F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 86 - Super Penis Cocktail

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

It's hard to come up with these episode descriptions when all I do is sit around all day re-watching Community and working on a digital farm, but, hey, someone's got to do it.  Topics include creative urine solutions, finding a place for sex when you're exhausted, natural penis enlargement, making sure you don't confuse holes, the hellish fiend Doof Deniur.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we are your fuck buddies. We are. We are. hello friends my name is dane miller and i'm now spain and we are your fuck buddies we are we are we're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations simply put we take questions from either online or

submitted by you beautiful users and uh users of our podcast and we we just, we answer them. We throw out some advice based on the questions that can get sent in or fine. You know, sometimes sometimes it's not involved with the questions at all. Yes. Often we, we make jokes. It should be clear which ones are the jokes,

but we always feel the need to clarify just in case. I, you know what? I feel like one day I'm going to have to do a whole episode without clarifying. Because it pains me. And that's the episode that we just ruined humanity. Yeah. All right.

How are you doing? I'm doing okay. I think today I finally hit that isolation wall. Because I was cleaning my cat's litter box. And I was like, I also had to pee. And I thought. You just peed in it? I thought seriously, briefly, and been like,

what would it be like if I just peed in this cat litter box right now? Oh, shit. Oh, are you okay, bud? And it literally, like, for the entire length and time that I was cleaning the litter box, I was really debating whether I would do it or not. You did, though, didn't you? I didn't. I think you did. No you did no because like litter is a hot commodity

right now well it's hotter after you piss in it piss that warm i feel like i contain more piss than a normal cat would and i feel like i would probably fill that whole box which means that i have to throw all the litter out which means i'd be short litter so that was unfortunately probably the only reason i did man are you are you fit to give advice as long as it's not involving peeing which i think we've had p questions for the past two or three weeks so it's fair we'll see what happens we'll see what happens how are you doing i am i'm fine yeah i good. I had a productive day today. Okay, cool. But what household object did you consider peeing on?

What have I not considered peeing on? Like, that's the thing. I've been going around ranking terms of absorbency. Just everything. We have a very fluffy dog reminding right now. Nothing. No, nothing. I don't know. I just feel like every day is the same um i'm just very sad

like you know what you know my my worry in quarantine thing is i spent seven hours playing farm simulator yesterday straight seven hours did we play that for seven hours we played from four o'clock till about 10 30 so like six and a half hours yeah actually no it's only 10 50 yeah we played for like seven hours um and seriously we did we did our best yeah like well towards the end we got a little silly but we're not joking we've been playing a lot of farm simulator by 2019 uh yeah i will also say it's free on psN right now so there's no if you want to you want a time sync or you want to come visit our farm you can visit our farm yeah come

visit our farm we'll put you to work yeah send us a message we'll we'll we'll fucking help you get your farm started yeah it's on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram and we will we will send you our names and we'll get you get you going it started as a wild joke, I guess.

And now it's become a full-time job. Yeah. I mean, it's the closest thing I have to a job right now. Well, it's true, yeah. And we're finally making money on it. Okay, no more Farm Simulator. Let's get into this. Are you ready?

Yes. You've inspired me, Dane. So this is by Riley McIntyre. Okay. Boyfriend pees in the the shower not when he's showering when he has to pee he will go to the bathroom pull the shower curtain and piss into the tub what the fuck is that that's it i mean like look at it this way he's doing the environmentally friendly thing because he's not flushing it right so think of how many gallons of water he's saving every day friendly thing because he's not flushing it. Right? So think of how many gallons of water he's saving every day by peeing in the tub or peeing in the shower.

Well, you see that's worse because then the pee just stays there. So I'm assuming because I'm not, if you have good aim, if you're getting it right down the drain, see, I'm assuming because he's only pulling the shower curtain across. He's not even getting into the tub.

He's just like aiming. I can't imagine his aims that good like what scope does he's got three times scope on there i don't know i feel like unless i like a digital threat woken up or drunk my my peeing skills is are pretty accurate yeah there's always a little bit when the when the you know when the pressure starts dying at the end yeah or if your foreskin gets in the way and you just go everywhere yeah yeah i don't know um i'm imagining in my head he turns the shower on afterwards so he might he might be spending more more spending more he might be spending more water if he just turns it on and off it's still less than the toilet flush yeah but what

if he turns off for even longer what if he waits for it to heat up because he wants to treat his piss right? He doesn't want his piss to get into a cold shower. Now we're in a whole new bag of problems. What if? So I don't know, yeah. Throw out some fucking advice. You're a resident piss in the wrong place expert, I think.

I don't know. I think if this bothers you, which I think you're right to like i don't think it's a big deal really but i also wouldn't do it like i i wouldn't suggest pulling this maneuver well the thing for me is why yeah i don't like if if like let's say your toilet got sick of your shit, literally, figuratively, ran away. Peeing in the shower, totally fine substitute because you do no longer have a toilet. When you have a toilet right there, why? Well, okay, I will posit this question as well. If you want, it's not that it's easier.

I don't think peeing in the tub is any easier than peeing in the toilet. Not at all. So you've just made your life presumably slightly more difficult because you're now peeing in something that isn't meant to be peed in. If you're going to do that, why not commit and make it a challenge and pee in the sink? Arguably, probably easier. You can just rest your dick on it. Well, depending on how tall or short you are. Yeah, I guess.

