F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 84 - Matthew's Famous Brisket

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Look, we know you've got a lot on your mind.  Deadly pandemic, murder hornets... full body mythical creature tattoos.  We're here to take your mind off all this craziness for a hot, sexy hour.  You're welcome.  Topics include how to seduce an angry woman, peeing someone else's underwear, masturbation fines, bringing the goods when you blow too soon, how to defeat a succubus, when you're bored of explaining yourself and how to communicate in a communcationless relationship.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller. And my name is Niall Spang. And we are your fuck buddies. Welcome to the podcast.

Come on in. Pull up a chair and sit down. Dave, open up the podcast door first. No. Good. I won't. Okay, sit outside our podcast, but don't forget to listen. Yeah, I want your faces pressed against the glass and your hot little breath just fogging up my windows. We have sanitized the podcast glass. You're good. I want your faces pressed against the glass and your hot little breath just fogging up my windows.

We have sanitized the podcast glass. You're good. Like a bunch of podcast perverts. Yeah, ooh. Podcast sickos. I'm calling the cops on you as soon as this is over. I'm all right with it for now. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you guys got roughly an hour. But then we're going to get weird. Or, I mean, then it's going to get weird. We're going to be weird this whole time uh what do we what were you gonna say what were you gonna say i just say what the fuck do we do in this podcast dang uh we're dating a sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations we basically take either submitted questions or questions off reddit and we just fucking answer them for you guys we know you're thinking the same thing because that's how the internet works when one person puts it on the

internet everyone thinks it well yeah yeah we know every single one of these questions is going to relate perfectly to you in particular yeah man i found uh i had a hard time this week the first question i looked at was probably the grimmest question I've ever seen. Oh, I've seen some grim ones. Was it about, was it about fake babies? No, it was about breaking the legs of a chihuahua. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Well, have you ever heard of reborn dolls? Yeah, no, I, yeah. Did you read that one yeah yeah that one was i don't know it was a little sad to put on this podcast i think yeah i mean it also didn't have anything to do with dating so i i just skimmed over it was like this is too sad for me to be concerned with yeah yeah that's that's the downside that's the dark part of this we don't really talk about we got to roll through a lot of fucked up shit to bring you guys some stuff uh do you have do you have a fun question to start us off with because a lot of question yeah like something something we can we can play around with i i got a few uh let's you know what

we haven't really done a deep dirty dive dive into seduction Reddit in a while. Oh, no. I saw so many today that I... Probably because the world is already fucked. But are you ready for this? Yeah. This is by GP Tamink. How to spot a sexually frustrated woman?

And this is outer game. Because we obviously have to clarify that. Yeah. And here's what they say being angry is sure tell she is frustrated what are the signs you notice in a sexually frustrated woman making easier to game her um i mean it's the classic if she's pulling the labels off the beer bottle a hundred percent she's tearing up a coaster coaster yep tearing up the coaster lots of hair fiddling there's a lot of hair like

you know twirling and and that kind of stuff if like everything she grabs is phallic and you see her just start to wank it like inadvertently you know like she's just walking down the road like giving the tree a little tug and then there's a pole and she's just giving that little stroke spitting in her hand going back keep him walking know, if she's dipping her juicy vagina on all of the pages of books nearby books, if she's just given those, um, that's a, that's usually a pretty good sign. That's one of the big ones. Um, now the only thing is lately there's been a lot of conversation online as to where it kind of stops becoming that surefire kind of like, you know, that, that surefire kind of like, you know,

that, that surefire sign, like is, does it have to be the whole book? It needs to be clear that she's going to do every single page, every single page. I just, yeah.

If you see her just kind of like flipping through and being like, oh, that's a good one. Then, you know, is smearing it, uh, slug,

like a long, uh, glass coffee table. Is that, uh, does that necessary? Or are they both separate signs sorry i feel like i'm not the expert on this um it depends if you're sitting under the table and

she does it yes but if there's nobody sitting under the table then uh she's a criminal who knows oh okay okay uh can you hear all that banging in the background by the way i can hear like a yeah so for anybody listening that is my neighborhood does a little like clap some pots together for the essential workers and the doctors. So I guess we should take this moment to say thank you. I know it's a terrible time to do it in the middle of talking about snail trails and horrible stuff from seduction, but you guys are fucking amazing. All the frontline workers, all the nurses and doctors and everyone essential who's out risking their lives for like i don't know yeah keep everything on rails uh

thank you all the grocery stores and cashiers and everyone's stock of drug stores and delivery drivers transit everybody you're doing you're doing you're doing good work and we appreciate you because our lives would uh would be fucking terrible yeah with without you yeah sorry i just one want to check that wasn't ruining the audio and two want to say that so now back to the snail trail yeah it's i i i mean i can't go on with this anymore no um i've hit my i've hit my limit also i'm sorry telling men in fucking seduction that women being angry means they're sexually frustrated and like easier to game is like that's like saying people i don't even know what that's like saying because everyone they probably talk to is fucking angry don't encourage them more

oh that snarling pitbull just means he wants you to pet him more yeah well at least in that way they'd be hurting themselves and not other people it's like oh she's real pissed off i'm getting there yeah can't leave now uh no if someone is angry leave them the fuck alone unless you know them and you want to make sure they're okay yeah if you're trying to game them actively people who seem to be upset also if you have to find someone sexually frustrated for them to consider you you're already doing it wrong yeah and hey like give it fucking you know a couple more months when we're all out of this everyone's gonna be sexually frustrated man it's gonna be you won't need to look you won't need signals you could just be like oh hey were you in quarantine and single cool you're a

fucking a mess you know what i want to know i want to know how many of these seduction people are still trying to game people out and about. Like, I'll bet you, I will fucking bet you there's a whole bunch who are like, you know, trawling at the fucking like grocery store, like probably not even adhering to the six feet away. Just like, hey, girl, I like that mask. You know what else can cover up your mouth? My balls. Yeah. Hey, well, man, I wonder how these guys are getting on when they aren't able to tell whether a woman is smiling or not because they can't tell her to like, hey, girl, just give me a smile. Unless you already got one.

