F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 83 - Baby Black Market

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

This week we start off pretty butt-centric, but don't worry, we branch out.  Niall gives a much needed health update and Dain is worried about the careers of porn writers.  Topics include a froggy conundrum, respecting property, a cardboard cut-out situation, infant master thief or cursed couch, not owning a monopoly on your partner's love and respectful slapping.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niall Spain We are your fuck buddies. I'm going to get right into it.

I said this off the air and I want to, I just can't stop thinking about it. Do you think there's a porn named Assassin's Creed? I think I made that joke. I hate you so much. I hope so. And it's not a joke. I'm worried. I'm worried that someone isn't capitalizing on this.

I'm worried that there's someone out there. There's some porn writer out there who's like just having a nervous breakdown because he can't think of like the best name and he's not not using Assassin's Creed. I'm just going to go out and assume it's already been done. I assume so as well. I kind of want to look it up. But also, that's just how you spell assassin anyway yeah no maybe that's why we've never heard it it was like perfect but it was too perfect i mean i haven't played the last like two or three assassins creed games so

for all i know they are the porn parodies the most recent ones are just yeah just like anal sex games well you know what? I'm glad you brought this up because speaking of asses and death, did you hear the newest developments this week? No. So remember when we broke the news to the world that you can spread coronavirus through fecal matter? Yep.

Well, guess what? Uh-oh. Last Friday, Dr. Normanan made a cautionary suggestion when it comes to particles of feces set adrift within a fart and the spread of covet 19 no bare bottom farting swan advised damn yeah he's saying luckily we wear a mask which covers our farts all the time he said referring to protest protective aspects of pants shorts dresses underwear and other garments however farting with a bare bottom and or going into a toilet where somebody has recently defecated badly you could be at risk to get coronavirus i love the qualification of badly yeah that was my wording but basically you know

sorry if you want his wording he says he suggested a post flush toilet plume could even be cause for concern when it comes to spreading coronavirus via aerosolized feces damn so we've now discovered the worst way to get coronavirus

we can't even poop in peace now well you can just no farts well don't fart when you poop So we've now discovered the worst way to get coronavirus. We can't even poop in peace now. Well, you can, just no farts. Well, come on. Don't fart when you poop. Don't let a single bit of air. Just the driest, the driest, most quiet poop. Like a flush is enough to shoot out.

God damn. Isn't that, like, I'm pretty sure all of this is, like, hypothetical because no one's actually doing these studies because, like, there's more important things, which I don't agree with. This is the most important thing. I was going to say, is there? So they say, but they are Australian. So what would they know?

Oh, yeah. I mean, this guy's. Yeah. OK. If it's Australian. Well, yeah. But you know what? There's probably there's probably someone out there who's gotten this from a fart.

And that's sad. Fuck, man. I hope he never finds out. I hope they never. I hope they actually. You know what? There's probably, there's probably someone out there who's gotten this from a fart. And that's sad. Fuck, man. I hope he never finds out. I hope they never find out. Actually, you know what? Cut all this. We don't need, we don't need someone

like they just recovered and then they have to find out they got it from a fart. Alternatively, I don't know if, if I got Corona, like maybe it'd be funny. You know what I mean?

Like maybe I need that little bit of humor of being like, maybe like it's already so bad that like it can't be worse i guess yeah i mean it can get worse yeah well this took a terrible turn i just wanted to make a joke about assassin's creed sounding like a porn i'm sorry i had to let the people know oh hey we're a dating and sex advice podcast. We take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

We're basically, what it means in practical terms, we get questions either from our dear listeners or off Reddit, and we bring them to you. We disseminate the topic, and we just spew aerosolized advice all over your nose depending on the question maybe we'll inseminate it yep we did once uh get a question pregnant yeah we did man it's fucking bleeding me dry those child support payments fuck me do you want where how do you want to start this you want to start like easy you want

well you've already said that people are dying from farts so i said possible where i'm gonna let you you've you've already set the tone you keep it all right i got the perfect follow-up right this is by chirp chirping i'm gonna need a little dane input here right okay uh dame participation shall we say you're gonna have to make a guess after the title okay okay so my 21 year old female boyfriend 22 year old male wants me to choose between him and my life passion okay what you're gonna get well what's the life passion you get three can you give can you give me any hints i will give you a hint after your first guess okay life passion of uh cosplaying no but you could cosplay as one of these things

um anime no but it does start it is something that is it's an animal her life passion is an animal she could be a furry a cat uh that's just wishful thinking because that's you uh yeah i'm pretty sure this question is not about you uh no it is frogs i have a second question for you, Dane. Uh-huh. How many frogs are too many frogs? Oh, boy. I mean, I don't know if frogs are social animals, so I'd say two. Two to keep each other buddies. All right, that's cool.

So I discovered that I really love frogs, and two years ago I started bringing them home and rescuing them. Now I have about 14 frogs, and I've raised them as if they were my own children. I'm sorry, rescuing them now i have about 14 frogs and i've raised them as if they were my own children they helped me rescuing them i'm pretty sure you're kidnapping them oh she rescuing them from their dreary life in their favorite habitat yeah they helped me decide to be a biologist i'm currently in college pursuing that dream they've helped me coast with the cope with the loss of most of my friendships at a really bad phase of depression as though, as even though I didn't want to take care of myself, I still took care of them. At times it felt like the only reason I was still there was to nurture them and give them comfortable homes. About six months ago, I met my boyfriend and we immediately hit it off and we hang out every day. He's expressed to me he's not a huge fan of

