F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Michelle Obama's Biography

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Oh, this?  It's just my favourite book that I read from time to time to really get inspired, Michelle knows what she's doing!  Topics include performative males, emotionally filling her cup, mommy back rubs, uneducated kinksters. Support the show on Patreon

Hello, friends. My name's Dave Ler. And I'm Nile Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We're your sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situation. Turn them into sexy sticky situations. Nailed it. Simply put, we are a podcast and we find sex and day advice questions either from our wonderful listeners or from around the internet. And we answer them right here right now every Monday. And we're going to start Dane with an update. Would you like to kindly cast her mind back into the depths of the past? The thing you like to do most,

remembering a past podcast episode you've recorded. Yeah. But you will remember this one, the brick question. Okay. There's an update. She gave me a brick as big as my head, guys,

she's the one. I bought her a brick and wrote, will you go out with me on it? And I put it in a basket with stuff she likes. But when I picked her up, she carried her brick down the tote bag and handed to me and boom, there it is.

So obviously I asked her out, gave her brick and basket, and she said yes, smiley face. Now, if that ain't the most romantic story, in the 2020s. I don't know what it is.

I love it. To be fair, that was the advice. So I would like to take full credit for this person's relationship. Well, think about it this way, right? She comes down with a brick. You don't have a brick.

Damn. She's all of a sudden. I don't know. Am I doing the right thing? I'm with the right person. Sorry, I thought we had something. Yeah. I thought you were fun.

I love that she got a giant brick. Yes, that's Green Flagg City. There's a lot of things happening there. One, it's like, who doesn't like a strong woman, both, you know, of character and of body. And of humor. And yeah. And she's just like, I'm going to find the biggest fucking brick that I could get. Yeah.

And I'm just going to sling that over my shoulder for him. Yeah. That's genuinely one of the greenest flags I've ever seen. Yeah. And we're here for it. So I hope you brick lovers, just hope you do it. And I like, and I like that he was like, you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to saw.

If the, if the brick isn't enough, I'm going to be. I'm gonna give you a little gift because I'm not sure. I think that's a smart move. Red flag. Yeah. Didn't commit. She's too good for you. Yeah.

She didn't give you shit. Did she give you a brick because she had full faith. You had your bets and that's loser. Right. Get out. She can hang with us. You can't. Yeah.

You need to go find a bigger brick. I had to be just this these people's fucking apartment is going to be a nightmare because it's going to be like with what happened with my mom and my aunt where my mom, where my mom, my aunt got my mom like a clown thing once. And my mom was like, oh, this is nice. And then proceeded to everyone was just like, oh, Lynn, she loves clowns. And proceed to give her, you know, now we have a whole fucking cabinet full of clowns in my house. The crazy thing is, it's like, that sucks no matter what.

If it's like, oh, you really like, I don't know, breaking bad. Here's all the breaking bad memorabilia. But clowns is the worst one for that. Yeah. Yeah. Which, you know what? I, a lot of people like talk about when they see my house for the first time or my paratos for the first time.

It's, it's better now because it's all contained in one cabinet. There's just a clown cabinet. It's one big clown cabinet. Yeah. Before it was, I don't sure I was there before the clown consolidation of. Yeah,

I think you saw sort of the, the like, it was just like nowhere in the house was safe. Everywhere you look, there was a clown. And I want to really stress that the, the clowns on display were not cute. No, not that clowns were pretty haunted.

Yeah, there's a very haunted painting. It's probably fucking cool, but it's haunted as fuck. My current partner is absolutely fucking obsessed with that painting. And it's rad. Straight up has been like, when your parents die, we're getting that painting. Damn. Like, okay, baby. That's how, that's how horror movies start.

All right, you ready for a question? Yeah. This is by. Actually, this week, why are we going to talk about them? We're going to talk about, I made a performative male profile. on Hinge and did real well. How to fill her cup emotionally. He gives his mom backrubs every night.

Difficulty finding sexually compatible partners. This is by pop immediate 232 or 232 or 232, whichever way you want to do it. I made a performative male profile on Hinge and I got a ton of matches. Inspired by the video, I became performative to bag ABGs on Hinge on YouTube. I tried it myself. Basically stole the prompts on video and used pictures in which I look like a performative male. Also bought the same Michelle Obama biography and made a picture with that. Don't I surprise. I actually got a ton of matches, 60 plus and 48 hours. I'm average looking,

but good pictures and of course paid for hinge plus. It's at the same results like the video. To write with the women, I mostly used chat GPT, told that it should write as if I was super soft and so on. What was interesting is women would stop responding pretty quick. Even though the message before they wrote big text, in my view, they thought that this is what they wanted, but when they got it, they were not interested. I did not meet any of them in the end. I wonder why. Hey, so I made a fake profile that had nothing to do with me. And then I used a garbage robot machine to talk to them.

Yeah. It's almost like all my responses were like vapid and uninteresting. And they could probably tell from a mile off it was chat GPT. So I guess I've proven that manly maddened the only way to go. And it's not even just chat GPT. It's chat GPT through a judgment value that you've made about a. about a yeah but so it's like it's like you know

there's so many layers of inauthenticity disingenuousness yeah that also just anyone a strong level of not getting it yeah just no no thoughts just vibes up there I would love to I'm I'm curious as to I would like to watch this video now and I will be making a separate YouTube account so that my algorithm never knows that I ever clicked on this video because I cannot see anything else.

Right now my YouTube algorithm is pretty fucking spot on. It's, I've, I've honed my YouTube algorithm over, uh, like 20 years and it's, are you a YouTube boy? I,

I mean, I used to be. I used to do YouTube things. No, I know, but I mean, like, do you watch,

do you watch the YouTube's? I've, I've recently been getting more into YouTube content, uh, because I, it's, it's something I can like, if I'm eating and I'm doing something.

