F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 99 - Velvety Red Blossoming Delivery Truck

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Celebrate Episode 100 with us by sending in a short voice message to fbuddiespodcast[at]gmail.com! This week's train wreck of a title is the result of a terrible experiment cooked up by Niall.  Topics include a five minute conversation cap, appealing to white people, the most magical of Mikes, fanfiction discoveries, being TOO good, helping The Kid recover from a missed opportunity.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we are your fuck buddies, and welcome. And we're a podcast.

My computer is really trying hard to like, not let me podcast. Right now, a big thing. Has our beef with Lenovo finally like, blossomed into them actually sabotaging us? But now, like, now I keep getting things just being like, could your PC go faster? Could it? I don't know. I could scan right now. So should I tweet Lenovo right now and just say, fuck you?

Maybe. Maybe? No, I don't know, man. They make my computer. I don't know if they can hack into. Well, they're already doing it. That's the point. Okay, just finish the intro.

We're dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we take questions off the internets or off our dear listeners and we answer them for y'all. Well, you know what I've decided we should do? What? We pick the episode title right now and we shoehorn it in later. I mean, do we want to do this for episode 99? I feel like that's a season two thing. I feel like that's a 101 thing.

Season two starts today. Episode 99 is season two? Yeah. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to alternate. I'm going to choose an adjective. You do a noun, and then I'll do a verb. Okay. Here's, here's what we're going to do. We're going to alternate. I'm going to choose an adjective. You do a noun and then I'll do a verb. Okay.

Or we'll both do adjectives. Now verb. That way we both get two words in there. You know what I mean? Now do it. Do we want an article? I think that's the thing. Like a,

the. Depends. Yeah. We'll, we'll figure that out. I feel like that's something we can, we can do this first. Then we'll know if a, the or an app. Right. Yeah. So I we'll figure that out. I feel like that's something we can... Do the adjectives first, then we'll know if a the or an a.

Right, yeah. So I will do velvety. Sperm-ing. Velvety sperm. It's a verb. I really want to say blossoming, but that's also a verb. Okay, well then we'll count blossoming as your verb. So give me another adjective.

Red. And I need a noun. So I'll go with... That's a good noise. Okay, I'll go with delivery truck. Red velvety delivery truck blossoming? Or the blossoming Red velvet delivery truck Okay alright

So that's what we're gonna work towards This is gonna test and you can't just say it It has to make sense Yeah like all the things we say On this podcast it'll make sense No but you know what I mean like you can't just be like You know what else would be really helpful in this situation A red velvet blossoming pickup truck

You can probably hear a fucking delivery truck in the background. That's literally why I said it. Oh, goddammit. This is by user The Art of Ignorance. Partner uses her phone timer to limit my talking to five minutes. Oh, man. oh man what a cool life that guy's living oh you wait today was an interesting day

i visited a local cafe the kitchen staff hadn't cleaned the grill properly i ended up with minor chemical burns to my mouth and lips the police and ambulance were called while relating this story to my girlfriend of three months she opened the ambulance were called. While relating this story to my girlfriend of three months, she opened the timer on her phone and said, you have five minutes, and started the timer. I was a bit stunned and lost for words in the moment, so I made a lame joke and laughed it off, but it really bothered me that she was so dismissive. Any tips on setting a boundary in a healthy way? My gut reaction is that this is indefensible. Uh, I mean, I would love to know what this guy,

or is it a dude? Yes, I believe so. I would love to know what his stories are like, because maybe she's trying to help you be more concise, because maybe you trying to tell what's happened usually takes fucking half an hour, and nobody cares. But I mean, that's me reaching this is a

crazy thing to do to someone well like in general like i love that you were laughing already you know at the title but like he got chemical burns to his face to a degree that both the police and ambulance were called and she's like oh you get five minutes i guess this again i mean how often does this happen to this guy i can only imagine that it has never happened because this seems like a pretty rare thing but hey who knows maybe he got cursed again by some kind of spite witch at which point his curse is that every time he goes to a cafe he gets minor chemical burns to his face is your girlfriend like a senator or something where they're used to only having you know a certain amount of time to get their point across and or just like a primo like debater like maybe

they grew up with like debaters disease where it's like they always think they're in a debate and you're in the middle they're like excuse me rebuttal could could you cite a source please for those chemical burns my my mouth is falling off the police were there could you cite a source sir or sit down your time is up what happened to five minutes like does she just walk away uh your burnt face sorry i uh bye i say run i yeah i mean like this might have just been a bad joke that you know maybe she thought you would get i don't know but i would definitely like talk to her about it don't like i can't imagine that in any world if amanda pulled this shit on me like just one day was like

oh you're gonna tell me about work. Cool. You have five minutes. Go. I would immediately be like, what the fuck is this about? Yeah. I'm the kind of person that you probably need to do this to. And even I would find it offensive. It's just like,

especially like something as like important as this. Like, you know, if I came home injured, I would hope that someone, yeah, I would hope that the person that's supposed to care about me wants to hear about what happened. Yeah. That's the thing.

Like in any situation, this is fucked up in this situation in particular. It's like, well, that's like, this is, this isn't just like your average day. Like his faces is so badly hurt.

The police were involved. I just don't know. In reality, you, you a 100% need to be like, hey, that was super rude and dismissive of something that I felt was very important and something that I wanted to share and talk to you about. And to give me a limit on how much I can talk to you

seems incredibly dismissive of the foundation of every good relationship which is communication yeah like just be like hey i was very confused you did that the other day do you want to explain why because like at the time i was so kind of taken aback i didn't even bring it up so i kind of want to discuss it now because like if we can't talk if you don't give a shit about what i say like this relationship isn't going to go anywhere. And like Dane said, maybe it is just a bad example of a joke. Like maybe you were like,

I had the worst day ever. And she was like, lol, is it as bad as like, it's just gotten worse or some shit. Like maybe she was trying to play off that and did it really badly. I don't know. Definitely worth the conversation.

