F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 80 - Flushing Your Gage Stash

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

We've officially declared this week a NOVID-Nonteen episode.  We don't talk about the recent unpleasantness and get back to what we're meant to do: serve up the best sex and dating advice you can find on the Internet.  Also, thanks for your patience while we sort out our remote recording issues and we're happy to announce we're back at full quality and maximum boi-energy.  Topics include jealous of dog cuddles, yappy women, how to know you're in love, is there such a thing as too much sex, desiring more little kisses, discovering masturbation, every man's worst Gage nightmare.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And my name is Niall Spain And we are your fuck buddies. And finally, we are good sounding fuck buddies.

Hopefully, yeah. I got a brand new mic because we just can't give you guys a shoddy product. I know. We started not great. Then we got better last week. And now we should be operating at full boy energy capacity now. Which is dangerous. So, gird your earloins.

And maybe just loosen up a bit. Get a little limber. Ooh. That sounded really condescending. Loosen up a bit. Maybe smile more while you're at it. Hey. Hey, calm down.

Yeah, let's fucking... How are you doing? I've been talking to you all day i don't know why i'm asking this question i know we've been hunting big monster boys on dauntless all day it's true it's true i'm living that fucking isolate well no never mind it's no vid none teen no of that thing that is happening we're not talking about it we're not talking about it today is just a normal monday you. No vid nuntine. Let's fucking move on swiftly. You want me to go? Yeah, let's do it. Let's just get right into it.

Why not? This is by user Abendelecrem35. Boyfriend blowing me off to spoon with his dog? My 22 year old female boyfriend, 22 year old male, has recently told me he's been letting his dog sleep on his bed, which is fine, but I found out he's been spooning with his dog in the morning. I was particularly annoyed when he declined coming over to my place so he could cuddle his dog in the morning. Am I being replaced? The other day he suggested a three-way spoon with me and his dog. What the fuck? This is so troubling.

Is it? Yes. Pourquoi? Pourquoi? is it yes pourquoi because like it doesn't sound like it's like if it was just a thing like i cuddle oliver all the time and i cuddle my cat my girlfriend's cat all the time which is fine it's cool to do it but it's like dogs but to make an event you know what i mean like i'm not i i never i you know when i was not living with amanda at no point in time was i ever like oh sorry can't come over i'm cuddling my cat now the thing is

is he making an event or is she making an event because like you know it could be like oh you want to come over and him be like oh sorry like i'm just cuddling my dog right now i'm not getting out of bed kind of thing. And instead of her taking it as like, yeah, I'm tired. Because, like, let's be fair. You wake up, you're having a good fucking dog cuddle in the bed. Like, I'm not going to lie. I don't want to leave.

So maybe instead of taking it in the gist it was meant to, which is that, you know, he was tired. She's blaming this dog. Because I mean, I don't know. I don't know if she's blaming the dog. I think she's being like, what the hell is this dude doing? But like, who doesn't want a cute dog cuddle? Like, this guy's doing God's work. Why should you be worried about it? But where's, what's, what, okay.

Describe the format of the three-way cuddle. Just come get in bed with me and my dog will be there. No, he's saying spoon. Yeah, well, you on one side, him in the middle, her somewhere else, and then the dog. I don't know why you're there. Yeah, what am I doing there? I wasn't invited. You're a pervert, that's why. You're just holding your cats and watching like you like to do.

Yeah, just sitting in a dark room, dark corner, smoking a cigarette. You smoke now. I like it. Only when I'm being a creep. That's fair. So always. Not saying that voyeurism is creepy. It is if you're not invited.

That is true. That is a crime. And if you're suggesting it, that's fair. That is the nicest way to phrase that. It's just uninvited voyeurism yeah um honestly i feel like she's being weird about this she could be i i don't know for me it depends on like how it's all going down if someone was like hey like i'm sorry i'm cuddling my dog right now i'd be like fuck yeah like i wouldn't be like am i being replaced why why do

you care about this dog more than me because like on top of the fact that he should care about his dog more than you it's like it's a it's the morning it's like get get over it people don't want to get out of bed if they're comfy yeah and then was it like did she invite him over in the morning or did he not come over the night before because he wanted to cuddle his dog in the see that's the thing right if because that that's a crazy thing to do oh you know what i think i miss i think i kind of like misread you're right it says i annoyed when he declined coming over to my place so he could cuddle his dog in the morning i figured he declined in the morning that's no no i think he's like no sorry i have plans with my dog in the morning okay and then it's like oh hey actually you know what i want to cuddle this

dog so bad that the only way that you're gonna see me is if you have a three-way cuddle with my dog yeah but okay if he's planning it like that that's a little strange unless it's just like his weird way of saying like i don't want to leave my dog alone which is fair i guess you know but but you can say that true he's making this expressly like about physical contact with his dog maybe it's a joke and she's taking it wrong because i can't imagine a normal human saying that which could be the case that's the thing i'm erring on the side of like him being sane that could be entirely wrong i'm using the information that i have available to me and yes we never have the full story but if if it's going down the way that she's saying it's

going down there's something not right but also why is she weird about going over for a three-way cuddle because not gonna lie someone invites me over for a cuddle with a dog, I'm down. Again, but like... Basically, I love dogs. That's the point of this question. I also love dogs. No, Dan, I think the audience knows you don't. I've had dogs since I've grown up.

Until I moved out of my parents' house, it's the only time I haven't had a dog. I don't know. So I grew up with dogs. I love dogs. You ran away from the place that had dogs, didn't you? But I've also dated women who put a heavy emphasis on their dog to the point where it is uncomfortable. Yeah. No, I think you are right. If this guy is literally scheduling dog cuddle dates to the point where he's blowing off like plans that's weird that is

definitely strange it i think if you're if you're refusing romantic slash physical intimate contact with a human being in order and replacing it with even if it's platonic cuddles with your dog hopefully platonic cuddles with the dog why did you even have to introduce that thought well i don't know he does fucking mention a three-way so man like what are the odds this guy's fucking his dog because it's a possibility it's it's it might not like and again it could just be one of those things where it's like, or is it her boyfriend? Yes. Okay. I was going to say, if it was a more casual thing,

it might just be his way, like blowing her off. But like, yeah, to be someone you're in a relationship with, it still could be. Is it a new dog? Has he always had this dog? Has he always been weird with the dog?

