainment

We should apologize right now for Audio quality We don't know how this is going to come out So we apologize if it's not the normal standard entertainment. We should apologize right now for audio quality. We don't know how this is going to come out. We apologize if it's not the normal standard, but we're doing our best. This comes from an agent. We got a bunch. I only have agent questions tonight.

This comes from Agent L. She says, My boyfriend and I are self-isolating, but we don't live together. I work in a bar, and while we don't have any symptoms I'm worried about still being contagious in case I'm still in the incubation stage to keep each other safe we've agreed to spend time apart what are some sexy activities we could do to keep being intimate when we're not allowed to be close well people have

made webcams for a reason and that only reason was to masturbate mutually online. Well, maybe not even mutually. Sure, yeah. You don't even need to do it mutually, but it is more fun. Yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of things. It's time to reinvent or reacquaint ourselves with the art of phone sex. Someone do sexing. Dimitri's just in and saying that we need to do this entire episode on revitalizing phone sex so here we go this one's for you yeah yeah there's there's that there's sexy pictures i mean re-download snapchat i feel like you can and like i say spice it up you know what i mean like don't just get to the classics

right we're in a new time come up with a game like find an online like chess game or something and play strip chess right play uh any game but have stripping as part of it write each other some bad sex writing and by bad i mean try make it good but it's impossible like you have a little story or just like plan when you guys are able to see each other what you're going to do yeah i mean there's there's also that anticipation thing i mean this isn't going to last forever thankfully we we know we will eventually get through this um so you can old statement i i believe it you know what i mean we need to be of course we will so yeah there's a there's a whole list of things that you you guys can talk about what you want to do to each other um like you said also webcams you know what i mean like even if you're not masturbating to each other

like if you're both watching your own individual porn but like you know getting into it that's that's something you can enjoy too yeah you can like definitely share especially because it's it is very like it's it's not a long time like as far as we know so far you know what i mean like two weeks is about the estimate, especially for, like, you know, symptoms do show during that time at the very least, you know what I mean?

Right, exactly. Imagine everybody who has a long-distance relationship, you know? Like, they have to go months. You can go two weeks, or a month, or however long it's going to be.

You know, people go half a year, easy, I've done it. So just get creative. Like, you know what turns each other on and like just try incorporate that into like kind of a long distance format and the best thing is when you guys do get to see each other it's going to be it's gonna be tight it's gonna be fucking wild once you've self-isolated for the 14 days and neither of you are showing symptoms you can assume that you don't have it at that point you guys can you guys can meet up again um but like the whole point of the self-isolation for the 14 days is to protect each other and make sure that you don't show symptoms and spread it granted you're you run the risk of if you're going to then like take a cab or

something over to their place so i would say just just ride this out this is this is a minor bump and the sex you have once you're done is going to be great. It's going to be so good. I don't have this question but do you want, should we talk about some things to do while you're with your partner at home? Sure, yeah. I feel like it's easy. You're at home.

The sexual stuff isn't necessarily going to be the problem. It's the not getting stir crazy. Yeah. I think it's a perfect time to try new things you know yeah exactly perfect time to like you can like extend things you don't need to like rush necessarily you know what i mean like yeah one of the things that i feel like uh people always have we've had it in questions before is like she doesn't want to have sex at night because she's too tired i don't want to have sex in the morning because

i'm too tired like i don't you guys can sleep whenever you want you know i mean you can actually get your proper rest in like the opposite problem will probably be happening where you're not tired you know um so like or even if it's just like if both of you are only horny during the day neither of you are at work exactly fucking the day there you go yeah so that's the thing it's like now's the time where you can really just like have sex whenever you want however you want like and just like make it an experience like you know go slow like just fucking spend some time just have a sex day you know just have one day where you guys are allowed to wear clothes yeah i mean amanda and i are gonna do a boudoir shoot nice Nice. That'll be fun. Yeah, it's like I've got a camera.

I'm a budding photographer. I don't really consider myself a photographer, but I know how to take pictures. Alright, hit me. Alright, this is by Sneaky Joey. First date ideas with Corona Crisis? Bars and restaurants are closed, but we want to meet.

