Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - #235 BITESIZE | How to Create a Happier Life | Gretchen Rubin

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

What does happiness mean and why do so many of us struggle with it? Feel Better Live More Bitesize is my weekly podcast for your mind, body, and heart.  Each week I’ll be featuring inspirational stories and practical tips from some of my former guests.   Today’s clip is from episode 181 of the podcast with author of the brilliant book ‘The Happiness Project’, Gretchen Rubin. In this clip, she explains why we all need to think about our happiness and describes some of the steps we can take to live a happier life. Thanks to our sponsor http://www.athleticgreens.com/livemore Order Dr Chatterjee's new book Happy Mind, Happy Life: UK version: https://amzn.to/304opgJ, US & Canada version: https://amzn.to/3DRxjgp Support the podcast and enjoy Ad-Free episodes. Try FREE for 7 days on Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/3oAKmxi. For other podcast platforms go to https://fblm.supercast.com.   Show notes and the full podcast are available at drchatterjee.com/181 Follow me on instagram.com/drchatterjee Follow me on facebook.com/DrChatterjee Follow me on twitter.com/drchatterjeeuk DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on the podcast or on my website. 

Today's Bite Size episode is brought to you by AG1, a science-driven daily health drink with over 70 essential nutrients to support your overall health. It includes vitamin C and zinc, which helps support a healthy immune system, something that is really important at this time of year. It also contains prebiotics and digestive enzymes that help support your gut health. It's really tasty and has been in my own life for over five years. Until the end of January, AG1 are giving a limited time offer. Usually they offer my listeners a one-year supply of vitamin D and K2 and five free travel packs with their first order. But until the end of January, they are doubling the five free travel packs to

10. And these packs are perfect for keeping in your backpack, office, or car. If you want to take advantage of this limited time offer, all you have to do is go to drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 181 of the podcast with Gretchen Rubin, author of the fantastic book, The Happiness Project. In this clip, Gretchen talks about happiness and describes some of the simple steps that we can take to live a happier life. What does happiness mean to you? And why do you think so many people struggle with it? There's something like 15 or 17 academic definitions of happiness. And I actually like

the looseness of the kind of the layman's term happiness, because I think for different people, it can have different meanings. It can be joy, bliss, contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction. people can have different meanings. It can be joy, bliss, contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction. And so I think we can all bring our own values and connotations to it. And I actually think it's more helpful to think about being happier. If I do this, well, next month, next year, do I think I'd be happier? Because I find that sometimes the word happiness can get very transcendent and complicated. And it's like, am I happy? I don't know. What would it mean to have a happy life? How would I stay there? I find it very confusing to think about myself. But if you say, would this make me happier? Usually that's crystal clear. And it's really more about the process than about some arrival point. So usually I think about being happier, just,

you know, is it giving me more of what I love more that is good? Is it bringing me less of things like guilt, anger, resentment, negative emotions is my life in harmony with my values. And am I growing in some way? I think the atmosphere of growth is very important for happiness. So if those are the four factors of happiness, then there's ways for people to stumble. Maybe they don't have enough love. They don't have enough fun. They don't have enough adventure. If don't have enough adventure if they want adventure. Maybe they have too much guilt, anger, boredom, resentment. Maybe they feel like their life isn't in harmony with their values. That's a very bad feeling. Or maybe they feel stagnant. Maybe they feel like there's nothing

in their life that's where they're moving or growing or helping or fixing or teaching. And so that's the element that they need. Do you see happiness as having a different meaning for people if it's in their personal life or if it's in their work life or if it's in their relationships? Or do you feel that, you know, the same underlying themes encompass all three of those areas? I think it's different in different areas, different things come to the fore. But I mean, I think the basics are basically going to be the same. Like, you know, ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that to be happy, we have to have strong relationships, we have to have intimate, enduring bonds, we need to feel like we belong, we need to feel like we confide,

we need to feel like we can get support and just as important, give support. And that's true at home. And then when they look at who's happy in the workplace, it's the people who say, I have a friend at work. Someone's got my back. I know I can trust somebody. I feel good about somebody. Not just somebody I'm joking around with, but a true friend.

