F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Files Filled With Bees

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

Greg, if you're going to tell me some long-winded story about a filing error... the result better be catstrophic. Topics include the worst brother ever, knowing your date hates you, do you bother talking to men, what chance do we have if highly accomplished people are single? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello friends. My name is Dane Miller. And my name is Nile Spain and we are your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy, sexy, sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Where do we find them, Dane? Online. What do we do with them, Dane? Answer them. Hell yeah.

Where do we do that, Dane? Here. Every Monday. And sometimes on Patreon. And by sometimes you mean every month. Every month. Yeah. So if you want extra, already.

If you're like, shit, I got to get more of this. It's been 30 seconds, and I am chomping at the bit. Turn this episode off. Go to Patreon. Do you think they're gone? I hope so, because I have secrets to tell you. No, I know. Well, way to undercut this entire episode.

Yeah, I started my, I'm trying to get back into fitness. Oh, yeah. And because my elbows all fucked up, it's hard to, like, do lifty stuff. But now the weather is nice, I've been running. Too nice for running. And I went for a little run yesterday. And now things that shouldn't be hurting hurt. Why do my biceps hurt?

I don't know. Why do your biceps hurt? Why are my abs hurt? I don't know. It's like, you know, you're running. Yeah. Keeping a tight. Biceps tight.

Were you just pumping those arms like fucking freezing? Was it so humid out that the air resistance was kind of like a, you know? I think I did a little bit of like mobility stuff. Afterwards, I was like, maybe I did something there. I don't know. It's weird. I woke up and I was like, there are things that are hurting here that shouldn't be hurting. And I think that just might be my life as a almost 40-year-old man trying to regain some semblance of control over his body.

That's crazy talk, man. Yeah. It's crazy talk. I can't run because one of my toes doesn't work. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. Brother slept with every girlfriend I had.

What to do when your date isn't into you? Do you still talk to, man? I wish I didn't. When highly accomplished people are struggling, what chance do I have? Real. All right. This is by throw a. Duna F.

My brother, 34, slept with my every girlfriend, I, 35, had for a decade before I went no contact. And now my parents want me to reconnect with them. I went no contact to my brother a decade ago because at this point, he had slept with every girlfriend I had to that point. Always happened while I was still dating them. Two of them are very serious about. and avoided bringing them home because of my history, and my brother even went and found those girls. Every time I was reminded by different extended family members, we were siblings and I shouldn't

hate them forever for being young and dumb. He'd apologized some of the time. A few times I refused to talk to him for a while after, and he'd act genuinely apologetic, but then did it again. Last time I went no contact, he actually dated her for a while, and when he realized I wasn't coming back around as fast as I had before, he apologized dozens of times. He kept reaching out, but I muted, then blocked him, and refused to be where he would be. parents told me they would accept my response because they knew he had hurt me and did me wrong, but they asked me not to hate them as much as I did. I told them I would keep that hate from them,

but couldn't promise to stop feeling that way about them. Two years, things between my parents and I became fractured. Brother was involved in the car accident and sustained serious but non-life-threatening injuries. Parents called to tell me that they wanted me at the hospital, the rest of the family, and I refused. I told them I did not want to see him and they said it could be serious. The time I was honest, it still holds true and said, I do not care. They couldn't come up to terms with me feeling that way. Even though he wasn't in danger from the injuries, they said I haunted them that I'd be so hateful to my own brother.

I held back for admitting I thought worse before. In time, I worked on rebuilding trust in therapy for myself, met my wife, married her, and we now have a family together. Brother has no part of it, and I've never led up on being no contact. He's tried to apologize several times since. I always tell the people he sends with letters I'm not interested in his apologies. He settled down with someone that's now father, but his baby was born early, is sick, and things are uncertain for them right now. I've heard from family, there's fundraising going on for them, and I read their story through that. Since this all started, I'm receiving extra pressure from my extended family and my parents

to reconcile with him, the parent said there's no better time to reconnect because if the baby dies having his brother will be everything. I told him I was not the person to do it. I did not have love or care for him to support him. They told me to let go of the past, let go with childish behavior, and be there for my brother during the worst time in his life. I really don't want that. I still hate his guts.

I have nothing kind to say about him. But the pressure is getting to me somewhat. My wife supports me either way and told me I need to do what feels right, and not for him or them. I'd like to hear advice from others before I make my final decision. which is heavily leading towards continuing my boundaries and staying no contact. Wolf, I don't think you're in the wrong. I think you are making a, it might be easy for you, but I think it's still a difficult choice.

If that makes sense, like I think you are putting in a level of effort to be truthful to your situation. And with everything that's going on, the accident and now his child being sick, Yeah, I feel like a person could be convinced to let go of. But like this guy sucks. And I feel bad for, you know, this poor kid. Maybe he was just young and stupid and a piece of shit and got some help and found someone who, you know, maybe he, maybe he's better, right?

Like maybe he's learned his lesson. Maybe this like going no contact. So like. But if you were better, I think you would then realize, oh, yeah, I've done actual proper harm to this person. And like, that's, that's a thing I've done. Sorry. You know what I mean? You're talking about the brother, right? Or him. Yeah. Like the guy. It's like, I think part of like actually getting better and actually making strides is realizing that everyone doesn't have to forgive you. Right. So it's like if you've done actual fucking irreparable harm, let them fucking be. Right. Because

your brother, a very close member of life to you, cheating on you with your partner while you're still with them. Devastating betrayal. Right. Really fucked up. to do on both sides. And that's once. I think that would be a hard thing to forgive someone for, but it's possible. But then like all the time, like consistently for years. Every single girlfriend, this guy has gone after. Yeah.

