F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 82 - Mattress Wife

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

This is a good one, friends.  We barely even have to try to keep the recent unpleasantness from seeping into this one.  The only downside is that we do talk politics for awhile, but... like, not really.  Topics include Trump's stunning re-election campaign, a quarantine hook-up power move, love-making laughter, protecting your mattress, dreaming of more experience, more dream analysis, letting insecurity ruin things before they start.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And my name is Nal Spain, and we are your fuck buddies. Clink. I'm going to disagree with you. I'm in a call with Cheese Captain Omega.

No comment. Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, fine. I'm Cheese Captain Omega. Many Cheese Captains died tonight, and no one who's listening is going to understand that. Nope, not a single person. Oh, hey, in celebration of the people who got us...

Sorry. Well, not really. Our podcast, or my podcast here, is the McElroy celebrating their 500th episode. Not the 500th, their 10-year episode. Yeah. You ready for this? Oh, you motherfucker.

Crimp it and rip it baby crack that hog ah you know what's funny i felt that's the most you know pointed tribute i could do and the one they would probably appreciate the most i was legitimately going to do that and was like nah i feel like we're already an advice show that like tries to be funny i don't want to like crimp on their you know infringe on them a little bit too much so i think it's fine if it's a tribute well okay i'm going to yahoo answers for our first question uh speaking of first questions should we get into it wait no we're doing a thing we're

introducing the podcast come on uh we are a dating sexified podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Which basically means that we either find questions off Reddit or listener questions and we delve into them for your enjoyment, I guess, and information, hopefully. Yeah, and for your knowledge. Especially because the world is a joke. You've said that twice now. Is there something you want to talk about? Vince McMahon is in charge of America? What the fuck, guys? Him and Dana White, like, you're going to have to, like, make someone tap.

You're going to have to jump off the top rope to get your welfare check. Like, yeah, we're actually going to have a Mortal Kombat. Like, we're straight up heading to dystopian situations where, like, things are resolved in a fight, like a cage fight. I just don't know where does it stop? Like, what is the point that surprises me? Because, honestly, I'm beginning to feel like there is no point anymore. You know, you've seen the movie Idiocracy. I have not, actually.

And now I'm too scared to watch it because it's just going to be like fact. Yeah. So, like, I feel like once we pass the point of the Idiocracy jokes and let me tell you, we're getting there. Now we're getting real fucking close. Yeah. It's just I don't know, man. The world is just bizarre. Like, just so fucking bizarre.

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing alright. I hope you're doing well. In better news, I made a really fucking... I guess. I mean, he kept wrestling going for as long as he has. Which is probably a miracle. You know what's even more of a miracle, Dane?

He got WWE considered an essential service. So, he's doing all right he's doing okay also he paid someone to give donald trump a stone cold stunner i'm pretty sure hey hey if he does that again oh my god oh my god i don't know how i would handle if stone cold just like in the middle of a fucking trump press conference and he's just like china and fucking just stone cold comes in stutters him and then just like just chugs china china yeah um i'm not gonna lie if that was gonna happen not even regularly But enough times

I might be down for four more years If someone said That if he got elected At one point, even just once If he was re-elected in 2020 Just at one point during his four year term Stone Cold was going to come out and stunner him But like a real one, not a fake one

Oh yeah, yeah yeah He straight up gets stunnered. Sorry, I don't know why I bothered saying that because wrestling is obviously real. 100%. Well, I mean, some of it's fake, but to get a Stone Cold stunner is real. Stone Cold is actually just a fighter. Everyone else is a wrestler. They're really talented.

He's just a – he's very mean. Why do you think they kept trying to fucking paralyze him? They were like, we have to put this man out. Why do you think they called him Stone Cold? Because he's just a he's very mean he's just why do you think they kept trying to fucking paralyze him they were like we have to put this man out why didn't they call him stone cold because it's just factual he's a mean boy yeah all right we should probably get into the fucking question yeah especially because we introduced the podcast or something and then proceeded to do talk about this uh really we just talked about wrestling uh you want to go first you want me to go first i'm gonna go first yeah you go first this is by throw ra help please uh this is uh i heard my roommate moan my name yes i know this may sound like a total porn video plot but i promise it's real i wish it wasn't i'm a female 20 moved out for college found a nice apartment near school with

two other rooms low pricey but i was antsy to leave home so i just worked hard along with my school work i met my roommate when he male 23 year old and i met up to talk about the apartment he showed me around it what would be my room if i decided to move in he told me that the landlord wasn't bad at all he's a cool guy very nice and not bad looking but because i was there for school and that was my focus and since he's my roommate i never considered him in a way other than friends. Anyway, whole virus thing had us locked down, we could only go out for essentials or work, and his job deemed him non-essential, so he's been home a lot. I got home from work yesterday, and I guess he didn't hear me, because I hear him masturbating in his room, thin walls.

I was surprised he didn't stop when I walked in, but I just tried to ignore it, and stood in the kitchen on my phone for a few seconds, until I heard him moan out my name. I froze. I was not sure if I should laugh or cry. I opted for laughing, but I couldn't keep it too quiet, so I walked out and laughed in the hallway far away from our door. Then I calmed down, walked back in extra loudly, and I guess it worked because he came out of his room a few seconds later and said, hey, did you just get home? I lied and said yes. Slowly sank in through the night, what he was doing. As we were sitting there in the living room on our phones, I couldn't looking at him things felt awkward not sure what to do should i ask or should i

ignore it what does it mean what does it mean what does it mean oh man that's my favorite part of the whole thing this is i mean this is either a really cool great time situation or the worst yeah this is either the literal cool, great time situation or the worst. Yeah, this is either the literal best or worst time for your roommate and you to have this scenario. Yeah, because it's like neither of you are getting laid any other way. I hope. And you admitted that he was attractive. Mm-hmm. So it's like, obviously, he finds you attractive.