There are times where I'm like, I know that the sandwich is going to last me like seven minutes. So I don't really want to start an episode of Daredevil and then like not do work. So I will go on YouTube and be like, I'm going to watch a seven minute video about day game. Yeah. But like, yeah, it's, I find that YouTube is is a lot of perfectly sized entertainment portions of. And it's like maybe I'll watch some like dropouts greatest hits. There was one where it was, it was just like Zach Oyama's perfect like comedy sniper moments.

Yeah, which is all his moments. What else do I want when I'm eating a sandwich? That's fair. Yeah, I never use YouTube. Honestly, like ever.

I think the most like if I go on, my algorithm on YouTube is just like, here's music because I don't think I've really ever used it to watch anything but music. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I have, I mean, there's very few people. that I like, I don't really follow people. It's, it's vibe-based. And it usually is like compilations of stuff and like, but it's stuff that I want compilations. I'm glad.

I'm glad. Zander's best hits from Buffy and you're like things like that. And it's like, yeah, this is great. This is, I don't really have to focus on anything. And if I have to turn it off midway through, it's not like, not going to be upset. What could I pause? No, I don't know what's going to happen with Zander's greatest hits like the later season.

Well, they usually do the best one at the end. so that's why I always watch them backwards. Yeah. What the fuck are we talking about? What is this question? The question was the performative male Chet GPT shit show of just like, again,

having zero fucking idea how the world works and then confidently being like, I've proven this wrong. Like, you're being so much more performative. You understand this, right? Yeah, you're being a performative,

performative male. Yeah. Which is the like I said layers layers of Disaginuous attempts Because like okay look boom you've made a profile You're getting matches you're swimming in ABGs What does that even mean? I believe it's Asian baby girl Oh god, I believe I think or Asian baddie girl or something like that

It's definitely a fetishized that's okay Racialized term didn't expect that one If I'm if I'm not mistaken you match it with with every woman in the city. Everyone wants you. And then you use chat GPT to now woo the ones that you, you connect with the most, connect with. And now they're like, hey, can't wait to meet you.

Let's grab a drink. You meet up. You are not only incapable of talking to them without chat chisput. You're also nothing like how you said you were or the way that you spoke previously because you're using AI. Yeah. So what do you think? Do you think that like when you show up, probably not in the outfits that you're wearing if you like did a whole wardrobe change for your photo shoot?

And if they start talking about like, did you read the Michelle Obama? Of course not. This person is using Ched. Chepti to chat. They can't read. So it's like the second they start talking about things and concepts and ideas and whatever that you don't know about. Like what are you going to talk about? What are you going to say?

Are you just going to be like, uh, gotcha. I'm nothing like that. I'm the opposite of what you thought I was. And do you think it's going to go well for you? Well, yes, because this person also was like, I did a thing, that thing worked, that I did an unrelated thing that was clearly not going to work, proving that people actually didn't want the first thing.

And it's like, okay, you're just bad at science. But also, I kind of want to talk about how seduction and performative males is such an interesting kind of like crossover. Because seduction's whole thing is being performative. But literally their entire fucking bag is here's how to fake a you. Here's how to do all these things that you are literally doing a performance. There's no genuineness to any of it. So all they're doing is being fucking performative.

And yet they have a problem with the quote unquote performative male like trend, which is funny because arguably it's exactly what they aim to do. And I think the reason they just don't like it is because it's quote unquote positive things. and they're allergic to that. Yeah. I mean, yeah, they're looking at it being like,

well, that's the cuck version of what we're doing. It's like, all right, man, like, it's,

it's also funny, because I'm sure they also, they just assume that like, like, I'm sure they would look at us and call us performative males. For sure. Well,

that was another point I want to make. I think we're going to make the same point. So please. No, you go. Please go. So, like,

they're looking at men being responsible and, and vulnerable and, vulnerable, and actually being aware of the world and trying their best to make it safer for women and the people that they date and themselves. And they're working, right? And like they see success because that's kind of where the trend is going

of women being like, I'm not going to date an asshole and I'm not going to date a dude who's going to push and pull and make me and whatever because I don't want to. And then they still, they see these guys doing it. And they're like, oh, performative male. It's like, okay. Like if you're that upset about it, then like, and they can't wrap their head around being like, oh, you're being genuine.

Yeah, that's it. That's the thing. And they just, they can't comprehend like, oh, wait a whole other second. No way that's real. Like that's so fucked up. Yeah. They like have a hard time processing the fact that you can be genuine and you can believe these things and that it's not a grift. Yeah, because the thing is the whole like performative male trend is so much more prevalent than I think any amount of performative males are.

Like I'm sure like we all know people who are a little like, oh yeah, look at me. I'm so woke or whatever and aren't really or like try to use it. Go to the way to be like, I'm a feminist. Yeah, but it's not that prevalent. But like performative male theory or whatever has just blown up. Like the week it fucking existed or the performative male like contest and like. like New York where everyone was showing up as performing a man, which is really funny

but to me it's really bizarre how it went from nothing to this like that quickly. And I really do think it is like the toxic manosphere's way of trying to like cut down actual positive behaviors. I mean like oh that's performative and it's like okay cool I think nobody could quantify.

That's great for you I mean because you get to say it about anything you fucking want. How do you like how do you prove you're not performative? Oh, I did these actionable things. Yeah, but you did them to seem not performative. It's like, you got me. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. I was like, we live in a world now where I just pretty much assume everything is a sciop. I just assume that like everything is proven, right? Like the whole Pizza Gate thing was literally all the pedophiles trying to be like,

oh, we'll get out ahead of our bullshit. And we'll just accuse the other side to do what we do. And it's like, that was a conspiracy theory announced. No, it's just fact. Great. Yeah. Great. Yeah. I do think that you're right. I think there is a I think it's a rich vein to mine for comedy as well. It is a very funny thing. That's the worst part because it's insidious because I want to make perform of male jokes.

