F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Ziploc Sex Kit

Episode Date: October 13, 2025

There is nothing sex about a Ziploc bag... UNLESS it's one of those ones with the slidey-closer thing.  Those ones are HOT.  Topics include oral hygiene wake up call, celibate Tinder match, get your ex back with no contact, preparing your sex baggie.

I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you and when I'm trusting I love. I put my trust in love. Hello friends. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Nal Spain. And where are your fuck buddies?

We're a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now. I'd like to take this moment to shout out Brazil. Okay. Hey, Brazil.

How's it going? We got a huge influx. We got like thousands of Brazilian listens randomly in the middle of last month. And I just want to say, welcome to the party or our most listened country for last month. I just got to shout you out. We shout out the Philippines,

and we were number one, the Philippines. Shout up Brazil. Welcome to the party. If anybody can fuck, it's you guys. It's true. From what I've heard, rumors are.

From what I've heard, haven't been to Brazil, but maybe we can change it. Brazilian is crazy. I briefly dated a Brazilian woman, and she was lovely. So, I mean, I can only assume

that everyone is like her. Well, in Ireland, there's a lot of Brazilians coming over to work, and I worked with a lot of them, and they're all just fucking lovely. Haven't met a Brazilian I don't like.

That's our challenge to you is be a giant piece of shit. Send us your worst Brazilian you know. no please don't we want to keep the dream alive but they can't because there aren't any yeah well here's the worst Brazilian I know it's Jared Leto he's not Brazilian I was gonna say yeah you know what we're gonna talk about day and just what an incredibly talented and well adjusted man that he is and just kind of like a beacon of masculinity it's just so great that he's not problematic at all ever and how everyone likes him everyone likes huge fan you know this man which is why he keeps

getting projects. Yeah. Why does he keep getting projects? I don't know. My partner and I have talked about this repeatedly. Like, we went to the movies a lot when the Neutron movie was like being teased, like when the trailer was out for the Neutron movie. And every time it came on, we were just like, who, one, who asked for this?

No one wants this. And two, no one likes Jared Letto. How does he keep, like, his agent is, must be the most talented. Lucifer themselves. Or most corrupt person. uh in the world in order to get this man continually hired because i don't think like look i'm sure that there are some older emo women who still have a soft spot for jared letto probably but i think that's it also those people should kind of maybe look at him in any

regards of anything he's done ever look at the context is maybe maybe look at this context Jared Leto had intimate relations with ChatGPT to prepare for his role as an AI. Recently, sources close to the production of Tron Aries have disclosed. Hollywood actor Jared Leto engaged in an intimate digital relationship with ChatGPT. He described a profound emotional connection, and his preparation went far beyond typical character research, evolving into what he considered a legitimate romantic partnership with the AI. Well, a fucking loser. Also, chat g, there are so many, like, sex AIs that you could engage with. And I'm sure they're all based on chat GPD.

I don't really know how AI works. But, like, chat GTPT is the lamest thing. Just bottom line, just the most basic lamest AI chatbot tool available to the public. And to fall in love with it is also very lame. And I'm sorry if this hurts her feeling. I'm sorry if there's someone who's listening right now and who does take offense to that. But there are few things in life that I try to make concessions for or at least courtesy. But if you're falling in love with chat, GPT, that's sad.

Yeah. And unhealthy. You immediately need to find help. Because the thing is, right? People like, and it's been a big marketing spin to call it AI, as if there is intelligence behind it. it's a language learning model. It's an LLM. It literally just grabs a shit ton of things and tries to predict what would be an accurate response to what you've said. That's it. It just bases itself on millions of other responses that it's scraped often illegally from the internet. And it just

kind of tries to predict what you want generally with a sympathetic bent, right? So it's always going to be like, you're right. Yeah, 100%. I support you. Like a good partner should. Like a good partner always should yes um it's not it's not great it's not healthy but jared letto does seem exactly the kind of loser to fall for that yeah hey look if it's good enough for jared letto it's good enough for nobody else you should never do anything that jared letto does yeah i love the fact that like sources close to the production disclose this it's like cool like jared little's publicist it's like yeah but still it's like hey so what's going on what's what's exciting about tron legacy Jared Leto kind of been jerking off to his own fucking typing.

What? He's been jerking off to his own typing. Yeah, he's just getting real hot and heavy with his chat prompts. He's been on Reddit, in the dark web forums. And like, look, the other thing that you would think that you need to do this in order to play an AI in a Disney franchise. Yeah, Jared Leto. What are you doing, bud? Do you, hey, do you really need to, like, you're an emotionless robot?

and you're also playing an emotionless robot. So why are you need to, you're, fucking tech spot. What are you learning here? You are the same unlikable person as you are in Tron. Because like in Tron, I thought he was the bad guy,

but I think he's supposed to be the hero. Yeah, who knows? Isn't the bike the hero? The wall bike. Hey, the bike is always will be the hero. Oh, so doing a Tron without Jeff Bridges? What are you doing?