If you already got one, I guess it's probably nice. It's probably pretty cool. Yeah. If anyone listening has had someone try to, like, pick them up during this time, please let us know. Because I was thinking about this the other day. I know someone out there is fucking trying. Yeah. I'm also sure there's people on fucking Tinder and shit.

I still have Tinder on my phone. And, like, every now and then it'll be like, there's a swipe surge going. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, yeah, of course there is nobody's doing anything and like two no one's gonna like don't promote this tinder don't try to get people like what are you doing yeah anyway i figured we'd start off with that one because it's fucking ridiculous well then i'm just gonna fucking tank this right away this coming from a throwaway account on Reddit. I, a 49-year-old female, caught my brother-in-law, a

24-year-old male, in a revolting act. Oh, is this the pee one? Okay, just fucking ruin it. Fucking spoilers. My head is spinning at the moment. I've just caught my brother-in-law pissing on my underwear. It's nearly 1am here and my husband is at night duty. I got

woken up, got up, and found him in the bathroom with my panties on the floor. It's nearly 1am here and my husband is at night duty. I got woken up, got up, and found him in the bathroom with my panties on the floor. He's been here for the last 15 minutes trying to explain and begging me not to tell his wife or her husband. He's said he's just been under stress lately and this is a harmless release and then he's not hurting anyone. His wife is an emergency

worker who's on the front line of this virus. He's starting with us, or I guess he's staying with us, for health and safety reasons. If I tell my husband what has happened here there will be a big blow-up but if i keep this a secret i feel i'm almost condoning it i have no idea what to do uh uh if of course it didn't help that i'm wide awake when i should be asleep any advice is highly appreciated just stop thinking about his uh like how this is going to affect him he's the one that did this shit it's like i'm sorry his best interests are no longer like fuck it who cares i'm sorry he lost his uh like his fucking words this is so weird i actually

didn't read the whole thing because i wasn't going to bring it to the podcast so good job dang here i am i'm doing the things you're afraid to coward yeah it sucks that they are still thinking about this person's best interests and i feel like you give up the right to that when you're being kind of gross and weird also he's peeing on the floor that's that's yeah i was like you're skipping right into the sorry there's so much here um it's like are you is the are the panties on the floor and you're just peeing all over the floor or did he like you know drape them over the the toilet pee on them and then throw the piss covered panties on the floor not great either did he have a pile of unpissed panties on the floor and a toilet full of pissed panties. But like, also, if it was on the ground,

sudden, but not pissed on, how did she know? Because I'm imagining she walked in and he was just letting loose. It was on the floor. Also, I'm sorry, lock the fucking door, bud. Like, if you're going to the bathroom in general,

probably something you should do. If you're peeing on someone's panties illegally like dude this makes me believe that he wants to get caught well most deviants usually do but like to get to your point i don't necessarily know i mean like yeah she is thinking about the consequences of her but it's also like it's the consequences of her whole life more or less you know i mean it's like well it seems to be immediate like her his wife's on the front line he's staying with us because of x y and z like i'm kind of like that seems to be the one of the more pressing ones yeah and like the fact that she knows i guess her husband will not take this well which fair um and it's like

what does like where does where does that go yeah but at the same time the other option is just like ignore it and then pee panty pervert in your house and like it almost becomes one of those things where it's like if he does it again let's say in three years like then do you say hey he's done this twice now and then your husband's like why the fuck did you not tell me you guys have both known about this for three years like that's fucked like did you enjoy it did you you know like then it becomes a little bit more like did you okay this because it's almost like you're almost complicit in a sense and i know that's kind of not what's happening but like they might see it weirdly on the other hand you can just

blackmail the shit out of this guy for life wow okay you just like take that out you know i mean yeah it's like if you're ever having a family dinner and the check comes oh yeah i'm like oh i think thank you so much gerald yeah gerald you're gonna pick this up that's that's so nice of you excuse me i'm gonna have to go to the bathroom yeah i'm just gonna go i'm gonna pee my panties if i sit here yeah oh you've just oh that this act of generosity has just really made me want to pee my pants in excitement i mean everyone's gonna think you're the pervert after this but hey man you're gonna free dinner for life in reality though i think you just you gotta bring

it up and the thing is if it's like i doubt it's just you you know what i mean like this this seems like the actions of someone who's gonna pee on anyone's panties when they go wherever they go you know like if he was sitting with someone else's family like i doubt it was just you and if it is just you that almost makes it worse the acquisition of panties makes me like i want to know like is there a laundry hamper in the the bathroom that he just kind of like or did he go into your room rummage around pick out his favorite like i there's there's a lot of troubling shit here and a lot of boundaries being crossed um like what if not just the peeing you know i mean like that's that's weird enough as it is

but to like then think that oh this guy has gone through my underwear drawer yeah which is and and even like again it could be socks you know i mean like underwear is is a specific sort of uh privacy or like any anyone going into any of your shit like it also be like any of your items he's pissing on them that's not cool yeah and it's like what like that what was the plan then was it to then sneak it back in and like put it put it all peed on back in the drawer or was it to put it in the laundry like i don't i don't know what the end game was so like it makes me feel like there might be like a mental health issue in here as well because like not like people who have fetishes and people who have kinks and stuff like that usually like know what they're doing and and i mean i don't mean like normal fetishes

or normal kinks where like it's talked about whatever but like people who like deviant fetishes where the other person isn't involved at least normally are like okay this like i'm gonna go in i'm gonna sniff the panties and i'm gonna put them back and it's it's untraceable quote-unquote unless you get caught but like this there's a whole piss line of evidence well i'm assuming they were dirty already and they were aiming to go into the you know the washing machine and that's probably why they thought they could get away with it how about this what if the hamper is in the bathroom he for some reason just pissed all over the floor maybe something happened maybe he was sleepwalking maybe whatever and he was like shit what do i clean these up with underwear and they were the first thing he saw yeah maybe he