But if, if she doesn't immediately go, oh, I'm sorry. And like, you you know to like agree to not do it again it's probably a run away and like nurse your mouth back to health without her yeah it's definitely one of those things where it's being like like if she has any other reason other than like oh i'm sorry like i didn't mean to offend you if there's any if it's just like

even if it's something that's like oh i was busy and i didn't really have offend you. If there's any, if it's just like, even if it's something that's like, ah, I was busy and I didn't really have time to listen to your story. Yeah. Because like, there are better ways to communicate that. Yes. That they should listen anyway. And also this isn't just like a random story.

Like this is something pretty big that happened to you. Yeah. Like, you know, if she was out like running up the door, cause she was late for work, she could have easily just been like, Hey'm really sorry that happened i would love to hear more about it but i gotta go i'm sorry you know what i mean like any sort of explanation as to why

you know you only had five minutes to talk other than just being like here's your five minutes go yeah it's terrible yeah so you really need to have a chat and sort that shit out, because you cannot have a relationship like that. Especially, again, in such a dramatic situation. But again, even if it was nothing, that's super rude and dismissive. And unless they are some kind of secret agent with five minutes and 15 seconds to disarm a bomb, and they'll give you that five minutes, which I think is a compliment in that situation. Yeah. Otherwise, no.

Get out. Get out. Get it. So I have a user question. Woo! And before I say anything, I just want to say that she picked her agent name. Perfect.

And it is Agent Peking Duck. Okay. She says, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and we've just started seeing each other again regularly after the lockdown. I'm Chinese, and he's white. In a few weeks, we're supposed to head up to his cottage with his family

that I've never met before. I've been warned that his family is super white, and while they're very sweet people, they may have less than woke, or they may say less than woke things. What are some tips to fit in with the white crowd and to avoid any awkward racial stuff i feel like you're you could be uh you know because you are currently dating a woman who is not white you've been in this position how did you how did

you fit in well when they say annoying things like oh you can't handle spice white person you just laugh it off and move on but it never it never ends it never stops yeah like for me honestly it's like you know it i could choose to get annoyed about that i guess but like it doesn't really matter you know what i mean it's like you know i'm sure there are a lot of white people that can't handle spice and also it's not like they mean it in a bad way it's mainly either a joke or actually like comes from a caring place where they're worried that like the food is too hot and i'm like it's cool you know yeah um i think it's easier being a white person these situations because 100 you know if they're like uh any joke you're kind of like, well, we do suck a little bit.

So I get it. Yeah. And like if if the worst we ever have to deal with is someone being like, do you want more mayonnaise for your sandwich? Yeah. It's like, yeah, I'll take that. That's that's fine. Yeah. I feel like, again, depending on the situation, like if you have something to return fire with you know what

i mean because hopefully if anything comes up it'll be either joking or not serious you know what i mean and like then you could just be like oh what sorry did you want more mayo or you know that could be good but again it kind of depends on who the people are and what they're uh like what their sense of humor is like and where it comes from. Yeah. And she's assured me that she doesn't think these people are going to be racist towards her. At least not overtly. I think it's more like a concern of like, oh, where are you from? Kind of situation. You know what I mean?

Just because she's not white, they're going to ask where she's from. And it's sort of like the subtle layered racism yeah honestly i think like for me a big thing is like to just like to know like and it seems like she's already done that it's like if you know it's going to come from a good place and it's not like actually like you know abrasive or mean or cruel or anything. It's like, you can just roll with it. Cause a lot of the time people do, they do mean well, like, you know what I mean? So it's like, if someone's like, where are you from? You can be like, oh, like, you know, Toronto or whatever, but like, you know, oh, my, my

family's from whatever, or just be like, oh, Toronto. And just like, that'll be it. Hopefully, you know what I mean? Yeah. Um, I feel like just like being very matter of fact and like, you know, not, not being afraid to like stand your ground,

not necessarily being like combative, but like, you know, to be confident in your answers and like, you know, don't, don't just like make answers you think will appease people, you know?

Um, I would also talk to your boyfriend and be like, Hey, thanks for giving me the heads up. I need to know you got my back. Yeah. So that if things get uncomfortable, I would also talk to your boyfriend and be like, hey, thanks for giving me the heads up. I need to know you got my back. So that if things get uncomfortable, you'll either whisk me away or sort of be like, hey, that's not cool.

Yeah, because there's nothing worse than if something does go too far or someone's whatever, you having to be like, hold up, and then turn around and hope that they're, you know, and not really know what the reaction is. And for those seconds, you're completely by yourself, right? And you're doing this risky, terrifying thing with people you've probably been hoping to impress all weekend. So I think maybe like, it might be dramatic, but like set up a little code be like, and you can even do it jokingly. Just like, cool, we're

gonna this is gonna be our word if shit gets weird, be like, and you can even do it jokingly. Just be like, cool. We're going to, this is going to be our word. If, if shit gets weird or like, this is going to be our, let's go regroup or like, there's a problem like scenario. Right.

And like, you're also in the danger territory of like being a woman as well, where it's like, Oh, she's really sensitive. You know what I mean? Yeah. Alternatively.

