F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 89 - The Impossible Toilet

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

We're back to our regularly scheduled programming in the hopes that we can be a little bit of light in an otherwise bleak time.  We hang out in the bathroom for probably too long in this episode, but that's okay because sometimes you gotta get dirty to answer the people's questions.  Topics include absorbent seduction techniques, mystery residue and mystery fetish, a big small toilet problem, how to calm the My Girl in your girl, and fighting indoctrination.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And my name is Niall Spang And we are your fuck buddies. Yes, we are.

Um, hello. How are you? Me or the audience? You. I'm alright. I'm very warm. Yeah, it's a scorcher in Toronto today. It's almost 40 degrees outside. Yeah, it's fucking hot. And I am in a nice toasty closet. Well, lucky for some. I don't think it's me i mean if

you're talking about everyone who's not in this closet right now yes they are the lucky some do you do we have anything to intro to before are we just gonna just go for it i don't know man it's like there's so much shit going on that like i feel like if we get into it we'll just not get out i don't know it's like we all know it's a really crazy time right now so like i guess it feels weird to not address it like i don't want to be like we're ignoring it which obviously we're not considering we did a whole episode last week but black lives matter and uh it's a really crazy time right now and like again our thoughts and support go out to everybody who's protesting and who's making a difference and it's pretty badass what everybody's doing so yep we are we are still with you we're still

supporting you um and uh we will be for until we we solve this thing until we die yeah like i'm not gonna stop the support um but yeah so we you know we're releasing a normal episode uh this week and hopefully you know just because i know i've heard of people online who like you know they they need entertainment they turn back to entertainment or to whatever when to take their mind off these things or like in the downtime when they're rebuilding their energy to go out and protest so um i don't think stopping you know is necessarily gonna help i don't know i, you know, is necessarily going to help. I don't know. I just.

Yeah. Everyone needs to need to unwind. And we know that there are people who look forward to this. So I don't think we do anyone a favor for for not for not doing things. Also, we're we started this podcast for a reason as well. And it's it's our way of protesting things like rape culture and toxic masculinity so um we we haven't lost sight of that nor have we lost sight of of what's happening currently um it's all just you know we're all working towards things um so without

further ado shall we get into this do you want to start us off sure one two three four five six Sure. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... Okay, I got nine questions. I'm gonna roll a good old d8 for you. Okay. Actually, I got ten questions. Well, I guess a d10 would do it. Is it bad that I thought it was like, do we even have a d10? Okay, so these are gonna have no rhyme and reason to them, because I'm just gonna roll a dice today to figure out which questions we've got the very first one that we're going to go to is uh throw away avocado sand um from seduction is seeing a woman in a towel generally

a turn on i have two male roommates one of which i find attractive who i share a bathroom with just wonder if he might notice me ever because i wear a towel after i shower and go to my room this is on seduction yeah the fuck is seeing a woman in a towel usually a turn on day you know i'm gonna say i'm gonna maybe this is a hot take but i don't think it is oh okay continue because towels completely remove any sort of like shape you're pretty much just draping a you know like a box over you there's no sort of revealing of anything more than a dress would normally do i think i i mean like i guess you could have the the idea of like being like oh she's she's naked under there. But that's true about literally anything that you wear. But you're slightly more naked.

Yeah, I guess. I don't think there's anything exceptionally sexy about someone in a towel. That's my opinion. Okay. I kind of get it because as you say, there's like the, oh, they're naked under there. There's also the risk, right? There's that any wrong movement that could come cascading to the floor. But like, I don't think it's much more sexy than pretty much anything else.

I feel like if they're not attracted to you, being in a towel isn't going to be the thing that pushes them over the edge. If they are attracted to you, being in a towel isn't going to be the thing that makes them oh you know what no yeah never mind i feel like it's kind of uh it's like a zero-sum game where like it's gonna be slightly more of what already exists if they find you repulsive in your towel they're gonna be like well if they find you retractive i'm like right yeah i don't think anyone who yeah if someone is is disgusted by you that's not going to change by seeing more of you. Also, how long is this towel? Like, is it a very skimpy towel? Is it a long towel?

Is it like a towel you got when you were seven years old and has like, you know, the seven dwarves on it? And it's also kind of ratted and fadey because not so hot or more hot if there are like, you know, holes developing in it because you've had it for so long. Yeah, I mean, I can think of a list of things I would rather catch my roommate wearing, like my sexy roommate wearing than a towel. Yeah, I mean, like literally, like literally anything, yoga pants, like her workout gear, like I'd rather see her sweaty from the gym in her like,

you know, yoga pants and sports bra. I think that is more, you know, sexy than catching them in a towel. Fair. Also, I was I was about to feel real, real skeevy about saying that. And then I realized this is the the woman asking men. Yeah, yeah. If men find. So it's like, all right.