I don't know. Yeah. The first comment is, are you jealous of his dog? And she says, I think so. And then someone says, how attractive is the dog? She said eight out of 10. And someone says, well, you must be a seven. So that's mean. Yeah. I mean, I think this is a time where you might actually have to be like, hey, I'm cool with your dog. Your dog's cool as hell. But you seem to be replacing physical affection towards me with physical affection towards your dog.

Yeah. Or even just be like, look, if you need to take care of your dog, that's fine. But you need to tell me those parameters. You can't just be like, I'm going to cuddle my dog and cancel our plans. Because that's not cool. Yeah. It's's like i can't be the backup to your dog cuddles and also like if there's another reason behind it like if he doesn't want to go over for like you know maybe he doesn't sleep well there or maybe he doesn't like their her place or you know any other reason like don't use your dog as a crutch don't use as an excuse like be honest about the issue yeah yeah anyway just strange don't don't be weird

guys but also be weird cuddle those dogs if you got a chance um this comes from reddit user court mueller 888 is it true that guys aren't attracted to funny women i hear people talk about this and i was just wondering how men feel about it i guess funny women are considered yappy yeah i hate funny women i can't stand a sense of humor exactly like no one wants like thing is you think of a relationship and like the last thing you want is to laugh with them right like that's what friends are for like do they not get it like i have like i have a thing in my apartment a little square you know a little little square painting that i hang up and it just says live love yeah exactly and then the other bit is scratched out in blood just to underline it yeah um with the with the blood of the last woman that

made me laugh with her yappiness that's the thing as well it's like why can't they just make you laugh any other way than yapping i know man i feel bad even making these jokes uh this is ridiculous i'm sorry yeah a funny woman is the best like funny people in general it's like there's a reason we like comedy and everyone jokes about almost everything like comedy is like the fucking lifeblood of people why would you not want that in your relationship yeah and it's like it's cool if like someone's comedy isn't your brand of humor yeah that's fine that happens but to like straight out say that like we don't like i don't like funny women that doesn't even make sense it's a crazy thing to say yeah it makes no sense to me because like what this reads to me is the guys that are saying this are afraid of

women who are like confident mentally sharp and have like have a quick wit yeah you know what i mean like they want someone who's just gonna like back down and be quiet yes uh and that person sounds like dudes who are from the 50s yes yeah no it's it's horrendous uh no like a funny person is the best and the thing is this doesn't even make sense because as you said there's so many different types of fucking humor like you could be witty you could be dry you could be silly you could be goofy you could be like anything so to just say i don't like people who are funny also like the fact that you find them funny means that you by definition do like it doesn't even make sense yeah yeah i don't know if it's

like quote unquote like yeah oh like other people consider you like you know uh i want to say amy poehler but it's not amy poehler who's the blonde one that's terrible? Do you know who I'm talking about? No. She's so fucking bad. Amy. You want Tomi Lahren? She's blonde and terrible. No, but she's not a comedian.

She's a news pundit. Yeah, is she even? She's just an asshole. Well, that's pretty much what a news pundit is. What the hell is her name amy amy schumer um like are we are we look is that what we're defining as like a quote-unquote funny woman well it goes like i get that some people i don't find schumer i can't stand amy that's fine you see different strokes different folks but like you can't um like isu. That's fine. See, different strokes, different folks. But, like, you can't... Like, I assume...

Yeah, I guess that has nothing to do with me as a man not liking her because she's funny. No, not at all. You don't like her because you don't find her funny. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is ridiculous. And, like, anyone seriously considering this,

it's super sad. And, like, don't let whatever shit person told you this to like firstly if anyone says you're yapping or yappy like you should bite them like like a yappy dog would because they don't deserve to have unbroken skin unless you're being yappy no anyone who even uses that term unless you're like i know these are really yapping like for some reason maybe you're trying to like communicate during your three-way cuddle with the dog and you're yapping to them sure then you could be described as yappy that's about it they're like when when i hear the word yappy i imagine a like muppet 40 year old man like 40 to 50 year old man in a suit that doesn't really fit him

perfectly and like you know just like a sheen of hair gel and just like a waft of like olive garden off him and he's storming out of the house in the morning leaving her with the kids so he can go and like pay for sex and he's just like you yeah you just yeah too much yeah do cocaine and an applebee's oh yeah if anyone says that to you what they're really saying is they are not confident and they don't like to realize that it goes with it goes with this like anytime anyone's like men don't like women with glasses men don't like yeah you know like any time this group of people don't like this type of person is the person who is making that statement that declaration is revealing their own either bias or prejudice and also at the same time like their own insecurity yeah for whatever

reason like guys who because i read another one where it's like i was told that men don't like women with glasses it's and i was just like what are you talking about generalization yeah it's cool maybe yeah it's like maybe one dude or a few dudes aren't into classes that's fine you know what i mean like everyone's got. Yeah. I'm not super into like a shit ton of facial piercings, but like facial hair. I was like, um, but like, I'm not going to say that there aren't people out there that don't find that

attractive. And if you did, that would be madness. Like literally go onto porn hub and Google any sort of like physical descriptor. And you're going to find pages and pages of porn because people want to watch that yeah to physically like you know pleasure themselves too there is there are people out there who will find anything attractive yeah and also like i think the bare fact of like saying oh like men don't find is it's kind of like you're not even confident enough to admit

it yourself so you're just like brushing off the responsibility. It's like, oh shit, nothing to do with me. Take it up with men. Take it up with all men. Like, I'm sorry. I'm just one man. Like, you got to fucking get like a group together. I got the meadow or the memo in our Facebook group chat of the men.