So there's a game that a very good friend of mine at work likes to play, and it's called What Kind of Asian Am I? And it's a game that she plays with the new trainees specifically to make them uncomfortable. And yeah, and she just she just opens up with like she'll be in the middle of like training someone And she'll be like, oh, hey, what kind of Asian am I? What kind of Asian do you think I am? And nine times out of ten, people are like, I don't know. And I think that might be something to have in your back pocket. Come in hard and fast? Yeah, just come in guns blazing

you know what i mean if things if someone does pull the like oh where are you from i'm from toronto nah but like where where are you from be like oh turn on them yeah where do you think i'm from what kind of asian do you think i am and just say it real loud you know what i mean like obviously don't scream it but like say it loud enough that like everyone at the group could be like oh oh yikes because then it's like it's fun it shows that you're having a good time but it's also a very cool way of being like well you've you you open this door here it is walk on through my man the only downside is if you do get someone who like really doesn't get it they're gonna be like well your eyes are on this degree of a slit yeah there's always the danger that you get someone who who is just like oh he's gonna he's gonna like engage with that too much you know yeah

um alternatively you can just fucking throw on mr brightside by the killers and then oh yeah put on like fucking bohemian rhapsody and like you don't have to worry about them for nine minutes little cotton eye joe oh my god put cotton eye joe as your ringtone and like every time things get weird just like pretend you're getting a call and play it and i'm like damn and like well their foot tapping they're not to be asking any racist shit. Yeah. Just accidentally have a... Just constantly put on the fucking hip. Because if there's one thing fucking white Canadian people love, it's the tragically hip.

It's true. Especially now that Gord Downie's dead. You literally... You could not say anything. Even if they don't like the tragically hip, I think they legally are obliged to. I was about to say something about the Tragically Hip and now I won't

what are you going to say now? I'm not from here as a white Canadian citizen what are you going to say about Tragically Hip? I'm not from here so I never grew up with them and I didn't really ever listen to them in fact I pretty much haven't I only probably know about one or two

songs and I never understood the hype because I never grew up with them and I was never really exposed to them. Well, aren't you lucky because my bar plays literally has like a hip song either back to back or like every other song.

Wait, what are you saying, Dane? As a white, straight Canadian male? I'm saying it's not enough hit. Good. I thought you were going to lose us, straight, Canadian male. I'm saying it's not enough hit. Good. I thought you were going to lose us, all of our listeners. All right, hit us with the next one. No, it's my guy.

It's your turn. God damn. Okay. Throwaway for very obvious reasons. I'm so embarrassed. My husband of six years found fan fiction that I write. Oh, no. It's erotic as all get out. Downright smugly even. Of course it is.

I calmly explained I started writing it when I was a preteen. Not erotic then of course but it's always been a habit. I guess I just enjoy being able to have a creative outlet without having to make characters or worry about world building. It's fun for me and I get a lot of positive comments about my writing. He is not

having it. He says it's like me being unfaithful if I'm writing about sexual things with men that aren't him. I feel really confused because it's not like I'm making them be with me. It may be original characters occasionally, but I certainly am not going to be running off with a video game character anytime soon. I told him I even used to get paid by people to write fanfiction. I bought myself a nice new coat with the money years ago. Now I feel like I can't do something I enjoy anymore. Or that I have to do it in secret. Which feels wrong.

I feel like a pervert and a weirdo. Even though everything I've written has been consensual stuff between adult characters. We were both huge gamers, so I didn't even think this would be an issue. I could be getting paid to write fanfiction? I guess. Who pays? I don't know. But I would do that. I would write any fanfiction that you wanted. Who pays? I don't know, but I would do that.

I would write any fanfiction that you wanted. Alright, well, no. No, Dane. Let's not put something on you that you don't want to do. What would you want to write? What would be your fanfiction? What would get your loin motors purring? Hmm.

I don't know, to be honest. I'm not really part of a fandom really of any sort and i feel like that's sort of like step one of fan fiction is to be like so heavily invested i mean like community uh yeah maybe some new girl fan fiction didn't we read some out that one episode i think so it's pretty terrible but yeah i it's weird because i automatically assume fan fiction is like cartoon based like i rarely think of like real live actors really all i think about when i think of fan fiction is harry potter i yeah that's true i also think of um i think of harry potter as well because of that one. That one famous one. Yeah.

But, okay. So, I think there's two big troubling things here. One, it doesn't sound like she's writing it about herself. It's not like she's in this world fucking Dumbledore. Right? It sounds like Dumbledore and Harry are fucking. And that's what... Obviously, probably not that, because she does say consensual and he is a child.

And yeah, she does say adult. Yeah, so... Could be dead Dumbledore and adult Harry. Or dead Dumbledore and alive Dumbledore. Ooh. Shit. There we go. We found your niche. Yeah, there it is. I'm going to write

erotic fanfiction about dead characters fucking their still living character. Oh, man. It could be called Dumblemore. Yeah, I think the idea of him being like, you're cheating on me because you're writing fan fiction is wrong. Just it's it's completely ludicrous even again even if it was her like even if she wrote these things and it was her in these you know fan fiction things like what would the difference really be it's just fucking words that's the thing it's like i'm i like does this guy not have fantasies about does he not watch porn i'm sure he does does he not watch a movie and be like damn you know

what i mean like i highly believe or highly doubt that he's watching you know any you know the avengers and isn't sort of like you know ogling scarlett johansson and her skin tight leather cat suit you know what i mean it's like yeah i'm like when you're watching porn you're not like you're not like wow look at those people fucking at no point you know are you not going i would like to have sex right now with with those people yeah you know uh or in that situation or whatever like so that it's all fantasy based it's all you imagining and like this is so ridiculous because like at this point it's like thought policing because there's really no difference between her imagining all of these scenarios to her transcribing them or putting them like in concrete words. There's like there's no difference.

Yeah. I would I would be a little bit more hesitant if all of her stories involved her, you know, like a first person accounts of her as having sex with, I'd be like, okay, I think maybe we need to talk about that. But why? But yeah, but like,

I don't even see it. It's like, you said that it's like, you're right. Like I, I have no, I have no problem with any of this. You know,

if you were doing like first hand accounts of you, like fucking people, you knew that would be weird. I think. Yeah. You know what I mean? Still wouldn't be even if it was like weird stuff. Like, like you said, that would be weird, I think. Sure, yeah. You know what I mean? Still wouldn't be cheating. Even if it was weird stuff,

like you said, like kids or non-consensual stuff, any sort of that stuff, yeah. Totally different situations. Even if it was her in these things, it's just her writing, you know what I mean? I don't understand the issue. I do feel sad that she never opened up about this when it's been something she's done since she was a pre-teen and still does so it's obviously

like important to her and she's married this guy had been married to this guy for six years that's shitty like i think that's that's an indication that's not a strong relationship like if you're doing this in secret behind their back because presumably you're ashamed of it, or you think they're going to react badly, which sucks because clearly they're reacting badly. Or it could just be something for her. You know what I mean? Like, this could be her, like, form of masturbation. I guess. I guess.