But yeah, no, like I don't think I like I said, on a list of things I would like to catch an attractive woman roommate situation wearing, the towel is my least. Probably towards the bottom. Yeah, I kind of get it. I would rather see them in comfy pajamas. That's fair. I'm not talking about anything sexy. I'm talking about like big baggy pants and like a big you know baggy t-shirt or sweater i think that would be more attractive to me than seeing them in

a towel okay um there are there are some really interesting comments i think that's the main reason i brought this uh to the table but like in general firstly firstly, let's get off the page. I really don't think you're going to sway someone wildly by all of a sudden wearing something different or doing something different. If you're not attracting someone and all of a sudden they put a dress on, they're not going to be like,

wait a minute, unless usually you just completely hide yourself from their view. You know what I mean? Unless you're revealing them a brand new surprise, I don't think it's going to radically change anything. It might do a little tip over the edge, but in general,

I don't think it's going to really... See, I would argue that that has more of a likely scenario. If someone I only ever work with... For example, Amanda. When we worked together, the uniforms weren't exactly uh complementary to a lot of people's bodies yes the first time i saw amanda out of her work uniform

i was like oh dang yeah but i'm i think i get what you're saying and you are right however there are two things one it's not like you weren't attracted to her so as i said it's not going to just wildly change it and two living with someone versus a uniform are kind of different things because i'm assuming and as i said unless you're like constantly like hiding yourself away or like like you're you're gonna wear different clothes so it's not like they're only gonna have seen you in one pic right yeah i got you um i feel like it's not gonna make a wild difference anyway. But on to the comments. Are you ready for something by Deleted?

Sure. Depends on the person, I guess. People are attracted to a whole variety of things. My roommate purposely rips my towel off so I feel exposed. Then she sucks me. Next time try doing that to your roommate. The fuck? Yeah, I like that his thing, she's like, am I gonna be attractive to sexually assault your roommate yeah also it's just like my roommate

who rips like i don't like so i feel exposed that she sucks me it's so like bizarre and aggressive there's a lot of comments i won't read out because I can't. Here's one. If you already like them, definitely. If you don't, it's not likely, but possible they might be turned on by it. It won't make them have real feelings for you, but maybe they don't normally find you attractive, but notice something about you they didn't see when you were fully dressed. But again, it won't make someone have real feelings for you.

Just a boner if you're lucky. Also, if he shares a bathroom with you and you aren't already in a relationship he may very well be grossed out by you seeing period blood on the seat and unflushed poop ruin any attraction i have with my old roommates the hell's wrong with these people's roommates all these comments like start a certain way and then all of a sudden it's just like it just veers you're like oh god what someone says not if it's your granny sure yeah okay um and then i think this person who's your polar opposite for me hell yes it would drive me wild when an actress has shower slash towel scene in the movie

the fantasy of a woman's towel dropping made me create an entire subreddit for it years ago and there's an entire subreddit dedicated to people in towels. I mean, yeah, it's, you know, rule whatever it is, camera what it's called, but it's like everyone is into something. You know what I mean? If you think of it, if you fathom it,

there are people out there, there's a community out there that is aroused by it. So I'm not going to say that people aren't going to be turned on by people in towels. I feel like there are better ways. I don't know what the advice is for this one. I guess the advice is that there are better ways to come on

to your roommate than just wearing a towel. Because one, it's a very normal thing. You know what I mean? It's like, how else are you going to get from the shower to your room unless you get dressed in your shower? It's not a sexy play in your shower it's like it's not a sexy play so the thing is there's more wrong with if they were like this is a come on then if there weren't because can you imagine every single listener who has a roommate who wore a towel from

the bathroom was like oh shit i think she's into me maybe we should rip it off and suck her yeah i think like i mean if you're you know stopping by his room and leaning in his doorway and then you know oops i dropped my hairbrush and picking it up and if like if that's your move then okay maybe sure but uh but like yeah no just you going about your normal day-to-day business that literally everyone does is not a surefire way to to garner attraction it's not even a fire way it's neither sure nor fire so yeah don't do that find a smarter way be straight up you know what we're gonna keep it in the bathroom oh that comes from reddit user z grams we've had something very similar to this but i think this is this is a new dynamic um

so i've known my boyfriend for about two years, and he's always been super clean person. He brushes his teeth for like 10 minutes every time and showers daily. However, recently, he has been making a lot of jokes about pooping in the shower. At first, I thought he was joking, but the bit has been going on for like a full week. I'm starting to notice a weird residue on the shower walls after he's done in there. Or maybe I'm crazy. I don't know if it's sexual. Do you think his joke is just a way to gauge my reaction in order to decide if he wants to be honest with me about his strange possible fetish?

How do I even approach him about this? Ooh, this is a spicy one. Right? It's a little twist on the classic boyfriend pooping in the shower i do feel a lot of times people joke to broach subjects you know in a tepid sense right like they're testing the waters they're dipping a little poopy toe in there um what's this residue because like yeah that's that's what's like because like shit is shit right yeah it doesn't there's not really much in between shit and being cleaned that would lead me to be confused

also i wouldn't call shit smears residue you know what i mean like residue to me makes me think of like a chalky substance you know like a hundred percent i thought of powder yeah like that's that's a residue if if he's like shotgunning shit against the walls also do you guys not shower together i mean like oh i imagine maybe once or twice but like you know i don't i don't think it's weird to have to shower alone more than together i guess i don't know i mean for me shower time is like my personal meditation time really i have no problem showering with with amanda but i will often be like okay i'm we're done if you're all clean you're happy to get out i'm gonna take some alone time to like yeah i don't know i just my my shower time is like the akin to like most people's like

morning coffee you know what i mean or like people who like like to sit and read the paper do something every morning shower time is my my like self-reflection time weird okay uh i'm the opposite if like if we're showers together i'll be like i'm done i'm gonna go play apex while you finish up yeah no i i i need alone time in the shower and then i know that probably people will be like you want to jerk off but it's like that's okay no you're pooping oh you're pooping first it was the kitty litter now it's the shower um okay so how does this woman broach the subject with her boyfriend who she thinks might have a poop fetish?

