F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - The "What Do You Mean?" Theory

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

It's time to throw the "Let Them" Theory into the trash where it belongs and start taking life, and your relationships, by the reins with a very simple question: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  Learn how to embrace bravery and become the master of your own destiny by asking: WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?

I put my trust in you and then I trust in love. Hello friends. My name is Day Miller. My name is Nile Spain and we are your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Take your problems. We find them roaming the wilds of the internet. We take them from our beautiful listeners who send them in. We answer them right here, right now on the topics of sex dating. How are you doing, Dane? I'm pretty good. I'm very tired. My cat decided at between the hours

of like 6.30 and 9 to sing me the song of his people. Yeah. I'm sorry to hear that. Which is a neat thing for a cat to do. I'm the opposite of tired. I just, I got a coffee. Advent calendar this year to treat myself. And I just had, because we missed one yesterday, I just had two like pourovers. And let me tell you, I got a new grinder because I'm trying to grind these beans. And I'm not doing a good job at grinding these beans. So the first two coffees were watery. But the third one, extra fucking strong. It was like tar. So I just got to hit something in the middle and it'll be good. But I did just crush two pourovers before, before hopping in this closet. I'm not a closet. You did get a lot of people very excited when you said you had

a new grinder. I feel like there's a very distinct portion of our audience that got very excited. Well, yeah, we do have people who occasionally, when I post videos of you, say, raw, next question. So, you know, we have those fans out there. And you know what? One day, we'll see. Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? One day I'll sell you off. I don't know. So this week we're going to be talking about waving the white flag for my friends with benefits. I assume they mean playing dito. Having frustratingly awful sex. I was sent my own. Tinder profile by someone I'm seeing? What would you do?

First time, contemplating a threesome. All right. This is by Searching Star 24. Waving the white flag for my friends with benefits. It's been a year since our last hookup. I almost want to get your response after every line. Okay.

So let me just quick. I think I got to hate you with the whole thing, though. But it's been a year since our last hookup. Not a great start. I don't want to be rude, but I'll be honest. I, 20s female. I'm not physically attractive. to them, 20s non-binary, at all. However, the sex we had was literally the best I've ever had.

At its best, I left their place early and didn't talk to them for a year. Lull, anyway, at its best, they fulfilled all my fantasies. I'm a pillow princess. They are eager to please. We recently rematched on the same app we met, and they messaged me on Snap. They've been trying to message me every now and them for the past year, but now I'm finally filling the blank enough to answer. Spinney eyes emoji. I also don't want it to seem like I'm setting in terms, settling in terms of pleasure. It's more so my ego in the way. But again, some of the best sex I've had. My question, how would you ask your past friends with benefits that you've let chase you for the past year that you want to be intimate again? It's like the ant meme with the sack on his

back. Waving the white flag of horniness. They messaged me a few days ago asking how I am. How can I cut to the chase and tell them what I want? I don't think you understand what you just said means. Because I also don't understand what. Waving the white flag, I have no idea with the ant with the sack. I have no idea what that meme is. But waving a white flag means you're you're quitting. You're surrendering. I guess or you're suing for peace. Yeah. I guess you're like surrendering to her or their horniness. Their sexual wiles.

Look, this is one of those situations where the advice I want to give you is at the detriment to I imagine a better person, right? The advice I want to give you of going forward and sleeping with this other person is bad for this other person because you seem like shit. You suck. You suck. so bad like so what you're talking about i'm not attracted to them at all okay why the fuck are you going to hook up with them also if you had incredible sex with them i refuse to believe you're

not attracted to them yeah what's happening here is you find them attractive but you are embarrassed by the societal standards of beauty that they represent right so that is my guess is the fact that you do find them hot they turn you on that you find them sexy you find them attractive, whatever, but because they don't match a sort of, again, societal expectations of beauty, they don't look like, uh, the, the, you know, ideal man or ideal woman. Again, they're non-binary. So they may be androgynous or have a unique physical appearance and style.

So like, this is where I think you're getting hung up with. I think you're getting hung up in the binary and the expectations of beauty for one of the other. And this person doesn't fit that. And you think that like, oh, if you ever get caught with this person, you're hooking up with someone who's not attractive. That would be my guess. If I had to wager, that's where this person is coming from.

But there's such a like a casual cruelty and dismissal of this person. Like I've let them chase me for a year and I'm finally ready to submit like, oh, like I'm not attracted them at all. You know what I would do if I was not attracted to someone at all and I ignored them for a year because we had such a bad fight that I literally didn't talk them for a year I wouldn't talk to them or consider them ever again I would block them but yeah

he didn't say that they had a fight right they did they said at its worst I left their place early and stopped talking to them for a year so I assumed the fight but like it's still pretty bad yeah like to me it just sounds like oh they didn't have their world rocked and they I had my world unrocked

to the point that I didn't talk to someone for a year I would never talk to that person again. I don't understand what you're doing. You're pointing out all these things that a normal person will be like, this sucked and that's where it ends. And you're like, how do I get back in again? You get back in by saying, hey, you want to hook up. Boom, easy.

It's so fucking easy. But you shouldn't do that because you're bad. See, that was my original point of being like, I don't want to tell you to like cut to the chase. And obviously this person is interested in you if they keep reaching out to you. so like it doesn't seem like it's going to be too much work on your end to make this happen it sounds like all you really need to do is be like you up yeah it's it seems so weird that you're so like confabled i don't know it's not word but it's something that you just need you're like oh this is such a complex it seems like you're humble bragging or something like almost like you're taking this as an opportunity to shame this person further because it's like it's a simple situation they want to have sex with you and they're reaching out and you're like what do i do like What are you doing? What are you making this so confusing and toxic?