You know what I mean? Because, like, I don't invite Amanda to watch me jerk off or let her know that. Yeah, I guess. It would be kind of weird to be like, hey, just a heads up. I know you're making lunch, but this is the porn I like. Okay, bye. Yeah. So this could have just been her own sort of thing.

And then I would love to know how he found it. Yeah. I also just think it's like, you know, the only reason I i could find out i could imagine that this was an issue is if she was like hey you can't look at porn you can't whatever like if they had like a relationship ban on porn or something and then it turned out that she was doing this i could understand why he's upset because he'd be like yeah you're being a hypocrite you know what i mean like uh that is the only way i could see this being reasonable from his point of view otherwise i think it's just uh insecurity it's like he's worried that like

she's more sexual than he knows or she's sexual on her own terms and he feels threatened by that yeah and it's like that weird bullshit machismo of being like i'm with someone and they are not allowed to find anyone but me attractive yeah and it's like it's such a like stupid thing to think is is reality because like again there's no one alive i mean i'm using broad terms because asexual people exist um but like if you're like if you're in a relationship people don't stop being attractive no you know what i mean like you can still register attraction to other people yeah it's not like you know like if people just turned off like seeing people who are attractive or whatever actors would be fucked right like oh this actor's doing really well but then i guess people above a certain age they're

all they're dating damn no one likes him anymore like that is no one cares shit 90 of most marketing in movies nowadays being like hey look how look at our attractive lead character i mean fuck the magic mike movies yeah that was like that they didn't need a fucking plot you know what i mean yeah like they never even bring up his magic in the whole fucking movie not once do you realize that he's magic yeah it's so dumb they even like they actually cut it off before he even gets to wizard school like can you fucking believe that but it still did well and then it did so well they were like you know what let's put off the wizard school to the third fucking movie because i don't think it even came up in the second one no 100 honestly like i'm pretty sure he does like he's doing like sparks and stuff he's doing like a little fire magic

yeah but still i don't know like i would love oh man there's nothing i would want more in this world than if the third magic mike movie was him actually going to wizard's guild i'll be they all actually did have magic powers that would probably be the best-selling movie of all time and the only movie that would top it is magic mike 4 where they do a fast and furious crossover holy shit or a crossover with uh remember at the end of 22 jump street they had like all those buck wild like sequels where it's like them in space and then i can like all that imagine if they did because chenning tanum is also in that movie where he played both magic mike by someone he's not just so he's fake no magic mike magic mike's not real now we can't

hurt you oh thank god i bought so bought so much warding, so many magic crystals to protect me from his dark magics. Yeah, you gotta talk to your husband. You gotta be like, yo, this is ridiculous. And like, you can bolster your statement if, for example, he watches porn or if, for example, you know, all these things. And if

it is a relationship where you are like banning him from watching porn or whatever, then you kind of gotta realize you're being a little hypocritical. Also realize that is super unhealthy. Yeah. We talked about that. That's another thing. But we've mentioned that before.

Yeah. So you guys need a whole jealousy, insecurity talk and just fucking work through it. This comes from ThatShinyCharizard123. I got dumped for being too good to her. Is that bullshit? I've been told by a fairly reliable source that the reason my girlfriend dumped me was because I was being too good to her. IDK, but that sounds like bullshit to me. Isn't being good to her a good thing?

Would someone really leave me for that reason? Or are they letting me down easy because they're afraid to hurt my feelings? Like I'm not already a mental wreck. What do you guys think? Is that at all plausible? Oh, 50 50 on this one well no because i've definitely heard people be like oh he was like too nice or like he was just so like thoughtful or like literally even in work the other day someone was like oh i was hanging out with this person like they're just being like nice and like kind of shit i just wanted to to whatever. I don't want to hear blah blah blah. And I was like, okay.

That sounds kind of shitty, but whatever. But on the other hand, it might just be a kind letdown. Is that a kind letdown? They probably think it is. It depends what the real reason is, right? You would think that if you wanted to let them down

and be like, sorry, I'm not good enough for you. For them to be like, you're being too good to me. I don't know. To me, that's a crazy thing to say to someone. It's a completely and utterly crazy thing to say to somebody. I think anybody who... If there's an issue, sure. But I don't ever think the issue is that you're too good to somebody.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like maybe it's like something else is happening and that's the way you're phrasing it. But like, if you're just like, Oh, this person is good to me.

Like that's fucked up. You know how much you hate yourself that you're like, can't have it. Um, in reality, there are people who do self-sabotage like that. There are people who don't think they deserve, you know

someone who treats them well so it could also be that it unfortunately this is one of those things where like you're not going to get closure you know what i mean like you are not going to get a straight answer yeah that's the thing it's like you can't really fall into the trap of looking for one because like i don't think you're going to get it from yourself or from them you're definitely not not going to get it from us. We don't know the context. We don't know the person. We don't know what happened. I think the only thing you can do is like, look back on what you did in the relationship. And like, maybe like, were you overbearing? Were you kind of like stepping in when maybe you shouldn't or like before you should, or like too soon, you know what I mean? Like if you guys just started dating and all of a sudden you're like filling out their applications for college

when they didn't ask you to and like you know what i mean like maybe maybe there was a mismatch in terms of like closeness like did you jump into the relationship way too too much because like these are ways i could maybe see somebody being like oh you're too good to me or whatever um so like have a look at what you did and try and be honest with yourself and if you were overbearing or something maybe try and correct that next time but if you were just a good person fuck it that's a them problem move on and and don't let that make you try to be an asshole in your next relationship because guess what that's not gonna fucking work that was exactly my point like that's why i wanted to bring this in is like, don't let this

make you feel like the only way to have a successful relationship is to not be good to your partner. Because that's that is not the the solution. That's definitely not the lesson to be learned here. No, I don't necessarily know what the lesson is in this situation. I think what you could take away is what now kind of just said is like, take a good, honest reflection and look back at the relationship and see how you've behaved in it. If you realize that like, yeah, you were just treating her well.

