F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 87 - Banging Grandma While Jesus Watches

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

A brief apology for some of the audio issues this week, my microphone decided to crank itself to 11 while we were recording, but thanks to modern technology, we were able to fix the issue for the most part and deliver another week of rousing sex and dating advice.  Topics include terrorist incels, the boundary between insecurity and invasion,  clearing your mind during sex, an unexpected elderly audience, a sexual hydration solution, a hostile business takeover.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Mal Spain, we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. We're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we answer sex and dating advice questions either users of our fine service provide or we find on social media. That was smooth like butter. Yeah, that's kind of what we aim for social media. That was smooth like butter. Yeah, that's kind of what we aim for here also. I do, right off the tap, I want to discuss something. Because I did get a fair amount of messages.

I wasn't actually going to pee in my cat's litter box like I want to make that clear well you did say that you were no I said that there was an impulse

there was a feel like I wasn't actually going to do it because let me tell you guys I was alone I had the house to myself. If I wanted to do it, I would have done it. Yeah, but would you have told us about it? I wouldn't have. That's the thing.

And you didn't. But I did tell you about it. No, you didn't tell us that you did it. Oh, no. I would have completely avoided the subject altogether. It would have been my secret shame. I wouldn't have been like, hey, I think it'd be funny to pee in the cash litter box. No, I believe you. And put that idea into everyone's mind. That mind that's okay i believe you i don't care if you do or don't

i just had to get it out there now let's talk about the real important issues facebook avatars have you made one what does he look like is it great uh no no and no well why not um i don't know. I feel like I never get them to look anything like what I look like. Um, and also I just don't, didn't have the energy. Also, everyone kind of started doing it and I was like, that's lame. You're just jealous that mine looks exactly like me. Yeah, yours is too perfect.

It's weird. Like everyone, like I saw it was like, holy shit. They made this new program that does really good avatars and i saw everybody else's and i was like nope nope just dane yeah it's very easy to make things look like me though i yeah it's like as long as you got big eyebrows and a beard you're good throw a fucking hat on that boy and you're great um so we do have something pretty serious to talk about i mean if it's not me peeing in litter boxes and facebook avatars i don't know what else there is to talk about in the world um well there is the very important legal thing actually happened during

the week uh if we're gonna step out of funny town for a minute um where someone was charged for like an incel related attack under terrorism laws so you're going yeah you're going full series okay i am yeah yeah um so like we talked about like really fucked up shit like this before like the the van attack that happened in toronto uh a while ago and even that wasn't uh they didn't lay down the terrorism charge even though he admitted that it was incel related but for the first time they have actually uh laid down a terrorism charge that isn't related to uh like radical islamic it's the first time it's not radical islamic uh behavior that they've actually laid down a terrorism charge on in canada um which is a pretty big step and it's like i guess a recognition of how fucked up

views like that are and like how serious the issue is but hopefully it's somewhat of a deterrent in that like you know if you do this you're gonna get like the whole fucking book thrown at you well yes I mean this is this is great news because one I'm pretty sure they have now added incel to sort of like I don't remember what it's called. It's like IMVE or something like that, which is essentially like the hate group for Canada or Toronto. Yeah. But it's like, you know, it's a thing that now says that like incel and its operations are domestic terrorism, more or less um which is fucking great um but i think like as as good as it like this this is important for the people that caught but like even with the

guy on the van attack he tried to do you know suicide by cop he pulled out a cell phone and tried to make it look like a gun yeah so i like i think though i mean the whole reason we started this podcast is you know preventative measures hopefully someone who who's on that path can hear our advice and hopefully that can reach them to realize that there is an alternative to being that angry yeah um i i think what like as important as this is i think we still need to focus on like getting to people before it's oh yeah i think it's just like it's a pretty hard stance taken by canada and that's like a good thing like to condemn it and kind of no one's uncertain terms is uh is really good so yeah and a rare one for canada as well yeah hopefully it's it's, it's the, I don't know. I just, it's, it's weird to make like conclusions based on,

I just hope that it's, it's a recognition of it as a serious problem. I don't think that's ever a bad thing. Hopefully with, with them realizing how dangerous this is, there can now be sort of a, you know, government funded studies on the psychology behind it and stuff

like that and then hopefully you know redistribute some of this attention into mental health that that would actually benefit people before yeah that's the thing and now it won't necessarily be just laughed out of the room because people can be like yo it's like actual fucking terrorism so yeah you know yeah it gives it kind of that weight that hopefully it can be dealt with yeah there's now some gravitas behind it that that you can actually you know it's not just like oh it's feminism being triggered yeah no no incel is a thing and and it is it is a dangerous ideology um right should we step away from being serious for a second? Yeah. We get a PSA from seduction. It's not a question. I'm just going to start us off with this. Guys, remember, after quarantine, girls are going to be extra horny.

After quarantine, it'll be easy to get laid or find a girlfriend, etc. Girls have gone months of loneliness without going outside and getting attention, sex, or party. So after quarantine, girls are going to go wild and their standards are going to be lower. They're going to be open to sleeping around. So it's important to remember that. Take this time to improve yourself, positive, and not let this opportunity pass you by. Sorry, did he have to specify that improving yourself should be in a positive situation? No, I'm specifying that that's just a glimmer of positivity in this otherwise kind of murky post. I thought he was like hey guys approve yourself positively

all the guys out there who were like improving themselves negatively damn it i've been practicing interrupting people uh for real though we start off with a nice little question here yeah let's do it uh i start this one's a little longer but it's it's one that interests me yeah all the time in the world within an hour this is by user fridgie 21 my 20 20 year old female boyfriend 20 year old male didn't tell me he slept at one of his close friends after getting angry at me for not trusting him i've been seeing my boyfriend for about five months i have a lot of issues with retroactive jealousy and trust issues namely trick trickle-truthing and withholding information so I wouldn't be hurt until I inevitably found out from

my 1.5-year relationship with my ex. At the start of this relationship, I told him I had these issues, had an incident where my previous partner where I was confronted by a friend who had previously slept with my ex, and then she laughed at me and told me every last detail when they slept together in a room of seven girls. It was a traumatizing experience that resulted in a lot of personal issues later on. I told my boyfriend I don't need to know his past UNLESS, all caps, I had to meet them slash speak with them because I never wanted to be caught out like that again.