It's a bit weird to first meet at someone's home, plus we still live with our parents. Don't. I mean, like, every question we're going to have about this. I mean, I have a very similar question where it, I'm just going to read it now because it's like the same damn thing. This comes from Agent Sprite because they thirsty as hell. Is it worth breaking self-isolation to answer very tempting booty call?

Yeah, the thing is, it's like the whole point is harm reduction. So the more you interact, the more kind of risk there are to yourself and others. That harm goes up when it's people you don't necessarily know as well, because one, you're entering into newer social circles that you wouldn't. Two, you don't know where they're at with regards to symptoms and everything, because like you kind of only have the word to go on. you don't know where they're at with regards to symptoms and everything because like you kind of only have the word to go on you don't know if they're trustworthy and also it's like from everything i've seen or read like yes strict self-isolation is the best option obviously but you know humans have certain needs and some of those needs are being social so it's like people are encouraged to like if they do need to meet with people to have like isolation buddies so at the very least

if you guys aren't interacting with other people then you keep if by any chance even though you guys aren't showing symptoms anyone is ill you keep the illness between you guys you don't spread it blah blah blah blah but that is like uh if you need to to get through this and seeing someone for a booty call is not a necessity because that's one person you know what i mean like what are you gonna do you're definitely gonna be swapping fucking spit that's another thing unless you have like the no kissing rule but like no like if you're if you're gonna be changing body bodily fluids or like you know touching each other's mouth with your mouth or whatever exactly that's another thing it's like even if you are meeting with friends and like you guys hopefully

are gonna be washing hands and not like sticking your fingers in each other's parts if you're meeting up for a booty call like there's there's no hope yeah it's like and the thing is like you're you're also just because you're not showing symptoms you can be asymptomatic and still have it um so it's like you could you could be feeling absolutely fine and still have the virus. And now you've for, you know, however long this booty call is going to last. You've just gotten yourself sick and potentially, you know, a bunch of other people sick. Well, that's the thing. It's like also with friends, at least, you know, there are situations where but like one in this case, they live at home with their parents.

That's bad. Parents are old. old people get sick from coronavirus and die you know and on top of that it's like you know like let's say you are so desperate in need of like company that you do need to see people then like first dates are not the way to go because what if there's no second date you can't just pick one person and overwhelm them during your quarantine because also that would be a terrible way to start things yeah and if you're so mentally dependent on on social interactions the last thing you want to do is put it in put the effort into like a high stress because like if the date doesn't go well then not only are you going to like realize that your social your social release isn't going to pay off you're also going to realize that like oh i'm also bad

at dating so it's like a it's like a compounding negative effect for your mental health so yeah and you're either going to then irresponsibly start seeking out more contact which is going to make the problem worse or you're just going to like have done the opposite and made yourself very sad and then self-isolation could be even worse. So, no. However, and I know this is leading because I know you got this question, but I feel like it's a perfect time for another user to submit

a question you got. So this comes from Agent Daphne. Can the virus be transmitted sexually? Like if I only use my penis and I don't talk or make eye contact with my partner Or anything and no coughing or anything else Can I catch or transmit the virus?

I love that They say don't talk Yeah or eye contact It's not It can be transmitted through eye contact Only if you guys have the same color eyes Let me tell you man If it was transmitted through eye contact

We'd be fucked Oh yeah Actually you know what I feel like no one looks at each other anymore So we might be okay No you'd be fucked at work I would have been fucked at work anyway But no one would have caught on the subway

I got some really funny information about this Okay go So do you have anything you want to jump in before i mean like none of this is no it can't be transmitted sexually it's not it's it's through respiratory droplets so through through anything that passes through the lungs and that kind of stuff so uh saliva mostly uh your your blood or semen or other bodily fluids have no impact on on training the virus back and forth. Okay, but, so technically, right, if you were very careful,

and this is a hypothetical because we already talked about how first dates and hookups are probably not the best idea. However, if you were very careful, if you sanitize well, if you do not kiss, cough, sneeze on each other, and you used only your penis, you would still be in risk. Because if you're within the sphere of someone who has it for 15 minutes, it's highly likely that you'll catch it. So you just got to fuck real quick. But did you know you can get it from analingus?