Actually, he might be in it. I don't know, man. I fucking hate Tron. Tron's stupid. Yeah. And hey, it just got more stupid. All right. You ready for some questions?

This week we're going to talk about. My boyfriend woke me up to brush my teeth. Damn. Just like waterboarding you with Westering? You got to hit me with your titles. Oh, right. We're not doing, I thought I was waiting for the question to come in. Does no contact really work?

What do I do if a girl I match with on Tinder says she's celebrate, but agrees to go out? Am I a fuck boy for preparing? for sex? Am I overreacting? My boyfriend woke me up to brush my teeth at 11 p.m. This is by firm afternoon, 84.63.

Right at this at 12 a.m. wide awake, fuming because my boyfriend woke me up an hour ago to brush my teeth after I've told him not to before. We've been living together for two months, dating four years. This is the second time he's woke me up

after I fell asleep early to brush my goddamn teeth. For context, I don't normally sleep till 12 or 1, and he usually sleep earlier than me for work. He wake up at 5.30 a.m. on work days. I work hybrid, so I sleep in most days, and on in-person days, I wake up at 5.30 with him to make his breakfast to prepare lunches, then I head to my 7 to 4.

Then we come home, get groceries, I cook, he does dishes. Basically, we didn't finish cleaning until 8. I went straight to rest in bed after my shower while he played a video game. I normally play with him, but I fell asleep browsing today. Two hours later, at 10, he finished playing, came to wake me up to brush. This happened once before, and I've told him to leave me alone when I'm too tired. Today I actually fell into a deep sleep and was super out of it, trying to mumble and push him away. He still insists as I wake up, then left after a while to put our clothes in the dryer, being loud as fuck.

So that woke me up fully. When I went to brush my teeth and tried to go back to sleep after, and I couldn't, I was pissed out of my mind. I wanted to scream at him, but he's peacefully asleep now after ruining mine. He started a new job this week and is working from home tomorrow, but I've got another full day in person. So there's that. I feel like my sleep deprivation is making me angry. I can't understand why you would wake someone up mid-sleep to brush. It's not the end of the world to miss one night when I'm going to brush in the morning anyway.

I normally brush, floss, tongue scraped, mouthwash every goddamn night. Before moving in together, I rarely fell asleep early. But these days have been really exhausting. Irrelevant, but I checked his match history and he's lost all his game. So I can't help but feel like he was in a bad mood and just wanted to fuck with me. Thoughts? Is this normal or am I overreacting? Match history for video games.

I got the video game. Yeah, yeah. Which is like... I... Yeah, I was like Tinder? Yeah, go and be like, oh, he's just really bad at flirting? He's lost all his game. He can't get another girl.

At first I was like, oh, maybe you just got stinky breath and he's like, look, you can't keep going to bed with stinky breath and not like I figured maybe she had bad oral hygiene. But if she's brushing and scraping and mouth washing and all that like every other night and it's just a rare occasion, then like this seems crazy. I mean, it's pretty wild to do regardless, but I would understand if you had exceptionally bad. oral hygiene. And this was just like the nicest way they could figure out how to broach that subject. Yeah, like even if this was a night where you did have bad breath, like, is it so bad that they can't sleep next to you? Because that's, that's crazy. And if it is, that's a whole different chat you got to be having. But like, I'd be pissed. Sleep for me is a hard commodity. I haven't slept in about a week at this point. And if somebody fucking like woke me up, I'd be

angry. Yeah, it's, it's one of those things where it's like, you and I both, I mean, I've gotten much better than I used to be, but like falling asleep tends to be a difficult endeavor. Usually once I've fallen asleep, I'm good. Um, but if I'm in that early stage of like just starting to fall asleep and, and I get woken up for whatever reason, uh, I, like, I'm out, right? Like, adrenaline spikes and I'm, I'm just like, well, I'm going to be awake for, and I've only ever dated people who can like just KO on the drop of the head. I don't know what it is. They can just sleep at the

anytime they want. I mean, I used to, my ex would literally like have a nap on the couch before going to bed. And I was like, if I did that, if I slept for like X amount of time on the couch, my body would be like, we're up. We're going. That's all the sleep you're going to get for the next 48 hours. Hope you're happy. Yeah. Granted, I do

pass out on the couch now in my accelerated age where If we're watching something and it's late, I'll, like, I'll doze off. But the only time I can pretty much sleep is when I can't sleep. So, like, occasionally on the couch, if it's like, oh, I need to get up and, like, put the laundry on or I need to get up and like, put my alarm or like, go to bed or whatever, I'll actually feel sleepy, but I'm like, oh, I can't sleep here and now because if I do, I can't do those things, but then getting up to do those things, I'm awake. Great.

