F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 98 - Instagram Toe-Licking 101

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Terrible personalities, horrible podcast.  Don't even bother.  Topics include small penis sibling comfort, a horny milk update, an accidental first date text, being too available, approach empathy, the catalog feeling of online dating, the most graphic Instagram live video ever.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am now Spain, and we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we answer questions we find either on social media such as Reddit or sent in by our wonderful sensual listeners, and we answer them.

Now I'm going to apologize in advance. I don't know if it's going to be audible, but it does sound like there's a ghost playing a piano in my closet. I'm worried that Dane is haunted. First, he had a ghost pain in his neck. Now he has a ghost piano in his apartment. This podcast might be cursed. Did you do something spooky over isolation

that you haven't told me about yet? I mean, I feel like I'm always doing something spooky. Well, what if I scared off the ghost every week when I came? And now that I haven't told me about yet i mean i feel like i'm always doing something spooky well what if i scared off the ghost every week when i came and now that i haven't been there in so long they figured it's safe to come back like cats and rats i am terrifying to ghosts because i kind of look like one they're like damn i thought i was a painless person here yeah yeah i uh honestly it's not even that they're scared they're just upset they're like that was my whole thing you know the spooky sounds I I throw some of your stuff around like like a poltergeist you just fuck my bookcase up just like oh look at this I fucking wreck that bookcase all the daily it's like the beginning of the first Ghostbusters movie yeah every trash in the place every time

you go to look in a mirror I just have to be somewhere in the background, but only like really quickly. Yeah, when you're like, I'll look in the mirror and then you're not there. And then I'll look down and look up and then you're there for a second. And then I run away. It's not as slick when I do it as when the ghost. Yeah, I can hear you can hear and see me and I giggle a lot, which is also kind of creepy. But, you know, in a different way, to be fair, I giggle a lot, which is also kind of creepy, but you know, in a different way. To be fair, I would rather a ghost than if you were in my apartment and I couldn't find

you, but you did that. I would rather a real ghost. Yeah, because it would, it would be hard to live without me. I get you. Yes, that is what I'm saying. I feel like I was going to say something. Did something big happen this week? Something you, I think you want to talk that is what I'm saying. I feel like I was going to say something. Did something big happen this week? Something you, I think you want to talk about my chiropractor.

Did you fix yourself? Um, I'm on the road to recovery. Hey, let me tell you, he fucked my shoulders up. Like me, me with a bookcase fucked it up or he's just throwing fucking spinal columns left and right. Of, of what my shoulders look right now because like i wouldn't be able to see it oh yeah that's what you think um i went in thinking it was going to be a lot of like cracks like i was so excited for like the cracks and the pops and the snaps and the you know all those things no why would you want that because it feels so good. It feels so, so good. But no, I got, because of the nature

of my issue, it, I instead got, he got, like, these, like, they're essentially, like, really blunt knives that he then scrapes over my muscles to, like, promote blood circulation

and, like, get the blood back into those areas. So it looks like a like just a whole army of fucking like teenagers gave my shoulders hickeys oh that's that's hot that's not it's gross uh i actually had to get that done with my when i snapped my fucking the tendon in my finger or the fucking whatever they're called um god what are they called it's tendon pullings yeah when i snapped it uh they had to get this like like blunt knife it was still like it hurt like a fucker and they had to like knead it down because apparently when it uh when it heals it heals all like lumpy and that is literally here with your movement and yeah that's literally

what's what's wrong with my shoulder yeah is. Yeah. Was it described as like two fingers interlacing and like gliding? And then when they healed, they're like, yeah. This is in our chiropractor podcast. Yeah, Jesus. But yeah, it was agony because like your fingers are pretty delicate, especially when it just finally, you know, got to the point where you can fucking move it again. And I really did not enjoy having my parts scraped down.

I would not want that on my finger. But on my neck and shoulder, it felt so good. Yeah, it sounds pretty nice. But again, it looks like I have a horrible disease. Well, I'm glad you're better. Right, we got to stop talking about this. We got to be interesting or sexual or both. Okay, then this comes from Reddit user throw. All right.

Abby cat. My 20 year old female brother, 19 year old male opened up to me about his penis problems. And I don't know what to do. We were having drinks out in the garden and gotten to pretty deep conversations about life and love and stuff. At one point I asked him why he can't hold down a girlfriend. Innocent enough question,

right? Well, he suddenly started crying and blurted out that it's because he has a small penis i didn't know how to respond so i just reached out and hugged him until he stopped i felt so sorry for him now we're sober i think he regrets telling me because he seems to actively be avoiding me poor guy i'm his big sister so of course i want to help but i don't know how he's been the kind of or he's been kind of depressed in months and it only really came out of his shell last night with a drink. Way to steal my questions, Dane.

Oh, shit. Way to steal my questions, Dane. I feel like this might be one that you might have had. I'm sorry, did you get that today? No, you didn't, did you? No. You monster. You're always meant to get them right before the podcast.

That's how I know my questions are safe. Well, I got them yesterday. No, Dane, that's not when you do this yeah yes it is oh i guess today is thursday damn it yeah damn it i was wrong uh yeah man this is a really awkward conversation because like one in a certain sense it's not actionable you know what i mean there's not like a hey like like you know what i mean she's not like hey i'm gonna fix your dick problem because one it's it's whatever as someone who goes on pornhub to find comments i can tell you right now that is exactly what a sister should do

but like secondly i doubt he's even wanting to get into it any more than what he said because it's with his sister you know what i mean um so i think like right now the first hurdle you gotta fix is the awkward silence that is gonna be your lives from now on you need to talk to him about it you know you don't need to be like hey you're you know you can just be like hey you know it was really nice like you know opening up the other day like i'm really glad you opened up with me and like i'm glad we had that conversation like i'm always here for you blah blah blah like bring it up and talk to him so that he's not awkward about it and so that you show that you're not awkward about it and then you know that's the first step you need to do right now

is just make sure that these walls that are kind of going up like these embarrassment walls don't stay up yeah um because with problems like this this is like one of those things that gets internalized and wreaks havoc on pretty much every aspect of life yeah you know what i mean like it's going to affect his self-confidence which is what I mean? Like it's going to affect his self-confidence was going to affect his relationships. It's going to affect his work. It's going to affect his hobbies. It's going to affect everything.