animals and I never really press him on it. Well, he's decided he wants to go somewhere else for grad school and has invited me to go with him and live with him under one condition. I have to rehome all but three of my frogs. I'm heartbroken because I don't want to feel like I have to choose between the two most important things in my life. I'm frustrated and feel like it's unfair of him to make me rehome all of them. I've tried to make compromises offering to rehome half or even pay extra with us so we can have an extra bedroom for my frogs and he wouldn't have to see or interact with them he says he doesn't like them because they're ugly

which to me is outrageous for him to be so something I'm so passionate about I'm not sure what I should do if I should break up with him and not go or maybe do I have too many frogs and I should rehome some please help I need to know information so here's the thing

it's like i want to know what the frog situation is this is like it's her entire house like do you actually need a whole room for all your frogs or is it like do you have two aquariums filled with frogs because like if that's the situation fuck it who cares um i'm imagining like like frogs are like this big enough right i imagine like at most similar to your guess you could probably only get two two frogs in a tank right so i don't know man i i had frogs in one of our science class and we had like eight little little baby frogs oh it's true and like a i don't know okay like a like a two foot by one foot tank. And they weren't cramped.

They've had all the room in the world to jump around. So unless this person's rocking like massive frogs. Well, apparently if you have African dwarf frogs, you can only fit four to five in a 10 gallon tank. So at the very least that's, that's 30 gallons of tankage. And that's not even taking

into account if they are not dwarf frogs yeah you know what i mean like yeah i so that here's the thing is i know look it's the there are troubling things on Froglery's side. You know what I mean? The fact that you raise him as your own kid. Yeah. That's troubling because, like, I love my cats, but I don't treat them like they're not my children. Yeah. I love them, you know, as much as I could love, you know, more or less anything. But, like, I know they're not, like, children. Yeah, because that's kind of a wild thing to, to think about most things that in fact,

unless it's your adopted children, there's really no other way to, there's no like real way to say, yeah, I love them. Like they were my own children, you know, you're not,

or if you are weird, but here, here's the flip side of this. I've never met a person who's like, I don't like animals i don't really like animals because he doesn't say he doesn't like frogs he says he doesn't like animals yeah and you know who you know who doesn't like animals serial killers exactly so that's that's the thing right like he like that sentence alone it's like you know what fuck this dude uh i do

love like how he came up with the number three frogs like does he just hate 11 of her frogs is that what has really happened here he's like you three are chill as hell yeah the rest of you though you're ugly as hell or is he just like he knows there's no way to have a no frog lifestyle and three is the most you could handle um one of my big questions is she says uh they helped me cope with the loss of most of my friendships did the frogs just cause most of your friends to leave like is she real into frogs like did she start like ribbiting and croaking because like there seems to be a bit of causation there i don't know yeah i would like to know if in two years is it maybe it could be one of those things where it's like you like she moved to go to school and that's what

she means like she didn't have any friends like all of her friends kind of disappeared that way maybe but yeah i don't know like i i would also like to know if her her passion for frogs is what caused the loss of friendship because then i would say it's like hey they're not coping mechanisms they're they're the cause yeah but also um it does say they're literally the one thing that kept her alive so also maybe don't deprive this girl of her frogs well i it's super common for people who suffer from mental illness and depression to rely on their animals it's like a really really common thing and it's not a it's not a toxic thing it's it's actually like a pretty no i pretty good thing to be like oh this thing this thing needs me to live um and if that's the only thing getting you up and and through the day then fucking that's

great like at that point anything that that helps you realize that you have worth and and that someone out there needs you is is worth it so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna throw shade at her her frog requirements at all um if we're getting getting rid of jokes i think fuck this dude yeah you've been together what six months he wants you to one, move, and two, get rid of most of your animals because he thinks they're ugly? Like, fuck that. I'm sorry. There's no, this guy has no leg to stand on. Yeah.

It's like, I can understand maybe like moving into a place and being like, look, we don't have the space. Like if I was moving in with Amanda into an apartment together and she was like i've got 19 cats i'd be like well we don't have the space for 19 cats yeah you know what i mean it's like i understand if that was the point of view but if his thing is just like i hate these fucking frogs they're ugly as hell and i don't want to look at them yeah it's like well those that's not a reason you know what i mean like um because if this was anything other than frogs, if this was a dog, you know what I mean? If she had three dogs and he was like, everyone would be like,

this guy's insane. You, no one wants to get rid of dog. You know what I mean? But because they're, you know, slightly, you know,

wacky animal. Well, if it was 14 dogs though, my thing is if you have the space and the ability to care for all the animals that you have and none of them are living a life in detriment because of it, then there's just too many animals. Yeah. But I know people who two cats is too much. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Because they don't take care of them. Yeah. I know people who one dog is too much because they don't take care of it. Yeah. And also, like, condos are small. I've gone to people's houses people's houses yeah like i've gone to people's houses and seen the litter box filled and i'm like and they're like oh yeah i do it once a week like that is crazy that's not how you take care of a cat yeah now how about flip side of this what if because i i refuse to believe someone doesn't like animals and also will just be like they're ugly

what if he's actually the real frog savior and he's trying to liberate these frogs that have been stolen from their homes because like realistically she's like god keep him comfortable god or whatever like unless she does have these large habitats she's nipped them from their homes yeah and families exactly i doubt they families exactly maybe he has infiltrated this place oh my god what if he was one of those frogs gonna turn into a prince and now he's like looking out for his frog bros it's like reverse frog prince yeah i'm trademarking all of this um and he just seduces crazy frog people and tries to save their frogs oh my god this is a hallmark movie in the making how much does your boyfriend say yeah does he what does he eat how does he eat is it mostly

tongues are his lickouts buck wild can he can he get you from across the room on the moment's just right in the clit yum yum yum uh yeah i honestly I say fuck this dude it's too early in the relationship for someone to be making demands like this if it's ever applicable you know what I mean and unless like maybe take a look at yourself and make sure it's not literally like