was drunk and was just like hey this isn't the first time we've heard people peeing in suitcases and laundry hampers. Exactly. But honestly, I'm going to assume it's more on the other side because I'm sure there would have been some kind of fucking... Maybe he did pee all over the floor and he was like, well, I can't use a towel, but all this laundry in here. Underwear is genital. It's close to genitals anyway

i i don't know i i'm not gonna start defending this person when we have no idea um i what do you think do you think you should she should tell him i think 100 that the the husband needs to know because this could again like i i'm leaning towards some sort of mental health issue because like all of this is is very detached all this is like there's no there's no plan here i don't think it doesn't seem like there's like an end game or structure to whatever madness this man is doing well it's also like really kind of it's a lot very soon you know what i mean like this guy has only moved in very recently and it is under extraordinary circumstances.

So it's like to get that comfortable, to do something that extreme so quickly is kind of like wild to me. This is implying that this is the first and only time he's ever done this. But even if it was, like that would be so quick. Usually you like build up, you would imagine. So like if this isn't the buildup

or if it just takes that, if it's that intense for him that he has to do something this kind of risky, you would imagine, obviously, considering the fallout, that he's done it very quick off the bat. So it's like, one, has he been lusting after you for so long that he just can't help himself? Because that's kind of an issue of itself. But secondly, it's like, maybe this is just the start of his ramp up i don't know either way

none of this is okay because even on a baseline level he's fucked with your privacy and just general respect you know yeah and there's there is a level of like i said like privacy like tied to underwear you You know what I mean? Like there is a sexual connotation there. So like if it was, you just walked in and he was just pissing on clothing that happened to yours. Okay.

But like, it seems very specific that he chose underwear and there is a sexual connotation to that, which is, I think I like that. I think is the, the issue here, because like if he's working night shift and you're alone in the house with this guy like at what point does pissing on your underwear not become enough for him and all of a sudden it's you know he gets drunk or completely sober or whatever and decides that like maybe he

wants to pee on you while sleeping or maybe he wants to watch you while sleeping maybe he wants to masturbate while you sleep. You know what I mean? It's like you're in this house and it's like, there's nothing worse than feeling unsafe in your own home. Yeah. And that's the thing. You're,

you're not going to feel okay about this. So like, even if you do not tell anybody, you're going to have to live with this like day after day. And like isolation is hard enough anyway, without feeling like, you know, in danger,

having your skin crawling. Yeah, exactly. And feeling like just massively in danger having your skin crawling yeah exactly and feeling like just massively uncomfortable and unsure and awkward and all these things on top of the fact that like it might end up being the other way around where like after a while he might be like maybe i'll tell him maybe i'll say that you didn't tell him you know and then all of a sudden he might be blackmailing you because i do think the fallout could be bad if your husband realizes you kept something like that from him. I think you do, too.

And I think it has to be one of those situations where you have to be like, hey, I don't know what to do. Like, I think it's straight up. You just say this is what happened. I don't know what to do about it. And we need to talk about it because, you know, I don't feel safe. It weirds me out. Yeah.

And we, we need to make a plan and it's, you know, it's your brother. He's here because of you. Um, and like, obviously not accusatory, but it's like the,

the husband has to be a part of the, the solution. Like if he just comes home one day and his brother has been kicked out of the house and you're like, well, I just don't want him here. And you don't say anything about it exactly yeah that's a weird play because you're the villain now you know i mean you're the you're the person who kicked out exactly brother during a fucking quarantine peddling then and being like oh he did this like after the fact and have the brother be confused. Just, you gotta be straight up. This is by

Thraura L. Thraura L. My 34-year-old female boyfriend, 39-year-old male, wants to fine me $500 for lying about masturbation. For context. Wants to fine you? Yes. Okay. For lying about masturbation.

For context, we've been together almost two years, have lived together 1.5. A few weeks ago, 4-6, I agreed to tell my boyfriend ahead of time if I was going to masturbation. For context, we've been together almost two years, have lived together 1.5. A few weeks ago, four to six, I agreed to tell my boyfriend ahead of time if I was going to masturbate. I did this because he got really upset when I used my vibrator in the past. I'm not willing to give up masturbation entirely. I thought telling him ahead of time was a reasonable compromise. I did something stupid.

Monday night, I masturbated in the shower while he was asleep. I text him afterwards and let him know I used my vibrator or vibe. However, I previously agreed to tell him beforehand. I went back to my promise and thus lied to him. Now he is furious. He didn't speak one word to me yesterday. I apologized so many times Monday night after he woke up and read my text. I'm honestly sorry I lied.

This morning, I asked how we could repair the relationship and he says I need to suffer negative consequences since I'm the one who lied. He suggests a fine of $500, sorry, $500, which increases every time I lie. We have separate finances if this matters. I dismissed the fine out of hand since I think fining your partner is crazy. He said I need to come up with a negative consequence instead then since I didn't like his. I think my transgression, while wrong, was relatively minor.