Okay. Firstly, I'm still hung up on the residue. Like, I don't understand how you can't tell it's poop or it's not. How is there a point between it being cleaned and it being not clean that make you unsure whether it's poop or not? But anyway, moving on. That's how you do it. You go, hey, what's this residue on the wall here? And see what he says. and if he has a reasonable

explanation cool and if not like maybe if he's like like what is there something like did you do something in here and like you know or just have a talk about like sexual fantasies and see if he brings it up of his own accord or like next time he jokes maybe be like well people definitely you know have those somewhere and just kind of take a little bit more seriously and get in an actual chat about it right yeah just be like oh yeah i know people actually like do that or whatever or like i've heard like a friend of mine had someone who was into that and just see what they say or just be like hey you've been joking about this an awful lot is there a reason behind it but i think definitely first

talk about this residue yeah you need to solve the mystery residue first because maybe the poop is a you know a smoke screen for something more sinister maybe some sort of like you know eldrick horror that is you know he needs to be in the shower and and the way he's pulling maybe poop stands for like pulling omniscience overlords purposely. So he pulls these omniscient overlords into the shower for a dastardly purpose because he's doing it on purpose. And they leave behind like sulfur. Maybe it's sulfur. Maybe it's sulfur. Have you sniffed the residue?

Is it poop? Surely you know if it's poop. Does your boyfriend have tentacles does he have tentacles yes also like this is did they she says it's been a week oh yeah but the it's been going on for like a full week yes so a week is a wild a wildly short time to go from that's a joke to i think he shits in the shower for sexual gratification well it also depends on how much he's doing imagine if literally every interaction you had with your partner she made a reference to like pooping in the shower like

it would it would like it would put something on the radar being like why are you it would be like you know if if every time you had the conversation you were just like uh you know if you're making dinner and be like hey you know it'd be fun if just like, if you're making dinner, you'd be like, hey, you know what would be fun? If we had a third person here cooking dinner with us. You know what I mean? And constantly angling for a threesome. It's like, instead of just bringing it up. To be fair, I do constantly say it would be more fun if Kyle was there

because he's very good at cooking. Yeah, I can't blame you on that. But yeah, I just feel like it's a very rapid time. But you're right. If it is all the time. Okay. You got to go talk about the residue, find an answer, whether it's the truth or a lie. You still need a solid answer before you move on to step two, step two, being engaged the joke or just straight up ask.

But I feel like if you engage the joke and get into a more kind of like serious conversation, maybe they'll feel comfortable about talking, or maybe they'll drop more clues. Cause if if this is a breadcrumb trail get them to drop down some croutons now well thicker breadcrumbs got more bite to them here's here's my suggestion invite him into the shower for sexy times and once you guys are in the shower together take a shit be like no be like well you're gonna poop right you're always talking about pooping in the shower poop for me and if he seems super into it question you know problem solved if he's like oh no super into pranks and he thinks she's joking and he just gets a boner because he knows he's fucking with her by pooping and then you think he's into poop but he's just into pranks but if he doesn't poop then we can you

know i mean because if he's into poop he would poop right yeah but if he was't poop, then we can, you know what I mean? Because if he's into poop, he would poop, right? Yeah, but if he was dared to poop and called on his bluff, and he's one of those people that's like, now I got to do it, he'd just poop anyway. And then you think he has a poop sex fetish. Well, there you go. Problem solved. Yeah, I feel like you really got to just like talk to them or just kind of engage with the joke and see if they do get actually serious about it.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with saying, like, hey, you've been making this joke for, you know, seven days multiple times during the day. Is there something you want to tell me? Like, I'm cool. Like, if you want to talk to me about this shower poop thing, let's talk about it. Like, whatever. But otherwise, the joke isn't funny anymore. Get some new material. Yeah, I agree.

Good luck. Please let us know. Yeah. Also, if you figure out what this residue is, please, we gotta know. I'm confused. Well, we're keeping it in the toilet. This is by the Creep Master. My 21-year-old male girlfriend's 25-year-old female toilet is too small,

and I have no idea what to do. So I understand many of the posts here are creative writing projects, but I've got nowhere else to go for this problem. As I stated in my title, my girlfriend's house's toilet is nonsensically low to the ground. Okay, hold on. Can I interrupt here? What subreddit did he post this in?