one taking over your life or two taking over your living space because 14 could be a lot of frogs she does ask at the very end which i forgot to read out is 14 frogs too many yeah and like i said i don't think there is a set number of animals that is too many it's how many you're capable of caring for uh that and and once you've reached the point where you can't care for all them properly then it's too many that's very true um or yourself

like if you're caring for all these frogs but you don't have room left in your apartment for your life probably yes if if anyone is suffering because of the amount of animals that you have i mean to be fair it's like it's that way about anything like if this woman was filling her her house with shoes you know what i mean it'd be the same thing like oh you don't have any money to buy food because you've bought shoes exactly it's any sort of like obsession yeah um i i the only time i would say it would be okay to have a conversation about being like hey we gotta we gotta talk about like how many animals we have and that is like if you're moving in together and you can't find a space to accommodate them all. Yeah.

No, 100%. And that might just be one of those things where it's like, well, we just can't get a place together. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if my living situation is good for the animals and the life that I have, maybe we just wait until we move in together. Yeah. But also, I'd just be super wary of anyone who's like, oh, I don't like animals. Yeah.

I don't know. I've never met someone like that, but I don't think I'd be able to be around them. Here's a question that kind of ties into people respecting property. This comes from Reddit user ApricotTuesday. My girlfriend doesn't get why I care about my expensive laptop. How do I help her understand?

It's a €3,000 laptop I use for work, heavy design stuff. I also play games on it it's my entire life and i worked immensely hard to afford it she has a cheap laptop that she's seen more abuse than just about any tech i've ever come across she uses my laptop and treats it like shit touching the screen etc she doesn't get why i'm protective of it nor does she get the value of it which is strange considering how much it's worth yeah well flat out like it was that expensive you can literally point at the price tag and be like hey look it is worth this much and secondly it's like you need it for work

and you gain and like presumably that's a large part of your life then it would be wild that this person can't understand that it encompasses a lot of your life and your money so like i don't understand why no one could not see that yeah i mean like even if the thing was fucking 12 dollars oh yeah if you if you said it's like hey this is super important to me please don't treat it like shit like if amanda had a favorite teapot you know what i mean or something arbitrary that like just a normal teapot and you were just like yeah fucking it around the room and i was just like you know when I mean? Or something arbitrary that like, it's just a normal teapot. And you were just like, yeah, fucking it around the room. And I was just like,

you know, when I was, I just kind of like hooked it into the sink every time. Yeah. It was like, that's, it's disrespectful. If it's someone's property,

even if it's not something that's like a family heirloom or, you know, if it's, if it belongs to someone, you treat it with respect. Like if I had an old t-shirt, I don't even wear. And like,

you know, my girlfriend just like cut it up to be like, Oh, an old t-shirt i don't even wear and like you know my girlfriend just like cut it up to be like oh i want to like i don't know make a pattern or like used it as a rag in the kitchen or something it would be shitty because that's my property right it's my thing like you you would need to talk about this unless we were expressly like hey this is a piece of shit do whatever you want with it you know yeah yeah it's like it's it's fine if that's how she treats her stuff cool but like unless you're doing the same thing like unless you've been like oh you treat your shit stuff like shit so i'm gonna treat it like shit because then that's a culture of like that's all she knows yeah but if you show her stuff respect and you show your stuff

respect then like it doesn't matter whether or not she understands the value of it whether it's sentimental or monetary now on the other hand touching the screen is that a capital crime well there i don't know there there are people who are weird about it because like you know how it goes all like wiggly i guess yeah um and people are worried that like you know if if enough force is pressed it can sort of you know yeah i goes all wiggly? I guess, yeah. And people are worried that if enough force is pressed, it can sort of rush her. Yeah, I guess it all depends how she does it and when she does it. Yeah, if she's fucking like wings, and she's just like, maybe she thinks it's a touchscreen, man.

I would just sort of sit her down and be like, hey, this is really important to me, and I don't appreciate you treating it like garbage. And you don't need to understand why it's important to me and i don't appreciate you treating it like garbage and you don't need to understand why it's important to me all i'm asking is that you don't do these things that's the thing it's like you shouldn't have to come up with a plan or like anything elaborate just to get basic respect yeah i mean like this this shouldn't be a thing that you should even have to think about it It should be like, Hey, like,

you know, again, if she treats her shit that way and she treats it, you're like your thing. I'm sure it's not malicious. At least the first time. Uh, maybe she doesn't know any better. That's fine.

Um, but when you've told her, if she still refuses to give a shit about what you're saying, then she is not a good partner. Yeah. Like you might have to touch her screen and throw her out you could you know be like well you can't use it anymore but it's like but then your relationship shouldn't be like a weird father daughter sort of like i'm punishing you you're you're at a time out for

my stuff like that's wild that's like that's not like the kind of this works the kind of person that doesn't care when you tell them that isn't going to take you not letting them use their shit well. Then they're going to go out of their way to use it. It's just the pettiness is going to just fucking exponentially grow. Because that is petty. It's like if someone's saying, hey, this is important to me. You're like, I don't get it. Why? You're kind of in peak pettiness and it's only going someone's saying hey this important to me you're like I don't get it why like

you're kind of in peak pettiness and it's only going to get worse from there so if the conversation doesn't work I don't know yeah I mean like kill it it's such a weird thing to like suggest maybe considering ending a relationship for but

thing is though it's indicative of like this person as a whole like it thing is though it's indicative of like this person as a whole like it's not yeah it's not this thing it's yeah it's kind of a microcosm of your whole relationship like she doesn't give enough of a shit that this very minor thing matters to her you know what i mean yeah it's it's like a fight waiting to happen like it's a bad fight waiting to happen because it's just a matter of time before she breaks it yeah um and then it's like what are you gonna do like you're are you gonna make her pay three thousand dollars for it because transorcer is not going to yeah like this i don't know it to me like yeah little things like this it might sound ridiculous to be like question your whole

relationship but it is indicative of like a general trend of. It's just like caring and like respect and all that shit. It's like if she can't do anything for something like this, like what's to say? Like, why should she then

care for something bigger? And if she can only give out energy for big stuff, that's going to suck on a day to day basis. OK, are you ready for the next person we're dumping?