But you're running the risk of like there's a lot of stuff that you don't want p on your bathroom counter your toothbrush is there your soap if you have a little hand soap stuff you know i mean like this is there's more splash danger true but we're in the tub you have a very large target you could just soak that bad boy you arguably don't even really have to hold it true maybe that's it maybe consequence maybe that's what he loves he loves the freedom like one day something was wrong with the toilet and he went and he fire hosed but like for once like he was like oh shit like reaching for his dick as it just flung itself willy-nilly like just with fresh meat energy and all of a

sudden he was like wait and his his errant dick just sprayed where it wanted to. And he didn't have to, he didn't have to tie that sucker down. And you know what? He liked the freedom. Yeah. Does, have you seen him do the whole ritual? Because he gets absolutely naked, stands in the shower and just pees. Maybe he likes warm toes.

Oh God. You know, in reality, I think you can, I don't think you're out of line being like, Hey, do you mind not like maybe use the toilet for the pee, which it is specifically designed for and not peeing in the shower.

It's one thing if it's, if you're peeing in the shower and the water's running, cause there's no, like you said, there's no stagnant piss lying around after the fact, but like, I don't, it's, you're not in the wrong asking someone, running because there's no like you said there's no stagnant piss lying around after the fact but like i don't it's you're not in the wrong asking someone to use the toilet for its intended purpose i'm sorry i i read a comment that just blew my mind out the back of my head so i didn't even

hear a word you said i well i was i'm not going to repeat it because you said there's nothing wrong with using the toilet for its intended purpose i i don't think there's anything wrong with with someone regardless of partner boss parent anyone stranger being like hey if you're going to pee can you please use the utility that is there specifically for the people that's the thing it's like i think the main question is you need to know why and that is where you go from there because why they do it is tied into how you go forward. If it's just like a funny joke. Okay.

Then maybe just be like, Hey, this bothers me because all I can think of is, you know, unclaimed piss, just like in my shower. Now, you know what I mean?

Like going, going off, getting old, a place that i want to be clean in like what if you want to have a bath it's like you've completely taken baths off exactly that's right now another thing because you don't know where that piss is right yeah um but like if it's an aim issue that's like really you're that lazy you can't hold it or sit down bud i if it's a environment issue then maybe you guys need to have a talk i don't

know but i think the like nailing down why is the most important part of this whole thing because without knowing why we could just we could offer anything and it wouldn't you know yeah and like any have a chat why why do you do this um don't don't make it about like shaming him or being like it's disgusting it's like regardless of how you feel about it like you might think it's disgusting and i also think it's pretty unsanitary and i'm i literally just admitted considering peeing in a litter box yeah so we'll use that as a baseline he's slowly becoming a cat i've known it's gonna happen this whole time but i did happily line a sunbeam for like 30 minutes today oh hell yeah that's the most dane miller thing i've ever

goddamn heard yeah i've got acupuncture mat and uh so i just put it down and then like the sun slowly came around i was like well this is where i'm staying for a bit oh yeah but yeah just just have this conversation like you said find out why and then be like, hey. Yeah, try and get a workaround, right? This is important to me that you use the toilet. Because if they don't think you care, then they're never going to change what they're doing, right? Yeah. And I assume you haven't talked to them

because you haven't mentioned your comment. Okay, I'm sorry. I can't not read this anymore. Are you ready? Yeah, I know. This is by As If Dude. They say, the only time I peed in the tub

without the shower running, brackets, I'm a chick, brackets, was when my boyfriend was going through a bad stinky shit episode and I'd been waiting

over an hour to pee. So I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna have to clean the bathroom after him anyway. He's a fucking gross goblin. So I went in there, pulled down my pants

and he's all, babe, what the fuck, I'm pooping and sat on the edge of the tub and went for it, maintaining eye contact and he was so grossed out. I on the shower rinse it out and left he poops at work more now which is great because he gets it everywhere and our bathroom is tiny so getting it on the wall is not unheritive and the people before us painted the

walls blue so it's easy to notice laughing face what what excuse me how is he shitting on the walls regularly also is he doing that at work then i oh boy how how do you get it everywhere well he's on the walls it this implies that he literally is shitting on the walls this implies that he literally is shitting on the walls at work that's oh my god I mean maybe he's not shitting on the walls maybe he's getting shit on things that are then rubbing up against walls

you know maybe it's all over his hands I don't know if it's that bad maybe I don't know maybe he's maybe it's a lot of poop and he has to sort of like manually massage it down the drain to make sure it doesn't clog get a poop knife i just love how like in this person like instead of being like yeah it sucks that my boyfriend apparently shits on every surface she's like oh the people before us painted the walls blue so it's easy to

notice good you don't want that to be not noticed yeah i would want i would paint it white i would want to know every errant piece of shit just chilling on my surface i like that the the alternative to that is painting the walls the exact shade of his shit to camouflage it just like speckles of different brown colors all right i feel like this has gone on. You know what's something the Romans used to do? They would have like mosaic floors where they would like with tile like make like

apple cores and like chicken bones and shit in the pattern of the floor so that they wouldn't have to clean as often because their floor would already look dirty. We should do that more. Yeah, fuck. Okay, go. I think that would literally break amanda if she oh man i would hate that if that she could not actually clean i think that would i'm re-watching community i don't know i think i mentioned that last week um but now i have the

scene where where abed gets broken i think and he breaks abed and he makes a noise and i think that would be the noise that would come out of Amanda if she had a floor that was just permanently dirty. Yeah, it's the worst idea. This comes from Reddit user Oze. How to manage a sex life when both of us

are exhausted. We are a young couple and are just so exhausted these days. I hope no one trolls, but we're Muslims and it's the month of Ramadan. Fasting. We have to refrain from food and sex and bad deeds too. We fast from 3am to 7pm and after we eat, we're too exhausted to do anything