And for whatever reason, she wasn't into it, then sucks, but you've done nothing wrong. Or like I said, if you did do something or you were overbearing or were sort of like a little too much now you know that you've taken the time to reflect and that's something you can put in your back pocket for your next relationship but do not be like well girls don't like nice guys

so i guess i'm gonna be a dick yeah that is literally the worst thing to take out from this like just don't do that um again like i almost want to say like don't change what you're doing like keep being nice blah blah but like i did want to give that caveat just in case they are being kind about you maybe being like because you know the way there's a difference between being a nice guy and being a nice guy yeah you know that's that's what i was gonna say it's like the fucking dude who drove his van through a bunch of women in toronto claimed he was a nice guy yeah yeah i mean and it's like hey those don't go together no murder and and nice guy it's not the same thing yeah well it's like the whole like the subreddit like nice guys yeah you know um and like that's the thing. There's a difference between being like genuine and nice and being like performative and like weirdly like, oh, like cloying, you know?

So like, if that's the case, you know, have a look at what you've done and maybe try and fix it somewhat. And if it isn't, do not at all take, because a lot of people take this route where they think gotta be an asshole. Don't do it. It's going gonna be the worst sabotage ever and the thing is like that that could quote unquote work but what you'll end up with is someone who's dealing with self-esteem issues and dealing with like more things on their end who thinks that they're not good enough to be treated well and you're essentially just going to end up turning into like an abusive partner yeah that's the thing like if even if it

works it doesn't work yeah like relationships are they should be healthy and they should be mutually supportive and good like that that's kind of just like a hard and fast rule yeah if someone's hanging around because you treat them poorly that's not good no that's not a successful relationship even if you are in a relationship and are happy in it if the only reason or like the only way you guys can stay in a relationship and be quote-unquote happy is because you're abusing your partner whether it's emotionally or mentally or whatever then then it's not a good relationship and i i feel more crazy for having to say that yeah but like it's so fucking common yeah you know so just please don't fall down that trap don't do it you know and but again a nice guy but don't be a nice guy yeah and i've actually

seen people like end relationships with people who would be very good for them and are you know good people and are nice to them and purely because i guess they feel like they don't deserve it or they can't handle it or they're just not used to it i don't really know but i've seen it and it's like that that could be that could have happened you could have been perfectly fine and they just weren't ready for someone who treats them well and that's not a you problem you know no no in fact thank your fucking blessings that you're out of that because that would just really gone badly. You would have been punished then for being good.

So just move on. Or just wasted more time. Yeah, exactly. So move on. Find somebody who actually is ready to have a real relationship. This is ma765ck underscore. Is there any way to come back from a missed opportunity? Hi all, much appreciation to the entire community.

Advice is sound and honest, which is why I'm writing. I went to drinks with friends last Friday. There were a couple of girls, one in particular, where I think she was interested in the kid. She kept eye contact with me for longer than I thought was really necessary, unless she was trying to prove a point. After drinks, her and I met up at McDonald's. She jumped in my car and got a couple of burgers.

After the burgers, we listened to music. Sat there talking for half an hour. Within that half an hour, I'm sure she wanted me to make a move, but I didn't because I'm a pussy. We parted ways and exchanged a few dry texts since then. I'm thinking of asking her out to drink sometime this week. Like I said before, I appreciate the community and honest advice. Give it to the kid straight. Can I come back from this with this girl, or just

move on and not be a pussy next time? I mean, the only advice I want to give this guy is stop calling yourself the kid. Right? What the fuck's wrong with you? I had to reread the first part because I was like, wait, which kid is she interested to? And then when I got to the end, I the end i was like oh god yeah that's the best advice we can give just and then like alternatively you have her number it seemed to have gone well yeah it didn't

do anything stupid yet other than self call yourself the kid so ask her out yeah that's the thing it's like i love how it's like he's going to come back from this it's like nothing went wrong yeah like you're good you got her fucking number you talked like you didn't do anything wrong you know like sure maybe you didn't fucking like you know fuck her on the first date you know what i mean like you didn't get that f close i'm assuming this is seduction it is yes yeah you know what i mean on the first date. You know what I mean? Like you didn't get that F close. I'm assuming this is seduction. It is. Yes.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like just because you didn't get like, you know, the weird fucking like pickup artist signs of success. Yeah. Doesn't mean it wasn't a success. You seem to have had a good connection with her. You had good chats.

You seem to have not overstepped any boundaries. You're fine. Yeah, you're totally fine. Chances are, you not following any of the seduction bullshit is probably the best thing that you did that night. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, you run the risk here. If you were unsure enough that you didn't go through with it,

it's like either, one, you're right, in which case, that's cool, you picked up on signals and she probably really appreciates that. Or two, you missed an opportunity, at which point, no one's going to be like, well, that was it, his one shot shot he's a pussy i'm out and if they are you don't want to hook up with them anyway yeah you know so it's win win win just don't be weird don't call yourself the kid and uh just fucking you'll be fine yeah yeah just like ask her up for drinks yeah also the fact that she got a couple of burgers makes

me think she's awesome so hell yeah just fucking crushing burgers in your car go for it man she sounds cool also get a seduction you seem to be doing just fine my man just just ride your wave and just you know drop the fucking kid thing. I love the worst for you. I don't know, man. Maybe that's his thing. Hey,