Now, here's the thing. Do you think he heard her come in the first time and this was his power move because like let's be real who who says names when they're jerking off yeah that's the thing that that was gonna be one of my points uh no what i don't say a goddamn thing to myself when i'm jerking up i'm not like oh yeah harder baby oh yeah grip it and rip it um no i do tell myself i'm doing a great job because i you know oh yeah positive reinforcement but that's different right um also she does clarify she does not have a common name just in case you know right so it's not like oh you know sarah yeah yeah okay um so yeah that's a good point it

could entirely be a power move like he he's gone he's gotten desperate like the isolation has him just so in horny jail that he he needs to break out and the only way to break out is this mad gambit which is just wild maybe you know what maybe he was actually just calling her in maybe he's like hey sarah also like how loud does this guy jerk it yeah like i mean like is he wearing headphones or like could she hear the porn or has he got like a real squeaky chair slash bed slash like what are you doing maybe he just she just heard that wet meat sound, you know? But, okay, how about this? He is Skype sexing someone with her name. Well, if it's an uncommon name, what's the likelihood of that?

Uncommon, clearly. But, you know, that seems more likely. You know what? Yours might be it. You might have it. I think this might be... Well, here's... These are the pieces i'm playing

with i'm playing i'm putting the puzzle together with those pieces saying what does it mean i mean it's pretty obvious what it fucking means no so i'm gonna go into the assumption that maybe she's not the best at picking up signals so maybe maybe he's tried throughout this quarantine to like kind of drop hints and you know what i mean and try to like suggest a sexy time activity between the two of them it's like damn it'd be great if i could go out and put my dick in something but like i can't i can only stay home i guess there was something here something and then just stare yeah like did he walk out of the shower with just a towel on has he been showering? Yeah. Every time.

And he's also like, maybe it doesn't look like he showered even though you heard the shower, but he's oiled. And like, he probably did about eight pushups before he left the door. And he's already working out in your room. Yeah. Oh wait. Does he invite you to the kitchen to do pull-ups?

Do some sweet pull-ups. Yeah. Um, that's, it's like, maybe, maybe she's just not. And maybe this was his, like, he's like, she's got to get-ups. Yeah. It's like, maybe she's just not... And maybe this is his, like...

He's like, she's gotta get it now. Yeah. Maybe. So, that... What it means is probably he thinks you a hottie. Yeah, he wants to bone down. He probably wants to make this a Quarren-tangle. Wink.

Should you ask? That was one of the questions i don't know one do you think you want to bone down if you do then yeah be like hey like this is so crazy but i could have sworn i heard you just jacking your meat and saying my name if we're gonna assume he was power moving earlier the only option is to respond with another power move return fire you have to you have to squirt out his name on the on the hallway carpet get like a stencil you know like spray painters do and just fucking go to town well here's okay if you want to bone down i think it would be really funny to do that i think i mean not squirt his name but like but like to masturbate and do so like you know have a vibrator

on its highest setting and moan his name just see what happens i mean like these this is you're in fantasy territory now yeah this is like you've entered a porn situation and you can only respond in porn ways yeah right um hey if you're doing a porn get stuck in the fucking dishwasher or some shit like oh no that would suck man dishwashers are really hot don't turn it on no like that that's unrealistic. No, I assume it's not on, but it's finished, and you're leaning in to get the clean, hot plates out. But then you're stuck in there.

Not if you're lazy, I guess, and you leave it alone. Do your laundry. You know what I mean? You're getting... Oh, no, I'm stuck in the laundry. It's like, no, you're not. Sarah, there's so much room. But yeah, that's it. You need to respond in in porn

in porn parody and the thing is if he gets weird he's like oh did you just like scream my name you could be like yeah i thought that's what we did now if for some reason he's worried about it and you're like boom gotcha and if he's like oh my god you understood my mating call because i'm apparently an alien uh then you guys can just bone down yeah i mean you do also have to remember that like unless you're moving directly after quarantine you are gonna have to live with this guy yeah that's a good point um also quarantine you're gonna do this isolation is hard enough anyway so like to add this in may be a terrible idea it could be unless you guys if you think you guys are mature enough to like set some parameters and be like hey this is a quarantine situation we're horny we're gonna fuck once the quarantine

is over we'll reevaluate yeah because i mean like hey this could be this could be the start of a really cool thing if you guys are into it yeah i had the thing with a roommate once and it was fine anyway you just you gotta know if you wanna if you wanna bone down sure engage if you don't you should probably ignore it because if you don't want to bone down and you're just like hey heard you moan my name he's either gonna be like oh yeah you wanna and you're gonna be like no or he's gonna be like no i didn't unless you're gonna be awkward that's the thing it's like if or if he does it again just yeah and burst into the door. You called me? Yeah, I mean, let the guy fucking moan.

Let him have his fantasy. As long as he's not doing anything weird to you or, like, you know, stealing your underwear or creepy shit. Like, if he's just jerking off to you, like, in his own room, there's really no harm to it. But, I mean, like, if he starts getting weird around the house and, like, you find him in your room and you find, like, your belongings in his room and shit like that it's like yeah i guess then there's trouble i guess that's the the thing if you're not interested and if he is actually like gambiting towards this then he's gonna gambit again and i doubt he's gonna keep doing the same thing so you're gonna find him stuck in the dishwasher with his pants around his ankle like it's not what it looks like you have to pull me out by my dick you know like i'm using your mouth yeah so i guess unless that is the

case and you aren't interested and he starts escalating then you probably have to have a talk i googled and it says suction is the only thing that gets me out off i mean out this comes from reddit user throwaway with a bunch of numbers i made myself laugh during sex and my fiance thinks i was laughing at her last night uh he's a 30 year old male and he and she is a 30 year old female last night me and my fiance were having sex and she kept telling me harder so i'd ramp it up a little each time we eventually got to the point where i was literally fucking her as hard as I could while staying under control. Because at this point, if I pull out too far and miss, one of two things are going to happen.