Is every relationship you have like this? Because it feels that way. There's, look, if you haven't had sex with someone, also, you said friends with benefit. This person is not your friend, right? No. Like, you hate them. You fucking hate this person. Like, you're such an asshole.

You seem antagonistic at best towards this person and, you know, dismissive and shitty and manipulative at worst in terms of, like, how you treat this person. So you can Situationhip, booty call, hookup Those may be more accurate words For whatever the fuck this is But friends with benefits Specifically has some words in there

Right? Friends, you are not friends With this person And you haven't slept with this person In over a year There are no benefits Yeah And also you haven't talked to this person In over a year

There's no with There is no friends with There's nothing You're just blank So it's like you can't use Like using these terms seems to imply there's no relationship between you and this person

and you have made a very clear effort to do that, right? This person has reached out to you. You've ignored them. Then, like, I don't understand why you would continue to leave this person as an option for yourself if you have such disdain

for everything they do other than have sex. And look, have I had sex, great sex, was someone I don't particularly like. Yes. Horneous has got the better of me. But I've never treated them like a shit person or a second class person or, you know, just a whole too fuck and been mean to them, unless that is what they wanted.

That's with consent. And that's different. And I certainly, I think maybe out of everyone I've slept with, I think there may have been one time where I was in a bad place and I had sex with someone I didn't actually find attractive. And it was a disaster. It went terrible. I felt terrible.

It was a horrible situation. I can't imagine being in a place of thinking like, you. You do absolutely nothing for me, but I am horny, and I would like the person who does the least amount sexually and sensually, and in terms of attractiveness, you're the one I'm going to choose. But that's the thing is like, oh, you do nothing for me, but you're the best sex I've ever had. Make that make sense.

Yeah. I just refuse to believe it. I think you, you like, have some weird fucking hang up about this person. you either need to feel like the superiority thing and you're maybe just a shit, I don't know, you see, it feels like you need to sort your shit out. I would not huck up with this person for their sake and for your sake because if you're not into them, what are you doing?

If you are into them, why are you pretending you're not? And like both of those things don't hook up with them. Don't get back into this person's life for your sake and for their sake. I'm sure you can have good sex elsewhere. You just need to communicate with a partner that you're with if they're not doing what you want and or need. But it also feels like you wouldn't be good at that. And here's just some food for thought and some thought experiments, because we're not going to get the answers to this.

But why are you unable to find a partner that you are attracted to? Have you, is this person the last person you had sex with? Or have you slept with other people between them? And during this like one year gap and maybe ask yourself the question of being like, why is it when I'm horny? I can't go and approach someone who I find attractive. why am I, why am I being pulled towards this person? Because I think once you start answering those questions, I think you're going to get a lot of personal information.

Because one, I feel like you're going to be like, oh, actually, I do find this person attractive. At my horniness, they're the person I crave. And therefore, it is obvious that there is a physical attraction. It might not be a blatant one. It might not be as obvious as like seeing Sabrina Carpenter and being like, damn, she ha, it might be a little bit more complex than that. There might be something that you can.

can't put your finger on. Or you might have a societal hang up, like Dane mentioned earlier, that you need to examine and fucking figure out, right? Or you're like, the other option is you're going to look at and be like, oh, I actually don't care about this person. I'm just desperate and they're available, which should reflect, you should then immediately reflect on and be like, that's a terrible way to treat another human being. And if you can't make those like personal reflections, then you really shouldn't, and I'm going to go back to this. We talked about this last week, I think. You shouldn't be dating. You just shouldn't be. Take yourself. out of the dating pool. If this is how you're going to treat other people, get the fuck out of

the dating pool, get your ass into therapy, and search your shit out. And don't come back into society until you're ready to behave like a person. And that's the thing. I'll bet if you start to examine why there isn't someone around you that you're attracted to who also likes you, is, are you just an asshole to people? Do you seek out toxic things? Because this is just inherently a toxic situation, right? This person might be great, but you're saying you don't like them. You're saying you didn't talk to them for a year. Those things alone mean this is a bad situation for you to get back into, but you're also keeping them on the hook.

It's just, it's red flags everywhere and you're like, this is my route forward. Why are there no other ones? Yeah. Ask yourself that. That's the big thing, right? It's like, you're now like, oh, I'm so horny. And your only path is the fucking one with the trees

all collapsed on it. There's a rock slide there. There's down telephone poles. That you also threw a fire grenade into like a year ago. You know, I mean, like, it's not like, cut all that shit down. Yeah, yeah. It's not like it just happened. You were actively fucking up this road and you're like, should I take a jaunt down, fire

road? Like, I just broken glass alley, bare foot. Hmm, don't mind if I do. I do also want to touch in and on briefly again. I think you really need to think about whether or not the fact that this person is non-binary and really ask yourself some tough questions because I know a lot of people who, Who, it sucks when, you know, they, they flirt with someone and they hit on someone and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they have a certain appearance, whether it's presenting mask or presenting femme or sort of a mix in between, like, again, like an adrogynous situation.