Um, so the sooner you can sort of be like, Hey, thank you so much for trusting me the other night. I really appreciate you opening up to me. I know it wasn't easy. Um, but like,

this doesn't have to be a weird thing like we can talk i care about you and and you don't have to get hammered to to open up to me like everything you say is going to be private i'm going to keep your secret if you don't want me saying anything i won't say anything and that goes for like everything you know what i mean like from from what we talked about the other night to anything else you want to talk about i am here for you a lot of people people are weird talking to family or siblings about kind of more personal or like sexual things. You know what I mean? Especially one of like a brother and sister. Like if it was two guys.

Yeah. I think that would be a little easier. But like to talk to a sibling of another gender, I think that is also like another hurdle you got to cross. Yeah. that is also like a another hurdle you got to cross yeah and that's why i really want like because the worst thing that could come out of this is that this person clearly has a complex and is very upset about this issue so for that to also then become like a distancing factor with him and his sister that would be so fucking terrible so like you just need to make sure that doesn't happen first things first that's the most important thing make sure he knows you're cool with it like you're comfortable.

He doesn't have to be embarrassed. And he has support. And I think that alone is going to be a lot of help. You know, like, you know, you have someone in your corner. It's an issue you don't have to keep bottled up inside. You can talk about it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As for helping him, I don't know. Because one, like, it depends how much, much like detail he's gone into it with you.

And like, again, depending, it depends how comfortable he is going into any detail with you, which he might not be. And on top of that, I guess it depends then what the specific issue is. But like, in a general kind of like sense, like, maybe steer him towards either like, you know, a podcast like our one, we've had questions about micro penises and about like erectile dysfunctions and like a bunch of like, kind of penis related problems. Um, and we also, or even like towards Reddit, like there are, there are Reddits for people, you know, for like, I forget the exact names, but like there's big dick Reddits and there's small dick Reddits. And like, you know, there's no way there isn't a community online for your brother where he's going to know that like, sure, it might've been

either actually an issue in previous relationships or maybe just a cruel thing people said out of spite at the end of relationships. You know what I mean? Either way, he'll be able to see that people can and do and will have healthy relationships no matter what situation they're in you know what i mean like obviously he's upset right now but like i think it might be really helpful for him to realize that that's not the be-all and end-all and that there is hope out there and the people in situations either similar or you know in the same kind of realm, do very well and live perfectly normal lives. Yeah, you're also in a very unique position, and I think favorable position, as a woman. You have sort of the inside scoop on how women think.

And I know that's a blanket statement because you can't say that women don't care because that's a blanket statement because you know you can't say that like women don't care because that's you know a generalization like you said if you look through any of the questions on reddit or any sort of like conversation about penis size nine times out of ten everyone's like we don't fucking care yeah and what the real problem is is the insecurity that comes from either a perceived small penis or of like an actual small penis whether it's a micro penis or you know a below average size penis whatever it may be like nine times out of ten i would say that it's it's usually the insecurity and and thus the like the weirdness that comes out of it how like people will second guess their pleasure their

partner's pleasure like you could you could 100 satisfy your partner sexually with a small penis 100 and and i think a lot of people don't believe that and so when the thing when someone is especially with like media oh media is the worst that's like talking about how penis size is sort of like the be all and end all it's like if you have a big dick you're good in bed which is not the case talk to literally any woman who has had multiple sexual encounters and they will tell you that that's usually not yeah it's generally like someone with a big dick is like well that's it i did it yeah they walk in thinking their job is done and tend to be either lazy lovers or clumsy lovers or selfish lovers. So I think you can definitely talk on the female experience of this.

And I think that would be beneficial for him to hear. Because it'd be one thing like a dude to another dude being like, ah, no, don't worry about women. I don't care about that. That doesn't clear things up because you could still be like, you don't know. But, you know, hearing that from a woman that you trust and a woman that you respect might help alleviate some of that pain. And then exactly like you said, go on Reddit and look at how many people have been like, I love sleeping with my partner who had a small penis, but his insecurities ruined it. Yeah, that is the thing. It's like I have never really seen any posts being like, hey, my boyfriend's dick is too small. Like, we've been trawling Reddit for a year now.

Yeah. And we've seen all sorts of shit. We've seen horny milk. We've seen people who, like, regularly shit on the shower wall and just leave it there. Like, we've seen the dregs of humanity. And I don't think I've ever seen a question about that. know i'm not going to say it hasn't happened obviously but like what i have seen is people's insecurities you know probably fucking eight out of ten uh questions have been to do with that you know so i think that is is you're gonna have a way

worse time being insecure than you are going to have with a small dick. You know what I mean? Obviously, it's easier said than done to not be insecure. But, you know, being like realizing that that's going to be worse for you than than any small dick or erectile dysfunction or anything, I think is pretty important. You know, like if you're confident, if you care about your partner and are like active and like, you know, put in the effort and, you know, coming is coming. If no one's complaining that they didn't come a certain way necessarily, if they've come right. Precisely. I think the big thing that a lot of people forget that it's like if you're relying solely on your penis for sexual pleasure of your partner, then you've already failed.

Well, yeah, most people don't even come with penetration anyway. So yeah. And it's like, even if they do, like there's more to sex than penetration. You know what I mean? I, I considerable a lot more and like granted,

I'm sure there are people who just want penetration, nothing else, but like, that's fine. Like, again, there are no, like there are no,

there are no be alls and end alls here. It's not like we're going, this is people, you know, are no be alls and end alls here it's not like we're going this is people you know there's always spectrums and shades you know but in general i i would i would not enjoy sex as much without if it was just penetration oh god no i you know what i mean it's like as much as i love penetration it is great would, I would say that like my sex life would be infinitely worse if that's all I relied on. No, of course.

And like, I don't know, like growing up, it's like once I stopped focusing so much on penetration was when I started to become far better in bed, you know? Oh yeah. And it's like,

I think it's just a thing you learn as you kind of grow up and like whatever, but either way, the point is you're cutting yourself off so much worse by being insecure than you are by whatever kind of like physical things you have. And there's always a way around it or a person who won't mind, but the important things are to be a confident and like, you know, self-assured partner and also to be an active and like, you know, self-assured partner, and also to be an active and like, you know, sexually competent partner, which again has nothing to do with your dick necessarily. So work on those things.

