F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 85 - Elusive Pirate

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

In the interest of safety, we respectfully ask that you remain six feet away from your podcast player while listening to this week's episode.  You can't be too safe.  Topics include sideways boners, where are young people having sex, quarantine friends with benefits, how to leave pick-up behind and initiate sex like a human being, seducing your mom's best friend, cutting a new relationship off at the knee, dealing with tummy insecurities.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. Welcome to the podcast.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Basically, we take either your questions or questions off Reddit and we answer them for you about sex and dating. You like how I did that right away? It's almost like we've been doing this for 85 episodes. Yeah. And we only had to get a review to tell us to do it. I know. But we're getting there. We'll become a real podcast soon. One day.

One day. One day. Or maybe we won't. You never know. I've upgraded from sweatpants to my workout shorts now that it's getting warmer. It is indeed getting warmer. I also, I'm not wearing a shirt. Do you know? Oh, hell yeah.

Do you know that? I don't know why I told you that, but. It's okay. I am wearing like sweat shorts. So like if shorts are made of sweat pant material. Yes. The green ones, I'm sure. Yeah, exactly.

I'm also wearing a t-shirt i got in a box of beer that's extra large you could fit two of me in here oh i was you know what i was gonna guess i was gonna guess that purple or the the bright pink tank top yeah no my chang shirt yeah no yeah no uh fuck i was gonna say something but now i can't remember what it was it's okay we talked about the important things like what we're wearing. Ruined it by getting things all nakey. Sorry. I just want the listeners to have a fucking picture in their mind. A picture of our isolation slobbery.

Yeah. Fuck, what was I going to say? It was going to be really important. It was going to blow this shit wide open. A whole conspiracy. Murder hornets are just 5G in bug form? Well, yeah. Let's talk about the world uh fucking murder hornets are a thing now welcome to may babies yeah it's aliens do we even talk about the fact that the pentagon were like hey there were aliens and everyone was

like yeah yeah no one gives a shit about this i mean to be fair they've done that before they like i don't remember when but there was a time when the pentagon was just like oh hey by the way there's like aliens exist and no one gave a shit and now they're like no guys really aliens like look we have videos of like marines going fucking crazy because they're picking shit up on their like advanced scanners that they can't understand everyone's like yeah but corona and also murder vomit murder vomit you murder vomit oh great now you've put that into the world i guess we know what june is it's murder well you know what else has been happening this week what have you heard of the shampoo bottle challenge god damn it we say hashtag shampoo bottle challenge no um what

do you think it is the first thing that came to my mind was people trying to put a full shampoo bottle in their ass. Well, you know what? You're about right in terms of the horny scale, but you are incorrect. Is it people trying to deep throat shampoo bottles? Nope. Hornier, I think. Okay. I'm out of ideas.

Is it trying to like jerk it off and then squirting it to make it look like it's cum on you? No. Okay. Well, I'm out of ideas. Is it trying to like jerk it off and then squirting it to make it look like it's come on you? No. Okay, well, I'm out of luck. You told me horny and that's those are my three ideas. in those boxers and then tries to balance a shampoo bottle on top of their hard horizontal penis while showing off the shape of their hard cock. What do you mean horizontal? Like just so that it's like

perpendicular? Not out, sideways. Like it lays against the skin all the way over to the hip. Wait, what? I don't even So not like a 90 degree angle they're pushing it against like their thigh yeah if the body was a compass it would be pointing either east or west i don't even think i can put how do you push your dick to the side when it's hard either way that's the

thing now so there's a lot of thirsty people i don't know what it is but a lot of people who either follow us or follow the things we follow uh have been i've been retweeting about the shampoo bottle challenge because they are uh thirsty i guess so there you go hey man when i guess you haven't been touched in a while it's yeah you just gotta jam your dick sideways and put some shampoo on it also why would you do that again i don't think i'm gonna i'm gonna do an experiment tonight and see if i can not even balance a fucking shampoo bottle on my dick if i could literally get my dick pressed against my body like that like up and down i get see but to the side i feel like it can happen naturally you know when you're like trying to hide a boner and they can like or if you get one while you're wearing trousers again like go a little bit to the side. I feel like it can happen naturally. You know when you're trying to hide a boner or if you get one while you're wearing trousers it can go a little bit to the side.

But I don't think I could get one and then jam it over there if you know what I mean. Yeah, but still on the side it's always like hugging a thigh. It's going down the thigh. I've never had one go to my hip. Yeah. Anyway, there you go.

It's the shampoo bottle challenge. Well, there's a mental image for you. Do you want to get going? Yeah. You want to start off accusatory? What? I'm going to start off accusatory. Oh, I thought you were accusing me of starting off accusatory.

Nope, but I'm going to. Okay. This is my user, PTO1155. People age 18 to 25. Where are you are you having sex you'll even own a house the average bodies that people have in their early 20s is in the double digits according to multiple websites what does that mean i assume they mean like sex count this is from seduction so at that age almost no one has their own apartment or house so where exactly are you bringing these girls slash guys back to?

Your mom's crib? I've had two body counts, and I've had to bring them back to my house where I live with my mom. And it's very, very difficult. It makes it stressful to even look into it. Okay, so, okay, body count. All right. This is just dirtbag terminology. Yes.