Either my dick gets snapped or I'm balls deep in her ass before she can flinch. Well, she said harder again. And the stupid phrase, I'm giving her all she's got captive popped into my head. And I started to laugh. And I'm not talking a chuckle or a giggle. It's a full on belly laugh. Oh, yes. To the point I couldn't rein it in she asked me what was so funny and I told her what I was laughing about and she didn't believe me she pretty much said that I didn't think she pretty much said that she didn't think it was that funny and feels like I'm just saying

that to spare her feelings I tried to explain to her that it really isn't that funny and it just hit me right in the moment I feel horrible that a stupid laughing fit made her feel bad about her body. I tell her all the time I'm attracted to her and that I love her body. I know she's gained a little weight over the years, but I wouldn't even call her chubby. She looks fantastic. How can I go about fixing this situation? And they're engaged? They're engaged, yes.

Man, if you are that insecure that your partner laughs during sex and you get upset at them You shouldn't be engaged. I Want to know it's like well, what would he be laughing at? Otherwise? Okay, she's he said that she feels bad about her body, but it's like the fuck is he laughing at? Yeah, he's laughing at yeah Like if you're like you're not like fucking something like man that person is so ugly Oh, I just like laugh like oh you're not, like, fucking so, like, man, that person is so ugly! Oh! And just, like, laugh. Like, oh, the girl I'm gonna marry is so ugly! Lol!

Like, what? Doesn't make any sense. I don't know what it could be. The reason why it probably hit him so hard is because it's not funny. Because it just, like, it comes out of nowhere and you get it and then you laugh and then you're almost laughing at how, like, it's just a

it's like a fucking self-repeating cycle. self-perpetuating you know what i mean and it's like the the hardest the hardest time it is to like not laugh at something is when you shouldn't laugh when you're not supposed to it's like have you ever if i don't know how many people if you work in film there's a thing called room tone where you all sit quietly in a room and record like the ambient noise in case you ever need to use it and let me tell you everyone's just like cracking up it's so hard to to record room tone because it's all it takes is like the one look from someone one of the actors does something and you're all just like and then you guys do fucking 45 seconds of silence again yeah 100 i don't know i feel like this is something that would

actually make i think you should i don't know look at your relationship and be sure because you guys should be comfortable around each other well i think you really need to be like hey what did you think yeah like what what did you think i was laughing at but that's that's part of it right it's like you you need to know like if you don't know why then you aren't close enough to her to know that this deep down like self-conscious thing that she has but if she's not close enough to you to realize that you wouldn't do that like this this disconnect does not speak well to a marriage in my opinion yeah and it could be it could be a new thing you know i mean it could be a a quarantine related you know the quarantine 15 maybe she feels extra sensitive and why didn't

anyone call it the covid 19 because that covid 15 that should be the covid 19 i think it's a play on the freshman 15 yeah but this would be funnier because covid 19 but it would be so it would be so confusing i got the covid 19 oh no exactly it's a terrible idea that's fair i just think it'd be funnier also I got the COVID-19. Oh no! Exactly. It's a terrible idea. That's fair. I just think it'd be funnier. Also, let's be fair. We're all piling on more like 19 than 15.

But yeah, it's like, it might be, it might be a new thing where she, you don't really understand that she's dealing with it. So that would be my first thing is be like, okay, you need to tell me what you think I was laughing at. And then we need to talk about that because, and then like you said, it be like, okay, you need to tell me what you think I was laughing at. And then we need to talk about that because, uh, and then like you said, it's like, hopefully if you're marrying someone, I hope that you realize that they would love you enough not to literally laugh at your body during sex. Yeah. That seems like wild. And Hey, let me tell you as men who, who,

um, what's, what's the word they're, they're interested. Their interest, they're, you know, they're focused on their self-interest. Laughing during sex means you're probably not going to get to have sex. So, like, why would you do? Like, if it was actually like a malicious laugh, no dude would be like, ha-ha, I'm going to alienate the only person I get to have sex with for the rest of my life. It just, it does not seem realistic so i don't know you need to sit her down have a like a heart to heart a real like you know lay it down be like look it was just like she's been there i'm sure i'm sure there's been a point where like she laughed harder than she should have or in a place that she

shouldn't have or whatever um so she should understand it and just be like look what obviously something is in your head so what like not don't say the things are in her head but i mean she's obviously got something on her mind um and just be like lay it down like i want to know what's upsetting you and we can talk about it but it was just a bizarre situation and it has nothing to do with you also laughing during sex should be a thing like it should be fun i'm yeah we've talked about it before is that i the the best sex is the ones where you can kind of like have a almost like semi-casual conversation and like joke and shit while you're fucking each other it's like that's when you you're at the most relaxed and i'm gonna tell you you're gonna have the best sex when you're when you're relaxed and like super comfortable where like sex isn't sort of like oh i gotta do this

and be sexy it's like there's time and a place for that of course but like every now and then especially if you've been with a partner long enough it's like my my favorite sex sessions are are the ones where we just kind of like where it just kind of it all just happens and you're not worrying about like you know planning positions and like worrying about your face and worrying about this and worrying about that it's add up and you've got like you know no it's just there shouldn't be barriers yeah and you should be comfortable enough with each other to to do this so also that's a fucking hilarious image i'd laugh my ass off at that yeah like i like you guys should be in the in the situation where you should have been able to say that

well exactly you know what i mean like i like i feel like a real healthy sexual relationship like you should have been able to crack that out and you guys both laugh at it. And that to me is an ideal sexual relationship. Yeah. So this is by walk and roll 25. My 30 year old male wife, 29 year old female has started making me finish after lovemaking in the toilet. So backstory. Okay.

We've been together for five years and recently got married. Our sex life was for the most part completely normal. However, about a year ago, we financed a new bed. She started getting weird about lovemaking. She didn't want to get dirty since it was a very expensive and nice bed. She'd been wanting to get ever since she saw it on Facebook. Flash forward to the day and every time I'm close to finishing, she immediately gets off me, tells me to go to the toilet where I finish myself off.

I find this very unsatisfying. When I bring it up to her, she says I'm being immature. This is extended to every way of my finishing, even if we aren't in the bedroom. How do I get her to realize it is not okay? Man, is this a bad week to say that we're sponsored by Casper? As a Casper sponsor, yeah, 100%. You cannot touch that fine, fine, sweet mattress.