If you're the sister in this question, you know, try and get back or make sure that the awkwardness is dispelled and the earlier the better. And, you know, if they know that there's someone in their corner, that's going to mean the world to them. Yeah.

Especially someone they can be honest with. And, like, it's got to be a relief to get that off their chest. Because, like, there's not a lot of people I'm sure he feels like he can tell. No one wants to tell their friends that. No one wants to tell a girl they're seeing that. So who the fuck do you tell? Because you also don't want to mention shit to family depending on. Because no matter how close you are, like, talking about your dick size is is a you know generally held as a weird thing to do with your family so

you know whatever way it happened clearly it needed to come out and now that it has hopefully you can be really supportive and uh help him to build up the confidence to you know to move on with his life yeah anything on the list of things i don't want to talk to my family about. Anything about my dick is the top of that list. Yeah, it's pretty much there. Well, how about a little update on Horny Milk? Oh, yeah. I forgot we had that. Yeah.

So this is ThrowRA. My life is a mess. Three days ago, they came out with an update that has gotten 10,000 upvotes. I haven't actually read it yet, so I don't know if this is even funny or good or anything, but let's go for it I don't think any of you would care for an update so speaking to the void is just as good so like a lot of you said he tries to get me back

I got my now also ex-best friend to read the messages for me apparently one of his older brothers sorry apparently one of his older brothers told him he was a fucking moron and that's not how girls work he texted me how he loved me so much but that like again a lot of you said quickly changed to no one but me can love you come back to me you're

just like other woman you're all whores you guys were right i dodged a fucking bullet and he's never gonna get near a woman for the rest of his life that did she kill him it certainly sounds like she's there he's never gonna get near a woman for the rest of his life pardon that's okay uh apparently she said i added this in an edit but just after we broke up i had grief sex with my best friend grief sex did she literally kill this guy and then i think this dude's dead oh my god uh with my best friend it didn't sit right with me and it continued to be weird as i stayed there it became glaringly obvious that my best friend wasn't my best friend. It didn't sit right with me and it continued to be weird as I stayed there. It became glaringly obvious that my best friend wasn't my best friend and really saw me as something to masturbate to, which I don't know. It's horrifying and disgusting. Just the way she looks at me isn't a crush. It's perversion. She said she'd wait for me, whatever that means,

but she seemed pretty impatient with me to get over him. First time we had sex, my emotions were high and I was vulnerable. I truly felt alone, but now I'm no longer vulnerable. She keeps trying to make me hurt emotionally again to see if i'll have sex with her she brought me a drink then bring up traumatic events from my life and she'd fucking smile when she saw me get upset so yeah i'm at my mom's house and i'm a wreck 2020 better end with something good because i hate my life right now having trust in people is a concept long forgotten. Whoa. Whoa. This got dark. What the hell? That's a real weird, like, pickup maneuvers.

Like, here's a drink. Also, do you remember this trauma? Smile. I also didn't expect this to get that dark, so maybe I should have trust read it first. And then it gets into her mom and her dad. Yeah, I'm just going to leave it at that. Anyway.

I was going to say, considering what the middle was, I really don't need new family drama. I mean, it's good to know that everyone kind of went to the science well and was like, hey, dude, that's not how it works. Yeah, like, okay, let's look at the positives. They have broken up. So that's not how it works. Yeah, like, okay, let's look at the positives. They have broken up, so that's good. And he now knows how boobs work, I guess, to a degree. And also horniness. Yeah.

I mean, unfortunately, he still seems like an incel toxic. Yeah, he seems like he's an asshole. But hey, hopefully, this will be a lesson. I don't know. Imagine if that was your fucking move to get someone back being like hey man no one's gonna love you you're all whores be with me oh my god i'm assuming that's paraphrasing yeah hopefully just filtering that through the rest of what's just happened but yikes big i would love to do is like get romantic comedies and like overdub them with like this

shit so it's like you know the scene like three cars away through the movie where like they get back he's running through the rain yeah like no one will ever love you you're just like other women you're all whores actually with the cards yeah all right so that was a weird update sorry guys next time i'll read it uh i think we gotta we gotta go a little a little lighter so this is gonna be from today i fucked up uh by user don't air today i fucked up by texting my date that i might end up marrying him seconds after we ended our date it just happened to me literally 10 minutes ago i am dying i am dead and we now oh holy ghost. I thought it only happened in poorly written rom-coms,

the kind where life hardly imitates the real one. I want to bury myself and never come to see the light again. Why me, oh why me? 10 painfully long minutes ago, I, exalted by the wonderful date I went with, this handsomely gorgeous man who happened to be a friend of mine for the last three years, against my apartment door that I had just closed on his beautiful face, I typed these words that will fiercely haunt me. Bitch, I think I'm going to end up marrying this guy. It was meant for my best friend, the only other soul I could muster to express my vulnerable feelings, and I sent it to him instead. Do you

think there is a void big enough to hold all my misery, all the embarrassment? Do you think I can make a pact with the devil to turn back time? I would just need 10 minutes. That would be very Any advice? What you need to do right now is text him again saying oh he brought me double chicken fingers I love this delivery man

oh yeah you know shift that blame or send him again he thinks that like you know oh she's not talking about me she's talking about her Uber Eats delivery guy. Mm-hmm. Or like you said, I think I'm going to end up marrying this guy.