except a few kisses and cuddles and we fall asleep. How can we get the energy and not lazy out? So, do you want to? I mean, it seems like they want to i don't know at no point is there like because like for me it's like it's very obviously the question is how to manage a sex life when both of us are exhausted true so i feel like if they didn't want to have sex if you're exhausted and you don't feel like having sex it's like you don't feel like having sex

you know i mean i'm going to assume that these people want to have sex i would hope so to do for me it's like you gotta figure out like i don't get tired pretty much so it's not tired when there's sex on the table yeah 100% yeah like i could be i could be a corpse and the sex is on the table and it's fine yeah um i also just like in general like mentally tired maybe, maybe where I'm like, oh, I'm just done. But like physically or like sexually tired, that's very hard for me. No pun intended. Everyone gets tired in different ways and everyone recovers in different ways. So it's like, does coffee work for you?

You know what I mean? Like, should you guys cuddle, have a coffee, have an hour nap, get up, fuck, go back to bed kind of deal? Is that a thing you should do? Should you fuck in the morning before you come home after being exhausted and having not eaten as much? Well, their fast starts at 3 a.m. You could get up real early. I feel like that doesn't help the exhausted. Or even like when you just woke, wake up.

It's like I very rarely wake up ravenous you know what i mean that's like if you've eaten just before you go to bed presumably you're waking up like not starving and not exhausted so maybe make it like a morning thing unless it's well they can't okay can't have sex during fast during fasting okay yeah um this is a hard one to answer because I don't know them personally and what does and doesn't affect their sexual needs. And I think that's a thing you need to figure out. Like, what is it?

Like, why are you exhausted? And what is it you personally can do to change that? Yeah, I think, I think there are things like if, if you think that sex, like,

yeah, sex is a super physical activity. If you're, you know, doing it full hog. Also, have, like, cuddle sex, right? Well, there are things you could do. Like, if you guys want to just cuddle and watch a movie or cuddle and be on the couch, have your partner sit in between your legs and just play, like, mutual masturbation. Or, you know what I mean? Like, there are a bunch of things you could do that isn't necessarily sex, but requires little to no effort.

Like having a woman sit in front of you, like in between your legs, as you cuddle and watch a movie and you've got a hand, you've got two hands that can reach, you know, pleasure zones. You can play with her boobs. You can play with her clit.

You can, you know, you can rubber and you can get to orgasm that way with little to no physical effort. See, like the thing that's confusing me is like, I can't imagine it's a physical exhaustion. Like I can't imagine it's like I want to fuck, but I'm literally too tired to do it. I'm imagining it's like I'm so tired I don't feel like I want to fuck. And that's why I was like, do you want to? You know what I mean?

Because to be so physically exhausted that you want to fuck but can't doesn't make sense to me. Yeah. So I'm assuming. We also don't fast for. 100%. Yeah. So I could be wrong. But to me, it's like I completely understand being exhausted and not wanting to have sex.

I don't understand being exhausted and wanting to, but being unable to. Well, I think it might be one of those things. I'm wondering where it's sorry. Go ahead. I'm just wondering whether it's a, I feel like I should have sex or it's a, he wants to have sex.

I think it might be, which one is it? The guy or the girl asking or the, or the guy or the guy or the girl or the girl. Sorry. It doesn't, It doesn't say. But like, so the worrying thing for me is that either the partner wants it and they don't, or they think that they should have it.

Because to me, I'm like, you know, I've been fucking wrecked before. I've never really been physically tired to the point where I really want to have sex, but cannot. Usually if I don't want to, and it's due to exhaustion or something, it's because I just don't want to have sex but cannot usually if i don't want to and it's due to exhaustion or something it's because i just don't want to so changing it to want to versus changing it to being able to physically are two very different things i think it's more along the lines of they've prior to this they've had a sex life and since starting fasting that has dwindled. And I think they're trying to find a way to to fill in the gaps when, you know, physical sex might be too exhausting for them. Yeah, I know. But the thing is, it's like if you're not feeling it versus if you're just like physically exhausted, there are two very different ways to go.

But it seems to say that they are too tired to have sex, but they want to have sex. OK, then just have cuddle sex. Like you don't have to fucking ram somebody. You don't have to like throw each other around and peach over against the wall and like you know lift up your partner in the middle of the room and you know hold them up while you fuck them. You can like literally like

spoon each other and just slowly like just go at it. Which can be great. Again do it first thing in the morning. you're if you're exhausted like you know half the morning oh sorry yes but i mean like early early right like if sex is important like get up like go to bed i'm sure you're not going to bed at 3 a.m go to bed get up and if you're exhausted it'll be even easier to go to bed early wake up at like 2 30 have 30 minutes of sex go back to bed wake up whenever you want to do it and it's like if you're doing it right you will be exhausted again afterwards and you just go right back to

bed i mean that yes i think that is probably if if you are are dedicated to to maintaining a sex life i think that's the thing set an alarm for 2 a.m or 2 30 however you know how much time you think you're gonna need and just fucking bang it out before 3 a.m kicks in and then you go to sleep again wake up like we're all isolating you got nothing to do during the day wake up at fucking noon and that's you know you've got seven hours left of your fast to do yeah you dust your hands off and hopefully after seven hours, you're, uh, you know,

hopefully going to be okay to, to do something else again, if you want, or keep running that marathon. And if it is another thing where like, you just feel like you should or whatever, but you're not mentally there. Like that's okay.