I talked about this with him many times. We're in the same friend group, so I already know about most of the people he slept with as he introduced them and included them in the group. Another issue is one of them he decided to include after we started dating he doesn't which i assume means he didn't initially tell her but then told her after i doubt it meant that he slept with her he doesn't know most of the people i slept with though as i went to a residential college similar to sorority and only slept with people there he refuses to know any details timelines or names which i respect but it means he doesn't have to deal with having the knowledge like i do last night i made a massive mistake chose to snoop through his

facebook messages to see his messages with two girls i was suspicious of nothing else this is how i found out my ex was lying to me about things a year into our relationship and when i suddenly had unlimited access to it i snooped i was completely wrong it was completely wrong with me and i immediately called him a midget and he is slash was extremely angry at me since I disappointed him. And he doesn't know what to do. He's been distant upset since then. And we spent the day together yesterday because he told me he still wanted to be near. The main argument is because he's obsessed. I don't he's upset. I don't completely trust him. I do love and trust him, but I have my reservations. But he says he needs me to trust him completely and is disappointed that he doesn't. Later that day, he told me he hooked up with slash slept with one of his best friend's nieces, who he is close friends with and hangs out regularly. I've met her before and she was dismissive of me, wouldn't talk, kept whispering about me, etc. And I was really upset about it because I want his friends to like and approve of me. I thought it was my fault.

I have a lot of social anxiety, couldn't figure out what I'd done to make her act that way. He was planning on moving in with her and his best friend in September. And of course I approved at the time because as far as I was aware, the relationship was completely platonic. He claimed he was sure he's told me before, but I'm a hundred percent certain he didn't. I have such bad anxiety, insecurity, and retroactive jealousy that if you had mentioned it happening even briefly, I wouldn't have been able to forget about it. I feel blindsided. I feel like I couldn't be upset because I'd done something wrong. I'm still trying to make it up to him. It just completely solidified that nagging feeling I had about not trusting him.

I don't know how to feel or react. I've always been very clear that this is my number one fear of relationships. After experiencing it multiple times in my acts, I'm being humiliated by it multiple times. I don't know what to do from here, especially after he spent so long being upset at me for not trusting him. Oh boy, okay. Sorry, that was long, but... So I'm gonna cole's notes it just so i make sure i understand it and everyone knows what we're talking about um she her ex didn't tell her who he slept with one night a girl was like hey i fucked Presumably not while they were together, just like in the past.

That embarrassed her. And now she wants her current partner to disclose everyone he's ever slept with if she's going to come in contact with them. And then she snooped through his Facebook thinking that there were two girls that he had slept with and didn't tell her and then didn't find anything. Yeah. And now she's upset because he's moving in with his best friend and niece and he slept with the niece and didn't tell her about that. Yeah, he's moving in with his best friend

and his best friend's niece and had previously slept with the niece again before they were dating and claims to have told her, but she claims he would have known and that he's only telling her now. Okay. claims to have told her but she claims he would have known and that he's only telling her now okay yeah there's a lot there um so this is it's interesting because i i kind of understand where she's coming from i don't like to be the only person in the dark um so in social situations especially when like when amanda and I were still open, if

we were going to a place that was, uh, predominantly like her scene, like if we're going to a band that she likes and with people that she's, you know, close to or whatever, I would, I would like the heads up. Yeah. Or even like a work party or something. If there's like, yeah, I get you. Right. Like their social sphere that you're kind of entering into.

Yeah. I would like the, the the the nudge of being like oh hey just so you know like me and this person have hooked up because it's like I don't want to be the guy everyone like who doesn't know but like at the end of the day I don't

I don't I mean like now I don't give a shit well that's the thing I feel like when you're in an active like poly yammery like kind of situation it's totally different because stuff could be ongoing and there's also like like there's there's just various things like you don't really know where everyone's at in terms of like acceptance or like what they expect the night to go because if they see them they might be like oh hey are we going home together which could be awkward if you were

also there but is less awkward if you kind of know the situation like there's a lot more pitfalls and traps whereas like when you're dating someone that's like does it really matter well even in even in like a monogamy like again at this point in my life i have squashed a lot of jealousy like a lot of my jealous impulses are just not there anymore i i don't really worry about it because it's something i've worked on forever um but even even in like a monogamous situation like if if i'm going into a situation where someone has had a even if it's you know a moderately intense uh romantic or sexual interaction with someone i would still kind of like just the heads up of

being like you know just in case if that person is weird i know why yeah you know what i mean or if if they're being real fucking creepy i can keep an eye out you know i mean it's like it's an extra set of eyes um that like i don't think that is necessarily like too fucking wild or invasive to ask um especially if like these you know traumas that she went through are are recent and still at the forefront and she's still processing them that's fine i don't think it's an unfair ask but not necessarily but um but i think the the idea that he needs to have like a catalog of people and like tick off a list and be like remember every single person he's ever slept with and that he's also told you it like that could get exhausting and very very

easy to be like wait so i didn't tell you about her i could have swore i did you know what i mean like that i also understand is a very uh very likely scenario of just forgetting who you fucking you know giving the rundown on yeah like it's like i i agree with you it's not necessarily a wild ask you know what i mean to be like hey just like give me a heads up if we're gonna hang out with someone you know but i think it is also kind of overbearing to be like everybody you have to tell me everybody like give me the list and then also be pissy at them if you like i don't really feel like it's your partner's responsibility to take like full responsibility for your trauma and your issues you know what i mean because like yeah it sucks that you have retroactive jealousy issues but that's something you should be getting over not giving a crutch to

which is just like you have to tell me and i guess i can deal with it if i'm pre-prepared but like it's not on them necessarily to deal with your issues yeah i mean like it's it's 100 something you can work on together but like the my real issue here is and maybe i misunderstood it maybe she didn't make it you know clear but but it just sounds like someone came up to her and was like hey i fucked I fucked your boyfriend way back when, and then talked about it. Yeah. You know, even if she was being gross about it,

it's like, it's like, so okay. Like, yeah, I know you fucked my boyfriend at some point. Like if someone came up to me and was like, Hey,