Adam Micatron. The men chat. And they just said, hey guys, women with glasses and funny women. Yeah, table that's the thing off the table what uh tina fey get out of here oh god she's actually the most unattractive woman in the world because she is both those things i know and she's yapped at some point i know she has oh my god yeah she's definitely yapped uh even if it was an snl skit well's the thing. I bet there's actually probably a clip somewhere. And I think that's very funny. Tina Fey's great, by the way.

Tina Fey's a babe. Just for anybody who thinks we're actually being serious. I hate that I always feel the need to be like, this is jokes. But this is jokes. I feel at this point. People, I think people know. I know, but I would hate that someone would be their first episode and they're like, man, these guys suck. And it's like, you can think we suck if it's for reasons that aren't us.

When we're being serious, that's fine. But, yeah. What else? You logged on to man chat a minute ago. What's the newest thing that we hate? Women whose jeans don't match up perfectly with their butts, like the back pockets. Okay. They're out.

Bangs, unfortunately. I'm a big bangs guy, so that really hurts me, but bangs. Well, wait, dang. You got bangs? You're out. Men don't like bangs. Yeah, no, I know. Okay, I just...

It sounds... I don't know. It was this crazy thing where it sounded like you said that you liked them, but you are man. Oh, I did prior to getting the memo. Now, I don't. Now, they're out. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. Fuck. this crazy thing where it sounded like you said that you liked them but you are man oh i i did prior to getting the memo now i don't good now they're all yeah yeah no fuck i thought i don't even know what the what the punishment is because no man has ever gone against will of man obviously i know or else god forbid we'd have funny women with glasses oh god um now funny one with bangs don't have sorry zoe deschanel you're out too

yeah all these statistically hated women for being so unattractive uh yeah i can't even i can't even keep going with this joke this is all all bullshit anyone who says that to you yeah sucks so hard that you just need to leave them yeah the the point i wanted to make was was what i said earlier, where it's like it's all biased and filtered through someone else's, like, and there might be regional preferences, you know what I mean? Like, you might live in an area

where, you know, people like a certain thing, and it might seem that because they like them that they don't like X. And that's, you could look at, like, all sorts of societal reasons why men in certain areas are groomed to prefer certain women um but like it's not a universal thing like men don't like there there isn't like a type that men like and don't like because you'll find a dude

who's into you know curvier women taller women shorter women like there's yeah there's a there's a flavor for everyone and unfortunately uh if if it's not if someone before you is not your favorite that you don't get to like decide that men don't like you yeah that's and like there is no blanket statement like at all there is no men don't x you know what i mean i think that like the second you hear the phrase oh men don't like you just whatever the next like adjective and noun is just just cut it out or it's like you know oh people don't like x you know what i mean yeah i once uh i was i was dating a woman for a while and she had a very large bottom and all like like as she grew up to cut her out of the condo large? I mean, it was getting there.

Like, growing up, her, all the female members of her family constantly told her that, like, no guy likes that. No guy wants that. Did they never hear that one famous song that everyone's heard? He cannot lie. Why would he, why would they not trust that? I mean, hell, even if that's like a generational gap queen had a song called fat bottom girl yeah you know what like i don't understand the rock and world go round niall it's like people always focus on the fact that he likes

big butts but they never focus on how hard it must be going through life and being unable to lie like he likes big butts but he also cannot lie like those are two defining characteristics and everyone always talks it's a tough life man yeah like i don't know man he's terrible firstly i think that might be his his deflection i don't think i don't think that's a trouble for him i think he made that song so people would stop making him tell the truth no but now everyone just knows yeah but like oh you can't lie about the butt thing yeah it's like's like, yeah, for sure. It's like that was him, once again, not being able to lie about not being able to lie. You know, he had to tell people that he couldn't lie, but he had to do it in a way where people wouldn't think. It's just so hard.

I think Sir Mistletoe was craftier than you think. Oh, so he was driven by his urge to tell the truth, to tell everyone he could not lie. And he masked it by telling another bigger truth, literally and figuratively, about those giant booties. Exactly. Oh, my God. I never give him enough credit. He's a genius. It's true.

All right, hit me with another question. I don't know what the hell we're talking about anymore. While you're on man chat there, I got another one for you. Okay. This is by uburner8807. What do guys do when they fall in love slash start liking someone? What do guys do when they fall in love slash start liking someone what do guys do when they fall in love slash start liking someone what do they think about how do they act i'm just asking

out of curiosity lol because i'm pretty sure it's different from the way a girl would think this post isn't really a priority so if there's another post that needs more attention please answer that one first before answering this one i really appreciate that yeah like this guy just being like oh oh no, I know this is bullshit. Like, I just, let's get this out of the way.

This is dumb as shit. So, well, not dumb, just not priority. And like, you're allowed to answer one, but you do have to come back

and answer this one, which is why I saved it for second. But I just love how they're like, it's almost like being in a hospital, being like, look, I'm injured, but go save that life

before you come back to me. But do come back to me because I am bleeding out. I do have a broken finger, but there is a guy who's been shot. So deal with that. But I also do need this fixed. Definitely, you have to start lying to things about your friends. Like, your friends can't know that you have emotions. Oh, 100%.

Other than anger. You're allowed to be angry. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. You need to start creatively channeling this happiness into an expressible form of anger. Like, maybe punch a hole in the wall if you can. Alternatively, you can brag about fucking someone. Oh, yeah.