Yeah, yeah. Like, I get it. I get it. There's a lot of string to pull on that ball of yarn of comedy to like make fun of it. So I understand why, especially like, you know, women content creators are jumping on the trends to make fun of it. But I also understand that as you said, like,

It is a pretty big target for people who want to keep men toxic. 100% want to keep men, you know, not swaying in the direction of progressive values and thought and whatever. And like, you don't want young men seeing people being mocked for this, being like, well, oh,

I don't want to look like I'm performing. So I guess I got to not be nice. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. It's insidious, it's a tough, it's a tough bit.

And that's why you just have to like, you just got to be good and and if someone has a problem with that then like that's their that's a their tell situation that's our our advice for a lot of that stuff right where it's just like if you are doing something and you're doing it genuinely and authentically and you because you think it's the right thing to do and I'm not going to make a blanket statement saying that that's always right because you could be you could be on the wrong path but you know if if you're if you're tempting to be the best person for the most amount of people and someone has a problem with that, then they can go fuck themselves.

Likely, the problem is on their end. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think it's just one of those things where it's like, we're all going to have to double down and, and just be like, yeah, I mean, if you want to call me a performative male, that's fine. I'm, I'm okay with that. But it really has no bearing on how I'm going to continue to treat women or continue to live my life or continue to, you know, do this show. I'm not going to be like, oh, now, fuck, man. We got to be, we got to have a mean segment now. Yeah, I'm really sorry, man. I got to quit the show.

Someone called me performative. And there's nothing more performative than a white man on a podcast about being positive. Hey. Yeah, there's like, I don't know. I think you got to look at it. It's like, what would be the benefit of doing hundreds of podcast episodes for

yeah, I don't know. It's great. Anyway, we should take a break because we have our book club choice of the month, which is the Michelle Obama biography. Usually we take money to do these, but we just feel so strong. about. Yeah, we just felt like it's really important at this point in time to really elevate Michelle Obama's message. Yeah, yeah. What is her message? Uh, I believe she was all about like

kid activity or was that Melania? I think no idea and Trump are definitely about the kid activity. Uh, I believe, sorry, Melanie or, uh, Obama or Michelle Obama was the like no kid left behind thing, I think was her initiative. I think you know that we're really not performed. Oh, Or maybe we are performative, but I don't know that the Michelle Obama biography is actually called Becoming. And I just had to look that up. Now, edit that out, Dane, so I seem real woke. Okay. You got a question for me.

Well, I guess we didn't really delve into this thing. This is stupid. You're stupid. You're making a lie. You're fucking being like, oh, I'm a better person I am, getting matches, and then going about the worst way by chat GPTing them, which would have already been bad. But as Dane pointed out, you being like, do it soft. It's just you don't understand life. acting like everybody's a movie caricature.

And that's not realistic. Don't get chat GPT to rate your fucking responses. You can do better than that. And if you can't, that's got to be an issue and you got to be able to understand that, right? You have to. You have to know that if the only way you can communicate with a potential romantic partner is through chat GPT. Using a bland machine, like the worst pipeline. I mean, even if chat GPT is giving you fucking gold, even if it's serenot de Bergerac in your ass,

Eventually, you're going to get to a point where you're going to be face to face with this person and you can't use ChantyPT unless you're going to look like a fucking lunatic. Yeah. Like, what are you doing? Eventually, this pipeline of communication is going to come to a screeching halt. Yeah, it fails or it succeeds and then fails, which is honestly worse because you put in more time and then the failure is more spectacular. And you're looking at the, look, AI has been proven over. and over and over again to melt your mind, to make you delusional. There's an MIT study that just came out that that AI is like built specifically to,

to feed into your delusions. So as you use it, you are getting worse at what you're using it for. In this case, speaking to other human beings. So if you want to be successful romantically and sexually, the most important thing, the thing we talk about every fucking question is communicating. Yes. If you are unable to do that without the use of a fucking AI tool, then you are not ever going to be successful in a relationship.

And that is, and I'm not talking about, I'm talking broader as well. I'm not talking about just sexual or romantic anymore. What I am talking about is if you require AI to write your emails, if you're requiring to write your, your text messages, your dating profile, if all of that is coming from AI, you will never be able to have a proper human connection within like two or three years, your brain will be so fucking rotted and slushy mug garbage that you will never be able to hold a real conversation because at the back of your brain, it's going to say, what prompt would I use to respond to this? And that is a stupid insane thing to happen to another, to like to a human being

that's in front of you, right? Instead of listening to what they're saying and reacting like a human being, you're going to be promptifying the conversation you're having. And that's a nightmare. And if you don't understand that that's a nightmare, you're already too far gone. You're already in the fucking slop. Dane, I agree with your statement. And I'd like to respond in the way that's detailed and warm. Maybe with a funny, I don't know how prompts work, but probably something like that. It's bad. And that's the best thing is, Dane's literally just talking about one aspect and not the myriad of other ones. So, anyway, don't do it. Well, yeah, I mean, I could turn this into a full fucking...

We could go for the next 40 fucking minutes about how it's a tool of the right wing, how it's fucking destroying the environment. But just don't atrophy your fucking social skills. Now, hit me a question. This is from Blue J. Responsible. How to fill her cup emotional for sex? My fiancé has never been the type to engage in having sex with me or telling me that she's horny. This is, I think...