Or he's literally murdering people. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, is there more? Is that it? That's it. Like, 18 to 20? I was living on my own at 17. Well, we all knew

you had a weird orphan rags-to-riches thing. Not really. Like, I was in... Most people move... A good chunk of people move into their fucking like dorms in college which is 18 to 25 or people have moved out of their like town to another call i mean like i i would say a good amount of people don't live at home between 18 and 25. Yeah. I like he's, and again,

it's a little bit different in Ireland because there's not necessarily the, like the condo availability and like apartments or whatever, but like over here and in America and in like a lot of places, it's almost standard. It's almost weird if you're not out by like 18 to 25. So North America, a hundred percent, because I'm assuming this person is from

north america for some reason um but i don't i don't get it i feel like this is like it's pretty standard most people do in fact have an apartment at that point or at least like you know they rent yeah it's like yes i don't own my own home but i have my own apartment and i've always had my own apartment like my entire adult life i've not lived at home there's a brief period after college where i was waiting to get into my like apartment where i lived at home for like six months with my girlfriend but yeah and it's like it's not a you know i mean like i'm sure there are some situations where people are living at home to like save for in a place or you know whatever and that's cool but like you're also then assuming that like everyone else is living at home so it's like if you live at home

there's a good chance the person you're trying to hook up with might have their own apartment exactly so you just go there yeah like i just love like there's it's not even like this person is at no point questioning like oh should i have an apartment or should i whatever just be like you don't even own a house it's like well yes most people don't own property between 18 and 25 but a lot of people rent yeah also it's like as you said the other person could have a place to go to or like maybe one of you has a car there's also fields and shit guys like that's what people do in ireland they go up to make out point they touch each other in the car there's alleys there's bathrooms like if you're a

horny teen you'll get it done if you're 18 to 25 you just have more options i assume yeah i like i don't i mean i'm going to assume this guy is like not from north america because like it's it's in culture as well you know i mean it's like it is quintessential americana to like move into your college dorm like that is literally like the plot of how many tv shows like very rarely do you watch a show about people aged 18 to 25 and they're still living at home. Yeah. Unless that's like the butt of the joke.

And not to say there's anything wrong with living at home between 18 and 25, whatever. But like, like most people I know who lived at home, they did very well because, you know, they saved money on rent and have now got a lot more savings than everybody else.

Yeah. Yeah, I've got like, again, I'm a girl or a woman that Amanda and I are friends with. She lived at home until she literally got married and they've just bought a condo. Yeah.

It's like, well, I couldn't do that. Also, this guy is from Canada, Toronto. Okay, then there's literally... Yeah, I just scrolled and found that so no excuse i feel like he's just out of touch with everything yeah it's like look i get it the toronto housing market is fucked and it's hard to find an apartment but at the same time yeah it kind of has been the trend i'm not sure how much anyone in toronto who's still living at home is it's tough i yeah i imagine difficult like again i was single for three years in which case i dated a lot and not once did anyone ever try to bring me home to a place where they lived yeah it's never happened to me in canada all right move on we've kind of talked about this, but not quite this bluntly.

Okay. I don't think so. If we have one, we'll do another question. This comes from Reddit user NadaBrothers. Should I ask my housemate if she's interested in hooking up? I'm a 30-year-old man. I've lived with my housemate, C, for a year or so, and our friendship is cordial, although I wouldn't say we're extremely close. I'm not romantically

interested in her. There are two other people in the house as well, both guys. A couple of days back, me and her were talking and she mentioned she was looking for guys to casually hook up with. Should I ask her if she's interested in hooking up? Is this a pretty terrible idea? Given the fact that we are going to be in the same house at least until August and given the quarantine, I have nothing going on with anyone else. Oh, well, it's one of those things where it's either a very good or very bad idea yeah probably a bad one yeah and it's like i mean i think you're in the clear i like i'm going to wager she's into you because it's rare that women or anyone would be like i'm looking to hook up casually in the middle of a quarantine well that's the thing it is in the middle of a

quarantine uh where presumably they are not going to be able to hook up with anyone who's not in their home so options are literally you three yeah so if if she said that during this maybe it's a hint if she said that in general it could just be that you guys are close enough that she you know is okay saying that but like you have to realize like think it through and realize that it's going to be way more intense than a lot of things in the world because you're going to see each other every second of every day you know like you're not going to be able to get a break from each other um which again could be incredible or terrible because you guys could just take it to fuck town for the entire time.

But if people catch feelings, which is very possible when you guys are like literally spending every second together, especially a lot of those physically, and the other person doesn't, which happens so many times, it's going to suck so much when you guys are trapped in the same fucking home.

Well, I think you're going zero to 100. I don't think they have to spend literally every second like i live with my roommate and we didn't spend a whole lot of time together you know what i mean yeah but you could have left the place yeah but i mean like even when we're home like he was in living room i was in my room you would know what they mean though it's like yeah but you you can have space within it yeah you know i mean it's like yeah but there's a room playing between natural space and, like, space space. You know what I mean? Like, you guys can, even if you, like, interacted in the hallway or in the whatever, you didn't have to be on.

You know what I mean? Like, you didn't have to think, like, oh, what are we doing here? Like, are we going to go fuck? Is this casual conversation? Are they just want, like, their alone time? Like, it's going to blur those lines pretty rapidly uh which is why a lot of people don't like or a lot of people say to never hook up with your roommate in general because these things are weird and hard to deal with in general let alone when isolation is the thing yeah i mean like the thing is you have like like people are going

fucking mental anyway just having roommates right now because they can't get away from them. So you're adding more fuel to the fire there, which may or may not ignite. You know what I mean? But I think it is something you have to be aware of. And I think you also have to be aware that there's two other people in the apartment. You could make this uncomfortable for everyone. Because if all of a sudden they hear two people fucking. Yeah.