I swear to God, if you come on your Casper mattress... We will find you, and we will turn you into Casper sponsor. Yeah, 100%. You cannot touch that fine, fine sweet mattress. I swear to God, if you come on your Casper mattress... We will find you and we will turn you into Casper. The ghost. Ghosts literally will come out and haunt you forever. There come ghosts. They will haunt your dick. The ghost of your unseated children will come out and haunt you. Oh, God. No, I wish we were sponsored by

anybody, but... Hey, Casper, that's just a taste. That's just a taste of the advertising we could do for you. A little sous-sant of what we can pump out. Literally. Wink. But not on your sweet, sweet mattresses. Oh man, this is like akin to like an unconsensual or non-consensual um orgasm denial or like uh

orgasm ruining fetish that like neither partner is aware of yeah i mean like unless she's real good at hiding it like unless this is this is her thing and she loves it yeah that's the thing you should get off on just like commanding you to do things because if so you should probably talk about this and like explore it in that way that'll be healthy for both of you because clearly you're not enjoying it so it doesn't even matter if she's into it because that's kind of balls yeah yeah there's like orgasm ruining and uh deprivation and that kind of stuff. Like the, the,

the person who's getting the, the orgasm ruined tends to enjoy that. You know what I mean? Like that, like that's part of their fetish as well. Yeah. So it's like, if you're just ruining orgasm,

it's like, yeah, then you're not shit. You're just being, you're just being a terrible person. Yeah. I, yeah. How does he get realized isn't okay i mean like it always makes me so mad when i hear people be like oh they've they've accused

me of being immature because i don't like align directly with how they feel yeah um and it's like obviously our first answer for everything is like talk to them communication but like obviously he's he's had this conversation and it's been shut down i feel like sometimes people go to reddit or go to this podcast or whatever to actually get kind of like the backup that they're not crazy that what they're into like what they're asking for isn't unrealistic because i think sometimes yeah you get gas lit so hard that you don't know you're like am i being unreasonable because like you know like last week we were talking about the female orgasm almost every question was like am i allowed to be upset i don't come you know what i mean so firstly realize that

you are not being immature like this is a very strange thing and like yeah if if her like if her reason is the bed then there are ways around that you can get sheets you can get like mattress protectors you can do all these things on top of that like i don't know about you but most of the time the girl is the messier of of the two you know what i mean yeah i mean like how much is this man coming yeah well that's another thing what if he just has like some dump truck loads man hey let me tell you like you could like maybe wear a condom like condoms are an option the whole point of them is to contain your your man fluids like that's a very very easy option uh secondly you can just put on like sheets or a mattress protector or something or like you know fabric washer or you know like

there are fucking things that are like sprays and it foams up and the spray also has a scrubber on it and you can do it and like there are things for like when pets like soil like couches and shit like you could there's a plethora of things out there that you could use to clean this mattress if there was an issue with it but all of these things aren't going to matter because she clearly doesn't give a fuck because it happens even when you're not on the bed. So that is your one way. You have to be like, what is this about? Can't say it's about the bed if it's not to do with the bed.

And you also can't say it's about the bed if there are all these things we can do to safeguard the bed. So let's talk about it. Like semen isn't the only bodily fluid that our body produces like if you if you sleep on a bed and all you do is ever sleep on it it's gonna get gross because of the sweat you know what i mean like our body still sweats when we're sleeping so like i promise you in a year from now that mattress is is going to be yellow. And also like, even if you're not like,

even if you're not that sweaty, it's like, are you showering right before you go to bed every time? And like, not, you know, not doing anything between the shower and bed. Cause even then you'll still sweat. But other than that,

it's like, if you're out, there's just, there's dirt, there's dirt on things, your feet, there's going to be dirt on your feet from the ground because it's just ridiculous. Yeah, there's definitely something going on here.

And it seems like there might be like one of the big things I'm thinking of is like, are you worried about getting pregnant? Like, it seems like a pregnancy thing. Like. Maybe. But even then, it's like condoms. Yeah. And like, also, you you're allowed to pull out. You know what I mean?

And I'm not saying use pull-out as a method, but you can have a condom on, and then when you're about to come, let them know. And then there's no ejaculation inside you. That's overkill. But what I'm saying is like if if i know people who are like i i was i was sleeping with a woman who didn't want me to finish inside her um and i was like okay that's fine like she was on the pill i was using a condom but it was her preference i

was like that's totally cool and i was like when i finish what like if i'm gonna work like you got to work with me when i finish just sort of like use your hand a little bit like i was like you don't need to like go go crazy but like i just the thing is i need something there to to you know put me over the edge but if that is the fear uh he needs to know you know what i mean like yeah well absolutely like there's no point in just suggesting these things uh no no unless you know like that could be a solution and, would you want to do that with your wife? Would you want to live a life where you could never like do that? Up to you.

I personally would hate that. But you need to know what the issue is before you can try to solve it. Yeah. I mean, there definitely needs to be a conversation. Yeah. So you're not being immature. It's a pretty extreme thing to say. And it's kind of shitty that she's just throwing your concerns away and it's kind of a rude way as well maybe he is being immature maybe he's being like but i want to come come inside your lady hole like maybe that's that's true maybe

that's maybe that's how he's bringing it up that's the thing like if you just have dump truck loads and every time yeah you ask or ask her you're like but i want you to splurt in your cave then i want to make you my boston cream donut wait wait wait wait wait wait dang what if his wife is the mattress holy fuck because then yeah there's no way that and what if he lives in the toilet so every time he pulls out of the mattress he's always finishing himself off in the toilet

okay this is we gotta move on holy shit that actually caused irreparable brain damage doctor you gotta figure it out yeah you need to cause irreparable brain damage. Doctor, you gotta figure it out. Yeah, you need to find out what the real issue is, and I'm gonna guess that it's some sort of, like, sperm phobia

or fear of pregnancy, or maybe there's a health issue that she's gotten diagnosed and is nervous to tell you about. I don't know, but there's something happening here that is beyond the bed. Ooh is beyond the bed. Or we just go to the top comment on this.