You don't have to want to have sex. Yeah. You can turn this into a very long sort of anticipation thing like you guys can tease each other you can you can do little things but if you both aren't feeling sex even if it's something as something like oral sex like even that is too much for you then you know before bed just give each other a little rub or a stroke or whatever and then when you can finally fuck again it'll be great unrestricted it'll be it'll be so good or even just spend the day teasing each other

because you know you can't touch till seven so that's pretty sick yeah i don't know if that would fall into well yeah i don't i don't know enough yeah i'm not i'm not versed on uh you know the ins and outs of Ramadan, unfortunately. Um, but I think like there are, there are a bunch of things you could do. And I think what will have, like,

if you guys sat on the couch together and she just, you know, casually was stroking your dick while you guys had a cup of tea and, you know, watch the show. I have a feeling that you would eventually get a second wind. Yeah. That's the thing.

It's like, also, I don't know. Sometimes when you're like trying too hard to have sex or like trying to plan it, it can really kind of like suck the fun out of it. And it's hard to be spontaneous when you have kind of this like limited window. But like there are ways around that and it's like if you try and just like tease each other or be playful or do anything like that you're kind of circumventing this like oh it's eight and we're both tired i guess we should fuck before we have to go to bed you know yeah if you are looking at your watching me like well it's you know six hours until sex time but like neither of you are really into it because you're so tired like yeah of course it's of course it's not manifesting because neither of you are are looking forward to doing it

yeah when it feels like it's you know it's just another thing you have to get to on the schedule or like almost like it's a chore it's never really gonna energize you you know what i mean so maybe if that's the way you've been approaching it like throw that out the fucking window or once it hits seven o'clock get some chocolate get some oysters get every single like aphrodisiac food you can cuddle up in a little like sex fort just see what happens yeah make your first meal three viagra well apparently so there's uh there's a new show have you ever heard the show called normal people dane no so it's a new show that's uh doing the rounds like everyone in ireland is obsessed with it i think it's i don't know what it is but it's some raunchy like romance show uh i think it's along the lines of like 50 shades or at least the nudity and like

you know whatever is um so like all the people in ireland and england are getting all like hot and bothered about it so like there's all these like joke articles about the vatican like dumping holy water over like the tv show the tv studio that did it because they want to like cleanse it it's pretty funny maybe watch that show maybe watch something i'll get you guys hot and bothered yeah like throw chromecast i mean if you guys live together now is the appropriate time to chromecast porn to your tv and it's pretty much the only time to do it i don't know why it's an option um make sure you chromecast it to the right tv yeah if you if you live with roommates or parents or something or have a neighbor with a

chromecast well you have to have the code so i don't think some people take the code off well in that case you're asking for porn on your tv it's fair i feel like the only people who don't have code activated chromecasts are perverts did i ever tell you about one of my neighbors uh had gotten a like we have like fuck all washing machines in our building but the next building over is owned by the same people they have a lot more washing machines so she had a friend in that or in our building, but the next building over is almost the same people. They have a lot more washing machines. So she had a friend in that, or made friends with someone in the next building over or in this building. I don't know.

Either way, they had a key for next door's like washing machine area. So one day she went over to get it, knocks on the door and he's like, oh, give me a minute. Opens the door. And it's like,

yeah, come in. The key's on the table. Steps in. He's watching, like, someone just get rammed up the ass on TV. And the only thing he did, like, it was clearly Chromecasting porn. The only thing he did was mute it. And then invited her in to go to the table to pick up the key to wave awkwardly goodbye.

I don't give a shit. If you want to watch porn in your own home, cool. Of course. But to put it on your television, I think that is the line that drives me into deviancy. No, I think that's fine. It's like, why look at the... If you're going to do it anyway,

and you're the only one who lives there, and your roommates aren't going to come in, throw it up on the TV. That's fine. There's a diminishing return of high definition and genitals the bigger the thing is and the higher the definition the more

you see and when it comes to genitals I don't want to see more but this is a sex and dating podcast you shut your mouth we always want to see more please don't send us stuff oh shit that reminds me of a question we have today. But also,

the weird thing here is, if you're watching a TV, whatever, someone comes in who you barely know, you turn off the TV. You don't mute it. And invite them in. Maybe it was one of those things where he thought he hit the power button and just muted it.

But then you don't invite someone in like, Oh, it's on the table. It was definitely a ill prepared. Come on. Like he was hoping that weren't the world was like porn world where you come in, you see the TV and you go,

Hey, I like damn penises in my ass. And then that's it. I bet you 1 million percent. That was his plan. Hey, you know what? He had to shoot a shot well he did it did not

work it didn't work but he shot it all right we ready so if you've been with us for a while you know that occasionally people get mixed up about what we do what we do our name can be misleading i guess um so this is the newest in a trend of people who message us initially thinking we're something else only to turn around and help us out so we're gonna call them agent smash bros and they say anybody here what's meant for fuck buddies we let them know we're a sex and dating advice podcast and they said only advice nobody to fuck here which for those who don't know no we are both taken uh and then thankfully they turned around and kind of joined into to what we do um and asked us how to enlarge penis naturally so i throw this over to you dane how do enlarge penis naturally um I think the best thing to do is there's a bunch of websites and ads online that offer these services.