Huh? No. No, you can. So there is evidence of oral fecal transmission of covid 19 which implies that analingus may represent a risk for infection so contrary to eating ass save a life uh do not eat ass right now no one corona has shut down the ass eating industry and let me tell you with all these people buying toilet paper i bet everyone's like oh my ass is so clean it's the perfect time to go down on someone's butt but that's how it gets you that's how coronavirus gets you but yeah that was one fact i did not think i would find uh so this comes from agent shakespeare and they said i'm gonna run out of cute ways of saying you up and checking in gotta keep the spark alive for

14 plus days help thank you so this is from agent Shakespeare I'm going to run out of cute ways of saying you up and checking in gotta keep the spark alive for 14 plus days help thank you yeah I mean this is tough because it's like if you're not doing anything it's hard to be like hey what are you up to today because it's it's going to be the same answer it's like i'm still quarantined in my fucking house and like unless something wild happens that's not going to change yeah and the thing is i'm imagining if it's not like a well-established relationship um which again it sounds like it then maybe it won't be the best to do like you know overtly sexual things necessarily like you know uh keeping it alive via you know sex on webcams or like erotica or whatever like

that like we talked about earlier because it seems more like uh you know when you're still in the early days um so it just seems like bad timing where you don't necessarily want to lose it but you're not at the point where it just kind of like keeps itself alive anyway. Yeah, I mean, unfortunately, it's one of those things where it's like these, the situation that we're all in right now kind of takes precedence over. Of course. You know, the early stages of relationships, because it really like no matter how much you like this person it really doesn't mean a whole lot um yet you know what i mean it like and it sucks to say that but like it's it's you know minimal minimal pain lots of gain at this point however i that's not to say i don't think there's nothing you can do about there i don't think there's plenty like if you have a

pet i think there's no harm in sending if your pet's doing something cute just be like you know here it is you know hopefully this cheers you up hopefully you're not too bummed out or whatever here's a picture of my cute ass cat or dog I feel like a good way to to get through it is and it all kind of depends on the relationship and how long it's been going for but like one that should probably work for pretty much everything is ask them like now when it's beginning something like oh my god like blah blah blah this sucks we all get it we're all in the same boat but ask them what their plans

are you know be like oh do you have any like projects or whatever because if they're like yeah I'm gonna build a fucking desk then in a few days you can be like how's that desk going and it gives you something real and tangible that will hopefully make progress during the isolation to talk about. Instead of just like, what's up?

Because that's a boring ass fucking thing to ask, right? So it's like if you specifically know that they're writing or that they're building something or if you can talk about specifics, you can check in every few days and like kind of keep keep the contact going um you could also just like schedule a date via like we me and the us and the boys are playing uh some like online games over discord and stuff after this and that's gonna be a lot of fun and we were playing a test uh pathfinder session over the internet just before that so like there are things you can do so you can like still hang out and have fun i guess the only caveat to that is if it's strictly a like fuck buddy situation maybe you don't want to do that you have sexy check-ins be like the second

this is over i'm gonna do x there's no harm in asking them out on a first date you know what i mean you guys both prepare food or you know order order food to their place and then just sit down for a meal on Skype together. Yeah, that'd be nice. And it'll also be fun because, like, if you guys don't tell each other what you're cooking and then afterwards you get to see each other's meals and you can be like, cool, when this is done, you cook me that or I'll cook you this or both. Exactly. Make your, like, best dish. Each of you makes your best dish and then, like like you show it and be like all right damn okay like yeah well you make that for me and i'll make this for you yeah that's what i think is i think

that's good so yeah it's like if it's overtly like a sexual relationship you can like send the old tease picture a little bit of the way in right make sure they don't forget about you make sure you amp up that uh that tension that's gonna keep going until until you guys are free again if it's a bit more than that then you can always you know have a date like we just said or you know just keep keep in in check with like what they're actually planning and just ask for updates and hopefully they'll do the same with you yeah i uh i don't think there's any harm also. Again, depending on your stage, it's like a sexy little picture thinking of you. That's not to say if you're a guy, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, but don't set a dick pic. Yeah, maybe don't do the old unsolicited thing, but you know hopefully by now how to be chill about this, right?