And does my boss care about my progress? Does my boss, not the big boss at the top who maybe he's got the big, exciting vision, but my personal boss, does that person care about seeing me succeed and seeing me grow? So that's relationships. It looks different in the workplace, but it's still that core value of relationships and connection. Happiness is something that I think many people in society are moving away from now saying, oh, you know, we shouldn't be chasing happiness. You know, it's more about meaning and purpose. I'm not convinced. I actually think we all do want happiness in our lives. I think we've just mistaken what it is. We think it's about the sugar high we get from a chocolate

bar when that's kind of not the sort of happiness I think you're talking about, is it? Well, I'm not a scientist, so I can say things like happiness doesn't always make you feel happy. And I think that sometimes we do things because they're meaningful or because they serve a higher value, even though they don't make us feel good in the moment. So maybe I'm, I had a terrible relationship with one of my parents, this person's sick in the hospital, I don't like to go to the hospital, I don't get along well with my parent, I dread it, I don't look forward to it, I don't like it while I'm there. And yet I do it because I'm like, that's part of what it means to be a good son or a good daughter is I'm going to go visit that parent. And that's my value. And so it

doesn't make me feel good. It might make me feel bad, but it makes me feel happy and that my life is reflecting my values. And so I think sometimes people think like, well, happiness must make you feel good all the time. Happiness doesn't make us feel good all the time. I mean, you and I both have children. Children are a major source of happiness. And sometimes the researchers kind of scratch their heads and say, why is it the parents report all these feelings of not feeling very happy? And yet parents say they're very happy. I'm like, that's not hard for me to understand. You can be very happy and just not be feeling very good. You know, when your kid is getting you up at 5am every morning for, you know, years upon years. And yet it's a life that's meaningful to you. And also I think, you know,

sometimes people are, they have this idea that if you seek to be happy, that must mean that you're sort of a spoiled brat or that you're very ungrateful. They may feel that with all the suffering and injustice in the world, it's not morally appropriate to seek to be happier. And yet the research shows that when you look at people who are happier, they are more interested in the problems of other people. And they're more interested in the problems of the world. They donate more money. They volunteer more time. They're more likely to vote. They're more likely to help out if a friend or a family member or colleague or a neighbor lends a hand. You know, it's not like being happy makes you want to drink margaritas by the beach. It makes

people think, can't we come up with a better way to distribute malaria nets around here? Like, I think I need to get involved in that. And it makes us, it gives us the emotional wherewithal to turn outward and to think about the pain of the world and other people. Many of us, I think, certainly I know this is true for me, have in the past mistaken success for happiness. You know, we listen to what society tells us is successful and we often spend our lives chasing that to get to that apparent destination and realize, well, that's not making me happy.

So there's a lot of people out there who feel stuck, who perhaps aren't, you know, getting nourished in their day-to-day work. You had a really big-time career ahead of you as a lawyer, from what I understand. Yeah. What can we learn from you? You were compelled to writing. If someone's listening to this and they're stuck, is there anything that they can learn from you to help them in their lives?

Well, one thing, and I talk about this all the time, is to beware of drift. So this doesn't solve the problem that maybe makes you realize that you're heading towards an issue. So drift is the decision that you make by not deciding. You don't want to deal with uncertainty. You don't want to deal with conflicts. And so you sort of do the obvious thing, the thing that people around you approve of or expect. Every year I talk to a group of first year medical students. Medical students often drift into it.

Both my parents are doctors. I'm really good at science. Everybody tells me I should be a doctor. I don't know what else to do with myself. I guess I'll just go to medical. You know, first it's like, first I'll take the MCAT. You know, I'll take the test to see if I can, oh, I did really well on the MCAT. I guess I'll apply and see what happens.

And that's exactly what happened to me with law. I just drifted toward a path. And the thing about the word drift is it implies that it's easy or that it's effortless, but it's not. Drift is often incredibly hard. Medical school is so hard. Law school was hard.