Mm hmm. This is by Shell Fab. Would you tell your husband's female friend that something she did made you uncomfortable? My husband has a pretty decent social media following. In December, he started talking to a woman about their mutual interest. What is it, Dane? I don't know. Frogs?

Three yeses. Frogs is not one. Working out. Close. Running. They met in person at a running event in January, saw each other every day of that weekend. They posed for pictures alone and with groups and hung out often during the event. Next running event came and he couldn't make it. She took one of his Instagram photos,

made a cutout of them and carried it with her through the event so he could be there. In his eyes is completely innocent. It was the most amazing thing someone has done for him. It is just the community being supportive. He made a long post about it with a picture with her picture holding him. This is actually quite embarrassing to me as people i know have seen it and commented on the inappropriateness of it i will say i tend towards insecurity and jealousy because of past incidents this is something i'm working on however i know this is somebody plans to hang out with in the future considers a friend etc she's even made mention of us moving to her state should i tell her this particular incident made me uncomfortable yeah i think you should really all right yeah why not i

don't i don't think there's any harm in it like if are they friends the two girls two women it doesn't doesn't seem to be okay i i don't think there is. I think one, have the conversation with your partner first. Well, yeah. I think be like, hey, it just feels a little, you know, and like you don't have to necessarily be justified. I don't necessarily think she's in the right here. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then I don't think you like you have the right to talk about it. You know what I mean? Like you have the right to be like, hey, this has made me a little jealous and here are the reasons why um because if he doesn't know and he's just gonna keep you know going on as if it's normal yeah that's the thing

like hiding it and letting it fester isn't great because then the next time something happens it's gonna be a little bit worse and then the next time and eventually it'll be a blow-up when like he might not even know anything's going on kind of deal yeah it's snowballing in your head and it's plateaued on his yeah you know what i mean so it's like he doesn't think anything of it and every time something happens it's going to get bigger and bigger and bigger for you so he's going to be like where the fuck is this coming from yeah it's going to be i'm sorry so so like the first three things you were cool with but this one is your your tipping point and then if you're like no it's

always bothered me it's like well you know why did you tell me yeah a thousand times like communication is the most important thing if you if you only communicate at the point where it's like unsavable yeah then you've you fucked up you're not communicating yeah i would say definitely talk to him i don't think talking to the female friends should be a thing because like as far as like i think the i don't know the only way i find this any way bad is that they seem like pretty like newish friends so it seems like a bit much for someone who's like a brand new friend to be like oh i'm you know but also could just been like a little joke for someone who's like a brand new friend to be like oh i'm you know but also could just been like a little joke you know what i mean that got blown up and

like he made a post about it to seem cool and like you know there's all these things i wouldn't be too upset about it but like as a new friend if the wife suddenly shows up and like is a little weird about things like maybe she's not going to feel comfortable being this person's friend he could lose a friend without kind of like his input and like you know it could just be a really shitty situation where he's gonna be like that seems really petty and like bitter yeah i misunderstood i thought they were all friends like i thought she they were like the two women were friends no so it looks like when he goes to his running groups or his running events is when like he meets this person right okay uh i mean yeah it's like everyone knows like when i'm on set i specifically make sure to like you know talk about the people i was on set with you know what i mean so i if i make a

post about doing something on in on a set and i worked with you know a dp or someone or an ad or whatever that i like it's nice to make posts you know a dp or someone or an ad or whatever that i like it's nice to make posts you know i mean that's how you build like a community and and foster relationships that way yeah so i don't think it's he didn't get to go to this thing so like this one probably made him feel included but to like let him be included because then he could post and like i'm sure his other friends were at the race and like you know all these things it's like a little way for him to tie himself in because i don't know why he couldn't go but maybe he's embarrassed or feels like i don't know what the running community is like but maybe it's kind of like a faux pas like oh this guy doesn't care or

like whatever so like it is kind of a nice thing for this person to do and a nice thing for him to share i don't think it's inappropriate it's a fucking picture yeah i mean it's it's a big step like making a cardboard cutout of a dude is it's a bit intense but like again that's if it's a joke it's a joke yeah i mean like if it's light-hearted it's light-hearted like it would be like if she got a picture of his face on a t-shirt or something you know what i mean it's like it's hard to toe the line of like oh this is you've gone too far or like this is you're bordering into like sexiness yeah and the thing is it's like with those faces on a t-shirt and cutouts like they're they're they're meant to be ridiculous you know what i mean like they are meant to be over the top always so it's like yeah

it's somewhat more reasonable when like you're very close friends with someone but in general the whole point is to be a little like fucking loony you know like my uh so i was on holidays once uh i'm one of my good friends who i also worked with but we were friends before that uh she was her birthday her 18th or her 20th and a bunch of people i work with made a cardboard cutout of me and put my face on it and it was like life-sized and the whole picture or the whole like story of pictures and everything that came up from this party was all the girls i worked with going over and doing all these like really like lewd things to this cardboard cutout not because they wanted to do them to me but because it's a cardboard cutout you know what i mean it's like yeah it's like if you pass a piece of paper around, a lot of people draw dicks on it.