I think I should be able to apologize and move on with no further consequences. He says I should be punished, which is a red flag for me i have a tendency to overreact though so maybe i'm wrong i'm worried i'm being dismissive of his feelings and solution because i don't like them is he being reasonable what do other couples do when one partner lies is there a scale for seriousness of lying or is any lie enough to break this trust seriously. She keeps saying she lied, but she didn't lie. Nope. I think, well, like, firstly, gaslighting? Can we just point out

that that's massively happening here? Because I'm pretty sure he has her convinced that she's a liar now and that she needs to make up for this problem. When, like, realistically, I think the only way

you could even consider this a lie is that she said she would say it and didn't. So she lied. Also, like, realistically, I think the only way you could even consider this a lie is that she said she would say it and didn't. So she lied. Also, like having to schedule your masturbation is the wildest concept ever. Like there needs to be a sit down conversation with you and your partner and be like, hey, what's your problem with masturbation? Yeah. Like, do you not masturbate? I'm does he i'm does he tell her oh no that's probably fine but he's a guy dane like i don't understand also like if he's unaware of it then what does it matter if you're

masturbating like the only time your masturbation should bother someone else is like if you're pissing on their underwear while you're doing it right yeah and that's what like i thought that's where it was going where she like you know oh i'm a squirter and i you know squirted all over his couch and or like you know ruined his his you know collective you know baseball mitt worth 500 or something like but to just sort of arbitrarily be like oh you didn't tell me you were going to masturbate so you owe me 500 and every time you don't tell me you're going to masturbate you owe me more money and like yeah increasingly exponential this dude is just trying to fucking bankroll his isolation right here yeah it there's like 500 is a lot to you like you should not in any way police your partner's body like this especially just out of your own insecurity

because you don't like vibrators like what the fuck that's the other thing it's like is it just a vibrator like if she uses her hands, is that okay? Like, what is... I don't understand. Also, like, why should... If you're this bothered by something, being warned or told about it, like, how is that helping anyway? Like, this is a stupid solution to a non-existent problem

where your partner is being a piece of shit, and then he's trying to deal with being a piece of shit by being even more of a piece of shit. Yeah. I don't, I have no idea what's happening here. This is like, I don't know. This is a abusive partner who clearly has insecurity issues around probably sex toys because it probably makes him. No, Dan, let me explain.

What's happening here. I just, I don't understand why happening here i just i don't understand why any like i don't understand how this all happened like what what are the circumstances and forces that push this all together into existence i assume the way it went down he probably made her feel like an like he he made her feel like she was in the wrong probably initially like she he is doing now you know and this person unfortunately was convinced and gaslit into believing that her masturbation especially using this vibrator was bad and therefore she was beholden to actually asking this person

uh it's fucking insane you should never charge or fine your partner it's more than a parking ticket unless unless unless the speed unless you have a speed limit in your apartment and they break the speed limit oh of course but that's safety first yeah well if she vibrated so hard she broke the speed limit how fast does the vibrator vibrate that's exactly it um this is now you're just being irresponsible yeah that's true uh yeah this is so fucked and it breaks my heart to see you know I have a tendency to overreact. Maybe I'm wrong. No.

What do other couples do when one partner lies? They talk it out. Is there scale for the seriousness of lying? Yeah, but, like, it's pretty inbuilt. You know what I mean? Like, my lie about having a cookie versus lie about cheating, one is more serious than the other, just inherently. Yeah, unless you're really into those cookies. Oh't know the cookie was the worst one obviously but yeah i i feel like this is a burn the relationship the second you police someone's body about anything it's like

literally in this case because okay here's like the the fundamentals of if this bothers you so much and this person likes it then you're not compatible you know what i mean like if if it goes with anything like if you're a vegan and you're dating a meat eater and you can't stand the fact that they eat meat it's not their responsibility to change who they are to match your beliefs if if you're willing to overlook it and and or come to an agreement or whatever that's cool but if you enter into a relationship knowing full well that like this is a thing you then don't get to be like well if you're gonna eat meat you have to give me a two-hour heads up and blah blah blah it's like no that's not how you have to pay me

500 if you do it yeah it's like no you get into a relationship and that's sort of like an agreement of being like hey i know what you're about and i am not going to try to change you um like and if you don't it's like if you're not on board with who they are don't get in a relationship with them yeah and it's just fucked up to try and like take control of your partner in this sense and then extort them monetarily like it's so fucked up if you want to try and save the relationship, you need to be like, hey, the original agreement we came to is bullshit.

Like, I shouldn't have to tell you ever. If you have a problem with my vibrator, that's something we can talk about. But like, that's a you issue. It's not a me issue. So we're getting rid of that. And there's no way I'm paying you fucking $500. And you know what?

They'll probably freak the shit out right there and then. And the relationship will probably end because they don't sound like they're the most confident. And you know what? They'll probably freak the shit out right there and then and the relationship will probably end because they don't sound like they're the most confident. And if not, sure. If you guys want to actually talk, maybe they're, you know, you don't know how they're raised or their views. Maybe they are mistakenly believing that they're in the right, but

you need to put your foot down and if they're willing to move forward in a healthy sense, sure, but I don't think they will be and I forward in a healthy sense, sure. But I don't think they will be. And I don't think you should after this. $500 is a fucking ridiculous thing to ask for. I could just.

This comes from Reddit user, which I can only assume is how you're supposed to pronounce it. Husband comes instantly. I'm new here. So, yeah, I've been with my husband for 16 years and our sex life was always good. But lately he comes super fast, like within five seconds without foreplay. I love him, but I can't even come close. One time he was hard and then he just went soft while I was playing with it. And he's still ejaculate.

I haven't had an orgasm with him in months. And when we were, uh, and when we can get to the point of sex, it's very start and stop. Like totally stop. not just slow. What's going on? It's a huge strain on our relationship. We are definitely stressed out. Well, firstly, his penis shouldn't have any bearing on whether you come or not. Yeah.

Unless you can only exclusively come from a penis, which seems ridiculous. Like to me, that just sounds like this person is not putting in the work whatsoever like if there was some issue like sure what if for some reason he was coming really quickly or having a hard time maintaining a boner or whatever a good partner you would assume would still make sure you were taken care of so like that would have been you imagine the problem without the i haven't come in months um so i think that's its own problem as to why i don't know like are you guys having sex frequently is it like infrequent because you're probably not enjoying it so that by the time he is like oh shit we're having sex he's so hyped up that's just like you know he's so horny like everybody's gonna be after isolation that's what i'm trying to think he's like pent-up semen i'm gonna slop lazily into you most most people masturbate and when you remove

that from the equation if that's your only sexual release then you might now just be overstimulated when it comes time to have sex because you you aren't, you know, a drain in the snake on a regular basis. And like are like sex is with a person is a lot more exciting than masturbation. When you're like 15 and you jack off, it doesn't take two seconds or a minute or whatever. Whereas like when you go out with your first girlfriend it's like oh shit it's a lot more intense so like even at this point even if he is masturbating if your sex is so infrequent that when it actually happens maybe he's just so hype yeah i would love to know like when in terms of quarantine this all started um because like maybe there's like that's a lot of stress for people people deal with it differently um but like you, you're right.