And when they get into sort of the details of their identity and gender identity, people like all of a sudden and it's like, they were so into them, super into them, flirting, texting, wanting to see them going on dates, blah, blah, blah, but the second they're like, oh, yeah, like, you know, I use they them pronouns. I'm non-binary, all of a sudden they're like, ugh, as if that like... Yeah, things that don't matter, like, but is clearly a thing that you're like prejudiced against? Yeah, right? Like, it's like, you're obviously attracted to them. But the second you get information

that doesn't align with what you're used to or whatever, right? All of a sudden, that's the part that makes them unattractive. That's a you problem. And that's something that you're really a shit head. Yeah, you really need to figure that shit out. Yeah. Who, got to calm down after that one.

Yeah. So there's like, let's just point out that I'm finally fill in the blank enough to answer them. Like, fuck you. I don't want to sound like I'm settling in terms of pleasure. It's mostly my ego in the way. Like, oh, like, imagine hearing that being like, oh, I want to sleep with this person, but like my ego won't let's like, fuck you. That's so disgusting.

It's a, like, I don't want other people to know I'm fucking this person. Right? Like, ego has no place in terms of who you find attractive. And if it does, you're a bad person. Yeah. And like, if you still want to sleep with this person, what's your ego upset about? You're just being

weird. Stop. You've, you've ranked yourself higher than this person for whatever fucking reason. And despite the fact that you still want to fuck them, you think they're beneath you for again, whatever fucking reason. Yeah. And that shit. Yeah. All right. Also, go fucking hit on your hot non-binary friends. Yeah. If they want that. If they want that. Or just say, don't be fucking weird. Yeah. Who cares? Hot people be hot people. People be hot. It's that simple. Uh, this is from acceptable buddy. Sex with her is frustrating. awful. I'll cut to the chase. It's actually the person on the other side of this.

I'll get to the chase. My wife, 19 year old female, and I, 20 year old male. Why are you married if she's 19? Sorry, continue. Have been having sex for a few months now. We both come from a religious family. So we didn't have sex until we were married. So as you can imagine, we are each other's first sexual partners. The only problem is that it is frustratingly bad. There are times where she would initiate the sex. And she literally tenses up. her body doesn't let me in at all. Of course, I keep trying, but she gives me no room to do so. And this happens all the time, that it gets annoying and I just stop and go do something else.

I don't know. It's just a great description. Nah, fuck it. Arc Raiders. I don't know if I'm hurting her if she's not loose enough because we do do foreplay beforehand. But I can't help but question if it does hurt her. And if it does, why does she initiate it almost all the time? So many problems with everything here.

We've talked before saving yourself for marriage, not great because problems like this exist where now not only have you no idea before legally binding yourself to someone. Secondly, you've put all this weight and importance and like bullshit that you don't need on top of it so that I'm sure the weight of it itself is making her tense up and putting all this like unnecessary importance and like gravitas on the whole thing. Two, you guys are so fucking young and you shouldn't be married. Like that's just, you know, whatever. we'll skip past that the worrying thing here is it doesn't seem like you guys communicate in any way

shape or form right you're like i don't know if it's hurting her how do you not know how are you not talking to her oh we do foreplay do you even know what foreplay is though because you're a 19 year old virgin who got married and like is super religious sorry nile he's 20 years old he's 20 yes she's a 19 year old you know so it's like i don't necessarily trust your judgment calls when it comes to oh we do enough for play or we do whatever especially when you're not communicating right So there are many things that could be going on here. I'm sure a lot of it is nerves. There also could be like vaginismis, right?

Which you don't seem to understand might exist, which again, I assume your knowledge is pretty low because of your religious upbringing, right? Because unfortunately, there's not a lot of sex education. Yeah, comprehensive sex education and religion. You usually don't go sort of hand in hand. Yeah. So, and the thing is the sex isn't bad. It's just not happening, right?

Like there's a huge difference there, right? So I think that's what I wanted to talk about. the steps forward are like it's not frustratingly bad you have issues and those issues need to be resolved and those issues aren't her fault so it's like you being frustrated and you just like giving up and going off and doing something else like there's like a lot of negativity inherent in what you're saying which kind of seems like it's directed at her but it's not her fault and it is also your responsibility right so you need to communicate you need to be like hey we have tried to have sex it hasn't been very successful like how are you feeling like

I'm worried that I'm hurting you. You seem really tense. And like, just talk it through because she might be like, oh, you know what? It is sore. And that's why I'm tensing up. And maybe you need to do more foreplay, introduce lube, or like, you know, maybe Vagenismus is a thing that she's experiencing. Or more likely, I imagine it's pure fear because it's been a world of like this thing hanging over her and like the shame and the guilt and the religious whatever. And now finally it's the thing you're doing. And like, it's not going perfect. which is now adding to that pile of crap and you're just getting upset and leaving and doing something else. And when it doesn't go perfectly, you're just like, well, fine. I'm going to go

fucking go play art graders or something. Yeah. So, like, walking in the living room. You just hear like the beep of the PlayStation. Like, yeah, that sucks. In my head, he's just reaching. Like, it's, it's, he's not even leaving. He's just turning around. And she's like, I'll just, I'll just go. Yeah. So communication, taking it slow, educating yourselves, learning to trust each other in this new way that you're exploring each other because like it's having sex for the first time it's hard for anybody it's more hard for someone with this like religious kind of like weight upon it right so slow down communication education kindness and like actually doing foreplay i've uh had a number of friends recently like within like the past year get super jesusy

uh some to to problematic ends others to just sort of like you know i don't know i don't guess something happened in their life and they found comfort in the church. And it doesn't seem as problematic as some of the other people who have gone. But what I've learned, what I've seen is that there are religious sources and influencers and content creators who literally run the full gambit of, I'm a pastor who's also a sexual educator. I'm here to like help couples specifically like in these scenarios of people who are

