Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - #213 BITESIZE | How To Fear Less | Dr Pippa Grange

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Starting point is 00:00:51 10. And these packs are perfect for keeping in your backpack, office, or car. If you want to take advantage of this limited time offer, all you have to do is go to drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better, Live More. Bite size your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 126 of the podcast with my friend and former England football team psychologist, Pippa Grange. Pippa believes that most of us are performing at life rather than truly living life. And in this clip, she explains why we should stop holding back, put fear aside and allow ourselves to live the life that we want to live. the life that we want to live. We have two massive primal fears in life. One is death, of course,

Starting point is 00:01:58 and the end of our own existence. And the other is abandonment. And in our contemporary lives, the way that that plays out for us now is I'm not going to be good enough. Not that I'm actually going to be abandoned, but I'm not going to be good enough. Not that I'm actually going to be abandoned, but I'm not going to be good enough. I might be outcast socially. I might be rejected in some way. And that's a chronic background noise, a chronic background fear that I think is so pervasive in our lives. There's a poverty in uniformity. So when we try and make everybody cookie cutter the same, when we have this sort of central idea of what good looks like or what enough looks like, and everybody's moving to that middle ground, I think it's just, it strips us of the richness of our humanness, of everything that we are, of the spirit in a way. And for me, when we just try and conform to one archetype,

Starting point is 00:02:50 one way of being, what a loss because we have to trim off all these slightly untidy edges where all the gorgeousness is in people. And I think that's such a shame. And I think that's such a shame. But I think maybe more importantly is how free we feel to share opinions, to put our views out there, to express what we care about and not have to trim it, tidy it up, hold back so much. That's really where the pain is and the loneliness, I think, for a lot of people. Because the more you hold back from what you really feel, the more you're performing your life, not living it. And that's a problem. That I could feel shivers, as you said, that you're performing in your life, not living it. That is so powerful, Pippa, because, you know, I see that with society. I see it with people around me. I see it with my friends. I've seen it with myself. I think for

Starting point is 00:03:51 much of my life, I have performed at life. I've not really lived my life. And I really feel these days, I do live my life. I feel I share everything on this show. And it's freeing. It gives you more energy. There's something, what was it I read this morning in your book? You said something about, it was something about energy and how it's draining living someone else's life, right? It's knackering. Yeah. And also just living half of your own. I personally think that we're performing a lot of the time and we're performing because we need to feel that we're seen in a particular way so that we're good enough. So if we could unpack some more of that, I think more mental freedom is on the other side of it. It's the performative nature of us showing up and with all our, what's that beautiful quote? And I don't

Starting point is 00:04:47 remember who said it, but personally, I'm just a bunch of flaws stitched together with good intentions. And it's perfect because it's not about sort of a resignation or presuming you won't try and find your very best potential or express your talent as best you can. But it's the idea that if you don't do it in a particular way, you're not worthy and good enough as a human being. And therefore, everything else is sort of anchored into that. Yeah. I'll be honest with you, I can't shake this idea that you mentioned. Are you performing at life or are you living life? I think it's so powerful. Again, I can't imagine that won't have an impact on every single person listening or watching this

Starting point is 00:05:32 right now. I'd ask everyone to just ask themselves, are you performing at life or are you living your life? It's so simple yet so profound. And I would want to just add to that, that it's not another area to lay blame on yourself. You know, because we all do it. The whole conversation, the whole compassionate conversation I'm hoping to have is like, okay, where's the dial down button? How do I turn this down? We all do it. It springs up. How do I turn it turn it down again you know and how do i let go sometimes we feel like we've got to add something most of the time this stuff is just letting go it's like uncurling your hands um and letting go of some stuff trusting yourself a bit more um being brave in that way rather than um another level of perfectionism that you have to achieve. You talk about relationships and how relationships are really fundamental to,

Starting point is 00:06:32 I guess, our overall well-being. Why do you think relationships are so important? Why have relationships sort of become fragmented in the way we live these days? And what can we do about it? I think relationships are the point. You know, they're not just important, they're the point. You know, we've talked ourselves into this idea that we're all separately, as if we're walking next to each other, but we're all separately on this, you know, big journey to achievement and outcomes collectively, you know, if it's convenient. And sometimes we might even link arms, but we've forgotten that the point, the joy, the very raison d'etre, the thing that we're here for is each other,

Starting point is 00:07:19 is to connect. That's where all the joy is. You know if you um win the world cup and there's nobody in the stadium how does that feel or nobody's tuned in you know it's the shared joy of our journeys that is the point yeah i think it's really interesting that we we have almost like confined our ideas about intimacy to our one relationship you know or, or to our, you know, to the sexual realm, rather than it be like, for me, intimacy is about, can I just show up as me and be real and be close to you? Can I connect, right? That's intimacy. This is an intimate conversation because we're talking in real terms about who we are and what we care about and we're exposed right yeah but that is the juice of life that is where the richness and zest is when we can

Starting point is 00:08:12 actually connect like that because you can't be intimate and performative let me just sit with that you can't be intimate and perform so yeah you can't you can't perform who you are and be real enough to be intimate they're almost kind of opposites right yeah so you know for me the more we can actually say about who we are and what we care about the more we can sort of just expose okay this this is it yeah how do people listen to this who go okay i want a bit more intimacy in my life how do they start going about getting it when you want to move to be more intimacy in my life. How do they start going about getting it? When you want to move to be more intimate, this isn't something that you just start. You just, you know, there's no technique involved. It's a journey. So, I don't want people to feel

Starting point is 00:08:56 like I'm not getting it. I'm not doing it properly. You know, it's a journey. It might take you years and that's okay. It's a brilliant journey. But, you know, start by eye contact. So, you know, when you speak to somebody, can you hold their gaze? Do you revert to your phone pretty quickly when you get into an elevator or you get in the back of an Uber or something? You know, can you connect? And it's different to introversion, right? I make this point in the book.

Starting point is 00:09:22 People who are introverted tend to have stronger personal boundaries and prefer privacy and a richer inner world. And there's no judgment on that whatsoever because they can still have really deep intimate relationships. It's more about how are you connecting and showing up as you without guarding all of you? I think when you open the door to kindness, it comes quickly. I think when you open the door to honesty, it gets reciprocated quickly. Not every time, of course, but first you have to just feel like you're so sure that, you know, not that you're perfect, but that you're worth something, that your worth isn't questioned. When you can do that and just show up, the opportunity for that energy exchange between you is so strong. When we apologize for who we are

Starting point is 00:10:13 all the time or for what we do, it gets in the way of intimacy. Just be, you know, rather than just neatening everything off. You can't do that when you're intimate. No. You know, you don't need to do that when you're intimate because you're allowed to be human. Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Please do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the full conversation with my guest. And if you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy

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Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - #213 BITESIZE | How To Fear Less | Dr Pippa Grange

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