Like if it sounds like the second he comes, it's, you know, hands are dusted off and they call it a night. And it's like, well, no. Like if you're suffering from premature ejaculation, then as embarrassing as it can be or as insecure and self-conscious as you may be no one's going to care if you then get them off especially like your wife of 16 years like yeah i do understand like if it was a new partner like it can be very embarrassing and like you never know whether that's going to kind of be like the last time you see them because now they don't want to sleep with you like yeah I can totally understand the massive pressure of that. But like, it's your wife.

You should be comfortable enough with them to like, they're not going to bail on you after that. So it's like they might if you just completely give up on their pleasure. But it's wild to imagine being married to someone for that long and still not being either one willing to discuss this issue or to just get them off like i can't understand any world in which you're like oh fuck well bye and like i mean i think what's presumably happening is that it's such an intense shame that it's sort of like a tail between the legs and yeah a runaway situation because like they do mention that they used to have great like they had a great sex life, which I don't,

I can't imagine included like no foreplay for her. Yeah. You know what I mean? So I assume that like this guy knows what he's doing. Yeah. And for whatever reason, like whatever happened to cause this has fucked him up so much that like the second he's,

he's, you know, becomes a victim of his premature ejaculation that he like shuts down as a defense mechanism like the more it happens the more he's going to be in his own head about it oh probably again it's like usually when you get in your own head about shit like this it's going to go one way or another you're going to come way too quick you're going to come way too slow you know what i mean like if you really want to come sometimes it's just like your dick's like huh what but if you really don't want to come sometimes like wait you want to come right now

you know like so it's probably one of those like self-defeating like or self-fulfilling prophecies where he's just like it's a circle a cycle you know so i think you guys gotta talk also it could be like you made a good point with isolation like stress diet exercise like all these things are being kind of thrown for a loop and also maybe in general like maybe depending on what your guys work schedules are maybe he has like his set masturbation times or whatever maybe when you're not home he just rubs on out and then he's kind of just like whatever and maybe since you're both home all the time he hasn't got a chance to do it at all so maybe he's just like running on like peak capacity and doesn't

maybe he doesn't even like necessarily realize that and is then getting in his head like you don't really know there's a lot of shit changing right now um yeah it's like you guys gotta talk about it like the more it's like that elephant in the room the worse it's gonna get yeah because it's gonna turn into resent it's gonna turn into shame and embarrassment it's going to turn into resent. It's going to turn into shame and embarrassment. It's going to turn into depression, which is never a good thing for, for libido. Yeah. That's not. So you're one, have the conversation with your partner, sit them down and be like, Hey, like, and be supportive. Yeah. Just be like, what's up? What's wrong? What's wrong with you? Why aren't you with your broken dick? Yeah. So like talk about it and, and make sure that like you reassure them,

like you said, like make sure it's very comforting and reassuring and make sure this isn't a time. Don't do this right after and don't do it right before. No, this has to be separate. Yeah. It has to be a completely separate conversation where you're in not a sexy

time mood. It is a, I want to touch base with you and and talk about this um and maybe consider seeing a sex therapist or a therapist because this could be a mental thing for all you know and like he might be dealing with something that he's not willing to talk to you about for whatever reason yeah i think you just gotta do it and make sure like it doesn't necessarily have to be a like problem as in like you know it could be like a mental thing could be a situational thing but like the more you guys discuss it and like realize you're on the same page and like work towards it and like even if you're like hey like i understand it but at the same time like you haven't gotten me off

either and it's like you know don't feel ashamed to want your own pleasure because I'm sure he's going to feel a lot better about himself if, sure, he comes quickly but gets you off. Like, if he still makes you cum, that's going to take a lot of the pressure off himself. You know, he might not even know that. Yeah. I mean, I used to have really bad sexual stamina. Like, sex would not last long with me. And I dedicated myself to figuring out how to go down. Like I'm as good as I am at oral because I used to be terrible at sex.

Yeah. Like when I was younger, for sure. Uh, especially like the first few times you were with like a new partner. Cause again, it's super exciting. Um, that like, yeah, a hundred percent there, there've been times that happened but like i never was like well that's me like if it ever did happen that was my time over and then it was all their time until they were done at least once you know and sometimes i'd be ready to go again by the end of it and then no one would even fucking remember that first time or it wouldn't matter you know

um and that made all of us more comfortable with them the next time so it's one of those things where the less confident you are and the more in your head the more the problem is going to get worse no matter what it is yep so have a talk make her come yeah this is by throw ra 376472 boyfriend is getting a massive tattoo of ex-wife's username? My boyfriend was married for six years and divorced in 2018. When I met him last year, I did a bit of internet creeping. Turns out he has zero social media profiles, which I didn't know at the time, so I ended up googling his ex-wife's name to see if I could find his profiles through her social media. She has a ton, and I know she uses the same username everywhere, The Succubus. The username has been changed to protect the innocent, but it's the name of a different feminine mythological creature.