Like, you have to, like delay the the thing of being like oh no i actually kind of like this person it has to be specifically about sex all the time be like nah man she got a fat ass and i'm tapping that every night and the thing is that you can never ever tell them like they can find out and if they find out then like the game is up and like you're all like they'll accept you and it'll turn out that you know you didn't need to do it the whole time but the thing is you do up until that point because otherwise then why would you have had to you know what i mean that'd be crazy so the thing is you there's another thing that we all all do and that's uh you act cool close the

door lean against the door slide down the door do a little dance on the ground every time yeah every every time there's a door that we can block ourselves from view uh every guy every guy unless of course you're a woman with glasses or a bangs or bangs or humor in which case just close the door and cry because we were near you for so long yeah that just about covers it i mean that that does it um no like again this is the inherent problem with this is like i can go and say anything here i can say what i do i can say what i think people should do i could say what someone i know does that does not mean that men do it there is no there is no fucking yardstick i'm thinking like this is like a one-way track to getting hurt

because you're gonna start judging things with these broad strokes that don't make any sense so when someone isn't falling like strictly into that parameter or are doing something different you're gonna start getting upset yeah and it's like it would be like saying how do you how do you get happy yeah how do you get angry it's like my anger is completely different than someone else's thing yeah my just happens to get very very quiet yeah my anger just happens when i'm trying to pretend i don't like someone around my male friends you know um yeah so it's like you're you can't put parameters and you can't put like this is how this is yeah especially about emotions because arguably that is sort of like what makes humans kind of unique is it's the fact that we have these really complex and unpredictable emotion but you can get four people in the room show them the same thing and they'll all act differently depending on the

thing i mean some people might find something funny other people might find it yappy well if by other people you mean men men yes um but yeah i mean like this thing it's like everyone has reacts differently to different stimuli. So it's like whether it's something as grand as falling in love or something as simple as, like, what you find funny or, like, what makes you happy, it's never going to be the same for the same two people. It's like saying, what food do men eat? Yeah.

Like, get five men and they're all going to eat different food, presumably. You know what I mean? And again, all those things are society. Like, any sort of, like, it's either coincidence that people like the same thing or it's been ingrained. Like, there's a, I can't remember the name of the documentary, but it's the vegan documentary on Netflix. I think it's Game Changers. And they show, like, the ads from the 80s for like Burger King and all that stuff and it's like real men eat meat real men have a big burger and it's like that's just what these people have like grown up being told being like no no men

many big burgers um so it's like I like those are the those are the only times you'll find trends in what quote-unquote men do is things when society has ingrained it into them. So yeah, just don't try for these generalizations and just take things as they come. Because we can't answer that question. Is this a guy or a girl asking that question? I do not know. It doesn't say. Yeah, because that's interesting like if if it's a woman is she then going to be looking for the signs of like what men do oh and if it's a guy maybe he's like shit do i yeah he's like he's like well maybe i'm in love

like i don't know it's interesting to know who would be like trying to like what they're doing with this information i assumed it was the former but if it's a would be trying to, what they're doing with this information. I assumed it was the former, but if it's a guy just trying to figure out if he's in love, that's kind of adorable. Yeah. Kind of sad. This comes from Designer Record. Is there such a thing as too much sex?

Men, can a woman want too much sex from you? Is it a bad thing if she's coming on to you every night slash every other night? Man, we are all about the generalizations today yes yes we are everybody has a different sex drive some people that probably isn't enough sex some people that's just so much more sex also like what about like asexuals the question is is there such a thing as too much sex yes there definitely is i once had so much sex in a day that my dick was in so much pain by the end of it like i literally had sex the last time like just for the sake of it just to like hit a predetermined number that we came up with and like my dick hurt like it was deep tissue bruising. Yeah. It was not good. And like,

we took care, like we use condoms and we use lube. And like, it was like, if we hadn't done that, I don't know if it would have survived. I mean, yes,

there's definitely, sorry. There is, there is a cap. And again, it's different for everyone. Yeah. It's like,

for me, I would say like two or three times in a short duration. And I am sore. And like that's just that's just how it like I don't want to do it any more than that. Yeah, it just it just isn't going to be fun for me anymore. And I meant and it's like everyone has a different tolerance for pain and for what their bodies can handle. What you're saying, I think, is a little bit more online of what they're asking. What you said at the beginning where it's like yes everyone everyone's sex drives are different so like what

you might think is an appropriate amount of sex uh might be you know sort of a stretch for someone else you gotta lead up to sex too sometimes people forget that guys don't just immediately want you know you'll just be like hey you want to have sex sometimes that works if it's like a constant thing sometimes you gotta like work up to it. Sometimes people are sleepy. I don't know. It all depends on the person. Yeah.

It's definitely one of those things where it's like there is a limit your body can take for sex. And it will know. You'll know. Like it will hurt and it will suck and it will no longer like. Sex is an amazing thing and it's super fun and it's very, very it will no longer, like, sex is an amazing thing, and it's super fun, and it's very, very pleasurable, when done correctly. Yep. When it stops being those things, when it stops being fun, and when it stops being pleasurable,

you know you've had too much sex. Yeah. And there's no harm in saying, even if it is, like, depending on, there were times where, like, I would be with someone, and they would want to go for round two. And I'd be like, I'm sorry, but I'm tapped out. I can't do another one. And it's usually those marathon sessions where it's not.

You go for a really long time. You're like, I'm burnt out. It's a muscle. You know what I mean? It's working. Yeah, you don't want that dick egg like that's that's not fun so i think it's like i could power through it but i also then don't want to like nobody hurt every time i get hard to feel like their partner is not enjoying it either

you know what i mean and like god forbid then it does hurt too much or you're thinking about it too much or whatever and then you don't finish. And then they internalize that. And then the whole thing is worse than if you had just not done it at all. So, yes, there is, of course, too much sex. And the fact that this person is asking that question probably means they don't believe that there is or think that this person has, like, either something wrong with them or an ulterior motive, which is kind of shitty well it seems like he's he's on the receiving end because she he says what happens if she's coming on to me every night every other night so i think he might be like i need a break yeah no exactly what oh so wait he's asking i thought she was asking no no it's it's uh oh maybe it is i there's no again there's no because like if she's asking it seems to me like

she doesn't believe him when he's saying that there's too much you know what i mean like he she doesn't believe there's a limit which is kind of unfair to this poor man's bruised meat yeah there's definitely a limit though guys and everyone has different like even just like some days yeah you're super horny some days like maybe it's not happening for you yeah you know these things can change so you gotta gotta be kind to people's bruised meat Some days, you're super horny. Some days, like, maybe it's not happening for you. Yeah. You know, these things can change. So you got to be kind to people's bruised meat. So this is by ThrowRALittleKisses.