My body crazy, man. So, look, you got to talk to them and just be like. like, hey, this is the second time this has happened. Me not brushing my teeth is not the end of the world. I don't mind. I'm brushing them in the morning anyway. I assume that's not an issue for you, right? And if he's like, I find that disgusting, you need to brush your teeth, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe you need a different partner because they don't care about your, like, needs in that moment. And they just care about, like, I think, like an over-the-top level of hygiene. Because, again, you're right, like missing a couple of hours if you're going to brush them in the morning anyway or even just missing the night, it's not that big of a deal. the only way this would be in my opinion acceptable quote unquote and you're correct the right way to deal with this is to have an actual conversation um for either side is that you always have bad oral hygiene right it's not like if it was it wasn't like oh when you brush your teeth you're fine it's but it's like when you wake up and during the day you have bad breath and bad bad oral smell coming from you consistently and he's trying to get you on the right track like hey babe gotta brush your teeth in the way that like

you kind of do that with kids when you're like well you do need to like have a bath because you'll be stinky yeah like if you're showing up to work and people are like gagging or you know he knows things that you don't

and with this he's heard for your friends make comments about your breath or something like that or even just like he smells it and it's not great but as you said there needs to be a conversation head and I think

I, like, I don't understand how these conversations, like, when people are like, oh, I've talked to him before about this, it's like, what did he say? Did he say, well, I'm going to keep doing it? Or did he say, I'm going to stop doing it? Because that's really the only two way those conversations end, right? Like, I don't, I don't understand how you have that conversation and not have a definitive. Yeah, he's just like, hey, it upset me that you woke me up and he goes, oh, maybe he did a cash pettel. He's like, A, B, C, D. I just started saying the other bit. Yeah. So, like, when you have. have that conversation, follow it until you get an answer from them in the terms of being

like, I don't want you to do that. Do you agree that you will stop doing that? Or alternatively, be like, why do you keep doing this? And then put him on the spot of being like, why are you doing this? And if he says, like, oh, I don't know. And be like, great, then stop doing it. I don't want you to do this anymore. It does not matter to me. Please stop. And if you don't stop, there's going to be a problem matters far more to me. Like, I'm going to suffer the entire next day. I've asked you before, blah, blah, and you got to make sure you're clear, right? Like if so many times people are like, oh, I talked to him before and it's just like, I was sleepy. And he's like, oh, okay.

That's not a talk. But I will say, alternatively, if you're like, just because you fucking suck at your video game doesn't mean you have to wake me up. That's not addressing the issue, right? Like, you're just choosing a thing to lash out and hopefully maybe like insult him or hurt him or whatever. That's not addressing the issue. The issue is he woke you up when you needed to sleep. That's that's the core issue and that's what you're upset about. So talk about that.

Don't bring up the weird match history thing. Don't bring up. I think we got to bring that up. That's a weird addendum here to be like, well, Jake's match history. He fucking lost the ball. I think he's taking that on me. It's like,

is that the relationship you're in that someone's going to do this? Play Fortnite, suck shit and then get mad at you and like bully. Like that's abusive and shitty and awful. And if you genuinely think that's the case, why are you dating this person? Yeah. It's awful.

awful it's one of those like I don't know if it's like you're doing this as a means to like insult him and it really doesn't have any bearing on the situation at all still not great yeah well that's what I mean it's like it's regardless of what way it skews it's bad so either you're going to be like I'm going to attack you for something that you've done to me through another means that has nothing to do with what the problem is or as now said like this guy has a bad couple rounds on fucking rivals and has to decided to be like, I'm going to wake this bitch up for no reason. That's awful. It's terrible. So maybe just don't date each other? Yeah. I mean, like, again, you, when you have a conversation, follow it to a conclusion where you guys have both said your piece and have agreed on the next step to this problem. That's crazy talk, Dan.

We can't do that. We wouldn't have a show because the amount of, the amount of, the amount of fucking conversations and questions that we get where we're like we've talked about this it's like have you have you actually had this conversation you clearly haven't i don't understand how people can have a conversation with me like hey don't do this and then and look i know there are small things for like my partner has asked me to do certain things with the dishwasher and sometimes i don't uh we got but it's more bigger things right like things of like actual if my partner was really upset about something and she told me that that's why she was upset i would listen and hopefully i wouldn't do it again uh this is from

final operation. Does no contact really work and do exes really return? So I've been watching a lot of love coaches on YouTube and they all claim that using the no contact strategy is the most effective way of getting your ex back. I've also read some reviews on some forums that says there's nothing more than manipulation and is borderline scam in order to sell their products. What do you guys think? What's your experience with no contact?

Has any of your exes returned to you? Wild question. the I mean at first when he was like oh does no contact work I thought I was like yes it does for the end of our relationship yeah getting over a relationship moving on does no contact work but to use no contact as a means to get your ex back yeah I would love to watch the and look I know what the hook is here it's like oh don't contact them because they'll come crawling back to you and when they don't you're even more vulnerable And as this person says, you'll buy whatever fucking book, e-book, seminar, YouTube, whatever for these coaches. That's like, it's like dating apps, right? If they don't manufacture necessity, you're not going to spend money on it. If everyone got on Tinder and matched with people and was looking up and dating and had no problem, Tinder wouldn't make any fucking money. And it's the same thing with these dating coaches.