I, you know, I've fucked your girlfriend. I'd be like, nice. It was like, well, has it been in the past five years?

No. All right. Then whatever. Cool. Good for you. I guess like, like, um it been in the past five years no all right then whatever cool good for you i guess like like um that's the thing like i don't understand why it would matter and especially matter that much and then matter so much she's now bringing into this relationship and like i don't know like she there's no kind of like i get no point in this does do they kind of like take responsibility for this it's like i told him it's i have an issue so therefore i'm completely absolved because i told him he made

a promise so it's all his fault and it's like yeah but you also shouldn't have these issues in a relationship like obviously it's it's hard to work on jealousy and it's like a thing you you know you get better as you grow older hopefully but like at the same time it's like fuck it happened before your relationship you know get over it and like i could i could understand him even if this was an intentional thing and he didn't tell you about the niece because because he was gonna move in yeah it's like yeah it's like okay cool so my whole i have to rearrange my whole life and like what I want to do because you have, you know,

your insecurities aren't going to let me move in with my best friend. Yeah. That's, that's a, that's, I think that is when like the ask becomes an overreaching thing. Like you're, you're outside of your,

your boundaries as a partner. Yeah. Um, it'd be one thing if like these two had like this huge love affair and they've been like you know they were high school sweethearts or what you know what i mean like they've been romantically involved since they were like six and there's a lot of baggage there and even then it's like if they're not doing anything else like whatever but if like you know if they're still acting real sketchy sure but guess what when you went through all those fucking messages you probably picked up

on something exactly which also is fucked that i mean that's the thing it's like you are expecting this guy to be flawless in his dedication to your neuroses but then you he she at no point in time does she ever sort of be like you know take a step back be like oh i've overstepped in in a bunch of ways predominantly in the in going through his messages because like she wasn't even vindicated it's one thing if you go through messages being like i know they're cheating on me and i need proof and you find it yeah but like to just be like i'm suspicious of these people and then go through and be like well there was nothing there so i'm fine it's like you're not fine yeah like if that was me i i would have a hard time moving on from that like i broke up with

my ex like she she went through my messages once uh same thing was like like came to me happy and was like oh my god like i went through all your messages i was like super suspicious and jealous and i'm so glad like i she went through like six months of messages like from my family from like everybody i came to me as if it was a good thing was like it's great i could trust you again there's like one like why the fuck didn't you like nothing had ever happened like she'd be like where are you i'm like i'm at work she's like really yeah and she's like you know swing by work all suspicious i'm like what the fuck is wrong with you um and anyway we this happened i was like okay cool but if this ever happens again we're done

right you you had your intensely invasive Snoop. But like, you know, we can't live like that. And then within two, three months, she was back to being all suspicious. Did it again. Again was like, oh, it's good though. I know nothing's happening. And I was like, I'll buy. Yeah.

But like also, and I love this. He doesn't know the people she slept with because they're in different friend groups. And he doesn't really want to know. But it means he doesn't have to deal with having that knowledge like I do. You've asked to have that fucking knowledge. Yeah. If you want ignorance, then it's very easy to maintain ignorance of your partner's sexual history but if you're asking for like uh you know a dated detailed catalog of everyone he's ever slept with it's it's such a wild like

uh you know split of of what you want and what you're afraid of and what you're my i mean the advice here i think is she needs to go get professional uh mental help like i she needs to see a therapist because there are so many underlying issues here that are only going to get worse because eventually this boyfriend's going to get annoyed and do something and it's not necessarily he's going to cheat but he like there's a very good chance that he's going to break up with her yeah and then when that happens he moves in with the with this niece yeah and the person doesn't treat him like shit um well it's not even that it's like how how much like how much more neurotic is she going to get like you think that's you think she's not going to go through your texts

when you're living with this person you know what i mean it's there's going to be a lot of overstepping of boundaries if this is the the situation already she had no reason to be suspicious and she still went through all this shit yeah now she's like she's gonna like and and again even if we remove the whole relationship and him out of the equation the amount of anxiety she's gonna put herself through during this whole ordeal like she's going to be at home stressed the entire time because if if she's not with him she's going to be assuming that he's fucking the niece yeah or she's not even going to let him move in at which point he's just going to be pissed off and bitter anyway yeah if that doesn't end it it's definitely going to poison it yeah so it's like it's some and and it's not it's not gonna get better you know i mean you're not gonna she's not gonna learn her lesson because because this isn't something like she

made all of this yeah you know i mean like this isn't a real again unless i'm misunderstanding what happened this isn't like an ex gaslighted her it's her ex had sex with someone and that person told her about it that's that's not that's not a betrayal on any part it's like if you want to be mad be mad at the person who apparently doesn't have the social grace to not tell yeah sexual you know what i mean it's like be mad at her but like that's the only weird thing here yeah you can't project someone else's you know stupid bullshit you know poor social graces onto a relationship like it seems like the ex-boyfriend didn't even do anything right from what i can see here yeah so you've you've like she's completely constructed this sort of like you know world where she's been

so hard done by by these exes and her current boyfriend but like no one's done anything to her and on top of that it's like i know like she doesn't seem to think she has a problem or an issue at all like i have issues with retroactive jealousy like and then moves on to be like why people aren't dealing with it not yeah why am i, why am I not dealing with it? You know what I mean? Or what can I do to help this? And I know 100% once this person gets broken up with, she's going to blame it on some girl or somebody else. It's never going to be her. It's never going to be that issue.