Relationship advice. Why? Didn't you say something about creative writing i think he's saying a lot of the posts he doesn't believe uh okay okay this is from relationship advice and he was just i guess casting shade on other unrealistic questions gotcha um it's her toilet is nonsensical low to the ground while also being ridiculously small i get this doesn't seem like a problem at the outset but let me explain i can't take a leak into it standing up to do so i'd have to angle it either straight down or stand so far away i'd be on the other wall in what is already a small bathroom never gonna do that it's a recipe for pissing on the toilet wall rug and possibly the cat too so solution obviously you might think i sit down

on the convenient seat and let nature call right right? No, because when I do that, my goddamn dick goes under the fucking toilet water. I got to squat over the toilet, reach down and pull the whole situation up just so I can go. This isn't me saying big dick problems. All right. I have a normal size dick, a little on the small side, even not afraid to admit it. The toilet is just that small. And I swear the water is higher percentage wise than it is than on normal toilets i don't know what to do don't know if i should say something or if i should keep quiet or if i should hold in my piss all day like i'm in high school guys gotta help me here this toilet is fucking with me okay although why would you hold your piss in high school i know so many people are questioning like hey wait what i remember there was one day in my like i think it was junior high where um the the grade sixes

and sevens were on the the main floor and then most of the grade eight classes were on the upstairs and i remember there was a day i was in grade six and they were cleaning the the downstairs washrooms for whatever reason and i was like oh i can't go upstairs to the grade eight bathroom because i was for whatever reason fucking scared of it so i i held i held until i got home um but like other than that like at no point in time was i ever like can't piss man gotta hold it what if this person just has like i don't know toilet complex and like this is a real toilet a normal size toilet and in his head he's just like it's the return of his like high school like p fixation well a lot of the things he said doesn't make any sense like what does he mean by the toilet is so small that he either has to stand on top of it or cross the room from it i don't understand like the physics no that makes sense

yeah also like what's wrong with just standing above it and just pissing down yeah i just hangs there it's like it doesn't make any sense yeah because like technically i could do that with a normal size toilet like i can stand over a normal sized toilet and pee straight down. What about the shape or size of this toilet means that you can't take one step back and pee in it normally? Honestly, I don't know.

I'm so confused. Why is the water so high in this toilet? I get it. There was a toilet when we were in Europe and I can't remember i mean one amsterdam has weird toilets where like they have a poop shelf um but there was another i can't remember where it was but there were a bunch of the toilets where it's like if you sat down the water was so high that you were you know you were in danger put a little beak in there

so like i know there are toilets out there that exist so but like that's that's a poop problem i don't understand how the size of the toilet or the water content in the toilet affects how you pee yeah i i honestly do not know and the thing is you could just pee in the shower we've we've had so many questions about that you could if you were in that much trouble you could pee in the shower probably not a great thing to do all the time uh and that's where the pooping problem comes in i i don't understand like i wish i had a picture of this toilet because it is impossible for me to picture i yeah i can't wrap my head around because the thing is all these problems make sense to me if he was talking about pooping.

But he doesn't mention pooping once. Not even at all. He specifically only talks about peeing, which to me is the easiest of the two functions when it comes to toilet-related problems. If someone just put a cup on the ground, it would be a lot further down and a lot smaller, and I could still probably manage it. Yeah, that's the thing. There's probably nothing in the world that I couldn't pee it or use as a pee receptacle.

There could be various degrees of success. Errant drops maybe, but a quick wipe, that's all done, right? I don't get it. I don't know, man. I was hoping you'd have the answer. Here's the thing.

I, if we're just going to go with what he says and not question, you know, the very laws that bind us to this moral world, just talk to your girlfriend and be like, Hey, I like if prefer to be at your place, just be like,

Hey, I would love to stay over tonight, but your toilet is too small for me. And it's, it's, it's difficult for me to use to use and it's like if she doesn't understand what you're meaning maybe she can show you how human beings use toilets or she could be like okay that's sorry for the inconvenience that's fair um because i once i'm not a big guy i'm five seven on a good day um and i once was seeing a woman whose bathroom, like the toilet face directly into a wall in an alcove.

And I literally could not sit down in it because the wall was so close to the toilet that like my knees. So like, I pretty much either had to like squat or like go sideways. Like, yeah. Like, so like,

I get it. I understand the difficulties of, of poorly placed toilets. Yeah. I feel like you got to talk to her. What if it's not a toilet? It's like a bidet. Yeah.

Maybe it's like a malfunctioning bidet or it's just like a bucket or something. Like what has like, is it possible that this is the toilet? That he's not even in the bathroom? He's like in the laundry room and he's just like peeing in the washing machine? I don't even know. Also, okay, so some of the, I think there might be a way to lower the level of water in your toilet.

So you might want to have a look online for that. And or contact a plumber. Because that would at least help a little bit maybe. Yeah. Other than that you really got to just talk to this person. And ask why they have a child's toilet. Or like a goblin's toilet. Imagine. Does she have a kid?

Is she potty training? Are you using a child's potty? Is it an already used potty? Which is why it's full? I don't know man. I don't see yeah it's not the best so you just gotta talk to her man and yeah like why would you not talk to her i love he's like should i talk to her should i keep quiet should i hold in my piss all day these are not good options just talk to a totally normal high school student. Oh man. What if it's like an ongoing prank? Like these kids told them they couldn't pee in high school.

And now the same kids are in cahoots with his girlfriend. And they're just like, they've made this ridiculous, they've constructed this horrendous toilet. Is it like an ongoing prank? I, yeah, I don't know.

I, anytime I read things like that, I'm always like, is that a thing? Am I the weird person for peeing in high school? Or is this person weird for saying it? Like, the amount of times it's happened where someone, like, will make a statement just, like, off the cuff like that, where I'm like, are you a weirdo or am I a weirdo? I don't know. know well I'm pretty sure not making kids pee kids are like the ones who are allowed to pee whenever they want

this is no this is not true okay hit me this comes from laser paradactyl right my 23 year old male girlfriend 22 year old female 22 year old female tries to convince me to become blood brothers with her every time she gets drunk.