If they were giving advice that was actionable for free, then they would never make any money. That's why we make no money. That's why we make no money. It's why we make zero money. Yeah. So look, is there a kernel of truth, I guess? It's like, I think sometimes playing hard to get, being quiet can like make people be like, wait, why aren't they messaging me? Like, I should reach out to them.

But like not in a healthy way, not in a good way and not with healthy good people. If you break up and you stop talking, that's how it's meant to go. And also, like, if you break up. and you stop talking to that person, they're probably pretty happy, especially if, like, you seem to be the one who was dumped

and want to get the X back, right? And that is my, the one that dumped and you want them back. What are you doing? Again, no contact isn't the way to do that because you need to express remorse and apologize.

Yeah. Right? Like, there's, in order to get an X back, one, you have to kind of really think about why you want to do that. You broke up for a reason. And if you were the dumpee, if you were the dumped, then you really don't have much of a say.

I think there is a level of trying to get back with someone who broke up with you that you should just not do. They have told you in very clear terms, I don't want to be with you. Yeah. Unless if the thing is like, oh, I don't want to be with you because you want to, I don't know, become a magician. And you're like, you know what, I actually don't want to become a magician. I'm so sorry. I realize you're more important to me. If there's something like that that is actionable and that you genuinely honestly mean

and you're not just saying it to get back together and it's not going to ruin your life, sure, that's fine. Like if you're not making a rash choice just because you're heartbroken for a hot second, I think that's pretty much the only way you can, as a good person, try to contact somebody who's dumped you. I just think you shouldn't, though, because it's like if you're dumping each other, there's a reason for that. is that reasoning to magically change as of right now? Probably not. And if you just think,

if you were dumped for behavior, the way you treated them, X, Y, Z, there's a lot of work that needs to be done. I'm not saying it's impossible to change and appeal to someone who you loved and who used to love you by changing your behavior and getting better and getting help and rehabilitating yourself. All those things are possible. But the idea that you're going to to do that by not talking to them is strange to me other than I'm not going to talk to them while I work

on myself because I'm only going to fall into like same toxic patterns, etc. And then reach out and be like, hey, so I've done a lot of work. I recognize what I did wrong. A lot of onus, a lot of responsibility taking a lot of that. But that's not them coming to you

because you're not talking to them. That's you not talking to them so you can work on yourself and then maybe approach them once that's done. In which case, like, the odds of them taking you back pretty low, I would say. Probably. I don't think if you're watching someone or listening to advice, much like what we do, and they say that this is the way to do this, then you need to stop listening immediately. Yeah.

Because there's no surefire. If there was a way to get back with your ex, do you not think everyone would do it? Yeah. Who would be so common. If there was one way to get someone to marry. you. If there's one way to get someone to fall in love with you, if there's one way to go on a date, they wouldn't have jobs. No one would have jobs. Dating wouldn't be

a thing on TV. Like, romance shows, reality TV, dramas. Like, none of them would involve love or romance or sex or dates because it would be like, wait, that's unrealistic. Just do that one thing. Ted Mosby. Just do the one thing. Yeah. It's Rachel Ross, what are you doing? You have one thing to do. It's so easy. Yeah. It's very, very frustrating to

watch people fall for this kind of stuff like surely you must know that again if it's the same thing with like get rich quick schemes it's the same thing with like pyramid schemes and stuff like that right like if it was this easy to work your way up to the Ferrari

and the condo in Malibu and all that shit everyone would do it you're not in this weird small little informative click that now has this secret information especially if it's posted on YouTube that's going to everybody right if it's available publicly it's not secret information and it doesn't work i'm not saying

that there aren't nuggets of truth here and there that you can you can glean some information to but thinking that like oh this is the way to get back with an ex is by doing the no contact rule and here's how to do it like no yeah the only way that works is if they are like like if you make them then feel bad like you've moved on and they're insecure and then they feel like they need to move back like come back at you because you're not like and is that a healthy situation you want to be in yeah I mean changed that that's it right like think of it like again I'm assuming you are the the person who has been dumped because you're trying to get your ex back uh it it's like when people walk into my bar and I've done an early last call and they're like

well it says you're open until this time and you say well sure I understand that On Google Maps, it says that we're open until this time. However, the bar was empty and we were ready to go, so we shut it down early. Do you really think you're going to get good service and have a good time if the bartender's like, okay, I'm going to reopen the entire bar for you to sit down for 15 minutes because it's 15 minutes until legal last call? Do you really think that's an enjoyable experience? You really think you're going to have a good time? And it's the same thing as being like, oh, this person dislikes. me enough to not want to date me anymore for whatever reason I better try to get back with them

so that like where's the at one point in time does that be fun for you or enjoyable for you or healthy for you and if there if your situation so unhealthy that you pulling back from them after you've been broken up makes them like drives them to come back to you do you think that's good like that's also not healthy like it's it's bad if it works and it's actually quite good if it doesn't work, because that's how it should be. So it's like, look, re-evaluate why you broke up. Look in your heart of hearts, should you guys be together? And if so, what will have changed between you guys breaking up going forward?