able to sort of like marry the concepts of religious, obligation and also the fact that like you are two people hopefully in love that want to have sex and like here here's how we marry these concepts and make peace with with the things that you might feel guilty of or embarrassed of or whatever so first and foremost seek those people out try to find people who are educated in in both areas both in like religious dogma or whatever but also in the area that you're looking for it's important that they do specifically give their qualifications, right? Don't just find any fucking influencer who's going to talk about how God doesn't want you to fuck because it's whatever. That's kind of the thing is like my worry

is if you're in religious spheres, what you're talking about are the rare few that are religious and non-toxic, whereas like a lot of it is your wife's pleasure doesn't matter. That's a sin. Yeah. Right? Like if you're having sex as a man, that's fine because you're, you're ejaculating and that's necessary to create life. Whereas like, if she's having pleasure, that's kind of a sin, isn't that because there's no point. Oh, that's the devil. Like, he wants you to have pleasure and be way laid. And it's like, no, they fuck that.

The devil's nose. No, the clitoris is the apple in the garden. And if you grab it, you become a snake. Is that, are you just saying crazy things or is that actually? I am saying crazy things, but I will bet you a million percent that is a thing in circles. Sure. So, so there's, there's that. But as now said, there's, the big thing for me is, you're like,

oh, she tenses up and she won't let me in. So of course I keep trying. Yeah, that was also no. What do you mean of course? My dude, let me hit you with this. If, and again, I know you are a new man to the sexual game, but you clock it, right? You obviously know that your partner is tensing up. Your partner is having a visceral physical reaction to what is happening. And you recognize it because you say it. Yeah. And you know it's not a good one as well. Yeah. So the fact that you say, I ignore that and keep pushing forward you know what this reminds me of is like when i'm opening the restaurant on the weekend for an early brunch and like there's a sign out front that says like open at nine and someone arrives at 845 and then they try the door and then they try the door again and then they go over and like maybe the like door on the patio is like lifted a little bit to let some air in and they like try to move that and then they're trying to go around the back and i'm like the locked doors haven't given this away, right? The fact that no one's coming to let you in, haven't given the way.

The sign that says we're not open at nine, you think this is some kind of escape room that you need to bust your way in to get your fucking eggs. Like, the obliviousness and the fucking self-obsession and the fucking stupidity. And no, stop. Crazy thing is, they're after the same thing. They're both trying to get the eggs. Get them eggs. They're trying to scramble some eggs.

Yeah. but so here's here's what a sex positive educated adult would do in the scenario you say hey are you okay is everything okay what's going on right you check in your with your partner even with partners that i've been to get with a thousand times if i noticed the slightest change in demeanor energy whatever right like if there's any sort of indication that something might not be right? I will check in. Even if it's the smallest tint, even if it's a little like a little like twinge of pain or or something, right? And it might be something as simple as like, oh, I was getting a cramp. I was, you know, I've got a weird position. Literally like the other day, I like, we were doing stuff and like, I was like, oh, you good. And it's like, your hands are really cold. There's like, oh, yeah, it's fucking winter. It's like, yeah, I get it. And then I just, you know, rub them on the sheets for a little bit. Put them away. Breathe on them. Don't touch. You know, it's like, I'd be such a dick if I saw that like, ooh. And I was like, so I just kept going. It doesn't matter. Obviously. No, stop. And this is the problem.

This is the main big problem that no Jesus is going to fix. You need to be communicative. You need to care. And you need to be brave enough and nice enough to bring these issues up and try to work them through in a kind, respectful, healthy manner. Yeah. And it's like, look, you know that she's interested in having sex. I hope. I hope that she's not feeling obligated to consummate the marriage.

and do her wifely duties, hopefully. And that's a conversation that you have to have. You are marriage. You waited until marriage. You're from a religious family. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. None of that has to have any bearing on whether or not you're a good husband,

you're a good lover, or a good person. So, like, if you sit there and you say, well, my wife's pleasure doesn't really matter. It is her job to have sex with me. It is her job to bear children.

Then, like, don't waste anyone's time asking these questions because you don't care. You're a bad person. You're a bad husband. You're just bad. right like and also not a good person let's be fair this question wasn't my wife doesn't seem to enjoy sex how can i help her it was sex is frustratingly bad for me yeah i can you know like to sex and i won't and i can't do it and so i get mad at it trying yeah like it doesn't

seem like you actually give a shit about her which is what i'm worried about so that's the step forward is to give a shit about her yes and if look again if you are coming from a place where it's groundbreaking to hear that you should care about your wife's happiness, sexual well-being, uh, you know, any of these things. If any of these things is, is blowing your fucking mind right now, then perhaps you need to reevaluate the worth and weight that religion has on your being, your soul, your, your whole perspective, right? Because no religion should be followed or respected if it comes at the detriment to another

human being. And I'm, yes, this is, this is my stance on all religion. Religion's whole fucking thing is like, love thy neighbor, like, treat people as you would treat yourself. It's just apparently a thing everybody fucking forgets. Like, you're a main tenant. The main tenet of like, quite literally every religion is like, be a good person. But everyone seems to think that like, oh, well, actually, I am a good person because I'm being a bad person. Yeah, I'm religious, ergo, I am a good person.