And the thing is it's like they can't be an accident. That can't be a, oh, it was a heat of the moment thing. Especially two of them didn't get brought home and he found them. He went and he got them somehow. And on top of all that, it's like you're also a liar because you're upholding. But actions speak louder than words. And your actions are, I'm going to do it again. So yeah, like, fuck this dude.

It is insane that he would turn around me like, oh, yeah, my bad. My bad for a decade of betrayal and hurt and trauma and, like, embarrassment. And then lying to you and then begging for forgiveness and doing it all over again. And then weaponizing mom and dad against you. He he. So, yeah, like, fuck it. You're doing the right thing. It sucks that these bad things are happening to this person.

But just because bad things are happening to them. doesn't mean you owe them any of your time. No, no, no, no. It's like, yeah, like, if someone has abused you for 10 years, whether it's a parent or a random person or a boyfriend or a partner or whatever, right? Like, you don't, that, like, if they get hit by car,

you don't have to go to the hospital. They were shit to you. They were bad to you. Like, and you are making, like, I'm sure it's not, not weighing on you, right? Like, I'm sure there isn't a toll on you. you as well for choosing to remain no contact, right? It definitely is, let alone the constant bullshit conversations with your parents.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, I think you do need to lay down the law and just be like, look, I've been very clear. He did this for a decade. He traumatized me. He attacked me. He went out of his way to ruin my life over and over and over again.

If you don't understand why I have no sympathy or, I mean, maybe you do have sympathy. Maybe you have empathy, whatever, right? Like, you can still feel bad for the guy. But, you know, be like, I don't want to be a part of that. I gave him a decade of second chances. Third chance. And what did he do with them?

Four chances. Yeah. Exactly the same thing. Exactly the same thing to me. Yeah. So, why would it change? Maybe you just have to like. I'm not letting this man near my wife.

Yeah. It's like, I don't want you near my, my family. Yeah. It's like, I don't think anyone should be able to fall to for that. Like, there's, you know. I would love to know, like, have you had this conversation? with your parent. Like, have you really laid it down? Or has it been kind of like, oh, he's just, he was mean to me. Like, you know, have you actually been like, hey, remember this person?

He went and he fucked them. And then this person, same thing. Oh, we apologize. We made up between those things, even though ours really hurt. I guess what he just did right after that. It again, you know, and like, he hunted her down and found her. There was no way he knew. He found her on Facebook, like found her and then slept with her. Also, it's crazy. Like, is this guy the hottest man a live or the most charismatic? It was super hot and very popular in high school. Sure. Says the comments.

Or says the poster in the comments. But yeah. I was going to say it's like, it is insane that this could happen. Like I don't think any of my partners would have done that at any point in time. Right. And I'm not even like the brother. Just like another dude. Like I, it's, I don't know.

It's crazy to me. Yeah. Yeah. It is like there's something else going on unless he is just the hottest Jedi around. But like, I don't know, man. These women obviously suck as well a bit. Well, actually, so I think you have this conversation with your parents. Because like, as now said, if you are just saying, no, I hate his guts.

Yeah. Then like, yeah, that comes across a little childish. Yeah. Right. It comes across as a little like, you know, feud between brothers and what you would say when like he would steal your like candy or something. Right. But if you lay it down and be like, this guy went out of his way to ruin my life on multiple occasions over. over and over again.

He stole candy from me. Yes. Candy being women. Yes. No, well, her name is candy. Yes. I see. I understand what you've done here.

And then toys. It's an Irish name, Dane. And then, like, hopefully at that point in time, they'll see. But then maybe you just say, hey, cut him out. You want to be next? Keep, keep talking. Keep telling me to feel bad about this piece of shit. And you'll be next.

And I won't blink. I won't think twice. Yeah, I got practice now. Just like he got practice. isn't taking candy from me. Like, yeah, you really just got to lay it down. And like, if they are understanding the situation to its fullest and they're still just like, we don't care.

It's easier for us. If you were friends with him, then you kind of know where you stand, right? But, like, right now I'm giving them the slight benefit of the doubt that you haven't really delved into it. Because you're younger, it was probably embarrassing and weird to be like, he had sex, you know, like maybe you did just kind of like, he's just a dick. Like, I fucking hate him or something, right? but you're adults now.

And I think you just need to take him aside and be like, look, do you know what he did? He did this. He did this. And like the point being less, the actions, although they are all very bad, but them as a, like a pattern of behavior as an extended fucking thing and adds like a betrayal over and over again. You know, it's like why would you trust a fucking work? Exactly. To hurt me. Like how many times does he get to apologize and then do the same thing?

And I'm supposed to forgive that. Yeah. Like, you know, if every time you saw your family, your mom, you fucking sucker punched her. Chances are you would probably stop getting invited to like Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. Would you get to chance number 11 like this one is? Yeah. Like, what are you doing?