Bad start. There is some, I think, language situation. here? Or they're an AI user. I do not think this is a. This is so poorly that. They've stepped away from it. Oh, yes. You know what I mean like this is. Yeah, post atrophy. Yeah. I think what they're trying to say is that she doesn't initiate sex. Yeah. Yeah. Um, uh, or telling me that she's horny or anything like that. The sex is good when we have it. But if I don't initiate sex, then we are not having sex in the past. I would go or I would do tests throughout weeks to see how long I could if I don't initiate and basically crack every time around two weeks.

I've come to kind of resent her for it because I guess I'm now, I'm like, I'm done. I don't always want to be the one to initiate sex as I want to feel some passion, feel desired by her as well. It's always been incredibly hard to speak about my feelings, in addition to my girlfriend being incredibly emotional. And she breaks down and cry every time I calmly speak to her about any problem. The time I brought it up, I asked if she ever has urges to have sex or jump on me. And she told me, I need to fill her cup emotionally with walks, quality of time, and other love languages. Before she wants to basically reward me with sex, like it's some kind of transaction, which doesn't sound like an urge to me. Even after working on making sure I do all those things, nothing has changed.

What do I do? Or, yeah, what do I do as I basically come to terms with the fact that our marriage will just eventually become a dead bedroom relationship forever? Well, first off, why did you marry this person? Or why are you, their fiancé? They're not even married yet. Oh, okay. But I mean, why'd you get engaged? Like, that's surely you realize, anyway, whatever.

That's, we all know how I feel about that. I was going to say communicate, you did. I hate the response you got. I hate that it was like, you got to do these things for you to earn your reward. Like, if she was feeling emotionally unfulfilled, totally valid thing to say or whatever, right? It's still super weird to be like, this is your reward. Like, I think that's really grotty communication. It could be a translation error.

It could be a. And also that's his editorial life of it. Sure. We can caveat it for sure. However, it's, we've talked about this before. If you have communication, if you do the communication thing, it's not just done. It's not like, well, I did it. I talked. We had talked. We got to move on. Like, you've done it. And now you're putting in more effort where she asked you to, but nothing has changed. So this is time for a conversation number two where you say, hey, babe, I've been trying to, you know, make sure we go on walks, do all these things. like how has that been for you? Have you noticed an improvement? Like, and then see what she says. If

she's like, oh, what are you talking about? I think that's pretty clear that she was just saying shit, right? If she's like, yeah, I'm enjoying it, but like it really feels like you're doing it like performatively to get sex. Or is she like, yeah, I like this, but like when we go on the walks are always on your phone or something or, you know, talk to her. Be like, hey, I'm trying to put into more work. How do you feel about that? And then be like, on the flip side, you haven't seemed to want to have sex with me. And like, explain like, hey, I. I. I genuinely feel like pretty upset about this. Like I feel unwanted.

I'm worried that, you know, blah, blah, blah. Bring those concerns up. Have an actual conversation. Because I don't even know if you've told her where you're coming from. Or have you just been like, I'm horny. I think that's it. Or whatever. Right?

Like, have you had the conversation of being like, I don't feel wanted? I feel like, like it's tough for me because when I, I'm the only one who initiates, I feel like it's something that I want and something you don't. And while I enjoy the sex, that we have and I love the sex that we have and I feel like it's it's very good. I want that like I want you to want it and I want to feel wanted. And those are those are important things, right? Because she's asking you for something, right? She's saying I need quality time. I need my emotional cup filled. But you're asking for something too. And you're just as valid and just as, you know,

allowed to ask for something in return as well of being like, I want to feel wanted. I want you to put in some effort. Like as much as you want your cup to be filled, like, I kind of want my cup to be filled too. And like, I'm happy to find a place where those are done simultaneously, right? Yeah. Because you're like, I pour all of my attention and focus and whatever into your cup so that you may, you know, dribble a little into mine. Yeah. And that's not, that's not, that's not how relationships work. The thing is, you're not asking for more physical shit, really, because not having sex isn't an issue. It's just not having sex when she, like, you know, without your input.

So it's like you're not coming at this like, I want more sex. It seems like you can have sex when you want sex. You just want your emotional cup filled, as Dan was saying. So it's like it's the same issue. And it's like making sure that you're phrasing it that way and letting them know where you're coming from. And that, like that should help them get their head around the issue. But also, if you're trying to put in the effort, maybe talk to them, check in and see how your effort. is going. Like, are you meeting their needs? Is there something else or whatever? Like,

the communication isn't just a one and done. That's the big point I want to make here. You follow up. Yeah. And it might be worth like even saying like what are some ideal things, right? Like, like make a list for each other. Be like, here are the things that like would fill my cup. You know, telling me I look good. Telling me I'm sexy. Saying you, you want me. Initiating sex. Like these are things that I'm looking for. And those are like unreasonable things to ask for. Like you're not being needy. You're not asking for, as Nile said, it's not like you're saying, like, I want a regimented sex every day that has to last X and you have to do Y and you have to, you know what I mean? It's not like you're being demanding or trying to regulate a sexual experience here.

You're asking for emotional support, really. What you're asking for is not physical. It's emotional. Yeah. The same thing that she's doing. I would also like clarify, be like, look, like you like having sex, right? You want to have sex. because if she wants to have sex but doesn't initiate,

like, you know, it doesn't make sense. Whereas if she doesn't want to have sex, that sucks. And that's also something you really need to figure out. Like, she's just reluctantly saying yes every time you want to, which of course is going to be in the back of your head if you're the only one initiating. And this is just a thing you need to get out of the way and figure out before you guys get married. Because if for some reason her sex drive just isn't there, you're going to need to know that.