Ergo, I got to yell at you because you wore cotton on Wednesday or some shit. And look, we can, I think we can go down a fairly deep rabbit hole of dissecting the, the way that religion has negatively impacted the sexual well-being of specifically women, but everyone as evidenced here, right? Like, none of these, neither of these people are being serviced by the religious upbringing in this scenario. So you, yeah, you need to do a hard perspective shift. You need to start caring about your wife and not just about whether or not you can have sex with your wife. but caring about the fact that she's not living with constant crushing anxiety because she hasn't been able to have sex with you. You need to have a conversation with her and make sure that she feels safe. Make sure that she's feeling okay and that you're not hurting her. If you're not

sure whether or not you're hurting someone you're having sex with, you're a crazy person. You're a bad person. If there's any hint, like presumably you haven't asked that question actually upsets me. Like it hurts my fucking chest. Yes. What do you? So talk to them. And make sure that they're comfortable with having sex. Make sure it's not just a thing that they're like, well, now that we're married, I have to. Now that I'm saying it's my duty. Now it's my whatever. Because this tensing up on this, this, you know, fear feels very much like they aren't ready.

And you should be okay with that. Yes. Right. Like they've waited so long to have sex. Not really because they're so fucking young. Sex has also been like built up as this monumental thing. And like losing virginity has also been incorrectly put a lot of weight on. So like, yes, there's.

pressure on her. There's a lot of pressure on her. So your job is to remove some of that burden and the way you do that is having conversations with her. Reassuring her. And most importantly, as we've said a thousand fucking times in this question alone, caring about her. Yes. Being a good person, giving a shit, communicating, educating, educating yourself. So if you can't, if you're unable to do this, or if you don't want to, get the fuck out. Yeah. I'm going to repeat what I said, the last question, what I'm going to say. Probably for the rest of the, you know, 2026. This is the energy I'm bringing. Get the fuck out of the dating pool. Yeah. You don't deserve to be with someone. What would Jesus do? Would he be like, well, she seems uncomfortable. So I kept going. No, he'd be like,

Jesus. Are you okay? Famously hated people who are sick and hurt. Yeah, right. He was, his whole thing. Ignored them. Fuck those dudes. Yeah. Yeah. That was his whole bag. Yeah. All right. This is by Pesto Charizo. I, 25 year old female, was sent my own Tinder profile by someone, 30 year old male. I was seeing. What would you do in this situation? So context. I were seeing him fairly regularly. I'd explained I had feeling multiple times with he's adamant I didn't tell him. After a message that seemed entirely a booty call, I asked him what we were and he said it was casual and he doesn't think we'd work because we were at different stages in our lives. Back to now, I downloaded Tinder after this conversation to get myself back out there. The realization I had feelings for someone who didn't want anything made me feel sad and I guess it was a coping mechanism to feel wanted again. I were sent a screenshot that he received from his mate of my Tinder profile. He's unhappy and shocked because of the messages I sent before. and then the fact that I'm now on Tinder. How'd you navigate going forward? Unsure on what to do.

Another point, I did see Tinder on his phone when I was at his one night too. Even more confusing? I don't understand what's happening in the world anymore. Have we all gone crazy? Have we all lost it? Have we just collectively failed to just be normal human beings who are able to like connect one and two together? Yes.

This dude, I'm just going to parse this out so that I can make sense. this dude you you've been like hey i have feelings for you i got them feelings and then you did a mortal crime which was what are we but you did do the what are we sure but you know you've you at least you verbalized your feelings right i feel like the what are we is a little a little less stingy when you've when you've been like hey this is where i stand this is how i feel um you then you know tried to clarify the relationship not in the best way but fine and then he was like oh yeah this is just a casual thing. We're not going to work.

I don't want to pursue a committed or otherwise relationship with you outside of what we're currently doing. You then got a dating profile. Fair play to him at this point. Yeah. Good. I'm glad that he set like rigid boundaries and let you know where he was at. That's great, right?

Like none of those things. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah. None of those things are bad. We're doing pretty well. And I understand that like you would want to. There's a lot of people who I think would be very angry at him for being this way. But he's done nothing wrong at this point.

And it seems like you also felt that way, which you were a little sad because you got rejected. But like, sure. You seemed cool with it, which is good. Yeah. So then you get a dating app because you're like, it's time to get back on the market. I'm looking for X. He can't deliver X. He's looking for Y.

And like, maybe I'll keep fucking him. Maybe I won't. Whatever. I don't know where you stand on that. But that's fine. He's casual. You're not exclusive. You're allowed to date anyone in any way that you want.

But is she? And then, and then this motherfucker goes, gets a friend who sends the profile. no one if look dude if I came across someone you were dating unless I had actually met them I would have no fucking clue who your Tinder matches were that's the thing especially if it's someone I'm just casually hucking up with how would you know who the fuck they are I think we've known each other over a decade and we we have obviously through the nature of our friendship and the show we've talked about our sexual relationships quite a bit yeah I think I might have been able to pick out of the people that like I we didn't know, like, mutually, one person that you had slept with. Yeah, I think even, even if it was someone we met on a night out that I went home with, I don't rate the chances of you remembering them very highly, barring maybe one person. Yeah, unless we had, like, unless it was like a group situation or something or a really memorable night, even then the likelihood I might be able to be like, she was blonde and had blue eyes or like,

you know, like I might be able to give a, I will say it got really tiring when, when you were swiping. you sent me every single profile of a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. And then, like, you know, I think her name starts, I think her name started with a C. So any, all the C names in case she died her hair. Casey. Yeah, just, yeah, it was, it was crazy. So like, I don't believe the friend thing, especially if this, if this motherfucker is casual and not looking for anything, there's no way this dude is telling his friends about your name, what you look like, showing your pictures of. Like that's crazy behavior

If I was like, hey dude Here's this girl I'm hooking up with every now and then Completely casually You want to see all of her personal details Yeah And like maybe do Like maybe some guys do that I understand that we're the outliers

With from typical men But even then why would that guy Then be like hey that girl you're incredibly casual With that you specified She's on Tinder bro I'm sorry Yeah like he like a friend wouldn't give a shit So because you shouldn't give a shit Yeah, exactly, right?