yeah. Maybe that's the only reason why he got her in the car. Yeah. Maybe it was like, Hey, you want to jump in the car with the kid and get some burgers? Oh yeah. I honestly thought the start was like, he was calling his dick,

the kid, like, so girl, like she might be interested in the kid. I'm, I'm spiraling right now because I'm starting to fall in love with the kid. so girl like she might be interested in the kid i'm i'm spiraling right now because i'm starting to fall in love with the kid i'm starting i'm starting to change my mind on calling yourself the kid in fact i might start doing it oh god but i like what kind of car do you think he has

probably like a honda civic like a honda accord yeah i don't know i'm imagining it's like something sultry right they're just crushing burgers in there. They're sitting there like, you know, it's got to be spacious as well. Yeah. It's like a Volkswagen Jetta. I don't know. I was thinking maybe it'd be like a blossoming red velvet delivery truck. Nothing's more sexual than red velvet.

Well, you did it. We were running out of space. I don't know. I had to go with it, Dane. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I was trying to give you did it. We were running out of space. I don't know. I had to go with it, Dane. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I was trying to give you the prompt.

I honestly forgot that we were doing that. Yeah, me too. Okay, I'm going to read out a very quick one just because we're not even going to discuss it, I don't think. I just want to read the first comment. Girl I'm talking to only says that's fun. Talking to girl right now, friend of friend from college. We tell each other about our days without even asking, which I find kind of nice. However, her responses have always been similar and it throws me off.

I'll text her something cool or interesting I did during the day and she'll say that's fun. Or that sounds like a lot of fun. This even goes for things she does. She'll say I did whatever today. It was fun. Just kind of makes the hearts of a free flowing conversation when everything is summed up to fun. Is there some kind of signal here I should be getting, or am I overthinking it,

or does this girl just have a weak vocabulary? First comment, she won't fulfill you. Damn, okay. Solid advice. All right, are you ready for... Oh, you know it. You know I am. All right, I got some juicy ones this week.

Thank you to everybody who sent them in. We got some Agent Valorant heart just coming out strong again. We got some sent in all the way from Ireland. It's great. We got some. Okay. You ready for this? Yep.

I'm going to read it out. You give me a rating, then we're going to discuss. Okay. This is from Tay. Yes, I'm real. Like, out. You give me a rating, then we're going to discuss. Okay. This is from Tay. Yes, I'm real. Like, just about to cry face. I have big boobs and make awesome smoothies. What the fuck else do you need to know?

If you have low standards, then oh baby, I'm the girl for you. Let me ruin your life. I'm going to do 4 out of 10. I appreciate the, I appreciate the aggression. What the fuck else do you need to know? Yeah, I mean, I was into that. That seemed fun. You know what I mean?

Yeah, they ruined it. With the let me ruin your life bit. It's so fucking cliche and so fucking trashy, but like not in a good way it's just sort of like ugh yeah exactly like i i look at that and i get tired even just like if you have low standards on the girl for you it's like really like you're already like being shitty to yourself come on i mean i'm all for like self-deprecation you know i mean like that there's a difference between self-deprecation and like just gutter dragging you know yeah i just i it's a mix match of like what she's going for because she's like i got big boobs and make good smoothies that's all you need to know and then she's like i'm low stand it's like well you're riding two waves

right now yeah either like go with the like all that confidence being like that's all you need to know let's do it or like the self-depreciation it's weird it's like starts out confident then it goes self-depreciating then it gets weird and trashy let me read your life yeah like i that phrase it's just like the biggest turnoff for me now yeah well here's another one. So this is just a hinge snapshot. We'll get along if you know who the boss is. It's Tony Danza, right? I assume they're referring to themselves. Oh, I thought they were talking about... Oh, you know what?

Who's the boss? Is the boss Bruce Springsteen? Oh, shit. Maybe, yeah. Maybe she's talking about. Oh, I thought they were talking about themselves, but they did capitalize the the and the boss. And I guess the person who sent it to me also thought that, unless they really hate Bruce Springsteen. That's interesting.

Because I was like, I hate that. You know, oh, you know I'm the boss. Like, you'll know who the boss is. Like, I think that's a pretty shitty thing to say in your hinge profile yeah maybe she's just a maybe she's a fucking springsteen head that could be it okay you know what i'm taking it back i'm giving that a five i'm giving it a five because it's it's unclear yes it's ambiguous but maybe maybe it's there to spark conversation yeah okay i Okay, I take it back. That one's not as bad as I thought.

This is one from Ireland. This is a certain Orla. One thing I'll never do again. Give a Balinese man my passport for a week if he pays for me and my friend's ferry to an island. Huh. Why would he need her passport for a week? And how much was the ferry?

Ferries are usually very cheap. Yeah. And like, passports are not. No. They're a pain in the ass to fucking, you know, replace. And if you're traveling, you're fucked if you lose it. Yeah, but also like, people steal them and can sell them. But again, there's no benefit for just having it for a week unless

he's just jerking off to it yeah or like he needed like a copy of one so that he could like make a replica yeah or like a template defraud the shit out of you i mean yeah like i don't i can't i i don't know i don't even like what's your rating i'm giving it like a two because i don't know. What's your rating? I'm giving it like a 2 because I don't care. All I know is that... I'd look at that and be like, I don't care about this. And I'd say no. This person makes bad decisions.