You know what I mean? So like even half the pictures were of guys doing it. You know what I mean? I'm sure it would be easy to be like, oh, my God, why is that girl doing that thing with your, you know, your cardboard cut? But it's just kind of like it didn't mean anything. It was just like a funny joke that like I think I made a joke about it and everyone just like ran with it because you know it's some people are the people that when they hear a joke like that they're like but what if i did it you know and it was really funny and like it made her party like really good it let me feel like i was involved it was great um so like i'm i'm all for

doing these stupid things you know and i'm all for how like it might seem bad you know what i mean because i'm sure my girlfriend at the time probably didn't appreciate seeing those pictures because she was a very jealous person yeah so i don't think there's any harm in sitting down talking to your partner expressing how you felt don't do it accusatory don't try to like make it seem like she's trying to steal you away because it's probably not the case um just be like hey this situation made me uncomfortable here are the reasons why um and then maybe work together as as a pair that you are because you're in a relationship with him to figure out what like the the grounds that you are comfortable with and maybe he like hopefully at that point he would then have a conversation with his friend and be

like hey um you know like if something he's's at least he's thinking of it. You know what I mean? So she might be really hands on touchy feely person. So it would be like instead of taking a picture where she's hanging off, which is, again, could be completely platonic. He could readjust and be like, now let's do this instead. Yeah. And like, yeah, you definitely like talk to him.

And as you said, don't be accusatory. Don't be like violent about it. I would definitely say come at it in a way where like you can be wrong, you know, like allow yourself to know that you might be blowing that proportion or you might be overreacting because most jealousy and insecurity is, you know what I mean? I say that as someone who's,

you know, done it. And like, if you're able to like have that in the back of your mind sometimes you can just talk to them and like voice your concerns you'll feel better about it and like hopefully he won't be shitty about it but like i don't really think it warrants talking to her about it maybe become friends with her in your own terms because i think that would probably help you'll get to know them better you know figure out whether you agree when you meet this person like maybe they're just like that maybe she'll have a picture of you next time you know yeah but yeah i say talking to her is too much until something way worse happens yeah you know yeah always talk to your partner

first yeah and i also think like you could foster a lot of like bitterness between you and your partner. If like, cause that seems like you don't trust them. A pain stamina, weird light might make things awkward with his friend, all that shit. You don't want that. Yeah.

Because ultimately she, like she has no responsibility towards you, but he does. Exactly. All right. Go for it. Um, you know what?

I'm just going to ride this wave since we're on it. This comes from user BritGuru. My fiance is leaving me over a watch. Basically, as the title says, he found it in the couch and looked up the serial number, and I guess it was a $400 watch. Anywho, he says I've been clearly having a man over

and I've been cheating. I most definitely haven't. I work full time and have a child under two. There's no way I'd put my energy into something that isn't beneficial to me or my daughter. I guess what I'm asking advice on is whether or not I do everything in my power to prove I don't have anything to do with it or let it be. Would that be giving up on my part

or is this out of my control? That's a weird one. Firstly, where the fuck did this watch come from? Okay, let's roleplay this. You're at your house. Tick, tick, tick, tick tick tick no you're not the watch um couch coach and and imagine like you find a watch in your house what do you think like what's the first question you ask your partner where'd this come from and she says i don't know then i'm like okay and i message the people who've been over at the house and see if they want to watch.

Ding, ding, ding. There it is. Like, if I found something that wasn't mine in my house, my first thought would be, I mean, like, if it happened in quarantine, I'd be confused as hell. You know what I mean? Like, I would automatically assume that someone that I had over to my house had lost it or left it yeah like my first inclination wouldn't be that like someone was here and this is that should be like uh when nothing adds up no one is claiming to watch nothing makes sense and you're like really confused then you kind of like you know toy with the idea yeah it crosses your mind and then you know you kind of try and figure

it out also maybe the kid fucking stole it and brought it home kids do mad shit right well it is two years old right well yeah under two that's fair unless his baby is a like criminal oh my god is it like boss baby yeah it's oh it's crime baby thief baby is this a boss baby baby geniuses oh shit maybe you found the new assess asset no assassins no yeah you can't you can't make this anal thing about baby you said it too oh god you said it too many times today that now i can't say ass ass ass god damn assassin hell yeah assin. Why are you saying it like that? Assassin. Yeah, like,

there are so many more things to go through. Also, I wouldn't be like, wait a minute, before I make any assumptions, I gotta figure out how much this costs. Look it up and be like, $400? That's cheating money! Yeah, like if it was a Timex or some shitty Walmart watch, would and be like yeah four dollars that's cheating money like yeah like if it was like a timex or like some shitty like would you be like oh no way no way she's cheating on me with this

guy i'm like wait wait wait this 40 watch that seems like a gauge style watch maybe gauge would wear a 40 watch you know that's the thing does it get worse or better if it's a $12 watch? Probably worse. If I was at a friend's house and then I lost a $400 watch, you'd think you'd know. That's the other thing. Like a watch is a pretty, like, that's a, you wear it every day, habitual thing. Yeah, I can't imagine you get past the next morning without realizing it's gone. Yeah.

Like I used to wear stupid fucking like bead bracelets in college yeah and if i didn't have those on it literally felt like i was naked keep going i was naked that's all i wore in college uh yeah no 100 like especially an expensive watch i think any watch in general you get like the cursory like, oh, did I leave that there? You know? So one of the two of you should presumably have had a friend be like, hey, see my watch? I don't. Yeah.

This watch is confusing me. However. It's a troubling thing. Everything about this is confusing me. Because the money shouldn't necessarily matter. The fact that your first thing you do is look up the fucking digit although i guess it does make it like a little bit more suspicious that someone would like not come back for a watch that expensive like it does make it stranger that it's been unclaimed but at the same time maybe it's maybe he like maybe he cheated and he's trying to like he's worried you saw. So he's trying to get out in front of it.

