Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - #282 BITESIZE | Why Emotions Matter More Than You Think | Professor Marc Brackett

Starting point is 00:00:00 Today's Bite Size episode is brought to you by AG1, a science-driven daily health drink with over 70 essential nutrients to support your overall health. It includes vitamin C and zinc, which helps support a healthy immune system, something that is really important at this time of year. It also contains prebiotics and digestive enzymes that help support your gut health. It's really tasty and has been in my own life for over five years. Until the end of January, AG1 are giving a limited time offer. Usually they offer my listeners a one-year supply of vitamin D and K2 and five free travel packs with their first order. But until the end of January, they are doubling the five free travel packs to

Starting point is 00:00:51 10. And these packs are perfect for keeping in your backpack, office, or car. If you want to take advantage of this limited time offer, all you have to do is go to drinkag1.com forward slash live more. Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 179 of the podcast with Professor Mark Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Now, emotions matter more than we think. And in this clip, Mark explains why being able to understand our own and other people's feelings can have a profound impact on our lives. basically you're saying that getting better at recognizing understanding dealing with processing our emotions is going to help us be more creative more mindful have better relationships

Starting point is 00:02:02 improve our physical health our our mental health, our emotional health. That's a pretty good sell, right? That is a huge deal. Emotions are the drivers of our health. We know that how we feel influences the chemicals in our body, which in turn affects our immune system, attacks our heart, our general physical health. Feelings are a part of who we are every single day and every moment of the day. This mindset that emotions are our emotional intelligence is a soft skill, kind of is mind-blowing to me. You know, that it is something to be suppressed, denied, or controlled, as opposed to the way we think about emotional intelligence, is learning how to use our emotions wisely to achieve well-being, to achieve good relationships,

Starting point is 00:02:54 to achieve our goals, to, you know, be creative. And so for me, it's never about repressing, denying, it's always about capitalizing on them and using them wisely. I'm on this mission to build a world of emotion scientists who are open to emotion, who are curious about feelings. The more language we have and the more nuanced we are, the more self-aware we are, the better able we are to help ourselves and other people. Emotion regulation is not always about getting rid of the emotion. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:29 It's about using the emotion wisely. So like, I honestly, you know, I have had anxiety problems my entire life. I worry about everything. I even worry about why I worry. I worry about why I worry about why I worry. And the truth is, I don't really have much to worry about. I've worry about why I worry. I worry about why I worry about why I worry. And the truth is, I don't really have much to worry about. I've got a very good life. I'm very, you know, pretty healthy and pretty happy. But nevertheless, my default is something will go wrong today. And then now, I share this with you, because I've learned a lot about myself.

Starting point is 00:04:03 For example, during COVID, when these things kind of metastasized, right? It's like, you know, April, like the stock market's going to crash and my center's going to close. And, you know, like what's going on here? Like, how am I going to work? What is my, how am I going to, you know, my family,

Starting point is 00:04:20 my mother-in-law was living with us and she came for something in February and then she couldn't go back to Panama for seven months and we were like okay this is really like the world's coming to an end I'm locked in my house and my mother-in-law is not going home and we can't really go shopping and we can't go visit people like there's a lot to worry about I'm fortunate that I don't have you know you, I have a beautiful home and I have a beautiful family. But my point, as you can imagine, is that can take its toll on people.

Starting point is 00:04:52 And I'm blessed that I was able to sit with those feelings and say, you know what, Mark? Like, it's legit. You got, there are things in this world, this COVID thing, there's a lot of uncertainty. So what am I doing to support myself and my family in the world? And so I channel that anxiety into a number of things. One is really using helpful strategies. I would take some deep breaths and I'd go into my hot air balloon, which is one of my secret strategies that I'm sharing

Starting point is 00:05:24 with everybody. I jump into my hot air balloon and I go up in my hot air balloon and I go into my hot air balloon, which is one of my secret strategies that I'm sharing with everybody. I jump into my hot air balloon and I go up on my hot air balloon and I look down at my life and I'm like, okay, you're anxious about that. How much control do you have over that, Mark? Like how much control do you, Mark Brackett, have over the stock market right now during COVID?

Starting point is 00:05:41 Zero. So then does it make sense to ruminate about that all day long? How is that rumination going to help anything with that? No. Okay. I'm worried about kids in schools. I think that parents and teachers are going to be struggling right now. How much control do you have over that? Well, actually quite a bit because my whole work is dedicated to supporting schools. How about I create a series of webinars with my team to support educators across the globe in managing their feelings?

Starting point is 00:06:14 And that's what we did. We built a course that's available for free and we've had over 100,000 educators registered for ready. But point is, is that I had control over that. And so I channeled my anxiety into like, I'm going to build a kick-ass course with my team to support educators. So do you see what I'm getting at here? I wasn't thinking to myself, what am I going to do to rip the anxiety out of my head? Because the anxiety is legit. Does that resonate?