It's pretty easy to figure out who it is. Yeah. And then it kind of divides the apartment almost because it's a you guys versus them thing almost. Yeah. Because you're now a unit and they're probably annoyed if they can hear you guys fuck. So it can divide the apartment that way as well. Yeah. On the other hand hand sex is really fun and it sucks when you're not having sex and a big isolation fuck fest could be incredible i think i think it's one of those things where you really have to sort of like almost romantic comedy style like lay down rules and be like,

we, we have to like, if we're going to fuck, there needs to be like a text message of being like, want to fuck yes or no. We can't get mad. If you don't want to fuck, you're not allowed to get all pissy and moany.

You know what I mean? It's like, you have to like set down the rules and be like, okay, cool. There's, there's a nonverbal thing. So our roommates don't have to hear us being gross. Um, and then regardless of the answer, if it's a nonverbal thing so our roommates don't have to hear us being gross. And then regardless of the answer, if it's a yes, then it's a yes.

If it's a no, it's a no. That's cool. Alone time, you know what I mean? It's like when we're done, you're going back to your room. Yeah, you need to have like a disengage code as well so that no one gets upset. Like if you guys are in your room afterwards and you just want your own alone time, need to be able to be like hey i think i'm gonna need time by myself without everyone getting busy you know so establish that code as well um there's you've definitely got to be hyper aware of the noises you're making i don't care if you're a screamer i don't care if your bed

is squeaky you do it on the floor and you get you buy a ball gag off amazon or something because like you're living with other people and you have to be super considerate of that. Yeah, especially when they cannot leave. Yeah. Yeah, it's not exactly like you're going to be... Unless, you know, maybe they're running buddies and they go for a run for 45 minutes every day. Yeah. If that's the case, great.

That's your window. It is 45 minutes of fuck time until you know steve and jeff come back from their run yeah otherwise if if you're if they're like you know stuck in as as we're supposed to be doing you you have to be aware of that and you have to like be chill be cool yeah put your put your screaming yeah um however i think we're also jumping forward a little bit because for all we know she does not want this i mean what i think you've got to do the like the casual like oh hey how's your you know i mean like you've had this conversation next time you see me like oh hey how's your like looking for for casual sex going haha we're in quarantine nothing's gonna happen from it

kind of maneuver um oh man what you were saying the other day it's like fuck i wish i had that too especially now for isolation yeah and do and if you want like do the joke and be like well if you get desperate enough you know where my room is oh you know what you should do is it is it the movie with justin timberlake friends with benefits or something yes well you need to or something you find a movie that has this plot and you play it you wait with your finger on the play button until you hear them come downstairs and then you press it you pop a beer and you're like oh i'm just watching a movie you want to join me i don't know what it is it's just on tv we're just watching channels for the first time in forever and they're like it says netflix

you're like whoa that's crazy it just popped up um and then you watch it and just wait for them to be like oh wow that's a really good idea and you'd be like huh oh my god that could happen to us yeah every time there's like a like a sex scene or a kissing scene just kind of like look over at them and try to do the movie like lock eyes thing and then you know turn away yeah lick your lips slowly oh my god only only have set out suggestive food for the whole movie so like hot dogs little like twinkies twinkies yeah banana a lot of those like those blowjob shots so that you have to like lick through all that cream to get to the sweet sweet alcohol um tacos with inedible shells you just gotta lick out all the toppings yeah and just

like have a can of whipped cream so that no matter what they go to eat just like cover just as they're about to like inhale it just just squirt whipped cream all over oh no how did that happen also for peak like romantic comedy potential you have to also midway through the movie have a like make it rain at some point like maybe do it when you know it's gonna rain so in case you guys want to go outside and like kissing the rain uh secondly have a wall and be like shit we gotta paint this wall so you guys can have like a cutesy paint fight in the middle of it um maybe a food fight obviously with the suggestive food um because you know she's gonna take a hot dog to the cheek and be like, what if the way that every woman does?

Yeah. Um, I just want to make it very clear that you do want to watch the woman, Justin Timberlake. Cause there was two movies that came out at the same time, one with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and one with Ashton Kutcher. And I think Natalie Portman. And that one is terrible.

The Justin Timberlake one is really good. Isn't it weird how sometimes the exact same movie comes out twice at the same time? Like Ants and the Bugs Life? Yeah, and The Prestige and The Illusionist, I believe. I don't know if the plots are similar, but it was the same sort of like, oh, it's a magic movie. Yeah, 100%. Also, Netflix just released one with the person who plays Veronica from Riverdale. And the plot is literally Knives Out.

Aw. And I can... I don't know. I didn't watch it. Did you watch Knives Out? I promise you it's not as good as Knives Out. Because Knives Out is fucking great. Knives Out was really good.

I enjoyed that. Yeah. So let me tell you. I'm going to guess that the made by Netflix movie with Veronica from Riverdale. Probably not as entertaining as yeah the star-studded cast of knives yeah i will give good money towards that all right we're moving on yep okay this is another sweet sweet gem plucked from seduction this is by user bay farm uh once you're together how are you supposed to escalate sex every time?