It's going to make that issue deeper as, you know, instead. So for me, it's like, that's the funny thing is like, it is a reasonable thing to ask. But I think this is a totally unreasonable situation yeah and yeah like i wanted to yeah it's like what she's doing isn't wild it's why she's doing it and the extent in which she's doing it i think it's i think being open and honest with your partner being like in social situations being like hey just so you know with this person there might be tension or you know just like i said the the heads up is great i appreciate the heads up but to then expect that person to give you you know the detailed

breakdown on everyone ever that's exhausting like i'm solely in charge of your wild jealousy you know what i mean like without you ever taking like you saying you have an issue and breezing by it like it isn't an issue isn't you working on it or owning it no you know i can't just like i have you know i have violence issues but it's okay however all these people are pissing me off making me hit them it's like no no no no um yeah this is this is a this is a professional help situation. Please take care of yourself because this guy is going to move on. You're going to be the crazy ex-girlfriend, and you're the one who's going to spiral.

Yeah, it's only going to deepen shit. Guess which way every single comment goes. I'm assuming he's the terrible monster. Yep. This comes from a Reddit user, Asianian gal with big boobs how do you clear your mind during sex i overthink a lot during sex so much that my boyfriend notices i just think about what different positions to do next to please him am i doing an amazing job do i smell down there i also feel guilty about having past sexual partners before him. I feel insecure during

sex sometimes. How do you just get out of your head and just be in the moment? Well, at least you're doing the right thing, which is focusing massively on not thinking. So that's the thing. You have to think really hard about not thinking. Be consumed by it. Make sure when you're going in, you're like, can't think, can't think. Repeat that. And then think about whether you're overthinking. Because if you are overthinking, even when you're thinking that you shouldn't be thinking, then you're overthinking. You know?

Well, yeah. See, you have to think harder. She just doesn't want to overthink sex. So if you overthink, you're overthinking. Boom. You're not thinking about sex anymore. Now you're thinking about your thinking. And that would be great.

Or underthink sex. Forget what it is. We'll go in and be like huh does this go here yeah and it's like you know when you like see you know when people are like oh just if you're sad like fake a smile and eventually you know you'll actually smile if you start faking that you don't know what sex is eventually you'll forget what sex is there is nothing more attractive than having sex with someone who is acting like they what what are you doing with cisco yeah and like don't act like you're not into it because then it seems like a little rapey and weird

um obviously that's not what we want act like you can still be into it like wonder we're suggesting is okay yeah everything else is totally fine uh okay i can't keep this ruse going anymore guess what guys ladies and gentlemen that was a joke that wasn't real advice we got you gotcha i'm gonna suggest a gambit here how about you go into sex thinking purely about yourself go with the aim of you get in there and you come and then you won't be worrying about like making a little game for yourself or like you know tie them down blindfold them like you know if you're worried about how you like look or smell or whatever like pin them down blindfold them have a shower before do all the things you can do to make

yourself as comfortable like eliminate the possibilities, right? If you're worried about smell, have a shower. Boom. If you are worried about how you look, like, and I get it. Sometimes, you know, you're just going ham and someone glances up and you're like, damn, I'm probably double chinning it right now. So put a blindfold on them, you know what I mean? And then fuck their pleasure. And I mean that in like, I'm sure you know enough about your partner that you can pleasure them afterwards or whatever.

But like, make it your goal to get yourself off. And I think that can be like a nice, rewarding, you know, affirming situation where like it seems like you're overly worried about their side of things, which is which is good to a degree. You know what I mean? You don't want to overdo it, which it seems like it might be happening. But if you make it your goal just to focus on claire time i assume your name is claire um as every other woman who said we dress on this podcast okay you're right we need a new name uh minding so minding mindy mindy minding isn't a name i mean that's more of a human name i just saw miller written on my screen i tried to turn that into uh mallor there we go i you go you take it from here that's not a bad idea it's just

sort of like yeah um i would i was just going to suggest the the normal things that people do to help you know calm their mind and let's focused on your breathing um if you just sort of like if you time your your breaths with sort of like the rhythm of sex um you will find that you're of the sex sorry the sex um that leads into the put on some music if you guys don't mind listening to music during sex like that is a great way to take your mind off you know i mean like if you really need to the problem with that is like now you're detaching which if he's noticing you overthinking he's probably going to notice you spacing out um so the other alternative i would suggest is talk to your partner be like hey i i sometimes get a little

insecure during sex and i and i you know tend to hyper focus on things do you mind running the show and then you don't have to worry about picking positions he's if he wants to put you in doggy style he'll put you in doggy style if he wants you on top he'll get you on top you know what i mean so that takes all that pressure of being like oh am i doing this am i doing that what should i do next what should i you don't have to worry yeah if you're worried about how you look turn off the light blindfold you know what i mean do all the things there are there are steps and then as you sort of become more comfortable and realize that sex isn't sex should be fun and sex should be carefree and sex should be you know like terrifying intense yeah it should be an organic thing should be carefree and sex should be, you know, like terrifying intense.

Yeah. It should be an organic thing that just kind of like happens. And it's okay if weird noises happen or if heads, but, and you know, like all these things are fine. Yeah. They say it's not polished and smooth. Like it might appear on porn or whatever and movies and stuff.