He just told me he has plans to get a massive tattoo of a succubus, one that starts at one of his calves and twists around his whole leg, then goes up his butt cheek, and the main design is on his back, ending at his shoulder blades. This is startling for three reasons. One, he's a man in his 40s with no other tattoos, so it's a massive appearance change. Two, he showed me the design that's pretty sexual. It's a naked woman, tits out, touching herself. The succubus is like human-sized on him, wrapped around his whole body. Three, it's the same mythological creature his ex-wife uses as a username everywhere. I'm not sure what to do. It's his body, but I'm uncomfortable with it. It's bad enough that it's this off-putting design I dislike, but knowing the ex-wife stuff, I can't help but

this is a shrine to his failed marriage. I'm too embarrassed to let him know I internet creeped on his ex-wife back in the day, so I can't even discuss with him why this bothers me so much. Even if we could talk it through, best case scenario is him saying it's unrelated, but I wouldn't be able to shake the association. i wrong for being perturbed by this man it is that's tough what mythological creature do you think it is i'm gonna think it's a medusa that's what i thought too right you know a gorgon yeah because there's not too many that are like or less like a banshee yeah or like a siren or a like a maybe a mermaid yeah yeah maybe mermaid yeah um all kind of weird uh here's my thing i like what if the reason she uses that username is because he's super into those things oh like what if what if mermaids was his

thing first like what if he is a big mermaid man oh yeah and that's why she called herself the mermaid because he loves them and he loves her yeah and then she fucking ruined it for him and this is like reclaiming just being like nah fuck it mermaids were thing. What if it was an ironic name and he's terrified of them and he's getting this so that he never gets back with her? Maybe. Like she's just butt scared of mermaids and one day she's going to like strip him down and be like, ah, run away.

And he's going to be like, phew. Yeah, I don't know. Well, like a full body tattoo as your first tattoo is kind of fucking mental one good luck finding someone who does that well that's the thing well i mean like a good one because like most real tattooists will be like no yeah start off this is your first tattoo absolutely not like i know people who won't do sleeves as first tattoos or like anything invisible areas yeah like i know people who will not do knuckle tattoos as first tattoos or like wrist tattoos it's like nope i'm not gonna

do it yeah which is crazy because this person's either gonna just get hard shut down so it'll be fine or they're just gonna have to go to someone so cut right that like the only thing worse than a full body tattoo was a bad full body tattoo i i did like it's so hard because like either you admit that you fucking creeped his ex-wife which like you know everyone fucking does it whatever um the only like play i think you could do is sort of be like oh i popped up on my feet as a suggested friend oh that's a good one right and be like wait like oh you wanted a mermaid but like her name is mermaid like that's yeah that's a bit weird so totally going around this i think you could just be like hey i'm pretty sure when we start dating like i i was trying to find you on social media and like

she popped up and isn't that her name you could just like throw it off and if you specify that happened ages ago and like maybe you're not sure whatever maybe he won't get too hung up on it um two that's a good one by you dan three surely he has friends who also probably know this person because he was married to her for six years so they probably know so either talk to them or get them to talk to him you know yeah um or just like bite the fucking bullet just like fuck it is maybe having an argument about you creeping her back in the day which again it's not exactly that weird everybody does it um yeah like if someone's like yeah i creeped your ex when we started hanging out like okay that's fine i don't know

or just be like hey but there are also people in the world who are fining their partners for master so it's true we're trying to pretend we live in a world where you know cooler heads prevail but if you talk to them and that happens good then you can break up with them and that's that full body tattoo is not your problem anymore and that's a pretty good like that turns out pretty good because this person if they're going to do that it's going to happen at some point. So better to get it out of the way now and not have to worry about this full body tattoo, then have to watch it slowly get carved into his flesh by a terrible tattoo artist as you question your entire life and whether it's something about his old marriage. Alternatively, you can get a full body tattoo of your ex matthew who's just you know his dick is

coiled around your leg and and he's just there just being like oh what's up even better because me matthew matthew was a foot and a half taller than you so your full body tattoo like ends weirdly like you don't have his head you just like he's like he's like crushed under and he's like kind of like tilted underneath oh it's almost like you know yeah like squeezing through a door that's too small i figured it would just like stop at his nipples around her like no you can't have a tattoo of matthew and not have his winning dimpled smile that's fair so just like it's matthew on his knees his knees are as long as your legs oh man that would be real good um you could also just bring up other reasons for you

being concerned about this because one giant body tattoo as first tattoo pretty pretty out there two it's sexual and weird like i don't know i feel like there's there's something strange about having a naked person of the gender you're attracted to tattooed on your body yeah weird like if you'd be a weird move if you got a back tattoo like a vampire like a hard dick yeah just being like i'm jerking off my vampire dick right yeah she's even touching herself be like cool you got me thinking i love dracula so here's one of dracula wearing nothing but that weird cape just jerking it just jerking it just going and then like underneath he's splooging out the name

matthew which is unrelated you don't worry about that that has nothing to do a splurge onto a broken wedding ring what does that mean i don't know it's metaphorical for nothing it's just it gets the people going like there are enough there are enough things to bring up here that are problematic that you shouldn't even have to bring up the wife but also just bring it up be like hey i fucking creeped her years ago when I was looking for you online. And it's our name. Let's talk. Okay.

I have a plan. Okay. You need to go to like a used bookstore and find like the oldest book you can find. And in there, you need to implant the tattoo and be like you can't get that it's an ancient evil like thing and then on the other page have someone like do an old-timey drawing of his ex-wife and be like oh my god oh no they're tied together but what if he actually like was obsessed with this thing it had nothing to do with her but then in this book he's like wait she was one this whole time and then he goes back to her

well problem solved again that's that's fair you've realized that he does not have you know he's not over his ex-wife yeah anyway let me know how that matthew tattoo turns out yeah he's just got a pan of his like famous brisket. Oh, hell yeah. Hey, guys. Yeah. And there's just like a star rating underneath them. Four point six out of five.

Hell yeah. Matt was great. Yeah. He always helped his friends move. He did. And you know what? Sometimes he even turned down the pizza and beer. He was like, yeah, don't even need that, man.

