F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Metroid Ball Blowjob

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

It's an absolute miracle that this episode exists considering all of the technical difficulties we suffering while recording.  So, you know, really enjoy this one.

Hello friends. My name is Dave Miller. My name is Nile Spain. And we're your fuckways. We? Wow. I thought that was me there. I literally just, it's like we haven't done this 4804 times, I think, at this point in time. 484 times. No, 3.300. Okay. Well, we get another 100 before we got at least have a dialed man. Another 100 and I'll get this down. I'll figure it out. We're a sex and tating advice podcast, where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them.

into sexy, sticky, sticky situations. To put it simply, and why wouldn't we? We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them

right here right now on the topics of sex and also the topics of dating and everything in between, you know? I'm real sad. I have a, like, neon light above me, usually,

that gives me a nice radiating glow. But now it's fucked and now it just strobe lights if I plug it in. Oh, fun. I was going to say, though, you look crisp, so it doesn't look bad.

Maybe this, has been fucking me this whole time. I can't get my light together. I always look like a ghost or a man dying of heat. I have, I don't know how many lights you have. I have, I used to have four. Now I only have three going. So now I've got two.

Is that better? Yeah, this is, this is bad audio. This is terrible audio. Terrible. We need to be fired. And you know what? You're fired, Dan. I'm sorry.

Okay. This is, I feel like the end of Aladdin where the genie has been freed. All I needed. You can go live a lot. Yeah. You could do things that give you money. I don't just sit in a closet for two hours at a time. This week we're talking about. First time having sex with boyfriend didn't go well, am I overthinking it?

I'm bringing them back from last week because we didn't do it. Mom got mad. I had sex in my room. How big of a deal breaker is not having a car dating in Toronto. Waking up a blowjob. Waking up as a blow job. He said a lot of words that weren't the words I wanted to say, but I'm not going to correct myself. So that's fair. We're podcasters.

We can say whatever the fuck we want. Yeah. If you have to listen to the end of the episode and figure out what the fuck I was trying to say. Women cause COVID. We're two men. We're two men with a podcast. We have to yell that contractually every 20 episodes. Oh, I thought this was like the start of a bit and not just what you think, like your

my own personal thing. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was definitely, you know those videos where it's like the mock like, this is what happens when two guys get a podcast. And it's just like. women after the age of 21 are expired good, you know, like, and they're always funny because it's ridiculous. But then you're like, oh, wait, I saw another clip right after and that one was

serious and it was the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I really like the one of the two ladies that gets sent around every so often. It's kind of like evergreen where they're just talking about how to make money. And they're just like, if you save a dollar every day for a year, that's $365,000 that you've It's like, it's very good. I like that. All right. This is by Stray Sheep 7. First time having sex, a new boyfriend did not go well.

Am I overthinking what it means? I, female early 30s, have been seeing a guy male early 30s for about a month. Recently went on a two-day trip together and during the trip he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Same night, we tried to have sex for the first time with each other. This was not my first time having sex in general, but I hadn't had sex in about two years. I experienced pain during penetration and we could not continue. At one point, he also lost his erection while we were trying.

I felt embarrassed and mortified and froze because I felt like I had failed. It was very kind and reassuring we talked about it calmly. The next morning we tried again and ran as the same issue. I got emotional again and cried a bit, which made me feel even more embarrassed. Later that day, after going out and resetting a bit, we were intimate in other ways. I initiated oral and things went well and we cuddled for a long time afterwards. Throughout the whole trip, he was gentle and supportive. When he dropped me off, he apologized for making me feel sad.

I told him it wasn't his fault and it was more about me feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed. Objectively, he hasn't withdrawn or acted differently, but since the trip, I fell unexpectedly anxious and emotionally shaken. I really like him, and I think that's part of why I feel so heavy. I feel embarrassed about how things went, and I'm afraid of what it could mean, even though his behavior hasn't suggested anything negative. I'm wondering, is this kind of awkward first sexual experience with a new partner common? Is it normal to feel emotionally shaken, even if you're not inexperienced?

Am I overthinking what this might mean for the relationship? The question of, is it normal, sucks, and is boring, and I hate it. because it doesn't matter like if, you know, 99% of people experience this, whatever, whatever we're talking about, it doesn't really discount whether or not you are the 1% who does. Exactly. So it doesn't really matter. Can you imagine that we were just like, it is normal? Like, fuck you.

Or it's not normal. Fuck you. Like, we're so dismissive, right? And it's like, I think the only time normal should really matter is like in a medical sense. Like, hey, my hand gone green. Is this normal? And then they go, no, go to the doctor. Yeah. Yes. And like, so, okay, you had a less than ideal first sexual experience. Even if it was not your first, even if it was like this happened after dating and sleeping with this person for five years. What you're feeling is valid. What you're feeling is is makes sense. You know, you had a bad experience in a time where you were looking forward to. You know, you went on this trip. You had big ideas. You were going to have hotel sex. Hello. You know, like great. That sounds like fun. And you say hello.

way. Hello. I want to say hell yeah, but like, hello, hotel sex. Hello. Hello. So yeah, it's understandable that you were upset about this. It makes, I like that you are clocking that he's not doing anything. Like he, he is behaving in my opinion, at least, like a good partner. He was supportive. He, he didn't get weird about it. He, you know, you guys found alternative ways to pleasure one another. Well, you pleasureed him. I don't know what he did for you. I would love to know, yeah. And if you were even interested in being, you might have just shut down and didn't want anything done to you, which is also valid. But what I think you need to like do now is where I think a lot of people fall apart in situations like this where it's like you have done a lot of work in your head of being like, okay, he doesn't seem withdrawn and he was a great partner and he does this, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then you never actually talk to your partner about it. You never have a conversation about it and be like, hey, like, Here's the reason why I was upset. And here's, you know, what I'm going to try to do.