If it's already causing problems, you don't want to marry someone and find out that they just have zero libido or are asexual or whatever if sex is a high priority thing for you. Yeah. And look, it may also come down to something as like there is a block for her regarding either socialization, past trauma,

hang up on sex for whatever reason. Like this, you might be asking more of her than she has the capacity to currently deal with in the sense of like maybe she does need to go to therapy and work on some things that like that there is a block in terms

of her mind being like, you're allowed to ask for sex. Like, sex is the thing that you're allowed to do. You don't need to wait for the man to initiate sex. You don't need to, like, you're not a bad person if you want it. Because I know a lot of people who still hold those ideas of being like, you know, hear it all the time at the bar where people are like just talking about how it's got to be them. Like you can't give it up too early.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, this is the fucking 50s? What the hell are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. And that's the thing. hopefully when you start to communicate, if there is an issue, she will bring that up, right? Like, she could have been deflecting with the like,

oh, my emotional call. You don't know. So you got to keep communicating until you get to the bottom of it. And if your partner is unwilling to communicate or like not doing it in good faith or just dismissive or you're not getting anywhere, then it's time to have either a hard conversation or make a hard decision. Yeah. Yeah.

The idea of just resigning yourself and being like, well, I guess it'll just be a dead bedroom. That's not the only option. Yeah. Like there are other options. here. And it's like you don't just have to resign yourself to unhappiness forever. Yeah, that seems like the bad option. Yes. And I understand that like, you know, breaking off an engagement is tough and big, you know, a big deal. But easier than breaking off a wedding. Yeah. Or divorcing to like a year in after you've spent all this money on a fucking wedding. And, you know, like it's, it's not the only

option. Consider that as well. We're going to take a quick break. We will be right back. He said he gives his mom backrubs every night. It's by opening Amoeba 91. Went on a third date with a guy, male 29, and we were on the topic of me buying a home. He tells me he has no desire to move out and lives with his mom. He smokes weed with her all the time and does bong rips with her on the weekend. He tells me he pays little rent and it covers the grocery she buys them, then blurts out, I give her backrubs every night.

Is this something normal to say on a third date with pretty much no context? I mean, I think that's the least troubling thing that's happening here. I mean, like, I think more of the fact that there's a 30-year-old man or almost 30-year-old man who says, I have no intention of moving out of my mother's house. I think that's the bigger problem. 100%, it's funny because that seems almost like the throwaway one, and it's like almost like getting worse as it goes down. But it's the opposite. Gives her back ribs every night? Good son.

Well done. Yeah. Like if he was living on his own and he was like, yes, I hang out with my mom. We smoke weed. I gave her back rubs. Like that to me kind of sweet, right? Like if you're just chilling with your mom, just fucking. This mom's cool as hell.

She bong rips on the weekend. Hell yeah. Yeah. Whatever. And it's like, I don't even like drugs. I'm not a drug guy. But like if so, if that's just someone like how they connect with their parents. Yeah.

I don't get a great relationship for your mom. As long as you guys aren't doing something terrible. Yeah. Like, whatever. Whatever. It's the like, I don't want to move out. and I don't want to have any sort of financial responsibility and I don't really know. You know, like, yeah, he's like, I pay a little rent and she buys me groceries.

It's like, are you useless? Yeah, right? Like, okay, let's let's fast forward into this relationship. You start dating. It goes well. He finally is like, yes, it makes sense for me and me to, like, move in with you. I promise you, this guy doesn't know how to do laundry. This guy probably doesn't know how to cook a fucking real meal.

He doesn't know how to go grocery shopping. there's a mom's coming over every night to get blasted yeah it's and maybe that's unfair to say but no no I think it's pretty fucking fair to say honestly it's you just you need

to look at like situations and context and like you're not focusing on the right thing as well said you seem to toss away the big problem which is a adult man having no intention it's not even like you like if you know times are tough

if you have to move back him with your family, that's fine. I'm not going to throw judgment. I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to try to emasculate you or make you feel like less of a person or whatever. Like, if you need help and you have a family support system that can help you, hell yeah, by all means, go for it. But if you then say, I'm going to use this family support system for the rest of my life and never attempt to make my situation better, that's when I have a problem. That's what I think There's there's an issue. Now I would love to know is there context we're missing?

Is he like, oh, my mom needs help or something? Yeah. Right. Like is the weed he smokes his mom because she has a medical issue and it's like medical marijuana. Yeah. It's like, oh, she has terminal cancer and this is the only way she feels good and I get to spend time with my mom. Are the back rubs also a medical thing? Because with a little twisting, this could actually be a very sweet but also heartbreaking

scenario where he's actually a good guy. if it's literally just like, I don't got to be rent. I get blasted every day. Like, blah, blah, blah. Like, if he's not even like saving any of this extra, you know, if he's working,

maybe he isn't. And he's just spending all his money on weed and staying at home and never wants to move out. Yeah, red flag fucking city. Who would want to date that? If he's a kind son looking after his mom, giving her medicinal backrubs and saving his hard earned money, great guy.

Yeah. If the whole like, oh, I'm never going to move out is because like, you know, as long as my mom needs me. Yeah. I am.

If that's the vibe, then yes, for sure, I've got no problem with this. You're being a good son. But if it is a situation of just being like, yeah, I've been coddled my whole life. And I'm living easy street, baby. You guys out there paying rent. I'm a coddled useless waster. Yeah. Then, you know, I think there is a troubling amount of things that you're going to have to deal with if you continue to date this guy.

And it would literally be, my guess would be like dating a like six years. year old. Yeah, 100%, but the important thing is like, one, to get your priorities in order. I feel like you almost went sexual with the back rubs. It feels like a weird way to go with it. Are you trying to imply that? Because like, that would be an insane awful thing. So maybe don't do that. And if not, then why is it an issue? And like, if you're worried about the other stuff, clarify, communicate, talk to them, be like, oh, wait, you don't want to move out. Why is that? If he's just like, I get to fucking smoke weed every day. Like, cool. Is that your life? Is that your lifestyle that you want to get tired of?