And I think just, you know, clicking through a few of them. And honestly, I would say maybe just get all of them blended into one super penis cocktail, like a smoothie. And just fucking chug it down. And you will wake up and your dick will be too big. He wanted it bigger and naturally. I don't know if he wanted it to be too big. Well, here's

the thing. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. If I'm looking at my dick and I say I want this to be bigger, I'm going to get it as big as I possibly can get to the point where if I have an erection, I will die uh i just looked up can you enlarge penis naturally on google and yeah that's the thing i just did yeah well let me tell you a story about what i did as a teenager i was super super super insecure about my dick as like every teenage guy who like,

I feel like every teenage guy goes through waves of being like, my dick's the best. Cause you figure out like masturbation and sex and all that kind of stuff. But then like the only other real contact you have with dicks is porn. So you, you see sort of like the top end spectrum of dicks. And if your dick isn't in that range, you're like, ah, also, you're like 13. So your dick hasn't even finished growing. So I was like, I need to make my dick bigger. So I ended up downloading this like PDF that was meant to be like dick stretching techniques to make your dick

bigger i just found dick stretching techniques um and i did those for like two months it sounds painful is it painful it's it's fucking terrible let me tell you that first before you get going you literally have to like scald your dick with a hot face tower to like warm up the muscles okay like you you you like cover a like a hand towel um or like a face towel or whatever with hot hot hot water and wrap your dip in it or dick around it or wrap it around your dick to like you know because you can't really like loosen up you know when you warm up you run or whatever you get your muscles warmed up so they don't um so the the methodology there is like oh you can't really do that with your dick so you got to warm it up with temperature um and like i'm not going to go into the other like i don't remember what the other things were um so wait what do you

stretch though so you're like doing things where like i'm trying to remember what one of the things was i'm pretty sure one of them was like you hold this like the base of your your shaft and you like slowly pull up okay it's it's all made up bullshit as far as i know um because according to this according to this um people can get up to you know i'm not gonna read it because i don't really think that like i think if if these things were safe everyone would do them you know i don't think anybody is looking at their dick going that's too big or that's just you know what i mean like especially not when you're younger you know what i mean like i think you could have a pretty great dick when you're younger and still be like,

I have the smallest penis in the world ever. Yeah. Um, and it also has a giant thing at the end of this page that basically says you can tear your ligaments and ruin your dick. Um, so a moral of my story is I'm pretty sure I did that. Oh no. Um, I, I started to like, it hurt to like get erections to like run any any sort of thing so i ended up doing another little web search and sure enough it was like you

know hundreds of dudes being like i did these things and now my dick hurts and every person who seemed to either be a doctor or whatever and was like don't do this yeah like your dick isn't meant to be like flexible or like you know tortured like this for prolonged periods of times or the time periods that they're telling you to do you know what i mean because like this is meant to be like something you do over the span of like six months a year or whatever um whereas like you know some people are into penis torture and stuff for for kinks and stuff and that's on the short term fine yeah but uh but when you're doing this to yourself on the daily you can do so much fucking damage so the fact the point i'm trying to make here is don't do anything to your dick just love what you got that's that's where i was going to end up um i wanted to kind of make some kind of a

informed opinion but like i've always I've heard of penis pumps. I don't really know what they do. I'm pretty sure. So they, they just like, like increase the blood. So, you know,

the Kylie Jenner lip challenge thing. Oh, sure. Where you like, where it like sucks the lips and make them big. It's essentially that for your dick more or less. Like it pretty much just enlarges temporarily with suction. Yeah.

As far as I know, that's, I think, I think that's about it. Um, it seems to say you can get tears and damage in ligaments or tissue, uh, hinder your ability to gather,

maintain erection, uh, or permanently damage your penis with vein ruptures, numbness, et cetera. Yeah. Uh, and I think the moral of the story is like,

there isn't really a magic way to make your dick longer. Um, if there was, everyone would do it. It wouldn't be this. It wouldn't be a secret. It would not be a secret. People will be like,

can you imagine how much fucking money people would make off that? Because every single man in the world pretty much would probably buy it. Uh, especially when they're younger. Here's the thing. We have invested so much money and time and years of science into men's dicks. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like we've ignored real health issues and have put so much disenfranchisement amount of effort into, look at any male sexual, like as soon as there's a male sexual issue it is flooded with with science and money and everything because they know it'll sell they know it'll make money and you know historically men were the ones that mattered in sex yeah and like yeah there's no way

this would be a secret they would just be like hey hell yeah let me make all the money in the fucking world like it was like half an inch even if it was exactly what i was gonna say yeah people would be like out there getting it giving it taking it it would be wild so i think that's all you need to know about the fact that like there isn't really a safe or even like guaranteed way you could do something that's unsafe and also not get results you know what i mean like they're and the main thing is like your dick size is not as important as you think it is especially when the when it comes at the cost of using your dick yeah guess what's better than not having a dick having Having a small dick. Yeah. You know?

And even then, it's like we all go through periods, if not entire lifetimes, being like, wow, my dick is small. Porn will do that to you. The media will do that to you. Everything will do that to you. But like, if you go through any forums on sexuality, you will find a million people asking the question, does dick length matter? And you will find a million people being like, not really length matter? And you will find a million people being like,

not really. Yeah. Or people with large dicks complaining that, yeah, they're, you know, they can't have sex or women complaining about men with penises that are too large to have sex with.

Yeah. It's unfortunately one of those things where it's your, unless you've, you're in that happy middle ground, um, there, there's really like, even if you are, you're probably not going to necessarily know it right you're going to be jealous of that person with that bigger dick or whatever um or you're going to be jealous of that person i can go longer than you or whatever like it's it's one of those things where like you're

always going to be a little bit insecure or at least it's very common to be very insecure about your dick we've all been there um but like sabotaging it is not the way to go that's the thing is if it comes at the cost of your sexual health and your your potential to even have sex yeah like what's the point sure you you can you know take pills that might make you sterile or, you know, might further the chances of erectile dysfunction. There's so many things that you can stretch your dick and tear ligaments and not be able to get a boner, you know?