Immediately send him a GIF of Colonel Sanders and then be like, yeah, because I had KFC in the fridge and I'm so happy to be eating it right now. Yeah. Like 100%. Just like, just follow it up with whatever you can paul rudd send to paul rudd be like i'm watching you know one of paul rudd's great movies yeah one of paul rudd's great movies um here's the thing is like i assume it's already been at least 10 minutes i feel like at this point you're fucked yeah this is preventative measures for the next person to do this this person

yes you are essentially ended well okay I will say I will say if it was most situations you're done you gotta move away you gotta like witness protection yourself uh didn't we have

a whole thing a while ago where you had to get information on the mob and then go to the police with that information so you could be witness protections didn't we did we say that a while ago i'm sure we said something along the lines of that yeah i think you gotta do that um but in this one you know this person for three years and that changes things it does and it either makes it way worse or way better you know what in all seriousness if like i would take that as the biggest compliment like that would that would just puff my ego up like i wouldn't like obviously she doesn't think that you know what i mean like it's hyperbole so i would be if if i got that after a fucking date i'd be like ball is in my court i am holding all of the cards now yeah that's the thing

it's like i think this is a pretty good litmus test and i don't think anyone should actively do this because i think it's kind of just it's too much But if he is chill about this and like teases you a little bit, but takes it well, that's pretty cool. It means, you know, you've, you've complimented him in quite a big way and he is emotionally intelligent and confident enough to realize you don't literally mean it. And he'll take the compliment as it is. And it's a nice situation. You guys can laugh about it at your wedding. Um, if he's like whoa whoa whoa whoa we just fucking met we just went out one you know then this person is probably not the best to to keep going with anyway especially if you like them that much because they're that insecure and worried

about um you know what i mean if they can't read between the lines of the context that's probably a pretty good indication honestly this the more i think about it i was like this is sort of like this would be best case scenario for me like back when i was single and dating i would love for this to happen because one it would get for me to be like oh hey you know well i'm not looking for anything serious right now haha wink and get that out the window you know what i mean i've already got perfect the easiest way to bring that up yeah you get like to have a little like tease that's always super fun yeah they get to you be embarrassed for a little bit and you get to reassure them and whatever and then you can just be like well you know let's see how the second date goes before we go that far wink you know

like it really blows down a lot of the barriers um and it's kind of nice it's like a good leveler you know what i mean it's like it's hard to be awkward after it's kind of nice it's like a good leveler you know what i mean it's like it's hard to be awkward after you've kind of like knocked down a few of those barriers yeah i mean i like again like the more i think about this the more i'm just like i wish this is this is crime i mean like for me like i understand her embarrassment 100 yes like i totally get it but and it's funny it's like almost when you're reading it you're in that situation like oh no but like as you remove yourself from it you're like wait a minute not so bad it's not terrible no like you said i think

like it's it's a perfect test like if this guy freaks out and thinks that you're a psychopath then like all right then you know fuck it yeah so i think i say just like if you have already left it so long that you can't do the colonel sanders thing uh do it anyway do it anyway yeah just like just essentially guess that this man has probably written you off and every day for the rest of your life text him a gif of girl. Oh yeah, you can't stop with the Sanders Gambit until the Sanders Gambit is successful. Like four years from now, he's like, okay, I believe you.

And you're like, cool. And that's it. That's the end. You've won. All right, hit me. This comes from Reddit user PurpleCatty. Being too available? What do you consider being too available when i start seeing

someone if i really like them i want to spend time with them this usually amounts to seeing them two to three times per week i'm not that interesting of a person lol i don't have stuff going on that often so many times i agree whatever day they suggest is this bad i just hate playing games i'm obviously not going to change plans to accommodate a date but i'm really not that busy of a person besides going to work but how do you all especially men view this if someone is like whoa you're free when i ask you to be free fuck that person don't hang out with them ever like if they're expecting you to like oh sorry can't like you know what i mean no fuck that person so hard it's the strangest fuck like part of the heart like one of the hardest things about dating nowadays is like flakiness

and being like hey you know people hedging their bets hoping that like maybe something like keeping themselves available and then choosing last minute their you know quote unquote best option and like it was so hard like towards the end of like when i was dating it was like you'd be like hey are you free thursday maybe i'll have to see how the day goes it's like all right well cool that doesn't mean anything if i was like hey thursday night you want to go grab a drink and someone was like yeah my immediate action wouldn't be like oh this fucking loser what an idiot yeah it would be different if like on the flip side you were like like firstly sorry for what you were saying that's the fucking best

if you're like oh hey what's up and they're like yeah i'm free this day and you're like cool like that's such a nice feeling there's no way you don't think way more fondly of that person because like it's nice to actually know have it down cement you know what i mean have a cemented plan to look forward to it and you can actually get ready and like not stress and blah blah blah blah it's all fucking good yes um everyone i see is like stop asking people out if you don't know what to do it's like well if you don't tell me you're gonna like yeah hang out with me four hours before the date i I'm not going to fucking plan anything. Yeah.

Because that's so depressing. If you're like, yeah, I got this plan. Oh, you're bailing for no reason? Cool. Yeah. Oh, you're not feeling well? You got a headache? Cool.

So yeah, I think if anyone is upset about this, they suck. On the flip side, if you're like, hey, free Monday? I can't. Free Tuesday? Well, free Wednesday? Free, like, I'm always free. Also, don't call yourself boring.

Can we just get rid of that? Nothing makes me more upset. Actually, a lot of things make me more upset, but you know what I mean. There's a few things. Yeah, there's a lot, but still, it just fucking sucks. I'm sure you heard me sigh. Yeah, it's...

I remember, yeah. I went on a blind date someone was like oh i'm really boring and not interesting it's like well neat way to open this if you bore yourself i have no hope in hell yeah yeah so no i think in this case if someone is upset that you are free when they ask you just throw them out the window yeah the only time i think this is annoying is if like if you're asking them every day yeah if if you're the one being like hey want to hang out today and someone's like ah no sorry i'm busy and then it's like hey want to hang out today like i can understand that getting kind of fucking weird yeah but if you're if if the like

what the question is asking is you know if someone asks you if you're free and you say yes, do people think weirdly about that? I'm sure there's some idiot that does, but that idiot is not worth fucking. Yeah, no. There's nothing nicer than people agreeing and solidifying a date.