Yeah, my mom pauses Doritos and weed for me. Yeah. Why the fuck would I? And it's like, look, you know what? In this, in this world? Maybe he's doing that right. Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, I'm not going to like, I'm not saying this guy is doing anything wrong. I'm just saying

I don't think he's a very strong candidate for a successful relationship. Unless that's what you want. And, you know, I do think it's important to learn your life skills, no matter who you are or what do. But like podcasting. The fucking world is a nightmare. If you got if you got access to free weed and a roof over your head and groceries like you're doing a lot of people. Yeah.

So you know, if this guy wants to chase his bliss, go for it. But I don't think your bliss is at the end of the path of this man. This is from conference smoothie having difficulty finding sexual compatible partners. As the title suggests, I'm having difficulty, not with sex itself, but with finding a partner whose kinks align with mine. There are plenty of men I'm attracted to, but when I start talking to them and try to lean or learn what they're into sexually, it rarely seems to match what I'm looking for. One of my biggest pet peeves, and honestly an instant turn-up, is when I share my kinks and it isn't met with the respect or understanding. I've noticed that as soon as men here I'm interested in Dom's sub-man dynamics, they immediately start

acting like my dom. Even though I never said I wanted to be submissive. to them specifically or even had an open, honest conversation about what they'd like for me. Whether or whenever that happens, I usually just stop talking to them. Another issue is that a lot of men seem to hear the word kink and automatically assume it just means rough sex rather than actually understanding the kink world and the communication boundaries and trust that comes with it. Honestly, I would prefer someone experienced as I have little experience in the kink world myself.

I would love to become more sexually active, safely, of course, but I'm not sure how else find men who share the same interest and approach to kink. Has anyone had this issue? And how do you go about finding partners who are actually compatible? Well, you've come up against the problem of meeting normies. Just people who are just living life, just a normal person, unfortunately. Because I do think everybody's baseline sexual health knowledge and sexual knowledge and like sexual vocabulary and like kink knowledge are fucking low. Right. Like there's a reason the show exists. Right. If everyone was out there doing it right. People are like, what are you redundant fucks doing? Yeah. So is it the way it should be? No. Is it the way it is? Yeah. You know, unfortunately. And I guess that leaves you

with a couple options. That is to when someone is ignorant, you educate them, right? You could be like, hey, I don't love that you immediately hopped into assuming I was, you know, the sub and basically elaborating on like actually this is what I'm into X, Y, Z, W. And then once you open that door, if they're still like, I don't know, just being fucking weird or immature or that freaks them out, that's a pretty good litmus test. Whereas if they're like, oh, sorry, I thought you meant X. Yeah, maybe it's still not a great moment, but like I think that's important, right? Two, you stay in kink communities, right? You join a kink dating app or you go to like kink events and then you're going to be hopefully swimming in the same pools as people who have that vocabulary, who have the respect and the knowledge.

That's the easiest way to do it, it seems like to me. Yeah, there's where I'm struggling right now, and I understand everything that this person says, and I understand exactly where you're coming from. But there is the point at the end where she's like, oh, I'm not experienced. And I would like to meet someone who is experienced so I can learn. So you understand that like there is a onus sometimes to teach, right, to inform, to educate. And I understand it can be exhausting if you have to go through the basis. of things with everyone. But I think that like it shouldn't be an immediate no or immediate turnoff or whatever if someone doesn't respond exactly to the kink that you're proposing or talking about exactly the way because then you say like, oh, it's important to communicate. It's like, yeah, that is correct. Yeah.

And I do understand like, I understand the like the knee jerk up being like, for fuck's sake of talking about Dom Sub and someone immediately. being like, well, I'll, you know, like, if it's getting like overtly sexual immediately, then like, yes, I get it. And I also understand, like, the idea of, of kink equating to rough sex for a lot of people and be like, that's not. Again, normie behavior. They have no idea.

They just think, oh, I saw 50 shades gray trailer once. Yeah. Like, kink could be something as simple as like, I'm going to wear clown makeup. Yeah. And we're going to have completely. I'm sorry. We call that simple. I guess in your house.

Yeah. So here's a couple things. One, if you're finding an issue with explaining your kinks, then maybe don't put labels on that are so easily misconstrued, right? If you are into DOM sub stuff, but don't want to immediately determine that thing, then like have the conversation of negotiating what that dynamic looks like without using the terms.

Yeah. The same thing as like, depending on what you're, like, don't say you're kinky. No one should ever say they're fucking kinky. Let's let's get that out of the way because that's nothing. Especially not to the general public. No.

Like if you want to describe yourself as that on like a personal profile or whatever, like sure, whatever. Because as you said, like kink could mean anything. Right? So it's like to just be like I'm kinky. It's like that's a nothing burger. That's literally fucking nothing. Again, one guy over there's like, I'm kinky. He likes the clown makeup.

The other one's fucking kinky and likes to have hucks in their back. It's like. Yeah. there's another person likes to get a little spanked and to someone else that's pedestrian, it's just like,

it's useless. Just looking like narrow focusing into spanking. Yeah. Like it is a world of spanking. Yeah. Like soft rabbit fur like, you know,

like cloth that that barely does anything up to like we're going to tear skin. Like skin will be broken in this spanking session. So or just like hand using. Yeah. You know, I think using the word kink. reemptively is never going to go well.