My 21-year-old male flatmate, 20-year-old male, keeps giving me little kisses when he thinks I'm asleep. How do I ask him to do it when I'm awake too? Okay. Got you with that one, huh? All right. I'm going to call him Jake to make it easier. So we met because we're in the same course.

We needed flatmates when we moved out of halls in second year. Generally pretty different, but we get on like a house on fire. I couldn't have asked for a cooler flatmate. He's a physically affectionate guy in general. Huge hugger. Will casually put his arm around me or his friends when sitting side by side. I think we all know the sort of thing I mean. I'm not as much that way as he is because I was kind of raised in a men don't hug kind of household where physical affection was rarely given, if at all.

But I'm cool with him being like that and kind of appreciate it. We all need a hug sometimes. So we're staying home a lot lately and both elected to stay at our flat instead of going home to our families. Him because of, well, that's stuff we're not going to talk about, you know, with the... The current unpleasantness. Yes. So current unpleasantness,

they're staying home a lot. He has a condition that means he's incredibly tired slash sleepy a lot and as such has a funky sleeping pattern. Basically most days he has to force himself to get up in the morning, take a nap or sometimes a couple in the day and go to bed at a reasonable

but not too early time so he gets enough sleep but not too much. Helps keep his fatigue in check and stops him from literally sleeping 15 hours a day at a time. He has good days and bad days, it's relevant he promises. When he takes his midday nap, he usually does on the sofa in the living room because it's far easier to get up earlier afterwards than if he just naps in his bed. Jake is generally up when he takes his naps but has said he's fine with it if he's here because they're generally only 30 to 60 minutes, and I'm a heavy sleeper and prefer a bit of background noise while I sleep anyway. Since the current unpleasantness, he's been here every day. He's been accommodating and sweet. Our living room can get cold, so if I fall asleep without a blanket,

he'll pop one over me so I don't freeze. It started out like that. I'd fall asleep without a blanket, I'd wake up with one. Another time, he was playing with my hair, which I actually loved more than I thought I ever would. Very soothing. Then a week ago, I guess he thought I was asleep because before he took the blanket over me, he gave me a little kiss on my forehead. Now, this isn't the first time he kissed me. He's very physically affectionate with everyone. He doles out kisses on the cheek. However, this felt different, much more intimate and loving, and I liked it. I really liked it, to the point where I've literally been pretending to fall asleep sooner than I'm actually ready to in the hopes he'll do it again, which he has been, sometimes he strokes my cheek or my hair a little bit too much, which oh my god that's even better,

I don't know what this means, I consider myself mostly straight, not too sure how he identifies, but as far as I'm aware he's been with both men and women in about equal numbers. I don't know if this is a thing of me being attracted to him, he is very good looking, but I've never thought of him being attractive, or what, but I'd kinda like to be okay with it, slash like it if he gave me these forehead kisses while I'm awake too. I don't know how to describe it. It's very comforting, soothing, however, as I've mentioned, I was raised in a context where physical affection was a rarity and only reserved when something bad happened and I was upset. How do I approach him without it being weird?

Okay. This is a lot sweeter than I thought this question was going to be. I know. I read the first bit and I was like, oh my... You know, it's like, I'm not going to lie. They had us in the first half. So it's tough to be like, hey, I would like you to kiss me more. I think the simple solution here is when he does it just

casually wake up yeah and just and just be like oh hey and then like if he gets like oh i'm sorry you can be like no no that's i actually really enjoy it yeah and then it's like you know what i mean you don't have to bring it up you have to make it weird if it's caught in the act quote unquote it's it's it's there you know what i mean it doesn't need to be brought up exactly it's it's like, you know what I mean? You don't have to bring it up. You don't have to make it weird. If it's caught in the act, quote unquote, it's there. You know what I mean? It doesn't need to be brought up. Exactly. It's up.

It is, yeah. It's up. It's up. And then you can literally say like, hey, actually, I really like that. And then you guys can maybe, you know, discuss the parameters of what you want to do going forward um because i don't know if it's something that like you would like more kisses as in like more intimate kisses um if you want to pursue something sexually or if it because like if he's cool with kissing you on the forehead and and playing with your hair and that's what you like then you're not asking anything yeah

more of him you know like he's already doing it no problem kissing you on the forehead because he's doing it and secondly i assume he is hoping you'd like it because if he's doing it hoping you don't that's real fucked up yeah so it's like a worst case scenario he's aware that you like it and doesn't feel like he needs to sneak around and best case scenario you've you've got the things that you want like you're now you got kisses on tap yeah now you're gonna get the head kisses and the head tickles and the hair scratches and stuff like that like that's great and it's and it's consensual you've both agreed to it so no one really has to be fucking weird about it you can

just be like this is a thing that we do and it's like it might be a tough thing to explain to someone else if it ever needs to be explained but it doesn't it doesn't really matter yeah because it's it's it's your relationship yeah yeah no i 100 agree like if you're awake when this happens you can just be like you don't even need to open your eyes you just be like oh that's nice and you can even yeah like follow that up with like oh i thought you did it like the other day or like i wasn't sure if it was a dream or like yeah i really liked it then too or anything you just be like you can even jokingly just be like hey you don't just have to do that when i'm asleep like lol you know like yeah this person i would assume is not again doing this out of malice so

yeah if they know that would be the weirdest way to go about it malicious forehead kisses and hair because i hate this you don't even know what's happening but you're gonna wake up and your head's gonna feel wrong so yeah just like you know that's the easiest way to do it because like otherwise it's like when do you bring it up you like in the middle of lunch like hey i was actually awake the other day but didn't say anything about it i didn't for the last three days but now i'm bringing it up like that's that's awkward yeah i mean like you can also when he kisses just say thank you and like can i have one more yeah because like there you go you've acknowledged that you like it and i'll show you what more yeah and it's playful like no one's gonna get like weird like it and acknowledge that you want more. Yeah. And it's playful. Like no one's going to get like weird about it.