Every time my girlfriend gets drunk, she tries to get me to become blood brothers with her, e.g. prick our fingers and share our blood like they told us not to do in health class. I don't want to do this, just in principle, but she doesn't get why this isn't something I want to do. She'll argue that we share bodily fluids all the time, and what if we just do it next time you kite yourself by accident? I'll just prick myself and it'll be fine. But I really don't want to do that. It's dumb, and I don't want to touch wounds.

I'm not sure how to convince her that I'm not on board with this, and she brings it up pretty consistently. Is she an 11-year year old boy? like a bike gang? like you know bicycle gang? her favorite movie is My Girl

just like without a doubt ask her what her favorite movie is and she's gonna say My Girl and for whatever reason this is like you know her idea of on a subconscious level because if it's only when she gets drunk, you know, that's when the shovel gets out and starts, you know, pulling up the buried stuff. I bet you she thinks it is like the be all and end all of romantic notions. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, that's the only thing I can think of, because I'm pretty sure it's my girl where they do that. I'm pretty sure they become blood. I don't know. But it sounds right. Which leads me to be worried. Are you allergic to bees? Maybe it goes a little more sinister than just wanting to reenact a cute scene from a movie.

Maybe she's going to try to just make this whole thing. Wait, is she the My Girl murderer? Have we found the My Girl killer? So if you're allergic to bees you need to get the hell out of there because she is going to be murder you she tracks down people who are allergic to bees becomes blood brothers with them and then ends their life via yeah is she the daughter of dan akroyd that's pretty important to find out yeah that's how do we deal with this uh i think you gotta talk to her when she's sober uh-huh or okay no you fuck it I think you got to talk to her when she's sober.

Uh-huh. Or, okay, no. Fuck it. You don't talk to her. That's a fool's gambit. What you do is you watch My Girl together without asking her if she likes the movie, without anything. Just be like, oh, there's this movie I want to watch.

Throw on My Girl, and then fucking just bomb on this movie the entire time. Be like, this is so dumb. This is so fucking dumb. The entire time, and when she bursts into tears and runs out of the house, she'll either break up with you or never suggest it again. Yeah, that's a move. Also, make sure you

just vomit as soon as they do the Blood Brothers thing. That scene, just eat some day-old sushi or something and just make sure you're real ill. When the bees come on screen, just scream. Just keep screaming until the movie's over okay so for real though talk to her while she's sober trying to get a drunk girl to to change her mind on anything is a fool's errand or drunk person right like if someone has something in their head when they're hammered, it's not the time for logical discussions.

So when she is sober, just be like, hey, do you remember the fact that you always keep trying to blood brother me every time you're drunk? And if she's like, oh, yeah, no, I'm totally cool with that, then cool. You can have a conversation and explain that, it, it makes you feel physically ill or it grosses you out just like melding blood. And like, yes, you guys do share bodily fluids, but you know, that doesn't mean all bodily fluids are game. You know what I mean? It's not like, well, we've shared saliva. Let me shit in your mouth. Um, so, you know, maybe just like, it's, it's pretty reasonable to be not cool with mixing blood you know what i mean that doesn't make you a strange person um and you can be like look it's not about you but like

i i just find it you know kind of grotty yeah it's it's one of those things where it's like like you said just because you swap bodily fluids doesn't mean that you necessarily want to pee on each other like there are there's a distinction between bodily fluids doesn't mean that you necessarily want to pee on each other. Like there are, there's a distinction between bodily fluids and there's a distinction about like the appropriate nature in which they're swapped. And I don't think that you should feel obligated to necessarily mix your blood together with someone, because as someone who's had that proposed to me in,

you know, a way, I don't want to take a part in that either. Like it, there's no part of me that is like this is a good time i really don't think you like yeah you're right like even if you like being peed on or being shat on or anything it still doesn't mean every other thing is there's no point where you're like oh shit i've reached the limit now everything's fair game you could like everything and not like that you could love mixing blood and hate saliva like it's up to you and you should really like be honored on this thing um and i guess what

does it they don't link together it's like you might have a pee fetish but it doesn't necessarily mean that like your partner wants you to pee on them exactly exactly um so there's a lot of all of which mean you're totally allowed to say no to this uh so yeah i would just really try and have a conversation when she's sober and i guess it just depends like where where she goes from there like if she starts to tell you that that's not okay then you guys have a problem you know and if it is just like a drunk thing maybe fixing it when she's sober will stop it from rearing its ugly head when you guys are drunk next. Yeah. Also,

it's definitely a sober conversation that needs to be had. You're definitely right. She's totally a my girl fan. All right. This is a listener submitted question. User submitted question. Even it's by agent Arwen. Only one lube can be best.

Which is it challenging? Okay. Yeah. Which lube? Um, i've talked about it before i'm i'm uh i'm putting my my uh what's the word i put my hat on fuck water okay any particular reason um it's water-based it is an independently owned company. It is a Canadian product. I think it's an Ontario and Toronto product. Um, and it, uh, it's what better name do you want from a lube than fuck water?