Yeah, and maybe, you know, maybe start off with some flirting text, and if that goes well, you know, maybe a coy picture here or there, you know, like out of the shower with a foggy mirror and a towel on. Like, you can play games that aren't super gross if everyone seems to be on board.

Yeah. Also, I think there's a thing where you can watch movies over Discord as well. You can always be like, hey, what's your favorite movie? Let's watch it. Or pick a movie neither of you guys have seen, or show them your favorite movie. Yeah, I mean, you could literally do dinner and a movie. You can get the Netflix party or whatever it's called

and watch a movie together. I like it. I feel like that gives a wide enough spread between... Oh yeah, for sure. Hit me. I'm actually out of questions. I feel like we're going fast for once. Maybe it's because we're all down to business

because we're not staring each other dead in the eye. Yeah. Well, here's a return to our literary careers. This is from JiroIsBestGirl. How can I suddenly say a male character is physically aroused? I'm not writing porn. I don't want to outright say it.

I use the cliche of something rising in his pants. Context, main character is holding his best friend slash first love in his arms okay i am sorry that this person doesn't want us to just use metaphors about birds but that doesn't mean we can't yeah i mean i like i actually don't mind the metaphor or the the cliche that they said you know what i mean like if you know like just just a simple noticing a stiffness or yeah you know what I mean? Yeah, I also just feel like something rising in his pants. It's like, just say he, like, no, it's weird.

I don't know. I don't like it. Yeah, I mean, like, I also don't think, like, there's any harm in saying he notices to get him, like, he's gotten erect. You know what I mean? Yeah. had him like he's gotten erect you know what i mean like if we're taking this seriously like you seem to be doing uh no i expected some more book wild suggestions dan uh i thought we were unleashed i thought we were unleashed dan i feel like at anything at this point we're we're like tame we're yeah we are professional boys i know i think it's just like i don't know i maybe i need

more tequila we don't have tequila. We don't have the boy energy. We don't have the boy energy. The boy energy has been dispersed. Yeah, the boy energy is traveled. Hopefully our boy energy between me and you right now has like, is hitting all the other boys. Yeah. I don't mean you know what I mean? That's a gender neutral

boy. We're being B-O-I, not B-O-Y. Yeah, exactly. Just people who have boy energy. Like, you don't have who have boy energy like you don't have to be of you don't have to be any gender you don't have to be anything yeah um but yeah i i bet there's like a strip all along that road that's just like i'm feeling feisty um so if we're gonna take it seriously you need to know what the like what the arousal does in this scene like is it embarrassing like are they is it like a teen romance is he trying to like hide his boner or is it like meant to be sexy is it you know is it inopportune like is he holding

his best friend slash first love in his arms at her parents funeral you know what i mean like we need to know these things well is the main character getting aroused or is the person in his like is it two guys oh that's a good point i don't know it just says main character is holding his best friend's first love in his arms i assume it's the main character then but i do not know yeah that's fair i mean you can also like depending on the the the tense or like, the view that you're writing, if it's first person, then you can easily just, like, have him

deal with it. You know what I mean? Oh, it's third person? Well, in that case, you could just say that, like, you know, Steven shifts to, you know, hide his erection or to, like, you know, manage his erection to the side of his leg so that it's not the obvious.

Steven scooted his bum back slightly because his penis decided to self-isolate itself from his balls. Penile distancing. Yes, penile distancing. There we go. Boom. That's golden. I want to go back.

I want to say scrotal distancing. Scrotal distancing. I like it. As he reached out with his arms and embraced her, he reached out with his penis but was denied by a jean barrier, a wall of denim. Feeling the weight of his best friends in his arms, he felt like he needed an additional hand on the situation. He reached out. You have to put hands in quotations. Yeah, yeah. They just put a lot of wink emojis in there.

Yes. That's the thing. That's not enough novels have them. I was just about to say that. Not enough fucking literature has emojis in it. You know what is actually awful? I'll bet you hardcore that in the next 10 years, that will not be the trend. There will be young adult novels that have

fucking... There's definitely young adult novels out right now that have emojis in them. There will probably be widespread emojis in a few years. I hope so. I don't. Hey, look, if there's one thing that can come out of the coronavirus, I hope that it's more emojis than novels.