So you're fine. Don't worry about it. Okay, this one's kind of related. Okay. It's by user just amy 25 and they're putting forward their unpopular opinion dating apps make it too difficult to keep a consistent thing going dating apps give us access to so many people at a time that's so easy to constantly be looking for the next best person even when there's someone great already in front of us i 25 year old female i'm in no way in a rush to get into a relationship, but I'm a hundred percent the type of person that likes to consistently be involved with one person at a time. I understand

people like entertaining multiple people, which is okay as long as it's made clear, but it kind of sucks when you feel like you're really vibing with someone and they express how they feel about you, but they're still constantly swiping through apps, looking at what's out there. I get that a big part of dating is not putting all your eggs in one basket, but at what point do you allow yourself to really explore the possibilities with someone? Do you agree with their unpopular opinion? I don't think

it's an unpopular opinion at all. I think it's a very common opinion. I agree and I don't agree. One, we've talked about it a thousand times about how like you're not exclusive until you're exclusive dating other people is super healthy and like i don't think we need to say that again i think there is something to say and uh i believe it was damien rice who said too many options could kill a man and and i think that is i think that

is a actual legit problem nowadays is that like we have access to essentially like a catalog of people and you're you're so inundated with options that people are you know kind of hesitant to sort of pursue things or uh you, you know, look into things without, without, you know, really feeling like it's, there's nothing better out there. See,

I'm not sure I agree because it's like, unless like, I feel like this person's problem is that they, you know, they're saying, I only want to get involved with one person at a time. And when there's constantly swiping through apps, looking at what's out there,

unless you're swiping through like Tinder in front of them. I feel like that's just a mental thing where like, she's upset that they still have apps or like, it's the possibility less than like her literally looking at them doing it. Cause if they are, that's yes, that's shitty. But like,

if it's just that they're looking around, like, fuck it, whatever, you know, once you aren't exclusive it doesn't matter or shouldn't matter and like i feel like this person's problem is just that they want dating to go differently you know what i mean but they don't want to admit that

because like i think if you find someone you like you're not gonna give that up for no reason you know what i mean that's like yeah so like you know i i don't know because for me it's like i did the tinder thing and it's like when i found someone i liked you know i'm still dating her then it's it's it's very fair you know um i don't think anyone's giving up someone they like for no reason maybe things take a little longer you know what i mean like you don't jump into that exclusivity too soon or whatever but like i don't think that's a bad thing you know no of course not and that's why it's like we've talked about that a thousand times yeah i didn't want to like reiterate it you know you that's an interesting point and i think i do agree with you um because like even

when i was very much not looking for a commitment or a, an exclusive relationship. I was so happy when I found someone that I could see consistently because like one, most of my relationships were sexual in nature and like pretty much predominantly for sexual pleasure. And like a few people, like I did fun things with, and that was,

that was fine. But like good sex comes from regularity you know what i mean it's rare that like you're really hit it out of the park the first time because you're still kind of like learning um so like i i don't necessarily like like you said it's like when you find someone you like unless you're you know a madman who just wants to like sleep with as many people as possible and just you know rack up the quote unquote number yeah um like i think most people do want to find someone that is consistent whether it is for sex or whether it is for you know a potential relationship i think consistency is is a big thing if you're dating truthfully yeah like honestly I think the only thing you can do,

like, the irony is, this person who wants, like, the single person and whatever, I will bet money that they've sabotaged relationships that could have gone to that point that she wants because they didn't go there soon enough. Because that's what it sounds like, you know?

Because I think, like, there's nothing that's going to kill a burgeoning relationship faster than, than, you know, hard lines and, you know, ultimatums and, you know,

you're still seeing people, but I want to be, you know, whereas maybe if you were a little bit more casual or a little bit more open to just keeping things as they are and going on, maybe it would work out, you know? Yeah.

And, and like, you know, she seems to sort of have the right idea of being like i only want to see one person at a time but i'm fine with other people seeing you know the people i'm seeing seeing other people yeah which is fine like if that's that's the approach yeah for sure if that's if that's your preferred way of dating great as long as you don't think that everyone should be doing the same thing like if you understand that there are people out there

who are dating multiple people before they make a commitment and you're fine with that great doesn't sound like sure that you are actually yeah you actually do feel that way yeah all right you got one i got one um this comes from reddit user captain dylan does anyone else not approach women sometimes because you feel bad that they get approached too often? Sometimes when I'm out, I will see a cute girl that catches my eye and I would like to approach her. However, I believe since I thought like that, many other men must have the same judgment as me. I think she probably gets approached by men all the time. So I don't have to make her go through that again by not going up to her. I'm wondering if I'm overthinking this or if or for any women out there can you comment on how often you get approached and if so do you like

it uh have i done this before yeah all the time um yeah i think that's i think that's a good thing i think this guy is 100 a good thing it's not a bad thing like he's basically like i sometimes care about women yeah i empathize with yeah you know females or women like yes that's a great thing this is essentially the point of this podcast yeah i think like having this as your like psychology is one of the best things you can do because it just means that like it's all about empathy and just not being a complete piece of shit. It's about seeing women as people, which is a radical idea to some fucking people. So yes, 100%, this is a good thing. And yes, it's one of those shitty things where you don't necessarily know.

It's all hypothetical, right? For all you know, no one's talked to that person. If you talk to them, they might like it. But fuck it. You know what i mean you're possibly not getting to talk to a pretty girl you just saw is not as important as someone feeling safe and comfortable in their life you know what i mean like yeah playing those two things out are there's no competition um and it's like time and place right like that's exactly what i was gonna say if you're walking down the street at 3 a.m and

there's somebody coming home from a club and you're like oh this pretty girl damn i can't go talk to her this sucks don't talk to her i i don't care if it sucks or you know how you feel about that uh your initial thoughts are completely correct because that is neither the time nor the place you know in the on a dark street being approached by a strange man, kind of terrifying. Yeah. And like other, just,

you know, grocery shopping. Yeah. Or, you know what I mean? Like at the gym, like there are things where like, if,

if it's someone's routine, chances are they don't want that routine broken by a strange man, either complimenting them or talking to them. And it's like, sometimes it happens organically. You know what I mean? I remember when I was single, I ended up getting a girl's number or a woman's number at

a no frills grocery store. Hell yeah. Because I can't remember what it was, but we went for the last thing and I was like, no, please. It's yours. I don't care. We got talking and then like throughout the store we kept bumping into each other like up and down the aisles um and then you know i made an offhand comment being like ah we gotta stop meeting like this uh and i asked her out and i was like i feel

like at that point you know we had we had enough of a rapport but like if you just see a cute girl looking through the apples don't fucking stroll up rapport but like if you just see a cute girl looking through the apples don't fucking stroll up and be like hey i just really needed to tell you that i thought you were beautiful now did you say we got to stop meezing like this in the meat aisle i didn't i wish don't tell me it was the veggie aisle no it was it was the end so probably like the the frozen frozen treat area there's's not frozen meat area. No, probably. He didn't say we got to stop treating like this.