And then also be like, hey, all you've done is advocate for him this entire time. All you've ever done has been like, you've got to forgive him, you got to forgive him, you got to forgive him. But it's like, where was that advocacy for me? Did you ever sit him down and be like, hey, you're being a piece of shit? Stop doing it. Did you ever threaten him to be like, you are, you know, we won't tolerate this in our family. Or did you always just let him coast by? Because that's what it feels like.

He needs me now that he's in his time of need. But guess what? He created my times of need all over and over and over. Yeah. Yeah. So you're doing what's right for you and there's nothing wrong with that. I know. It's fucking insane.

Let's beat him up. Yeah. That sucks. I'm sorry you deal with this. Catch us outside the studio, bro. Yeah. Bring your sick child. Got another car.

accident waiting for you. That's what they call. This is car. This is accident. I'm shaking my fists. This is from Mountain Ask. I tried to find my team dating subreddit and I can't. All I'm finding is really creepy subredits.

Before you want to date teens. No, actually that's viable. Oh, no. Yeah. It's honestly, they all look like they're dead subredits and it's just two accounts posting like from the same like, pick up. up artist videos. We should but report them.

Yeah. It looks like they might be the only two people left in that sub. So it's like the only two accounts posting. But I really wanted to get some more teen drama, but I couldn't find. I don't know where it went. So instead, I'm dating over 30. What do you do when you can tell your date isn't into you? I've had a handful of dates recently where as soon as I met the man, I can tell he's just not

into me. Whether he doesn't like my voice, doesn't find me. attractive, doesn't think I'm funny, etc. It really doesn't matter. But it does make me very anxious. And I feel like I'm forcing a one to two hour date with a guy I know will never text me for a second date. How do you approach this?

So step one, you got to make sure it's not your own insecurities. Yeah. Because I feel like when you arrive, like it is awkward. There is like, oh, hey, like, they meet you. And like, there's that settling in period. Even the best of us do it. Sometimes people overcompensate. Sometimes people are a little wooden because they're whatever.

You don't know how confident this person is. Clearly, you are not the most confident. So you should have a little empathy for that. So I would say make sure you're not imagining it, right? Make sure you're not overdoing it, especially if it's happened multiple times, unless you're like lying about your like how you look on your, you know, Tinder or whatever. Or you're showing up and you're like you do something wild. Like if you walk in and just make a racist joke or some shit.

Like if you do something outside the bounds of reality, if you smell. Like, there are things that I could understand giving that, like, instant kind of like, ick. But if you're not misrepresenting yourself or stinky, you're probably fine. In her question, the first thing she says is whether he doesn't like my voice, there is no fucking way that you can tell that right off the bat, right? Unless, again, you have like a crazy voice. Yeah. When you say something and they're like, whoa.

Like, part of me is wondering, is she reaching? And that's why she said the voice. voice thing or has the voice thing happened before and that's why. Like is this something she's super self-conscious about? Yeah. In which case, maybe she has a wild voice or is she just so like, little, it's like, maybe it's this.

Like, I don't fuck. Because she has no concrete thing to base it on. Yeah. So, like, does she have a deep voice and she's really insecure about it? Does she have a high voice? And she's insecure about it. Welcome to the date. I remember, man. I went on a date with this one woman and she was like being real cagey

about like meeting and she was like we should probably like talk on the phone first and I was like that wasn't the first time a woman has asked me to do that especially like the early days of Tinder that seemed to be like a pretty common screening tactic and I was like yeah for sure I was like if you if you if that makes you feel more comfortable we can have a quick like phone call just so you know I suck on the phone like I'm not a good phone talker so you know keep that in mind but like if that's if that's what you need great so we called we talked it was fine I thought she had an incredibly hot voice. She had kind of like that like Lindsay Lohan sort of like gruff, like gravelly husky kind of like voice.

And so we had a call. Have you watched the burrows yet? Sorry. Just real quick aside. There's a there's a lady in that with a real nice husky voice. Yeah. And she was, you know, we had the call. And then I was like, I'm not going to like text you immediately after just hanging up with you.

Right. Like it's weird to like in the interim you got a, it's the voice, isn't it? Well, it's actually like the next day, like, or, you know, the next sort of like normal time to text someone after talking to them on the phone. And she was like, oh, like, I'm actually kind of surprised. And I was like, why? And she was like, oh, well, you know, I do the, I do the phone call so that like dudes can hear my voice and kind of like pull the ripcore. And I was like, you have like the sexiest voice. And I don't think that's like, I think it's pretty universal that like men like that sort of like, they're like dudes typically like that like gravelly husky.

like, you know, breathy kind of voice. And I was just like, what do you mean? You're crazy person. But hey, people out there just be shooting themselves in the flood at every opportunity. And I do, I agree with you.

I do think that's what's happening here, right? And then the reason they're not texting you back is because you're being fucking weird the whole date. Yeah, especially because even you clock that you're getting anxious and weird. And it's coming off the bat, right? So it's like, I don't think they've had enough chance to make a decision about you yet.