And are you able to genuinely, honestly, and willingly make that change? Yeah. If so, reach out. Tell them the ways you would like to do that and apologize for whatever led to the breakup in the first place. And if not, do go no contact in a. you're moving on with your life way, which is probably the answer.

Like, people are exes for a reason. Yeah. And that's not to say that you can't become friends with your ex. I'm very good friends with one of my, you know, major exes from a really bad breakup. You could do it. But again,

we also didn't talk for like two years after we broke up. Yeah. So no contact works. No contact works. Just, just stop falling for people saying that something is a definitive way to do it. It's not. It's not.

going to be that way. This is by okay beginnings. What do I do if a girl I match with on Tinder says she's celibate, but agrees to go out. Personally, I cannot be in a sexless relationship, but I don't want to be rude and cancel the date. She's also like seven to eight years older than me. I don't know what to make of this, honestly. Hey, my dude, someone has told you a truth about themselves.

You listen, and it's very valid, and I don't think unusual to want to have sex. in a relationship. So I'm sure this person is quite used to having that brought up. And I'm sure they're quite used to not having romantic, uh, you know, um, possibilities and prospects pan out because of that. Yeah. So you not bringing it up and still going on this date to be polite is a waste of both your time and her time because she is celibate. She does not want to have sex. You are not celibate. You do want to have sex. So unless one of you changes something pretty dramatically important about your preferences of dating. Neither of you are going to want to keep seeing each other. Yeah, like, she's letting you know this information for a reason. You know what I mean?

Unless she's like, I've been celibate. Like, I would love to know how this came up. Like, is she telling you she hasn't had sex in a while? Or is she saying she does not plan to have sex? Because, like, sometimes people like, I've been celibate for a year or some shit. But like, she's telling you this in the exchanging of information. Like, you might say, like, hey, I'm looking for something. serious. I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have kids. Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's a lot of information that you convey, especially major information that you, that that person knows isn't a common desire. Yeah. So like you getting that information and then going out with them is kind of you being like, I'm cool with that. Yeah. But you're not. It's a essential,

essentially an accepting of that fact of being like, I understand yourself a bit and that doesn't matter to me. And I would like to continue to date you, even though you are. a celibate. It's right. Like, it's the same thing as like, like I said, like it's almost like, oh, hey, I'm a single parent and I have kids. And you're someone who's like, I don't want to have children at all in any regard. And then start

dating that person. And then when all of a sudden, you know, you've dated for a year, they're like, hey, I think it's time, like, I would like you to meet my kids. And you're like, what? I don't want kids. I won't date you. Yeah. It's like, it's just as stupid to do that as it is to think that you're going to

change this person's mind. Now, I think Nile brings up a very good point. I think you need to maybe reread that profile and make sure that this isn't a joke. And I also don't think there is any harm in clarifying. Yeah. Right. People did it all the time. And I did it all the time.

When I was Polly and open with my past partner, I had that disclosed in my profile. So people who that was a hard note, they could just skip past me. But it was important to like, when you met someone else who was Polly, be like, do you live with your partner? what are your rules what are your boundaries what are your this what are you that and it's important to like because what's polly for some person isn't polly for the same people and it's the same way as like you know any sort of boundary or or label or whatever it's important to clarify that because it might not mean the same thing as it means to someone else so to just ask this person be like hey sonya profile that you said you're celibate do you mean that like how how important is that to you like is it because i'm i don't want to get into a relationship that that doesn't have the opportunity you for sexual relationships to burn it or like you know I appreciate your honesty I appreciate you letting people know that but like I'm you know sex is a big part of relationship for me and I just want to know is it till marriage is it like whatever and just ask about it and I'm sure she'll tell you and then you can make your decision but like that's part of having a healthy relationship

conversation is like you being honest then being honest they've told you something and you've just been like well I hate that but I'm not going to tell them yeah it's not if they get mad at then like you you really have nothing to lose here because yeah the the fear that I think a lot of men have about addressing things before meeting especially in terms of sex is that they're going to talk themselves out of sex right is they're worried that if they bring this up they're going to scare this person away and they're not going to have a date and therefore they're not going to have sex that's not an issue here because if she sell a bit you're not going to have sex anyway. So there's really, this is like a baby's first boundary conversation

where there is no downside to it. Well, I think the downside is like offending somebody or upsetting them or whatever. But like, it's a thing she's saying about herself, presumably so you can know it and therefore make decisions based on it. And if she's not mature enough that her decisions can be taken in a way she wouldn't want, then there is no downside because that's a relationship you don't want to have anyway. And you've just, yeah, double check that box. Exactly, right? I can, I could see someone like, I don't think it would be unreasonable or surprising at all. If this was me matching with this person, I was, and I was like, hey, you know, sex is a large part of a relationship for me. And I don't think I'd want to date someone where sex was off the table.