Or here's my concerns or here's my fears. Here's my whatever. And bring it up the way that is. And also here's some reassurance that it wasn't your fault that you didn't, as you said, make me sad. Right. Yeah. So I think a lot of people like do all this work in their brain, but then leave the other person kind of guessing. Because like him saying, oh, I'm sorry I made you said, kind of indicates that maybe he doesn't fully understand the scope of

happened and he thought that perhaps his behavior is the reason you're upset and he has no reason to believe anything else because you haven't told him sort of the real reason as to why you're upset. So that that's the conversation that needs to be had. And then once you both have that information, you can make the decision to do whatever you think is the correct next step. Yeah. Also, you're clearly in your head about his reaction despite the fact that as we've said, he has done everything right. You know what I mean? Like I don't really know what else you could do. And it's like, you know, when your partner's being shitty to you, I think you should trust that and like take it to heart. And I think when your partner's being really nice to you, you should trust that and take it

to heart, right? So it's like instead of being like, oh, I'm really worried, even though he hasn't done anything to suggest otherwise. It's like, well, that's unfair to him. You know what I mean? Because he has done all the right things. And again, like Dane said, there's a good way to figure that out and to move forward from that. And that's by talking to them. If you're worried that something has wrong or that they're still harboring negative thoughts about what went down, chat. Yeah. You know? And that's good for reassuring them, for reassuring you and for, for, you know, moving forward.

I also think it's really important that you seem to hang a lantern twice on inexperiencedness and or lack thereof. And it's like, you say, I'm not an experience. Can this happen even though I'm not inexperienced? But then you're also like, I haven't had sex in two years. It's a long time. So it's like, if I had experience or something and then didn't do it for two years, it's like it's still kind of like imposing.

So I think give yourself a little grace for that that long time period where you haven't had it. It's like it checks out. You're not, you know, I don't want to see no experience, but you're rusty. Yeah. Yeah. It's like if you like any basketball player or fighter or whatever, right, like if you take a year off and or two years off with no training and no fighting or whatever and then you get in a ring, you're going to be slow. Your reactions are going to be lower. But like I would like to know if you've ever experienced this sort of pain during penetration before as well.

Like, is this a new physical thing? Because this might be something you need to go talk to your granicologist about or see a pelvic floor specialist about or something. Right. Like usually when something hurts, there is something wrong. And ignoring it or trying to push through it is going to rarely benefit you in any sort of way. So if you are noticing that something hurts. There could be other reasons, right? Like you could just not have used enough lube or enough for play.

Yeah, he could be bigger than you're usually used to with a partner. You could be, because you're nervous, as now said, you're not getting as wet as as normal. So you're not as lubricated. There's any number of reasons. Maybe you've aged in two years and therefore your hormones are no longer where they were two years prior and you're producing less. You know what I mean? Like there are numerous things that could have happened.

But it's like you should look into that as part of moving forward to for your own kind of like sense of, you know, comfort and also just to fix the problem. Right. Because. And that's, you know, we're having a conversation helps, right? because then you're, if you're only living in your head of being like, I hope this doesn't happen again, we talk at a bunch with like, you know, either coming too fast or, you know, losing an erection or whatever, right? The second you start putting it in your head, then all of a sudden, like, that it overtakes you. It sort of, it fucks your whole shit up because your brain is so intrinsically linked to what our body does. And like, it can trick your body into making problems that aren't there.

So bringing it up and having a conversation with your partner and being like, hey, so here's the reason why I stopped. You know, I've made an appointment or, you know, maybe next time we try a little loop or we try a little bit more foreplay or whatever. Whatever your solution is, at least then you have it on the table. He's aware of it. He knows what the problem is, you know, indefinitely. Or at least like, you know, without any sort of like maybe, maybe she didn't like me. Maybe she wasn't turned on. Maybe she doesn't, you know, find me a track.

Like you take all that out and just say like maybe I don't know why I feel the pain. But that is why I had to stop. And maybe here are some things that we can try ourselves first. And if it becomes a problem, I'll go see a doctor. I'll go see someone about it. Yeah. And then again, reassure them. Be like, I had nothing to do with you. And then also be like, I really appreciate that you were so kind and caring and like looked after me during this. You weren't weird about it. It made me feel really great. Like, because then they're going to feel good. They're going to be reassured. And you know, you can move forward. And it. It's just like, you say is, am I overthinking what this might mean for the relationship? Yes. But the thing is, what's important is what this might mean for the relationship based on how you act, right? If you do this, if you reassure your partner, you open channels of communication, your kind, you're caring, you move forward and you like keep in touch about it. This could be great. This could be the start of a great relationship.