And I don't know that you've had enough time to make a decision about whether they don't like you yet. So I feel like you're just spiraling. But step two, have short dates so that if this is the case, you're not going to waste your time, right? Which seems like you're doing. She's like, oh, an hour or two hours. I don't want to force it. It's like, that's a pretty short date. Yeah. Unless you're meeting up for like a lunch coffee kind of thing, like a mid afternoon, like, we're busy, but like let's grab a coffee to like sort of, you know, break the ice, touch base, see if we're like vibe. Yeah. But like, I don't think. I don't think any of my dates were under unless they were really bad under like three four five like

yeah went to a bar I was like we were probably going to be there all night like we're leaving at one or two unless they worked early the next morning yeah I think I've only had one date not be like five six hours or like you know at least three four plus and that was because after about two hours I was like yeah we'll go do another bar like this was fun and like things are going well and for some reason she stood up and could not walk and I was like oh you're fucking hammered and I did not know this until we tried to get you to move. And I was like, you have to go home. It's not even fully dark yet.

And you are stumbling. And then she's like, no, I'm fine. And like, spilled her fucking handbag all over the street. And I was like, oh, God. I'm like on my hands. And he's picking up like lipsticks and shit. It was bad. But yeah, step two.

Just have a short date so that if it's an hour or two, that's fine. Right. It's not that bad. And have something like, don't do dinner. If it is a coffee, you can finish your coffee. Like, oh, shit. I'm so sorry I got to run if you want to bail. But you also give them the opportunity.

to bail if they don't like you, which again is up for debate. And I think that's pretty much all you can do aside from making sure that, again, you represent yourself as good as possible and try to give them a chance and try to rein in your own kind of anxiety. I would also say, like, take a second and kind of like reevaluate how you approach dates. I think we had a good, like, run as daters in our single lives because when we went on dates, we were excited to meet that person. 100%.

Like, I love first dates. And I know I get a lot of like side eye. Like, what do you mean? Like first states are terrible. It's like, no, first states are so fun. It's an opportunity to meet someone like, especially with online dating. You would never meet this person, mostly. Right?

Like the likelihood that you guys would cross pass and have a conversation and vibe enough and change numbers and go on a date. Like the odds of you guys actually ever getting on a date outside of this scenario, like the app, is. so slim. So being able to like meet someone that you probably would never have met is fun and exciting. Like that should be an exciting thing.

And that should be like where your dates are grounded. Right. Like that's where you where you should be coming from. And then like, of course, be a little nervous. If they're cute, if you like them, be nervous, be whatever. Like that's fine. Yeah. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be, you know, have, have sort of like the, the romantic end. You definitely have nerves. Like, yeah. You don't know how it's going to go. You don't know this person. There is always the chance that you, mess up or whatever, but like it doesn't really matter because you're still going in and you're

excited and you're going to try. The goal is to have fun with this person and get to know them, right? Yes. We've talked about it before. I've talked about it where like I've gone on dates and then like we've both been like, I don't know for viving, but this is, we've had, we're having a great conversation and I like hanging out with you. So like, you want to just like keep doing this for a little bit? And then like it doesn't go anywhere. Sometimes you, by the end of the night, you're like, actually I do think you're really hot. Like I've, we've, we've, we've, we've, We've gotten we've broken the barrier of like maybe not a whole lot of physical attraction But now we're like mentally kind of like vibing and that makes you hot like it just does

Um honestly like short of very very extreme like outlier cases of like you know people getting way too drunk and even that wasn't a bad day It was just a bad end to a date and kind of a weird vibe. Yeah it just like it happens to that we were having fun um but like aside from like really bad like crying people I don't think I think I've really had very many bad dates. And I've had dates that, like, there was one girl I went out with. I thought we were having fun. And she never, like, texted me back after that. But, like, we chatted for a bit at a bar and then, like, had a nice hug.

And she went home. And, like, it was still a fun date, uh, even if it didn't pan out because I got to chat with her and nothing went wrong. Like, I don't know that I've had a bad date. Um, so you just have to come. Yes. Yeah. And like, don't take it personally.

Like, if it doesn't work out, that sucks. But like, not everybody is meant for you. You're not meant for everybody. It's like, I don't know. why that one date didn't go the way I wanted it to. That's okay. Yeah. I mean, like, I remember someone giving me shit when I was, I was like, oh, this person asked me, and I don't think I'm like going to do it. And they were like, oh, why? They're not attracted or you're not, they're not attractive enough to you. I was like, well, no, I don't really find them that attractive. So like, I don't

think it's fair to like just go on a date with them because they add. And they got so shitty with me. And I was just like, well, I don't find everyone attractive. They don't find everyone attractive. Like, it's not my obligation. to say yes to everyone who finds me attractive. The same way. And if you did. But that would be worse almost. It's like, oh, cool.

This person I likes him. Oh, it's a pity date. Fuck yeah. I love that. No. But look, you're, I think, really shooting yourself in the foot. I think you've decided whatever, for whatever reason, your insecurities are gripping you. And either, A, you're going on dates with dudes that you don't really want to.

And you're looking for a way out, like subconsciously. and therefore you're like, well, you know, I don't really care about this guy. I'm saying yes to it because I need to be dating. And now I'm going to be, oh, he hates me. It's not my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. It's, you know, or vice versa is you're putting so much pressure on these dates and then your insecurities are blowing it for you.

Because like, of course, the dude's not going to text you back if within 30 seconds you've decided that he hates you, right? Yeah, right. That's a level of energy that someone is going to pick up on and be like, yeah, she didn't like me. And it was obvious from the get go that she didn't like me. And this guy is probably like, I wonder what I've done. Isn't my voice? Literally 100%.