Which is next time she tries to have sex. Hand her a dildo and tell her to go to the bathroom. Oh got her. But I mean like then you're being immature. This comes from another throwaway account. We should start naming them. Adopting them some might say. Yeah. This comes from another throwaway account. We should start naming them. Adopting them, some might say. Yeah.

Uh, this comes from a Reddit throwaway314, and they say, My girlfriend, 22-year-old female, has never had a boyfriend before me, 21-year-old male. She wants to have a break to experience other people. We have been dating for the past three years, and when we first started, we just clicked. And it's been that way for three years, from some small dumb arguments every so often i've been in prior relationships so to me this is the perfect relationship and i've never felt the way i do about her uh and she said before that she feels the same way but she tells me that sometimes she wishes she had dated other people besides me because she doesn't know what to compare us to and she's brought this up a couple times before but i never understood what she meant really she's

been making herself upset over the idea and i asked her if she's thinking about this is taken away from her relationship she said yes and that the thought has been even more present in her mind she says she wants to have a fling or two and then we can get back together because she truly loves me back i'm just not a fling kind of guy. And I wasn't comfortable about the idea, but now that she's told me I've been thinking we should break up because I feel like something like this can really cause problems in a relationship later on. What should I do? Well,

he's right. I mean, yes, like, yeah. If you're not a hundred percent like, hell yeah, let's go fuck other people.

Then this is definitely going to cause problems because you're going to either say yes or yes you're gonna be unhappy no she's gonna be unhappy uh then she's either gonna i guess break up with you or go do it anyway or stay in the relationship unhappily uh it's just one of those things where clearly what what age are they again uh 22 and 21 i believe yeah yeah she's fucking young you're young just i don't know it's tough like someone who's like who's had the experience and find someone is like oh hey you're you're my type like we've we've done it and then someone who hasn't had the experience been like cool but i don't know what that's like because this i i could just be really into you because and like not know that there is something better or like not even that better but like you know something something more

but like even even just like the thought of i guess you know growing up and dying and being like yes i fucked one dude ever you know like maybe that's the actual fear more than anything is like she does really like this person and it's kind of scary to imagine that one day she will die and she won't have any of these experiences because i'm sure she has friends out there who are you know doing whatever and some of those experiences are probably shit and some are probably good but like to her and i get it like we were all young once and i remember being in relationships and being like oh shit like am i missing out am i not you know and if you're doing it right being taken and being single should both be incredible so it does you know you are kind of missing out i guess if you haven't ever done it yeah i mean

like i look back at our our single days together with with lots of fond memories and i'm very happy but like i'm also having done that been like cool i'm very very happy and very um lucky to be with someone like amanda um where i don't have those like i'm not longing for any of that yeah exactly because i've done it so we're both in a really good situation where we've been there done that and are somewhere incredible you know but this person hasn't been there or done that and i get it you know you're young and i feel like i don't know you gotta you gotta talk to her and be like firstly figure out what you want can you deal with that because i'm guessing the answer is no and if the answer is no then there's kind of no gray area you know yeah getting back together you're just gonna waste time and fight and

whatever unless you know for a fact you're able to get over it i know a lot of people aren't like i've seen this happen before um so you need to either you get your position clear and depending what it is be like also i guess clear like say either you you're not okay with it and then you can break up and you're you could stay together and that's it you know you it's like you can't be you can't be straddling the fence on this one you can't be like well i'm not cool with it but i love you so i want you to be happy because that's going to be a fuck like you're going to end up being where she would be if you said no you know what i mean like the resentment and the awkwardness because like if you're not cool with it it's just going to foster like all you're going to think about is like who did she fuck yeah is she like am i better than him or like blah blah blah so

it's like all that's gonna sort of like harden and crystallize inside you. And like the things you're worried about her feeling later on is going to be you now. Yeah. You're just going to trade in what you have for a shitty relationship. Yeah. I do want to know, um,

I'm worried that my opening and what we've talked about here is like, it's very much a reality where she could want these experiences and still very much love him and i don't think that's an uncommon feeling uh for especially young people uh who are just sort of like experienced only one sexual relationship and one real committed relationship that's the thing like just because she's saying this it isn't necessarily negative and the fact that she's actually coming to you is pretty positive because she could just break up with you if she wanted to fuck other people or cheat on you or cheat on you or like there's there's a number of ways um and like it's it's pretty brave of her to come forward because it's

not the easiest thing to say um and i get it like again I've been there. I, you know, being single is great. Feeling you're missing out isn't. But at the same time, I've also been in a position where, like, if you're not happy with what you agree to, is you're going to poison the well. And the well is your entire relationship. Yep. So you got to be clear. And, like, maybe if you guys break up and she goes and she does whatever and you go and you do whatever, and then you guys start talking, you can get back together. And that will be a different thing because like, I think you'll feel better about it

because there is that clean break and then you can like move on separately and then reconnect as opposed to like the weird kind of half connection, half not connection, feeling jealous and getting bitter. I don't know. Yeah. I would say if you're going do it break up yeah and and don't and don't have the caveat to be like but we'll get together later it's like no no we're gonna break up and then you know maybe choose a time to revisit it but it can't be like a couple weeks or a couple months yeah because that's because the time frame is so short that if she comes back you know that she's fucked at least one or two people and that's all you're going to think about yeah you need that time where you can sort of like you could let your mind be like okay she's

experienced like you know she's probably fucked someone but you can also be like she's experienced other things and i've experienced other things because if you're just sitting waiting at home for her to to get you know. The month over with or whatever. Yeah. If she's just like fucking random dudes and you're just sort of like sitting at home waiting for her to come back. That's going to be such a toxic fucking setup. Yeah. Some things you could do is like you guys can look into or you can, some polyamory stuff and,

and understand how this works. Not necessarily saying that you should be polyamorous, but at least understand that, like help you get your head around the fact that she could still very much love you and still crave the, the attention and, and, you know,