Yeah. It's messy and it's so much more fun yeah like so don't worry about having this sort of like movie you know cinematic sex where like everything is great and you've you know every 10 minutes you're changing position to do something new and wild it doesn't matter sometimes it's nice to just bone down and missionary for the whole time yeah because i promise you if if he's having sex or you know most people who are having sex are like and enjoying it they're that's all they need yeah especially like begins and ends there especially if you've

had sex with this person more than once which they are dating right uh yeah i think they say boyfriend yeah so it's like they they probably don't they're probably not thinking about much you know in a good way um but i think you raise a really good point with the uh with the lights and with the music so like you can do things by like there's a lot of stuff you can do to eradicate kind of like the outside world like music uh even just like swapping control like you can be in charge one time they could be in charge another time um it's it's one of those things you just like pretty much everything you just said then you gotta just focus on

having good experiences as much as you can and whichever way you do that it'll ease you into it right like if you start to have a good few times like with the light off then the next time you have it without the light off it'd probably be a little bit easier because you've relaxed somewhat yeah and if your partner is good you guys should be able to talk about it and you can just you know obviously i guess like i think it's always good to word things carefully when you're talking about sex because people's egos get in the way so like you know just make sure you know what you want to tell them so you don't get lost in the middle and accidentally offend someone but like yeah if you just want to be like yo straight up like i tend to overanalyze like you know how to please you or like what we're going to do next

and like sometimes don't get in the moment and you can see what they think you know yeah especially if like if you think if you're like oh i think he knows then then like there's no hurdle you have to jump to bring it up like if you think he's aware of it it's it's there's no point in ignoring it yeah it only gets worse than if you don't bring it up yeah because then he's like then he's gonna start detaching and be like oh why isn't she enjoying it why isn't she like you know what i mean and that's the thing there's nothing worse than when someone doesn't see me into it you know because that sucks and it's not sexy and you're just like fucking by numbers you know yeah takes all the true art out of it like real painting stupid acting by numbers this is by throw ra 287 865 my 25 year old female grandparents walked in on me getting spanked

by my boyfriend 28 year old yeah i was raised by my grandparents gave him a key to my place for emergencies well my grandma gets worried if you don't reply to her text in an hour this specific day was the first one i'd seen my boyfriend in weeks because he'd been abroad and we wanted a bit of alone time uh we put our phones on silent so he wouldn't be disturbed parent my grandma wanted me to pick something up for her got worried when I didn't pick up the phone or respond for a few hours. She decided to come over to my apartment with my granddad since she was worried and used the emergency key. When they walked in, I was splayed over my boyfriend's lap and we were both butt naked. Since we were the only people living in the apartment, we'd do whatever we want

whenever we want, wherever we want, this time on the couch. This meant that my boyfriend's hand hovering over my bare ass was the first thing my grandparents saw when they walked in. I've never seen two people back out of an apartment so quickly in my life. My grandma still giggles nervously when she talks to me, and my granddad won't make eye contact with me when we FaceTime. How do I make this less awkward? Talk about my sexual preferences is not one I want to have with the people that raised me.

Yeah, I mean, that's fair. I understand not wanting to have that conversation. I mean, I think they learned a valuable lesson of personal boundaries. Yeah. You need to turn to them right now and just be like, hey, do you know what happened the other day?

And they'll be like, and then as they're about to launch into the awkward conversation you don't want to have, you say, you fucking got grandma. And she's gonna be like what and you'd be like yeah that was an actor from the local college that i brought over to prove to you the dangers just barging into my fucking apartment and she's gonna be like oh my god and you'll be like yeah i got you she's like wow he was an incredible actor and you can be like

yeah he was and now you've learned a lesson. Can an old dog learn new tricks? And you stare at her until she gives back that key or says she will not do it again. Wait, so she thinks that he is a good actor? Wouldn't the daughter or the granddaughter also be the actor? Yeah, well, I don't know. Does it take much acting to just lie over someone's lap, Dan? Well, I think the issue is that they saw her naked. Not their boyfriend. No, it's the act, I assume, is the issue.

Well, either way, they're still seeing. Either way, you say it's an actor, nothing really happened. It was a staged scene, and then they learned their lesson. Look, I think you're kidding yourself if you think your grandpa has never spanked your grandma. He's still doing it. Right, right like i think we all imagine because it helps our psyche not you know we we pretend like our parents are these asexual and our grandparents are these asexual creatures

but it's like they made people so they've at least you 100 know they've fucked i have a hard time believing that anyone who has ever had sex has never slapped an ass. It's like, maybe if they're super hyper religious and, you know what I mean, like, very, very conservative. I don't know. You put an ass in front of someone, it's kind of like. Right? That is the devil's mounds. I think it's more devilish.

And I don't mean that in like the, ooh, devilish. But like, actually like it wrong, like infernal to not smack smack an ass if it's like right there. I think so, too. And I think sorry. And you have consent, of course. Obviously. Yes. Go home.

I was not giving you permission. Yeah. If Jesus is watching you just fucking bone into grandma and and she's got her ass and you're like, no, the Lord wouldn't want me to do this. You're going to die. He's to do this you're gonna die he's gonna feel really bad about what he's done like shit man can we not go back he's like no man it's not the second coming yet but look what they're doing they think i want them to not smack that ass like i'm sorry jesus he's like god i hate you and just slam his door he's gonna go into his room he's gonna fucking cry so way to go grandpa yeah you made

jesus cry uh yeah i mean i think this is you don't have to talk about your sexual preference you don't have to be like hey i really enjoy like spank so that's why you it's like you don't need to fucking do that all you have to do is be like hey sorry um i hadn't seen my boyfriend in a while and you came into my apartment unannounced just be like don't worry, I'm in isolation we're locked down I'm not going anywhere I'm okay, maybe knock next time

before you barge into my apartment if you're really worried yeah, what I love is this person's like, damn, this is awkward but then they think they're going to have to have an even deeper conversation about their kinks with their grandparents. There's nothing to make things less awkward. Like, oh, guys, I'm sorry you only got to see – I'm sorry you had to see that. It's a good thing you didn't walk in when we were indulging in my leather play fetish.