Because even you recognize that you get weird. So he's going to recognize you're getting weird. And that's probably it, right? Less so than he immediately saw you. And even if he did, again, it's like, look, you should be able to have a chat with a stranger once they're not like scary or abusive or whatever for an hour and a half, right? Two hours. If you're having a drink and you're chatting to somebody and it's not like.

aggressively hostile, you should be able to do that, right? If he's not into you, but he's nice, does it matter? Like you, like, is your time that important? Because if so, maybe don't date. If you, like, ruin your life because an hour and a half to two hours didn't go perfectly, I don't think you have the time to date because it's not guaranteed to go well, right? And look, so it's like, have the two hours. Worst case, you make a friend.

Maybe you break through the barrier. Maybe he's awkward. But you being awkward isn't going to help, right? Take it as dating practice. Take it as a funny story. And, and like, try to get something out of the night. You had a delicious drink. You went to a new place.

He told you a cool fact. Like, there are still things to be gained that I think if you write things off immediately, right? If you're like, it was a fucking failure. And it's like, it doesn't matter the other drink. It doesn't matter that you met a new place. It doesn't matter that you met a new person. Doesn't matter that he told you something cool. Doesn't matter that you went out and tried.

Like, if you don't on the way home, text a friend and go meet them or, yeah, you can make your night fucking miserable. And that's going to make the next date even worse and blah, blah, blah, blah, but that's not how you should date. You should be excited. you should go in. Worst case, you muddled through an hour and a half talking to someone. And if it's bad, just fucking leave. Yeah. I mean, my opinion of a bad date is when no matter how much effort I put in, the other person isn't interesting. And it happens, right? Sometimes some people are just

kind of boring. And it's not necessarily a them. It's just a, you're talking about shit I don't care about. And I'm going to invest in it. I'm going to listen to you and I'm going to ask questions about it. But like, like, I went out with someone once who was a, uh, like a lawyer and like, hell yeah. They just talked about nothing. Like, it was just, it was just nothing talk. It was just like, office drama about people I didn't know. And I was like, this isn't even interesting. You're just talking about how this one guy is bad at his job. And then like, sure, but like when the, when the like bad at his job is just like filing things wrong, like there's no like payoff, right? Like, yeah, yeah. If you were a fucking, you know, rocket scientist and it was like, oh, they

fucked up and a rocket exploded. That's a story. When you're like, oh, Dave filed something under... Put the bees and the peas because they were upside out. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, it's just like, cool. Did that fuck? Like, did that send someone to jail?

Like, did that blow up a court case? No, it just took an extra hour to restart. I was like, okay. What if you filed literal bees in the B section? See, that's a story. That's a fucking story. Just like jars of bees inside all the filing cabinets. Every time we opened up, just bees came out.

Yeah. there we go. I'm in it. I'm back. Yeah, B movie too. You heard they hear first. Be movie too. But then there are other times where it's like, oh, I'm not viving with you and I, you know, maybe your pictures aren't it or I'm not that attracted to you in the end, whatever. But we have a great conversation. I'm investing a hundred percent in that night in you, in the conversation. I'm going to learn about you. I'm going to like, we're going to leave pretty well connected in terms of like who we are as people. And like, maybe that's it. But that's, but that's a. kind of nice. It was still a fun night, right? Because again, you could should be able to enjoy it in that moment. And if you can't, you're probably not dating right. I almost wish there was a way to like do that platonically. And I know, I know that's just like friends, but like there's something about a date, right? Like I wish there was like a way to capture that. And do it without, you know, being misleading or cheating or whatever. Because there is like, there's a little, there's a little

something there's, that's nice. It's fun. And it's weird to me that people don't feel. Right. And that's it. I get it. Like it is scary, right? There is nerves, but like a lot of things that are fun, you get nervous before, right? Like a roller coaster, like a big career opportunity and a job you love. Like a... When you're about to perform, like that, that clubbly pit in your tummy where you're like, oh God, what if I forget how to do everything? I'm getting on stage and I'm in the baby. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like that should be where you're at, not like job interview. Like, oh, shit. Yeah. There's should. It shouldn't be a dread. And if there is a dread, you shouldn't be dating yet, right? Like, you just take a second and wait for someone to inspire you to get excited. And if you're going on these dates and there isn't an ounce of excitement or, or, you know, optimism or just being like, this will be fun. Then don't do it. You're wasting everyone's time.

You're wasting your time. You're wasting their time. Like, if you've already decided that it's going to be a bad date, don't go on it. Just cancel. It takes two to tango, in this case, the tango being having a fun date. And if one person is like, this isn't fun. Limp. Let me tell you, it's not.

It's not burning them. Yeah, it's not fun, right? If you're not both there to have fun, it's going to be really hard to have fun. Yeah, 100%. We've talked enough about this. Get out there. Have some fucking fun. We are going to take a quick break.

I've got to drag Niles lifeless corpse around a ballroom to do the tango. We signed up for dancing with the stars. Unfortunately, we're kind of just like, you know, there's always like one not famous person. the duo. Yeah. Together we both make a slightly noticeable public. Yeah. It's pretty sad.

But thankfully, now dancing style is lifeless corpse. Yeah. So we'll be right back. And we go. Well, the cool thing is we made history. We're the first one.

We were the first like two stars. Although they like put us together and include this as one star, but whatever with one dancer like pairing. So that was making history. But then we. were the first people to actually get kicked out before it even there. So, yeah, they, not even for conduct. They just, they did like a grading and they were like, oh, you didn't make it this week.