Starting point is 00:06:45 Yeah, it really does. It's such a powerful example because we can think of it as playing out maybe in two possible ways. So let's say you weren't able to understand what these emotions were, where they were coming from, if you couldn't label them, then I imagine that they would be repressed inside of you and it would come out in some way, whether it's a row with your family, whether it's too much wine in the evenings or too much time on social media, you know, some sort of coping mechanism. Because these emotions, they don't just, if you don't deal with them, it's not like, it goes somewhere. It always goes somewhere. But because you were able to be skilled at actually understanding, you were able to then do something about it. So not pretend it didn't exist, not get rid of it necessarily,

Starting point is 00:07:38 understand that it was serving you in some way, but then come up with a strategy. So in terms of strategy, you had your hot air balloon strategy, which sounds as though it takes you out of your life and gives you that 30,000 foot view, that real perspective, which could often be missing when we're inside our life. Yes. Is your family healthy? Okay, good. So not everything is crumbling right now, right? The few things, but we are such multifaceted people. When you get in that hot air balloon, you can look down and think, oh, wow, there are a lot of things actually going pretty well right now. Do you do the hot air balloon practice in your head? Just so people listening can actually really make it really practical for them? Or do you write it down?

Starting point is 00:08:21 Or does it not matter? Oh, it's in the moment. I take it in my head. And you can do it on paper too. I think it's a fabulous exercise. For me, it's just like, it's perspective taking. Because you know what happened a lot during the pandemic? People needed to talk. Like they needed, right? We were socially isolated.

Starting point is 00:08:41 We were quarantined. And for many of us, even people like myself who are introverted, right, we craved connection. And then when we connected, what we do is we would complain and we would vent. And what research shows is that it's not helpful. Like I can't, you know, Dr. Dr. Chowdhury, I can't take it anymore. Like I'm losing it. Like everything, like I can't, you know, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm like, I'm claustrophobic at home. And then my partner's driving me crazy. And my mother-in-law's also driving me crazy. And my two dogs, they just bark all the time. And I have to like hide in the bathroom to have meetings. That's not helpful. People think it is because it's like, I'm getting it off my chest,

Starting point is 00:09:15 but that just actually helps you rehearse all the things that are going wrong for you. And so in those situations, what we need to do is engage in reappraisal or perspective taking. And then you say, you would say to me, if you were skilled in emotional intelligence, say, hey, Mark, I hear all these things that are not going so well for you. Why don't we take a look at some of them and see what we can do about them. And so you're forcing me to pause, to reflect, and to look at things from another lens. That is what's helpful to help people manage their feelings. Do you know that the mere presence of someone who you perceive to be loving and caring is a helpful strategy? Wow. Have you ever been around someone who you just, their presence makes you feel at

Starting point is 00:10:07 ease? Yeah, for sure. It's incredible. What a gift for someone else. What a gift to be able to give another human being. You know, when I was on my book tour, I gave a talk in New York state and I shared this concept of permission to feel and how my uncle was that one adult who gave me that permission to feel. And then I asked people to reflect on, did you have someone in your life give you the permission to feel? Literally. Was it a parent, a cousin, a relative, a teacher, a coach who just provided the space for you to be your true, full, feeling self. And so many people said no. Some people said yes. And they said, well, what are the characteristics? They're compassionate, they're nonjudgmental,

Starting point is 00:10:57 they're accepting, loving. And so what was very interesting to me was when I gave this one speech, somebody said to me, well, Mark, it sounds like your uncle was a miracle for you. And then he said to me, are you paying it forward? For whom are you an Uncle Marvin? And of course, I almost, I froze because I realized that I'm a workaholic. I'm not that person. And it is, since that day, that person said that to me, it was like a defining moment in my life. like am i making an effort to be that present person for other people and it's hard work because it's not about you anymore right it's about the altruism it's about the giving and so you know when you're around people with that kind of energy, you have less of a need to regulate. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:07 Does that resonate? Yeah, it really does. It really does. I mean, you know, your Uncle Mama sounds like an incredible person. You used the word that the word miracle was used there. And I was thinking, well well we've all got it within us to be a miracle for somebody else haven't we we've all got that ability uh if we learn the language of emotions if we can can sit there and be present and be patient and not be a judge

Starting point is 00:12:42 just be a listener right listen? Listen, let someone express in a safe space. And actually there was something that I underlined in the book, Mark. When you mentioned your uncle and he said to you, how are you feeling? But you said, it wasn't just what he said, it was the way he said it and that that was really quite profound for me we all he wanted to hear i knew he wanted to listen i knew he wouldn't tell me well toughen up or you know um get some grit yeah i think the best we can do is give ourselves that permission to have the feelings that we have to be those compassionate emotion scientists around our own and others feelings and to kind of be on this continuous improvement cycle for our own healthy development

Starting point is 00:13:38 and if we have that attitude i think we can have a really great life. Yeah. Really hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. And I'll be back next week with my long form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.

Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee - #282 BITESIZE | Why Emotions Matter More Than You Think | Professor Marc Brackett

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