Or later on when I was going to get anally gaped. It's like, what? No, you don't need to do that. You just need to be like, hey, guys. So sorry about the other day obviously that was awkward um but i think in future maybe we should initiate a you know knock on the door ring the doorbell kind of protocol and and leave it at that yeah like if they want like clarity from there you know what i mean like maybe they'll be like okay was everything all right and you're like yeah it's cool you know i'm sure they understand what was happening also your granny's

giggling that's a pretty good sign yeah i mean if you think again if you think they're not fucking joking about it i promise you they went home and that grant your grandpa slapped her ass leaving the house i promise you if he is like any sort of like humor or mischief in his bones he was slapping her ass all day that day and after a certain age you know what i mean is all that keeps you going so he yeah that's dumb so yeah i mean also nobody makes eye contact over facetime you fool he's looking at the camera or not he's trying to find the camera he doesn't know where it is when he was young like rope and a ball was like wild technology that's the thing is like you you can't even make eye contact either you're looking at the screen in which case you're looking down or you're looking at the camera

which is weird exactly you want to look at the person you're talking to yeah anyway this is i don't think you have to worry too much about this there this is going to be a funny joke that you're going to make. They're going to make you very uncomfortable. They're going to make your boyfriend blush on all the holidays. Oh, man, this is going to be so now. This is now a thing. I promise you again, if your grandpa or your grandma have any sort of, you know, humorous streak, they're definitely going to tease your boyfriend about this and you forever. Yeah.

And that's great. And that's the way it should be. That is the way you overcome embarrassing things is you both be like, damn, that was weird. And then joke about it forever. Yeah. And as a result,

you're going to probably get closer to your grandparents. And so will he. Yeah. But now in a sitcom ask situation, the balance has been shifted. So now nothing will be the same between you guys until you walk in on your granny getting spanked. Oh, you watched that community episode, haven't you? To be fair, it's a pretty common trope, but yes.

Yeah. So now you guys just burst in until... That's the thing. You now have to wait outside your grandparents' house and wait until... Until you hear that leathery slap on her old tanned hide. As you know, she's got more volume than you do right now because she's got skin for days.

I mean, I don't know. Maybe she's a petite granny. Maybe she's one of them thick grannies. In my mind, she's a hot granny. She's a gilf. To be fair, she did backpedal out of the apartment pretty quickly and didn't lose a hip. So she's got some spryness to her. This comes from, I mean, I don't know why he deleted his account, but he did.

This is a deleted Reddit user. I drink a lot of water during sex. Hey, I was wondering if anybody drinks a lot of water during sex. Especially in the summer it gets super hot in nyc so i always have a hydro flask at hand my girlfriend says it's weird that i drink especially when we do doggy was wondering if anyone else is like me oh man i can see that i can see what's happening like him just like lean back just guzzling water while she's like jeremy jeremy like it's splashing on her back she's like

did you oh no you just put water on my butt again okay yeah i imagine it's also like not not like sips i imagine he's like just horse athletes are like yeah just like you know it's dribbling down you it's like when it kind of gets a thick of juice and they just sort of like two and fucking just dunk more on themselves and they get in their mouth uh i think the first thing what did he call the flask again hydro flask is that brand because i think this guy's in an ad doesn't know it i don't think so i think those are just like the you know like the metal canteens no it's totally a brand. Really? Yeah. I think it is those metal canteens, but apparently the brand is also... You know what I mean?

It's like how you call Kleenexes Kleenexes, even though they're not tissues. Gotcha. So yeah, he's 100% in an ad and doesn't know. Did you ever go see a hypnotherapist or something? Or did you sleep one day somewhere and can't remember it? Because you probably got hypnotized by the Hydro Flasks team of elite urban advertising inquisitors who just go around and they hypnotize people so that they have one specific activity that they cannot do without a Hydro Flask in hand. But you think they would do something a little more public because it's pretty shitty advertising if well not even the person you're fucking can see

because it's a doggy style yeah i think noiser the he was probably part of the early wave where they were they were playing around you know what i mean because like sex up right that's the first time you see a dog yeah oh doggy stop oh and he didn't get it quite right okay yeah i can see that or his girlfriend's really ugly oh god i'm sorry um i think he's in on that also dude just just hydrate on a regular level first i don't know yeah i mean like pre hydrate the second i'm done six yeah I drink like three pints of water that's normal I think I think everyone like after they have sex is

parched it's a lot of heavy breathing it's a lot of liquids being lost you know what I mean like I think it's absolutely normal to be like you know what I mean I always go and grab a glass of water like immediately after sex if you don't refill the tank what else are you going to make cum out of right yes your body is a cum machine and the raw materials is water that's science

yeah or coke they turn coca-cola into cum dane is he dane is drinking coke right now which i believe means his cum supplies are low i'm a friend i know about his cum supplies you can you can hear my body recharging his cum supplies churning how thick is your cum okay um so dane's buttery cum aside um i like man like i've been there i've been you know when you come home and you're fucking like you're really drunk and you're with someone and you don't have air conditioning and it's summer and you're just in a big sweaty bed fuck and it's your mouth is dry because you're fucking hard and you drank a lot of beer that day and you know i've been there but guess what i don't want to drink water in the middle of it because i got a tummy full of water and i don't like that yeah because

you've got that sloshing exactly like imagine if she's on top of you it sounds like you're fucking on a waterbed and it's just instead you are fucking a waterbed because you've become one yeah i think like so twice i think if you're really desperate i think it's kind of funny to like reach over and and grab a drink while you're having sex i think i feel like like if that's your move if that's just what you're doing the entire time you're probably not fucking very well because like you can't do it very vigorously while you're drinking you're gonna chip a tooth or again not get any water in your mouth those hydro flasks are made of stainless steel um with a smooth ergonomic like body that is uh oh god they got you too shit yeah every time you're