And like this person's the one doing it. He's not going to be like, whoa, you like this? You fucking weirdo. I mean, maybe. I hope not. I hope not. This is maybe our sweetest question we've ever gotten. I don't know.

Yeah. I think it's lovely. Yeah. And it's like, again, we've talked about it briefly or in depth. I can't remember. But we've definitely talked about where it's like, don't worry about it briefly or in depth i can't remember but we we've definitely talked about where it's like don't worry about the labels of straight and gay or bi or whatever like if if this feels right to you and this is something you want to explore

don't worry about being like i always thought of myself as straight it doesn't matter those those labels are are great to identify yourself in the broader world but if it's just going to be you guys right now just just let it be and then if you really need to you can figure it out later also if you like it you like it it doesn't matter what it's called yeah exactly that's that's the point it's like you don't need to like i think a lot of people end up getting holed up or or not proceeding with things that actually might be really healthy and really uh good for them because they they've got it in their mind that like oh i'm i'm straight and i don't know if i'm gay yeah because like it doesn't matter if if you just want one kiss or kisses from this one singular man does that make you bisexual does it make you pansexual does it make you gay i don't know but

it also doesn't matter it's like imagine if you were like eating a really nice sandwich and someone's like oh yeah that's called you know that's called a cuba i'm really excited that's called a cubano and she's like oh shit i can't have cubanos my heart belongs to ham and cheese isn't that cubano shit i don't know either way you know what i mean it's like if the food's good does it matter what it's called yes like are you turned off like oh wait this is called an onion oh i don't like that word it's like yeah but you just ate five onions bud and you're loving it what but if they're called onions yeah or like you know if you have a sandwich this is delicious

like oh it's actually vegan they're like well i'm a meat eater how people do that though i know yeah but it's it's no less ridiculous uh it the food's good just eat it yeah if you're enjoying the sandwich kisses just keep eating them sandwich kisses his lips yeah his lips with your forehead it's adorable this is the fucking lovely content we need to see from that thing we're not talking about. I know this is the wholesome stuff. This is the good stuff. The things that make my heart warm. This comes from Reddit user Proper Torb.

Help about masturbation. Hell yeah. I'm a 21 year old male. I go to university second year and I recently discovered how to pleasure myself as a way to encounter all the stress I have. But it quickly became an almost daily activity, and I find it really disturbing. Should I be worried even

more? It's a nice thing, but I don't want it. Aww. I don't like that they're like, should I be worried even more? Which just shows that they're already worried. Yeah. Like, masturbation is fine it's normal it's healthy to a degree i think almost daily is definitely not a worrying amount yeah especially

when it's like you're 21 you've never masturbated before yeah you know what i mean it's like it's it's like never having a candy before and then somebody unlocking the door to the candy shop and being like, go fucking wild. You're going to eat all of the candy. Also, you're going to get diabetes. And I think that's where you're going is there is a limit. So the thing is, it's like with the candy shop, like you're probably going to do some bad shits if you haven't had candy before. Your tummy's not going to be happy. You're going to have headaches. You're going to be fast tracking towards diabetes but guess what masturbation is none of those things unless you decide to go so much so that you just like deaden your meat which to be fair we all gave it a fair

shot when we were kids and it's still going so like you've got some fucking some ways to go yeah i mean like there's there are risks to like physically damaging yourself um and mostly in the short term like if you jerk off too much you can rub yourself raw you can uh you know cause cause skin issues down there uh potentially even tearing if you're not doing it correctly so today is the day of generalizations and dick bruising yeah that's all we're talking about take some time if you're new to it you know enjoy it go go nuts um if you start feeling uh discomfort if you start hurting if you feel raw if you feel tender maybe give it a couple days relax and don't be afraid to like look up online and make sure that the way you're doing it is like the right way for you you know what i mean

like they're like fuck the first time i had a wank i was i didn't even know what i was doing i was like i was real young and i hurt myself that was not fun actually the second time i hurt myself first time was so great but i didn't know what i'd done it was mad so yeah don't do that i think i think the things the the dangers you have to look at isn't isn't masturbation itself it's things like disassociation yeah it's it's things where suddenly realizing that like you require it um and let's be honest you're probably watching porn while you're doing it um and if you're not you're you're probably imagining someone you know or there's there's a lot of dissociation that can happen with masturbation where you can start dehumanizing women that you know or men that you know or people that you know where like they suddenly just become like an object of sexual desire or object of sexual like use, which can be really dangerous mentally and socially. You can also, like Niall said, develop porn addiction,

where you end up becoming dependent on it. And this will, I'm going to guess that you're probably a virgin. And it can really screw up future sexual relationships because you will end up being like, well, the only sexual context you have is porn which is performative which we've talked about before and then trying to transplant that into a real life relationship uh it's not going to go well yeah if you're aware enough that like porn is not real and you're taking care of yourself physically like those are two really good steps to make

sure that you're on the right track other than that like what would be the the danger zones or the worries i guess if like masturbation starts to come before like important things in your life like if you're staying home to masturbate instead of going out with your friends or like yeah skipping class to masturbate yeah like you know i or starting to fight and find yourself like jerking off in public because yeah you know you need to clear your head exactly i feel like those are like the danger signs um if you're just having a wank and doing a lot like welcome you know what we said there's generalizations but i guess this is probably one of the more true ones because most men have been