And we were like, oh, shit. I didn't know we started filming. And then they laughed and left. Yeah. One guy sucker punched me in the tummy real hard. Yeah. And then one of them was my brother and he slept with every one of, no. Man, imagine if my brother decided he was like, I'm going to sleep with everyone you've ever

slept with. That would be such an undertaking. It would be fucked. Yeah, it would be hard for them. New me, 19283. Do you still talk to men? I'd like a quick answer, then. I wish I didn't have to.

No, that's not true. My best boys, my best friends are men. Yeah. But I would say as a bartender, huh? I'm right here, man. Yeah. But as a bartender, I wish, like, the general public men is getting tougher and tougher every day, boys.

It's what are you doing out there? I think it's because I do brunch and you do nights. And I think brunch is the realm where I don't want to talk to women. Yeah, no, for sure. I don't know what it is. I'm not saying that men are much better. Actually, everybody sucks at brunch. Let's say that.

Yeah, no, brunch is a universal, a universal thing. I also work at kind of like a sporty bar. And it's just like, it's, oh, yeah. All right. I notice that all events, parties, et cetera, I attend. I naturally gravitate towards women and give them. most of my attention. I will still talk to guys, but mostly a small talk, and to spot cute girls around.

Is it bad? I feel like focusing on women makes me miss out on many good social and professional leads with guys. How do you approach this? Seduction. What gave it away? Look, here's the thing. If I was a single dude, honestly, not even a single dude.

If I was at an event and I looked at two groups, one is dudes, one is ladies. Yeah, I'm going to the ladies. And not even like as a what up girls trying to work my game. It's just like I don't I don't really connect with the average dude. And that is a thing that I've learned through this podcast where I'm like, you and I and are really good friends. We have shared values. Share its worldview.

And I forget that that is rare. It is it is always awful when you talk to someone and they just are like, oh yeah. So by the way, I'm a piece of shit. And you're like, oh, yeah. Why'd you say it like that? Why'd you proudly announce that you suck shit? Like the, the, I've, I've taken a pretty zero tolerance policy at my bar for people saying homophobic shit, transphobic shit, racist shit. But, I mean, people are pretty good about the racist stuff because I think most people know they'll get their ass absolutely beat if they say certain things.

But the fact that there are still people who are saying like the F slur about gay. people just like insane like casually yeah um like I had these like fucking construction guys sit down in front of me the other day and I was like oh what can I get for you and this one guy looked at me dead in the eye in the Lord's year of 20 22nd said oh they're probably going to get something gay I was like what the fuck do you mean he's like yeah I'm gonna get something and then said like F-y and I was like I'm gonna get I was like I'm just gonna stop you right there like I don't like this energy and you're certainly not going to use that word again so I'm gonna ask you one more time and you're going to give me an answer like an adult.

What would you like to drink? And like all of a sudden you're like, oh, you're in trouble. You're in Toronto now. And I'm like, this, this shouldn't be how we behave. No, no. Now I will say in most parties, it isn't just a women on left, man on right. And a lot of men fucking great. If I'm out of party, I'm talking to everybody because I don't go like, I'm not there being like,

oh, here's my value judgment. women can talk to them because sex, men, don't want to talk to them, but what about a professional lead? Like, what, no. What about my promotion? What about the big promotion? Yeah, like, just, it's so embarrassing. It's like, yeah, I'm talking to people.

And if you're at a party and you're not talking to men, people are going to be like, yeah, I wonder why this guy's here. Also, like, if the only, if you're at a party and the only reason you're talking to anyone is for personal gain through transactional conversation. Yeah, 100%. you suck. Like, no one wants to talk to you, right? Like, you're the guy who has the same canned lines.

And if I'm in one group and you've approached and then later on, 40 minutes later, I'm in another group and you roll up into there looking for whatever job you could get, you're probably saying the same shit. You're probably saying the same jokes. You're probably shoehorning the same pieces of information about you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a tech startup. It's like, nobody, we're talking about fucking lost right now, dude.

Why are you talking about your tech startup? Shut up. And 100% like this the person here doesn't say like, oh, the person I went with or the my friends at the party or the people I invited. Because you probably just showed up because you don't like, this isn't the way to do it. You shouldn't be like, oh, I talk to women. Should I talk to men or I talk to men. You should be like, I'm at the party. I talk to people.

The people who are at the party. I talk to people naturally who are around me and I fit the flow of the conversation and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And again, much like a date, you should be there to have fun. and having fun is also meeting guys and women and everything in between and outside of that. Like, it's just like exhausting. What are you doing? Yeah.

Stop looking at conversations and social interaction. Like, look. And people. It is so hard. Gain. Yeah. It is so hard to like meet new people, especially as you get older, especially in this digital age, especially with like we're all working so much just to afford so little.