podcasting um oh man i want a hydro flask so bad right now fuck they're doing it again see this you know what you said it was bad but look he how many people has he reached through this posting oh shit yeah he's got us um the like look i think situation here is get one of those fucking camel packs oh yes hands free just put the tube in your mouth backpack on and you have like 19 liters of water to get you to sex and if you're drinking that much then you're probably either ill or a superhero you know the thing is if he's not distracted by his hydro flask, sorry, hydro flask, he is going to get better at sex

because he won't have to do the slowdown. He will have more free hands and he also won't have to, it won't take him away from the actions at hand, right? So he will get better at sex, which is dangerous because if you're getting better at sex

and she just like, oh, she's loving it and she gets up and she pushes you back so she can ride you boom the fucking camel pack explodes everyone's wet and not in a good way uh your bed is sure those things are it's supposed to be for bike riding i'm sure people fall off those bikes i'm sure those things are meant for like damage uh i don't know man i don't think being pressed on and like just put some pillows you know make yourself a little camel pack protection zone in a pillow for kind of thing behind you but like you're underestimating the raw sex energy of good sex we're like you know that movie moment where she gets up she pushed you down now it's okay okay boom now okay we're

gonna go another way get Get one of those, like the two beer hats. You know what I mean? The hat. Okay. The two, the two things on the side. It's a little bit,

a little bit more zany than usual sex. And everyone likes that. I think we've done it. Yeah. I think your girlfriend would prefer that you drink out of the hydro flask at that point. You know what I mean? If she's like,

well, if this is the alternative, this is, you look like a fucking idiot. Put the backpack back on or get the hydro flask back on. In reality, get fucking air conditioning.

Drink water throughout the day. And if you need a drink, do it between positions. You know what I mean? Yeah, switch it up. Before you get into doggy style, she's getting in there. You just you step off the bed. You drink a little. It spills down your chest.

The sun comes in through the window. You look really good. And you give her a wink and a little like half grin as you're walking up behind her. And she's anticipating it because then it's like there's that tiny break. There's the anticipation. But you're not like ignoring her and spilling water in her butthole this is a very easy fix maybe get some hydration tabs and just pop one before like i'm worried man well i'm worried if we've given him all these solutions for constant hydration he's just gonna and as we've as we've

discussed bodies are cum machines. Oh no. He's going to be doing dump truck loads. Yeah. This poor girl is going to get fucking, you know, Spider-Man to the bed. True. She's going to be a blown straight through her apartment wall.

Yeah. Like that one sex writing got hit with a man's load and stumbled back five feet. Yeah. Oh, sorry. You're wearing condoms? Doesn't matter.

It's going right through that. It's just like overflowing. You know what? Hydroflasks are so powerfully made that even the force of your massive cum won't break through them. So you can use that as a condom instead. Jesus Christ. All right. This is by user OK1212182GYE.

Boyfriend has completely copied my online business. My boyfriend has copied my business. I have an online business where I make homemade jewelry and accessories on a website similar to Etsy. I've been doing this for over a year now, and it was quite an accomplishment of mine. I'm unable to work a normal job due to severe chronic pain, so my hobby could generate a normal income. I was thrilled. My boyfriend hasn't been working since he owns a few investment properties which generate money. I have no income from these, which is fine, and our accounts are separate and we split all bills.

Recently, however, he started ordering jewelry stock and selling on the same website as me. The same items I sell. I'm a little bit taken back by this as he had completely stolen my business idea, just changed the aesthetics a little bit. It also takes away my customers as he's selling the exact same items. I tried to forget about it, but I found myself resenting him. I've been making jewelry my entire life, and this is my passion. I feel like he's trying to cash in on my success. He could work any job in the world as he is not disabled like me and is quite skilled in many areas. He has had quite a privilege upbringing, hence the investment properties, and I have not. I don't see why he has to do this.

His investment properties alone generate more money than my shop, so it's not like he needs extra cash or anything. I briefly mention stuff like, oh, you're making those earrings too? And he just pretends he doesn't know I'm selling them or says I don't own the internet. I'm not sure if I'm being petty and should move on or should confront him. Thanks. It's one thing to be like, oh, sorry sorry i didn't know you're telling those guys but to then be like hey man it's a freak country yeah right i like it there she acts as if like she says him in the same breath as if it's like the same like either he says this or this there are two wildly different responses yeah i mean one is you know obviously

like i assume ignorance because like obviously you're making money somehow so he must know what you do maybe not the specific you know every individual piece that you're also like are you making it like or are you just buying it from one place and then reselling it because like it seems strange that if you're making jewelry that he is also making the exact same yeah she says i i assume there's a make it just says i have an online business where i my homemade jewelry and accessories so i assume it's make my or sell my but they do say homemade so maybe it's just like buying different parts and like assembling them you know yeah i don't know because like i find it's just like buying different parts and like assembling them. Yeah, I don't know. Because like I find it's very – if you're homemaking your stuff, I imagine like if he doesn't have any skill in making jewelry, he can't be making the same stuff as you. But that's – again, that has nothing to do with anything.

Well, this is a weird flex. Like this is bold. Imagine dead ass looking your partner in the eye and just being like, what? Yeah. I actually didn't bring this question up to get answers. This is a suggestion. I think you got to get really into burlesque. I mean, yeah. And just be like, you don't own the stage.

You don't own the stage. You don't own this pole. You don't own this terroir clothing. I actually do, Dane. Well, I'm borrowing it, okay? Well, I've ruined it because I'm twice the size of you. Can you own what's been destroyed? Can you?