Do you just say, baby, you want to have sex now? Do you have a time set up? It can fluctuate day by day depending on how each person is feeling, but they don't want to be that person who's always begging while my partner has no desire. Every relationship is different, but I'm curious to know how couple typically arrange time for sex. Okay, you know what what this started really shitty but i think i think that's a valid question for people it's it's it isn't it isn't it's it's a weird way to like approach it but like yeah that's the thing like they're taking it from the really shitty seduction found someone you don't know kind of like manipulate slash guilt slash steer them towards sex you know what i mean like imagine and the comments are fucking

priceless i tell you i'm yeah because it's either that people have the worst relationships don't know what relationships are or don't realize he's asking about relationships because it's all about ploys it's all like you gotta do this you gotta push and pull confused don't let them know where you're you know and it's like in a relationship those are the fact that this person thinks like either you're just like it's just he has no no idea like literally no idea and i love that yeah it sounds like he's probably not super experienced with sex and he's probably never had a girlfriend probably is is like the the vibe no he 100 has to have never had a girlfriend because um but at the same time can you read the question can you phrase it again i like the the main point

of it once you're together how are you supposed to escalate sex every time but the last bit the last bit was like how do you make time for sex do you just say do you want to have sex do you have a time set up uh i want to know i'm curious how couples typically arrange time for sex yeah i think that's a valid question i think that's a surprisingly lucid valid question well then the best thing i think is that they say i know it can fluctuate day by day depending on how each person is feeling which is just the opposite of everything seduction's about yeah it's it's weird it's like he he seems to like understand the the concept of human beings which is rare in seduction but then he still like refuses to let go he's still set in like he's still viewing

things through that lens he's like i gotta relate i i don't jive with the idea of scheduling sex yeah but i'm also not gonna say that it's something you shouldn't do because i know there are couples who whose lives are so hectic especially once you add like kids or you know opposite work schedule where i think it might be important to actually say like okay thursday night let's find time to fuck yeah that's the thing like it's it's one of those things where like i don't think it's typically what people do but also everybody's different every relationship is different and like if it works for you it works for you there's nothing wrong with that is different. And like, if it works for you, it works for you. There's nothing wrong with that.

Um, well, I think like we start for the basics. So when you register your relationship, the second you get into it, uh, the government sends you a calendar with your, with your sex schedule on it. Um,

so you stick to that as much as you can, uh, cause occasionally we'll come and check. Oh, they'll come and check. I think he said they'll come a check. And I was like, God damn, we're getting paid for this well i will say he he does he does ask at the start do you say baby you want to have sex now and uh like we don't even need to

to tell this person what to do in that case because everyone in the comments has already gotten there before us uh asking for sex is beta never ever ask for sex everyone there's like 49 people here saying that um no those are obviously all jokes what i'm saying even though yes 49 people are saying that i feel like every relationship has its own like your language and like the way you do things, you know what I mean? It's not like everybody has this, Oh shit, two o'clock that's fuck time. Or like these procedures of this dance.

It's like, you, you will know, like when you're in a relationship, you are close enough to someone that these things aren't necessarily a problem. They only really become one. If like,

say you guys have a mismatch in libidos or like a breakdown in communication to the point where like, you literally don't know what the other person means or wants yeah and it's like at that point that's when you have the conversation of being like oh hey so like i i i would like to have sex more um and you you approach it in a healthy respectful manner and tell them what you would like uh hopefully they will do the same and tell you what they would like and then you kind of meet in the middle and if unfortunately if it doesn't match like i don't think you should your sexual happiness and health shouldn't suffer at the cost of someone else's yeah it might just be one of those things where it's like if you

don't match sexually um then you move on, unfortunately. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, well, I think, I don't think it's as much, I don't know. I don't know how big of a problem it is. I don't necessarily know that many people who personally have like gone through that or talked to someone like about it. You know what I mean? Like I've never had a conversation with someone where they've said they've gone through that. Like occasionally there's like a mismatchatch but it's usually not so bad but like a lot of the time it's like you'll figure out your you know your rhythm and like if

if someone like if you are feeling super horny or like if you guys are kissing like it'll just kind of like naturally go there you know what i mean and vice versa for them yeah i think a lot of people i think it tends to manifest itself in a way of like, a lot of people will just kind of hope that they'll have more sex without ever actually talking about increasing the frequency of sex. And as awkward as that conversation might be for some people, but it's like a lot of people will just sort of be like, oh, I'm going to try to force sex a little more by like being more intimate with my partner, like trying to make out with them more it's like well if someone like if someone's libido is low it doesn't matter what tactic really you're using because like their sex drive just isn't going to match with you

and then that's when like what happens is like people start getting bitter and start getting resentful or they start getting insecure and thinking that it's their fault yeah and the thing is like it could be as simple like, we've had this on before, where some people are very tired at night, but they're awake in the morning, whereas the other partner doesn't like waking up. So they're, you know what I mean? And it's, if you're a morning sexer,

I believe that's the term, then you're going to be disappointed when your partner's sleepy. But if you're a night sexer, you're going to be disappointed when your partner's sleepy. Whereas that's not like you're not attracted to your partner. That's just a mismatching schedule.

So communication first, but when you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be afraid to ask someone. One, ignore all the fucking bad advice here saying that asking is terrible. There's no issue. You'll be able to – You can also turn it – If you're worried about the optics of how it looks to ask for sex, you can turn it like if you're worried about the the uh you know optics of how it looks to ask for sex you can turn into a statement just tell someone that you like you want to go down on

them you know what i mean or like when they're getting a shower if they're like coming into the room and getting dressed you can tell them that like i i would like to fuck you right now yeah and if you feel like awkward about like because i get it it's like we should can we go have sex like it sounds kind of weird you just be like hey we should uh we should go into the bedroom like wink or like if they're getting out of the shower putting their clothes and be like you don't you don't need them for a little while wink you gotta wink a lot basically yeah it doesn't really matter what you say you actually don't even say anything just wink until they get it but yeah i i really feel like this is one of those things that seems like more of an issue than it is.