Maybe he's cheating with a man. Oh, yeah. Right? It's a twist we all needed. Yeah, I don't know. Like, there's really no... If she's telling the truth, which I will assume she is. I hope so.

You wouldn't lie to us, would you? Would you? Like, what else could you do if you're like it yeah i'm not cheating yeah other than doing like a fingerprint fucking dna swab on this thing tracking down send it into like 23andme or whatever yeah figure out who the fuck it is or at least where in europe they're from yeah what part of england they're from yeah um no like that's the thing it's like i assume you've said hey yeah i'm not cheating or like i don't know how that got there so like if you haven't done that do it if he wants to talk about it sure but if he's just accusing you and doesn't believe you like fuck it you know what i mean like there's accusing you and doesn't believe you, like, fuck it. You know what I mean?

Like, there's nothing you can really do to prove that you're innocent. Right? Yeah. And if you had, I'm sure you would have done it. And if they're determined to not trust you, then that's not a good fucking relationship anyway. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. It's like, he's already determined that he can't trust you.

Like, he's made this decision. He's found one thing, and it's like, you're cheating on me. I don't trust you. You don he's made this decision he's found one thing and it's like you're cheating on me i don't trust you you don't love me you know what i mean like all these claims have been put on the table it's like can you really stand on an altar as as your fiance as you're getting married and be like i will love this person forever i trust them completely and it's like yeah until you find another fucking piece of jewelry. Which if that happens again, though, like that's twice as suspicious. Yeah. Magic couch.

And like all it wants to do is make its owners rich by providing jewelry. But they just always break up and it gets sold again. Or what if it's a cursed couch? Oh, and it just keeps trying to ruin relationships. Because like, obviously obviously if they break up they're probably gonna move couch is gonna go somewhere else most likely yeah now it has a whole new relationship to ruin yeah or a whole new family to try and make rich but inevitably break up by accident so sad but yeah i don't know like if someone's that willing to throw you under the

bus like fuck it better off without them but do you under the bus, like, fuck it. Better off without them. But do entertain the idea that your child is a master thief. Please. Start leaving valuables around and see where they go. Yeah. Oh my god, sting operation on your kid. Get a fake fancy watch and make sure you forge that 12-digit number so they know it's expensive. Because it runs in the family.

That kid finds it, that's the first thing he fucking does too and that's how you know um you have to make sure you take away his like little appraiser's glass you gotta get that out of there so he has to kind of like you know wing it yes then he doesn't exactly know what carrot it is yeah i like it change the wi-fi password so he can't google it maybe take a finger or two as well so his like typing isn't there so he's just gonna wait until his other friend the evaluator baby comes around the baby fence baby black market um man their whole operation's all fucked up because of quarantine man oh yeah that's the thing in the park he had it stashed under the couch and usually mom and dad never fucking know right they're dealing by the swings he just slides into baby black market he gets some fucking like fruit

roll-ups or some shit you know he gets home he's hyped up on sugar the parents don't know why they think he's got add um and then fuck man he has to hide it all on the couch check the other couches what else is this little fucker stolen yeah check under his bed his crib because i promise you that thing's like just packed jewels oh yeah you gotta get one of those rubies those ink bombs that they put in like bag uh like bank bag yeah and then just wait and then when that baby comes in crying just covered in blue paint you just like i fucking got you nail you to the goddamn wall i got you. Nail you to the goddamn wall. I got you, you stupid son of a bitch. There's only one thief in this family. And it's me.

And it's you, you rascal. It's you, you fucking asshole. It's a good family. We almost threw out the couch. This is my incorrect conjugation. Things I, 37 year old female, have discovered now that my wife, 36-year-old female,

and I are both working from home. She ends calls with her female boss with, love you. She isn't hiding it, hasn't commented on it either. This is weird, right? Is that it? That's it. Didn't she say things?

A thing, I guess. Man, I was hoping for a whole fucking laundry list dirty laundry there are some great ones i've seen online since this whole thing started where it's like oh i realized my husband is one of those let's put a pin in it shall we guys let's circle back to it yeah yeah um she has not she's not yet, but hasn't commented on it. This is weird, right? No, no, no, it's not. Not all. I I frequently say I love you to the people I work with.

Mm hmm. And because like people, this is something I struggled with very long time. I used to think this is an Oscar truth. And like I was a teenager. So, so you know we're all fucking idiots then um but i used to think that like love was a finite resource where i couldn't say i love you if it wasn't like a hundred percent i mean it with all of my heart because if i say it too much it dwindles in uh you know worth where it's like it in in actuality it's the complete opposite the more you use it sincerely yeah the more important it is you know the more more abundant the resource is that 100 like i literally i was on the fucking jackbox with like ryan yesterday and i was like

love you you know every time i fucking call you like yeah you know so many people yeah the the end of our pathfinder sessions are six men standing out in the hallway hugging and telling each other they love each other yeah which is awesome yeah but here's the thing here's here's the thing is none of us are gay though so none of us have no none of us have a sexual attraction well that's that's fair well yeah i say it to girls i work with you know what i mean like but yeah and that's my thing it's like i i've worked with uh one woman at my bar since i started there so like five years to the point where it's like i now like she's a very close friend that i care deeply for and when we lock up together i'm always like you know have a good night love you get home safe yeah and the thing is like in work you're in the fucking trenches together it's like it's easy to make these close connections if like if you make

them they're often going to be quite close because like you spend a lot of time with these people you know and also it's like she's not hiding it if it was something bad she wouldn't be walking around the fucking house being like oh love you it's not like she's hiding a fucking watch on your couch yeah like then you got to get worried you know i mean like i don't know like take a look at your wife and be like look how many frogs does she have is it less than three you're probably good you know if it's more than that i don't know throw them out yeah i don't need to start understanding that like and this is something that like people have been asking for, for a very long time is,