Hey, I went on a date with her. Did you, though? I did. I don't know. OK. Sounds like a frill. But then there is like there's social settings. If you're at a concert, if you're at a gig, if you're at a concert if you're at a gig if you're

at a bar or whatever it's like there are opportunities to talk to people and it's not terrible again if there's a group of women sitting at a table talking amongst themselves don't walk up and be like hi i just had to introduce myself because you're beautiful which always seems like that always seems to be the fucking opening line just being like i'm sorry but i just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you are. Yeah. As a bartender. Like, I don't, I see that all the time.

I'm just like, no one wants to hear this. Yeah. She's not going to like, wait, what? I'm beautiful. Strange man. That means nothing to me. Oh my God. You definitely don't want to just fuck.

Um, and I think you're kind of raising a really important thing there it's like yeah they're like there is no hard and fast rule necessarily as to you know when is okay to approach and when isn't uh i think having this mindset means you're probably at least decent somewhat at thinking when is and when isn't appropriate. But the most important thing I think is what you say, how you say it, and then how you react afterwards. Because like, if for some reason, you know, something either comes up organically, or you think it's okay, and you say something at the grocery, and you know, she's like, Oh, okay, thanks and leaves. And you just Oh, that didn't work out or whatever and you fucking that's it that's cool

and you're polite and whatever if you follow them and try it again or if you are initially very creepy with what you say or if you get upset when they say something then you fucking suck you know what i mean i think that those things are probably are mostly more important than when and when you do it how you do it is definitely you know because you could fuck up even a normal situation right oh yeah but like of course obviously there are some definite no-nos such as you know dark alleys or a girl alone by herself at night yeah just use your brain trying to get into a car oh my god yeah like she just dropped her keys and she's you know just now yeah i mean like the idea like i think the the real good hard and fast rule would be if the part of your brain

is like oh i feel bad for women i think that's obviously not a time to go and approach them if that's if that's your first gut reaction and like initial reaction is being like i'd love to go talk to her but i understand this might be uncomfortable for them then like great that's your first gut reaction and like initial reaction is being like i'd love to go talk to her but i understand this might be uncomfortable for them then like great that's your fucking answer yeah yeah you you should be able to to figure out times when it's reasonably acceptable you know and like it's not rocket science but yes i do think what you're doing is i want to say normal i know it's normal for me and you yeah i know it's normal for good people i don't know if i can say it's normal because a lot of guys fucking suck but i do think it's a very good thing and i you know as frustrating as you might feel to be like

oh i feel like i'm you know because i've definitely been like oh was i just like overthinking it or like am i just like being a coward or like all these different things? I've definitely taught them before. And it's like, none of that outweighs someone's potential, like comfort or safety, you know? So exactly.

So you're doing the right thing. All right. You ready? Yep. This is by caterpillar patient girl, girl who was planning a future with me while cuddling in my bed posts a drunk Instagram story of a dude grabbing her between her legs and licking her toes. Huh?

I was seeing this girl for the last three months, and we went out at least once a week. On the last date, I took her back to my place, and while we were cuddling in bed, she started talking about a future with me. She told me how much she liked me and want to travel to all these places with me. We were supposed to go to New York City this month. I told her how much I liked her and she started to become very important to me. On Saturday late night, on Saturday late night, maybe last night. Either way, on Saturday late night, she accidentally posted this dude grabbing her between her legs and licking her toes in her bed.

Watching this made me sick to my stomach and hurt me so much that I threw up in the bathroom. Next day, she texted me that she was sorry and got drunk and made a mistake. I didn't say anything back. IDK. That video made me miserable. It wasn't even two days that she confessed to me and was planning a future. She never told me she was seeing other guys or made it seem like I was the only one. I really like this girl, you know, and now i feel like crap and heartbroken idk what to do i'm 23 she's 24 so he said that she never made it clear that she was seeing other people or that he was

the other like the only one yeah i don't know if like he means to say she never told me she was seeing other people and made it seem like I was the only one, but he definitely does say, or so maybe it was like, we never clarified either way, which obviously they didn't. I mean,

like I get it. Even if, even when I was seeing multiple people, I definitely wouldn't want to see a drunken Snapchat of whatever that was. Can we just talk about that or should we get into that later i mean you know people wild drunk instagram story i'm not here to yuck anyone's yums but even like even like the mise en scene like how do you fit that all in to the one shot like That took some planning.

Like, was he fingering her? Or was he literally just kind of cupping? Like, I just don't understand what that looked like. Not that I necessarily want to know what it looked like, but in my head, I'm trying to form that mental image,

and it's... It's a nightmare, and I understand why this man threw up. It's, it's, it's a pretty weird thing to see. Like the thing is, it's either there's two ways that this goes, right?

It's either like super sexual, you know what I mean? Like grabbing her between the legs. Like if he's like literally fingering her while licking her toes in the one shot, like that's, that's pretty intense but if it's just like a weird like non-sexual leg like in between the legs like maybe he's

like lifting her up and licking her toe i don't know maybe he's very strong like that's almost comical then and not sexual at all but i don't think there's an in-between but it was it they said it was in bed right so i feel like there's probably like sexy overtones regardless. Either way, like I said, even when I was seeing multiple people, yeah, even though, even if I was seeing multiple people, like I wouldn't want to see drunk Instagrams of, you know, one of my sexual partners in bed with another dude. Not that it would necessarily break my heart.

No. It's still just, you know, there are realms of ignorance that you sort of have to like surround yourself with it's kind of like if you're like not even like seeing someone but like if you're making out with or sleeping with somebody or whatever for like we call it like you know if you're like meeting someone that's or shifting them in ireland that's kind of the term where it's like if you like have an ongoing like physical kind of thing but it's not like you know you're not boyfriend and girlfriend or anything if you're out of the bar with them and like you start talking to somebody you don't kiss them or you don't get their number or you don't whatever because it's just kind of fucking rude you know i mean when

you when you're with the person that you're with yeah you're with them exactly even if you're not it's just not being a dick, right? Yeah. So, like, you know, this isn't obviously the same thing, but it, you know, it totally makes sense to see that and not enjoy it. Does the fact that she talked about going to New York City with you mean this is any betrayal? I don't think so. Or any more of a betrayal? No. Like, again, you're exclusive or you're not. And if you so. Or any more of a betrayal? No. Again, you're exclusive or you're not. And if you're not, you're not.