So my raven, my trouser raven, stirred and began to roost. My cock crowed. It must have been dawn in my pants. Because my cock was crowing. The time of my arousal must have been dawn. Yeah, I love it. As daylight crept over the time of my arousal.

Yeah, I mean, it's your show now. I've got no more questions. it. As daylight crept over the time of my arousal. Yeah, I mean, it's your show now. I've got no more questions. Oh, shit. I got one from I got a fucking coronavirus one right here. This is by PandaPanda56789. I'm not going to read the title. A couple of weeks ago,

after 1.5 years, I realized my boyfriend cheated on me with two different women, was living on my cost without intention and ability to pay back, manipulated me, and lied to me about his entire life situation. When we were together, my mental health suffered a lot because of all the lies and manipulation. When I learned he cheated on me, I finally decided to kick him out of my apartment without being concerned about where he ends. It was before the coronavirus outbreak. Now we live in one of the five most impacted countries at the moment. The situation is bad.

Everything is closed. Homeless shelters are overcrowded. People are requested to stay home unless they really need to be outside, for example, for grocery shopping. If you're outside for another reason, you are subject to a big fine. He asked me to take him back, saying he can even sleep in the bathroom and do anything just to have a roof for the lockdown period. What should I do, considering, one,

he hurt me to the point where I was considering suicide. He disrespected my feelings, manipulated me to believe he is someone else while doing terrible things. I live with five other people, and everyone is taking the quarantine seriously. He has been on the streets or in the metro and many other public places. Even though he has no symptoms, he can still carry the virus. And three, he told me the true story of his life and seems honestly sorry for what he did. He has nobody to contact. He's in a foreign country without residence permit.

And he hasn't even talked to his parents for the last eight years. Oh, boy. Yeah, I figured we may as well get really heavy at one point. Yeah, let's fucking do it. Let's go. Here's the thing. He said he manipulated and lied to you to the point where you were going to kill yourself or self-harm. To me, it's...

Look, I get it. You're... Being a good person and considering... You have empathy and sympathy and you're trying to make the right call. Because I imagine, yeah, if he ends up dying or something, you would feel bad. Of course.

Here's the thing. You can't put yourself and the people you live with at risk at this point in time. Because here's the thing. He says he doesn't have any symptoms, but he also lied to you for a year and a half. So who knows what he... You know what I mean? He might be symptomatic and he's just desperate to to get in that's the thing it's like you like you need to look after yourself first and foremost and a lot

of uh like if you read up on anything about uh self-isolation and this whole situation it's like the two main things people talk about are like the actual virus and your mental health because this is just like a bizarre situation that no one really is prepared to to deal with yet you know i mean like it's a hard thing to go through so like who you're isolating with and how are major parts of how you're going to get through this and this would be hell like this would be terrible for you on top of the fact that you might be putting four other people at risk yes it sucks but this person you, it isn't your fault he's in a country without a residence permit. It's not your fault he hasn't talked to his parents.

Even if you're the only person he can turn to, it's still not your fault. That's the thing. It's not your fault that he got kicked out because those are his decisions that led to that. It's like, yes, did you make the decision to kick him out? Absolutely. But did he make the decision to lie and manipulate and cheat and like all this other bullshit that led to that? I mean,

sometimes, unfortunately people have to deal with the consequences of their actions. And it really sucks that at this point in time, you know, that's a fucking dumpster fire of a situation. Yeah. That's bad timing, but that's bad luck. It's not you and it's not on you to fix yeah it's like we've always said it's like it's important to be compassionate about each other and take care of each other but it's also like your health is also very important so if you're going to do something that that puts you

at risk it's not worth it you know what i mean it's not worth putting you and everyone you live with at risk for the sake of this person who has done nothing to deserve your compassion yeah who was like just fucked it up also the whole told me the true story of his life seems honestly sorry this guy's a manipulator and an abuser yeah i feel like you'll probably say any story to get back in also he might not even actually need this this might just be his idea of like good timing yeah i mean if you're a sociopath who's willing to lie to someone for a year and a half like what's to stop him from making up another fucking story and unfortunately it's one of those things where if if you if you

have trust and then you you break it uh by and doing shitty things, you don't get that trust anymore. You know what I mean? I would have a very hard time believing this person. No. Imagine being fucking stuck with them for God knows how long. It's not going to stop there either. If you lied to me when there was nothing at stake, why would I believe that you're not going to lie to me when there's everything at stake?