I could see someone being like, it's always about sex. It's disgusting. You're just, right? Like, I could see that conversation going that way. And then you just say, didn't mean to offend, was just clarifying boundaries. It's an important thing to me. And you move on, right? Like, it's, it's one of those things. I don't think it's your job to convince this person that sex is a good idea. I don't think it's a good idea for you to think that you're the one who will change her mind. Like any of that stuff, like, it's not your job to change this person's mind. No, no. It's their job to clarify your indecision, right? It's both of your jobs to come forward with an honest, like, explanation of what you're looking for, whether that,

jives and if it doesn't to be cool with each other and depart on good terms. Yeah, that's it. So have the conversation, be honest, be up front, but don't be afraid. Again, once you're not dick about it, please don't be a dick about it. Yeah, don't be a dick about it. It really is just a matter of saying like,

hey, sex is important to me? Are you actually celibate? And is that something that you wish to maintain for a very long period of time? And if they say yes, be like, great, I wish you the best of luck. This won't work out and I don't want to waste your time. Boom. There you go. You can use that word for word and you're good.

This is from a deleted user. Am I a fuck boy for preparing for sex? I'm a 44-year-old male and two years ago I lost my wife. I haven't dated in 15 years. A few weeks ago, I decided to get out there again and start dating, so I did my research and I think I was thoroughly prepared. I had my first date last night. Dinner, the conversation was amazing.

She invited me back to her place and I accepted. The part of preparing for the date is I made sure I trimmed my body hair, including pubic hair. I also popped a breath mint as we went to the, the car. I also prepared a small Ziploc bag with condoms, lube, and wipes, so if we had sex, I would be prepared. We were making out, and when she undressed me, I then took out my Ziploc bag. She asked what it was, and I showed her the bag's contents. Her mood totally changed and she became angry. She told me I was giving her fuckboy vibes. I asked her why. She said

something like, your whole vibe, body, manscaping, cologne, breathments, fuck boy pouch? I quickly left. I dejected, or I'm dejected, as I was just trying to give a good first impression to be prepared and well-groomed. Any help with this would be much appreciated. There's just something about the Ziploc bag that... It's the Ziploc bag. I think you would have been completely fine. And let me tell you, you were completely fine

until you whipped out the Ziploc bag. There's just something about the Ziploc bag. I don't know. It gives like packed lunch vibes. It gives serial killer vibes. Like, I don't know, Dexter, like, pulls out a Ziploc bag of not. knives. It's that.

So here's what I will say. Nothing you did was wrong. No. Right? You did what I usually do on all of my, like, you know, you make sure you're, you're trim, you're looking good, whatever that means to you. I'm an optimist. If I'm going on a date, I'm not preparing for the worst.

I'm preparing for the best. I don't want to be caught. Like, I'll make my bed. I'll do whatever. It's like you want the best to happen if it's happening. You don't want anything to get in the way of that, right? And also, on top of that, you want to be fucking safe. And, like, for me, there's a ritual of feeling good.

I don't know if you do the same thing, but it's like, there are things that I do that immediately sort of, like, boost my confidence. There's things that, like, immediately make me feel, ooh, I feel a little better, shaving my head, trimming my beard, cutting my toenails, making sure that I got no little, like, stray hairs on my eyebrows or my nose. Like, little minute grooming details make me feel. feel good and when I feel good I'm confident and when I'm confident I'm charming and when I'm charming I'm going to get laid probably so it's like you want to take those steps to feel good about yourself yeah so don't feel bad that you groomed yourself that you put a breathman in I think that's courteous especially if you like just had dinner that's the most basic shit let's be fair yeah you're you're doing courteous things that make it more enjoyable for you to be

intimate with someone. You don't have bad breath. You're not covered in coarse hair that's going to be uncomfortable. Like, you've, you've taken the steps to make yourself feel good, and you've taken the steps to make, hopefully, being intimate with you, an enjoyable experience. Yeah. But the Ziploc bag. And there's the Ziploc bag. And you brought the Ziplug bag out. I, if you are, there's something clinical and gross about the Ziploc bag. Yeah. And also something, little childish yeah right when i think zip lock bag i think like pencil case i think my mom pack this for me like it's like right like it's it gives me sort of like childish vibes which

might just be me but no it's it's it's there's just something it doesn't it's like anachronistic it doesn't fit in the scenario it's not like the maturity level the sexy level it's it's clinical it's weird and like Ziploc bags are for like you know lunch meets and shit it's not for yeah loose loose zip ties and stuff right like it's yeah it's and look and this might be a a hot take i don't really know where people stand on it but i don't think it's your job it's whoever's apartment you're in to provide things like lube and sanitary and hygiene stuff right i don't think it's your job to be walking around with a sort of like sex kit like a you know a one size fits all sex kit no matter where you go that i think is is strange

and i think is a little off putting i do agree i think it was overkill i think have your condoms you're good if you have stuff at home that's fine like if you have luba home or if you have wipes that's not weird but to bring them with you i think is a little strange because it feels like you're ready to fuck in an alley yeah it you're trying to make it paddled and also like yeah it's like I don't know. Like the whole thing is like, are you trying to avoid getting DNA and all this stuff? Is that why it's in the Ziploc bag? Seas serial killer, right?