Yeah. Fuck water is golden. Um, and it follows the, like the age old tradition of people with the word fuck as the first thing in their names, um, works for podcasts,

works for lube um also water-based uh there's a lot of pros to that because they are safe to use with condoms they don't stain sheets typically and they're often cost effective cost effective and easy to find um i have a whole list of pros and cons on lubes i was going to throw out but i like that you an instant answer and an instant brand. We are not sponsored by them. Yet. Yet. In fuck water.

So yeah, those are some pros to water-based. They often come in two varieties. One with glycerin, which tastes slightly sweeter, or one without glycerin. Glycerin-free products are less likely to cause vaginal irritation and last longer and that's good to know yeah and glycerin free lubricant can taste bitter though so it is bad if you'd like to switch up between oral and penetrative sex and they can become kind of

like sticky or tacky over time uh there's also silicone based lubricants uh which lasts the longest and don't need to be reapplied as often as water-based. Also safe to use with latex condoms and will hold up in the shower, which you should never need to do because shower sex is the worst. Um, what's bad about it is it's harder to wash off. So like if you do get it all over your junk, you're going to really need to like give a, get a big soapy scrub to get rid of it. And they are not recommended for silicone sex toys because it breaks them down, makes them gummy and gross. All right. Then we have oil-based lubricants.

And I'm sure you know one of the bad things about oil-based. Yeah, you need to open the windows and make sure you get good ventilation. What? It's like oil paints. Sure. They break down condoms. So yeah, oil-based lubricants are one that I guess you have to be careful depending on what kind of like safe sex you're practicing because they can break down latex condoms and stain fabrics also.

Also because it's synthetic, it can irritate your vagina and they're harder to clear out of your body than your natural counterparts leading to vaginal infections more often. But they are safe to eat. Oh, sorry. There are two brands or two kind of ways you can get them. You get them natural based like avocado, coconut, vegetable, or olive oil kind of like bases, which are great for like massages, safe to eat and good for the vagina. But synthetic ones are good for external masturbation, not much else.

So those are the ones that you want to avoid with your vagina. And then lastly, there are natural oil-based lubricants. Oh, sorry. There are natural lubricants that are often free of parabens, which is really good because those can contain health risks. And with organic ingredients, they're very for the environment and your vagina, but they are often more expensive. So I don't know if there's necessarily one that's better i think it all depends on like your wallet like what you have in your pocket uh what you want to use it for and who you want to use it with have you ever used coconut oil uh no i once hooked up with a woman who is very like she was like the definition of like a new age hippie um and she was all about like natural products and stuff and uh it was surprisingly uh effective

i wasn't sure how to feel about it because it's like it was thick and i was like i don't know if i'm gonna feel anything with this yeah um and it was it was unique it was it was a different experience i don't think i'd ever use it again um if i had the choice but uh i i do want to encourage people to give it a try because it's uh it's an experience it's it's definitely the everything else i think all the other lubes that I've tried are more or less, you know, the same. Yeah. But coconut oil was a significantly different sensation. Yeah.

Interesting. So, yeah, that's the thing. It's like there is no best, really. You know what I mean? Like, it does all depend on kind of what you're dealing with, what you're working with, what you want to achieve. And there are a bunch of kind of other things to consider. For example, like if you're using a lubricant because of like dryness, anything with glycerin in it can dry you out even further,

which is bad. If you're prone to yeast infections, the same can be happen with glycerin too. If you're trying to conceive, you wouldn't want to look at something that is sperm friendly or fertility friendly. Do not use oil based on condoms.

Do not use silicone based on sex toys. And yeah, there's a lot of stuff to consider. So I guess we're just going to provide that information and let you guys figure out which is the best. But also, fuck whatever. Also, fuck whatever.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can get it from any sex store in Toronto. I don't know how widely available it is, but I highly, highly recommend it. Yeah, and we'll post a link to basically what I just said there next week or when this comes out so that you don't just have to listen to my dulcet tones. But who wouldn't want to? Thank you, Agent Arwen. what I just said there next week or when this comes out so that you don't just have to listen to my dulcet tones, but who wouldn't want to thank you, agent Arwen. All right. So this is by Hyman Baz.

Uh, my future mother-in-law wants to check my Hyman before I marry her son a week from now. Whoa. I 27 year old female. I'm from an extremely conservative Christian family. And celibacy is literally a prerequisite for marriage in our community. My fiance, who I've been dating for three years, proposed to me right before COVID, and I start planning my dream wedding. I've been planning since it happened in November, and at dinner last night with my future in-laws, my

mother-in-law, who has not been against the idea of me marrying her son, asked him to go out to the dining room and ask me if I was a virgin. I said yes, and she said you should have no problem with Isaiah, our pastor of all people, checking you next week. My jaw drops to the floor, and I state that she had a better chance of me turning up dead before I let a stranger poke around in my nether area. I immediately walked out of there, got in my car, and drove home contemplating what just happened. An hour after this, I get a call from my mom who called to say that her fiance's mama called her and that the wedding is off unless she did the ritual, is what she called it. I started crying and my mom told me I should just do it and this crushed me. I spoke to my fiancé today and he insists on me doing it as according to him,

it's a small thing compared to the rest of our lives together. I'm currently at my brother's chateau. My brother was disowned by my parents after he announced he was gay as he was setting up his company, which also tends to the LGBTQ community. I don't know what to do. Should I do it or should I not? And whether there are more sides to my fiance's parents, which may make me even more disgusted by them. I have half a mind to do the ritual, which I deem assault.