It's tough to find community, to be. a part of a network and to socialize and meet new people. Like all those things are difficult to be put into that scenario where you get to do all those things. You might find your new friend group. You may now be a part of this community. You may get invited to other parties. But if you go in and the only thing you see is like you put on your like little terminator like

brain scan and be like, would fuck this woman so can talk to her. This guy is wearing Rolex. He may have job opportunity. Like if that's the way. you're looking at people and you know the the like social contract that you've built with like hopefully people that invited you to this party that sucks yeah and people can spot that a mile away a hundred percent people's bullshit detector is i think pretty heightened nowadays and you can smell a phony and i can promise you you're being phony as hell if this is the way you you approach

things and this is the way you're like talking about going and talking to people at a party You sound phony as shit And no one wants that It's bad Just stop Just stop Just talk to people like normal people And don't worry about what you're getting out of it

Yeah This is from Woken the Hive When highly accomplished people struggle with dating What chance does the average person have? This is something that's been stuck with me After recently attending a pitch-a-friend dating event I'm a guy for the record While I realized the organizers

Probably curated most of the contestants A common theme was how most of the single people were incredibly accomplished. We're talking about those with prestigious careers, went to elite universities, large supportive friend groups, and intense hobbies that takes a lot of dedication, mountaineering, triathlons, learning multiple language. One was a former golf pro, another founded a successful environmental startup,

and one was an Olympian. In contrast, I'm someone with a small friend circle, a respectable and stable job, but not high earning for my area. And more normal hobbies. Okay. Women often say that traits like income and status don't matter much in dating, but in my experience, the word ambition is constantly thrown around, and it's hard not to measure yourself against the more accomplished people. I suppose it's the curse of living in a high-earning, hyper-competitive metro area. But at least me wondering, how do you find confidence with dating when the baseline for average feels impossibly high?

If these exceptionally successful people, both men and women, are having trouble dating, what are the chances for the rest of us? I love that. Edit, the event itself was not targeted towards ambitious people specifically or any particular groups of people. It just happens to be in the area. There's an abundance of high achievers. I love that looking at this instead of saying, oh, I guess being super ambitious and

successful doesn't matter because these people all still need dates. You go, oh, I'm fucked then. Look, also. You're looking at two bar workers here who, you know, play D&D. we've been doing real well for a long time and there would be events where we like we had two doctors run over and like crashing out

just absolutely like at one point getting a drink and then being like we're doctors. Yeah literally they came up to us after like they were talking to two women and I guess at some point in time we started talking to those two women like later in the night and you know we're doing well and these two guys came over and literally looked at us

and we're like we're doctor though. Like, there's a word that a human being said to us. Yeah, yeah. Two people said it as well out loud in front of, like, that's the insane part. They were crashing it so hard. They were just like, this isn't how it works. How it works is like you, the first and foremost thing is you, right? You need to be charming. You need to be fun to be around. That is what most people look for in a relationship. And yes, does, oh, he's an Olympian. Oh, he's a millionaire. Oh, he's a whatever. Do those things play into it. Yes. Are they going to be the be all and end all for most people? No. Maybe it's a cherry on top. Maybe it's all frosting. Or maybe you find someone who's really vapid and shallow and

that's all they need. Right. However, in the majority of cases, the most important thing is you, how it feels to be with you, et cetera. You're also like forgetting that in order to achieve these things, they probably sacrificed their dating life, right? Yeah. Olympians are probably not top of mind being like, got to find a girlfriend. They're like, no, I want to run real fast. Yeah. Or swim crazy fast. If you're like that fast, girlfriend can't keep up.

Yeah, what am I going to do? Stop running full sprint everywhere to wait for this girl. Slow down. A lot of girls don't even want to jump in the water, let alone able to hold pace with you. So it's like, unless they wait at the very end, but guess what, that's really far away, because you're Olympian. It's like, think about that, right? This guy setting up his big environmental startup.

probably didn't have a life for four or five years while he did it. And on top of that, it's like you're saying, oh, they have these really intense hobbies that take a lot of time. Okay, so if you date them now, what do you get? No time with them? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So even the stuff before took up time didn't have time.

Now that they're successful, but he's mountaineering every fucking day. And that also, like, it narrows the pool down, right? Yes. Because, like, if that's what you're into, if you're the kind of person that, like, every month, you carve out a week where you go into the wilderness and hike through the wilderness, you're going to want to find someone who wants to do that as well.

So you now have to like narrow your dating pool into people who like extreme like, you know, portaging or whatever. Is that what it's called where you carry the canoe around? I did it and it sucks. Canoes that we were using were so fucking heavy. I thought it was going to die. And right, if you started, if you met someone who's like, oh, I'm an environmental startup.

And you're like, oh, hell yeah. That's cool. And they're like, I portage every weekend. Do you be like, I don't want to do that. Exactly. That narrowsy dating pool. Now you can't hang out on the weekends. Yeah.

Right? You either have to let them go do their thing or go with them and suffer. Yeah. So you seem to be looking at things in a weird lens and forgetting reality. Like you're looking at being like, but those successful people and successful people have relationships. So if the successful people don't have relationships, how are they successful? And what chance do I have who's not successful?

Like, none of that fucking matters. Yeah, they may have like an easier time on paper. Like if you hear, oh, this guy's super rich and he's an Olympian, like, yeah, I'm going to want to meet that person. But if I go on a date with them and they fucking suck, I'm not going to be like, well, you know what? Gotta do it.

I got to do it because she's an Olympian. I got to do it because she's wealthy. Like, I don't fucking care, right? So you will find people shallow enough that that will be enough. But all the other things matter too. And if they don't have those things, if they don't have time. And like, maybe their social skills aren't. because they've been spending so much time in the water training with fish.