Yeah. And when you're stuck in an apartment with him, one, he didn't have enough money to pay you for stuff beforehand and was lying about it, so I'm sure he's not going to chip in for all the food and drink and supplies that he's going to be using when he's in your place. On top of that, it's like, I don't know, you're going to be stuck with this guy.

It's going to suck. Yeah, so I commend and respect your compassion, but unfortunately, I don't have to say this guy is shit luck, and he's going to have to make his own way. 100%. It's not like it sucks. And I know you feel bad about the situation. I feel bad even saying it.

But you make your bed. You lie in it. And on bad even saying it, but like you, you know, you, you make your bed, you lie in it. And on top of that, it's like, you need to look after yourself on top of look more so than looking after other people. It's like, uh,

you know, when that, when the plane goes down, put on your own mask before you put on your kid, you need to look after yourself first before you can look after other people. And letting this person move in is irresponsible for you, for your roommates and for that person too because if this is the way he lives his life like at some point he has to

fucking realize and cop on so maybe this will be that time this is throw our a first time for sale my female 17 year old boyfriend male 18 year old wants our first time to be live-streamed for money, and I don't know how to feel. Okay, so I'm 17, but I'll be 18 in May, and we're both in the UK. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months, and we haven't had sex yet. Both of us are virgins, too. We've done touching and stuff, and I've talked about full sex, and I think I'm ready, but he wants to wait until the day I turn 18 so we can live-stream it on camera somewhere and charge people money for the password. We need to wait for the day I the damn 18 because then it's legal. He thinks we can earn big money

using it towards renting a place for us to live together and buying stuff to go in the place like a massive TV, laptops, and more. I'm not sure if I want people to watch us on our first time or even any time. I'm ready to have sex now. It's legal for us to have sex as age of consent is 16 but not legal to post new pics or vids till 18. He doesn't want to just stream us having sex on the first day that I can be seen naked online and we have our first time now. He says we'll get more people for both versions and he's already done an advert for it on his

computer to recognize, to start putting up on Twitter and Reddit. I'm using a throwaway as we're both on Reddit. I don't worry about him recognizing the stories. I doubt he knows there's more to Reddit than porn. What should I do? I really like him but I'm worried he's using me to make money even though he's including me in the ideas of how to spend the money. Oh boy.

So yikes. Did it say how long these people have been together? Uh a couple of months. Yeah so hey let me tell you right now he's not a virgin. Yeah probably not. And I'm going to bet

that he's probably also having sex with people. Here's the thing. This seems to me like no dude... How old are they? They're 16? 17 and 18. She's 17, he's 18. Okay, so I thought he was being like,

hey, let's wait two years before we have sex. No. But it's still, you know. Yeah, no, something tells me that this, like, nothing adds up here. No, not at all. In a good way. Yeah, like, something tells me this guy's probably just, like,

for whatever reason, like, some sort of, like, early 2000s American Pie-esque, like, bet. You know what I mean? Like, what's the little word they-esque, like, bet? You know what I mean? Like a... What's the little word they have to, like, turn the nerd into the hot girl? Like, whatever one that was. She's All That? Is that the movie? I don't know. I don't know. Something like that. But, yeah.

It seems really weird. It also sounds like if it wasn't for the fact that he was 18, and again, maybe he's not, it almost sounds like he's done this before and is trying to, like, just groom her to do it and then leave. Yeah, that's the vibe I'm getting, too.