And I think it's like, because you're used to like, I don't want to say the fight for sex, but like, you know, like you're used to like this, you know, going out and meeting somebody. You don't know if they want to have sex. You don't know what to say or how to say if you're going to offend someone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I get it. That's whatever. But like, that's not a relationship like if you guys are actually in a relationship you should be able to you presumably are able to communicate are comfortable around each other you know so it's really not as big of an issue i don't think as you say but buff zed 221 says two steps forward one step back kiss her kiss her neck but

then break away leave her wanting more, keep building. Just keep running around the apartment. Every time, yeah. You just gotta run away every time. Just give you a few choice, beautiful comments from the section. One, you probably don't want to escalate sex every time. Could get out of hand quickly.

The hell does that mean? You probably don't want to escalate sex every time. Could get out of hand quickly. Like, are they talking about... Does he think... Like, the first time it's like, it's sex. Next time it's, like, sex with bondage.

Or next time it's sex with, like, knife play. Is that what you think he means by escalating sex? Maybe. Like, every time it gets more dangerous? I thought it was more just like every time so like anytime you see each other he's like oh shit it's sex oh god every time then

quirky pink llama says I make it out with tongue and start touching everywhere to indicate I wanted just like try to grab their foot and just like rub all the way up with like arm and forearm everywhere oh boy okay hit hit me um so you you mentioned the you know the that awkward moment where you're not sure if someone likes you or not and and the fight the fight for sex well

user eight town eight's one um they say how to seduce my mother's best friend who sometimes hits on me? I'm so glad you didn't stop at mother. I'm an 18-year-old male, and her best friend is around 46. I've known her for a while, and she hits on me sometimes. For example, she has asked me how I am with my growing. She has to see me naked, jokingly. She asks about my sexual history, and when she invited me to swim in her pool, she whistled at me when I took my my growing. She has to see me naked. Jokingly. She asks about my sexual history. And when she invited me to swim in her pool,

she whistled at me when I took my shirt off. She hasn't gotten physical yet. And I don't know if those are normal jokes women make. I'm into her because of her dominance experience, age, and confidence. She's a very straightforward woman and I'm scared of rejection or her possibly bringing this up with my mother. If I hit on her and she doesn't reciprocate,

what do I do? Well, you gotta just say, hey, you asked about my growing the other day. Check it out. And then just have your dick sideways with a shampoo bottle balanced on it. Just willfully, like, just erect yourself with, like, just nothing but will. Like, look her right in the eye and just be like. There's my growing. You gotta call her bluff.

Like next time she says, oh, I want to see you naked. Just strip there. Like you need to wear tearaway clothes every day of your life from now on until this happens. And the second she does it, you just. That's the thing. It's like this is this is the kind of thing where you have to like you have to meet the aggression Where if she's like, hey, I want to see you naked. Just be like, all right, cool. Let me know when.

And just like dead, dead look at her face. Have a little, you know, roguish grin on your face. Let her know you're serious. But like be playful with her back. Yeah. And that's the thing. Like then it's like tennis, right? They hit the ball to you.

You hit the ball back. And guess what? There's going to be another ball coming your way. ball to you. You hit the ball back. And guess what? It's going to be another ball coming your way or that she doesn't have the ball back. And maybe you're not going to get to fuck her, but you've scored points, right? Yeah.

You're 15 nil now or whatever. You could be the next Federer. And you're, yeah, you're starting to like, you know, you're going to get your confidence. If you,

if you make her retreat because you're too, you know what I mean? It's like, you're too much of your confidence. If you make her retreat because you're too, you know what I mean? It's like, that's a powerful move. You're too much of a sexual powerhouse. If you're like, damn, she's so straightforward and has all this experience. And then she like cowers from your power. Your sheer sexual fortitude. That's amazing.

That's a powerful move as an 18 year old to like go into college with, to be like, ah, whatever. These 18 year old girls like go into college with to be like ah whatever these 18 year old girls they don't know shit yeah i feel like you just gotta you gotta play back you know what i mean because i'm imagining right now you flush and giggle i'm imagining yeah because i get it we've all been there i would do the same thing yeah but if you like this person and they're being playful you gotta play back and then you will know whether or not it is in fact a game. Also, like they're knocking at the door and you're unlocking that door. There are ways to test this water.

If she's asking about your sexual history and you haven't slept with anyone or you've only slept with a few people, you can easily say, be like, well, I'm not that experienced. If only I had someone who would show me the ropes and like or prolonged eye contact you say i just want to talk about my sexual future and she goes oh yeah and you go yeah so how are you anyway hey yeah i mean you say i want to talk about my sexual future or do you not feel comfortable talking about yourself oh yeah it's you're you're in a good position because she's opening the door yeah you know what i mean it's not like you have trouble you have yeah it's it's not like you're like you're you just have a your mom's hot friend who like is over for tea every now and then and like and you're just walking in like hey girl yeah she might have like given you a sideways glance and you're like oh what is it she's literally asking

to see you naked yeah that's regardless of whether she wants have given you a sideways glance and you're like, oh, what is it? She's literally asking to see you naked. Regardless of whether she wants to fuck you or not, that is an open door in which you can shoot your shot. And if she doesn't want it, she's going to slam that door real quick. However, what if this poor mom doesn't have many friends

and he's going to fucking ruin this? Think about the poor mom here. Yeah, I i mean also maybe don't fuck your mom's best yeah i don't know like i think we're getting we're getting caught up in in in the vivid imagery we're throwing out here in the sheer sexual power that's just being flung around with willie abandoned um willie yeah i mean i'm i'm thinking of it as an 18 year old who might be able to fuck a really hot 46 year old you know what i mean it's like i i'm giving you those tools but at the same time i'm sorry i'm gonna be that angel on the shoulder here i'm just like you gotta think about it is she is your mother's best friend she's your mother's best

friend and if this comes to light that is not a situation that's true anymore yeah also you may be out of the house i don't know maybe's going to be really sad at this point with you. Well, I don't know. I like, I would imagine she's going to take that anger out on the best friend and be like, well, yeah,

18 year old boy. Yeah. Yeah. They're 40 something and you're 18. Also like, it sounds like this has been going on for a while. So I don't know, lady,

he was 17 just last year. Calm your fucking jacks. Um, I don't know. think you gotta think about it let's flip this around if this was a 18 year old woman and a 46 year old man we would be approaching this

much differently oh yeah we'd be like hey call the cops yeah although what if she really wanted to sleep with him I don't know here's the thing we've talked or at least I've sleep with him? I don't know. Here's the thing. We've taught, or at least I've talked about age and I, I don't think it's a big issue as long as the age isn't a way of getting power.