romance of another person. Because I think what a lot of people, especially someone so young, if they're, if they're not super, uh, well-versed in all this is think that like oh she wants a random person over me yeah and that's and that's not the situation here at all um because if that was the case like you said she wouldn't have brought it up she would have just broken up with you um she she clearly loves you and she's clearly mature enough to to express these feelings to you um and obviously trusts you well enough to say something that does come across like hey i prefer

other people than you you know what i mean like she's trusting you to understand that which i think is a pretty ballsy move um so yeah you need to match that you need to match that level of trust and respect that she's shown you by bringing this up which which doesn't mean you have to agree you know what i mean it doesn't mean you have to step into that thing but it does mean when you respond you should be equally mature and respectful exactly that yeah that's that was where i was going where it was like it's you have to you have to speak truthfully you can't say what you think she's she wants you to hear or you can't say what you what you hope will be the best answer you have to like actually answer what you mean and if and if what you mean is i'm not okay with this we have to break up then that's you gotta stick to that yeah and that like that is the only best answer is when you tell her the complete honest truth because otherwise you're

both getting something you don't want because i don't think she wants something that you don't mean either yeah yeah and like don't be swayed because like i imagine if she does love you most normal people would be like okay you know what never mind i'm fine yeah because like those feelings like you being honest and being like i'm not okay with this isn't going to automatically quell these urges all isn't going to like magically disappear be like okay with this. Isn't going to automatically quell these urges. All of it. Isn't going to like magically disappear and be like, okay,

you know what? Actually poof, they're all gone. I'm good. Yeah. What this means, what you, what she's saying there is okay.

I'll be quiet. Yeah. So like, again, maybe it's one of those things she's throwing out there with a hope, but she might be okay with it. I doubt it. Um,

but you just got to talk it through, be honest and maybe just break up. Yeah. It sucks, but be okay with it i doubt it um but you just gotta talk it through be honest and maybe just break up yeah it sucks but be okay with it maybe maybe you think about and you'll be down with the polyamory thing i don't know it can be done very well i think it's tough if you're coming fresh to it but you know yeah and you can like you can ease up to it you know what i mean you could you can do things like um go to sex clubs sex clubs with maybe another adventurous couple. Or you can start doing things like letting her masturbate to sex cams or stuff like that. And watch her do that.

And get comfortable with the idea that she could be aroused by someone else in a more safe environment. Or an environment where you're involved as well. And then just branch of like branch out that way and maybe talk to if you know anyone who's polyamorous or who has an open relationship that's you can reach out to them and be like hey how did you deal with jealousy hey how did you deal with this um because i mean like that's i i dated a girl who who was uh polyamorous and like everything that i learned about jealousy was from her more or less okay i'm gonna go for this one because i feel like it might have more juice to it but also might just be a

one and done uh this is by natalie marie eight dreaming about an ex i'm doing great it sounds like it i'm out there on the prowl for another potential suitor and then bam in my vulnerable state, my ex pops up in this realistic dream, and I wake up feeling a lot of things. I just needed to get this out to someone. Hold on. Hold on.

I know, right? It sounds exactly like it, right? Well, no, it doesn't, because it's a little bit more lucid. Maybe this is her when she's awake, and the other one is her when she types in her fever dreams. She's got like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Yeah.

I just needed to get this out to somebody and maybe have a talk about it. Because all this flooding of emotions is overwhelming. Anyone else wake up feeling really weird when they have dreams of their exes? Or is it just me? I mean, does she say what the dream is? No. Oh, you see? There you go.

So like already not better batch because like better betch oh yeah she would have gone in deep deep detail and we get the prophetic sort of you know what does it mean i mean this is tough for me because one my last ex was seven years ago so like i really don't have a whole lot of emotionally charged stimuli for any my exes anymore yeah um like i i don't really think i have had many dreams where like an ex has been in that and if i if it was it's not like i woke up being like oh i miss them or like oh i wake up i'm like that's weird why were they there like yeah and i feel like the only reason you're having those feelings is because you're not over shit.

It doesn't matter about the dream. Yeah. Or like, I mean, nine times out of 10, if I have a dream, but a specific person, it's probably because like they were the last Instagram story I watched,

you know what I mean? Like before I went to bed and it's just like fresh in my psyche. Like I had a dream the other day about um one of the people i went to college with and like i haven't talked to them in ages but they they they were the last post i've read before i went to bed yeah it's like let's think like let's your brain goes through the various things that happen to you in the day they piece together a fucking clusterfuck and just throw it into your mind cinema so you're probably just i don't know you're just thinking about this person you're not over them so get the hell over them yeah and don't i don't know it's the hell over this as signs or anything yeah i don't think this is a thing being

like you're you know because like you could also like i don't even necessarily think that they're not over though like people could be in your dreams for any number of reasons yeah other than you know like dreams aren't necessarily sort of like windows to like what's actually going on they're literally just crazy synapses that fire. And it's like, yeah, there are outside stimulus that can affect them, but like, it's just a fucking dream. So I'm not saying because they dream of them, they need to get over them.

I'm saying the fact they wake up feeling really weird. And that the fact that they start off by saying I'm doing great. That means the two of those things in tandem means they are not over this person. That's a good point. Yes. If you wake up feeling lots of things, you feel really weird, that's the clear sign that you're

not over them. If they popped up in your dream and you didn't care, this wouldn't be a post. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I'm... That's the clear indication there. And it's like, why are you not over them? You know? Yeah, now that you've brought that up,

it's like, yeah, okay, I brought that up it's like yeah okay i i'm picking up what you're putting down in the sense like you've you've done everything you can to convince one the the reader and yourself it's like i'm doing great i'm already on the prowl i'm looking for this i'm looking for that but my ex yeah it's like it's almost as if this is like oh i'm doing great but then this outside thing just keeps coming and getting me and like oh it's like no there is no outside force. It's just you. And like, you don't have to feel these things about it.