There was even a time where he bought the pizza and beer he was like yeah don't even need that man there was even a time where he bought the pizza and beer yeah like who does that when they're the one that moves matthew like people don't say it enough you know probably because they've gotten used to how good you are you know yeah like that's that's no reason we should not you know hang a lantern on it so matt this one's for you yeah hang a lantern on dracula's giant dick matthew's vampiric dick i will say kind of weird that all his condoms were shaped like coffins but that's just part of his quirk you know everyone's got a thing it's true at least he wasn't pissing on your underwear am i right god damn it yeah all right hit me um this comes

from reddit user Sportomatic75. Does that mean you feel like they hate dating because you basically have to re-explain yourself to every new person? It's like an author rewriting an entire book from scratch. Please don't edit it. Oh, yeah.

What's the problem here? What's the problem now? How interesting is this fucker? As someone who's written re-novels, re-written novels from scratch, I'm sorry, I very much doubt you are a hundred thousand words worth of introduction. Also, in what world do you,

like, unless this person's, like, English isn't their first language, which I'm pretty sure it is because I saw their responses, in what world does, like like explaining yourself like what the fuck does that mean so like i'm a gemini and like that kind of just like means that i i have no idea um also like how many dates are you having back to back to back to back that like because i get it like if you're in work and you're always like hey guys welcome in or like you know you say the same shit over and over again it can get pretty annoying but like how many times you have to introduce yourself and also clearly she's saying the exact same shit over and over yeah like you you have like a picture of who you are

that you feel you need to broadcast to every fucking person you're going to date with and it's probably a pretty fucking specific one if one you say the same thing all the time and two it's like a spiel like it's long enough to be compared to a book guess what if you had not done that maybe you wouldn't have to have all these dates because people might actually stick around yeah yeah it's it's such a wild idea that you have like i love it like that's i have an explanation that's a new one let me explain myself i'm so tired of explaining myself i just like i i really want to just be like can you just for the record so you can copy and paste it later can you explain yourself like what are you what are you saying?

Are you just rattling off trivia? Can you actually post and ask her what she says? Because I need to know. Like, I'm not sure I ever, like, have, like, I don't have anything to say about myself. I'm like, hi, I'm Niall. You know, maybe things will come up about me later on, but I don't have like an introduction. But like the only thing I can think of is that like she's saying something along the lines of like, I'm like you said, like I'm a Gemini. I'm a staunch Christian. I believe in this and this.

I'm a vegan. And you'd better be one, too. Or we can. You know what I mean? It's like she has like these these like list of demands and almost like a checklist that she goes through to see if you're compatible right off the bat. And it's like, well,

that's not how human beings work. No, especially not in romantic settings. Cause if, if a woman did that to me, if I was on a date and a woman went down like a fucking, you know, shopping list of,

of what she is and isn't. Also like what you are is for someone else to figure out yeah you don't get to like you don't get to be like hey just so you know i'm uh like boyfriend material and they're like oh cool let's just do it now yeah i'm super charismatic i'm really friendly i can it's like well i'm like so interesting yeah i'm super unique i'm a real wild card okay fuck me most of the time when someone describes themselves in a certain way they're the opposite yeah like anytime anyone's like i'm brutally honest that is my like i know we talk about red flags a lot but anyone anytime i've ever met a woman who describes himself as brutally honest i'm like okay i'm out i'm just gonna fucking jig on out of here yeah because they're not they're just dicks

yeah i was like oh so you just interject your opinion rudely without being asked like you you just feel the need to comment on everything is usually what brutally honest means yeah most people i've met who can who think they're brutally honest think they can call themselves brutally honest and then be mean to people they think less of yeah you know because they're never brutally honest to like that hot guy they like or like that girl they really respect but like that new girl who like you know there's a little frumpy she's got her glasses on she hasn't been given the makeover by freddie prince jr yet she'll be brutally honest with her yeah yeah this you shouldn't have to explain yourself you shouldn't be bored with if you're bored what you're saying in a date guess what your date is bored yeah yeah like if you can't even get over fucking talking about yourself yeah jesus no one wants to hear it no one and like the

point i think that we're trying to make here is when you go on a date, it shouldn't be a fucking, you know, rapid fire exchange of information. It should be a conversation. If the only thing you learn on a first date is like, in terms of like miscellaneous trivia is like what they do.

Great. You don't need to know their favorite color or their favorite music or, you know, their family where they grew up like none of that shit matters no it really does what matters is chemistry like that's what a first date is for is you go and like everything will pop up you know i mean like if they happen to mention like oh i was you know oh i went to london once because you know i i went to a concert it's like cool you've just learned things through conversation yeah great you now know that yeah

but like so no date should ever go the same way yeah like if your dates are going the same way something is wrong and that thing is you because like there's no other like think of it like an experiment like what's the constant you yep so you're doing the exact same thing for some fucking reason which means you're not taking the other person into account which means you have a balls-ass boring ass date yeah like all this is saying to me is you're a bad listener yeah because you know the best way to have a conversation is to listen you're also probably not an interesting person which makes the fact that you have the spiel about yourself even worse yeah so just when

you're on a fucking date first date or whatever just relax and just talk just have a conversation don't worry about getting information out if someone asks you a question answer it of course but like don't feel like if someone says you know if you're like oh i was at work all day today and you know i had enough time to go home and change before i came out and like oh cool what did you do for work you can tell them but then don't fall And like, oh, cool. What did you do for work? You can tell them, but then don't fall into the trap of being like,

and what do you do for work? Oh, I do this. Oh, cool. Where did you go to school? Oh, cool. I went to school. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah,

because presumably they should be giving you something back or saying something that's interesting enough to follow up on that you shouldn't be question, question, finish, question, question, finish.