Yeah. Uh, you know what I mean? We've had that discussion before. So it's like, if it's just like, I don't know if, if it's,

if it's floating your boat and it's doing it for you, I don't think there's anything wrong as long as you're all above the age of consent and everything. Yeah. But we've given you the tools to progress this forward, but we've also given you the thought to be like, hey, maybe don't ruin your mother's best friend's relationship. Yeah, I would definitely think about it very hard and probably say just in general, you shouldn't go for it.

But I don't think there's any harm in playing back because at the very least like as you said like it's it's like practice flirting effectively right yeah it's it's nerve-wracking so you kind of have this like safe space to play with it and like honestly i'm gonna guess maybe she's just playing you know yeah there's also the chance that like she you squirm and she thinks it's funny you know there are people like that right they like to be like it gives them a little rush you know what i mean she gets to revisit like sexuality of her youth like does she have a husband also you know what i mean like because if they have a family as well

definitely do not do that you know what i mean if even if you get the go-ahead if they have a family just don't you know what i mean don't be a dick um so yeah all things to think about we're gonna we're gonna slide away we're gonna go into uh i'm not even gonna read the title for this one for right now this is by rude 12 14 so in these corona times i'm bored out of my mind so i downloaded a dating app i find a girl i'm really into and we connect on many things she loves star wars some games and she even likes football although she completely chose the wrong team to support anyway i'm a bit wary she might be a catfish because she's hot as hell at least maybe a 10 or more well i'm a five on my best or more

i'm a five on my best days there are a lot of catfish on the site, so I asked for a picture of her. She's understanding. We exchanged some pics. Nothing special. I assume he means, like, no naked ones. On one of the pics, I spot a prosthetic leg. Well, shit. She's probably a bit insecure about the whole thing, so I decided I must tell her I know this but don't care about it.

Yeah, I think most of you probably think I'm an idiot already, but don't put the popcorn away just yet. It's going to get worse. I haven't mentioned the prosthetic yet, but I'm looking for an opportunity. Oh no! Oh no! Ah! had to respond in over 10 minutes oh no oh god yeah question is i fucked up by insulting the one-legged girl i'm really interested in oh boy oh boy i would love to know if he ever got a response back. Because like 10 minutes is enough to like. Oh you know go downstairs and get your Uber Eats.

Or you know. Had to put something in the oven. Or you know 10 minutes isn't a long time. I love how it hit 10 minutes. And he was like fuck it I need to write it. You know. Because like. If there's no.

Unless the prosthetic leg was very obvious in the picture there's there's been no discussion of it well oh yeah okay okay you you make a good point are you about to say what i'm gonna say i don't know you pivot you pivot real hard if she doesn't write back or if she does write back upset, you'd be like, oh, shit. I didn't even know this. I was just going to say because you got that booty. Yeah. Right. You got that booty.

And then she's mentioned the leg and you go, oh, I didn't even know this. Who cares about that? Like in a good way. Uh huh. Yeah. I mean, like I was going to say there's nothing you can do if she just decides not to write back. But now I say, you text her dot dot dot, cause of dat booty? Question mark?

It's the only time cause of dat booty? Question mark might actually save the day. However, if she does get back, I think this will be... Like, if she likes the joke, I think that's a really good sign. You know what I mean? Because I'll bet most people aren't comfortable enough with it to make a joke like that so if she appreciates a joke like that you guys are probably on really good footing

this thing it's like if you're got a good banter back and forth I would hope that someone's got like this is from my point of view and I prefer to make light of bad situations i made so like somebody if i had if i had one leg and someone made a pirate joke to me i would be all about it yeah and like honestly it shows that you're not gonna fucking

like pussyfoot around it like i don't want people to like treat me differently because of something that's the thing most people i know who have you know a scar or like an injury or a disability or anything like that they don't want it they don't want to pretend it's not there and they are sick of people who kind of like as you said like pussyfoot around it or like walking eggshells so like for a lot of people i think and obviously i'm not saying you should just run around and mock people for for things that they might be self-conscious about but like i'm gonna guess that they're probably gonna be okay with it maybe i don't know i just feel like a lot of most people i know they prefer to have it discussed frankly than swept under the

table yeah and like again i don't think if you're worried that you've you've blown your shot i also don't think there's anything to be like there's no harm in being like hey so i just looked at your picture again and i saw the prosthetic leg and i feel like my joke might have been taken out of context i didn't notice it. That wasn't my intention. I'm really sorry if it upset you. Because like, ultimately, you're telling a little bit of a white lie, being like you didn't notice it. But like, you also didn't

intend... Yeah, it's like you didn't intend to make this joke at the expense of her leg. So I don't think there's any problem in acknowledging what might be the issue and apologizing for it. You say I've been trying to find a way to apologize, but I'm stumped.

Oh, I think we might've gotten off on the wrong foot. Oh, okay. We can't, we can't do this. We can't do this. We can't do this.