So like, I guess the reason is like, look at it and why you feel those things. Like, is it because of all this bullshit that's going on that you feel like vulnerable and like needy and lonely? And like the last time you were in a relationship was with your ex and like you don't have sex and you don't have discomfort and shit and you're yearning for that and maybe your brain is so fixated on that that you're like kind of going back because that's understandable but it doesn't have anything to do with that yeah i mean exactly yeah maybe your brain is just like hey we need security and something that we uh something that we know you know what i mean so something that is a constant maybe like and we're horny and we we just we're gonna have sex with someone we've had sex

with in our head and oh look it's your ex here he is is he the dick you can picture the most vividly because maybe that's just it yeah so yeah i would say i'm gonna agree with you now and just be like you need to do a quick internal reflection. Be like, hey, also, does it say what feeling she's feeling or just feelings? No, just feelings. Yeah. So it's like you need to sort of do a mental inventory and an emotional inventory. Be like, hey, what am I feeling? Is it anger? Is it longing? Do I miss them? Am I sad? Like, what am I feeling here? what what stirred when i woke up and then

try and then like you know keep working down the chain to be like okay why did i feel that way yeah okay what made me feel that way and like if you need to get your mind off it maybe just like finger yourself and you know scream your roommate's name yeah or your exes like maybe that's maybe this release you need maybe just fucking go to the bathroom, rub one out over the toilet. What if her ex is her roommate and her roommate's the mattress and she lives in the toilet? No, I can't do this.

So this comes from a user submitted question. Agent Tinka says, I'm not really one that dates. Huge fear of commitment slash rejection. Also, I'm always the friend. All my best friends are guys, so I'm comfortable really one that dates. Huge fear of commitment slash rejection. Also, I'm always the friend. All my best friends are guys, so I'm comfortable around guys, but I'm more comfortable seeing myself as one of the guys.

But we are all currently quarantined, so I signed up for Bumble to match with someone. For the last month and a bit, we've talked almost every day. It's going well. The only problem besides quarantine preventing us meeting face-to-face is he seems to focus a lot on how I look. It's complimentary, sometimes too much so. I've've started to like him despite not meeting him in person yet and i think he likes me too i'm just worried that if and when we meet i don't think i could possibly

live up to the ideal of me that he has in his head so i'm just thinking um so i was just thinking of telling him that we shouldn't talk anymore oh don't do that yeah because okay imagine this you meet up and you don't add up to his ideal and he's like oh we shouldn't talk anymore you're in the same position it doesn't matter yeah it's one of those things where it's like you're in a position if you're single you're in a position to line up as many post-covid dates as you want like you're not you're not being shitty to be like you know to be talking to a group of people like you can you could have all these dates if you're getting matches and even if you only have him if you've only got the one match that's fine too but like this is one of the rare occurrences where you're not wasting time or rather

we're all wasting time you know i mean like we're all just sitting around anyway it's not like you're putting anything on hold for him and also like i know i assume it's a fear of rejection or like the possibility of failure that's kind of like holding you back or like that's getting in your head about it but like the thing is if you end things you have been you're rejecting yourself you're like still like you're getting to that worst case scenario already you know what i mean like you're not doing yourself any favors by not giving it a chance also like i'm sure this person is just like it just likes the way you look unless you have some wildly misleading pictures uh i think you'll be good you know like unless you just completely like fabricated a new person for your pictures on your dating app, which you shouldn't do. I do think you'll be fine.

He's probably like he doesn't have that many things to focus on. And it's like, unfortunately, I think society wise, everyone's kind of more based on like you do kind of compliment people's appearances more so than anything else like it also i think maybe feels a little more serious to be like wow i really like you or you're really funny or like i could talk to you all day or like anything like that because like that sounds like a little bit too eager so he's probably sticking with the like damn you're so hot because one he thinks you're so hot and two that's kind of just like the accepted thing to start off complimenting really yeah and it's like you said it's like it's it's really his only like medium you know what i mean it's like all he's seen is his pictures of you and that's really all he has to comment not saying that like you're not engaging in

conversation or anything but it's like if someone compliments the way you look regardless of ulterior motives whatever take the compliment you know what i mean and hopefully it's not one of those things where it's like everything is like uh it turns into a physical compliment like if that if that's the thing it's like maybe maybe break it off but not because you think you're not gonna live up to it maybe because like he's a bit much yeah like he couldn't be fishing for nudes or like some skype sex yeah i mean that's it's like if if you're really worried about it and and don't want to fucking invest time and stuff or emotion into this guy you know maybe have a skype date because like there's no better way to see

what someone looks than than in person obviously but but also you know do do a live thing because like you know camera angles uh cheat things but no one looks good on the webcam it's true that's the thing like if you if you are that worried that he's gonna show up see you and leave then maybe meet yourself halfway do like a facetime session and like if he's just like oh shit that is not the person i saw then you guys can fizzle out over bumble instead of in person or whatever like if that's your massive fear but like for me it seems like you need to get over that fear because like fuck it if you show up and it doesn't work out what's what's the harm if you like this person it's worth the risk yeah i exactly don't don't shoot yourself in the foot before you've even like taken your

first step yeah see what plays out. Like I said, we're all just fucking wasting time anyway until this is all over. So it's not like, oh, no, you invested all your time in this guy. And when you could have been investing your time in, you know, fucking binge-watching Dawson's Creek. Yeah. Because I'm sure you're already binge-watching Dawson's Creek. Like, all of us are. You're binge-watching.

Like, let's agent take a who you fucking like oh no not who you fucking who are you trying to lie to no we're all in isolation I'm sorry I'm still fucking wrapped up on the mattress question I know I got I did she live in the toilet we don't know um but yeah like honestly for me it sounds like you're getting hung up on like the fear of failure. But if you stop, if you cut things off, now you've already failed. So it's like you're not doing yourself any favors, you're just removing the chance of not failing. So like, fuck it, if you show up, like, unless, as I said, you have some wild ass pictures on your account that does not represent it of you whatsoever and in that case fix that yeah you know but others i doubt that's the case uh so just you know show up give it a chance this sounds great so don't don't fuck it up for no reason yeah just just trust yourself enjoy revel in in in the attention be cool you're fine if if this person doesn't like you for whatever reason whether it's you know a physical thing or not then like we said it's it's it's their loss yeah it's it's no it's no big deal

because you're awesome and this person gets to see it you know i mean they're apparently you're fine you're fine you're good yeah no just like take heart be go enjoy this it sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun i'm also like you guys been talking so much that like that sounds like a really good thing too you know i mean this doesn't sound like someone who's just in it to fuck you know what i mean because there are easier ways to do that he could dip out of existence and then once you know trudeau's like hey we're coming out of hibernation you'd be like oh i dropped my phone down the toilet and it took me four months to get a new one you know that's a way easier way to do this yeah yeah i mean this thing is like if he is just trying to like get his dick wet then it's like this is that's commitment yeah like to be like hey this might

be like three months of text game. Just to fuck one person. Yeah. And guess what? That just means you're really, really hot. Yeah. That's even better compliment. Yeah.