All they know is dolphins. Swim. That's it. Yeah. I mean, like, the reason Nile and I did so well in our 20s as broke hospitality workers. Because we're hot as fuck. It's because we, when we went out, we just had a good time. And like, we engaged in people.

We were interested in people. And like, those are the things that matter generally to decent people. And it's like, sure. were there women at some point in time who once they found out what we did for a living were disinterested? I'm sure there was. I can guarantee you that there was. And that's fine. Yeah, that's on them. I don't care. That's up to them. It's, but like to sort of like segment what is successful and what it means to be successful and then crash out and spiral because your definition of successful isn't matching up with the people who you think are successful. it's you're never going to find a roadmap. There's so many Reddit posts about being like,

what is this like kind of unattractive balding out of shape dude, have a really hot girlfriend and I can't get a date. It's like, well, it's that mindset. It is literally having the thought, thinking that is probably why you don't have a date. Yeah,

that guy's charming and funny. Yeah. Get with the picture. It's very generous and compassionate and cares. And it goes out of his way to, you know, do nice things for people like those are the things that attract people

not this like idea of success and again but also like people who focus on those like very shallow hallmarks tend to then when they're dating someone try to peacock shallow hallmarks right like you're probably not going into a meeting with someone a meeting Jesus a you know a date or whatever it's a it's a meeting event

maybe they're meetings maybe they're meetings okay maybe it's at the border like I don't know I work at a bar So like maybe they're they're going into this and being like oh yeah I have a job like my job I make this like you know I have this car instead of just being like hey I have to go and like what you're into right because I think when you're obsessed with everybody else's achievements you seem to think that that's the only way you can get by and then you try to give yourself this sell which if you think you're not doing that great inevitably ends up being like I only have this or lying to make it feel better and that's just not the vibes

So it's like, that's also part of the mindset is if you think that's important for other people, you think it's important for you. And that's how you sell yourself and nobody gives a fuck. I would like anytime I'm on a date, like I try not to talk about work. Because it's in my opinion one of the most boring topics that you can get into. And also doesn't really tell you much. Unless someone does something crazy in which case, cool. They put bees in a law office. Yeah, because you're a bee menace.

Then like I don't really care about what you do. for a job so long as it's not like I wouldn't date a cop I don't think no and stuff like that so it's like there's job compatibility does exist but that's going to come up naturally in the conversation like an hour into the date where someone will say like you know at work this happened or whatever right like now what about podcasting you talk about that I didn't actually I did not I didn't reveal I mean like I had it on my profile which you know probably shouldn't have but like the amount of people who were like, oh, tell me about your show. I was like, I would rather not until we meet.

Like, let's let's just, let's just keep that out of the, because like, one, I didn't want people like listening and getting an idea of like who I am. Yeah, it's almost unfair. It's like they get to to delve behind the curtain and then you still show up. 100 fucking episodes of this podcast in which you get to like build an idea of who I am. Also, there's like a bit of a persona I have when I do this. Yeah, you should see when Dane rips off his fake beard at the end of this. recording. I look like a child. I look like a giant baby. It's crazy. But you know who looks even more like a giant baby? May when I rip off every piece of hair on my body. Yeah, that's the weird part.

Yeah. I don't even need to. Like, like, like, hair suit. He just kind of like puts on. I just like like it that way. Now you know that at the end of this episode, we become a hairless baby man. Giant two hairless baby man can pull like we have. You've got it. You've got it. Secret is get rid of all your hair. Get rid of all your hair. Get rid of all. of your hair. Now, I know what you're thinking. Even that hair? All of it. All of it. There's one you're allowed to keep, but you got to join Patreon to find out about that one. That's going to do it

this week for us. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. We love you. Thank you. Thank you, Joshy. A quick like thoughts and prayers for our friends in the Philippines. You all have been having a real tough time out there. I don't even know if you'll be able to hear this.

There's earthquakes. There's floods. There's all kinds of shit happening out there for you guys. You've always been real ones, OGs with us. And I hope you are safe. I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves. And I hope it gets better for you soon.

It is pretty wild what's happening over there. And I just want to know that I'm thinking of you and we're thinking of you and we hope you're safe. Hearts going out to you guys and hopefully things are all right. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard cities for their song paper stars.

And thank you to everyone listening. I'm going to do a little quick Tinder review and then maybe even a bad sex writing. Whoa. This is a Tinder profile by a man. I'm just here to cheat on my wife a little. I'm sure she would be okay with it if she knew because I'm totally JK laughing emoji.

If you're still reading, we should get along. I'm not married. No crazy X or BM drama. Open book. Ask away. What's something you've never done before? Okay, well, big swing. It's a big swing. I'll give him that. Yeah. I do like that he's not cheating on his wife.

Sure. Low promise. Yeah. I do think that it is insane. Yes. Yeah. But unfortunately, certainly not the worst we've had. It's not the worst.

But I did find myself thinking, why? Why? Why this? Why did you think this would work? Do you, like, the benefit of being like, I'm upset a lot of people and maybe people will swipe immediately. and I'm going to start this whole interaction with them thinking, ugh, but then I'm going to be like he-he and give him no information about me. Just none.

I think we get enough information. Yeah, it's going to be a no for me. I bet April fools with this man is a nightmare. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, never, never getting a prank war with this man. No. My name is Day Miller. And I'm Nile Spain.

And we've been your fuck buddies. Just kidding. D.K.