Yeah. Um, none of them are worth it. And most of them are very unsafe. So I think that our advice is don't do it. Yeah. The, the answer to,

can I enlarge my dick is maybe, but should you know, i think like what you should be focusing on is uh increasing your confidence increasing the knowledge of of how people react to dicks in reality outside of the media outside of porn outside go on reddit and look up literally type in you know penis size and i'm sure you will find like you said so many questions of people there's uh my boyfriend has a small penis and he's really insecure about it but i don't care i think one of the top uh one of the top questions ever on either ask women or ask men i can't remember which one it was i think it might even be on both is like something i think i'm not

sure if it was about micro penises or about just dick size in general, because it goes into both then in the actual topics. And a lot of it was like, you know, one of my favorite sexual partners was this person who's like dick was like an inch and a half or two inches or something. And they were really good in bed. And like, it's funny, because most people heard like I was with this one guy who had like nine inches or eight inches or whatever. And he was terrible. And people are always surprised when i find this person better but like it doesn't make sense to me that i would want that other thing when it was a terrible sexual experience so it's like invest in yourself invest in how you treat people and like sexually and in a you know platonic sense and no one's gonna give a shit yeah there's a weird if you make someone come

like a fucking crazy amount of times or just hard or well they're gonna remember that yeah yeah like there's there's this weird psychology about dick size where like people um i've like i said i have so many female friends who have been like i hooked up with dude who's had a giant dick but like either like just jackhammered me for five minutes and then called it quits or you know had no technique didn't go down on me didn't do this didn't do that so there's like people who think that like oh i've got a big dick that's that's it that's all the work i need to do but it's like now there's there's a lot more technique and finesse to having sex and being a good partner and being a good lover yeah then then what you got swinging between your legs yeah and the amount you participate or like the amount you kind of like

add to that scenario versus the amount your dick ads are it's heavily weighed in favor of you so it's like if you feel like you're lacking in a certain area one you're probably not as lacking as you believe and two it really doesn't matter compared to all the things you can control which is you and your sexual performance your sexual investedness and your sexual like kindness you know what i mean people want like a lover who's like willing to like like generous a generous lover yeah they don't want someone who's just like look at my big dick bum bum bum i'm done yep you know but yeah please please don't ruin your dick please don't um this comes from a reddit throwaway account scared of accidentally putting in her ass rather than pussy i know this is gonna

be shocking okay i'm a virgin so please forgive my ignorance i get that they look different i get how they feel different and i get how they even smell different but i'm still scared of fucking it up is it really easy to tell the difference between her pussy and her asshole with the top of your dick? Well, science has been trying to discover which is which for years. And honestly, if it wasn't for the fact, if there was a third

option, we'd be really fucked. But right now, it's 50-50 shot, and that's okay. Niall, don't come at me with your jokes all right we know that they smell different do they we know that they look different do they also like you don't have to feel this situation out with the tip of your dick alone i would say that would be the hardest way to figure out a hundred percent yeah but like it's not like you're blindfolded, pinned to a wall,

and the only thing you can move is, like, your hips, and then you have to, like, navigate your way in. That's not how this works. Guess what, bud? You have your eyes. And you have your hands. Hey, to be fair, if it's dark or in certain positions, you don't get to see either hole.

True. Or all holes. But what I'm saying is, presumably you have the ability to turn the light on or to use your hand. Yes. Or both. Also, let me tell you right now, you're not going to accidentally slip it in someone's ass. Yeah, that's another thing. I mean.

Unless you have, wait, what age is this person? I don't know. They don't say. Okay. Unless you have buckets of lube, and unless they... It's not their first time, and they are, you know, acclimatized. Even then, it's not going to be... The first time I ever had anal sex was an accident. I will say I have definitely had a slip. Those slips usually were like just, you know, those times where someone's just so fucking wet, it's everywhere and you're jackhammering.

And then it slips out and it might, you know, and another time was at a pool. And I feel really bad about those times because no one enjoyed that. Yeah. And it wasn't yeah and it wasn't like uh it wasn't like oh shit now we're doing anal it was just like oh and then oh sorry and then you know it was fine um so like yeah stuff stuff like that can happen but unless you're doing something so wrong you're good you're good man like find where you're going with your hands first and guide yourself in easy yeah or and if you're really worried about it get them to help yeah you could even just be like hey like

if you use your hand somewhere else you'd be like put me in put me in you have to say it in that voice though or else it's weird um i mean sometimes you get in the bottom make her get on top and she will grab it and put it in or just be like like turn the lights on and look like this unless again unless you're in some kind of game show where you are pinned to a wall blindfolded your nose is pinched shut with a fucking like clothes hook what am i talking about you know what i'm talking about i don't know this you don't have to just well here's something the thing. I think smell is the most concerning thing because if you're trying to insert your dick into either one of them,

and you can smell the distinction between... What if they're going down and just being like, hold on. Wait. Oh, yeah. No, that one's the butt. That's what? Let me put my hand here to remember where it

is let me get it but he can't use his hands uh yeah it's like chances are you're gonna get a a notification if you're going in the butt yeah that's another thing even if somehow you manage to fail this entire way they will be be like, Oh wait. And you'll be like, Oh, sorry. And guess what? That's one, one of two options done. So you just go with the second one. I mean,

I've had so much sex and there are still times in certain positions where if I've fallen out and I have to reinsert and I do it with a little bit of enthusiasm, I still get the, Oh, nope. And I was like, Oh, okay. Sorry. Which is fine because it's not your first time because it was your first

time. And you're just like half, like haphazardly, like just slip. That's not, that's not how you do it, man. You need to come at this with a little bit more focus.