You know what I mean? Like the next question should only come up when you exhaust that topic of conversation like they say something like oh yeah well i did sport oh really what'd you play oh basketball oh crazy like i suck at basketball like yeah i wasn't really good either but you know it was fun at least it was something to do after school blah blah blah blah blah and it goes on and then there you go that's how a conversation works ready for this one then okay this is by user mince ask why am i so boring every time i female 20 talk to my partner male 23 i can't think of anything to say this has been going on for about two years now i'm not sure how to fix this i can never think of what to do and always end up just leaving

or taking naps because I can't think of anything to do with them. Oh, boy. Help! I can't- I haven't been able to talk to my partner for two years. I usually just pretend- I go to sleep instead.

Yeah, imagine walking to it and being like, Oh, hey, babe. Good morning. Hi. Well, imagine walking to it and being like, oh, hey babe, good morning. Hi. She just grimaces and curls up on the couch. Puts a blanket over herself. How can you not talk to someone who you're dating for two years?

This sounds like just bad, like just a relationship that you shouldn't be in. This sounds like the prequel to the person who asked the last question or the sequel. What do you do on a daily basis? Do you work? Do you have hobbies or friends or interests or like, can you hear things and see things?

Because like I saw a fucking squirrel the other day eating chipotle dip out of like a fucking pizza pizza thing and that was fascinating talk i'm sorry you saw a pizza pizza squirrel eating chipotle yeah no a chipotle dip from pizza oh okay yeah like you know i was like your story's fucking falling apart or it's that exciting but like there is every single little thing in the world to talk about and what do they do even if you don't do anything what did they do years it's been for two years dame maybe they've been quarantined for two years oh man yeah you if you don't have anything to say with your partner like if you can't have a conversation with your partner then it's like communication is important and not just to talk about things that you're struggling with or dealing with

it just fundamentally being able to talk to your partner yeah about anything is is fundamental of having a healthy relationship what's the point of having a partner yeah just also like this person is 20 that's 10 of their life think of how much you could get done if you weren't pretending to sleep like if you if you broke up and lived on your own all that napping you could be doing something you could be like doing things that were worth talking about maybe that's why you have nothing to talk about you just sleep all day oh man do you not have dreams you could talk about those dreams that you had when you were in that room instead of talking to your partner. Let me tell you right now, Niall.

It doesn't matter how boring you are. It doesn't matter how interesting you are. Someone telling you about their dream is the most boring thing ever. It doesn't matter what that dream is about. It's boring. No one wants to hear about anyone's dreams. Some dreams are cool. No.

Yes. No. Yes. It does not matter about anyone's dreams some dreams are cool no yes no yes does not matter terry's dreams are wild man you can't tell me otherwise if someone tells me their dream i stop listening almost immediately i'm gonna tell you every dream i ever have okay i'm very good at tuning people out good i've been with my partner for over two years but this question like upsets me so much i don't even know what to offer like i literally i think this is the first time i'm fully stumped i don't know other than being like just stop just end this relationship yeah it's like but also because he's not talking to you either apparently yeah like like a conversation two ways if you have

nothing to say that's one thing but like do you have nothing to respond with either like what like if he talks to you just be like oh well gotta hit the next time yeah like it doesn't make any sense like do you both just not talk yeah i don't know how is that even possible that's like guinness book of world record like level shit like that that must be more difficult than actually talking uh thank you very much for listening uh it has been a pleasure as always to uh cast our pods to you to cast podily towards you so we hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoy doing it also let me tell you this closet even with just me is very warm yeah even this fucking room is warm i had to close the window so that we couldn't hear all that stuff and i regret it i'm uh yeah i'm gonna change this t-shirt in like five minutes if you have any questions and you want to send them in so we can we can talk about your uh boring

uh non-talking relationships or your your piss-filled relationships whatever um or both uh you can send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. And you can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Do you have some bad sex writing for us oh you know you know i got some for you you ready to get comfy you ready to get comfy you ready to get

comfy i'm already comfy now wait have we done this one i gotta read it you tell me if we've done it before this is melvin bragg's a time to dance. We came together, do you remember? Always tenderly, at first standing, like a chivalric introduction to what was to be a voluptuous sensual battle. Just stood and kissed like children, simply, body to body, skin to skin, you slightly stirring against me, myself disregarding for those seconds the ram of sex aching below. Then we would be on the bed and I touching you, hungry. Eyes closed, fingers inside you, reaching into the melting fluid, rubbered silk, a relief map of mysteries,

the eager clitoris reeking of you, our tongues imitating the fingers, your hands gripping and stroking me, but also careful not to excite too much, and so I would fuck you gently, and then more strongly, and finally thrust in hard, and suddenly let everything go. Slam into me, me you used to say how you just slam into me i have no idea if you

read that or not i feel like parts of it stuck out but the like describing a vagina is melting fluid rubber yeah i don't think i'd remember that i'm not sure if i purposely blocked it out of my mind i think i'd remember though but the the slam sure if I purposely blocked it out of my mind. I think I'd remember, though. But the slam into me you say, how you just slam into me, that seems familiar. See, the kissing like children also sounded familiar. Right? But then again, they're all so terrible. Should I do a different one?

No, no. We'll sit here. And maybe this will be the one where people are like, but wait, episode 49. Yeah, that's okay. Because it's so bad. It's still bad. And maybe this will be the one where people are like, but wait, episode 49. Yeah. If you, that's, that's okay. Cause it's so bad that it's still bad.

Even if we have read it before, like that's how bad it is that I'm reading it. And I'm freshly appalled. You know what I mean? I'm not like we have forgotten. This person wants to be pinned open, like an insect, whatever,

you know, this person is gushing two years worth of cum sloppily inside of her you know it's still horrendous it sure is um and to finish off this a fine episode of ours i have a pornhub comment from the user zellius 060 and they say i simply cannot condone this behavior absolutely shocking that she would steal a client from her own mother who's been in the industry for 15 years. I am shaking and crying right now. Oh, wow.

My name is Dave Miller. And my name is Nas Spain. Keep safe. And I'm shaking and crying right now. Oh, always. And we've been your fuck buddies. Be safe. buddies you