I'm sorry. Um, but yeah, I think you just, you gotta either got to own up or white lie it a little this. I'm sorry. Yeah, I think you just, you gotta either gotta own up or white lie it a little bit because I'm sure you didn't do it to be mean. And, you know, a little white lie here and there

if you're stopping someone from being upset for something that was not malicious. I think it's okay. This comes from Reddit user Gabby Random. Honest thoughts from guys who have had sex with curvy girls with a bit of a stomach, especially when riding them. Hey, I'm a 29 year old female and I've always gotten lots of compliments on my curvy shape. I have a big hip or I have big hips, a booty, small waist and small

boobs, but the lower part of my stomach sticks out even though I work out and I rarely show myself in a bikini and I'm definitely not comfortable walking around naked after having sex with someone. Not even if I'm in a relationship because of the stomach, fupa, muffin top or whatever you want to call it. This also makes me super insecure when it comes to sex because I want to be able to ride the guy and just do everything I want to do in my head. But I can't stop worrying about him being turned off by my flappy stomach. Rationally, I know it's not that bad. It's like I think I'm tricking everyone when I'm wearing clothes because they make my stomach look flat. And then without underwear, it shows and it moves as I ride them, obviously, since I'm a human.

But I guess the pressure of having a perfect body have only gotten worse with social media. And I really just want to hear honest thoughts from guys. Have you ever been turned off by seeing a girl's stomach move? If yes, why? If no, please feel free to reassure me. No. girl's stomach move if yes why if no please feel free to reassure me no like not not no i won't reassure her but no i've never been like look at that stomach and been turned off uh i'm pretty sure the only time i've ever actually been turned off by someone was like in kind of in the act or

like while trying to do something was i'd gone home with someone um and like we were like we were back in her bed and she was like hey uh like i have this kind of like condition um i think it was endometriosis where like you get like a lot of pain or whatever and she was like so i'm actually in a lot of pain like i don't really want to have sex i was like oh yeah no like absolutely of course no worries um but we hung out and like the whole rest of the night she was like just such an asshole and like she was just saying like all these stories about like her friends being assholes and like laughing and like just kind of being shitty um and like this was back in ireland so i couldn't necessarily get home so i was like fuck it like i. Like I was drunk. It was late. I was just going to sleep over, go the next morning.

And like the next morning she gets on top of me and tries to like do some stuff. And I was like, just mentally turned off. Like this was not a nice person. I was also a little bit hungover and tired. Just was completely turned off. Just like, it's one of the only time, pretty much the only time actually

that I haven't been able to get it up. And I was just like, nah. So like literally that's the only thing that's done for me is someone being a fucking asshole also pretty much everyone's stomach sticks out yeah like unless you're a fucking chris hemsworth yeah like or if you want to like there's a very select group of people who's don't because even like on instagram and shit a lot of that is positioning uh camera magic sucking in makeup filters like there's so much shit that goes into those um that it's wildly unrealistic and even if some people do have that without those things they're in the minority and they're not even as much fun shit as we are. And the thing is, it's like at the end of the day,

if someone is like eager to have sex with you, chances are, they're not going to be like, ah, like a fly be stumped. Like there's a lot more to someone in terms of their sexual appeal than the, the part that you're insecure about. Yeah.

Also like everyone's got it. Like everyone has something they're insecure about yeah also like everyone's got it like everyone has something they're insecure about so yes you you're definitely fixating on it and it's probably not nearly as bad as you think it is like i'm sure you feel like it's like a fucking wave rolling around and i promise you it's like if you're a curvy girl parts guess what taking around when you're fucking he's probably looking at your boobs jiggle and he's probably looking at your butt jiggle before he looks at your stomach like that's that's another thing is like even just look at the fucking physics of it it's like if i'm lying on my back if i want to look at your stomach i gotta crane my chin it's uncomfortable whereas guess what if i just lie there my eyes

find your boobs and your face and i'm a happy boy yeah like also i feel like a lot of people get like insecure about like oh like i'm worried that i'm gonna like take my top off and blah blah it's like these people have seen you with clothes unless your clothes are like masterful works of like subterfuge they probably have an idea what you look like a fairly fucking good idea and guess what they don't they didn't care because you've gotten to the point where you're about to fuck them you know yeah like unless you're constantly wearing like a poncho yeah you're like a parka that or like something with like a ribbed support that just squeezes you in yeah like unless you're constantly in a corset yeah

like and i doubt you are so like these things are not going to come as a surprise to this person i like look let's there's a there's always the the chance of surprise when you see someone naked you know what i mean like when the bra comes off or you're for guys yeah like rarely do girls have a real good idea of what you're rocking in the dick department unless you've done the hashtag shampoo bottle challenge correct um so it's like there's always like the the worry that you have is the same worry that every guy is like oh my dick isn't small unless you're you know rocking you know a giant dick and you know and then you're worried that's too big yeah it's like there's we all have insecurities about everything you know i mean it's like i'm sure that the most

jacked dude and the most you know lean woman have something where they're like i don't want this i don't want them to see this i don't want them to see that or they're not jacked enough or they're not lean enough you know yeah everybody has something but like you you need to also like if someone does because i'm sure you know there might be someone out there right i'm pretty sure we talked had that one guy who was like kept complaining someone's butt was too small or whatever yeah uh there are assholes out there fuck them well like don't fuck them you know what i mean um so if it does happen like that sucks but just because they are shit doesn't mean you should take that to heart but you need to realize like pretty much

everybody's stomach is not flat at all everyone has that little thing uh that juts out especially um especially women like with your anatomy you know and also like the clothes you wear like the the leggings and uh yeah the band on underwear it's always gonna squeeze in yeah jeans like all the things are meant to like tighten in so it's like there's always going to be a little bit of overlap unless again unless there isn't there are women who out there who exist that that don't yeah um practically you know yeah like you could find you can find women of any size from 0 to 14 who despite the fact that they're thinner than you will have more or less the same you know overhang of stomach and i like the the most important thing is especially when it comes to sex appeal, is confidence.