No, you're good. Just go enjoy this. Don't ruin it for yourself for no reason. Yeah. Take this time. I think we all have a blessing in disguise here where we can start deciding that when we get out of quarantine we can be like you know what fuck it you know let's get over this fear of rejection or fear of failure fear of commitment whatever you know let me be like hey when i get out i'm gonna give this guy a shot yeah and it's and it's a time to sort of like grow as a as people we we have time

to sort of reflect we're alone with our thoughts for you know however many hours we're awake in a day so now's the time to sort of be like all right i don't have to worry about this i don't have to worry about that i can just sort of focus on me so take a moment and be like hey when you get out of quarantine trust yourself realize that that you're an amazing person you're attractive you're um desired worthwhile and and just sort of move forward believing that. And if someone doesn't see it, that's fine. Fuck it. Who cares? You don't know

much about this person, and if they're that dumb, fuck it. You know what I mean? Their opinion shouldn't mean anything to you, really. So, unless it's good shit. And if it's good shit, great. Also, we've spent long enough not touching people. Let's go out and touch some fucking people i know so go out there and just you know just touch him just touch him just get touched be touched to do some touching consensually all yes oh god i'm worried

that have you ever have you ever read and or seen the movie perfume uh no so at the end of it he like creates a perfume that like arouses people so much that they all just sort of like literally tear each other apart during an orgy and i'm kind of worried that's what the end of covid is going to look like now cool spoiler warning bud i mean it's an old ass whoa okay great um yeah no 100 like our days are numbered yeah this is we're gonna get out and the first time you like see people and realize that like oh hey it's safe to touch you it's gonna be a fucking fuck fest like everywhere you're worried about your bed lady dude hey guess what everything you

own is going to be covered in semen and not just your husbands literally everyone's there's no escaping this this is going to be a tidal wave tsunami of come can you imagine like the first night back like the first friday night in toronto especially if it's summer it's gonna be hell it's gonna there's gonna be so many shootings oh god i hope not but can you imagine being in like crock rock or something? It's just going to be like bros unleashed and not in a good way. It's gonna be horrendous. You're going to walk in and be pregnant.

Like that's just how, how much, even if you're a man, even if you do not have a uterus, you're going to walk in and be just so filled with like the spirit of come. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening for listening it's it's always a pleasure we i look forward to this i don't know what now but this is this is pretty much what i anchor my week around i love you i mean i love you too yeah i'm saying i don't know how much more you have

going on than me i love you why are you suggesting i love you It's not what I said at all. Oh my god, Dane. I was implying that you might have a more structured week than me. You go to bed before 4am. Yeah, but you also work and do things in the morning. I don't. I play video games pretty much for 12 hours and then go to sleep. Fair.

Anyway, I love you. You heard it here first, people. I also love you. Oh people. I also love you. Oh, God. And we love you. We do. Thank you for coming back and listening to us. If anyone wants to share their podcast listening routine to us, that'd be cool. Because everyone's routine is all fucked up now because they're all at home.

So if there's a new way you listen to us, let us know. I don't know. I'd be interested in hearing that. Yeah, it's tough because I used to listen to podcasts on my commute to work and now that i no longer have a job yeah um i i don't i don't get to listen to as many podcasts so thankfully i've caught up with most of the ones i listen to so i only have like one or so or you know one a day and i'm good this is the closest i come to a job right now. So. Yeah. Casper, come on.

Casper. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard cities for their song paper stars, which I did say twice last week, Dane, didn't I? You, you definitely did.

And if you have a question you want to send in to us, you can find us on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast. You can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. You can email us at F buddies fck underscore buddies. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast.gmail.com or you can find us online at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Hell yeah. Alright, you ready for some

beautiful... I'm already getting comfortable. Oh, this is by J.K. Rowling. What? Alright, so this is the casual vacancy. He retained a memory of her bare pink vulva. It was as though Father Christmas had popped up in their mist. He forced his way inside her, determined to accomplish what he had come for. Crystal moaned a little, her head thrown back, her nose became broad and snout-like.

I'm sorry, but if the second i looked at a woman's vagina or you know pubic region and i was like damn that looks like santa right first my first thought would not be i'm gonna stick my dick in there yeah like what does this this person likes christmas way too much or hates christmas i don't know because he wants to just pierce santa with his penis what part of s Santa does it look like? Can you imagine having sex with someone and being like, damn, when she throws her head back, her nose looks like a snout. Hey, man, you look like a pig. Yeah.

Now, that's a weird thing to laugh at. Don't laugh at that. Be like, hey, what are you laughing at? Oh, it's because you look like a fucking pig. Also, your vagina is Santa. I'm fucking Santa right now. What if she had just read this and she was like, does he think of Santa?

Does he think I have a snout? And then immediately after he left, oh my god. Now we know why no one fucks in Harry Potter. I don't. Are you ready for the final Pornhub comment? You know I am. This one is a throwback to an old bit I used to do. This is a

porn critic, 6969. There was good acting in the beginning, but male counterpart needs some assistance. Hot accent adds to the experience. A bulbous bottom and a good blowjob with a nice touch of a lick up from the female was good. Atrocious angles and uncomfortable awkwardness didn't help. Kind of ruined the vibe, but enjoyed seeing safety practice. No cum shot. Five out of ten.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm'm al spain and we are your fuck buddies