Like, and again, even, that's an excellent point, too. Even if I knew that you were casually hooking up with someone and I saw them on Tinder or whatever, I wouldn't then be like, screenshot, Nile, look what I found, man, because I know. It wouldn't even cross my mind. Because I know that you're a normal, sane human being and you'd be like, why are you sending this to me? I know, but I would text her immediate, like, I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. I was disappointed. The only way I would do.

But also angry. The only way, if all the stars aligned and I came across this person and I knew it was someone you're sleeping with, the only thing I would do is if they had an insane profile. Like if they had a crazy picture or just like the absolute like madness in their like that's the only thing. Like I would be sending you for that context. Yeah. If it was like slur city or something, you'd be like, hey, or even if they just like if their profile was really funny or. Right. Like I would send that.

Yeah. And it would be for. It would be for the context of like, look at this funny profile and not, here's this girl you're dating. Anyway, we're getting distracted here. You, you did nothing wrong. We're just going to skip into it. You've done nothing wrong. You are casual.

He said it with his own goddamn mouth. And you are now on a platform to date someone. That is fine. You've done nothing wrong. You know what I want from this situation? And more people got to start doing this. And I think you've mentioned stuff like along this tangent before. Why are you upset?

I'm confused. Like, why are you upset? Or because you said these things. okay, but you said we were casual and what did you, did you want me to pine after you forever, never date anybody else? Because there's a way to get me to not date anybody else and that would be to ask to be exclusive. Or be like, oh, I'm confused. You said you didn't want to be exclusive. Is this you saying that you did? And they're like, no. And then you go, okay, then again, why are you upset? Like, just ask people straight up normal questions about what they're being insane

about and have them try to explain it because they can't. You know what? Have you heard of like the let them theory that like stupid bullshit self-help thing. So there's this whole like, it's this book and maybe a podcast, I don't know, called let them podcast. Yeah. And the whole idea is like, oh, if someone's upset at you, let them be upset. If someone is going to do this, let them. And it's, I mean, I'm sure there is some actionable advice in there as with all self-help.

But a lot of it does sort of like remove your agency and responsibility in a situation to just be like, it doesn't like let them let them let them eat cake let them whatever right um which like i could see if it's someone who doesn't fucking matter if it's like a person on the street who's like i hate your t-shirt yeah let them be upset who fucking cares yeah right like if it's someone you're have a relationship with or a friend or a family member i don't really see the benefit in being like yeah be upset because let them be mad yeah and also like the odds are wrong you also have the odys to be responsible for your actions as well exactly where i'm going with this is we need to come up with the thing called the what do you mean theory right and that's or like yeah it's just

like you know how many questions we could solve that we get on a weekly basis if someone just looked the motherfucker dead of the eye just say what do you mean yeah and and and not hostile not angry it's just a very neutral blanket what do you mean and because like at that point in time you're going to get you're going to get all the answers you need someone's that they're going to be like i shouldn't have to explain it to you in which case great okay You don't want to have a conversation. So we don't, this is, this no longer matters to me. Because you have, you recognize or have like chosen to realize that like, I don't know,

I don't know, man, I've, you've called me out of my bullshit. I have nothing. I have no more bluff cards to play. It's a shitty move to come in and be like, I'm angry at you. Okay, I'm requesting clarification. I'm not going to get. It's like, okay, so this isn't the conversation. This isn't the discussion.

This is just you firing something like a bunch of rounds my way. Cool. You're being manipulative right now. And well, let me tell you. are being manipulative, like, this is the most manipulative bullshit. He wants to eat this cake and have it. He wants you to just pine and be in his back pocket. It's so insane. But that's the thing. I would love to be this person getting this message. Just be like, why are you upset? Yeah. Explain that to me. Yeah. Just a simple. Yeah. Just fired right down the middle. Right, right in

the heart of the question, right in the heart of the matter, and be like, why? What do you mean? Why are you mad? What's happening? Yeah. And it's like, oh, well, you said you liked me. And if you did, you wouldn't do this. It's like, again, like, if you're thinking that I lied about liking you, why would that upset you when it's a thing you don't want to pursue anyway? Like, because even if that's the case, which is a bit of a reach to say that that's what's happening here, why would it upset you? What's happening? Yeah. Like, you and then you can just be like, hey, it is incredibly unfair to say that you don't want to pursue a relationship with me, but then get upset that I'm going to move on and try to find someone who will make a relationship with me.

Like, is it, I've matched with you and now I'm just stuck with you for the, like, I can never date again? You don't want to date me. So am I just now forced? You've got me in your sticky little spectrum web and I'm not allowed. I just can't move on. And if someone's like, yes, then you're like, okay, great, you're crazy, you're a crazy dirtbag asshole. And I don't care about you anymore. Or they're going to be like, yeah, good point.

Like, it was just hard to see you or more likely, you don't understand. You're being manipulative. You're doing blah, but because they know. that you're calling them on their bullshit, which is, let me tell you, responses like that and messages like this, they are a boon because they are the world taking away the pain that you felt by being rejected, by letting you know that if you hadn't been rejected, it would have been awful. This is like, it's so nice to be like, oh, they suck.