is this sense of platonic love and the sense of platonic affection where it's like a hug doesn't necessarily have to be a loaded thing. It could literally just be two people showing affection to each other in a completely safe, normal way. Yeah. And that's the thing like i would honestly be happier about this because it's like your spouse is able to be a open and like friendly and loving and like cool like they're a good person they're like emotionally like mature and

like it's a good thing yeah if anything this probably means they're a really good partner. Yeah. You know what I mean? To be this open and willing to share love. And it's like, again, if there's, there's the line,

you know what I mean? Like you can't just be like, oh, well I open mouth kiss all of my female companions because you know, it's like, okay, well there's, there's lines that can be crossed. Of course.

You can't just be like, no, I'm just like really emotionally mature. I just fuck i want yeah um but here's the thing if your relationship has those parameters well that's okay if you're allowed you're allowed right yeah also it's like the fact that like it also shows she trusts you enough that like you know there are times where like you know if i'm on a date or something and like i get a call off day and i'm like love you they give you like that side look like whoa oh yeah and it's like you know so sometimes it's like i'm sure there have been times i haven't said it because i've been around someone like i just started seeing or whatever um so it's like she i'm sure

knows how this can sound and clearly doesn't care to do it around you because she trusts you and knows that you're not gonna be weird about it which is funny because you're being weird about it you're being weird about it you're on fucking reddit it's important it's important to know that you don't have the monopoly on your partner's love nope you know what i mean so like nor should you no absolutely not that That's a wild, dangerous thing to do. And completely unfair for both partners. You know what I mean? Like if I was in a relationship and I only loved my partner, that's a huge burden on them.

And vice versa, where it's like if I'm in a relationship and I'm expected to only love you. Yeah. That's also really unfair. Yeah. And like, unless you're living a really grim life then you're just gonna have to lie to your partner yeah because like i don't think it's easy to go through life and not love people yeah i mean like i think a lot of people do and they hide it and repress it because they're 100 concerned still feel it though exactly what your you know what

the question asker is is putting on the table you know i mean a lot of people don't pursue uh uh relationships with people of the opposite or you know the the people that they're uh attracted to so like if you're a heterosexual man like me like a lot of men don't pursue relationships with women because they're worried that it's going to make their partner jealous or they're worried that it's going to look so you have this sort of like you know community or or there's this world where the only people the only time that men and women are allowed to be friends is if they are actively trying to sleep with each other and that's that's what got us in this fucking mess in the first place obviously if they're doing some other

weird shit sure but like i think look at the facts right one people love other people than you it's it's gonna happen to a lot of people do this three she's not hiding it she's not being weird about it like clearly there's nothing happening here yeah if she dipped out of the room at the end of all of her phone calls and whispered like love you yeah then like okay great those those are you know warning signs but if she's sitting in the office with you and she's like okay love you have a good one yeah like that that right there is a casual platonic love you you bring it up i'm sure again if you're cool about it but like yeah don't make this a fight don't make this weird because like she works with this person if you make it a thing there's nothing they can do short of

leaving their job you know what i mean like that's it's just going to be a fucking minefield for both of you also can i just say how lucky this person is to say it to their fucking boss yeah i mean like to be to win a job right where you're you're comfortable enough with your boss to like you know say that you love them yeah that's fucking awesome that's a that's a good fucking job if you get this person fired from their awesome job yep come on don't do it don't do it we've talked about this before so I feel like it's it's something we can breeze through. This comes from user Stardwag64. Is being smacked during sex safe for female self-esteem? Hi, so my girlfriend recently shared with me she likes being slapped during sex.

We're both very much into it, but I'm worried that being degraded like this might be bad for her subconscious perception of herself. Am I right to be concerned about this? Or is it fine as long as she understands it's just helpful for us to get in the mood if she likes it i doubt you have to worry too much about it one two aftercare three just just do it right you'll be fine if if you were like no only sluts like that you know only whores want to be treated like that i'm not doing that is a way way more toxic and way more damaging uh response to it if you're like yeah for sure let's look up how to do it safely let's figure out safe words let's you know like set the parameters of of how hard you

like it and what happens if i go too far yeah like if you put the effort in to make sure it's a safe and enjoyable thing and you care about her her safety her emotional state her pleasure she's gonna think she's gonna be very reaffirmed in herself and in her relationship and in everything because you're giving a shit and you're being nice like that's not gonna yeah that's gonna be the opposite no one's gonna feel like they're worthless if you're going out of your way to show that you care you know what i mean like if you if you're putting out of your way to show that you care you know what i mean like if you're putting in the work and being like hey i want to make sure that this is an enjoyable experience and safe and that you're taken care of like all those things are ways to show that you care about someone and therefore the exact opposite of what you're worried about yeah

so i think just like make sure you set the parameters like have some good like aftercare and like just make sure that like you know you do reaffirm them afterwards if you're worried about this you know especially depending on what you guys say in the in the throes of what you're doing and just you know if you're careful about you should be fine yeah absolutely just just make sure you're safe make sure it's consensual and you're good if everyone is is is on the same page you're you're gonna be fine and it's like that with any kink you know i mean like any any sort of uh degradation or uh bdsm dom sub sort of thing if everyone's on the same page then you're you treating their fetish with respect and courtesy and,

and them with respect is only going to bolster their opinion of themselves. Cause they're, they're what I'm sure they've probably been judged for in the past is now being validated as normal. Yeah. All right. That was a quick one. That was a quick one.