If you freak out, if you get weird, if you get in your own head and then this, you kind of like double down and withdraw and blah, blah, blah. and you don't trust the nice, kind things that your partner is done for you, this could be, this could mean something for your relationship, but that's none of it's good. And lastly, I just want to talk about him losing his erection. It feels like you're hurt by that, which I think is kind of totally unfair, given that, like, you also went through, like, a similar thing and you know it's nothing to do with them. So it's like, don't internalize that. Don't, like, blame them for that. When, like, if you're in pain, of course you would lose this erection. If things have, like,

stuttered and stopped and the sex train is no longer rolling, of course he's not going to have an erection. Even if you're just stopping to like negotiate, if you're doing logistics, if you're like, these are all not sexy things. You know what I mean? Not in a bad way, but I mean, if his mind is off the sexy task, it checks out. And also it's like you require sexual stimulation to remain hard. So if you combine how that hurts with no sexual stimulation, yeah, that's a recipe for losing losing an erection. I can't think of any way easier to lose an erection than to stop sex and then be concerned for your partner and then also to hear like, this hurts. Like brain goes into a different

mode. Yeah. That boner was dead on arrived. Doom. Yeah. It was a doomed. Doomed boner. Yeah. So just give yourself some kindness. Open those channels of communication and trust your partner. And then maybe kind of, maybe Lou. Yeah. You have options to go and then like, we're not doctors. So figure it out. Try to the, try the things you can do and then if those don't work, uh-oh, we are doctors. Or are we? We're not. But that's not to say you couldn't at some point become doctors in the future. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Or use our podcasting, our years of podcasting experience to assume that we are doctors. Because I feel like there's plenty of people who are currently making medical decisions for large numbers of people who don't know anything about being a doctor.

So, you know. I think we got to wait, much like our intro, we got to get that. down by 480. By 480, we can assume we're doctors as well. 100%. This is from Advent. Mom got mad. I had sex with my boyfriend in my room. I, 26-year-old female brought my 35-year-old male home to meet my parents. When I first told him about him, they were not very happy with the age difference. And I feel like that energy came out when they first interacted with him. They were a little protective and antagonistic towards him at first. But he was so sweet and polite in return, and that really meant a lot to me. So when we went to bed, I decided to thank him with a BJ.

We were in my room. Door closed. 9 p.m. My mother walks in, sees us and lets out kind of a yell, then closes the door. I stop, go out to talk to her, and she ends up yelling at me, even though she knew we were sleeping in the same room together. Does she not think that there may be sex? She was being completely unreasonable, in my opinion, but I want to try to be reasonable about this. Is it okay for me to bring home a guy to meet my parents and have sex with him during that visit, or is that our unreasonable thing to do?

Why are you asking us? We're not your parents? Like, this is kind of like the normal of question one where it's like, I could say, yeah, do whatever you want. I could say, fucking have sex in the living room. Does that mean your parents are going to be chill with that? Does that mean they're going to be hype to see you bone down on their cream leather carpet, carpet couch? Whatever. They have a leather carpet.

They're freaks. Yeah. Which is probably why you thought it was okay to fuck on it. Probably why you are the way you are. I, look, let's get this out of the way first. You're 26. You live at home. That's okay, I guess.

but maybe don't. Two, why you're in bed at 9 p.m. Oh, I think. I guess, yeah, you could be. Yeah, I think she might just be bringing him home to meet the parents. Why you in bed at 9 p.m. That's insane. That's, but let me tell you, people do go to bed like early.

Like, we're, we are, this is the freaks. This is our caveat of like, not that we're not doctors. We are not normal people. Yeah. They're probably like, yeah, I have a high-powered career that pays me well, and I don't have to sit in the closet and get sweaty for. Yeah, it always makes me laugh Whenever I'm like watching a movie or a TV show

And people being like, he called me at 1 a.m. Or like he was up until 1 a. And it's like, I don't know if I've ever been to bed before 1 a.m. And I can't remember the last time I went to bed that early. Like, yeah, I think maybe midnight one if I'm like really ill, you know, And I'm just like, okay, I got to have an early night, you know? Yeah. I think I've probably slept pre midnight a handful of times.

And like that includes severe illness, jet lag and like getting up at 4 a.m. Also like this is, I'm talking like, like I was like this in high school too. Like I don't think I was ever like asleep before midnight when I was waking up at like 637 to go to school. Um, either way. So like I'm not going to nitpick on the, the 9.m. Especially if you're going to like if they're not going to bed, but like they're in bed and like watching a TV show for or a movie or something to escape the. angry parents. That's fair. Look, are your parents cool? No. They bust in. They knew they knew. There was, there's a non-zero chance. Something's going down. You know what I mean? Like,