I feel like if I was 18, maybe I'd be like, that's sick. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm like, wow, you clearly make bad decisions. Please respect government documents god we're old this is by evian and you know they're good when they're named after water bfa graduate intelligent and talented creative i'm a dominant person interested in submissive men who prefer female-led relationships an ideal match is with someone who is generous with the willingness to spoil serve serve, and submit. but like you shouldn't be submissive in your needs in a relationship exactly like if it was

like a a female-led relationship in the bedroom or something like great that's fucking fine but like i don't know how you do that overall in a relationship so it's either bad phrasing or they want a toxic relationship i think that's that's my only concern with that is is that there is sort of like this idea that she will do whatever she wants and this dude is sort of like along for the ride yeah you shouldn't be like a second class citizen in your own relationship no but otherwise i'm all for you know a female dominance thing great sure go for it yeah otherwise at least like it seems clear i'm like concise and you know that's cool at least they're like getting concise, and that's cool. At least they're

getting out what they want. Yeah. I'm sure she's having a hard time. This one is hard to read, so let me see if I can do it this way. Vegan slash angry feminist slash Buddhist slash cyclist slash biophiliac armchair anthropologist living in an armchair. 5'1", Polish-Canadian, seeking all sorts of connections. I like most things vintage and walks in the cemetery. I hug trees and talk to birds and shit. It's nice. No fascists, no commies, no Jordan Peterson fans. I'll punch y'all. And then, in capitals, please don't be boring i walk through the minds of moria ago on a wednesday a wednesday j store and chill what's j store j store is like the uh online like academic

like deposit repository so you can like go and find like articles and shit if you were like writing an essay like some of the language i'm not crazy about but overall i'm not super against it i think i'd give it a five yeah it's not offensive it's kind of a bit much it's like you're throwing a lot of stuff there it's like it's almost like too much to focus on yeah i'm i'm always worried when like things like this come up i'm worried if like oh is this is this your personality like do you just sort of like lean on these descriptors and that's sort of like all you have to offer like like do you hinge on the fact that you're an angry feminist or whatever the phrase was it's like yeah because that's exhausting you know what i mean like i'm all for being a

feminist and i'm all for you know know, being angry about social issues. But if like, if your whole steez is just like, I'm an angry feminist and that's who I am. A hundred percent of the time, 24 seven. It's like, all right.

Like that's, if you can't be angry and be a feminist while also being a person, you know what I mean? That's, that's not great. Um, yeah, it's,

it's just, there's so much shit there and it's kind of great. Yeah, it's just there's so much shit there, and it's kind of bland. Yeah, for someone who's like, please don't be boring. It's like you're kind of using just like the most basic building blocks of like edgy. You know what I mean? Like you're sort of like the like this is the first time we've read a fucking profile. It's like, oh, you like vintage things and cemeteries. Cool. That's real original yeah that's a real neat fucking you know 14 year old myspace

account description you have right like i don't care are you also like into photography this is sarah if you haven't read hundreds of books you are functionally illiterate and you will be incompetent because your personal experiences alone aren't broad enough to sustain you wow sarah that's a powerful entrance onto the tinder stage yeah that is like she came in hours before and sort of like unscrewed the door hinges just so that in you know two hours time she can come in and just kick that fucking thing right off the goddamn hinges that's what this comment is i would love to know like is does she seek proof of your books yeah is there like a book report sort of thing where you kind of have to like do like a Coles notes for 100 books before you meet up with her?

Hey, how are you? How many books have you read? Yeah. And it's like you're not. She says you're functionally illiterate. Yep. Like that's what does that mean? So it is in quotes.

I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm not a big reader. I've definitely not read 100 books i consider myself a fairly smart dude you are like i don't think anyone talking to me or like hanging out with me would be like this motherfucker is functionally illiterate like there's no way he's read 100 books yeah um i have read hundreds and hundreds of books and because i read remarkably fast and like it doesn't mean shit it's not like i talked to him like these idiots they didn't read this

book i'm like no it's that's the dumbest shit also the irony is they're like your personal experiences alone aren't broad enough to sustain you it's like i'm gonna bet anybody who really feels a tie-in to this quote probably doesn't have much personal experiences. Especially if all they're doing is reading hundreds of books. Yeah, like I don't know what, it's not great. It's so aggressive. Here's the thing is, it works for me because I'd want to match with them and challenge them on this. Yeah, maybe that's

it but again i don't know if the relation the basis of a relationship is a good one is just start off with like a book spar that sounds great are we are we basing these profiles on whether or not you'd want to be in a relationship with them or would you swipe them we never specified that because i always thought it's like whether or not they get a swipe for me it's more like would you swipe them we never specified that because i always thought it's like whether or not they get a swipe for me it's more like would you want to meet this person for a drink or like you know would you want to either hook up with them or go out on a date with them because for me it's like some of them you swipe just for the kick of it just like because they're so bad and it's like yeah for me i don't see the picture so So I'm going on whether or not that's enough for me. Would I say yes to a conversation with this person? And I would.

With this person, I would. But you're doing it for a specific reason. And that reason is not positive. I think that's the difference. But if she explains it further, and I'm like, I see where you're coming from. Whether I agree with it or not, could lead to an interesting conversation, in which case I would want to have drinks with them. Maybe. Just because I've swiped them doesn't necessarily mean I would want to end up going on the date, but I would swipe this over the last profile.

I feel like they're both kind of like fives. This one has to go. If I had more potential. Yeah, I would. I would say yes to this over before I would say yes to the last one. OK, all right.

Two more quickly. This is Judy. And this one I kind of love. Does it have the age of Judy? 30. OK, not 70. As you were thinking.

Yeah, I just... I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-penis debutante. You want to start a street fight with me? Bring it on. But you're gonna be surprised by how ugly it gets. You don't even know my real name. What are you doing on tinder i started street fights what is it a movie quote who's blackmailing you no i this would be a hard pass for me that's a hard yes for me this is incredible

okay when you're being fucking shanked in an alley by her like 17 boys all of her like fucking effeminate soft-penised blackmailers get you it she is asking if there's gonna be a uh if there's if you want a street fight that's polite also i just sorry i was looking up the quote i found it guess what's from i don't know fight No, it's actually from something phenomenally incredible and one of my favorite characters in that thing. So I already like it a lot more. The Office. Yeah, it's Robert California.