I'm assuming this is just like, not a real question in terms of like, I don't think it's an actual necessarily like real fear. I think it's more just the general fear of sex and they're overthinking everything. I don't think it's an actual. Necessarily like real fear. I think it's more just the general fear of sex. And they're overthinking everything. I get it. First time scary. Yeah.

And it's like I'm sure there's so much shit in media. And stuff of people being like. Oh no it's in the wrong hole. Like that doesn't happen. I mean it does. We've talked about how it happens. But it doesn't happen where it's just like. Oops.

No you'll get sort of like, oh, no, sorry. Wrong hole. Yeah. A little lower or a little higher, depending on what angle you're going at. Maybe a little bit to the left or right. You don't know if they're sideways. Yeah, true. So just relax.

And if you're really worried, just ask them to put it in. Yeah. Another trick that I used when I was a virgin and still sort of figuring out the female anatomy was. You tie a string to their clit and you tie the end to your dick. And then when you're going down, you just follow the knots. I mean, you're not super off. What I did was I would I my dick on her clit. I would use my dick to sort of tease her with my clit. Or with her clit. And shut it down.

And then slide it down until I find where it goes in. And it's like, I did it. And the thing is, you'll probably be using your hand to guide yourself in. And or spread her. So, like, you're not going in here alone. Hands are there to help, bud. Yeah. Your eyes are there to help. Enjoy. Even if you're not going in here alone hands are there to help but yeah your eyes are there to help enjoy even if you're holding your dick put your finger so like but one finger is sort of like

down and like dangling and you'll be able to feel the second you feel it'd be like okay cool there it is and then it's not like you have to sort of like you know grope your way around and be like where is it and then like you'll find it and it's your first time you want to like sit back, look down and just watch it slide in. It's the best. Enjoy. Yeah. Enjoy this.

And also there's no harm in letting people know that like, if you're about to have sex, there's no harm in being like, Hey, it's my first time. Yeah. You know, and,

and navigate that because especially for dudes, like it can be so bad the first time because everyone's so worried about it and we're so like up in our heads about being like ah look we gotta be perfect at it is my dick okay have i stretched enough will i last long enough is this the butt or the vagina let me smell it i don't know now the thing is relax we know it's really hard. And that's why me and Dane actually have maps for sale on our website that will guide you straight to the vagina. And we have like optional routes for getting to the butt if you want to. The thing is, for your first time, if you want to go here, you just follow our very direct maps. They're, I think, what, $7.99 now for isolation?

Yeah, they're i think what 7.99 now for isolation yeah they're uh they're on sale yeah and hey whatever you do don't google female bodies just don't do it don't look for images we definitely didn't steal the first image that came up and nope and just draw remove the watermark yeah we didn't do that no we actually did remove the watermark so It's still there. If anyone sees stockimages.ie, don't tell them that we took their thing. All right, let's do one more quick question. This is by Dimmest Bulb. Found out my 28-year-old male girlfriend, 29-year-old female, will crumple up an entire new chip bag before opening, effectively into dust. She then eats the crumbs with a spoon.

How do I handle this madness? I'm at a loss, Reddit. I'm not prepared for the financial toll of duplicate chip bags. This is the most upsetting question we've had on this podcast. And we've had some bad ones. I think the only answer here is a flamethrower

and you need to send this demon back to hell from whence it came, because there's no way this is a flamethrower and you need to send this demon back to hell from whence it came because there's no way this is a human being i'm thinking it's the same person that cut your subway all those episodes ago maybe you know yeah and i think if i have i have many thoughts about this. Firstly, if you just found this out, what other things does she do? It can't be just this one thing. You need to get her to buy some ice cream and be like, hey, can you make me a bowl of ice cream? Does she microwave it? Right?

Does she just compress it into one tiny little ice cube and just pop it into your mouth? But also, does she think this is how it's meant to be done like does she know but made her own choice because you know what i can handle that i can i can appreciate at least the individuality there but what if she thinks this is it what if she does not know how you're meant to do it how does she eat chips out and about how does she eat popcorn yeah i look look if not know how you're meant to do it? How does she eat chips out and about? How does she eat popcorn? Yeah. Look, if this is how you prefer to eat chips, that's fine. But put them in a bowl and then fucking punch them.

Don't ruin the whole bag of chips for everyone. Can you just take half out first for yourself? That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. Split the bag. Like, don't. You know what? It seems like the girlfriend is a problem solver here, and the

guy just has no idea how to do this. You don't need to buy duplicate chip bags, you lunatic. I mean, I would, because I would never see this woman again. Oh yeah, no, 100%. Well, you wouldn't buy a duplicate then, would you? I would. I would buy extra chips so that she could not do this to them. What if

you bought her some Pringles? That's the first question. that's the first that's the first question oh my first comment this is this is how like you know how you know some oh you have to know the genie's real name to defeat him or you know like those kind of like things i think this is it i think if you give her a can of pringles and like exactly you have banished her and we will be freed from the curse of this woman what would what would her her name be this this monster whatever ruined food is backwards damn doof denur. Damn, doof denur is actually a pretty cool name. Doof denur.