Everything about it was hard from beginning to end. And yet it was drifting because I was not intentionally, purposefully making decisions, thinking about what I wanted, thinking about what I was good at, what I was bad at, what I valued. I just was like, gosh, everybody seems to think it'd be a good idea for me to go to law school and keep my options open. I'll just go. That's drift. So if you see yourself drifting, there's some warning signs of drift. Like if you're doing something because everybody else in your life is doing it, like you feel like you should get married because everybody else is getting married. Or if you're being reactive,

you take a job because somebody offers you a job. It seems like the thing that everybody else thinks you should do, like going to medical school or law school, those can be signs of drift. And I think where there's drift, then you often will see people who are not happy because they ended up there just kind of arbitrarily. It's like, you don't go to sound engineering school if you're not interested in sound. So the people who go to sound engineering school, like they want to be there, but in some things it kind of attracts people who are drifting. And sometimes drift can work out great. So that's what makes it confusing

because some people will drift into something and it turns out it suits them very well. So then the question becomes, okay, what if you realize, oh my goodness, I've drifted into something or for whatever reason, I'm in the wrong place, what do I do? That's a huge question. And I think one thing that is really helpful is to say,

well, what do you do with your free time? Because often there are clues in your free time. What did I do with my free time? Did I read law journal articles, like all the people who are clerking with me on the Supreme Court? And did I like on my lunch hour, did I want to debate fine points of law like they did? No, I did not. I wasn't passionate about law like the people around me. In my free time, I was reading and writing. And then when I got the idea for this book, I was reading and writing for that book. So that was a clue. Like I had a friend who like was always volunteering to do video projects for people.

Like, oh, at her children's school, I'll do a video project for you. And everybody would say how amazing they were. And it's like, maybe that's what you should do, because that's what you're choosing to do. Your natural inclination is taking you there. You might need to approach it in a different way to make it a professional choice, a work choice. You know, sometimes people just like, they know they want to leave, but they don't know where they want to go.

And that's hard. Yeah. I mean, a big theme in what you're talking about is, first of all, awareness. Yeah. Simply being aware that you are in the midst of drift. Yes. Even if you can't do anything about it just yet. Self-knowledge. That's massive. So hard. But it's then, you know, from awareness, it's that intention behind what you're doing. As you say, it's that self-knowledge, it's understanding, okay, cool, I'm in this career, I don't like it, but at least I'm aware now, this is why I ended up here. Now with this new intention and this new awareness, let me now take steps, little by little

if needed be, to start undrifting and actually get back on track. You know, I love people coming to the show to learn about themselves, how to think differently, how to act differently, how to really get more out of their lives. So I'd love someone with all your wisdom. I wonder if you could share some sort of practical tips here at the end so that people who've been inspired can actually think, okay, you know what? I like those two things. I'm going to try and apply them in my life right now. So I was talking to a friend and she and her husband were thinking about moving back to their hometown. They were getting ready to start a family and they thought, well, maybe it'd be

easier. But then they had really great jobs where they were living and it was a big city and it was exciting and they could imagine a great life there. And so they were going back and forth, the pros, the cons. And I said, well, choose the bigger life. And you can imagine for many people, the bigger life would be to stay in the big city. But instantly she's like, well, for us, the bigger life is to move home. Because it was like we have family there. We have friends there. We could make our jobs be just as interesting if we worked at it.

We could have a bigger house. That's important to us. She wanted a garden. He was really into fishing. It's like that's the bigger life for us. And it was like, in an instant she saw, even though before that she'd been just like tormented by indecision. And so I do think that sometimes it's like the kind of in the ineffable, what is bigger kind of helps you put aside rational thought and go like straight to the heart of whatever is at the core of your indecision.

And another one is figure out some way to just deepen your connection with other people. So like a few ideas to try in my house, everybody gives warm hellos and goodbyes, meaning if you come or go, everybody like stands up, gives you like a hug or a kiss, says goodbye or says hello if you're coming back, because it's easy to fall into a thing where people just sort of grunt out from, you know, without even looking up from what they're doing. And that doesn't create that kind of tender atmosphere and attentiveness that you want at home. Or another thing that I do with my parents and my sister, my sister lives in Los Angeles and I live in New York and my parents live in Kansas City. So we're all spread out. Every five or seven days, we send an update email and it's called update. And you just write in the

most boring things, like just what's going on in your life and the most basic level. And the motto of update is it's okay to be boring. But what you realize, and we all know this in everyday life, when you see people all the time, you have a ton to tell them. But when you see people rarely, it's like, how are you? I'm fine. What's new? Not much. And I find that like, I have so much more to say to my parents and my sister, when I really know on a very, very granular level, like, did they go to Costco today? You know, it's funny how much that matters. So sometimes you really can find these little things that can move the needle for you. Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Have a wonderful weekend. And I'll be back next

week with my long form conversational Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.