My brother has committed to support me no matter what I choose. I'm currently receiving calls from my parents about all the money they would lose if the wedding does not happen. I mean, I think there's a lot of problems in this. I mean, one, we've talked about before virginity is a social construct it's fucked that you are essentially in a community that operates based on like 15th century like yeah vaginal dowries like what the hell send them a fucking calendar yeah hey guys 2020 like i know we brought like i know we're dealing with a lot of terrible bullshit from the past but let's not add this to it yeah like that and i don't know if like that is gonna reach this question asker

because they seem to be in a willing willing participant that's not me being serious. That's me being snarky. No, no. But what I'm saying is like, this is fucked. And unfortunately, I think religious indoctrination is going to prevent her from seeing the full scope,

which is like, this should never happen. This should never be a thing. Your worth as a human being and a woman should not be dictated whether or not your hymen is still intact. Yeah, which also, like, it probably isn't if you're an active woman.

You know, like, literally most women, by the time they reach a certain age, it is gone just by very dint of them, like, you know, being physically active. Yeah, riding bikes, riding horses, all that shit. It's a bunch of different shit. You know what i mean like it's uh it's a complete fucking like fabrication that it would have any indication on whether you've been sexually active or not which also shouldn't fucking matter yeah and like with that put that off to the side there's now like your parents are pressuring you to do something that you're not comfortable with because they're gonna get money yeah that's bullshit like what money are they getting from you

getting married like that's not how marriage like again in the 15th century when dowries existed and you you know you made land you up you traded land for human beings and you know livestock and shit sure but like i assume in this century what money are they losing i assume it's more like they probably put they probably paid for like the venue and shit right? if the wedding doesn't happen hey who knows if they're this backwards who knows if they're getting a dowry

or some shit but I assume it's like the money they put in towards yeah no you're probably right booking shit and I think it really sucks that your fiance is so I don't know what the term is but like that he complete oblivious like to be so oblivious to be like oh it's a small thing it's like yeah you don't have to do shit so fuck you man that's the thing it's like you now have to like come to

the conclusion that your partner the person you want to spend the rest of your life. Does not have your back. Because what other. Requests are your parents. Or his parents. Going to have from you. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that. He's not going to stand up for you. Yeah. It's just a small thing.

Compared to the rest of your lives together. Yeah. Exactly. It's like are you then going like have to have kids when they want you to like it doesn't seem like you are a participant in this relationship no you're a it seems yeah it seems like you're a commodity and you've been you've been traded for and you've now you know signed the contract and this is now like you know popping the hood to make sure the motor still runs kind of situation.

Like, and it's fucked. That's not how human beings should be treated. No. And like, you are not happy with it and you shouldn't have to compromise your happiness and your like body just to make other people happy. Especially when one of those people is meant to one of,

yeah, one of them is meant to be like your life partner is meant to literally have your back before anybody else more than anybody else and your family are meant to be like pretty much up there if not equal then second place and his family should be just behind them you know what i mean like it should be the three people that have your back the most instead it's three people that you know clearly don't give a shit yeah i mean you also have to look at what's happened to your brother as well it's like people are like your family is supposed to care for each other and take care of each other he was disowned because of something trivial as being gay um so it's like do you really want to be a part of a family and a society and a culture that is so quick to throw away people they don't agree with?

Or, you know what I mean? Like, you seem to know that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Why do you want to be a part of a culture and a society that still thinks that? It doesn't make any sense to me. To me, all these things should build up to you being like i don't want any part of this and i understand that's a difficult like you know it's easy for me to sit back and say that um because you know i'm not the one at risk losing you know everything yeah but it's something to consider you really need to stop and think and

be like hey is it worth giving up my my privacy is it worth giving up my dignity is it worth giving up my family to bend to the will and you know of of this weird religious hierarchy when does it become a thing that now that you're his wife like will it ever become a point where they don't want you to go and see your brother? You know what I mean? Because once you're kind of like, indoctrinated in a little further, once you've been entrenched, you know, to the point where it's even harder to get out, when's the next demand gonna come? You know what I mean? Because like, this is probably just the trial period of when you know, the full program kicks in. Because like people

like that, if you're gonna disown a member of your family you're not then gonna be cool with another member of your family like hanging out with them i'm assuming you know yeah you're pretty much setting yourself up for isolation in the sense that no one's gonna have your back you've already proven that your parents don't have your back your partner doesn't have your back. You've already proven that your parents don't have your back. Your partner doesn't have your back. And your parents-in-law or your mother-in-law doesn't have your back. The only person who seems to give a shit about what you want is your brother. And like you said, I can pretty much guarantee you that once this is all said and done, you are going to be shunned.

If you, you know what I mean? It's going to be more of the same guilt trip. More of the like, well, you know, darling, if you cared about our life together you won't see him you can't see him you can't talk to him and now all of a sudden you're the only person who's who's left standing yeah and a family that clearly does not care about you yeah i think like literally on the at the very least you need to postpone this wedding. You need to stand your ground and say, I am not going to marry you yet. You don't need to end the relationship if you don't want to, but I really do think you need to take some time to have yourself think this over

and realize how things are going to go. I have for them to, to think things over and realize how things are going to go because over the next few weeks or months, what you're going to see is these people are either going to back off and be like, look, you're right. Okay, we're sorry. Let's find another way. Or they're going to double down, in which case the ultimatums and the threats are going to start happening.