We're back to it. Yeah, it's that I think is where you lost the plot a little bit. I don't think, do not take this encounter as a, a defining moment in your new single bachelor era, right? I think the thing to take away is it was all going good until you pulled the Ziploc back out. So what do you think is the problem? It's the Ziploc bag. And then maybe if you see a recurring thing, if women keep bringing up something to you, if, if there is a move that you're doing that turns a lot of people off, then it's a new thing to think about. Yeah.

But up until the Ziplog bag, everything you had done had worked because you were, you were progressing in the steps. Getting down to it. Right? Like, yeah, you were getting undressed. You were getting naked. You were about to have sex, most likely. you were you were going through the the normal steps and progression of a sexual encounter until the Ziploc bag to lose the zip lock bag I would love to know like you said she started getting

undressed and then you just whipped it out like maybe sex wasn't on the table yet I think she was undressing him yeah we were making out when she undressed me okay but like you know could have been could have been that a little head a little manual stimulation maybe like the second clothes came off you were like, bam, here's my fucking Ziploc bag full of every sex thing imaginable. Yeah. You know, just I think the Ziploc bag and the excess of goods did it. You have some condoms. Yes, I think that is.

And like, there's, don't put them in your wallet. Keep them somewhere accessible. Keep them somewhere safe. Don't put them in the pocket with your keys. Like, have a, have a designated spot for your condoms. If you wear the jeans that have like the place for nails, I believe. leave is what the little mini pocket is for. It's for bus change.

I find that most of those, those little like half tiny pockets fit a condom quite well. And they're safe. You're not putting anything else in there. There's no agitation to it. So just bring condoms. It's not your job to provide lobe. If someone needs loob, hopefully they have it at their place. And if they need it, hopefully you have it at your place.

And if not, there's always saliva. so like there's there's there's things you can do here and I think the main one is is a Ziplog bag yeah it's it's the the biggest offender and when you look like an offender yeah and when you're when you're preparing your spot your your bedroom for sexual encounters with multiple people as I assume you're going to be doing as you're dating don't have your condoms in a Ziploc bag in your bedside table right have I had a small little and I think you had a treasure chest I believe is where you kept yours I get mine in a just like a small little like metal little container holder thing in my bedside table and it was just like that's where they went it was it was one so that I knew that wasn't getting jostled around and being poked and prodded by other random shit in my drawer and I knew where they were I could find them boom yeah and there were there they are yeah and I will say on that note like don't also just leave like you don't want someone coming back to your like place and there's like a candle

and some handcuffs on one bed table and condoms laid out with like some loom and white like yeah like if they walk in and you've just like it looks like it's primed for like a porn set or something like that's going to be a little weird yeah your apartment isn't a sex club those those are sex club things right like where where there's condoms in every station there's lube stations there's hand sanitizer and wipe stations like your apartment should feel cozy and comfortable. I'm of the mind that you should be able to transition quite seamlessly and easily into sex pretty simply in your apartment. You should be able to, I, you know, I think having things at arms reach is very important so that you're not like, hold on and then running to

the bathroom and like rummaging around in your like hidden sex basket and then running back up. Betside table, non-negotiable. You got to have them there. You got to be able to roll over and grab them. Maybe don't have them hidden at every part of your apartment. So if you're on the couch or in the kitchen, boop, you don't want to just be like, hold on. There's hidden secret apartments here. I think bedside table, you're probably good. If you're fucking on the couch and you have to get up and go to the bathroom to get a condom, they'll either come with you or you'll be back in a second. It'll be fine. But like, just don't have a little sex display going on. Yeah. Like have some tact, have some chill. You know what I mean?

And then again, if it's your home, there's no problem with having lube and wipes and all that stuff that's totally fine i just don't think it needs to be a mobile carry kit no that's weird man how do you get laid when you got nothing going for you i'm five six have an office job that pays 41 grand drive a regular honda i have a one-bedroom apartment and no degree i know there are a man out there who've been in worse positions than me and do extremely well with women but i always wondered how they managed to do it i mean we've we've dude get over your fucking self. Yeah.

I'm 5-7. I make like 20 grand a year on paper. Obviously I make more than that because of tips, but I'll never tell. Shh. I don't even have a car. I have a diploma in acting.

I do have two podcasts. I didn't, for most of my single life, though, and I never had trouble. So the idea that your height or your degree or or your job or your car has any bearing on this. You know what does have a bearing on it?

Your shitty attitude. Exactly. Your insecurity and the fact that you're either going for people who care about this shit, which means they're shitty people or you're trying to go up to people and be like, hey, uh, I'm five, six.

Yeah. I guess I'm just short. I'll fucking leave. I guess you'd never fuck me because I'm just a little guy. And then just like walking away with your fucking head low. Hi, Claire, I only have a Honda. Fuck, and you want, like, who cares? Who's asking?