And I dodged a bullet. That's, I think, that's our two-pronged plan, right? What do you mean? And thank you. Yes. Those are the two avenues, right? it's thank you for being honest and vulnerable and telling me what you actually mean, or thank you for proving that you're an asshole not worth my time. Yes. And now I feel so much better. And again,

thank you, universe for what I thought was a sad moment, actually being, you know, Superman grabbing me before a fucking tanker of oil fell on me. Yeah. It's, this is, look, if I could put some, some positive energy out for the end of 2025. I think we need to after this, yeah, this rad-filled episode. This coffee, man, that's making. can be fighty. I'm crushing a fucking watermelon rock star right now. He is. Literally crushing it in his hand. Look, you need to go, if you're struggling with things like this, and this is an ongoing recurrence or a recurring problem for you, then you need to do what we just talked about. You need to stop focusing and wallowing and dwelling when people show you and prove to you

that they're not worth your time. And I understand, this is way easier said than done. I get it, but it's, it's a really, really, really easy perspective shift to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start holding people accountable. And I understood like, it's going to be tough. But the second you start realizing that like, that's how it should be and that's how adults and emotionally intelligent people and people who care about you will operate, the second you stop cutting or letting people like this take up space in your life and in your heart and in your mind, you're going to have a way better time.

100%. Your peace will be protected. And that's all we want. We just want people to be happy. We want people to be happy. We want people to be safe. And we want people to fucking question people that say bad shit stuff to them. And if someone says something crazy, you look them dead in the eye and you say, what do you mean? Yes. Like it's the best thing is in this situation, you know you're not dating this guy anyway. So it's like, I know sometimes people are nervous to ruin shit. But I would counter that you're not ruining shit if you asking a simple question, ruin shit. That is again, the universe giving you a beautiful. sign that Superman scooting you out of the way of a building about to fall on you, right? So, like, there's no downside. But in this case, there's definitely no downside because you're not dating him anyway. He's made that clear. Hit him with a, what you fucking talking about? What do you mean? And then when he explains himself, you're going to be like, I love that you suck so much.

And now I feel better about my life. Yeah. So just stop assuming that these people deserve space in your life. And with every time we say something like this, these sort of like hard. rules or whatever maybe also stop reflect and ask the same question from their point of view about you because that is how that is how empathy works that is how no one is infallible yes and if you start to think you are you're wrong yeah if you start weaponizing it to the point where like you think that like no one everyone is wrong and you are never right or you're

never wrong then you desperately need to stop and be like am i doing this thing exactly you got a quick one for me because if not i got a quick one yeah no this one is definitely not a quick one. This is by revolutionary major 90. How do I make her finish? My partner, 18 year old female, told me she's never finished. So I watched a few videos on how to make her finish. What are the odds that they work if performed decently on someone who might be harder to make reach the finish line? Look, I love that this is where your head's at. I love that your idea is my partner has never had an orgasm and I would like to do that. My partner's sexual pleasure is important to me. And I'm going to take some time to research. Listen up. Question

Two. Yeah. Here's the thing. There's a lot of bad advice out there. There's a lot of convoluted advice out there. There's a lot of things that are maybe not as actionable as you may think. First, check the source in which you are getting your information. Are you watching a porn video and saying, well, that woman looks like she's having a good time. I will try that. Great time. Because there's a very good chance that it's performative and not real. And what that dude is doing might feel nice, but isn't getting the result that you want. Also might not feel nice if it's porn. Yes.

Also, I will say, Pornhub does have a, like a sex education aspect to it. There is like a whole thing about real sex educators and real sex, you know, therapists and stuff who, who provide anatomical advice

in terms of like, this is the clitoris. This is what it does. Here's fingering techniques. And like that kind of stuff I think is going more medical and more, anatomical, I think is going to be way more useful and understanding the functions of the things that you're doing.

Again, clitoral simulation is going to be like understanding where the clit is, what it does, how it works, different ways in which to make it feel good. I think having that knowledge is better than watching a video being like, this is how you make or come. You do circles. Everyone's different. But if you know that like, oh, sucking can increase pleasure and, you know, a pointed tongue is different than a flat tongue.

And I have to go a little slower with my fingers because it's a little rougher or whatever. Having that knowledge to make changes on the fly is going to be far more useful than just being like this move. Spell out the alphabet when you're going down. Yeah. Also, that's not a good, like that's bad advice. So many letters have holes in the middle. Yeah.

One, that. Two, it's like for a lot of pretty much every woman I've hooked up with, consistency is the thing that gets them there. And guess what's not consistent, you changing your tongue pattern every single fucking second. Like, but that's advice that's been given out to people. And I don't think it's ever worked. Yeah, I mean, like maybe for like 15 year olds for a, you know, a girl who's never had any sort of stimulation where it's just like, oh, that felt good because it, it touched once. But it's like, yeah, yeah.

I don't think it's ever going to get someone to the finish line. So I think three things. And I feel like I had a fourth and I forgot it. But whatever. Let's just go. confidence communication and time right and i mean confidence in terms of like you need to be chill right you can't walk in there not get her off and then be like no i'm gonna walk off and do something else then you need to be cool you need to be a calming confident presence so that they don't feel like they

have to come and oh fuck they didn't come and now everything's awful like it needs to not matter even though it matters right if they don't come it's not a big deal you had fun you tried your best they need to feel good because if they're not confident and comfortable and, you know, reassured and safe and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's going to make things way fucking harder. So you need to be chill and you need to have the confidence to not let your ego get bruised if you fail, right? Communication. You need to know what is working, what isn't working, what she likes, what she doesn't like. Is she nervous? Is she scared?