Right? Yeah. Once again, you've put too much expectation on the relationship that you constructed in your own head before you actually made it a real thing. This guy's talking about

her like an exclusive monogamous partner yeah when she's not yeah and you admit that she isn't so then you don't necessarily like again we both acknowledge it sucks to see this video yeah and if it's enough for you to be like well damn i feel like you know if it's enough to sort of like turn you off of her. Well, that sucks. But if that's what you feel and that's what you're feeling. But like, again, she didn't really do like she didn't betray you. She didn't cheat on you.

That that's not a fair. So that hopefully isn't the way you're going to play this, because I don't think that's fair. You know, like no one's saying you can't feel the way you you feel but you can't also then accuse her of stuff that isn't correct because in this you can't put that on you know what i mean like your feelings can't be sort of like thrown on her in a negative fashion because this post is literally you saying we're not exclusive but we did cuddle and talk about new y once. Like that, that doesn't mean shit. I'm sorry. So like, stop trying to make these excuses so that you're like,

anger is valid, I guess. You know what I mean? Like you're allowed to be upset. Sure. But you're not allowed to put it on her like that. Yeah. You're not allowed to make her the villain in this.

It sucks that you got her. And, and that's sort of like the end of the sentence yeah however maybe you get look into how and why this was posted that's the bit i think you gotta determine because that that i don't know it's just so baffling yeah i mean i don't know maybe they were making a weird video and yeah maybe the guy did it. Maybe that was his power move. I'm sorry. If this man was able to suck her toes, finger her, and get him all in with an Instagram Live video.

100%. You know he did. It wasn't her. I bet you it was him. It was a power play. He was like, I know she's seeing other people. I'm going to get rid of all of them right now. I'm going to make them all throw up.

I'm going to do the weirdest shit I can. I'm going to get rid of all of them right now. I'm going to make them all throw up. I'm going to do the weirdest shit I can. I'm going to grab her, lick her toes. I'm going to so far remove her from the eligible pool of dating. From literally anyone who sees this video. Even if she's not dating them. No one will want to ever think of her as a sexual partner again. Once I'm done with these little tootsies. What I do to these toes on video is just gonna be fucking raw.

It's gonna hurt. It's gonna throw people. You know what? Maybe this was Horny Milk Guy and he was like, it's his second gambit. Now he can turn around and be like, you're just like other women. No one will ever love you, you toe whore. Your toes didn't even leak.

Look, I know something leaks. Hey, do you think horny milk was Ben Shapiro? I would not be surprised. Oh, man, Ben Shapiro, like, women who get wet are ill. What, dude? No, he's the opposite. He's like, women should never leak. Women are bone dry.

Always. I heard some women were squirting liquid out of their boobs into baby's mouth. That's disgusting. They must be ill. It's like, no, that's called breastfeeding. All right, we need to end this. All right, you ready for some Tinders? Yeah, maybe some Tinders.

But I just want to, in case people don't know what the hell we're doing, a few weeks ago we asked people to submit Tinder profiles that we, that they found out in the wild or their own Tinder profile for a review. And now I talk about whether there's red flags or, um, you know, what we, what we could do to punch it up to make it a little more successful.

Um, and let's, let's just be honest. A lot of them are terrible. So we got, are you ready for this? This is Maria. Okay. Russian living in canada height 5 8 to 5 9 okay guys i'm very tired of seeing dog pictures especially when it's licking your face it's highly unhygienic and just to know if you have a group

picture i usually like your friends much better wink okay that's a powerful move it's a bold move in one in one fell swoop she's saying she doesn't like dogs wild and that also your friends are hotter than you yeah that kind of negging is some seduction like standard i mean like i understand her thing just being like i don't want to see dog pictures or group pictures, but you've done it in such a way. It's such an aggressive, unpleasant way. Yeah. That, like, just makes you seem like absolutely no fun. Yeah.

Like, I can't imagine any world where I'm on a date and say that we're out for a walk and we are blessed with a dog running up to us to say hello. And I go down and pet this little pupper and it licks me on the face. You got blessed with a full face lick? Oh my God. I'm not looking. I'm not looking for that face lick because, yeah, it's kind of gross. But at the same time, if it happens. It's also the best thing in the world.

If it happens, if it's just the organic will of the world if it happens if it's just the organic will of the pupper gods then who am i to say no either way fuck off dogs are the best and my friends are also very attractive yes but please don't but no more attractive than you you beautiful bastards oh thanks buddy uh i'm giving that one a two out of ten yeah i hate it yeah all right this is tash expectations low to non-existent faith in men non-existent oh change change my mind or don't lady shrugging emoji cool party trick hit tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue five nine and outgoing and yes i'm shallow so height does matter sorry i mean all around a terrible person, it sounds like. Yeah.

Again, it's such an aggressive, like, you know, imagine if you were, like, opening up a door. Like, instead of swiping on your phone, it was just, like, a hallway, and you were, like, opening up a door, and you got, like, a second, like, oh, hey, I'm blah, blah, blah. Like, you'd open this up, and she'd be standing there with, like, a hammer, like. Just screaming. You just open a door, and it's just like, like fuck everything there's no way i'll ever trust you change my mind or don't shrug and also just being like i don't i don't have any faith in men it's like all right like look i get it i'm almost there with you that's kind of why we started this podcast we made a podcast specifically because we don't like the state of like the

general men collective but at the same time if you want to date a dude you gotta you gotta believe that there's someone out there that's decent yeah it's funny because it's like i get it but i also don't you know what i mean it's like like i wouldn't go to a place if i thought everything was poisoned it just starts things off with a weird i don't know and then the i'm shout like saying you're shallow and then saying hype you know it's like i'm sorry no give that one a four oh man i'm giving that less i'm giving that a one oh really less yeah okay this person's name is slay queen okay neat uh they start off with their instagram handle which i'm not gonna read out and say, anything you want to know, simply ask, wink. I don't bite.