Can you imagine doing this? It's so shitty. It's such a... Yeah, I don't... There's no reason to do this. Especially when it's like, this is my livelihood. Not anymore. it's mine hey but to be fair though

she does not own the internet I'm pretty sure because if she did she wouldn't need the money from jewelry it'd be like having like a you know a bespoke coffee shop and then this guy leases the store next to him and opens a Starbucks yeah

you know what I mean like there's or another bespoke coffee shop that sells the exact same shit you do because at least the starbucks might draw a different crowd yeah i don't know it's it's very strange and like i other than just being like like you need to actually have this conversation be like hey this is something that's important to me and it seems like you are taking it away from me and it's it's sort of you know all i got going for me 100 like don't briefly mention like oh you're making those earrings too and leave it at that yeah like what's like a stand your ground kind of time yeah like this is obviously a pretty big deal um as well as being a baffling one however imitation is the highest form of flattery

so literally copying your entire online business, that's very flattering apparently. I mean, sure. But flattery doesn't pay the bills. It's true. Unless that's your name. Unless your landlord is very into compliments. True, yeah. You just gotta talk to this fucker.

One, get a reason for what he's saying. Two, outline the fact that you need this fucking money and just like figure out where he's coming from. Because it's possible he's just like, damn, this girl's really smart. This is a way to make money and doesn't actually understand that like he might be affecting your business. Or he doesn't care and he's an asshole, which I think both of those things are important information you need to know. Yeah, it sounds like this guy has never had to actually really work on anything. and like you've done all the legwork setting up a shop and drumming up business and now he's like like investment property doesn't mean anything it just means that you've had a shit ton of money and we're able to throw it at something and now it just

makes money or i'm assuming well that's like it seems that you know he had a privileged upbringing so i assume his parents were just like here's a million dollars like go do things with it and then we bought you this house just rent it out like they're probably even the ones that upkeep the place so like this guy actually may not understand anything to do with hardship or money he's probably like wow making money is fucking easy i just sit here and like i get it and then he sees what you're doing he's's like, damn, if I copy exactly what she's doing, I just make more money. This whole life thing is so

easy. Why are all those poor people complaining all the time? He was like, so this is where my bootstraps are. Man, I've got so many bootstraps. I can just pull them up. These are self-pulling bootstraps. Thank you very much for listening that's it we're done yeah

josh eagle in the harvard cities one thank them for their song paper stars because it's great and it's the one at the start and end of our show two he just released a new single on the 9th of may so go check that out because it's a bad i'm actually yeah i haven't uh i haven't heard it you mentioned it earlier and i i still haven't listened to it, so I'm going to go do that. That's good. If you want to reach out to us and ask us a question, you can do that a variety of ways. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com fckbuddiespodcast. You can

find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us on the internet at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca and finally you can email us at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca. And finally, you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Hell yeah. Okay, you ready for some sexual writing? Yes, I am.

All right. So this is more, this is, it's not necessarily bad sex writing. I will say I did find a online database of free erotic poetry that made me cry uh that's for next week okay this week we're gonna go kind of on on track from last week where we read the blurb of a book and it's the same author carlton mellick who i believe is either a genius or a madman maybe both and i'm not even gonna tell you the title of this book because it's so good. Ethan is in love with the weird girl in school. The one with the eyes and spiders in her hair.

The one who can't sit still for even a minute and speaks in an odd squeaky voice. The one they call Spiderweb. Although she scares all the other girls in school, Ethan thinks she's the cutest, sweetest, most perfect girl in the world. But there's a problem. Whenever they go on a date at Dairy Queen, her whole fucking face explodes. He's not sure why it happened. He's not sure why it happens.

She just gets so excited, the pressure builds up under her skin. Then her face bursts, spraying meat and gore across the room, her eyeballs and lips landing in his strawberry sundae. At first, Ethan believes he can deal with his girlfriend's face-exploding condition, but the more he gets to know her, the weirder her condition turns out to be. And as the relationship gets serious, Ethan realizes the only way to make it work is to become just as strange as she is from the award-winning author of sweet story and the haunted vagina comes a twisted love story that is as creepy as it is hard heartwarming and the book is called every time we meet a dairy queen your whole fucking face explodes

what awards are you winning? Oh, man. It's like, you know how Douglas Copeland always names his books after, like, songs and stuff? Mm-hmm. I feel like this guy does the same thing, but, like, takes the lyrics of Smith's songs too far I feel like we should do the opposite where we should write songs based on the names of his things oh man I just

I how does he get put back together well the picture is of a girl's face stitched back together and a bomb fuse coming out the top of her head hell yeah um so i assume she is like some kind of zombie-ish thing because she also does have spiders and creeps out the other people but whenever they go on a date at the dairy queen

her whole fucking face explodes i wonder if they go somewhere else does it solve the problem maybe see this is the thing man carl mellick could have come to us and we would have advised the shit out of this. This could be a question and we just solved it. Good job. Oh man, that hurt my chest. Um,

I'm going to finish this boy off with a little glimpse into what's happening in the, the sex world of pornhub.com. Um, this comes from pornhub user busted nuts, 69, 69, 69, 69 69 when i was in primary school we had to write in pencil and the only way we could write in pen was to get a pen license from the teacher it was the most elite thing you could obtain i always tried hard to make my

handwriting look good as i could make it but in the end i was brought short by my dysgraphia it seemed everyone was able to attain it except for me. It was also the cool of raceable pens that we would get. So you can imagine the kind of loss that I faced. Is that it? That's it. Oh man, I want to know more about this pen. Does he have one now?

I don't know. Oh man, that was... That was, uh... I felt things. It was like a Disney movie. Now try jerking off while you're reading that. I already am. There are a whole bunch of my plans.

My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Lyle Spain. Stay safe. And we have been your fuck buddies. Be careful next time you go to Dairy Queen, I guess. you