I just don't think it's smart. It doesn't give you anything. Yeah. Because again, you talk about it. You say kink is about communication. Then you don't need to have this communication until you're going to have sex with someone. You don't need to bring up all this information before you want to start sleeping with someone or dating someone. So I just think that like maybe you need to pump the brakes a little bit because there's

I'll tell you right now, there's plenty of people that I met when I was dating who would be like, I'm kinky. And they would like tell me their thing. And then I'd be like, great, let's set some ground rules. And they're like, no, that would ruin it. Yeah. Well, you're not kinky. It won't do that. Yeah.

And that was, you know, pretty much every woman that met that had a very specific rough fantasy did not want to set boundaries, ground rules, you know, safe words. And because it would quote unquote ruin it. And I was like, girl, you're going to get hurt. Like, this is going to go bad for you. And I really need you to. It's like, I'm not going to participate this. I'm already bowing out of this. But please, please for your sake.

Yeah. When you approach this without another person, please be safe. Yeah. Because you are going to get hurt and it's going to go bad. And you might think that's hot in your head now. But I promise you when you don't have a rip cord, yeah. It's not going to be hot. It's going to be scary and terrible.

Yeah, for everybody involved. I love the point you made about specificity. Because, again, you're right, King, the broadest fucking term. And even Dom Sub is pretty fucking broad, especially if you have very specific ideas of how that works. So if it is that you want to be the dominant one, why say I'm interested in Dob sub mechanics and not just say, I like being dominant in bad, if that is it?

Or something like, oh, I'm interested in like PowerPlay or blah, blah, blah. Like, there are ways to be specific where you're going to get rid of this margin for error, right? Yeah. Should somebody just assume that the woman's going to be submissive? No, they shouldn't. Is them doing that criminal offense? I don't think so. If everything else is going well and they make this little fumble, you could just correct them pretty fucking easily.

And then if the response is weird. I get the sense that she does want to be the sub. She just doesn't like the assumption or the, like, initial being like, I'm going to be your dumb without talking. about the dynamics of that. I think that's the vibe I get. So it's not even like they're missing the mark entirely. Huh? Well, you get in that vibe, Dan.

We got to talk about your toxic fucking behaviors. Because she says my DOM and not the DOM. Oh. So not toxic behaviors, just Sherlock Holmes. Yeah. I'm breaking it all down. That would be worse. That would honestly, for me, I think, then you're,

you're really just shooting yourself on the foot at that point. And like, again, I don't want to put the, bonus on people, especially women, to teach, especially men. But at the same time, it's like the world's not fucking perfect, right? People aren't just going to jump out the gate responding exactly perfectly to everything you're doing. So it's like if you've tried to explain it and it just hasn't worked, that's one thing. But like, it does seem that you're like, well, they didn't follow my script.

Fuck them. I think giving it a little hell, merry try. If everything else is going right and you like this person, because presumably you like them if you're talking about your sex, you know, predilections. Just give them a chance. It seems pretty easy. You know yourself. Communication is key.

You know yourself you could learn. Why then is it not okay for them to need to learn? You know? Unless they say something completely fucked. Yeah. Give it a little college try. Also, when are you having these conversations?

Yeah. Is it straight off the bat? The way you're phrasing, it makes it sound like this is really early. And like prior to ever having sex, prior to, you know, like, I really don't sort of discuss or enter into kink or, you know, different dynamics until I've slept with someone a couple times because, like, I'm not going to put in that much work if the sexual chemistry isn't there to begin with, right? Like, I want to know what the baseline is. I want to know, I want to be comfortable with you. I want to like get a feel for, for where things are. Because sometimes,

like, sometimes it just happens all naturally in the sense of like, I'm not talking about like kinks that require safe words or whatever, but like sometimes it like sex is, is just as hot as you need it to be without throwing a bunch of stuff in. So kind of like, obviously, if there are things you want to talk about before having sex, by all means. Yeah, for sure.

But I think that like having sex before introducing, you know, layers and layers of things is useful to sort of know where you stand, know what works, know what doesn't work, know what, like maybe the things that you need to communicate a little bit more on. But like sometimes if you,

if you, you just kind of like let it happen naturally, you hook up with something. You're like, fuck yes. All like all the fucking. are getting checked here. And now we can start getting granular and tweaking and doing whatever.

Adding things and whatever. Yeah. I also think if you're the kind of person that can't have sex unless it's your kink, that's not good. Yeah. Right? Like every time you fuck, it has to be your kink.

I think something's gone wrong here. There's, yeah, there's a lot that like this question brings up in terms of kink. And it's an interesting question for me because like I don't want to harsh on someone who is very specific about their kink and wants to do it safely and wants to be respected for it. I don't think

that's, that is not our issue here. No. The issue is like approach. You are looking for a specific result and I think the way you're going about it, you're going to have a very hard time getting that result. You are casting the widest net. Yeah.

And being like, why aren't I getting the rare fish? Presumably casting it at the wrong time too, because you're right. It does feel like this is couple, first couple of like fucking paragraph she's texting off. It doesn't feel like a, we went out a couple times, we hooked

up, we did this, and then I brought it up. Or even like we've been on some dates. It kind of sounds like she's just dropping it on the first few like chats. And again, like, Dom sub doesn't really mean anything without specificity, right? Saying you're into Dom Sub, like, do you want to do it in public?

Do you want, like, are, you know, what is the, what is the dynamic? So saying like, I'm into Dom Sub and then if someone doesn't know the specific dynamic you're into, like not being, yeah, there's no way, again, being like, oh, I'm kinky, I like to be spanked, and then being like, figure out how hard. Yeah. And if you don't get the exact pressure, I'm going to judge you. It's, that's nothing. Yeah. Right. So if you're into Dom Sub, build a relationship with this person. See if you're compatible in the, in sort of the big picture.

And when it's time to have sex and introduce these ideas, tell them what you want specifically, as opposed to being like, I want to be in a Dobb sub relationship. Already doesn't say anything. I am a sub looking for a Dom. I am looking for a verse situation. I want to be the Dom. And then still doesn't mean shit. Still means nothing.