On 5-6, half nerd, half life of the party. Flip a coin and make a wish. What? How does the wish get made? Flip a coin and make a wish. But if it's the size you it's the wish is granted? I don't know. Is this person

some kind of like gin? Yeah. Or is that just like their catchphrase? Or is it like you flip a coin and you get either

the party half or the nerd half? Yeah. And then you have to wish based on that? I'm like the nerd can't do a party wish. You waste it. But the party one can't do a nerd wish either. So you have to wish based on that. I'm like the nerd can't do a party wish. You waste it.

But the party one can't do a nerd wish either. So you got to be careful. Do you have to make the wish before you flip? What is happening? I don't know. But you know what? Other than that, I don't hate it. No, it's perplexing, but in all the right ways.

Yeah. I mean, like this is the this is what i would call a good profile because i would specifically be like what the fuck is up with this flip a coin thing yeah i would have to go almost simply for that yeah like i would have some things to talk about yes and it's and it's a great yeah i don't have a problem with this it's it's the it's the weird kind of right i'm gonna give it a seven i was gonna say seven yeah because here's the thing it's like it I'm going to give it a seven. I was going to say seven. Yeah, because here's the thing. It's like it doesn't turn me off.

It's not checking all my boxes, but it's enough to make me be like, I would like more information. Yeah, I want more information. I think that would be the make or break. And that's all you need. That's all you need from online dating, right? If there's something there, if there's a spark to make you want to contact that person then you've done your job i do prefer when it's a little bit more natural or sensical because it's mostly what the fuck and what does that mean and where did it come from but hey i'm still there this is chris humanity is kind of like a privileged cis bro we should beat it fuck it and leave it to die oh kinkier

than your victorian era great-grand grandparents i eat z plants so dead animal displays are a hard no includes fish you fucks hella polyamorous with only the very best playing persona grata in my life you best bring your a game to the dance punk rock spelt r a wk which already that's a red flag how old is this person 34 punk rock warlord and the intersectional feminist killjoy hedonistic witchy little cunt interested in deep connectivity and meaning of life shit. That first punk rock was like someone sucker punched me right in the gut. And then she followed up with what she started

her profile with and left me for dead. Yeah, it's like It's like someone cut open someone's MSN. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, you know, 14-year-old teenage girl

who just learned a bunch of fucking buzzwords and threw it in a time machine. Yeah. Like, calling yourself a killjoy, never fun. Interested in deep connectivity and meaning of life shit yeah but then you also said that you believe that people should be beaten and left to die that's a hey that's a great open it grabs you let's just i'm joking it's terrible let's parse the fucking order she put it in she said beaten then fucked and then left for dead yeah which means you've been beaten so much that you will die at which point you're

being fucked in the interim yeah yeah anyway it's just like that much fucking negativity and that much like look how edgy i am yeah it just rakes of insecurity and like just everything i don't want to deal with. All the things she said, I don't necessarily have a problem with. Polyamory? Great. Intersectional feminist? Cool. I'm all for all those things. Even making fun of cisgender white men.

Hell yeah. We do it all the time. But at the same time, it's like she put herself in the right direction and then overshot so far that you just seem like an asshole. And also, I'm going to bet that every single thing that they claim here is incorrect. I'll bet they've never talked about anything deep, any meaning of life stuff. They probably don't want any deep connectivity.

They probably think that like. So 41 are punk rock. Yeah, the fucking, you know, acoustic album by Rise Against is the epitome of punk. Hell yeah. No, honestly, this seems like just a Gatling gun full of red flags shooting down a small corridor. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it so much. All right, and the last one.

This is Jessica. I'm back. Oh, no. I was going gonna say i i like jessica's jessica's are amongst some of my favorite people okay i'm gonna start writing i'm i hate it i'm back terrible personality horrible pussy don't even bother you want me to do it again I'm back terrible personality horrible pussy don't even bother

oh you know what 10 out of 10 right isn't it so good i love it yeah horrible pussy just don't even bother also i love the like i'm back like you know people are like damn where'd jessica go that's like okay well i's going to wrap us up. We have hit our quota of horrible P word, um, to quote Ben Shapiro. Oh God. Thank you very much for listening to this 98th episode of this podcast that

somehow we've done. No God, we got to start planning 100. Jesus. I know. Um, it's been a pleasure and it's always fun to do this for you and with you, Niall. Thank you.

If you have a question you want us to answer, please hit us up on any of our various means of communication. You can find us on Facebook at FCK Buddies Podcast. You can hit us up on Twitter at FCK underscore buddies. You can find us on email at F buddies podcast at gmail.com, or you can go to our website, which is plenty of beef.ca or F buddies podcast.com. And there's a little contact form. You can choose your agent name and we'll, we'll answer the question as soon as we can.

Oh, thank you to agent Valorant heart for all those tenders, by the way, because yes, a lot of these are from his personal collection. He's opened up his, by the way, because... Yes, a lot of these are from his personal collection. You're a true hero. He's opened up his cellar and cracked out some of the finest vintages for us. Some of these have been

aged, and it's delightful. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities, for their song Paper Stars. Now, do you have a sex writing for us? I know you're... Yeah, you know, a little quick one. A little quick one. And you'll see why that's a funny way for me to describe it in a second this is by stephen king oh good the body she inhabited was that of a woman

who had inherited millions but that was not known and didn't matter the scarf was white the edging blue and there was that same little breaking sense of pleasure as she sat in the backseat of the taxi and oblivious of the driver, held the scarf in one hand, looking at it fixedly, while her other hand crept up under her tweed skirt and beneath the leg band of her white panties, and that one long, dark finger

took care of the business that needed to be taken care of in a single, merciless stroke. Christ. single merciless stroke christ now is the business masturbation or was she up to something else i i can only assume so because this was in a sex writing forum i found it um there's no more context but like that's not how it works steven i mean it is if you're you know some sort of evil all-encompassing woman shapeshifter i don't know maybe she's maybe she's just that good at it after millions of years this seems like this is how ben shapiro thinks women masturbate just one single stroke

a small like it's just a slow top from bottom dry dry journey from top to bottom okay I feel like I can't remember what someone said oh was the update to horny milk this comes from pornhub user walk a lover and I think this is advice and a philosophical musings that will reach out to her walk a lover from pornhub says don't trust

people whose feelings change with time trust people whose feelings remain the same even when the time changes. Ooh, shit, man. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we have been your fuckbuckets.