Like, yeah, just just own it. You know what I mean? It's like this is your body. You said you get a bunch of compliments. Focus on those compliments and be like, hey, if you're not going to be down with the little bit of jiggle, then you don't get the booty and you don't get you know what I mean? It's like you don't get all the other things that you are rocking. If they can't handle the you know the one thing that might not be perfect yeah in your mind and like obviously it's easier said than done it it is hard

to to shake these insecurities you know like i get that you know again i've had them dane's had them some of us still have them you know i mean I mean? There's always something, right? So we get it. And don't feel bad if it's not easy to just get over it. You know what I mean? But it is the kind of thing where if you don't actively try to become okay with it, it won't just magically happen. You have to repeat to yourself that you are, like that you are overreacting to how bad it is. You know what I mean? Like you need to realize these things that everybody has that little bump or that little bulge or whatever pretty much within varying degrees.

And just like tell yourself that it's okay and that you're, you know, attractive. And it's just one of those things you have to work on. And I'll tell you right now, it sounds like she doesn't ride people because of this. Ride someone. The next time you're with a partner that you feel comfortable with, ride them. And I'll tell you right now, like Niles said,

one, it's almost impossible to look down at the stomach. And two, if you're rocking a big booty, there's nothing better in the world than having a big booty girl ride you because guess where those hands are? They got a big booty girl ride you because guess where those hands are they got a big old handful of booty i don't it doesn't matter what the fuck your stomach looks like that man is in heaven you know what i mean so you could just do a little reverse cowgirl get that booty

you can also do that too sure and it's like what i'm saying is you're gonna realize that you're having fun and the guy's probably gonna be in heaven so just like get out of your head and give it a go the first time and you'll find i i promise you like 99 that everyone both of you are going to enjoy your time with you on top yeah you know what i mean and then like it's it's the first thing to start you know chiseling away at this insecurity to be like, okay, I can do this. He loved it. I loved it. What the fuck's the problem?

If you want to start off slow, you can start off slow. You know, one night, if you're getting into bed with someone and the lights are off, maybe do it that way because that'll make you a little bit more confident. Yeah. To,

to get started. You know what I mean? And like when they realize how fun it is and you realize how fun it is with you being on top, then the next time will be a little bit better, a little bit easier, hopefully, you know what i mean and like when they realize how fun it is and you realize how fun it is with you being on top then the next time will be a little bit better a little bit easier hopefully you know and let me tell you if someone has just fucked you they they want to see you get up and go to the bathroom after sex like it's one of my favorite fucking things to watch the the woman that you who the naked woman that you just had sex with like you get to see everything from a distance it's

great you're lying there you're all languid and satisfied and you get to look at hot naked people it's fucking great I promise you whoever that partner whoever you're the person you just had sex with is going to just soak your glory in because one if they've done their job right you're going to be fucking glowing

two they're like you've glory in because one, if they've done their job, right, you're going to be fucking glowing to there. Like you've, you've put a spell on them at that point. You know, now they're yours. Yeah. So like, just walk away and just don't look back.

Just fucking own it. Just let them soak it in because that is, that is the greatest compliment I think anyone can get is like that look from your partner when you're coming back into the room of just like, yeah, what up? All right. Thank you very much for listening, friends. It has been a pleasure. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars.

Oh, you're just going right into it. I am, man. I just we were thanking. I just I don't know, man. Also, you were talking to your cat, so. Yeah, I've left my door open a little bit because it's so hot and I've had all the cats come in visit me today. Hell yeah.

I don't want to let the dog in, but I just get too distracted. I'd just be like, she's so cute, Dane. She's so cute. I know, I know. She is so fucking cute though. If you have a question you'd like us to answer, you can send us a email

or all sorts of manner of social medias. You can find us on Facebook at FCK Buddies Podcast, or you can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore Buddies. You can email us at FBuddiesPodcast at gmail.com, and you can visit us on the World Wide Web at www.plentyofbeef.ca or fbuddiespodcast.com Hell yeah. You guys ready for some terrible sex writing? Oh, hell yes. Okay, give me that comfy sigh. Ugh!

So this comes to us fresh out of the mind of Philip Huck and his book, The Stonebreakers. His hands set out on a magnificently daring journey across limitless expanses of thrillingly unfamiliar flesh, exulting in the possession of unknown territory. He traced an exploratory path from the nape of her neck over her breasts, under her straining buttocks. Soon they were no longer bodies on a bed they became some mad mobile sculpture manipulated this way and that and throws of its own creation two forms in search of positions of perfect

linkage nice i just love the like the image of them becoming a mad mobile sculpture just like erupting from the bed and just like you you know, moving through the house, like some weird human spider. It's terrifying. So we're going to finish this off with a Pornhub comment. In order for the comment to make sense, I'm going to read the, the, the name of the video.

It's called help. Stepson. I'm stuck in the kitchen sink in the sink. Yes. It's yep. That's what it says. And a verified user, Mr. Tipton, says, Hand stuck in the sink?

At the Tipton Hotel, we have a specially trained repairman, Arwen. He could have gotten you out in seconds and fix any repairs instantly. Kind regards, Wilford Tipton. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. and we've been your folk buddies stay safe