there yeah that's a that's a more shared experience than hating funny women i fucking tell you that much yeah it's uh it's important to to like balance the things and be like i i get it you're probably scared as fuck because like as a 21 year old just figuring this out it's you're you're a lot more aware of the world whereas like when you're a teenager your hormones are just like you know you are the center of the world. Whereas like when you're a teenager, your hormones are just like, you know, you are the center of the universe and what's happening right now currently is the center of the universe. Um,

so like you don't really have the, the worldly knowledge, but like as a 21 year old, you've, you've, you're out, you're in college, you,

you know, things you've heard things you've seen things. So like all of a sudden to be like, so self-aware of what you're doing i feel like is it's kind of scary also i feel like usually if you're coming to it late there's probably like a reason to it you know like and that reason is probably like i don't know maybe religious or societal in nature depending where you're from i remember i felt guilty the first like when i was doing it when i was a kid because i thought like i don't know i'd get fucking punished or like jesus would like hurt my family like legit though

like i honestly like felt guilty about it and like if something bad happened i was like shit is it because i did that didn't last very long thankfully because i wasn't stopping so but like you know there were these like super irrational like irrational, like, thoughts. And, like, I don't even come from, like, a super strongly religious family. So, like, I can understand, like, where the guilt and, like, the fear comes from. But, like, there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, I mean, like, the last thing of being, like, I don't want it makes it seem like he thinks this is a... Bad thing. A bad thing.

And it's not. It's not. It's... I can't remember the statistics, but I'm pretty sure it's, like, 98% of the world masturbates. Yeah, it's... And it's not it's it's not it's i can't remember the statistics but i'm pretty sure it's like 98 of the world masturbates yeah it's um and it's it's okay if you don't that's cool as long as as long as you're doing it because you don't want to yeah that's the thing it's like no one has to if you don't want to don't if you do want to do that's kind of as simple as it is you know try keep it within reason uh obviously like we discussed some of

the dangers like try and kind of steer clear of those but like knowing yourself and your pleasure and like your body is a fucking great thing and you you need to do it or you don't need to do it but i'm saying when you do it it's great yeah this is by meme economy investor okay i broke up with my 20 i broke up with my 22 yearyear-old male girlfriend, 22-year-old female, because she refused to show me a note left at our door. She asked if I checked the mail, and since it was Sunday, I said I didn't. So she went to check anyway, and there was a note in our mailbox. I asked what it was, and she said it was from work. So I asked her what it was about.

She got extremely defensive, refused to show me, and then ripped it up, balled it, and flushed it down it down the toilet we got into an argument and she said it was from a guy named gage at the gym i asked her how he knew where we lived and why he was leaving notes and she said he knew her car and that's how he found the house did i do the right thing here oh man there's so many things happening here one a guy named gage from the gym i know that's the that's like one of the things you least want to hear what is it spelt like actually like Gage like no even like a Gage like a even worse it's just G-A-G-E

oh Jesus yeah he took a shortcut he didn't even spell it like a shotgun fuck me I mean like I would have gotten out of there just for that the best part like as if that already wasn't terrifying enough like if we step into what she says and imagine it's true which i'm assuming it isn't he knew her car and that's how he found the house is gage a cop and can like

follow your like or is gage a stalker or is gage a hacker as well as a buff dude like i mean here's the thing yeah there's how's gage following the car yeah i mean like that's the thing it's like either he's like okay let's let's play this in like the least threatening way possible one he's walked you to your car or you you've he's seen you get into your car he now knows that you drive that kind of car now he's just casually strolling the neighborhood or driving through the neighborhood and he sees a very similar car and he's like oh hey that must be where that person lives because that's the only car that exists of that you know i mean it's like so he must know your license plate which is a wild thing to do yeah like no one casually knows someone else's license plate.

I mean, I guess unless you have a very distinctive, like, bumper sticker or something. Like, maybe she has, like, you know, one of those stupid fucking stick family things. Like, if there's a... There's a lot of reaching here. Like, she would have to have a very significantly recognizable car and he would have to just happen to bump into the car and then have pen

and paper on him to write a note yeah like or alternatively is that he saw the place went home wrote a note went back dropped it in but like Gage do you not have a phone bud can you not wait till you not have a phone bud yeah you're not

wait till you're at the gym bud what's what's happening here but here's the thing it's like if she asked if he had checked the mail sounds like she was expecting it if he did like what was the plan i don't know what what if he was like yeah yeah i took that and brought the mail in yeah so i i don't she's like hey did any suspicious man called gage leave me something yeah did a guy with like a buka shell necklace and cargo shorts fucking swing by because i imagine he's the kind of guy that has like a visor but he probably wears a visor oh he like was probably born with a visor you know he he was born with a tribal tattoo he

definitely i was literally about to say he has his like his birthmark is like a fucking barbed wire tattoo around his bicep yeah 100 um he has the word gauge like tattooed just above his dick and on every knuckle on every knuckle he Gage, Gage on both of his hands. I bet you it was G-A-U-G-E, and then he realized that he only has four knuckles, so he was like, shit. Sorry, you. You gotta go. I've no time for you. But then also, even if Gage is a good dude, which I'm sorry, man, I don't trust you, Gage. And even if he did somehow see her,

you know, just her really just stands out car and did somehow make a note and didn't have a phone and all these things, why would you check the mail on a Sunday? Why would you rip it up? Why would you flush it down the toilet? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing.