And be like, I want it to be bedroom exclusive. I don't want this to permeate into our day-to-day life. I don't want you to speak like this while we're in public. Yeah, you can't use these words at all. Yeah. You know what I mean? These ones are great. I like praise more than I like degradation.

like, et cetera, et cetera. Like, there's a fucking world. So if you are already getting this upset at them not knowing immediately what you said, it doesn't really bode well for figuring out the rest. So again, I do understand it's shitty to have somebody just like knee jerk assume something because of like gender roles or whatever. Yeah, it sucks. Unfortunately, we've been dealing with gender roles for a long time and we kind of understand

where stereotypes are. So it's like, you know, I'm not saying there's any truth of erasti to them. I'm just saying like you can understand. that society has corrupted this person. And feel free to fucking correct them. Again, if everything else is going fine, don't let like a tiny blip be an issue. I think you should give it at least a little like whatever.

And also, I don't know if it's worth making an issue of it. If you are a sub to be like, how dare you assume? But also I am, like, is that that beneficial to you? Maybe it is. Maybe that's what you want to do. That's fine. I get it because I know it can be really frustrating. I just, you know, take your battles, I guess.

It's important to be specific about this stuff. And I think rushing into it and I think being vague, like communication is a two-way street. You acknowledge that communication is important kink. But it seems like you're being vague and hoping they get granular with you. When if it's your kink, the getting granular is on you. That is your responsibility to be clear and concise and communicate what you want so that they can either understand or refuse. Yeah. Like, that's how it works.

So you seem to be going big picture and being upset that they're not narrowing in, but you're the one who needs to narrow in and they need to get granular even further in there at that point. One hundo P. This has been fuck buddies, the podcast, a journey through sex and dating. Not to be confused with fuck buddies the movie. No, not to be confused with that at all. Thank you for coming by.

We love you. If you love us, please join us on Patreon where you're going to get a whole show. shit ton of bonus episodes. You're going to be able to support us. Keep the lights on. Let us keep doing what we're doing. If you're from Vietnam, hey, welcome.

We see, you jumped up to like 20% of our entire listenership last week. And we appreciate that. So welcome. And just going back to the Patreon, we, there are so many women's biographies that we have to buy.

Yeah. They are releasing. Women are just releasing biographies, not stop. Which we support. Yeah, we're so here for it. need to read it. They're just so expensive. Do you know how many fucking ukuleleys me and Dan have had to buy?

Dude, it's tough. Do you many covers of Zoe dash Chanel songs I've done? The amount of pocket watches me and Dane now have to load up on? Do you know what it's like to have to constantly buy Joseph Gordon-Lennivett's wardrobe? Every time you see him wearing a new thing, but fuck, well now I'm going to go get that. Thanks a lot Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Do you know how expensive match it is? The greens fell stuff is so expensive. I like macha.

It ain't bad. It ain't bad. I will say it. I will say, okay, look, are you ready for some peak duchery? Yeah.

Well, it's not that bad, but some, some macho's good. And I think somebody told me that it's like the cheap, because some of it tastes like fishy, and I don't like that. Apparently that's the cheaper stuff,

but the stuff that doesn't taste fishy, I do like. That's what I'll say. I feel like that's a reasonable thing to say. There's a cocktail at a bar that I like to go to that has a matcha cocktail. And it's delightful. My booster juice order is mind over matcha.

Nice. Mine was the protein one. I don't remember what it was called. There's protein. It was just like, I always got the one that was like, it was like berry. But I can't have booster juice anymore.

It makes me so sick. Come to our Patreon. Support us. Let us buy booster juice for each other. Boost juice is so expensive now, I assume. It was already expensive. It's fucking crazy.

I can only imagine it's like $20 for a fucking full-ass meal for one fucking shitty smoothie. if you don't want to throw money at us, and why wouldn't you? Or if you do want to throw money at us and also want to help in other ways, give us a review, give us a five-star rating, share us, send us to a friend, join our TikTok, which we did a video that got like almost 25,000 views the other day. And it got thousands of likes. And I'm not even being exaggeratory, literal thousands of likes.

And so people don't understand things. So get at the comments and tell them they're idiots. A lot of people do. get in the comments and tell them they're not idiots we love you join us m'm on why are you ready dane yeah this one's pretty powerful um we already talked about the best love story um but i'm about to blow clean out of the water with the real best love story this is from the news woman got pregnant in jail by inmate passing seamen through air vents florida inmate has miracle baby using air vent to get pregnant like virgin mary an accused killer claimed she got pregnant with another accused

killer's baby in the floor to jail after he passed a semen in plastic wrap through an air conditioning vent. Now, on purpose. Is this a co-ed prison? I don't know because apparently... Which seems... I guess maybe there were like two sides, but they were joined by a vent or something. But apparently they could talk through the vent.

They struck up a relationship and they were like, let's get fucking pregnant the worst way possible because they're not even having sex. He's jizzing in saram wrap, throwing it through a vent as she was using a yeast. a bacterial yeast applicator thing to get the calm up her. Now, that all aside, is it really like the Virgin Mary? Is it really the comparison we want to make? I don't think that's how God did it. I'm 90% sure God wasn't like, hey, Mary.

Mary, come to this vent. Open up the Saran's bag. You don't know, though. He does work a mysterious way. So what could be more mysterious than surround? rap back then. Yeah, my name is Day Miller. Can you imagine growing up and someone looks you up and they're like, oh, you were you were the vans. Oh, you're the saran wrap prison baby. Yeah, I'm not Spain. And I'm a saran rep. No. We're we're saran rat prison babies. We're proud of it.