I don't remember him ever saying it, but that's incredible. I also don't remember him saying that. It's phenomenal. Okay, this changes things. This does change things. Although I probably wouldn't have looked it up and i probably would have is it in quotes no she's she's playing with fire yeah i but here's the thing she's tailored it so this is a good profile because if someone gets

that reference it's gonna it doesn't do it for me but now that i know this i'm gonna say that's like that's an eight yeah i mean no i I liked it already because it's a funny quote. I can't imagine it was actually from her. It seems so specific. But I also like the thought of it being from her and Judy just being a fake name and this person just buck wild with an axe or something. Yeah.

This is John, 25. My name's Lauren, not John. And I'm 21, not 25. Angel emoji. Here's my Instagram. Hit me up. Yes, I have an OnlyFans. You should subscribe. Kiss face, heart faced. West End of Toronto.

My name isn't John. I did it as a joke and I don't know how to change it, LMFAO. I mean, this is a hard pass for me. There's nothing here that entices me to say yes or no, so I'm gonna give it LMFAO I mean this is a hard pass for me there's nothing here that entices me to to say yes or no so I'm gonna give it like a 2 I guess yep 100%

it's not like bad bad there's nothing really bad here but like there's also nothing of substance no it's baffling and like just they can't even use tinder properly their name's wrong yeah anyone who thinks like my name is John is a joke it's baffling and like just they can't even use Tinder properly their name's wrong yeah anyone who thinks

like my name is John is a joke it's like already yeah like indicating to me that it's not going to be a good match thank you very much for listening it's been a pleasure we have a good time doing this for you and

next week is our 100th episode that's fucking wild maybe we can make that the one we miss for the first time yeah we're just not gonna show up yeah i'll just i'll just upload 50 seconds or 50 minutes of silence um i will put out a call now just to the to the general people um we're we're looking to do like if if you know we've given you advice and you want to uh celebrate the 100th episode with us please feel free to like record a little audio clip of you saying hello um if you have an agent name give yourself or like you know you include that or if you want to give yourself an agent name that's cool uh try to keep it between like 10

and 30 seconds uh and then we will we'll do like a little little clip at uh throughout the show uh next week yeah if you event you want to say about the show any thoughts any memories experiences etc we would love to hear them yeah because when we started this we said we wanted to make it a conversation so maybe we will we will converse uh next week we'll we'll we'll talk to you guys and we'll get sort of like a you know a look back over the the past hundred episodes yeah which is still crazy to even think about yeah it's fucking wild um get paid for this we really do if you have a question or if you want to send us one of these uh one of these audio clips feel free to hit us up on Gmail. That's probably the best way to deliver us any sort of audio file.

That is fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. If you want to just reach out and send us a question or talk about the show with us, you can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast or fck underscore buddies on Twitter. Or you can visit us online at fbuddiespodcast.com or plentyofbeef.ca uh thank you josh eagle and the harvard cities for their

song paper stars and just like to all of our american listeners go register to vote please register to vote also make sure you're like signing up for the mail and phone it as well yeah and and don't vote for trump if you're gonna if you're gonna vote for trump don't register to vote. Also, make sure you're signing up for the mail-in, phone it as well. Yeah, and don't vote for Trump. If you're going to vote for Trump, don't register. Don't register to vote. Just get your ballot and eat it, I guess. Yeah. Just look around.

Things have not gone well, even slightly. Look into options. Just because you have a mail-in ballot doesn't mean you necessarily have to mail it in. A lot of places do have a drop off at like polling places. You can actually drop your mail-in ballot there and you don't have to worry about it getting lost in the postal service. So look up what the options are for your area.

And in November, please go and make the right choice because we love you very, very, very much. And we would love to come visit you again, but until you guys sort your shit out, we won't and we can't. Yeah, 100%.

I forgot to get bad sex running. Okay, let's just do this. Okay, England, England by Julian Barnes. She left the nursery. Sir Jack began to grizzle to himself, first quietly, then louder. Finally, he boomed out. Nappy?

And Lucy, waiting behind the door with her hands in a bowl of ice water, came running. Then with a bigger, riper growl, he whispered, poo. Baby do poo? She asked encouragingly, as if not entirely convinced he was capable of the ultimate act of babyhood. There were some babies who wanted to be told they couldn't, and so didn't. His hips pushed upwards. She squeezed her glistening hands in response.

And Sir Jack Pittman, entrepreneur, innovator, ideas man, arts patron, and inner-city revitalizer. Sir Jack Pittman, less a captain of industry than a very admiral. Sir Jack Pittman, visionary, dreamer, man of action, and patriot, began a throaty crescendo, which ended in a sforzando bellow of, POO! He let out a string of ploppy farts, came joltingly in Lucy's joined hands, and shat spectacularly in his nappy. Wait, what?

Was he the baby? Yeah. Was it like age play? Yeah. Oh, okay. Unless he's a very young captain of industry all right so he was okay so the the babies and the babyhood are all capitalized so i assume it's like you know baby play i really thought you'd laugh more at this one he let out a string of ploppy farts

dang yeah i sorry i was just i really came jololtingly in Lucy's joint hands and shat spectacularly in his nappy? Yeah, I get it. A string of ploppy farts, Dane? I hear the ploppy farts. I just couldn't see them. You know what I mean? I could hear it. You can never see farts.

I could smell it, but I couldn't see the whole picture. I didn't understand what was happening. You can never see farts. They haven't updated that technology yet. I however now only gonna scream a poo when i come i hope so uh to finish her off i've got a really cool porn hub comment um so this is from echo the dolphin coom yeah the bad acting was cool and all but you dolphins and dolphins ever get into crypto meme coin hype? I 30x my sand dollars doing it.

Just click on my profile and check the link that this dolphin feels is going to blow up like coom shooting out of my blowhole once it goes coin gecko. What? Also, are they spelling cum C-U-M-E? No, they're spelling it C-O-O-M. Damn it. My name is the kid. Goodbye.

We've been your fun buddies.