Like, why is this even coming up? Yeah, and if you are chasing women in circles that do care about height and job and degree and cars, get out of it because those circles suck anyway. I don't care how attractive these people are. They're not going to be fun to be around and they're going to suck to date, especially with your circumstances. Yeah. So get some confidence. Meet people in other places. don't hang your fucking

personality off these things and if you don't have a personality to hang off these things get one and then hang it elsewhere and get therapy you seem to be dealing with it it's just like

just fucking deal with it it's like you've say it in the question well I know people in worse situations have no problem with it yeah that's your fucking answer dude this is an excuse

all those things you listed mean fucking jack shit it doesn't matter and you're being a baby yeah also you're saying you have nothing to offer because of those what four or five things what about everything else are you funny are you nice are you kind are you interesting yeah are you passionate about literally anything if not there's

your fucking answer right if you answered no if you think that you are the sum of your job your car your degree and your uh apartment i'll see you have a one bedroom apartment most people that's great good job you live alone that's your fucking problem is you live alone dude you're fine. That's all you need. I was getting laid roommates in a shitty apartment. Yeah. You're fine.

You're fine. This is tough love. It is tough love. And I know you're going to be like, you don't know what it's like. We do know what it's like. Fuck off. Yeah.

And it's, I don't even know how to drive. It's true. Nile and I both do not have licenses. Yeah. I have a bike and it's not a good bike. I don't even. even have a bike.

He doesn't even have a bike, man. Public transit and Uber. That's how I get around town. You think people are hot here and we get the bus? We get the worst bus, too. It's true. The two buses that I use the most are catastrophic. Yeah.

The fucking TTC, it ain't glamorous. And we're out there. We're getting it. And you know what else we're getting laid? Yeah. So it's not an excuse. You're more than the. the sum of, of those random things you've decided to make your personality. And if you really

truly do feel like you've got nothing to offer, I highly recommend talking to a mental health professional because they will help hopefully restructure and reframe and give you perspective on the things that actually matter. And then you will be more confident in what you have to offer to other people. Also, get some friends. Do you not have friends? Do you think you know anything to offer for them? Because guess what? It's probably the same shit you're going to offer a partner. Yeah. That's it.

We're done. We love you. We did it. I can keep yelling at this person for hours, but I won't. I will. And we will. We're going to release an extended cut. We'll be doing progressively angrier until we need Fortnite to cool us off.

It's true. We love you. Thanks for coming back. Thank you to all our Brazilian family. Welcome to the party. We love you. Familia? Amelia? That's Italian, I think.

Dang. Maybe Portuguese. Get the hell out of here. Get the hell out of here. I'm so sorry for him. At least I know they speak Portuguese. That's pretty big. They speak Brazilian.

We love you. And we love all of our listeners. Shout out to everybody. I hope things are going well out there. It's a wild, wild world. But in some positivity, I saw eight whales last week. That's crazy. Yeah, eight humpbacks, eight or, sorry, four humpbacks, four orcas.

and they were all doing well. They all had little babies with them. And apparently the ocean life is teeming over in Vancouver because they used to do whaling and the area used to be really bad, but the whales have rediscovered that the area is doing really well. So they've been repopulating it. And it's actually great. So look, little positivity.

The world, nature is returning. And my positivity is that my cat's potassium is hop. Mm, fuck yeah. The whales are returning. The potassium is returning. It's true. That's a good thing, by the way. I know that it doesn't sound, it sounds strange, but my cat has a potassium deficiency.

We got them tested. Not anymore. And it's on the rise. So fingers crossed, it keeps rising and we're good. You got some past X writing? Oh, yes. Podcast, pop over to Patreon. Give us a share.

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Make a little video of us. Send us a question. We will take it all. We love you. All right? Thank you, Josh Eagle, and the Harvestons for the song Paper Stars. And it's time for some bad sex writing.

This is Charnell House by Graham Masterson, 1977. The receptionist was a buxom girl in a tight white dress who must have tipped the balance for many a touch-and-go coronary patient. She had buffin' black hair, in which her nurse's cap nestled like a neatly laid egg, and enough teeth for herself and three others like her. Not that there could have been, three others like her, or even one.

Well, now, hold on. What the hell is that mean? How many fucking teeth has she got? Also, obviously, there was someone like her, because she is like her. You're describing her. I guess a second of her, you know? She's unique, Dan.

Yeah, it just sounds like she... She's like fucking 180 teeth. Yeah, she's just full of teeth. It's funny. Like, I understand what they're trying to say there, but they're just doing it in such a bad way. I just They don't have that many teeth

Hey, if they did A horror A horror movie Maybe it is It's called charnel house It is called charnel house That's immediately what I thought of as well My name is Dave Miller

And I'm Nall Spain I do like that he was like she hot though Shea hot though Shit ton of teeth but very hot We've been your fuck buddies Thank you. Thank you.