Yeah, that's a new demon, guys. We uncovered it here. You know what's funny? I think I've solved a lot of our modern day problems. You know the way you can get salt and pour it in a circle and it'll trap like an evil spirit or a demon? Yeah. I thought you were just going to introduce me to the concept of salt you know salt salt's pretty great no salt yeah no but but like come on yes yeah demon yes yeah yeah so you pour it around the person who's possessed they still can't leave even though it's a normal person being possessed by this evil spirit because

the evil spirit right yeah right okay so get this self-driving self-driving cars you pour a circle of salt around them they do not leave they cannot leave right and some people think it's because it looks like the lines on a road but look at it this way what possesses cars to make them drive 5g 5g is the devil. Okay, so this has nothing to do with the question. You're just going on a 5G. I'm glad I prefaced this episode with saying sometimes we give advice to things that don't have anything to do with the question, because when I've done that, I'm

pretty sure every question... Yeah, I just saw a thing about putting salt around self-driving cars. Yeah, there we go, boys. I think that'll do it. I just saw a thing about putting salt around self-driving cars. Uh, yeah, there we go, boys. I think that'll do it. I think that is how we'll end it.

It's been a pleasure. Thank you very much for listening. We don't hold it against you. If you never listen again, but here's, I'm going to tell you right now, if you, if you stop listening,

you will not know whether or not your girlfriend is a demon or not. It's true. Also, I saw him saying, I did completely forget. We had an update from last week. listening you will not know whether or not your girlfriend is a demon or not that's true also that's all i'm saying i did completely forget we had an update from last week oh yeah we have time i don't i can go find the actual thing or i could just tell you what happened because yeah tell me what happened uh so remind me the question this was uh the guy who accidentally offended the one legged girl he was into by calling her a pirate yes turns out she did find it funny but she was in turn making him sweat by not replying because she didn't find it that funny

she's like i found it funny but not funny enough to not make you sweat and apparently things are going well and they have a date set for after isolation that is fantastic right that is news i feel i'm actually more on board like already i was like cheering for them but like that level of i like i want to say pettiness but it's not pettiness because it was good yeah they've got like joined for it adjoined levels of mischief which i think is probably one of the most important things for any relationship oh 100 if you can't if you can't have like that little bit of scampi nature i appreciate that she one found it funny two was willing to fuck with him and three knew that he must have been feeling bad about the joke that he made so it's like this this delicious level of just everyone

knew where they were at so if you guys ever hear this podcast we're rooting for you break a leg thank you josh eagle in the harvest sorry i just wait until you spoke so i can speak over you the nile spain story hell yeah if you have a question and you would like us to uh answer it And it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not we will send you women to have sex with. Yeah. You can send us a message on Facebook at FCK Buddies Podcast. You can find us on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. You can hit us up on Instagram if you want, because I know that's a thing that people are doing at Fuck Buddies Podcast.

You can email us at F Buddies Podcast. You can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. Hell yeah. Well, thank you, Josh Eagle on the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars, which you guys hear every time. Start of the episode. End of the episode. That's a good one. And the end of the episode.

Yeah, it's a good one. We are being honest. If you guys want to jump on the farm with 100 yeah and maybe maybe do some shenanigans maybe harvest a field or two you can see our cows and our chickens um shoot us a message on any of the social media and we'll try to set up something or we'll we'll start a public game and we'll uh we'll we'll give you the like the name and the password um you ready for some sex writing i am it will not be good sex writing i just got to tell you because this is a segment where we do bad sex writing okay well i'll deal with it this time

you sure yeah yeah so this one's a little different not that it's good because again as stated this is bad sex writing you get it you get what this is i get it okay perfect so this is the the blurb i guess the description of a book. And this is by Carlton Mellick III, I believe. Damn. It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead. Holy shit! Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacey.

Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees. When the living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex,

Stacy learns her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place but once inside steve finds it difficult to return especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named fig who lives within the lonely haunted world between stacy's legs man that was that weird fucking follow-up song stacy's legs are haunted up as shit fig lives inside and she is really fit i would love the idea it made me want to shout he was like whoa i'm not cool with this haunted vagina you have and she's like no no

it's fine don't worry about it then a dude crawls comes out and then she's like hey get in there and he's like all right yeah oh shit you weren't on board with a possibly haunted vagina but now that you know 100 that that vagina is haunted that you're like yeah let me crawl up in there also it's like steve completely disagrees but then goes and has sex with her again i don't think that's complete disagreement there bud also how small is this corpse well i'm gonna assume it's a whole body no well he also gets in i guess yeah he gets in going to assume it's a whole body. Well, he also gets in, I guess. Yeah, he gets in there, so clearly it's possible. Imagine that question coming in.

Hey, I met an oddly attractive woman who lives inside my girlfriend's haunted vagina. I think I've fallen in love with her. How do I proceed? Also, what's that corpse doing? Yeah, does it just leave? Do they kill it? Do they fight it? I'm not going to lie.

I actually very much want to read this book. It kind of sucks knowing that your writing career is over. Can never be as good as this. Because this is the only book that needs to exist. Yeah. Thankfully, as a screenwriter, I can make this into a movie. I would watch that. I think everyone would.

So to finish off every episode, I like to present a little bit of I don't want to say wisdom, but something, a little bit of something from the Pornhub comment section. This comes from Pornhub user CokeSpark and they say, I was reading about the Bayes

theorem, then I got horny and jacked off to this. Now my dopamine is depleted. And I'm probably never going to learn math because I'm a porn addict. Sad face. You know what? That's why I'm bad at math too. Right? I think that's why I'm bad at everything.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm now Spain. Don't wreck your dick. Don't wreck your dick. And we've been your fuck buddies. Hell yeah. and I'm now Spain don't wreck your dick don't wreck your dick and we've been your fuck buddies hell yeah