There's a lot of stuff in here that seems really specific. Also, like, what 18-year-old boy is like, no, let's not fuck for a few months. Also, like, they're completely missing the whole point that, like, no one online if if if the rest of this made sense which it doesn't but let's pretend for a second that does no one's gonna know

whether you're a fucking virgin or not you can have sex now and still do it in may and no one would give a shit because no one knows and also most porn is like this person's first time and it definitely isn't because they're also in 17 other videos. You know? So, even that itself is fucking bizarre. Yeah, I mean, like, none of this, like, yeah, it just seems like it's just a guy

who probably already has a fucking Pornhub account with a bunch of already manipulated women. And the only reason he's waiting is so that she will literally be legal and he can't go to jail yeah yeah that's if the whole thing is like oh I

can't wait like ooh it'll be fun to do it for our first time it's like hey you know what like any virgin doesn't want to do it's film their first fucking time yeah like think of the pressure of having sex for the first time then imagine that one like everyone can see it and then two like they're gonna rate your

performance with money you know what i mean like it's it's technically your job for a minute like yeah i mean like what how confident do you have to be as a dude to be like i'm gonna fucking nail this so hard that people are gonna want to pay money for me because i promise you that does sound like typical male blind pride i mean i guess but like it's one way or the other it's it's massive fragile whatever or it's just blind unwarranted pride yeah i feel like there's very few dudes who would be like I have no concern about my first time I'm going to last long enough that people will want to watch also my technique is going to be

good that she's going to enjoy it also my like you know pre-care to make sure she's comfortable so that she you know isn't hating the entire experience like the whole thing I mean that's the whole the other thing is like you don't want thing, I mean, that's the whole other thing, is like, you don't want to do it. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the most important thing. Also, it's a terrible idea. Like, every single part of it. One, I will bet money this guy is, one, definitely not 18, he's older. Two, he's done this before. Three, the reason why he's not having sex with you is because it literally will be illegal

for him because he is older. So imagine it's like uh age you can send to 16 if you're within a year if you're under yeah under 18 yeah um and he's probably 26 or some weird shit uh on top of that it's like renting a place to live together you've seen each other for a few months and you're 17 no no yeah this this 100 yeah every single part of this is the worst yeah also you don't want it which is what you were saying which is no matter what the rest of it was even if it made sense even if it was good even this person sounded legit that's all the fucking matters you don't want to do it so don't and here my my worry at this point is like, he says, yeah, okay. And like,

he's gonna be like, oh, let's do it, do it at my house. Sets up a little hidden camera. Yeah. Does it fucking anyway. You know what I mean? Also,

just break up with this person because they sound so fucking sketchy. Yeah. There's nothing good about this person. Get the fuck out. Also, if it's been a few months,

you're not losing out on anything. It's not like, you know, you guys are high school sweethearts who've been together since you were like fucking 12. Mm-hmm. Because like, at least then you'd have a bit anything. It's not like, you know, you guys are high school sweethearts who've been together since you were, like, fucking 12. Mm-hmm. Because, like, at least then you'd have a bit of a know...

But, like, if you just met this dude, like you said, he's probably way older. He's definitely done this before. He's definitely, like, this is his, like, M.O. And I promise you, right now, he already has, like, a Pornhub account with really shitty fucking amateur porn of, like, you know, quote know quote unquote girls losing their first time yeah

just run and anyone who fetishizes losing their virginity this fucking much is already like pretty much guaranteed to be a bad lover oh yeah and also it's like if this like if he's so willing to wait months and months and months for you to lose

your virginity like if it means that much to him what's gonna happen to the and months for you to lose your virginity? Like, if it means that much to him, what's going to happen to the next day when you're not a virgin? That's the thing. It's like, okay, so now that I'm not a virgin, is it, like, what, yeah, what happens? What's your worth to him at that point? Where, like, if his

big get-rich scheme is to fuck you and take your virginity on camera, once you're not a virgin, hey, guess what? His scheme's done. Yeah, so, like, who's he going to go for next? Unless, of course, he's, like, you know, you then all of a sudden want to be porn stars. Like, that's really the only option at this point. You know what I mean?

It's like, if you and him have discussed it and been like, hey, we're going to be a porn couple. Great, cool, if that's what you want. Great. Cool. That's what you want. But it's very obviously not what you want. But also, guess what? No one's going to keep watching after they see your first time because it's going to be awkward and terrible. Yeah. And like no one's going to look at it and be like, that's fucking hot. Yeah.