I wouldn't walk in on my brother or sister if they had a partner over. I wouldn't walk in, even though my mom and dad, if they were in the room with the door closed. I wouldn't walk in. It's like, they could be getting changed. They could be doing whatever. It's like, I'm not an asshole. So I'm not doing that. Yeah. It's their fault. It is. I also think that if you are going into what you know is going to be a hostile environment. You know your parents don't like this dude. Regardless of, you know, your relationship or this guy, we don't know anything about either of you other than you try to give him a blowjum and your parents walked in. But you put him in a shit position. This is bad decision, regardless of whether it's cool or a reasonable thing to do or whatever,

you knew your parents didn't like him. And now they have even more ammunition and more reason to not like him. you need to be on your best fucking behavior and allow him to be on his best fucking behavior to undo the the sort of like can't can't put that you can't put that blowjob back in the bottle man that's what I mean like you I don't care how horny or I don't care how much you want to thank him or whatever thank him when you fucking go home it's also kind of a weird phrasing like did that ick you out as well or it's like he was kind to my parents so I decided to reward him with a blow like I don't know it just it felt weird it felt like blow jobs aren't rewards. It's just like, for me, I'm just like you, you knew what you were doing. And you'd be like,

oh, there's, we were saying in a room, it's like, well, if you acknowledge that there's a zero some chance that there's going to be a sex, why the fuck didn't you lock your door? Yeah. Yeah. And that's another thing. It's like, if you're having sex at home, right, it's on you to be subtle, right? It's on you to be like, oh, you wait until everyone's asleep and then you keep your ears craned. and then if people start moving, you stop and you pull the blankets up in a way that, like, people can't tell if, for example, they did bust in, you know, like, it is kind of on you to be subtle. And it is on you to, you know, have the door blocked or like, you know, like, we've all done it. And it's like, you just got to be chill, right?

Whether or not you should be allowed to do it, it's still, I think, just like, you got to give it the old college try of like, oh, did I leave my bag in front of the door? Sorry, mom. Let me go grab that. And then you pull the dick out of your mouth and you go and you move. the thing and nobody knows, right? Like, yeah, I think it's on you for just hoping your angry parents who have a bone to pick with this man, don't walk in assuming the worst. And guess what? The worst was happening. Yeah. And like, you're all adults. You're all able to be like, hey, maybe we should wait. You know, your parents are still doing the dishes downstairs.

9 p.m., man. It's crazy. I assume, like, I assume the whole house hadn't turned in for the night. You know what I mean? Because it's 9 p.m. Yeah. Um, I mean, I once went home with one of my partners. And it was a similar situation where it was like, you know, I was slightly older than her, but like, by like two years, you know what I mean, like it wasn't anything. It wasn't like anything crazy. We were staying. There was a little bit of contention about whether or not we were allowed to like stay in the same room. And I was like, I told her straight up.

I was like, hey, it doesn't bother me. I'm not going to make it a fight with your family the first time I meet them that I have to spend the night. in the room with you. I know you don't want to anyway. You're like, yes, on bed. Fuck yeah. So I was like, I was like, whatever they want to do. If it's important to you, you can plead your case.

But like, I, I am happy to abide by the rules of the house while I'm there. And so, you know, she made the point of being like, you know, blah, blah, blah. So I was allowed to, we were allowed to sleep in the same room. And then like almost immediately she was, and I was like, there are two things that I know about this partner. I was like, you are not quiet. And this bed is squeaky as hell. Like you, this is an old ass bed that I can't even like shift position with.

I was like, there's no way that people in this house aren't going to know. And like her parents were kind of like part of years as well, right. So like we went to bed early to, you know, cuddle and watch a movie and just kind of like take a break from the familyness of it all. And I was like, your parents are still up. They like,

no matter how stealthy or sneaky we could do, this is an old ass house. The floor is squeaky. The bed is squeaky. Like, not doing this because one, yeah, they, they could do the parent thing and bust in and see us. Or two, it's going to be real weird the next day of being like, oh, there's a guy who, you know, really couldn't spend one night away from our daughter.

Yeah. It's kind of just disrespectful. You know what I mean? I guess if you can get away with it, sure. You know what I mean? I'm not going to tell you, I'm not going to lie to everyone's face. I tell them that I'm not super down to have a little sneaky sex. But I'm going to put in the work to make sure that no one's busting in because that would suck for

everybody involved, right? And I'm also not going to do it if the bed's going to be a rocking. You know what I mean? If the beds are rocking when the parents come a knocking, that's bad. You know what I mean? Like, it's, I'm not going to be fucking rude. I'm like, look, I'm horny. So ergo, we got to ruin everybody's fucking day. Tomorrow's going to suck. You're going to have to deal with this for years. I might break up with you next week. And then I'm scoffrey. Like, no, fuck that. So look, should you be allowed to have sex in your room? Honestly, I don't know, because I don't think you should talk to your parents and go, can I fuck, Mom?

I think it's also not your room anymore. Yeah, right? Like, if you've moved out, wait, like, you're asking this question of being like, can I fuck in someone else's house? And in my opinion, no, not really. You know, I mean, like, no, don't. I think it's weirder to ask than it is to do it.

100%. Yeah, you know what I mean? I think of sitting your parents down and being like, hey, so we're going to fuck, no, that's strange. So if you're going to fuck, you have to make sure, that there is essentially zero chance that you're going to get caught. You have to jump through every hoop. Exactly.

Or not do it, right? It's like, it doesn't matter if you should be allowed to. And again, why should you be allowed to? Yeah. And I'm fully on board. I want you to fuck. I think you should be fucking. I just don't know if you should be allowed to.