If Amanda did that, if Amanda got a note from someone especially if his name was fucking gage and then fucking frantic well she lied about it too right she said it was work so and then like flushed it down the tongue like okay there's something in there that you desperately do not want me to see because one you lied about who it was from what it was about and then you like just seriously destroyed the evidence drug dealers do when they're raided by the cops like this is not yeah you are flushing your gauge yeah

so i think yes it is a very fair thing to have an argument about yeah i mean like i think you could be like hey what the hell was that and then she if she lied i'm like okay why did you lie about that what was in the note but like i don't even like at that point i'm like well like how you've lied you've you've just lied to me twice and then you've destroyed the only thing that can really exonerate you so i'm not gonna believe you whatever the fuck it is and like unless she says something horrendous then why would you rip it up so it's like she either tells you something horrible in which case you probably should break up anyway or she doesn't and then you probably don't trust her because she just lied to you and why would you rip up something that's not horrible she's already proven that she's

a liar and is willing to lie about whatever her engage are up to so those right there are enough for me to be like yeah sorry man like i i can't trust you anymore like the trust is gone yeah that's a that's a pretty swift way to like bench press the trust right out of there alternatively what i think you should do because i need to see a picture of this man is set up a webcam over your mailbox and see if all sneaky gauge comes you know creeping on back with another note yeah like i can't Gage is good at sneaking, though. Oh, no, he's definitely fucking longboarding up and, like, doing an ollie. I think that's more of, like,

a tailor than a Gage. I think Gage drove up in his, like, camo fucking, like, dune buggy. His, like, souped-up go-kart. Yeah, exactly. That's definitely not street legal no not at all he's wearing fatigues he's like he's never been in the army but he does have enough guns to be

like you know what he probably has a like one of those bikes that has a motor on the back of it like and i'm not talking like a motorcycle okay i was like literally i'm literally talking like a pedal bicycle that someone has attached a motor to but one of the loud fucking ones oh yeah yeah yeah and he's purposely did modifications to make it loud yeah yeah i think that's it that's the thing like next time you just hear you know gauges outside you know gauges yeah he's flexing those oily muscles right outside from behind some bad fitting sunglasses and an army cap. It's those wraparound sunglasses.

100%. All right. We've made fun of Gage enough. We need to end this. I hope we didn't do you dirty because to be fair, you're not coming off great in the story. But if you are a Gage out there and you think we've done you dirty, message us in. We can take this back. Send us a message.

We've painted G painted also broad strokes i know we've said all episode not do it but yeah oh god we did the thing we said oh no has to be fair not all this gauge not all gauge uh not my gauge legitimately if anyone is called gauge please message us because i want the i want to be proven wrong here. Yeah. Or proven right. Or proven right, yeah. If you have a souped up Doom Buggy, just let me see that sweet hog. Thank you very much for listening.

Hopefully, I think we've got it right this time. I hope so. I think we've got good audio content. Hopefully, we're back in the saddle and providing content that you can listen and sonically enjoy. We don't want to hurt you ever. We definitely don't want to hurt your ears. No. So thank you very much for listening.

I hope, like I said before, I hope we're bringing a little bit of normalcy and routine and making you feel like everything is going to be okay because everything will be okay. If you want to reach out to us for whatever reason, if you don't have a question, even if you want to just talk to us, we're around. We're not doing anything. So we're here to talk to you. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Instagram at at fuckbuddiespodcast. I didn't do a game this week, at least not yet.

I might do one on the weekend um but i've been doing like instagram story games um so you can you can interact with us that way you can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies niles been really active on twitter um and then you can send us an email if you if you need a little bit more space to to talk to us um at f buddies podcast at gmail.com oh yeah you can also find us at plenty of beef.ca if you could find us there as well uh thank you josh eagle and the harvest cities for their song paper stars and yeah hopefully uh it's been a nice little break for you guys this week are you ready for some horrendous sex writing i'm ready this one might

be a little bit longer than usual are Are you comfy? I'm comfy. I hear you get comfy. I can't get too comfy because I'll be too far away from the mic. All right. Asuna threw back her body while drawing out the last part of her sentence as she violently convulsed two, three times. Her breasts, which were sticking out in front of her, danced in time with these motions. I was in no position to pause and admire the sight of Asuna with her eyes scrunched closed and her teeth gripped together, looking incredibly cute yet horribly lewd all at the same time.

As Asuna's vagina gripped my penis tightly, I was once again assaulted with the powerful urge to come. Thinking that I wouldn't be able to resist at this time, I instinctively pushed up into Asuna's core with abandon. Grabbing her hips with my hands, I shoved my hard penis in as far as I could before pulling it out again. Ah, ah, being linked. Being suddenly assaulted right after coming, all Asuna could do was frantically ride around. I took her hand, which was extended towards me, and linked our fingers together. Every time I stirred up Asuna's insides, our overflowing juices would fly about as the place of our joining melted in endless heat. Amazing. Amazing. Her bouncing breasts also sent large amounts of sweat flying about. Asuna was letting out deliriously sweet moans with a completely melted look on her face.

Ah, I'm cum. Ah, yes, let it out, ah, Kirito, let out, a lot. As I shoved myself into Asuna, I released all of the pent up sensations I had stretched to the limits. Asuna, ahhh, I could feel my hot sperm gushing deep into Asuna as she trembled in yet another climax. Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into Asuna. Every time my penis twitched, fireworks would go off in my head.

I mean, I'm more hung up on the whole fact that her breasts were in front of her. I know, like, what's he having sex with? Some kind of funny woman? Bet you had bangs and glasses. Really, you're not hung up on two years worth of semen making a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into her? No, because that's pretty much what I imagined two years of semen would do. Hey, I can't deny that.

So this is from Sword Art Online. It's just like an anime. And I guess the guy who wrote it decided to write his own chapters online that aren't, I don't think, filmed. But they're like officially canon. So I don't know what the fuck's going on here. But there you go. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. And that's why I don't watch anime really because i imagine you just thought hey i should watch some anime um so to finish this off i've got another

ricky oh this is almost like bad sex writing um this comes from pornhub user motorhead369 god i miss when sex was still so new and exciting. This just reminds me of being a teenager, finally alone with my girlfriend that I was absolutely enamored with, sneaking in a little sexy time, like we're the only two people in the world, parking that beef bus in Tuna Town. My name is Dave Miller. I'm Miles Fane.

And we've been your fuck buddies.