And now we're in perfect wrapping up time. Hell yeah. let's do it hand me the scissors I got the tape make sure you fold those lines fold those lines Dane what who follows lines when they're wrapping fold I said

oh fold who doesn't follow us like also I'm terrible at wrapping so I'm alright what i do is i my rapping strategy here it is boys it's fucking april and we're talking about wrapping presents well hey by the time we get out of our apartment i i start with my brother's gift because he doesn't give a shit how i wrap it and work up to my mom's gift because you get so that i get i get used to it and then my mom's gift looks good as hell she doesn't again care either but I care I want to present the best possible

gift to my mom so I'm the opposite where I know it's not going to be great so I fuck your mom I relish the horribleness and it becomes like a oh look how bad this one is like oh it's cute or like it's quaint it's it's nice thank you very much for listening

and joining us this week on our fine program. It's been a pleasure. We've had a blast. I hope you also have had a blast. We love you. Yeah. I hope everyone's still doing well, still keeping on. Everyone's, yeah, staying safe, following rules.

If you're protesting, fucking knock it off. Get back inside. Oh, God, yeah. If you're a protester and you listen to this, just like, what are you doing? Come on, bud. what are you doing come on bud what do you do what are you doing just go get back and get back inside what are you what are you doing tgi fridays is going to be there when this is all done yeah there's apple bees is still gonna be there man yeah like for real your hair's gonna grow but someone will cut it also guess what no one's gonna see it if you don't leave your fucking house yeah no one gives a shit yeah no that's that's definitely a thing

people need to fucking stop yeah sorry i know we we tried to avoid the the unpleasantness but this is this is just some book wild shit what are you doing what are you doing out there i watched a video of the protesters the other day or this right before we started and i was just i'm just so boggled by well it's like it's like seeing an electric fence and like a sign being like you know don't touch this and you're like it's my right to touch that and you go and touch it it's like cool okay so you've shocked the fuck out of yourself. Good job. Apart from you're standing in water with elderly people and you shock them too. And they die.

And then you go get your hair cut. The troubling thing is there's no satisfaction. Usually when stupid people do stupid things, you're like, ha, gotcha. But like here, I don't want people to die. I don't want to be like haha you died because

you're an idiot but they're not even the ones that suffer usually they'll just pass on to other people who'll die i know it's it's a troubling time so what i'm trying to say is let's all chill and respect each other treat each other like we could you know kill each other and therefore just stay the fuck home please guys, guys, just stay home. Yeah, stay home. Also, the better you stay home, the sooner this will all be fucking done with. Yes. I personally want to go get wrecked on the patio with Dane when the weather turns, so please don't ruin that for me.

Yeah. I want to have a boy's brunch day, and I haven't been able to do that, will I be able to unless you stay the fuck home I just want to get a big sweaty boy pile where we just hug forever oh man 100% well guys we love you send us in questions if you got any yes if you'd like to reach out to us we're at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com you can find us on twitter at FCK underscore buddies on Facebook at FCK buddies podcast and on the worldwide web at F buddies podcast.com or plenty of beef.ca. Hell yeah. Thank you, Josh Eagle on the harvest seas for their song paper stars.

Now, are you comfy? I am. I'm pretty much always comfy now. Cause I don't have to share leg room with you. So this is a mystery. So that summer Rebecca had an internship. I had a novel that she was sure I could write, and we had an apartment,

albeit one that belonged to a friend of her father's who had left a great deal of food behind along with a Post-it note exhorting us to enjoy it. On our first night in the place, we had vigorous and prolonged sex, in the course of which we shoved every appropriately sized vegetable in the kitchen inside herself, and also rubbed her by then quite juicy vagina on

the arm of the sofa, against the standing lamp, and, in an impressive split, down the center of the glass coffee table in the living room, while I lay underneath and gazed up. She got herself off, finally, by rubbing her clit up and down the long turquoise spine of a coffee table in the living room while I lay underneath and gazed up. She got herself off, finally, by rubbing her clit up and down the long turquoise spine of a coffee table book about Mallorca. I say finally, but by then she wanted to put her pussy on each individual page of the book.

I pulled her down to the carpet, both because at this point I was extremely aroused and because I was concerned about paper cuts. I pushed into her, and it felt the way truly great thrusting can. Like the mucus membrane of the world is helping you break through itself into something new and less pretty. Come in the ice cube tray, she said. Huh? The fuck's wrong with this woman?

Also, this guy's like, man, you're not getting off yet? It's like, yeah, maybe just have sex with her. Maybe just stop letting her fucking snail trail around this goddamn house. So it's written by a guy. I know that much because it was actually, I saw this shared on Twitter and it was a bunch of people being like, does this guy know anything about vaginas?

Because like, they're like the thought of rubbing my clit off the rough back of like an old dusty, like turquoise fucking dictionary. Like, ouch. And like, ugh. Or how about right down the middle in the split across a glass coffee table? Girls don't just smear the- What does that even do? They don't just smear the vaginas on everything.

Just like, quick, put everything you can in here. Anything you can find. I don't give a fuck. Also, why would you want to put your vagina on every page in a book? Also, these are the worst... How would you do that? What does that even mean? I assume just like, open the page, like, next page, next page.

But that's... Okay, well, the thing is... There's no... I don't know. That hurt. Her by then quite juicy vagina. He did specify that by that point it had gotten quite juicy. I would have figured

by the time she fucking Windexed the fucking coffee table. The worst part is I can see it. Yeah, I can too. And apparently he can't because he's looking underneath it. He's just under, like what are these people doing? Oh man, yeah, so there you go guys um here is a to wrap us up i've got a porn hub

user quite or user uh comment and i feel like this is this might be the author of that book um kanata i'm your dad 420 says why are the girls always naked my name is dave miller I'm Niles Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies. Stay safe.