And yeah, again, it's just like, you put this poor guy in the worst position imaginable because, like, they will never like him. No. Right? Like, this will always be as, bless you. Bless you again.

Ooh. You made a cartoon sound after the second one. They will never like him. This will be a ammunition against him forever. They already don't like him. And now she has seen you defile her sweet young daughter. It's bad. You've,

you've like ruined this dynamic forever. Yeah. You did a bad thing. Not that you did a bad thing. You did a thing badly. No, you did a skill issue. Blow jobs are, are bad and immoral.

What would Gibo say? What would he say? All right. All right. 791. How big of a deal breaker is not having a car for dating in Toronto? 23-year-old male been on a couple of dating apps before, and I see on social media that it seems to be a deal breaker to a good amount of women.

Maybe it could be also because I don't live in the core, but I notice a lot of dating app bios from women do state they want to be a passenger princess, which means they basically want a man with a car to drive them around and they put in their bios. They love to go on night drives. From seeing this, I was wondering if not having a car is a big deal for a guy in Toronto. I don't even have a license and I never had a problem. These two guys have never driven. So never had an issue.

I don't know. I mean, I guess it depends on what part of Toronto you're in. Like, are you in a Tobico or? They do seem to say they're outside the core. And I think, like, look, if you start trying to date someone and their deal breaker is, oh, you can't pick me up and drive me around. One, do you want to date that person? And two, I've driven around randomly.

at night for no reason. We don't want that. These are, those are bot accounts. If they're like, I want a strange man to pick me up at night when I'm fully in his power and drive me somewhere remote. Because you're not driving around downtown unless you want to just sit in traffic. So, no, those are bot accounts, my dude. Nobody cares.

Once you have the ability to get around, be that Uber transport, bike, whatever, like, if you can handle your shit, I think it's fair to expect them to handle their shit and then you're good. Yeah, I, I've never run into this problem at all. No, I've dated people who live an hour and a half drive outside the city. We made it work. Yep. So, yeah. You're good. And look, am I going to say that there are people I stop seeing the second they left sort of a certain radius from which is a comfortable distance for me to travel? Yeah, but that's just like, that's just a nature of like dating, right? Like if you're going to live out or move out to Scarborough, I know this doesn't mean anything if you don't live in Toronto, but like if you're going to

sort of like an hour plus outside of the city. Yeah. It's like I we're probably not going to see each other as much as we did when you live down the street from me. And that can be a deal breaker. Casual stuff. Yeah. And again it's the same as like if somebody leaves the country.

It's like distance time, amount of time you're going to see someone are all issues. So make sense. But no, you're fine. And like again, I think if you're in like a non-walkable place like half the fucking states or like the back arse of nowhere, yeah, you're going to need a car. Toronto is not a car city. If you want your day to get worse, get a car and try

to go somewhere in Toronto. It's like, oh, I could get there in an hour on transit or I could get there in, oh, an hour on car. It's the exact same thing. And then I'm going to get there, spend 20 minutes trying to get fucking parking, spend out my asshole to try to get that parking. And then I'm going to come back and somehow I have a ticket because. Yeah, those are insane. Because you have to try to decipher the fucking hieroglyphics and like, you know, logic puzzle that is our parking system of being like, Oh, so you can park here on the right of the arrow between seven and eight. But if it's a Wednesday, then it's only seven to nine. And if it's rush hour, it's double prices on the ticket.

But if it's snowing, it's a snowplow zone. And like, okay, your car's been exploded by the government because you park there for too long. Go fuck yourself. You're fine. You're fine. And again, if someone is this like materialistic, I guess, fuck them. I mean, this is, it all comes down to like a lot of stuff where people are like, is this a deal breaker in this place or, you know, do women not want to date someone?

Like, you will find the amount of, I would say I've dated a pretty wide spread of types of women, both personality and like where they are in their lives and sort of preferences or whatever. And I don't think at any point in time, any one of them had been like, you don't wear our money suits. so I don't want to see you anymore. Yeah, but that's because you wear a Mountie suits. Like you're wearing five right now. It's true. Yeah, I layer them up so that I'm big, large suit man. I've definitely like been with people who are like, oh, I need more time from you and I'm not getting it so this isn't going to work. And I've been with people who are like, I'm looking for something more than just like a 2 a.m. booty call.

So this isn't going to work. So it's like all the things that have led to me stopping seeing someone has always been a difference of like, what we want, what we're looking for, what I can provide, what they can provide, what they're willing to do, what I'm willing to do. And those are, those are where my relationship have fallen apart with, with people who have been like, you know, very successful business people, very artsy, like hippie people, very sort of, you know, average kind of like nine to five or whatever. Like, I've dated all kinds of, like, different walks of life. And I've never encountered anyone who has been like, oh, you don't have X. You don't. You don't.

you know, where you're living or what you wear or what you drive or like, that's never been an issue for me, my entire dating life. Yeah. And if it was, it would be a case of like, maybe this is harsh, but like the trash taking itself out, right? Like if someone was to judge me based on my lack of a car, like they can go fuck themselves. Because again, if that matters to you, it's cool because you're then the kind of person I don't need to spend energy on because you're kind of worthless. Yeah, I mean, like, I'm sure there are people who gave that energy or who pish posh the fact that like, I lived in the West End and not downtown or whatever, right? Like, and when it gets like, I don't see that as like me losing a potential partner. I see that as,

as you kind of said, it's like, I see it as sort of like, oh, this isn't like, I have no interest in dating you. And it doesn't matter what you look like or, or whether I think you're attractive or not, or whether we had good banter, if this is your priorities, is the same way it's like, you could be like, is being a left wing person bad for dating? I've noticed a lot of,

or like the opposite, right? Like what you're describing is, is a fundamental, regardless of what, like, what they're looking for. If they're saying, oh,

hey, I need someone to be, you know, X height or I need someone to be, drive this kind of car or have a car. And I need someone to like, live in a condo or whatever, right?