Because I promise you there might be like 1% of the world whose first time is hot. Yeah. might be like one percent of the world whose first time is hot yeah it's gonna be awkward and like either he's gonna last way too long or way too short you know what i mean or you're all gonna glance the camera or like it's just not gonna be great no which is fine it's not meant to be you know i mean that's not a bad thing yeah like the the first time it's also like you're gonna be on video for your for the rest of your future like that can go badly especially for you more so than him because yeah you're you're fucking 18 yeah you're probably not even in college yet is is you know more slanted that

way where they will be shittier to uh they will all it takes the woman than the guy is for him to drunkenly send that to his friends, or worse, if you break up he shares it to your boss, or to your you know what I mean? Like, all it takes is one fucking click, like a split second and that's gonna ruin your life. Yeah. So don't do it.

Yeah, just don't. Alright, I say we call it. Yeah, let's do it. Thanks for tuning in, guys. I hope everyone's still doing alright. Hopefully this was listenable. I hope that this all turns out. I will try, call it. Yeah, let's do it. Thanks for tuning in, guys. I hope everyone's still doing all right. Hopefully this was listenable. I hope that this all turns out. I will try. If it doesn't, I'll try to salvage as much as we can.

But hopefully you guys can bear with us. Hopefully this has brought you some sort of entertainment and a little bit of normalcy to your life. Hopefully this is like a Monday where you can feel like something is still the same, and that is us, and that's our consistency. So hopefully we've given you that peace of mind. We may be out of the closet, but we are not out of your hearts.

Yeah. We're not out of ours anyway. We love you guys. We're going to try to maybe figure out how to do a live stream where we'll, we'll take live questions, um, and just some stuff while we're apart. It'll be a great way for Niall and I to hang out,

uh, and also include you guys in our shenanigans. Also, if you want to, I mean, I guess I'll do it now, you can follow us on Facebook at FCK Buddies Podcast, or you can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore Buddies. I think we're going to start, we might message

out our gamer tags, so if you want to add us to PSN and play some video games with us and just get a little bit of a social interaction, get a bit of a community feel going. Yeah, head us up. We'll be around. We just got the new Call of Duty which is free.

Yay for doing stuff that is not going to break the bank. Also, if you guys want a free e-book, I know Tor, the publishing company, they just released a free ebook for their like book club of the month and it's a really good sci-fi novel that's uh i i really enjoyed so you know if you got an e-reader i think you can even read it on your computer but just fucking

go do that i guess yeah and i know uh if you if you enjoy your stuff now's a great time you've got a bunch of free hand and free time on your hands uh check out Tickle.Life and look at some of the stuff they've got. They've got a bunch of other sex and dating podcasts. They have a bunch of sexual health podcasts. And just a shit ton of resources to sort of read and enjoy and consume. They just did one about COVID-19. If you're not already sick of fucking seeing and reading about it. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities,

for your song, Paper Stars. As always, great song. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? Yeah, that's kind of why I dipped out a little bit. I was finding it. Perfect. So this is one I found while reading. This is not from some online conglomerate.

This is some fresh shit right out the box. Ooh. So this is by Marlon James and the novel is Black Leopard, Red Wolf. And he said, this man is my master. And she said, there is no master and no slave, only what you want, what you desire, and what stands in your way. And when he Jesus. Jesus. until he yelled and burst a spray of man milk that hit her in the face and knocked her back four steps. Jesus. That is, that's a powerful man milk. That's,

some might say the most powerful man milk. I also like how four steps, not just a step or some steps, exactly four. Man. Yeah. I mean, that's,

that's, that's like three feet. That's pretty intense, honestly. Um, so, I mean, that's like three feet. That's pretty intense, honestly. So, you know, if anyone wants to send us their man milk step rating over the next week, don't. Yeah, here's the thing. Start just fucking bursting on your lady and see how far you can knock her back. Yeah, if anyone can beat

four feet, or four steps, we are going to need video proof. Yeah, if anyone can beat four feet, or four steps, we're impressed. We are going to need video proof. No, God, no. Please don't. Yeah, so funny. And then to finish

this off, I managed to find in a clutch moment a Pornhub comment. This comes from a Pornhub user and you know what? This person's fucking doing the real work. It's real Play-Doh. And he says,

As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have, least with are the greatest babblers. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. And we got your back. We love you. stay safe out there.

Wash your hands.