You need to be able to work it through both in the moment and before and after the moment. On top of that, I think, like, talking to her about, like, what she likes, but also, like, has she. Never come? Has she never masturbated? Because if that's the case, maybe she needs to get that out of the way before you guys do something. Because if even she can't make herself come, it's crazy to expect you to, right? I think I want to throw in some when they, I don't think also don't go and be like, I'm going to make you come. Because I think that's the opposite to confidence in the first one. While it may sound confident, you're putting pressure on on the situation, which isn't it. You need to be like chill. Yes. It needs to be the it needs to be a Secret desire in your head, like, right? That should be your motivation. It shouldn't be hers. Yes. And like you don't go like, we're going to go have come time and like five minutes. You just don't want the pressure, right? Because she's always going to be thinking about coming, which is going to make her not come. On top of that time. And I mean, it may take a couple of sessions. It may take time for her to become comfortable and whatever. It may take time for you to learn stuff or become coordinated enough that you can do X, Y, or Z. You know, maybe your tongue's getting tired. Maybe your hand. You know, there is a physical aspect to it, but more so, it might take time in the literal moment. Like, it might be a 20-minute, like, slow burn of, like, some real, like, sensual, like, long foreplay. There may be, like, you going down on them and sucking. Like, it's, if you're just trying to, like, hammer it in, that's probably not going to work.

You know what I mean? Yeah, if you're going in being, like, all right, baby, I got the power drill and we're going right to the center of the earth. It's like, yeah, your chances are it's not going to go your way. Yeah. take it slow get them so achingly turned on that they're dripping wet that they're like engorged like these are all things they're going to make it way easier for you and for them so you got this and communicate most importantly that's it uh yeah for sure it's so important to like not put pressure on someone because like the the second you tell someone that you're going to do something

i feel like it fucks the whole shit up right because you want her so far out of her own head. You want her so far out of her own head because the second she's, if she's in her head being like, oh, he's trying to make me come, I got to, I got to do this for him now, right? Like, like, oh, like, is that the sensation? Is it too much? Is it too little? Am I doing it wrong?

Oh, my God. Well, if I don't, like, but it's like, even if you're fucking someone like, come for me and you're not like there yet, it like takes you so far out of it. Or if you're doing something, you're like, oh, I definitely can't come? Your dick's going to be like, or can you? You know, or maybe I would like, your body likes to be contrary. And it sucks, but making a big deal out of it isn't going to be, no, isn't going to be it. Yeah.

And that's going to do it. And we love you guys. So thanks for sticking around. Sorry for the angry episode, but you know what? Sometimes people got to hear. I think, you know what? At the beginning of the year, I said I was coming in with tough love. And I feel like I lost the plot a little bit for a while.

And I think we're going to finish strong on tough love because I think people need it. Hey, I don't think our listeners do because they're all angel people. But these question askers definitely do. Thank you for being here. Thank you for supporting the show by listening. If you want to support the show more, please head on to our Patreon. Sign up for like $3 a month. You can help our show keep going.

You can help us not go bankrupt or crazy. You can help us improve the show. We appreciate everything you do, but it will help us get the show out there more. Upgrade materials, pay for hosting, pay for, you know, advertising, pay for fucking website. Maybe me and Dan can even have a dinner once a year. Who knows? But no, everyone who is on there, we love you so much. Everyone who wants to join, please do, because, you know, we do all this.

We put a lot of work in, simply put. And if you can't join, that's totally fine. We don't, we're not forcing you to. But you can share the show with a friend, post about it, review us, talk about us on Reddit, you know, and we would appreciate that. Following us on social media and just sharing the clips that now works very hard on every week. Like, just doing that alone is huge. it takes it's it's it's you know it's free it's a great way to support the show we understand that like times are tough the holidays are coming up money is tight for everyone we get it but if you do like

the show and you want to support it a share and a follow and a you know reposting of of the reels and stuff uh it goes a long way uh because you might introduce someone who might need to hear the things that we talk about uh to the show and i think that is that is where we shine we we want to bring, like you said, we just want people to be happy and safe. That's all we want. I have that good sex. And I feel like there are some people who need to hear some of the things, especially that we talked about today.

And sharing our videos is a great way to spread the word. And it's a free way to do it. And we appreciate you. Thank you, Josh Eagle, the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. And also, we're on YouTube. So follow us there. Ready for some bad sex writing? Yeah.

This is by Brian Aldis. The book is called Hot House. She had gone on too many hunts, born too many children, fought too many fights. With a rare and fleeting knowledge of herself, she glanced down at her bare green breasts. They were less plumped than they had been when she took the first, when she first took the man Harris to her, they hung lower. Their shape was less beautiful. By instinct she knew her youth was over. By instinct she knew it was time to go up.

Is this about tomatoes? Because if it's not about tomatoes, I'm mad. Well, it did say bare green breasts, so. So, like, maybe they're, like, you know, not ripe yet, I guess. I don't know. A hot house. The hot house, yeah, true. Hot house is a tomato.

Hot house is a tomato. I hope it's about tomatoes because it does make me angry otherwise. I've cracked this case wide open. You can't off-susgate your weird tomato porn, Nile. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm now Spain. And I'm the tomato man. Thank you.