Like any sort of like thing that they are looking at. for? I feel like I want to go against you because you said it's the same as like being left wing or whatever. Well, I think that's totally different because like if you're left wing and like or someone doesn't like you because you're left wing, it's like that's actually pretty important because it's like, you know, like let's say for example, I don't like someone because they're right wing. It's not me just being like, you need a car. It's me being like, hey, you hate, you know, people who are minorities and you're a homophob. Go fuck yourself. What I'm saying is those are, those are indicative of a personality. Those are indicative of values, right? So it's like they're a little less extreme than

someone being like, I'm a conservative or I'm a far right whatever, right? But someone's saying, I value material things. Yes. Over your personality or what you bring to the table, those are judgments and values that someone inhabits that I think. So it's like you shouldn't be looking at like, oh, I'm not going to get a date with this person because I'm not driving. So I've lost out. It's no, I don't, I don't want to date someone who put so much value on someone's worth based on it. And so, you know, I feel like, people need to zoom out. And it's not a you issue, right? It's a damn issue. That's the thing. It's like, ah, shit, I don't have a car. I'm lesser. No, it's this person's judging people based on this. Like, you could be a piece

of shit and have a car. Look at half the people in cars. Yeah, exactly. Or the same thing of like, if someone's looking for someone, be like, oh, like the six, six, six value. You need to be Satan. Yeah. It's like if like anyone, just because you have a six figure bank account or job doesn't make you a good person. But if that's what you're looking for, then it's indicative of the kind of person that you are, that you're willing to overlook, you know, bad people or people who are shitty because of a dollar value. That to me is the same thing as someone being like, I'm right wing. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm not going to vibe with you. Your core principles and the thing that matter to you, are bad to me and I hate. So I don't care if it's the same way it's like I've definitely matched with people. And when things were getting more politically charged I had on my profile being like, I'm not interested in dating conservatives and I'm not interested in dating cops and I'm not interested in dating like these kind of people.

And every now when I'd match with someone, be like, well, I'm this. I'm like, well, I didn't know that. And you match with me. Yeah. What'd you fucking sway? Yeah. Like, did you just match with me specifically to yell at me at me. about this? Because like, now's the point where I say, cool, I don't want to take you and then

I'm matched with you. I feel like they probably didn't believe it because like I do think conservatism is based so much on like, oh, my values aren't rigid. My values are like my team. You know what I mean? So it's like they don't have a thing they stand by, right? Which is why I think they're so confused when like, you know, people are like, you know, oh, Bill Clinton's in the files and everyone's like, yeah, cool, arrest him. And they're like, what? It's like Trump's in the files. like, oh, we support them. It's like, what do you do it? It's like one, yeah, anyway, we could get into all this shit.

I bet it's also probably because most dudes, the second they're called out on their values, probably fold and probably like if they're hot enough, you know, I mean? Like, the woman is, is attractive enough. They're probably like, well, you know, maybe for you. Like, uh, I'm sure that a lot of conservative women find that dudes will kind of bend over a little backwards to make it work for them if, if they're getting attention and they're not used to it. So, but yeah, it's, it's a judgment thing and just take a second and zoom out and understand what that really means.

What needing a car in order to date someone actually means and what it says about them and not about you. Yeah. You don't want that. You don't want that. This is from a silly extreme, wake my man up to a blowjob unsuccessful two times now. I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. So I'll just dive into the details. My, or male 33 year old and I'm a female 25 year old.

He's asked me to wake him up with a BJ, which I have no issue doing, but it's the way he sleeps. It's hard for me to initiate. He's a side sleeper, but in almost a tight little ball and never really on his back. So it's been hard to start something. And I don't know how to be honest. The first time I tried to open his legs and I got told to chill the fuck out in a kisses off tone. And he immediately passed out, didn't try again. The second time I tried, I almost got need in the face.

now to this morning. He gave me a tip and I tried to follow it. And when he kind of woke up, I asked him to roll over and he got mad because I shouldn't have to ask him to and that I was giving him a hand job. I guess he didn't like them. But like I can't give a blowjob when you're on your side, or at least I can't. I can barely give a blowjob on my knees, let alone laying on my side. Any and all tips on how to navigate this. I've tried to talk to him about it. He said tried to give me tips. So I don't know what else to do. Then,

uh, yeah, I don't understand what the last couple words. I mean, I fucking love this because it's just like, it's just such a mundane problem. It's like he wants to be going to come up with a blowjob. And like there's me thinking of all the possibilities.