And if that's the case, you know that you need, you never want to be in a situation with those people beside you for the rest of your life. Because if this is what they're going to do for something like this, guess what they're going to do for other shit? So I think right now, you don't have to end the entire relationship if you don't want to, although there are a lot of arguments that you should. But I do think you've got to, at the very least, massively delay this, take some time and see what happens next.

Because if they're that type of people, you're going to know enough to, to get out of there. Hopefully. Also, what's he doing to prove he's a virgin? Yeah, exactly.

Is he taking a fucking, you know, lie detector test, a polygraph to prove that he's hasn't slept with anyone like fuck off. Oh, sorry. I don't know if I mentioned he is male, so no one gives a shit

apparently oh yeah true yeah yeah so it's a giant double standard yeah this is this is something you if you believe in you need to to realize also i'm assuming it's christianity um or catholic or something of that sort um you can be those things like you can still hold religious views and not be this backwards like it's it's it's not mutually exclusive like you can be a progressive christian you could be a progressive catholic like that is allowed also and you know you can use your religion and filter it through however you want if you feel closest to god that doesn't mean you have to disown your brother which clearly your idea of what religion is and your idea of what god is is different from these people because you haven't disowned your brother yeah so i do want

to stress to people that like turning your back on toxic families and toxic societies and toxic cultures doesn't necessarily mean you have to turn your back on your faith because i promise you you can find a church that you might have to go out of state or out of town or whatever you might have to relocate which sucks but it's better than being controlled your entire life i would assume and like the fucking irony is that usually in all these religions the main kind of tenets are like be good to people you know treat your neighbor how you treat yourself like you know it's all about being good and being positive and inclusive and all this shit so it's so bizarre to me when this ends up being like the way people you know interpret that because that's not being inclusive that's not being anything good and

it's like do you really think god's up there being like hey i'll check she's a virgin like oh gotta make sure she hasn't had sex you know what i mean if god cared that much he'd strike people down with lightning when they had sex and guess what he doesn't you know what i mean like it's it's just one of those things where you know i wish people actually like paid attention to what you know the backbone of the religion was before they got into the manute because the backbone is be good to people so it's like you're not doing that part you're already a shit christian also we have to remember that all these things were created 2 000 years ago yeah or later yeah so it's if those are the standards if you want to keep society and the past that far back,

then there's another problem. I mean, we can go on about the, you know, the problems of institutionalized religion and indoctrination and everything forever. But yeah, just look after yourself because this is your life and you need people by

your side that care about you. Yeah. I promise you'd probably find a more rewarding life working with your brother and his organization than you will with this man and that seems that might seem harsh that might seem you know but like from from the information the information that is given to us i feel like you would find a far more satisfying life uh with your brother than with this guy so marry your brother marry your brother you're probably in a state that allows it. No.

Hey, with that being said, I think we're going to call it because everything is sweaty. Yeah, it's so goddamn, so goddamn warm. Thank you very much for listening. If you are still out there protesting, we support you.

We hope you're being safe. We hope you're being, you know, as, as aware of everything that else that is going on with, with COVID and everything else. We, we hope you're doing okay. And we,

we thank you very much for taking time out of your busy day to give us a listen. If you have a question that you'd like to send to us or ask us, or, you know, have us discuss, you can send it to facebook.com fck buddies podcast you can find us on twitter at fck underscore buddies you can head us up on facebook or sorry on on the internet at www.fbuddiespodcast.com or plenty of beef.ca

or you can email us at fbuddiespodcast.gmail.com Oh yeah. Thank you to Josh Eagle on the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. Alright, we ready for some bad sex writing? Yes. Is it more poetry? Um it isn't. I can do more poetry if you want. No, no. I need some poetry. Okay.

Alright, let me find some fucking poetry then, Daniel. And now please remember how to do it. Please do it right. You know I will. Or will I? So this is another one by Dean. Oh, howest hath my flesh blissed in the

tenebrous limpidity of thy cunt's hole, howest? Have joy hidden in the indigo shadows of thy cunt's folds, howest? Have blissed fromst thy kiss, je savre, Languas idyl de tendre. Look I upon that pool, of desire boiling with fire, reflecting the lust, of, like a sun. Burning in the sky, those lips ignite with the gaze of, Clucked in the scent of bluebells, oh, howlst the senses of,

gloat upon thee, thee, that multiplies my sensations, unto infinity, the gleams of dew, the glitter of shadows wrap, up in the web of delights, ah, to breathe in thy scent, to repose, in thy cunt, blooming flower for eternity, but oh, only an eternity of agony, waiting for the kiss that never comes to take away the dolor of, ne'er to be fulfilled or sated. Oh, she that viper in female flesh. Are you aroused? I don't know what I am, but i don't think aroused is the word well dean didn't do his job i'll tell him that i'll email him right now please do um okay to end this boy i've got a choice comment from the pornhub comment section this come from pornhub

user minecraft fan 445 wait this isn't how to write pig in minecraft my name is dave miller section. This comes from porno abuser Minecraftfan445. Wait, this isn't how to ride pig in Minecraft? My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we have been your fuck buddies. Stay safe.