It's like he sleeps in the ball and when I try to wake him up, he grumpy. It's like, it's so good. It's so good. What can you do here? Like you got to tie him up. for bed. You gotta tie both legs to the bottom of the bed, both arms to the top, and then he

sleeps spread-eagled so that you just have clean access in the morning. Soft. Like, how much of a piece of shit do you have to be to be like, hey, baby, I really want you to wake me up with a blowjob. And then your partner's like, hell yeah, I'm all for that. I'll do that, no problem. And then every time she tries, you're like, you're a piece of shit. I hate you. Fucking stop. Get away from me, what are you doing? Like, it's in. And I'm assuming, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt probably too kindly that he is sleepy. And like, he's like, go away. And like, and it's not like forceful or it's not on purpose.

Although you imagine then there would be a little bit of a hey. I'm sorry. Instead of why haven't you done it yet? Yes. When she's like, well, like I, how do I do? And he's like, well, I've already given you tips. So figure it out. Yeah.

I will say, I'm confused that she's like, I can barely give a blowjjjj. on my knees. I don't know how to do it on my side. That's confusing to me. That's, it is confusing to me. I don't really know what you mean by that. Like, how can you barely do it on your knees? Yeah, it's right there. It's right there. And even on your side, it's like, I understand if he is in ball form. Like, if he's super Metroid and you're kind of trying to crack the shell, I get that. But this seems to be a separate issue of you being like, oh, I can't do it lying on my side. I mean, I kind of get the side thing. Like, I feel like there's, it's difficult to like, I don't know if I would be the most effective oral sex partner if I was trying to go down on someone

and they were like if I was on my side you know what I mean you never done a you never done a side one no I don't think so it's kind of nice because you got a little thigh to like put your head on yeah like a little pillow and you got full access too it's actually kind of nice because you don't have to crank your head you get you can maneuver right to me there's absolutely no negatives to that right like I've done it and it's just it's fine maybe and anything that would be a negative would be negligible right yeah to the point where I don't imagine it would be brought up with this question. And even then, I'd still probably be less hanging a flag on it or a lantern or whatever you want to hang on this. If she was like,

I could barely do it on my knees anyway. Was that mean? Yeah, that is confusing to me because I feel like that is that's the easiest blow job you would imagine. Never given a blowjob. So maybe I'm talking out my ass here. But I would imagine if you are just sitting there and what you're attempting to perform is just in your face and it's just right there ready to go, then like, I imagine it would be much easier than sort of like, you know, any other position. But again, maybe I'm, maybe I'm lying. Maybe it is tough to do on the knees. I am very tickled by this.

I just love that he has turned his body into an escape room and you are not able to solve it. But in actual real advice, you just got to be like, hey, my dude, you have asked for something. I am very kind in agreeing to doing this and trying to. And I'm a great partner and I'm doing my best. And you're giving me zero help. And every time I've tried, you've kind of been rude and, like, yelled at me. So it's like, how am I supposed to do this when you will not unball, you know? And when I try, you get aggressive.

It's like, surely, you know, and try to have this conversation. And, like, it seems like you have. And he's just kind of been like, you got your advice so fucking come up with something. Yeah. And that sucks. Yeah. I mean, like, you need to lay down sort of like a chronological order of events like you've done here, right? Be like, look, I would like to do this.

You do sleep in a as now described super Metroid ball. And I, that makes it impossible for me to give you a blowjob without waking you up. And when I try to pry you open like a fucking, you know, oyster, you get angry at me and you yell at me and you're like, oh, so what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to like slither between your ball form? Like, that's not going to work. You have to know I cannot. So like, I need to open you up to get in. And you will not allow yourself to be opened.

You've, you've told me to ask you to roll over onto your back. And then when I did that, you got mad at me. So all the things you've told me and all the things you've asked me to do, I have attempted those things and you've got pissed. You've been shitty about it. So I am starting to think that sleepy you does not want the same thing as horning you. And that's fine. Because like I also, in my head, I also like the idea of being woken up by a blowjob. But then I think of the words that I just said and I hear the word woken up and I don't want it anymore.

Yeah. Leave me alone. Let me sleep. That's fair. Right. And it's like maybe. like if it was without this guy's like input, I would probably, like if you hadn't already had these conversations with this guy, I would probably be like, hey, maybe waking him up is more like,

he wakes up and then immediately gets a blowjob. Yes. As opposed to like a literal, like you have to wake him up via the medium of blowjob. Also, he almost needs you. Like this is not sexy. Yeah. It's dangerous. That's it, right? That's where I would propose. And honestly, I think that is where this shines because I don't know but you almost every morning when I wake up I have to pee very badly that's another idea of having someone stimulating my my genitalia while I am ready to pee also sounds like not a great time for anyone look my deepest fear right of this is you know the old like oh you put their finger in a glass of water and they pee what if the wetness on your dick triggers that same impulse and then instead of a sexy morning blowjob you have done peed in into someone yeah it's like

you've peed on yourself on them yeah in their mouth on the bed like you've just made a mess that now it's not like you can't come out afterwards and be like well i've i've cleaned myself up i've brought you a towel blow job yeah let's try again tomorrow although this motherfucker i think he would he's like yeah i need you in the face what when you want deal with it i'm not gonna yuck anyone's I know there are people who like piss play and that's that's fine. But this is a non, a non-planned, non-exciting version. Yes. And maybe it awakens something in you.

That's fine too. I'm just saying. With a blow job. Yeah. There is. And I think the ideal sort of wake up with a blow job is what you described, right? You guys set an alarm. You grumbly kind of wake up.

You get your bearings. And then a blow job is given. And while you're groggy but awake, you, you are woken up by the blow job. It's like a cup of coffee in the morning to wake yourself up, right? When someone says, oh, I always love to wake up with a cup of coffee. They're not saying splash coffee on while they're sleeping. That's not how it fucking works. Again, also not hearing it with yum.

If you're into that, that's fine. And you know what? If someone was trying to pour hot coffee on my face, I would be trying to need them. So, you know, it's all come full circle. I think any sort of interruption of my sleep is going to be met probably pretty hostile. And I get that. So you got to talk to them. if he is unwilling to meet you halfway ever, let alone when you're doing a very nice thing for him or trying to, fuck this dude.

Like, get out of there. Because that's just very indicative of how things are going to go, I think, in the future of this relationship, because it's me, me, me. And then literally fuck your realistic concerns. And that's not good. And not even concerns. She's still trying to figure out how to do this. It's not even like, she's like, oh, hey, sorry, you almost need me. And I'm kind of scared to do this anymore.

And he's like, well, you're still going to do it. She's ignoring all of that and it's like, hey, I... She's a fighter. Trooper. Powerful. She has a fucking goal and she's going to achieve it and I appreciate that. But maybe this isn't the man who's worthy of that, that, you know, vigor, the determination. Like grit.

Yeah. Like, guys. I was going to say, I don't know. I have no idea how long this episode is because we have had to stop and start. I think 19 times. It's been awful. It's been a fucking nightmare. It's been so bad.

I think we're done. We've done four questions. Maybe this is two hours. Maybe it's half an hour. I don't know. If it's a little short, we're sorry. If it's a little long,

you're welcome. You're welcome. We love you. Thanks for being here. If you want to support us, maybe if we had more money, we wouldn't have technical difficulties. And there's a way that you can help with that.

And it's by going to our Patreon. So I don't know. We could hire like a producer. We could hire a producer. Like we would be in a nice comfy spot or whatever. Oh, comfy? Drinking like, like Yarbom.

Mate, whatever those things are? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Dude, do I know what those things are? I'm a climber. All climbers drink is Yarba Mates. Is it really? Is that it? It's the climber drink. And they give them away for free in the gym all the time. It's great. Okay, that's pretty cool. Not that I've climbed in like two fucking months. But yeah, it's, we could be having Yarba Mates on a couch while like our guy Dave is just like figuring it out. And then, you know, he does. He works hard. We pay him well. We say thank you, Dave. We're appreciative. We're not taking advantage of Dave. Dave's freaking out in the corner and we don't care. Not in the bad way. We haven't noticed because we're having so much fun drinking our herb is and we're comfy. Like we do care about Dave.

Don't worry about that. And Dave is getting paid because so many of you have joined the Patreon. But we all have to let that stress into our life. Dave's equipped to deal with that stress. He's a producer. They're made of steel. We're not. We're soft podcast boys.

We're soft talent. Yeah. Exactly. And we've been in the production minds and it's hard. It's bad. We love you guys. So thank you. There's extra episodes on there.

And yes, we love you. So please, and if you don't want to hop on there and buy us a Dave, that's fine. You can share us, you can rate us, you can review us, you can tell a friend. Maybe it'll hear Dave will hear it and be like, I am dedicated myself. I don't need to be paid. But pay your artist. Yeah, no, we would pay you regardless. We'd figure it out.

Yeah. This is by Gary Gygax. No. This guy who made D&D. And this is the scenario. I'm going to give you context prior. You know what I mean? You know the way sometimes I give you the context after?

Yeah. This is context prior. This is his character meeting, or whatever he's writing about, meeting a noble woman who's being held hostage. Evely was gowned and velvet the same color as her eyes. And the low bodice of the dress revealed the perfect symmetry of her creamy breasts. Gord found himself staring at the single amethos nestled between these hemispheres and wishing he were that pendant when she turned to speak with him.

Her long tresses bound by a fillet of thin gold, rippled as silk stirred by a soft breeze. It was difficult for Gord to understand what she said because her full mouth and soft lift fascinated his eyes to an extent that his audio sense seemed out of touch with his brain. Imagine this hero shows up to save you. Just staring at your chest and ignoring you.

Like, damn, that sucks. It is kind of indicative of what a D&D player usually does in the sense that they are ignoring and fucking around while the MPC is giving vital and crucial quest information. It's usually not, well, it's sometimes as horny, but like. Usually in a cooler way. Yeah, not as objectification-y. Yes, it's true.

But it is certainly true to form in terms of distraction and not listening to the NPC that a GM has put a lot of effort in creating as the narrative that they've weaved. meticulously crafted and is telling us the one thing we need to know. And then in three sessions, we'll be like, wait, what? There was a door that whole time. All I remember are those hemispheres. True. The creamy hemispheres.

And I'm Nassphan. We've been your fun place. You know,